                Fun things to do to stupid neighbors
                          by: Delta Burke

This  little  article is everyone out there who is a next door neighbor who
is, in your mind, the worlds biggest asshole. I  have  neighbors  that  fit
into  this  catergory  perfectly.  You know the ones, stereo up louder than
hell in the middle of the night, water their lawn during a drought, etc...
Well take heart, because I have just the answer for such idiots.

1) Next time they go away on vacation, or even for just the weekend, call
   the utility company, Ma Bell(or whoever the phone co is.), and the cable¨
   company.  Using  their  name(obviously),  tell  them  to  shut  off  the
   respective utilities, since your are going on a trip for about a month.
   Most  of  the  time,  they  wont ask for any other info except for phone
   number. If they ask for anything else, just hangup quickly and forget it¨
   as it isnt too easy to  explain  why  you  dont  know  your  own  social
   security  number. If all works well(and it usually does), they will come
   home to a fridge full of bad food, plus no heat or air conditioning and
   cable tv and phone. Pretty nice, huh?

2) If they leave on vacation, and you are a hacker/phreak/BBS'er,  here  is
   your  chance  for  free  phone calls to everywhere! Simply go into their
   yard and locate their phone box. Using your lineman's phone(or a regular¨
   phone with alligator clips instead of a modular plug), find  the  active
   phone  line  inside the box. Run a shit load of wire back to your house,
   thru your window, etc... Install a modular plug on your end and plug  it
   into  your  modem.  Now make all the long distance calls you want. Don't
   worry, those of your with a heart, the neighbor's wont  get  billed  for
   the calls after they call Ma Bell and claim that they didnt make them.
   Most of the time they will let you of the hook.

3) One  night,  after  the  neighborhood  is  asleep,  sneak over into the
   target's yard. Proceed to turn on ONE faucet, so that water  is  gushing
   out  all  over  the  place.  The value of this joke is that the target's
   water bill will be outrageous after about 3-4 nights of this, especially¨
   during drought season.

4) If you have the asshole neighbor who has the stereo on LOUD at all hours
   and the police wont do shit(what else is new), here is the solution.
   Sneak into the yard, and find the breakerbox. If the stereo is  up  this
   loud, they wont hear you in the yard. Locate the switch that matches the
   room  that  the stereo is in. Or the closest to. Flip the switch and run
   like hell back to the house. Or if you  are  more  daring,  sit  in  the
   bushes  oe  something and watch them come out. Most of the time, it will
   take doing this 2-3 times before they turn down the stereo.But its worth¨
   it when you have to sleep.

5) Do your neighbor's have a barking dog? If so, heres the solution.
   A) Call the pound repeatedly, using another neighbor's name and address,¨
   but your number. Call at least twice a  night  for  about  a  week.  The
   complaints  will stack up, and the target's will most likely have to pay
   a healthy fine.
   B) Get a package of hot dogs and  any  kind  of  medicine  that  induces
   shitting,  like  Exlax(you  will  have to melt it down). Pour the secret
   agent shit inducing substance on the hot dogs, then toss them  over  the
   fence to the dog. If it is a small dog, I suggest throwing one at a time¨
   as  little  dogs don't eat as much as big dogs. Spot or Fido or whatever
   the hell his name is will be shitting EVERYWHERE for days. Loads of  fun
   for the target.

6) Kill  their  lawn.  This can be achieved with any kind of poison, paint
   thinner, or even piss. Simply pour as much of the stuff as you can all over¨
   the lawn and wait a few days to a week. Lovely brown spots  will  start  to
   show. Nice effect.

7) Do they have a CB radio that interferes with your tv?
   Use  the old standby. When they are not home, sneak over and shove large
   straight pins into the coaxial cable  to  the  antenna.  Next  time  Joe
   Dickhead keys up will be his last time. This easy trick works due to the¨
   fact  that  it  shorts the cable together. When he keys up, it will blow
   the CB right off the table.

8) Do they park in your driveway or in  front  of  it?  My  neighbors  have
   teenage  kids  who  have  teenage  friends  who  parked  in front of the
   driveway. I fixed that by taking some large nails(about 4  inches  long)
   and  placed  them  on each side of their tires at a 45 degree angle. Two
   per side, heads on pavement, points  to  tires.  When  they  drive  off,
   instant  flats  on  all  four  tires.  Try to get them to not park there
   asking  first. If they don't care to listen, then use the nail trick.

9) Other easy and annoying tricks:
   Use JB Weld or any other metal weld substance on their mailbox door.
   Unscrew all the light bulbs on the outside of their house just enough so¨
   they won't light.
   If they have an annoying cat, capture it and take it about 10 miles away¨
   from where you live and let it go.
   Get some cow or horse shit and place it in a large paper bag.  Place  on
   porch and light on fire. Then ring door bell.
   If they have a hot tub or pool, get some goldfish and place them in it.
   If you can get some lake or river fish, they work even better.
   Place  small rocks inside the hubcaps on their most used car. The effect
   is awesome. They will go crazy from the sound.
   If you get into their car, place a heavy guage jumper wire from the horn¨
   to the brake switch behind the pedal. The result  is  the  horn  honking
   everytime they step on the brake pedal. A sure fire winner.
   If  you are daring, capture a skunk and let it loose in their yard. Just
   think about the fun this one can make.

Have fun and don't get caught!   Delta Burke   Jan 1991





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