                 TEN WAYS TO STEAL A CAR by THREAT TO SOCIETY
                 --------------------------------------------

So you wanna  be a carthief? Start by taking  on a good lawyer. And, eh, don't
steal  a car when  you are hitch hiking. Imagine this: a hospitable  chauffeur
stops to  piss  against a tree  and the  stupid moron  leaves his  keys on the
ignition.

Resist  to the seduction, because that  man can give a personality description
to the cops,  and that can be fatal! Don't force  the driver to get out of his
car either, because that's a violence delict or something, and that would make
only make thing more complicated for your lawyer. You get much more fun out of
stealing a car when the owner is standing right next to it.

For instance: you see a man waiting in his 'till the grass turns blue. Get him
out  with some  fake story  ("Sir, I  believe  you  have  a flat  tire", works
wonders). While  he rushes  to the  back of  his  car to  take  a look at  the
catastrophe,  you  jump in his car  and drive away. EVERYBODY  leaves his keys
on the ignition when he's waiting for something.

                                    COWARDS
                                    -------

When you  see an unmanned car  which you'd love to  take for a drive, first of
all, check if  there's a dog in it. If there is, forget about it! Dogs in cars
are the best way to scare of thieves. A dog thinks of the car as his territory
and  it's a known  fact that dogs  have the  nasty habit  of protecting  their
territory by biting and stuff.

If  there  isn't a  dog in the car, look if  there's  a sticker  of  a  stupid
screaming alarmsystem  on the windshield. If there  is, then you, as a rookie,
should leave  the car undisturbed. Professional  car-thieves have less trouble
with it.

There are however REAL  stickers and  FAKE stickers. A lot of  chauffers think
they  can scare  thieves away with such  a fake sticker, but as a masterthief,
you  studied these  thing and you can thee the difference. Fake stickers don't
scare you. However, if  it is a real  sticker, you're still  sitting on roses,
because  the sticker also  names the brand of  the alarm system  and of course
you, as a master thief know all  the different  brands and  systems. The owner
actually HELPS you stealing his car, now isn't that a nice gesture.

If it's  an alarmsystem you  happen to  know, you simply disconnect it and you
drive of with the wanted car. If it's not, don't be sad, you just go and steal
another  one. But  even  as a pro  you have  to watch out  with real  stickers
because  there are  cowards who  put the  sticker of  another  brand on  their
windshield. BOO! LAME! When you start messing  around, you immediately  notice
the  difference but  you got a BIG  change the alarm is  already screaming his
guts out by now.

The biggest cowards are of course the assholes who DO have an alarm, but DON'T
let you know that with a  sticker. "Great!", you think and you try breaking in
and the fuckin' alarm goes off: scares  the hell out of you! In  general, it's
easy  for  a master  thief  to  make the  sirene to  shut up. With  some  more
expensive  models it isn't: there  is a emergency  battery in a high protected
box,  so  the sirene  starts  (or keeps)  screaming  as  soon as  you  cut the
maincircuit.  As a master  thief, you have  to make a shortcut  or give a high
voltage injection to make the thing shut up. Remote controls are  very popular
at the moment with the more expensive cars. They work like the remote of a tv,
and thanks the  central locking system it locks everything that was not locked
yet. When the absent minded owner opens the door with his keys in the morning,
the car starts yelling. When YOU try  to open the door WITHOUT the keys in the
EVENING, the damn thing starts screaming as well. BOO! LAME!

As  student-car-thief, you're  gonna have to  study a bit  and learn which car
contains  such  systems. In your local  thieves guild, you'll  find  some nice
folders on that topic. That way you'll find out in  no time at which frequency
those  things work. If  you have a degree in  electronics, you'll even be able
to build a scannersystem which will help you cracking the codes  of the remote
control  (or  you  can just  go  to  England where  you can  LEGALLY buy  such
gadgets!). The master thieves are already able to do that now.

                            DON'T STEAL A WHEELCHAIR
                            ------------------------

Check if the soon-to-be-stealed-car  is one of a handicapped person. Normally,
that's indicated  by a blue sticker with a wheelchair on it on the windshield.
Don't steal such a car. Now, respect, but those cars are individually adjusted
and simply uncontrollable by your average, non-handicapped masterthief.

You can't sell such cars either.

Fortunately, there  are no such  things as fake blue stickers, because  that's
illegal. If you are not convinced, just take a look at the  steering-wheel and
the pedals.

Convinced? Good. Always check if there aren't any codes etched in the windows.
If you just wanna go joy riding, you don't  have to worry about it, but if you
wanna  make a living by  selling stolen cars, those codes will just give you a
lot of trouble.

As soon  as the owner reports the  theft the codes are spreaded everywhere and
when the innocent  buyer goes to the garage, the  question will pop "Where did
you get  this car, sir?" You  won't find a  fence for a car  with window codes
(except if you export it to foreign countries where nobody gives a  fuck about
those codes anyway) so you will have to replace all the windows and your local
garage-keeper will find that rather "strange".

                              THE DAMN GEAR-LEVER
                              -------------------

What else do you, as a rooke, have to pay attention to? Look inside. Maybe the
wheel is locked with a  wheel pedalhook. For the rookie, this is usually a BIG
problem. But  wait 'till  you're a masterthief, you'll  laugh with things like
that!

The  wheel-dashboard-lock, brightly  colored so  you can see it  very well (to
scare of the thieves), is  even worse, but the  masterthieves can get  ridd of
it, however not without damaging the car. Very unpleasant, but not unbreakable
(the  trickbox of the masterthief  doesn't appear to  have a  bottom), is  the
handbrake lock.

Pedal locks are  also very  annoying, but they're also annoying for the owner,
because he has to install 'em BEFORE he exits the car, so I trust you'll never
encounter them in your entire career.

Same goes for the tire locks, which can totally inmobilize the car, you can't
even  tow it away!  There is, however,  something new,  that even  the master
thieves can't break, the so called  GEARLEVER lock, this makes sure  that you
can't  change gears. If you  REALLY wanted that  car, you can  always have it
towed  away. In the garage, they  can break the lock with  expensive material
and a LOT of patience. But, don't  worry, the masterthieves will soon find an
easy solution to the GEARLEVER lock problem.

                                    OPEN UP!
                                    --------

OK, no dogs, no stickers, no codes, no locks. Check if the door is locked. If
it isn't, you  can usually enter safely. If you're  lucky, the keys may still
be in the  ignition. Situations like these  are easy to find  on driveways in
area  with lots of beautiful  villa's. (See in  our next  issue: 'Ten ways to
steal your modern art at rich peoples houses') If the door is locked, you, as
a rookie, encounter  the first problem. "Let's  smash  the window!", you  may
think.

DON'T!  If you're gonna  do some  joy riding, some cop will notice the broken
window and  force you to pull over. If  you wanna make some  money by selling
the car  you have to  replace the window first. Besides, smashing  the window
is much more suspicious  than forcing the  lock. Smashing a window is  really
amateurish. Shame  on you! Opening a door  without a key is  child's play. An
expirienced  thief can  open a door just  as fast with as  without  the  key,
without damaging the car.

Useful  tools are  screwdrivers and/or steel-wires. Practice on your  own car
for several  weeks. In the summertime, a lot of  drivers leave the  window or
the roof a little bit open. Use your steel-wire to  pull the lock of the roof
et voila, you can enter.

                            THE RIDICULOUS WHEEL LOCK
                            -------------------------

Ok, no dogs, no stickers, no  codes, no locks and you've opened the door. Now
get  in the car and  check if the keys are still in the  ignition. It happens
very  often that retarted  drivers smash  their door in the  lock  with their
keys still in the car.

Damn, no key. The  rookie encounters  two problems: break  the wheel lock and
start the engine. Look  at the tires, the wheel  lock is usually  locked when
the tires  are straight. If they're  not, pull the  steering wheel very hard.
Now  the  lock should  be broken. If this doesn't  work, you'll  have to  use
something  heavier, like a  lever. Use your imagination  and practice on your
own car for a couple of weeks.

OK, you  broke  the  wheel  lock. Well  done. Make  sure  the  lock is broken
completely  or  you  may  encounter  problems   while  trying  to  steer. Not
intresting, especially not while driving at ridiculously high speeds.

                         FLIPPER: THE FLIPPIN DOLPHIN
                         ----------------------------

Step 2: Getting  the  engine  started. The  principle  is  easy: connect  the
contactwires and the connect the  wires of the  starting-engine. You need the
know where you find these in the brand and type of car you want to steal. Try
and find them in your own car and practice for several weeks.

Masterthieves who are specialised in one type of car, can start a car  faster
than you can say it. It could happen that the motor doesn't start or that you
just  can't get  any power  at all. Bad luck. The  owner of the  car probably
installed his own little security  system. Take a look under the driversseat,
under the  passengersseat and under the  dashboard. There should be  a switch
somewhere. When you've found it, do the  obvious: flip it! Now try again, the
engine should start now.

                              DO YOU SMELL BACON?
                              -------------------

Congratulations!  You just ripped  your first car! How does  it feel? Is  the
adrenalin pumpin? Great! Now KEEP CALM! I know it's hard to  control yourself
when you're  behind the wheel of a shining  red Ferrari, but  don't go racing
at 250 MPH, because for some strange reason, pigs don't like that.

They'll  try to stop you  and you'll come up to  a point where that  lawyer I
talked about comes in handy. A true masterthief is  always in complete mental
control, you know yin, yang, that kinda shit.

But  don't go to the  other extreme either: don't  drive at speed  even  your
grandma  exceeds or don't go looking  around real nervous, you  may just well
write 'this  car is stolen' all over your face. Just  act normal, or  if your
normal behaviour conforms to that described above, don't.

Wanna go for a joy-ride? Have fun.

Just choose a  nice quiet place to dump the  baby afterwards, say, the canal?
If  you wanna sell it, check out your local thieves  guild, you should find a
nice fence there. Keep in  mind that not everyone is as honest as you (hah!).
Some  of the people you'll  meet at your  local thieves  guild  are  straight
crooks and  they'll try rip you off. Alas, the path of a masterthief does not
go over roses.

  ----- was ripped from a diskmag called Scenial issue 4 (scenial4.zip) -----
