
K-Mart Survival Tactics For The Unscrupulous
--------------------------------------------
By Torqa Dun & Data General
Edited by Metallica

  He stands atop a lonely hillside, the cold biting at his skin as the chill
wind whips through his hair, setting it off in a menagerie of disarray.  He
surveys the scene...the ominous structure ahead of him, forbidding and clammy
steel.  With the battle cry of "Remember Split Infinity!" he bounds down the
hill, over dusk and rock until he stands before the object of his night-
mares...K-Mart.

  Not wasting any time, he strides to the doors and flings them open with an
air of aristocracy.  He is met by a cold blast of stale air as he gapes in awe
at the vast array of "kwalitee" merchandise for the throngs of people to buy.
He laughs inwardly and ignores the youth group leader begging for contribu-
tions at the door.  Knowing exactly what he is doing, he heads to the back of
the store.  He has used the coveted techniques before but now he is ready to
go beyond.  He is ready to cause utter havoc.  Finding no one manning the
defunct "Pet Section" our hero access the "page" phone option and says:

  "ATTENTION K-MART SHOPPERS..FOR THE NEXT TWO MINUTES, ALL THE MERCHANDISE
YOU CAN CARRY, HAUL, DRAG, OR LIFT TO CHECKOUT IS 80% OFF!"

 He then vacates the area and watches the commotion as the throngs of greasers
lug refrigerators, TV's, appliances and even whole kitchen ensembles to check-
out in a mad rush to buy as the K-Mart people run here and there trying to no
avail to restore order.

  With the general populace caught up in that commotion, he goes over to the
"toiletries" department and takes a bottle of "PRELL" from the shelf. He feels
a moment of guilt flash through him but that is swept aside by the years of
training he has had.  Opening the bottle he writes "MATT ACKERET DOES IT WITH
FIRE HYDRANTS" or something of the sort. "Oh my!" he thinks. "This bottle is
1/2 empty!"  Well, remedying that, he opens it and proceeds to pour maple
syrup in it and shake it up.  He replaces it on the counter, and does this to
five more.  "That was lucky," he thinks.

  He heads to the kwalitee K-Mart TV department.  When this place is devoid
of life, he turns all of the TV's on and all to different stations, with
volume jacked up to 10 and retreats.  The kwalitee K-Mart computer dept. has
more fun for our hero...the demos can be easily rigged to give quite a shock,
our valiant vigilante thinks as he unplugs the VIC-20 sitting there and wets
down the plug.

  He heads off to the Sporting Goods department to find even more laughs
awaiting him to the dismay of K-Mart employees.  Wow! A K-Mart test finger
bowling ball!  Golly!  He then proceeds to bowl over that little old lady down
the aisle (very sneakily, of course) with her basket of kwalitee merchandise.
Fishing rods, you say??  He strides to the waiting poles (ick!) and easily
attaches the fly at the end to that EVERLAST punching bag over in the corner.
Replacing it in the rack and doing this to twelve others, our hero has now
rigged up the ultimate net-trap for the unsuspecting greaser.  Shuffling off
to the foodstuff department our protaganist opens the bags of waiting goodies
and munches down, replacing the half-eaten bag with greatest caution.  Soon
the entire shelf is a litter of Doritos, Fritos, Tostitos, mini Burritos and
all the other "o's" you might want..

  "Lingerie time," thinks our young, anarchistic friend.  He trots off to the
kwalitee lingerie department. Whipping out his trusty MAGIK-MARKER(C) he makes
little smiley-faces over every nightgown and undergarment he can find...

Illustration..

                  *   *
                    +
                 \_____/
     and a phone number of an arch-enemy...

Well, it is about time to leave but before he goes he makes one last trip to
the page phone and says:

  "ATTENTION K-MART SHOPPERS!! THERE ARE BLUE-LIGHT (YAY) SPECIALS IN THE
KWALITEE K-MART SHOE, BATHROBE, KITCHEN APPLIANCE, TV, STEREO, LINGERIE, FOOD-
STUFF, COMPUTER, AND SHAMPOO DEPATMENTS!!!"

In the commotion of the greasers running this way and that to get at these
precious items our wonderful guy slips out the back door and into the parking
lot as the TV's go blaring.  Someone then plugs in the computer....

  ***     ***      ***     *     *
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 *   *   *   *    *   *   *  ***  *
 * **    *   *    *   *   *   *   *
 *   *   *   *    *   *   *       *
 *   *   *   *    *   *   *       *
  ***     ***      ***    *       *
===================================

And what does our hero see but.. a pay phone!

Coming next: PRANK CALLING WITH FINESSE...




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