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                            "The Shopping Mall" 

                                Written By:

                                 The Skank    

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  In the event that you should come across a shopping mall (an overgrown 
deranged cabinet), keep this in mind as it could be useful in the extremely
common but fatal attack of boredom. First you need the following to make it
work-

 A Shopping Mall
 A way to the Shopping Mall (transportation) *
 $10.00 or less and some lint in a pocket
 A friend (or your best enemy)
 A tape recorder (or any other harmful object)
 Cool (wierd) clothes- paisly, plaid combo pants, purple and brown tie dyed
 shirt (in other words, look obnoxious)

* This means the thing has a suggested list or more info on it

>Transportation>

List of ways to get transportation
----------------------------------
1.  Bum a ride off your mom
2.  If no mom around, bum a ride off your dad
3.  If no dad around, bum a ride off your brother
4.  If no brother around, bum a ride off your sister
5.  If you don't have a family, bum a ride off your nieghbor
6.  If you don't have a nieghbor, you live way too far from a mall to even
    consider using this file
7.  Skateboard there (more things to do if you choose this option)
8.  Bike there
9.  Pogo stick there
10. Don't go
11. Steal a car and drive
12. Buy a car and drive
13. Run

  If none of the above is possible, you can always try to ride one of those
big red or grey vehicles and socialize with the "people" on board.
Staying home and watching Jeopardy is always and option too.

  Okay, now that you have gotten there, what to do first but walk into the
mall. If possible, choose a store you think a bunch of teenage dorks would
hang out. This way you can make fun of any of them that are your size (i.e.
people who can't beat you up). Start immedietly by saying "Don't I know you?"
or "Do you think you're cool?" or "I heard what you said about my haircut". If
they dont answer yell "Hey Fag! I'm talking to you!" and etc....

  Another fun thing to do is follow a group of people your size and follow
them around. Especially a group of ugly girls. If they look back, look back
and pretend you dropped something and you don't know how you got there. Keep
following them until they get smart and split up. This where your friend (or
best enemy) comes in handy. That way you can follow the split up group, thus
being more obnoxious. Keep following them until they call the security and say
"There's a strange group of ugly boys following us".
  When caught by security deny everything, say it was coincidental and that
you were merely looking for some lengerie for your mom when you got lost and
need help finding her again.
  After that, the security should ask for the name to page, when asked
answer a false name (i.e. Iona Dildo or Claude Balls). Ask if you can go to
the bathroom, then silently head to the next store....

  Any toy store should be your next destination. Why? Lotsa things to play
with. Hope there's a crabby manager around and start yelling about war toys
and the influence of them on children's minds and psychological disorders that
can occur (war toys- G.I. joe, Rambo, Cabbage Patch Kids, Pogo Sticks, Punch
Balloons, etc...) Turn on any musical instruments or electronic noise maker
and pretend you don't know how to shut it off. Also, if its a trendy store,
there should be skateboards of sorts. You know, those plastic things with
playdo wheels. Ride them around the store and the manager should come along
and say "Hey you kids, cut that crap out! You wanna by these things? Next time
I catch you, I'm going to kick you out!"
  Uh-oh, your first offense. Make up an apology, rearange the merchandise
(putting dolls in the war toy section, putting guns in the puzzle section,
putting the manager in the local city dump). After this, say "Bye! Have a nice
day!", accidently trip and knock over a rack of toys then get the hell out of
there. Those toy managers have awfully fast fingers when comes to dialing
security.

  Next stop.. The Clothing store. Okay, that guy knows what kinda clothes
you are wearing (kinda hard not to when wearing brown tie dye t-shirts and
paisly, plaid pants) so go thru the racks, find some "galactic wash" jeans
(the ones with little bleach dots on them) and a shirt, go into the changing
rooms, change your clothes, and walk away. Don't worry, as the people who
watch over the changing rooms are usually so baked, they wouldn't know if you
snuck into the girls dressing room (not a bad Idea). Make sure you remove all
the tags from your new clothes, wearing your old ones under them. WIth that
done, go put the clothes in a nice new orderly fashion- putting large shirts
in the small section and vice versa, putting pants by the shirt and etc..
When finished casually walk away and head off to...

  The Shoe department...well your feet are a little tired, are they not
after doing all this walking. The shoe stores are usually are upstairs which
brings us to another fun spot in malls- escalators.
  When walking up one, try walking back down then running up the stairs and
try to run back down again. Pretty cool- just like not walking at all. Also
when at the top of the escalator, start walking back down slowly as you will
stay in place- hey moonwalk time. Enuff of that shit, time to get to the shoe
store..

  Okay the shoe store. They always carry those topnotch shoes like
hushpuppies or zips. Ask the guy there if you can try on a couple of shoes.
Find a pair that look way too small, ask the assistant if they have a larger
size in pink and green. The assistant will be off for awhile finding your
shoe. When he comes back saying he can't find one, pick out three pairs of
shoes that are totally stupid looking and say you want to try them on. The guy
will get out his ol' foot torture and measure your foot and will be gone again
in the backroom finding your shoes. When he comes back, try on the shoes, tie
them up, walk around then say "Nah, I don't like these ones", put on your old
shoes, and leave. Almost thru, just need to get that ride home.
  Getting the ride is your problem. But while waiting for it to come, there
is still alot of fun left in the main mall. Find a spot by a popular store and
sit down at one of the benches. See them people walking by? I personally
believe that anyone that is 5ft 4in and weighs over 200 pounds should be shot.
Some fat people should eventually waddle by and you can make fun of them (i.e.
yelling "Hey, check out the traffic jams!"). Make fun of anyone who walks by
who deserves it (anyone who can't beat you up).
  Also, go by the wishing wells- got that $10.00? Take the pennies and skip
them across the well. If things go right, there should be a little kid
standing by with his mom begging "Mom can I have a penny? Please, please,
please ?". Kid wants a penny eh? Grab one of yours and whip it over there and
hit the kid in the head saying "There's your damn penny!". What, your rides
here ? Oh well, take off and your day at the mall has come to an end. What to
do with that lint you say- I say that I have written enough and conclude this file. Till' the next one.......



 
 
 
