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    [!]                                                                  [!]
    [!]                         How To Buy Liquor                        [!] 
    [!]                                                                  [!]
    [!]                   As Written By Cellular Phreak                  [!]
    [!]                        11/10/87 - 11/19/87                       [!]
    [!]                                                                  [!]
    [!][!][!][!][!][!][!][!][!][!][!][!][!][!][!][!][!][!][!][!][!][!][!][!]
 
                                                                    (C) 1987
 
 
   Well first of all this is for all those REAL Partiers out there that don't 
live,breathe,eat, and shop on their computers. Because yes there is a world 
outside your bedroom! And one of those very best things is liquor.
Let's look at all the things it can do...
 
1) Impress the women.
2) Get's you flogged.
3) Help get the women flogged.
4) Help you take advantage of the situation.
 
Well, thats about all that it can do for you know that you know WHAT it can do 
for you lets examine how you can get it... liquor that is.
 
Well first of all if you look about 12-14 yrs. old your screwed because they 
are gonna kick you out as soon as you come in. I have several TESTED methods 
and the tips that have worked for me and will work for you, if mastered.
 
LOCATIONS
 
Well you must pick a store to buy your shit at. Well try to stay away from 
those big chains like Liquors 'R' Us and M.G.M. Liquor Warehouse. Just stay 
the fuck away from any chain of liquor stores. They usually have some type of 
system set up where someone sits and watches the door and as soon as you have 
walked in the manager of the store says you got ID ? Well that aint too cool,
making friends with the manager so quickly. Pick a store that is all alone 
that looks like its hurting for cash and needs some money no matter who its 
from even a kid.
 
MAPS & SHIT
 
Before you enter your victim's store make sure you know where the liquor is and 
how much you are gonna get. Buying MASS quantities of liquor is BAD. Say you 
wanna get toasted so you just get a 12 or a 24. Never try something like 2 
cases... Because the more you buy the more the risk of getting asked for ID.
See look below:
 
                  7                    X
        Quantity  6                    X
        in items  5                   X
                  4                  X
                  3             X
                  2        X
                  1  X
                    ---------------------
                    0  10  30  50  70   100%
 
            ID CHECKS IN PERCENTAGE OF POSSIBILITY
 
 
THE CASUAL
 
Well first of all you are gonna go in there and be cool and casual and easy 
going guy. Remeber this, so you go in and you know where the shit is you 
cruize over to it and pick it up like a man! Carry it over to the counter plop 
it down and this is where you will start to shake and shit so remember calm is 
a buy crazed is an ID check. So he should say thats $ XX.XX now give him the 
cash preferably from a wallet. Now he'll either say ok thanx or do you have 
I.D. well use one of the quotations I have listed below.
 
THE BIG BROTHER
 
This really takes no brains but shit if you got a older brother use it. Bribe 
the fucker if necessary!
 
THE WAIT
 
This type of buy is a little different. Wait for some COOL person like a legal 
college kid to come by and ask him hey man could ya pick me up a XXXX for an 
extra 3-5 bucks ? Like if your gonna give him 5 bucks get at least 2 cases of 
beer. Remember wait for a cool looking person and do not approach him right in 
front of the store. Come up to him as soon as he gets out of his car. Make 
sure he's out of the stores view. Give him the money for the liquor and 
the extra cash for his profit and get his license plate. Just incase the 
fucker decides to crooze on ya. Well if that happens well then call the cops 
say you were near the store and the fucker hit you. You weren't injured but 
knowcked the wind out of ya and you got his plate. They will put an A.P.B. out 
on him and once they catch him they will fuck him up on a hit and run charge.
Then fuck him up. He will regret he took your $10.00 bucks. But this rarely 
happens so you really dont have to worry about it. If you can get someone to 
buy for you, YOU HAVE IT IN THE BAG! You got the liquor for sure. Also tell 
the guy to meet ya in back of the store or another place to hand the liquor 
over since it is a crime to buy for a minor. What I've done is wait for the 
fucker to get done then get in the car with him and have him drop you off or 
somehting some where...Party down kid get fucked up. 
 
THE LITTLE KIDDIE
 
Have your kid brother/sister go in and give the cashier a note that you wrote 
saying " Please let my son/daughter get a 12 pack of beer for me signed 
BULLSHIT MASTER " that might do it but remember you can only do this while the 
little kiddies dont know what the hell the difference is between a liquor 
store and a ceramic-tile place. This sometimes has worked just make sure the 
kiddie can escape if held hostage. Be ready to break the kid out. 
 
THE RAID
 
Another idea is to raid the fucking supply truck as they are unloding it they 
will bring in 3-4 huge cases of liquor into the store at a time. While they 
are inside stacking the liquor you hop into the back of the truck and get a 
case for good ol times and haul ass back to some bushes or somewhere you can 
stash the shit until it will be able to transported to saftey. Also liquor 
stores have cool shit throw aways go trashing in their garbage but wear gloves 
for broken glass. I got some pretty wicked life-size cardboard cut outs of
ELVIRA & Spuds Mackenzie!!! I hate spuds come to think of it.
 
 
FAKE ID's
 
I got a fake I.D. I paid some person at my states DEPT. of transportation make 
me a fake license for $50.00 now I can buy. I suggest you go buy a CIRCUS 
magazine or HIT PARADER for these magazines have numerous FAKE I.D. 
applications no they just say get I.D.'s! Send in your state and name and age 
and we'll print a legal I.D. for you! Well the catch is you send in $6.00 but 
yes even these CRUDE representations of I.D. will work for the stupid/stoned 
cashier at the liquor store. Hell why would someone work in a liquor store ? 
Your bound to get held up, and the pay ain't good so why ? Well I'll tell ya 
why... Becuz you get liquor at wholesale and fry heads who dont have any cash.
 
QUOTATIONS
 
Here are some quotations we have used and are quite effective in amusing the 
cashier.
 
DO YOU HAVE ANY I.D. ?
 
No, I left it out in the car.
No, I dont have any on me.
Well god damn it I dont, I lost it at a party.
No I dont have it, and dont give me any of this ID shit I always buy my beer.
FUCK YOU THEN ASSHOLE, IM NEVER COMING HERE AGAIN!
 
I'm sure you can think of more...
 
Disclaimer:
I take no responsibility if you fry your liver becuz of this or if you get 
suzie down the block pregnant. Meanwhile get drunk and fuck the waysted women.
 
This file was insipired by a little kid who asked me to buy for him. Well 
heres looking at you kid! Bottoms up! Look for G00D-DRINKS Part I its a list 
of recipies of such classics as the SUNRISE to the ever-goodtasting BLOG. Have 
a good one...Coming to a KICKASS BBS near you! Later,
 
                                                          Cellular Phreak




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