
                     \--------------------------------------/
                     |How to Beat The Shit out of Fat People|
                     /--------------------------------------\

                     Lardass, Lardass, in White Hen
                     After those God Damn Twinkies Again
                     Lardass, Lardass, All Around
                     With every step, you crack the Ground
                     Lardass, Lardass, Midnight Snack
                     Never Spent a Minute on the Jogging Track
                     Lardass, Lardass, eating Dinner
                     Don't you know you'll never be Thinner?



     This is a file written from personal experience, and dedicated
     to a certain Lardass we know.... You know who you are, Fat Boy.


       In order to destroy a Fat Boy, you will need:

 \-------------------------------------------/
 | Two (2) Fists                             |
 |                                           |
 | One (1) Pair of Hedge Clippers (Don't Ask)|
 |                                           |
 | One (1) Flatulent Individual              |
 |                                           |
 | One (1) Serving of Cat Food               |
 |                                           |
 | Any other useful accessories, such        |
 | as Brass Knuckles, Vaseline, Tongue       |
 | Depressors, A Cleaver, Wax, Tweezers,     |
 |  and a .38 Caliber.                       |
 /-------------------------------------------\

    OK, before we get into the story, we will do our top 10 list. . .

               Top 10 Best Things to do to a FAT BOY (These Are All Things
that we have either done or seen done, this is not imiginary!)


      10: Push Him into a ThornBush (Those Roses never did grow back...)

       9: Pluck his eyebrows with tweezers

       8: Tie him to an exercise bike with string, whip him with a belt
         if he stops exercising, and put candy bars on the ground until
         he drools on the gears.  You can also put Ice down his back for
         added incentive

       7: Take a gun. Yes this has been done. Take a gun and stick it to
         his head. Pull the trigger. Oh, did I forget to mention to take out
         the bullets? I recommend it, because if you don't you will have a
         dead fat boy in your house. And boy will the flies be their to eat
         all that meat.

       6: Tie him to the roof of your house while it rains.

       5: Throw icicles at him till you have to take him to the
          hospital

       4: Tie him down and force him to eat Slim Fast dry.  If that doesn't
          work, make it into a milkshake, but don't forget to add the
          Cat Food

       3: Put him in a Garbage can and roll him down a hill.

       2: Take a pair of hedge clippers and, while saying "Don't worry,
         I won't take off much,"  make him look like the drummer for
         AC/DC

       1: (This was disgusting, neither of us did it)  Wipe your bare ass
         on his leg while he reads Nintendo Power.




           OK, now, if you're wondering what the Vaseline, Tongue
        Depressors, Wax, Cleaver, etc... are for, they're various
        torture devices (Well, actually, interrogation devices, but
        who cares)  And I know for a fact, they were made with a FAT
        BOY in Mind.  So here is another top 10 list of things to do
        with these various devices.


     10: Smear Vaseline all over him (Ahem) and push him into the Blue
        Oyster.

      9: Put him in the trunk of a Yugo and see how long it takes for
        it to Explode.

      8: Put dead things (flies, ants, etc...) in his hot chocolate

      7: The Raunchy Bar*

      6: Steadily beat his shoulders with brass knuckles  (this hurts
        more than you can imagine until you have it done to you)

      5: Tie him up in the kitchen of somebody you don't know.

      4: Gag him and tie him to a chair, then threaten to perform a
        circumcision with the cleaver

      3: You don't even want to KNOW what you can do with Thongs...

      2: Put all the food in your house on your dining room table, let him
        in there, then call the police, and say there's an intruder in your
        house who's eating all your food.  And he's a FAT BOY.

      1: Burn him at the Steak (Get it... Steak?)

        * The Raunchy Bar is a Peanut Butter snickers bar that has been
left open, in a shoe box for 2 months, then dipped in toothpaste, then
smeared with frozen spit, then farted on repeatedly, then stuck in a toilet
as someone flushes the shit down.  Then left to sit for a week, and served.


                                 Our Story

    This story takes place on a Halloween night, about 2 years back, when
  I, Iridescent Innkeeper (For this story I will be refered to as Angus)
  Unstable Postman (For this story he will be refered to as Phil Rudd), and
  a few other people (Who will be refered to as Brian, Malcolm, and Cliff)
    And the Fat Boy, who will be refered to as Ed.
  This Story is about a Traditional, very intricate, very long, game of
  Beat the Fat Boy.  We all (Including Ed) met at my house on halloween
  night.  We started off the night with the greatest Fat Boy prank, we
  shoved him into a garbage can and rolled him down a hill (I'm not going
  to bother to say how we managed to get him into the garbage can.  Actually,
  we just dropped a pork chop in there...) Then we took him to a house where
  there was a halloween party going on, and took him into the exercise room
  of these (Disgustingly rich) people.  There (You guessed it) we tied him
  to an exercise bike with Karate Belts we found hanging on the wall.  Then
  We Steadily beat him with an extra belt whenever he stopped exercising.
    We sent Brian to go get some candy bars and ice from the party, and when
  he returned, we were just beginning to have fun Whipping the fat boy, but
  there were more important things to do, such as put the ice down the back
  of his shirt and dangle the candy bars in front of his face (Boy did that
  make him pedal!)  Then we sent Malcolm into the bathroom to get the
  Vaseline (Since he would know where it was.)  Just to add to the extreme
  heat being generated as Fat Boy pedaled and Pedaled, we smeared the
  vaseline on his arms and neck (We didn't want to touch his face...).
    So, much later, we let him get off the bike.  He would've beat the shit
  out of us, but there were 5 of us, and... 35 of him, but we were stronger.
    We let him go back to the party, all red and sweaty with vaseline on him,
  I'm sure he was a big hit....
    We found him again later relaxing in a room reading a nintendo power
  magazine, and (you guessed it), Malcolm proceeded to wipe his ass on
  Ed's bare leg.  Ed just sat there as if nothing was happening.  What a
  Lardass, too lazy to get up and do anything about it.  Of course, I
  wouldn't want to know what he would do to a bare ass.....

     Much, Much later, when the party was about to end, we brought the
  excercise bike into the kitchen, tied him to it again (no easy task),
  tipped him over, and left.

     Great Night, Huh?



          You could get old if you stop playing,
                                  Iridescent Innkeeper
                                            &
                                  Unstable Postman


       I.I and U.P are not responsible for any personal injury that
     may result from the use of this file.
