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  %% How to Have Fun in Restaurants %%
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  %%	Conceived and Written By    %%
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  %%   --==**>>THE REFLEX<<**==--   %%
  %%   [Member: Omnipotent, Inc.]   %%
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Have you ever been in a restaurant and had lousy service, or lousy food, or
just felt pissed off?  Well there are many great ways to get revenge against
scum of the bucket places like this.  Here is where you can learn some ways and
seek inspiration for further activities.

1) When you first walk into a restaurant and they ask you how many people will
be at dinner, say that you are having an office party and that about 50-75
poeple will be coming in.  It is better to call and reserve this.

2) Get up and go to the bathroom as often as you can.  This will piss them off.
Once inside the bath- room, you have limitless posiblities.  Make sure that you
have a full bladder for this one.  First go into all of the stalls and piss on
all the toilet paper.  Piss up and down the walls.  After pissing up the
stalls, go over to the sink.  See the contraption on the wall full of soap?
Well remove the top and empty your bladder into it.  If you can, stir it up or
shake it up.  I've done this before and then seen people come in and wash their
hands and face.  A real riot!  Next whip out your magic marker and go back into
the stalls.  Write such shit as:  "Brad Moreland is a Dick that likes to give
head!  Call him at (713) 487-0351." Next give an illustration to go along with
it such as this:

		 ___
		/ ! \
		!___!
		!. .!
		!., !
		! ,.!
		! , !
		!., !
	     __ ! ,.! __
	    /.,\! , !/.,\
	    !,.,!___!.,.!
	     \_/     \_/

	 BRAD MORELAND RULES!

If there are any empty toilets then fill them to the rim with toilet paper.  It
is interesting to see the water fill up the bathroom as you run out in
laughter.

3) Next order as much shit as possible and then "remember" that you have an
important engagement as they bring all the shit out.

4) Need some credit cards?  After some assholes leave, they forget to take
their carbons with them and leave them sitting on the table.  Help yourself, it
will have the store authorization number on it for some checking purposes.

5) Low on money?  Help yourself to the tips that idiots leave for "good
service." One night I got nearly $45 from 3 different restaurants in the local
mall.

6) Food Phun!  So the shit, er...I mean food has arrived, eh?  Well you aren't
really going to pay for it, are you?  If you haven't col- lected your tips yet
then whip out your official Marvin Zindler Roach Droppings in a Bag (c) and
pour it all over your food.  Demand to see the manager and then start bitching
about how you expect good service for the price you are paying.  Threaten to
tell the Board of Health and report them for that.  Also, have some rat
droppings and urine ready.  Live roaches are a must, all you have to do is
release one on your plate after you ate all that you want (don't eat it all).
Next release the roach on your food and call the manager.

7) Ever consider starting a food fight casually in a nice restaurant.  Once
when I was in Chili's and there weren't many people, I picked up a chip with
some sauce on it and tossed it over the divider between sections.  Next I heard
a loud "SHIT!" And the guy came around the corner as I split.

8) Need some utensils for your house?  Well, as you are leaving, grab some
knives and forks and put them in your pockets.	Salt and pepper shakers are
easy to put in your pants too if you need them.

9) BB's!  Get one of those cartons of about a thousand BB's.  Open it up and
then spread them evenly throughout the restaurant.  It's funny to watch five
waiters all tripping and dropping food and glass and blood...

10) Firecrackers!  These are halarious if you pay by cash.  When you are about
to leave, just light a string of blackcats with a fuse that would give you
enough time to pay and get out, or if you already payed.  It will scare the
shit out of everyone if you are still in there and you yell:  "He has a gun
everyone get down!" Watch people flee and panic as they try to get out the
doors while the waiters are tripping over each other and breaking things.

11) Hide everything!  This so when the people come to clean up your table they
won't find a mess, but the next group of people will as they sit down and put
their feet in your lasagna under the table.

12) Order 50 different things and keep having them sent back to the kitchen
because you "didn't want mayonaisse on it." Or you "wanted cheese on it." This
will confuse the waiters and cooks.

13) As the waiters bring you your food and say "I believe you had the Veal
Cutlet?" Say plainly, "No, sorry, I ordered blah blah!"

14) Take the linen napkins into the bathrooms and procede to relieve yourself
in them.  On your way out just DROP it on someone's table as you pass by.  They
will do one of two things.  1:	Have a shit them- selves.  2:  Faint!

Have Phun!  And remember that life is just a game!
========================================


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