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                            | FUN AT THE AIRPORT |
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                        Airplanes, airplanes, everywhere
                        Something special in the air.
                        Midway, Eastern, Continental
                        to India, Mexico, the Orient-al.
                        BUT there is a pit-stop here,
                        Airports: The thing we all fear.


     OK, in everyone's life there comes a time when they must visit the
     airport.  For most of us, this is one of the most unpleasant
     experiences we will ever have.  You walk in to a huge building filled
     with annoyed tellers waiting on 60 people each.  The first thing you
     must do is find the tellers for your airline, usually something like
     "Air Iraq - we get you there, you get back", then you wait in line
     for 45 minutes, only to give some '60's lady your luggage, which
     is subsequently hauled away to God Knows Where.  Then you are allowed
     the privelage of wandering into some person-filled room looking for a
     screen that has your flight on it.  9 out of 10 times, your flight
     has already left.  Then you have to wait another 2 - 10 hours for the
     next one.  This file is Fun Things To Do While Waiting For The Next
     Flight.

     Pretty Obviously, the funnest thing to do is to bother the
     Hare Krishnas... turn the tables for once.  The following is a list
     of the "Top 10 ways to annoy the Hare Krishnas"

         10: Unzip your pants, then wait till they ask if you want to buy
             a flower, say yes, take the flower, when they ask for payment,
             flash open your coat and run.

          9: Tie a string from the end of that ugly little pony tail they
             all have to the truck that carries the luggage.

          8: Ask him to explain the workings of his god, and then walk him
             into the men's bathroom while he's blabbering and leave him
             there.

          7: Light off some smoke bombs and steal all their flowers, or
             better yet their money.

          6: Ask him if he's ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight

          5: Wait till he asks if you want to buy a flower, then say:
             "Why, yeth, I thertainly would...  How bout I buy one and give
              it to you, ya sexy little guy!"

          4: Find one in a stall in the bathroom, and knock on a door saying:
             "Hello, sir, my name is Washington, and I'm a Jehovah's witness,
             would you like to hear about..."

          3: Put his pony tail in the escalator railing.

          2: Ask him if he wants his head shined.

          1: Walk up to one and say "Hey, you wanna buy a used car?  I know
             cars, I'm a car guy, I got cars, you know I got cars...."


             OK, so they weren't that great, but how many things can you
             do to a Hare Krishna?


         Here are some more fun things to do...

           Somehow get to the control place and broadcast into a room full
           of arabs: "Salman Rushdi, I repeat Salman Rushdi, your BLT has
           arrived, please pick it up at the cafeteria, oh and your armed
           guard will not be necessary, I assure you there are no arabs in
           THIS airport."
               That oughtta get a reaction.

           Get into the utility room, and wait until you see an old guy
           approaching a water fountain, then direct all flow of water in
           the airport to that water fountain, and watch him blow his own
           head off.
              Then get onto the speaker and say "Attention all, there has
           been a bomb discovered in <Name of your teller here>'s handbag,
           please proceed to render him/her unconcious as soon as possible,
           then evacuate in a neat and orderly fashion."  Then you get to
           watch a real genuine human stampede.  Then you can go to the
           cafeteria and take all the dough out of the cash register... and
           a donut to go with that.

              Or get to the utility room and broadcast "Ladies and Gentlemen,
           we're sorry, but all of your luggage has been lost.  And it is
           all the fault of <Name of your teller here>, working at terminal
           ##, please take all complaints there."

             Or, of course, my personal favorite, get in the longest line
             and ask for tickets to Lower East Mongolia, and then argue about
             the price until the teller loses it.





                                   Our Story

               This is a tale of a common flight to Anytown, Any country
 on a common airline that can be found at an airport near you.  Unstable
Postman and I, together with a few other insignificant people, were flying
to North Carolina.  For purposes of this story we'll call ourselves Vito
and Vinnie (Same as last story).  We walked into O'hare airport, at the time
there being no flight from Midway to Broadway airport in Raleigh, and we were
prepared to face the horrors of an unrelenting airport.  We walked to the
United airlines terminal, and got in the shortest line we saw (Just shy of
4,954,384, people), and waited.  And waited.  And waited.  Finally, we got
to the counter, faced by a lady with a beehive hairdo, who seemed to be
genuinely angry at the world.  We forked over our tickets, and our luggage,
and waltzed on down to the waiting. . . place.  Luckily, by a stroke of
some odd luck, our plane hadn't left yet.  We boarded, and waited another..
say... 4 centuries before the damn thing took off.  But when it finally did,
the flight was actually relatively pleasant.  There were only 9 (out of a
normal of at least 10) crying babies in the seat next to us, and they were
only out of our first 19 (instead of the normal 20) choices for drinks.
  We arrived in NC after about an hour and a half of flying, and stepped out,
once again, into the battlefield.
  Broadway airport was considerably neater and more organized than O'hare,
but it was still an airport, and one must never drop his guard in an airport.
We walked to the baggage claim to get our luggage, while braving a host of
2 year old kids attemting to surf the rotating rubber mats that would
eventually bring us our things.  One obnoxious little toddler almost got his
when he was sucked halfway in behind those curtains that nobody ever sees
behind, where all the luggage comes from, and then given a beating by his
apparently tired and annoyed father.
   By some miracle, our baggage actually did come, and we walked out of the
airport with high spirits, for the first time in history defeating the
invincible enemy.  We hadn't lost anything besides 4 hours that we SHOULD
have had, and we had a whole vacation to dread the return trip.

                             THE END


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