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                        (*)                        (*)
                        (*)      Roach Torture     (*)
                        (*)  written by Red Matrix (*)
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       Roaches, those tiny little bastards that exist to make your life as
  disgusting as possible. They serve no imaginable purpose unless you're
  a fanciful person like me who knows how to keep those critters from coming
  back. There are many ways to kill a roach, but the sole intent of this file
  is to teach you how to kill a roach slowly and how to inflict the maximum
  amount of pain on the little bastard. Last summer we had a real roach
  problem in our basement, but this year I haven't seen a single roach in
  our house (hmm, I wonder why...). Anyway, here goes...

  Part I: Mental methods

       Contrary to popular belief, roaches can possess a remarkable amount
  of intelligence and can be influenced in more complex means. If you spot
  a roach sitting on your carpet, get down on your knees and get face to
  face with the little shit. Then whisper in a heinious, ominous voice
  "Auuusssscccchhhhwwiiiittttzzzzz". Make sure you draw the word out; this
  makes it sound more like a hiss. If the roach has any brains, it will get
  the hell out of your room (and your house) and bother someone else.
  If the roach hasn't had any history lessons spread the parts of previously
  tortured inmates on the floor. Better yet, set up a fence of barbed wire
  around the roach, throw the body parts in and play Siegfried's Funeral
  March by Wagner at full blast. Set up cardboard gas chambers and spray
  Raid inside so that the roach gets the idea of his predicament. After 5
  minutes, let him go. He will tell his brothers about the hell on earth
  he has just witnessed and they'll all leave your house. Remember that
  these methods only work on intelligent roaches and that you don't have
  to be a sadistic Nazi pig to do this. Think of it as an extermination
  service and you'll have no problem. This motto goes for the rest of the
  file, which at this point will become far gorier...
 

  Part II: Impalements

       For some people, sticking an object through a roach is sick, demented,
  and a flagrant violation of animal rights. If you really hate them though
  you'll enjoy watching the roach writhe in agony. The easiest way to impale
  a roach is to grab a toothpick and stick it right in the middle of the bitch.
  It will wriggle around in a futile effort to get loose. This is when you
  grab hold of the roach's body and push it into the middle of the toothpick.
  Then draw two big cardboard wheels, cut them out and stick the two ends of
  the toothpick into the center of each wheel. Spray the deathmobile with
  gasoline and light the fucker. The roach will have the sensation of burning
  to death on the stake (quite literally). If you're hungry, dip the toothpick
  into barbecue sauce before impaling the roach. That way, you'll have a
  delicious morsel to eat after the execution is completed! Roaches do taste
  a lot like chicken, and the meat of basted roach just dissolves in your
  mouth! If eating roaches just isn't your thing, you can impale them in a
  messier fashion. You'll need about 30 needles for this trick. After you
  get the equipment, push the roach onto a piece of wood. Then stick a needle
  in the center of the roach. Watch him squirm for 30 seconds and then put
  another needle into the location of your choice. Chances are that the roach
  won't live to feel all 30 needles, but you never know. The roaches of the
  African variety have been known to move with 50 needles sticking out of
  their hide. After the impalement is finished, pull the needles out (they're
  reusable) and let the roach's body fluids soak the wood. This action will
  let future victims know that they're about to be executed when they reach
  this spot, causing them to react with greater fear. The actual disposal of
  the body will be discussed later in this file.


  Part III: Dissection

       Watching dismembered body parts move on their own fascinates some
  people more than others; if this applies to you then maybe you'll prefer
  to use this method. It is easiest to start off with sticking one needle
  in the front and the other in the back of the roach. Then grab a steak
  knife and slowly cut through the tissue of the bugger. You'll have a first
  hand look at the still operating organs and at the same time have the
  satisfaction of watching it in its death throes. Once again, if your
  hunger should take over, you can pick up a piece and try to suck the meat
  out (like a popsicle). The feeling of squirming roach meat in your mouth
  is hard to describe. Another variant of dissection is to slice the roach
  up piece by piece. Cut off its legs and antennae and watch it roll
  around the floor in desperation. Or carefully open the shell and watch
  the roach surge upward as the pain jolts through its body. Dissection
  is one of the quicker ways for the roach to die and one of the more
  interesting ways to observe.


  Part IV: Body Disposal

       After your dirty deeds are finished, you are left with one remnant
  of the execution: the corpse. I have already mentioned some ways of ridding
  yourself of the body; slicing it up into little pieces and spreading it
  on the floor or eating the juicy morsel of meat. There is nothing wrong
  with these methods of disposal, but in my opinion every criminal deserves
  a dignified burial. Give your roach a name, preferably of someone you hate
  (Bakker Roach, etc.). Then find an empty matchbox and put the body in the
  casket. Label the casket, recite a brief prayer, and drop the roach into
  the toilet. If the roach was particularly hard to kill take a shit before
  flushing the toilet (don't worry, dead roaches can't crawl up your ass).
  Pull the handle and your kill is history. After the ceremony, keep your
  eye open for any other roaches (although they'd be pretty stupid to come
  anywhere near you if they got any word of the torture...).

       Well, that does it for roach torture, if I get enough requests I'll
  write a sequel to this file mentioning more methods of killing those
  bastard creatures from hell. Enjoy!

7/28/90
              
