Subject: Desperado #3058: Every Tub on Its Own Bottom

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 DESPERADO, But Everybody Takes a Turn in the Barrel

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CONTRIBUTIONS TO CLOSET::T_PARMENTER
[t_parmenter@closet.enet.dec.com]
SUBSCRIPTION REQUESTS TO COVERT::DESPERADO-REQUEST
[desperado-request@covert.enet.dec.com]

991 lines shy of an empty file
	
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Not an official publication.  Forward with daring and whimsy.  Circle the earth.
Should you rip something off from here,  be a sport and rip this header off too.
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	So, here we are again, facing another new year.  It is a leap,
	sure, but it's not a palindrome.

				    =*=
	
        The Communists are down to their last billion people.

				    =*=				

	Not bought as a Christmas gift this year:  American flag beach
	towel.	

				    =*=				

        I watched only one of those "year-in-review" talking-head
        extravaganzas.  That is, I watched as much as I could stand, that
        is, about ten minutes.  This was on "Rod MacLeish" (he's
        Archibald's son and a "distinguished" ("old") newscaster on the
        Monitor Channel.  He'd gotten together four more "distinguished"
        columnists and commentators.  They were going over the August coup
        while I watched.  Not a single one of these experts alluded to the
        notion that Gorbachev set the whole thing up himself.  I mean,
        there he was in the Crimea, guarded, while the coup proceded.  It
        failed and he emerged and "took charge", or so he thought.  I have
        the strongest feeling that if the coup had succeeded. Gorby would
        have also emerged and "taken charge", giving the appearance of all
        kinds of vigorous getting rid of putschists and taking control of a
        much-strengthened central government, same as he tried to do after
        the failed coup.

        Anyway, here were these five old Washington duffers puzzling over
        why the failed coup led to Gorby's downfall when there are all
        kinds of indications that Yeltsin et cetera saw right through
        Gorby's plot and never gave him another chance to wield the scepter
        after his coup failed.

        This isn't an original theory, by the way, but the great propaganda
        machine has confined it safely to the political weeklies and thus
        kept it from the attention of readers of the New York/Washington
        Times/Post, where only approved news appears.  The confusing thing
        is that the approval can come from either the outs or the ins, but
        both the outs and the ins have a vested interest in defining the
        scope (narrow), depth (shallow) and inclusiveness (keep the list
        short) of the issues.

				    =*=				

        These are the same folks who're all upset about Oliver Stone's
        "JFK".  The premise, as above, is, "It's not nice to talk about
        things like that."

				    =*=

	Another way of putting it:  "Maintain the fiction."

	Gaffe = term used to designate occasions when politicians
	accidentally speak the truth.

				    =*=				

	By their commas, ye shall know them:

	"The commas are the most useful and usable of all the stops.  It is
        highly important to put them in place as you go along.  If you try
        to come back after doing a paragraph and stick them in the various
        spots that tempt you you will discover that they tend to swarm like
        minnows into all sorts of crevices whose existence you hadn't
        realized and before you know it the whole long sentence becomes
        immobilized and lashed up squirming in commas.  Better to use them
        sparingly, and with affection, precisely when the need for each
        one arises, nicely, by itself."

				-- Lewis Thomas, "The Medusa and the Snail".

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                 BUT GRACE, THEN ANYONE WILL BE ABLE TO PROGRAM!
	
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From:	DECWRL::"janet@bostech.com"
To:	closet::t_parmenter
CC:	Charla.Mustard-Foote@east.sun.com
Subj:	Grace Hopper -- RIP

Tom,
Charla said I should whip something out for desperado. So here it is.

Admiral Grace Murray Hopper died on New Year's Day.

I still have the nanosecond she handed out when I heard her speak at DEC in
1983.  The nanosecond is a length of wire a little over 11 inches long,
which represents the distance the electrons travel in a nanosecond. The
Admiral wanted people to understand graphically exactly how long a
nanosecond is. She handed them out at all her talks.

This woman was my hero. I grew up at the tail end of the era when
the nuns were still telling me girls couldn't be math majors. But when
I read an article about Grace Hopper and COBOL, I knew they were wrong.

Being a compiler developer, I viewed Grace Hopper as THE giant of
computing. Having the opportunity to hear her speak, and the opportunity
to speak with her for about 30 seconds, was one of the high points of
my life.

About 4 years ago, she was on The David Letterman Show. I never watch
Letterman. I'm asleep at that time and I don't have a VCR. A friend called
me, woke me up, and said "Go to your TV now. Grace Hopper is on Letterman"
and hung up. I ran to my TV and watched the interview. She completely
upstaged David Letterman. She had him just absolutely wrapped around her
little finger. She was tough, salty, blunt, just wonderful. I wish
I had that interview on tape.

A friend of mine who knows nothing whatsoever about computers lives
in the same apartment complex as Admiral Hopper in Arlington, VA.
I remember his telling me that some lady admiral who did something
with computers lived in his building. I practically jumped out
of my chair exclaiming "Grace Hopper lives in your building!!!!!"
about 10 times before I settled down and explained to him who
she was and why I was so excited.

This woman was something.

RIP Admiral Hopper.

Janet
	
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                            CHRISTMAS IN JAIL

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	Just as I use NEMO:: to indicate an anonymous DECnet posting (even	
	though there is a real NEMO:: I was there first), I have invented
	"omen.com" to serve the same function for Internet nodes, and, no,
	I don't care if there's a real omen.com either.

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From:	DECPA::"a_friend@omen.com"
To:	closet::t_parmenter
Subj:	Reply to Christmas Desperado

Tom,

The story of "Brother John" touched me deeply. Alcohol does a number on
family life and it always seems more awful at Christmas time than during
the rest of the year, just because of the contrast with the media image of
the fairy tale happy family. What strikes me is that each person who is
going through the gray Christmases with the drunk relatives often thinks
he or she is the only one going through this, that the entire rest of the
country is gathered cheerfully around the Christmas tree drinking in
moderation and enjoying the warmth and love. I've spent enough Christmases
tainted by alcoholism and cocaine addiction and arrests and car wrecks to
know that addictions, their consequences on the family, and the general
misery don't stop for Christmas or any other holiday.

Sometimes even through the misery there's a tiny glimmer of something
though. Last Christmas Eve my cousin Bob, a heavy duty drug addict and an
alcoholic, was arrested for violating his parole. He was spending
Christmas Eve in the local jail alone and feeling sorry for himself. When
the prisoners went outside into the yard for exercise, Bob spotted another
inmate who looked familiar but he couldn't quite place him. This other
inmate spotted Bob, recognized him, and approached him. "Bob? Bob Mumble?"
"Yes." "It's me, Cousin Bill."  So Bob and Bill had family to spend
Christmas Eve with after all. Bob called his Mom to tell her how happy he
was not to be alone on Christmas Eve after all. Bob is clean and sober
now, miraculously. I don't know about Bill.

Reading "Everyman"'s story brought to mind many memories of family
Christmases both pleasant and unpleasant. It also stirred up in me a very
personal feeling of overwhelming gratitude that, aware of my family
heritage, I woke up and quit drinking the instant that I had a clue that I
might not be in total control.

If you should choose to include all or part of this in desperado, please
please please do not use my name and please change the names of my
relatives.

Happy Christmas.

Virginia

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                       VIRTUAL CHRISTMAS IN JAPAN

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From:	DECPA::"kddlab!csl.rdc.toshiba.co.jp!jan@uunet.UU.NET"
To:	closet::t_parmenter
Subj:	Virtual Christmas

This handy device was dreamed up in order to provide to those people whose
religion or country doesn't come equipped with Christmas with the same
thrills year after year that most Americans have long taken for granted.

Tokyo has been extensively retrofitted and supports 90-95% Christmas
compatible operation, such as tree lighting, long shopping lines, consumer
hyping, and the ever elusive Christmas special.

Extended features bring new levels of functionality to the Christmas
oriented concept.  Hotels throughout the city have been booked up by young
couples planning to consummate their relationship after a night on the
town.

A word of caution, lest the unwary observer begin feeling the Christmas
spirit: salarymen celebrate as did Bob Cratchit by putting in a good day's
work at the office.  "Bah Humbug," say they, to all of this newfangled
virtual nonsense.

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             NO, VIRGINIA, THIS IS *NOT* THE SPECIAL CHRISTMAS ISSUE
	
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From:	LESLIE::leslie "andy leslie" 22-NOV-1991 07:28:12.21
To:	CLOSET::T_PARMENTER
CC:	
Subj:	Christmas is coming. So is Easter. Stock up on suntan oil...

On one of my increasingly infrequent (I know that isn't english but you get the
drift) trips to the USA, I recently popped into a candy store and looked for
some candy for my kids. There, as Arlo Guthrie might have said, in the middle
of the store, not next to anything else in the store, were easter eggs.

Now, being a Brit, I had no idea that America had Easter Eggs in November, so
maybe they're Thanksgiving Eggs? Do such things exist? I guess there's a dearth
of real eggs because you're all off killing birds?

SOmehow I was unsurprised that the 24 hour CVS had suntan oil on sale. It was 3
a.m. when I hit the joint, looking for Ibuprofen to calm my headache caused by
hotel central heating (my story and I'm sticking to it, despite the bar bills)
and I guess they were really busy or something because all the tills were
closed as the two women who were there that night stood and talked for a while
behind the counter. So I opened my diet pepsi and the advil packet and
proceeded to nuke said headache whilst they looked on. They chatted on and it
was only after an extremely old-fashioned look from me that I got to pay for
what I'd just about consumed at that point.

Strawberries in Merrimack told me the new Genesis CD was out on 19th November,
but there it was the next day at Lechemere on sale already. Clairvoyant sale?

So what, I hear you ask, there's stupid shops and stupid shop assistants in the
UK too. True. Just to prove it, C&A (a local department store) just stopped
taking American Express cards but forgot to tell all their staff, so I received
a phone call from an embarassed employee who had looked up my name&number in
the phone book asking me to return and use a different method of payment for my
kids trousers.

Hmm.

Enough rambling

andy

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                          AT LAST, THE END OF CHRISTMAS
	
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From:	DECPA::"Phill.Kelley@aarcbr.miden.com.au" 24-DEC-1991 20:32:34.09
To:	closet::t_parmenter
CC:	
Subj:	Desperado contribution

G'Day Tom!

Here's a little something from my local paper that I thought might be
enjoyed by Desperado fans around the world. No need to hold it until
next Christmas - send it out anytime.

Keep up the good work!

Regards,  Phill

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////\

Based upon an article by Michele Phillips in "The Canberra Times" Dec 17th
1991. Canberra is the Washington-DC of Australia and is about 3 hrs drive
south-west of Sydney.


         A SURE RECIPE TO OVERCOME CHRISTMAS PANIC ATTACKS

There's a Christmas ad on television at the moment and, to be honest, I
can't remember the product it's advertising because the characters are so
fascinating they tend to take your mind off the message.

But it involves a huge Christmas tree, professionally decorated by an
interior designer (just like in Real Life), and a family that looks like
it's about to attend a reception at the White House.

Father hasn't crawled out of bed and pulled on a pair of Stubbies with a
hole in the crutch (later to be pointed out by a visiting niece with her
new Garfield ruler).

No, he's wearing a suit, tie and a smug expression because, even though
mother's been up since 4am, she's still smiling.

The two perfect children and not running around seeing who's best at
spitting peanuts through the revolving blades of the ceiling fan.

They're opening their presents very sedately and you can see from the way
they're dressed that they're the sort of children who won't whinge if they
get undergarments and book vouchers.

At first this advertisement made me laugh hysterically but then I started
to think: what if Christmases like this *really* happen and our house is
the only one in the entire world that resembles bedlam, complete with
staring-eyed adult inmates?

Maybe it's completely abnormal to have panic attacks in Target and to hate
making Christmas cakes because nobody eats them anyway.

And I got very worried and depressed so I phoned my support group (Terry
who lives up the road) and she came down with a cask of chardonnay and a
photocopy of a recipe for curing Christmas.

And it's so good, this recipe, that I'd like to share it with all those
closet Christmas-haters that Terry assures me exist.

You need to make it on Christmas Eve and you'll need water, butter, sugar,
eggs, dried fruit, baking soda, salt, brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts and a
bottle of whisky.

                                 * * *

First, sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer and beat one cup of butter in a large, fluffy
bowl. Add one spoontea of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer, break two eggs into the bowl and chick in a cup of
dried fruit. Mix on the turner.

If the fruit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky again to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt or something. Who cares? Check the whisky.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one tbsp of drown sugar
or whatever color you can find.

Wix mell, grease the oven and turn the cake pan to 180 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window,
check the whisky again and go to bed.

With any luck, you won't wake up until Boxing Day and by then the worst
will be over.

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               WILL PHANTOM BOMBS BE AMERICA'S DETERRENT?

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Albuquerque - America's nuclear arsenal of the future could consist mainly
of "virtual bombs" that exist only as digital data in computers.  Factories
will stand by, ready to turn these designs into real bombs made from
plutonium and metal in case of a national emergency.
Officials at nuclear weapons laboratories in the US call the plan "Long
Shadow".  Richard Wagner, a former scientist from Lawrence Livermore
National Laboratoriesin California, began promoting the idea while he was
working at the Pentagon several years ago.  He says that future adversaries
will be deterred by the US's potential nuclear arsenal, rather than by
actual nuclear weapons held on alert.  "You might think of a nuclear
factory as casting a long shadow into the future," says Wagner.

The nuclear laboratories initially opposed the idea, he says.  But after
President Bush announced drastic reductions in the nuclear arsenal in
September, the laboratories have "grasped it as a straw to float with".

The laboratories are now promoting the idea because it will save money, yet
allow them to continue their work.  Under Long Shadow, they would continue
to design successive generations of nuclear weapons, but most of the bombs
would never be built and few would require testing.  The machine tools
required to manufacture them would stand ready for use in huge factories
that would normally turn out only a few weapons each year.

As part of this plan, scientists at the laboratories will no longer design
bombs that are "the biggest and the neatest" yet nearly impossible to
build, says  Harry Saxton, director of manufacturing engineering at Sandia
National Laboratories in Albuquerque, New Mexico.  Wagner agrees:  bombs of
the future will be easy to build, reliable, and extremely safe.  This means
that in order to produce the same amount of destructive blast as today's
bombs, the weapons will have to use more fissionalble material and wiwll be
two to three times as heavey.

Saxton says that the laboratories need to continue to develop new designs
for nuclear weapons to incorporate new technology.  As an example, Sandia
is currently developing a fusing and firing mechanism for nuclear bombs
that is based on pulses of light through optical fibres rather than
electronics.  According to Paul Robinson, Sandia's vice-president for
laboratory development, this mechanism will be safer, because it eliminates
the need to shield it from stray electrical current.

Long Shadow should reduce the need to carry out nuclear tests, which are
very expensive, says Saxton.  According to Wagner, nuclear bombs could be
desinged to be reliable for at least 50 years without further testing.
Currently, many tests are carried out simply to make sure that bombs in the
stockpile still work as designed.

					-- New Scientist, 7 December 1991

				    =*=				

From:	MAST::REISERT "Jim -- MLO3-6/B9"
To:	Desperado,blort::flamingo,dave,doug,ruth,rumor::falek
Subj:	Computer virus use cited in Gulf War

 Virus - Computer virus use cited in Gulf War
	{The Boston Globe, 12-Jan-92, p. 12}
   Several weeks before the start of the Gulf War, US intelligence agents
 inserted a computer virus into a network of Iraqi computers tied to that
 country's air defense system, a news magazine reports. US News and World
 Report said the virus was designed by the supersecret National Security Agency
 at Fort Meade, Md., and was intended to disable a mainframe computer. The
 report, citing two unidentified senior US officials, said the virus appeared
 to have worked, but it gave no details. It said the operation may have been
 irrelevant, though, since the allies' overwhelming air superiority would have
 ensured the same results of rendering the air defense radars and missiles
 ineffective. The secret operation began when American intelligence agents
 identified a French-made computer printer that was to be smuggled from Amman,
 Jordan, to a military facility in Baghdad. The agents in Amman replaced a
 computer chip in the printer with another microchip that contained the virus
 in its electronic circuits. By attacking the Iraqi computer through the
 printer, the virus was able to avoid detection by normal electronic security
 procedures, the report said. "Once the virus was in the system, the US
 officials explained, each time an Iraqi technician opened a 'window' on his
 computer screen to access information, the contents of the screen simply
 vanished," US News reported. The report is part of a book, based on 12 months
 of research by US News reporters, called "Triumph without Victory: The
 Unreported History of the Persian Gulf War," to be published next month.

<><><><><><><><>  T h e   V O G O N   N e w s   S e r v i c e  <><><><><><><><>

 Edition : 2491               Monday 13-Jan-1992            Circulation :  8084

				    =*=				

From:	DECWRL::"guy@odi.com"
To:	closet::t_parmenter, jo@odi.com, ruth@ksr.com
Subj:	along the lines of "lights on but nobody home"

I heard this while spending Christmas in the Deep South:

    "He couldn't find his butt with two hands and a hound dog"

uttered by James S. Stuart, one of my old highschool buddies.

				-- Guy

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                           TWO SLIGHTLY DIFFERING VIEWS
                               ON SEEING IN STEREO
	
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From:	3D::HAINSWORTH   "Chia Club for Men"
To:	CLOSET::T_PARMENTER
CC:	HAINSWORTH
Subj:	Stereo pair

Hi Tom,

I can't just look at these things and make them come into focus, but here's
what I do:

- Shut your left eye

- Hold up your index finger about 1/2 way from your eye to the screen.

- Position your finger so that the tip appears to be below the feet of the
  left juggler.

- Now open your right eye and focus on the screen.  You should see two images
  of your finger.

- Move your finger so that the other image of it appears directly below the
  right juggler, while keeping the first image directly below the left juggler.

- When both images of your finger are centered under their respective jugglers,
  focus your eyes on your finger.

- Now look above your finger, where the two jugglers should be nearly merged.
  It should be much easier to make them merge now.

This process works very well on regular tile patterns, too.  If you don't feel
the walls closing in on you in public bathrooms, now you know how to make
them do so!

-John (who never quite grew up)

*****

Duane Starcher             *           o              o
Memorial University        S             o                o
St. John's, Newfoundland   T         o               o
Canada                     E           _  _o           _   _ o
                           R         o 0 /         o   0  /
(duane@morgan.ucs.mun.ca)  E         _/@            _/ @
                           O           |               |
                           *         _/ \_           _/ \_

				    =*=				

From:	DECWRL::"buff@pravda.cc.gatech.edu" "Richard Billington"
To:	closet::t_parmenter
Subj:	Seeing the jugglers ...

TECHNIQUE:

Fix your eyes on a point behind and between the two jugglers. Notice that
there are now more than two jugglers (four, actually). Move your head towards
the screen until the a set of these "unfocused" jugglers merge into one.
You'll see a 3-d juggler in the middle and the "flat" images in the periphery
(one on each side). Some people have enough control on the depth they are
focusing their eyes at that they can simply change the focal length and get
this overlapping effect. For the beginner, "pick" a focal length where the
jugglers stablize and then move your head until they merge.

(If you don't understand the first sentence in these instructions, put your
finger in front of your face and stare at it. One finger. Now look at a point
in the distance, but notice that there are now "two" fingers in your vision.)

Yea, I like it.
Duane Starcher             *           o              o
Memorial University        S             o                o
St. John's, Newfoundland   T         o               o
Canada                     E           _  _o           _   _ o
                           R         o 0 /         o   0  /
(duane@morgan.ucs.mun.ca)  E         _/@            _/ @
                           O           |               |
                           *         _/ \_           _/ \_

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	I like it too, but I'm still working on making it *do* it.  I can
	get tantalizingly close and then my mundane brain says no it's just
	two pictures, stop trying to fool me, and snaps away.

	While we're at it, the the master of the technical side of creating
	of 3D comic books glories in the name of Ray Zone.  Almost as good
	as the name God gave great fly fisherman Art Flick.
	
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From:	CERN::JRS "John SHADE 'Attila the Nun'
To:	CLOSET::T_PARMENTER	
Subj:	Contribution (?) to DESPERADO

Tom,

  Thanks for having added me to your distribution list.

  I presume that you're more interested in items of current interest, but
  here's an extract from a British newspaper (I forget exactly which one
  and the exact date) which, although old, is authentic.

-John

=========
	
The Government of Uganda recently asked the World Bank to find someone to work
in an undefined capacity for President Amin. The bank found a suitable recruit,
an Englishman, and cabled him an offer, adding: "You have a prepaid cablegram
of twenty-four letters in which to reply."

In precisely twenty-four letters his reply was: "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA".

				    =*=				
From:	VAXUUM::CALIPH::binder "Magister dixit" 16-DEC-1991 14:49:51.99
To:	vaxuum::parmenter
CC:	
Subj:	Re:  Desperado #3056:  You Do Something Stupid

>	Did I read somewhere that we don't have to use those dopey state
>	abbreviations anymore, MA, CA, MI, AK, CO?  That it's okay to
>	return to Mass, Cal (or the magisterial Calif), Mo, Ark and Colo?

Dopey state abbreviations is right.  AK isn't Ark, AR is; AK is Alaska.
And MI isn't Mo, either, it's Mich. fergoshsake!

And you a former journalista, fershame.

-dick

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	Perhaps that's the point.

	I wrote a bunch of checks this month with nine-digit ZIPs and
	in every single case the number of the P.O. Box was the same as
	the extra four ZIP digits.
	
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From:	DECWRL::"TINN@cgi.com" "Ryan D. Tinn"
To:	closet::t_parmenter
Subj:	The best quote I've heard about politics in a long time

	"Cynicism, apathy and disgust is a perfectly rational
         response to American politics."

				- Molly Ivins
				  Texas Political Correspondent

				    =*=				

From:	DECWRL::"dlw@odi.com"
To:	closet::t_parmenter
Subj:	Desperado #3056:  You Do Something Stupid

	   Everything which is created by intelligence alone is false.

Who said that one, Robert Gates?

				    =*=				

From:	LANDO::HAFNER
	"If the opposite of CON is PRO, what's the opposite of PROGRESS???"
To:	@HUMOR,BRIAN,DRIFT::WOOD,STONE,ELLEN,CLOSET::T_PARMENTER
Subj:	Interesting stuff...

<The original author's name was apparently removed before I got this...>

Subject: I brought this stuff back from Ireland, and it's great!!!

Subj:	For all you sophisticated brew consumers...


THIS IS NOT A COMMERCIAL ENDORSEMENT

I had the good fortune to be invited to attend a very special beer happening
(am I dating myself with that term?) recently by Tom Dahldorf of the California
Celebrator.  The event was Guinness' unveiling of their new product, Pub
Draught Guinness.  Now, I can hear the lot of you saying to yourselves "Yeah,
yeah, another 'draft beer in a can', big deal".  But this one is different.
For the most part this product actually does what it is supposed to do!

Anyone who has had Guinness Stout on draught and from a bottle knows there is a
vast difference between the two brews.  The brewery makes no secret of the fact
that the recipes are different not only between the kegged version and the
bottled, but also between different bottled markets.  Now the folks at Guinness
have developed a system which dispenses their stout from a can in such a way as
to rival a pub tap.  They have been working on this for some 20 years and the
final method was preceded by over 100 failed attempts.

The problem has always been the fact that draught Guinness is (or should be)
dispensed with a mixture of Nitrogen and CO2 gasses rather than the
conventional CO2 alone.  The nitrogen is used because it makes very fine
bubbles while it is not absorbed into the brew as the CO2 is, thus it does not
"over-carbonate" the beer.  Also a special faucet is preferred which, in
combination with the gasses, creates that wonderful creamy brown head which
lasts to the bottom of the glass.  The new can combines the original kegged
stout recipe with technology which creates the draught effect to a tee.

Dr. Alan Forage, creator of the technology, was on hand to explain the
mechanics of the new can.  This is the way the system works:  The 16.9 ounce
can (containing 14.9 ounces of beer) is fitted with a small plastic device
(Guinness calls it a "smoothifier") which sits in the bottom of the can.  This
device has a pocket or cavity which is open to the atmosphere via a pin hole in
its top.  The can is evacuated of oxygen and filled with beer.  Prior to
sealing the can, a dose of liquid nitrogen is added to the beer.  The can is
closed and as the liquid nitrogen warms a pressure is created.  The pressure
forces about 1% of the beer and nitrogen into the plastic cavity.   When the
can is opened, the pressure is released and the small amount of beer in the
cavity is forced back through the pinhole quite violently.  The agitation
created by this "geyser" mixes the nitrogen with the beer in such a way as to
reproduce the tap handle character.  Open up the first empty can you have in
order to see what the "smoothifier" looks like.

Prior to serving, the beer must be chilled.  Guinness suggests a two hour stint
in a refrigerator, with a target serving temperature of 45-50 degrees (if
opened while warm, the beer gushes with excess force).  This is the one area
where flavor will be variable since most American refrigerators hold their
temperatures closer to 35-40 degrees.  We all know the colder the beer the less
the flavors are perceptible.  Education will be the key here.  The entire
contents should be emptied into a 16 ounce glass.  The head which forms is
exactly like that of the draught version.  And yes, it does last to the bottom
of the glass.

How does it taste?  In my opinion, this is virtually the same as what you get
at a well maintained pub.  The texture is right on.  The flavor is wonderful.
I suspect there may be some slight differences as a result of the volume of the
package (14.9 ounces vs. 15.5 gallons) but I didn't notice any.  According to
Declan Maguire, group marketing director of Guinness Import Company here in the
U.S., extensive taste comparisons were made throughout Ireland and England
during the development of the product.  This includes side-by-side blind
tastings with the original version.

The cans come in packages of 4.  The suggested price is $5.99.  The stout is 4%
alcohol by volume.  Guinness is releasing the new product in the San Francisco,
Chicago, and Baltimore/Washington D.C. areas to begin with.  Locally, Safeway
stores are carrying it at $3.00/2 cans.  The cans can be recycled just like
other aluminum ones.  I suspect the insert is made from the same plastic which
is used to coat the inside of the can and will burn off during the recycling
process.

Congratulations to Guinness on the success of this new package.

				    =*=				

	Attributed to Tom Peters:  "Someone in our research establlishment
	once said that 'a distributed system is one where a system you've
	never heard of and are not using can cause you to fail.'"

				    =*=				
	
From:	TLE::STERN        "Grub first, then ethics."
To:	CLOSET::T_PARMENTER
CC:	
Subj:	Another stupidity analogy

Akin to two bricks shy of a load (or hod):

Today's Globe (14 Nov 91) has a story about a bigamist who murdered
one of his wives.  It's a bizarre story in its own write (sorry).
One of the people who knows the guy remarked that he's always been

	TWO SANDWICHES SHORT OF A PICNIC.

/Geoff
				    =*=				

From:	STAR::DIPIRRO      "I'd rather be pounding nails into my head"
To:	CLOSET::T_PARMENTER	
Subj:	It has finally come down to this...

>From the opening of a speech by Garry Trudeau, the cartoonist, at Yale
University's Class Day last May--

  "Dean Kagan, distinguished faculty, parents, friends, graduating seniors,
   Secret Service agents, class agents, people of class, people of color,
   colorful people, people of height, the vertically constrained, people of
   hair, the differently coiffed, the optically challenged, the temporarily
   sighted, the insightful, the out of sight, the out-of-towners, the
   Eurocentrics, the Afrocentrics, the Afrocentrics with Eurailpasses, the
   eccentrically inclined, the sexually disinclined, people of sex, sexy
   people, sexist pigs, animal companions, friends of the earth, friends of
   the boss, the temporarily employed, the differently employed, the
   differently optioned, people with options, people with stock options, the
   divestiturists, the deconstructionists, the home constructionists, the
   homeboys, the homeless, the temporarily housed at home, and, God save us,
   the permanently housed at home:"

				    =*=				

From: Lang_Zerner@go.com
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: Yo, conspiracy theorists!  Check this out...

More high wierdness...

If you enjoy conspiracy theories, check out the Spotlight.  Their circular
arrived in my P.O. box yesterday, and I'm probably going to get a two-year
subscription ($66 for 104 weekly issues).  With my subscription, they're going
to send me eight Spotlight special reports free.  Reports 5, 6, 7, and 8 are
particularly interesting:

   REPORT #1:  How to Maximize Your Estate-Planning Options with a Durable
   Power of Attorney.

   REPORT #2: Greedy Drug Companies Profit by Limiting Your Rights to
   Inexpensive Health Care.

   REPORT #3: How to Probate-Proof Your Estate with a Revocable Living Trust.

   REPORT #4: How to Use the Taxpayers' Bill of Rights.

   REPORT #5: Drugs, Banks, and Money-Laundering: the Sordid Side of the Story
   that the News Media Isn't Telling You.  "In this new report, you'll read
   the amazing eyewitness testimony of Lt. Col. James (Bo) Gritz, America's
   most highly decorated Vietnam War veteran, [who] has revealed that a
   handful of top-ranking U.S. diplomats and intelligence officials are
   heavily involved in the heroin trafficking trade in Southeast Asia."

   REPORT #6: The Secret Plan to Uproot the U.S. Constitution.  "At least one
   high-ranking government official, Attorney General Richard Thornburgh, is a
   member in good standing of a secretive group of intellectuals and
   politicians who advocate scrapping the U.S. Constitution."

   REPORT #7: How You'll be Affected by a One-World Government.  "The
   Establishment press hasn't told you that the newly-emerging European
   Superstate is just the prelude to a long-planned `One-World Government'--a
   centralized government to which the United States and all the world's
   countries would eventually become subservient!"

   REPORT #8: A Group of Billionaires Meet Annually to Plan Your Future.  "The
   Bilderbergers are a secret group of powerful financiers, wealthy corporate
   luminaries, handpicked politicos--and newscasters and journalists--from
   around the world who meet quietly in some out-of-the-way luxury hotel to
   plan the economic and political policies of the so-called `free' world.
   ...solid, documented proof of these meetings, and who attends them."

The flier also boasts that the Spotlight was the first to report "how
computerized voting machines are being manipulated to fix elections around the
country," first to reveal in early 1989 the existence of the plan to invade
Panama to get Noriega out, first to reveal "the truth about the burgeoning
BCCI banking and drug money laundering scandal."  They also report that U.S.,
Canadian, and British military organizations have dumped "hundreds of
thousands of tons of deadly chemical weapons (including nerve gas) just off
U.S. and European coasts, and the deadly chemicals are already beginning to
bubble to the surface near the coast of Washington state."

However, the paper isn't completely out on the fringe (as is, for example,
Fortean Times).  They've won two journalism awards this year from Project
Censored, a journalists' advocacy project at Sonoma State University.  What's
more (this should send you running to get a subscription), while a senator,
Vice President J. Danforth Quayle had this to say about the Spotlight: "I
liked the stories on the NRA.  I thought they were pretty good."

The Spotlight, 300 Independence Ave. SE, Washington, DC 20003.  Weekly.  Two
years (104 issues), $66; all eight special reports included.  One year (53
issues), $36; choose two reports.  30-issue trial, $22.50; choose one report.

Be seeing you...
--The Rt. Rev. K'houtek Hypen-Dache

||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

                      DEPARTMENT OF IRRESPONSIBLE EXPLOSIONS
	
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

From: grege@gold.gvg.tek.com (Gregory Ebert)
Newsgroups: rec.pyrotechnics
Subject: Re: RE: Lightshow a la  Microwave
Organization: Grass Valley Group, Grass Valley, CA
Lines: 100

	The Effect of 2.45Ghz Electromagnetic Energy on Various
	Illumination Devices.

	Technical Report # 4Q2-69-PYRO

	Dated 30 May 1991

	By Gregory J. Ebert, Sr. Pyro-destructor (ret)

	Abstract: The effects of 2.45 Mhz E-M energy on various light
	producing devices has been investigated and is presented here.


	The investigation was initiated at approximately 20:22 PDT
	on 29 May 1991 at the request of a fellow netlander.

	Specimen number one is a conventional incandescent bulb
	manufactured by General Electric and rated at 75 Watts at
	120 volts RMS. Said item was placed into a household
	microwave oven rated at 660 watts. Upon energizing, there
	was approximately 0.75 to 1.0 seconds during which no
	observable effect was noted. The investigation comittee
	concluded that this period of time was the result of
	equipment warm-up. The observable effects produced energy
	in the luminous, audible, and thermal regions. Considerable
	pulsating light primarily located in the violet section of the
	visible light spectrum was observed. After 10 seconds of
	exposure, said specimen was removed from test chamber and was
	observed to be quite hot.

	Specimen number two is a handful of NE-2 type neon lamps with
	connecting wires of variuos lengths and shapes. Said specimens
	were placed on an expenable dinner plate and placed into the
	test chamber and exposed. All lamps produced orangish-pink
	light at intensity levels approximately 20-30 times higher
	than when used in-circuit per manufacturers specified lamp
	current. Also observaed were sporadic electrical discharges
	between device interconnect wires and audible popping. The
	wife of the pricipal investigator was in the adjacent room
	monitoring television broadcasts and concluded that popcorn
	was being produced. A unanimous vote by the investigation
	committee deferred further experimentation until said
	experiments could be conducted discreetly.

	Adjournment.

	Principal investigator's wife was absent on the morning of
	30 May 1991; committee voted unanimously to reconvene and
	finish experiments.

	Experimentation continued with specimen number two. Four devices
	were selected at random, and placed upon an non-expendable dish
	and inserted into test chamber. Exposure produced intense
	orange-pink light (as expected), but electrical discharge
	activity was notable reduced. After approximately 30 seconds
	of total integrated exposure, on of the four specimens ceased
	to produce luminous energy. Said specimen was examined
	thoroughly and was found to have a hole through its enclosure.
	It was postulated that arcing melted the glass, whereupon the
	neon gas escaped. Adjacent to the hole was noticeable
	black scarring of the non-expendable dish. Said dish was
	rinsed then placed on the bottom of the stack with the belief
	prinicpal investigator's wife would be least likely to notice
	the damaged dish.
	
	The remaining three functional units were subsequently
	immersed in a glass of water and exposed to 2.45 Ghz e-m energy.
	Orange-pink light was produced at previous intensity level,
	but no discharges were observed. After 15 seconds of
	exposure, bubbling was observed, followed by vigorous boiling
	of the water.

	Specimen number three was a group of red light-emitting diodes
	(LEDs). After several seconds of exposure, no effects were
	seen. Device leads were bent to form dipole antennae, and then
	exposed. Only one subject produced a very short red flash.
	Several subjects were cascaded to produce a dipole antenna which
	had peak absorbtion nearer to the 2.45Ghz excitation. Upon
	exposure, 2 subjects produced brilliant red flashes, then
	exploded. Experimentation was stopped.

	Specimen #1 was placed inside a blast shield fabricated from a
	a container constructed of polymerized hydrocarbons to
	hold a product of bovine lactation. Subject was exposed for
	approximately 20 seconds and in addition to violet light, also
	produced greenish and occaisionally white visible light.
	Thermal activity reduced effectivity of blast shield, hence
	experimentation was paused. Specimen was placed into a lamp
	socket and energized with 120 volts AC at 60 Hz (sinusoidal),
	and ceased producing light after 0.5 seconds. Subject was then
	re-exposed to 2.45Ghz e-m radiation and continued to produce
	violet visible-light emissions.

	Due to logistical intricacies, the effects of 2.45Ghz e-m excitation
	on a 48" long fluorescent tube could not be investigated inside
	the approximately 1 cubic-foot test chamber. The committee offers
	its apologies to the reader.

	Conclusion: It was bitchin', man !

||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

                            I'M REALLY SQUIRTING NOW!
	
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	I'll explain that headline next issue.  But this new production
	system is peachy and also keen.  Computers: great slaves, lousy
	masters.

	Here's a few more of those unattributed quotes to round it out.

	It's a double pleasure to deceive the deceiver.

	If a wise man contends with a foolish man, whether he rage or
	laugh, there is no rest.

	The ideal is but the truth at a distance.

	Every tub on its own bottom, but everybody takes a turn in the
	barrel.

	Yr. bdy,

	Tom Parmenter

                                       xxx

%%% overflow headers %%%
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%%% end overflow headers %%%





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