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	    _____HOW TO SCARE PEOPLE ON THE SUBWAY!_____

		-A great new hobby for the deranged!

			by
		the almighty -=PASTY PUPPY=-
		     (a.k.a. Slade)

	Stop and ponder this for a moment, if you will. Have you
ever been sitting on the subway, going into Harvard Sq., or
perhaps going home? Of course you have (unless you live in some
remote suburb)!  Well, that's all good and fine.  And when you
were on the subway, wasn't your attention drawn to a manic,
usually filthy person, acting in an odd manner? Probably. Well,
if you like to bother people, then this phile is for you! Here
are several compiled methods of frightening/annoying innocent
people on the subway. All of these methods were tested in the
field, save for #6, because of the potential of getting arrested
for such actions. Here are several methods:

	1.)  OK, here's the situation: Wow, you're just going home
from seeing "Lensman" with a bunch of your friends at Harvard Sq.
You've been out and about since 3, it's now 8. You're tired, you
want to sit down, and stretch out a little, but there's only one
seat. Here's what you do:  Sit down. Start rocking back and forth,
slowly. Wrap your arms around yourself, close your eyes, and start
mumbling "Mmmmmm! Mmmmm, mmmm!" as if you're eating something really
good. This won't always clear the seat next to you, but it's fun to 
feel the person next to you squirming.

	2.)  If the person next to you is annoying in some way (let's
say he's a "wigger", shall we?), a good thing to do would be to grab
him, pull him really close to you, and say in a really slurred,
stuttered voice, "Eh-eh-ehx-kYoooze ma-ma-mee, b-b-buthh, d-do y-y-you
kn-n-nOHW wh-what t-t-TIME it issSSSS..?" Be sure to spit in his face
as you say this. Also, always be sure you're doing this to someone not
too much larger than you, it wouldn't be nice to get pummeled on the
subway. Also, when doing this, having bad breath/teeth is a plus.

	3.)  How to generally freak a good amount of riders out: Sit
down. Get this really angry expression on your face, I mean, 
FEROCIOUS expression. Start looking around at the people.
This alone works well. Then, make quick jerking motions from your 
crotch, simultaneously emitting loud grunts.

	4.)  OK, let's say this guy is staring at you, because of
your weird behavior, right? Look at him with this really pissed off
expression, and start growling really loudly. If there's a support
pole nearby, slide your hand up and down it slowly.

	5.) Just stare at someone. Really HARD, probing stare. It's
a classic. If not that, stare at the reflection of their eyes in the
window. If they notice you staring at them, it freaks 'em out, too.
Note: I've gotten the occasional SMILE from this one!

	6.)  The last resort: I haven't tried this, it's really
dangerous. This would be the best, quickest way to impress me, I'll
say that much. Here's the theory: Start marching up and down the
aisle of the train, kicking your feet in front of you like an idiot.
At the same time, scream "DING-DONG! DING-DONG!" in the loudest voice
possible. Should be a train-clearer.

	7.) Suggestion. Have a friend bring a camcorder hidden in a 
duffle bag, and tape people's reactions. Then send 'em into funniest
home videos, and see if you can get on the show and make Bob Faggot 
look like an ass!

	8.) Most of all, have fun! Not all people will dig this,
I consider it a most majestic sport. If you can scare people on
the subway just by your appearance, hey! It's even better!

		===fIN===

