
               ________________________________________________
              |                                                |
              |       --| The Art of Slurpee Running |--       |
              |                                                |
              |  A step-by-step guide to this infamous art of  |
              | attaining and downing the ever-popular Slurpee |
              |                                                |
              |         _| Witnessed by: Ambush Bug |_         |
              |          | Performed by: D.O.A. Inc |          |
              |________________________________________________|

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         Chapter I: An Introduction Into the Art of Slurpee Running
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    The Slurpee Run -- one of the world's greatest adventures, this American 
pastime is an activity well worth further investigation.  First off, I'd like
to state, however, that this corporation does NOT condone counterfiet Runs,
ONLY Runs for a GENUINE Slurpee, no cheap imitations like Frozen Cokes found
in K-Mart...(tells a little of their quality there, eh?)...ONLY genuine Runs
are acceptable, none other will be tolerated.  As all know, the practice of
conducting a Slurpee Run is a pilgrammage which many an American undertakes
almost daily.  This documentary is directed towards the education of modern
Americans towards that purpose -- to better ones Slurping Skills, and to
prevent faulty running for the same...

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          Chapter II: Arriving at the Selected Slurpee Sanctuary
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    The first step in correctly performing a Slurpee Run is the most critical
one.  It is imperative that this step be perfectly executed, down to the most
minute detail.  This step is, quite simply, arriving at the desired Slurpee
Haven.  Upon discovering ones craving for a Slurpee, you must find the most
efficient and economical means of getting there, so that the money you save
on Running can be used to purchase yet more of this brilliant bi-composed
beverage.

    To plot the most economical means of transporting oneself to the desired
Slurpee Outpost, mapping out your city is highly recommended.  Using a compass
and a straightedge T-square, this can be easily accomplished.  As everyone 
knows, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Therefore,
just sketch this line from your originating point, (usually your home), to the
desired destination.  Then plot your RunRoute by using the roads which follow
this line most closely, as this will give you the shortest possible path to 
the desired Slurpee Shop.  Although this may be the shortest route to the
preferred Slurpee Outpost, it may not be the quickest nor the most efficient
route, however, due to some traffic congestion or construction work.  So...

    To avoid this problem, and to make your Run a tad more exciting, reroute
your RunRoute through less travelled and more densely populated areas, like
subdivisions, parking lots, and backyards.  Many of the best RunRoutes have 
proven to exist through these areas.  The latter example is probably the most
advantageous RunSite, as there are so many possible time bonuses in the form
of big wheels, trees, gardens, small dogs, and, of course, little kiddies.  A
successful collision with any of these objects results in a time bonus which
may be subtracted from your overall RunTime.  An extensive UPS chart can be
found near the end of the "Advanced Slurpist's Handbook" which displays the
Universal Point System...or the values for various objects and personnel.  In
many cases, the speed of the collision, the time at which the collision took
place, and the full damage done upon impact are taken into account when one is
determining the bonus awarded, so don't forget to take notes on these crucial
qualities.  So, more densely populated areas such as schoolyards, playgrounds,
and apartment complexes should be taken into consideration when plotting out
your RunRoute, as bonus points can significantly improve your RunTime.  These
points can be legally obtained, as, when one is making a Slurpee Run, all laws
and rules are altered a bit -- anything and everything which might in any way
assist your Run is made legal, and nothing is illegal.  So, obviously, while
one is on a Run, speed limits are, on the whole, ignored, and therefore should
not be taken into consideration when plotting out your RunRoute.

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                    Chapter III: Proper Entry Procedure
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    The next step is arriving at and entering into the Holy Land.  It has
been determined through trial-and-error that stopping the car before entering
the store is most beneficial.  Throw the car into <P>ark, and this should put
the automobile into a "Go-no-more" mode, significantly lowering your current
velocity.  You need not worry about parking your vehicle legally.  While on a
Run, parallell parking on the sidewalk, curb, or bicycle rack is not only
acceptable, but expected.  Remember, however, that parking on stray animals
or little children is worthy of bonus points, and should be taken into account
when looking for a space.

    Entering the Slurpee-Worshippers Temple is a religious experience.  It
is a moral imperative to throw open the door upon entering.  Plainly pushing
open the door and walking inside is a religous insurrection which will NOT be
tolerated by any sane Slurpist. It is NOW when you must decide what flavor you
most desire.  Are you going to take the conservative Cola choice, or try the
more exotic flavor in the opposite dispenser?  This decision must be made 
while you are in motion, lest precious time be wasted deciding later.  By the
time you reach the counter, you MUST know what you want, and you must have the
EXACT change onhand.  Too much time can be wasted waiting for the cashier to
hand you your change, so you must avoid that situation by handing the cashier
the exact amount needed.

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      Chapter IV: Ordering and Serving the Slurpee -- Also, SelfServe!
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    In the rush of performing an actual Slurpee Run, one's "order" may become
slightly jumbled, or entirely unintelligible for that matter.  This is not a
problem, however, as the employees of 7-11 have been trained through previous
orders to decipher such widely-used phrases as, "SlurpRun...CokeLargeNOW!",
or, as in the case of more serious Slurpists, something a bit more confusing
to the extent of, "<Grunt!> Nnnngh!", accompanied by frantic motions towards
the Sacred Slurpee machine and the stack of large cups.  

    However, many newer 7-11s have installed some Self-Serve Slurpee Stands,
which significantly deplete the amount of time which you must spend inside the
Haven while attaining your Slurpee, as you can then serve yourself at your own
pace, and don't have to worry about confused cashiers.  Another advantage of
this service is the wait in line.  You don't have to go to the back of the 
line at all, but rather just toss the owed money to the cashier and leave,
while the other, more "normal" customers, must wait to be serviced.

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            Chapter V: Exiting and Departing the Haven Correctly
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    As soon as you are served, exit as you entered.  Speed is the MOST desired
goal in this operation.  The car door should already be open, the car should
be in motion, and the driver should now be making his getaway from the Slurpee
Synagogue.  Many more experienced Slurpists, such as Acid Reign, Sid, and Riff
Raff, prefer riding ATOP the vehicle, as they repeatedly insist that it is,
indeed, the quickest way of "getting roadbound".  However, if the next 
suggested step is performed it is strongly recommended that the Slurpist rides
inside the vehicle...but, hey, it's up to you -- experiment!

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       Chapter VI: Tips and Suggestions For a Quick and Clean GetAway
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     Getting back onto the main road can prove to be difficult, and therefore
may result in a MAJOR loss of time while one is forced to wait for the flow
of traffic to slacken up.  Therefore, the practice of "Forced Merging" now
becomes extremely useful.  When this is done, the Slurpist should be driving
a very large, very nearly indestructable vehicle, such as a 1949 Cadillac 
hearse, (like the one owned by Bacardi and Acid Reign, for example) so that no
permanent damage to your vehicle may be attained while performing this action.
Lean on your horn, flip on your headlights, drop the accelerator, and you're
off.  Hopefully, the other cars will recognize that you are on a Slurpee Run,
and will then allow you to merge into the flow of traffic.  If not, then you
simply "Force-Merge" your way onto the road.  Sideswiping other vehicles 
causes minimal amounts of damage, and therefore is recommended as the best
way to merge in.  Direct contact may also be made, as long as the least amount
of time is lost, and, of course, the Slurpees remain intact.  

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                         Chapter VII: The AfterMath
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    Once you have fully completed your Run, you may relax and turn off your
stopwatch.  What was your RunTime?  Try to better it next Run.  The most
advantageous quality of this "sport," however, is not the inner feeling of
accomplishment, but rather the aftermath...actually downing the Slurpee.  This
in itself is an art form, and carries with it many possible dangers.  Probably
the accident most often made is "ee" overpopulation.  This occurs when the 
Slurpist becomes "Slurped Out", and all the "Slurp" has been downed, leaving
just the "ee".  This "ee" is colorless, odorless, flavorless, and is, in 
itself, quite a dangerous plaything, due to its frigid nature.  You must
exercise extreme caution when you down this part of the drink, lest you become
afflicted with one of the many fatal Slurpee Sicknesses.  A very comprehensive
listing of these afflictions can be found inside the infamous "Slurpist's
Medical Journal," which gives cures, preventive measures, and descriptions
of over 50 illnesses caused by incorrect Slurping.  Or, for online cures,
just contact Slurpee Central at 1-800-SLURPEE where professional Slurpists are
standing by to assist you.  But remember, many of these afflictions are simply
a result of "ee" overpopulation, so avoid this situation AT ALL COSTS.

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                         Chapter IX: In Conclusion...
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     Remember, the habitual need to make a Slurpee Run is an essential part
of human life.  Many times, it ARRIVES to take possession of your soul at
such Godforsaken hours as 5:00 AM, forcing you to hang up off of your favorite
AE and make a Run...yet, be cautioned, many afflictions can become apparent
upon attempting to incorrectly down a Slurpee -- be careful...many modern
diseases do not yet have a cure, such as Slurpees, or freezing up of the 
testes region on the ride home due to the fact that you've noplace else to
keep your Slurpee from spilling 'cept between your legs.  Watch out...but
don't forget to have fun and experiment with the various "traditional" modes
of Slurpee Retrieval in order to discover your own...

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 - Slurpee Running - is a TradeMark of DeadMan Operations and Activities, Inc.

        (K)opyWrong, 1985 -- D.O.A.                   All Rights Phucked
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              [+] This Phile was Compiled by the Phollowing [+]

          Ambush Bug     Riff Raff      Acid Reign      Sid Vicious
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<:>             ...May You Never be Left With Just the "ee"...             <:>
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