 
=================================================================
=                  1001 ways to Torture a Cat                   =
=                  --------------------------                   =
=                       Written By Ares                         =
=================================================================

11/28/88 --->

  Many  a  time have I wanted to beat the shit out of that  furry
little  bastard  that always seems to piss  me  off.   Either  by
taking a nice warm shit on my brand new carpet, or decided to use
me as a clawing device.

In  this small file,  i'd like to suggest ways to hurt or piss of
the little shithead that you can't get rid of, usually cuz you're
mom thinks it's the nicest fucker alive.

1  --  Kick it Around,  you know,  when the fucker get's in  your
way,  whether it be when you're taking a shit and it comes in and
watches,  or when you're sleeping and it sits on your face.  Just
put  a little force into it and BLAM!   The fucker  goes  flying.
It's  especially  nice to watch a cat go flying on a wood  floor,
with  all  four spread,  doing 360's and crying  like  a  Mexican
without  his  burrito.   Kicking him from under (like  under  the
stomach)  let's loose a flying cat,  spinning and twirling in the
air.

2  --  Tail tricks....This is the fun part...Seeing the cat can't
really get to it's tail,  you can do shit with it and the cat  it
defenseless.   Try  tying  the cat's tail to his front  paw,  cuz
everyone time it walks,  it's tail get's pulled,  looks like some
diseased person trying to walk.   Or even better, get a nice grab
of the tail,  and start spinning the cat around using it, the cat
will  have to take the pain,  cuz by force of  nature,  it  can't
reach it's paws around to scratch you since it's spinning so fast
it's paws are spread-eagle like.  If you have glue, and the cat's
tail  is long enough,  or maybe just a tad shorter,  you can glue
it's tail to it's nose,  which is cool.   The cat moves his  head
and  his ass comes up with it (how'z that for a chain  reaction?)
Like  it'll be walking around town with it's ass all dangling up,
all  the other furry fucks will ram it up,  which in  turn,  will
make  the  cat freak when it tries to sit down  (get  it?).   But
that's kinda mean.

3 -- Wiskers (heh,  heh, heh)....Ok, you know who you are people,
you  kind that clips cat's wiskers and laughs like  hell.   Cat's
use wiskers to navigate in the dark, like when they're entering a
tight spot,  their wiskers will tell them if they're about to run
into  something  (kind of like those cadillacs with  those  metal
tubes sticking out the side).   So what do you do?   You cut  the
fuckers wiskers,  down to you start getting fur.   Then you gotta
through  the  cat in a closet,  and open the door,  oh,  about  4
inches.   The  cat will naturally be fucked and stunned  that  us
humans  would do such a thing (it probably is equlivant of a  cat
cutting off your dick) and he'll start bumping around,  wondering
what  the  fuck....So you just sit there and laugh your ass  off.
The  cat might eventually make it's way out of  the  closet,  but
maybe  you  could,  hmmm...Find something else to do to it  after
that? (grin>

4  --  Pillow Case....Well, this is kind of funny...All you do is
throw the little fuck in a pillow case,  and go into an open room
(you don't want to beat it to death, well, not yet adleast).  And
start swinging the fucker around in circles, again and again, the
cat will probably crying for it's life (but don't give in to it's
whining, cuz when it get's out, it wants blood)  keep swinging it
around and around,  faster and faster, stop when you're too dizzy
to figure out where the cat is, then quickly open the pillow case
and let the bastard fall out (it WILL fall, believe me).  You got
to  make  sure  you can see it (cuz you're  gonna  me  almost  as
dizzy).   The  fucker will be sitting there,  moving it's head in
circles,  still thinking it spinning.  This is the good part, cuz
as  far  as  the  cat knows,  it's  totally  high  on  Catnip  or
something.  You can do anything, it's up to you.

4  -- Water  ...We all know that cats hate water more than  dogs,
and  would rather travel in a car then deal with it.   But  cat's
are funny as hell in water.   Try filling up a tub, or a sink, or
something with water in it that the cat will fit in.   Throw  the
fucker  in  for a minute or two (unless it's definitely going  to
drown,  we'll  talk  about  killing  them  later)  and  watch  it
squeal..They  act  like water is acid or something and  yet  they
still drink water out of the toilet when none is available (these
fuckers gotta get their facts straight).   After the cat has  had
enough torture,  grab it by the ear,  or tail, or get a good grab
around  it's  head and throw it out (throw it outside you  fool).
When  a  cat get's wet (especially a long-haired cat)  they  look
like giant ferrets,  really nasty like (which might persuade  you
to do something else,  like nail it to a 2 by 4 and shoot it full
of b-b's) but don't hurt it too bad..

5  -- Misc.  shit....Stick the cat in the Microwave (no,  really)
and  don't  turn  it on (yet) just let it  sit  there,  and  look
through  the little see-through window...It should be  scared  as
hell,  since  it's  in a really tight spot,  can't move  much  at
all...If you really want to screw the fucker, nuke it!  Just nuke
it  for  20 seconds at a time...The cat will start  squirming  at
about   10   seconds   (depending   on   the   wattage   of   the
Microwave)...After about 30 seconds, the cat will definitely have
radiation poisioning,  which will probably kill it within a month
or less.   If you nuke it for a minute,  you'll probably kill it,
depending on the size of the cat, the microwave cooks inside out,
so  after  a minute,  it's intestines and lungs will be a  little
toasty,  maybe  killing it,  if not,  probably sterilizing it  or
leaving  it a slow and terrible death.   Of course,  you  can  go
"All-Out" if you REALLY express rage for it,  and can nuke it for
5  minutes...This  is NOT for the Squeamish....I DO know  someone
who  did this,  and saw it....It was pretty  fucking  gross,  and
being  the  cat hater I am,  I still felt sorry for  it.   In  30
seconds,  it starts kicking and screaming and freaking out (which
brings  me  to the point,  you gotta make sure the door can't  be
opened,  and  you  gotta make sure you don't want  the  microwave
anymore).   In  1  minute,  it was started to spaz  like  nothing
you've  ever seen before,  some blood was coming from it's  mouth
due  to internal cuts the Nuking did,  all types of seisures  and
some  last moans were following at 2 minutes.   At about 2 and  a
half minutes,  the cat was still alive, it's pupils were dialated
and  it  was twitching like someone stuck a Electrolysis  gun  up
it's ass...At 3 minutes,  it's almost dead...The smell of the cat
would  make any mortician throw up,  that's why I  would  suggest
alot of open windows and doors and some type of gas mask on.  The
last  two minutes it the cool part...Now that the fucker is  dead
(for  good reason too) it's time to watch the fireworks...I think
at  around  4 minutes,  the cat started  popping,  it's  eyeballs
literally  popped out of it's sockets,  and the blood started  to
ooze,  not a pretty sight..At about,  4 mins 15 seconds, it's fur
starts  to curl (although it was already crispy) and at  about  5
minutes,  the  whole microwave is one big slaughterhouse.   Which
brings me to clean up...DON'T!  I said earlier, Nuke the cat in a
microwave you no longer want to use (not to mention the microwave
is  probably broken anyway).   Just throw the microwave away  and
chuckle off a couple laughs...Even take poloraids if you want.

You're probably saying, how the fuck is he going to write another
996 ways to torture a cat?  Well, the answer is, he ain't.

Another Morbid file Written by Ares -- 11/28/88


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/89
 

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