

[ National Enlightener! Volume: III!! ]
            [ Part 2 of 3 ]


Welcome back faithfull readers! Without
further ado, here is ELITE RAGS part 2!

---------------------------------------

[First up, here's The Chief Surgeon of
Black Bag ragging on Apple Bandit, of
MPG, or was of MPG at one time.]


Msg# > 17: Apple Bandit & Mnpls Super Pirates.
From > THE CHIEF SURGEON
Date > TUE 1/28/86 at 05:42:40 am
=======================================

That is correct. Dan Patch was a member of the Mnpls Super Pirates which
Apple Bandit was turned down for. MPG was founded to can the Super Pirates
as you said. But what wasn't said is that Apple Bandit used to sector edit
his name into Super Pirates cracks. Now I am >not< saying that Apple Bandit
never rose out of the slime and was like this in his later days, before the
the money grubbing urge hit him. All I'm saying is that >everyone< has a few
skeletons in their closet. Even me.

tCS/Black Bag


[This was posted on the now defunct
Adventurers Tavern, it was his answer
to someone's question about the older
groups that predated MPG in the 612
area.]

---------------------------------------

The Adventurer's Tavern deserves its 
own explanation, as almost all the 
messages in this section are from it.

The Tavern was one of the California
Super Boards. It was the last of them
in fact. The CA Superboards are 5 or 6
bbs systems that sound like bullshit
when talked about. With things like:

  o 150 Megs online
  o 8 Dialups
  o Multi User Chat
  o Pirates/Phreaks who haven't been
    heard from for years in their 
    userlist.
  o All kinds of strange and magical
    things you do not expect.

Well they are or were, all true. The
Tavern wasn't the largest or even the
oldest, it was just the last. With the
exception of Digital Dimension, which
is not worth mentioning anymore since
it isn't really DD anymore, rather some
kid brought the board, phone #, software
and files, from the original owner. The
Other superboards included Diamond Jim's
the Curio Emphorium, FlIpPeRz ElItE 
(Which was an incredible joke. 150 megs
with 8 lines and it's own multi user 
chat PREDATING diversi dial, all set up
for the exclusive reason of making fun
of where the pirate world was headed &
other than the Tavern, the last bastion
of intelligence in the now loser
infested pirate world) and the Pig Sty.

These were places where you'd find many
old pirates who were supposedly "out of
the modem world". The Tavern was one of
these places. The following rags were
done by chiefly the Wombat, The Gonif
(Catsend authors as well as crackers),
Dr. Micro, The Bishop, Diamond Jim, 
Elven Wizard and the Tracer. This Tracer
was from CA, not the one in 201 who is
just another new warez kid.

The Tavern went down because the sysop
decided the golden age of computers was
over, with rodents and losers now ruling
the remains. So he took his 46 meg, 5 
computers, 5 lines, and took himself
elsewhere.

Here are some of the rags. Total we have
45 disk sides full of tavern rags, msgs
and more. When we get time to collect
them into some semblance of order we 
might release them. Then again we might
not.

The Msgs range from the "Roust Rooms"
begining in 1983 moving into its last
days of 1986 when the Tavern died.

---------------------------------------

Msg# > 89: Idiots
From > DR. MICRO
Date > MON 1/27/86 at 03:36:40 pm
=======================================


The apple is not state of the art!

neither is IBM or the Amiga or St. 2 machines made by toy store companies
with toy store mentalities. Commodore isn't even expected to survive the
year!

I have a apple for 1 reason only. telecommunications.

my latest ware is karateka. You want to know what?

I don't care.

I sometimes sit and wonder about the clueless moron's who actually brought
//c's.

You know what my opinion is of all of you, so I won't bother to repost it.


Ted

["clueless morons" seems to be a catchy
phrase in CA.]

---------------------------------------

[Another "End" msg.]


Msg# > 27: END OF A ERA.
From > MASTER OF REALITY
Date > WED 1/29/86 at 04:46:20 am
=======================================


ALMOST ALL THE AE LINES IN THE COUNTRY HAVE DIED IN FAVOR OF CAT-FUR OR A BBS.
THUS PASSES THE 'AE' ERA, A CRAZED TIME WHEN EVERYONE AND THEIR DOG RAN AN AE. 
MOST WITH 2 DRIVES, OPEN 3:34 TO 6:12 PM ONLY ON MON, THURS, AND SUNDAY NITE, 
CUZ DAD USES THE COMP. MOST AE #'S RING FOREVER NOW..

THE NEW TREND COMING IN IS THE

10 MEG SIDER CAT-FUR/BBS/PROVING GROUNDS LINE.

SO PASSES AN AGE IN MODEMING. (?)

ONTO THE 2ND AGE. THE DEATH OF THE INTELLIGENT AND THE COMING OF MILLIONS OF
RODENTS BEARING SIDERS.         -MS-
 

GREAT MOMENTS IN PHREAK HISTORY:

ET, NOT BEING ABLE TO AFFORD THE HIGH COST OF PHONING HOME. BUILDS A BLUE BOX
OUT OF COMMON HOUSEHOLD PARTS.

(BAD JOKE)

---------------------------------------

[The Gonif's posts on cracking.]


Msg# > 49: I saw the raddest form of 4x4!!1
From > THE GONIF
Date > SUN 12/15/85 at 01:06:21 am
=======================================

It was huge!! Gleaming black, with
tinted windows! An awesome spectacle,
lemme tell 'u'!!


Well on Autoduel, what I did was '2'
find the RWTS <-- #1 thing.
Their RWTS was totally mangled around.
It covered the same space as normal
RWTS ($B800-$BFFF) but all the routines
were rearranged. For Example, the
buffers were at $B800 instead of $BB00,
while their equivilent of $BD00 was
moved to $BA00.

ANYWAY, I modified their RWTS so 
instead of working off of variable
address & data markers, it would use
constants. Then I saved it. (For some
reason I had to save page $B7 too..)

Then I wrote a small routine that would
move their RWTS to $B700-$BFFF and read
a track, then move an image of normal
RWTS to $B700-$BFFF and write the track
then repeat until it was all done.

Know wut? It w0rked!1!!

'K'-freaky, too.


(Or as the Fuzul would say: K-Ass!)

---------------------------------------

[The Wombat's response.]


Msg# > 50: It was a tough crack!
From > THE WOMBAT
Date > SUN 12/15/85 at 09:28:16 pm
=======================================


  How to crack at The Gonif's house.

 Step 1.  Disconnect phone
    This is a very imporatant step, if one fails to do this relatively easy mod
, then one may as well put the ware on the shelf and wait for Digital Gang to 
put it out. The Gonif is known to be quite talkative.

 Step 2.  Do not let the Gonif analyize the RWTS in question
    If the gonif is in fact allowed to do this, go out for donouts, and come 
back in about 2 hours or so, when he has decided that maybe it's best just to 
go ahead and try to Demuffin it.

 Step 3.  Keep out unwated visitors
    Sometimes local celebraties such as The Anarchist and The Gunslinger (yes, 
THE Gunslinger) have the urge to drop in unexpectedly. As stated in Step 1, the
Gonif is known to be quite talkative.

  Three simple steps, which when followed, will allow for a good crack to be
completed at the Gonif's house, in a reasonable amount of time. Reasonable 
meaning enough time to release the ware before: Club X, Coast to Coast, First 
Class, Digital Gang, Ware Lords, Ware Brigade, Extension 110, and any other 
group(s) you can think of

  By the way, any reference to any recent crack (i.e. Autoduel) is purely 
coincidental...

             The Wombat


[These msg's were in response to new
warez groups of pirates who fill up 100
line messages with things like:

Then I dropped my straw from the coke I
was drinking. After picking it up I 
started work on my recrack of advanced
paper clip collecting part 12.

(ala Gadget Master)

When asked to post on their techniques
that was their reply.

The final rag from the Wombat refers
to 7 groups coming out with the Auto
Duel crack within hours of each other.
And all of them releasing it after 
Gonif's crack.]

---------------------------------------

[This was the Gonif's reply to a series
of posts ragging on him & the Wombat.]


Msg# > 63: Oh me garshk we are L00SERZZZ
From > The Gonif [Cirkle Kay!!1!@]
Date > SUN 1/26/86 at 03:50:30 pm
=======================================

Oh Nooo000ooOO000ooo1!!1!!1!!!11!!!!



Gawd FORBID we are luzes now 'R' we?/?



We are such losers that we post rags on people and sign our own names! we
are such losers that we arent afraid of making a scene and provoking thought.
We are such losers that we don't fit in with all the k-kool gnU warezz kidz
because we don't concern our lives with getting not |one|, not |some|, but
getting them |ALL!!1| We are such luzes because we don't kawl 10,000 boards
across the nation to post warezz posts so people will think we are k-kool. We
are such loses because we don't spend out lives logging into every board in 
the universe. We are such losers and rodents who have done so much  for your 
stupid enjoyment for nothing. You think we wrote catsend overnight? And what
the fuck did you do? you spent 7 months ragging on us anonymously because it
had a few bugs left. When Keary did the same thing with Catfur, you cried 
about all the problems. Then called him a stuck up egotist when he told you 
all to fuck off. What have YOU ever accomplished new wherez kid? Yes,
you, who is so much a pussy that you cant even sign your name cuz we might RAG
ON YOU ON THE TAVERN!! (OH NO!!!!! A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH ITSELF!!), must be
right, we must be loozers. You couldnt even attempt to understand our form of
humor, and we dont want to understand your primitive form. We are luzers
because we aren't straight-laced enuf. We are lo0serz because we disagree with
the motives and ethics of the many. We are losers because we have 20/20 vision
in the domain of the blind. This isn't real life, you unplug your modem and
it's gone, this is supposed to be enjoyment, not some kind of stupid k-k000l
bunch of assholes that most of you are.


       The Gonif

   ~ Highest Order ~

      Circle 'K'!


And damn proud of it. We few on the roustroom have risen above you. Naturally,
your resentment is pending.


---------------------------------------

[Here is someone's rag on the Gonif in
reply to his msg.]



Msg# > 64: WE ARE SO KAY IT'S AMAZING!@#
From > THE G00NIF!#!#212121
Date > SUN 1/26/86 at 05:09:09 pm
=======================================


 Are we not 'K'?

  We are 'K', not losers. We like to post messages like:


I SAW A 4X4 RWTS. IT WAS BIG AND BLACK WITH
BIG TIRES!11! IS THAT LIKE 4X4
ENCODING??1!@?!?!?1@1/1?1!P1@@!@!1!@!

  At least we have style.  Not like you r0dents who never replace 0's with
O's and do like this !!1!!11!!@!!!@!!@!@!@!"!@!L!#"@!@""@!$"@ B@"&@#$&@"#!%@"@!
You should be as elite as us! We're totally elite, that is what my mommie says
when I have eRiC (sect0r vect0r) over for some chicken soup and a good game of
draidel spinning.

  ErIc is elite also.  He has a k00l d00d Apple //c! The perfect r0dent gift.
I am not a loser that runs into parked cars on a moped - GIVE ME A BREAK! THERE
WAS A PENNY UNDER THE CAR!!1! I HAD TO GET IT!!1!! I JUST FORGOT I WAS ON A
MOPED!11! *% DAMN SHIFT KEY. NOW IM STUCK IN G0NIF R0DENT M0DE. WITH HIS ELITE
40 COLUMN UPPERCASE M0DZ!@#1!!@


ANY0NE WANT 2 BY G0NIF C0MP00TER?
---------------------------------

APEL I[ WITH R0M
GONAD CRACK R0M
PPG CRACK KIT SOFTWEAR
I LUV THE TAVERN TEEE-SHIRT (MADE BI MY BAD CRACK OF PRINT-SHOP (tm))
TWO DISK DRIVES AND A B0X OF DISKS THAT I G0T AT MY BAR MITZVAH

THATZ ALL I HAVE 2 SAY!11!!11!11!!11!!

          YOUR BEANY-BOY PAL..


         THERE GOES...

                   THAT GONIF!
                 ~ HIGHEST ORDER ~
                   CIRCLE 'K'!11!
                   ELITE R0DENT TRAINING CENTER

[This reffered to The Gonif who started
to post all of his msg's in uppercase &
40 columns when told that he was a 
rodent for doing so.]

---------------------------------------

[This is a rag petitioning the Sysop
to kick off the Gonif and friends. This
is a example of most Tavern users who
were confused about their standing. 
When they, who deemed themselves elite
pirates were given $1,000 bounty (low-
est access on the Tavern), and the 
people ragging on them were given $50k
bounty (Full access).]

Msg# > 70: robin shithead!!!!!!
From > THE GONIF'S FANNY
Date > SUN 1/26/86 at 07:53:26 pm
=======================================

Look SHITHEAD MORON the 538-3103 is still going to be free and there will
still be assholes poluting the tavern after jan. 31st that NEED TO BE
KICKED THE FUCK OFF THE TAVERN!!!

the gonif & wombat are major luzers all their posts are totally gay.

like here is a typical gonif post


HAY DEWDS, I GOT THEM ALH!!!11111!!2@!@#121#@#@


KAWL THE TAVERN FOR THE L8EST WHREZ!!


THE GONIF!/CIRCLE JERKOFF

 

SECT0R VECTOR IS THE EXACT CLONE OF THE GONIF EXCEPT HE POSTS WITH
000000 AND IN LOWER CASE..

BOTH ARE HOPELESS FAGS AND THE TAVERN WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT THEIR
SHIT ON THE SYSTEM.  HALF THERE FUCKING MESSAGES GET DELETED BY THE
SYSOP AFTER THEY POST!!

FACE IT WE NEED SOME R0DENT CLEANING ON HERE AND I THINK THAT LIST
THAT WAS POSTED BEFORE IS A GOOD STARTING POINT.  LET'S GET SOME
VOTES AND GET THESE *ASSHOLES* KICKED OFF HERE. 

A SERIOUS USER (EXCEPT ON THE ROUSTROOM)

VOTE TODAY- MAKE THE TAVERN SAFE FROM R0DENTS LIKE THOSE LISTED ABOVE.
RODENTS A-N-D R0DENTS BY CHOICE LIKE THE CIRCLE JERK-OFF FAGS (GOONIF,
WANGBAT & SECTOR VECT0R)

---------------------------------------

[Sector Vector's reply.]

Msg# > 71: I'm laughing..
From > Eric
Date > SUN 1/26/86 at 08:23:29 pm
=======================================


Notice that the people who rag on us are also the ones who's posts
are full of spelling erros, bad grammar, and illegible!  It just shows that
the people that hate us do so because they are too STUPID to even understand
our humor and way of thinking. If I ever post something like:

G0T THEM AHLL1@!@!11@@!@!

or something else of that nature, it is OBVIOUSLY a joke.. it's just an
example of how ridiculous pirating and phreaking has become. Is someone a
rodent because they can laugh at this and not turn it into their whole 
lives?

But of course, THEY can't comprehend THAT.. it's too DEEP for them!  They sit
there with their new warez, elite groups, and double digit IQ's and think "Jeez
look how stupid they are.. what r0dents! L0zerz!".  Well it's a common reaction
to mentally undeveloped minds.  The more intelligent ones on this board like
Elvin Wizard, etc.. (Come on.. you've admitted it.. you always praise their
posts).. seem to like us. Why? Because they UNDERSTAND...



And yes, I have a <<//C>> !!!  I've had one for about 2 years now, and during
that time I've learned enough to know what a 'loser' and a 'rodent' is.
Now if anyone has a logical explanation as to what is wrong with owning a
//c (for 2 years), I'll hear you out.  But I don't think you can come up with
any, because ragging on somebody who owns a //c is just another
mindless attempt by you losers to demean a person's character.

   ~ Highest Order ~
        -SV-
        Eric

(Oh noooooo!! You guys know my NAME!! What will I ever do?????)

---------------------------------------

[Here is a rag on Skip Rooney.]


Msg# > 72: oh no.....
From > me
Date > SUN 1/26/86 at 08:33:42 pm
=======================================

Is posting all the latest on the Trading board... the Best most rad^est thing
you can think of?

Yeah.. SKip... Im real sure you love to
esee 100000000 times

I have the following... and we re cracked this because it had a bad byte..
so we are making everyone get a new copy and not make a patch... are we not men
well at least we can say we post on
the boards.. and who the hell cares
what we post.. could it be that we love to see you work up a sweat.. 
Theres nothing good comming out anyways... why don't some of you elite studs
write something... or do anything..
NO WE CANT DO THAT.. WE ARE ELITE!

---------------------------------------

[Here is another attack on The Gonif &
Sector Vector this time.]


Msg# > 73: ~ Highest Order ~
From > LEADER OF THE PACK
Date > SUN 1/26/86 at 09:31:54 pm
=======================================

  Then answer this Eric and Jeff:

  You say that when you are fucking around it's just a joke. Well every god
damn post and mail you guys write are jokes. You sign other people's name, you
are totally moody, and much more. You guys are the jokes. If none of this shit
matters to you then why don't you go fuck off! I appreciate you guys releasing
good wares but why do you bother putting credits on them? You are the ones who
are always saying how bad everyone today is because of credits but then you go
off and put your credits on EVERY ware you crack, dist., etc.? And give me an
answer because the typical low-life lozer answer:

    "I don't care about that"
    "It's all just a joke"

Next: Jeff (and Eric) are always referring to losers as one's with //c's when
Eric has a //c. It doesn't matter how fuckin' long you've had the //c. Accordin
g to Jeff's post if you have a //c you're a loser. Does that make Eric a lose?
I think so. Or is everything you guys say totally hypocritical?

A typical day with Eric and Jeff

After shool is out both hop on to Jeff's USED moped and ride on home to his
house. Oh goody, we get to call up the Tavern and have some fun says Jeff.

<Eric> Oh wow!

They call it up and post their usual bullshit pretending to be stoned and all.

<Jeff> Then I'll tell everyone how I don't give a damn.

Both are probably around the age of 19. They play no sports. Get decent grades.
Never ever dated (a female) not to mention embraced one (besides relatives).

Both are going to nothing with their lives but work at a typical 7-11 and play
with computers for the rest of their lives reminding everyone about the old
days, what losers are, and then post like a bunch of geeks!

I put it to you Jeff Sperman' Bermin and Eric. Are you really lozers?

                                               LEADER OF THE PACK
                       
[Posting with other people's names
was in reference to Gonif, Wombat &
Sector Vector always signing as some
representative of rodent piracy like
Gadget Master in their posts.]

---------------------------------------

[Here is the Wombat ragging on new 
warez kidz & the Gonif thrown in for
fun. Unlike everyone else, they were
able to laugh at themselves as well.]


Msg# > 42: JR WHIZ KIDS FAVORITE BOOKS
From > JR WHIZ KID & The Slutan
Date > SAT 2/8/86 at 02:18:21 pm
=======================================

hy there!

This is The Sultan and JR WHIZ KID. Since we have no social life to speak of, 
we decided to compile this list of our favorite books just for you!

Gadget Master Krackfiles
[Digital Wang Press, 1986. Complete compendium of the total complete knowledge
 of all the everything that Gadget Master totally knows how to crack completely
 1 page.] (Editors Note: OPPS! JR FORGET TO USE SENSIBLE GRAMMER TEE HEE!!
 HERE GOES)

The Buke From the Dawn of Tyme
[MicroHard Press, 1986. Written by the Genetic (Hatsuki Kang) A story of the
 life of a computer rodent from the rodent's point of view. Engrossing
 melodrama, 356 Pages including glossary of rodent terminology. $19.95]

Who's Who in San Fransisco
[AIDS Publishing, written by Robin Hood. A complete list of whoever is a
 someone in san fransisco. Compiled by Robin Hood and 3-D during their many
 excursions thru the best bathhouses of san fransisco. 120 Pages, color. HARD
 back only.]

The Beatles Diet - by: Strider the Ranger (Ware Bear)
[Learn how to gain weight while listening to Beatles tapes! 12 Pages]

Getting Rich By Finding Pennies -- by: The Gonif
[Shalom! The Gonif teaches his favorite Penny-pinching tips in this guide to
 riches. Jewboy Press, 1984. $.01 and a can of chicken soup. Extra bonus! 
 learn how to make a 40 column uppercase mod! (C) GoonifSoft!]

How to Make K-Rad Rags - by: The Sultan
[Learn to rag like the elites! The Sultan teaches you incorrect grammar, how to
 mispell words, how to incorrectly upload, and much much more! Rag with the 
 best! Be proud of your work as it is the first to be deleted when more space 
 is needed! 45 Pages, Soft-bound. $4.95]

How to type Hundreds of Files 99E99 Pages long - by Sherlock Apple & Lex Luthor
[Read these amazing tips of how to type large manuals into even larger files.
 Tips on how to avoid having a social life disturb your typing and more! 15,000
 pages volume I-MXII $1.00 each.]

How to be an asshole - by: The Gem, Robin Hood, Double 'D', and the Sultan
[Lessons from the best on how to be hated. Learn key phrases such as "Fuck you"
 "I'm rad, you're not", "I'm ELITE, don't rag on me!" and more! 1994 pages.]

How to Crack Awesomely - by: One Eye and the Atom
[Learn to crack COPYA wares and then put on your title page!! Just think, YOU
 can crack it and put "Call: XXX it r0x like an 0x" too! 1/2 page $3.95]

How to make big money by doing everything most people do for free - Disk Jockey
[Make $$$ thru piracy! Information too secret to be printed here. Send $940 to
 Pirate's Harbour for full review. $1,000 for trial book. Pirate's Harbour
 press 1980-86]

Blowing up Love Dolls made Easy - by: The Sultan
[The first book in the Sultan's trilogy of homosexual love making manuals]

GETTTING ALL THE LATEST - by: JR WHIZ KID
[GET THEM ALL, ALL OF THEM IN THIS BOOK! 1 PAGE! JUST PAY THE LATEST FOR THIS
 BOOK!!]

---------------------------------------

[Here is a new warez kids post about 
the Tavern going down.]


Msg# > 59: All good things must come to an end..
From > MR. MEMOREX
Date > FRI 2/7/86 at 07:13:07 pm
=======================================


 Why?



 Why is the tavern going down anyway?? Feds? Membership fees??


 gosh that really sucks.. the tavern is the BEST all around board that i've
seen. 

 well, it's just too bad..


 Memorex 

<- Coast to Coast ->

 * New Wave *

---------------------------------------

[Here is the Tracer's reply to him.]


Msg# > 62: if it's just a fed scare it'll blow over!!!! don't worre!!!!!@1!*%
From > THE TRACER
Date > SAT 2/8/86 at 02:07:51 am
=======================================


 
yeah *, tell me the truth d00d. ya don't habe 2 b embararussed abut it!
 
eye understand d00d, i hide in my closet every time the phone company 
trucks go up my street, and wake up screaming at night, thinking the feds
are gonna bust me for my latest BBBBBAD CRACKKKKKK. if ya think the heat
is on the tavern, then take it down 'til it blows over! 
 
<looking wildly in all directions....>
 
<wiping sweat & accumulated grime from sloping forhead>
 
mr. memorex (C)atfur (T)o (C)atfur
 
fucking assholes! don't rag on me you dumb faggot assed fucker dick!
 
---------------------------------------

[This is the Tracer & Gonif's answer to
all the "pirates" who quit and come 
back, every other week. Always with a
200 sector file explaining why they
quit & came back. Something to the tune
of: It's over, piracy sucks now.
  : I'm going to give it 1 more chance.
People who do this on a regular basis
include the Talisman, The Hitman, 
Sector Seventeen, and others.]


Msg# > 35: Generic Retirement Notice!!!@@!!!!!
From > Generic GnU WaReZ KiD!!@@@!!!!!!!!!
Date > TUE 1/14/86 at 09:53:26 pm
=======================================

(Violin music being played stridently in background..)
(Cut to sound of a large group of people crying, deep heartfelt sobs of total
 sorrow....Noses being blown, eyes watering, and a sense of gloom)

Hello Dudez... It's a sad day that has come to pass. Yes, I, Avacado Bandit,
from the famous Read-Write Softer Software Theft Guild, have decided to RETIRE!

("NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Thousands of voices scream in anguish)

Yes, now that I've been in piracy for 7 weeks, I just can't handle it anymore.
That bright Christmas day I got my brand gnu //c, well, that was just the best
day of my life. But Mom, she says I can't get left back in the 10th grade for
the fifth time, and that me being 25 and all, maybe I should even consider
moving out! (NEVER!) So I have to quit piracy, or go flip burgers for a living.

("NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!")

But I just wanted to say that I love the old days of which I was a part, I mean
things were different back then. (Or so I think, I wasn't actually around back
then, but I can wish right??) Now it has all CHANGED,BUT I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER
THIS!!! These were probably some of the best days of my entire Life! Why Jr.
Jizzum Kid, I remember that day when I tried to send you our 43rd recrack of
Backgammon, with the shitty connections and all? And how we spent 29 hours try-
ing to get it to work, and then you finaly crossed the street to my house and
we just fastcopied it! Huh, you remember those good old days? And what about 
when I thought my disk drive was broken, but I really had forgotten to take off
my write protect tab!! Hahahahahahaha, God, I long for those carefree and inno-
cent days, when real pirates like us were just starting out. (About 7 weeks ago
) Gosh, and what about that time in the middle of xferring Advanced Dust Cover
Care, when I told you the truth, about me being gay and you just said not to
let it worry me, because you were a fag too! And then we CRIED! Gosh, just to
experience those happy and innocent times again. It brings a tear of
rememberance to my eyes. (Sob! Sob! Cry)

Well that's about all I wanted to say. I don't want to get too emotional about
this, so I'll cut it off at the 153rd sector. But don't worry dudes. I'll still
be around from time to time (Like 23 hours of each day instead of 24.) Or I
might even decide not to retire after all. And come back into piracy with yet
another 150+ sector file saying I want to give it another chance. I mean I'm
only quitting because I want to get some attention focused on my otherwise
worthless stupid name, and because it's the 'in' thing to do. I mean if you're
not 'in,' what are you? I mean my entire life revolves around that, I mean that
is why I got my //c to begin with. It's the trendiest thing around!!!!!!!!

Well, K-bye dudez. ("Boooo Hoooo!!!!!, Baawwwwww!!!!")

Avacado Bandit signing off until my next long winded, uncalled for, and utterly
boring and stupid post, that will take place 1 hour and 20 minutes from now!

[Pretty funny. Pretty true too.]

---------------------------------------

[Here is the Gonif ragging on Gadget
Master.]


Msg# > 30: The Wonderful World of Warez I
From > ~ Highest Order ~
Date > THU 1/23/86 at 11:07:49 pm
=======================================


 
   Yes, watch for the G0T THEM AHL!!221!@@!@@!(TM) production of:

        The Wonderful World of Warez-- part 1 of the Trilogy!

  This film includes RARE footage of Gnu Warez Kidz home moviez and hidden
camera tapes!  See all your favorite pirating stars as you have never seen
them before!!  Hear Dr. Micro say "BBBAAAADDD CCCRRAACCKKK" when the Gonif's
first crack of printshop was done! And that's just the beginning!  Here's a
short clip from the film with one of our many surprise guests, Mr. ALLEN
FUNT!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Years after Candid Camera when down the shithole, the Highest Order approached
me one day and asked me to do a bit in their new film.  Of course I enthusias-
tically agreed."
"We took our hidden cameras to the home of the world famous Gadget Master. 
We wondered what would happen if we snuck into his room and put a new ware
on his desk. NOW.. this is no ordinary ware, but a COPYA ware that also has
a 3-boot time bomb installed. Heh heh let's watch.."

.................

"Hey MOM!!!! Did you get this NEW WARE for me??"
"Why yes, dear.. (she's in on the gag too) .. you've been eating your brussel
sprouts and making your bed. So we thought we would surprise you."
"Wow gee thanx m0m!!1 I'm gonna call the Triton and tell him!1!"
(He boots up the ware. It's called HO! HO! HO!. He pictured how rad it would
look with his k-awesome scrolling title page with 32 names on it.)
"Hey Triton!1! Just g0t ANOTHER ware from my mom! It's called HO HO HO and
it looks totally kule! Let me see here.................  Hey I just ran COPYA
and cracked it!!@!@ Fully kule! Ok I'll put a title page on it and FUR it to
ya!!@ bi!1!!"

He swiftly whipped out Fontrix 1.0 and Blazing Paddles, which he kept in his
handy DISKSLEEVE (TM) on his jacket. Also in his sleeve he kept DEMUFFIN and
COPYA, his cracking tools!  He made a quick and lame title page, on which
he made sure his name was nice and big. He then U/L'd it to the Triton's
MEGAFUR (TM) line.  Now you GOTTA be elite if you know the TRITON'S secret
phone number!! And thanx to the Triton, the ware was swiftly disktributed to
all the CatShit lines in America!

Now.. the next day we had one of our staff members call the Tavern and announce
that HO! HO! HO! is a COPYA ware. And sure enough, soon afterward everyone's 
copy began to bomb.  (CANNED LAUGHTER)..  ha ha ha.. now instead of telling
him it was a practical joke, we thought it would be hilarious if we didn't tell
him and let him suffer! ha ha... (MASSIVE CANNED LAUGHTER)  And Gadget Master
became the laughing stock of the Tavern!
(APPLAUSE)
----------

And that's only a small example!! Order your copy today by sending $39.95 
(Cash Only) to:

g0t em AHL!!1!21@@!@! PO box B942 - San Luis Obispo, CA  99E99

Watch for part II!: Pirating's Foul-ups, Bleeps, and Blunders!!
                      ~ Highest Order ~


---------------------------------------

[Here is Elven Wizard's, The Tracer's &
The Gonif's New Warez Kidz fued rag on 
new pirates.]

Msg# > 31: Famlee Fuede Part One
From > R&R Number 2
Date > FRI 1/24/86 at 00:29:02 am
=======================================

<Announcer> And now, it's time for the Famlee Fuede! Introducing the Hatsuki
            Family: The Genetic, <(-Klepto-)>, and the Ameba ready for action!
            And the Totally-Elite Family: The Merchant, JR WHIZ KID, and Gadget
            Master, ready for action! And now, the host of our show.......The
            Gonif!
<Gonif> Come on, let's play the Fuede!

[First up, the Merchant and the Genetic (Hatsuki Kang)]

<Gonif> Top ten answers on the board, first person to reach 1 point plays for
        the ten tho-
<Genet> Buzzzz! thousands yen?!
<Gonif> No, I haven't asked the question yet.
<Genet> Thousand pardons Gonif-san.
<Gonif> As I was saying, ten thousand dollars. Now, here is the question: "What
        would you buy if you had 1 million dollars?"
<Merch> Buzzzz! I'd buy me some drugs!
<Gonif> Give him some drugs...

[Buzzzzzz!]

<Gonif> Not there. Do you do drugs?
<Merch> No, but I like to pretend that I do.
<Gonif> Are you going to play or pass?
<Elite Family (together)> Play play play!
<Merch> Well, let's play, shall we? God damn I love it when I do my David
        Letterman imitation.
<Gonif> Top ten answers on the board, "What would you buy if you had 1 million
        dollars?"
<JUNOR> I WOULD BUY, UMM, MORE DISKS FOR SOME WARES!!!!!!
<Gonif> Give him some warez!

[Buzzzz! First Strike]

<Gonif> Not there. Ah, Gadget Master, I see you have a gift for me.
<Gadge> Here. It's the latest Five Star ware. It totally sucks too!
<Gonif> No thanks. I'm still playing Hanukah! Hanukah! Hanukah! From you.
<Gadge> Umm, I would buy some disks to put more wares on them.
<Elite Family> Good answer! Good Answer!
<Gonif> I'm sorry, JR WHIZ KID already said that.
<Gadge> Well, umm.. gee whiz, I'm tryin to think. um gosh! gee!
<Gonif> Three seconds.
<Gadge> ok, I would buy some COPYA wares to crack!

[Buzzzz! Second Strike]

<Gonif> Hatsuki family has a chance to steal if you don't get this one Chuckee!
<Merch> Umm, ok, I would buy some drugs!!
<Gonif> You said that already.
<Merch> Oh yeah I did. I would buy another computer so I could get twice as
        many wares in a day!
<Gonif> Give the man a computer!

[Buzzzz! Third Strike]

<Gonif> Hatsukmes, what is your answer for all the points? [0 Points]
<Genet> We says to buys a some publishing company so we can publish our book!
<Gonif> For all the points, Publishing Company.

[Ding! XX PUBLISHING COMP. 09 XX]

<Gonif> Hatsuki 00 Totally Elite 00, com' on let's play the Fuede!

[Second up, Kleptoe and JR WHIZ KID]

<Gonif> Top 5 Answers on the board, money values doubled. Hands on Buzzers.
        "What is your favorite activity on a Friday night?"
<Klept> Buzzz! Go to the bathhouse!
<Gonif> Bathouse!

[Buzzz!]

<Gonif> Not there. Play or pass?
<Hatsuki Family> Play play quit play!
<Klept> Uh, we'll play Jeff!
<Gonif> Ok, gotta get just one point to play the big money.
<Ameba> Trade warez?!
<Gonif> Trade some wares...

[Buzzz! First Strike]

<Gonif> "What do you do on a Friday night Genetic?"
<Genet> Call boards all night long cuz it be not school night. Papa-san let use
        phone hour after bed time!
<Gonif> Survey says..

[Buzzz! Second Strike]

<Gonif> Totally Elite Family has a chance to steal. What do you do on a Fri.
        Night?
<Klept> Write shitty hacking programs?

[Buzzz! Third Strike]

<Gonif> Totally Elite has a chance to take all 00 points, what do you say chuk?
<Merch> Well, I would watch Dave, but he isn't on on Fridays.. uh, I know, Do
        some drugs!! Yeah!
<Gonif> For all the money, Do drugs!

[Buzzz!]

<Gonif> It all goes to Hatsukme! Hatsukme 00 Totally Elite 00. Let's play the
        Fuede!

[Third up, The Ameba and JR WHIZ KID]

<Gonif> Dollar values tripled, top 3 answers on the board. This will decide it.
        I'll only ask the question once. "What would you yell on a busy street
        if approached by a mugger?"
<JUNIO> I WOULD YELL, GOT THEM ALL!!!!!

[Buzzz!]

<Gonif> Play or pass?
<JUNIO> PLAY!
<Gonif> Three seconds.
<Gadge> I would yell Five Star r0x like an 0x!!

[Buzzz! First Strike]

<Gonif> Three seconds.
<Merch> Um, I would yell They Pelted me with rocks and garbage!! I love it when
        I do them Letterman imitations!

[Buzzz! Second Strike]

<Gonif> Three seconds.
<JUNIO> UH, DUH, UM, GEE GOSH, UM I WOULD YELL RAPE!!! YEAH, RAPE RAPE RAPE
        RAPE RAPE!!
<Gonif> Calm down! It's just pretend.
<JUNIO> OH, I THOUGHT IT WAS REAL. SORRY.

[Buzzz! Third Strike!]

<Gonif> Hatsuki can steal, what is your answer for the game?
<Genet> Help me? Um, what do I do now?

[Ding ding ding!]

<Gonif> You got it! You win!
<Genet> But I haven't answered yet!
<Gonif> Yes you did.
<Genet> No I didn't! I want to answer. I wasn't ready.
<Gonif> But you won!
<Genet> I don't care. I want to answer.
<Gonif> Hey, Sector Vector, get these losers off the stage! I've never seen a
        worse game in all the years I've played. We don't need them. Besides,
       all the money goes to us! Kosher huh? We get it all!! Got them all!
 
...and so our story comes to an end. Stay tuned for our next edition when even
more losers play the   

          FAMLEE FUEDE! (C) 1986 R&R ENTERPRISES / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Don't accept any imitations!

---------------------------------------

[Here is the Tracer's final msg. on the
Tavern on the day of its death.]


Msg# > 78: yeah d00dz you've found me out!
From > THE TRACER
Date > SUN 2/9/86 at 10:54:07 pm
=======================================


I admit it. I'm really everyone on the board whose views conflict with your
pathetic GnU wHeReZ outlook. 

As for ragging on the Gunslinger.... I can only ask - Why? Is he a rodent? 
is he a new warez kid? Did I rag on Skip, or Chief Surgeon, or the Bishop
or anyone with an IQ>58...? No, because I have no reason to "rag" on them,
they are hardly deserving of my scorn.  

Well, this will probably be my last post on this board. (Rodents sigh in
relief) But not to worry, many exposing GnU wHeReZ are yet to come!1!@!2! 

Tracer / 9/10 of the Tavern. In fact I *AM* the Gunslinger, why rag on myself..

at least be consistant in your stupidity, jeez... (In case you're little mind 
missed it, someone apparently came to the conclusion that we are all really
figments of *'s imagination... Who knows, reality is what you make it eh..?)

hahahahhahahahahahahhaha

have a good life everyone.. Anything I had to say to anyone has already been
done through mail, so I won't cry about the Tavern passing away on it's worst
subboard.



Again, you site the entire board disagreeing with me.... and only '4' of 'us'
sticking together. Ok, let's count ->

Agree:                                     Disagree:
--------------------------------------     ------------------------------------
The Tracer (me, i'm so rad)                Jr. Whizums Kid
The Gonif                                  The Dungeon Master
Skip Rooney                                Mr. Memorex
Elven Wizard                               Double 'D'ork
Sector Vector                              The Outlaw
The Jerk                                   The Atom
The Freeze                                 Gadget Master
the Bishop                                    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Dr. Micro                                     Every member of ~r3-d,worst class
The Wombat                                    Simplex herpes Elite, fill in los
The Chief Surgeon                             er new warez group here.  
The Reporter                                  ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 



not to go on forever. Whose side even has more 'respectable' pirates? Whose side has a higher collective IQ...? Duh... Mine. 

I know most of you will never see this on here, but that's what GEA is for.....

Duh, they hate us! they must all be the same person. Why do you think I dropped
all this shit on the L board? To piss you off, it worked no? everyone bitched &
whined about it. >GOOD< I'm happy. I'd just as soon have 2 roustrooms as a rous
troom & a Gnu Wherez bored. If you don't like it too fucking bad.

Final thought, why did * take the board down? People who drive porsche carreras
are not noted for their lack of funds. Could it be that he was disgusted with 
the way the entire pirate world was going? Could it be that he has been around 
since the >real< pirate worlds inception and seen it go downhill to this? And 
then when he wanted to find out whether you rodents wanted the board or nor, 
you were too cheap to send in $25 bucks. About 1/2 the cost of the Laytezt Ware
d00d!>>!>. And finaly, if 'rodents like me' are the reason why he got sick of
it, then tell me why the fuck I had full, free access & wasn't deleated?

Tracer - "He was all things"


Most of all, I have >nothing< against "piracy" or pirates. However what you
people are, cannot be defined as pirates. You really should refer to yourselves
as New Warez Kidz, because you sure as hell aren't PIRATES. 

Merchant:Yes your point would have been valid had I ragged on people undeserving
of it. I >could< have ragged on anyone, yet I only made fun of idiot's. Perhaps
that should tell you something. 

Goodbye, it's over.

[Kind of emotional, but true.]

---------------------------------------

[Here is Elven Wizard's final msg.]



Msg# > 59: GEE WHIZ THEY HURT ME WITH THOSE BIG TIME TOUGH RAG POSTS!
From > R&R-RRRR / ~ Highest Order ~ / Intelligent Life
Date > SUN 2/9/86 at 07:21:33 pm
=======================================

When will you losers learn?



    "If You Can't Rag, DON'T!"

         -R.R.R.R.


 Even as the Tavern knocks on Death's door, you ATTEMPT to attack those who you
do not understand -- me, Tracer, Skippy Gooney, et al could care less. 

 In fact, we'd even enjoy reading rags on us IF THEY WERE GOOD. But as nature
dictated it, losers just can't rag. For those of you who would like to learn
how (take note Double 'D', Sultan, Robin Hood, etc) finish Junior high first,
ok? We can start from there.

 I can only imagine what you losers look like in person.

   Coke Bottle Glasses
   Acne Face
   Plastic Pocket Protector + Slide Rule
   Greasy hair
   Short 98 lb geeks/or fat


         Loser, is it YOU?


Get a life, then rag on those who already have one.


 Excuse me now. I must be going to get the latest rad kick ass ware. Nah, it
ain't good, but fuck it's NEW! 

Losers like the Outlaw will never understand. Maybe the Merchant has a simple
understanding, but not the rest of you.




          W E   D O N ' T   C A R E   W H A T   Y O U   T H I N K !  



We don't care about getting the latest ware -- or any ware for that matter. To
us this is simply a HOBBY, not a life.

In answer to your question, The Phoenix, Mystic, Clash Master, The Tracer, Me,
Skip Gooney, Goonif, Wombat, Sector Vector, Dr. Micro, ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON,
LOSERS!


Your simple mind can't comprehend our motivations, so don't bother trying. R&R
might pop up again, depends. It's too bad The Tavern must go down, but hey I at
least have supported it, NONE of you losers on (L)affites have. NONE of you
losers on (L)affites have even been members for more than a year anyway. What
is YOUR loss? Blame yourselves losers. Couldn't get mommie to give you $25?

                 I think you already figured out who I am, so I won't bother
                 signing 

The end of an era. And the start of total loser domination, with c00l catfurz, 
rad telecatz, and awesome pr0ving gr0undz. The Golden Age of modeming is over.


as the Tracer said,

Goodbye, it's over.

[Also rings very true. Most of you
should pay attention.]

---------------------------------------

[Here is the one, anonymous msg. That 
manages to sum up almost everything
that is wrong with piracy and phreaking
today.]


Msg# > 41: end of an era
From > anonymous
Date > SAT 2/8/86 at 01:05:05 pm
=======================================

I never once recieved proper credit for what I did. Not once did my name 
appear in the limelight. But I will suffer through, just as I suffered through
some of the dumbest rag posts I have ever seen. It doesn't matter anymore, 
though. Because without the Tavern, most of you losers will have no where to 
congregate(that means a place where you are all together). Sometimes I wonder
about people who take a machine and make it the focus of their life. Actually,
I worry about people like that all the time. Sit back and look at yourselves. 
You seriously disgust me. Let's look at some definitions that reside in your
head:

hard drive: something you use to put up a catfur/proving grounds board.

ware: a new GAME

rodent: someone who doesn't get a ware, or doesn't care about your stupid 
        little world. Can also mean anyone who can laugh at themselves and
        see the humor of it all. 

elite: anyone who runs a 65 meg catfur line with 475 volumes of the latest.
       or is a member of cool elite groups.

gnu warez kid(various spellings exist): a name used to put down someone even
             though you are just like them. A gnu warez kid is every single
             one of you that has ever posted a message that says "I haven't
             unpacked it yet, but it should be good." Get a clue to life.

girl/female/woman: detestable beast that contains the deadly virus "cootie".

party: when all the best pirates & phreaks get together to copy gnu warez &
       elite board #'s.




It is just disgusting to watch you all on this board and others. It's a shame
that some of you actually won't grow up and learn that a computer is a tool, 
not a life. It doesn't matter how you look, it doesn't matter how you act. It 
just matters what your outlook is. Although it is a shame that the Tavern is
disappearing, you should look at why it is. I sent my money but did you? No.
And why didn't you? Because you thought that you would just have to auto-dial 
just a little longer using your Metro code to get on the western entrance.
Good thing you saved that $25, huh?


[Very true. The one sentence:
"It doesn't matter how you look, it
doesn't matter how you act. It just
matters what your outlook is". Is
the most intelligent thing we have
ever seen posted, anywhere. Whoever
wrote it. You have our respect.]

---------------------------------------
National Enlightener, Issue 3, part ][,
(C) 1986 NE! "I can't be wrong, I'm 
Elite!"
---------------------------------------

