                                  T H E

                          E S T A B  - L O I D
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                      Issue #1             1-11-86
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                   Editor & Host Sysop - Gene Williams

                A weekly electronic magazine for users of
                    The Establishment BBS (894-6526)
                   owned and operated by Thane Harris

                        Editor - Gene B. Williams

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     . and including this opening section and statement.         .
     . If you like the magazine, the Sysop) and I would appre-   .
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                                (c) 1986

    THIS ISSUE:

         Those of you who have been around a while might remember
    The Evening Zephyr BBS and "The Zephyr Magazine." The magazine
    was a thing I would write and upload to the BBS each Saturday
    night or Sunday morning.
         Well, the Zephyr has blown off into history. Our illustrious
    sysop here on the Establishment has conned me into bringing the
    magazine back to life again, however.
         So, here it is.

         At the moment, we have planned to bring you a new magazine
    each week. Just exactly how well this will work out is largely up
    to you, the users. The only way it will work is if you get
    involved. There are several ways you can do this:

         1. Be sure to stop by The Establishment AT LEAST once each
    week to get the new issue. Then read the issue. It doesn't do me
    much good to write the magazine if nobody is going to be reading
    it.
         2. Make comments and get involved with the discussions. This
    doesn't mean that I'm looking for, "Wow, that was a good issue,
    Gene!" comments (although they're nice, too.) I'm more concerned
    with getting you involved and talking. The one thing I ask is
    that you confine your comments to the issue topic. (If you have
    topic suggestions, by all means let me know.)
         3. SPREAD THE WORD! When you log into another BBS, be sure
    to mention the magazine - and The Establishment. To make this
    work, we need users and readers.

    .pa

                      TAKING CARE OF YOUR COMPUTER
                                (part 1)

         I've started work on the fifth book in a series of books on
    computer maintenance and repair. During the research for these
    books I had to go through a number of manuals, and talk to quite
    a few people involved in the field.
         When I first got into computing I had the usual reaction
    when it came to thinking about fixing a malfunction. FEAR! I was
    under the impression that a computer is complex, requiring years
    of training and experience to understand its inner workings.
         If something DOES go wrong, chances are good that you can
    fix it yourself. All it really takes is a bit of time and a bit
    of thought.
         Most of the problems come from simply not taking care of
    your computer. You can prevent about 90% of all malfunctions by
    taking a few easy steps. The key is prevention. Take care of
    things BEFORE they happen and you'll have far fewer problems with
    your computer system.
         When was the last time you cleaned the disk drive heads of
    your computer? Or vacuumed out the inside of your printer. Or
    given your computer a snack of chips and DIP (switches)?
         At this point it might be appropriate to mention some of the
    differences between the various computers and to bring up some
    information that is not generally released to the public. There
    are some minor differences between the various makes.
         IBM is a huge corporation - the largest computer-type
    company in the world. It is company policy for the employees to
    do little things, such as to dress well, even if you're about to
    crawl inside one of their mainframes. This attitude has reached
    through into the design of their computers. Consequently, the
    IBMs have a tendency to have a "holier than thou" attitude. So,
    you don't dare spill an ordinary Coke or Pepsi down the keyboard
    of an IBM. Your computer will feel insulted and is almost certain
    to go into a temper tantrum pout and malfunction.
         When spilling things inside the IBM machines, be sure to use
    nothing but imported champagne - preferably French. That way you
    let your computer know that you care, and that you understand
    that the IBM comes from a higher society than other computers.
         The Commodore computers, on the other hand, come from a
    nautical background (hence the name). While the Commodores aren't
    offended by spilled Coke, they much prefer a good, hearty beer.
    Better yet, toss some foamy ale into the keyboard, or perhaps a
    bottle of rum (accompanied by a loud, "Yo ho ho").
         Commodore computers are also known to be somewhat partial to
    a thick butter sauce, especially when it has just a touch of
    garlic in it. If you happen to own one of the earlier Commodores,
    or any of the special "Official Commodore Diskette"s, sniff
    carefully and you'll smell the garlic. It was used to lubricate
    both the mechanical parts of the computer and to provide a nice,
    slick surface for the diskettes. The use of garlic as a lubricant
    also helped to keep vampires away, making C64s very popular
    overseas. (When was the last time you saw fang marks on a C64?)
         They had to abandon this practice, however. After a few
    months the end users were complaining that certain parts of the
    computer were being covered with mold, and that the odor was
    getting to be a bit much. Worse yet were the users who were fat.
    They reported difficulty in operating the computer since they had
    the constant and overwhelming desire to eat their computers and
    software.
         Now, Apple computers weren't named "Apple" out of the blue -
    and certainly not out of the big blue. The original designer of
    the Apple circuitry was named Johnny. He would walk around the
    garage by the hour, reaching into his pockets and tossing tiny
    seeds at everyone in sight. The common story is that Apple moved
    out of that garage and into a larger building because the company
    was growing so quickly. Actually it was because a veritable
    orchard was busting through the concrete of the garage floor.
         Johnny's influence continues to this day. If your Apple II
    or II+ is acting up, try rubbing some sliced apple over the
    keyboard and across the motherboard. If this doesn't take care of
    the problem, it's possible that you computer have worms. Well,
    not YOU necessarily. But your computer might have them. The
    easiest way to get rid of apple worms is to pare out the CPU,
    blend in a bit of cinnamon and brown sugar, and then bake at 375
    for an hour.
         The IIe was Apple's attempt to break free of Johnny's
    influence. The idea was to make it possible to carry out normal
    maintenance and repair without having to slice fresh apples. They
    attempted to get all the apples out, but only managed to reduce
    it to using apple puree, or even apple sauce. For a memory
    problem, for example, with the II or II+ you have to rub in
    whole, fresh apples. With the IIe you need only open the cabinet,
    pour in 16 ounces of apple sauce and stir it around. Another
    advantage with the IIe is that no baking is required.
         With the Lisa they made one more attempt to get away from
    fruits. One day while playing Fifi, the engineer stumbled into a
    room just above the fireplace and met a cute little thing by the
    name of - you guessed it - Lisa! The original Lisa was apparently
    from the Black Forest, and quite a frau she was! All 512 pounds
    of her, and willing to let anything at all be plugged in. Hence
    the idea of building a "powerful" computer. Their only problem
    was that Lisa had a fondness for apfel struddle. Repair and
    maintenance of the Lisa by the end user is confined to the
    struddle, a pint of dark beer, and perhaps a shot of schnaps
    poured carefully over the serial port. Beyond that, Lisa is far
    too powerful and experienced for handling by the average person.
         Apple finally realized that they couldn't get the seeds out
    of the Apple, which is why they came back with the Macintosh. The
    attempt was to at least get a better, more edible, variety going.
    To help keep out the worms, they made the cabinet so that a
    special tool is required just to open it. (Sounds kinda like
    Lisa, doesn't it?) The best method is to load a squirt gun with
    some official "Apple Juice" (part # BN-CXZ4-143L97W12-M - $23.95
    per ounce) and place a few well-aimed spurts through the drive
    doors.
         Many people are under the false impression that TRS stands
    for "The Radio Shack." Actually it is an acronym for "Truly
    Reliable Sh@%." End result - you won't have to worry too much
    about fixing the thing. When you do, keep in mind that the TRS
    series is built for the common man. Nothing fancy is required. A
    simple Jumbo Jack will do it nicely. Quite often if the disk
    drive fails, all you have to do is to place the beef patty from a
    regular burger (with cheese or secret sauce, if you also need
    lubrication) in the disk drive and boot up. (Some people report
    that the beef patties are more reliable for storage of important
    programs than are diskettes from Radio Shack.)

         Keeping your computer clean is important. This is especially
    true of the drives. There is a mistaken belief that all you need
    to keep everything working right is to use one of the very
    expensive drive cleaning kits. These kits are fine for cleaning
    the head (and there won't be a funny man in a rowboat shouting at
    you), but they completely ignore the fact that dust is one of the
    major enemies of anything mechanical.
         Instead of trying to clean the head only, take the entire
    computer into the shower with you. This is an excellent time for
    you to REALLY get to know your computer. If the read/write
    functions have been sluggish, you might consider a long hot soak
    in a bubble bath, followed by a lengthy alcohol rub. (Be very
    careful that you don't become emotionally involved during this.
    There is also the danger of the Maricopa Sheriff's Office busting
    you for running an illicit computer massage parlor. Rumor had it
    that a BBS was busted for having things on that BBS that
    shouldn't be there. Actually, the real reason was . . . well, YOU
    figure it out.")
         Cleaning of the read/write head itself can be accomplished
    in any of several ways. For a light cleaning you can use alcohol.
    (Keep in mind that the IBM thinks that it's high society. Use
    only imported champage or 12-year-old scotch. In any case, use
    the alcohol sparingly, or your computer might give you some
    bizarre errors until it sobers up. Plenty of black coffee might
    help speed the cure up if this happens.)
         For heavier cleaning jobs, the military has been using
    industrial strength cleansers for cleaning heads for years. Quite
    often this is used in conjuction with a scrub brush or a thing
    called a "johnny mob." (Note: It was NOT invented by Apple.)
         If this doesn't work, a rotary sander or automotive body
    grinder will surely remove any build-up. A chisel and hammer
    might also come in handy.
         This is fine for cleaning the computer and drives. Obviously
    anyone with the tiniest bit of intelligence will realize that
    it's certainly no way to clean a printer. I mean, who in their
    right mind would take a printer into the shower with them?
         Yet, printers tend to get dirtier than any other part of the
    computer system. Paper dust can build up and jam (and jelly) the
    mechanism. DO NOT blow into the printer. If you do this, it will
    follow you anywhere from then on. Even vacuum cleaning the inside
    of the printer is risky. You just never know how the printer will
    interpret that.
         To save yourself emotional grief, when the printer needs a
    cleaning, take it outside, preferably by dragging it by its power
    cord. Be rough - be firm - and your printer will respect you.
    Once it's outside, get out the garden hose and spray it down.
    Better yet, set the printer down and open a fire hydrant on it.
    The water pressure will bounce the printer along the ground. This
    guarantees that all parts will be cleaned, and that stubborn dirt
    particles will be shaken loose.
         Monitors rarely needs any attention unless they start
    showing reruns. There's nothing that can be done for this sit
    uation, unfortunately. All you can do is to sit back and get
    bored until it's all over.
         Worse is the monitor that begins to monitor YOU. This is a
    sure sign that you've been too gentle. As with printers, the
    monitor has to be treated roughly to keep its respect. But, where
    the printer becomes excessively affectionate (such as pulling
    your face close to it by wrapping your hair in the platten), the
    monitor merely spies on you. And you never know who it will tell.
         As a precaution, never do anything you don't want others to
    know about if the monitor is near. And keep a stick handy at all
    times in case it gets out of line. Obviously don't take the
    monitor into the shower with you. It's bound to let everyone know
    just how big a liar you've been all these years.
         Once each week be sure to give the monitor a good, solid
    kick. This not only helps to show the monitor who is boss, but
    keeps the phosphors on the screen shaken up so they can provide a
    clear image. (The monitor works by a stream of electrons getting
    the particles of phosphor excited. No wonder the monitor is
    always so grouchy!)

    UNTIL NEXT TIME

    Gosh, I'm really sorry about this week's issue. I'll do my best
    to behave in the future.
    Meanwhile, let's get some of YOUR ideas. Things like "The AT&T
    computer has the tendency to get wrong numbers, and charges a
    toll if an RAM address is out of the CPU zone."  Or, "Radio Shack
    made the RAM chips in the CoCo out of dark chocolate."
    This could be a good week to get silly about computing and
    computers. We can all use that change of pace once in a while,
    right?

    Next week: At the moment I have planned to do a piece of short
    fiction. If anyone has any better ideas, be sure to let me know.
    Your suggestions and comments are always welcome.

Zephyr Magazine is © Gene Williams. All rights reserved.