                                  T H E

                               Z E P H Y R

                      __     M A G A Z I N E
                     {__]++++++++++++++++++++++++++[]
                     Issue #66                7-21-89

                A weekly electronic magazine for users of
                            THE ZEPHYR II BBS
                        (Mesa, AZ - 602-894-6526)
                    owned and operated by T. H. Smith

                        Editor - Gene B. Williams

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                                (c) 1989

         Some of you already know the name of this issue's contri-
    butor (Pete Manly). Although he's best recognized for his
    incredible expertise in astronomy, he's also a fine (and much
    published) writer in other fields.
         Well, you'll find out for yourselves with this entertaining
    bit about how to NOT get lost.

         One last comment before we begin.
         So often when we have a guest contributor I get mail from
    readers telling me how good MY piece was.
         Keep in mind, *I* didn't write this. If you care to praise
    the writer, it's Pete Manly.

                            Giving Directions

                                   by

                             Peter L. Manly

         Having taken the fool's tour of many of America's triple
    expressway interchanges and assorted back roads, I have been
    forced to ponder the ways in which we give and take directions.
    To the lost traveller, the finding of one's way can often be a
    traumatic experience. I believe that most natives in any locale
    do not actually know where they are. They merely gave up trying
    to find their destinations and settled down where they were.
         There are some regional differences in giving directions.
    What an Easterner may call a mountain, we Arizonans would call a
    small hill but then again, our rivers are the size of their
    streams and creeks. There are also regional flavors in the
    approaches to giving directions. One West Texas native told me to
    go two looks and take a left. A look, it turns out, is the
    distance to the farthest thing you can see on the horizon. You
    drive to it, get out of your car, make your second look, drive to
    that and take a left. It is surprisingly accurate.
         Californians do not know distances but they will give you
    driving times to cited places. If you get caught in a traffic jam
    along the way, however, your timing is thrown off and you have to
    go back to the start again. People in New England do not know
    route numbers. Ask a native of New Hampshire where Route 3A is
    and he will ask, "Is that the Peterborough Road or the Milford
    Road?" I subsequently visited both towns and neither lies on
    Route 3A. Residents of the South will give family directions;
    "Take a left at the old Wallingford Place". By the way, the old
    Wallingford Place burned down on New Year's eve of 1972 and was
    never rebuilt. The charred foundations are not visible from the
    road. It's my own fault that I don't know this fact - nearly
    everybody in the county witnessed it and it's common knowledge in
    the area. One Colorado native's directions from Durango to
    Silverton seemed a bit simple but I followed them, arriving
    shortly at the Durango railroad station. Seems the road through
    the pass was closed for the winter and the only way to get to
    Silverton was by rail.
         In the midwest the directions might not be accurate but the
    trip is worth it. While on vacation, I stopped at a farm house to
    ask where I was. Oh, I knew that I was somewhere in Illinois but
    beyond that fact, the exact location was rather fuzzy. The lady
    of the house directed me past her sister's farm and asked that I
    deliver a cake there since I was going that way already. I never
    did get to the motel I was looking for but I met some delightful
    people, was offered a slice of cake, attended a square dancing
    contest and spent the night for free.
         Asking directions in one of our ethnic neighborhoods can
    also be quite an adventure. When encountering some non-English
    speaking native, I carefully pronounce the name of my destination
    and look lost (an easy task). The native will jabber away for a
    minute or more. The important thing here is not to listen but to
    watch his hands. Determine the direction he gestures to most
    often, go a few blocks that way and ask somebody else. Repeat the
    process. Theoretically you can reach your goal without ever
    having to understand his language. In practice you will finally
    reach somebody who speaks your language. Unfortunately, about
    half the time you find that he, too, is lost.
         There are some universal rules for asking directions. Never
    ask a jogger how to drive some place. He will courteously direct
    you down one way streets the wrong way and across foot bridges.
    Never ask two people standing together how to get somewhere. They
    will argue between themselves about the route. Never ask my
    mother-in-law how to go anywhere. Her only reference marks on the
    local countryside are flower shops, bric-a-brac and antique
    dealers and cute little cottages. If a turn is required and there
    are none of the those landmarks available at the turn point, she
    will re-route you so that you will turn at a flower shop. Never
    ask an engineer for directions. He will tell you distances to
    three decimal places in kilometers. He will also give you two
    backup routes, an optional scenic route and references to
    restaurants, fuel stops and a technical museum along the way. One
    engineer I know who works for a large computer company (I won't
    tell you which one but its initials are IBM) will whip out his
    pocket computer and convert the kilometers to miles but he has an
    even stranger way of giving directions. Ask him where Santa Cruz
    is and he will say it is 67.5 Kilometers (41.85 miles) south
    southwest of Jan Jose. He does not tell you about the mountains
    between the two points. The actual distance is closer to a
    hundred miles by car.
         Believe only those people who tell you they don't know the
    way to your destination. Most important, if somebody ends his
    directions with the phrase, "You can't miss it" then disregard
    all of his instructions. Psychologists tell us that his
    subconscious forces him to say this as a clue that he hasn't the
    foggiest idea of where you want to go. He sounds authoritative in
    directions only to satisfy a deep seated need to overcome his
    well founded inferiority complex which is based on a truly
    profound lack of general knowledge. He is also an habitual liar
    with a malicious streak and he doesn't even know where he is now.
    Thank him politely (he may be violence prone) and ask somebody
    else. If there is nobody else available you'd probably be better
    off going in the opposite direction from what he has indicated.
         Like any seasoned traveller, I approach my car armed with
    maps. Unfortunately, the maps do not show the new expressway
    which blocks the road which I intend taking. Then there is the
    sign which says "Bridge Closed. Use Mill Avenue". Fine. Which way
    is Mill Avenue? Ultimately, we must all rely on the native's
    sometimes sketchy knowledge of local geography. It's not all bad,
    though. You do get to see much more of the countryside than you
    bargained for in the first place.

    UNTIL NEXT TIME

         Okay, okay. I know I promised a different issue - one on
    equality - and some of you are no doubt anxious to get at my
    throat. Sorry to disappoint you.
         It's an important topic, and I want to be sure it's done
    just right. Equally. (That's the whole purpose.)
         Hopefully, I'll have enough time between other assignments
    (this *is* how I make my living, and the bills have to come
    first) to get it finished by next time. If not - no problem. We
    have another guest issue, from Michael Setzer, on how to convert
    hex to decimal.

         *--* Qmodem Screen Dump  07/22/89  0:28:42 *--*

Zephyr Magazine is © Gene Williams. All rights reserved.