                                  T H E

                               Z E P H Y R

                      __     M A G A Z I N E
                     {__]++++++++++++++++++++++++++[]
                     Issue #59                9-26-88

                A weekly electronic magazine for users of
                            THE ZEPHYR II BBS
                        (Mesa, AZ - 602-894-6526)
                    owned and operated by T. H. Smith

                        Editor - Gene B. Williams

     . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
     . You may share this magazine with your friends under the   .
     . condition that the magazine remain complete and intact,   .
     . with no editing, revisions or modifications of any kind,  .
     . and including this opening section and statement.         .
     . If you like the magazine, our Sysop and I would appreciate.
     . it if you would let your friends know where they can log  .
     . in to find the magazine (and incidentally one of the      .
     . finest BBSs in the country!).                             .
     . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
                                (c) 1988

    THIS ISSUE:

         My apologies for taking so long to get this new issue up.
    Deadlines have been crushing lately, to the point that I haven't
    had a day off in nearly two months.
         Anyway, I had to do a short article for a particular
    magazine - one that brought up a variety of unusual, but true,
    news stories. Since I was going through my files of clippings
    anyway, I thought, "Why not?"
         So, here we go again.

                          Crime and Punishment?

                                   by

                            Gene B. Williams

         The United States is a country of laws, some of which seemed
    designed to make us wonder. A law against bank robbery makes
    sense, but how does one explain the reasoning behind the law in
    Ohio which strictly forbids fishing from a bridge while sitting
    on a giraffe? Or the law in Lexington, Kentucky that makes it
    illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your back pocket? One can
    only try to imagine the conditions which caused the legislators
    of Yuma, Arizona to pass a law forbidding the sale of adobe tiles
    and barbeque sauce as authentic Mexican food; and why a law was
    put on the books in Winslow, Arizona which states that you can
    get up to 30 days in jail for laughing at your tostada.

         Sometimes more amusing than the laws are the crimes.

         A farmer in Minnesota had to place a call to the sheriff's
    office to report a theft. Doing so was a little difficult. The
    call went through just fine. It was the theft that was hard to
    explain. A four foot high stone wall was missing - all one
    hundred eighty feet of it.
         "It was there yesterday," the farmer said. "When I got up
    this morning, it was gone." He said that he hadn't heard a thing
    during the night, and that the dogs didn't even bark.

         A restaurant owner in Ohio had a somewhat easier time of it,
    but not by much. A burglar had broken in through the back door,
    and had apparently used a crowbar. The only thing stolen was the
    kitchen sink.

         In Quincy, Massachusetts a man was arrested and then charged
    with the theft of some onions. His neighbor had called the police
    to complain of an overpowering odor coming from Banushi's
    backyard. Upon investigation they found that the man had been
    filching bags of onions from a local produce company. In his yard
    were hundreds of sacks of onions - twenty-two tons in all.

         Meanwhile, a store owner in London was horrified when a
    woman collapsed just outside. An ambulance attendant diagnosed
    the problem quickly enough. She was suffering from extreme cold.
    She'd tried to steal a frozen chicken by hiding it under her hat.

         A burglar in New Hyde Park, New York, had real troubles with
    what should have been an easy job. He forced an entry into a gas
    station, found the safe, but instead of working the tumblers he
    set explosives to blow off the door.
         When the police arrived, the only things left were small
    chunks of metal and burned currency. Of the $3200 in the safe,
    "he got away with only a few dollars, if that."

         A Los Angeles thief had even less luck. He broke into a
    building to find some loot. The building was the kennel of a
    training school for guard dogs.

         An armed robber walked into a bank and demanded money. All
    he got was $137, but that seemed to satisfy him. He took the
    money, walked over to the manager and asked to open a savings
    account.     Another bank robber held the teller at gunpoint and
    demanded that she empty the cash drawer. She did. The robber
    looked and saw that his "take" was only $800. He threw the bag
    back at her, screamed, "Just who do you think I am?" and stomped
    out.

         And in still another bank robbery case, the thief ran off
    with his money, but when he got home the FBI was already there
    waiting for him.
         He'd written the robbery note on the back of one of his pwn
    personalized checks, complete with name, address and phone
    number.

         In a somewhat similar case, a kidnapped woman was taken to
    an abandoned house where he abductor demanded money. She said
    that she didn't have much with her but could get more. He let her
    go and gave her his phone number so she could call when she had
    the additional money.

         There seems to be no end to the imagination lurking in the
    criminal mind. One gas station was held up by a thief brandishing
    a python. A convenience store robbed by a man carrying a bag who
    smeared dog excrement on the counter and then threatened to
    spread the rest of it on the clerk. A store in Arizona was held
    up by a robber who pointed a gila monster and demanded all the
    money in the till. And in Osage Beach, Missouri, a man pulled a
    gun and robbed a bait store. To prevent those inside from
    following him, he glued them to the floor.

         Sometimes it's not so much the crime but the reason given
    for it that is bizarre.

         A San Francisco woman was kidnapped. A man forced her into
    his car and drove her back to his apartment. There he forced her
    to wash the dishes.

         In Goleta, California a man was arrested for yelling
    obscenities and threatening to throw a gas bomb at a neighbor.
    During questioning, the man said he was just trying to get to
    know his neighbors.

         As we all know, not all criminals get caught. Others are let
    go for a variety of reasons.

         The police were sent to arrest an Ohio man, but had to let
    him go. The 50-year-old culprit weighed in excess of 400 pounds.
    The handcuffs wouldn't fit around his wrists, and although they
    could squeeze him through the cell door, the cot was much too
    small.
         The man was being arrested for receiving stolen food stamps.

         A Dallas, Texas man was charged with possession of coco, a
    substance used to make coccaine. However, the clerk who typed up
    the indictment typed it as cocoa. The judge threw the case out of
    court with the comment, "I can't send a guy to jail for
    possession of chocolate, can I?"

         An 11-year-old Ohio boy was under investigation. Five agents
    were assigned to the case. His crime was that of selling fishing
    worms and crawfish in his front yard. His "take" during the week-
    long investigation was $4.50, $1.00 of which was made from
    purchases of the undercover officers.
         The case was dismissed when the judge said what should have
    been realized all along. "This is ridiculous!"

         The telephones at a bank were ringing and ringing without
    being answered. They couldn't be. The bank was being held up.
    After the robbers got away with $64,000 the bank manager finally
    picked up the phone. It was the sheriff's department calling to
    tell him that his alarm was sounding.

         Then there are the times when the criminal is caught and
    sentenced.

         A man drew a fine of $33.50 for criminal trespass. His
    offense was that he'd entered a women's outhouse and had crawled
    down into the pit beneath.

         A federal study of mental institutions was being done. In it
    they discovered a Massachusetts man who had been held for 50
    years for painting a horse to look like a zebra.
         A Kansas man got a sentence of 10 years in prison for
    "assaulting two trees and causing $250 in damage."

         Lest we think that such things happen only in America, a
    hotel cashier in an eastern country was found guilty of
    embezzling $12,000 and sentenced to 865 years in prison. He
    cooperated with the court, however, and his sentence was reduced
    to 576 years.

         In Russia during the reign of Princess Anne, a nobleman
    faced sentencing. She gave him a choice. He could be hanged, or
    he could sit on a next of eggs and cluck like a chicken.

         Not exactly a criminal act but still a matter of law
    concerns driving, and the accidents that sometime result. Those
    involved have to fill out an accident report in which they
    explain what happened.
         One driver explained, "The guy was all over the road. I had
    to swerve three times before I hit him." Another wrote, "I pulled
    away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
    headed over the embankment." One that must have given the
    insurance company a real headache stated, "The pedestrian had no
    idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

         A man in California was about to be denied a driver's
    license. His eyesight was too poor. However, a hearing granted a
    special condition. He can drive when, and only when, "his nagging
    wife is with him."
         She doesn't drive, but according to the court's findings, is
    such a nag that she constantly points out hazzards. The official
    judgment was that "her mouth is sufficient eyesight."

         And finally, in the "You just can't win sometimes" category:
         A man in Washington, D.C. had been robbed several times. The
    police seemed unable to help, but suggested that he get himself a
    dog. He did.
         An officer came to investigate the robberies and was
    attacked by the dog. The officer pulled his gun and shot, killing
    the animal - and then cited the man for having a vicious dog.

    Until Next Time

         Well, it took a long time to get at least something up for
    all of you. I *think* I have all the deadlines under control, at
    least for the moment, and will spend a few days knocking together
    some pieces that can be used for the magazine.
         Anyway, things are back to normal. Temporarily.

         Incidentally, if anyone here happens to come across any
    unusual stories that can be verified as true, I'd appreciate it
    if you'd drop me a note in mail.

Zephyr Magazine is © Gene Williams. All rights reserved.