        The FidoNet HOLYSMOKE Frequently Made-up Questions sheet
              By David Rice, Last Revised 12 October, 1994

INTRODUCTION by various echo members selected at random:

    "Welcome to the lovely world of HolySmoke! Watch out! The sugar-
    coating you  now wear  will probably  wear off  before long.  It
    doesn't take  very  long,  here.  We're  the Comet  Cleanser  of
    religion." Questor Thews

    "Perhaps  you   would   send   some  [newspaper   articles]   my
    way...yeah...I know it's  like the rest  of your  life...one big
    circus of lies." Ron Stringfollow

    "Beware!      The       Jew       is       the       antichrist.
    (rv.2:9,3:9)(1jn.2:22)(jn.8:44)" -- John Pierce

    "Which Jew?!" -- David Rice

    "We're not here to discuss religion, we're  here to be disgusted
    by it." Gwen "Gwenny the pooh" Todd

    "Sorry, I must have misunderstood your  question. I believe that
    the Holy  Spirit caused  one of  Mary's eggs  to become  a fetus
    without sperm." Steve Bedard

    "A human needs a God like a whale needs a harpoon." - David Rice

    "In vertebrates, the phenomena  of parthenogenesis (look  it up)
    is well documented in the classes Pisces, Amphibia and Reptilia,
    but not  in  Aves  nor Mammalia.  Therefore,  we  are forced  to
    conclude that ol' Jesus  must have been  either a land  shark or
    the original lounge lizard." Marty Leipzig answers Steve Bedard.

    "This ain't the harmony echo, dipshit." - Robert Curry.

    "They sat down in the kitchen, where  the morons started pulling
    out bibles, books, pamphlets,  and other assorted  implements of
    destruction." Kelsey Bjarnason

    "In no way am I your physical or mental inferior and I refuse to
    be addressed as one, you drooling asswipe." - Lynne Rosendale

    "This echo is abomination.  This echo is also  filled with those
    who will one day  bend their knee to  Jesus Christ and  call him
    Lord, whether they like it or not! And to think how much fun I'm
    gonna have fun watching you say it." Martin Riley

    "Anybody  that  brags  about  hearing  voices  in  his/her  head
    concerns me." Steve Quarrella

    "No need to pity me. Jesus gives me all the  help I need." Steve
    Bedard

    "It is like arguing with a  lump of shit. The  longer one argues
    with  shit,  the  sillier  one  appears,   and  the  shit  ain't
    listening." David Rice

    "God told me the Book of Mormon was true." Conrad Knudson

    "One thing  at  a  time.  Answer  the  question,  godling."  Ron
    Stringfellow

    "HolySmoke  is   a   drive-by   shooting  on   the   information
    superhighway." Marty Leipzig

    "Calling [Bob Larson's] radio theater  show 'hard-hitting' would
    be like  comparing the  intellect of  Dan Quayle  favorably with
    that of Leonardo da Vinci or Albert Einstein." Sean McCullough

    "If god breathed on a pile  of dust all he would get  is a cloud
    and maybe a sneeze or two." Lonny Bethany

    "It's rather  like having  Freedie Kruger  babysit children.  Or
    asking Pee Wee  Herman to teach  human sexuality. Or  asking Jim
    Bakker to be treasurer of the United States. Or asking Jim Jones
    to look over the refreshments." Fredric Rice

    "'God' is the name of a particular god,  the Christian one." Bob
    Winn

    "In Cyber-Space, no one gives a damn if you scream." Steve Rose

    "Peter, I know what pi r2  is and have since the  beginning. . .
    and I am sure that god took that into account." Ron Stringfellow

    "Any god who  was elected  a god by  majority vote,  like Jesus,
    must have a severe identity crisis." David Rice

    "I missed being god by one vote!" Odin

    "Jesus is  Isis!?? Christ!  I've been  fucking  the wrong  god!"
    Steve Rose

    "'I am saved.' From what? Having to think for yourself?" Fredric
    Rice

    "When we believe that our individual will  is the superior force
    in the cosmos we  deny the harmony which  creation itself seeks.
    Jesus's struggle in Gesthemane shows us that there  is a will to
    be served beyond our own self-interests. . ." Jesse C. Jones

    ". . . Jesus had nothing to loose, either." Fredric Rice answers
    Jesse

    "Lies are hard to keep straight in  an era without sophisticated
    communications, it would seem." Simon Ewins

    "BUT... if I told you that 1+1=1, as idiotic  as it seems, until
    I am proven wrong, I am right." Zach Webb

    "AIDS cures queers (see Romans 1:27)" Ken Cusick

    "Faith in yourself will not help when the problem is beyond your
    control." Steve Bedard

    "The use of pepper is the only blasphemy." Robert Curry

    "My my,  I have  the false  Christian scum  (and their  infidel,
    reprobate brethren),  the  Sodomites and  the  general filth  of
    FidoNet all ganging up on me." Steve Winter

    "Okay, then, remember this  bit of advice:  when a girl  asks to
    see your  sex  organs,  stick out  your  tongue  and hold  up  a
    finger." Hector Plasmic

    "'Passage?' It's death, Jesse.  The end of that  individual. End
    of the line. Everybody off,  this is the last  stop. Your ticket
    doesn't get you any further. Your ticket is punched. Gas tank is
    empty and  you  don't have  the  energy to  get  out and  walk."
    Fredric Rice

    "By-the-way, Mary is  still a  slut and  your precious  Jesus is
    long dead and rotted in  the grave.  I've  profaned your Savior,
    now what do you intend to do about it?" Shelby Sherman

    "Do you imagine that  sexuality began with  mammals? Cockroaches
    are male  and  female,  as you  would  notice  if you  paid  any
    attention to your congregation." Don Martin

    "Okay. I'll retract the story about the man who was arrested for
    praying in  the Florida  restaurant. But  only  because you  and
    others are hung up on it.  This should clear the way  for what I
    really want  to prove.  That is  the Historicity  of Jesus.  So,
    Robert, you have  my retraction for  what it's worth.  (Not that
    it's a lie.)" Joe Savelli

    "I see now why Jesus said the Jews' father is the devil. Beware!
    The Jew is the antichrist." Keith Baxter

    "If 'Jesus' does come to Earth-  is it the first  coming (as per
    Jewish tradition), second (Xian),  or third (Mormon)?  I wonder-
    and I hope he  lands feet first on  ALL televangelists. (Preying
    on fear sickens me!!!)" Rachael Roth

    "What's wrong with 'foul language', asshole?" C. J. Henshaw

    "Matt, do you  suppose incest is  why we  have fundamentalists?"
    Liz Saunders

    "Jesus made claims  that have  been proven  to be  wrong... Mark
    9:1, Matthew 16:28, Matthew 23:36, Luke  9:27, Matthew 24:21-34,
    Matthew 10:23... all claiming  foreknowledge of his  return, all
    wrong. Gee, maybe he's dead." Simon Ewins

    "Ciya is a blasphemous tool of your cunning." Jesse C. Jones

    "I'm so ugly I could make a buzzard throw up." David Rice

    "If the  theists all  shut up,  the gods  would be  speechless."
    Robert Curry

    "We already have the necessary proof - the  Scriptures.  God has
    already told us what happened.   Why do we  need further proof?"
    Derek Williams

    "What scares  the  shit  out of  me  is  that here  in  southern
    Tennessee (and  probably  many  other areas)  the  psychological
    clinics are  LINKING religious  beliefs and  psychological well-
    being. That's kind  of like giving  someone AIDS to  cure sexual
    dysfunction." Tim Bennett

    "If your  only  objective  is  to  demean  the  Bible  and  bash
    Christians then you have willingly joined the legion of Satans's
    angels." Ron Ballew

    "Creation 'Science' is to science what Rap  'music' is to music:
    a lot of noise and utterly incoherent." David Rice

This is the introduction  to the HOLYSMOKE FidoNet  echo conference FAQ.
It attempts to ask  the question, "Why is  there holy smoke?"  The quick
answer is, "Because it fills a  need." The long answer  is slightly more
complicated.

There are many religion-based echo conferences in FidoNet, most of which
are sponsored  and  moderated  by  members  of  various  religions.  The
majority of these  conferences are various  forms of monotheism  such as
Christianity,  Judaism,   and  Islam,   with  various   Christian  cults
dominating  (in   Zone  1).   Many  other   religious  conferences   are
polytheistic or pantheistic, such  as Wiccan, Pagan, and  neo-Pagan. And
then there are what can loosely be clumped together as "New Age," though
much of "New Age Thought" is not religious, but rather philosophical and
ideological--- this observation varies from one "New Ager" to another.

The latter two echoes  welcome honest inquiry and  criticism. The Wiccan
religion, of  which  there  are  several "Traditions,",  REQUIRE  honest
inquiry, relentless questioning, and harsh criticism  from their members
and students to  any dogma  that may be  presented--- the  Wiccan echoes
reflect this free inquiry, and all queries are generally answered in the
spirit of honesty and mutual respect.

I haven't spent any time in  the "New Age" echoes, so I  cannot tell you
about them.

If you have  spent any time  at all reading  the monotheist  echoes, and
particularly the Christian  and Islamic ones,  you will  have discovered
that the moderators, without exception,  are authoritarian, dictatorial,
and grim "control freaks" who will not tolerate  honest inquiry of their
ridged  dogma---  questioning  "virgin  births,"   "bleeding  /  weeping
statues," and asking  "Why would god  pray to himself?"  are immediately
ruled "off topic," and the person posing the question  may have her echo
feed severed,  usually  with a  lot  of hell  and  damnation thrown  in,
sometimes with  threats of  legal action,  and  then she  is ordered  to
repent from her  sin of questioning  "god" (i.e. the  moderator's occult
beliefs).  Since  these  cults  refuse  to  accept  anything  less  than
unquestioned obedience  to  their  religious  dogma,  another  echo  was
required where one may go and  ask the right questions  and discover the
truth.

The HOLYSMOKE echo exists so that off-topic  religious issues from other
echoes in FidoNet may be moved to an echo where they are topical. No one
in the past  four years has  yet succeeded in  helping any  theist think
past their brainwashing and self-deception to see the truth, but there's
always the chance that some ignorant god-believing  savage will be saved
from their delusions, so we have to try. <*wink!*>

Q: What is "HOLYSMOKE?"
A: HolySmoke, the  "McLaughlin Group"  of FidoNet  echoes,  is an  arena
wherein people with deeply-held  religious convictions may come  and set
the ignorant Godless heathens straight, or not, as the case may be. This
is the echo where echovangelists are banished when they are off-topic in
other FidoNet echoes, such as A_THEIST and COOKING. (See "Echovangelist"
entry below). It is the "electroshock therapy for religion addicts" cure
that so many FidoNet members are  so richly and clearly in  need of. The
moderator is Styx Allum of 1:152/20. If you don't  like his name, insult
his parents. It's REAL!

Q: Why is  the phrases  "You seem  bitter" and  "My, you're  so full  of
anger" so often used by religionists in HolySmoke?
A: These phrases  are  often used  as  replies  to excessively  abrasive
arguments  by  an  agnostic   or  atheist  that  has   demonstrated  the
religionist's pet assertions false; the religionist resorts to eliciting
an emotional response instead of addressing the topic at hand.

Q: "You seem bitter / full of anger! Why?"
A: Let John Musselwhite answer that, because he did it so well:
    "You may be missing the  point. The people who  are ridiculed
    (as it were) are not those  who profess a simple belief  in a
    creator; they are those who insist their beliefs  are correct
    and we MUST ALL  bow down before GOD  before we all roast  in
    Hell. Then there are  those who make ridiculous  claims about
    the veracity  of  their "Book"  and  attempt to  use  pseudo-
    science to "prove"  they are  right. As for  myself, I  could [not]
    care less who a person worships, although I  usually strongly
    disagree with their intent. As a secular student  of biblical
    times, I  have  learned a  lot  about what  Christianity  was
    really all  about (IMHO)  and what  life was  like in  first-
    century Judah. Personally,  I feel those  who take the  Bible
    literally and those who  follow Pauline thought should  study
    more, and attempt to understand what was REALLY going  on! By
    far the biggest problem though, are those who insist I should
    pay to support their  religion. Our city supports  a separate
    school system for Catholics, and the duplication  of services
    and buildings costs every one of us. There are  many examples
    of religion being pushed on those who do not wish it.  We who
    do NOT wish to have anything to do with religion  must suffer
    through innumerable disturbances from people who insist their
    religion should be in the forefront. THOSE are the people who
    are the targets of ridicule in this echo!"

Q: What is "hag-in-law?"
A: It is  the phrase  "Mother-in-law," which  has been  HolySmokeized. I
thought this was obvious.

Q: "Why is everyone picking on me?"
A: Chances are, you deserve  it. When someone asserts  wild and baseless
claims, and  then insists  that  others believe  these  claims, one  may
expect a little heat. Some  assertions that generate heat:  "My book was
written by god  because it says  so, and god  wouldn't lie."  "God hates
such-and-such." "God  loves  such-and-such."  "I'll  pray for  you,  you
stupid ignorant gibbering idiot  pitiful atheists." Most of  the theists
in HOLYSMOKE are not picked on  or abused, because they do  not bring it
upon themselves.  Most atheists  and agnostics,  Pagans and  Wiccans and
other disreputable  folks in  HOLYSMOKE get  their toast  fried now  and
then, too, so don't feel you're alone in your "persecution."

Q: "But this is  serious stuff!  Don't you realize  you're in  danger of
hell?!"
A: One person's religion is another person's belly-laugh (Heinlien). Not
everyone will share your delusions  / spirituality. What you  may say in
all seriousness  could  very  well  make  lots of  folks  bust  a  lower
intestine with mirth.

Q: "But what if Satan is  real? You owe it to yourself  to be ready just
in case."
A: I'll let Jason Rosendale field this one:

      Which has  the  better probability  of  being realized:  The
    existence of Satan, or the existence of a  letter bomb in your
    mail box? Hint: If you cower in fear of Satan because "there's
    a remote  chance that  he  COULD exist",  you  must be  REALLY
    phobic about opening your mail!
      Yet you open your mail  gleefully each day, as  you cower in
    fear of  Satan. This  makes it  obvious that  your talk  about
    probability is just a  pathetic excuse to continue  to believe
    in a baseless superstition.

Q: What is "Hir?"
A: Politically correct gender-neutral noun, "Her + Him = Hir."

Q: What is "Crucifixation?"
A: A state of mental  duress, usually inside a  fundamentalist Christian
brain, that admires blood, guts, suffering, agony, drinking blood of God
and eating His  body, and  usually wishes to  be crucified  and martyred
hirself. This fixation prevents those afflicted with  it to question why
Jews would crucify a heretic in the Roman fashion, when death by stoning
was the preferred method of disposing of sons of Gods.

Q: What does "Athiest" mean?
A: Bile-ed if I know! Christian Comics use this word to represent people
without morals; heathens without ethics; lawyers; baby-eaters; perverts;
sodomites; people who voted  Democrat. This word is  universally used by
theists, to  demonstrate  the abysmal  lack  of  education and  spelling
ability of North America (from whence most HOLYSMOKErs reside).

Q: What is the "Flood Of Ignorance?"
A: The Creationist's claims of a global flood, survived  by Noah and his
clan, whereby  millions of  humans died  horribly;  whereby billions  of
animals died in screaming  terror by drowning--- your  typical Christian
Death Cult story, which they get off on so much.

Q: And what's this "IHS!" thing?
A: This can mean  a great  many things!  It was  originally coined  by a
HolySmoke Regular to mean "In His Service!" though it  is not clear just
who "His" may  be. Usual  variations may mean  "I'm Happy  Stupid!" SHIt
backwards, "I'm Helping Satan!" "In Hitler's Service!" "I Hate Science!"
"Idiot Has Spoken!" "I heat sausage!" "I Hate Spam!"  and others far too
numerous  to  mention.  The   most  common  usage  in   HOLYSMOKE  means
"BULLtIHS!" The original meaning is "In Hoc Signum Vincit," referring to
the Christian crucifix as "By this sign we conquer."

Q: What is "One Nation Under God?"
A: Iran.

Q: What is a "Creationist?"
A: What apes evolved from.

Q: What is a "Not Real True Christian?"
A: When murder, mayhem, rape, and atrocities are performed by Christians
in the name of  God, their partners in  religion say they were  not Real
True Christians.  Some  famous  Not  Real  True Christians  include  Jim
Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Jones, Hitler, Jerry Falwell, All Catholics,
Jeffrey Dahlmer, Mike Warnke, John "Todd" Collins, Mormons, God Jehovah,
and the IRA/Provos.

Q: What is a "Real True Christian?"
A: A Christian, individually or grouped in a herd, that has not yet been
exposed  as  child   molesters,  pornographers,   whore-mongers,  serial
killers, or income tax  cheaters. (See "Not Real  True Christian.") Some
famous Real True  Christians are Gandi,  who wasn't, Buddha,  who isn't,
and Jesus Christ, who never existed.

Q: "What is a real Christian?" Shelby Sherman
A: "Two-thirds more irritating than 'Christian Lite.'" Marty Leipzig

Q: Now  hold  on  here.  You  can't responsibly  group  those  obviously
psychotic fringe groups that claim to be of God with the true Christians
among us.
A: Let Paul Boyer answer that (he did it better than I could).

      Why not group "those obviously psychotic fringe groups" with
    the rest of the *cough, cough* "True Christians"?
      You "True Christians"  do exactly the  same thing  you decry
    above, against  groups with  which you  disagree --  i.e., you
    characterize  all  gays  and  lesbians  from  the  actions  of
    extremist ACT UP  affinity groups;  you characterize  all pro-
    choice people from the activities of a few doctors who perform
    late-term abortions  [in  emergencies];  you characterize  all
    Liberals from the views of a few who are doctrinaire Leftists.
      You and your kind  demonize your opponents from  the actions
    of a few of the most  extreme of their kind, yet  expect to be
    exempt from similar stigmatization?

Q: What is "Christian Double Standard Time"
A: This is the standard that some Christians use to judge  who is and is
not Christian. If a Christian commits a crime for Jesus, the perpetrator
may or may not be a  criminal or Christian, depending on  the crime. See
"Not Real Christian."

Q: What is a "Christian Comic?"
A: In a great many FidoNet echoes (well, -ALL- of  them), there are days
when a Christian  Fundamentalist waltzes  in, says  something hilarious,
then waltzes  out  without  regard  for  topical  relatedness,  quality,
protocol, or desire for  rational dialogue. Humorous stuff  like "You're
forever damned for all time,"  or "The first law  of thermodynamics says
evolution is false  (they don't  know how  to count  to two),"  or "They
aren't Real True Christians."

Q: What does "IS NOT!" mean?
A: This is the Theory of Creation Science.

Q: What is the "Theory of Creation Science?"
A: "IS NOT!"  Creationists refuse  to provide  a theory  of Creationism,
because they do not have one.  Therefore it is damn hard to  teach it in
public school,  yet  they  still  demand  that it  should  (go  figure).
Creationists assume that if they can find  holes in evolutionary theory,
their religious beliefs become true via default. Therefore their efforts
are never to find evidence to falsify their  non-existent theory, but to
"prove" evolutionary theory unsound---  this effort they  call "Creation
Science," which it isn't.

Q: What is the "$15.00 God Challenge?"
A: David Rice will give US$15.00 to  anyone who can prove  He isn't God.
Previous attempts have failed  miserably, as contestants assume  that He
must perform some  miracle for them,  which would be  Him proving  He is
God, and  not  them proving  He  is not.  This  challenge  is a  thought
experiment for theists to consider when they assert  proof of their tiny
little gods and disproof of Others like the One True God, David Rice. If
they can prove their god(s)  are real, surely they  can prove Omnipotent
Rice isn't?

Q: What is the "Mutant Star Goat?"
A: The One True God, Who created life, the universe, and everything. Now
prove  me  wrong!  This  is  another  thought  experiment  for  theists.
Everything they claim for  their God(s) can be  said for Star  Goat with
equal validity. Star Goat (braise His mane!) sent His only begoaten Son,
Billy, to Earth  to die  on the Holy  Bar-Be-Que Pit  for us.  Those who
continue to deny this truth will be eaten on Judgment  Day by Star Goat,
to stew in the Holy Bile  for all eternity. If a theist  believes she or
he can punch a hole in  Star Goat theology, they should  come to realize
eventually that every hole they create APPLIES  EQUALLY to their God(s).
No one can prove Star Goat is not the One True God,  and Goatees know in
their hearts that He is, therefore He is! QED.

Q: What is a "Goatee?"
A: A devotee of Star Goat.

Q: What is "Bile-ed" and "Bile-it?"
A: When evil sinners, or  anyone else who did  not worship Star  Goat in
life, find themselves dead, their souls will be swallowed by Billy, Star
Goat's only beGoatten Son,  to stew in the  Holy Bile for  all eternity.
This is roughly equivalent to "damned" but unlike the falsehood of Hell,
the Holy Bile EXISTS! Goat save you if you don't  hurry and accept Billy
as your Personal Savior!  Send money! We are  the advocates of  the Goat
Life! Honest. (No refunds.)

Q: "Pink, invisible, flying hippo?" Excuse me?
A: Yes. Her name is Daisy, and she leaves invisible, smell-free turds on
the keyboards  of every  fundy that  posts in  HOLYSMOKE. Now  prove she
doesn't! When someone brings up the  non-measurability of their favorite
god (Jesus, Satan, Yahweh,  Jehovah, Zeus, Odin), others  bring up Daisy
and point out that the evidence she exists is  identical to the evidence
their god(s) exist.

Q: What is the fastest land animal?
A: The cheetah.

Q: What is an "Atheist?"
A: One who is "without a theism." There are two  basic forms of atheism:
the strong and the weak. The strong form says "God  does not exist." The
weak form says "I do not believe in the existence of God." Generally, an
atheist is a "non-theist."  If ever evidence is  produced to demonstrate
that any particular god exists, I  for one will stop  being atheist. Got
proof? Let's see it!

Q: What is an "Agnostic?"
A: One who doesn't know, or give a shit, if God exist or not.

Q: What is a "Diagnostic?"
A: One who doesn't know, or give a shit, if -TWO- Gods exist or not.

Q: What is "God?"
A: David Rice.

Q: No really: what is "God?"
A: God is someone  theists attribute  all the  good things  that happen,
like "I thank God for letting me win this football  game," or "Thank God
they didn't catch me molesting these  alter boys," or "Thank  God for my
job / spouse / slaves." This Guy gets all the  credit for other people's
hard work and devotion.

Q: I'm serious, now! What is "God?"
A: God is someone theists attribute all the bad things that happen, like
hurricanes that  kill hundreds  and leave  thousands  homeless ("It  was
God's Will"),  earthquake  disasters, plane  crashes,  New Jersey  never
winning the Pennant, floods, death by lightening strike, and virginity.

Q: What is an "Echovangelist?"
A: A  pain  in  the  ass.  Er,  actually  an  "Echo"   is  much  like  a
talk.newsgroup, but more on the CB radio level than Amateur Radio level.
An echovangelist is someone  who has been commissioned  by God and  / or
Satan (same thing)  to save Godless  sinners from eternal  damnation, no
matter the  cost and  no matter  how  silly she  or he  appears to  sane
members of  society.  Echovangelists  are  almost invariably  male;  the
reason  for  this  is  (1)  women  usually  have   more  sense  and  (2)
Fundamentalist Christian  Women (tm)  are kept  barefoot, pregnant,  and
away from  the  modem  least  they  learn how  their  male  masters  are
oppressing them (they are allowed to read  GARDENING and COOKING echoes,
but not FEMINISM or LEATHER_AND_LACE).

Q: How does one deal with Echovangelists?"
A: Ignore them. You see, these sorry, pathetic souls NEED, and WANT, and
DESIRE to be ridiculed and abused. They lust after  the feeling of being
persecuted, because they think it's for "defending God"  when in fact it
is for  being  an  anal-retentive  asshole.  If  they  are  not  feeling
persecuted, they feel they are not  doing their job well  enough to keep
out of hell. Example: Steve Winter.

Q: What is "Penis Envy?"
A: This is what  Randal Terry's  wife, who has  never seen  one, suffers
from. For most people, however, this is a male  affliction, not a female
one. According to Satan, in His book "Satan:  His Psychotherapy and Cure
(by the Unfortunate  Doctor Kasser,  J.S.P.S.)" the  first words  out of
Eve's mouth was "Where  do I get  one of those?"  (But then, Satan  is a
Freudian.)

Q: What is the "Fundi-Of-The-Month" club?
A: Fundamentalists are SO MUCH FUN that Steve Quarrella has created this
club so that members may receive a new, different, and exciting Fundi at
the start of each month,  for their amusement. Members  may return their
membership cards at any time, and they will be  removed from the mailing
list.  Do  -YOU-  like  to  be  pestered?  Hounded?  Annoyed?  Harassed?
Tormented with  hateful,  angry, fearful,  superstitious  fools? Do  you
enjoy beings  damned for  all time  every morning  while you  brush your
teeth? Do you like being called a  sodomite, harlot, Satanist, Democrat?
Then this club  is for  you--- JOIN TODAY!  (P.S. We're  kidding, folks.
Stop sending us money to join, Bile-it!)

Q: Well then, what is a "Fundi / Fundy/ Fundies?"
A: Someone who hates for God, and  calls it "love." These  can come from
any cult:  Born  Against  Christians,  Krishna Devotees,  Mormons,  Cult
Awareness Network,  Pat Robertson's,  Jerry Falwell's,  Jimmy Stewart's.
While there  are a  great many  of these,  they are  usually the  fringe
minority from any given cult.

Q: What is a "Republican?"
A: Someone  who   spends  12   years  annihilating   American  freedoms,
destroying the Supreme Court,  making being black illegal,  raids Social
Security of 500  million dollars when  they promised they  wouldn't, had
the second largest tax  increase of all time  -- a net increase  of $125
billion over five years. [Wall Street Journal, 8/12/92], then blames the
damage on his successor.

Q: What is a "Democrat?"
A: A commie pinko socialist traitor bleeding-heart liberal anarchist who
Republicans can use as convenient scapegoats.

Q: What is a "cult?"
A: A cult  is  any organized  religion,  of two  or  more members,  that
profess a  common dogma,  or venerate  an authoritarian  or totalitarian
figure. Therefore "cult"  applies to every  religion (with  the possible
exception of solitary neo-Pagans who make up their own religion and feel
no need to share  it with others). The  word "cult" is  usually reserved
for religions that lack political power.  It is most often  used to mean
"Any religion other than mine."

Q: What is the "OFTEN_BABBLE" echo?
A: The echo is actually called OPEN_BIBLE.

Q: Tell me about the "HOLY_BIBLE" echo.
A: This echo  is  run  by  the  emotionally ill  Steve  Winter, who  has
professed  it  to  be  THE  ONLY  =REAL=   Christian  echo  on  FidoNet,
disregarding the  dozen  or  so  other  Christian echoes,  which  aren't
really, but just  clever simulations by  Satan into fooling  people into
believing that  the echoes  are Christian-based.  No,  really! Just  ask
Steve!

Q: What is the "HERESY_WATCH" echo?
A: The true  name for  Harvey Smith's  CULT_WATCH echo  (which doesn't).
This is your  basic Christian hate  cult promoting  ignorance, hysteria,
and propaganda for  God. This  echo is sponsored  by a  messianic Jewish
cult.

Q: What about the "CULTINFO" echo?
A: This is  a very  fine echo,  that constructively  addresses religious
differences, and  seeks  to  find  a  common dialog  among  the  various
religions that are represented in the echo's readership. It is moderated
by the Priestess Rowan Moonstone.  In order to obtain  CULTINFO one must
first obtain a feed  for the Pagan Occult  Distribution System (PODSnet,
Zone 93) as CULTINFO is not a FIDOnet backbone Echo.

Q: And the echo "BURNING_TIMES?"
A: This is an  echo that addresses  violence in the  name of  religion /
God. There are often newspaper articles posted  here, keeping readers up
to date on the "Satanic Crime" myth, and  discusses attacks against such
groups  as  Pagans,  Wiccans,  Christians,  Homosexuals,   and  Jews  by
religionists and bigots.

Q: What is the A_THEIST echo?
A: A place to discuss  the importance of  state / church  separation. We
don't do god(s) here!

Q: What does "fundagelical" mean?
A: Contraction between "Fundamentalist" and "Evangelical."  It refers to
someone who evangelizes from  a very narrow, usually  ignorant, point of
view theologically.

Q: What is a "religiocrit?"
A: Someone who has  a special  commission from upon  high, or  a special
mandate from their cult, to be a religious hypocrite. Examples are Duane
Gish and Henry Morris as well as just about 100% of all creationists.

Q: And "Contradictianity?"
A: This is  a  Christian  belief  that  claims obvious,  glaring,  naked
biblical contradictions aren't.

Q: What is an "echocism?"
A: Now and then  we get someone  on the HOLYSMOKE  echo who  performs an
exorcism to banish all  of the demons that  reside in all of  us godless
contributors who post in  said echo. This  is a lot  of fun. So  far the
demons have stayed put, and usually it's the fundies that evaporate with
a *poof* never too be heard from again--- guess their spirit was willing
but their flesh was weak.

Q: What is the "GET_RON" echo?
A: A special, under-ground, Satan-spawned international  echo devoted to
"getting" a single individual, Ron Stringfellow. Since God is protecting
this person, we need  millions of us evil  doers (or a  dozen Democrats,
same thing) to "get" him. Mostly  we just get together and  laugh at him
behind his back. This echo doesn't exist. Or -does- it???????

Q: What is "Fundy Disk Failure?"
A: We often get Christians on the echo who claim they will shortly, in a
few days, provide proof of their  god's existence, or proof  of a global
flood, or proof that Earth is  flat, or proof that  evolution didn't and
isn't occurring--- just to  vanish at the appointed  time, later showing
up claiming a  "hard disk crash"  ate their proof  (I hate it  when that
happens!). The  first time  someone made  this  claim, he  blamed it  on
Satan. The next person this happened  to blamed it on  his god, Jesus---
so they  got  us  coming and  going,  eh?  Of  course -I-  believe  them
unconditionally. . . would a Christian lie?

Q: What is "The Rupture?"
A: Every few months someone claims that their "Rapture" is imminent, and
we must all "get  right" with his gods.  This causes people to  laugh so
hard they rupture a lower intestine. There have been claims of "imminent
rapture" for hundreds of years,  the latest being October  23, 1992. The
next is scheduled  for September  1994. There  is even  a Fundamentalist
Christian text file telling us what  to do when we find  we've been left
behind. Honest! Would I lie to you?

Q: Why is evolution constantly a topic in HOLYSMOKE?
A: Goat Bile-ed if I know! This is  probably because Creationists refuse
to go to the  proper echo, called  EVOLUTION, because there  are several
more well-informed  scientists  there  than  in  HOLYSMOKE. As  yet,  no
Creationist has  failed to  be  properly corrected  of  their errors  in
HOLYSMOKE. There are  several highly  knowledgeable people  in HOLYSMOKE
who can and do refute Creationists claims. Now if the Creationists would
just shut up long enough to listen . . . .

Q: Are there any Satanists here?
A: None that I know of. The best estimate of the  number of Satanists in
America is from 4,000 to 5,000 individuals ("Satan Wants You," by Arthur
Lyons), so the odds  of one showing up  is rather slim. Many  of us wish
one or more would! If you are a Satanist, please stop by and say "Hello-
--" we want to talk with you! (You know you want to!)

Q: Why don't  you pick  on Satanists  like  you pick  on Christians  and
Muslims?
A: For a couple  of reasons. First  off, we only  "pick on"  someone who
makes irrational and absurd claims while expecting us to believe them---
we've yet to  have a  Satanist come along  and do  so. Second,  and more
importantly, it  is Christians  who are  subverting  our secular  nation
through political means, not Satanists (how many Satanists sue the State
so they may lead students in prayer?).

Q: Why do you hate God / Jesus?
A: Have you  stopped beating  your spouse?  Do not  make the  mistake of
believing that attacks on stupidity is equal to an attack  on a god just
because the person making the silly claim asserts  he's speaking for his
god. In the three years I've  read HOLYSMOKE I have yet to  see a single
person hate  God or  Jesus--- just  those  who claim  to  be these  gods
followers. Many Christians commit crimes in the name of their gods--- we
don't blame their gods: we blame the criminals.

Q: Are "flames" allowed?
A: Flames are EXPECTED. You will be treated with respect and courtesy if
you extend it. The most valuable contributors, who provide references to
what they say, are very seldom flamed--- if you don't like flames, stick
to posting what you know or  can validate. Saying "Because I  say so" or
"Because I was  told so" won't  earn you much  respect. It WILL  get you
well-toasted.

Q: Will "Argument by authority" get me flamed?
A: Depends on the authority, and if  you keep all quotes  in context and
content. Claiming  that several  bright people  support your  assertions
therefore your assertions are true DOES  NOT make it so.  Don't quote an
astronomer on issues of  biology, and a biologist  on cosmology--- which
is standard Creationist tactics--- because you  will get roasted. Saying
"Einstein believed in  God (he didn't)  therefore you should"  will also
get you roasted--- bright people  CAN and DO believe  silly things; just
because someone  is well  educated in  one field  does not  make hir  an
expert in other fields.

Q: What is a "Bitch?"
A: A woman who won't sleep with you. Can you blame her?! If you sexually
harass ANYONE on the echo, woman or man, expect retribution with extreme
prejudice. There  is a  line between  "kidding" and  "harassing." Please
don't cross it!

Q: Does spelling well count?
A: Of course.  Content and  validity, though,  counts  a thousand  times
more. If your thoughts,  ideas and opinions  are clear and  well thought
out, no one should give a Goat Dropping how you spell.  It is your ideas
we want  to hear  about and  debate, not  your spelling  ability. Please
don't let poor spelling keep you from contributing.

Q: When -does- poor spelling get "flamed?"
A: Often we see theists  who mix up  "Their, there, and  they're," "Too,
to, and two," "atheist" as "athiest," and "your" for "you're." They then
in that very  same message proclaim  to reveal the  secrets of  God, the
Universe, Life and all  the Really Great Questions  humans have pondered
for a dozen millennia--  somehow a crappy  speller telling us  they know
what no one else does just doesn't seem likely. If one does not know the
difference between "Their"  and "they're" worth  a Goat Belch,  isn't it
rather PRETENTIOUS for one to be telling us all about how much one knows
about god and the universe?!

Q: What is / are the Dopefish mysteries?
A: "Swim. . . swim. .  . hungry. . . swim. .  .  swim. .  . hungry." The
rest is  a secret,  to be  revealed to  all shortly.  Talk to  the Chief
Proselytizer, Steve  Quarrella, for  all of  the  facts of  this Up  And
Coming Soon To Your Door religion.

Q: "What's wrong with Fundies?" Bruce Kazee
A1: "Not  a  thing. Unlike  clay  pigeons, they  are  capable of  making
amusing howls whilst being  shot down. HolySmoke  would not be  a better
place without them any more than a shooting gallery would be improved by
removing all the little tin ducks." Don Martin
A2: "A more appropriate question would be  'What's right with fundies?'"
Marty Leipzig, keeper of the HOLYSMOKE Dyslexicon.

Q: "Was  the  Necronomicon written  in  Damascus in  730  C.E. by  Abdul
Alhazred?" [Paraphrase Rick Vanderzwaag]
A:  "Howard  Phillips   Lovecraft  invented   Abdul  Alhazred   and  the
Necronomicon in 1921." [Paraphrase Hector Plasmic]

Q: "Dungeons and dragons is an occult and Satanic game."
A: "Ma'am, you've been playing it with the wrong people." Daniel Doran
