(This file and all humorous content are (C) and (P) 1993 RageBoy 
Publications, a subdivision of Blue Camaro Records/Press.)

One night, at a somewhat socialite party (I have since quit attending 
trendy parties), I was talking to a very attractive girl.  I began talking 
about my friend Will, who had died in a car accident in 1985, and then we 
began discussing drunk-driving accidents in general.  Soon, as I became 
more and more animated and involved, she walked away.  At first, I wondered 
why.  But then I realized:  I had become BORING.

But I overcame this malaise which had so suddenly stricken me, and if you 
are boring, THERE'S HOPE FOR YOU, TOO!

HOW NOT TO BE BORING
--------------------

   1)  Don't use statistics or facts.  In conversation, the goal is to make 
       a point, not to sound like a World Almanac.  Examples: Don't say 
       things like "2.5% of all wife beaters are hired by the Mafia" or "In 
       India, homosexuals are gutted and their skins are used for doormats." 
       One of the main reasons you should not say those things is because 
       they are not true.
   
   2)  Don't be crude or gross.  If you are telling someone about the best 
       lay you've ever had, don't say, "This chick was riding me like 
       Secretariat's jockey and she was doing things that gave me the most 
       sphincter-clenching orgasm I've ever had."  Instead, simply say "Let 
       me just say that that time in the back room of the toy store was the 
       best, most memorable bout of intercourse I have ever experienced."

   3)  Don't over-emphasize.  If you're a big fan of the Minutemen, for 
       instance, never assume that your conversational companion is, as well.
       Therefore, do not refer to every song the band has ever done as 
       though both of you have heard it.

   4)  Do not use exaggerated motions.  People who flail their arms around 
       hysterically, trying to make a point, usually lose their audience 
       within a few minutes of beginning said motions.  Also, do not say, 
       really loudly, "OH, MY GOD!" or some other such exclamation, and 
       launch into a spiel about something really moronic, such as Billy 
       Ray Cyrus.  The loud exclamation can really turn people off and 
       cause them to walk away from you, bewildered and pissed.

--------------------

Those were but the first steps to not being boring, but they're more than 
enough to get you started on the path back to "interestingness."  As you 
evolve back to your original level of good conversational taste, you will 
discover other tips that will work for you.  Feel free to share them with 
other recovering and current bores.

Meanwhile, good luck!

- Jim Douglas


