                   A QUICK LESSON IN DO-IT-YOURSELF EMBALMING

FROM 'THE BATHROOM ALMANAC' BY GUS MCLEAVY (FREDERICK FELL PUBLISHERS, INC.)

TYPED IN 80 COLUMNS BY BIG BAD BARBARIAN (PARDON MY BAD TASTE.)

     TO BEGIN, YOU'LL NEED THREE TO SIX GALLONS OF EMBALMING FLUID. IF YOU
CAN'T FIND A BRAND NAME FLUID YOU CAN MIX YOUR OWN, USING DYED AND PERFUMED
FORMALDEHYDES, GLYCERINE, BORAX, PHENOL, ALCOHOL, AND WATER. THE PROPORTIONS
AREN'T TOO IMPORTANT TO THE FINISHED PRODUCT, AS DR. JESSE CARR WILL EXPLAIN
LATER.

     FIRST OF ALL, THE MOUTH MUST BE SEWN TOGETHER AT THE INSIDE OF THE LIPS.
(THE NEEDLE IS BROUGHT OUT THROUGH THE NOSTRIL, USUALLY THE LEFT ONE.) THEN
YOU TAKE A TROCAR, A LONG HOLLOW NEEDLE ATTACHED TO A TUBE. DRAIN THE CONTENTS
OF THE ABDOMINAL AND CHEST CAVITIES, AND REPLACE THE REMOVED MATTER WITH CAVITY
FLUID. PUMP OUT THE CIRCULATORY SYSTEM, REPLACE THE BLOOD AND PLASMA WITH THE
ENBALMING SOLUTION, AND THAT'S ABOUT IT. IN EIGHT TO TEN HOURS THE TISSUES WILL
BE FIRM AND DRY, AND READY FOR 'COSMETIC RESTORATION.'

     CAREFUL, THOUGH! REGULAR ENBALMING FLUID WORKS DIFFERENTLY ON VARIOUS
BODIES ACCORDING TO THE CAUSE OF DEATH. WHILE IT WILL GIVE A PLEASANT PINK GLOW
TO THE FLESH OF A VICTIM OF CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING, WHEN IT IS USED ON
SOMEONE WHO DIED OF JAUNDICE IT IMPARTS A GREEN TINGE THAT REQUIRES A LOT OF
MAKE-UP TO CONCEAL.

     ALTHOUGH IT IS WIDELY BELIEVED TO PRESERVE A BURIED BODY, EMBALMING IN
FACT DOES NO SUCH THING. IF IT HAS ANY WORTHWHILE PURPOSE AT ALL, IT IS TO MAKE
THE OPEN CASKET FUNERAL MORE PALATABLE. DR. JESSE CARR IS NO FRIEND OF THE
MORTUARY INDUSTRY, BUT HE IS A FORMER CHIEF OF PATHOLOGY AT SAN FRANCISCO
GENERAL HOSPITAL AND PROFESSOR OF PATHOLOGY AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA
MEDICAL SCHOOL, AND HERE'S WHAT HE HAS TO SAY ABOUT IT:


      AN EXHUMED BODY IS A REPUGNANT, MOLDY, FOUL-LOOKING OBJECT. IT'S NOT
      THE IMAGE OF ONE WHO HAS BEEN LOVED . . . THE BODY ITSELF MAY BE
      INTACT, AS FAR AS CONTOURS AND SO ON; BUT THE SILK LINING OF THE
      CASKET IS ALL STAINED WITH BODY FLUIDS, THE WOOD IS ROTTING, AND THE
      BODY IS COVERED WITH MOLD . . . IF YOU SEAL UP A CASKET SO IT IS
      MORE OR LESS AIRTIGHT, YOU SEAL IN THE ANAEROBIC BACTERIA - THE KIND
      THAT THRIVE IN AN AIRLESS ATMOSPHERE, YOU SEE. THESE ARE THE
      PUTREFACTIVE BACTERIA, AND THE RESULTS OF THEIR GROWTH ARE PRETTY
      HORRIBLE . . . YOU'RE BETTER OFF WITH A SHROUD, AND NO CASKET AT
      ALL.


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