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  ...presents...             Mess o' Top Ten Lists
                                                         by The Deth Vegetable
                                                         and Iskra

                      >>> a cDc publication.......1994 <<<
                        -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
  ____       _     ____       _       ____       _     ____       _       ____
 |____digital_media____digital_culture____digital_media____digital_culture____|

Top ten least manly ways to die:
--------------------------------
10) Choking on strudel.
 9) Waltzing off the edge of the Empire State Building.
 8) Being mauled by the Easter Bunny.
 7) Flushing yourself down the toilet.
 6) Tripping on your own dress tail, falling down one stair.
 5) Nicking yourself while shaving your legs.
 4) Killer Canary.
 3) Severe paper cut.
 2) Killed in kickboxing match with Johnny "No Legs" Johnson.
 1) Crocheting accident.

Top ten most manly ways to die:
-------------------------------
10) Killed in kickboxing match with Satan.
 9) Caught in gears of combine.
 8) Hit in head with a 30 pound sledge.
 7) Diving into a swimming pool filled with shards of broken glass.
 6) Gnawing off your own arm to escape a hunter's trap.
 5) Going 18 years without sleeping.
 4) Attempting to swallow side of beef... whole.
 3) Testing your own flammability.
 2) Accidentally bathing in molten steel.
 1) Bleeding to death after pulling off your own head in a bet.

Top ten things NOT to look for in a college:
--------------------------------------------
10) 99% of all applicants are accepted.
 9) The only sports are intramural bowling and dwarf-tossing.
 8) The dorms were built over a graveyard.
 7) It has the Guiness's record for the largest number of unexplained deaths.
 6) Drive-thru graduation.
 5) Contests where they give away a PhD for 753 Fruit Loops box tops.
 4) Bars on all the windows and doors.
 3) Their "big" class is Ancient Hungarian Cabinet Making.
 2) Ancient Hungarian Cabinets.
 1) Clown vomit.

Top ten TV shows we'd like to see:
----------------------------------
10) John Elway's Wide World of Losers.
 9) Des Moines Vice.
 8) Dr. What?
 7) The John Birch Society Comedy Hour.
 6) It Isn't Gary Shandling's Show.
 5) Leave it to Warthog.
 4) The Pretty-Cool-But-Not-Really-SuperFriends
 3) Ren and Stimpy vs. Tom and Jerry
 2) Bob's Fungal Forum.
 1) America's Least Wanted.

Top ten things you least want to find in your hot dog:
------------------------------------------------------
10) Jimmy Hoffa.
 9) Fecal matter.
 8) Concrete.
 7) The Lindbergh Baby.
 6) The Second Gunman.
 5) Hitler's secret diaries.
 4) Menudo.
 3) A broken Vic-20.
 2) A working Vic-20. 
 1) Amelia Earhart.

Top ten Department of Defense projects most likely to lose funding:
-------------------------------------------------------------------
10) The Keystone MPs.
 9) Caspar Weinberger.
 8) The Stealth Garbage Truck.
 7) 103rd Hopscotch Division.
 6) Surface-to-Surface Chicken Launcher.
 5) Surface-to-Air Chicken Launcher.
 4) M.Y.O.P.I.A. Intercontinental Ballistic Missile
 3) Detroit.
 2) Mobile SKANK missile launcher.
 1) The "Big Bang Jr." Blow-'Em-Up-Good Nuke.

Top ten names least likely to be given to the next new designer drug:
---------------------------------------------------------------------
10) Spam Lite.
 9) O.D.
 8) Cyanide.
 7) DOA.
 6) SCUD.
 5) Special Placebo.
 4) Melancholy.
 3) Slow.
 2) Dumber Than a Sack of Hammers.
 1) Edgar.

Top ten things you least want to say in a dark alley:
-----------------------------------------------------
10) "Of COURSE those are all real diamonds I'm wearing"
 9) "God... I can't believe I'm actually walking down the street with
    incriminating pictures of the police chief in my pocket!"
 8) "Let's leave the keys to my new Porsche with your crippled little brother
    while we go to the club and get drunk for a few hours."
 7) "People say this a bad section of town....  Just look at all these wimps,
    I could take 'em all on at once!"
 6) "Hey Bob!  Five bucks says I can hit one of those kids wearing a "Raiders"
    hat with this rock!"
 5) "I hate people on Welfare.  They should just go out and get some money."
 4) "Is that you?  Without my glasses on I couldn't identify my own mother."
 3) "Spam Lite?  Hey!  That's my favorite too!"
 2) "Wow!  I didn't know I had this $100 bill in my wallet!"
 1) "I almost wish someone would shoot me so I could test out my bulletproof
     vest."

Top ten reasons why going to college is "marginally" better than a hot dog:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
10) Rarely do you have to use the word "sauerkraut" in Differential Calculus.
 9) College costs 5000 times more than a hot dog, and I don't think they'd
    rip us off.  Yeah.
 8) Anyone can get a hot dog, but only the precious few get accepted to
    college.  Yeah.
 7) Few hot dog vendors have their own nuclear reactors.
 6) You don't get ketchup and mustard on your shirt in College Writing.
 5) Hot dogs are no longer considered politically correct.
 4) No job interviewers ask, "So, where did you eat hot dogs?"
 3) Hot dogs fill stomach with chemicals, college fills brain with knowledge.
    Yeah.
 2) A framed napkin looks stupid on an office wall.
 1) By going to college you can avoid real life for many years; eating a hot
    dog only buys you about ten minutes.

Top ten things NOT to look for in a roommate:
---------------------------------------------
10) Oozing lesions.
 9) People with a "weird thing" for fires.
 8) Uncontrollable nose dripping.
 7) Someone who sits locked in the bathroom all day with the encyclopedia.
 6) Someone who practices ritual sacrifices.
 5) An actual SUBSCRIBER to PBS.
 4) Someone who's last 15 roommates have mysteriously disappeared.
 3) Keeps clown vomit in his back pocket.
 2) Wears "Depends Undergarments" for the fun of it.
 1) Preforms bizarre sexual practices with livestock, and doesn't invite you.

Top ten sports NOT to look for in a college:
--------------------------------------------
10) Division II Scrabble for Illiterates.
 9) Dwarf Tossing.
 8) Full Contact Lacrosse for the Simple Minded.
 7) Volleygrenade.
 6) Dwarf Bowling.
 5) Weightlifting for Lepers.
 4) Knitting.
 3) Speed Skating for the Uncoordinated.
 2) Ugly People Baseball.
 1) Nude Dwarf Bowling for Uncoordinated Illiterate Ugly People with Leprosy.

Top ten euphemisms for "bathroom:"
----------------------------------
10) Hopper.
 9) Excrementary.
 8) Dad's office.
 7) Plunger Town.
 6) Land of Mildew.
 5) Tidy Bowl Man's Royal Empire.
 4) Little boys/girls room.
 3) Shit House.
 2) Potty.
 1) Defecatorium.
 _______  __________________________________________________________________
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  (' ')  |            Save yourself!  Go outside!  DO SOMETHING!            |
   (U)   |==================================================================|
  .ooM   |Copr.(c)1994 cDc communications and The Death Vegetable and Iskra.|
\_______/|All Rights Reserved.                               05/01/1994-#255|

