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    |  ___________     _/_/       | |  \ \       _/_/       ___________  |
    | |              _/_/_____    | |   > >    _/_/_____               | |
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    | |      c   o   m   m   u   n   i   c   a   t   i   o   n   s     | |
    | |________________________________________________________________| |
    |____________________________________________________________________|

 ...presents...           Happyland Cell Block 90210
                                                        by G. Allen Perry
                                                        01/01/1997-#330

             __//////\ -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- /\\\\\\__
   Est. 1984   \\\\\\/    xXx   BOW to the COW   xXx    \//////   Est. 1984

    __    _   _    __     _   _    __       _   _      __    _   _      __
   |__heal_the_sick__raise_the_dead__cleanse_the_lepers__cast_out_demons__|

     One of the other inmates tried to escape today.  I found his method less
than inspiring.  Many have tried to escape since my original capture, but
only one has succeeded.  It was not much of an escape, though.  A young
Chinese man admitted to a murder he committed and gave details that only the
killer would know, so that he would be turned over to the police and
extradited back to California.  He apparently found prison superior to his
confinement in this facility.  The inmate who tried to escape today was far
less clever.

     He jumped over the back of the bench he had been sitting on and ran out
the back door.  He did this during one of the spasmodic arm-jerking sessions
which inevitably lead to the singing of stupid children's songs so common
here.  Immediately after his exit, seventy-five percent of the room quickly
followed him out the back door.  I first thought it was a mass escape, but
quickly came to my senses when I found myself once again lying on my back on
the floor, staring up at the six large inmates holding me down spread-eagle. 

     As the small glimmer of hope slowly left my mind, my body went limp and
I was taken back to my seat on the bench, where I was encouraged to sing more
songs and "smile Goddamnit, smile" because "you better start convincing me
how happy you are, you worthless piece of shit cum-bubble, or else I'm gonna
send you home with John and give him the biggest Coke bottle I can find to
service you with."  I quickly began smiling and for the first time since my
arrival, began spasmodically jerking my arms back and forth.  Like most of
the lifers at this place.

     Soon the rest of the inmates returned carrying the escapee, kicking and
screaming all the way back to his spot on the benches.  He was held down for
the rest of the day, but continued to scream repeatedly "Caldelau!!!
Caldelau!!!  Caldelau!!!"  I found this behavior odd, yet entertaining, in a
"see the animal boy, born human, but raised by wolves" sideshow freak kind of
way.  This was the first person I had seen reduced in utter frustration to
screaming gibberish.

     This went on for hours.  When I could take it no more, I looked at the
person next to me and asked, "What is he screaming?"

     I was sternly reprimanded for the better part of an hour and then made
to stand up so that each of the other inmates could "lovingly, yet directly,
share their feelings of hurt and disappointment with me for speaking out of
turn."

     He wouldn't stop.  He kept droning on, "Caldelau!!!  Caldelau!!!
Caldelau!!!" in the most hideously high-pitched male voice anyone could ever
devise.

     Someone finally told me that the attempted escapee was actually saying
"Call the law."

     I felt like laughing, but didn't even smile.  This would only lead to
more "loving and caring sharing of emotions and feelings" in response to my
perceived mocking insensitivity.  And so it goes.

    .-.                             _   _                             .-.
   /   \           .-.             ((___))             .-.           /   \
  /.ooM \         /   \       .-.  [ x x ]  .-.       /   \         /.ooM \
-/-------\-------/-----\-----/---\--\   /--/---\-----/-----\-------/-------\-
/lucky  13\     /       \   /     `-(' ')-'     \   /       \     /lucky  13\
           \   /         `-'         (U)         `-'         \   /
            `-'              the original e-zine              `-'    _
      Oooo                    eastside-westside                     / )   __
 /)(\ (   \                       WORLDWIDE                        /  (  /  \
 \__/  )  /  Copyright (c) 1997 cDc communications and the author. \   ) \)(/
       (_/   Award-winning CULT OF THE DEAD COW is a trademark of   oooO
          cDc communications, PO Box 53011, Lubbock, TX, 79453, USA.      _
  oooO           All rights reserved.  Edited by Swamp Ratte'.      __   ( \
 /   ) /)(\                                                        /  \  )  \
 \  (  \__/       Save yourself!  Go outside!  Do something!       \)(/ (   /
  \_)                     "THE COW WALKS AMONGST US"                    Oooo 


