
_______________________________________________________________________________
        _   _                                                      _   _
       ((___))                                                    ((___))
       [ x x ]                 cDc communications                 [ x x ]
        \   /  .ooM                presents...                     \   /
        (` ') /                                                    (` ')
         (U)                                                        (U)

                    THE *ONLY* WAY TO GET TELENET THINGIES

                              by Tequila Willy
        _______________________________________________________________
       |                                                               |
       |  TEQUILA WILLY'S GREAT SUBTERRANEAN CARNIVAL: <209>/526-3194  |
       |_______________________________________________________________|

                    Please Note:  The idea to compile this       ^
   Wow, it          highly valuable and useful information       |
 lines up! --->     into a t-file was conceived by Tequila      Glory For
                    Willy (that's me).. Actually, honestly            Me!
                    (see the pureness of my Bovine being?)
                    Swamp Rat and I were chatting away and
                    I thought it might make one wow t-file
                    so it 'twas written..Well, actually it
                    was scribed...Hmmm...hard to say...Not    <--- Note the
                    really..I'm just attempting to get the         excessive
                    paragraph here to form a lil' box, and         use of
                    I think I'm doing a good job..  Like I         periods...
                    wanted to say, I just wrote the file..
                    but the ideas within (this tfile) were
                    formed by Swamp Rat and myself. Ta-da.

                     >>> A CULT Publication......1988 <<<
                       -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-


_______________________________________________________________________________

 (The following file is buffoonery..ya..that is..well, it's a parody ya'll..)
_______________________________________________________________________________

                        08/15/88 <--]- That's the date!
                  2:20 p.m. PDT <--]- That's the exact time!
                            (sorta..almost..kinda)

    If you're a REAL HACKER (like myself and L.E.) then you not only subscribe
to superior magazines like Hustler and National Geographic, but you also spend
a LOT of time (gobs of time i.e.) jackin--er..I mean, hacking Telenet.. Finding
new nodes to hack, planting viruses, and (of course) getting those radical
TELENET THINGIES...

<%=-------------------------------------------------------------------------=%>
[ Definition ]

(Do you like the way I used those brackets and the neato little line with the
groovy little "--=%>" pattern on the end?   Ya..I knew you would!  I stole that
one from "The Phreaker's Handbook" by Cat-Trax..  You remember, it's the file
that looks AMAZINGLY SIMILAR to great parts of "BIOC Agent 003's course in
BASIC TELECOMMUNICATIONS PART IV"..   What the hell..I mean, so what if it's
plagiarism?  I mean, if BIOC stole from Cat-Trax.....(Riiiigghhhttttt..[read
that with lots o' sarcasm..]))


Well, anyhow, back to the subject..like I was sayin'..   <ahem>..

[ Definition ]

(All you ELITE!1! people can skip over this part cause' you obviously already
know what I'm talking about, but I gotta stick this part in here for all the
LAMES that are reading this...  hupho..)

*ELITE* people call Telenet thingies "Telenet thingies" so that all the pigs
and narcs won't catch on to the code...   But since this is a "tutoring" file
I'll tell you exactly what Telenet thingies are....Just MAKE SURE that no pigs
or narcs get their hands on this file...

TELENET THINGIES a.k.a. TELENET IDs a.k.a. TELENET NUIs...

(Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...!)

ko...Now that you know what were going to be getting, we can get to the good
stuff...

[+]/[+]/[+]/[+]/[+]/[+]/[+]/[+]/[+]/[+]/[+]/[+]/[+]/[+]/[+]/[+]/[+]/[+]/[+]/[+]

[ The Good Stuff ]

(Notice the groovy little line I used to separate the main ideas?)

There are many ways to go about acquiring Telenet thingies...I will go over my
favorite methods for you...

METHOD I:  Ransom
---------  ------

    This is my favorite method..I've acquired at least 100+ IDs..er...TELENET
    THINGIES..via this method.  Here's whatcha do....

4   The first thing you have to do is locate the Telenet office in your
    town/city/village..  If you don't know where it's located, simply pull a
    CN/A on the number.  Once you get the address where your local dial-up(s)
S   are located, pay it a visit...(and bring something to write with and
p   something to write on)..
a
c   Stake out the office from the parking lot..   Wait for an employee to enter
e   his/her vehicle and then write down the license plate number (unless you're
    elite, then you can just use your photographic memory, but haye', don't
    feel bad, we can't ALL be elite..)
M
a   Wait around the parking lot some more and get the plate numbers of several
r   more employees...  After you have 5 or 6+ plate numbers you can do either
g   of the following (depending if you're elite or not)...
i
n   * The First Way (UNelite):  Head on over to the DMV office and get the
!                               names and addresses of the owners of those
                                license plates..  This is very simple and easy,
                                and only costs a very little, tiny, teeny bit
                                of money..

    * The Second Way (ELITE):  Simply break into the DMV computer and get their
                               names and numbers for FREE. (Call up Jennifer,
                               invite her over and when she gets there tell her
                               to "...turn on the PRINT-er so I can get a
                               PRINT-out of THIS..." <click> <printer noises>
                               (Riiiiggghhhhhhhtttttttt.....))

    Okay, so you got their addresses, now what?  Go ahead and test out your
    elite hacking skills...  Go on, guess where you're going now!

        [ Fill in your guess here:  ________________________________
          __________________________________________________________ ]

    Right on!  You're going to go home, grab some food out of the fridge, crank
    up the stereo, and call up a girlie!

    If you are a lame you obviously won't know any girls so just jack off and
    have a stale Twinkie...

    Now that you're done with your leisure time, head on over to one of those
    addresses that you have.   Once you're there, case the place...  If you're
    not a pussy then you'll be elite and break-in while they are home...On the
    other hand, if you're a gutless sapsucking mongo-hippy dweeb then you'll
    want to wait until no one is home before you break-in.

    Breaking in is easy enough to do (I prefer the Santa Claus method of
    entry myself), but if you need help I'm sure The Ninja can help you..He's
    only written about 10,000+ files to help you be a stud, if you can't find
    what you need in there, to help you break into a home, then just skip this
    method of getting those Telenet thingies...While you're at it, sell your
    computer equipment and buy an Atari 2600..See if you can get some stale
    Twinkies at Food 4 Less too.

    Now that all the lames have given up, all you real hackers may proceed
    with the rest of this file.  You might be lame and ask "Why am I breaking
    into this house?" or you might be elite and ask "Y M I brakin' in2 thiz
    hauz?/?/"  In either case, I'll tell you... You're looking for pets.  You
    know:  cats, dogs, rodents, fish, carpet lice, etc.  Once you have found a
    pet (which you will presume the owner is emotionally attached to) you will
    proceed to take him/her/it home with you.

    Once home you'll want to boot-up your favorite word processor so that you
    can write your ransom note (of course the ransom will be those RADICAL
    TELENET THINGIES!##@%2135%$!#@%$#@%@$!%$!@^)

    (To ease in simplicity I have included an example of a ransom note that
    I often use myself.)

                                   Example!
                    ______________________________________
                   |                                      |
                   |    I HAVE Y0R CAT!!!11!!!            |
                   |                                      |
                   |         IF U WANT 2 SEE IT A LIVE    |
                   |                                      |
                   |         EFAR AGAIN THEN U WILL GIVE  |
                   |    ME YOUR SEKRAT TELENET ID!!!1!!!  |
     Example! -->  |                                      |  <-- Example!
                   |              **DO NOT KALL THE       |
                   |                                      |
                   |              POLISE**                |
                   |                                      |
                   |      I WILL KONTAKT U WITHIN 24      |
                   |                                      |
                   |       HOURZ!!!!1!!!1!!!!1!!          |
                   |                                      |
                   |______________________________________|

                                   Example!


    You might be thinking to yourself that you don't have their phone number.
    Then again, you might be elite and know how to get it, but I'll explain
    it for the lames reading this..   To get their phone number all you have
    to do is build a Beige Box (didja ever notice how 4 million+ fucking lames
    decided they to could be elite via plagiarism and therefore SLYLY
    "invented" shit like the Bud Box and the Hot Box?  I would just
    specifically like to say to those guys (specifically the author of the Hot
    Box): EAT SHIT AND LIVE!)  Like I was saying, you merely build yourself a
    BEIGE BOX, find the Bell-Hell box (that grey fucker) attached to the side
    of the house and pull an ANI on the line....

    (Wasn't that...SPECIAL...?)

    Okay, when you call the guy back you gotta be confident, secure, in
    control of the situation.  To aid you in your quest for Telenet thingies,
    I've included sample dialogues of not only the RIGHT way to do things,
    but also the WRONG way...

    THE WRONG WAY:
    ==============

    <beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep>   (<-- SIMULATED DTMF!)
    <ring> <ring> <worried voice answers>
    VICTIM: "Hello??"
    YOU: "Hi, how ya doing today?  I'm the one who kidnapped your cat!"
    VICTIM: <boo-hoo> "You say you want my TELENET ID??"
    YOU: "uhhh..ya..that's right."
    VICTIM: "What's your name?"
    YOU: "M.T. Head!  Just a sec.." <long pause> "...My sister has to use
          the phone..Could you call me back in about 1/2 hour?"
    VICTIM: "Okay.."
    YOU: "Here's my number..."

    Okay..okay...bad example..But as you can see, it's ALL WRONG!1!1%$@#%!@%#
    dAMIT!1!%!# BE A FUCKIN' TERRORIST!!%$@#%!#@%

    THE RIGHT WAY:
    ==============

    <beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep> <beep beep beep beep beep beep beep
    beep beep beep beep beep beep beep> <beep beep beep, beep beep beep, beep
    beep beep beep>   (Notice how you reroute your call like all ELITE
    hackers do?)

    <riiing> <static noises> <riiing>

    VICTIM: "Hello?"
    YOU: "Yo!--Bitch, I got your fucking cat! <hideous laughter>"
    VICTIM: "Yiiiiieeeeeee! Issheokay?huhhuhishe?"
    YOU: "If you ever want to see this cat alive again, you'll give me your
          Telenet thingie right now!"
    VICTIM: "Telenet thingie?  You mean ID?"
    YOU: "Shhhhhhh....!   yayaya.."


    Obviously, by this time your victim will be so frightened that you'll
    have no problems getting the Telenet thingie out of them...  If you're
    not a pussy you'll kill whatever animal you caught and send it back to
    them--STUFFED!

METHOD II:  Survey
----------  ------

    Do the same thing as you would in the ransom method to obtain their
    name and address, but instead of kidnapping animals you merely pretend
    to take a survey..  The trick to this method is that you have to be sly
    in your questions..

    (To aid you in your quest I have included a questionnaire that I have
    used before to successfully obtain telenet thingies.)

    [FOR BEST RESULTS DO NOT MIX THE ORDER OF THESE QUESTIONS!]


    Introduction:

              "Hi, my name is Indianian Jones, and I'm conducting a survey
              for a sociology project.  I'd like to know if you'd
              participate by answering a few questions?"

              <stick your foot in the door now>

    (After they agree, proceed with the following questions...)

             "1. Do you prefer a penis with length or girth?
              2. Do you enjoy chewing gum?
              3. What's your favorite color?
              4. What is your Telenet ID and password?
              5. Do you think communism will prevail?"

    (Notice how SLYLY you obtained information to logon with their account?)

              <remove your foot from the door>

              "Thank you for your time."

              <leave>

METHOD III:  Technically Debonair
-----------  --------------------

    This method is one of my favorite methods to obtain Telenet thingies!
    For this method you will need some hardware.

    HARDWARE REQUIRED:
              Tape recorder,
              RCA jacks (4),
              A 90 min. tape,
              Bailing wire,
              Banana peel,
              Orange paint,
              Telephone (preferably with DTMF),
              A copy of Hustler,
              A garbage can,
              100 sheets of white typing paper,
              A Clock,
              Modem,
              VCR (VHS).

    Okay, chuck everything into the garbage can except for the tape recorder,
    the VCR, the 90 min. tape, modem, and your copy of Hustler.  Now you merely
    go on down to the Telenet office and hook your tape recorder up to
    their data lines so that it will record all the data that is sent and
    received. You might think that that is easier said than done, and god
    dammit you're right!  But then, I just write these things to gain glory for
    me, if you want to get technical, read a copy of Phrack Inc!

    Once your tape is filled up (you're supposed to stick the tape in the tape
    recorder..sheezzzeee!) you take it home and hook the tape recorder back up
    to your modem.  Now you hook the VCR up to your monitor (this actually
    works best with a T.V...but haye', if you want to struggle..)   Play the
    tape back to your computer and record all the stuff to the VCR... Now, when
    you have leisure-time, you can simply play the VCR back and fast forward to
    the technical stuff that you need (i.e. finding the Telenet thingies!)

METHOD IV:  Pseudo Telenet
----------  --------------

    Here is another favorite method that I often use when I go on vacation.
    The idea here is that you have everyone think that your number is
    actually Telenet by writing a program that will simulate logons.  I
    actually have a VAX in my basement which is great for this, but haye',
    we can't ALL be elite and have that luxury (I carded it!)

    The only real trick here is getting people to call your number instead
    of Telenet.  I will discuss two methods which I have successfully used
    to accomplish this task.

    Call Forwarding Method
    ----------------------

         To use this method you simply call up the Telco. office and order
         call forwarding for the Telenet line, then you head on over to the
         phone terminals (at Telenet) and, using your stolen lineman's
         handset, forward the numbers to your line.  Wasn't that simple?


    Mail Fraud Method
    -----------------

         This my preferred method.  The first thing I do is write a program
         (on my VAX) that will address a letter to every address in my
         city (it's only about 150,000 population, so it doesn't take long)
         stating that the Telenet number has been temporarily changed [to
         my number].  I then use the mail fraud method of sending the letters
         so that it's all free (you know, that's where you put the person
         you are sending it to as the return address and then "forget" to put
         a stamp on it and it's "returned"..)   When I am done running my
         operation, I merely do the same thing stating that the number has
         been changed back.   It's so simple.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Well, that about wraps it up for THIS T-File..  I would like to extend a hearty
congratulations to those of you who are still reading..  Be sure to look for
more distorted and unachievable humor in the near future.  Adieu...

===============================================================================
           "Don't you hate it when loosers call each other loosers?"
===============================================================================
                        "What ever happened to Bowzer?"
                         "Does Batman still love us?"
===============================================================================
 (c)1988  cDc communications  by TA-KEE-LA Willsie                   8/17/88-71
 All Rights Worth Shit

