  
File   : SPH-8.TXT
Author : Bat Bastard
BBS    : The Banana Republic BBS
  
  
  SPHEROIDS, part 8
       Slings and Arrows...

  Lacy, Tilly , and the Undertaker scrambled into the Escort, and made 
velocitous thier extramuralisation.The undertaker semmed to be plying for 
trade, for he madehis lack of abilties as an overtaker very plain. "For shit's 
sake!" cried Tilly, from the floor of the car, her voice muffled by the bin-
liner that had been pressed into service as a funeral shroud,"don't let me die! 
I'm to beautiful to die". Lacy decided to let this pass(as did the vehicle in 
the other lane) "Bitchen, man" was her sole contribution to the conversation.
The undertaker halted outside Lacy and Tilly's abode, and they alighted, 
, bid insincere farwells, and staggered  inside, mentally questioning the values 
of a society that premitted such behaviour in one so old, unwashed, and unversed 
in the verse's of Mojo Nixion. Barely had they entered, when someone began a 
percussion solo on the foremost portal.Lacy went to investigate,thinking 
thoughts of Thoth, and other violent deities. "Yarrss?" , she enquired, in her 
best Susan Renouf.Upon espying thevisitor, she saw that it was her neighbour, 
that ethnic gentleman ,En Double U something, prostarate in an attitude of 
supplication, bearing an unwashed teacup in the manner that Lacy always 
imagined tributes were presented to ancient Rome . "May I borrow a cup of 
sugar?" he begged, trying to look as little a possible as a man who claimed to   
go through women as other men go through  clean socks. "And who was the honkey 
in the Rad wheels's?" he asked, overcome by twin urges, for knowledge, and for a 
diploma in sixties jive talk. "Oh, just a suitor" replied Lacy, coyly, in the 
manner she had seen someone do on 'Gloss' the previous night but three. Lacy 
lived in a fantasy world. "Yeah? Whatchadoo?" demaned the fellow on the 
doorstep. "oh just a little hearsing and swearing", replid Lacy, slamming the 
door in his face, for she felt the situation had outlived its usefulness as a 
showcase for her wit and impersonations.
 She returned to the lounge, carefully insinuating her way through discarded 
junk food wrappers and beer cans."What to do?" she mused to herself. Lacy was a 
girl who lead a life of watertight compartments. Last week was for killing her 
relatives.This morning was for the funeral. Tomorrow was for starting the search 
for the lost riches of Mummy. How, then, to spent the remainer of the day? Lacy 
wandered about the house.She turned on the television.An image of LP 
appeared,and began to speak."Mundane" thoght Lacy, changing the 
channel.obviously Lp was trying to defend his media-mashing stance of describing 
Arch Bishop Tutu as "Nigger with a Platitude".Leaving the television for a 
moment, she drifted tothe bookshelf, and surveyed the stock of pornographic 
literature therein.She picked a title at random. "The Karma Sutra guide to Fun    
Sex,limp edition".However, the book was colour-coded by the new literacy counicl,
 (whose policy to combat illiteracy seemed to be to reduce the vocabulary         
 permissible in books, as a cheaper alternative to teaching people. Lacy 
herself had baulked at this scheme, whaen she came acros the L.C complete 
dictionary, a lexograph in 200 pages), not to contain any words above 3          
sylablls,so she returned it to the shelf. She glanced at a newspaper,(the 
misnamed 'TRUTH' which, by the policies of the L.C now had the hightset 
target-age readership, especially page 3) , open at the entertainment section.
"SCHWATRTEZNEGGER SEASON !" announced one cinema."Now showing...."
"Commando....Raw Deal.." read Lacy,"hmmm, seen them" ,"Red Heat..Running 
man..Twins..Triplets..Quadruplets...." and the sequel to Aliens, "Millions of 
the buggers!".Lacy turned the page. " Terminator...Predator...","Ah, the 
latest!","EXECUTOR!" screamed the blurb, "in which Arine murders 36 racial 
stereotypes, in a variety of interesting and inventive methods, only to 
discover that he has been appointed to distribute the estates of thier 
collective, complex wills!". Lacy couldn't abide courtroom dramas, so she turn 
ack to the televison,now displaying the co-star (and chief baddy) of the 
afforementioned "MOTB!"."Well.." began Kylie, who had taken up a career as an 
interviewer, after her sordid fall from grace, involving a rotary hoe         
"I admire your purity..Not clouded by delusions of morality, a bit like Sir Joh,
 really!"Alien snapped his gigantic double mandibles together, contemplativly.
 Lacy had difficulty in telling interviewer and interviewee apart. "Yeah, well, 
I try"  He said, having the good grace to blush "by the way , have you tried my 
banana-aphrodisiac? guarenteed to seduce the most resistive victim, and new 
from LP Labs!". It was Kylis turn to wriggle with embarassment. Her audiece 
figures were down too, saw Lacy, glancing at the disguarded newspaper."Never
 mind Kylie", thought Lacy, turning off the television, and retiring for the
 night,"In disgrace, no-one will see you squirm" 

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AUTHOR : Bat Bastard
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