More Jokes.....
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what is the difference between a prostitute and a Kit-Kat?
you only get four fingers in a Kit-Kat
 
what have a prostitute and the Bermuda Triangle got in common ?
they both swallow seamen
 
what is white and moves across the dance floor
come dancing
 
what is white and moves across a palace floor
kingdom come
 
why is piss yellow and come white ?
so the Irish would know if they were coming or going
 
Why don`t the Irish eat pickles
Because they can not get their heads in the jars
 
did you hear about the Irishman who shagged a princess
He burnt his dick on the exhaust pipe
 
a lesbian went to the doctor for a full checkup
after the examination he said,
"you are perfectly fine and I must congratulate you as you have the cleanest
 fanny I have ever seen !"
she replied
"thank you I have a woman in three times a week"
 
A Manchester university student goes to the doctors with a big ugly warty toad
on his head
the doctor not noticing the toad asks him "What can I do to help you ?"
at which the toad replies "get this horrible growth off my arse !"
 
Quazimodo grabs Ezmarelda and takes here to the top of his bell tower
after a long soppy kiss Ezmarelda says "your not bad looking close up, how big
is your dick ?" (After all she is a gipsy living in the middle ages)
LOB !! Three foot of flesh hits the floor
Ezmarelda s eyes are on stalks, "Fucking hell quaz that`s greever had a blow job ?"
Quaz replies "How do you think I got this Fucking Hump!"
 
Josie has just got married and is sat in bed
Billy her husband has his duck around the door
"are you scared yet ?" he asks
"not yet billy"
Another inch comes round the door
"are you scared yet ?" he asks
"not yet Billy" she replies again
Another inch comes round the door
 
Well to cut a long story short this goes on for quite a while untill about nin inches of Billys dick is round the door
 
"are you scared yet ?" he asks
"not yet billy"
"Well I guess I`m going to have to start coming up the stairs !"
 
Three newly wed couples are on honeymoon
it`s late and they are all going to bed (in three seperate rooms this is not an orgy gang bang joke)
as the first woman removes her bra her husband comments upon the enormity
of her tits
disgusted with him she sends him out in to the corridor
Meanwhile next door the second whife is sending her husband in to the
corridor for commenting on the size of her backside
After about five minutes the third husband comes out on to the landing
"put your foot in it did you" said the first husband
"No, but it was big enough !"
 
How can you tell if a lesbian club is realy tough ?
even the pool table hasn`t got any balls
 A farmer`s son wakes up with an erection one day and asks his father what he
should do with it.  "Rub some cow dung on it," said his father.  The son walks
into the cow shed and picks up two handfuls of dung.  The milk maid asked him
what he was doing. "Getting rid of this," he replied looking down at his pyjama
trousers.  "Don`t do that," she said,"Stick it up here." She lifted up her dress
and pointed.  He did... ...both handfulls.
 
Did you hear that Snow White was thrown out of Disney World ?
She was found sitting in Pinnochio`s face screaming,"Lie, you b***ard, lie !!"
 
What do you give the man that has everything ?
Penicillin.
 
The scene is Jerusalem. A crowd of people are picking up stones ready to stone a
young girl found guilty of having sex before marriage.  Jesus appears and
subdues the angry mob.  He says,"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone"
Then an old lady pushes her way to the front, picks up a large stone and brings
it down on the girl`s head.  Jesus turns to the old woman and says...
 "Oh hell, Ma - why do you always have to spoil things ?"
 
1st student: When did you hurt your hand?
2nd    "   : Coming home from the RAG ball - I was nearly home when some b***ard
             trod on it.
 
Female fresher to male fresher:
 My mummy always told me to be good. Was I ?
 
Some girls can reverse the process of evolution -
 They make monkeys out of men.
 
What do Eskimos and policemen have in common ?
Blue helmets.
 
A nun was thrown out of her convent for doing press-ups in the garden...
   ...in the cucumber patch.
 
What`s the difference between a hedgehog and a capri ?
The hedgehog has pricks on the outside.
 
The only difference between Salford Uinversity and a lunatic asylum is that in
an asylum, you have to show some improvement before you leave.
 
Cardiff University`s nativity play was cancelled after they couldn`t find three
wise men and a virgin.  But they had countless experts on sheep and wiiling to
play shepherds.
 
I DON`T CARE WHO YOU ARE YOU FAT, RED FREAK. GET THOSE REINDEER OF MY ROOF !!!
 
Accounting students do it with interest.
Drama students do it in stages.
Fine art students do it on cartridge paper.
Biology students do it with dead rats.
Aero Eng students do it with their head in the clouds.
Politics students do it in parties.
Psychology students ask why they do it.
Geology students do it with crushed rocks.
Maths students do it by numbers.
Physics students do it relatively well
Electronics students put up no resistance.
English students do it by the book.
B.Ed. students do it with class.
Language students do it with tongues.
Law students don`t do it - they just masturbate.
 

Reckless homosexuals do it with gay abandon.
 
BATH JOKES..
 
Bill and Ben in the bath. Bill goes "FLOBBALOBBALOB"
Ben says "If that smells, I`ll kill you."
 
Bill and Ben in the bath. Bill goes "FLOBBALOBBALOB"
Ben says "If you love me, Bill, you`ll swallow that."
 
Boy and girl in the bath.
Boy :If you don`t stop splashing me, I`ll duck you.
Girl:No you won`t. You can`t even say it properly.
 
Boy and girl in the bath.
Girl: What is that long thing ?
Boy : It`s mine.
Girl: Can I play with it ?
Boy : No !  You`ve broken yours already.
 
                -----
 
B.Ed on teaching practice: What is the meaning of the word indifferent ?
Johnny : Marvellous, miss.
B.Ed : Why do you think that, Johnny ?
Johnny : On Sunday morning, I went past my parents` room and I heard my Mum say
         "Oooh, that`s marvellous."
         And my Dad said "Yes, it`s in different"
 
What`s the funniest thing in the kitchen ?
The washing machine - it can take the p*** out of your knickers.
 
How do you get 10 random numbers ?
Ask a B.Ed student to count to 6 !!
 
Young girl:Mummy, is it true that babies come from the same place that boys put
           their wilies ?
Mother    :Why, yes dear.
Young girl:Well, when my baby comes, will it knock my teeth out ?
 
One morning, Daddy bear came down for breakfast to find his porridge bowl empty.
He angrily growled,"who`s been eating my porridge?"
Baby bear came down next and found his porridge bowl empty too.  "somebody has
gobbled up my porridge," he moaned.  At this moment, Mummy bear stuck her head
round the door and said,"You stupiid  b****rds, I haven`t made it yet!"
 
Why are girls called birds ?
Because of the worms they pick up.
 
Notice in a  church: Members of the congregation are reminded that the box in
                     the porch marked `For the sick` is for monetary
                                    contributions only !!
 
What do you call a Welsh person with a stick up their bum ?
A taffy apple.
 
A recent family planning conference was well attended bar one notable exception,
the Vatican representative who had to pull out at the last moment.
 
1st man: I shot my dog today.
2nd man: Was he mad ?
1st man: Well, he wasn`t very pleased.

 
During a coversation, a little lad asked his mum where he came from. Now the
mother was determined not to feed the child with lies so she took off her dress
and showed him. "Phew, that was close," gasped the lad,"another inch and I`d
have been a turd.
 
Batman: Robin, i`m afraid I`ve got a girl into trouble.
Robin : Holy contraceptives, Batman !!
 
A man flashes at a girl at a party and says,"Do you know what this is ?"
"Well,"she replied doubtfully,"it looks like a penis, only smaller."
 
What`s red and lies in the gutter?
A dead bus !!
 
If you don`t sleep in lectures, when should you sleep ??
 
Two P.E. students saw a cat licking itself. "I wish I could do that," said one.
"Don`t you think you had better pet it first ?" said the other.
 
A man`s beret blew into a cow field - he tried on three before he found the
right one.
 
The train jolted to a halt, a woman asked what was the matter.
"We`ve hit a cow, madam."
"Was it on the tracks ?"
"NO, we had to chase it over a field."
 
HERE`S ONE ABOUT ME...
   Dancing is the vertical expression of horizontal intention.
 
A SEASONAL ONE...
  Do you know why the fairy sits at the top of the Xmas tree ?
  One year, Santa had one tree left over after giving everybody one, and when
  one of his fairy helpers asked what she should do with it, he told her.
  And that`s why.
 
Why do you never get ice in drinks in the union bar ?
Because the fellow with the recipe emigrated.
 
The first sign of madness is talking to yourself.
Schizophrenia is when you start getting answers.
 
What`s the difference between light and hard ?
You can go to sleep with a light on.


THE COUNTRY WAS IN A TERRIBLE STATE,
PARLIAMENT HAD SAT FOR A BUDGET DEBATE,
IT WAS QUITE A FEW MOMENTS BEFORE THATCHER SPOKE,
THEN SHE SAID "SEX WILL COST TWO QUID A POKE"
 
WHETHER YOU'RE LONG,SHORT,SKINNY OR THICK,
A TAX WILL BE PAID ON THE USE OF YOUR PRICK,
THEN TONY BENN SAID "MAGGIE LOOK HERE,
WILL THE TAX STILL APPLY TO THOSE WHO ARE QUEER?"
 
TREASURER LAWSON ROSE AND LOOKED GLUM,
"WILL I BE EXEMPT 'CAUSE I ONLY LIKE BUM?"
MAGGIE REPLIED AND SOUNDED QUITE AIRY,
"YOU WILL PAY DOUBLE YOU DIRTY OLD FAIRY!"
 
UP ROSE DAVID STEEL,TO TREMENDOUS APPLAUSE,
HE GRABBED HOLD OF SHIRLEY AND WHIPPED OFF HER DRAWERS,
HE STRADDLED ACROSS HER AND FUCKED HER AT WILL,
THEN SHOUTED AT MAGGIE "PUT THAT ON YOUR BILL!"
 
MICHAEL FOOT THEN SHOUTED "I THINK I'LL RESIGN,
I HAVE NOT HAD SEX FOR A VERY LONG TIME,
I DREAM EVERY NIGHT OF A BIG JUICY CRUTCH,
BUT TWO QUID A TIME IS A BIT FUCKING MUCH"
 
THE DEBATE CARRIED ON,OH WHAT A SIGHT
KINNOCK SAT WANKING THE WHOLE OF THE NIGHT,
M.P.'S WERE COMING, THE SPEAKER WAS LAST,
AND IN THE EXCITEMENT THE DAMN BILL WAS PASSED.
 
SO NOW IN THE BEDROOMS OF BRITAIN EACH NIGHT,
THERE'S MANY A FANNY THAT'S CLOSED GOOD AND TIGHT.
THEY'RE TAXING OUR BOOZE,THEY'RE TAXING OUR SMOKES,
AND NOW THE BASTARDS ARE TAXING OUR POKES.
 
IF TWO QUID A GRIND IS THE PRICE YOU MUST PAY,
IT'S NOW WITH OURSELVES WE MUST SIT DOWN AND PLAY.
SO TO QUENCH OUR FRUSTRATIONS WE MUST HAVE A WANK,
FOR THE STATE OF THE NATION WE HAVE THATCHER TO THANK.

