
                        Jokes Pack Volume 3

The hospital patient, annoyed by the lack of attention he received
after returning to his hospital room from the intensive-care unit,
exclaimed, "I've gone from I.C.U. to 'no see you'!"
=====================================================================

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley.  "I was in that
new restaurant across the street," said one.  "It's so clean!  The
kitchen is spotless, the floors are gleaming white.  It's so
sanitary the whole place shines." "Please," said the other roach,
frowning.  "Not while I'm eating!"
=====================================================================

An infant rabbit was orphaned.  Fortunately though, a family of
squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. 
This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the
rabbit, including a tendency for it to eschew jumping but rather to
embrace running around like its step-siblings.

   As the rabbit passed through puberty, however, it soon faced an
identity crisis (don't we all!).  It went to its step-parents to
discuss the problem.  It allowed as to how it felt different from
its step-siblings, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was
generally forlorn.  Their response was,

"Don't scurry, be hoppy."
=====================================================================

There once was a 94 year old nun whose wornout body began to
surrender.  Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three
times a day, to relax her tenseness.  However, not to be lured into
worldly pleasures, she huffily declined.  But her mother superior
knew the elderly sister loved milk.  So she instructed the kitchen
to spike the milk three times a day.

Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour.  As the
several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior
asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom... "Oh, yes,"
she replied.

"Never sell that cow!"
=====================================================================

 THE BOSS'S BASIC RULES

 Rule 1: The Boss is always right!

 Rule 2: In the impossible hypothesis that a subordinate may be right,
         becomes immediately operative.

 Rule 3: The boss does not sleep; he rests.

 Rule 4: The Boss is never late; he is delayed elsewhere.

 Rule 5: The Boss never leaves his work; his attention is required
         elsewhere.

 Rule 6: The Boss never reads the paper in his office; he studies.

 Rule 7: The Boss is always chief, even in his bathing togs.

 Rule 8: Whomsoever may enter the boss's office with an idea of his
         own must leave the office with the boss's ideas.

 Rule 9: If, in your lamentable ignorance, you fail to grasp the 
         truth, fear not; return to rule 1.
=====================================================================

        A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the
auditorium went out.

        He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As
soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again. He then
said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: 'Many hands make light
work.'"
=====================================================================

 Cartoon:

Man stands in his doorway in full fishing gear. Man stands opposite
in business attire.

Man 2: I know you're in bed with the flu, John, but I need the key
to the file cabinet.
=====================================================================

i just read about two people who were driving their car around some
town in New Jersey. They had a stick of dynamite with them.

Well, one of them wondered what would happen if they lit the
dynamite and threw it out the window at 3 am. So they lit it up and
tossed it.

Only the window was rolled up.

They were both taken to the hospital, where they underwent surgery.

I think they're recovering, but they have been disinvited to the
next Mensa meeting...
=====================================================================


Man relieves himself on dog: Sparks panic

Rio De Janeiro, Brazil - A Rio neighbourhood went to the dogs and
echoed with the sound of gunfire after a man and a terrier got into
a dispute over a call of nature.

The toilet shootout developed when a beer-filled Brazillian student
went to relieve himself against a tree, Brazilian news agency Estado
reported.

The student mistakenly urinated on a pit bull terrier that was
watering the same vegetation and as a result ended up brawling with
the dog's owner, Estado said.

When the student's friends chased the owner and his dog to a service
station, security guards, thinking a robbery was in progress, fired shots
into the air, bringing police rushing to the scene.

After a brief spell behind bars, however, the two men were reported
to have made up -- over a beer.
=====================================================================

There was a kid who excelled at school in all subects except math.
In desperation his agnostic parents sent him to a Catholic parochial
school to see if the nuns could straighten him out.

The kid immediately buckled down. Every night he went to his room,
closed the door, and studied his math. When report cards came out he
had A's in everything and an A+ in math.

When his parents asked him what made the difference, he replied, "I
knew they meant business the first time I walked into the school.
Right inside the front door they've got a big statue of a guy nailed
to a plus sign."
=====================================================================

   Marketing Buzz Words Translated:

* NEW                  - Different color from previous design
* ALL NEW              - Parts not interchangable with previous
                         design
* EXCLUSIVE            - Imported product
* UNMATCHED            - Almost as good as the competition
* DESIGNED SIMPLICITY  - Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone
* FOOLPROOF OPERATION  - No provision for adjustments
* ADVANCED DESIGN      - The advertising agency doesn't understand it
* IT'S HERE AT LAST!   - Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming
* FIELD-TESTED         - Manufacturer lacks test equipment
* HIGH ACCURACY        - Unit on which all parts fit
* DIRECT SALES ONLY    - Factory had big argument with distributor
* YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one that works
* REVOLUTIONARY        - It's different from our competitiors
* BREAKTHROUGH         - We finally figured out a way to sell it
* FUTURISTIC           - No other reason why it looks the way it does
* DISTINCTIVE          - A different shape and color than the others
* MAINTENANCE-FREE     - Impossible to fix
* RE-DESIGNED          - Previous faults corrected, we hope..
* HAND-CRAFTED         - Assembly machines operated without gloves on
* PERFORMANCE PROVEN   - Will operate through the warranty period
* MEETS ALL STANDARDS  - Ours, not yours
* ALL SOLID-STATE      - Heavy as Bill Clinton with Roseanne on his
                         lap!
* BROADCAST QUALITY    - Gives a picture and produces noise
* HIGH RELIABILITY     - We made it work long enough to ship it
* SMPTE BUS COMPATABILE- When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound
* NEW GENERATION       - Old design failed, mabey this one will work
* MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS  - We got a good deal at a government auction
* CUSTOMER SERVICE 
  ACROSS THE COUNTRY   - You can return it from most airports
* UNPRECEDENTED 
  PERFORMANCE          - Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way
* BUILT TO PRECISION
  TOLERANCES           - We finally got it to fit together
* SATISFACTION 
  GUARANTEED           - Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check
* MICROPROCESSOR 
  CONTROLLED           - Does things we can't explain
* AEROSPACE TECHNOLOGY - One of our techs was laid off by Boeing
=====================================================================

Paddy & Murphy are walking through this wood, when they see a sign
saying 'tree fellers wanted'. Paddy turns to murphy, says 'Ah, 'Tis a
shame there's only two of us!'
=====================================================================

Moishe had started in the second-hand trade but was now one of the
richest businessmen in London. As his Rolls Royce stopped in front of
the Ritz one night an old school chum, who had fallen on hard times,
was waiting for him.

"Hey Moishe, remember me?"

"Eddie Rozenbloom, of course I do. haven't seen you in years. How's
business?"

"Moishe," says Eddie, "I've hit a bad patch. Infact I was wondering
if you could let me have ten pounds for a bed."

"Sure Eddie. Bring it round in the morning!"
=====================================================================

Did you hear about the prawn that went to a disco and pulled a
muscle?
=====================================================================

GEORGE: What instructions did Noah give his sons about fishing off
        the ark?
BILL  : I don't know.
GEORGE: Go easy on the bait, boys. I only have two worms.
=====================================================================

The difference between politics and baseball is that in baseball when
you get caught stealing, you're out.
=====================================================================

Talking to an American lady during a lengthy delay a little while
ago

ME: Have you been on holiday?
AL: Yeah.
ME: What did you think of England?
AL: I loved it, but why are your traffic signals so noisy?
ME: ???
AL: Well, they go beep beep beep.
ME: Oh, that's so that blind people know when to cross.
AL: Oh reeally??  In the States we don't let 'em drive.
=====================================================================

She used to be married to a trapeze artist, but she caught him in
the act........
=====================================================================

Three Strings wanted to drink some beer so they went to Mr.  Rope's
carry-out. The first String says, "I'll show you how to buy beer,"
and goes in.  "I'd like a six-pack of beer, please." Mr. Rope says,
"You're one of those Strings.  We don't serve your kind here.  Get
out of here!"

So the second String says, "Watch me," and goes in.  In his deepest
voice, he says, "I'd like a six-pack of beer, please." Mr.  Rope
says, "You're another one of those Strings.  Get out of here!"

The third String says, "I'll show you how it's done." He curls
himself into a clove-hitch, unravels his head, goes into the
carry-out, and says, "I'd like a six-pack of beer, please." Mr. Rope
asks, "Aren't you one of those Strings?"

       He says, "I'm a FRAYED KNOT!"
=====================================================================

So Paddy and Murphy are in a wild west bar trying to scrounge a pint
off the bartender. They've been at it for about an hour when in
walks this guy with a head under his arm. The bartender jumps up and
gives the guy a sack of gold. Paddy and Murphy are way confused. The
bartender explains.  "I hate the Indians ya' see!" he says "I hates
'em so much I'll give a sack of gold to anyone who brings me an
Indian's head..."

So off Paddy and Murphy go, equipped with rifle, saw, hammer etc.

After a while they find a lone Indian, and they shoot him off a cliff
and down into a ravine. Down go Paddy and Murphy, after him. At the
bottom Paddy starts cutting off the Indian's head while Murphy
stands watch.

After a couple of minute Murphy taps Paddy on the shoulder, says
"Paddy, I think you ought to look at this." Paddy ignores him...
"No, Paddy, I'm serious, you really ought to take a look!!"

Paddy lops off the Indian's head and looks up where Murphy's
pointing. On either side of the ravine there's like, a million
Indians, war paint and the lot. Paddy looks at Murphy with a glint
in his eye and says "Well, I'll be, mate!   We're gonna be
millionaires!"
=====================================================================

The Number You Have Reached.....
Hello, you have reached the office of the New York Board of Rabbis.
Our Rabbi is ready to answer any of your questions.
If you are Orthodox, press 6, 1, 3.
If you are Conservative, press 1 or 2.
If you are Reform, press any button you like.
If you are Reconstructionist, press all the buttons.
If you are Lubavitch, please wait a moment for the Moshiach to answer.
(Beep)

Hello, you have reached the Orthodox Rabbi.
The answer to your question is that it is absolutely forbidden by the
Torah. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8.
(Beep)

Hello, you have reached the Conservative Rabbi.
The answer to your question is that we have ruled that either answer
is acceptable to some of us and neither answer is acceptable to all
of us. We hope that this has been helpful.
If you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8.
(Beep)

Hello, you have reached the Reform Rabbi.
The answer to your question is: If you want to, sure! Why not? Who are
we to say?
However, if you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8.
(Beep)

Hello, you have reached the Reconstructionist Rabbi.
The answer to your question presumes that there is an answer. We have
not decided that issue yet. However, my role is to empower you to 
answer your own question. To answer your own question now, please hang
up....if you are still there.
(Click)
=====================================================================

Two crayfish were in the restaurant's aquarium. It seemed this would
be their last night together, so the male crayfish whispered sweet
nothings in her ear.

She said, "Okay, but will you still respect me in the mornay?"
=====================================================================

*A Chrysanthemum by any other name would be easier to spell.........
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I don't want to say she was fat, but she had more chins than the
Singapore phone book...............
