
The Leprechaun Joke
by David Gerrold

This happened late on a Sunday night in a quiet little convent just outside of
the wee little village of Sandy Cove, which is not too far from Dublin town.
The convent was known as Our Lady of Perpetual Indulgence and the Mother
Superior was Sister Martha Mary Rose Gilhooley Fitzgerald O'Hoolihan of the
southern O'Hoolihans and the northern Fitzgeralds.  (Of course, you know that
nothing fits Gerrold, but that's another story.)

On this particular night in question, it happened that the Mother Superior was
sitting at her writing desk in the big study on the south side of the
building, just overlooking the chapel, the sight of which she found to be
especially calming when she was working on the books for the convent --
because, y'know, even a convent has its expenses to keep up -- and tonight was
one of those nights, it having been a particularly long and trying day; but I
won't get into that here.

Well, as I was saying, the Mother Superior was working on her account books
when these two little leprechauns appeared on her desk.  They just kind of
materialized right there -- y'know, like they'd beamed in.  There was a big
leprechaun, just about knee high to a bottle of paddy's, and there was a
little leprechaun, looking like a very short drink indeed.  They were dressed
all in green, of course, with high boots and buckles, and little green hats
and felt tunics and gherkins and all the other accourtrements.

The little leprechaun was a-laughin' and a-gigglin' like he'd swallowed a
dandelion.  The bigger leprechaun, although he really wasn't that big at all,
looked rather uncomfortable, to say the least.  In fact, he was red-faced and
embarrassed.

Well, the Mother Superior, Sister Martha Mary Rose Gilhooley Fitzgerald
O'Hoolian (etc.) was quite surprised to see the two little leprechauns on her
desk.  Yes, indeed.  Wouldn't you be surprised to have strange little men
materializing in your house? But, to give the lady her due, she reacted as
calmly as can be expected under the circumstances.  After all, Catholics are
used to the occasional miracle.

The little leprechaun, he's pokin' the big one, he's sayin'  "Go ahead,
Shaughnessy -- ask her.  Ask her."  The big one, the uncomfortable-looking
one, he hushes the little one impatiently, and he steps forward as politely as
he can.  He takes his hat off his head, he gives a little bow and he says,
"Beggin' your pardon, Mother Superior.  I know it's late, and I know it's the
Lord's day, but might I be troublin' you for a wee little moment of your
time?"

The Mother Superior was very impressed by the leprechaun's politeness, so she
said to him,  "What can I do for ye, little man?"

The leprechaun took a polite step forward and said,  "Could ye be tellin' me
now, if it's not too much trouble, how many leprechaun nuns do ye have in this
convent?"

The Mother Superior blinked in surprise and said,  "I've never been asked such
a question before.  To be perfectly honest, I'm sorry, we don't have any
leprechaun nuns in this convent at all."

Well, the little leprechaun thought this was so funny, he fell down on the
desktop, laughing and giggling and clutching his sides like his heart might
burst.  He rolled back and forth and nearly kicked over the Mother Superior's
ink-bottle.  "You see," he said.  "You see!  I told ye.  I told ye."

The big leprechaun was not very happy with this answer, and he was even less
happy with the little leprechaun's amusement.  He jerked the little leprechaun
roughly to his feet, slapped him roughly and said,  "Hush with ye, Michael, or
I'll give ye such a thump upside yer head.  I'm not through with me askin'."

And he turned back to the Mother Superior and said,  "In that case, if I might
be troublin' ye for one question more.  Surely you must know, it doesn't have
to be an exact figure, but could ye be tellin' me how many leprechaun nuns
there are in all of Eire, the Emerald Island?"

The Mother Superior thought a bit, this was a much harder question to answer,
and she said:

"Well, I have done a bit of travelin' for the Arch-Diocese, so I have been to
a fair number of convents up and down the coast. I'm so sorry to disappoint
ye, little man, but I've never met a leprechaun nun anywhere in Eire, never
even heard of one.  No, I'd have to guess that there aren't any leprechaun
nuns at all anywhere in all of Ireland."

Well, this response was so funny to Micheal, the little leprechaun, that he
just purely toppled right off the edge of the desk and into the Mother
Superior's waste-basket, where he lay there gigglin' like a drunken cityman.
"I told ye,"  he said. "I told ye."  The big leprechaun stepped to the edge of
the desk and looked down at him and said,  "Hush with ye, Michael, or I'll
give ye a taste of me shilleleagh."  And he did, as soon as the little
leprechaun had composed himself enough to climb back up onto the desk.

Now, the big leprechaun was looking very upset.  In fact, sweat was pouring
off his brow, and he fingered his collar nervously. He turned back to the
Mother Superior, Sistery Martha Mary Rose Gilhooley Fitzgerald O'Hoolihan, and
he said,  "Might I be troublin' ye for one more question, Mother Superior.
Could ye be tellin' me -- how many leprechaun nuns are there in all of the
Holy Roman Empire?  In the Catholic Church, worldwide, under all of the Lord's
great skies, ye don't have to be accurate -- a ballpark guesstimate will do --
could ye be tellin' me, how many leprechaun nuns are there in the world?"

Now it was the Mother Superior's turn to look unhappy.  She said, "Look,
little man, I've tried very hard to be polite with ye. I've tried very hard
not to hurt your feelin's.  But the hard truth of the matter is this:  there
aren't any leprechaun nuns anywhere in the entire world.  I've never in my
life heard of such a thing.  No.  And I, certainly, would have heard of a
leprechaun nun, if such a thing existed.  It just doesn't exist. There are no
nuns that are leprechauns.  There are no leprechauns that are nuns.  None.
There are no leprechaun nuns at all. Period.  None at all."

At this news, the littlest leprechaun was so beside himself with hilarity and
amusement that he wet his very pants.  He poked the big leprechaun sharply in
the ribs and he said,  "Y'see, Shaugnessy.  I told ye.  Ye, stupid coot!  YE
FOCKED A PENGUIN!!"

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