News Flash:

Microsoft announced today their purchase of the rights to the Rolling Stones
song, "Satisfaction", for use in their Windows '95 advertising blitz. The song's
theme, "I Can't Get No...Satisfaction" is to become the slogan for the entire
Windows marketing effort. "We decided to finally tell the truth about our OS",
said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates, "Because, the fact is, with our longstanding
monopoly in the operating systems market, we no longer feel the need to satisfy
our customers' needs".

In an exclusive interview, Gates admitted that "Everyone has known all along that
Windows is a complete loss. We know that we will never produce a workable
operating system so long as we try to maintain reverse compatibility, and it's
clear that that nobody wants an operating system that isn't fully Windows 3.1 and
DOS compatible. We screwed the world a long time ago, and there's no point in
denying it anymore. Consequently, we no longer feel the need to pretend to care
about our users, and our advertising campaign reflects that."

Asked why Microsoft is advertising a product that they know they will sell
anyway, Gates responds, "Why not? We have so much money now that we don't know
what to do with it. Besides, after buying rights to most of the world's great
art, I figured we might as well start picking away at some cultural icons. After
all, if corporations didn't step in to manage artistic experiences, people might
use the art to develop ideas of their own, and that would be a marketing
disaster."

Rolling Stones vocalist Mick Jagger told reporters "Yeah, I said they could have
[the song] when hell freezes over." Inspired by this, a Microsoft lawyer
immediately parachuted into Jagger's estate carrying a quill pen and a vial of
blood. It has not been determined whether Jagger actually signed an agreement,
but sources have confirmed the existence of a secret, multimillion dollar
operation to pump liquid nitrogen into abandoned oil wells, which some claim is
associated with this pact. Satan, the president and CEO of Hell, could not be
reached for comment, but rumours of his close ties with Gates have been
circulating for years. A recent request to L.L. Bean, the prominent mail-order
clothing company, for thousands of "brimstone-resistant" wool caps with "two
holes in the forehead" of each provides further evidence of imminent climactic
change in the underworld.

An anonymous Apple Computer evangelist expressed mixed feelings about the
announcement. "If you look at the real theme of this song", he explained, "it's
about sexual inadequacy. You see why Microsoft has been so successful. They're
marketing software to the intellectual equivalent of frustrated teenage virgins,
and they identify with the pain of never getting what they want."

Asked if Apple is going to use this opportunity to increase its market share, he
continued: "Absolutely. Our new operating system, code named 'Copland', is going
to be the center of a huge multi-media experience. We're going to go to the
mountains and have an orchestra play Copland's 'Appalachian Spring' in the middle
of an empty field, while a hundred interpretive dancers wrapped in aluminum foil
express the joy of being a Macintosh user. We're sure that this will gain us a
major foothold in the business world."
