
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                    Humor: Medical (140) - Part 2
                          January 23, 1992
                    bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu                      
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  [76]
  A twin is born.
  Mother happy.
  Father happy.
  Mother: "Just look at them lovely babies..."
  Father takes one by the head, and the little neckie breaks.
  Doctor rushes in: "How could you DO that?"
  Father: "'twas easy: look!"
  ==
  
  [77]
  An elderly couple went into a doctor.  They told the doctor "We're having
  some trouble with our sex life.  Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"
  The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex therapist.  You should find someone else."
  The couple said, "No, No, we trust you."
  
  After watching them have sex, the doctor said, "You don't seam to be having
  any troubles.  I wish my sex life was as good.  I can't give you any 
  suggestions."
  
  This was repeated the next week and also the third week.  After they had
  finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble. 
  Is this your idea of kinky sex?"
  
  The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my
  wife will catch us.  If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. 
  The motel charges us $50, and we can't afford that.  You only charge $35, and
  medicare pays half of that."
  ==
  
  [78]
  How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  -That depends on whether it has health insurance.
  - Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
    installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
  ==
  
  [79]
  A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.  As she takes off her
  blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest.  "How did you get that mark on
  your chest?" asks the doctor.  "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's 
  so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when
  we make love," she replies.
  
  A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.  As she takes
  off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest.  "How did you get that
  mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.  "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and
  he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when
  we make love," she replies.
  
  A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.  As she takes
  off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest.  "Do you have a 
  boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.  "No, but I have a girlfriend at
  Wisconsin.  Why do you ask?"
  ==
  
  [80a]
  This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some
  time, and finally went to a doctor.  After a thorough exam, the 
  physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not 
  exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure
  for them: you'll have to be castrated."
  
  The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he
  believed he would try to bear the pain.
  
  But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the
  poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.  "All right, I guess I'll
  have the operation," he said.  When it was all over, the man was 
  understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you
  begin life anew.  Start over from this point."
  
  So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a
  new set of clothes.  The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks
  like you take about a 38-regular".  "That's right", exclaimed the man,
  "How'd you know?"
  
  "Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty
  good at sizing a man up", replied the salesman.  "Now, for a shirt, looks
  like about a 15 long."  "Right again," the man said.
  
  The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36."
  "There's your first mistake", the man said, "I've worn 34's for years."
  
  "No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one", said the owner.  The man
  replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34".
  
  The owner replied, "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch
  your balls and give you headaches!!"

  *OR*

  [80b]
  A really handsome man had a high sqeuaky voice.  He was surrounded by
  girls except they ran off at the sound of his voice.  So he went to the
  doctor.  The doctor said he could fix the problem by cutting off the
  mans penis.  The man agreed to the surgery, and sure enough hios vooice
  went to normal and he was surrounded by women.  

  Later he decided to get a whole new wardrobe.  The tailor took a look
  at him and rattled of figures ending up with underwear size 36.  The man
  said no I wear size 30.  The tailor said, "I've been doing this for years
  trust me.  If you wore size thirty you voice would be high and squeaky."
  ==
  
  [81]
  A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor
  had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her.  She was a
  little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
  
  "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but
  I'm afraid that you're giving me too much.  I've started growing hair
  in places that I've never grown hair before."
  
  The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
  side effect of testosterone.  Just where has this hair appeared?"
  
  "On my balls."
  ==
  
  [82]
  A woman was going to marry one of those guys that want a virgin.
  Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.
  The doctor told her that will cost around $500, but there is an 
  another way that will cost only $50.
  
  The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor
  worked on her for several minutes.
  
  After the "first night" the woman came back to the doctor and told
  him that it was perfect.  The pain, the blood, everything was there. 
  And she asked him how he did it.
  
  "I tied your pubic hair," he answered.
  ==
  
  [83]
  Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress,
  	 I keep losing my temper with people.
  
  Doctor:  Tell me about your problem.
  
  Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!
  ==
  
  [84]
  Woman:  Doctor, my husband tells me my pussy's too big. So I'd like you to
          tell me if you find it unusual.
  
  Doctor: Please, take off your clothes and I'll have you examined.
  
  Doctor(shouting): What a giant pussy!!  What a giant pussy!!
  
  Woman(angry): Did you have to say it twice?!?
  
  Doctor: I didn't.
  ==
  
  [85]
  Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home.
  
  The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems.  I'm seventy years old.
  Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate.  All day
  long I try to urinate.  They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing
  helps."
  
  The second old man says, "You think you have problems.  I'm eighty years
  old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels.  I try all
  day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
  
  Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every
  morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate.  Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels.
  Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
  ==
  
  [86]
  A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem.
  I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."
  
  The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and
  the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.
  
  "Well, what is it?" he asks.
  
  "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have
  appeared on the inside of my thighs.'
  
  The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.
  Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?"
  
  The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have."
  
  "Thats the problem," the doctor says, "Tell him his ear-rings aren't made
  of gold!!!"
  ==
  
  [87]
  This young couple had only been married for about two weeks when the
  wife complains of a burning sensation in her chest. She tells her husband 
  who suggests that she goes to the doctor to be examined. She arranges an 
  appointment and goes the following day.
  
  The husband, while at work receives a call from the doctor.
  
  Doctor:  "I am sorry to say your wife has acute angina..."
  
  Husband: "Yeah, I know, she's also got a nice pair of tits too!"
  ==
  
  [88]
  Seems a mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend
  of his (also a mute).  In sign language, he inquired how his friend had
  been doing.
  
  The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit.  I can talk
  now."
  
  Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details.  Seems he had gone to a 
  specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment 
  program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.
  
  Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist.  They
  got an appointment that very afternoon.
  
  After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage,
  that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that
  there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.
  
  "Yes, yes" signed the mute.  "Let's have the first treatment right now!"
  
  "Very well," replies the specialist.  "Kindly go into the next room, drop
  your pants and lean over the examining table.  I'll be right in."
  
  The mute does as instructed, and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick,
  mallet and jar of Vaseline.  Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home"
  with a few deft swipes of the mallet.
  
  The mute jumps from the table, screaming "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
  
  "VERY good," smiles the doctor.  "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'"
  ==
  
  [89]
  There was a pediatrician--who shall remain nameless--who, though he was a
  good doctor, was heartily disliked by all his young patients because in an
  effort to entertain them he performed boring magic tricks.  
  	
  One day, a sharp kid got an idea for getting rid of the jerk.  As Dr. X
  was doing his tricks, the kid said, "If you're such a good magician, let's
  see you turn yourself into an apple."  The doctor complied, and quick as
  a wink, the brat took & shoved the apple into a box & taped the lid shut.
  The children were jubilant because they figured they had him out of their
  way.
  
  Then someone had a troubling thought.  "How do we know he's still really
  in there?" he asked.   "That's easy," said the kid, "Just weigh the box.
  If it weighs less, it means he's escaped."  So that was what they did.
  
  The moral of this story?  A weigh a day keeps the doctor an apple.
  ==
  
  [90]
  There was this doctor that always went to the country club and ordered an
  almond daiquiri.  It was his standard.  Anyway, one day the bartender was
  out of almonds so he substituted something else.  The doctor came in and
  ordered the usual.  When he got it, he tasted it and said to the bartender
  " Hey, is this my usual almond daiquiri?"
  
  The bartender replied, " No, that is a hickory daiquiri, doc."
  ==
  
  [91]
  A man went to a doctor.  Some say he went there to have an operation to
  become Polish; others say he wanted to become an Aggie; there's yet
  another faction who claims that he wanted to work at the post office; still
  others say he wanted to make his hair permanently blond.  Regardless, the
  doctor asked him why, and he said it was something he always wanted to do,
  how he wanted to be able to relate to his friends, all of whom I suppose
  were blond Polish graduates of Texas A&M who had found jobs at the local
  P.O. :-)

  Anyway, the doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply,
  the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal
  of over half of his brain.  The man insisted, and since the doctor just
  happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap just the right
  portions of brain tissue (a product of Scar Wars technology, I suppose),
  the operation was planned.
  
  The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man's
  declining IQ on a nice LED display.  The doctor threw the switch and the
  numbers began ticking off.  95, 94, 93, ...  Suddenly the phone rang.
  It was the doctor's wife.  They gabbed for minutes on end, the doctor
  forgetting completely about his patient.  When he hung up, he suddenly
  realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick
  down: 6, 5, 4, ...
  
  He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was
  about to wipe out the last remnant of brain.  "Jesus, Matty and Felipe!"
  exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done?  Speak to me!  Say anything!!"
  
  The man looked at him and said, "Hi, you're watching MTV, and we just
  heard..."
  ==
  
  [92]
  Man goes to doctor.  Says he's depressed.  Says life seems harsh and cruel. 
  Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is
  vague and uncertain.  Doctor says the treatment is simple.  The great clown
  Pagliacci is in town tonight.  Go and see him.  That should pick you up.
  The man bursts into tears.

  "But doctor . . . I am Pagliacci."
  ==
  
  [93]
  Fred walks into a psychiatrists office one day and says to the psychiatrist,
  "Doc, I don't understand what's going on with me.  It's really strange,
  sometimes I feel like a teepee."
  
  The doctor thinks about it for a while and then urges the man to continue.
  
  So, the man continues, "And sometimes I feel like a wigwam."
  
  To which the doctor says "I wouldn't worry about it, Fred, you're just two
  tents."
  ==
  
  [94]
  A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office.  Was it true, the woman
  wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the
  rest of her life?  She was told that it was.  There was a moment of silence
  before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my
  condition is.  This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'".
  ==
  
  [95]
  There once was a poor lad named Timmy who had the misfortune of being
  born with only a head -- no arms, no legs, nothing but a head.
  
  Now Timmy was a basicly happy person and he was loved and cared for by 
  his family.  As long as he stayed within the shelter of his family he 
  was unworried by his condition, but as soon as he was thrust out into the
  world he knew that something was seriously wrong.  He began to dream about
  being a whole person with arms and legs and a body.  He thought of nothing 
  else.  It became an obsession.
  
  Then one day Timmy heard of the famous Dr. Helen Von Rigginbottom, a 
  physician who had been experimenting with cloning and tissue regeneration.
  Timmy grew so excited he could hardly contain himself.  He had himself
  rushed to the doctor and made an appointment.
  
  When the doctor met with Timmy all of his hopes and dreams came true.
  The doctor assured Timmy that she could help him and would make him into
  a whole person, but she warned him that it could be a dramatic change and
  he should consider all of the ramifications. She began to list some of the
  many problems he might have, but he would not listen. She consented and 
  game Timmy the injection that would start the process.  Timmy went home and
  tossed and turned on his pillow all night. Eventually, he fell asleep.
  
  The next morning when he awoke Timmy was surprised to discover that he was 
  a whole person.  He had arms and legs and a body.  He was so excited and
  grateful that he just had to thank the doctor, so he ran out of the house,
  across the street and was hit by a truck and killed.
  
  And of course the moral of our story is: While you're a head, stay ahead.
  ==
  
  [96]
                 When The Shoe's On The Other Foot
                         by Art Buchwald
  
  	It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
  emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony.  Doctor Green
  came over to see him.
  	"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
  court when you accused me of malpractice."
  	"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
  it be?"
  	"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
  	"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
  know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
  	"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
  	"What are you talking about?"
  	"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
  everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
  	"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
  	"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
  out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
  	"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
  	"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
  Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.
  Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it
  when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an
  Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin
  headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
  	"Why are you reading that to me?"
  	"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
  a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
  	"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
  	"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
  sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
  	"Then get me another doctor."
  	"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
  after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
  This is the only place that I can practice."
  	"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally
  appeal your case to a higher court."
  	"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for
  a kidney stone."
  	"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
  looking at him."
  	"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
  you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize
  into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher
  of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
  to be in a lot of pain.' "
  	"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
  ounce of Demerol?"
  	"I better check you out first."
  	"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
  	"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
  examined the patient completely.  It would be negligent of me if I didn't
  do it now.  Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
  	"What for?"
  	"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued
  and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
  	"I'm not going to sue you."
  	"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
  after you pass the kidney stone?"
  
  >From: American Medical News, p.4, July 18, 1986
  (reprinted in AMN with permission of the author, LA Times Syndicate, 1986)
  ==
  
  [97]
  Patient to eye-doctor: "I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation,
                         doctor.  What are the chances? "
  
  Eye-doctor to patient: "Don't worry you won't be able to see the difference."
  ==
  
  [98a]
  Did you hear about the old guru who wouldn't allow the dentist to use any
  anesthetic on him?
  
  He wanted to transcend dental medication.

  *OR*

  [98b]
  You know, my dentist thinks of railways to relax.
  Ah yes, trains-and-dental meditation.
  ==
  
  [99]
  While looking for a Real Job (read: technical writing), I've been paying
  the bills doing medical transcription work.  I came across a book today 
  called "The Empty Laugh Book" by the American Association for Medical
  Transcription, containing some of the funniest dictated and transcribed 
  quotes from the world of medicine that I've ever encountered.  Some of the
  best follow: 
  (c) 1981 AAMT
  
  d: Hesselbach's triangle
  t: House of Ox triangle
  
  d: Foot is cold with a purplish hue
  t: Foot is cold with a purple shoe
  
  d: Patient is a primip.
  t: Patient is a prime rib.
  
  d: Patient was followed up by the Neurology Service.
  t: Patient was fouled up by the Neurology Service.
  
  d: Varicose veins
  t: Very close veins
  
  d: Patient underwent a tubal ligation.
  t: Patient underwent a two-ball ligation.
  
  d: Dr. Blank concurred with the diagnosis.
  t: Dr. Blank conquered the diagnosis.
  
  d: If I may be of any help to you in the future along the way, please feel
  free to make an appointment for further evaluation in the meantime.
  
  d: When this man straightens his head and puts it under his chin, he
  gets some relief.
  
  d: The patient was placed under the microscope.
  
  d: Extremities:  The patient wears a toupee and there is a right inguinal
  hernia.
  
  d: Patient has pain after intercourse in his chest.
  
  d: Mother died at age 91, has good health and is active mentally.
  
  d: Surgeries: Appendectomy, T&A, and bilateral breast bi-zippies.
  
  d: [On an operative report, the surgical assistants]: In the left corner we
  have Billy, in the center puttering around with her little paws is Molly,
  and dancing around to my right is Daisy, and this is yours truly.
  
  d: Get this: 100 mg., enough for a small hippo!
  
  d: This is a letter to O.B. Tate.  Dear O.B. No, Dear Ms. Tate -- I don't
  know, maybe it's a man.  Dear person Tate.  I don't know what you say.  Dear
  person Tate.  No, you can't say that.  Dear Ms. Tate.  Oh, make something up.
  
  d: The patient was taken to delivery where she gave birth to a male-female
  infant.  Oops!  There isn't any such thing, is there?
  
  d: His tongue was slightly hairy.  Yes, that's what I said, hairy.
  
  d: The patient had a deformity of the chest, the name of which I can never
  remember at the proper time.
  
  d [On phone to the x-ray technician]: I'm sending over a hand.  Maybe an
  arm will come later.  Maybe a body will come with it.
  
  d: This is the phantom of the phone.
  
  d: The patient is here with a rash which I sent over to Dr. Blank.
  
  d: The patient went to the bathroom shortly after the sigmoidoscopy and 
  produced a prolapse, which she brought back to the office.
  
  d: He was discharged to home with the Visiting Nurses following him.
  
  d: Despite treatment, the patient improved.
  
  d: She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions
  in early December.
  
  d: Smokes two packs per day and consumes one quart of alcohol per day for
  past 10 years.  Admitted with diagnosis of shortness of breath and increasing
  abdominal girth, etiology unknown.
  
  d: Family history: Mother, age 87, is a diabetic.  Father lives with an
  ulcer.
  
  d: We do not feel this patient has any significant physical disease at the
  present time, and for this reason we have advised her to return to you.
  
  d: The patient said she was too sick to be in the hospital and would return
  when she felt better.
  
  d: Patient became pregnant with an IUD.
  
  d: Because of the age of the patient, speed was increased for fear of the
  patient going bad on the table.
  
  d: Both marital problems are teenagers.
  
  d: Patient took 6 Zactrin tablets given him by his dentist with a bizarre
  suicide note.
  
  d: On exam, he has cigarettes in his front pocket.
  
  d: He breaks out with cats.
  
  d: Patient slipped on the porch when she went out to feed the birds
  and broke her ankle.  The birds were not injured.
  
  d: Patient had a spontaneous vaginal hysterectomy.
  
  d: The barium enema on the phone was within normal limits.
  
  d: Contusion of the leg secondary to nausea and vomiting.
  
  d: It is my feeling at this time still that Mr. Blank is still in need of
  surgical correction in order to provide a more definitive direction and
  solution to the problem that is at hand.
  
  d: The patient, be he dead or alive, needs a doctor's order to be released.
  
  d: Here a pain, there a pain, everywhere a pain, pain.
  
  d: Past History: Four children and an appendectomy.
  
  d: The only complaint of this 74 year old woman is that the wind keeps
  blowing her off her motorcycle and she suffers aches and pains because
  of this.
  
  d: This child will probably be shorter than he wants to be, but he should
  have picked different parents.
  
  d: I gave the x-rays to the patient to carry with him so he could show and
  tell.
  
  d: Preoperative diagnosis: Had enough kids.  Desires tubal ligation.
  
  d: The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  
  d: Patient was in an auto accident in 1965 and sustained a whiplash injury
  for which she received heat and exercise and $3,000 compensation.
  
  d: Physical examination revealed a garrulous, obese woman who was short of
  breath on motion but not on talking.
  
  d: Patient is a 28 year old white male who was playing his first league
  game of the season when he was sliding into home plate.  The patient was
  safe, but his ankle was out.
  
  d: He was a very pleasant person to talk with until he discovered that I am
  a psychiatrist.  At that point, he became markedly hostile and belligerent,
  threatening to do great bodily harm to me if I did not leave the room 
  immediately.  The interview, therefore, was terminated very rapidly and a
  complete mental status is indeed not possible.
  
  d: I don't think I have ever run into anything quite like this patient;
  however, I think with a great deal of courage, keeping our eyes upward,
  moving onward and upward, maybe we shall push through to the ultimate
  victory as England did in those dark days of Dunkirk.  I now find that she
  is tired and she is nervous and she is not awake enough and she is not 
  asleep enough.  She is not right enough, left enough, up enough, and she
  is not down enough.  I have decided that this whole thing can be cured by
  that magic pill which I will get from the pharmacy.  This little bottle of
  pills will probably go into her purse along with seven other bottles
  of pills of which she takes only about one half.  She can't handle the _____
  so I told her to take [a vitamin preparation].  This has a little booze
  in it and may help her.  She will return in one month.
  
  d: He has never been married except once for three days when he was on an
  acid trip.
  
  d: History and Physical: Mrs. Blank is a 64 year old black widow.
  
  d: The patient was evaluated by an orthopedist, but impression of his con-
  sultation is unknown, as I cannot read his writing.
  
  d: She was taken to surgery on the 9th, as per operative report.  She made
  a good postoperative recovery and was seen in the clinic the morning
  following surgery.  Following that, she was lost in confusion, and
  repeated attempts to locate her through the hospital information center
  failed to locate the patient until the morning of the 15th when she
  phoned me stating that she was still in the hospital in room 5309 ...
  Her unusual length of stay in the hospital was not intentional and it was
  due to misunderstanding and confusion and inability to locate the patient
  until Tuesday ... The patient's hospital course was uneventful and she was
  discharged.
  
  d: She states that her husband took downers and she took uppers so the
  relationship did not work out.
  ==
  
  [100]
  Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late
  for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do
  something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told
  him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the
  alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to
  work.
  
  "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
  
  "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
  ==
  
  [101]
  Well, there was this guy who'd been living a really great life as an
  art dealer in New York City, making tons of money and everything. He was
  30 and fixed for life, a millionaire, when he went to the doctor and
  found out that he had a very rare bone disease that was sure to kill him
  before he reached 31. So he went around the country, visiting hospitals
  and specialists, but no one was able to help him. The answer was always
  the same: "it's incurable, extremely rare, no one has ever found
  anything that has the slightest effect on the disease." And already the
  guy was starting to disintegrate; you know, they had to amputate an arm,
  it would be a foot next... he was real desperate. And then he heard from
  a friend of a friend of a doctor that there was this guy, a kind of
  warlock, in Australia no less, who had spent years developing a potion
  that cured all bone disorders! The guy's name was Dr. Mersey. It all
  seemed sorta dubious, but with one month left to live he wasn't going to
  turn anything down. Besides, what the heck, he'd always wanted to visit
  Australia...
  
  So, anyway, there he went the next day. When he arrived, it took him a
  week to fly, be driven, and finally (with a great deal of difficulty)
  hike to Mersey's place. He finally got there -- three weeks to live, and
  his right foot had fallen off along the way -- and was rewarded with
  the sight of a really huge tin shack with a kind of chimney/smokestack
  thing on top, and evil-looking dense brown smoke pouring out of the top,
  and surrounded by eucalyptus trees.
  
  Dr. Mersey came out to greet the guy (he'd been notified by radio-telephone)
  and told him about the treatment. "It's a potion brewed out of eucalyptus
  and koala bears and boiled for two years before it's drunk. Luckily I have
  some just ready. It tastes terrible, you'll vomit for days, and your hair
  will fall out, but you will be cured." The guy wasn't too pleased at the
  first part but he figured anything was better than dying.
  
  So Mersey gave him a tour of the place, There was the hopper where the
  koala bears were stuffed in (live!) and a vat where they were boiled for
  years. Horrid lumps were floating around and the evil brown smoke was
  emanating fiercely. Finally the stuff dripped out of a little pipe into
  a rusty can. It was brown and oily and had hairs and pieces of koala
  meat and bone floating around in it. The doctor says, "Here, drink
  this." The poor guy asked the doctor, "Couldn't you filter out the...
  stuff.. that's floating in it, first?"
  
  And the doctor, shaking his head sadly, says, "The koala tea of Mersey is
  not strained..."
  ==
  
  [102]
  Lawyer:  Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?
  Doctor:  No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
  ==
  
  [103]
  A WASP was driving his car at Sonoma County, where is a large mental
  hospital, he realizes that one of the tires of his car is flat.  He
  stops his car, looks outside. There is nobody around.  Also he realizes
  that the road he was riding was near the mental hospital.  In short he
  realizes that there is no available cheap labor to change the flat tire.  
  
  The WASP takes the spare tire out, jacks up the car, removes the tire,
  puts the nuts in the hub cap and while trying to get the spare tire,
  trips over the hub cap and all the nuts go down a nearby storm sewer.
  There he is, a WASP near a mental hospital, away from any cheap labor,
  helpless.  Suddenly he hears someone yelling "Hey you! ", looks and finds
  that there is someone inside the mental hospitals' yard (behind the bars).
  
  The patient behind the bars says, "I have been watching you for a while
  and saw the terrible thing happened to you, I think I can help."
  
  "How?" asks the WASP.
  
  "Easy," says the loonie, "Take one nut from each of the other three wheels
  and put it on the fourth wheel, then if you are careful you will make it to
  the nearest gas station."
  
  "You are very smart" says the WASP to the loonie and continues, 
  "Why did they locked you in?"
  
  "They put me in because I am a loonie," the guy tells the WASP and
  continues, "Not because I am stupid."
  ==
  
  [104]
  At a mental hospital the staff found some of the patients were gaining
  weight, so they were put on a diet of a glass of Tab and one apple for lunch.
  After eating their light lunch, the group would start to sing to everyone
  else.  This became known as the "Moron Tab and Apple Choir".
  ==
  
  [105]
  A coffin was being moved when it fell on a wagon, and started down the hill.
  One of the morticians started chasing it, as it rolled pass the hospital,
  the mortician yelled to one of the men with a black bag, "Doc, quick, give
  me something to stop this coffin."
  ==
  
  [106]
  Sign for a gynecologist who doubles as a general practitioner:
  
  			DOCTOR FOR WOMEN
  		       AND OTHER DISEASES
  ==
  
  [107]
  A young women at the hospital was given a private room.  
  She was too cute for wards.
  ==
  
  [108]
  Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite
  ill lady appeared in a Rochester  hospital emergency room, having driven
  herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking
  lot.  The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get
  an ambulance?"
  
  The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."
  
  (...this one is true!)
  ==
  
  [109]
  Swifties:
  
  "Have a ride in my new ambulance", said Tom hospitably.
  
  "The doctors had to remove a bone from my arm", said Tom
  humorlessly.
  
  "I never get lost", said the pathologist.
  
  "I've got all the work I can handle", said the doctor patiently.
  ==
  
  [110]
  An anxious woman goes to her doctor.  "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can
  you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
  
  "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
  ==

  [111]
  Some excerpts from the _Quarterly Review of Doublespeak_ (NCTE):

  A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded
  the following on the patient's chart:  "Patient failed to fulfill his
  wellness potential."

  Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
  of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
  ==

  [112]
  This guy goes to his doctor to ask him a question.  The doctor says,
  "What can I do for you?"
  "Well doctor, I have a question for you.  I masturbate, and I was
  wondering how often is too often."
  "Hmmm," the doctor says, "how often do you do it?"
  "Three times a day." the man says.
  "Yeah, that might be a little excessive.  Have you considered finding
  yourself a girlfriend?"
  "I have a girlfriend, doctor", says the man.
  "I mean a girlfriend for the bedroom as well...", the doctor says.
  The man says "Oh, she is, that's not the problem.  The problem is,
  she doesn't like to do it during mealtimes."
  ==

  [113]
  A doctor was at the beach when he saw a shark in the water and fainted
  dead away. Later when he woke his wife said to him, "You've got to quit
  imagining that there are lawyers everywhere!"
  ==

  [114]
  A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better
  times...  He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says,
  "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned
  out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!"

  The man walks home (deeply depressed, of course); his wife is already
  expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said
  concerning his problem.  He tells her what the doc told him.

  She says: " Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we
  should make a list!"  He replies, "Yes, i already made a list on the way
  home; sorry your name is not on it!"
  ==

  [115]
  A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.  Shortly after he recovers
  from his an anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him:
  "Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you."
  "Give me the bad news first, Doc." says the patient.
  "I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son."
  "Oh my god!" the patient cries, breaking into tears.
  "But the good news", the doctor adds, "is that we had them biopsied and
  you'll be relieved to know that they weren't malignant!"
  ==

  [116]
  ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM

  For years and years they told me,
      "Be careful of your breasts.
  Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
          And give them monthly tests."
  
  So I heeded all their warnings
          And protected them by Law...
  Guarded them very carefully,
          And always wore a bra.
  
  After 30 years of careful care,
          The doctor found a lump.
  He ordered a mammogram
          To look inside that clump.
  
  "Stand very close," she said,
          As she got my tit in line,
  "And tell me when it hurts," she said,
          "Ah Yes!  There!  That's just fine."
  
  She stepped upon a pedal...
          I could not believe my eyes!
  A plastic plate was pressing down...
          My boob was in a vice!!!
  
  My skin was stretched and stretched
          From way up by my chin.
  And my poor tit was being squashed
          To Swedish pancake thin!!!
  
  Excruciating pain I felt,
          Within its vice-like grip.
  A prisoner in this vicious thing,
          My poor defenseless tit!
  
  "Take a deep breath," she said to me
          Who does she think she's kidding?
  My chest is smashed in her machine,
          I can't breathe and woozy I am getting.
  
  "There, that was good," I heard her say
          As the room was slowly swaying,
  "Now let's get the other one,"
          "Lord, have mercy," I was praying.
  
  It squeezed me from the up and down,
          It squeezed me from both sides,
  I'll bet she's never had this done
          To her tender hide!
  
  If I had no problem when I came in,
          I surely have one now...
  If there had been a cyst in there,
          It would have popped  KER--POW!!!
  
  This machine was made by a man,
          Of this I have no doubt...
  I'd like to get his balls in there
          For months he'd go "without"!!!!!!
  ==
  
  [117]
  A southern gentleman  goes to the doctor to have a vasectomy.
  On the day of his surgery, he arrives at the doctor's
  office dressed in a tuxedo.

  When the doctor questions the man's attire, the man drawls,

  "I wanna look impotent if I'm gonna be impotent!"
  ==

  [118]
  A man went to see a doctor because of a very high, squeaky, annoying voice.
  The doctor examined him, and told him that the only way would be to replace
  his extremely large penis with a smaller one.  The guy is desperate and
  decides to go through with the operation.  It's a great success and the
  man has a fantastic baritone.

  But after some time the guy's sex life deteriorates and he decides to see
  the doctor to try get his original equipment back.  He says to the doctor,
  "Doctor, is there any way that you could get me my organ back, my sex life
  has gone to pot."

  "Not on your life!!" the doctor replies in a high, squeaky, annoying voice.
  ==

  [119]
  There was this eighty-year-old man who was seeing the doctor for a checkup.
  The doctor asked why he needed the checkup.  The man was getting married
  next month to a girl 60 years his junior.  The doctor tried to talk him
  out of the marriage, and it didn't work.  However, the doctor suggested,
  "If you want your marriage to last, I say you at least take in a boarder."

  The old man agreed.

  The old man didn't see the doctor for a year, when they met at a fund-
  raiser.

  The old man says, "Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant."

  "That's good news," said the doctor. "I knew the boarder would help."

  "Oh," said the old man with a wicked grin, "and the boarder's pregnant
  as well."
  ==

  [120]

  A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor
  people.  Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it
  was imperative that he make the best possible impression.

  On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in
  large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA".
  The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA"....

  Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate
  these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid.

  After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing 
  inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out.

  Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and 
  then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic 
  suggested that he visit a dentist.

  Well although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help,
  he visited one anyway. 

  Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem"

  "What is it?" the man asked. 

  "Why you have an abscess," said the dentist.

  "An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man.

  "That's easy," replied the dentist.

  "Why everyone knows...Abscess makes the fart go Honda."
  ==

  [121]
  THE DOCTOR 
  (Toxic Custard Workshop)
  
  In the waiting room you wait your turn.
  Don't breathe in if you don't want germs.
  Come into my office and have a seat,
  I'm Doctor Killer, pleased to meet
  
  Hello there, you say you're ill?
  Better cough up, 'cos I don't bulk-bill.
  Lie down here; does it hurt?
  I'll put this cold thing up your shirt.
  
  Then I'll stick this thing up your nose,
  While you take off all your clothes.
  Lots of probes, and then some.
  In your ear and up your bum.
  Ah ha! I know what's wrong with you!
  Much more serious than just the flu.
  What would you like, a box of pills?
  I do hope that you've made a will.
  
  Take ten of these ten times a day;
  Now piss off; on the way out, pay.
  Oh dear, he's dead, where's that nurse?
  I'll get her to call the hearse.
  ==

  [122]
  A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem 
  that I am always farting all of the time.  Although they don't smell,
  they do make loud noises, and it is affecting my social life."
  
  The doctor gives him some pills, and asks him to return next week.
  
  He returns, and says, "Those pills did no good.  In fact they made things
  worse.  I still fart as much, but now they smell terrible."
  
  To which the doctor replies, "Good!  Now that we have your nose working 
  again, lets work on your farting"
  ==

  [123]
  I recently went to see my doctor.
  I said "Doctor It's me dick!"
  I flopped it onto the desk, and the doctor asked "so whats the problem?"
  An' I said "Nowt. It's a beaty ain't it!"
  ==

  [124]
  The young woman settled down on the table and th doctor gynecologist
  asked, "What exactly happened?"
  
  Well she replied that " My boyfriend had his glasses down there and he
  got so wild that they fell in!!"
  
  He then peered inside and said, "I can't see anything in here."
  
  "That's odd," she said. "I can see you just fine!"
  ==

  [125]
  Gynecologist to doctor: I've been feeling low lately, Doc.
  ==
  
  [126]
  Bill hadn't been feeling very well lately, so he went to see his doctor.
  After running several tests, the doctor had the bad fortune of telling
  Bill the results.
  
  Doc:  Bill, I'm afraid that I have to inform you that you have a bad case
        of the HAGS, and this is serious.
  
  Bill: But Doc, what is this serious disease known as HAGS?
  
  Doc:  Well, its actually a deadly combination of herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea,
        and syphilis.  Very few people have ever survived HAGS.
  
  Bill: Oh my God, Doc!  What am I going to do?
  
  Doc:  Well, for starters I'm having you put into one of the hospital's
        observation rooms.  You will be put on the 3P diet.  And we'll wait.
  
  Bill: What's this 3P diet, Doc?
  
  Doc:  Pancakes, pizza, and pop-tarts.
  
  Bill: So tell me Doc, what's so special about pancakes, pizza, and pop-tarts
        in the treatment of HAGS?
  
  Doc:  Well, those are the only foods that we've found that can be easily
        slipped in under the door!
  ==

  [127]
  Old Doctors never die, they just loose their patience.
  Old lawyers never die, they just threaten their doctor with malpractice.
  ==

  [128]
  One woman says to another: "I can't understand why you haven't gone to
  see that new gynecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And
  your gynecologist is so old!"

  The other woman replies with a smile: "Yeah, I know. His hands shake
  *all* the time!"
  ==

  [129]
  Or perhaps you know Joan Rivers' gynecologist?  Every Time you go to his
  office he says, "Dr. Schwartz, at your cervix.  I'm dilated to meet you!"
  ==

  [130]
  An apple a day keeps the doctor away...  if it is aimed well.
  An apple every eight hours keeps three doctors away.
  Barium:  What doctors do when treatment fails.
  Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
  Proctologist:  A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
  There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
  Think how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a bucket of
    apples.
  Dentists are incapable of asking questions that need a simple yes or no
  answer.
  ==

  [131]
  "Captain, how soon can we land?"
  "I can't tell."
  "You can tell me; I'm a doctor."
  ==

  [132]
  Jokes about Kenneth Clarke, when U.K. Secretary of State for
  Health:

  What do you call a man who ignores doctors' advice? The health
  secretary.

  Kenneth Clarke dies this morning. Doctors said his condition was
  'satisfactory'.
  ==

  [133]
  I stole a pad from a doctor's office and forged a really strong
  prescription for myself.  He was an ophthalmologist.  You wouldn't
  believe the colors!
  ==

  [134]
  A pipe burst in a doctor's house.  He called a plumber.  The plumber
  arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a 
  while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
  
  The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous!  I don't even make that much as
  a doctor!".  The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said
  "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
  ==
 
  [135]
  A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is
  persuaded to have a medical exam first.
  
  "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit", he says
  to the doctor. 
  
  "O.K.", says the medic, "let me see your sex organs."
  
  So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.
  ==

  [136]
  Steve Wright:

  I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for
  reading.  So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

  I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency
  Notify".  I wrote "Doctor"...  What's my mother going to do?

  The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
  ==

  [137]
  Rodney Dangerfield:

  I went to my doctor and told him, "Hey, Doc!  I just took an entire bottle
  of sleeping pills.  What should I do?"  He said, "Go home, have a couple
  of drinks, and get some rest!!"

  "I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!"

  "I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised
  his fee!"

  "I met the surgeon general, he offered me a cigarette!"
  ==

  [138]
  There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He
  once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After
  a few housecalls he stopped coming to the farm. The puzzled farmer finally
  phoned him to ask whats the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'. The
  doctor said, "No, its your ducks at the entrance...every time I enter the
  farm, they insult me!" 
  ==

  [139]
  The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out
  a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.  The patient put it
  in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled.  Every morning for two years
  he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass.  Twice it got him into
  the movies, once into the baseball park and once into the symphony.  He got
  a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss.  One day he mislaid
  it.  His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship
  to a conservatory of music.
  ==

  [140]
  Syadov walks into the Moscow health clinic and asks to see an
  ear-and-eye doctor. The nurse explains to him that there isn't a specialist
  in those two areas at the clinic, but tells him that they have an eye-doctor
  AND an ear, nose, and throat man. She further goes on to suggest, after
  seeing his rather vacant stare, that he see the ENT specialist, and, if that
  doesn't work, why then he can go to the ophthalmologist. So a month later
  (Remember, the clinic is run by the Soviet bureaucracy) he is shown to the
  doc's office. The following dialogue ensues.
  Doctor: So, tell me, Comrade Syadov. What seems to be the trouble?
  Syadov: DOC! DOC! Ya GOTTA help me! I'm going crazy!
  Doctor: Just calm down, and tell me your symptoms. 
  Syadov: Well, I..OK. I...I'll try. It's like my ears and my eyeballs aren't
  connected to the same man. I can't see what I hear, and I can't hear
  what I see! 
  At this, the doctor sighs, shakes his head, closes his notebook, and
  prepares for his next patient. When Syadov asks what he's doing, he explains:
  "Really, I'm very sorry, Comrade. But there's no known cure for Communism."
  ==
  
  I hope you enjoyed these jokes.  If you know anymore please send them
  to me.  Thanks to Henry Cate II -- a lot of this stuff is from his
  legendary Life collection.

  Bob (bobk@gibdo.engr.washington)


