      Real Pirates -- Volume 4

  Real Pirates are at least 15 years  old. (old, isn't it? but it remains
true)

  Real Pirates can, if they have to.

  Real Pirates don't really care what  kind of modem they use, because just
about any kind will work.

  Real Pirates recognize AE 4.3 Prodos  as the real useless piece of shit that
it is.

  corollary: Real Pirates use AE 4.2  exclusively. If they don't have 4.2,
they improvise.

  corollary to the corollary: Real  Pirates know enough 6502 programming to
improvise.

  Real Pirates play some instrument  that can be used in a rock band,
preferably stringed. (guitar, bass,  etc.)

  Real Pirates wear shirts that say:   "Frankie says....shut up Madonna" on
them.

  Real Pirates just don't give a damn.

  Real Pirates who run systems of  their own don't force uploads because
they know that there are enough other  real pirates around that they will  event

  Real Pirates have Universe side 3  and have had it for a long time.

  corollary: Real Pirates think in 80  columns. (Real Pirates with Ultraterms,
though, think in 160 columns.

  corollary to the corollary: Real  Pirates dream in hi-res.

  Real Pirates who have Apple //es  have never used 280 X 192 graphics on
their machine, only 560 X 192.

  Real Pirates have a ramdrive.

  Real Pirates who run systems don't  backspace over their names 50 times
in the welcome message because they  know that the only reason people read
welcome messages is to find out where  the damn drives are.

  Real Pirates have a girlfriend.

  Real Pirates don't even think about  calling the ANALOG lines any more
because there aren't any wares on  them, only sext (sex-text) files.

  corollary: Real Pirates don't need  to get their thrills from a textfile.

  corollary to the corollary: Real  Pirates don't give a shit who "sheryl"
is.

  Real Pirates don't whine about other  people having funny names.

  corollary: Real Pirates call  themselves whatever the hell they feel
like because they know that what they  call themselves doesn't diminish their
abilities any.

  Real Pirates don't brag about their  cracking abilities. If they crack
something, they put their name in ONE  title page and start passing it around.

  Real Pirates who get wares that have  10,000 useless title pages "CALL THESE
RAD AE LINES! CRACKED BY MR. MAXIMUM!   FAG OF THE YEAR...." and so on, know
how to get around them.

  Real Pirates upload.

  corollary: Real Pirates upload FIRST.

  If a system has online lists of what  the sysop has and is looking for, Real
Pirates read them so they don't upload  something he already has.

  Real Pirates who run AE lines do so  24 hours a day.

  Real Pirates have 1200 baud.

  corollary: Real Pirates have 1200  baud only because they haven't bought
a 2400 baud modem yet.

  Real Pirates know that it is only a  matter of time before MCI and the
others clean up their long-distance  lines enough to allow 2400 baud
transfers.

  Real Pirates are not selfish with  their phreak codes, just like with
their wares.

  Real Pirates do not conclude every  conversation with "Later", "Later on",
"Later daze", or anything of the like.

  Although they know how to spell and  have impeccable grammar, Real Pirates 
don't start bitching when someone else  does it wrong. They just write them off
mentally as being a hopeless  fuck-up.

  Real pirates have a larger  vocabulary than just "what's your
newest?".

  Real Pirates who are sysops do not  have idiotic validation procedures that
take days or weeks. They know that  when people call, they want wares, so
they give them immediate access to the AE part of the system.

  corollary: Real Pirates know that  Textfiles are NOT the main reason to
call systems.

  Real Pirates who live in  non-Communist zones read Joe Bob
Briggs. 

  Real Pirates read science fiction.

  corollary: Real Pirates do not refer to science fiction as "sci-fi" because
they know it's derogatory.

  Real Pirates read Real science  fiction by hardcore authors like Isaac
Asimov, Larry Niven, and David  Gerrold, and couldn't care less about
the fucking Xanth series.


  Well that's it for now. But since  the Real Pirate breed is quickly
becoming contaminated and inbred, keep  watch for more of these guides to set
the record straight. Call your  favorite system today and upload any
ware the sysop needs, it'll be doing  him a much-appreciated favor. Finally:

  Real Pirates aren't perfect. If you  think you met every qualification in
this guide, you're just a stuck-up  conceited excuse for an asshole and
should see a doctor to get your ego  fixed.

  corollary: Real Pirates are Good  Enough.



    The Real Pirate's Guide, Volume 2

 There are lotsa pirates,  unfortunately, a vast majority of them
are morons. For this reason, these  "guides" have been assembled to aid in
the growth and maturity of the younger  pirate generation.Which brings
us to the golden rule of pirating:   "REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 15 YEARS OF
AGE"(exceptions are few, like if one  was a beta-tester for Broderbund, we
could let that slide).

Real Pirates have long-since deleted  Caverns of Freitag," "Mr. Cool,"
"Trompers," "Jenny of the Prairie,"  and still couldn't give a sack of dog
dicks about anything from Avalon Hill,  SSI, and especially Scott Adams(AI).

Corollary:  Real Pirates would jump at  the chance to "help" Adventure
International go Chapter 11.

Real Pirates pirates aren't just  "learning assembly."  Or even worse,
"machine language."

Real Pirates know that Lord British is  not the Monarch of any European empire.

Real Pirates know that "Road Pizza"  was either a very good joke, or a very
bad game.

When posting a message, Real Pirates  can differentiate between: 'z' and 's',
'ph' and 'f', '2' and 'two', 'u' and  'you', '0' and 'O', '4' and 'for', and
'x' and 'ks'.

Corollary to the corollary:  Real  Pirates aren't constantly searching for
new ways to spell "WARES".

Real Pirates use lower case.

Real Pirates don't use text graphics.

Real Pirates don't post "I have"  messages, when they really don't have.

Real Pirates aren't too impressed with  "spinny" cursors, and turn them off
upon logging onto such boards.

Real Pirates don't try to impress  others with their superior ability to
add many carriage returns at the end  of a message, thus preventing anyone
from reading the last few lines.

Real Pirates, when trading with  another Real Pirate, are not concerned
with matching everything the other  pirate sends them.  Real Pirates are
happy to send wares to other Real  Pirates simply because they are in the
same business.  (ie. no, "I send you 3  sides, you send me 3 sides")

Real Pirates don't wait for BBS' to  print out their "goodbye" message, they
hang-up.

Real Pirates always have a copy of  Diskcomm 3.2 handy

Real Pirates don't end their messages  with, "leave e-mail to [xxx xxx]," or
anything of the sort.

Corollary:  Real Pirates don't respond  to such messages, and in no way use
them as a means to get "new wares."

Real Pirates aren't found to frequent  the local "Bitch Board".

Real Pirates don't make threats of  violence against others through the
phone lines.  After all, how is  someone living in Acron, Ohio going to
"beat the living shit out of" someone  living in Waco, Texas?  Not through Zap
Mail, that's for sure.

Real Pirates know that the disclaimers  often stuck in by BBS sysops do little
more then waste 20-40 bytes of RAM.

Real Pirates don't post messages  telling us what is "old", so they can
fill some space, thus making it look  like they actually had a reason to post
something relavent.

Real Pirates don't think it's keen to  be able to put '/S' on a line by
itself, and have it included in the  message.

Real Pirates have a "sixth sense" that  tells them which board to post a
certain message on (ie. no "new wares"  messages on the "Famous People Which I
Have Met" board).

Real Pirates can spot a Net-Works BBS  miles away.

Real Pirates names aren't parodies of  other respectable pirates (ie. The Male
Nurse of Magenta Bag, Franklin Bandit,  5 1/4" Jockey, etc.).

Real Pirates names have no association  to any type of music whatsoever (ie.
Green Manalishi, The \ Scorpion,etc.).

Never is the prefix "Krack", or  "Crack" found in a Real Pirates name
unless they actually can crack, and  don't just have one.

Real Pirates aren't named:  The Ace,  The Zapman, Lord Fagan, Captain Bly,
Pac-Rat, The Wrench,The Lumberjack,  Mr. Party, The Fly,Happy Hacker, or
Der Fuhrer.

When talking with a Real Pirate on the  phone, you can be assured of not
hearing Culture Club or the Pointer  Sisters being played stridently in the
background.

Real Pirates weren't dissapointed when  "Fantasy Island" was cancelled, and
didn't worry whether or not the Cuban  midget would ever get another job.

Real Pirates would like to see a final  episode of "The Love Boat", where Vicky
absent-mindidly throws a lighted joint  next to a propane tank, causing the
ship to go up in a terrific display of  fire and smoke, whilst seeing the heads
and bodyparts of "your crew" scattered  about the water.

Real Pirates watch "Late Night with  David Lettermen." 

Real Pirates just don't give a damn!

Well, that's it.  For now.  If you  were at all offended by anything in
this article, that's your que to  retire from pirating, because after
all, Real Pirates aren't offended by  things contained in text files.



 

      Real Preates Guide - Vol III

     The following is a list of what  pirate is or isn't.  In many cases,
you will find similar experiences in  your own pirate life.

    Real pirates realize that piracy  is not a crime; it is the only
solution. Real pirates do not get  paranoid of Sierra On-line's copy
violation warning: $50,000 fine and/or  imprisonment.

    Real pirates don't worship hires  pictures. Real pirates can't afford
Hayes modem because they know it's not  worth the money. Real pirates never
made the mistake of buying a Hayes  modem. Real pirates don't try to use
Disk-fer with their Hayes modem. Real  pirates don't pick 'answer' mode in
Disk-fer simply because they know they  they will get their disk first.

    Real pirates can send without  recieving.  (Give without taking.)
Real pirates don't get I/O errors on  half their disks. Real pirates don't
use generic disks. Real pirates don't  use their apples for testing plant
growth and temperatures. Real pirates  don't replace their fish tank with
"Fishies."

    Real pirates know what they have  in their library. Real pirates don't
delete something for everything they  get. Real pirates don't buy software
so they can be the first to crack it.

    Real pirates don't waste their  money on software because they know
it's not worth it. Real pirates know  that Pole Position for the Apple will
never come out. Real pirates don't  make prank phone calls. Real pirates
don't advertise their bbs/ae/catsend  lines without keeping them up. Real
pirates run a bbs/ae/catsend line 24  hours a day or they don't run one at
all. Real pirates have two phone  lines. Real pirates realize that they
asked for it when they get a call for  their bbs/ae/catsend line at the wrong
time of the day. Real pirates know  that the South Pole is located in the
U.S.A.

    Real pirates don't put their name  and numbers on other pirate's wares.
Real pirates don't put their friends  names on a crack just to make
him/her/it well-known. Real pirates  not pollute their wares with numerous
names, groups and numbers.  Real  pirates do not update their whole
system and collection to Prodos. Real  pirates never run out of disk space.
Real pirates don't trade their Apple  II/II+/IIe in for a IIc. Real pirate
don't bug other pirates for "new  wares."

    Real pirates don't freak out when  they meet a female pirate. Real
pirates are not conceited. Real  pirates don't make mommy buy the blank
disks. Real pirates know how to spell.  Real pirates don't play Stickybear ABC.
Real pirates are not racists.  Real  pirates do not hang out on homo-sexual
based bbs's. Real pirates can find in  their collection what they know they
have. Real pirates are not in a hurry  to collect all of the Trillium shit.
Real pirates have alternate ways of  copying Time Zone other than by modem.
Real pirates don't turn a file into a  full disk so they can slap their tacky
title page on to it.

    Real pirates don't join groups so  they can become well-known. Real
pirates don't need a reason to have  access to a certain board or bbs. Real
pirates do not brag to computer  illiterates that they can break into
banks, etc. now with their new modem  when they know they can't. Real
pirates don't waste their time and  money driving miles to see other
pirates. Real pirates do not brag of  their alcohol/drug use; sexual desire
and experiences; and or suicide  attempts.

    Real pirates do not know how many  disks they have, and do not care to
hear the notion of how many disks that  another pirate has. Real pirates don't
make obnoxious noises, sounds, moans,  groans, and tones while on a conference
line. Real pirates don't get other  pirates in trouble. Real pirates don't
bill other pirates.  (Unless he/she/it  has done the same to you.) Real pirates
don't spend their life typing in  text-files. (Which is why this one is
almost done.) Real pirates do not have  to read files like this one, they know
what they are already.

