  MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church

  By Hank Vorjes

  VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square
  this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the
  Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in
  exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock.
  If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software
  company has acquired a major world religion.

  With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior
  vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software
  Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and
  Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said
  MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

  "We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to
  ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the
  Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for
  a broader range of people."

  Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we
  will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and
  revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling
  indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins,
  receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without
  leaving your home."

  A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro
  language which you can program to download heavenly graces
  automatically while you are away from your computer.

  An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's
  Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in
  character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was
  broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

  Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello
  chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats,"
  the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

  The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and
  the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such
  masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will
  face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to
  these key intellectual properties.

  "The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures,"
  said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of
  the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came
  on the scene."

  But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a
  common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more
  successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame
  theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the
  Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while
  Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted
  by Christianity, lags behind.

  Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor,
  leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and
  entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms
  whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not
  they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several
  denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used.
  The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth,"
  echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every
  home".

  Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable
  religious architecture that will support all religions through
  emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of
  interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple
  of different implementations," said Gates.

  The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions,
  according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist
  Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in
  the increasingly competitive religious market.
