
Why don't you just let us take out the socket? You aren't using it anyway, and
it will only cause you trouble later.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can un-
screw a light bulb.

How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.
Meanwhile ...

How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb? Five: A black, a 
Jew, two women and a cripple. (topical to the resignation of Interior Sec.
James Watt in 1983)

How many ...

        Accountants?
        What kind of answer did you have in mind?

        Actors?
        One: They don't like to share the spotlight.

        Aides to change Ronald Reagan's light bulb?
        None: They like to keep him in the dark.

        Alabama alumni?
        Three: One to change the bulb and two to talk about how good the old
one was.

        Alcoholics?
        One: He holds the bulb and the world spins around him.

        Amish?
        Amish don't have light bulbs, they bake pies.

        Anarchists?
        All of them.

        Apple and IBM nuts?
        An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing.
Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in
front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside.
The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether
or not the function is exponential is not known.

        A**holes?
        None: They never see the light anyway.

        Astronomers?
        None: they prefer the dark.

        Atheists?
        None: They're never in the dark.
                How many light bulbs does it take to fix an atheist?
                        It doesn't matter. They wouldn't glow anyway.

        Auto mechanics?
        Two: One to try to put in the wrong bulb, and one to replace the
socket.
        Six: One to force it with a hammer, and five more to go out for more
bulbs.

        Ayatollahs?
        None: there were no light bulbs in the 13th century.

        Babysitters?
        None: Pampers aren't made small enough.

        Bankers?
        Four: one to hold the bulb, and three to try to remember the combo.

        Bass players?
        Six: One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are
hogging the light.

        Believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential 
candidates?
        It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?

        Bell Labs VP's?
        That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on
payment of license fees (available in binary only).
        Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it
usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
        Three: One to get the bulb, and two to get the phone number of one of
their subordinates to do the job.

        Beverly hills realtors?
        Three: one to screw it in and two to learn Arabic.

        Big black monoliths?
        Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.

        Bikers?
        Two: one to change the bulb, the other to kick the switch.

        Blacks?
        Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.

        Bluegrass musicians?
        Two: one to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.

        Bratzlaver Chassidims?
        None: They will never find one that burns as brightly as the 
first.

        Brewers?
        About one third less than for a regular bulb.

        Brokers?
        100: 99 to climb the staircase, and one to say he wasn't hurt in the
crash.
        MY GOD!! IT BURNED OUT!! SELL ALL MY GE STOCK NOW!!!!!!
        Two: one to take the bulb out and drop it and one to try to sell it
before it crashes.

        Bureaucrats?
        None: "We contract out for things like that."
        Two: One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
        Two: One to assure that everything possible is being done while
the other screw the bulb into the water faucet.
        Five: One to change the bulb and four to write an environmental impact
report.
        An infinite number: One to spot the burned out bulb, his supervisor to
authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the 
requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing
department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the
purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the
new bulb ...

        Bush campaign aides?
        (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) NONE! I think the media's
keeping this thing alive! I think the American people are TIRED of 
light bulb jokes!

        Cabbage Patch Dolls?
        The question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls
even if you knew the answer.

        Californians?
        Seven: One to screw in the bulb, six to experience it.
        Six: One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate
to the experience.
        They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

        Capitalists?
        Two: One to screw in the new bulb, one to market the old one.

        Carl Sagans?
        Billions and billions.

        Chinese Red Guards?
        10,000: To give the bulb a cultural revolution.

        Chiropractors?
        Only one, but it takes nine visits.

        Christians?
        Three, but they're really only one.

        Christian Scientists?
        None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one
to go back on.

        Circus performers?
        Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four
to go!

        Civil servants?
        45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

        "Cliffie Girls"?
        It's "Radcliffe women", and it's not funny!

        College students?
        Two, but they both get 10 credits for doing it.

        Computer security experts?
        "That depends on the TCSEC rating of the object light bulb. If it's a
C2 bulb (or below), one. If a B1 bulb, just one, but he/she must document the
potential covert channel. If a B2 bulb, he/she must also audit the covert
channel. If a B3/A1 bulb, none, since covert channels are not allowed. [See
also the "Orange Book"]

        Conservatives?
        None: they liked the old one so much that nothing could compare to it.

        Consultants?
        I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
        We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
        Two: One always leaves in the middle of the project.

        Cops?
        None: It turns itself in.
        One, but he's always at the donut shop when you need him.

        Country singers?
        Three: One to change it, two to sing about the old one.

        Dadaists?
        To get to the other side?

        Daleks?
        Daleks don't change light bulbs, they level the building.
        1,500,000: To conquer a race than can climb ladders.

        DBase People?
        Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to
write the bulb insertion program, and one to act as the bulb admin-
istrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same
time.

        Dead Babies?
        As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to 
reach the bulb.

        Democratic presidential candidates (1988)?
        (Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened government has
mad it unnecessary for people to screw in their own light bulbs, as we
have put thousands of former welfare recipients to work for the Dept.
of Light Bulb Installation. These employees will come to your home or
business and install any incandescent bulb, on only a few months notice.
        (Bruce Babbitt) It's foolish to talk about screwing in light
bulbs when we haven't even taken the first step, and that is to remove
the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up with me and
help me remove this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah!
What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo.
        (Richard Gephart) It doesn't matter whether the bulb is changed
or not; it only matters that the new bulb was made in the US of A.
Taiwan and South Korea have put up massive barriers to importing US
light bulbs; we'll see how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000
to screw in here.
        (Gary Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an obvious
attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. Frankly, I resent
it, and the American people resent it.
        (Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are
putting forth solutions that moderate Southerners won't cotton to on 
Super Tuesday. At least I hope not.
        (Paul Simon) My media experts tell me I'm foolish for wearing 
my hair the same way I did in the 50's. But that's what Paul Simon's 
all about. And I suppose my media experts are gonna say I'm foolish for
this, but in all candor, I change my light bulbs the smae way I did in
the 50's: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn it.
        (Jesse Jackson) Changing the light bulb is a partial solution
at best. I'm more of a Lone Ranger than a light bulb changer. But even 
the Lone Ranger had Tonto and Silver, and the shameful fact is that the
American Indians of today don't have enough solver, or gold, or even
paper money to allow them to buy into the American Dream or some extra
light bulbs. We must ensure that all Americans can light their homes,
>from the lighthouse to the White House.

        Doctors?
        Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
        That depends on whether it has health insurance.
        One, but he has a nurse tell him which end to screw in.

        Dope addicts?
        Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up.

        Drummers?
        Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't
just be pushed in.
        One, but only after asking "Why?"
        Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after
they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).

        Drunks?
        Five: One to hold the bulb, four to watch the room spin.

        Dull people?
        One.

        Economists?
        Two: One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb.
        None: If the government would just leave it alone, it would 
screw itself in.

        Editors?
        Two: One to change the bulb, and one to issue a rejection slip to the
old bulb.

        Editors of Poor Richard's Almanac?
        Many hands make light work.

        Efficiency experts?
        None: They only replace dark bulbs.
        Two: One to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the
old one.

        Emergency room technicians?
        One, but the bulb will have to wait 45 minutes in the waiting room.

        Ergonomicists?
        Five: Four to decide which way it ought to turn, and ...

        <etnhic> American Princesses?
        Two: One to call Daddy, and one to open the Diet Pepsi.

        <ethnic> gods?
        Two: One to hold the bulb, and one to turn the planet.

        <ethnic>s?
        None, but one is enough to screw up the joke.
        Ten: One to hold the bulb, and nine to turn the ladder.

        European ballet dancers?
        None: they like Danzig in the dark.

        Evolutionists?
        One, but it takes over eight million years.

        Existentialists?
        Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in
a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos
of nothingness.

        Fatalists?
        "What does it matter? We're all going to die anyway."

        Federal Employees?
        Sorry, that's been cut from the budget.

        Feminists?
        "That's not funny!"
        Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write about how it feels.
        Two: One to screw it in, and one to kick the balls off any man trying
to help the first.
        Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about the sexual
implications.
        Three: One to change the bulb, and two to secretly wish they were the
socket.
        Four: One to change it, and three to write about how the bulb is 
exploiting the socket.

        Field service engineers?
        Five: one to hold it, and four to pound it in.

        Firemen?
        Four: Three to cut a hole in the roof, and one to change it.

        Folk Singers?
        Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how
good the old one was.

        Football players?
        The whole team, and they all get a semester's credit for it.

        Frat men?
        Three: One to screw it in, and two to help him down off the keg.
        Five: One to hold the bulb and four to drink until the room
spins.

        FSE's?
        Who can tell? They are always in the dark.
        Two: One to hold the bulb, and one to pound it in.
                How long will it take?
                        That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead 
                bulbs they've brought with them.
                What if there are two dead bulbs?
                        They replace the fuse box.

        Fundamentalists?
        "The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs."

        Gardeners?
        One. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change as the old ones.

        Gas fitters?
        Three: One to turn it up the day before when you're out, one to change
the switch, and one to bring along the wrong kind of bulb.

        Gay rights activists?
        None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.

        Gays? 
        Two: One to screw it in, the other to say "Fabulous!"

        Generals?
        1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1 million to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

        Gorillas?
        One, but it takes tons of light bulbs.

        Graduate students? 
        I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a
$100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me
how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this 
incredibly vital question.
        One, but it may take him upward of five years to do it.

        Greek gods?
        Two: one to hold the bulb, the other to turn the planet.

        Grocery store cashiers?
        None: They won't even change a dollar.

        Gypsies? 
        None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.

        Hackers?
        "You mean it's dark in here?"

        Hardware Engineers?
        None: That's a software project.
        None: They always work in the dark.
        None: They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a 
feature.
        None: "We'll code around it."
        None: "The diagnostics check, so it must be software."

        Harvard students?
        One: He holds the bulb, and the universe spins around him.

        Helmsley employees?
        100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.

        Homophobics?
        None: They refuse to do it because they're terrified that the sockets
aren't really female.
        It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't screw around with
other men.
        Two: One to do it, and one to get the sterile rubber gloves because
it's possible that a gay touched the bulb before him.
        None: They prefer that the bulb stay in the closet.

        IBM People?
        One, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
        100: Ten to change the bulb, and ninety to write a document
number gc7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility
of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left
blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ____ consists of
sequences of non-blank characters separated by spaces."

        Illinois basketball players?
        One, but he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.

        Insects?
        Only two. Well, how many do you think it should take?

        Irishmen?
        Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the
room spins.

        Japanese industrialists?
        Three: One to make sure that the new bulb is not foreign made, one to
change it, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb.

        Jewish American princesses?
        Three: Two to bitch about it, one to call the building superintendant.

        Jewish Mothers?
        None: "That's all right - I'll just sit in the dark ...."

        Jugglers?
        One, but it takes at least three bulbs.

        Junkies?
        "Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"

        Keyboardists?
        "Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do. You want to use a 3-way bulb,
but if you can afford it, I hear that next month GE will be coming out .... "
        Two: One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the Korg.
        Two: One to change the bulb and one to say "Yeah, that sounds just
like it."

        KGB agents?
        Two: One to screw it in and the other to check for microphones.

        Lawyers?
        How many can you afford?

        Lead guitarists?
        Six: One to change it, five to say "I could've done it better."

        Lead singers?
        One: He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.
        None: Get the bass player to do it.

        Lesbians?
        Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much
better it was than with a man.

        Liberals?
        None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of
the environment.
        One and 28 delegates representing all the social, economic and ethnic
communities.

        Libertarians?
        None: They don't change them because someone might enter the room who
wants to sit in the dark.

        Light bulb joke tellers?
        100: One to change the bulb, and 99 to make stupid jokes about it.

        Light bulbs?
        One if it knows its own Goedel number.

        Loggers?
        One, but he needs a chainsaw to do it.

        Mac users?
        One, but it costs $4000 and you have to replace the motherboard.
        None: You have to replace the motherboard.
        Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert
the new one.
        Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for
changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who
infringes on the"look and feel" of the bulb changing method.

        Magicians?
        That depends on what you want to change it into.

        Mahayana Buddhists?
        Four: One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light
bulb, one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of these.

        Marginals?
        Two: One to screw it in real good, and one to call the proctologist.

        Martians?
        1.5

        Marxists?
        None: the bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

        Masseuses?
        "Whatever turns you on, baby."

        Mathematicians?
        None: It's left as an exercise to the reader.
        One: He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the 
problem to an earlier joke.

        Medflies?
        None: they do it in the fruit.

        Members of the USS Enterprise?
        Seven: Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb
in engineering has burned out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pro-
nounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking aroud, notices that they
have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the 
dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the
next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from 
the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red-shirt security
officers beam down. The three security officers are promptly killed
by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Mean-
while, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and
must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native King
who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set
free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples
the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up
Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted and the Enterprise continues 
with its five year mission.

        Men?
        One, and one more to change it, and one more to keep track of how many
there are, and a woman to soothe their minds and provide wax jobs.

        Mice?
        Two, but the hard part is getting them into the bulb.

        Missionaries?
        101: One to change the bulb, 100 to convince everyone else to 
change light bulbs too.

        Musicians?
        I don't know, Big Daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
        Twenty: One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 on
the guest list.

        Mystery writers?
        Two: One to screw it almost all the way, and the other to give
it an exciting and surprising twist at the end.

        National Security Council members?
        "We can't say."
        Three in fourteen different countries.

        NCAA Div. IA football players?
        Just one, but he gets three units for it.

        Necrophiliacs?
        None: they prefer dead bulbs.
        One: "Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your
finger while I go get a new bulb?"

        New Jersey People?
        Three: One to change the bulb, one to be a witness, and one to
shoot the witness.

        Newsmen?
        One, but he'll tell everybody all about it.

        New Yorkers?
        None o' yo' damn business!
        Fifty. Fifty? Yeah; it's in the contract.

        Nuclear Engineers?
        Seven. One to install the new bulb, and six to figure out what
to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
        Ten: One to change the bulb, nine to lie to the NRC.

        Nuclear War Survivors?
        None: People who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

        Oregonians?
        Five: One to change the bulb, and four to chase off the Calif-
ornians who came up to relate the experience.
        Nine: One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear
power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.

        Oxbridge students?
        One: He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

        PhD's?
        Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical
modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for
publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.

        People?
        It takes two to screw anywhere, stupid.

        Pessimists?
        "None. The old one is probably screwed in too tightly."

        Platonists?
        They don't change bulbs, they have nice fires in their caves and if
they need light they go out and look at the sun.

        Poets?
        Three: One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle .....
....... and one to change the bulb.

        Polacks?
        Three: One to hold the bulb, and two to turn the first man.
        Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to turn the ladder.
        6,807: One to hold the bulb, the rest to turn the house.
        One, but you need 6000 Russian guards in case he goes on 
strike.

        Policemen?
        None: It turns itself in.

        Politicians?
        1,000,000,001: One to change the bulb, the rest to rebuild the
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

        Pollsters?
        None: They work in the dark.

        Poor Richard's Almanac editors?
        Many hands make light work.

        Pre-med Students?
        Five: One to change the bulb, and four to pull the ladder from
under him.

        Presidential candidates?
        Less and less all the time.

        Procrastinators?
        One, but he has to wait until the light is better.

        Professors?
        One, but he gets three technical reports out of it.

        Programmers?
        "That's a hardware problem."

        Pro-Lifers?
        Six: Two to screw in the new light bulb, and four to testify 
that it was lit from the moment that they began screwing.

        Psychiatrists?
        One, but the bulb has got to really want to change.
        None: The bulb will change itself when it is ready.

        Psychoanalysts?
        "How many do you think it takes?"

        Punk rockers?
        Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on
his forehead.
        Seven: One to get on the chair and six to get on the guest list.

        Pygmies?
        At least three. (Think height)

        Reaganists?
        Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify
the denial ("The bulb is really just dim"), one to blame the bulb burn-
ing out on the Carter administration, one to blame the bulb burning
out on Congress, one to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will
prohibit bulbs from burning out, one to replace the bulb with a 
kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from the Japanese to pay for the
kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his old colleagues for a special
favor for the kerosene importer, one to cash the check for investing
in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the next generation.

        Real Men?
        None: Real men aren't afraid of the dark.
        None of your damn business!

        Real Women?
        None: A real woman has plenty of real men around to do the job.

        Referral agents?
        Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you
to a store where they ran out of bulb weeks ago.

        Republicans?
        Four: One to change the bulb, and three to talk about how much brighter
the old one was.

        Republican Presidential candidates (1988)?
        (Dole) When I was a poot boy growing up in Kansas we didn't
have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it.
        (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the ser-
vants have always taken care of that... With a DuPont administration,
the power of the free market will be unleashed to produce light bulbs
that never need changing.
        (Robertson) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this
light bulb!
        (Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should we worry about light
bulbs? Let those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble
over chair in the dark].
        (Haig) One. Snap to it, soldier!
        (Bush) I resent that question. I've answered it before, and I 
think the media are keeping this thing alive. I think the American
people are TIRED of light bulb jokes.

        Roadies?
        One, two, three, testing .....

        Roman Catholics?
        Two: One to screw it in, one to repent.

        Romanians?
        60,000 dead and 300,000 injured.
        None: Ceaucescu restricted them to use only one 40 watt bulb per
family to save electricity.

        Romulans?
        151: One to screw it in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out
of disgrace. (Warning: do not tell this one to a Romulan unless you are ready
for a fight. They consider it a disgrace)

        Running-dog lackeys of the Bourgeoisie?
        Two: One to exploit the proletariat, one to control the means
of production.

        Russian Leaders?
        Nobody knows. They don't last long enough to change the bulb.

        Security guards at a Grateful Dead concert?
        21: One to change the bulb, the rest to fatally beat the Deadhead who
was only there to look at the light.

        Sexists?
        None: Their girls will do it for them.

        Sex therapists?
        Two: One to screw it in and one to tell him he's screwing it in the 
wrong way.

        Singers?
        "Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal
chords. Have the bassist do it."

        Sound men?
        "Hey man, I just do sound."
        One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs
it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to
bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb
fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of
the band.

        Straight San Franciscans?
        Both of them.

        Strong Polacks?
        115: One to hold the bulb and the rest to turn the house.

        Software Engineers?
        None: That's a hardware problem.
        None: "We'll document it as a feature."
        One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably
collapse.
        Two: One will always leave in the middle of the project.

        Sorority Sisters?
        51: One to change the bulb, 50 to sing about it being changed.
        The entire chapter: One to change it, and the rest to stand around,
and clap and sing about it.

        Sound men?
        One, but instead of using a new bulb (which he doesn't have), he opens
up the old bulb, uses a bit of scavenged wire and duct tape to reattach the
filament, replaces the screw in connector with an audio jack, strings a cable
up through the rafters and reinstalls the whole thing fifty feet away where
the band decides it's much better.

        Stock brokers?
        Two: One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try
to sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).

        Strong <ethnic>s?
        115: One to hold the bulb, the rest to turn the house.

        Supply-siders?
        None: The darkness will cause the bulb to change by itself.

        Surrealists?
        Fish.
        Ten. Three to hold the giraffe, and seven to shovel the pacific 
into the bathtub.

        Synth players?
        Only one, but if you wait until next month, Yamaha will have a new
model bulb out which is much better.
        None: I've got a candle that looks just like it.

        Teachers?
        One if at home, but on school time, four.

        Teamsters?
        Twelve. Ya got a problem with that?

        Technical writers? 
        None: It should be obvious to an intelligent user.
        One, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.

        Televangelists?
        None: They screw in hotel rooms.

        Thomas Edisons?
        None: He doesn't change them, he makes them.

        Thought police?
        None: There never was a light bulb.

        Tourists?
        Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.

        TV Comedians?
        Two: One to screw it in, one to say "Sock it to me." (Note: the line
is from "Laugh In" [it's also a bad pun])

        UNIX gurus?
        One, but first he has to determine the correct path.

        UNIX Hackers?
        As many as you want - they're all virtual anyway.

        Ukranians? 
        They don't need to, they glow in the dark.

        US Marines?
        50: one to screw it in, 49 to guard him.

        Valley Girls?
        OOoh, like manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure!

        Vulcans?
        Approximately 1.0000000000000000000000000000000000000001.

        Waiters?
        None: Even a burned out bulb can't get the waiter's attention.

        WASP's (White Anglo-Saxon Protestants) ?
        Two: One to call the electrician, and one to mix martinis.
        Californian WASP's don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in
hot tubs.

        WASP princesses?
        Two: One to get a Tab(tm) and one to call Dad.

        Zen Masters?
        A tree in a golden forest.
        Two: One to change it, and one not to change it.
        One to change it and one not to change it is fake Zen. The true Zen
answer is four. One to change it.
        None: They carry their own light.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Slambo (not affiliated with Rambo     |    Why would anyone want to listen
 or Yambo or anyone else whose name   |     to a puny little undergrad CS
 ends in "...bo")                     |     major in the first place?

