
DESKTOP PUBLISH AND BE DAMNED!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

	Plans are now highly advanced for writing this article by a
revolutionary ``single-stroke'' method using the latest in technology and
cutting out the cumbersome old three-stage process of pencil-stub draft,
rough typescript and clean copy typed up by Tracy or Sharon from the temps
agency.
	When ``Exercise Desktop'', as the new ``daisy wheel'' operation has
been code-named, is 100 per cent functional, this article should be more
saleable, funnier, easier to read, translateable into ten languages at the
touch of a ``memory key'' and free of the superfluous apostrophes which Tracy
scatters over any typescript like raisins in a pudding mix.
	A dictionary program ``input module'' aims to eliminate Sharon's
sspelling mistakes entirely, although it does not itself seem any too certain
how to spell ``programme''; while a ``storage system'' or it may be a
``retrieval system'' ensures that the article contains no used jokes.  Being
cheaper and quicker to produce than the old labour-intensive model, the
article can be twice or even ten times the usual length without inducing
writer's cramp, a flexibility feature not availiable with the conventional
pencil.  Should there be no space to publish the article this week, it may be
stored, or lost in the system, or rerouted to "Horse & Hound", or even
converted into a cartoon.
	However, owing to teething troubles, it has not yet proved possible
to produce the whole of this article by the new high-tech process.  Readers
may experience most of it being typed on an old Alder, with occasional blank
spaces where the switchover to the new word processor has not gone smoothly.
These hiccups are being ironed out as quickly as possible, and as soon as the
writer has aquired one of those adaptor affairs enabling the word processor
and his desk lamp to be plugged into the only avaliable socket, the way will
be cleared for writing entire articles in green letters on a kind of
television screen, then, simply by consulting a textbook, transmitting the
finished product direct to somewhere else.  The writer is not yet entirely
clear where exactly - he was given to understand that his text could be fed
straight into the page that you are reading now, but does that mean bypassing
the Editor?  If so, presumably the computer knows how to set the type round
the cartoon, if there is one, though it does not seem to have the nous not to
split up words so that the t- of the appears at the end of one line and the
-he at the beginning of he next; but what the writer wants to know is
supposing the article is a few words long for the page, will the article just
carry on into the margin, or will the last paragraph be lopped off or
re-routed to one of the back pages, or what?
	``Exercise Desktop'', or ``Exercise Tabletop'' as it should be more
accurately called at the moment, since this article is being composed inthe
dining room where there are plugs availiable both for a reading lamp and the
word processor, has been effected in three stages.
	Initially, the old-fashioned mode of correcting the article by
xxxxing out mistakes was phased out, and ``Tipp-Ex'' phased in, preparing the
way for a smooth changeover to ``correction tape'' as soon as the writer
acquired an electronic typewriter.  Stage two was obviating carbon paper and
getting photo-copies run off at the local chemist's - a dry run for when
``Exercise Desktop'' is fully operational and as many copies of an article as
the writer requires may be produced at the touch of a button, or key rather,
though what he is supposed to do with them he doesn't quite know.  File them,
he supposes.
	Stage three was supposed to be the acquisition of the electronic
typewriter, but serious technical difficulties were encountered when an
experimental attempt to write a portion of this article by this method was
made on a demonstration model in Ryman's.  Though it had the conventional
QWERTY arrangement of keys, the keyboard felt funny to the writer, somewhat
like one of those pressed-out plastic trays you get in a box of chocolates,
and he was unable to type more than two words without making a mistake.  This
disappointing result highlighted one of the perils of the new technology -
namely, producing an article full of spelling mistakes which the reader would
assume were inserted for cheap laughs, like some mock school essay ostensibly
written by Smith Mi of the Lower Third.  It was decided, therefore, to
leapfrog the interim electronic typewriter stage and opt for a crash course
on operating a word processor, which would clear the decks for a total
desktop publishing operation involving being able to understand expressions
like ``word processed text'',``computer generated images'' and ``on-screen
representation'', as well as why all these bloody machines seem to be named
after fruit.
	With the acquisition of the word processor, however, and over and
above the difficulty of plugging the thing in, it was discovered that owing
to his still not having got the hang of the keyboard, the writer was still
making mistakes and there was a real danger that this article would go into
production with the reader imagining that ``word processor'' transcribed as
``rowd precurser'' was supposed to be a joke.  It was therefore decided that
in the initial stages of the switchover to high tech, the word processor
would be manned by Sharon.  This article is still waiting for her to arrive.
She should have been here half an hour ago.



	The writer apologises for any blank space that may appear in this
article at this juncture, due to the changeover from the old Alder up in the
study to the word processor down here in the dining-room.  Sharon has now
turned up, having to wait forty minutes for a No. 27 whereupon three came at
once, and is now taking this article from dictation.  An ``in-Sharon mode''
has thus been achieved, whereby an ``on-screen representation'' is made
simply by the writer pacing up and down and feeding Sharon the material he
would like positioning ``in-article''.
	It is possible that in reading the first section of this article to
be composed entirely by new technology, some readers may not be experiencing
the sensation that it is getting any funnier.  This is due to technical
difficulties, i.e., the writer's acute awareness that the merest stroke of a
key with one manicured finger could produce one of two terribly obvious jokes
- either wiping out this article completely as these machines are said to be
apt to do if you don't know how to use them properly, though what the Editor
would have to say when confronted with a blank page and told it is the first
total new technology joke is anybody's guess; or showing off the machine's
versatility by juggling paragraphs round in whimsical juxtaposition - or,
even worse, inserting a recipe for carrot cake copied by Sharon onto a
``floppy disc'' or something.  Or both.  Or, and this has only occurred to
the writer, there could be the one where Sharon automatically converts into
``article input'' everything that is said to her regardless of whatever it
was supposed to be ``in-article'' material or not, for instance can't you
type any faster, darling, I could have written the whole bloody article in
the tiome it's taken you to peck out two paragraphs, I thought you people
were supposed to be trained?  <SLAP> <User detection system error - user
unlocateable> 
	

[Author unknown - file found on AMSTRAD BBS - Phone: 09-453-619 - 24 hrs]

