     At a party, a snobbish gentleman is trying to impress her. "I just 
can't bear fools" he says.  To this comes an instant reply "Obviously 
your mother did".
     A reporter is pestering her at a party.  Reporter: "Have you ever 
had your ears pierced"  Dorothy Parker: "No, but I've often had them bored"
     It had been said that Dorothy Parker could make a pun based upon 
ANY word.  A gentleman challanged her to make a pun using the word
"horticulture"; she promptly replied:  "You can lead a horticulture, 
but you can't make her think."
     The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
     The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
     And of course the famous: 
        Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

  So Gorbachev (sp?) decided that now that he was on top, it was time
to impress his ancient mother.  He sent his private helicopter out to
the small town where she lived to pick her up.  He met her with a 
fleet of limos in Red Square.
  So, mama.  It's good to see you here in Moscow!  Come, we eat!
  She said nothing about the flight, and followed quietly into his
limo.  He took her to the best restraunt in town, where they were served
by an army of waiters.  The food was superb, the wine the best money
could buy.  She said nothing.
  You like the dinner?  Come.  We fly to my Dacha for drinks.
  The chopper picked them up & delivered them to the steps of a 
magnificent building, secluded in the outskirts of the city.  Waiters
in white coats were waiting, and proceeded to serve them with the
best Cognac and liquor available.
  They sat sipping on the porch, looking out over the view.
  So, mama.  You don't say anything.  Aren't you proud of your
little Miki?  Haven't I done well?
  She turned to him and replied in a quiet voice.
  Miki, baby.  Is wonderful time I have here.  Helicopters are so
grand to fly in,  Food is best I have ever tasted.  And this, A dacha?
This is more glorious than anything I could imagine.
  Yes, Miki.  Is wonderful.  I am happy for you.  But Miki, Baby.
What if the communists return!

    One Pole: Are the Russians our friends or our brothers?
    Second Pole: I give up.
    First Pole: Our brothers - you get to choose your friends.

    Why is Communism like flying in an aeroplane?
    You see the glorious horizon approaching but the longer you fly,
    the less the glorious horizon seems to approach, you feel sick,
    and you can't get out.

    Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal
    Assistance.
    Czech:  Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked
        me down and took my Russian watch.
    Desk Sergeant: Come again?
    Czech:  Are you deaf?  Out there in the street, a Swiss soldier
        knocked me down and took my Russian watch.
    Desk Sergeant: You're confused.   It was a Russian soldier who
        knocked you down and took your Swiss watch.
    Czech:  Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.

    Kruschev is at a political dinner, and a young hopeful from Gosplan
    is giving a speech about tractor production which is going on for ever.
    In true Russian fashion, K. spears his steak on his fork, picks it
    up, and starts to nibble around it.
    Nina, (Mrs K), is horrified, and hisses "Nazhom, Nikita, nazhom!"
    ("Your knife, Nikita, use your knife!")
    Nikita answers, "Why, what did he say?"

    Small boy:    They were telling us at school about the difference
        between Socialism and Communism.   How will we know when
        Socialism has been achieved, and we are in the state of
        true Communism.
    Mother:        When every family has a private plane.
    Small buy:    Wow!   And what will we use ours for?
    Mother:        I was thinking if flying down to Kiev to see if
        they have any butter this week.

	Syadov walks into the Moscow health clinic and asks to see an
ear-and-eye doctor. The nurse explains to him that there isn't a specialist
in those two areas at the clinic, but tells him that they have an eye-doctor
AND an ear, nose, and throat man. She further goes on to suggest, after
seeing his rather vacant stare, that he see the ENT specialist, and, if that
doesn't work, why then he can go to the opthalmologist. So a month later
(Remember, the clinic is run by the Soviet bureacracy) he is shown to the
doc's office. The following dialogue ensues.
Doctor: So, tell me, Comrade Syadov. What seems to be the trouble?
Syadov: DOC! DOC! Ya GOTTA help me! I'm going crazy!
Doctor: Just calm down, and tell me your symptoms. 
Syadov: Well, I..OK. I...I'll try. It's like my ears and my eyeballs aren't
connected to the same man. I can't see what I hear, and I can't hear
what I see! 
At this, the doctor sighs, shakes his head, closes his notebook, and
prepares for his next patient. When Syadov asks what he's doing, he explains:
"Really, I'm very sorry, Comrade. But there's no known cure for Communism."

     A man in Russia gets a ticket allowing him to buy a car.  He sits down
with the car dealer and picks out the basic car and then a few options. 
The car dealer says the car will be ready in ten years.  The man wants to
know if it will be ready in the morning or the afternoon.  The car dealer
is a bit surprised, "Why do you care?  It's ten years away."  "Well the plumber
is coming in the morning."

Stalin, Churchill and Roosevelt were riding in a limo, when they happened
to look back and notice a huge ugly monster was chasing them.  Hoping to 
persuade it to go away, Churchill rolled down his window and tossed out 
all the money he had, about 10,000 pounds.  The monster picked it up, 
sniffed it, then tossed it aside and continued to pursue the limo.  So
Roosevelt opened his window, and tossed out $100,000, with a gold money
clip he'd gotten from Rockefeller, and his $1500 gold watch.  The monster
picked up the bundle, sniffed it, sneered and continued to pursue the limo.
So comrade Stalin pulled out a pen and paper, scribbled a short note, and
tossed it out the window.  The monster read the note and came to a screaming
halt (a la buggs bunny, smoke from the heels), turned around, and ran the 
other way.  Well of course, the other world leaders wanted to know what
Comrade Stalin had written in the note.  "Simple", he said.  "I wrote,
'This is the road to Communism'."

     It was really tough work being an Apostle of Jesus.  Can you imagine 
the hours?  What if you wanted a day off?   So you call up Jesus and say, 
"Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I 
won't be able to make it to today's Sermon.......what........say that 
again, you say I'm cured?"

     Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a 
long trial, the jury aquitted him.  Later that day Carlson came back
to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
	"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that
dirty lawyer of mine."
	"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you
want to have him arrested for ?"
	"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay
his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

	"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence
for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
	"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the
witness.

	"you have known the defendant for how long ?"
	"Fourteen years."
	"Tell the court whether or not you think he is the type of man who 
would steal this money."
	"How much was it ?"

    A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion
year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center
in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
    After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by
the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.
    "That's great!" the executive said.  "But I understand that this
procedure can be really expensive."
    "Yes, sir, it can," the director replied.  "An ounce of accountant's
brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's 
brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five
thousand.  An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."
    "Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain??
Why on earth is that?"
    "Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we
would have to kill?"


                   Qualifying Examination

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all ques-
tions.  Time Limit - 4 hours. Begin immediately.

1.  History

Describe the history of the papacy from its origins  to  the
present  day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively,
on its social, political, economic,  religious,  and  philo-
sophical  impact  on  Europe,  Asia, America, and Africa. Be
brief, concise, and specific.

2.  Medicine

You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze,
and  a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture
until  your  work  has  been  inspected.  You  have  fifteen
minutes.

3.  Public Speaking

2,500 riot-crazed aborigines  are  storming  the  classroom.
Calm them.  You may use any ancient language except Latin or
Greek.

4.  Biology

Create life. Estimate the differences  in  subsequent  human
culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years
earlier, with special attention to its  probable  effect  on
the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

5.  Music

Write a piano concerto.  Orchestrate  and  perform  it  with
flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

6.  Psychology

Based on your degree of knowledge of their  works,  evaluate
the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed
frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodi-
sias,  Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your
evaluations with quotations from  each  man's  work,  making
appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

7.  Sociology

Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the
end  of  the  world.  Construct  an  experiment to test your
theory.

8.  Management Science

Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate?  Why?
Create  a  generalized  algorithm to optimize all managerial
decisions. Assuming an 1130  CPU  supporting  50  terminals,
each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the commun-
ications interface and all necessary control programs.

9.  Engineering

The disassembled parts of a  high-powered  rifle  have  been
placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruc-
tion manual, printed in Swahili. In  ten  minutes  a  hungry
Bengal  tiger  will  be  admitted to the room. Take whatever
action you feel is appropraite. Be prepared to justify  your
decision.

10.  Economics

Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national  debt.
Trace  the  possible  effects  of your plan in the following
areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory  of
light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criti-
cize this method from all possible points of view. Point out
the  deficiencies  in your point of view, as demonstrated in
your answer to the last question.

11.  Political Science

There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World
War  III.   Report at length on its socio-political effects,
if any.

12.  Epistemology

Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity  of
your position.

13.  Physics

Explain the nature of matter.  Include  in  your  answer  an
evaluation  of  the impact of the development of mathematics
on science.

14.  Modern Physics:  

Disprove Einstein's Theory of Relativity.  Construct an
experiment to prove your position.

15.  Philosophy

Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its signi-
ficance.   Compare with the development of any other kind of
thought.

16.  Foreign Affairs:  

It has recently been suggested (especially after Black
Monday) that only a foreign war can restore America's lost national con-
sensus.  Propose the ideal opponent(s) for the US in such a war, and how
the conflict might be engineered so that US would seem not to be the ag-
ressor in the situation.  Discuss the pros and cons.

17.  Art:  

Explain Mona Lisa's smile.

18.  Juris Prudence:  

In Part 2 of Shakespeare's "Henry VI",  Jack Cade,  the
leader of the populist revolt, proposes that the first order of business
following a successful coup d'e'tat could be to  "kill all the lawyers".
In light of the present populist  mood in the United States,  assess the
utility and any potential impact of such a policy today.

19.  Religion:  

Assuming the Judeo-Christian moral structure,  take the stand
for Adam and Eve,  and the eating of the forbidden fruit.   Explain your
position fully to a Chassidic Rabbi, and answer his arguments.  An Angl-
ican bishop will moderate this debate.

20.  General Knowledge

Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.


Extra Credit

Define the Universe; give three examples.


On the front page of today's Wall Street Journal:
By 62% to 17%, Americans still trust President Reagan over Mr. Gorbachev
to reduce tensions between the countries.

Los Angeles Times, November 24:
Banning, Blythe and Barstow no longer qualify as "distressed" cities under
federal guidelines, nor do Adelanto, Lake Elsinore, or Loma Linda.
But Beverly Hills does.

According to a new U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development list,
Beverly Hills can apply for about $56 million a year in business development
grants reserved for small cities suffering "physical and economic distress."

Heard on a radio station.
What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?
"He's a real fun guy [fungi]."

torque: when you wake up in the morning with a hard-on so severe, 
as you push it down to take a piss your feet lift off the floor

     Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and
                gives you part of the milk.
     Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one of them and
                gives it to your neighbor.
     Fascism:   You have two cows. The government takes both of them and
                sells you the milk.
     Nazism:    You have two cows. The government takes both of them and
                then shoots you.
     Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes both of them,
                  shoots one, milks the other, and then pours the milk
                  down the drain.
     Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one of them and buy a bull.

	Anarchy: You have two cows. They decide you have no right to
		 do anything with their milk and leave to form their
		 own society.

	Industrialism: You have two cows. You dissect them both,
		and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.

	Centralism: You have two cows. And a problem finding them
		in the middle of field with 100,000,000 others.

	Environmentalism: You have two cows. You recycle the milk
		and give it back to the cows.
	
	Democracy: You have two cows. The vote is held, and they
		win.

Officials at the Houston Zoo admitted that their coral snake was a rubber
imitation. "We had live snakes in the exhibit, but they didn't do so well,"
said curator John Donaho. "They tend to die."
 
Robert Kropinski of Philadelphia sued Transcendental Meditation groups where
he spent 11 years as a student & teacher, claiming he suffered psychological
disorders as a result of never having achieved the "perfect state of life" the
group promised. The 36-yr-old real-estate manager said, for example, that the
groups had told him he would be taught to "fly" through self-levitation, but
all he learned to do was "hop with the legs folded in the lotus position."
 
A construction company in Saipan, Northern Marianas, placed a notice in the
local newspaper after 1 of its flashing amber warning lights was stolen from a
road construction site on March 28, 1984. Noting that the lights were necessary
to warn motorists of the excavation so they could avoid an accident, the company
said it was removing "the remaining warning lights and we are not going to
install them again unless we are sure they will not be stolen."
 
And from "Wrong Arm of the Law":
In Atlanta, a daring thief stole $8900 worth of cameras & accessories from an
exhibit booth at a convention for crime-detection experts. His getaway was
delayed by having to pretend to be a salesman and give a 45-minute sales pitch
to a security guard who had seen him walking off with the goods.
 
Police in Tulsa, responding to an emergency call that a man was holding a woman
at knifepoint, surrounded the wrong house. The man was in the house next door.
He tried several times to surrender, but the police, thinking he was just a nosy
neighbor, kept ordering him back inside. After about an hour, a newspaper
photographer who lived nearby alerted police to their mistake.
 
In Florida, Dade County & Jacksonville officials discovered that their new $34
million jail was being built with 195 cells-- but no cell doors. Michael Berg,
city-county director of jails & prisons, said he wasn't sure how the oversight
occurred but that there was money to pay the extra $1.5 million to have the
doors added.  And at the Ontario County Jail in Canandaigua, NY, installation of
new cell doors was halted when officials discovered the bars were too far apart
& prisoners could slip through them.
 
Undercover police in Pompano Beach, FL, arranged to sell 2 lbs. of cocaine. The
buyers turned out to be undercover officers from the Ft. Lauderdale police.
 
Police in Van Nuys, CA arrested Dennis John Alston on charges of forging checks,
then released him when he posted bail with a $1500 cashier's check. It turned
out to be a forgery.
 
Police in Sydney Mines, Nova Scotia, raided their own Christmas party for not
having a license to serve liquor.
 
Tommy Cribbs, the sheriff of Dyer County, TN, was arrested in Van Buren, MO,
after police noticed his car in the parking lot of a local motel. A car of that
description had been used in the theft of 2 sheep from a nearby farm. Officers
who were questioning people at the motel were led to Cribbs after a sheep was
thrown from the window of his room.

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson
about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a
glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
 "Now, class.  Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a
worm first into the water.  The worm in the water writhed about, happy
as a worm in water could be.
 The second worm, he put into the whiskey.  It writhed painfully, and
quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
 "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor
asked.
 Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely,
responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

From connolly@wam.umd.edu Tue Sep 17 18:45:55 1991
From: connolly@wam.umd.edu (John. P. Connolly)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: C-Unix hoax!!!
Date: 17 Sep 91 19:19:10 GMT
Reply-To: connolly@wam.umd.edu
Distribution: usa
Organization: Workstations at Maryland, University of Maryland, College Park


  COMPUTERWORLD 1 April

  CREATORS ADMIT UNIX, C HOAX
  	In an announcement that has stunned the computer industry, Ken
  Thompson, Dennis Ritchie and Brian Kernighan admitted that the Unix
  operating system and C programming language created by them is an
  elaborate April Fools prank kept alive for over 20 years.  Speaking at
  the recent UnixWorld Software Development Forum, Thompson revealed the
  following:

  	"In 1969, AT&T had just terminated their work with the
  GE/Honeywell/AT&T Multics project.  Brian and I had just started working
  with an early release of Pascal from Professor Nichlaus Wirth's ETH labs
  in Switzerland and we were impressed with its elegant simplicity and
  power.  Denis had just finished reading 'Bored of the Rings', a
  hilarious National Lampoon parody of the great Tolkien 'Lord of the
  Rings' trilogy.  As a lark, we decided to do parodies of the Multics
  environment and Pascal.  Dennis and I were responsible for the operating
  environment.  We looked at Multics and designed the new system to be as
  complex and cryptic as possible to maximize casual users' frustration
  levels, calling it Unix as a parody of Multics, as well as other more
  risque allusions.  Then Dennis and Brian worked on a truly warped
  version of Pascal, called 'A'.  When we found others were actually
  trying to create real programs with A, we quickly added additional
  cryptic features and evolved into B, BCPL and finally C.  We stopped when
  we got a clean compile on the following syntax:

  for(;P("\n"),R=;P("|"))for(e=C;e=;P("_"+(*u++/8)%2))P("| "+(*u/4)%2);

	  To think that modern programmers would try to use a language that
  allowed such a statement was beyond our comprehension!  We actually
  thought of selling this to the Soviets to set their computer science
  progress back 20 or more years.  Imagine our surprise when AT&T and
  other US corporations actually began trying to use Unix and C!  It has
  taken them 20 years to develop enough expertise to generate even
  marginally useful applications using this 1960's technological parody,
  but we are impressed with the tenacity (if not common sense) of the
  general Unix and C programmer.  In any event, Brian, Dennis and I have
  been working exclusively in Pascal on the Apple Macintosh for the past
  few years and feel really guilty about the chaos, confusion and truly
  bad programming that has resulted from our silly prank so long ago."

  	Major Unix and C vendors and customers, including AT&T, Microsoft,
  Hewlett-Packard, GTE, NCR, and DEC have refused comment at this time.
  Borland International, a leading vendor of Pascal and C tools, including
  the popular Turbo Pascal, Turbo C and Turbo C++, stated they had
  suspected this for a number of years and would continue to enhance their
  Pascal products and halt further efforts to develop C.  An IBM spokesman
  broke into uncontrolled laughter and had to postpone a hastely convened
  news conference concerning the fate of the RS-6000, merely stating 'VM
  will be available Real Soon Now'.  In a cryptic statement, Professor
  Wirth of the ETH institute and father of the Pascal, Modula 2 and Oberon
  structured languages, merely stated that P. T. Barnum was correct.

	  In a related late-breaking story, usually reliable sources are
  stating that a similar confession may be forthcoming from William Gates
  concerning the MS-DOS and Windows operating environments.  And IBM
  spokesmen have begun denying that the Virtual Machine (VM) product is an
  internal prank gone awry.



--
John P. Connolly           |  I'll have the squid platter, extra tentacles..
University of Maryland     |  
College Park, MD           |  -- Bart Simpson, 
connolly@wam.umd.edu       |      at the Rusty Barnacle Restaurant 

Your Mother wears combat boots!
Your Mother Swims after troop ships!
Your brother Blows boy scouts!

A classic one...  that is off-colour!
- Have you ever had P*ssy arounf your neck?
(Answer no is expected)
- What were you then? An As*hole Baby?

   Do you know what the difference is between a Big Mac and a Blow Job?
               (.....  no  .......)
   Well then, how about lunch tomorrow!

-- John will be the subject of our joke.
John and two others were in Jail.  The jailkeeper came in and said he
would let them out if thier combined penis measurments were 20 inches!
so they measuered the first guy  - 10 inches!
the measured the second guy      -  9 inches!
And they measured John           -  1 inches!
and they all got out of jail!    = 20 inches!
     When they were all outside the jail the first guy said "Whew, Glad I
had 10 inches!"  the second guy said "Whew Glad I had 9 inches" and John
Said "Whew, Glad I had a HardON"!

-- John is again the butt of our joke!
One day John dies, he goes to heaven and finds that BURT REYNOLDS and
ROBERT REDFORD both have died at the same time.  So as St. Peter was
handing out assignments he sent Burt Reynolds into a room to live for the
rest of eternity.  Inside the room was the uglyist Woman you had ever seen
and a BOOMING voice said "Burt, for the sins you have committed on earth
you get her for the rest of eternity"
     Robert Redford was sent into a room with a horribly disfigured ugly
woman(Like in Throw momma from the train) and a booming voice was heard
"Robert, for the sins you have committed in life you get HER for the rest
of eternity!"
     John was sent into a room with Paula Abdul(Awesome Chick!) and he
heard a booming voice "PAula, for the sins you have commited you get him
for the rest of eternity"

As long as we have picked John to pick on:
   John, who lead a sinless life, died and went, naturally, to heaven.
He was issued his wings and harp and let through the pearly gates.
One day, while flying around and playing his harp, John noticed, on a
lower cloud level, his old neighbor, Max.  Now, Max had been a liar,
cheat, and all-round SOB all his life, so John was surprised to see him.
John was even more surprised to see that Max was sharing his cloud with a
naked woman and a keg of beer.   Naturally upset, John immediatly filed a
complaint.  "Why is an SOB like Max in heaven, and why did HE get a woman
and a keg of beer, when all I got was wings and a harp?"
Relax, he was told, that isn't heaven, Max is in hell!  You see, the keg
has a hole in it, and the woman doesn't!

Do you know what a satisfied lady says? (No answer)
I didn't figure you would know.
Here is another one to ask women.
Do you know the difference between oatmeal and intercourse?  You don't!!
Good.  I will have you over for breakfast some morning!!

How about
Do you know what a man who can completely satisfy a woman has for
breakfast?
     Well, I had bacon eggss....

Hey, why's it smell like fish around here?
Oh, here comes your mom, that explains it.

At least my mother gets out of bed when she goes to work.

TV: Radio without the imagination.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood,...

  First kid to second kid: "How come you have that band-aid on your
                            nose?"
  Second kid: "I bent over to smell a brose"
  First kid: "There's no "b" in rose!"
   Second kid: "There was in this one."

You know why the Yugo's have an electric heat coil in the rear window?
To keep your hands warm while you push it on a cold day...

Or the one that goes waaaaayyyyyy back about Queeerios.....they just lie
there and eat each other.....

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONLY  ONE,  DAMNIT!!!!!

Money-the root of all evil. Man needs roots.

Bill joined the foreign legion, and was assigned to a fort, way out in
the Sahara desert, far from any town.  During his orientation session,
he asked the sergeant what the legionnaires did when they had to
relieve their urge.  "The desert provides, son," the sergeant said.
"When you feel the need at night go to the hut by the palm tree outside
the fort.  There's a hole in the side.  Stick your dick in the hole and
you'll get relief."  Bill was very skeptical, but soon he was about to
go out of his skull.  He waited until the sun descended, then ran out
to the hut and stuck his dick in the hole.  Sure enough, a pair of warm
lips surrounded his member and quickly brought him to ecstasy.  Bill
suddenly had a new view of life in the legion.  He visited the hut the
next night and the third.  But on the fourth night, when he thrust his
penis in, nothing happened.  He rushed back, found the sergeant and
asked him what the hell was going on.  "Forgot to tell you," the
sergeant said, "it's your night to sit in the hut."

What do women and airplanes have in common?
They both have cockpits!

Two plastic surgeons are talking about their recent operations, and one
mentions that he grafted tits onto a sailor's back sometime ago.
"Was it a success?" asks the other.
"Incredibly!" says the first.  "I did it on a percentage basis, and if
his asshole holds out, we'll be millionaires pretty soon."

What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in
the other hand?
One hell of a big moth!

Why did the minister get AIDS?
He didn't wash his organ between hims.

What's the name of a place where midgets can go and spend the night
without paying anything?
A stay free minipad.

Bo Derek is so stupid, she had to study in order to pass a pap test.

Hear about the guy who named his dog Herpes?
He heals once a month.

How do you separate the men from the boys in San Francisco?
With a crowbar.

Five fags were sitting in a hot tub when suddenly a blob of semen
floated to the surface.  "Alright," said the big one, "Who farted?"

Have you heard about Billie Jean King's new tennis shoe?
It is called Dike, but they had to recall all of them because their
tongues were too short.

Did you hear about the article in the newspaper the other day about
gays?  It said that 80% of all gay men were born gay, and as for the
other 20% - they just got sucked into it.

Why did the homosexual suspect his live-in lover had been cheating on
him?
Because he came home shit-faced.

What are the three things homosexuals like most?
To eat, drink, and be Mary.

Two gays were talking when one of them happened to mention that he
had gotten circumcised last week.  "Can I see it?" asked the second
fag, so he promptly dropped his drawers to show off his cock.
"Oooh," squealed his friend, "You look ten years younger!"

One gay dentist to the other:  "You know, you have the whitest teeth
I've ever come across."

If horse racing is the sport of kings is drag racing the sport of
queens?

Did you hear about the two ugly Baptist choir girls that were sleeping
together?
They were playing hymns.

What's the difference between a rhinoceros and a lesbian?
About 50 lbs and a flannel shirt!

What does a baby diaper and your boss have in common?
They are both all over your ass and usually full of shit!

What do you get if you cross a Smurf and a whore?
A little blue focker about this high.

Marketing experts are now maintaining that the manufacturers of those
panty hose that "massage" a woman's legs have set their sights far too
low!

There once lived a nonconforming sparrow.  When winter came, he didn't
want to fly South with the rest of the birds.  Finally, though, it got
so cold that he reluctantly started flying South.  After a short while,
ice started forming on his wings and he fell to the Earth.  Shortly, a
rather large cow came by and crapped on the little sparrow.  The
sparrow thought this was surely the end.  But, the warm shit actually
started to warm him up.  After a while, he was warm, content, and he
could breath easily.  He was so overjoyed that he started singing at
the top of his lungs.  A cat wandering by heard the noise and decided
to investigate.  He found the bird in the pile of shit, dug him out,
and promptly ate him.
  The moral of the story is:
   1)  Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
   2)  Everyone who digs you out of the shit is not necessarily your
       friend.
   3)  If you are warm and contented in a pile of shit, keep your mouth

Har, har, har.  I used to have a big belly, but it's all behind me now.

     Did you hear about the blind prostitute?
   You gotta hand it to her!

SUPERIOR REVISED CAT CODE
Program Cat;
Uses Crt;
Var
   Dead     : Boolean;
   YourLife,
   CatLife  : Byte;
{ No procs this time.. who cares? }
Begin
     CatLife := 9;      { Gee I wonder how the odds are stacked }
     YourLife := 1;
     Randomize;
     Repeat
          If Random > .2 then CatLife := Catlife - 1 else
          YourLife := YourLife - 1;
          If CatLife = 0 then Dead := TRUE;
          If YourLife = 0 then Dead := TRUE;
     Until Dead;
     If CatLIfe = 0 then Writeln( 'The cat died.' ) else
     Writeln( 'You died.' );
End.

I know the combination to your locked baud rate..

I found out how to make my Penis 17 inches!
Fold it in Half!

What should you do if you are walking down the street and find Saddam
Husein buried up to his neck in cement?
RUN and get some more cement!

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities...

I did hear about the mime who tried to call the police.
He was killed cause nobody could hear him.
However, a mime is a terrible thing to waste.

Someone recently suggested that we take all the lawyers and dump them into
the ocean.  This was obviously a short-sighted suggestion, since oil and
water don't mix.

A woman journalist and George Bernard Shaw were at a banquet.
Throughout the meal she continually belittled him until she
finally said, "Mr. Shaw, I don't know how you can prostitute your
art the way you do"
Shaw:  "Madam, in our own way, we are ALL prostitutes.
Woman: "Sir, how dare you!"
Shaw:  "Madam, if I offered you ten thousand dollars, would you
       go to bed with me?"
Woman  (thinks): This guy is just crazy enough to pay that much
       to prove a point... "Yes, I would".
Shaw:  "Madam, if I offered you twenty-five cents, would you go
       to bed with me?"
Woman  (offended): What do you take me for???
Shaw:  "That, madam, is an established fact. We're just haggling
       over the price!"

A User-car salesman was in a battle with a finace company.  Well, The
other lawyer knewthat the user-car salesman used to be a lawyer and asked
him why had he given up begin a lawyer to being a usedcar salesman?
the Salesman replied "I needed a position where I would get more respect"
-This was a true story.

From csdq122@emx.UTEXAS.EDU Thu Dec  1 21:59:36 1988
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Received: from emx.utexas.edu by rascal.ics.utexas.edu (3.2/4.22)
	id AA22352; Thu, 1 Dec 88 21:59:34 CST
Date: Thu, 1 Dec 88 22:00:50 CST
From: csdq122@emx.UTEXAS.EDU (The Man with No Name)
Posted-Date: Thu, 1 Dec 88 22:00:50 CST
Message-Id: <8812020400.AA02767@emx.utexas.edu>
Received: by emx.utexas.edu (5.54/5.51)
	id AA02767; Thu, 1 Dec 88 22:00:50 CST
To: werner@rascal.ics.UTEXAS.EDU
Subject: Lawyer jokes
Cc: padraig@astro.as.UTEXAS.EDU, tyen@walt.cc.UTEXAS.EDU


Q & A form jokes
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
   in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q:  Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
    Good!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q:  If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A:  It might be your bicycle.

----
Longer Jokes:
----
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4.  Let me run
     those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
     voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
-----
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain
offerred at this particular brain store.  So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for <other generic proffesion> brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
-----
     A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
     "That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
     Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
     "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"
     Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
     The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father
answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
an explanation.
     Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney.  How can I explain a 
thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
-----
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.  To his dismay, there were 
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.  To his surprise,
St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where 
the laywer was, and greeted him warmly.  Then St. Peter and one of his assis-
tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the
line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.  The lawyer said, "I don't
mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed 
your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
----
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-
scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice,
"Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20
more of them."
-----
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred
it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
thief go first, and the executioner follow."
-----
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
money there has been only one answer to that question."
----------
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly
station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides
to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a 
huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete
announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until
the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting
a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight
once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear
more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with
Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the
Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the
deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I,
spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"

Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow, 
this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many
times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can
get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because
he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
-----
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long
trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back
to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
    "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that
dirty lawyer of mine."
    "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you
want to have him arrested for ?"
    "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay
his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
-----
    "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man
of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
    "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
-----
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial.  It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a
jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the
hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty.  He found a
dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed
the judge back to the courtroom.  The trial was over in about 10
minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty.  The jury
went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home,
and everyone waited.

After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and
sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the
verdict.  When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they
got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict?  Hell, they're still
doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
------
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?",
someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
----------
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
grandmother.  On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
-----
The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
----
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to
cross the Atlantic Ocean.  After 37 hours in the air, George says
"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
descends to below the cloud cover.  George says, "I still can't
tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground".  So Harry
yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And
the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet
up in the air".  George turns to Harry and says "That man must
be a lawyer".  And Harry says "How can you tell?".  George says
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
useless".

That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still
worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink,
and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists
Soaked by Lawyer".
----
     For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed
an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
then stopped short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

     "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" 
he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"

     "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better
to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
-----
     God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for all.

     When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think
you're going to find a lawyer?"
-----
     Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill.  Who gets it?  The old drunk, of course, the
other three are mythological creatures.
----------
     A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.  After he had
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
would like on it.

     "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

     "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter.  "In this
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.
However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."

     "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
     "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter.  "people will read it
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
-----
   An anxious woman goes to her doctor.  "Doctor," she asks nervously,
"can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
   "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
-----
     At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to
another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to
lawyers for our experiments?"
     "Really?"  the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
     "Well, for three reasons.  First we found that lawyers are far more
plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to
them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.  However,
sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings."
----
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to
which he retreated for several weeks of the year.  Each summer, the lawyer
would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to
spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods
section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with
him.  The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in
the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to
pick berries for their morning breakfast.  As they went around the berry
patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along
came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His
friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and
got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed
back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of
lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his
friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you
that the Czech was in the Male?"
----------
	It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony.  Doctor Green
came over to see him.
	"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
court when you accused me of malpractice."
	"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
it be?"
	"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
	"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
	"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
	"What are you talking about?"
	"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
	"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
	"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
	"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
	"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.
Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it
when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an
Excedrin headache?'
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
	"Why are you reading that to me?"
	"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
	"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
	"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
	"Then get me another doctor."
	"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
This is the only place that I can practice."
	"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally
appeal your case to a higher court."
	"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for
a kidney stone."
	"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
looking at him."
	"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize
into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher
of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
to be in a lot of pain.' "
	"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
ounce of Demerol?"
	"I better check you out first."
	"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
	"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
examined the patient completely.  It would be negligent of me if I didn't
do it now.  Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
	"What for?"
	"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued
and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
	"I'm not going to sue you."
	"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
after you pass the kidney stone?"
----------
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a
glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world,
nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in
Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All
the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to
smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas,
nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much
of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack
of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the
Lawyer through it...
--------
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
and steals a roast.  Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to
demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"  The lawyer answers,
"Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50.  Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys
don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the
shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].

Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be
unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the
lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
----------
Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1:	It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light
        bulb.
A2:	You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
        looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A3:	Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall
be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the
entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,
demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at
the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by
the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
    The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited
to, the following steps:
    1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation
at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of
elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the
party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this
point being non-negotiable.
   2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state,
local and federal statutes.
   3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first
part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of
the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").  This installation shall occur in a
manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of
this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur
in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
   NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the
objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the
fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
--------
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
     **********************************************************************
     
     1300.01   GENERAL
     
      1.  Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
     harvest attorneys.
     
      2.  Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.  The
     use of currency as bait is prohibited.
     
      3.  Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited.  If
     accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to
     nearest car wash.
     
      4.  It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
     machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
     
      5.  It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
     Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
     
      6.  It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
     dealerships.
     
      7.  It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
     prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
     
      8.  It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
     courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
     ambulances, or hospitals.
     
      9.  If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
     felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
     
     10.  Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
     inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
     
     11.  It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
     reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
     victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
     attorneys.
     
     BAG LIMITS
     
      1.  Yellow Bellied Sidewinder                     2
      2.  Two-faced Tort Feasor                         1
      3.  Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator               4
      4.  Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only)      3
      5.  Big-mouthed Pub Gut                           2
      6.  Honest Attorney                         EXTINCT
      7.  Cut-throat                                    2
      8.  Back-stabbing Whiner                          2
      9.  Brown-nosed Judge Kisser                      2
     10.  Silver-tongued Drug Defender        $100 BOUNTY
     11.  Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian                 7

--------
Look, I'm tired of typing. Go buy the book: Larry Wilde, _The Ultimate
Lawyers Joke Book_. Bantam books. $2.95 (Canada $3.95).

------------------------- cut here and insert in wallet --------------------

				Ben Dover
				   And
			    C. Howlett Fields

			    Attorneys At Law

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were
guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case.  He admits all these things,
but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."  St. Peter looks in
his book and says,"Yes, I see.  Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once
you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug
look on his face and replies, "Yes."   St. Peter turns to the angel next to him
and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
----------------------------------------------------
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule
what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard
to get back on your feet.
----------------------------------------------------
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands
       in his own pockets.
----------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you
serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
'gator."
----------------------------------------------------
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow.
One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
----------------------------------------------------
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ----
It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
----------
Legal business card:

	Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe
	Attorneys at Law
----------
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

			...Benjamin Franklin.
----------




