
                        The SysOp's Guide to D00Dspeak
 
 A phenomenon exists across the BBSs in this nation which makes it difficult 
to understand a portion of the users on these systems.  Where once English and 
plain communication presided there now exists a growing vile undercurrent:  
This scourge is D00Dspeak.
 
 The world of computers contains jargon and babble that would confuse the 
uninitiated, but this new lexicon of clever children can reduce even those in-
the-know to blathering idiots in short order.  Before you can take the steps 
to become fluent, you must understand it's origins:
 
 * WHAT IS A D00D?
 
 A dude is a computer user who has a modem and seeks to differentiate himself 
from un-d00dz.  Since the nature of BBS communications make it nearly 
impossible to base prejudice against a user from external clues like 
appearance, speech patterns, and general poise; d00dz provide the missing 
plumage through "clever" misuse of the English language and the ASCII 
character set.
 
 * NATURE AND FEEDING HABITS
 
 A d00d is typically a teenage computer user of often higher intelligence than 
his non-computer peers.  Though the very use of the computer tends to signify 
the potential for higher-reasoning, this innate ability is discarded for the 
motif of the carefree know-it-all-and-then-some user.
 
 Physical characteristics are difficult to assimilate into one stereotype as 
d00dz can be observed only via indirect means.  D00dz are primarily active 
during the 3 pm to 9:30 pm period during weekdays but may prowl at any time 
during weekends and school holidays.
 
 Secondary behavioral characteristics include, but are not limited to, in-
depth involvement with sociopathic fantasies, feigned homophobia, scathing 
rebuttals to innocent enquiries by other users, preoccupation with the 
construction of explosive devices, crude discussions of sexual activity and 
genitalia, and base references to human excretory functions.
 
 D00dz seem to draw sustenance only from fast-food franchises and solemnly 
attest to their consumption of large volumes of alcoholic beverages.
 
 Though often a d00d has no first-hand knowledge with going on a lost weekend, 
it is not unusual to see one claim to have "gotten so wasted" as to not be 
able to finish "the third bottle of 151".  "Cafeteria" food seems to repel 
d00dz, as they prefer to spend their lunch money on pizza and Big Macs.
 
 * DISTINGUISHING A D00D FROM AN AVERAGE USER
 
 D00dz have the ability to blend into the general user population if needed, 
but sometimes forget their attempt at stealth.  Though the d00d may not exude 
blatant warning signs, subtle differences can be discovered upon careful 
scrutiny.
 
 A d00d is far from k00l if he doesn't have a "signature".  It is nearly a 
requisite that this signature contain several of the foreign characters found 
in the IBM high-ASCII set.  Examples:
 
      #g#$t #$#r##     ##r#+# M#s+#r     (The !-k#r?
      #!. |\|a#h-M    D**P -hr/#!       ##pt#a- !#r#
 
 Advanced versions have animation, every color available via ANSI control 
codes, and occupy 70% or better of the total message.
 
 A d00d has the yearning desire to run a limited-access BBS for all his k00l 
friends.  Often these systems traffic only in pirated game software, erroneous 
phreaking information, and text files describing various felonious acts.  Due 
to funding constraints, these BBSes are usually limited in hours to 10am until 
10pm.  But if you call "NOW!!!!!!" you can be a co-sysop. This is a big help 
if you like to steal other user's passwords and home phone numbers.
 
 D00dz tend to ignore (or misuse), punctuation leave incomplete sentences 
"dangling, and; sometimes.  Run-on sentences are also very favorite.
 
 Sexual intercourse occupies a large portion of a d00d's higher brain 
activity.  Often a d00d will exaggerate about the sexual partners he has 
"had", but when pressed for details will only respond with a meek "well, if 
you don't know by now, I ain't gonna tell you..."  In place of voluptuous 
"babes - eager for it", a d00d will substitute every single XXX-rated .GIF 
your BBS has available.  Astute sysops will relabel Disney characters as:
 
 BAMBI   .GIF 720k : Awesome piece of meat who likes it in the woods!!!
 BASHFUL .GIF 601k : One of seven hot, hot images - over 21 only!!!
 GOOFY   .GIF 422k : XXX - You've never seen it like this before!!!
 
 Color is also a significant tip-off.  If a user tends to use color for no 
apparent purpose, chances are he is a d00d.
 
 * DANGERS OF D00DZ
 
 D00dz are intrinsically harmless to your computer and BBS.  However, just as 
barnacles on a ship impede it's progress, a d00d can cause your system to 
become an electronic wasteland devoid of anything resembling stimulating 
conversation.
 
 Though your BBS will use the same amount of electricity whether or not a d00d 
is monopolizing it, the purpose of most BBSes extends slightly beyond creating 
a Romper Room for introverted teenagers. Every minute that a d00d spends on 
your system is one less minute that an intelligent (or even literate) caller 
could have utilized.
 
 Further, d00dz tend to litter your hard disk with pirated and corrupt files, 
pointless messages (sent in the hope of beating the post/call ratio), and 
other sorts of tripe than can be the cause of hypertension and other SysOp 
physical ailments.
 
 Discouraging d00dz from calling and eliminating those who manage to call 
anyway is a highly rewarding activity.  Call-back user verification seems to 
work wonders for this, but some SysOps may care to take a more active stance:
 
  1> Randomly change user CTRL-x macros to user's real phone number.
  2> Forward d00d's private mail to another d00d.  Get a "conspiracy"
     going with two against another.  Works especially well with #1.
  3> Periodically jiggle the phone on its cradle during long downloads.
  4> Modify BBS source code to interpret "/S" as "/ABT" for certain
     security levels.  Assign d00dz this SL.
  5> Set up a private sub that has lists of FBI phone numbers labeled
     as "extender codez".  Allow only d00dz to see it.
  6> Send $1, in the d00dz real name, to an evangelical Christian fellowship.
     Include his address, home phone number, and mention he is hospitalized
     with a terminal illness and is going to be writing his will soon.
  7> Set your BBS to make 4:30am d00d-check call during nightly routines.
  8> Call d00d with your voice line every time you see him logged on to be
     sure he figured out how to disable call waiting.
  9> Randomly press F3 during d00d activity.
 10> Create "AWESOME!!! on-line game" that subtracts 20 points from user's
     security level.  Have it send 300 ASCII "beeps" each time its run.
 11> Delete any user with "Captain", "Agent", "Master", "Ninja" or numerals
     as part of his name.
 12> Modify editor to abort any message with more than two consecutive "!"s.
 13> Modify editor to time out on any user who uses "sucks" more than twice.
 14> Modify BBS to delete anyone who attempts to chat again after being told
     "SysOp not available, use feedback instead".
 15> Modify "Flashing Red" color sequence (CTRL-P, 7) to hang up on user.
 
 D00dz are persistent.  These techniques will not permanently deter a die-
hard, but time wounds all heels.  Eventually, if you delay him enough, he will 
reach late puberty and will spend more of his time asking his parents for car 
keys than bothering you.  This is the moment to savor - he has left your BBS 
and will now spend the next two or three years resurfacing the streets with 
rubber at each and every stoplight...
 
 * THE LEXICON OF D00DSPEAK
 
 filez       This term refers to "files".  D00dz have a fixation with the
             letter "Z".
 
 d00d        The subject of this profile.  Slightly higher than goldfish in
             attention span.
 
 k00l        Refers to the relative acceptance level of an idea or object.
             Also provides clues as to how many "babez" the d00d has "had".
 
 l8tr        Refers to a time in the future.  Typically disguises d00d's age.
 
 welp        Babies are born, birds are hatched, d00dz are welped.
 
 elite       A misnomer that suggests special privileges.  Often allows
             access to all 71 disks of Leisure Suit Larry XXIII.
 
 phreaking   A special method whereby d00dz can involve their parents in
             the hobby by having men in grey sedans follow the parents
             everywhere.
 
 codez       Another "Z" term.  Refers to special symbols and incantations
             a d00d may use to encourage the men in the grey sedans to
             arrive faster, in larger numbers, and bearing litigation.
 
 PBX         Private Branch Exchange.  Assists d00dz in spending 126 hours
             hacking library card catalog systems.
 
 BTW         By The Way.  Often used as shorthand by "power-d00dz".
 
 duz         (that mean something?)
 
 (sys)'OP    Refers to the person who provides free babysitting for d00dz.
 
 warez       Special software that is commercially sold and stolen by
             d00dz.  Typically a video game, often missing vital portions.
 
 yo!         The preamble to any sentence a d00d speaks.
 
 awesome     The adjective to any sentence a d00d speaks.
 
 !(!!!!!!)   The postscript qualifier to any d00d sentence that contains
             more than one word.
 
 .           Hypothetical - but never observed - postscript qualifier to
             a d00d sentence.
 
 *           Special d00d color.  Possibly religious symbolism.
 
 ATH0        The "final solution" for the vile scourge of d00dspeak.

