Anatomy of a C64 user - a SysOp's guide to Commodore users.
                         Electrik Kool Aid - April 1990

As a SysOp, I've grown to find a special dislike for people that use
Commodore computers.  This is not a prejudice against the decent
people (very rare) who through either lack of cash or ignorance (Gee
Honey, lets buy Junior a computer so he has a future.  K-mart has them
on sale...) purchased this mass-marketed wonder, but a firm
disenchanment with the majority who also purchased a auto-dial modem
for it.

In the early days of home computers when everyone was limited to 16k
and cassette drives, the typical computer nut was an intelligent,
resourceful "hacker" who wasn't content to sit and play Pong - s/he
pushed the limits of his/her hardware to see what it could do.  With
the advent of modems these people found an avenue to share their
knowledge and programs with one another, no matter how isolated s/he
was from other hackers.

Today's entry-level users are a breed apart.  The C64 seems to attract
stupid, belligerent children who can not form complete sentences.  Just
like CB radios, once the price-point was reached where everyone could
afford a modem, the trash infiltrated swiftly.  As a sysop, it is in your
best interest to be able to identify these people before they become a
threat to your sanity.

EARLY WARNING SIGNALS

The first warning sign is when someone types "NEW".  If this is followed
shortly by a handle containing the words "Captain", "Pirate" or "Master"
you should go to low-level alert.  If the handle is the name of a TV
wrestling hero, the name of a Star Trek character, a current political
figure, or a "macho" movie character ("Rambo") you should immediatly
assume a defensive posture.  If the call was made at 300 baud, prepare
for sysop-disconnect.

The third warning sign comes when your BBS requests a phone number from
the caller.  One of two scenarios arise: 1> the phone number is entered
without an area code and rejected by the BBS two or three times.  2> For
some reason, people who do not know how to punctuate or type in anything
other than caps seem to know every telephone company "test" number in
existance.  (Always keep a list of these numbers handy by your monitor)
If you have not already assumed low-level alert, do so now.

If your system supports 40 column displays, and the user selects this
option, you should go to high-level alert.

If your system requires new users to fill out a questionare or leave a
message to the sysop, your last early warning sign is when he A> enters
an age greater than 60, B> puts anything to do with Dungeons and Dragons
for the "occupation", C> puts a career you know pays greater than $40k/yr
for "occupation", D> has extensive trouble with the editor or E> types a
message in all caps that contains the words k00l, warez, welp, l8tr, or
"yo!".  These are high-level warnings and defensive maneuvers should be
initiated.

* MAIN MENU WARNINGS

There are several tip-offs to a Commodore user who by chance may have
passed through all the previous areas unscathed.

If your new user immediatly attempts to access the files, and/or you
run a non-standard BBS (E.G. WWIV) and the user whacks the "F" or "D"
key over and over (maybe the BBS will get the idea?) be prepared for
phase two:

The user will attempt to CHAT.  If this occurs in less than 2 minutes
from logon, you should avoid answering the call.  If you do, you will
experience the typical "Commie-CHAT-assault".

   "YO DUDE!  WHERES THE FILEZ?"
   "What do you mean?"
   "I'VE GOT ALL THE LATEST WAREZ!!!!!!!!!!!" <-- note his sincerity
   "I'm sorry, I don't have any C64 downloads, try BBS X."

At this juncture if the person doesn't drop carrier, my condolences.

   "OH. WELP, PUT THE SYSOP ON.  MAYBE HE COULD MAKE A C64 AREA."
   "I am the SysOp."
   "OH. WELP.  A) COULD YOU MAKE A FILEZ AREA?"
               B) WILL ZIP RUN ON THE COMMIE?"
               C) GOT ANY CODEZ?"
               D) WANNA BUY A C64 DISK DRIVE?"
               E) COULD I HAVE ELITE ACCESS?"
               F) HOW DO YOU DO ANSI?"
               G) CAN I BE A CO-SYSOP?"
               H) GOT ANY GIFS TO TRADE?"
               I) WHATS YOUR REAL NAME / VOICE NUMBER?"

* THE OVERALL CLUES

There are several methods to detect a Commodore user, even if he isn't
as overtly annoying as the above examples:

1> A C64 user never reads messages.
2> A C64 user may post messages about the k00l BBS he runs from 10pm
   till 10am.  CALL NOW DUDEZ!!!!!!!!!!
3> A C64 user will download a 270k IBM-only file at 300 baud.
4> A C64 user will never log off correctly.  Dropping carrier is as
   natural to him as using serial ports for disk I/O.
5> A C64 user will set off the chat call every time he logs on.  If by
   chance your BBS software limits the hours this will happen, he will
   repeatadly attempt to CHAT anyway.
6> A C64 user will batch download every X-rated image file you have.
7> A C64 user will try every SysOp-only function he happens to know of.
8> A C64 user will use every slang term describing female anatomy at
   least three or four times per logon.
9> A C64 user will ask if anyone has hardware for sale (I.E. 9600 baud
   modem, C64 hard disk, laser printer, etc.) for "like 60 bucks?????"
10> A C64 user's vocabulary is centered around the word "sucks".
11> A C64 user will play Tradewars, attack everyone in sight, and kill
    himself so he can start over with a new ship the next day.
12> A C64 user does not comprehend on-line help.  Phrases like "Press a
    key to continue", "Type ? for menu", and "Enter your REAL name" are
    totally beyond his comprehension.
13> A C64 user does not read SysOp announcments, prefering to get the
    same information via the CHAT call.
14> A C64 user has a "signature" comprised of between 7 and 30 lines.
15> A C64 user trys to maintain at least 5 active accounts on every BBS.
    This allows him to send mail to himself and perform more destruction
    in Tradewars.
16> A C64 user will never log on at 9600+ baud and rarely at 2400.
17> A C64 user may often log on and pretend he is female.  He will then
    lewdly "flirt" with other users and use the word "homo" as a verb.
18> A C64 user prefers to call 5 or 6 times in a row, logon, and hang up.
19> A C64 user will never use the words "Thank" and "You" in the same
    sentance.  Likewise, if your system happens to be down for any reason,
    he will complain about it the next time he gets through.

* THE FINAL SOLUTION

One of the easiest ways to avoid being pestered by these people is to
configure your BBS to read the "300 baud" modem result code as meaning
"No Carrier".  This way 300 baud callers can not logon.  This has the
pleasant effect of removing 70% of your user problems, C64 or not.  In
today's market with 1200 baud modems costing 50 bucks or less and 2400
baud modems running around the $100 mark, anyone who calls in with 300
baud is most likely going to be annoying no matter what they run.

If you can not configure your BBS to lock out 300 baud callers you should
attempt to make sure every menu on your system looks terrible when viewed
in 40 columns.  A nice touch is to add a carriage return code (no line
feed) 100 or more times after each menu.  1200+ baud callers and most of
the people using other computers besides IBM-compatibles (Apple, Mac,
Amiga, etc.) will likely never notice them, but C64 users will quickly
tire of watching their screen scroll for 30 seconds every time they press
a key.

If by chance you have quality callers who would be adversley affected by
the above "enhancments", you can of course begin the never-ending game of
deleting the same person over and over.  Once your C64 user determines
that you don't want him around, he and his C64 user's group will make
your life miserable.  Don't worry - you'll never win, they have more years
left to live.

* CREDITS

This SysOp guide to Commodore users is the fruit of pent-up fustration at
seeing young, and probably otherwise bright minds completely abandon their
manners when they get around a modem [HERE KID, HAVE SOME DRUGS INSTEAD].

I assume the ideal C64 BBS would immediatly begin downloading video games
at logon and eliminate the trivial things like message bases and solid
conversation.  It sure may be elitist of me, I think the proper use of
the English language (or even the USE of it) should be a skill mastered
long before a child makes it to Junior High School.

Though I suppose there is some solace to be taken that these brats aren't
out stealing my hubcaps or egging my house, I grieve for the future when
I pause to reflect upon the next generation's "leadership" potential.  If
our current leaders have ethics problems, what will the new crop of adult
citizens be like when software and telephone piracy is fast replacing
Tonka trucks and Barbie dolls?  Can someone who made super-bonus round by
wasting evil villians all his childhood ever be considered stable in the
future?  These are social questions with implications greater than just
a pissed-off SysOp...

As with any attack against any given group of people, it is not meant to
brand those who have a particular brand of computer as somehow sub-human.
I'm sure there are many people who run these machines who are decent and
enjoyable callers.  I doubt it though.

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Not bad, is it?  Charlie Lear found the file, and posted it on a Fidonet
Echo somewhere.... I couldn't resist it, and I'm an ex-Commodore user..!