
It has been almost 20 years since Consumer Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR,
Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been
introduced, and the market has changed substantially. Clearly, another
report was long overdue.  Here's the latest report:

Identifying Your Needs
----------------------
As with any major purchase, before obtaining a girlfriend you should ask
yourself exactly why you need one. Do you want an intellectual companion?  A
baby factory? A hiking partner?  Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex?
Identifying your needs is the first and most important step in selecting a
girlfriend.

The potential girlfriends you see in most showrooms tend to be loaded with
the usual flashy accessories -- large breasts, long legs, blonde hair, etc.
However, there is also a wide variety of accessories designed to appeal to
fringe markets. For example, some models come pre-equipped with pets and/or
children; others can run 10 miles while chanting Sanskrit. You should make a
list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked.  Note that some
accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a
large bosom) must be factory-installed.

Determine Your Budget
---------------------
The second question, of course, is what sort of girlfriend you can afford.
The answer is largely determined by your physical and personal
characteristics. If you are good-looking and have a commanding personality
and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy,
high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear
polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power
in mind when considering your selection.

Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CR
does not recommend this practice: due to inflating expectations, the required
monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.

Used vs. New?
--------------
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new
or used girlfriend.  The answer to this question will, roughly speaking,
be determined by your age:

Your age        Used or New
 --------        -----------
13-18 years     New
19-30 years     Lightly used
31-45 years     Extensively used
45+             New***

***Only if income exceeds $250,000/year. Otherwise, "Divorced, with kids."

New girlfriends offer the advantage of having no previous bad experiences to
project upon you. The disadvantage is that they will rarely be old enough to
open a checking account.

Used girlfriends, on the other hand, tend to be steady, reliable performers,
with the initial problems worked out. CR does advise that you use caution
when choosing models that have significantly higher than average mileage
(2.1 SO's/yr). This may be an indication that the girlfriend was a
professional.

CR's Methodology
-----------------
For our purposes, girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test
engineers, selected to typify the average male population.  All tests were
performed at CU's specially constructed facility, which included a bedroom,
kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding
the facility.  A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product
according to the following criteria: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy,
initiative, looks, and performance.

Results
--------
Girlfriends are categorized by similarity.  Within each category, variation
is not statistically significant.

Category        Comments
---------        ----------------------------------------------------
Goddess         This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped
                with all of the options you want and none of the ones you
                don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give
                you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean
                even if you don't say it, and break a bed with her
                enthusiasm. No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is
                that this model is not actually available.

Goddess-in-law  This model is similar to the Goddess, but comes with
                contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband,
                a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty
                kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.

Ms. Right       The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations.
                Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except
                possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than
                that, an excellent long-term investment. Availability is
                extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.

Babe            This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the
                options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers
                and empathy. Showy, suitable for a parade or for impressing
                your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs.

Friend          The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but
                tends to be aesthetically lacking. Availability is poor
                to fair depending on quality.

Yeah, Her       The Chevy Nova of girlfriends. Widely available, but
                useful only in a pinch, if no others are available.
                Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, with a dull finish.

Until you find her, we at CR wish you Happy Hunting!
