The *BIG* Joke File!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A selection of jokes from rn that I compiled,hope they brighten your day?!

A collague of mine is a minor hodge-podge of indie-tehno-manchester-
rave-on-hopalong-hiphopping "fun" and today he presented me with the
following...
	REPLIES PLEASE TO cpejpm1@clust.hw.ac.uk
		...and not to me. 
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 

I was flying through the sky the other day with some blades of grass 
when I came across this rather interesting publication wearing a 
housecoat ...

A CHILD'S STORY

It was a warm summer's evening and little Timmy Tittlemonger, the 
scampering water-rat, was digging a hole to bury a dead wasp he'd 
recently killed with an old cup handle. When all of a sudden, little 
Johnny Humbug The Bumlebee buzzed along in his army jeep made of acorns 
and sesame seeds and powered by buttercup gas.
  "Oh ZZ, Timmy ZZ," cried Johnny Humbug. "You must ZZ help me ZZZ, my 
uncle Tommy Truffles, who as you know is a ZZZ bluebird, has got his 
wing lodged under the pendulously skinned area 'twixt udder and inner 
thigh ZZZ of Old Mrs Plumpton the cow of Willoughby Chase."
  "Oh calamity!" ejaculated Timmy. "I'll bring my oxy-acetylene welding 
equipment made from blueberries and water-lillies, and my helmet from 
strawberry pips and puff pastry, that should do the trick!"
  So off they scampered to the scene of the wing-lodgement incident. No 
sooner had they arrived, when they saw old Farmer Partridge approaching 
the wing-enlodgement area with Randy Old Albert, the breeding bull, 
ready for his Sunday mounting.
  "Oh crikey!" buzzed Johnny Humbug, the buzzy bumblebee. "We must hurry 
in order to effect a clean dislodgement before Old Albert begins to 
service stroke sire."
  They quickly jumped on the back of Young Lenny The Trout's elderberry 
powered helicopter, first checking if he had his pilot's licence made 
from celery leaves and Edam cheese rind, and off they shot, straight to 
the epicentre of the wing-enlodgement brouhaha.
  "Oh, oh!" suggested Uncle Tommy Truffles, the wing-lodged bluebird, 
and they swiftly erected a canopy over the area made famous by the 
wedged wing, in order for them to work in the artificial light of 
cabbage leaf, as it was pleasant to do so.
  After initial scaffolding was completed, they swiftly began to bore 
test-holes in Old Mrs Plumpton's udder, to release  pertinant gases and 
salient juices. By this time, Old Albert had begun the bonding ceremony 
and started to raise his hoofs in order to achieve an effective grip on 
old Mrs P.
  There was no time for extra test-drilling, and Little TImmy 
Tittlemonger the water-rat unhesitatingly rammed a sharpened celery 
stalk into the cow's lactic bag.
  "Sploosh!" Out came a torrential gush of gorgeous white spume, tossing 
them to the ground like so many petals from a blossoming cherry tree.
  "Oh lovely!" insisted Uncle Tommy Truffles, the previously wing-lodged 
bluebird. "How can I thank you enough?"
  And they filled their acorn cups with milk from the cow.
  "What queer-tasting milk this is!" challenged Timmy Tittlemonger, and 
by the spent look on Old Albert's face, I think he was probably right, 
wasn't he, children?

*******************************************************************************


Courtesy of Reeves and Mortimer torture chambers(orders from repressive 
governments welcome)



Hope you enjoyed it,

James


******************************************************************************

The guy enters their bedroom bringing his wife a glass of water and
an asprin.

She: But dear, I don't have a headache !?
He:  Good, lets fuck then.

-- 
      +-------------------------+  +-------------------------+
      |  Tom Svaleklev, Sweden   ><  E-mail: vaxtosv@rks.se  |
      +-------------------------+  +-------------------------+



******************************************************************************
Seen in a laboratory at the Department of Computer Science in Lyngby, Denmark:

  Statistics prove that 10% of all accidents are caused by drunk people.
  It means that the rest of 90% are caused by people who didn't drink.

  For the sake of your safety, DRINK ALCOHOL!

Long Haired Nick

******************************************************************************

Taoism:         Shit happens.

Confucianism:   Confucius say: Shit happens.

Buddhism:       If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

Zen:            What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism:       This shit happened before.

Islam:          If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

Protestantism:  Let shit happen to someone else.

Catholicism:    If shit happens, you deserved it.

Judaism:        Why does shit always happen to us?

New Age:        Shit is warm.

Atheism:        Who gives a shit.

Agnosticism:    Maybe.

******************************************************************************
         You all need to read a long list of truely funny and tasteless
                           Jokes!!!!
=========================================================================
        An Indian brave came up to his chief.

  "Oh Big Chief, why you give us the names you give."
  "Mmmmm.  When your cousin was born...I look across and see
   deer leaping in field.  I name her `DearLeapingInField'.
   When your brother was born...I look up and see birds flying
   over.  I name him birds flying over...Why you ask me this,
   TWODOGSFUCKING."

====================================================================

I was talking to my wife about the current financial situation & how she
would have to make cutbacks...

Me: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without
    the ironing lady.

She: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the
     the gardener.

====================================================================

This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me.
I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it", the doctor asks?
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
"That's not so much", says the doctor.
"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day"
replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive" says the doctor.
"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day"
says the man.
"Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take
yourself in hand".
"I do", says the man. "Twice a day".

=========================================================================

         52 Good reasons why Beer is Better than Women!!!!
1.  You can enjoy a beer all night long.
2.  Beer stains wash out.
3.  You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4.  A beer will wait in the car while you go and play football.
5.  When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6.  Beer is never late.
7.  A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8.  Hangovers go away
9.  Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
15. A beer goes down easy.
16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
26. You can't catch social diseases from a beer.
27. When your interrupted by a beer it's for a good reason.
28. A beer is always satisfying.
29. A beer gets lighter the longer you hold it.
30. A beer won't tell you its pregnant for fun.
31. A beer does not come with inlaws.
32. No matter what the package, a beer still looks good.
33. To cool off a beer, all you have to do is put it in the ice box.
34. All you have to do to get over a beer is take a leak.
35. Beer doesn't complain about farting.
36. The only thing a beer tells you is when its time to go to the bathroom.
37. You are never embarraessed about the beer you bring to a party.
38. Its okay to leave a party with a different beer than the one you bought.
39. Beer won't drive you to drink.
40. You can shoot a beer.
41. A beer chaser is easier to catch.
42.  You don't need a license to live with a beer.
43.  A tree is good enough for a beer.
44.  Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't.
45.  Beer doesn't care how much you earn.
46.  Beer and "ice" don't mix.
47.  Beer won't complain about your choice of vacation - it goes along
happily.
48.  Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.
49.  Beer is happy to ride in the truck of your car.
50.  You never have to promise to respect a beer in the morning.
51.  Beer never complains about a wet spot.
52.  You can put all your old beers together in one room and they won't fight.

=====================================================================

There were 3 guys, an Australian, a German and an Englishman.  All guys were
discussing their cars etc.


The German says "I have a jaguar, and i call it 'pussy' cause it pers like
a cat."
The English man says "Well I have a BMW and i call it Concord, cause it
slices the air while it drives."

Then the Australian says "Well i've got a Holden, and i call it clitoris"

The other two guys look at him and ask why he calls his car that

The Aussie replies " Because every cunt has got one !"

=======================================================================

Yet another Mary joke,

Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was very red
And that was because
It had a pick axe through its head.

=====================================================================

A guy walks into a pub with a pig under his arm, and this pig has a
wooden leg. The guy orders a beer for himself, and a dish of water
for the pig. The barman says "No worries mate. Tell me, how did your
pig there get a wooden leg?"

The guy replies, "Look mate, this is a bloody fantastic pig. One day
I was driving home late at night when I fell asleep crashed the car.
The pig jumped out of the back, set my broken leg, found me water, and
kept me warm until help arrived. Bloody fantastic pig this."

And the barman says, "Thats a pretty impressive pig all right, but you
haven't told me how it got its wooden leg."

So the guy says, "Listen to this mate. A few weeks ago I was going
to America for a business trip. Well some idiot opened the plane door
and I was sucked out. I thought that was the end for me, but far above
me I saw the pig jump out of the plane. It swam through the air to me,
strapped on a parachute, landed me in the sea, blew up a rubber raft,
paddled to shore, hailed a taxi, and got me to my meeting with an
hour to spare!"

And the barman says, "Wow! That sure is some pig you have there, but
you still haven't told me how it got its wooden leg."

So the guy says, "Listen mate, if you had a pig this good, would you
eat it all at once?"

==============================================================

        This guy had a costume party one night.  The theme was
  to dress up as an emotion.  On the night...

        To a woman dressed all in red...
  "Your dressed as... Anger, your emotion is anger."

        A man painted completely in yellow.
  "Your dressed as...Coward...Fear, your dressed as fear."

        Then a Jamacan friend, from work, turns up.  He is as
  naked as the day he was born except for a custard pie placed over
  his crutch.

  "Dexter...Your dressed as... as...Shit mate, what are you dressed
   as?"
  "I'm f**king dis custard, mon."   (disgusted)

================================================================

Q.  HOW DO YOU GET A NUN PREGNANT
A.  FUCK HER!!!!

Q.  How do Irich men get their wives pregnant ???
A.  And you thought the Irish were dumb !!

Q.  WHY DO TAMPONS HAVE SRTINGS??
A.  SO CRABS CAN GO BUNJEE JUMPING!!

Q.  WHAT'S THE DEFINITION OF DISSAPIONTMENT
A.  FUCKING AN 8 YEAR OLD AND SHE SAYS SHES HAD BETTER.

  Q: What noise does a turkey make in space?
  A: Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!

  Q: Why did the Hubble cross the road?
  A: To take photos of the chicken.

  Q: How many astronauts does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Two. One to unscrew it, and another to install a correcting lens.

====================================================================

  A sheep grazier has hired some aboriginal farm hands to help him on
the property, one of whom's wife is pregnant... This aboriginal lady
gives birth to a white child so the father approaches the property owner
(who happens to be the only white man) wanting to know what has been going on...

Aboriginal : Ok, so what's the story, my wife just gave birth to a white
             boy bossman, whyha do this bossman?

Grazier : I didn't do anything, these things happen, honest they do,
          it's just the way nature works, every so often it happens.

Aboriginal : No, no, boss, you been foolin with my wife...

Grazier : Now look here boy, every so often these things happen, look I
          got all these white sheep and every so often ya get a black
          one, it happens...

Aboriginal : Ok, I'll forget about me boy if you forget about the
             sheep...

======================================================================

There was an Australian, American and Irish astronaut all bragging to each
other about what achievment they would to do in their careers

The Australian says " I want to be the first Australian to land on the moon"
The American says " I want to be the first Human being to land on Mars! "
The Irish astronaut says " I want to be the first human being to land on the
Sun !"
The American and Australian shake their heads and exclaim to the irishman
"You can't land on the sun it's to hot  you'll burn up ! "
The Irishman says " Well I'll go at night then ! "
===================================================================

Q.  WHAT DO YOU CALL A PREGNANT AUSTRALIAN?
A.  A DOPE CARRIER.

====================================================================

An Australian woman's car was involved in a motor accident.
A policeman asked what gear she was in.
"Can't you see for yourself? I'm wearing a floral dress with
brown shoes and a matching handbag."

An Australian woman's car was stalled at the traffic lights.
After a while a policeman approached her and asked: "Red,
amber, green, don't any of the colors suit you?"

An Australian farmer was bragging in the pub that he could get
in his Holden in the morning and drive all day without reaching
the boundary of his farm. A New Zealander who could not help
hearing the remark replied: "Interesting mate. We've got cars
like that in New Zealand too"

Q: How do you sink an Australian Submarine?
A: Knock on the hatch!

A notice in an Australian police station:
"Help the Police -- Beat yourself up."

When will the the Australian police force become sucessful?
When it catches more criminals than it employs.

Whats the definition of an australian in a 3 piece suit?
The defendant.

Q: Hear about the Australian String Quartet that is visting
New Zealand at the moment?
A: There are six members.



                       A list of classic pick-up lines
                       -------------------------------

That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed...

Do you want to see something swell?

Hey babe....do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?

Drop 'em.

What do you like for breakfast?

Is that a double ended dilldo or are you just glad to see me?

Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Hi there! I'm interested in having breakfast with you. Can I call you
or nudge you?

Excuse me. Do you wanna f**k or should I apologize?

Irish : Have you got a little Irish in you?
She:  Uh...no....
Irish: Well, do you want some?

Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate
and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?

Say, didn't we go to different schools together?

Wanna fuck like bunnies?

Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about
the first thing that pops up?

I had a friend who used to hand out calling cards which said:
        Smile if you want to sleep with me
then watch the victim try to hold back her smile...

Hi, my name's Ron, how do you like me so far?

Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us

---------

I had a friend give a card that on the front:
        1       2       3       4
                Pick a number

and then on the back of the card it read:

                Sex maniacs always pick 3

you wouldn't believe how many women pick 3. It was a great card.

---------

You smell wet.  Let's Party.

Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

Would you like to dance, or should I go fuck myself again?

Hey baby, let's go make some babies.

At the office copy machine:
  Reproducing eh?  Can I help?

Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?

-----------

~From:   MAD Magazine: Classic Flops
        Spring 1986.

        9 Very Unsuccessful Pick-up Lines:
        ---------------------------------
        1. "Would you like to see my boa constrictor?"
        2. "Is that a false nose?"
        3. "You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno."
        4. "I'm drunk."
        5. "Hi, my friends call me Creepy."
        6. "Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?"
        7. "I just threw up."
        8. "You're ugly but you intrigue me."
        9. "I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed
           like that."

------------

Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick.

You look more beautiful than Nurse Chapel

Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?

I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!

Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and say:
        Hey charlie, see anyone here you recognize?

I require a tissue sample.  May i sever a little-used portion of your body?
 (brandish forceps)

Hey, wanna see my R2-D2 impersonation?
(Think about it...)

Hey baby...infect me!

Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a bumper?!?

Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a trailer hitch?

Hey baby...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?

Hey baby...can you suck start a Harley?

Motion your finger to a girl to get her to come your way.
When she arrives say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough
you would c*m."

Hey babe, how about a pizza and a f**k?
        What's the matter, don't like pizza?

I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting...
Let's meet sometime...

I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.

---------

The front reads:

+------------------------------------+
|No Phone                 No Business|
|                                    |
|                                    |
|                                    |
|                                    |
|                                    |
|             No Name                |
|                                    |
|                                    |
|                                    |
|                                    |
|No Address                  No Money|
+------------------------------------+

And the back reads:

+------------------------------------+
|       I'M A SILENT SEDUCER         |
|                                    |
|Any chance to crawl in the sack with|
|you tonight?                        |
|If so, just keep the card: If not,  |
|kindly return it because they are   |
|expensive.                          |
|                                    |
|I'm not as good as I once was.      |
|But I'm good once as I ever was!    |
|                                    |
|P.S. You don't have to say yes      |
|                         Just Smile!|
+------------------------------------+

-------------

She (to passing man):  Excuse me, do you have the time?
He: Do you have the energy?

What is your favorite position on extramarital sex?

Hey babe, Wanna get LUCKY!!!!!!

"Say mother!  Want another?" (if she has children)

Suck my dick or I'll blow your fucking head off.  [requires a gun]

No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?

Will you marry me and have my children?  [unfortunate side-effects: beware!]

If you ever want to see your children again, you'll do what I want.

You're hitchhiking across the Mojave Desert?  Alone?

I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing
in black, did you know that? What you need now is a nice backrub.
Are the straps too tight, darling? How tragic. How very, very tragic.

Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

Bond. James Bond.

Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes.

It's absolutely pure Bolivian. And I don't *give* it away.

Nothing I can say will ease of the loss of your daughter, but rest
assured that the Morgenstern Funeral Home will do everything possible
to bring you peace of mind in this harrowing time.

Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked me
to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress.

You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone
beat me to it.

Excuse me, do you live around here often?

Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab
home together?

Would you like to see a baby picture of me?
(Shows the girl the picture of a baby better endowed that most men.)

Hello, Love, - Do you spit or swallow?

You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book...
So what's one more??

Hey babe -- did you know I'm on the Harvard Mailing List?

Your place, or mine?

What's your sign?

Nice shoes.  Wanna f*ck?

Would you like to have morning coffee with me?

Excuse me, do you wanna spoon or should I apologize?

You have the ass of a great artist.

FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS:
1: MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE IN THE FRONT OF THE PERSON WHO YOU'RE TRYING
   TO ATTRACT.
2: PUT YOUR HANDS IN A VERTICAL PLANE AND SEPERATE YOUR HANDS TO THE PROPER
   DISTANCE YOU WANT TO GET ACROSS
3: LOOK AT THE PERSON OF YOUR AFFECTIONS AND WITH A SHIT EATING-EAR TO
   EAR GRIN SHAKE YOUR HEAD UP AND DOWN AS TO REPLY THAT YOU'RE THIS
   BIG!

There's the old classic from the movie Fletch:
(to girl in towel):  Excuse me, could I borrow your towel? My car just
                        hit a water buffalo.

Your face or Mine??

Her: What do you think of this (dress, sweater, article of clothing)?
Him: I like nothing better.

The best pickup line I witnessed was a friend of mine who walked up to
a young lady in a club and asked "Are you ready to go home now?".  They left
together.

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

That's a nice dress - could I talk you out of it?

If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold _IT_ against me?

When asked for a match:
        How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?

Take off that dress and fuck my brains out you cave newt.

Nice tits.  Mind if I feel them?

I love you.  I want to marry you.  Now fuck my brains out.

Forget that!  Playing doctor is for kids!  Let's play gynecologist.

Let's take a shower together --you smell.

I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade

Kiss me you fool, fuck me you harlot.

I've got an itch, honey.  Lower. lower. in. out.

If I was Elvis, would you screw me?

I want to thank you for [insert any event here], Grab your ankles bitch!

Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess
your weight.

If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me.

Want to see my stamp collection?

Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't
floppy.

I wanna floss with your pubic hair.

I'm on fire.  Can I run through your sprinkler?

I'd look good on you.

Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?!  I thought you
knew...

At the dinner table, (if you eat together) pickup the bread and say,
        "Wanna roll?"

Excuse me, have I fu**ed you yet?

I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I've got more of something else.

Ever tried those wierd prickly condoms?"  (sure to get responses)

Funny you should mention that, I was a gynecologist once.

Cold out isn't it?  (staring at breasts)

Ya' know, that outfit would look great on my bedroom floor.....

"Actually, Ma'am, Ah'm not as tall as you think. Ah'm from Taixus, and Ah'm
sittin' on mah wallet."

Hey!  Ya wanna try out my new 'Home Artificial Insemination Kit?'

I would kill or die to make love to you.

I would die happy if I saw you naked just once.

I am writing a new algorithm, and I need some test data.  What are your
measurements?

I have some hard code I want to try your compiler on.

Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
 10. "I'm down here"
  9. "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy"
  8. "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi"
  7. "I can get you off the naughty list"
  6. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys"
  5. "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
  4. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over
      at Keebler"
  3. "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man"
  2. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig"
  1. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners"
                -- Late Night with David Letterman, from Michael Wertheim

Sometimes it can be helpful to start with a complement.  eg.  after
"accidently" bumping her boobs, noticing a loose button, etc. say
        "If they weren't sooo large it wouldn't have happened"

Sex is a killer ... so die happy!

I love every bone in your body - especially mine

"Hey... somebody farted.  Let's get out of here."

"Say, Didn't we go to different high schools at the same time?"

The most common pick-up line used in a gay bar:
        "May I push in your stool?"

I have only three months to live (heard it in a movie ...
of course, this was all before AIDS)

Chicks dig me;  I wear colored underwear.

Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus?

I'm a copilot for American Airlines.

Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.

Excuse me... do you have change for a $100 bill?

Hi! Can I buy you a Car?

NOW, B*TCH!

Fancy a fuck?

My face is leaving in 15 minutes.  Be on it.

--------------

Lines by women:

-- Please may I rest my head on your shoulder?

-- Do you know how to use this? [a vibrator]

-- How about a night of passion in Doncaster?

-----------

 He:  "What was that?"
She:  "What was what?"
 He:  "That sound."
She:  "I didn't hear anything."
 He:  "It was the sound of my heart breaking."

---------

There's always Harlan Ellison's great failure:

        Q: Wha'dya say to a little fuck?
        A: Go away, little fuck.

-----------

How about the best response to an unwanted pickup?

    Man:  So what do you do for a living?
    Woman:  Female impersonator.

----------

You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across.....

-----------end of list-------------
Female to guy:

  Hi, you look like a real wanker.
     (pause for effect)

  Want a break tonight?

 The guys usually spend so much time trying to convince you that they're not a
"wanker" (that ego thingy) that in the end they are trying to pick *you* up!!!!


And I would like to thank you for your support



               THE CANONICAL LIST OF SORORITY GIRL JOKES
  What's a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.
  What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.
You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.
  How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in
the gutter and they always come back for more.
  What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers ?
Sorority girls cost less per score.
  What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
About 40 lbs.
How do you equalize the two?
Feed the elephant.
  What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
Introduce herself.
Walks home.
  What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
  How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file.
  What's a sorority girl's favorite wine?
"Daaadddy, I want to go to mi-ammmmi."
  What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...
  Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
'Cause everyone gets a turn.
  How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a twinkie on
the bed.
  Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
  What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week.
  What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs.
  What do you call a sorority girl hang-glider festival?
Multiple total eclipses.
  What is a sorority girl's mating call...
"I'm soooo drunk,  I'm sooooo drunk!"
  What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.
  What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
Nothing.  There are some things a sorority girl won't do.
I don't know, but it sure enjoys screwing people.
I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it does't stop until it
gets blood.
  1) Tri Delts; I'm sure everyone else has.
2) If your date won't, Tri Delts.
3) Once you've tried everyone else, Tri Delts.
       __________         __________
       \        /   /\    \        /
        \      /   /  \    \      /
         \    /   /    \    \    /
          \  /   /      \    \  /
           \/   /________\    \/
       Tri Delts:  Two out of three go down.
  What do fraternity boys call hemorrhoids ?
Speed bumps.
  What's the difference between a sorority girl and a dog ?
Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.
  How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy.
7, one to change it and six to go out and buy Tab (or diet Coke).
65, 1 to do it and 64 to sing and clap.
One.  She holds on to it and the world revolves around her.
Six.  One to screw it in and five to make the T-shirts.
Ten. Nine to stand around scratching their heads, and one to
get her boyfriend to do it.
  Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks?
She's been laid all over the country.
  What three words will a sorority girl never hear?
"Attention K-mart shoppers"
  Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
So she can fantasize about shopping.
  What is a sorority girl's favorite sexual position?
Facing Bloomingdale's.
  What's the difference between Jell-o and a sorority girl?
Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
  What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
The Dead Sea
Lake Michigan
Lake Placid
  How can you tell if a sorority girl's a nymphomaniac?
She'll make love the same day she has her hair done.
  What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth?
No makeup.
  What's the difference between a sorority girl and a barracuda?
Nail polish.
  How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
Marry her.
  Whats the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet?
Only 2 men fit inside a broom closet at once
  What's the difference between a telephone booth and a sorority girl?
You don't need a quarter for the sorority girl.
Only one person can use a telephone at once.
  What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
A circus is a cunning array of stunts.
  What's the difference between a sorority girl and garbage?
Garbage smells better.
Sorority girl attract more flies.
  What' the difference between a sorority girl and a vacuum cleaner?
Nothing. They both suck.
You can buy a new vacuum when you get sick of it.
You can buy a new vacuum when it no longer sucks.
When a vacuum cleaner is full of sh*t, its easy to dump the old bag.
A vacuum cleaner can't suck a golf ball through a garden hose.
  How do you get four sorority girls on one chair?
Tell them there's a rich guy sitting on it.
Turn the chair upside down and put one sorority girl on each leg.
  What's the difference between a tribe of sly pygmies and a
sorority girl track team?
The tribe of sly pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts.
  What is the difference between a sorority girl and a rooster?
In the morning a rooster says "cock-a-doodle-doo", while a
sorority girl says "any-cock'll-do"
  Why does a sorority girl wear underwear?
To keep her ankles warm.
  What's the difference between a sorority girl and a Rolls Royce?
Not everybody has been in a Rolls Royce.
  What does the Bermuda Triangle and Sorority girls have in common?
They both swallow semen.
  What do you call 24 sorority girls walking down the street?
A case of Schlitz.
  What's the difference between a sorority girl and parsley?
You don't eat parsley.
  Why are a sorority girl and a tampon similar?
They are both stuck up cunts.
  What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in?
"Have another beer."
  What does a sorority girl make for dinner?
Reservations.
  Why does a sorority girl wear a gold diaphragm?
So her boyfriend will think he is coming into money.
  What is foreplay for a sorority girl?
Thirty minutes of begging.
  What did the sorority girl say when she knocked over a priceless Ming vase?
Oh, Daaaaddy, it's ok, I'm not hurt.
  What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a
    sorority girl?
A prostitute says "Are you done yet?", a nymphomaniac says "You're done
    already?", and a sorority girl says "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling
    beige...."


BUMPER STICKERS

         Auntie Em.  Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.  Dorothy.

         We're staying together for the sake of the cats.

         It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

         My karma ran over your dogma.

         Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

         This is not an abandoned vehicle.

         I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.

         It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.

         If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.

         Life's too short to dance with ugly women.

         My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to
         leave me.  Gosh, I'm going to miss her.

         I is a university student.

         Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

         Beer isn't just for breakfast anymore.

         Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

         Eschew obfuscation.

         Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of
         a milk carton.

         It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

         Is there life before coffee?

         Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

         Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.

         Cover me.  I'm changing lanes.

         The weather is here.  Wish you were beautiful.

         I Cayman went.

         My other wife is beautiful.

         I need someone really bad.  Are you really bad?

         Don't laugh.  Your daughter could be in this vehicle.

         Nuke the unborn baby gay whales for Christ.

         Geez if you love Honkus.

         I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

         There is one in every crowd, and they always find me.

         If money could talk, it would say goodbye.

         When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.

         Just when you think you've won the rat race, along come
         faster rats.

         If it's too loud, you're too old.

         Wink, I'll do the rest.

         The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.

         An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one
         blade of grass and not fall off the earth.

         Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the
         value of nothing.

Q: Why did the first koala fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead!

Q: Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
A: The first one hit it on the way down.

Q: Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
A: It thought suicide was in so it jumped!

Q: Why do platypuses (those fury things that live in the water) have
    flat beaks?
A: Koalas keep falling on them!
A list of limericks:

There once was a man from Namtucket,
Who had a dick so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
As he whiped off his chin,
If my ear was a cunt I could Fuck it.

There once was a rabbi named Kieth,
He used to circumsize boys with his teeth.
It was not for his liesure,
Or for sexual pleasure,
But for the cheese undernieth.

There once was a woman from Silesia,
Who said "Well if my cunt won't please ya',
Why don't you cum up my slimy old bum,
But watch that my tape worm don't seize ya'"

There once was a cowgirl from Dallas,
Who f**ked herself with a 14'' phallus.
Her boyfriend came in,
And shoved it right in,
I geuss he was probably jelous.

Nymphomaniac Jill
Tryed a dynimite stick for a thrill.
They found her vigina in North Carolina,
And bits of her tits in Brazill.


>               TYPE OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MENS ROOM
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> DRUNK         : Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants

I thought this was:

Opens fly and pulls the old fella out. Sees two, so puts one back and
pisses his pants.
=====================================================================
Subject: Ag Science students.


   There were these 3 Ag Science students  driving along this old farm
   road on day when they saw this farm, pulled in and knocked
on the farmers door.
   The farmer answered the door and the 3 students introduced themselves and
said, "We were just passing by and saw your field of buttercups and was
wondering if we could go and get us a bucket full of butter"?
   The old farmer scratched his head and said, " you boys ain't gonna get no
butter from buttercups but your more than welcome to try".
   About an hour later the 3 came back thanked the farmer and drove off with
their bucket full of butter. The farmer once again scratched and shook his
head, mumbled under his breath about, "Them damn uni students" and went on about
his business.
   About 3 months later the same 3 students came up to the farm,
knocked on the door and asked the farmer if he remembered them. He
chuckled and asked what he could do for them this time?
   Well, one of them said. We were just driving by and happened to see
you now have a field of milkweed and we were wondering if we could go
out and get us a bucket of milk?
   Once again the old farmer chuckled, shook his head, scratched it
and sarcastically said, "You boys go on out there and get your milk
from my milkweeds".
   Once again, bout an hour later the 3 came back with their bucket
FULL of milk and drove off. This time the farmer was really confused,
but just a little less skeptical.
   It was about 3 or 4 months later when the 3 agricultural students
came back and again knocked on the farmers door, this time saying that
they were driving by and saw the field full of PUSSYwillows.
        Needless to say the farmer went with them.

What do all the female deer do when the male deer are off with Santa Claus?

Go into town and blow a few bucks!
======================================================================
THE LATEST AND GREATEST AS COMPILED ON 18th October 1991,




               The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes (167)
               --------------------------------------
                          Revision 3.8

1.   Q:   What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
     A:   Gifted!

2.   Q:   How do blonde braincells die ?
     A:   Alone.

3.   Q:   How do you brainwash a blonde?
     A:   Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

4.   Q:   What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
     A:   Artificial intelligence.

5.   Q:   How does a blonde part their hair?
     A:   (Action of scissoring legs apart)

6.   Q:   Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
     A:   Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

7.   Q:   Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
     A:   She'd just dyed her hair.

8.   Q:   Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
     A:   She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it
          blown around too much.

9.   Q:   Why do blondes wear their hair up?
     A:   To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

10.  Q:   Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
     A:   You can park in the handicap zone.

11.  Q:   Why is a blonde like a turtle?
     A:   They both get fucked up when they're on their back.

12.  Q:   How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
     A:   Shine a flashlight in their ear.

13.  Q:   Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
     A:   It takes too long to retrain them.

14.  Q:   How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
     A:   There's white-out on the screen.

15.  Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
     A:   You only have to punch information into a computer once.

16.  Q:   What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
     A:   You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they
          go down on you.

17.  Q:   What did the blonde think of the new computer?
     A:   She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....

18.  Q:   Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
     A:   (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

19.  Q:   How do you kill a blonde?
     A:   Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

20.  Q:   How do blondes pierce their ears?
     A:   They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

21.  Q:   Why don't blondes eat Jello?
     A:   They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
          little packages.

22.  Q:   What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their
          head?
     A:   All you can eat, under a buck.

23.  Q:   Why don't blondes eat pickles?
     A:   Because they can't get their head in the jar.

24.  Q:   Why don't blondes eat bananas?
     A:   They can't find the zipper.

25.  Q:   Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
     A:   They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

26.  Q:   What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more
          attractive?
     A:   Her ankles.

27.  Q:   Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
     A:   Because red means stop.

28.  Q:   Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
     A:   Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."

29.  Q:   How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
     A:   By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

30.  Q:   Why don't blondes use vibrators?
     A:   They chip their teeth.

31.  Q:   Why do blondes wear underwear?
     A:   They make good ankle warmers.

32.  Q:   What do blondes do for foreplay?
     A:   Remove their underwear.

33.  Q:   What's the mating call of the blonde?
     A:   "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

34.  Q:   What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
     A:   (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

35.  Q:   What's the mating call of the brunette?
     A:   "All the blondes have gone home!"

36.  Q:   What's a brunette's mating call ?
     A:   Has that blonde gone yet?

37.  Q:   What's the mating call of the redhead?
     A:   "Next!"

38.  Q:   Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax
          now in effect in Canada)
     A:   Because they can spell it.

39.  Q:   What is 74 to a blonde?
     A:   69 plus G.S.T.

40.  Q:   Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
     A:   Toes go in first.

41.  Q:   Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
     A:   Tits go in front.

42.  Q:   What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
     A:   "Have another beer."

43.  Q:   What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning ?
     A:   Pack their lunch and send them to work.

44.  Q:   What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
     A1:  Introduces themself.
     A2:  Walks home.

45.  Q:   How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
     A:   Fertilised.

46.  Q:   How does a blonde like her eggs?
     A:   Unfertilised.

47.  Q:   What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
     A:   Opens the car door.

48.  Q:   How do blondes turn the light on after sex ?
     A:   Kick open the car door.

49.  Q:   Why do blondes like tilt steering?
     A:   More head room.

50.  Q:   Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
     A:   More leg room.

51.  Q:   What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?
     A:   Bucket seats.

52.  Q:   What do Blondes say after sex?
     A1:  Thanks Guys.
     A2:  Are you boys all in the same band?
     A3:  Do you guys all play for the Swans?

53.  Q:   What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before
          having sex?
     A:   Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

54.  Q:   Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
     A:   *Who cares?*

55.  Q:   Why do blonds have orgasms ?
     A:   So they know when to stop having sex !

56.  Q:   How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm????
     A1:  She drops her nail-file!!!
     A2:  Who cares?
     A3:  She say 'Next'
     A4:  The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
     A5:  He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes
     A6:  I mean, who really cares?
     A7:  The batteries have run out.

57.  Q:   What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
     A:   "Thanks for the refill!"

58.  Q:   What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
     A:   Data transfer.

59.  Q:   Why do blondes have more fun?
     A:   Because they don't know any better.

60.  Q:   How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
     A1:  "What's a lightbulb?"
     A2:  One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
     A3:  Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

61.  Q:   What's a blonde's favourite wine?
     A:   "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"

62.  Q:   What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
     A1:  They both have a black box.
     A2:  Both have a cockpit.

63.  Q:   What is the difference between a blond and a 747?
     A:   Not everyone has been in a 747

64.  Q:   What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth?
     A:   Gee, Are you sure it's mine?

65.  Q:   What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
     A:   "Are you sure it's mine?"

66.  Q:   How do you get a blonde pregnant?
     A:   Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

67.  Q:   How do you get a blonde to marry you?
     A:   Tell her she's pregnant.

68.  Q:   What will she ask you?
     A:   "Is it mine?"

69.  Q:   Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
          blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.
          Who picks it up?
     A:   The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus,
          the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

70.  Q:   Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
     A:   To see what was on the other side.

71.  Q:   What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
     A:   Pull the pin and throw it back.

72.  Q:   Why do Blondes take the pill?
     A:   So they know what day of the week it is.

73.  Q:   Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
     A:   Because it kept falling out.

74.  Q:   But why do brunettes take the pill ?
     A:   Wishful Thinking.

75.  Q:   Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
     A:   Because her boyfriend was also blond!

76.  Q:   If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the
          ground first?
     A:   The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

77.  Q:   What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
     A:   Her IQ goes up!

78.  Q:   Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
     A:   You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

79.  Q:   What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
     A:   Butter is difficult to spread.

80.  Q:   What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
     A:   You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

81.  Q:   What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
     A:   They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

82.  Q:   What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
     A:   Bigfoot has been spotted.

83.  Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
     A:   It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

84.  Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
     A:   The blonde has the higher sperm count.

85.  Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
     A:   Not everybody has been in a limo.

86.  Q:   What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly
          pygmies?
     A:   One's a bunch a cunning runts ...

87.  Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
     A:   You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

88.  Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
     A:   Your job still sucks after 6 months.

89.  Q:   What's the difference between a blond having her period and
          a terrorist?
     A:   You can negotiate with a terrorist.

90.  Q:   Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
     A:   Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it
          won't follow you around for a week.

91.  Q:   What do blondes and cow-pats have in common ?
     A:   They both get easier to pick-up with age.

92.  Q:   What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
     A:   The more you bang it the looser it gets.

93.  Q:   What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
     A:   They're both empty from the neck up.

94.  Q:   What do blonds and spagetthii have in common?
     A:   They both wriggle when you eat them.

95.  Q:   What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
     A:   They both have black roots.

96.  Q:   Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper?
     A:   So she could lip read.

97.  Q:   How do you drown a blond?
     A:   Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

98.  Q:   How do you drown a blonde?
     A:   Don't tell her to swallow.

99.  Q:   Why did the blonde chick drown in the pool ?
     A:   Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

100. Q:   Why do blonds have square boobs?
     A:   Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

101. Q:   How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
     A1:  10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
     A2:  Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

102. Q:   What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
     A:   Proofreading.

103. Q:   Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
     A:   For throwing out the W's.

104. Q:   How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
     A:   The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

105. Q:   What did the blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date.
     A:   If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

106. Q:   What's the Blonde's cheer?
     A:   " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
          I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

107. Q:   Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
     A:   Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

108. Q:   How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
     A:   She threw it off a cliff.

109. Q:   Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
          puzzle in only 6 months?
     A:   Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

110. Q:   What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
     A:   "Nice tits!"

111. Q:   How does a blonde high-5?
     A:   She smacks herself in the forehead.

112. Q:   Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
     A:   Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.

113. Q:   Why do blondes have legs?
     A1:  So they don't get stuck to the ground.
     A2:  To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
     A3:   So they don't leave trails, like little snails.

114. Q:   Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around
          and come home?
     A:   It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a
          television.

115. Q:   What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
     A:   The Blonde!

116. Q:   How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
     A:   Flattered.

117. Q:   Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
     A:   They always forget the 11 in 9-1-1.

118. Q:   What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked
          up by 'the fuzz'?
     A:   'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'

119. Q:   What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
     A:   An interpreter.

120. Q:   What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
     A:   A mental block.

121. Q:   What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
     A:   A wind tunnel.

122. Q:   What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
     A:   A dope ring.

123. Q:   What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?
     A:   Sweet Fuck All...

124. Q:   What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
     A:   Frosted Flakes.

125. Q:   What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
     A:   Frosted Flakes.

126. Q:   What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
     A:   Last year's hide-and-seek champ.

127. Q:   What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
     A:   A Space Invader.

128. Q:   What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
     A:   Branch Manager.

129. Q:   What do you call a smart blond?
     A:   A labrador.

130. Q:   How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
     A:   A 69 interrupted by a period.

131. Q:   What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
     A:   "Oh look!  Doughnut seeds!"

132. Q:   Why do blonds have two more brain cells than a cow ?
     A:   So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.

133. Q:   Why don't blonds breast feed?
     A:   Because they always burn their nipples.

134. Q:   Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
     A:   To cover up the valve stem.

135. Q:   What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
     A:   Spot.

136. Q:   What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
     A:   Air Supply.

137. Q:   What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
     A:   The back of her head.

138. Q:   Why do blondes drive VW's
     A:   Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!

139. Q:   How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
     A:   Tell them a joke on Friday night !

140. Q:   Why did God create blondes?
     A:   Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

141. Q:   Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
     A:   So they know if it is morning or afternoon.

142. Q:   Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
     A:   A blond electrician

143. Q:   Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
     A1:  So brunettes can remember them.
     A2:  Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.

144. Q:   Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde ????
     A:   She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!

145. Q:   Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
     A:   Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

146. Q:   Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
     A:   Because she gave blow-jobs literally.

147. Q:   What did the blonde do when she got her period?
     A:   Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?

148. Q:   Why do blondes have periods?
     A:   They deserve them

149. Q:   What did the blonde say to the physicist?
     A:   "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission!  What do you use for bait?"

150. Q:   Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
     A:   Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

151. Q:   How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
     A:   You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

152. Q:   How do you drive a blonde crazy?
     A:   Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.

153. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see
     where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.


154. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw
     a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute,
     she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.

     On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
     "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she
     had cleaned 43 restrooms.


155. How about the suicide blonde,
     she dyed by her own hand.


156. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park.  The brunette
     says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops,
     looks up, and says, "Where?"


157. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
     wrong way on a one-way street.
     Cop:      Do you know where you were going?
     Blonde:   No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
               people were leaving.


158. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
          "Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
          "Driver's licence? What's that?..."
          "It's a little card with your picture on it."
          "Oh, duh! Here it is..."
          "May I have your car insurance?"
          "What's that?..."
          "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
          "Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
          The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde
          exclaims:
          "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"


159. Hubby:        As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we
                   could do without the ironing lady.
     Blonde Wife:  Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do
                   without the gardener.


160. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
        Brunette:  Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
        Blonde:  That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
        Brunette:  My god! I had no idea he was that good.
        Blonde:  ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.


161. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
     them decides to call 911:
      Blonde:   We need help. We're three blondes changing
                a light bulb.
      Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
      Blonde:   Yes.
      Operator: The power in the house in on?
      Blonde:   Of course.
      Operator: And the switch is on?
      Blonde:   Yes, yes.
      Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
      Blonde:   No, it's working fine.
      Operator: Then what's the problem?
      Blonde:   We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
                we all fell and hurt ourselves.


162. What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
     He wanted to know who the other man was...


163. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead,
     and a blonde.  The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and
     estimated about 20 miles to shore.  So she announced, "I'm going to
     try to swim to shore."  So she swam out five miles, and got really
     tired.  She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired
     to go on, so she drowned.

     The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it.
     I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and
     starve." So she attempts to swim out.  The redhead had a lot more
     endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even
     got tired.  After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

     So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it!  I think
     I'd better try to make it, too."  So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles,
     15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island.  The shore was just in sight,
     but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!"  So she swam back.


164. This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when
     the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull
     you finger out, I'll sink?"


165. Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down
     and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks."  The other blonde looks
     and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."  "No.
     Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one
     half hour later they were both killed by a train.

166. The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what
     was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her.
     Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about
     the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and
     suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook"

167. Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
     their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

     Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

     Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
     to rain and the top is down!

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
   in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q:  Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
    Good!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q:  If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A:  It might be your bicycle.

----
Longer Jokes:
----
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4.  Let me run
     those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
     voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
-----
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain
offerred at this particular brain store.  So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for <other generic proffesion> brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
-----
     A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
     "That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
     Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
     "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"
     Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
     The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father
answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
an explanation.
     Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney.  How can I explain a
thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
-----
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.  To his dismay, there were
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.  To his surprise,
St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where
the laywer was, and greeted him warmly.  Then St. Peter and one of his assis-
tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the
line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.  The lawyer said, "I don't
mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed
your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
----
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-
scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice,
"Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20
more of them."
-----
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred
it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
thief go first, and the executioner follow."
-----
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
money there has been only one answer to that question."
----------
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly
station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides
to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a
huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete
announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until
the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting
a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight
once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear
more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with
Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the
Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the
deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I,
spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"

Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow,
this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many
times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can
get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because
he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
-----
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long
trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back
to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
    "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that
dirty lawyer of mine."
    "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you
want to have him arrested for ?"
    "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay
his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
-----
    "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man
of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
    "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
-----
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial.  It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a
jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the
hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty.  He found a
dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed
the judge back to the courtroom.  The trial was over in about 10
minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty.  The jury
went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home,
and everyone waited.

After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and
sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the
verdict.  When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they
got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict?  Hell, they're still
doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
------
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?",
someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
----------
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
grandmother.  On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
-----
The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
----
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to
cross the Atlantic Ocean.  After 37 hours in the air, George says
"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
descends to below the cloud cover.  George says, "I still can't
tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground".  So Harry
yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And
the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet
up in the air".  George turns to Harry and says "That man must
be a lawyer".  And Harry says "How can you tell?".  George says
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
useless".

That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still
worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink,
and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists
Soaked by Lawyer".
----
     For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed
an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
then stopped short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

     "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"

     "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better
to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
-----
     God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for all.

     When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think
you're going to find a lawyer?"
-----
     Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill.  Who gets it?  The old drunk, of course, the
other three are mythological creatures.
----------
     A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.  After he had
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
would like on it.

     "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

     "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter.  "In this
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.
However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."

     "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
     "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter.  "people will read it
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
-----
   An anxious woman goes to her doctor.  "Doctor," she asks nervously,
"can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
   "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
-----
     At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to
another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to
lawyers for our experiments?"
     "Really?"  the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
     "Well, for three reasons.  First we found that lawyers are far more
plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to
them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.  However,
sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings."
----
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to
which he retreated for several weeks of the year.  Each summer, the lawyer
would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to
spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods
section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with
him.  The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in
the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to
pick berries for their morning breakfast.  As they went around the berry
patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along
came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His
friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and
got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed
back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of
lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his
friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you
that the Czech was in the Male?"
----------
        It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony.  Doctor Green
came over to see him.
        "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
court when you accused me of malpractice."
        "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
it be?"
        "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
        "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
        "Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
        "What are you talking about?"
        "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
        "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
        "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
        "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
        "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.
Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it
when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an
Excedrin headache?'
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
        "Why are you reading that to me?"
        "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
        "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
        "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
        "Then get me another doctor."
        "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
This is the only place that I can practice."
        "If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally
appeal your case to a higher court."
        "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for
a kidney stone."
        "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
looking at him."
        "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize
into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher
of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
to be in a lot of pain.' "
        "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
ounce of Demerol?"
        "I better check you out first."
        "Don't check me out, just give the dope."
        "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
examined the patient completely.  It would be negligent of me if I didn't
do it now.  Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
        "What for?"
        "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued
and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
        "I'm not going to sue you."
        "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
after you pass the kidney stone?"
----------
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a
glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world,
nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in
Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All
the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to
smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas,
nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much
of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack
of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the
Lawyer through it...
--------
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
and steals a roast.  Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to
demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"  The lawyer answers,
"Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50.  Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys
don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the
shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].

Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be
unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the
lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
----------
Q:      How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1:     It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light
        bulb.
A2:     You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
        looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A3:     Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall
be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the
entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,
demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at
the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by
the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
    The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited
to, the following steps:
    1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation
at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of
elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the
party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this
point being non-negotiable.
   2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state,
local and federal statutes.
   3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first
part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of
the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").  This installation shall occur in a
manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of
this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur
in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
   NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the
objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the
fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
--------
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
     **********************************************************************

     1300.01   GENERAL

      1.  Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
     harvest attorneys.

      2.  Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.  The
     use of currency as bait is prohibited.

      3.  Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited.  If
     accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to
     nearest car wash.

      4.  It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
     machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

      5.  It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
     Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

      6.  It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
     dealerships.

      7.  It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
     prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

      8.  It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
     courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
     ambulances, or hospitals.

      9.  If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
     felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

     10.  Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
     inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

     11.  It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
     reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
     victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
     attorneys.

     BAG LIMITS

      1.  Yellow Bellied Sidewinder                     2
      2.  Two-faced Tort Feasor                         1
      3.  Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator               4
      4.  Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only)      3
      5.  Big-mouthed Pub Gut                           2
      6.  Honest Attorney                         EXTINCT
      7.  Cut-throat                                    2
      8.  Back-stabbing Whiner                          2
      9.  Brown-nosed Judge Kisser                      2
     10.  Silver-tongued Drug Defender        $100 BOUNTY
     11.  Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian                 7

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were
guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case.  He admits all these things,
but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."  St. Peter looks in
his book and says,"Yes, I see.  Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once
you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug
look on his face and replies, "Yes."   St. Peter turns to the angel next to him
and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
----------------------------------------------------
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule
what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard
to get back on your feet.
----------------------------------------------------
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands
       in his own pockets.
----------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you
serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
'gator."
----------------------------------------------------
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow.
One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
----------------------------------------------------
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ----
It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
----------
Legal business card:

        Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe
        Attorneys at Law
----------
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

                        ...Benjamin Franklin.
----------






*******************************************************************************

... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center.  When a
programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up.  That
behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
never when standing.

Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing?  Good debuggers, though,
know that there has to be a reason.  Electrical theories are the easiest to
hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static
electricity?  But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
the tops of two keys were switched.  When the programmer was seated he was a
touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
astray by hunting and pecking.

-- from the Programming Pearls column edited by Jon Bentley in CACM Feb. '85

*******************************************************************************

                          101 EASY WAYS TO SAY NO
I'd love to, but...
   1   I have to floss my cat.
   2   I've dedicated my life to linguini.
   3   I want to spend more time with my blender.
   4   the President said he might drop in.
   5   the man on television told me to say tuned.
   6   I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
   7   I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
   8   it's my parakeet's bowling night.
   9   it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
  10   I'm building a pig from a kit.
  11   I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
  12   I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
  13   there's a disturbance in the Force.
  14   I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
  15   I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
  16   I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
  17   I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
  18   I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
  19   I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
  20   my crayons all melted together.
  21   I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
  22   I'm in training to be a household pest.
  23   I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
  24   my patent is pending.
  25   I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
  26   I'm sandblasting my oven.
  27   I'm worried about my vertical hold.
  28   I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
  29   I'm being deported.
  30   the grunion are running.
  31   I'll be looking for a parking space.
  32   my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
  33   the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
  34   I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
  35   I have to fluff my shower cap.
  36   I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
  37   I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
  38   I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
  39   my plot to take over the world is thickening.
  40   I have to fulfill my potential.
  41   I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
  42   it's too close to the turn of the century.
  43   I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
  44   my subconscious says no.
  45   I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
  46   I left my body in my other clothes.
  47   the last time I went, I never came back.
  48   I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
  49   I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
  50   none of my socks match.
  51   I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
  52   I'm having all my plants neutered.
  53   people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
  54   I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
  55   I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My
       Refrigerator."
  56   I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
  57   my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
  58   I'm touring China with a wok band.
  59   my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
  60   I never go out on days that end in "Y."
  61   my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
  62   I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named
       Basil Metabolism.
  63   I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put
       it down.
  64   I'm too old/young for that stuff.
  65   I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
  66   I have too much guilt.
  67   there are important world issues that need worrying about.
  68   I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
  69   I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
  70   I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
  71   I feel a song coming on.
  72   I'm trying to be less popular.
  73   my bathroom tiles need grouting.
  74   I have to bleach my hare.
  75   I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
  76   I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
  77   you know how we psychos are.
  78   my favorite commercial is on TV.
  79   I have to study for a blood test.
  80   I'm going to be old someday.
  81   I've been traded to Cincinnati.
  82   I'm observing National Apathy Week.
  83   I have to rotate my crops.
  84   my uncle escaped again.
  85   I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
  86   I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
  87   I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
  88   I have to go to court for kitty littering.
  89   I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
  90   I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
  91   having fun gives me prickly heat.
  92   I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking
       for me.
  93   I have to jog my memory.
  94   my palm reader advised against it.
  95   my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
  96   I have to stay home and see if I snore.
  97   I prefer to remain an enigma.
  98   I think you want the OTHER  [your name]  .
  99   I have to sit up with a sick ant.
 100   I'm trying to cut down.
 101   ... well, maybe.

*******************************************************************************

Many have experienced the confusion of traffic accidents and have
had  to summerize correctly what happened in a few words or  less
on insurance or accident forms.   The following quotes were taken
>From those forms and were eventually published in the Toronto Sun
Paper.


 1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a
    tree I don't have.

 2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of
    it's intentions.

 3) I though my window was down, but I found out it was up when I
    put my hand through it.

 4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

 5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

 6) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

 7) The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of
    times before I hit him.

 8) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
    mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

 9) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

10) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way
    home, as I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up,
    obscuring my vision.

11) I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the
    wheel and had an accident.

12) I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my
    universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident.

13) As I approched the intersection, a stop sign suddenly
    appeared to stop in time to avoid the accient.

14) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the
    pedestrian.

15) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other
    vehicle.

16) An Invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and
    vanished.

17) I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my
    hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.

18) I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side
    of the street when I struck him.

19) The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over
    him.

20) I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off
    the hood of my car.

21) I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later
    found in a ditch by some stray cows.

22) The telephone pole was approching fast, I attempted to swerve
    out of it's way, when it struck the front of my car.

*******************************************************************************

----------------------------------------------------------------
THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.

The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put
the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of
the bull.

An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a
great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous
generation and study of rocks.

English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.

By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.

If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire.

Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures
another individual by accident.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often
in the winter.

The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have
more convulsions.

For fainting:  rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above
the hand instead.

For fractures:  to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

For dog bite:  put the dog away for several days.  If he has not recovered,
then kill it.

For nosebleed:  put the nose much lower than the body.

For drowning:  climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
artificial perspiration.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For head colds:  use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat

--------------------------------------------------------------------
                 T.A.F.E    C O U R S E S
            A U T U M N     S E M E S T E R
    E V E N I N G   C L A S S E S   F O R   A D U L T S
--------------------------------------------------------------------

SOCIAL SCIENCE DIVISION
- Creative Suffering
- Overcoming Peace of Mind
- You and your Birthmark
- Guilt Without Sex
- The Primel Shrug
- Ego Gratification Through Violence
- Moulding Your Child's Behaviour Through Guilt and Fear
- Dealing with Post Self-Realization Depression
- Whine your Way to Alienation
- How to Overcome Self-Doubt through Pretence and Ostentation

BUSINESS AND ADMINISTRATION DIVISION
- Money Can Make You Rich
- Talking Good : How You Can Improve Speech and Get a Better Job
- "I Made $100.00 in Real Estate"
- Packaging and Selling Your Child (Parents Guide to the Slave Market)
- How to Profit from Your Own Body
- Career Opportunities in Iraq
- Underachievers Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities
- Filler Phrases for Thesis Writers
- Tax Shelters fot the Indigent
- Looter's Guide to America's Cities

HOME ECONOMICS DIVISION
- How you can Convert Your Family Room into a Garage
- How to Cultivate Viruses in Your Refrigerator
- Burglarproof Your Home with Concrete
- Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
- Sinus Drainage at Home
- 101 Other Uses for your Vacuum Cleaner
- The Repair and Maintenance of Your Virginity
- What to do with Your Conversation Pit
- How to Convert a Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy
- Christianity and the Art of TV maintenance

LIFE, HEALTH AND FITNESS DIVISION
- Creative Tooth Decay
- Exercises and Acne
- The Joys of Hypochondria
- High Fiber Sex
- Suicide and Your Health
- Biofeedback and How to Stop
- Skate Your Way to Regularity
- Understanding Nudity
- Tap Dance Your Way to Social Ridicule
- Optional Body Functions

FINE ARTS DIVISION
- Self Actualisation through Macrame
- Needlecraft for Junkies
- Cuticle Craft
- Gifts for the Senile
- Bonsai Your Pet
- Creative Writing with Sticks
- Body Painting for the Elderly
- 100 Ways to Wok Your Dog
- Belly Dancing for the Obese
=========================================================================
 Two words you don't want to hear in the men's room:
      "Nice dick"

  Three words you don't want to hear during sex:
      "Honey, I'm home"

===========================================================================
                       Fresh Every 2.7 Days

                         PEE YU PLATTER
                       Clothes Pins Extra

                         HOO FLUNG POO
                 Napkins & Raincoats Provided

                          SUC SUM TIT
                       Children's Special

                         YUNG POON TANG
                   No Take Out Orders Accepted

                        LUNCHEON SPECIALS

                  SUM YUNG CHICK..........$6.99
                  Different and Delicious

                  WON HUNG LO..............$6.99
                  Chinese Meatballs

                  SUM DUM FUC..............$9.69
                  Same - #1 But With Extra Sauce

                  CHU SUM TWAT............$16.99
                  Dinner - Parties Of 3 Or More

                  SUC MI PORK..............$9.69
                  Chef's Special

                  FUC YU MAN...............$6.69
                  Specialty Of The House


                         DINNER COMBINATIONS
                     Includes Smeg Roll & Fortune
                                Nookie

                  1. GOO IN HAND...........$9.69
                     For Those Dining Alone

                  2. GOO WEE CHICK.........$6.99
                     Sloppy Seconds - No Charge

                  3. CUM TU SOON...........$6.99
                     Order Early - These Go Fast

                  4. SUC MI WANG...........$6.99
                     Traditional Chinese Meatloaf

                  5. SUM DUM CHICK.........$4.99
                     You Get What You Pay For

                  6. FUC MEI SLO...........$6.69
                     Not Available After 10PM

                  7. LIK MI CLIT...........$6.99
                     A Delicious Lick Smacking
                     Oriental Delicacy

                  8. CHO KON IT............$9.99
                     Not For The Light Throated

                  9. FUC SUM NOW...........$6.99
                     For Those In A Hurry

                 10. WAI TU YUNG..........$4.99
                     Not Available On School
                     Nights

                 11. TUNG SUM CHICK.......$8.99
                     A Taste Bud Tingler

                 12. SUM GULP CUM.........$9.69
                     Low-Cal Diet Special
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Drop Trouser, Sydney  2120.


Dear ___________,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and
represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.

Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of
Directors feel that your wearing of our product in advertisements does not
portray a positive romantic image for our product.  A loose, baggy and
wrinkled condom is not considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using poly-grip, but even
then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken.  We would like
to note however that yours is the first we have seen that looked like a
bicycle grip.

We appreciate your interest and would like to thank you for your time.  We
will retain your application for possible future consideration.  If by
chance we decide there is a market for mini-condoms we will call you.

We send greetings and sympathy for your lady.

Sincerely,

Burly Dick, President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY,  INC.

P.S. Remember our slogans:

   Cover your stump before you hump!
   Don't be silly, protect your willie!
   Never deck her with an unwrapped packer!
   Before you attack her, wrap your whacker!
   If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!
   A Tiskit, a taskit, a condom or a casket!

 "The Hole In The Bed" by Mr. Completely
 "Safety On The Rifle Range" by Miss Fyre
 "Holes In The Toilet" by I. P. Stones
 "Yellow River" by I. P. Freeley
 "Rusty Bedsprings" by I. P. Nightly
 "In The Bushes" by I. P. Dailey
 "How The Homos Came To Be" by Ben Dover
 "The Bear Got Me" by Claude Bawls
 "Under The Grandstand" by I. Seymour Butz
 "Spots On The Wall" by Pickett & Flickett
 "I Dare You" by Hugo Furst
 "Tragedy On The Cliff" by Eileen Dover
 "Elephant's Dong" by Miles Long
 "How To Upkeep Your Yard" by Lon Moore
 "Running Milk" by I. Suckatit
 "Open Komono" by C. Moore Hayers
 "Tracks In The Sand" by Peter Dragon
 "The Bride's Big Surprise" by E. Norma Speeder
 "Shorter Miniskirts" by Seymour Hiney
 "Race To The Outhouse" by Willie Maykit
      Illustrated by Betty Doant, foreward by Betty Woant
 "Bloody Saddles" by Ontha Ragg
 "Stained Ceilings" by I.B. Yakinov, foreward by Jack Knauf
 "The Joy Of Self-Abuse" by Dick Pullar, foreward by Jack Goff
 "The Art Of The Strip Tease" by Oliver Klosoff
 "Sex In The Vatican" by Ho Lee Fuk
 "French Athletes" by Jacques Strappe
 "Lying To Your Lover" by Faye King
 "Why I Like Chevys" by Iona Ford
 "Genital Grooming" by Harry Dix
 "Women In Jazz" by Bertha D. Blooz
 "Father Gets Even" by Amanda B. Reckinwith
 "Loving Two Women At The Same Time" by W. Pleasure and W. Funn
 "Tax-free Withdrawals" by Robin Banks
 "Gay Fashion" by Leo Tard
 "Unbelievable" by Frank Lee Stund
 "Venereal Disease Symptoms" by Dick Boyles
 "Why I Became A Woman" by Mike Hunt
 "That Loveable Lush" by Al Koholik
 "Pile In The Desert" by Squatten Lee Vitt
 "Beer: The Secrets To Success" by Phil R. Upp
 "How To Leave Early" by Ken I. Gonow
 "How To Make More Room In A Bed" by Sly Dover
 "Chinese Vulgarities" by Phuck Yoo
 "Programming With Oriental Computers" by C. P. Yoo
 "Down The Flag Pole" by Dick Burns
 "Highrise Ups and Downs" by L. E. Vader
 "Chinese Golfing Techniques" by Ho Lin Wun
 "How I Betrayed You, My Buddy" by Scrooge Orwyfe
 "Puppet Masters And Their Secrets" by Hal D. Doody
 "How Not To Act Around The Physically Impaired" by Ken U. Wock
 "How to Lose Weight" by Yudo Neet
 "Runner's High" by Ira N. Minnymiles
 "Shaving Your Entire Body" by Harry Oliver
 "Experimenting With Drugs" by Ike N. Fly
 "How To Make Yourself Blind" by Harry Pawms, foreward by B. Churmeet
 "Child Psychology" by I. B. Goode
 "The Ruined Sheets" by C. Menstains
 "The Bulimic's Guide" by Thoreau Upp
 "Life On Other Planets" by Edie Foanhoam
 "Urinary Tract Infections" by I. Pease Eldom
 "Blood On The Hurdles" by I. Hung Lo
 "Winter Driving Tips" by I. C. Rhodes
 "Home Canning" by Sal Minella
 "Is It In Yet?" by Izzy Honor
 "Finishing Your Own Furniture" by Lynne C. Doyle
 "How To Be A Nursemaid At Home" by Karen Feeding
 "Hawaiian Orgy" by Cummoniwannalayya
 "The Best Erogenous Zones" by Val Gyna
 "Circumcision" by Dick Hertz
 "The Pregnant Nun" by Pastor Period
 "How I Got High" by Iona Shringe
 "So You've Testified Against The Mafia, Now What?" by Yurin Trubble
 "How To Hang Drapes" by Kurt N. Rod
 "Artificial People" by Frank N. Stein
 "Here I Come!" by R. U. Reddy
 "Productive Complaining" by Belle E. Akin
 "Don't Do It" by Yul B. Sawry
 "How Not To Handle Stress" by Sue E. Syde
 "Little Women" by Barbie Dahl
 "Throwing Money Away" by Phil T. Rich
 "Play It Safe" by Justin Case
 "The Marlena Dietrich Story" by Ivana Beale Owen

   Penis Song From Monty Pythons Meaning of life

..Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis,
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong.
It's swell to have a stiffy, It's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger, to the worlds biggest prick.
So three cheers for your Williy or John Thomas,
Horray for you one-eyed trouser snake.
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your percy or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons,
You can slip it in your sock.
But don't take it out in public or they'll stick you in the dock...
and you won't a-come a-back

  Oh, thank-you very much!

                    THE CIVIL SERVANT'S DOG
                    -----------------------

   Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was
an engineer who said his dog could draw. His dog's name was "T-Square",
and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a
triangle, which he did with no sweat.

   The accountant said he thought his dog, "Balance", could do better.
He told him to fetch a dozen cookies and divide them into piles of
three, which he did with no problem.

   The chemist said that was a very good stunt, but that his dog,
"Apothecary", could do better yet.  He told his dog to get a quart of
milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. Apothecary did this
without a hitch.

   All three men agreed their dogs were equally smart.  They turned to
the Civil Servant and asked him what his dog could do.  The Civil Servant
called his dog, whose name was "Coffee break", and said, "Show the
fellows what you can do, old buddy."  Coffee Break then strolled over and
ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other
three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so.  He then filed
a grievance for unsafe conditions, applied for Workers' Compensation,
and left for home on sick leave.

|> Here's another good telephone joke ,
|> but you'll need a couple of freinds to do it with .....
|>
|> Have your freinds call up a certain number and have them ask for
|> 'Dan' for example,
|> and when there's no Dan there , of course they'll get
|> the reply 'I'm afraid you have the wrong number',
|>
|> Keep this up a couple of times ,
|> and then finally call up and say
|> 'Hi this is Dan , any messages?'
|>
|> AND WAIT FOR THE REPLY !!!!!!
|> (or else stunned silence !)


     A man enters a bar a asks, "Does anybody in here own the big
black Doberman out front?"
     A large, muscular Hell's Angel type biker says, "It's mine.  What
about it?"
     The first man answered, "My dog just got into a fight with your
dog, and my dog killed your dog."
     The biker said, "What kind of dog do you have?"
     The first man said, "A chihuahua."
     In disbelief, the biker went outside to investigate.  A very large
black Doberman lay dead on the sidewalk, but the chihuahua was not in
sight.
     "Where is your dog?" asked the biker.
     The other man replied, "He's stuck in your dog's throat."


A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see
walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking
along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud
"THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. This pasttime was
immensely enjoyable to the truck driver.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitch
hiking, so he thought he would do a good turn by offering the priest a
lift. So he pulled the truck over and asked the priest, "Where are you
going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!" replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." With that,
the happy priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the truck driver
continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and
instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a
priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the
road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he
missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".

Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and
when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry,
Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"



        There were two high school friends, Artie and Dominick, who
did everything together, and were the absolute best of friends.  Then
they went off to different colleges and were separated for several years.
One day, however, Artie was sitting and a bar and looks over and sees his
old friend Dominick
        "Dominick?" he shouts
        "Artie?"  Dominick replied.
        Obviously they were happy to see each other again, and spent a long
time catching up on old times.  Along the course of the conversation, Artie
asked Dominick what he did as a career.
        "I'm an inventor," Dominick said.
        "Wow," said Artie, "you must be loaded!"
        "Well, I would be, except for my wife spends all my money.  I really
hate her and wish she were dead!"
        "well, hey," Artie said, "I'm a hit man!  I can knock her off for
ya!"
        Dominick was pleased with this idea, and offered Artie a great deal
of money to do this.  Artie, however would not take it, saying that it would
be free for his best friend.  Dominick felt bad about this, and kept trying
to pay SOMETHING to Artie, but he refused.  Finally Dominick said, "Listen,
let me pay you, alright?  Just a dollar, okay?  A dollar to say that I paid
you. Please?"  Finally, Artie agreed to the cost of one dollar, and the
plans were made.
        Later, while Dominick was away, Artie went to his house and strangled
his wife.  Just as she died, the butler walked into the room, so Artie
strangled him as well.  Seconds after his death, in walked the maid, so once
again, he was forced to strangle another person.  Finally, after she was dead,
he raced out of the house and down the street, but was caught by the police.
Next day the headlines read:
        ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR AND DOMINICK'S

=========================================================================
One day MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT OF HONEY so he took Miss HERSHY behind
he POWERHOUSE OF 5TH AVENUE.  He unstrapped her RESE CUPS and started
feeling her MOUNDS. This turned out to be pure ALMOND JOY.  His BUTTERFINGERS
slipped down her MILKY WAY and she screamed OH HENRY and grabbed his
NUTTY BUDDY.  The results of this was a BABE RUTH.


2 robbers from Puerto Rico felt that the Police were getting hot on their
trail, so they decided to move far away to Montreal and continue their
life of crime in the new city.  Unfortunately they just did not quite
understand winter.  They were arrested the morning after their first
break-in. The police just followed their footsteps in the snow from the
store to their house...

=========================================================================



There once was a party of four
Who couldn't fit inside a door
I'm sure you'd agree
That these four would be
Harpooned if they swam off the shore

The leader of the group was Chasm
Ever seen fifteen chins -- he has 'em
When he engulfs food
The image so lewd
Gives everyone near muscle spasms

His three friends - Gorge, Inhale, and Glop
Consumed food with nary a stop
Once at Donut World
Their frenzy unfurled
They had coffee, donuts, and a cop

They walked with a side-to-side gait
Because of their tremendous weight
Well you may not buy it
But they tried to diet
Against hunger that no one could sate

They were doing well at their slimming
The fat on their meat they were trimming
But their effort was tossed
They gained back what they'd lost
And hunger was already brimming

They burst out of Weight Watchers that night
Buildings were crushed under their might
And then the group did meet
A sign - All You Can Eat
And thus began the terrible blight

The manager gasped at the terrible sight
His whole body trembled with great fright
How could Ponderosa
End up as the host o'
Four who could block the sun's light

He quickly became incoherent
As he watched his food disappearin'
They've eaten their valet
And inhaled the buffet
Now at the kitchen they were leerin'

The chefs cowered before the quartet
Seeing hunger that no one could whet
They consumed all in sight
On that horrible night
Eating everything that they could get

They widened before everyone's eyes
Surrounded by thousands of flies
But so greatly loaded
Their bodies exploded
And fireworks lit up the skies

Those four will not really be missed
For they had many people pissed
They ravaged a town
Knocking buildings down
And that's just the start of the list

But this story does have a lesson
Eating too much Crisco and Wesson
Leads to massive weight gain
And abdominal pain
And heart attacks can be distressin'
=========================================================================

=========================================================================
Tourist class in an airplane. Two arabs in the window and centre seats, a Jew
is on the aisle. The arabs ask the jew if he'll get them some orange juice so
they won't have to crawl over him. While he's in the galley they spit in his
shoes. He brings the juice back. As the plane starts to land, he puts his shoes
on, feels what's happened, and turns to them. "When will it stop? The hatred,
the violence, the killing...the spitting in the shoes?...The pissing in the
orange juice?"
=========================================================================

There was this young boy coming of age and his father wanted to show him
the facts of life. So he gave him 20 bucks and sent him down to the
local brothel to have a good time. So the boy runs along excited about
what was about to happen to him when he happens to pass Grandma's house.
So she asks him where he's going. When he tells her, she offers to save
him 20 bucks by doing it with him for free. Of course he accepts and
when he finishes, he runs home to tell his father about the money he
saved. Angrily, his father says, do you mean you fucked my mother? Well,
answers the boy, you fucked mine.

Q: What do you get if you cross a tomato with a potato?
A: You get a potato with bloodshot eyes.

Q: What would be a hen-pecked husband's dream?
A: To be reincarnated as a flea and have his wife come
  back as a dog.

Q: What is the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
N.Z.er: You can't wash your hands in a bison.

Q: What do you get if you cross a Mexican with an Oriental?
A: A car thief who can't drive.

Q: Cross a giraffe with a cow and what do you get?
A: A long ladder so you can milk it.

Q: What's the difference between a deer and a short woman?
A: One is a hunted stag and the other is a stunted hag.

Q: What's the difference between Prince Charles and a geyser?
A: One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown to the air.

Q: What happens if you cross a telephone with a shirt?
A: You get a ring around the collar.

Q: What do you get if you cross a supermarket cashier with
   a 100 bars of chocolate?
A: A chubby checker.

Q: What happens if you cross a joint with a 38D cup?
A: You get a drug bust.

Q: What do you get if you cross a car with a train?
A: At least 6 months in hospital and heaps from
   Accident Compensation.

Q: What do you get if you cross a banana with a zipper?
A: A fruit fly.

Q: What is the difference between a pschyopath and a neurotic?
A: A psychopath knows for certain that five and five make eleven
   the neurotic knows the five plus five equals ten, but it
   worries him.

Q: What do you get if you cross a dingo with a witch?
A: A mad dog that chases planes.

Q: What do you get if you cross a young dog with a tranquilzer?
A: A hush puppy.

Q: What's the difference between a corpse and a musician?
A: One composes and the other decomposes.

Q: What do you get if you cross a 10,000 calories with an ugly girl?
A: A hefty bag.

Q. What type of meat do priests eat?

A. Nun


A Birthday Gift

A young man wishing to buy his girlfriend a birthday present, decided to
purchase a pair of gloves.  Whilst making his choice his elder sister
accompanied him and purchased a rather striking pair of silk panties
covered with lace.  The sales girl unfortunately handed the wrong parcel
to both boy and girl and the boy, not troubling to open the parcel,
forwarded the panties to his girlfriend enclosing the following note:

"My dear Sweetheart,

Please accept this little gift to show that I have not forgotten your
birthday. I chose them because I noticed you are not in the habit of
wearing them when you go out.  Had it not been for my sister I would
have chosen long ones with buttons but she said they were not the fashion.
They are a delicate colour I know but the woman I purchased them from,
showed me a pair of her own which she had been wearing for a fortnight
and they were not even soiled.  I also had the shopgirl try them on
for me and I must say that she looked exceptionally smart in them.
How I wish I could try them on for you for the first time, but no
doubt many a mans hand will come in contact with them before I see you
with them on.  I was not sure of the size, yet I should have a good
idea after having felt the gentle skin so often which they are intended
to cover.  After removing them, just give them a gentle blow before
putting them away as they may be a little damp after wearing them.  Please
be sure to keep them clean for Friday night.






PS  Please note the number of times I shall kiss the back of them during
                 the coming year.  The shop girl said to tell you that the best
                         to wear them is undone and hanging down.







* What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
  Doug

* What do you call a man with out a shovel in his head?
  Dougless

* What do you call a lady with a toothpick in her head?
  Olive

* What do you call a lady with one leg longer than the other?
  Eileen

* What do you call a Chinese lady with one leg longer than the other
  Ireen

* What do you call a lady with both legs the same length?
  Nolene

* What do you call an epileptic in a pile of leaves?
  Russel

* What do you call a man with a wooden head?
  Edward

* What do you call a man with three wooden heads?
  Edward Woodward

* What do you call a man with four wooden heads?
  I don't know, but Edward Woodward would

* What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum?
  Warren

* What do you call a man with his legs chopped off at the knees?
  Neil

* What do you call a man who is being electocuted?
  Buzz

* What do you call a man who sits at your front door?
  Matt

* What do you call a man who has his head stuck under your car?
  Jack

* What do you call a man who has no arms and legs who is nailed to the wall?
  Art

* What do you call the arms and legs of the above mentioned man?
  Pieces of Art

* What do you call a man with no arms and legs floating in the ocean?
  Bob

* What do you call a lady who is the stand-in for Polly in Fawlty Towers?
  Polly - filler

* What do you call a whole bunch of dead bald smokers floating over the
  ocean at Christmas?
  Yule-tide

* What do you call a man with toilet paper in his mouth?
  John

* What do you call a man who has been buried for 2,000 years?
  Pete

* What do you call a pig in a black and white movie?
  Graeham

* What do you call a dog with no legs?
  It doesn't matter what you call him - he still won't come

* What do you call a deer with no eyes?
  No idea

* What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
  Still no idea

* What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs who is chewing a razor?
  Still no bloody idea

What do you call a lady smurf with only one leg?
I-lean

What do you call a smurf with his legs cut off from the knees?
Neil


The local cop was enjoying a quiet morning on his beat when he
spotted two young lads hurtling along on a billy cart pulled by a
dog.

The policeman waved them down, and the two boys came to a
reluctant halt.

When the policeman came closer, he could see that the poor dog,
who was panting heavily, was tied to the front of the cart with a
length of string.

"Enough of that," said the copper, "that's a very cruel thing to
do."

And with that he took out his pocket knife and cut the string.

But as he bent over the billy cart he noticed a second piece of
string running from a lever on the billy cart and disappearing
between the dog's hind legs, where it was knotted around a
delicate portion of the unfortunate animal's anatomy.

"And that's even worse," said the copper, as he cut the second
piece of string.

"Oh bugger!" said one of the boys.  "There goes the overdrive!"





Major Commander 'Bear'
  The Finest in the World am I who Does nothing but while doing it all.


Article 1928 of eunet.jokes:
Path: kingpol!warwick!uknet!sersun1!SunLab14!lacaa
From: lacaa@SunLab14.essex.ac.uk (Lacatena A)
Newsgroups: eunet.jokes
Subject: Re: Skoda Joke.
Summary: Well I thought it was funny!
Message-ID: <1766@sersun1.essex.ac.uk>
Date: 20 Jan 92 13:50:04 GMT
References: <1992Jan18.223704.17431@athena.mit.edu> <1992Jan20.115208.22629@specialix.co.uk>
Sender: news@sersun1.essex.ac.uk
Reply-To: lacaa@essex.ac.uk (Lacatena A)
Organization: University of Essex, Colchester, UK
Lines: 38

Here's one of the longer Skoda jokes:

 This guy's driving down the motorway in his Skoda when all of a sudden the
 engine dies and he's left coasting at x MPH on the inside lane. The man
 pulls into the hard shoulder, gets out and starts looking under the bonnet
 to see if he can figure out what the problem is. 
 After spending sometime pulling and pushing various bits of its engine he
 hears a car pull in in front of him with a great roar of raw horsepower.
 He gets up to see with some surprise that the car is in fact a Porche and it
 is reversing towards him. It stopped just in front of him.
 "Hello," said the Porche driver, "brokedown?"   
 "Yeah." replied the man.
 "Need any help?"
 "I sure could use a tow to the next service station."
 "No problem." the Porche driver enthused. And with that they both tied their
 cars together with a length of tow rope the Skoda driver kept handy.
 When all was done the Porche pulled out onto the motorway, Skoda in tow.
 While the driver of the Porche drove at reasonable speed on the inside lane,
 a BMW came up beside him on the middle lane and as the Porshe driver looked
 over to see who was in it. As he did so he saw the BMW driver five-knuckle
 shuffle him and zoom off ahead into the distance.
 Incensed, the Porche driver began pursuit. Oblivious of the Skoda he was 
 towing.
 Witnesses of this high-speed chase were a couple of patrol police officers
 parked on a concealed verge by the side of the motorway. The sergeant looked
 at his radar as the BMW went by. He then looked at his partner incredulously 
 as the Porche sped by consecutively.
 Staring into space, the sergeant picked up his radio and said into it:
 "Control, you're not going to believe this. But there's a BMW and a Porche
 doing 140 MPH on the fast lane and there's a Skoda right behind them both...

 FLASHING ITS LIGHTS!"


 Ha Ha, Hee Hee, Hoo Hoo ...

     ~|
    B-^   Tony.


Article 1932 of eunet.jokes:
Path: kingpol!warwick!uknet!mcsun!unido!nixpbe!nixsin!ishands
From: ishands@nixsin.UUCP (ishan de silva)
Newsgroups: eunet.jokes
Subject: Golf Club
Keywords: jokes
Message-ID: <2528@nixsin.UUCP>
Date: 20 Jan 92 03:55:53 GMT
Organization: Nixdorf Regional HQ Pte Ltd, Singapore
Lines: 39

MOUNT PLEASANT GOLF CLUB
------------------------
With the admission of lady members to the club as from 1.1.92 all members are
kindly requested to adhere strictly to the following revised club rules.-

1. All lady members are prohibited from meddling with gentlemen's balls before
   the game starts.

2. It will be the responsibility of the gentlemen to constantly check and
   ensure that the holes are kept clean and smooth.

3. Full cooperation from all lady members are desired especially during the
   short and jerking strokes.

4. All partners in a game are urged to finish off together. Should the men 
   reach the end first, he must continue hs strokes until the lady attains 
   full score.

5. In all cases where lay positions are not possible, the players may choose
   to adopt a standing or squatting position.

6. All male players are permitted to adopt any new style they prefer, such
   as starting from behind the hole if the partner agrees.

7. All male members are advised to stay away from any hole which shows signs
   of recent repairs until the red flag is lifted. Those who do not abide by
   this rule may proceed at their own risk.

8. The management of the club cannot be held responsible for damaged holes
   lost balls or broken lung due to improper play.

9. Time of play for various age groups:
   From 20 to 40 It is one in the morning and one at night
        40 to 50 It is now and then or when able
        50 to 60 God knows when
        60 to 70 If he still thinks he is capable, take no notice,
                 he is out of his mind.

