Why do Aggies eat beans on Friday?
So that they can take a bubble bath on Saturday!!!

Buy the new Anita Hill doll-
	Squeeze it and in ten years it squeals.

I saw a poem in Carmel Valley on a public urinal:
	In the land of sun and fun
	We don't flush for number one.

"Rape at the Gas Station"
by: Who Pumped Ethyl

The secretary asked the man, that just arrived to the office, wanting
to meet the manager:
-"Are you a bussiness-collegue, a lawyer or a personal friend."
-"All three of them."
-"Then, according to the instructions he gave me - he's in a meeting,
  he's abroad for the next six months and he'll be with you in five minutes."

The manager is trying to calm his wife down after she has found him
in bed with his secretary:
-"Don't you understand that what my secretary is doing when she's
  not at work is strictly her bussiness."

At a motel, far away, accidently bumping into the chief accountant,
the manager is introducing the blonde by his side:
...and ms Kyner you already know from our annual balance under
  the heading 4various4..."

Q: Why do cowgirls walk bowlegged?
A: Because cowboys always eat with their hats on.

Little girl goes into thwe kitchen and says to her mother:
"Mummy, Mummy, can I get pregnant??"
The mother replies:
"Of course you can't, you're only eight."
The girl goes outside again and shouts:
"OKAY LADS, SAME AGAIN."

Would you rather have a Steinway or a Henway?
What's a Henway?
About a pound and a half.

(M)indlessly
(A)cting
(C)omputer


Maybe
A
Computer:
Idiots,
Nitwits, and
Twit 
Operating
System
Here in.

Mary, her mom and dad were cruising the square one Sunday evening when Mary
started getting fed up of talking to her parents.....so she started checking
things out on the square etc......
.....and then she spotted something in the middle of the square crossing....it
looked shiny and indicated money...so she told her dad to stop and go get her
that quarter....but daddy said, forget it Mary, i am driving here; if you want
a quarter, here and he pulled a quarter out of his coat pocket.
  But Mary wouldn't budge...she wanted the one in the middle of the streett so
daddy decided what the heck...he'd go get it and get the witch off his back. 
He parked the car next to "KUM and GO" and walked over to the
intersection....and as he bent down to pick up the money a 18 wheeler whizzed
by and flattenned him!!  Mary's mom started crying and hitting Mary and said
look you witch....you killed your other father for a mere quarter!
^&$%^$%#^^#%^#)%#%
but Mary Jane just laughed and laughed and luaghed.....
....cuz she knew it was only a bottlecap!

 One thursday evening as Mary was walking the stroller downhill, she came across
some of her friends and started talking to them.  It didn't take long before
she got so engrossed in the chat that she forgot all about the stroller which
after overcoming some of the blocks, was now happily accelerating downhill.
ONe of her friends saw the stroller and shouted, 
	" MARY YOUR BROTHER....HE IS HEADED DOWNHILL....HE'LL DIE IF WE DON'T
	   CATCH THE STROLLER PRETTY QUICK.  DON'T FORGET THE MAJOR
	   INTERSECTION AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!!!!!!!!!"
Her friends panicked, but Mary Jane just laughed and laughed and laughed...
Cuz she knew there was a stop sign at the bottom of the hill......

Mary Jane was pestering her mother to let her go out and play in the barn but..
MJ:  mommmy, mommmmmy, please let me go play in the barn, pleeeease
MO:  No!...it is getting dark and you can't go play outside..
MJ:  but please mommy.
MO  NO
MJ   please please please pretty please please please
MO:  oh all right ...go but be back before 7:30
MJ  kissing mommyy....okay ma!!!
SO Mary Jane went outside to the barn and stasrted playing in there....and soon
she found a box of matches and set the barn on fire....by the time mommy came
out and realized what here brat daughter had done, the barn was all gone.
MO:  Look you bitch what you've done...you burnt the damn barn down...now where
will the hay for the cows come from you cow!!!  Wait till I tell your...he'll
set you right. &%^@$&@#&)&#$&%#$@%&)^@$#)@^&#$%
   But may jane laughed and laughed and laughed.
......cause she knew Daddy was in the barn!

Mommy, Mommy, why is my hair so slimey?
Shut up, you little snot!

But Mommy, I don't want to learn how to swim!
Shut up, or I'll flush it!

_______________________________________________________________________________
___________________________MURPHY'S_LAWS_OF_COMBAT_____________________________


  1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

  2. Incoming fire has the right of way.

  3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.

  4. There is always a way.

  5. The easy way is always mined.

  6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

  7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

  8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:

       a. When you're ready for them.
 
       b. When you're not ready for them.

  9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

 10. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

 11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

 12. A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling you to slow down.

 13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

 14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

 15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

 16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able 
     to get out.

 17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

 18. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.

 19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

 20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
_______________________________________________________________________________-- 
                                MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX
                                --------------------
        
        1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is 
        to leave her with no hard feelings.

        2. Nothing improves with age.

        3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, 
        because it'll never be quite the same again.

        4. Sex has no calories.

        5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount 
        of trouble.

        6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

        7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think 
        you've got.

        8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

        9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to 
        get or how long it is going to last.

        10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

        11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

        12. Virginity can be cured.

        13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops 
        listening to him.

        14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

        15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the 
        same ones she can't stand years later.

        16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

        17. It is always the wrong time of month.

        18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

        19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

        20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you 
        won't either.

        21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for 
        crop failure.

        22. The younger the better.

        23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

        24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that 
        caused the trouble in the garden.

        25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

        27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot 
        of frogs.

        28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse 
        than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

        29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

        30. Love is a hole in the heart.

        31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone 
        into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on 
        the moon.

        32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

        33. Do it only with the best.

        34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned 
        four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

        35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

        36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine 
        women.

        37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

        38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at 
        all.

        39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.

        40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

        41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

        42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

        43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the 
        women he couldn't.

        44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the 
        stick.

        45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

        46. Never say no.

        47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

        48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

        49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

        50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

        51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

        52. Love comes in spurts.

        53. The world does not revolve on an axis.

        54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other 
        eight are unimportant.

        55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

        56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

        57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they 
        fall in love.

        58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

        59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

        60. "This won't hurt, I promise."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Sir, I admit your general rule,
 That every poet is a fool.
 But you yourself may serve to show it,
 Every fool is not a poet."
                                               --Alexander Pope.

An egotist is a person of low taste--more interested in himself than in me.

If you sprinkle when you tinkle,
be a sweetie wipe the seatie.

(in high pitched voice) Hi my name is Bobby and every time my mommy puts
me on the potty I cry. And so one day my mommy said "Bobby How come every
time I put you on the Potty you cry?" I said "It's my potty and I'll cry
if I want to, Cry if I want to."

1. What's long and tubular and full of seamen? (This joke must
be done orally.)
1. A submarine

2. What does a dog do that a man steps into?
2. pants

3. What's a four letter word that ends in "k" and means
intercourse?
3. talk

4. What four letter word begins with "F", ends with "K", and
if you can't get one you have to use your hand?
4. fork

5. What does a man have that gets bigger as you stroke it?
5. his ego

6. What's hard, long, has two nuts and can make a girl fat?
6. almond joy

7. What part of a man's body enlarges to approximately three
times its normal size when excited?
7. pupils

8. What word starts with a "C", ends with a "T" and means
pussy?
8. cat

Two teenage boys robbed a bank in a run-down car.  After they left the bank,
the car wouldn't start.  When they looked under the hood to see what was 
wrong, they locked their keys and the money in the car.  They panicked and
fled on foot, running into an oncoming police car turning the corner.

  ________________________________________________________________
  One night about dusk a lady drives up in a relatively
  clean car. (we notice these things). My chinese work mate
  (no relevance to story) saunter suspiciously up to the clean car
  which stopped just inside our lot. 
 
  The soft spoken middle aged lady rolled down her window and 
  spoke;
  "Do you wash engines off?" She asked. We now notice her puffed
   eyes, her wet cheeks. (she was crying).
   We also notice the engine is still running. (vital clue #2)
 
   We shrug our shoulders and say,...
 
   "yeah, awl right" 
 
   We have never had a request like this but we suggest to each other
   we could whip out the hi pressure hose and just sorta point it
   at the engine. If we kept the pressure down the little old lady
   would probably keep her hoses and wiring intact. (no relevance)
 
   So my work buddy and I get out the hose and drag it over to her
   car. All this time the car was still running (get on with it)
   and oddly,... she never did get out of the car.
 
   Well, to jump straight to the good part,...
 
   We open up the hood and are both hit square in the nostrils
   by a warm air blast of fried cat parts. My buddy, caught unaware,
   simply tossed his cookies onto the engine. This was no 
   improvement on the situation.
 
   This is what I saw,... Bits of kitty cat all over the engine.
   No one piece larger than a loonie. But all stuck in marvelous
                              ?????? (Canadian $1 coin)
   collage across engine, hood, and exhaust manifold.
 
   "Fluffy must have climbed into the engine before I started it"
   sobs the ms. over the still running engine.
   " I heard a noise and came straight here".
---------------------------------------------------------------------
When you're dancing with your honey,
and your nose is kind of runny
the people think it's funny
but it's snot.

Spring is sprung,
the grass is ris
I wonder where
the birdies is.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW SPORTS FANS CAN OFFEND ALL PEOPLE EQUALLY:

BOSTON CELTICS:
Show up for a St. Patrick's day game wearing orange.

MINNESOTA TWINS:
Hack the stadium TV monitors to show continuous clips from "The 
Other" and reruns of "The Patty Duke Show".

SAN DIEGO PADRES/NEW ORLEANS SAINTS:
Dress up as nuns and sing "The Vatican Rag" in the stadium.

OAKLAND ATHLETICS:
Surround the stadium with angry members of Overeaters 
Anonymous.  Bring in the members of a men's sensitivity group to 
tell emotionally charged stories of being cut from the junior varsity 
baseball team.

NEW YORK YANKEES:
Yell nasty insults involving dry martinis, white bread, and 
mayonnaise.  Refer to the players and coaches as "Binky", "Biff", and 
"Chip".

LOS ANGELES DODGERS
Just throw stuff at them on the field.  They were originally the 
"Trolley Dodgers" in Brooklyn.  Serves 'em right for moving to a city 
with such abysmal public transportation.

VANCOUVER CANUCKS
Show tapes of old Ed Muskie speeches.  (This is a subtle, 70's-kid, 
Watergate-related activity.)

TORONTO BLUE JAYS
Quote noted ornithologists on the thuggish habits of the 
aforementioned birds.

ST. LOUIS/PHOENIX CARDINALS
If you're Catholic, complain about the use of a distinguished Church 
title to describe both a mere bird and two secular sports teams.   If 
you're anti-Catholic, bring up the Spanish Inquisition.

LOS ANGELES RAIDERS
Initiate a protest by "The Friends of T. Boone Pickens."

CALGARY FLAMES
Plaster the stadium with fire-prevention posters.  Complain that the 
team name encourages children to play with matches.

UTAH JAZZ
If you're a puritanical type, complain about the original sexual 
connotations of the word "jazz."   If you're a music scholar, point out 
the geographic inaccuracy inherent in the name.  

MINNESOTA VIKINGS
Complain that Christopher Columbus got all the attention.  Eat 
lutefisk in the stadium upwind of the most expensive seats.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
Bring over a contingent of unemployed Detroit auto workers to stage 
a protest over naming the team for a Japanese-manufactured car.

MONTREAL CANADIENS
Claim that Francophones spell things funny.  

CHICAGO BEARS/BOSTON BRUINS/CINCINNATI REDS
Symbols of now-discredited Soviet COMMUNISM?  Bring back Joe 
McCarthy!

DETROIT PISTONS
They exist.  Isn't that nasty enough?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
THE MYSTERIOUS TOOTHPASTE MAN, SORT OF
--------------------------------------

(Zoom in on man's face.  Omnipresent announcer's voice in background, low
and clear)
"This man is a proctologist, so we can't show you his butt on T.V.  Hi, Rob!
But it brings up the question: 'What type of suppositories do proctologists
use?'"
(Man holds up box of butt-bullets)
"Anal-B.  The suppository used by more proctologists."


WHY ASK WHY??
------------

(Two guys sitting at a bar, asking each other strange questions.  After each
question, answer appears on screen.  Ladies, PLEASE don't flame me too much
for this one.  In fact, I would enjoy seeing the same scenario with the genders
reversed.)

Q:  "Why do women always know when you're not telling the truth?"
A:  They don't.  Believe me.
Q:  "Why do they always change their minds at the last minute?"
A:  They're confused.
Q:  "Why do we keep putting up with them?"
A:  Sex.


What do Lesbians think of oral sex ?
LESS FILLING,  TASTES GREAT !
Seen on a T-Shirt At Banff national Park, Canada :
Scene : A Grizzly, smirking, lounging in the sun, with a conspicuously
full belly :
		Send More Tourists
And, on the back, :
 		The Last Batch were delicious

Travelling salesman is going to spend night in farmer's daughter's 
bedroom (standard t.s.-joke beginning).
  Farmer says, "I must tell you that my daughter is mentally retarded;
don't you dare mess with her!"  Salesman notices large shotgun in 
corner.
  In the middle of the night, farmer's daughter (who is absolutely
beautiful) kneels by salesman's bed.  "How about a hand job?"
  "Oh, no thanks, we mustn't do that," replies the salesman.
"How about two hand jobs?
"No, no, please leave me alone; I've got to get some sleep."
"How about two hand jobs and a tongue job?"
This is too much to resist!  The salesman says OK.
Farmer's daughter goes:
[Stick a thumb in each ear, stick tongue out, wave hands:]
"B-dee  B-dee  B-dee! ...

A guy from <pick a place> goes to New York City for the first time.  
He notices that the place is full of hookers; they're everywhere!  He 
wants to take one on, but he only has $14.
  Hooker approaches, says "Hey, want to party?"
"Sure, but I've only got $14."
"I'll give you a penguin job for $14."
  He's never heard of a penguin job, but he agrees.  They go into a dark
alley.  She drops his pants down around his ankles, and goes down on 
him.  Just as he's about to get off, she jumps up and runs away.
[Taking very short steps]:  HEY! WAIT!

                     Seen on an Armour food can:                                
                     --------------------------
                      PORK BRAINS in Milk Gravy
   Ingrediants: Pork Brains, Milk, Water, Salt, Corn Starch, Sodium Nitrite.
                            -----------
                      SCRAMBLED EGGS and BRAINS
   Drain brains, combine with 5 beaten eggs and salt and pepper to taste.
   In fry pan, cook in melted butter or margarine on medium heat, stirring
   to prevent sticking.
   3 to 4 servings.

Wendell, with a thirst for gore,
Nailed the baby to the bathroom door.
Mother said, with humor quaint,
"Wendell, dear, don't chip the paint."

Little Willie with a shout
Gouged the baby's eyeballs out
Stomped on them to make them pop
Mother said: "Please, William, stop"

Little Willy was a chemist
Little Willy is no more...
For what he thought was H2O
was H2SO4.

Little Willy stabbed his sister
She was dead before we missed her
Little Willy's always up to tricks
Ain't he cute, he's only six.

Little Willy played with dynamite,
Couldn't understand it quite.
Curiosity never pays,
It rained Willy seven days.

Seen on a tee-shirt in Yellowstone park
Two bears sitting back against rocks, picking teeth.
One bear says... " I just love it when the stupid bastards play dead."

A single lane bridge in Marin County has a sign which reads:
Unsafe to cross bridge when water covers this sign.

This is the conversation that will take place many years from now when
the crew of Starship Enterprise returns to earth and discovers your
newly acquired ti computer.
   "Can you operate it, Spock?"
   "Well, Jim, this computer was designed and constructed 300 million
years ago by a totally alien race of methane-breathing, squidlike 
beings who built it using technologies unknown to us and used it
for purposes we cannot conceive of and then mysteriously vanished
leaving no shred of documentation as to its operation.  It may
take a few moments."

This is mostly a human interest story, but in the loads of junk mail I receive
daily one inparticular caught my attention.  I received an application for
a Star Trek Visa!  On the card is the title "Star Trek - The Enterprise Card"
along with a very nice picture of Enterprise from TNG and the typical holographic
dove and Visa symbol in the corner.  The interest rate is an absurd 21.9%
with a yearly fee to boot. But the way this thing is sold in the brouchure
is haliarious.  To quote a few:
  "Easy to apply..easy to qualify.  Stand-by for lift-off..to welcome you to
STAR TREK VISA!"
  "Use you card where ever you go...across town or across the galaxy!"
 "Get cash when you need it...You'll encounter no time warps with STAR TREK
VISA. You can use you card to get cash at over 102,000 banks and... " blah,
 blah, blah
"Journey to new frontiers...The next gerneration...your generation...is coming
of age!"
What will they think of next?

On a local radio station the Mental Health Association had this message:
"Does someone in your family suffer from schizoid?     
You are not alone..."
(No kidding!!!  Neither are they!!!)  Guess the writer's strike has gone
further than we thought!

Note that we used to refer to our phone number as 1-800-IBM-DISK.  We have
been told by IBM Corporation that we can't do this anymore.  While it is
tempting to represent IBM as a bully picking on the little guy, we do see
their point.  The use of their trademark in such a generic sense can lead
to a dilution of their identity.  (Besides, they have more lawyers than we
have disks.)  So, in the future, please think of our phone number as:
	For the amateur radio crowd: 1-800-HAM-DISK
	For all you couch potatoes: 1-800-HBO-DISK
	For purists: 1-800-426-3475
	Even: 1-800-I-AM-DISK (hear me roar)
	But not, we repeat, NOT as: 1-800-IBM-DISK
We thank you for your support in this matter.

Two bums were seated on a park bench stealing food from the pigeons.
"Say," said one. "If you suddenly found a million bucks would you lend me
 one hundred?"
"That depends," said the second. "What security you got?"

Well folks.  It is Wednesday May 11 in Seattle and the weather forecast
is for 80-85 degrees and sunny!  Since this is a rare event in the area,
one of the local radio stations asked listeners to call in excuses for 
playing hooky today.
Some of the ones I remember:
"The extension cord isn't long enough for my electric car"
"With all the sun we've been having, the blackberries have grown across
my front path and I'm trapped."
"Religious reasons.  I'm a sun worshipper"
"I just forgot"  (Told on the next day)
"The air conditioner (at work) is broken."

Last week while the House of Representatives was voting on a funding bill for
the Strategic Defense Initiative, the House vote-tallying computer broke down.
The computer reported a vote of 358 ayes and 237 nays on an amendment to kill
the SDI program offered by Reps. Ron Dellums and Barbara Boxer.  The House only
has 435 members.
The irony was not lost on the opponents of the SDI.  Nevertheless, the "manual"
count of voice votes revealed defeat of the amendment 299-118.  

     Beetle is talking to Zero, says something like, "Hey, Zero.  If you
     can tear this piece of paper in half, I'll give you a quarter."  Zero
     then proceeds to tear the paper in half.  Beetle takes one of the halves,
     tears it in half, and gives it to Zero, saying, "Here's your quarter!"
     Zero wanders off, saying how neat that is and wouldn't it be great to find
     someone else to pull this on.  He comes across Sarge and says, "Hey,
     Sarge!  If you tear this paper in half, I'll give you 25 cents..."

Subject: Blame it on the computer -- lost homework!
MODERN TIMES: When you were a kid, did you ever tell the teacher ``My dog ate
my homework?''  Update: Navy Lt. John Ratkovich, a student at Naval Postgrad
in Monterey, tells me that when homework was called for the other day, Lt. 
Comdr. Al Jones said ``May DOS ate it.''  Right.  His disc operating system
erased it all, and would a commander tell a fib?  [Herb Caen, SFChron 28Apr88]

	In his legal practice, Abraham Lincoln was never greedy for fees
and discouraged unnecessary litigation.  A man came to him in a passion,
asking him to bring a suit for $2.50 against an impoverished debtor.
Lincoln tried to dissuade him, but the man was determined upon revenge.
When he say that the creditor was not to be put off, Lincoln asked for
and got $10 as his legal fee.  He gave half of this to the defendant,
who thereupon willingly confessed to the debt and paid up the $2.50,
thus settling the matter to the entire satisfaction of the irate
plaintiff.

	Shortly after John F. Kennedy blocked the hike in steel prices
in 1961, he was visited by a businessman who expressed wariness about
the national economy.  "Things look great," said JFK.  "Why, if I wasn't
president, I'd be buying stocks myself."
	"If you weren't president," said the businessman, "so would I."

	Dr. Creighton, the Bishop of London many years ago, once removed
his cigar case while watching an opera production and inquired of the
fellow in the next seat, "Will my smoking bother you?"  
	"Not at all, your Lordship," the man responded, "so long as my
getting sick won't bother you."

	After James Whistler did a pencil sketch of Oscar Wilde, Wilde
characterized it as a "pretty poor work of art."
 	"I quite agree," said Whistler, "and you're a pretty poor work
of nature."

	Following the death of a United States Senator who was a close
friend, Woodrow Wilson received a telephone call from an ambitiour
politician who said that he wanted to take the Senator's place.  Wilson,
shocked by the man's crassness, replied, "That's perfectly agreeable
with me, but you'll have to speak with the undertaker about it."

Here at Lehigh University, about three years ago, a CLUD (CLueless User Device)
came up to the consultant's window and asked to borrow a stapler so that
he could attach his floppy disk to his term paper.  After telling him that
it would probably not be a good idea, he decided to use tape. He then proceeded
to pull his disk out of his back pocket and unfold it.

My best novice user story comes from way back in tenth grade. At this point,
my high school had just invested a fortune in the latest technology: a half-
dozen Apple II Pluses. Now, my math teacher was also the sole computer teacher
in the school, and wanted to make sure that we were all properly literate.
So, the first week of classes, we are all trooped over to the computer room,
given one disk each, and given explicit directions on how to format the
disk. The first step, of course, was to take the floppy out of its envelope,
not to stuff the whole contents in.
  A few minutes later, Erica (a good friend who, fortunately, probably isn't
on the net) comes over to the teacher, saying that she can't get it to work.
  "Well, what's happening?" asks Mr. Romer (the teacher).
"I can't get the floppy disk into the drive. It keeps flopping all over,
and bends when I try to put it in."
  Sure enough, she had carefully removed the magnetic part of the floppy from
the paper enclosure...

User calls stating that monitor has just gone blank, and is
told by consultant to check behind the machine to make sure the monitor
cable hasn't come loose.  "I can't see anything back there.  We just had
a power failure and it's too dark to see anything in my office."

We've all heard stories about users who have stuffed 5 1/4" disks into
3 1/2" drives.  A couple of weeks ago, someone called the computing
center here complaining of trouble running a PC program.  After some
interrogation, she revealed that she was trying to run it on a Mac.
But she hadn't had any qualms about folding the 5 1/4" disk to put
into the Mac's drive.  After all, she reasoned, disks operate on
magnetic fields, which aren't altered by folding the disk.
A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing.

A long time ago UNIVAC (now UNISYS) had a mainframe computer called an
1106.  They used rotating drum memory.  For those of you not familiar
with drums, they are massive rotating cylinders.   They also tend to
possess a great deal of rotational inertia.
  Anyway, a UNIVAC customer engineer told me that they tried to install
these machines in naval vessels, rotating drum and all.  The story goes
that everything was fine until the ship executed a hard turn to port.
The drum, resisting this course alteration, merrily broke loose
from its mountings and crashed through the side of the ship.  WHOA BOY!

Sorry to change the subject a little, but this priceless
little anecdote occurred while I was working for a hardware
store while in college.
  I'm standing behind the counter, wearing my little scratchy
polyester uniform shirt, and this big huge guy walks up to
me carrying two rolls of shelf paper and says "Is this going
to be enough to cover my shelves?"
I stare at him for a moment, and then say "Well, that depends
how long your shelves are."  Silence.  "How long are your shelves?"
"Oh," he says, "Three feet each."
Silence.
"Ok," I say, "How many shelves do you have?"
"Four per cabinet."
Again silence.
"Allright, I'll bite," I say in raw disbelief, "How many cabinets,
indeed, do you have?" (I fully expected to hear "Three per room.")
"Two."
"Fine, so it sounds like you have two cabinets with four shelves
each that are three feet long."
"Yeah?"
"So that sounds to me like 2 * 4 * 3."
"Yeah?"
"That's 24."
"Yeah?"
"Those rolls are ten feet each."
"Yeah?"
This time, _I_ went silent.
Long pause..................
Then, with a look of pure enlightenment generally displayed
only by Zen masters: "I think I better get another roll."
"There is a God."  I thought.

When I was taking a 300 level computer science class in college
there was a girl in the class that was a good friend of mine, she
was one of those people that was accademiclly briliant with zero
common scence.  Durring the first week of class the prof always
gave every one in the class an account on the system and a common
password for everyone in the class.  I logged into Karen's
account before she did and created a ".profile" which printed
out a message to the effect:
	Karen,
		I'm having a very bad day today, the freshman are
	driving me crazy with there stupid errors and the System
	Administrator was very rough when he mounted the backup
	tapes.  So I suggest, if you want your homework programs
	to compile correctly, that you log off now and try again
	when I'm feeling better!
					Love,
					PDP/11
I'd forgotten all about my little prank until one day, right before
a homework was due and we were talking in the cafateria, she said
she had gotten an extention from the prof because "Every time I
logged into the computer it gave me a message to loggout imediatley!"
She never knew that someone played a joke (alright it really wasn't
that good) on her. I decided it would be better not to tell her.

A few years back, the CS100 class (Computer Science for semi-sentient beings)
was given their first Machine Problem (MP 0).  For this one, students were
given the program listing so the only thing the student had to do for the
grade was to conquer the card punch and card reader.  To be cute, the TA's
punched the program (~60 card), lined up the cards one below the other in
sort of a listing style, and zeroxed the "listing" which was handed out so
that the students could see what the cards should look like.  The language
was FORTRAN so this helped show the proper columns.
  One particular student managed to punch her deck of cards just fine but was
having some problems with the card reader.  After a few dozen tries, she
asked the operator on duty if he could help her with the reader.  The op
went over and tried the deck once.  Only the first card read.  Opon closer
observation, the first card was the /EOJ (End Of Job) card.  She had reversed
the order of the cards so that they would match the order of the handout if
fanned out.  The op explained that the cards were arranged that way just so
they could make the handout and that her problem was just that she was trying 
to read the deck in backwards.  The topper: She went back and punched a new
deck in the proper order!

Then there was the one about the user or (ab)user as we used to call them who
stood waiting by the printer for his printout for about 15 min.  He then 
proceeded to ask the operator if the op could check to see what was taking his 
printout so long.  The op checked the queue a number of times during the next 
10 or 15 mins and finally told the user, "I don't see it on the queue.  Why
don't you just send it again."  To which the user replied, "Send?"

Reminds me of the Department Chairman(!) at Seton Hall who last week wouldn't
let me copy a book on the Copier because you can't close the lid on a book,
and so it 'lets the light in' and breaks the copier.
  The pages of the book were the same size as the papers I was copying onto,
so it wasn't a problem of extra toner being wasted. I also offered to
close my eyes while making the copies (in case he was worried about my safety),
but he told me that this wouldn't help, since the light would still get into the
copier and "Break It".
  I can just imagine the copier repairman's chuckle when he blamed the broken
copier on light 'getting in'. "you let light into the copier, so its your
fault it broke".
  I was tempted to tell this professor that he should also watch out for
burned out light bulbs, since if you leave a light socket without a working
bulb (or worse, no bulb at all), the electricity escapes into the air and
can make you very sick.
  And of course the 'smoke theory of electronics' (smoke makes electronic
circuits work, since circuits stop working once the smoke escapes) came
to mind as well...

One customer at a computer store (or perhaps a computer faire) asked a salesman
a number of questions about a given model of computer. Does it do this? Yes,
it does this. Can it do that? Yes, it can do that. Does it have these?
Yes, it has these. Finally he began to become somewhat suspicious of the
amazing capabilities of this machine, and asked in as serious a tone as he
could muster:
                 Does it have flim-flam flip-flops?
                 Yes, yes, it has flim-flam flip-flops!

One day I happened to be in our local "mom and pop" computer store,
scanning the new magazines, when a fellow came in to buy some floppies
for his home computer. The proprietor happened to be behind the counter
and asked the man which computer he had. He then took a box from the shelf
behind him, and opened it. "How many disks do you need?" he asked.
"Oh, two I think" came the answer. The proprietor then rang up the sale,
and gave the man his change. With that, the man said "Thanks very much",
picked the disks up off the counter, carefully folded them into quarters,
and stuffed them into his shirt pocket as he strolled out the door.
  The experience left me speechless, but I noticed that the owner didn't
even flinch. (No doubt because he knew the fellow would be back for some
more disks!)

Jesse Jackson: "We have guided missles but we have misguided leaders,
and that's why I want to be your president." (I almost fell onto the
floor.  Does he write his own stuff?)

Judge Thomas was asked, "Do you even know the meaning of Harrassment, let's
hear you use the word in a sentence."
"Ok", he replied. "Anita Hill has a sharp mind, but harrassment nothing to me."

<Note: answering Machine Messages>
"I know what you're thinking.  Did the phone ring four times, or only three.
Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I kind of lost track
myself.  But seeing as how this is a touch-tone phone, the most powerful
phone in the world, and is liable to blow your ear clean off, you've got a
question to ask yourself:  'Do I feel lucky?'  Well...  do ya, punk?"

"Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
We're out on the town, or punching the clock.
Leave your name and number and we'll call you back soon.
Have a great afternoon!"

She attempted the following (although the answering machine balked at the
length of this one!) to the tune of "Tale to tell" (or whatever it's called)
by Madonna:

"I have a telephone.
Some times it gets so hard when I'm not home.
I was not ready for your call.
To deaf to hear the ringing in the hall..."
    (I forget the rest -- Thank God!)

	A man walks into a bank and tells the teller, "I want to open a
fucking bank account."  The woman replies, "Sir, there's no reason to 
talk like that."  Again he says, "Listen, all I want to do is open a
fucking bank account here."  And again, her response is "Sir, you really
need to stop talking that way."  All this commotion alerts the bank
manager who comes over and says to the man, "Can I help you?"  To 
which the man says, "Yeah, I just won ten million dollars in the lottery
and want to open a fucking bank account here."  Upon hearing this, the
manager motions toward the teller and says, "Is this bitch giving you
a hard time?"

My favorite restroom joke is
 Walk into a busy restroom and say  "This must be where all the pricks hang
 out.

Seen above a urinal in a Mtv. tavern:
Return rental beer here.

What do you call the useless fleshy parts around a vagina ?
A woman.

What's the difference between a blond girl and a blond guy ?
She has a higher sperm count.

Three surgeons were talking. The first one said he preferred to do his
work on thin people and the others wondered why.
"Because, there's no fat in the way - you can see what you're doing."
The second one said that was strange, because he preferred to do his work
on fat people. Why?
"Because, although there's fat, it protects the cut, and makes it easier
to do."
The third one said he didn't care about fat or thin, he only worked on
<insert occupation here>. Why?
"Because they are so simple to work on. There's only two parts - a mouth and
and asshole, and they're interchangeable."

The first time I had sex, I was terrified. I was alone..

                    THE CIVIL SERVANT'S DOG
                    -----------------------
   Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was 
an engineer who said his dog could draw. His dog's name was "T-Square",
and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a 
triangle, which he did with no sweat.
   The accountant said he thought his dog, "Balance", could do better. 
He told him to fetch a dozen cookies and divide them into piles of
three, which he did with no problem.
   The chemist said that was a very good stunt, but that his dog, 
"Apothecary", could do better yet.  He told his dog to get a quart of
milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. Apothecary did this
without a hitch.
   All three men agreed their dogs were equally smart.  They turned to
the Civil Servant and asked him what his dog could do.  The Civil Servant
called his dog, whose name was "Coffee break", and said, "Show the
fellows what you can do, old buddy."  Coffee Break then strolled over and
ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other
three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so.  He then filed
a grievance for unsafe conditions, applied for Workers' Compensation,
and left for home on sick leave.

	There were two high school friends, Artie and Dominick, who
did everything together, and were the absolute best of friends.  Then
they went off to different colleges and were separated for several years.
One day, however, Artie was sitting and a bar and looks over and sees his
old friend Dominick
	"Dominick?" he shouts
	"Artie?"  Dominick replied.
	Obviously they were happy to see each other again, and spent a long
time catching up on old times.  Along the course of the conversation, Artie
asked Dominick what he did as a career.  
	"I'm an inventor," Dominick said.
	"Wow," said Artie, "you must be loaded!"
	"Well, I would be, except for my wife spends all my money.  I really
hate her and wish she were dead!"
	"well, hey," Artie said, "I'm a hit man!  I can knock her off for
ya!"
	Dominick was pleased with this idea, and offered Artie a great deal
of money to do this.  Artie, however would not take it, saying that it would
be free for his best friend.  Dominick felt bad about this, and kept trying
to pay SOMETHING to Artie, but he refused.  Finally Dominick said, "Listen, 
let me pay you, alright?  Just a dollar, okay?  A dollar to say that I paid
you. Please?"  Finally, Artie agreed to the cost of one dollar, and the 
plans were made.
	Later, while Dominick was away, Artie went to his house and strangled
his wife.  Just as she died, the butler walked into the room, so Artie 
strangled him as well.  Seconds after his death, in walked the maid, so once
again, he was forced to strangle another person.  Finally, after she was dead,
he raced out of the house and down the street, but was caught by the police.
Next day the headlines read:
	ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR AND DOMINICK'S

        Hinds' Law(s) of Computer Programming
        =====================================
1.  Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
2.  If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
3.  If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
4.  Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
5.  The value of a program is proportional to the weight of
    its output.
6.  Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
    the programmer who must maintain it.
7.  Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English
    and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.

        Finagle's Rules
        ===============
1.  To study an appilcation best, understand it thoroughly
    before you start.  (Think about it <grin>).
2.  Always keep a record of data.  It indicates you've been
    working.
3.  Always draw your curves, then plot the reading.
4.  In case of doubt, make it _sound_ convincing.
5.  Program results should always be reproducible (a Xerox
    machine works best for me).  They should all _fail_ the
    same way!
6.  Do not believe in miracles. RELY on them!
 
        Thoreau's Theories of Adaptation
        ================================
1.  After months of training and you finally understand all of
    a program's commands, a revised version of the program
    arrives with an all-new command structure.
2.  After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar
    "bug" in the system, the system is revised, the "bug" is
    taken away and you're left with a useless routine.
3.  Efforts in improving a program's "user friendliness" invariably
    leads to work in improving user's "computer literacy".
4.  THAT'S NOT A "BUG", THAT'S A _FEATURE_!
 
        The Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Scheduling
        ============================================
"The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the
scheduled time.  The last ten percent of the task takes the other
ninety percent of the time."  (...all together now. One, two,
three...and GROAN!)

       "It's not a bug ... It's not a feature ... It's an ENHANCEMENT!"

This guy at work becomes extremely horny and can't wait until he gets home
to his wife.  5 o'clock comes around and he's outa there.  When he arrives
home he tells his wife they have to do it and do it now!  She replies "But
Jr. is still up", he replies "well put him to bed." So she does. 
Now these two are hopp'n and bopp'n and makeing all kinds of noise.  Little
Jr. walks in and says "Oh look, mommy and daddy are playing horsey! Can I
play?"  The dad figures Jr. doesn't know what's going on and let's Jr. hop
on.  So, now the mommy and daddy are still going at it with little Jr. taking
a ride of his life.  Mommy begins to scream louder and louder, and just before
she climaxes, little Jr. shouts "Hold Daddy!  This is where the postman and I
got bucked off yesterday!!!!!!"   :-)  -8      

   Q: What did one nut say to another nut?
   A: Why are we hanging here when it was Dick that did all the shooting?

   What do Jews and pizza have in common?
   They both bake well in ovens!

   How would you punctuate "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"?
   A:		"Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry"!

The Night the Gelatinous Mass of Flesh Converged on Ponderosa
by Eric Cotter

There once was a party of four
Who couldn't fit inside a door
I'm sure you'd agree
That these four would be
Harpooned if they swam off the shore

The leader of the group was Chasm
Ever seen fifteen chins -- he has 'em
When he engulfs food
The image so lewd
Gives everyone near muscle spasms

His three friends - Gorge, Inhale, and Glop
Consumed food with nary a stop
Once at Donut World
Their frenzy unfurled
They had coffee, donuts, and a cop

They walked with a side-to-side gait
Because of their tremendous weight
Well you may not buy it
But they tried to diet
Against hunger that no one could sate

They were doing well at their slimming
The fat on their meat they were trimming
But their effort was tossed
They gained back what they'd lost
And hunger was already brimming

They burst out of Weight Watchers that night
Buildings were crushed under their might
And then the group did meet
A sign - All You Can Eat
And thus began the terrible blight

The manager gasped at the terrible sight
His whole body trembled with great fright
How could Ponderosa
End up as the host o'
Four who could block the sun's light

He quickly became incoherent
As he watched his food disappearin'
They've eaten their valet
And inhaled the buffet
Now at the kitchen they were leerin'

The chefs cowered before the quartet
Seeing hunger that no one could whet
They consumed all in sight
On that horrible night
Eating everything that they could get

They widened before everyone's eyes
Surrounded by thousands of flies
But so greatly loaded
Their bodies exploded
And fireworks lit up the skies

Those four will not really be missed
For they had many people pissed
They ravaged a town
Knocking buildings down
And that's just the start of the list

But this story does have a lesson
Eating too much Crisco and Wesson
Leads to massive weight gain
And abdominal pain
And heart attacks can be distressin'

CRAP -- CRAsh Proof
        Example:  "Our mainframe is CRAP."

TURD -- Totally UnReadable Documentation
        Example:  "They shipped CRAP with the last system upgrade."


Nothing is better than happiness
A baloney sandwich is better than nothing
A baloney sandwich is better than happiness

"Specimens" -- sung to the tune of BabyFace
-------------------------------------------
When you were aborted not too long ago,
  You must have been the cutest thing.
I can see you perched on some museum shelf.
Just sitting there forever,
  And never decaying.
Just floating in your bell jar,
  You little pickled thing.

(bum bum bum)

Specimens, I love those little jars of specimens.
All packed in bottles
  filled with Formalin, those specimens.
Darwin, don't you think that
  This one's the Missing Link.
Oh, specimens, ...

---
Mommy Mommy, Can I play with Grandma?
Shut up kid, You've already dug her up 3 times today!

Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn.
The sheeps in the meadow, the cows in the corn.
Where's the little boy that looks after the sheep?
- Under the haystack, with Little BoPeep!

What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Pencil-neck geek!
Gritty-eyed freak!
Scum-sucking pinhead with a lousy physique!
You're a no-good, one-man losing streak!
Nothing but a pencil-neck geek!

There is a sorority of more or less obese women at our
school called Sigma Delta Tau.  They go around with these
shirts that look like they read "EAT"

Did you hear about S. Rushdie's new book?
Buddha, You fat f_ck

    She was only the bank managers daughter,
    but boy she was never a lone!

    Robert Durrant
    "You don't have to be mad, but it helps!"

    She was only a rancher's daughter,
    but all the horse manure (horsemen knew her)!

Little Johnny goes up to his teacher and asks:
"Miss Brown, what does a vagina look like before sex?"
Miss Brown says: "Well, Little Johnny, I think that's something 
you'd better ask your father."
So Little Johnny goes home and asks his dad: "Dad, what does a vagina look
like before sex?"
Dad looks at Little Johnny and says: "Well son, have you ever seen a rose,
with it's petals half open and the dew glistening on it in the morning sun."
"Gee, thanks Dad", says Little Johnny.
The next day Little Johnny goes up to his teacher again and asks:
"Miss Brown, what does a vagina look like AFTER sex?"
Miss Brown says: "Well, Little Johnny, I think that seeing as your father
did such a good job answering your first question, you'd better ask him."
So Little Johnny goes home and asks his dad: "Dad, what does a vagina look
like after sex?"
Dad looks at Little Johnny and says:
"Well son, have you seen a bulldog eating porridge?"

Gleaming plastic in a paper bag .
I pick you up , but you still sag .
Soon to be filled with blood , bile and stools .
They say it can't be love but they're just fools .
Every moment with you I simply adore
I wouldn't swap you for a thousand dollar hore.       
CHORUS
  Colostomy bag ,you're such a tease .
  Colostomy bag , oh how you tease.
  Colostomy bag give me head
  Colostomy bag take me to bed .
Insides swimming in urine and faecial tripe
I can't help myself as I take a bite .
Your sweet fluids flow back inside of me.
This is true love the way it was meant to be .
Half my intestines were sliced away 
Now you have somwhere warm to stay .
Chorus .
I cant stop making love to you .
Even though my dick gets covered in poo.
Sex with you is in a different class .
I'd wish you would stick a chainsaw up my arse.
Oh colostomy bag spend an eternity with me
And I promise to be true to thee.
Chorus .
Oohhh Colostomy
Oohhh Colostomy bag.
OOOHHHHH my colostomy
oohhh Colostomy bag
I love you ..

A party of Catholics is on a plane journey over the frozen north. The plane 
goes down in bad weather in some very difficult terrain. They have food for 
only one day, and no survival equipment, but they manage to transmit an SOS. 
No-one can rescue them before they all die of exposure, so the church 
parachutes in a priest... 

     A man walked into a bank & pulled a gun on a teller.  He told her to
give him all the cash she had and all that other stuff that happens in your
typical bank robbery.  When the 'transaction' was complete, the guy went to
put his gun away so he could leave.  In the process, he fired the gun and
shot his finger off.  He fled.  The police took the finger and matched it
with a fingerprint on file, drove to his address and picked him up.

2 robbers from Puerto Rico felt that the Police were getting hot on their
trail, so they decided to move far away to Montreal and continue their
life of crime in the new city.  Unfortunately they just did not quite 
understand winter.  They were arrested the morning after their first
break-in. The police just followed their footsteps in the snow from the
store to their house...

have you ever noticed that most of the women who are against abotrion
are women that you wouldn't fuck in the first place!!!!!!!

A Carlin classic:
	Shouldn't there be a feminine hygiene product named ``Sprunt''?

What did Clarence Thomas say to Ted Kennedy?
At least I bring them home alive.

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see
walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking
along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud
"THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. This pasttime was
immensely enjoyable to the truck driver.
  One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitch
hiking, so he thought he would do a good turn by offering the priest a
lift. So he pulled the truck over and asked the priest, "Where are you
going, Father?"
  "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!" replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." With that,
the happy priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the truck driver
continued down the road.
  Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and
instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a
priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the
road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he
missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
  Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and
when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry,
Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                  Canonical List of WASP Jokes
                           Version 1.0

1.   Why did God invent WASPs?
     Someone has to buy retail.

2)   How many WASPs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
     Two.  One to make the marinis, one to call the electrician.
     Two, but WASPs screw in a bed.

3)   What do you call a bunch of WASPs sitting around a table?
     Price fixing.

4)   What does a WW's bumper sticker say?
     Honk if you want to pass.

5)   How do you spot WWs in a Chinese restaurant?
     They're the ones where everyone is eating their own food.

6)   What is the definition of a WW?
     Someone who steps out of the shower to piss.

7)   How do you spot a WW at an orgy?
     He's the one washing grapes.

8)   What's a deprived WW?
     Someone who only has a black and white TV.

9)   What's a WW's seven-course meal?
     Six martinis and a Saltine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are horny
and will screw you next.

	What is the difference between Bike and a women?
	The number of head lights.

	Why do men go bald and women have no beards?
	Women do so much mouth work they grow no beards
	Men do so much brain work they get bald.

        What is the difference between gun and a girl?
	The gun is loaded before firing and the girl is loaded after firing.

What ever can go wrong will.
No matter where you go, there you are.
The secret of success is sincerity,
	once you can fake that you've got it made.
If two wrongs don't make a right - try three!
You cannot successfully determine beforehand
	which side of the bread to butter.
It is truly written that a man has five times as many fingers as ears
	but only twice as many ears as noses.
Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -
	he will find an easier way to do it.
In any organisation there will always be one person
	who knows what is going on - this person must be fired.
Indecision is the basis for flexibility.
Never make a decision you can get someone else to make.
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back,
	you've really got something!
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
Creativity varies inversely with the number
	of cooks involved with the broth.
You can make it foolproof but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
Always drive through an amber light.
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put
	a few nickels in the machine.
Fools rush in - and get the best seats.
Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens.
If nobody uses it, there must be a reason.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Everybody should believe in something: I believe I'll have another drink.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with 
	someone you don't want to be seen with.
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone
	to blame it on.
You cannot accurately determine the depth of a puddle until you step in it.
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed.
Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs,
	then you just don't understand the problem.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
1. If its green or it wriggles, it's biology  2. If it stinks it's 	
	chemistry  3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Any system which relies on human reliability is unreliable.
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
	errors, which by definition are limited.
All buses heading in the opposite direction drive off
	the face of the earth and never return.
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition
	doesn't mean he knows what it is.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
The closer you are to the facts of a situation,
	the more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of the situation.
The further away the disaster or accident occurs,
	the greater number of dead and injured required for it to make the news.
Build a system that even a fool can use,
	and only a fool will want to use it.
Those who enjoy sausages and respect the law
	should never watch either one being made.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will
	take the longest and cost the most.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you -
	the next time he's in need.
Einstein's other law of relativity: How long a minute is,
	depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.


