Some quotes from Usenet rec.arts.comics.

"Cerebus can destroy ANYTHING.  Cerebus is the POPE."

"What number is this, Chip?"
"7 A!"
"OK, like don't get excited, man.  It's 'cause I'm short, I know."

"I found this seance to pass the most stringent tests
of credulity, with the minor exception of a phonograph,
which was found under Madame Reynaud's dress."

"It wouldn't be sporting to just run over them... Would it?"
"Yes... Yes, it would!"

"You know, once in a while it is my pleasure, and my privilege to welcome
here at the Refreshment Room some of the truly great international
artists of our time.  And tonight we have one such artist.  Ladies and
gentlemen, someone who I've always personally admired, perhaps more
deeply, more strongly, more ... abjectly than any other performer.
A man, well, more than a man, a god!  A great god, whose personality
is so totally and utterly wonderful, that my feeble words of welcome
sound wretchedly and pathetically inadequate.  Someone whose boots I
would gladly lick clean, until holes wore through my tongue!  A man
who is so totally and utterly wonderful, that I would rather be sealed
in a pit of my own filth than dare tread on the same stage with him!
Ladies and Gentlemen, the incomparably superior human being, Harry Fink!"
"He can't come!"

"A penny for your thoughts?"
"A dollar for your death."

"Any trouble, boy?"
"No, old man.  Thought I was having trouble with my adding.
'T's all right now."

"Exactly how obscene an amount of money were we talking about?
Profane?  Or really offensive?"

"No more rhymes now.  I mean it!"
"Anybody want a peanut?"

"It's no longer a blue world, Max.  Where can we go?"
"Argentina?"

"Bally Jerry, pranged his kite right in the how's-your-father - hairy
blighter, dicky-birded, feathered back on his sammy, took a waspy,
flipped over on his Betty Harper's and caught his can in the Bertie."

"Can you give me a lift back?"
"Ah -- can do.  But won't."

"May I take your trident, sir?"

"Decadent rodent, we will bury you."

He has been known by many names;  the Prince of Lies,
the Director, Lucifer, Belial, and once, at a party,
some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".

"Round up the usual suspects!"

"Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension
of the Blues Brothers has been approved."

"Well, I noticed the lad with the thermonuclear device was the Chief
Constable for the area."

"Personally, I was shocked to discover our plastic surgeon was
an alcoholic."
"Yes, he raised quite a few eyebrows."

"Please excuse my wife.  She may appear to be rather nasty,
but underneath she has a heart of formica."

"If we increase the size of the penguin until it is the same height
as the man and then compare the relative brain size, we now find that
the penguin's brain is still smaller.  But, and this is the point,
it is larger than it _was_."

"What a pinhead!  Does he not fear us?!"

"What are your general areas of interests?"
"Aerodynamics.  Designer jeans.  Roofing supplies.  That sort of thing."
"What sort of thing?"
"You know, liquidity.  Point-of-sale.  Margin accounts.  Fast lane."

"The late Mr. Lupner was born without a spine."
"No wonder he has the posture of a boiled shrimp!"

"I've got to concentrate.  I've got to concentrate!
..Hello?
..Echo!
..Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon, Manny Mota!"

"700 hours of community service work?  Who has that kind of free time?"

"`Psychophallystisis.'"
"Eat hot death, Steve."

"Listen.  Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is
no basis for a system of government!  Supreme executive power derives
from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic
ceremony!"
"Be quiet!"
"You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause
some watery tart threw a sword at you!"
"Shut up!"
"I mean, if I went around saying I was an emperor, just because
some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!"

"Happiness is being famous for your financial
ability to indulge in every kind of excess."

"C'mon, Hobbes, if you lend me a buck I'll buy you a comic book."

"Nigel, what are you saying?"
"How do we know he's not Mel Torme?"

COWBOY WALLY BEER
"Real beer.  Manly beer.  Ripsnortin' pukearama.  Dammit."

"What do you say we guys go down to the beach and shoot
some clams?"

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
have made them cute and furry. 

"Lacquered frog bands are no longer popular with America's influential
trendsetters, Max.  We'd be hosed."

"It's funny, I hate the itching, but I don't mind the swelling."

Arriving home, they learned that Glenn and Edna Catwomb had been
slain by maniacs.

"I don't know what you want here, but I think you should
know that I've killed a LOT of old people in my time,
and I'm not above doing it again."

"And Dinsdale's there in the conversation pit with Doug, and Charles
Paisley, the baby crusher, and a couple of film producers, and a man
they called `Kierkegaard,' who just sat there biting the heads off
whippets."

"Please, don't make me treat you like dogs.  I don't want to
treat you like common dogs."

"It's real handy, havin' an Elder God in the band, eh?"

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to operate.  It's nothing to worry
about, although it is EXTREMELY dangerous."

"Right.  Who's got a boil on his semprini then?"

"Hey Dad, if I saved up my allowance, could I buy a monkey?"
"Of course not!"
"OK, then I won't save up."

"Like all reputable surgeons, I charge by the pound..."

"My cigarette smoke mixed with the smoke of my .38.  If business was
as good as my aim, I'd be on Easy Street.  Instead, I've got an office
on 49th Street and a nasty relationship with a string of collection
agents.
"Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet.  I've got eight slugs in me.  One's
lead, and the rest are bourbon.  The drink packs a wallop, and I pack
a revolver.  I'm a private eye.
"Suddenly my door swung open, and in walked trouble.  Brunette, as usual."

"You'd better ask yourself `Do I feel lucky?'
Well, do you, punk?"

"To me it is like a mountain.. a vast BOWL of PUS!"

"Sometimes you just gotta say `what the heck'."

"In accordance with our principles of free enterprise and
healthy competition, I'm going to ask you two to fight to
the death for it."

"I'm sorry, but you must have me confused with some OTHER
plate-lipped white girl named `Irene'."

"It's Czechoslovakia, man!  It's like going into Wisconsin!"

"It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool."

Ant Boy calmly prepares to execute his new friend ant-style...
by PINCHING OFF HIS HEAD!

"Hey, stewardess.  Run through that seatbelt demonstration
a few more times.  It's unbelievably tricky!"

Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
start closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals
and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.

"Now it's time to say goodbye.  Please get off my property.  Until
next year!  I suggest you don't dawdle -- the hounds will be released
in 10 minutes."

"...And was head of Gestapo for 10 years.. No!  5 years!..
No!  No!  Nein, was not head of Gestapo at all!  I make joke."

"Van Gogh would've sold more than one painting if he'd put tigers in them."

"MY SENSORS INDICATE TRACE AMOUNTS OF CHOCOLATE IN THE PANTRY.
PLEASE LOAD SOME IN MY SCOOP FOR ANALYSIS."
"No, you'll spoil your appetite."

"MY MISSION MUST NOT FAIL.  PREPARE FOR ANNIHILATION, PITIFUL
EARTH FEMALE."

"I guess test-flying F-20 Tigersharks at Mach 3 all
day has rattled my good manners..."

"You try any preversions in there, and I'll blow your head off."

"LONG LIVE THE GLORIOUS COCKROACH REBELLION AGAINST THE
GREAT SUBURBAN BOURGEOIS OPPRESSOR SWINE-PIG!"
        <Slam!>
"I HATE revolutionary jargon."

"In your plan, `A Better Britain For Us', you claimed that
you would build eighty-eight thousand million billion houses
a year in the greater London area alone.  In fact, you built
only three in the last 15 years. Are you a bit disappointed with
this result?"
"No, no.  I'd like to answer this question, if I may, in two
ways.  Firstly, in my normal voice, and then in a kind of silly,
high-pitched whine."

"Comedy.  Sudden, violent, comedy!"

"Logic is a tweeting bird, chirping in your ear.
Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers that smell _bad_."

"There's nothing an agnostic can't do if he really doesn't know
whether he believes in anything or not."

"I ran out of gas!  I got a flat tire!  I locked my keys in the car!
An old friend came in from out of town!  I lost my tux at the
cleaners!  Someone stole my car!  There was an earthquake!  A terrible
flood!  Locusts!  It wasn't my FAULT!"

"Koko, will there be gnomes and dwarves for Lebee to wrestle with?"
"Yes Mishu, and also trolls and mutants we may spar with!"

"I'm doing everything I can, and stop calling me Shirley."

"The great scallop, this tatty, scrofulous old rapist, is
second in depravity only to the common clam.  This latter
is a right whore, a harlot, a trollop, a cynical bed-hopping
firm-breasted Rabelaisian bit of sea food that makes Fanny
Hill look like a dead pope."

"As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is
not important that you understand what I'm doing or why
you're paying me so much money.  What's important is that
you continue to do so."
"I like overkill."

"When will I learn?  The answers to life's problems aren't at the
bottom of a bottle.  They're on TV!"

The heart, the liver, the spleen, the pancreas.  All these miraculous
organs work in _total_darkness_!

"I have no intention of spending the rest of the evening,
let alone the rest of my life, with a compulsive, anal-retentive
chowderhead."

"So whaddya want?  Wicker?!?"

"Darling, would you like to propose another toast?"
"To a warmed, darkened, slightly crispy slice of bread."

"Padlock?"
"The IRS.  Picky picky picky."

"He'p me!  Somebody, pleez, he'p me!  I been hypmotize'!"

A hundred bottles of beer on the wall, a hundred bottles
of beer.  If one of those bottles should happen to
fall, it would shake the very foundations of the Universe.
-from Mauve'Bib's "The Seven Pillows of Wisdom,"
edited by the Princess Serutan

"The evidence before the court is
incontrovertible; there's
no need for the jury to
retire."

"I want a full scale Red Alert throughout the world.  Surround EVERYONE
with EVERYTHING we got!  Mobilize every fighting unit and every weapon
we can lay our hands on.  I want...  I want three full scale global
nuclear alerts, with every Army, Navy, and Air Force unit on ETERNAL standby!"

"He's not Santa Claus...He doesn't LOOK like Santa Claus!"
"Don't judge a book by its hide, kid.  I let folks believe
that `fat, jolly' nonsense 'cause it makes 'em FEEL good.

So, are you tots gonna bust me out of here, or stand there
gaping like trout?"

Venn ist das nurnstuck git und Slotermeyer?
Ja!  Beigerhund das oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

"I am successful because I am the only person in my city
who is not heavily addicted to powerful narcotics."

"Bring the little ones unto me, and I will get
a good price for them."

"The part I think I'd like best is crushing people who get in my way."

"Okay, so there's these two guys, right?  Okay, so this one guy
says to the other... oh, right, they're in a bar.  Okay, so these
two guys, anyway, so...  So he says to the guy, who's black, he
says to him, no, wait, he's Chinese.  He says, `Hey have you seen
my mother-in-law?'  No, wife... It's his wife, right. So he says,
`Hey, have you seen my wife?'  And so the bartender says... no,
the Jew, Chinese, the Chinese guy, he HAW HAW!  HAW... snort.
Sorry, I just remembered something funny."

"How much for the little girl?  Your women -- how much for the women?"

"We're taking you to a clambake."

...sung by the man who turned a personal affliction into a
singing career -- Don "No Soul" Wilson!

"If you could have any amount of money... How much would you want?"
"All of it."

"But Calvin is no kind and loving god!  He's one of
the _old_ gods!  He demands sacrifice!"

"Pork rinds! *Gasp* *Choke* Vienna sausages! *Uk...uk...uk*
Orange marshmallow peanuts (The Horror, The Horror)!"

"Nice tie... BONEHEAD!"

"But, will I get the chicks?  I mean, in truckloads?"

"And now, Little Bobby Pootwaddle will read last month's contest
winner."
"Last month's question --
    `In 1000 words or less, describe how
    Amy Sue Sturdfetzer looked much older than 12.'"

"If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't
be a human being.  You'd be a game-show host."

"I haven't time to go chasing after him!  There's violence to be done!"

"What about these commandments then?"
"You again?  All right...  There shall be TWO commandments,
and this shall be the first of them:
    "Keep the noise down."
"Just that?  `Keep the noise down'?"
"You got it."
"Hmmm.  And the second of Your commandments, Lord?"
"Do what thou wilst," (sayeth the Lord), "just
go away and don't bother Me now.  For behold,
some of Us are trying to get some sleep around here."

"Sorry, Nick.  I lied, man."

You think you got it rough?
What about your darling doggy?
Ten short years
and he's getting old and groggy.

"I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats."

"It's not me I'm worried about... It's your mother...
Pining away her twilight years..."
"It's a terrible thing when a mother spends her old age
in a pine tree."

"True, money _can't_ buy happiness, but it isn't
happiness I want.  It's money."

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is
second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little
scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds
if we felt like it.

"I hate snakes!  I hate 'em!!"
"C'mon!  Show a little backbone, will ya?"

"Oh oh!  No more buttered scones for me, Mater,
I'm off to play the grand piano!"

"I wish _I_ was a tiger."
"A common lament."

"Why is it that the truly brilliant are doomed to a life of obscurity,
surrounded by a sea of mediocrity, only to end up covered in sores in
a pool of their own filth?  Oh well, the beat goes on."

"_My_ side of the woods abounds in natural scenic splendor.  _Your_
side wallows in decay and filth.  My territory is infinitely superior
to yours."

"I'm not saying we won't get our hair mussed a bit.."

"Mushy mushy mushy."

"I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of
being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being
sick and tired.  I'm certainly not!  But I'm sick and tired of being told
that I am!"

"Nazis!  I hate those guys."

"All Lord Julius demands is total and complete obedience
and more money every time we pay him.  He's being quite
reasonable, really..."

"Elvis has LEFT the building!"

"`Lousy stinking radicals,' he opines, `figure the law is
there for you to hide behind...  Well, the law _isn't_ there
for you to hide behind, it's there for _us_ to hide behind...
the good and law-abiding people of this great city-state.'  His
fists are like twin sledgehammers dealing out pure and righteous
justice... `You're either with us or against us, vermin... That's
what freedom's all about.'  His roach-sense floods the room...
ping!  ping!  ping!  And detects the presence of a heavily unarmed
malcontent...`Taste boot, scum...'"

"It's hard to get a refund when the salesman is sniffing
your crotch and baying at the moon..."

"If you don't vote for me I'll kill you all."

"I will point out that a lady of refinement would not wish to be found
so high in a tree."
"Then I am a lady of refinement well and truly," said Madouc, "since I
did not wish to be found."

`As leader, you should never forget those who are loyal
to you.  You should hold parties for them regularly
and have lots of whiskey (free) for them.  That way, they
get drunk and reveal themselves as the disloyal vermin they
all are in reality.'
       -- "On Governing"

"Thank God.  The police."

"Do you think there's a God?"
"Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"

"Vaya con dios, scumbucket."

"Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the
most important decisions a teenager can make."

"There's another weird lizard farm coming up fast at eleven o'clock."

"I feel the warmth of its presence, Sam."

"Kirk may be a swaggering, overbearing, tin-plated dictator with
delusions of godhood, but he's not soft."

"Captain Kirk.  It's a pleasure to welcome you to Noldicia.
More fun than humans should be allowed to have."

"They're not booing.  They're just chanting `Dave! Dave!'"

"Mind your manners, son!  I've got a tall pointy hat!"

"You got an alarm clock in there, sir?"
"No!  No, heavens, no, no..  Just vests."
"Sounded a bit like an alarm clock going off."
"Oh, it can't have been.  It must have been a vest..
uh.. go-.. going off."

"`BILLSBY SLASHES FOUR, DIES IN COCAINE BRAWL'"
"That's the front page, Mrs. Billsby."

"Why is that ridiculous toy on your head?"
"Because if I wear it anywhere else, it chafes."

"Why are you RUNNING?  Cerebus just wants to KILL you a little..."

"You have an annoying fascination for timepieces, Mr. Sulu."

"That's so deep, I'm getting the bends.... If you want me, I'll
be in the decompression chamber."

Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently
dropped the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag
the physician outside where he would beat him to death with a live
ocelot.

"The living dead don't NEED to solve word problems."

"I feel lightheaded, Sam.  I think my brain
is out of air.  But it's kind of a neat feeling."

"Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb, you know.  Most of it's
up, until you reach the very very top, and then it tends to slope
away rather sharply."

"The good thing about drawing a tiger is that it automatically
makes your picture fine art."

"That gum you like is going to come back in style."

"My nipples explode with delight!"

"Ho!  Ha-ha!  Guard!  Turn!  Parry!  Dodge!  Spin!  Ha!  Thrust!"

"It's psychosomatic.  You need a lobotomy.  I'll get a saw."

"How often does the train go by?"
"So often you don't even notice it."

"I tell you, Molly, I like the work so much, I'd do it even if
I didn't have to -- by court order, under threat of fine, imprisonment,
or both."

"That's the fact, Jack!"

"Regrettable that this society has chosen suicide."

"Well, there we're in kind of a gray area..."
"How gray?"
"Charcoal."

"I would advise youse to keep dialin', Oxmix."

"I told them kids to keep their arms inside the ride.
Damnedest thing I ever saw."

"A boy without mischief is like a bowling bowl without a liquid center."

"The band is just fantastic,
That is really what I think,
Oh by the way, which one's Pink?"

Rule #10 of the Miss America Pageant:
    Liposuction is permitted, but not as part of the talent competition.

"Inconceivable!"
"You keep using that word.  I don't think it means what you think it means."

"Max, that bathing suit you're wearing makes my flesh crawl!
And where did you get sunglasses to fit your bizarrely-spaced
eyeballs?"

"Mr. Canal, stop this instant!  I must ask that you
refrain from knife-fighting in the White House!"

...And since the stench of death will always attract flies and vermin,
the arrival of Geraldo was perhaps inevitable.

"How does this sound..?  `Stop, or I'll stand very,
very still for a surprisingly long time!'"

"Guards, beat this man brutally for daring to try to confuse me!"

"Have you thought much about luggage, Mr. Banks?"
"No..."
"It's the central preoccupation of my life."

"This is not a lending library.  Put the magazine back or I'll blow
your heads off."

"I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal."

"Did you see it, Reiger?  It was hideous!"

"I don't sing, I don't dance, and I don't like people who do."

"We're not laughing at you -- we're laughing near you."

"Don't fight it - It's bigger than both of us.  In your case
that verges on the incredible."

   Spock was waiting for them when they got to the conference
room.  "Captain, I've run the data we collected through the
computer."
   "Well, Spock, you must be a very proud young man.  So what's
the deal with these council weasels?"

"Nice girls don't explode."

"How was it, little buddy?"
"It was dark, like a cave, and there were no
toilets -- just black, smoking holes in the walls
and floor!  Giant roaches howled like damned souls
as they skittered along the mouldered grout-work!"

"VROOOM! VROOOM!  Out of the way, lady!  Run!
Run for safety, foolish pedestrians!"

"[The vector] has never been of the slightest use to any creature."
-Lord Kelvin

"A mind is a terrible thing to waste someone with."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, seldom can it have been a greater pleasure
and privilege than it is for me now to announce that the next award
gave me the great pleasure and privilege of asking a man without
whose ceaseless energy and tireless skill the British Film
Industry would be today."

"Have you ever seen a spleen that large?"
"Whoa, no .. not since breakfast."

"If you don't care for your scalp, you'll get rabies!"

"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some
sheep's testicles for a bet...God, that bloody sheep kicked him..."

"Wheat.  So what?"

"There's nothing more dangerous than a wounded mosquito."

"Hey Dad, you crossed my line of death!"

"We're not just going to let you walk out of here."
"Who's we, sucker?"
"Smith, and Wesson, and me."

"This man is no ordinary man.  This is Mr. F. G. Superman."

"Where does he keep his water dish?"

"More pie, Admiral?"

"Dry hair's for squids."

"Really, now, Powers.  Had I intended for educated men to
read that nonsense, I would have used smaller type..."

"And when do you expect to get married?"
"Oh, right away, sport, right away, you know!  I 'aven't 'ad it
for weeks!"

"Spontaneous combustion!  What a stroke of luck!"

"Dick!  You're FIRED!"

Dark and lonely
on a summer night.
Kill my landlord,
Kill my landlord.
Watchdog barkin'
Do he bite?
Kill my landlord,
Kill my landlord.

"You look like a man with the minimum daily requirement of
intelligence.  Where can I find a book on self-confidence?"

"I'm the head waiter.  This is a vegetarian restaurant only.
We serve no animal flesh of any kind.  We're not only proud
of that, we're ... smug about it."

"...just when I had you wriggling in the crushing grip of reason, too..."

Birds of prey know they're cool.

"You must have had visions of sugarplums dancing in your head, little pal."
"Oh thank God!  I thought it was a twiching, lemon-sized brain tumor."

I saw a werewolf drinking a Pina Colada at Trader Vic's, and his
hair was _perfect_.

"Get a life!"

"Flint Paper is insane.  I really respect that."

"Sweet Loretta Fat, she thought she was a cleaner, but she was a frying pan..."

"Back off, man!  I'm a scientist!"

"If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."

"Oh Mr. Belpit, your legs are so swollen!"

"Take me away, imperialist puppets of the great Pay-TV satanistic
corporate booger-heads!"

"It was a mutual parting of the ways.  We gave him the freedom to
do what he wanted to do."
"What was that?"
"Drink himself to death."

Two, four, six, eight,
Time to transubstantiate!

"Storage compartments?  Storage compartments?"
"No!  That's just what they'll be expecting us to do!"
"Yes, well, that's just the sort of blinkered philistine pig-ignorance
I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage."

"Are you the police?"
"No, ma'am.  We're musicians."

"We're aimed the wrong way to be going home, Gumby."
"Home...?  We're on an express elevator to HECK!"

"Stephanie, do you know what I do when I don't understand an emotion?
I suppress and deny it."

"Sir, I think I wanted to express the duality of man - a kind of
Jungian thing, sir."

"?Que pasa, Senorita?  !I am el fugitivo!"

"I've heard about these cult jamborees.  It's an international
goon gathering.  Lots of howling and drinking... Orgiastic
worship of heathen idols... Great looking chicks in diaphanous robes..."

"How do you do your squid?"
"Fine.  How do _you_ do, sir?"

"How many men you got 'ere, Colonel?"
"Oh, 7,000 infantry, 600 artillery, and 2 divisions of paratroops."
"Paratroops, Dino!"  "It'd be a shame of someone was to set fire to dem."
"Set fire to them?!"
"Fire's 'appen, Colonel."  "Fings's burn..."

"Bicycle Repair Man, how can I ever repay you?"
"Well, you don't need to, gov, it's all right.
It's all in a day's work for ... Bicycle Repair Man. <Sniff!>"

"Where the hell's he get the atomic bomb?"

"Take my Worf, please."

"I don't patronize bunny rabbits!"

"Now hear this!  The father/son sack race will begin in 5 minutes
on the north lawn.  Participation is MANDATORY, repeat MANDATORY!"

"Look!  It's trying to think!"

"How does he do it, Smithers?"
"He's a love machine, sir."

"Kato, what is going on in that little yellow brain of yours?"

"We would like to apologize for the way in which politicians are
represented in this programme.  It was never our intention to imply
that politicians are weak-kneed, political time-servers who are more
concerned with their personal vendettas and private power struggles
than the problems of government, nor to suggest at any point that
they sacrifice their credibility by denying free debate on vital
matters in the mistaken impression that party unity comes before
the well-being of the people they supposedly represent, nor to imply
at any stage that they are squabbling little toadies without an ounce
of concern for the vital social problems of today.  Nor indeed do we
intend that viewers should consider tham as crabby ulcerous little
self-seeking vermin with furry legs and an excessive addiction to
alcohol and certain explicit sexual practices which some people might
find offensive.  We are sorry if this impression has come across."

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Babs' uvula."
"Babs' uvula who?"
"I don't know, Babs, but I do know this.  Your uvula's on the fritz."
"Gee, doc, I must have stupidly glossed right over my uvula!"

"Mistakes were made."

"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
"NO!...I mean Yes!  WHAT?"
"I'll put `maybe.'"

"Leaving a trail of slime wherev-"
           >CLICK!<

  "Never mind what I said," the Lord spake.  "Doth thou
listen to every crazy idea that comes thy way?" And
Abraham grew ashamed.  "Er -- not really... no."
  "I jokingly suggest thou sacrifice Isaac and thou
immediately runs out to do it."
  And Abraham fell to his knees, "See, I never know
when you are kidding."
  And the Lord thundered, "No sense of humor.  I can't
believe it."

"Llamas are larger than frogs."

"May I take this opportunity of emphasizing that there is no
cannibalism in the British Navy.  Absolutely none, and when I
say none, I mean there is a certain amount, more than we are
prepared to admit."

"Into the mud, Scum Queen!"

"Want some pretzels?"
"No thanks, we're on duty.  A couple beers would be nice, though."

"They pelted us with rocks and garbage!"

"Shall we go down and give blood?"
"Oh, I don't want a great bat flapping round my neck."

"It's a dessert topping AND a floor wax!"

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!"

"Curse you, Inspector Dim. You are too clever for us naughty people."

Hurl that spheroid down the field..

"There should be a psychology of feet.  For do we not
make decisions with our legs, and walk about on our brains?

What do you mean, `No, not really,'?"
-from "The Notebooks of Mauve'Bib--Outtakes, Bloopers,
and Unconvincing Maxims," Edited by the Princess Serutan.

"I'm a LAGOMORPH, Sam!  Look it up!"

But for the lack of any untoward circumstances for this young
secretary to notice, and the total non-involvement of Mr. Mellish
in anything illegal, the full weight of the law would have
insured that Ralph Aldis Mellish would have ended up like all who
challenge the fundamental laws of our society: in an iron coffin
with spikes on the inside!

"One of us should bust in and confuse them while _I_
head them off around front."

"Get that finger out of your ear!  You don't know where that finger's been!"

"He was a thief, and a terrorist, but on the other hand he had
a tremendous singing voice."

"If you wanted to make Sarok the Preparer cry, well, mission accomplished."

"Remember, this is only an exhibition, this is NOT a competition -- please,
no wagering."

"I'll have you all executed!"
"I think not."

"Mind you, I can't say much for the volume's condition.
I mean, there's a hole in the jacket and the spine appears
to be damaged."

"Zere were zwei peanuts walking down ze strasse.
And one was assaulted.. peanut.  Ha ha ha.."

"It's the Peterson kid dressed as an iguana!"

"Gregor Wass, your presence intimidates me to the point of humiliation.
Would you care to strike me?"

"And stop referring to dinner as `the recent unpleasantness'."

"Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple
and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Subtle Plans Are
Here Again'."

"You think they spotted us?"
"Gimme a donut."

"Say, isn't that a twenty-story-high Gumby-shaped robot
approaching at about Mach 8?"
"What do you know...?  So it is."

"The world bores you when you're cool."

"I'm 6 foot 5, and I eat punks like you for breakfast!"

"It's classified.  I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."

"Are there many fires in Norway?"
"Oh Good Lord yes.  The place is a constant blaze!"

"All right, you worthless _vermin_!  No more Mister Nice Pope!"

"They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos.
Had one get loose on me back in '62.  It slipped
out of the cables while we were lowering it out
of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six
innocents in an insane bid for freedom."

"He doesn't know when he's beaten, this boy.  He doesn't know when
he's winning either.  He doesn't have any sort of sensory apparatus
known to man."

"Oh no.  Ed Smith, Lizard of Doom, has come from a planet
far beyond our solar system to devour us.  Gaze and tremble,
mortals.  None can escape the wrath of Ed Smith, Lizard of Doom."

"Have you got a 27 B stroke 6?"

"Many people in this country are becoming increasingly worried about
bullfighting.  They say it's not only cruel, vicious, and immoral, but
also blatantly unfair.  The bull is heavy, violent, abusive, and
aggressive, wth four legs and great sharp teeth, whereas the bullfighter
is only a small, greasy Spaniard."

Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes
on a long, dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists
and turns, being attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and
not knowing until the last minute whether it will be turned into a
useful body part or ejected into the Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter.

"Mr. Notlob, there's nothing wrong with you that an expensive
operation can't prolong!"

"You know what I wish?  I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
and I had my hands about it."

"I can't think of anything more relaxing than being locked
in a moving car with YOU for about 300 hours, little pal."

"That's really sweet, Sam.  I may weep openly."

"Ooh, neat!  Santa got caught in this beartrap I set!  Wow!  He
gnawed his own foot off to escape!"

"Help!  Help!  I'm being repressed!"

"We interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, Two-Sheds!"
"Yes, make yourself scarce, Two-Sheds.  This studio isn't big enough for
the three of us!"

"Get your own arts program, you fairy!"

"Oh, great altar of passive entertainment, bestow upon
me thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear
thought impossible!"

"Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K."

"Has anybody seen my legs?"

"I've got a lot of cutting and pasting to do, gentleman, so
please, why don't you return to your porch rockers and resume
whittling?"

"What better place to begin my reign of Communist terror and
oppression than a memorial to that decadent and imperialist
American, Melville Dewey, hated originator of the Dewey Decimal
System!!"

"I've grown to hate them."

"How many of us can honestly say that at one time or another he
hasn't felt sexually attracted to mice?"

"Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"

School's out!
School's out!
Teacher let the monkeys out!
One was jailed!
One prevailed!
Both asked God: "How have I failed?"
--traditional grad school chant

Senators, TV Crews, and the nation in general are mystified when,
on the third day, Flaming Carrot shows a STAR TREK BLOOPER REEL
on behalf of the defense.

That's not funny, that's sick!

"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it
for a toilet.  The rides are dilapidated to the point
of being lethal, and could easily maim or kill innocent
little children."

"Oh, so you don't like it?"
"Don't like it?  I'm CRAZY for it."

"Don't be stupid.  Be a smarty.
 Come and join the Nazi Party."

"You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
..except, y'know, not green...
...and without all the patches of fungus."

"Captain, how soon can we land?"
"I can't tell."
"You can tell me; I'm a doctor."

"Did you know the phone company uses the bone marrow
of Third World babies to make microchips?"

"Once the trust goes out of a relationship, it's no fun
lying to them anymore."

"Jane, you ignorant slut."

"Speaking as a Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church, as
first minister of Louis XIII, and as one of the architects
of the modern world already, would you say that Harold Larch
was a man of good character?"
"Listen, Harry is a very wonderful human being."

"Where do we keep all our chainsaws, mom?"

"Ah, monsieur.  And how are we today?"
"Better."
"Better?"
"Better get a bucket.  I'm gonna throw up."

"We have your favorite animal cookies.  Here's
a gorilla... Here's a collared peccary..."

"I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid."

"Hey, Max -- Wake up!  You're missing all the fun!"
"What?"

"A seven-foot specter of evil appeared in front
of the car, so I ran over it.  Sounded like a bag
of laundry going under.  Hope I didn't hurt the
tires.  Want a fig newton?"

"I feel like I know her, but sometimes my arms bend back."
