
Ask Dr. Stupid
AM I A NEANDERTHAL?

   Good question!  As you know, Neanderthal man may have interbred with modern
man.  His descendants are with us even today, passing for full-blooded Homo
sapiens.  If you suspect a "touch of the old hand ax" in your ancestry, score
yourself on this test:

 1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle?  If so, give yourself five points.
 2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position?  If not, take five points.
 3. Got a chin?  If the answer is no, add three points.
 4. How about a forehead? If not, add another three points.
 5. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head?  Then give yourself
    five points.
 6. Do you ever open Coke bottles with your teeth?  If you do, add ten points.
 7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting
    in a chair?  Take five points.
 8. Is your head attached vertically to your neck?  If not, add one point for
    every five degrees of slope.
 9. Less than five feet tall?  Add one point for every inch under.
10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm, add one point for every
    inch of difference.
11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs.
12. Pigeon-toed?  Five points.
13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club?  You're normal
    - no points.
14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold an
    apple?  Add five points.
15. Do you regularly eat apples in this way?  Add fifteen points.
16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not?  Give
    yourself ten points.
17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat?
    Take five more points.
18. Is your nickname "Duke," "Butch," or "Animal"?  Three points.

SCORING
0-20 points:    You are a virtually pure Homo sapiens.  Feel free to build
                bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.
20-40 points:   A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally
                have spells of privitive behavior, crawling around on all
                fours and whooping wildly.  If you live in California, no one
                will notice.
40-60 points:   You can still function quite well in the modern world, but
                avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give
                you away.
60-80 points:   Your Plasticine heritage is predominant.  You should consider
                a career in pro football.
80-100 points:  Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no
                place for you in human society.  Try running for public office
                instead.

From Science Made Stupid by Tom Weller


