
                             NEW - TREKFUME

    In their continuing effort to milk it for all it's worth,  Paramount, in
cooperation with Calvin Klein, will be unveiling the new "Next
Generation" colognes and perfumes for the fall season.  Most will be
available in the bargain bins at K-Mart, Ames, and other fine cosmetic
outlets. I felt it necessary to acquaint you with some of with some of
ad campaigns... and a few that didn't make the production line:
    "ENGAGE" (based on Jean-Luc Picard, magazine ad to appear in
Vanity Fair, Rolling Stone, Field and Stream, and Billiard Balls
Anonymous)
    The ad is in black and white, complexion-verite style and features
the good Captain (Patrick Stewart) in chains, representing the "Chain
of Command."  His uniform pants are pulled down just enough to reveal
his 24th century Calvin Klein underwear.  He is topless (in more ways
than one) and wearing a goofy grin, similar to that of Marky Mark.
    The printed text reads:
"Steadfast.  Strong.  French.  All that is Jean-Luc.  All that
can be you.  Make it so."

    "NUMBER ONE" (based on Commander Riker, television ad to run
on TNT, and local public-access channels)
    The spot features Jonathan Frakes in flannel shirt and seated on a
stool, though visible only from the waist up.  Frakes, of course, is
smirking.
    The printed text reads:
"Hello. I'm Jonathan Frakes.  You may wonder why Commander Riker
scores with all the hot alien babes every week on Star Trek: The Next
Generation.  Well, a lot of it has to do with my charm and charisma,
but mostly it's this stuff here. (Frakes reaches down to hoist up the
two-gallon jug version of the product upon his lap.)  "NUMBER ONE"
by Calvin Klein. Yeah, I splash on this stuff everyday.  One whiff of
this is enough to blow her pantyhose off!  So if you want to be a big
studly guy like me, pick up this.  It's better than 'Hi-Karate'."
    Scene cuts to black and white cloud-flecked sky shown in sped-up
form. Two-Gallon jug of "NUMBER ONE" fades in. Breathy female
voice intones: "NUMBER ONE by Calvin Klein.  Don't use it sparingly."

    "SLUT" (based on Counselor Deanna Troi, magazine ad slated to
appear in Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler and other revealing
publications)
    The color ad, displays the confident Counselor (Marine Sirtis) on
her bed, in very revealing, new Calvin Klein designer lingerie, wearing
a cocky grin.  Sirtis holds a small, mind-shaped bottle posed
provocatively between her breasts for the tight, insert shot.  (So to
speak.)
    The printed text reads:
"Hellooooo.  I'm Marine Sirtis, but you probably know me better as the
token space bimbo.  Who cares?  I get paid a fortune to drag guys into
bed.  You don't think I could do it with just my looks, do you?  When
I'm wearing "SLUT" men just don't care.  You too can be a "SLUT."

    Other products/campaigns have been abandoned:

 "NUMBER TWO" (based on...who the hell is #2??) wound up in the
toilet. Besides, it smelled REALLY BAD!
 "BLIND FAITH" (based on Geordi, LaVar Burton) offered limited
appeal with the slogan: "So blind people can smell you coming."
 "Q" (based on Q, John de Lancie) fizzled when the name
conflicted with another fragrance for gay men.
 "WARRIOR" (based on Worf, Michael Dorn) tended to make people
too aggressive.  Several testers ended up in the hospital with
unusual injuries.
 "BLACK HOLE" (based on Gynan, Whoopie Goldberg) raised objections
from various groups and organizations.
 "MOTHER" (based on Lwaxana Troi) seemed to offend most everyone.
 "ALLORE" (based on Lore) tended to bring out the evil in people.
 "ANDROID" (based on Data) invoked little emotion.

