Message #5812 board "S_Rant & Rave "
Date : 29-May-94 11:23
From : Joe Momma
To   : All
Subj : Remedial FLAME - part one.


     ***********The Twelve Commandments of Flaming**************
            borrowed without permission from  David Byrnes

 1. Make things up about your opponent:  It's important to make your
    lies sound true.  Preface your argument with the word "clearly."
    "Clearly, Brian Hillis is a racist, and a dirtball to boot."

 2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person.  You've heard of
    Freud.  You took a psychology course in college.  Clearly, you're
    qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent.  "Peach Pshawski (God
    Bless You!),  by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she
    has a bad case of .........."

 3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the
    next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal.  From OPINION to
    EZ-READER to PETS to CHIT-CHAT, they're all holding their breaths
    until your next flame.  Therefore, post everywhere.

 4. Conspiracies abound:  If everyone's against you, the reason can't
    *possibly*  be that you're a #anatomypart@.  There's obviously a
    conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor
    by exposing it.

 5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the
    Yin & Yang of flaming).  Threatening a lawsuit is always considered
    to be in good form.  "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group,
    |Didley has libelled me, slandered me, and sodomized me.  See you
    in court, |Didley."

 6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Ralph Gagliano states
    outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand
    documentation.  If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Ralph's
    pasta preferences, then Ralph's obviously lying.

 7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca
    of flaming.  You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three
    times per article.  Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum",
    "vini, vidi, vici", "fetuccini alfredo".

 8. Tell 'em how smart you are:  Why use intelligent arguments to
    convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them?
    State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America.
    Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school.
    "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell
    the word 'premeiotic'".

 9. Accuse your opponent of censorship.  It is your right as an American
    citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed
    by the 37th Amendment, I think).   Anyone who tries to limit your
    cross-posting or move a flame war to Netusers is either a communist,
    a fascist, or both.

10. Doubt their existence:  You've never actually seen your opponent,
    have you?  And since you're the center of the universe, you should
    have seen them by now, shouldn't you?  Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST!
    This is the beauty of flamers' logic.

11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.

12. When in doubt, insult:  If you forget the other 11 rules, remember
    this one.  At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer
    you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is
    better than you.  This person will expose your lies, tear apart your
    arguments, make you look generally like a bozo.  At this point,
    there's only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!!  "Oh yeah?
    Well, your mother does strange things with ..........."

The Golden Rule of Flaming:

    My flames will be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic, or
sarcastic, but never, ever, will they be boring.


... "I'm NOT a homo-necrophiliac", said Tom in dead earnest.
--- Blue Wave/QBBS v2.12 [NR]
 * Origin: Nimrod's Palace-Vallejo,CA-v32b/HST-(707) 644-0803 (55:2000/105.0)
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