Archive-name: tasteless-faq

                     WELCOME TO ALT.TASTELESS

1. What is alt.tasteless?

A newsgroup devoted to tasteless phenomena in all its forms.
A forum for jokes not allowed anywhere else.
Generally a place for people with a twisted and sick sense of humour.
Some examples of popular alt.tasteless posts:

The joys of raping epeleptics / the dead / pregnants / minors / small furry
animals with big wet eyes.

'The worst (scrotal/nasal/rectal) operation I've ever had'.

The joys of vomiting / farting / pissing / shitting / picking your nose /
masturbating / menses / giving birth to children / sweating / slobbering.

Tasteless sex acts.

  But tastes differ even within the tasteless kingdom. Some like a story of
a little boy sitting on the throne shouting 'Me go plop-plop! Me go plop-plop!'
whereas others favour the weeping spastic on the toilet, desperately struggling
not to miss the bowl screaming 'Me go plop-plop!  Me go plop-plop!'. The first
is a simple example of pleasure in taking a dump (which is per definition
tasteless -not to say forbidden: things you shouldn't talk about coming out a
hole you shouldn't talk about making a sound you should discuss in every
detail..er, sorry making a sound you shouldn't talk about). The second example
brings more sophistication and delicacy into the sordid affair, and is thus
labelled as being more 'mature', the name of the label apparently chosen because
innocent children (or innocent adults, for that matter) will not find it funny,
except perhaps the 'plop-plop!' bit.  This difference in taste was debated a
while ago and ended thus:

**
A person asks:
>I'm confused.  Could someone explain the concept of intelligent,
>mature tastelessness.

tpehrson answers:
original, non-monotonous material, either based on fact or vividly graphic
or repulsive image provking, command of spelling and grammar to the level
of comprehensible.

examples of !(not)tastelessness:  boring fiction, recycled fraternity jokes,
excessive pointless profanity, vanilla sex, elementary playground 'eww gross'
urban legends, license plates, funny names, john young, flaming w/o abhorrent
metaphors and/or insults to mother's sexual integrity.

of course i'm no authority on the matter, but at least i'm not a festering
bag of puss; the result of copulation between my mother and a handful of
earthworms.
**
  Additionally, please note that this is not alt.tacky or alt.bad.taste. This
means that merely saying 'Bee Gees, ha ha ha' is not enough, you will generally
have to couple it with something really tasteless to make other people laugh.
And yes, we have heard zillions of puke and huge bowel movement stories. But
don't let that keep you from posting one, much rather this should raise your
ambitions and thus the quality of your story.

  Then having sussed out that your post is too interesting, intelligent, sick,
twisted and funny to be wasted in rec.humor, alt.evil, sci.med, alt.stupidity,
alt.sex.bestiality, alt.urban.legend, soc.college and so on, you choose
alt.tasteless and post.  The group is unmoderated and the subject line of your
article will be seen by approx.  51000 people worldwide.  WOW!  What will happen
next?

1. Some will ignore it.
2. Some will read part of it, then skip to the next article.
3. Some will read the whole thing.
4. Maybe one or more person(s) will reply to you telling you what they thought
   of the article. They might even follow it up if they have something to add.

This is sadly the ideal picture. People will follow-up even though they have
nothing to add, although you have to suffer from a severe case of tasteless
talent and luck to ever experience case 4. Some very good tasteless posts have
generated absolutely no response, or in other words the same response as you'd
get if you wrote it on a piece of paper only to flush it out the toilet. Then
why post?
Because you fucking feel like it!

   Every now and then a dickless weasel constipated on his own religion or set
of values will bother the noble freethinkers in a.t. with his standard 'This is
not funny' drivel. Best thing is to ignore him, next to mailing him with the
likewise standard reply 'Then why do you read it?'. A follow-up is not a good
solution here, unless you choose to flame him to ashes in such an inspired way
that the readers of alt.tasteless also benefits (hint hint). You are then
strongly encouraged to set the follow-up tag to 'Follow-up To: alt.flame'. This
formal information may make alt.tasteless seem like a terribly boring place, but
all the stuff that has been recommended (not commanded!) thus far has been
recommended in order to make the newsgroup (believe it or not) more chaotic, and
not a boring newsgroup with 3 month cycles.
    It's our hope that you'll now feel WELCOME IN ALT.TASTELESS!
This document can in 4 lines offer you , 'Answers to Frequently Asked Questions'
then a mailorder service followed by a list of other documents worth a look
(with summaries).  To make chapter skipping/browsing easier you can tell your
editor search for the character '|'. In the nn newsreader this can be done by
pressing '/', '|' and '[ENTER]'.

ANSWERS TO FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS/USEFUL INFORMATION:

   5. What is squicking?

   Not from 'Tasteless Sex Acts':

SQUICK -
The pratice one takes up when skull fucking becomes tedious.
Skull fucking is the easiest of the two acts, as you only have to remove your
partners eye to get somewhere to stick your thingy. A proper squicking requires
you to trephine your partner (make a hole in your partners skull) and pork its
brain this way.  Aiming for the gap between the two hemispheres is said to
provide you with firestorming orgasms. geoffm@purplehaze.Corp.Sun.COM (Geoff
Miller) comments: I posted that a year ago, and I *made it up!* I just figured
that was the only activity that would make a "squicking" noise, with the
possible exception of slipping the salami to a sucking chest wound. Caza (a
french comic artist) has this description accompaining a picture of prime
squicking: 'The wound that never heals, the scar after the sacrificial act gaped
rosy red and soft, shining and new...infinitely virginal ... Having bathed a
whole world in blood, commander Aries defiled Lailahs brow with his spunk'. The
name of the comic is 'Lailah' and it also has a good story about a man getting
raped by a frog/woman. If you like Corben, this might be a comic for you.
Squick is also used as a synonyme for 'being pushed beyond ones limits'
in alt.sex.bondage. Therefore you'll sometimes experience people using the word
'Squick' in posts completely devoid of any skull-fucking related activity
(i.e.: 'That article really squicked me' or 'He squicked my arsehole')

   6. Who are Rauli Lauhanen and Steven Snedker?

      By Steven Snedker and Rauli Lauhanen

What do you say about a 6'3'', 180 lbs., heavily armed Spitting Image doll?
Something nice, I suppose. The first thing you notice about him is the mad look
in his green eyes. Rauli is severely deranged. Fortunately he has been able to
refine his many mental diseases into a sort of very twisted personality that
generally occupies his body and answers his name. His hobbies include the
building of bombs, the brewing of poison and the breaking of wind. But most
important to the readers of alt.tasteless: Writing about his life in Finland.
Rauli is responsible for some of the most cancerwanking alt.tasteless stories
ever posted.  In these we get to know the shy and sensitive Rauli, and the most
important things in his life: His 11 year old girlfriend, his thirsty nephews,
his strong, but still very sexy, dad, and his many kiddieporn movies. His
english is bizarre, a fact that makes his racontes even more thigh slappingly
hilarious. Voted as 'The Man with the Most Innocent Look on His Face When Taken
by Surprise With His Hand Up a Cows Arse and his Willy Hanging Out' (Jul 23
1991, just after lunch).

Steven Snedker - The man behind the (SM) mask!
Brown eyed-haired-and-butt-holed wanker with huge brains and feet (#12 I guess..)
Studies CC in univ. of Copenhagen. Would also like to study children-psycology.
Steven is extremely intelligent and reads Nietzsche and Men&Muscles. He's a
perfect bed-mate with serious V-herpes. Doesn't smoke or drink, gets pissed only
in gay-sauna AMIGO!! Can speak Danish, English, German, French, Sweden, Yet
understands Italian and Latin. as said - intelligent and dangerous - left nipple
pierced.
Well -this is the man behind the name. Somebody asking - Hey - what's tasteless
- Nothing - except Steven - the chosen one

   7. What is the stool game?

      From 'Tasteless Sex Acts':

THE STOOL GAME -
case@diku.dk:
                        THE STOOL GAME
                        official rules
Two men sit in front of each other in a bathtub wanking. When the spunk/
water amount is 50:50, you start playing. Both put their feet on the sides
of the bathtub, and try to push their stool as far out as they can,
without losing it. It's extremely funny pushing it far out, then pulling it
in again, and many expierience a wonderful orgasm during this play.
The winner is the man that can push the stool the most far out, and then
still be able to retract it.

One suggested variation (sorry, I lost that post so I can't give proper credit)
is to trade a stool back and forth, the loser being the one to "drop" the
stool.

  27. Aren't you all a bunch of 15 year old wankers?

      A recent survey fixed the average a.t subscribers age at 27 years.
The critique of the group can easily be divided into two categories, and for
your benefit I have included both the critique and the resulting discussions:

                       Mr. Angry-yet-morally-superior
A: I'm offended by a.t in general / some specific article.
Brief: Yes...? / And...? / So what? / Buzz off, cunt!
Nice: It's your god-given right to be offended. Be as offend as you wish. And if
you have something to say within the charter of this newsgroup, don't hesitate
to post.
Practical: In nn, press 'n' to exit an article and 'U' to unsubscribe. Goodbye.
Eager: The why did you read all the way through 'Genital Warts'? Maybe you like
it and just won't admit it? Maybe bla. bla. bla.

A: Don't post such stuff!
Brief: Why?
Nice: Hey, the net is brimming with nice, warm fluffy newsgroups. Don't waste
your time in this one.
Practical: Don't read such stuff!
Eager: Well, we like to...unlike you, a [lots of abuse, the fuel of beaten-to-
death-discussions]

A: Why? Because I'm offended [Start all over again]
   Why? Because: [Pulls his personal value-moral package out of his hat]
Brief: Ha ha ha, what a small and pathetic thing.
Nice: Well, the package might work for you, but do not assume that you can
convince the a.t subscribers that it's the right one for them.

                       Mr. Boys-behave-yourself.
A: This group is only of value to infantile youngsters.
Brief: Yes. / No, I'm not an infantile youngster, and I like it.
Nice: Hardly boys, we're 27...but...DAD, LEAD US THROUGH THE DARK FOREST.
Practical: IF infantile youngster THEN subscribe. Welcome.
           IF NOT infantile youngster THEN unsubscribe. Goodbye.
Eager: Is that why you read it? Your type bla. bla. bla., so maybe you bal and
bla and blah.

I have never seen any of the discussions run further than this. Mr. Angry will
most probably end in abuse, and Mr. Boys will never get anywhere. The two
critique-makers will never get to promoting their own value-moral package.
So, what is your aim in these discussions?
If you are the person beating on a.t and its readers your aim is to get as many
Eager follow-ups as possible. Then you'll have a lot to follow-up to yourself,
and you will know that a number of people used some of their time responding to
something you have written.
If you are an a.t defender you have an easy oppurtunity to show the group what a
brave and cool dude you are. If you do so, please think of your audience.
If you are a reader, you know that nothing new will show up in the discussion,
your only hope being that the abuse will start early on and be very well-written
and graphic. The thumb rule in these discussions is: Don't think that you add
anything new,  just make sure not to waste anybodys time completely.

   8. Is urine sterile?  Can we safely drink it?

      Yes. How your body responds to this refreshment depends on a number of
things, the most important being the concentration of waste products in this
wine for gods. If you drink someones urine after they've had a sixpack, your
kidneys will not be overworked with the extra waste products, but it may not
then have the desired taste/smell/consistency. The berserkers (rough
translation: The Bear Vests) were a happy tribe of vikings in Denmark around
year 800 that had a habit of going berserk. My history book informs me that they
used the alkaloid amanitin found in the mushroom Amanita. The trick was to boil
the mushroom, let the strongest warrior drink the stuff, and have the other
drink his piss. After this they went berserk. They were feared and admired, but
never exported this strange habit to other tribes.
      The most famous peedrinker was good ol' Mahatma Gandhi.  His mornings
would start with him emptying his pottie in a good swig, allegedly for 'The
health of the spirit'. The scientific explanation is that urine, and morning
urine in particular, contains high amounts of melatonine, which is a hormone
produced by the epiphyse during the night. Apart from having a soothing and
painkilling effect melatonine also cheats the body into believing that it has
slept more than it actually has. This manifests itself as a feeling of
well-being and refreshment. The piss of sexually immature children contains
more melatonine than adult piss, which explains the exhilaration one feels when
lapping up infant piss. I have for one always been sure that the happiness
wasn't just psychological. So Maybe you should spend more time as I: lurking
in the bushes near the playground forcing the kids to piss in my smurf beer
mug. You'll feel much better and much more equanimous. Cheers.

   9. What is the gerbil-and-meat grinder story?

      An alt.tasteless classic by Derrick Williams written around the 6th of May
1990. The story is mainly about two funseekers getting rid of gerbils in amusing
ways. (see mailorder)

  10. Vegemite  - fact or fiction?

      Definately fact. Vegemite can be bought in some health stores and isn't
really the canned stool sample that rumour claim it is. Here are some first
hand experiences with the edible caca: "I too have had vegemite. I found a stock
in a "health food" store.  US$ 2.69 for a 4 ounce (113 gram) jar. "5 calories
per serving".  It has an odd, purply-brown color, and a smooth, thick, sticky
texture.  The "axle-grease" association is accurate. It does indeed have
quite a strong salty, yeasty flavor, and you had better spread it on _very_
thinly.  I think it looks like a substance from my native land called
"catfish dough bait", only said bait is a bit grainier, not as creamy.
Catfish dough bait has a thick, liverish, bloody odor to it, and appeared to
be a compound of mud, blood and pureed liver.  On a hot day, opening the tub
of dough bait and inhaling deeply could give you vertigo and motion sickness.
I find it hard to believe that "marmite" has a stronger, more vicious taste
than vegemite.  "Vegemite" has a pretty vicious aftertaste, and because of the
yeast extract, it tends to come back to you later, in belches.  It's also one
of those foods with such a peculiar taste that no matter what you eat after-
wards, vegemite is the taste that sticks with you."


"It is very strong, try a little, then impress your friends with what looks
like eating slabs of bread wiped in black excrement."

  "Well, as a New Zealander, I can truthfully say that Marmite is the
only real yeast extract worth eating.  Vegemite is for wimps, while
Marmite is for real men.  It has a much stronger, more vicious
aftertaste than Vegemite."

  "It was the grossest thing I ever tasted.  It's
about as thick as peanut butter, and to say it tastes like shit would
be an understatement."

INGREDIENTS:
Yeast extract (comes from the grunge that is left over after the beer brewing
process), sea salt, potassium chloride, malt extract, caramel color,
natural flavor, niacin, thiamine hydorchloride, riboflavin.

Serving size: 3.25 gram
Servings per container: 35  (big lie: I ate about a third of the container,
and it was well over 100 servings)

ObTrivia:  Vegemite was invented after Marmite, and for a short time
was called Parwill (get the pun? Mar mite, Par will. Ho ho!).
"Vegemite" was the result of a renaming contest in the 30s(?).

   13. Why do most dogs have astonishingly bad breath?

       Because they will eat the fecal matter of almost any other mammal.

   14. What is "knob cheese", and why does it taste so bad?

       Smegma: a cheesy, sebaceous secretion that forms between
the foreskin and the glans of the penis of male mammals. Having smelt it few
have the nerve to coat their tongue with it or swallow it. A shame really as
this homegrown product easily outcompetes the flavours of all the cheeses made
from milk (except the cheese made from dingo's milk).

   15. Do people wipe front-to-back or back-to-front after dumping?

       Most male alt.tastelessers wipe back to front. All look at the paper
after the wipe and some taste it and kiss it.

   11. Is there an alt.tasteless purity test?

       Paul Spinrad (pspinrad@ads.com) once wrote a 'Bodily Functions Survey'
with questions covering nasal hygiene, vomiting, urination, defecation and
flatus expulsion. Send email with the header 'Marriage proposal' to
case@diku.dk.

   31. I have now read the a.t Kaka Sutra...Is there any way I can recognize
       fellow mainliners or teabaggers?

       Well, one is tempted to say that you will know the mainliners by their
brownish lipstick, but I take it that you thinking of a 'hanky code' of some
sort. To recap the North American Hanky Code: It requires two back pockets and a
coloured hanky. Putting the handkerchief in the left pocket indicates that you
want to be the active part, the right pocket that you want to be the recieving
part. The colour of the hanky then indicates the preferred activity: Red is anal
fisting, grey is bondage, black is heavy SM (whipping, burning etc.).
The hanky code is known among North American homosexuals and SM affectionados,
and I have regrettably no list of all the colours. There isn't really a similar
a.t code, but just recently I have started to have a teabag dangling out my left
backpocket, and maybe this will catch on.  Perhaps the next edition of the Kaka
Sutra will include 'the secret signs'.

|  10. Could anybody provide me with a small alt.tasteless
       phrase book/dictionary?

       This attempt is in no way complete, and aimed at people generally new to
the net. -And additionally not the least alfabetic:

AKA: Also known as
BTW: By the way
CASCADE: Netnews' public chain letter. Add a line and feel proud.
RTFM: Read the fucking manual. In alt.tasteless this will almost always be the
      alt.tasteless Kama Sutra (See Mailorder).
SO: Significant other, will generally mean your loved one.
FTP: File Transfer Protocol. The program that makes it possible for you to get
     stuff stored at other sites, be it printerdrivers or Debbie Gibson gif's.
     News.answers has a monthly posting about FTP'ing.
ARCHIE: A database. News.answers is, as usual, helpful with a monthly posting.
        Another way to find out more is to mail archie@nic.funet.fi with the
        Subject: 'help'.
WRT: With reference to
IMHO: In my hog-fucking opinion.
SIC: 'Yes, though hard to believe, this is, in fact, an exact quote'.
IRC: Inter Relay Conference, a program that lets you 'talk' to other users. Your
     site might have it, type 'irc' and see what happens. You will might stumble
     into tasteless discussions.
QUEEF: Pussy fart, vart, fanny fart.
BEARS:  Person, usually male, whose physical characteristics tend toward the
        husky and hirsute.
TWINK(IE): Generally, a cute young (male) thing (CYT).  Known as "golden,
           cream-filled, and ready to be eaten."  (Etymology:  In the US,
           Twinkies(tm) are snack cakes with these same properties.)
AMPALLANG: Piercing of the glans of the penis (the head). Runs horizontally
           above the urethra and has origins in Borneo.
APADRAVYA: Vertical piercing through the glans, or sometimes through the shaft
           of the penis just behind the glans. Mentioned in the original Kama
           Sutra.
DYDOE: Piercing through the ridge of the glans, usually done on the side of the
       head and often in pairs. This piercing was originally done by Jewish men
       who wished to enhance their sexual pleasure (which they thought had been
       diminished by circumcision).
FECO-STALAGMITE: Euphemism denoting the majestic molehill of shit found nesting
                 in the bowl of clogged toilets.
VOMIT-STALACTITE: aka Stalactovomite, the result of puking on the cieling.
FRENUM: Piercing through the skin of the penis, on the underside just behind the
        glans. Often a large ring that circles the penis under the ridge of the
        glans is worn through this piercing. This provides stimulation to both
        partners during intercourse and acts much like a cock ring.
PRINCE AlBERT: Piercing that consists of a ring which goes through the urethra
               and out behind the glans.
GUICHE: Piercing of the web of flesh that runs between the anus and the scrotum.
        A weight is often suspended from a guiche.
NAMBLA: North American Man Boy Love Association
MOTSS: Member of the same sex
HAFADA: Piercing on the side of the scrotal sac originally done by Arab boys
        as a rite of passage.
QUEEN KRISTINA: Piercing of the clitoris hood.


|THE MAILORDER LIST

   As it is now The Church of Divine Tastelessness can offer the following
standard tastelesss files:

RECYCLED JOKES FILE: Dead Baby Jokes, Mommy Mommy Jokes, Dahmer Jokes,
Necrophilia Jokes, about 100 QA jokes and vomit synonyms.
FREQUENTLY REQUESTED STORIES: The gerbil-and-meat grinder story, Scrotum Self
Repair. (both available by mail from case@diku.dk)

KAMA SUTRA -Tasteless Sex Acts (available by mail from bediger@isis.cs.du.edu)
Maybe this fine work will be posted whenever 10 kb has been added.

|OTHER DOCUMENTS WORTH A LOOK:
(all to be found in news.answers as monthly postings)

Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,news.answers
Subject: Welcome to talk.bizarre!  (Monthly Posting)
Summary:
    o Before posting, read the group for a couple of months.  Get to
      know who is posting and what kind of things are considered funny.

    o Ask yourself why you want to post.  Is it to impress us all with
      what a red-hot, hip individual you are?  If so, you may want to
      consider moving to another group.

|   o Remember that about 90% of the stuff on this group is
      crap, and if your article is not in the top 10% then it is
      probably crap as well.  If you are still convinced that the
      majority of readers on the group will enjoy your dry and subtle
      wit, then post.

Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
Subject: Answers to Frequently Asked Questions
Summary: Huuuge file with Index
Summary: Shit ==
Contentless "me too" postings (should have used email) [tell "me, too."
or "I agree."].
Posts with many lines of attribution and a single word or line added
agreeing or disagreeing. [like cascades]

|Cyclic discussions some times occur.
How is the "new user" supposed to come "Up to speed?"
Uninformed readers believe that new information is added in these
repeat discussion.  That is NOT the case, since by definition, that
kind of discussion would not be cyclic.

Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
Subject: A Primer on How to Work With the Usenet Community
Summary: of Things to Remember
       Never forget that the person on the other side is human
       Don't blame system admins for their users' behavior
       Be careful what you say about others
       Be brief
       Your postings reflect upon you; be proud of them
       Use descriptive titles
       Think about your audience
       Only post a message once
       Summarize what you are following up
|      Use mail, don't post a follow-up
       Read all follow-ups and don't repeat what has already been said
       Double-check follow-up newsgroups and distributions.
       Be careful about copyrights and licenses
       Cite appropriate references
       When summarizing, summarize
       Spelling flames considered harmful
       Don't overdo signatures
       Limit line length and avoid control characters

Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
Subject: Hints on writing style for Usenet
Summary:
 * Subject lines should be used very carefully.  How much time have you
   wasted reading articles with a misleading subject line?  The "Subject:"
   header line can be edited in all the various posting programs
   (as can the "Distribution:", "Newsgroups:" and "Followup-To:" header
   lines).

 * Remember - this is an international network.

 * Remember - your current or future employers may be reading your
   articles.  So might your spouse, neighbors, children, and others
   who will long-remember your gaffes.


Newsgroups: soc.motss,news.answers
Subject: soc.motss FAQ
Summary: 106. What will happen to me if I post in soc.motss?
    The answer is, in general, nothing.  (Lots of people of all orienta-
tions read and write to soc.motss, so strictly speaking you're not
coming out by posting.  Even so, some people will draw conclusions about
your sexual orientation from the fact that you post here.
    However-- Assume that any posting in net news is in the public
domain and could end **anywhere**:  the general media, a police file, a
Fundie's hate list, an entrepeneur's sales contact list, etc.  If you
can't stand by your posting, then don't post.

 Well then, end of FAQ, but as this is alt.tasteless and you have bothered to
read all the way, you are hereby rewarded with a good tasteless story:

|I have a male friend who saved the spunk from his own wankings by catching
it on a Cub Scout hat.  For those of us who weren't Cub Scouts in the USA,
this is a dark blue cloth hemisphere with a baseball cap brim.  It has gold
colored longitude stripes, and a gold button on the top.  It is impossible to
wear one without looking foolish.  Without further debate on the aesthetic
merit of unmodified Cub Scout hats, I will attempt to describe it after he
used it to catch spunk from hundreds of wanks.  It was stomach churning.
It appeared to be covered in a crust made up of wax trails dripped from
a candle made of snot.  It had a scattering of suet like snail trails.
Since it takes quite a long time to cover even a small hat with semen,
some of the older blobs of jizm were festering and growing some kind of mold.
The older cum trails were shot through with veins of blackish-blue fungus,
much like rancid bleu cheese.  The lining of the hat was apparently a popular
target, and it was filled with a mass of congealed cum with a cracking,
flakeing, dried-mud-like crust.  Virtually the entire hat was soaked in sex
gunk.  It was only sanitary to hold it by portions of the brim.  Flexing the
cloth of the cap caused the crust on the partially dried spunk to crack like
the crust on old mayonnaise, revealing partially dessicated cum-jelly inside.
                       -Bruce
