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H  ||   || ||  || ||==//  ||=||    >|<              >>> Presents <<<
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E  ||==//  \\==// ||   \\ ||==|| ||   ||         #011-RT03 -- [10/14/91]
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                               Irrelevant Prose
                 Volume 3: Dancing in the Field of Farmer Brown
                                -------------
                                by Random Tox

A Boy with Aides
----------------

     Leo was an ordinary kid until about a year ago, when he went to Texas to
visit his grandmother. He flew back unescorted on the plane. Now he has
aides.  Burdened by this horrible occurrence, Leo lost the normalcy so
precious to middle school kids, who feel a deep-seated need to "fit in." But
now Leo is the cause of controversy. Should a child with aides be allowed in
school?
     They dressed in slick Brooks Brothers suits, gleaming leather shoes
arching up to the wicked edge of the knifelike creases in their neatly
pressed pants.  Leo's aides discussed every event in great detail, never
shutting up and continually advising him on everything, keeping him awake at
night and shattering his concentration. Leo hates aides. Nobody likes aides,
except perhaps for the President of the United States, who is the world's
most prominent aides- beleaguered figure.
     Leo has tried to hide from his aides, or to disguise his affliction with
the old "Uncles from out of town" bit. But now it's public, and many parents
don't want their sons & daughters in the same classroom as an aides-afflicted
student. While evidence shows that although annoying and debilitating, aides
are not contagious and do not cause a distressing reversion to Republican
ideals as was previously thought, many people still view them as a dangerous
and potentially fatal malady which can be acquired through casual contact or
political discussions. Never mind the danger of attending Republican
caucuses.
     So for now, Leo must endure the criticism and prejudice of his peers and
neighbors. It wasn't his fault that the plane flight back to Ohio was shared
with several senators and their lackeys. What does matter is that aides can
be prevented. Don't fly Air-Sununu.

More Pasta to You
-----------------

     It was a dark and stormy night, and the cellar was inundated with water
to the point that the sump pump jammed and the walls were soaked past the
level of the fusebox. Dad was electrocuted when he stepped into a shallow
pool that had gathered on the fifth step to the basement, and fell down the
flight of stairs, drowning somewhere between the old green paisley sofa and
the washing machine. Mom was really upset, but at least it meant there was
more pasta to go around come suppertime.

The Toy Animal Diet
-------------------

     I remember the time when my sister, in yet another manic diet, decided
to lose weight by taking some sort of diet pill. The little red and white
capsules would expand into a jelly-like substance, filling up your intestines
and making you feel full. This was neither good enough nor fast enough for my
sister, and in savage desperation she turned to Kay-Bee toy store and
swallowed one of those gelatin capsules packed with a randomly selected,
colored foam zoo animal, the kind that grow to immense size and weight as
they absorb massive amounts of liquids. The doctor at the hospital presented
us with a huge purple sponge zebra on a surgical steel platter and my sister
healed in a few weeks, losing 45 pounds during her stay. The diet worked.

Petri Dishes
------------

     Virulent diseases are not fun. Don't play with them or tease them. If
you have a vial or Petri dish with nasty fungal growths or bacteria, do not
inhale sharply while in the vicinity. Don't even waft it gently in your
direction. Ha ha. This is not a joke. 
     FACT: Ingesting poisonous substances can have an adverse effect on your
body.
     Don't think, "Hey, it's just a microscopic growth of some sort, it can't
hurt me. Look how small it is." That's faulty logic. Think of Lego bricks.
They're small and you can play with them, but if you inhale or swallow it,
you become ill. Think of microbacteria as deadly Lego bricks.

A Post-Christmas Tale
---------------------

     It was eight days after another snowless Christmas, and the earth was
blanketed in a soft white icing of snow from the night before. Leo half ran,
half fell down the stairs in the massive, energy burning effort of being the
first person on the street to break the glistening crust of snow.
     Leo's snowsuit was unbelted, its dirty gray making him blend into the
outside, a shadow on the white smeared earth. He sprung from his doorstep,
arms flailing and hurled himself into the new snow, and began making a "snow
angel", as they were called, sliding his arms and legs every which way. He
then stopped and listened to the silence of the winter morning, his breath a
wisp of smoke in the crisp air. He had started to hum the song "White
Christmas" to himself when he was hit by a snowplow. 

______________________________________________________________________________
(C)1991 by The Durex Blender Corporation & Random Tox
All Rights Revered. Even yours.

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