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                         Underground eXperts United

                                 Presents...

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         [  Second Coming, Limited  ]                  [  By Freon  ]


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----------------------
Second Coming, Limited
----------------------

A silly, blasphemous ten-minute play about the never-ending struggle
between good and incompetence.


- Characters -

        JESUS   A young to middle-aged man with a stylish beard and
                the traditional halo, dressed in an expensive white
                suit.

        LESTER  Bald man in his forties.  He wears a fairly old-
                fashioned black suit with a watch on a chain and
                has a thick cigar.

        GROUP   A group of about five rich-looking businesspeople.
                The details of who's who in this group are not
                important.  They look strikingly forgettable.

        GOD     Obviously, having never seen this guy I can't really
                tell you what he looks like - but for the purposes
                of this play he's a light from above and a deep,
                loud, sinner-scaring voice.


- Scene 1 (the only scene) -

        JESUS and the GROUP are sitting around a table.  On the table
        are several glasses and jugs of water.  JESUS is at
        one end, and at the other end, slightly back from the table
        itself, is LESTER.  Behind LESTER is a whiteboard.  We
        get the impression at the start of this scene that this
        meeting has been going on for quite a while and we've dropped
        in close to a critical point...Everyone is looking
        expectantly at JESUS.  After a quiet pause of at least
        five seconds during which JESUS looks thoughtful but
        basically incredulous, he turns to one of the other people
        in the group nearby.

JESUS   (to the other member of the group) Could you pass me that water?

        LESTER looks impatient while JESUS is passed the water.
        JESUS pours himself a glass, which turns into wine as he
        does so*, and sips it a couple of times before he speaks
        again.

JESUS   (to LESTER)  So basically what you're saying is if we're
        going to all the trouble of having a second coming, you'd
        like to cash in -

LESTER  (interrupting) - for all of us to benefit -

JESUS   - you'd like to cash in on it.

LESTER  Well, if you insist, yes - it is cashing in.  But an opportunity
        like this won't come along for another couple of thousand years,
        most likely.

JESUS   Well, in the strictest confidence, it'll be longer than that,
        actually.

LESTER  So you see, there's no sense in letting this perfect opportunity
        go to waste!

        There is a pause, during which JESUS sips his wine.  He
        drinks it quite quickly, as if it was still water almost.
        He finishes the glass and refills it, already looking
        a little under the influence.

JESUS   Don't you think you're all being just a little silly?  This
        is the Second Coming; I'm Jesus Christ!  Surely the whole
        business of making money out of my visit just trivializes
        things?

LESTER  I don't really see a contradiction between whatever it is
        you want to do with the Second Coming and what we want to
        do with it.  You can still have your monumental events in
        the spiritual advancement of mankind, while we're pulling
        in a healthy profit.  What is it exactly you have planned
        for the Second Coming anyway?  Religious stuff?

JESUS   (smiling craftily and refilling his glass)  Ah - yes, you
        could say that.  What is it, exactly, that /you/ have planned?
        How are you going to make money out of it?

LESTER  Ah!  Well, we were hoping you could perform a few miracles
        for us -

JESUS   World peace, raising the dead and excessive faith healing
        are out of the question, I'm afraid.

LESTER  Nothing like that!  Water to wine, that kind of thing.
        Imagine what a bottle of Christ's Own Wine would fetch!
        We'd do it in small volume to save you time and keep the
        prices high, so it wouldn't hurt the - uh - conventional
        wine producers; it wouldn't hurt anyone.  If you could do
        some loaves and fishes and feeding the starving stuff,
        we'd be in the running for tax-exempt Charity status.

        JESUS looks interested now (and fairly drunk).

JESUS   Hmm.  Could you give me some specific examples of the kinds
        of Second Coming related services you'd be offering?  Just
        so I know where I fit in, you know.

LESTER  Well, as I say, Second Coming Wine; genuinely miraculous
        alcoholic beverages would sell fantastically.  You wouldn't
        have to do all the work, of course - we'd be producing
        Second Coming Wineglasses along with the other standard
        Second Coming memorabilia.  I've also mentioned feeding the
        starving a little; you don't have to do that if you don't
        want to, but it would probably save us a fortune in taxes.
        Apart from that, we could mobilise our people and resources
        worldwide to open up Wash Jesus' Feet franchises all
        over the place; all you'd have to do is sit there and the
        money would start rolling in.  Or Christ Forgives Franchises,
        where people come and drop in a donation and you just have
        to erase all their sins; no problem, eh?  A tour of churches?
        The Catholics'll eat you up.  You won't even have to do
        anything.

JESUS   Ah yes, the Catholics.  They have a bit of a reputation for
        that.

LESTER  (laughs)

JESUS   And - Lord forgive me for asking - but how much money do we
        each stand to make out of this deal?

LESTER  Are you kidding?  It's hard to name a figure - but if I did,
        it would be big.  Not big like a mountain is big, but big like
        the universe is big, you know?

JESUS   Actually, it's not that big.

LESTER  What?

JESUS   The universe.  Not that big.  But I think I see what you're
        saying.  The thing that bothers me is that - well, isn't
        it a little, I don't know, morally bankrupt?  Commercialising
        the Second Coming like that?

LESTER  Why should you feel bad?  They did it to your birthday.

JESUS   Hmm.  You have a point.  Pass me a little more of that
        water, would you?  Thanks.

        There is a pause while JESUS refills his glass with wine
        from the water jug.  His hands are a bit unsteady so this
        takes a while.

JESUS   But the Second Coming is important, you know?  And anyway,
        what's the point in all of this?

LESTER  All of what?

JESUS   Trying to make money?  I mean, you can't take it with you.

LESTER  Ah, well, no you can't - but I'm still young; I should have
        plenty of time on this Earth to make comfortable before I
        have to start thinking about leaving the material world
        behind, you know?  It's all very well to try not to be too
        materialistic, but I have a family that I'd like to provide
        for.

JESUS   Hmm.  Well, I've been keeping this under my hat so far, but -
        what if I was to tell you that - hmm - there might not be
        that much point in making money out of the Second Coming
        simply because of my reason for being here this time.

LESTER  I'm not sure I follow.

JESUS   Well, ah - how should I put this?  Well, I suppose there's
        not a lot of point sugar-coating this, so I'll just be blunt.
        We're pretty rapidly approaching Judgement Day, I'm afraid.
        That's what I'm here for, really.

        There is a stunned silence.

LESTER  So the world's going to end?

JESUS   Well, technically - well, I suppose to all intents and purposes,
        yes.

LESTER  What was that, technically?  Is there some way we can stop it?

JESUS   There's nothing you can do; I'm doing it for you!  Mere humans
        basically don't have to do anything apart from sitting back
        and waiting.  I say technically because there is some chance
        that the Devil will stop me saving mankind by leading me
        into temptation again.

LESTER  Again?

JESUS   (laughs nervously)  Yes, that's kind of embarassing actually.
        I think we actually wrote that one up as a victory.  Anyway,
        that's the deal I'm afraid.  There's no point in what you're
        proposing really since it's all pretty much over.

        Everyone at the table is confused; they sit looking at each
        other and muttering.  Eventually, everyone's attention is
        focussed on either JESUS or LESTER.  LESTER is looking
        thoughtful but, on the whole, amused.  JESUS is looking sort
        of apologetic.  Obviously, he's not the most popular person
        at the table at this point.  Revealing everyone's fast
        approaching doom is a bit of a mood killer.  LESTER sits
        down.

LESTER  (suddenly excited)  I have an idea!  This doesn't have to be
        a waste of time!

JESUS   What is it?

LESTER  Could you put off the whole Judgement Day thing by choice?

JESUS   Well, not personally - but I could speak to my Dad about it.
        Why do you ask?

LESTER  Well, I was just thinking; right now, if we do Judgement Day,
        we have a lot of unrepentant sinners, right?  (Jesus nods)
        What happens to them?

JESUS   Well, for want of a nicer way of putting it, they burn in
        hell for eternity.

LESTER  Aha!  As I suspected.  And most of these sinners are the rich
        and ambitious, are they not?

JESUS   You're not wrong.

LESTER  Well - what if we do what we planned to do - make a huge amount
        of money out of your visit?  We open all those franchises,
        you perform us some miracles - and boom!  The world's economy
        will collapse, and we'll all be set back a few hundred or
        thousand years.  Then you can give us another thousand
        years or so to become good Christians before you do the
        Judgement thing, and everybody's happy.

JESUS   Hmm.  What happens to all the money you make?

LESTER  Not important.  If we play our cards right, this will destroy
        Capitalism and the money we make won't be worth anything - but
        for a change we'll have made the world a better place through
        marketing.

JESUS   Ah yes!  I'm tempted...

        JESUS disappears in a puff of smoke.  There's a strange light
        from above; effectively, this is GOD's entrance.

GOD     Oh for heaven's sake.  You didn't last two weeks, boy.  Well,
        never mind, eh?  Back in another two thousand years.

        The light fades away and everyone around the table turns to
        LESTER in stunned silence.  LESTER is grinning.  He bows to
        the GROUP and walks towards the back of the stage, where
        flames** are dancing against the scenery.

LESTER  Another disaster averted...I suppose God'll write this one up
        as a point for himself anyway.  Well, never mind.  (he waves,
        but doesn't turn to look at the crowd; he just keeps walking,
        and continues:)  Goodbye, you're welcome.  And now, God owes
        me ten...

        LESTER walks offstage.


---
*       TURNING WATER TO WINE

        Obviously, not everyone can borrow the Messiah to play himself
        so if you're putting this on, just use some kind of colouring
        that you can slip into the water to turn it red.  Use your
        imagination; the audience has to get the idea that the water
        is turning into wine but really that just means it has to change
        colour.

**      FIRE IN THE BACKGROUND

        Obviously, not everyone's got hell itself backstage either
        so you'll probably have to fake it.  Obviously, just wave
        orange/red/yellow lights at the wall, which should look like
        a wall from a normal office (you know, the crufy partitions
        with grey carpet stapled to them).  Not only will this make
        it look like a real office, but the chances are, this is what
        hell looks like too (ask any interior designer).

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 uXu #601              Underground eXperts United 2002              uXu #601
                             http://www.uXu.org/
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