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*****NUMBERS 191 TO 195***********BY DANIEL BOWEN (tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)*****


"Xicto Ardcust"


TOXIC        ||| |||||| |||
    CUSTARD   || ||  ||  ||
WORKSHOP      || ||||||  ||  21ST MARCH 1994
    FILES     ||     ||  ||  WRITTEN BY DANIEL BOWEN . . . . . . . .

                    TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA - VOLUME 24

X
  And I thought Q was a bit short on words. I hope X is used a bit
  more in languages other than English, otherwise I would have to
  question its very existence. We can't afford to have little-used
  letters like X being subsidised by the other, more popular letters.
  I happen to know that some of the letters, the vowels in
  particular, are not happy with this situation.

XENOPHOBIA
  Fear or hatred of wogs, chinks, dagos, honkies, Yanks, spics, etc.

XMAS
  The abbreviation for Christmas that not only looks like it should
  be pronounced eczemas, it also gives the impression that Christ was
  crucified on a 45 degree angle. But then, if the abbreviation had
  been +mas then we would have had to pronounce it as "Crossmas".

X-RAY
  The medical practice of using big impressive machinery and
  radiation to take photos of bones. I suppose it's easier than
  peeling all the skin off, and a good deal less painful. The last
  time I was watching someone having an x-ray the technician turned
  round to me and said "please step back". She might as well have
  said "I'd start running now, if I were you. And don't look back if
  the sight of burning boiling mutated skin alarms you." Ha. And the
  suburb where that surgery is has declared itself Nuclear Free.

XYLOPHONE
  One of the only sensible, commonly used words starting with X. Also
  the name of the most boring musical instrument ever devised. It was
  actually first used by an evil German baron (Von Bastardberg)
  during the 17th century, as a way of putting his dinner guests to
  sleep before he robbed them of all possessions. He would then throw
  them out of one of those windows that adorn the big pointy towers
  on white castles that you see on jigsaw puzzles.
      Actually, jigsaw puzzles make great gifts. If you don't like
  the person you're giving it to, there are several strategies you
  can follow.
    - take out two pieces, then seal the box back up
    - exchange some or all the pieces with those of a different
    puzzle
    - buy a puzzle for which the design is a big caption that says
    "happy fucking birthday, hope you drop dead"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm holding, in my other hand(*), a box of twine. What strange stuff,
twine. It must come from a twine factory. I wonder how many people
work there. And what they say at parties when people ask them what
they do. "Oh well... I make twine. Yeah, you know how when you get
the packet, how one end of the twine ball is sticking out of the hole
in the top. I do that. I find the end and stick it out of the hole."
    I also notice on the box it says "open flap for instructions."
Well, thank God for that. I tell you what, I'd be lost without
instructions on how to use my twine. They'd have to open a 24 hour
Twine Line, for distressed users of twine. "Oh, you've got to help
me, I got my twine home, and I just can't think what I'm going to do
with it. I've tried everything - cooking with it, programming the VCR
with it, even sex. You've got to help me, please." But no, there are
instructions inside boxes of twine. It probably just says "tie
stuff".

    (*) the one I'm not typing with.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

TECHNOLOGY REPORT
    It's interesting to see how the storage of computer data has
increased in capacity as it has decreased in size. Some experts
believe that by the turn of the century you will be able to store the
entire knowledge of the world on a disc so small that it'll get lost
down the back of the sofa.
    Some predictions also indicate the development of a range of
clothing that self-destructs within ten seconds of going out of
fashion. The clothing industry will also be revolutionised by a
coat-hanger that actually finds and hangs up all the clothes screwed
up in a heap on the bed by itself.
    Shopping will be easier when supermarkets introduce cash
registers that automatically work out how much you've been
overcharged and which items to give you for free.
    Following research that indicates the average person spends seven
years of their life trying to decide what CD to listen to, hi-fi
manufacturers are expected any day now to release a CD player that
decides for you.
    New standards in consumer electronics will result in products
that actually break down before you've left the shop with them,
saving time later. And a new generation of mobile phones and pagers
will run after you if you forget to take them with you.
    And finally, travel will be made less stressful with many
innovations designed with the airline passenger in mind. A hand-held
device that will fit into your wallet will tell you what city your
luggage is in. The luggage itself will be fitted with computer
simulated faces and voices so it can look guilty as it goes through
customs shouting "nothing to declare!" for you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toxic Custard has gone and ended itself
for another week, but would like it to
be known to all its readers that they
can get their mitts on loads and loads
and loads and loads of TCWF back-issues.
They're all available by ftp. For
details, just email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Atlas Project------| The above has come from my brain,
NTC, Telecom Australia, Melbourne| and certainly not from Telecom's.
dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au---| Telecom doesn't have any opinions
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu--| as wild as this, anyway. Or if it
                                   does, it's not saying.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Yipee! Toxic Custard!"


\\\\////  //////  ||    ||  ||\\\\\    TOXIC
   ||    ||       ||    ||  ||         CUSTARD
   ||    ||       || /\ ||  ||\\\\     WORKSHOP      No. 192, 28/3/94
   ||     \\\\\\  ||//\\||  ||         FILES          by Daniel Bowen

                    TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA - VOLUME 25

YACHT
  Word that looks like it should be pronounced 'yatched', especially
  designed that way to confuse people learning English. Actually
  'yacht' is descriptive of one of those big boatie things with sails
  that you see in the bay, which are probably great fun, apart from
  all the hard work trying to keep the thing from sailing into rocks.

YAP
  The kind of bark produced by a small dog that will try to either
  bite your toes off or hump your leg if you don't get it first with
  a chainsaw.
    
YEAR
  Something that sounds at first like an awfully long time, but goes
  past faster than anyone realises. Maybe there's something about
  leap years that I'm missing here, but if the Earth takes about
  365.25 days to go around the sun... then why aren't our clocks out
  by 6 hours more every year?
      (Yes, I did work it out 20 seconds after I wrote it, but oh
  well. If I'd wanted to get into long debates about physics and
  interstellar timezones then I'd have gone to that science-fiction
  convention. Now, if you ask me, any organised gathering of
  science-fiction fans should be a perfectly honourable target for
  terrorist groups. The idea of paying $100 to spend a weekend in a
  hotel with thousands of Spock quoters and Dalek impersonators makes
  it clear to me why these things always seem to feature "CON" in the
  title.
      "Welcome to COMPLETECON. Our guest of most honour and
  dedication, who we will be subjecting to long queues of
  minor-celebrity autograph hunters will be... umm.. Whatsisname!
  Yeah, that guy who used to be in Doctor Who. You know, the one that
  got sacked. We've forgotten his name for the moment, but we're sure
  you all say it in mantras as you go to sleep. And if we can't get
  him, we'll get that Cyberpunk dude."
      Now, if it were a Red Dwarf star, that would be a different
  matter...)

YETI
  Mysterious creature of the Himalayas, also known as the Abominable
  Snowman. The Yeti, along with the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot,
  Elvis, those guys who made the weird stone faces, and everyone who
  ever disappeared into the Bermuda Triangle, are all somewhere
  enjoying a coffee, and laughing at every one of us.

YOUTH
  Description of young people used by social workers, journalists and
  other misfits of society. Usually found between the words "rampant"
  and "unemployment". These three words together, typically in
  40-point Times New Roman, are often found just above a discussion
  on the break-up of urban society, the evils of the recession, and
  the ambivalence of the authorities. Naturally, most of us sigh,
  turn the page without reading it, and find out about the latest
  cute little otter born that has mauled the zookeeper's nose off.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It's time now to stand up and admit my guilt. I think have a hatred
of cactuses. Not many people can claim to have killed a cactus. By
giving it too much water. It wasn't on purpose, it was just one of
those things. But tonight I almost struck again. And as the cactus
that I knocked off the bookshelf (while trying to choose a CD) fell
through space, I thought "Oh no, not again". I've tried meetings of
Cactus Haters Anonymous, and discussions with the RSPCC, but to no
avail. It's their spikes. They scare me. I have nightmares about
accidentally bear-hugging a cactus in the desert. Which would be a
prick of a thing to happen, really.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

THING         PART 1
====================

RON:    Bloody hell.

JEFF:   What?

RON:    A got a bloody council fine for not voting. But I did!

JEFF:   No you didn't.

RON:    I did! I went down to the town hall...

JEFF:   Yeah, and when you got there, you nutted one of the
candidates who was giving you a leaflet, shouted "sod democracy", and
went home.

RON:    Ah, but I did show up. This says "fined for non-attendance".

JEFF:   I don't think when they wrote the law that they specifically
had in mind people who turn up but instead of voting, put candidates
in hospital.

RON:    Bastards. Another fifty dollars down the tube.

JEFF:   Well I told you you shouldn't have kept your money in the
S-bend. I know you already lost most of it in Pyramid, and I know you
consider yourself to be a plumbing connoisseur, but the S-bend isn't
the place for money - especially notes.

RON:    So what is it the place for then?

JEFF:   Well, turds, basically.

RON:    Okay. Turds in the S-bend... money... where?

JEFF:   How about the bank?

RON:    No way. Too many bank robberies.

JEFF:   I think you'll find that robbers don't take your money
personally. When your average bank raid occurs, the masked gunmen
don't burst into the bank waving shotguns and shouting "hand over
Ron's money or we'll blow your heads off".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, on that uncharacteristic E-flat,
we'll say goodbye for another week of
Toxic Custard. And I'd just like to
add: "Bugger off and do something
useful." Like get TCWF back-issues.
Available now by ftp. Get details by
sending mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Atlas Project------| Telecom's
NTC, Telecom Australia, Melbourne| respons-        Worlds
dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au---| ibilities       apart           My
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu--|                           opinions

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Toxic Cust... zzzzzzzz"


Toxic           :::::   ::::::::::::   :::::::::       5th April 1994
Custard          ||||  ||||      ||||        ||||          written by
Workshop         ||||   ||||||||||||     |||||||         Daniel Bowen
Files            ####          ####          ####
                 ####         ####    ##########

                    TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA - VOLUME 26

ZANTHOXYLUM
  Same as Xanthoxylum. The word most often saved for a triple word
  score in Scrabble. (C'mon guys, couldn't you find a sensible way of
  spelling it?!)

ZERO
  Nothing. Zilch. Having no measurable size, amount. Normally used to
  describe intelligence, probability, bank balances, luck, investment
  funds, chance, laughs in this paragraph, etc.

ZIGZAG
  Descriptive of a straight line as drawn by someone who is either
  extremely intoxicated, has absolutely no coordination, is racked by
  indecision about direction, or any combination of the three.
      Any zigzag line drawn under the above conditions will in all
  probability involve more zigging than zagging (or vice versa), and
  in the case of intoxication, there is quite likely to be zogging,
  zugging and zegging involved.
  
ZEBRA
  A horse with stripes added. Now available in five different
  colours, and with optional spots. Zebras are now almost extinct,
  most of their number having been skinned to make pedestrian
  crossings. Just remember that the next time you cross the street,
  or play 'Abbey Road', you heartless bastards. Actually, I think if
  zebras had been spotted instead of striped, zebra crossings would
  be much more distinctive. Perhaps it's not too late to try leopard
  crossings.

ZIP
  Object placed in clothing, designed to get stuck at the most
  inconvenient and/or embarrassing times. When placed in men's
  trousers, the humble zip can be lethal, or at least very painful.
  I'm sure I don't need to explain why, but let's just say it makes
  most men wince almost as much as the word "Bobbit". Take care,
  chaps.

ZODIAC
  Twelve symbols based on constellations that someone probably saw
  through a very dodgy telescope, as they ain't up there now. The
  Zodiac has become the foundation for the income of astrologers, who
  fall into the Useless Portion of the Population, defined by Toxic
  Custard to include chain letter senders, ballet instructors, opera
  singers and arts students. Note that religious leaders are not
  included in this list -- they're good to laugh at.

ZOO
  Generally a large location where a number of animals are kept,
  often against their will. Designers of fenceless zoos need to be
  very careful when estimating the width and depth of the trenches
  against how far some of the more enthusiastic animals with sharp
  teeth can jump. A miscalculation could result in long searches for
  bits of zoo visitors inside various animals' stomachs.
      Security at zoos should always be a priority. Last year at
  Melbourne Zoo, five hooligans broke into the zoo at night and
  taught some of the gorillas how to do the long jump. Then the four
  of them showed the tigers how to climb out of their cages, and the
  one that was left was found feeding arms to the killer whales.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

THING         PART 2
====================

RON:    No, it's not going in the bank - I don't intend to take any
risks with my money.

JEFF:   I don't know what all the fuss is about anyway. You've only
got ten dollars left.

RON:    That's as may be. But I worked hard for that ten dollars. I
toiled. I slaved. I

JEFF:   found it in the street.

RON:    Oh yeah well, yes, I found it in the street. But it wasn't
just by luck you know.

JEFF:   No, it was also because you were faster than the guy in the
wheelchair who was coming back to get it after he realised he'd
dropped it.

RON:    Just remember this. Life is a survival of the fittest. And
those who are stronger, faster, more agile... not in wheelchairs...
Hey, how did you know that anyway?

JEFF:   I was watching from across the street. Along with five little
old ladies and a passing cop.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

WHEN ADVERTISERS DREAM... Somewhere in the outer-reaches of space
there is a planet where everything is just like here. Except that
everything the advertising people hype and rave about is just as good
as they say. Consumer heaven. Where nothing breaks down, where
everything is the best it could be, and where you'd never expect to
pay as little as that. Where everything comes with a bonus offer and
is interest-free try-before-you-buy fully-refundable no deposit
lay-by guaranteed lowest special price. And only the consumer groups
are angry. Because there's nothing for them to do. A place where 'The
Investigators' are shunned. Where no-one reads 'Choice', and
reporters on 'A Current Affair' knock on each others doors and chase
each other down their own streets because they're so bored. And where
everybody's so busy shopping they don't have time to use the products
they buy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That brings us to the end of another
of those pesky Toxic Custard Workshop
Files. If you're the sort of self-
centred git who would just love to
find out about Toxic Custard back-
issues, then email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Atlas Project------| Telecom is not responsible
NTC, Telecom Australia, Melbourne| for the drivel that has
dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au---| poured out of my brain
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu--| over the last 128 lines.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Appended Toxic Custard"


TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES   **   *****   **   **   11TH APRIL 1994
TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES   **  **   **  **   **   11TH APRIL 1994
TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES   **   ******  *******   11TH APRIL 1994
TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES   **       **       **   11TH APRIL 1994
                              **       **         **
                    TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA - VOLUME 27
          A FEW OBSCURE ABBREVIATIONS, SAINTS, AND THE OTHER
               MISCELLANEOUS STUFF YOU FIND AT THE BACK

ABBREVIATIONS
  ABC  - Association of Budget Culture
  ALA  - Australian League of Alcoholics
  FFF  - Fascist Fuckwits Federation
  IRCA - Incredulous Ripped-off Consumer Association
  RSWL - Returned Servicemans' Warmongers League
  SHS  - Society of Hamster Strangling
  srt  - small round thing (mechanical term)
  SUB  - Society of Utter Bastards
  TAS  - Thick As Shit (teaching term, descriptive of students and
          education ministers)
  UPF  - Unidentified Program Fuck-up (computing term, when you know
          there's something wrong, but have absolutely no idea where)
  vlds - very long drum solo (musical term)

OBSCURE IMPERIAL MEASUREMENTS
  DISTANCE
    43 miles = 1 goosefart
    7 inches = 1 wanger
    1/2 inch = 1 tadger
  VOLUME
    73 pints = 1 sloshedbloke
  FREQUENCY
    65000 hertz = a lot

SAINTS
  HIBBERT THE BUILDER (1823-1860)
    St Hibbert made it into Sainthood City by building some of the
    most impressive cathedrals of the 19th century. Unfortunately it
    was realised later that many had structural defects, and by 1910,
    they had all collapsed of their own accord. Hibbert himself died
    when his house collapsed on him during a light breeze.
  OSBORNE THE WEIRD (1621-1664)
    St Osborne could be seen running around the streets of Naples
    wearing nothing more than a tea cosy. Which is a pretty good
    reason for being known as weird. He would often be heard
    squawking, saying what he claimed were the prayers that bears
    uttered, and smoking a strange weed-like substance. Which are
    several more reasons for being known as weird.
  RALPH THE PERVERT (1214-1261)
    St Ralph was best known for his dubious pursuits involving furry
    animals, something that was, and still is denied by the church.
    In 1253 he formed the Society of Hamster Strangling, which became
    an underground organisation soon afterwards, and whose members
    still occupy parts of Brussels.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I went on a nostalgia trip today... dragged the old 8-bit computer
out of the cupboard and played a few Donkey Kong variants. Found an
old magazine in a box extolling the virtues of owning an Atari 2600.
Ah, those were the days... the graphics were shit, the sound was
shit, the gameplay was... hmmm... but boy, was it fun.
    I can just imagine showing one of those things to today's
Nintendo super Sega Megadrive generation. And watching their facial
expressions saying "what the hell is this?!"
    Yes, I confess, I was once envious of friends who had Pong. I do
remember how to put an Apple ][ into graphics mode. And I have a Beeb
that still works. You know, despite the seventies revival, I haven't
spotted anyone playing Break-out lately. But elsewhere in the computer
industry, the seventies never really went away. Look at all the poor
sods still programming in COBOL. They probably think it's an example
of "when you're onto a good thing, stick to it". Problem is... it
isn't. Which is why in Uni we knew it was Crappy Old Bloody 'Orrible
Language.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

My Silly Putty has escaped from the egg it came in. The best thing
about Silly Putty, as well as Blutack, isn't the way it bounces
and/or sticks things on walls. It's the way you can flatten it out,
roll it back up into a cylinder, blow air into it, close it up, and
press it down, to the sound of a resounding satisfying "pop"...
again... and again, and again. It's a bit like bubble-wrap for
repetitive popping sound fascination value.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Don't you love it when you see someone trying to be tough while
blatantly doing something wrong, and they know it's wrong, and you
know it's wrong, and you pluck up courage and tell them to stop, and
they just sort of go all quiet... and stop doing it... and look like
they'll cry if you threaten to tell their mothers.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Everything has its place. And if it's something small, you'll always
put it back in its place so the next person who wants to use it can
find it easily. It gets like a routine. You use it, you bung it back
in that green pot thing on the window sill. Until one day, you use it
and something in your brain rebels and says "no, I'm not going to put
it back there, I'll leave it XXXXXX". And you only realise that this
strange event has occurred the next time someone wants to use it.
Where the hell is it? Who knows. It's not in the usual place. It
could be anywhere...
    So, where are the torch, the trunk keys, the spare key to the
bicycle lock, and the Silly Putty? I don't know. But I've contacted
the police, and they're putting together an identikit picture, so if
you think you've seen them, please call the Lost Household Objects
Hotline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes. It's true. Toxic Custard is over
for another week. And there isn't
anything that anyone can do about it.
Not even me. If you've enjoyed this
Toxic Custard, you might enjoy dipping
your toes into a bucket full of hot
wax. Then again, you might not. Either
way, how would you like Toxic Custard
back-issues? For information on this
and other wastes of everybody's time,
email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Atlas Project------| Telecom is not in any way even
NTC, Telecom Australia, Melbourne| the teeniest bit responsible
dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au---| for the crap I choose to exhibit
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu--| in the email I send.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Plummeting Toxic Custard"


195195195  195195 195     195 195195195
   195    195     195     195 195       Tozic Cussard Wokkshop Files
   195    195     195 195 195 195195    Nummer 195, 17th Apriil 1994
   195    195      195195195  195       Writtten by Daniel Bowen
   195     195195   195195    195

Since I don't fly very much(*)... I wonder if it's possible to earn
infrequent flyer points. "Yes that's right, if you fly with us less
than twice in twenty years, you could win a bonus bucket of spit."

(*) Okay I admit it, I've never flown. Never, okay? I've found that
in my life so far, I have had no wish to entrust myself to a large
metal object which looks like it couldn't get off the ground in an
anti-gravity field. If man had been meant to fly, God wouldn't have
given us running shoes. Christie Brinkley IS lucky to be alive, but
then, it wouldn't have happened if she'd taken the chairlift like
everyone else. "Oh no, fuck that, I'm a superstar, I'll to fly up in
a helicopter". Hope she got a good view of the scenery as she
plummeted towards the ground.
    That would be a good name for an airway, wouldn't it. "Come fly
PLUMMET, your ticket to the world's sights, sounds, and OH SHIT,
WE'RE GONNA CRASH! We don't mind if you vomit into the sick bags. It
gives us something to feed the passengers on the next flight."
    And the things I've heard about luggage. I have a friend who came
back from holiday and his bags were more tanned than he was. "So
where did you go? Uh huh? And your luggage? Oh yeah, I hear it's nice
this time of year. And you flew Plummet, did you? We flew with them
last year. Yeah, interesting in-flight catering. The food wasn't much
good, but the staff were very friendly. The steward couldn't stop
laughing, actually."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Some kids just love to scream. And they all seem to have mastered
that very high screeeech that goes right through your brain. But
there must come a point when little kids have grown enough so that
they don't cry and scream anymore - and they see other kids
screaming. And you can just see the thought going through their
mind... "what the hell's *he* on about? Why all the noise? Damn
kids." Generally it's all about the lack of some kind of ice-cream.
Which brings me to another subject.
    I think one of the basic principles of life is: "When 500 or more
are gathered here in my name, a Mr Whippy van will appear". How do
they do that? You're telling me they scour the city's streets waiting
for crowds to appear? Not quite. Actually, they're all controlled
from a Mr Whippy chopper, with on-board Whippy Van Despatch System.
From the way they all spell their names slightly differently, Mr
Whippy vans appear to be owned and operated by independent
businesses, but actually they're all part of the Whippy International
Corporation of Kansas. Another example of the spread of franchises.
Franchises for some restaurant chains are becoming so popular that
McDonald's standard customer question is now "Would you like a
franchise with that?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

THING         PART 3
====================

JEFF:   God I hate weekends. Nothing on the telly. Just sport.

(He switches channels.)

JEFF:   Sport.

(He switches channels again.)

JEFF:   Sport. Why is there so much bloody sport on weekends? Why
don't they cater for the average man in the street who gets home from
the street during the weekends and wants to watch... I dunno, daytime
soapies or something.

RON:    That's why God invented VCRs.

JEFF:   So why the hell didn't He give us one then?

(The phone rings. Jeff answers it, very bored-sounding.)

JEFF:   'ullo.... yeah.... yeah.... yeah.... nope.... yeah...

(Jeff holds his hand over the mouthpiece as he addresses Ron.)

JEFF:   Bloody Mormons have taken to phoning people up now. Probably
got sick of punctures. (Back to phone). So why didn't He give us a
VCR then?

(Long pause as he listens to response.)

JEFF:   Nah, not interested, bye.

(Jeff hangs up abruptly.)

RON:    They should go back to their own country, those Mormons.

JEFF:   What?

RON:    They're from Mormonia, aren't they? They should stop telling
other people to go there, and go there themselves.

JEFF:   Even if they were, which I don't think they are, the Mormons
are not a group of travel agents. When they come round and knock on
the door, which is what they do when they're not phoning people up,
they're not actually extolling the virtues of an stop-over in
beautiful Mormonia. They actually want to take all your money and
give you over to the glory of God.

RON:    Well, they're not getting my ten bucks. Anyway, the thing
about religion is... how do you tell which is the right one?

JEFF:   Well, the Jeff School Of Thought says look for the religious
group who haven't been subject to persecution, flood, fire,
pestilence, famine, burglary, etc. 'Cos if you can find people who
have managed to avoid all that, it's probable that God is on their
side.

RON:    So the Christians are out?

JEFF:   Oh yeah. I think if God was looking favourably at Christians,
he wouldn't have aimed that tornado at the church in Texas.

RON:    So who's left...?

JEFF:   Well, until yesterday I thought it might be the little
practised religion of "Ohm Bah Zork". That denomination actually only
has one follower.

RON:    So what happened?

JEFF:   Someone nicked his video.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You probably can't believe you bothered
to read this drivel, and to be honest,
neither can I. However, if you brain has
reasoned that you want to read more of
it, then it will be happy to hear/see/
sense that back-issues are available by
ftp. Just email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for
details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Atlas Project------| I just work at Telecom. They're
NTC, Telecom Australia, Melbourne| not responsible for what I say
dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au---| or think. And vice versa. Nice
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu--| little arrangement, that.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia

Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed
without profit provided this notice remains intact.

For subscription information, contact tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
