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   ooooo   ooooo  .oooooo.  oooooooooooo       HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #564
   `888'   `888' d8P'  `Y8b `888'     `8
    888     888 888      888 888              "The New Adventures of..."
    888ooooo888 888      888 888oooo8
    888     888 888      888 888    "                 by Nybar
    888     888 `88b    d88' 888       o              4/11/99
   o888o   o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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 Whoopi Goldberg: "Nybar lived a very full life, artistically, and as an
                   ass-pirate at all of New York's shiek night clubs.  He
                   never, ever compromised his vision.  Who can forget "When
                   Will My Burrito Be Done?", a true pensive masterpiece.
                   Actually, there is one black mark on his career, "When
                   Will My Burrito Be Done 2: This Time, I'm REALLY Fucking
                   Hungry".

        A monitor begins playing a clip from the infamous "When Will My
 Burrito Be Done?":

        Contemplative agony.  I watch the numbers go by.  2:00, 1:59, 1:48
 1:25... such a sad old feeling.  The hunger gnaws at me.  Finally, I hear
 it.  The clarion call of redemption.  The beep.  I open the microwave.  I
 pick up the burrito.  I take a bite.  And suddenly... my world explodes...
 into PAIN!!!  IT'S TOO FUCKING HOT!! 

        The clip stops.

 Whoopi: "Obviously, the evocativeness of this kind of scene can't be
          replicated by a sell out working for a major studio, which is
          what Nybar became when he worked for Mogel, the evil founder of
          the h0e empire, which even now is churning out crap like this.

        A monitor begins playing a clip from "When Will My Burrito Be
 Done 2: This time, I'm REALLY Fucking Hungry".

        A rainy night.  A dark, forboding castle.  Some... uh, creepy music.
 A clap of thunder, which reveals Nybar, standing over an operating table
 with a burrito on it.  Attached to the burrito, are all kinds of
 electrodes.  A lil' hunchbacked version of Jubjub stands by.

  Nybar: "Jubjub... when the lightning strikes... I can finally rid myself
          of this hunger!  Why, oh why, did I smoke that bowl?"
 Jubjub: "I await your word, Nybar!"
  Nybar: "But, my word is your command, right, Jubjub?"
 Jubjub: "Correct"
  Nybar: "So, why not just say 'I await your command'... it was clearly
          called for, why leave it to doubt?"
 Jubjub: "I didn't NEED to say it.  That's how tight we are... in the mad
          scientist/hunchback relationship... in the master/slave S&M
          relationship, even as goat/horse in the fantasy world barnyard
          horniness relationship (www.nybarsgoats.com)."
  Nybar: "Jubjub... I love you, man!" 
 Jubjub: "There's no time for that now... our work is nearly at hand!  We
          have GRAND PLANS for this burrito!"

        Jubjub gestures at the burrito, which sits pensive.  Nybar blinks.

  Nybar: "Yeah. I'm going to eat it.  Last time I burned my fucking tongue,
          but this time.... ohhh this time..." *thunder CLAPS*

         "... JUBJUB! NOW!"

        Jubjub pulls the lever... and the Burrito is completely burnt to a
 crisp.

  Nybar: "Fuck.  Let's just eat some dorritos."

        The Clip stops.

 Whoopi: "Yes, many thought that Nybar, as an artist, was going down the
          sell out route with the advent of this P.O.S.  But after that, he
          came back, stronger then ever, with his film noir, "The Death of
          a Mogel".

        A clip of "The Death of a Mogel" plays:

        Nybar and Mogel are sitting on a porch in a quaint midwestern
 setting, in rocking chairs, drinking lemonade.

 Nybar: "Mogel, would you like some more lemonade?" 
 Mogel: "Why yes, Nybar.  That would be delightful!"
 Nybar: "Ok, here you go!" 

        Nybar pours Mogel a glass of Lemonade.  Mogel drinks it.

 Mogel: "Uh, Nybar... I think there's something wrong with this lemonade."
 Nybar: "Why yes, Mogel.  That makes sense.  Since it is really my pee-pee."
 Mogel: "Why, Nybar, that is not very nice... hrmm... and now my eyes seem
         to be melting out."
 Nybar: "Why yes, Mogel, that is because my pee-pee is very toxic, after
         drinking lots of prussic acid."
 Mogel: "But why doesn't it affect you?"
 Nybar: "Because it's *MY* pee-pee!"

        Mogel dies.

 Nybar: "Well. Wellwellwellwellwellwellwell."

        Nybar takes a sip of lemonade.

 Nybar: "You know, Mmogel ..."

        Mogel's quickly dessicating head looks at Nybar.

 Nybar: "Oh yeah, you're dead."

        (Meanwhile, inside Nybar's brain:

 Nybar's brain: "You realize, Nybar, that you could be arrested
                 for murder."
 Nybar: "But it was *MY* peepee!" 
 Nybar's Brain: "Sorry, the peepee exemption was struck from the books
                 after the Niggaz v Honkies case, 1943 (Johnson)."
 Nybar: "Well, shit. What do you want me to do...?"
 Nybar's Brain: "AHHHHHHHHH%Tyt221" 

        <Nybar's brain dies.>

        In the real world:

        Nybar is drinking a can of spray-paint.

 Nybar: "Hrmm, now what can I do withsh dish here bodyily oddily?
         Oh, I know!!!"

        Nybar uses his penis to slice through Mogel's body's neck, and then
 flushes the head down the toilet.

 Nybar: "There!  With the 'Sliced Head Off Body With Penis Then Flushed
         Head Down Toilet' exemption, I'm in the clear (Remember the
         Transvestite vs Lesbian case of 1962 -Stan)."

        The Clip Ends.

 Whoopi: "See?  Pure brilliance.  In all of this, it could be said that
          Nybar was really... an enigma.  He never really was close to
          anybody, but he was a master of Filmaking.  A film maker is a man
          that needs to get by on the power of his wisdom of B-movies, and
          his ability to suck the penises of studio executives.  When that
          deserts him, he has nothing.  Nothing, but memories.  And dreams.

          <Whoopi pauses.>

        "Cya later all!  Coming up next on Fox-5 is 'When Mayonnaise is
        Left Out 4: The Midwestern Fandango'".

  Nybar: "Hey wait! I'm not dead!"
 Whoopi: "Ok, we'll cut that part out of the rerun.."

        Elvis shoots the TV. 

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 [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!     HOE #564 - WRITTEN BY: NYBAR - 4/11/99 ]
