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                     >> "Are You Calling Me A Liar?" <<
                              by -> Trilobyte

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 From: tril@dto.net
 To: ???@???.???
 Date: Tue, 26 Aug 1997 16:54:33 -0600
 X-Mailer: YAM 1.3.4 - Amiga Mailer by Marcel Beck
 Subject: my mother

 i have come armed with a complete example of why my mother is so stupid.

 school starts tomorrow.  she wants me to go out and get supplies today.  my
 sunbird is in the shop.  my buick is missing the rear window, thereby having
 a large hole in the roof.  she is gone with her car, my father is gone with
 his car.  that leaves a scooter/moped and my bicycle.  i decide that i will
 go out in the buick to get school supplies.  when i walk outside, i see that
 it is completely overcast and there are a few low-hanging dark clouds.  i,
 being the aged and wise person that i have grown to be, decided that it
 looked as if it were about to rain.

 my mother comes home.

 "did you do _anything_ you were supposed to?"

 i told her that i shaved.  i was also supposed to call the barber for an
 appointment, possibly for today, but decided that i had too many things to
 do today, so i didn't call him.  she was not happy about this, and argued
 that i could fit it in.  i said it wasn't important, then she asked later if
 she should call and make an appointment.

 "sure.  but not for thursday, i'm working then."
 "thursday?!  i'm talking about today!!" 
 "i told you i didn't want an appointment for today."
 "you never get anything done.  bla bla bla bla."  <slams door>

 so.  anyway.  i then say that i didn't go out and get supplies because it
 looked as if it was going to rain.  she gets very angry.

 "WELL.  YOU must have been looking THIS MORNING because the sky is perfectly
 clear and the sun is shining bright.  you have NO excuse to have not gone
 out and gotten school supplies."
 "my buick has no rear window.  if it were to rain --"
 "if it was going to rain, you wouldn't get that wet.  and if you're so
 concerned about it, why don't you just walk or take your scooter?"

 <i don't even touch the stupidity of this fucking comment.>

 i walk upstairs to look outside.  it is still completely overcast with
 little, low-hanging, dark-gray clouds looming.

 "oh yeah, mom, it's completely sun-shiny and happy.  look at this.  it's
 completely overcast.  WHY would you LIE about that?"

 <my mother HATES being called a liar.>

 "ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?"
 "you just completely lied about something pointless to try and prove your
 non-existant point!"
 "LISTEN HERE.  YOU NEVER EVER CALL ME A LIAR EVER AGAIN.  I AM _NOT_ A LIAR.
 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD EVEN SAY SUCH A THING."

 <she continues to mumble and moan and groan as i avoid her and go
 downstairs.  she will, for the next 10 minutes, open the basement door, yell
 something inane and stupid at me, and then SLAM the door really hard.  this
 will happen 4 or 5 times within the following 10 minute period.  then she
 will come downstairs, sit on the stairs, and with a syrupy-sweet voice, say
 something else to try to get my goat, and then act like she was just asking
 very nicely.  i play along with this argument for a while, and then ignore
 her, because she's doing this for herself.  she needs to do this.  i'm only
 here as a prop.  that's why i gave her a lego-man one time.  i told her to
 take out all of her frustration on him, not me.  it didn't work.  he just
 sits on top of the microwave doing nothing all the time.  lucky stiff.>

 i bought one of those Tyco Lego-phones at the salvation army yesterday.
 it's rad.  i always wanted one when i was a kid.  well, sort of.  i always
 preferred cordless phones, so no matter how cool a phone was, if it wasn't
 cordless, i considered it to be useless.

 hey hey.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
   * (c) HoE publications.  HoE #142 -- written by Trilobyte -- 12/9/97 *
