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    issue 113     < >       < >               < >               "whee!"
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               >> "who the fuck is this jesus christ guy?" <<
                             by -> creep

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	It seems like it was millennia ago.. oh wait, it was millennia
ago.  I was a high powered young corporate executive, president of Heaven,
which pretty much meant I was in charge except for the big guy (Mr. gOD) 
who was c.e.o.  I was pretty much his right hand man.  We got along pretty
well most of the time, except for the occasional spat about certain
executive decisions, like who should be promoted to angel or who needed to
be fired (in other words, cast out).  He was an overly fair guy, sometimes
too fair.  He wanted to give everybody as much leniency as possible, and
he was very forgiving.  I, on the other hand, was much more strict.  I put
a lot of pressure on people, I felt I should crack down, make them do
their work the way they should.  And quite often did I fire people who
needed to be, slackers who wouldn't do their job like they were supposed
to.  That set an example for the others. 

	gOD was essentially a nice guy, but don't piss him off, he might
shove a lightning bolt up your ass or set your house on fire, or hell
knows (no pun intended) what else.  Being the #1 guy, the big cheese, the
head honcho, that meant there was nobody to reprimand him for anything he
did, so he had this nasty habit of taking what he wanted, when he wanted
it.  Which included the young lady of which this tale revolves around, the
young virgin Mary. 

	Mary was a cute young girl, only 17 and never been laid yet (how
she avoided those terrible brute soldiers I don't know).  One day, gOD
happened to be peering down over his earthly kingdom when he noticed young
Mary walking home from her studies (she went to some Jew school, forgot
the name).  While walking down the trail, she suddenly stopped and looked
around.  After checking to make sure nobody was around, she hopped into
the bushes, well out of sight from any passersby that might come down the
trail.  Once hidden, Mary laid down on the ground and hiked her dress up
to her waist.  She stuck her finger in her mouth and sucked on it
seductively for a minute, then slid her hand down between her ample
breasts and down her stomach.  Her breaths drew faster as she moved her
hand between her legs and slid it underneith the wasteline of her panties. 
Her slender fingers slowly caressed her outer labia, then spread them
apart with her pointer and ring fingers, while her middle finger gently
massaged her throbbing clit.  With her free hand, Mary grabbed a stick and
put it in her mouth to bite on to keep her from screaming out loud where
anyone walking down the trail might hear her.  She then took her other
hand and ran it underneith her leg so she could finger fuck herself while
she massaged and rubber her clit.  Mary moaned slightly from the
incredible ecstasy she brought herself.  After 10 minutes she finally
came, thrashing and kicking in the dirt, all the while trying not to make
a single sound. 

	gOD watched in awe from his throne up above.  Never before had he
witnessed such activity.  In a way he was outraged at such filth, that his
children could do such obscene things while they thought nobody was
watching.  He sat in his throne, angered, pondering what to do.  As he
switched hands to support his chin while he pondered, his other hand came
to rest on his lap.  He then noticed his incredible erection (and boy do I
mean incredible.  I mean, he IS gOD after all) and cursed himself for
letting such obscenity arouse him so.  But he couldn't help it.  He looked
down again and saw that still nobody was around.  Mary was just picking
herself up and brushing off the dirt from her back.  Suddenly in front of
her, in a blinding flash of light, gOD appeared before her.  She knew
right away why he was there, and dropped to her knees and begged for
forgiveness. 

        "oh dear gOD, please forgive me!  I have sinned!" she babbled.

        "oh shut the fuck up.." gOD retorted as he unzipped the fly on his
enormous golden loin cloth. 

        "but..but.. what are you doing?" she inquired in between sobs,

        "just shut up and suck it, bitch.." he commanded. 

	Still on her knees, she crawled over to him, and proceeded to take
the length of his mighty shaft into her mouth.  Impatiently, he grabbed
her by the hair and rammed his titanic cock down her throat.  She choked
and gagged for a bit, then loosened her esophogus and straightened out her
neck to make it fit.  He withdrew and thrust his monstrous phallus down
her throat once again.  He repeated this several times then pulled out and
threw her down on the ground, ripped her panties off and mounted her.  He
mercilessly impaled her tight young virginal cunt on his cock, nearly
splitting her open.  He fucked her violently for 20 minutes until he
ejaculated his mighty load (seemed like gallons, the shit was coming out
of her ears and oozing from her bloody swollen cunt hole).  Satisfied, he
stood up and wiped his tool off with her hair.  He looked up and saw two
villagers standing there, watching in disbelief.  He looked them straight
in the eye and raised his hand, and they both became emersed in red light
and suddenly vanished, not a trace of them left.  He turned back around
and looked down at the sobbing girl.  He merely grinned and ascended back
to his kingdom above.  Mary picked up her things and ran home, crying. 

	Little to his knowledge, he had impregnated her.  A few months
afterward, her stomach bulged out slightly.  One day I decided to take a
trip down to earth and scope out the action down there.  I had made myself
invisible, so the humans wouldn't all freak out and bow down and all that
stupid shit.  After a few hours of spying on the mortals, I grew bored and
decided to take a leisurely walk down the trail.  Once I was out of sight,
I made myself visible again and continued my stroll.  As I was walking
down the trail, I saw a young girl walking back towards the village.  I
ducked behind a tree and watched her.  She paused for a moment at one
particular spot, staring down at the ground and began to cry.  I just
stood there, staring at her, when I accidentally lost my balance and fell
down.  She saw me and began screaming.  I ran up to her and smacked her
across the face and commanded her to be silent. 

        "No please, not again! please!"

        "SHUT UP!"

	She silenced herself and just sat there, waiting for me to do
whatever she expected me to do.  From my point of view, I could see right
down the top of her dress.  Quite the cleavage there was.  I also noticed
the way she was sitting, I could see most of her leg, right up her thigh. 
Almost instantly I became erect.  For a half pregnant girl, she was very
attractive.  I couldn't resist the temptation, and I forced her up onto
her knees and bent her over, then moved around behind her and unzipped my
fly.  I dropped to my knees and lifted her skirt up and felt all over her
beautiful soft round ass.  Without hesitation I pulled her panties off and
thrust my own enormous cock into her soft wet cunt.  She screamed in pain
(I later learned at the Heaven Bar that my cock was bigger than the big
guy's, but I'll tell you about that later).  I ran the entire length of my
shaft into her cunt, shattering the barely developed fetus within her
womb.  I fucked her hard and fast for a good 45 minutes (I also have more
stamina).  I shot my enormous load deep inside her and withdrew, my cock
covered in blood and cum and fetal debris.  I picked her up and forced the
bitch to lick it clean, then smacked her in the face and returned to
heaven.  Later on I paid her a second visit and this time I impregnated
her again. 

	That same day upon my second visit to young mary, gOD and a
servant angel were going through the log books, checking the past few
months' events.  Somewhere during the reading, gOD fell back in his chair
and groaned miserably when he had read that a young girl named Mary was
pregnant, and the father was not to be found.  Depressed, he went to the
Heaven Bar later that night to drown his sorrows.  I walked in grinning
ear to ear about my activities of that day and took a seat right next to
gOD. 

        "Hey gOD, whats shakin?"

        "Oh the worst fucking thing happened to me?"

        "Whats that?"

        "You don't want to know.  What did you do today?"

        "Nothing much.. just took a little visit down to earth."

        "Oh really?  how'd it go?"

        "It was fun :)"

        "Glad somebody enjoyed themselves today"

        "Ah, relax man, have a few.  on me."

        "What do you mean, 'on you'?  I own everything and you're an
         executive.  We fucking drink for free."

         "oh yeah. well.  you know what I mean."

	45 minutes and a dozen shots later, gOD and I had a great time at
the bar in our drunken stupor.  'Welcome to the Jungle' by Guns-N-Roses
came on the jukebox and gOD started dancing (he can't dance worth shit
btw).  We all laughed and had a merry old time.  When he was done making
an ass of his heavenly self, he came back to where we were sitting and
asked me what I did on my trip to earth today.  Being drunk as shit, I
obliged unwittingly. 

        "Oh man, I took a walk and ran into this young chick.  She was
         half pregnant, but man oh man was she hot.  Pair of legs that
         run all the way up to her neck, and a set of titties.. WHOO!"

        "did you say half-pregnant?"

        "Yeah.. she was still hot tho.. I think her name was Mary or
         something."

	Instantly his face turned green and he ran out of the bar, puked
for a while then went back up to his office on the top cloud.  I went back
to my lush house on the vista cloud and passed out.  I came in late to
work the next morning, hung over as shit.  My secretary told me that gOD
was waiting to see me in his office.  I walked down the big hallway to his
big office where he sat in his big chair behind his big desk chewing on
aspirin and drinking a big cup of coffee. 

        "You wanted to see me?"

        "Yeah.. that chick you raped yesterday?"

        "Umm yeah, what about her?" I feigned inconcern.

        "I already raped her."

        "you WHAT?!"

        "Yeah.. and I got her pregnant."

        "You mean that was your...?"

        "Yep."

        "Oh shit."

        "You're FUCKING RIGHT 'OH SHIT'!@#  YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE?"

        "Hey RELAX dammit, how the fuck was I supposed to know."

        "THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY BETTER YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

        "HEY FUCK YOU ALRIGHT, ITS NOT MY FAULT"

        "NO FUCK YOU, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE, YOU'RE FIRED!"

        "I'M WHAT?  YOU'RE FIRING ME?"

        "YEAH, I AM.. NOW GET THE FUCK OUT!"

        "Fine.. fuck you then.. you know there are shitloads of other
         gODS in other universes that would jump to hire me at much
         better positions for a LOT bigger salary."

         "I don't give a shit, not like you do anything anyway.  You won't
          be any trouble to replace, you know how many other angels would
          jump to fill in your spot and do a much better job at half the
          salary?"

         "Kiss my ass, I'm outta here."

         "Yeah fuck you too.. you little shit."

	And so I was cast out of Heaven.  I still had a good rapport with
the angels that were grateful to me for making them do their job so well
and took pride in what they had accomplished.  So I took 1/3rd of the
angels of heaven with me and formed my own kingdom down below earth.  We
ditched the silly white uniforms with wings and got some spiffy red and
black ones.  Meanwhile the other 2/3rd of the angels remained above (I
took all the hard working ones with me, left all the slackers..thats why
Heaven went to shit and took earth with it..snicker).  Meanwhile gOD made
a few visits down to earth, this time visible and bullshitted the people
about Mary's baby and claimed it to be his still.  He gave them some
lame-o story about how his "holy son" was to be the savior and that he
would give his life for their sins.  Mary was of Mexican descent, so she
decided to name him Jesus.  Little Jesus grew up to make a terrible living
at being a carpenter. 

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   * (c) HoE publications.  HoE #113 -- written by creep -- 6/11/97 *
