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                           CareDog Meets PeeBear
                          Appreciated by Snarfblat

This is a transcription of a strip in Bob's Favorite Comics No. 1.  


                           CareDog meets PeeBear
                         a SubGenius bedtime story
                     by Palmer Vreedeez and Ivan Stang

Once upon a time!

Care Dog was strolling along on a nice, bright, happy, sunny Summer's day.

Sweet-hearted fellow that he was, he enjoyed the beautiful singing of the
birds and the comforting buzz of the bees.

He was on the road through Sweet-wood Forest, with Care-A-Lot town far behind
him when...

Peebear - "AAAWOOOOO!!"

Caredog - "?"

Peebear - "<whine.  snarf. chomp.>"  "<C-CRUNCH!>"

CareDog - "Pee Bear! You shouldn't be picking ticks off your fanny and eating
them!"

PeeBear - "<SNURK!>" "Go fuck yourself ragged with a big red dick with BIG
RED STRAPS!"

"These fucking shit ticks are driving me crazy!"

CareDog - "B-but Pee Bear!  Those ticks are all covered with your poo-poo!
They could be carrying a terrible disease! why, you might die from eating
them!

PeeBear - " Me and everything else in this forest is half dead already, you
stupid sap!  Look around you, Care Dog!"

"This whole forest is dying, the humans of Realworld Land did it, and there
isn't a Jesus-fucking thing anybody's gonna do about it.  You and all your
precious fellow Cute-A-Lots, and me, and everything else that lives in this
forest, we're all going to die."

"Nothing can stop the living hell on earth that's coming - not all the
rainbows and hearts and flowers and unicorns, and oh-so-pretty, tickless,
little, baby-faced, simpering, liberal, goody-two-shoes TV stars like you, in
the Universe!"

"These festering mutated ticks on my anus - they're but the barest glimpse of
the suffering in store for you!  Yes, even you, Care Dog!"

"Your "Loving God" is about to abandon you, and your world - and mine! - to a
fate unimagined in your most unspeakable nightmares."

"And for what?  For nothing!"

"So don't give me your sappy, sweetie-pie CRAP, you sickening, pathetic
eunuch of a cutesy-putesy pile of shit!!!"

"Now leave me alone and let me deal with this horrible itching in peace! - if
there is such a thing as peace in this fucked world."

CareDog - <cries>

PeeBear - "Oh, I'm sorry Care Dog. Can you forgive me? I've just been in such
a bad mood lately, what with all these ticks and vermin eating away at my
poor asshole."

CareDog - "You.. you really mean it, Pee Bear?"

PeeBear - "Sure, care Dog.  In fact, why don't you come closer?  There's a
present I'd like to give you."

CareDog - "A present for me?"

Care Dog didn't notice that his friend had extended his huge, diseased bear
penis from its furry sheath, its tip glistening with a drop of anticipatory
"gleet," its base writhing with fleas.

CareDog - "Say, do you smell something dead, Pee Bear?"

PeeBear - "We're a long way from Care-A-Lot Town, Care Dog."

CareDog awoke some time later in great pain...

CareDog - "Owww.  this rain hurts."

"What PeeBear said was true.  It is I who was the liar.  My life was a lie."

"My death will be a blessing."

The next morning...

Guy in van - "There's another one.  Pull over."

"Don't worry, boy, everything's going to be alright now."

"<Christ, what a job.>"

"It's almost ten; the van's full; What say we head back? I'm buyin'."

Other guy in van - "Sounds good to me."

Care Dog and his friends were taken to realworld land...

and delivered into a vast room filled with metal cages of screaming animals
as far as little Care Dog could see.

He was locked in a filthy, cramped cell and, even though he was very hungry
and sick, ignored for a few days.

After a week, most of the animals were taken away to a dark chamber and
asphyxiated slowly with poisonous gas. The humans only laughed all the louder
as the helpless creatures panicked and died.

Care Dog alone was spared.  He was sent to a laboratory of a giant snackfoods
firm, where men in white suits vivisected him alive over a period of
months... 

Various types of pseudo stimulants, fat substitutes and artificial flavors
were pumped into his veins...

They tested strange, new chemicals on Care Dog's raw, exposed organs...

His eyes were burned out with washes of pleasantly scented perfumes...

As the humans took him slowly apart, piece by piece, he was attached to
machines that kept him alive...

                             Finally, when his
                               poor body was
                               too broken and
                                mutilated to
                                  continue
                              functioning even
                                 with  the
                                 machines,
                                      
                                 he died...


Then the humans used a special, brand-new machine which kept his brain alive
indefinitely, perhaps even forever...

It was hailed as a tremendous medical breakthrough, but Care Dog didn't know
he was famous - 

For he could neither hear nor see nor smell nor feel, but could only hurt.

And they all lived happily ever after.

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