
              ______       __       __  __          ______
             / __  /      /  \      \ \ \ \        / _\/_ \
            / /_/ /andom / /\ \ccess \ \_\ \umor  | |____| |
           / _  _/      / ____ \      \  __ \     \__ \____/
          / / \ \      / /    \ \      \ \ \ \     |_\____|
         /_/   \_\    /_/      \_\      \_\ \_\     |____|
         --------------------------------------------------
                   The Electronic Humor Magazine
         --------------------------------------------------
              Version  1    Release  3     April 1994
  
                        Editor: Dave Bealer

            Member of the Digital Publishing Association

           Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved

                 Printed on 100% recycled electrons

          Random Access Humor is an irregular production of:

                     VaporWare Communications
                       32768 Infinite Loop
                  Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2
                 USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way


WARNING!  WARNING!  WARNING!  WARNING!  WARNING!  WARNING!  WARNING! 
The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically 
earmarked, spindled and polygraphed.  Anyone who attempts to copy
this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher
will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director,
Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari.


TABLE OF INCONTINENCE:
About Vaporware Communications.....................................01
Editorial - Online Chat: For the Birds?............................01
Lettuce to the Editor..............................................02
The Incredible Shrinking Data Center...............................03
April Fools in Cyberspace..........................................05
In Search of Ancient Comedians.....................................05
If Computer Nerds Controlled Network Programming...................07
Roadkill on the Information Highway................................08
The Q&A Man from PC-Computing Goes Insane..........................09
1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey.............................11
Humor/Comedy Favorites of the RAH Writers..........................14
In Memory of John Candy............................................15
The Twit Filter: The Retroactive Architect.........................15
The RAH Humor Review: More Python Alumni Tapes.....................16
Announcements......................................................17
Bumper Stickers Seen on the Information Superhighway...............17
Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1
RAH Distribution System...........................................A-3

Random Access Humor             Page  1                  April 1994

About Vaporware Communications

VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare
Corporation, a public corporation.  Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR
VaporWare Corporate Officers:

                        Luther Lecks
              President, Chief Egomaniac Officer

Dorian Debacle, M.B.A.              Gabriel Escargot 
V.P., Operations                    V.P., Customer Service

Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance)        Carlos Goebbels
V.P., Finance                       V.P., Political Correctness

Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A.,
               Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al.
V.P., Research & Development
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Editorial - Online Chat: For the Birds?
by Dave Bealer

I'm hardly the most efficient person in the world.  Greg Borek has
commented that most RAH readers would flip if they saw the stunningly
messy conditions under which RAH is produced and distributed.  The
utter chaos that reigns in my little loft office (and, indeed, the
rest of my home) serves to cancel out any innate sense of efficiency
I might possess.  The fact that I'm a natural born slob doesn't help
matters. 

Despite all this, there are a few things even I consider too time-
wasting and inefficient.  Online chat is one of them.  Don't get me
wrong, I don't object to anyone engaging in online chat so long as
I'm not expected to participate.

I've never been a big conversationalist on the telephone, either.  I
don't have a problem using the telephone, which is good since it's
tough to live in modern society without using the silly things.  But
I've always preferred talking to a person face to face or engaging in
written communication.  OTOH, when you need to talk to someone who is
hundreds or thousands of miles away, using the telephone is much more
efficient that travelling to where the other person is located.

What's the difference between hardcopy or e-mail communication and
online chat, you may ask?  The difference is that with the first two,
I'm not forced to sit at my computer watching my correspondent type
the message.  Many people fail to realize that watching someone write
is about the most boring activity in the world.  No matter how vivid
or exciting the end product will be, observing the actual writing
process is tedium personified.

Random Access Humor             Page  2                  April 1994

Another bonus with online chat is that I've often made a long
distance call to dial into the system where the chat is taking place.
Thus I get to fill up the idle seconds when the other person is
writing a thoughtful reply to worry about how large my phone bill will
be next month.  (Did I mention that I'm a *cheap* slob?)

These factors may help explain why I turned off the "page sysop"
function on my BBS over a year ago.  They also serve to explain why I
never answer pages from other users on systems I call.  When the
sysop breaks in for a chat, there's little I can do about it short of
hanging up.  Since even I'm not usually that rude, I simply beg out
of the conversation as quickly as possible.

So if you ever see me logged on a BBS or online system don't page me.
If you do page me and there is no response, please don't take it
personally.  I don't do online chat.
                            - - -
It recently came to my attention that there's at least one person in
Palmetto, Florida with *way* too much time on his hands.  Wayne
Downing uploaded a couple of RAH-related programs he wrote.  

TAGS.EXE contains all the taglines published in RAH from 09/92 thru
03/94 and will display a randomly selected group of them on request.
The user gets to determine how many taglines will be displayed.  The
only drawback is that you have to enter the desired number of
taglines in response to a prompt - there's no way to supply the
number as a command-line parameter.  This limits the usefulness of
the program in a batch file environment.

INDEX.EXE contains an index of all RAH articles from 09/92 thru
03/94 (a promised future version have a self-expanding index).  If
you place the ASCII text edition of all the RAH issues in the same
directory with INDEX, the program will allow you to read the articles
as well.  

Both programs are available for download/file request from The
Puffin's Nest BBS (1:261/1129) in file area RAH.  Filename:
WDUTIL10.ZIP.  These programs require MS-DOS.  This goes to prove
that at least some of you out there take RAH much more seriously than
I do.                                                           {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Lettuce to the Editor

Dear Deranged Editor:

I'm afraid I will be unable to read your fine publication for a
while.  I am going on a long trip to Haiti.  You may wonder why I'm
going there on such short notice.

I'm off to the abode of my parental units.  My dad's IDE controller
bought the farm, and I heard them performing voodoo rights over the
embalmed carcass of the tower case.

Random Access Humor             Page  3                  April 1994

I need to go over there and fix it before they try stuffing chicken
feathers into the floppy drives or pouring goats' blood into the
power supply.  God only knows what they would do if it had been a
boot sector virus instead!  Still, if they bury it before I get
there, I'm afraid it might be beyond repair even if the coffin is
air-tight. 

Wish me luck!

Sincerely,
A Faithful Reader
- - - - - - - -
Dear Faithful Reader,

It sounds like your parental units should get a hobby, like consuming
mass quantities of fried chicken embryos.

A Deranged Editor
- - - - - - - - - - - -
We want to hear from our readers!  Get the same kind of respectful
answers to YOUR questions.  Send your e-mail to:
      Internet>  lettuce@rah.clark.net
      FidoNet>   Lettuce at 1:261/1129
You can also ask your questions in one (or both) of our two new RAH
reader conferences.  Internet users can subscribe to our RAHUSER
mailing list (send e-mail to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net for instructions)
and FidoNet users can ask their sysops to obtain the new RAHUSER echo
from the RAH Publication BBS (1:261/1129).
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Incredible Shrinking Data Center
by Dave Bealer

Just three decades ago monsters ruled the data center.  No, not the
managers, although many of them had certain monstrous properties. 
This was the era of the mainframes, near the end of the Big Iron Age.
A single computer filled a good sized room, and programs ran one at a
time, which was good enough for everyone.

A decade later the giant mainframe was still king, although this
Jurassic Iron was being challenged by upstarts with the wimpy title
of "mini-computer."  Since even the name was non-threatening, the
mainframe mavens ignored the minis.  Properly written programs could
execute simultaneously, which increased throughput, while poorly
written programs would crash the system.  A small price to pay for
progress. 

Just over 10 years ago the tiny personal computer (PC) escaped the
grasp of the hobbyists and invaded the sanctity of the corporate
computing environment.  A laughable new toy, the personal computer
would obviously never be a threat.  There wasn't even a good COBOL
compiler available for the PC, so how could it ever hope to run
"serious" applications?

Random Access Humor             Page  4                  April 1994

Once it became apparent, even to the least observant EDP types, that
people really *were* using PCs to do serious work, the real question
became how to exert complete control over their use.  End users could
never be trusted with an important decision such as how to use the
company's precious computing resources.  Only highly trained (and
paid) data processing professionals were qualified to decide these
things.

The last decade has brought some amazing size reductions in the
"foot print" of computer hardware.  Mainframes are now little larger
than the mini-computers of old.  Mini-computers themselves have been
largely squeezed out by competition from super-powered PCs and
workstations.  Portable computers are now available that place all
the power of a mighty desktop machine in the palm of your hand.

Despite these "advances," all is not lost for the professionals.
Nearly everyone wants to use data that only exists on another PC.
The logical solution is to "network" all the PCs in a department/
company together.  Local Area Networks (LANs) allow this data
sharing, but introduce many of the same complexities that made
mainframes so difficult to master.  As the needs of the flock change,
so too do the mysteries guarded by the high-tech priests of EDP.

In the old days there was a terminal on every desk connected to a
multi-million dollar mainframe.  Today the custom is to have a modest
"workstation" PC on every desk connected to a large, well equipped,
$10,000 "server" PC.  Much of the overall processing power is distri-
buted to the individual desktop.  Users remain happy as long as all
the game software they bring from home runs on their "work"station.
Even more money is saved by the fact that most network servers fit in
a closet, rather than requiring an large air-conditioned room with
raised flooring.

Many empty raised-flooring computer rooms are being converted into 
drafty office space and miniature golf courses (no joke - this author
once helped design and build such a course).  Even worse, computers
no longer need a desk to call home.  Engineers can compute critical
product specs on a laptop while wolfing down styro-burgers at their
favorite fast food joint.  Accountants can embezzle funds from the
privacy of their own cars using cellular modems.  The next generation
of Cray super computers will fit in a backpack, finally allowing
scientists this same kind of mobility.

One major benefit of all this downsizing is the reduced energy needs
of a closet-sized computer center as opposed to a city-block sized
center.  Some of these savings will be lost to the fact that every-
body, including the janitor, will soon have their own Pentium-
equipped PC.  Also a problem are misguided folks who leave the PC
turned on 24 hours a day in an effort to keep the hard disk from
wearing out.  They ignore the fact that the average new 528 MB hard
disk will be outgrown and replaced with a 16GB drive long before it
wears out.  This is called planned obsolescence through increasingly
bloated software.                                               {RAH}
--------------
Random Access Humor             Page  5                  April 1994

Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who
works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the
largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast.  He shares a waterfront
townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he
writes and electronically publishes RAH.    FidoNet> 1:261/1129
Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net
---------------------------------------------------------------------
April Fools in Cyberspace
by Greg Borek

Cyberspace.

The fiber frontier.

These are the logons of the starcrossed wubblies.

{Ed. note: April Fool!  Greg didn't turn in an article this
month like he promised.  Vinnie has been dispatched to fire
a couple of warning shots into his head.  We expect better
compliance in the future.}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
In Search of Ancient Comedians
by Erich von Daniken  (a.k.a. Robert Hankins)

On an island in the South Pacific known as Easter Island, the
remnants of the first civilization are the giant gods carved in rock
and stone.  Strolling among these huge pagan objects, one can only
think of a race long dead and so totally separated from us by time,
it is though they never existed.  But if these so-called "giant god
formations" are viewed from the air, they take on a new meaning.  One
of the gods, it appears, has slipped on a banana peel, and the other
gods seem to be laughing at him.  Shortly before his death, comedian
Stan Laurel was interviewed by Richard Perkins.  When asked about the
famous "banana routine" of Laurel and Hardy which inspired director
David Lean and countless others, Laurel said he had once seen it
happen to a milkman in York, then nervously tried to change the
subject.  When Perkins pressured him about it, Laurel said, "I can
neither deny nor confirm the routine's origin as being that of the
rock formations on Easter Island, but I understand it is a very old
joke."  He needn't have said more, the answer was crystal clear.
What is not clear is how the pagans of Easter Island could have
conceived of such a sophisticated "bit" during their time.  Could it
be they were given such knowledge by ancient visitors from the
heavens, who not only possessed physical knowledge of space travel
but also a keen sense of humor?

In the year 312, shortly before their victory at the Battle of
Milvian Bridge, Constantine The Great's troops were camping one
night.  Late into the evening a stranger approached and began to tell
the men a fantastic tale about a nomadic seller of wares who was
without lodging.  The nomad found refuge with a local peasant who
told him, "We've no guest room, so you can sleep in my daughter's bed
--- but be warned, you must resist her charms lest you will surely
die."  When the morning came, the nomad informed the peasant that he

Random Access Humor             Page  6                  April 1994

gave in to temptation and had his way with the girl.  As a penance,
he granted the peasant his belongings, including all of his wares and
both of his oxen.  When the nomad was gone, the daughter emerged from
her room.  "How'd we do this time?" she asked.  The peasant replied,
"Well, if we sell only the oxen, I figure we won't need jobs for the
next fifteen years!"  Constantine's army went into an uproar, and
there was much rejoicing and mirth.  They invited the stranger to
partake of food and drink with them, and he continued his fabulous
stories, such as the fable about the fat man who sat "around the
house."  Constantine was so impressed that he asked the stranger to
join them and become their master story-teller.  "I cannot," he
replied.  "My work here is done.  Now I must travel due west to see a
man about a goat."  And with that he vanished into the night.

Even the skeptical have to give a nod to the cave drawings at
Altamira, Spain.  There on the underground walls, our Cro-Magnon
ancestors rendered images of herds of bison, mammoths, and evidence
of early practical jokes.  In one famous scene, one man is bending to
sit in a chair when it is pulled out from under him by a second man.
The first man then retaliates by throwing a pie at the second man,
but the second man ducks and the pie hits a third man, not the
intended victim.  Another scene shows a man tying a sleeping man's 
shoe laces together.  When matches came along the shoe lace bit was
dropped entirely in favor of the more popular "hot-foot".  Of course,
we can only interpret these drawings, which are at best, primitive
stick figures.  One controversial scene in the Lascaux cave in France
shows two men who are apparently shaking hands.  We think that either
the man on the right is asking the man on the left to "pull his
finger", or that the man on the left is the victim of one of the
first crudely built "joy-buzzers" of the time: a primitive rubber
band with a sharp thorn tied around it, easily concealed in a
prankster's palm.  Sometimes these ancient joy buzzers could be
lethal when the stinger of an asp was used in place of an ordinary
thorn.  This may be how Cleopatra died.   

Wiltshire, England is the home of Stonehenge, which scientists have
traced back to 1845 B.C.  It took hundreds of workers to arrange
these huge stones which can barely be lifted by the most modern
equipment --- all to create what many believe to be a giant celestial
calendar.  Considering all of its splendor it is still rather
primitive: if you needed to remember an important dinner party or
mark your grandmother's birthday, you couldn't just check it off or
draw a circle around the number like we can on today's calendars.  In
1948 Henry Childs compiled all available information on Stonehenge,
then fed it into the giant LUMMOX computer in Riverside, Iowa.  After
deciphering the statistics for eighty three hours and seventeen
minutes, the machine spit out a single card with holes punched in it.
It read "Take my spouse, I implore you!" followed by a rim-shot.
                                                                {RAH}
--------------
Robert Hankins lives in Lake Charles, LA.  No other information about
him is available, as he's in the Federal Witless Protection Program.

Random Access Humor             Page  7                  April 1994

If Computer Nerds Controlled Network Programming
by Robert S. Coats
  
Gilligan's Island:
  
The Professor finds some rare binary coconuts that can be used to
upgrade the ROM in his bamboo clone modem to support X.25.  After
hours of effort, he manages to establish a connection via his papaya-
based VT 100 terminal and satellite uplink with Telenet, but falls
asleep from exhaustion.  Gilligan walks up and types "+++" then "ATH"
and drops the line. The Skipper beans him with a rock and finally
loses it, his seafaring years catch up with him and he starts making
lewd remarks about playing Leisure Suit Larry IV with Mary Ann.
Meanwhile, Mr. Howell finally figures out how to work the ISDN set
that was accidentally dropped by a passing JAL jet and has a heart
attack when he hears via Dow Jones News Retrieval that the stock 
market has soared above 3000 points.  Ginger calls CompuServe and
emails some software developers in an effort to convince them that
she should would be a good model for MacStripPoker 2.0.  Eventually,
all connectivity on the island is lost, when Gilligan discovers an
actor in a bad gorilla costume has shorted pins 2&3 on the serial
cable, and everybody on the island has just been echoing characters
to each other.
  
Beverly Hillbillies

Miss Jane tries to convince Mr. Drysdale to network all the PCs in
the bank, but, typically, he won't spend the money.  Frustrated, Miss
Jane pleads with Jed Clampett to persuade Mr. Drysdale to "put in the 
LAN," but Jed thinks she said "put in the ham."  Jed then gets Granny
to cook up a dozen hams and has Jethro and Ellie Mae bring them to
the bank.  When they arrive, everybody is out to lunch, so Jethro
begins to distribute the hams, but is frustrated when he can't get
the coaxial cable to stay attached to the ham bone.  To further
complicate matters, Ellie May has brought along her pet goats, which
begin to eat the ham and cable, causing the the VAX to short out and
force an emergency electronic fund transfer of the Clampett millions
to a competitive bank.  As Mr. Drysdale is seen chasing Miss Jane
down the hall with a crazed look in his eye, swinging a ham at her,
Jed is heard to remark, "Weee- doggie!  Why look at that Granny.  Mr.
Drysdale is so happy about whut we done, he's gonna give Miss Jane
her own ham!"
  
The Brady Bunch
  
Peter uses Qmodem to dial into the high school computer and, through
hacking tricks picked up from a local "adults only" BBS, is able to
access individual student's "permanent records." He scans through the
listings, then, using a clever keyboard macro, alters his completed
courses such that he won't be required to take English Lit again.
Unfortunately, Jan is working in the school office at the time and is
alerted to the invasion by a diligent anti-viral TSR.  She is then
tormented with having to decide to do the "right thing" or be loyal

Random Access Humor             Page  8                  April 1994

to her brother.  Jan goes home and talks to Alice, who says she
should analyze all the factors and then decide after using the new
artificial intelligence software Mr. Brady has recently installed on
his '386 laptop.  Jan tries to use the program, but instead
accidentally deletes all the files in the Harvard Graphics directory,
leaving Mr. Brady to blow a presentation the next day.  Mrs. Brady
finds out via Jan what happened, and forces Peter to write "I will
not hack into the school computer" 5000 times with EDLIN while the
rest of the family eats angel food cake on the patio.
  
The Mary Tyler Moore Show
  
Mr. Grant tells Mary to come up with some hard facts about all the
activity out in Silicon Valley.  Mary grabs her Macintosh Powerbook
and jumps on a plane west.  Unfortunately, she leaves the Mac
switched on and, due to an undiscovered bug in the latest release of
System and Finder, the hard disk continually optimizes itself when no
keyboard input is recorded for more than five minutes.  Needless to
say, she has a dead Mac when arriving and spends the next few hours
trying to find a replacement.  Meanwhile, Ted begins his broadcast
and notes that "We expected to have some good information about
Silicon Valley for this broadcast, but somebody had to take a Mac and
not a reliable laptop PC!"  Frantic, Mary calls long distance over
crystalline fiber optic lines to get help from Rhoda, who doesn't
answer the phone because she is playing Bomber and has the headphones
on.  However, Phyllis's snotty daughter is around and answers.  She
listens to Mary whine, then hangs up the phone.  Mary is last seen
violently flinging the Mac out a speeding taxi window while crossing
the Bay Bridge.                                                 {RAH}
--------------
Robert S. Coats lives in Alpharetta, GA.  He's a silly person, a fact
confirmed by his being a user of The Puffin's Nest BBS, and by his
writing.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Roadkill on the Information Highway
by Ray Koziel

It seems like wherever you turn lately one of the key topics is the
information highway.  Even this fine publication focused on the
information highway in the March issue's editorial section.  In light
of all this I find myself with a case of "information highway
overload" and looking for the nearest rest stop.  Now don't get me
wrong; I'm not saying that this is a bad thing.  On the contrary, I
feel the evolution of our current networks, such as Internet, into a
more unified, standardized "infostructure" is vital for our country's
future.  What does bother me are certain issues that exist but are,
in my opinion, hidden by all the hype and hoopla. 

The first of these is the fact that this is being called a "highway."
I don't know about anybody else, but when I think of highways I think
of traffic jams, idiotic drivers, tolls, and some other items which
do not convey positive images.  Also, highways make me think of our
current infrastructure, which happens to be in pretty bad shape.

Random Access Humor             Page  9                  April 1994

Besides, "highway" is such an outdated (for lack of a better word)
term anyway, especially when used to characterize a computer network.
This is the 90s after all and I am sure a better term can be found or
made up, something like "Meganetwork" or "Dataway."

This leads to the next item of discontent.  Even though it is called
an "information highway", what will actually be flowing through those
marvelous little fiber optic cables is pure data.  Data becomes
information at the personal level when someone processes the data and
finds some use in it or adds it to his or her knowledge base.  Now on
the economic spectrum I am a subscriber to the "supply side" theory
of economics, or supply creating its own demand.  However, when it
comes to the information highway, I am afraid this may not be true.
I mean, how many channels of Julia Child and Bob Villa do we need?  I
don't see how it can be called an information highway if this
information is repetitive, redundant, or not informative at all but
just plain noise.  Besides, there is talk about many types of
services such as movies on demand, travel, finance, and others which
do not really fall in the genre of information but are going to be
riding the information highway anyway.  Thus it may be necessary to
make another term to incapsulate this "merger" of information and
entertainment.  This is the English language, after all, and it is
quite adaptable and capable of coming up with some snappy terms,
something like "Infotainment."

Last but certainly not least is what is the toll going to be for
riding this highway?  Cable, telephone and related companies want to
keep the costs down as much as possible to remain competitive but
they need to make a profit as well.  Some people are lucky to afford
electricity and, at most, cable.  We already have the so-called
"health care crisis" and "welfare crisis," so maybe our wonderful
politicians will declare an "information crisis."  Won't that be fun?

In summary, I am not trying to roadblock the information highway.  As
I said in the beginning, it is necessary for the country as economy, 
society, and politics become more and more global.  But, there are
some things to be considered but have been hidden by the flash and
dazzle of what it is going to provide.  So you may ride the informa-
tion highway but I'll stick to my infotainment meganetwork.     {RAH} 
--------------
Ray Koziel is a systems programmer/analyst for a consulting firm in
Atlanta.  Since Ray started contributing to RAH, his wife is more at
ease now that he has a new target for his weird sense of humor. 
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Q&A Man from PC-Computing Goes Insane
By: Vincent B. Navarino

I always wondered what would happen if one of the Q&A guys from
PC-Computing or other computer magazines snapped after answering too
many of other people's silly PC questions (and they printed it).  So,
with that in mind . . . read on.

Q&A - With Bill "Had it up to Here" Louie

Random Access Humor             Page 10                  April 1994

Q: I am trying to get a venerable original 4.77Mhz
IBM PC to accept a 1.44 floppy.  Can you help?

A: Yes.  Simply get a 1.44 floppy controller that
has an on-board BIOS chip.  The chip will override
your PC's addled brains, fooling it to think it's
worthy enough to run such equipment.


Q: I have a 386SX with 1 meg of RAM and I keep
getting 'Insufficient memory' messages from
Windows.  What can I do?

A: Keep adding more RAM.  Eventually the message
will stop, or you'll run out of money.


Q: I am running a program on an IBM 386DX/40 and
it keeps asking me to "Hit any key to continue."
Which key is the *ANY* key?

A: To locate the any key, you must first get
inside your computer.  Remove the screws on your
computer's case and open the cover.  Look inside.
See the big green board with circuits all over it?
Notice the little grey square that says
AMD-386DX40?  Using a magnetized screwdriver,  pry
the chip out of it's plastic holder.  It's under
there.


Q:What is the best way to optimize my config.sys
and autoexec.bat files?

A: At the C:> prompt, type DEL *.*


Q: What is the easiest way to convert my venerable
AT to a 486?

A: Remove the old 286 chip from the motherboard
and put the 486 chip in it's place.  It may look
to you that it won't fit, but with a large enough
hammer, it should.


Q: Do you know a program I can run when starting
my computer so that the NumLock key stays off?

A: I am SO sick of answering that question. Shut
up!

Random Access Humor             Page 11                  April 1994

Q: I'm trying to port over spreadsheets from Excel
to Lotus 1-2-3 and I am having trouble.  How can I
do this?

A: Buy Lotus, jerk.


Q: Can I load SmartDrive high?

A: I don't know, can you?


Q: I own an HP Vectra 486/33Mhz VLB computer with
16meg of RAM, a SCSI-2 1.2gig Hard Drive and a
Sound Blaster Pro 16 sound card.  Recently I added
10Mbit/second Ethernet cards to it and my Compaq
Prolinea 4/25s and hooked both machines up using
Novell Netware 3.1 and all of a sudden my Sound
Blaster Pro 16 doesn't work anymore and both
machines hang.  What's the problem?

A: Shut up! Shut Up! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!
I DON'T CARE!!!!!  SHUUUTTT UUUUUUUPPPPPP!!!

Why don't you pathetic people start writing to
Dvorak?  You think I get PAID enough to take all
your stupid questions - do you?  That's it, I've
had it!  I Q-U-I-T!!!!!!

[Ed. Due to technical difficulties, The Q&A column
will not be appearing after this issue.  In its
place, Sally Westheimer will be starting a new
column - "The How To's of Getting Along with the
Outside World".  We apologize for any inconvenience.]           {RAH}
--------------
Vincent B. Navarino is one of those rare Sysops who hasn't been
strung up by his rebellious users.  He is rumored to be in hiding
with the author of _Satanic Verses_ and protests the $4 million price
put on his head as being too small.  He formerly apologizes to all
women for whatever he must have done to not have had a date in three
years.  He lives with a cat named Spot and his BBS - The Particle
Board III (Fidonet 1:272/60).
---------------------------------------------------------------------
1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey

Sponsored by:

EXEC-PC   
P.O. Box 57         voice: (414) 789-4200
Elm Grove, WI.      2400:  (414) 789-4210   V.32bis: (414) 789-4360 

EXEC-PC is the world's largest BBS with 300+ incoming phone lines.
It was also one of the first major boards to adopt the Readroom Door
for online periodical viewing.  Both RAH editions are personally
uploaded to EXEC-PC each month by the editor.

Random Access Humor             Page 12                  April 1994

EXEC-PC has donated two one-year subscriptions to EXEC-PC, each
valued at $75.

Also sponsored by:

Clark Internet Services, Inc.   (ClarkNet)
10600 Route 108             voice (800) 735-2258 ext. (410) 730-9764
Ellicott City, MD 21042     TDD: (410) 730-9764  FAX: (410) 730-9765
You can e-mail to all-info@clark.net for automatic reply of ClarkNet
information or e-mail to info@clark.net for inquiry.

ClarkNet provides Internet access services to the Baltimore/
Washington metro area.  Full Internet/USENET/FTP/Archie/Gopher access
is available through UNIX shell accounts.  UUCP, PPP, and SLIP access
is also available.  The RAH support site makes its UUCP connection
thru ClarkNet.  ClarkNet is connected to Internet via Sprint's T1
leased line.  The modem access number is: (410) 730-9786.

ClarkNet has donated a prize package worth $100 to be awarded in a
random drawing from all fully completed 1994 RAH Reader Survey
responses received between 02/01/94 and 06/30/94.  The prize 
package contains:  6 month ClarkNet Basic Internet Service (Internet
e-mail and USENET newsgroups only) and a copy of _Connecting to the
Internet_ by Susan Estrada.  All setup fees and shipping charges are
included.

Additional prizes may be added as the survey progresses.  Any such
additional prizes will he announced in future RAH issues.  If your
organization would like to become a sponsor, contact Dave Bealer
for details.  (dave_bealer@rah.clark.net;  Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129)

-------------------%<------- cut here --------->%--------------------

              1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey

(Only fully completed survey forms will be eligible for the drawing.)

>> Questions about you, the reader:

Name:___________________________________________________  Age:_______

Address:_____________________________________________________________

City:_________________________________________ State/Prov:___________ 

Country:______________________________  Postal Code:_________________

Electronic Address:__________________________________________________

Computer Type/Brand:______________________ Are You GUI(Y/N/Huh)?_____

Modem Brand:________________  Modem Speed:_________ 16550 UART?______

Random Access Humor             Page 13                  April 1994

Approximate date (mo/yr) you made your first BBS call:_______________
  (enter "N/A" if you haven't done these things)
Approximate date (mo/yr) you first used the Internet:________________


>> Questions about your RAH reading habits:

I get RAH from:  ____ Internet Mailing List ____ FTP Site (specify)

____ BBS/Online System (specify)  ____ CD-ROM (specify)  ____ Friend

____ File Echo (specify)  ____ Other (specify):______________________

Name of source:______________________________________________________

Net address/phone number of source:__________________________________

Location of source:__________________________________________________

Number of RAH issues your source carries:____________________________

Number of RAH issues you have read:__________________________________

Have you ever used the Readroom Periodical Reading Door (Y/N)? ______

What Changes/Additional Features would you like to see in RAH?






>> Questions about your favorite English-language humor/comedy:
     (if you have no preference in a particular category,
       enter "None")

Your favorite stand-up comedian:_____________________________________

Your favorite comic actor:___________________________________________

Your favorite comic actress:_________________________________________

Your favorite comedy movie:__________________________________________

Your favorite comedy television show:________________________________

Your favorite humorous novel:________________________________________

Your favorite comic book:____________________________________________

Your favorite humor columnist:_______________________________________
    (newspaper or magazine)

Random Access Humor             Page 14                  April 1994

Surveys may be returned at any time.  Surveys that are completed and
received between 02/01/94 and 06/30/94 will be eligible for a drawing
for valuable prizes.

-------------------%<------- cut here --------->%--------------------

Return the survey to:

  Internet:  survey94@rah.clark.net

  FidoNet:   Survey94 at 1:261/1129

  Snailmail:  1994 RAH Reader Survey
              P.O. Box 595
              Pasadena, MD.  21122
              USA

The results from the humor/comedy preference portion of the survey
will be published in the September 1994 issue of RAH, as will the
list of winners from the drawing.

Please use the survey form from this issue or later issues.  The form
published in the February 1994 issue did not include space for the
respondent's postal code.  Lack of a postal code could delay the
delivery of any prize you might win.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor/Comedy Favorites of the RAH Writers:

For the duration of the 1994 RAH Reader Survey, we'll be providing
you with the survey responses of several RAH Writers.  This month,
the survey responses of Ray Koziel:

Your favorite stand-up comedian:__George Carlin - he has a natural___
                                flair with the English language

Your favorite comic actor:__Chevy Chase______________________________

Your favorite comic actress:__Whoopie Goldberg_______________________

Your favorite comedy movie:__"Wayne's World"_________________________

Your favorite comedy television show:_Home Improvement|Seinfeld [tie]
           Saturday Night Live for the sketch comedy category.

Your favorite humorous novel:__Hitchhiker's_Guide_to_the_Galaxy_____
                              What else is there?

Your favorite comic book:__X-Men - ok, I know it's not humorous, but_
                         it is my favorite!

Your favorite humor columnist:__Dave Barry...and Rush Limbaugh for___
    (newspaper or magazine)                    radio personality!

Random Access Humor             Page 15                  April 1994

In Memory of John Candy
by Ray Koziel

On Friday, March 4, 1994 the entertainment and humor world suffered a
great loss with the passing of John Candy.  Born on Halloween 1950 in
Toronto, Candy got his start in acting doing television commercials.
In 1972 he auditioned for the Second City comedy troupe in Chicago
and performed with that group for a couple of years.  Later he went
back to Toronto to work with the troupe based there.

It was at this point Candy met such personalities as Rick Moranis,
Martin Short, and Dave Thomas who took their comedy from the stage to
the television in the show "SCTV" - Canada's version of "Saturday
Night Live".  While with "SCTV," Candy was able to create some of his
well know personalities and set the foundation for his move to the
big screen.

Candy's Hollywood debut came with the film _1941_.  After some other 
minor roles, Candy got his break with the movie _Splash_ in which he
played Tom Hanks' brother.  He followed with other supporting roles
with Bill Murray, Steve Martin, and Dan Aykroyd (_Stripes_, _Trains,
Planes, and Automobiles_, and _The Great Outdoors_ respectively).

Proving himself as a supporting actor, Candy went on to some more
challenging tasks.  He took the lead roles in such films as _Who Is 
Harry Crumb?_, _Uncle Buck_, _Only the Lonely_, and _Delirious_.
Candy was working on a new film in Mexico titled _Wagons East_ when
he died of a heart attack at age 43.

Candy falls in the genre of comedians that contains other greats such
as Jackie Gleason, John Goodman, and Oliver Hardy.  Although quite
rotund, each man had a heart and sense of humor of equal if not
greater proportions than his stomach.  And despite their large size
they had a certain grace and flair about whatever they did.  In every
role Candy played, he was able to tap the human side of that
character and play it to the fullest.  To John Candy, thank you for
making life a little sweeter!                                   {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Twit Filter: The Retroactive Architect
by Dave Bealer

Public e-mail networks have been around for about a decade now.
Literally hundreds of networks exist, ranging from two-node networks
out in the cybersticks to the mother of all networks, the Internet.
Although most networks, and most network users, get their start with
private e-mail, topical public conferences (or echoes) are what
really make the online world go round.  

If ideas are the currency of cyberspace, then everyone online is
wealthy.  The exchange, discussion, refutation and mutilation of
these ideas are what generate the hundreds of megabytes of
information bouncing around the planet through dial-up sessions and
leased lines every single day.  In short, the data goes round and
round and it comes out everywhere.

Random Access Humor             Page 16                  April 1994

Many of these ideas are controversial, and some are downright silly.
But few ideas cause as much grief online as those of the retroactive
architect (retroarch).  These creatures join a new network, or a new
conference.  They look around for a least a few nanoseconds, then
loudly announce that the network (conference) was not designed
properly.  Said announcement is inevitably followed by a litany of
modifications that must be implemented immediately.  

The wisdom and long experience of the retroarch makes the absolute
acceptance of these commandments a certainty, at least in the mind of
the retroarch.  The mere fact that hundreds or thousands of people
have been using and benefiting from the current network (conference)
structure for years has no bearing on the matter.  True retroarchs
can never be convinced that their plans are not a vast improvement
over the shoddy existing design.

After the retroarch is thrown out of the target network or conference
for being an utter nuisance, the redesign campaign will be continued
from another available network or conference.  The usual choice is a
network or conference frequented by users of the network/conference
the architect "needs" to modify.  Since this particular affliction
can rarely be cured, the best thing way to handle retroarchs is to
place them in your twit filter.                                 {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The RAH Humor Review: More Python Alumni Tapes
by Dave Bealer

Apparently someone has figured out that virtually any video tape
featuring one or more of the Monty Python troop is guaranteed to sell
at least 100,000 copies.  Two more such tapes have been acquired by
yours truly in the past month.  After viewing these latest attempts
at squeezing bucks out of any stray scrap of film containing one or
more of the Python boys, I find myself fervently hoping that no
cameras were rolling during Graham Chapman's briss.

 o  The Strange Case of the End of Civilization As We Know It
      - featuring John Cleese as Arthur Sherlock Holmes, a
        bumbling, modern-day descendant of the famous detective.
        Connie Booth plays Mrs. Hudson, and several well known
        performers (e.g. Denholm Elliot) also appear, although it's
        a safe bet none of them list this turkey on their resume.
        One (sort of) redeeming feature: the absolute worse Kojak
        impression in the history of the genre.  "Who loves ya,
        baby?"  In the case of this tape, precisely no one.

 o  Romance With A Double Bass
      - Based on a short story by Anton Chekhov, this one actually
        isn't that bad.  John Cleese plays Smichkoff, a double bass
        player whose clothes are swiped while he's skinny dipping.
        Connie Booth, a princess, suffers the same fate.  The naked
        Cleese gallantly carries her back to the palace in his double 
	bass case.  Major redeeming feature: a couple of full frontal
	nude shots of Connie Booth (circa mid-1970s).  Major

Random Access Humor             Page 17                  April 1994

	drawback: a nude John Cleese.  (Feel free to reverse these  
	feature/drawback judgments as desired.)  Although strained
	at times, at least this one has an innately funny premise at
	its core.

Both tapes were released by White Star Films.                   {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Announcements and Observations

Believe it or not, _Command Line Cowboys: The Best of RAH, Volume 0_
is actually shipping.  Yes!  Just 6 weeks after the planned initial
shipping date.  Possibly a new record for vaporware.  The reason for
the delay is that we tried to add some graphics features that would
never work in a text magazine.  Unfortunately we couldn't get them to
work in the hypertext system either.  Better luck next time.
                             - - -
The RAH official RAH Gateway system is being disbanded as of 4/30/94.
The Official RAH Distribution system will remain in effect.
Basically, this means that the multi-line Gateway listings will
disappear, but the single line listings by state/nation will remain. 
                             - - -
REMINDER: RAH is now being published 10 times per year.  There will
be no July or August issues this year.
                             - - -
The deadline for submissions for the May 1994 issue is 04/25/94.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
--- Bumper Stickers Seen On The Information Superhighway

"More hay, Trigger?"  "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

Been there.  Done that.  Reincarnated.

Don't touch that keyboard, we'll be right back.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

"Are you sure it isn't time for a colorful metaphor?"

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.

Cats know how we feel.  They don't give a damn, but they know.

I have a grip on reality, just not this particular one.

Eat the rich.  The poor are tough and stringy.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Cream rises to the top...so do dead fish.

Random Access Humor             Page 18                  April 1994

Ask me about my vow of silence!

A bachelor never makes the same mistake once.

If you can read this, my cloaking device is on the fritz.

What's all this about hell fire and dalmations?

I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing.

Veni, vidi, velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around.

Every time my ship comes in there's a dock strike.

Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

What is the highest pyramid in the world?  Amway.

Guts: putting "Sysop" in your twit filter.

Why'd they bury Mozart?  Because he was decomposing.

Excuse me, Chief, my shoe is ringing.

Got a 486 for my wife - good trade.

You can fool some of the people and really piss them off.

If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.

The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant and Chocolate.

What this country needs is a good 5-cent quarter.

Ensign Walnut approaches Dr. Crusher with caution.

Ted Kennedy's Bumper Sticker: My other car is underwater.

Do televangelists do more than lay people?

C'mon, where's your sense of adventure?

I'm not round.  I'm an oblate spheroid.

Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.

"Cher"ware - you have to send in proof of a tattoo.

Neutrinos have mass?  I didn't even know they're Catholic!

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Don't be so open minded that your brain falls out.

Random Access Humor             Page 19                  April 1994

I know it all, I just can't remember most of it.

Can priests turn other food into God, or only cookies?

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.

If reality wants to get in touch, it knows where I am.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off now.

Give the gift of high velocity lead.

System error - press F13 to continue.

Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies.

No, I'm not an elitist.  Why do you ask, peasant?

Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?

Smokey the Bear says, "Strip mining prevents forest fires."

Just sliding down the razor blade of life.

Quoth the Raven, "Eat my shorts!"

And you thought space was warped.

Government: not the solution, but the problem.

The most affectionate creature is the wet dog.

The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER

My IRS check just bounced.

I can't think of anything that remotely fits the subject.

"Bother," said Pooh, as he struggled with his condom.

Raise your IQ: eat gifted children.

I was born alive.  Isn't that punishment enough?

One if by LAN, two if by C.

I pray to St. Francis of ANSI C.

Computing is a terminal condition.

Random Access Humor             Page 20                  April 1994

My superiority complex is better than yours!

"Hey, can I get something to drink?"  Socrates

"I drank what?"  Socrates

Double your drive space - delete Windows!

Everybody stand back, he's got a MAGNET!

Everything's falling into place - on top of me.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Boldly going forward because we can't find reverse.

Karaoke is the Japanese word for "tone deaf."

Sinead O'Connor: a chia pet before adding water.

The is abuse.  Arguments are down the hall.

What is a "free gift?"  Aren't all gifts free?

Random Access Humor             Page A-1                 April 1994

Random Access Humor Masthead:

Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer

Associate Editor: Greg Borek

Contributing Editors: Ray Koziel, Vincent B. Navarino

Logo Design: Kelly Price

Contact:  The Puffin's Nest BBS
          FidoNet: 1:261/1129  (1200-14400/V.32bis)
          BBS: (410) 437-3463  (1200-16800/HST)
          Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net
                    greg.borek@rah.clark.net

Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!)
               Random Access Humor
               c/o Dave Bealer
               P.O. Box 595
	       Pasadena, MD. 21122  USA

                      >> Legal Junk <<

Random Access Humor (RAH) is published ten times a year (September -
June) by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community.  
Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at
any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online
service.  RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by 
their authors.  The contribution of articles to this compilation does
not diminish the rights of the authors.  The opinions expressed in
RAH are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of the
publisher.

This entire publication is a work of satire (except for these legal
bits here).  If anyone takes offense to something published herein,
the fault (a lack of a sense of humor) lies with them and not with 
the magazine.  The editors and publisher will not be held responsible
for the use or misuse of any information contained in this magazine.

Random Access Humor is Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer.  All Rights 
Reserved.  Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non-
commercial purposes only.  RAH may not be distributed on diskette or 
in hardcopy form for a fee without express written permission from the 
publisher.  For any other use, contact the publisher.

RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form.  Online systems whose
users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for 
viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not
modified.  Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on
diskette for their own personal use only.  RAH may not be distributed
in combination with any other publication or product.

Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of
their respective owners.

Random Access Humor             Page A-2                 April 1994

                    >> Where to Get RAH <<

Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download
or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or
from various sites in several BBS networks.  Back issues of RAH may
be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS.

Internet users may obtain RAH back issues as UUENCODED files attached
to e-mail.  Free subscriptions are also available via mailing lists.
For more info, send an e-mail message to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net 
The subject line and body can contain anything or be blank.

RAH is also available on the Internet via FTP:

  etext.archive.umich.edu  (192.131.22.7)  dir: /pub/Zines/RAH
         (ASCII Text edition compressed with gzip)

  ftp.clark.net  (198.17.243.2)  dir: /ftp/pub/rah
         (ASCII Text edition uncompressed - RAHyymm.TXT)
         (ASCII Text edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymm.ZIP)
         (READROOM.TOC edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymmR.ZIP)

                     >> Writing For RAH <<

Article contributions to RAH are always welcome.  All submissions
must be made electronically.  File attach your article to a netmail
message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129.  E-mail (with file attaches)
may also be sent via Internet to: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net

Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail.  Article
submissions should be made via file.  Submitted files must be plain
ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where
artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory 
extension.  If your article does not conform to these simple specs,
it may get lost or trashed.  Also note that such imaginative names as
RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded
contributors.  If your hardware is incapable of producing file names
in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail
messages.  As the volume of mail increases it may not be possible to
make personalized responses to all submissions or correspondence
received. 

The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any
submission as/when they see fit.  The editors also reserve the right
to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication.  This last
right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or
grammar misteaks that are not funny.  RAH is a PG rated publication,
so keep it (mostly) clean.

RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication:
1) Any material in the public domain.
2) Material for which you own the copyright, or represent the copy-
   right holder.  If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the
   copyright holder. 

Random Access Humor             Page A-3                 April 1994

In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to
anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the
message accompanying the contribution.  You still own the material,
and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it
electronically in the usual manner.  Your article may be selected for
publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book.  If you want
your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired
in the text you submit.  Previously published articles may be
submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical
name, date of previous publication.

RAH Distribution System:
(Sites bearing the <contrib> designation will accept your
 contributions and forward them to the editors.)
(All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense
 of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.)

The Puffin's Nest       Pasadena, MD.       Sysop: Dave Bealer
FidoNet> 1:261/1129       (410) 437-3463       16800 (HST/Dual)
<contrib>
Current RAH Issue (text format):      FReq: RAH
Current RAH Issue (Readroom format):  FReq: RAHR
Back Issues of RAH: (text)            FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP
          (RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue)
Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom)        FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP
          (RAH9302R.ZIP and later only)
Complete Writers Guidelines:  FReq: RAHWRITE 
Complete Distributor Info:    FReq: RAHDIST

RAH Gateway Systems:

Pooh's Corner           Fells Point, MD.    Sysop: Mark Truelove
FidoNet> 1:261/1131       (410) 327-9263       14400 (V.32bis)
RBBSnet> 8:936/206     FilNet> 33:410/0     CandyNet> 42:1031/1
<contrib>

H*A*L                   Muskogee, OK.       Sysop: Lloyd Hatley
FidoNet> 1:3813/304       (918) 682-7337       14400 (V.32bis)
RFNet> 73:102/1       RANet> 72:918/21       LuvNet> 77:101/1
DoorNet> 75:7918/205      <contrib>
 
The Shop Mail Only      Flushing, NY.       Sysop: Steve Matzura
FidoNet> 1:2603/203       (718) 460-0201       14400 (V.32bis)
ADAnet> 94:7180/1     JayNet> 17:99/100     WorldNet 62:4400/200  
MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12     <mail only - no BBS)

Cyberdrome              Philadelphia, PA.   Sysop: Mike Taylor 
FidoNet> 1:273/937        (215) 923-8026       14400 (V.32bis) 
PodsNet> 93:9600/2          <contrib>

Abiogenesis             Kansas City, MO.    Sysop: Scott Lent
FidoNet> 1:280/310        (816) 734-4732       14400 (V.32bis)
VirNet> 9:103/110      MailNet> 20:416/310   SuperNet> 43:1315/102

Random Access Humor             Page A-4                 April 1994

Datanet BBS       Voorschoten, Netherlands  Sysop: Ed Bakker
FidoNet> 2:281/101         31-71-617784        14400 (V.32bis)
Digital-Net> 15:200/512   MomNet> 71:2000/2

SoftCom Online          Istanbul, Turkey    Sysop: Tolga Yurderi
FidoNet> 2:430/1          90-1-2572790         16800 (HST/Dual)
GlobalNet> 52:9000/1    IntlNet> 57:90/1      HiTNeT> 102:1001/5

The Vision BBS          Keflavik, Iceland   Sysop: Jon Karlsson
FidoNet> 2:391/20         354-2-14626          14400 (V.32bis)
IceInet> 354:2/10

Incredible BBS          Burleson, TX.       Sysop: Don Teague
FidoNet> 1:130/82         (817) 447-2598       14400 (HST/Dual)
USPolNet> 30:603/103

The Harddisk Cafe       Nidderau, Germany   Sysop: Bernd Hohmann
FidoNet> 2:2465/317       49-6187-21739        19200 (Z19)
FidoClassic> 2:248/317  Gamesnet> 144:4906/153  BasNet> 255:1000/0

The Next Level     Scarborough, ON, Canada  Sysop: James FitzGibbon
FidoNet> 1:250/301        (416) 299-1164       19200 (Z19)
ZyXELnet> 18:105/301    ibmNet> 40:6482/301     NAnet> 81:416/520
<contrib>

Didi's Place       Dearborn Heights, MI.    Sysop: Diane Pahl
FidoNet> 1:2410/120       (313) 563-8940        14400 (V.32bis)
W-Net_fts> 66:636/0    CrossNet> 73:4100/3     SEMSOGNt> 94:101/0
<contrib>

RAH Official Distribution Sites:

-= AUSTRALIA =-
   Northern Territory
Images Unlimited      Darwin     3:850/110   61-89-41-1630   V.32bis

   Victoria
The Flying Circus     Highett    3:635/555   61-3-532-5224   V.32bis

-= BELGIUM =-
Proteus/2             Brussels   2:291/711   32-2-3752539    V.32bis

-= CANADA =-
   Ontario
Typecast BBS          Kingston   1:249/107   (613) 545-9148  V.32bis
The Next Level      Scarborough  1:250/301   (416) 299-1164  Z19
Echo Valley           Vanier     1:243/26    (613) 749-1016  HST

-= FRANCE =-
The Data Zone        Versailles  2:320/218   33-1-39633662   V.32bis

-= GERMANY =-
The Harddisk Cafe     Nidderau   2:244/1682  49-6187-21739   Z19

Random Access Humor             Page A-5                 April 1994

-= ICELAND =-
The Vision BBS        Keflavik   2:391/20    354-2-14626     V.32bis

-= ITALY =-
Temple of Knowledge   Rome       (NoFido)    39-6-546880     Z19

-= NETHERLANDS =-
BIB Aalten            Aalten     2:283/401   31-54-3774203   V.32bis
BBS Sussudio          Denhaag    2:281/517   31-70-3212177   HST/Dual
Midkemia BBS          Denhaag    (MomNet)    31-70-3361872   V.32bis
TouchDown             Hoofddorp  2:280/401   31-2503-24677   HST/Dual
Bommel's BBS          Schiedam   2:285/800   31-10-4700939   V.32bis
Pleasure BBS          Utrecht    2:281/705   31-30-934123    V.32bis
Datanet BBS          Voorschoten 2:281/101   31-71-617784    V.32bis

-= PORTUGAL =-
The Mail House II     Loures     2:362/29    351-1-9890140   V.32bis
The MAD BBS           V.N.Gaia   2:363/9     351-2-3706922   V.32

-= SAUDI ARABIA =-
MidEast Connection    Riyadh     (NoFido)    966-1-4410075   V.32bis

-= SLOVENIA =-
R.I.S.P.              Ljubljana  2:380/103   38-61-199400    V.32bis

-= UNITED STATES =-
   Alabama
J & J Online          Chickasaw  1:3625/440  (205) 457-5901  V.32bis
Digital Publ. Assoc   Birmingham (NoFido)    (205) 854-1660  V.32bis

   California
InfoMat BBS           San Clemente (P&BNet)  (714) 492-8727  HST/Dual
Automation Central    San Jose   1:143/110   (408) 435-2886  V.32bis
The Software Station  Saugus     1:102/1106  (805) 296-9056  V.32
Marin County Net      Sausalito  1:125/55    (415) 331-6241  HST/Dual

   Connecticut
ModemNews Express     Stamford   (P&BNet)    (203) 359-2299  V.32bis

   Florida
Ruby's Joint      Coconut Grove  1:135/373   (305) 856-4897  V.32bis
The Software Cuisine  Miami      1:135/57    (305) 642-0754  V.32bis

   Hawaii
Casa de la Chinchilla  Honolulu  (NoFido)    (808) 845-1303  HST/Dual

   Idaho
Phantasia BBS         Boise      1:347/25    (208) 939-2530  V.32bis

   Illinois
The Crossroads BBS    Chicago    1:115/743   (312) 587-8756  HST/Dual
The Loonatic Fringe   Elk Grove  1:115/542   (708) 290-8877  V.32

Random Access Humor             Page A-6                 April 1994

   Indiana
Digicom               Evansville 1:2310/200  (812) 479-1310  HST/Dual

   Maryland
Wit-Tech              Baltimore  1:261/1082  (410) 256-0170  V.32bis
Outside the Wall      Baltimore  1:261/1093  (410) 665-1855  V.32
The File Exchange   Cockeysville 1:2617/104  (410) 628-7243  HST/Dual
Pooh's Corner        Fells Point 1:261/1131  (410) 327-9263  V.32bis
Cybersystems          Frederick  1:109/713   (301) 662-8948  V.32bis
Robin's Nest         Glen Burnie (P&BNet)    (410) 766-9756  V.32
The Puffin's Nest     Pasadena   1:261/1129  (410) 437-3463  HST/Dual

   Michigan
Didi's Place    Dearborn Heights 1:2410/120  (313) 563-8940  V.32bis

   Mississippi
Ranch & Cattle South  Columbus   (NoFido)    (601) 328-6486  V.32bis

   Missouri
Abiogenesis           Kansas City 1:280/310  (816) 734-4732  V.32bis

   New Mexico
High Mesa Publishing  Los Lunas  1:317/100   (505) 865-8385  V.32
Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas  1:317/317   (505) 865-4082  V.32bis

   New York
The Shop Mail Only    Flushing   1:2603/203  (mail only)     V.32bis
The Wall-2        Middle Village 1:278/612   (718) 335-8784  HST/Dual
Particle Board 3      Monroe     1:272/60    (914) 783-2455  V.32
Computers & Dreams    New York   (NoFido)    (212) 888-6565  V.32bis
ASB                  Ronkonkoma  (NoFido)    (516) 471-8625  V.32bis
Dome Ideas BBS        Yonkers    1:272/104   (914) 968-2205  HST

   Oklahoma
H*A*L                 Muskogee   1:3813/304  (918) 682-7337  V.32bis

   Oregon
Bitter Butter Better  Tigard     1:105/290   (503) 620-0307  V.32

   Pennsylvania
Writer's Biz          Greenville  1:2601/522 (412) 588-7863  V.32bis
Cyberdrome            Philadelphia 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026  V.32bis 
Milliways             Pittsburgh   1:129/179 (412) 766-1086  HST/Dual

   Texas
Sunlight Thru Shadows  Addison   (P&BNet)    (214) 620-8793  V.32bis
Incredible BBS        Burleson   1:130/82    (817) 447-2598  HST/Dual

   Utah
Vital Signs           Midvale    1:311/20    (801) 255-8909  V.32bis

Random Access Humor             Page A-7                 April 1994

   Virginia
Pen & Brush       Burke          (P&BNet)    (703) 644-5196  V.32bis
Data Empire       Fredericksburg 1:274/31    (703) 785-0422  V.32bis
Flying Dutchman   Newport News   1:271/237   (804) 595-9383  V.32bis
The Time Machine  Newport News   1:271/236   (804) 599-6401  HST/Dual

   Washington
Spokane Online        Spokane    1:346/20    (509) 327-8540  V.32bis
Dragon's Cave         Tacoma     1:138/198   (206) 752-4160  V.32bis

   West Virginia
Blue Powder BBS      St. Albans  (NoFido)    (304) 727-6733  V.32bis

   Wisconsin
The First Step BBS    Green Bay  1:139/540   (414) 499-6646  V.32bis

=====================================================================

Although not official RAH distributors, the following large 
commercial systems carry RAH.  (Uploaded by the editor himself.)

 Channel 1             Cambridge, MA.   (617) 354-8873   (Readroom)

 EXEC-PC               Elm Grove, WI.   (414) 789-4210   (Readroom)
   
 SPACE                 Menlo Park, CA.  (415) 323-4193

 Software Creations    Clinton, MA.     (508) 368-4137