                hogs of entropy corporation special report 114
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             >> "the boy who seeks happiness meets darkthrone" <<
                               by -> murmur

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                "they call me fitzsimmons
                but i'm not quite sure why
                i just seek eternal happiness
                do you know where it lies?"

        such is the song of fitzsimmons, the boy who seeks happiness.  my, if
 he hasn't had one hell of a time finding that darned happiness.  he keeps
 going around and singing his song and annoying the shit out of people just
 because he wants to be happy - as if the dumb fucker wasn't happy enough!

        one day fitzsimmons was racing around some green hills somewhere and
 he came upon some unusually toad shaped people and he sang his song.

                "they call me fitzsimmons,
                but i'm not quite sure why.
                i just seek eternal happiness,
                do you know where it lies?"

        the toad people directed fitzsimmons to the large area of land known
 vaguely as the "scandinavian peninsula".  little did fitzsimmons know that
 happiness does not exist in scandinavia, all that exist in scandinavia are
 higher tax rates, advanced welfare states, & fjords.

        well, fitzsimmons got to that scandinavia place and he found this
 charming place called helsinki and he sang his song to some people on the
 street.

                "they call me fitzsimmons,
                but i'm not quite sure why.
                i just seek eternal happiness,
                do you know where it lies?"

        the poor finns didn't know what the hell the idiot north american was
 talking about, but someone thought he might be talking about whales.  they
 told him to go to norway.

        fitzsimmons found the mythical norway, although he took a very
 ridiculous path to get there.  i mean, helsinki isn't that far from norway,
 but i'll be damned if he didn't somehow go through al's meats.  well, there
 he was in norway and he sang his song for somebody who paid too much in
 taxes.

                "they call me fitzsimmons,
                but i'm not quite sure why.
                i just seek eternal happiness,
                do you know where it lies?"

        the conservative norseman didn't really care to deal with him so he
 muttered something about eronymous and left.  thinking this was a clue,
 fitzsimmons asked people about the mysterious "eronymous" until a youth
 informed him that it was not eronymous, but in fact the mythical lord
 grishnackh that he should seek.  eronymous was dead.

        so fitzsimmons searched for lord grishnach and was subsequently
 informed that darkthrone was on the abandoned apple hill.  there are no
 abandoned apple hills in norway, of course, but fitzsimmons rummaged his way
 there and encountered the members of the real norwegian black metal band
 darkthrone, fronted by lord grishnackh.

                "they call me fitzsimmons,
                but i'm not quite sure why.
                i just seek eternal happiness,
                do you know where it lies?"

        lord grishnackh feasted on fitzsimmons's soul that night and the
 editor was too lazy to go back and change any verb tenses to make that
 apparent.


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   * (c) HoE publications.  HoE #114 -- written by murmur -- 6/11/97 *
