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   ooooo   ooooo  .oooooo.  oooooooooooo       HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #623
   `888'   `888' d8P'  `Y8b `888'     `8
    888     888 888      888 888            "Apocalyptica Plays Metallica
    888ooooo888 888      888 888oooo8              By Four Cellos"
    888     888 888      888 888    "
    888     888 `88b    d88' 888       o        by Phairgirl [5/9/99]
   o888o   o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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        Wow.

        There's nothing else to be said, really, except for wow.

        My days online pass with constant downloading of mp3s from illegal
 sites, burning them to CD, trading with other interested parties, and
 wondering just how much trouble a person could really get into by doing
 this sort of thing.  It's a lame sort of thrill, not really a thrill at
 all, just the illusion of something sneaky and anarchic.  For some, that is
 a good enough reason to play the mp3 game.  Then, for people like me who
 long to hear once more the strained beautiful melodies from bands like
 Wumpscut and The Cycle Sluts From Hell, it becomes a little bit more than
 that.

        All tangents aside, there's nothing more fun than finding a new ftp
 site and discovering sometimes hundreds of new sounds, new songs, new
 perspectives, new anything.  It was upon such an adventure one day that I
 began massively leeching from some industrial-type music site when I found
 a gem among all the monotonous muck.

        There were two songs, "Nothing Else Matters" and "One," both by
 Apocalyptica.  Obviously, Metallica cover tunes.  Okay, well, considering
 there seemed to be a great number of Madonna cover tunes on industrial
 sites, I figured, why not see what kind of spin they put on such an old
 standard.  It's not like I had any preconceived notions; anymore, I
 download anything that sits on a server alongside something else I even
 kind-of like.

        A day later, or a couple of days later, whenever I actually got
 around to listening to the previous night's conquested mp3s, I stumbled
 upon the songs again in my playlist.  At first, I was kind of confused by
 the complete lack of an 808 or some German man growling rabidly.

        I continued to listen, and what I heard was utterly the most amazing
 music I had heard since I discovered Dream Theater back in 1992.

        I looked again.  Yes, this really was Metallica's songs; however,
 they were being played completely by string instruments (which I would
 later come to narrow down as being cellos).  It was kind of an odd shock;
 first was the shock that someone was playing "heavy metal" music on a
 cello.  The second shock was simply how beautiful it was.  However, the
 third shock was the best of all, where I truly discovered why it all
 worked: the songs themselves were beautifully and brilliantly written.

        I glanced again at the name.

        Apocalyptica.

        That night, I found myself at the wonderfully glorious Kennedy Mall
 in all of its 30 stores of splendor.  I wandered through Musicland, coming
 up almost empty-handed trying to find something of value (although I did
 manage to pick up an old Morcheeba disc I was looking for, John Petrucci
 and Mike Portnoy's side project from Dream Theater, Liquid Tension
 Experiment, and the single for that annoying song "(Not the) Greatest
 Rapper" which I seem to find cute, but here I am on a tangent again.  At
 the counter, I asked the cute little girl with the nosering and eyebrow
 ring if they could order Apocalyptica.

        (Okay, tangent time: That dumb bitch.  She SWORE they had it, and
 spent 15 minutes of my fucking time looking through the same exact fucking
 racks I just finished looking through and didn't find SHIT.  I hate stupid
 pseudo-cool piercings people who think they are so damn cool and know
 everything there is to know about anything when they don't know shit,
 especially, how incredibly retarded they look in bright orange tank tops.
 But I digress.)

        I wandered aimlessly through the mall, heading toward the other
 bastian of evil, Sam Goody.  Lo and behold, I walk to the letter "A" and
 Apocalyptica is somehow out of order and sitting front and center...
 smiling at me...  drawing me closer... forcing me to ignore the $17.99
 corporate music store ripoff price.

        I snatched it up, along with its little friend--two happy discs of
 Apocalyptica, all for me!  All for my happy ears to listen!  All for just
 $35!

        Once I was home later that night, I gave them first spin.  I was
 planning on only spending a half hour on the computer, as I had to work at
 the crack of dawn.  Interestingly, there was absolutely nothing of interest
 or consequence happening on IRC.  I couldn't find any new mp3s to download.
 Nobody was online to speak of.  Yet somehow, I forced myself to find
 something to do for almost 2 hours as I finished listening to both of my
 new discs.

        The first, Inquisition Symphony, was actually the newer of the two
 discs, and contained the two songs I had downloaded.  To my extreme joy and
 rapture, not only did they cover Metallica, but also Pantera, Sepultura,
 and Faith No More.  I listened in utter amazement to what they had done to
 songs I had heard hundreds of times before while growing up watching
 Headbanger's Ball.  It was all beyond comprehension.

        The second, Apocalyptica Plays Metallica By Four Cellos, was just
 that: a disc of Metallica cover tunes, spanning most of Metallica's music
 up to and including the black album.  It included my favorite Metallica
 song also, "Welcome Home (Sanitarium)".  Nothing I have ever heard before
 or since sounded so utterly amazing.

        Don't get me wrong; I'm not one of those obsessive classical music
 freaks.  In fact, I took Music Appreciation in college and came out hating
 everything but Mozart and Beethoven.  However, I do hold a special place in
 my heart for any one or any thing that will stand up for the music I grew
 up with and loved, and Apocalyptica has done it with such amazing clarity
 and symphonic beauty that it has become almost impossible to think of
 listening to anything else.

        Wow.

        Kill your local piercings inflicted corporate music store clerk for
 a copy today.

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 [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!  HOE #623 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 5/9/99 ]
