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       [ Everything You Need To Know About Techno ] [ Ralph 124C41+ ]


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                 Everything You Need to Know About Techno
                  (but was to lazy to check up yourself)
                      by Ralph 124C41+ of PowerDrive

  Hi there, dear reader. This is the first complete collection of
knowledge about techno ever published. It will tell you absolutely
everything you can possibly need to know about techno. But let's skip the
talk and get right into it!

THE TALK

First of all you must learn to talk in the right way, the text above is
totally wrong for instance. It would have sounded something like this:
"Yo MaN! dIG dIZ! fUckInG aLL yA nEEd Ta KnOW aBouT tECHno! I wuz FiRST,
nO meSS!". Actually you don't talk that way, it only how it's written. If
you feel uncertain about what letters should be in capital case you can
use a dice or install a random number generator in your keyboard. The way
to talk is harder to describe but here you could just put on some
sunglasses and keep your mount shut at all times. This is called to be
"cool".

MOVING

  There is one move that is *very* important when it comes to techno, it's
to point an your knees. In my research I have not found why knees are so
important in techno but my preliminary studies indicates some kind of
kinky sex. I'll be back if I ever find out.
  The move itself is made by first sticking out your arm about as a bird
wing on a slightly mentally insane seagull, keep your hand flat with all
fingers together. Then you just point at your knees. Do this with both
arms at the same time. This is done every time you say "Yo!" and a great
deal of the rest of the time as well.
  If you find this move to hard you can just put your hands in your
pockets and stand like that. To have dark glasses helps a lot in this
situation. This is also a part of being "cool".

DANCE

  This is the easiest part because you can do pretty much what you like,
but some basic moves is good to know. A very common one is to stand
up with straight arms, then you move your right arm up so that it becomes
horizontal, then you take it down again and do the same thing with your
left arm.
  Another common move is to stand up and shake without controll, just fake
an epileptic attack and you should do fine. If you are an epileptic you
are on the safe side, four your convenience there are lots of flashing
lights put up so that you will have it easier to have an epileptic attack.

CLOTHES

  Clothes are very important, you must create your own style. This is
done by wearing exactly the same thing as everybody else. If you don't
know a lot of people who is into techno you might find it hard to know
exactly so let me tell you. First of all you must have some shoes, most
people into techno choose Converse All Stars so get a pair of those and
you should be on the safe side where footwear is concerned. The rest of
the clothing follows one simple rule: loose fit. Just steal your old mans
jogging outfit and no one will ever be able to tell you from any other
into techno. Another idea is to go to the Weight watchers and ask them for
their old clothes.

COMPUTERS

  Computer knowledge is very important if you want to get into techno. You
must simply forget everything you know about computers. This might be a
bit hard but just pop down to your friendly local drug dealer and ask for
something to give you amnesia.

DRUGS

  Drugs is very important in the techno scene, but the choice of drugs is
important. The basic rule is: never take any legal drugs. Beer, booze,
cigarettes and coffee is totally out of the question. Some things you
should try is LSD, XTC, PCP, PVC, DDT... Everything you need will be
offered to you so you will never have any problems finding what you need.
  Sometimes you will be offered energizer drinks, brain drugs and such
things, they are often very expensive but they will give you energy to
keep on dancing. They can also be found in the local supermarket, except
that there it's called "orange juice" or "sugar" (just add water).

MUSIC, listening

  The big problem with listening to techno is to tell the difference
between the tunes as they all sound the same. A good advice is to listen
for which word is used the most (often just a single word is used in the
entire tune) and assume that it is the title of the tune.
  It also good to learn some of the famous names, this is, unlike other
music, not the one who made the music or she one who speaks in the tune
but the one which is shown in the video. Often aliases are used like Mr
WC, Dr CP, Strawberry Ice-cream and Dr Dengroth.

MUSIC, making

  As mentioned above the most important when making techno is to have a
"cool" name, any actual musical talent is not necessary and often it is
just in the way. Start with a beat, you can either sample it from some
other tune or try to make it yourself (as some grown up to assist you).
Then it's time to put in some melody, the most common way is to sample
some old Kraftwerk tunes. If you don't have any Kraftwerk records you
could use a random number bass and let a cat walk over the keyboard when
the synthesizer is set to some fancy sound. Then you must think of the
lyrics of the tune. The easiest way to do this is to open a dictionary and
pick a word. Then you just pick some kid of the street and let him say
that work a couple of times. Then the tune is finished and the kid gets
all the money, fame and girl. Hey, no one said this was easy!

MUSIC, working as a DJ

  If you just are to play techno at a rave or something, like can be very
easy. There are several records with techno ready mixed so you just have
to start one of those and then concentrate on the actual as a DJ, to get
as many girls as possible in bed. This is often very easy because as DJ
you have the power over what tunes to play and you'd be amazed what girls
can do to to have their favorite tune played. You see that techno can be
rewarding as well!

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