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***                                                                  ***
***                                                                  ***
***                            NutWorks                              ***
***                           ----------                             ***
***              The Inter-Net Virtual Magazine for Those            ***
***                  Who Believe Reality is a Concept,               ***
***                     That Has No Place in Life.                   ***
***                                                                  ***
***  Septmember 1985, Issue 1, Volume II.   NutWorks is Published    ***
***  monthly.  Leonard M. Friedman aka Spock (CALBC821@CUNYVM)       ***
***  Virtual Editor in Chief.                                        ***
***                                                                  ***
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                         Editor's Comments
                         =================
 
    Well folks do to circumstances  beyond  his  control  (the FBI being
after him) Brent CJ Britton is now residing in another  country  waiting
for the heat to blow off.  Through my various underground contacts I was
able to contact Brent and obtained two things from him.   The first  was
editorship of this magazine and the second  was  the  interview  which I
included below.  I would like to thank Brent wherever he is for allowing
me to carry on the name of  NutWorks  and I wish him the best of luck in
avoiding the Feds.
 
    Nutworks will be avialable for  Bitnet  users on the  Forum  Confer-
encing system  via  the  /getf  Nutworks Issue###  command.  Back issues
have already  been  placed on Forum.  For Usenet users it will be avail-
able  through  Alan (ALAN@NCSUVM.bitnet).  For  more  information please
consult the NutWorks Info File availalbe in a solar  system near you !!!
 
    In order to get this issue out as soon as possible I will just close
my comments by thanking my staff and all the people who contributed art-
icles to this issue and all the people who have made NutWorks  a  succes
in the past and I am sure will make it a success in the future.
 
    Now onto the real stuff !!!
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
                            NutWorks News
                            =============
 
1)  The next netcon is approximately four (4) weeks away.  The cost is
$71 for three nights. It is being held at The Mariott hotel in Washin-
gton D.C. The dates are October 11 - 14. Money is due by  the  end  of
this week.
 
All  Checks should be made  out  to:
    Lynn Snyder and Tim Dilauro
 
Checks for Netcon should be sent to:
    Lynn Snyder
    3001 Huntington Avenue
    Apt 2
    Baltimore Maryland 21211
 
For further information on the Netcon contact:
    Marce        MARCE    @ BITNIC
    Lynn         L64A1584 @ JHUVM
 
 
2)  It is rumored that the Billy Martin fight was better than the fight
between Holmes and Spinks.
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
                      An Interview With Brent CJ Britton
                          Former Editor of NutWorks
                      ==================================
 
 
    When asked why he had  given up the  Editor's  position at  NutWorks
magazine, Mr. Britton, bewteen sips on a Mt. Dew 'n' gyn 'n' tonic,  had
this to say:
    "Well, NutWorks was just this magazine, you know?  I mean, sure,  it
was nice at first.. real nice.  Had a few really  good  people   working
for me. Real pro's of prose you might say.. heh heh.. Yup. It was great.
But then some of  'em, well,  you know..  they just started getting into
all this technical bullsh*t... started suggesting things like putting in
all sorts of "This Page Intentionaly Left Blank." They even wanted me to
start using Waterloo Script for Gawd's Sake!  Well, I just kinda figured
that it'd be best if  I  just let the  magazine  go and stuck to my drug
smuggling.. OOPS!   Hey,  you're  not gonna *print* that or anything are
you?   I mean,  I was just kidding...  I  really  don't smuggle drugs or
anything... hey where you going?  Oh sh*t..."
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
              How To Run Multi-Talk AND Keep Your Sanity
                        (both in one day)
                       by Billy at BMACADM
              ==========================================
 
 
    Welcome fellow users if Bitnet.  As you all have read about the mis-
    use or abuse of the networks with the use of a chat,  we  will  look
    into the abuse that a chat operator takes in one days time not  only
    from the users of the chat but also from  the  students,  and  heads
    from CUNYVM.  It is almost 8:00 p.m. the bewitching hour for me. The
    time when I bring up Multi-Talk. The system comes up ASUACAD all the
    way down to WEIZMANN sign-on to do what people regularly do....CHAT.
    By the time 8:30 comes around, total count of users  are  17.  I  am
    biting my nails praying that my bosses dont find out why  there  are
    no jobs coming out...   I come up with excuses from  cuny is slow...
    to Cuny is having  problems with their 3081k.  At this time students
    start grumbling and start screaming where the F--K is my job? I  ran
    it 45 minutes ago!!!!
 
 Then I say non-chalantly let me check the queue:
 I do an SM NETWORK Q SYS Q
 The system replies      LINK CUNYJES3 connect    P=3  S=6  Q=99  R=0
 
 The third letter 'Q' deals with the queue or backlog of jobs waiting to
 come back .....I start lying that there are only 2 jobs waiting  to  be
 printed.
 
 I quiet down the people for awhile that is until I sign  on  to  Multi-
 Talk....there I beg for people please shut-up for ten minutes so we can
 get our jobs out............
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
                     Mr. Spock's Proverbs
                     ====================
 
 
Here are 30 familiar sayings in rather unfamiliar language.  To give you
an example of what it's all about, the first one is, "Like father,  like
son."
 
Get it?  Answers supplied below, courtesy of the Ailanthus Tree.
 
 1.  Similar sire, similar scion.
 
 2.  Precipitancy creates prodigality.
 
 3.  Tenants of vitreous abodes ought to hurl no lithohidal fragments.
 
 4.  It is not proper for mendicants to be indicatrous of preferences.
 
 5.  Compute  not  your immature  gallinaceens  prior  to  their  being
     produced.
 
 6.  It is fruitless to become lacrymous because of  scattered  lacteal
     fluid.
 
 7.  Cleave gramineous matter for fodder during the period that the orb
     of the day is refulgent.
 
 8.  A feline possesses the power to contemplate a monarch.
 
 9.  Pulchritude does not extend below the surface of the derma.
 
10.  Failure to be present  causes  the  vital  organ  to  become  more
     enamored.
 
11.  Every article which coruscates is not fashioned from aureate metal.
 
12.  Freedom from guile or fraud constitutes the most  excellent  princ-
     iple of procedure.
 
13.  Each canine passes through his period of per-eminence.
 
14.  Consolidated, you and I maintain  ourselves  erect;  separated, we
     defer to the law of gravity.
 
15.  You cannot  estimate the value of the contents of a bound, printed
     narrative, or record from its exterior vesture.
 
16.  Folks deficient in ordinary judgment  scurringly  enter  areas  on
     which celestial beings dread to set foot.
 
17.  Liquid relish  for  the  female  anserine  fowl is the  individual
     condiment for the male.
 
18.  A feathered creature clasped  in the manual  members is  equal  in
     value to a brace in the bosky growth.
 
19.  The  individual of the class aves, arriving before appointed time,
     seizes the invertebrate animal of the group vermes.
 
20.  Socially orientated individuals tend to congregate in gregariously
     homogeneous groupings.
 
21.  One may address a member  of the  equidae  family  toward  aqueous
     liquid, but one is incapable of impelling him to quaff.
 
22.  Forever  refrain  from  enumerating  the  dental  projection  of a
     bequeathed member of the equidae family.
 
23.  One pyrus  malus per diem restrains the arrival of the hippocratic
     apostle.
 
24.  Fondness for notes of exchange constitutes the tuberous  structure
     of all satanically inspired principles.
 
25.  Supposing one primarily fails to be victorious.  Bend further eff-
     orts in that direction.
 
26.  Prudence and sagacity are  the  worthier  condiments  of  intrepid
     courage.
 
27.  Be adorned with the pedal encasement that gives comfort.
 
28.  He who expresses merriment in finality expresses merriment excell-
     ing either in equal quality.
 
29.  A beholden vessel never exceeds 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
 
30.  A rotating lithohidal fragment never accrues lichen.
 
 
 
Mr. Spock's Proverbs, in human English
--- ------- --------- -- ----- -------
 
1. Like father, like son.
2. Haste makes waste.
3. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
4. Beggars can't be choosers.
5. Don't count your eggs before they're hatched.
6. Don't cry over spilled milk.
7. Make hay while the sun shines.
8. Even a cat may look at a king.
9. Beauty is only skin deep (?)
10. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
11. All that glitters isn't gold.
12. Honesty is the best policy.
13. Every dog has its day.
14. Together we stand, divided we fall.
15. You can't judge a book by its cover.
16. Fools step in where angels fear to tread.
17. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.
18. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
19. The early bird gets the worm.
20. Birds of a feather flock together.
21. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.
22. Do not look a gift horse in the mouth.
23. An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
24. Greed for money is the root of all evil.
25. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
26. Discretion is the better part of vallor.
27. If the shoe fits, wear it.
28. He who laughs last laughs best.
29. A watched pot never boils.
30. A rolling stone gathers no moss.feather flock together.
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
                           NEW OPERATING SYSTEM
                               IBM VU/OS
                        (UCPL030@UNLVM Contributor)
                           ====================
 
 
With increasing demands for faster operating systems, IBM has announced
the Virtual Universe Operating System (VU/OS). Running under VU/OS each
universe in which the programmer signs on can set up or take down prog-
rams, data sets, system networks, personnel and planetary systems.   By
simply specifying the desired  universe  the  VU/OS  system  generation
Program (IEHGOD) does the rest.  This program, resident in SYS1.GODLIB,
requires a minimum of 6 days of activity and 1 day of review.   In con-
junction with VU/OS, all system utilities have  been  replaced  by  one
program IEHPROPHET which resides in SYS1.MESSIAH.  No forms or  control
cards are necessary since the program knows what you want to do when it
is to be executed.
 
Naturally, the user must have attained a certain degree of sophisticat-
ion in the data processing field if an efficient utilization  of  VU/OS
is to be achieved.  Frequent calls to non-resident galaxies, for  inst-
ance, can lead to unexpected delays in the execution of a job. Although
IBM, through its wholly-owned subsidiary, the United States, is working
on a program to upgrade the speed of light and thus reduce the overhead
of extraterrestrial and metadimensional paging, users must  be  careful
for the present to stay within the laws of physics.   VU/OS will run on
any IBM x0xx equipped with Extended  WARP  Feature.  Rental  is  twenty
million dollars per cpu/nanosecond. Micro-code assist will be available
for all odd-numbered processors  to allow the use of non-contiguous CPU
clock times.  This feature will be prerequisite for the  implementation
of the University of Nebraska virtual date package.
 
Users should be aware that IBM plans to migrate  all  existing  systems
and hardware to VU/OS as soon as engineers effect one  output  that  is
(conceptually) error-free.  This will give us a base to develop an even
more powerful operating system, target date 2001,  designated  "Virtual
Reality".  VR/OS  is planned to enable the user to  migrate to  totally
unreal universes.  To aid the user in  identifying  the  difference,  a
linear arrangement of multisensory total records of successive  moments
of now will be established.  Its name will be SYS1.est.
 
For information, call your IBM data processing representative.
 
(Reprinted from the February '80 Rutgers Newsletter)
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
                       My Dog Sex
                       ==========
 
 
 Usually, everyone  who has a dog  either calls him  Rover or
 Boy or  something. I call  mine "Sex".  Well, Sex is  a very
 embarrassing name. One day I took Sex  for a walk and he ran
 away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A cop came
 along and asked  me what I was  doing in this alley  at 4:00
 A.M. I  said, "I'm looking for  Sex." My case comes  up next
 Thursday.
  One day I  went to city Hall to get a  dog licence for Sex.
 The clerk  asked me  what I wanted.  I told  him I  wanted a
 lisence for Sex.  He said, "I would like to  have one, too."
 Then I said, "But this is a dog." And he said he didn't care
 how she looked. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had
 Sex since I  was two years old." He replied,  "You must have
 been a strong boy."
  When I decided  to get married, I told the  minister that I
 wanted to have Sex at the wedding.  He told me to wait until
 after the wedding. I said, "But Sex  played a big part of my
 life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex." He said he
 didn't want  to hear  about my personal  life and  would not
 marry us  in his church. I  told him everyone coming  to the
 wedding would enjoy  having Sex there. The next  day we were
 married by  the Justice  of the Peace.  My family  is barred
 from the church.
  My wife and I took the  dog along with us on the honeymoon.
 When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted
 a room  for my wife  and I and a  special room for  Sex. The
 clerk said that every  room in the motel is for  Sex. Then I
 said, "You don't  understand. Sex keeps me  awake at night."
 And the clerk said, "Me, too."
  One day  I told my friend that  I had Sex on  T.V. He said,
 "Show-off" I  told him  it was a  contest and  he told  me I
 should have sold tickets.
  When my wife and I seperated  we went to court to fight for
 custody of the dog. I said, "Your  honor, I had Sex before I
 was married." And the Judge said. "Me, too." When I told him
 that after I was married Sex left me, he said, "Me, too."
  Well, now I've been thrown  in jail, been married, divorced
 and had more trouble with that  dog than I ever gambled for.
 Why just the other day when I went for my first session with
 the  psychiatrist  and  she  said, "What  seems  to  be  the
 trouble?" I replied,  "Sex died and left my  life. It's like
 losing a best  friend and it's so lonely."  The doctor said,
 "Look Mister, you and I both  know that Sex isn't man's best
 friend- So GET YOURSELF A DOG!!!"
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
 ======<THE HELPFUL HACKERS DIRECTORY OF UNKNOWN SYSTEM COMMANDS>======
             Contributed by the Mad Pirate (RAAQC987@CUNYVM)
 
 
KILL <Account ID> <System>
        The  Kill command  is generally  used to eliminate accounts
        of people  with  higher indexes than you.  A  GPA parameter
        can be added to dictate the maximum allowable index.
 
ADD <Account ID> <System>
        Used to create new accounts on a particular system.
              (No system should be without one!)
 
LULLABYE <System>
        Puts the  system's  CPU  to  sleep for  a minimum  of eight
        hours. For extended snooze time, see the 'CRASH' command.
 
SINK <Account ID> <fn> <ft> (<fm>)
        Erases a file in any  users reader  which has been  shipped
        to them. The TORPEDO  command may also be used in  place of
        SINK.   special  "Import taxes"  may be  levied on the user
        user from their account funds for extra shipping.
 
SNEEZE <Account ID> <fn> <ft> (<fm>)
        Used to scramble other users' files.   One must specify the
        user and the program name to be  sneezed at.  Sneezing at a
        file will scatter it's characters  and diagnostics through-
        out the system. One hacker reports  a single sneeze sending
        fragments of a recipe file  flying  over the French Riviera
        in the vicinity of a remote TRS-80.
 
PUSH <fn> <ft> (<fm>) @location
        Used to rush the printout  of a program.  This command will
        push other user's  programs  queued to be printed aside  so
        as to print yours.  This command  tends  to purge the other
        printouts as well.   (heh heh)
 
SHOVE <fn> <ft> (<fm>) @Location
        When another  hacker  pushes  your  program off the printer
        queue,  shove yours right back on,   and  theirs off!  When
        push comes to shove...
 
INSULT <Account ID> <Fake ID>
        Sends  random insults to a user, but displays its source as
        from the <Fake ID> inputted into the  command.
 
INNUNDATE <Account ID>
        Ships  thousands of  meaningless  reader files  such as 2nd
        grade  multiplication tables and the interior layout of the
        Maytag  dishwasher to  <Account ID>  until  "Disk Full"  is
        achieved.
 
CRASH <System> <System Location>
        Considered a  staple of the hacker's vocabulary,  the crash
        command can  incapacitate a system for a period propotional
        to its integrity.  Vulnerable systems such as VM may be out
        to lunch for weeks while more  "state-of-the-art"  machines
        usually  snap out of it in a  matter  of hours.  Convenient
        for extending due-dates on projects.
 
ASSAULT <System>
        Secretly  sends an extra parity bit into the system.   Said
        bit  sneaks  up behind the  CPU  and  knocks  it senseless,
        robbing  it of its  ROM  in the  process.   Upon  regaining
        consciousness,  the  CPU  discovers its  priveleged  memory
        locations  gone  and  immediately  loses  all  respect  for
        itself causing irreversable I/O damage.  Tough break.
 
IDCRISIS <Hardware>
        Takes a perfectly  good piece of hardware and convinces  it
        that it's  a household  appliance.   Disk  drives  suddenly
        think they're  phonographs causing immediate and brutal (oh
        the pain!) head  crashes.   Video terminals revert to their
        primitive instincts  as television sets and are  determined
        to  innundate the  dizzy user  with laxative,  dress shield
        and  absorbant bladder pad  commercials.  Considered  to be
        one of the more aggressive type of hacker commands.
 
HEEHEE <Account ID>
        Tucks a string of tickle bits into the  current job of  the
        specified  account  number.  Upon  reaching the  RUN STATE,
        the altered job causes the  CPU to experience convulsions &
        uncontrollable  laughter  resulting  in mangled source code
        and  undefined  variables  to  be  spit back into the users
        lap.
 
Note:   'Laughter'  here,  is a  term  used to  identify the  CPU's
        behavior in this  situation which generally consists of the
        re-initialization  of the user's  disk space  and reduction
        of account priority to -4000.
 
BUSY2NITE? <Account ID> <Desp. Val.> (<Gift>)
        Sends a pickup line  to the specified Account Id  or to all
        members of uniform sex  by replacing the parameter with 'F'
        or 'M'.  The  desperation  value  (0 - 10)  results  in the
        issuance of  messages ranging from "Busy to night?" to "Say
        yes or I'll gargle with Clorox".   Options are available to
        send flowers or a box of candy.
 
SPIN <'On','Off'>
        Shades of the twilight zone!  'Spin'  causes all disks that
        connected into the  system to suddenly start spinning away.
        Not very constructive  (or destructive), but it sure scares
        the hell out of the system employees.
 
AGE <Hardware,System>
        The age command will  suddenly convince a piece of hardware
        or a system that it has  gone obsolete and will be replaced
        next week by a more  'state of the art' machine.  As  panic
        begins to spread throughout the system,  the CPU may become
        unpredictably irritable and will  purge  all  inbound jobs,
        while at the same time inform the  systems liasons  that it
        has gone down and will not run  another process until it is
        assured better job security.
 
note:   this  command  only works  with  newer  systems since older
        systems  (+ 2 years)  already have tenure.  i.e. sigma 7
 
CHPOL <Policy>
        One of the most powerful of hacker  commands,  CHPOL allows
        one to change the  current  policy  used  for selection  of
        the next job.  Policy options are as follows:
 
FIFO (First-In-First-Out) :    Good  for the  early  birds  amongst
                               us.
 
FILO (First-In-Last-Out)  :    This'll  teach  those   goody-goodys
                               a lesson!
 
CGFO (Closest Guess First Out) :
                               Whom ever  guesses  closest  to  the
                               number the CPU was thinking  of goes
                               next.
 
SJN (Shortest Job Next)   :    Tends to favor CS10 students.
 
SNN (Shortest Name Next)  :    The  user  with  the  shortest  name
                               goes next.
 
LJN (Largest Job Next)    :    Tends to  favor  programs with a lot
                               of comments.
 
LBN (Largest Bribe Next)  :    Tends to  favor users  with a lot of
                               dough.
 
SN (Shortest Next) :           Users enter  their height,  shortest
                               goes next.
 
RR (Round Robin)   :           Each  job   runs  for  a  set   time
                               quantum.   If  time  runs out,  user
                               goes to the back of the line.
 
RK (Round Kvetch)  :           Jobs  run  for  a set time  quantum.
                               If time  runs out,  user must  go to
                               the  back  of  the line  but  if  he
                               kvetches  the life out of the CPU he
                               will be granted additional time.
 
LN (Largest Next)  :           User must enter  his / her weight at
                               compile time.
 
TTTNY (Tomorrow Today, Today Next Year) :
                               Reverses  current  policy  such that
                               low  priority jobs  run  immediately
                               high priority jobs are well-aged.
 
FFA (Free-For-All) :           Users slug it out in the I- building
                               for next job.
 
NJN (No Jobs Next) :           Operating system's on  vacation. Try
                               next month.
 
===================================================================
 
PUNCH <Account ID>
        This  seemingly  typical   (i.e. Punch <fn> <ft> (<fm>)  To
        <Account ID>)  and  "harmless" command is perhaps  the most
        accidentally used.  The  Punch command  sends  a  stream of
        unintelligable  characters  to the user.  The  CPU,  seeing
        this and realizing that it can't cope with such  disasters,
        immediately disconnects said user.
 
          (Ever wonder why your friend was suddenly disconnected?)
 
        This command is also useful when  being  harrassed  by,  or
        for harassing, other users.
 
BUG <Account ID>
        The bug command  is used  to listen in to messages  sent to
        and from said User ID.  The messages are placed  in  a file
        called  "Stolen Messages A",   which is  especially  fun to
        read late at night or aloud at parties.
 
BLACKOUT <System>
        Timed two hours after being inputted into the  system,  the
        blackout command will sneak up behind an  unsuspecting  CPU
        and clobber it with a large I/O  request.   Upon  reviving,
        the CPU will discover most of it's  storage area  gone  and
        may have to spend several years with a computer analyst  so
        that it may fully recover all it's lost memories.
 
DRAIN <System>
        Electric bills getting you down?  Kvetch no more!   "Drain"
        taps in to the  system's power source and links on  to your
        main power line. Good for  recharging your  car  battery or
        just plain vaccuuming chores.
 
Note:   Do not use to power computer to logon to  system  or  power
        will travel  back in a loop and  blow up  parts  of several
        buildings.
 
PTOOEY <@Location>
        The Ptooey command automatically diverts all  printouts  to
        the location specified. The printer operator will  suddenly
        be overwhelmed with  thousands of  outputs  pouring  out of
        the printers. This command has been  known to  bury  entire
        buildings and should  only  be used by  extremely disturbed
        individuals.
 
Hog <System>
        'Hog'  causes  the  operating  system  to  allow only  your
         programs into the  system.   Great  when running processes
         with infinite loops. All other jobs  will be deemed "Non -
         Specific Error in Line 1" just to  confuse everyone else.
 
Shock <Operator/Liason>
        Send a  high voltage  power surge  to  the terminal of your
        favorite  Systems Operator.  This command  can  have varied
        results depending upon the terminal the  operator/liason is
        using.  A cheap terminal may simply  freeze in  mid-screen,
        while a more expensive terminals may go into complete shock
        and  fry all the  programs  on  the  public disk.  And more
        exclusively expensive terminals have been known  to explode
        rather suddenly, and without warning...
 
Freak <Account Id>
        Ever wanna freak out those users who know more than you do?
        The freak command causes error messages at said  Account Id
        for the most routine commands.
 
Examples are:
 
Command:          Message:
-------           -------
Wpascal fn     -  What's wrong?   You can't  read  Pascal yourself,
                  Error!
 
Show Balance   -  What do you think I am?  An acrobat?... Error!
 
Exec fn ft     -  Why should I?  Error!
 
File           -  Am I your secretary? Error!
 
Dirm PW        -  What's da matter?   You can't speak good english?
                  Error!
 
Flake <Account Id> <On/Off>
        Sends random bit streams to said Account Id's terminal. The
        longer the  command is in effect,  the more  'SNOW'  (Those
        (those annoying white dots of  static  which cloud up cheap
        terminals)  that will  appear  falling from the  top of the
        screen.   Makes terminals  look like those  shake and  snow
        scenes.
 
CREATIVACCOUNT <Account Id/Liason/Operator>
        Adjust account funds and balances with this helpful command.
 
LOGLIA
        Liason denied you more funds?   I-Building worker lost your
        output?   Loglia automatically logs off all liasons, system
        employees and all other members of high authority that have
        given you trouble in the past.
 
 
Compiled by:   RAAQC161 & TIGQC318
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
                           NutWorks Staff
                           ==============
 
 Editor in Chief           Lenny aka Spock        CALBC821 @ CUNYVM
 Assistant Editor          Scott aka Orion        CSCSRH   @ CCNYVME
 Distribution Manager      Alan  aka Alan         Alan     @ NCSUVM
 Distribution FORUM        Steve aka Segger       STEVE    @ BITNIC
 
 
