Û         Û                       [MiLK]                          Û         Û
Û         Û                                                       Û         Û
Û         Û       Mighty                     Issue #11            Û         Û
Û²²²²²²²²²Û       illicit                "SuperMarket Sweep"      Û²²²²²²²²²Û
Û²²²²²²²²²Û       Liquid                      By Epic             Û²²²²²²²²²Û
Û²²²²²²²²²Û       Kollections                                     Û²²²²²²²²²Û
Û²²²²²²²²²Û                                                       Û²²²²²²²²²Û
ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ                                                       ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ
 
        I tend to generally avoid television, perferring instead to gain my
pleasure from computer systems, substance abuse, music, and steamy cooter. 
But there have been times when I have flipped on the beast to see if there 
was "anything good on" (actually I was hoping to catch a glimpse of Fabio, 
but he doesn't appear much). One show that caught my eye was the wholly 
remarkable, "Supermarket Sweep", which can be viewed on Lifetime television, 
or by sticking the co-axial cable directly into your brain. The second method 
provides a crisper image, but not the hi-fidelity audio that I'm sure your 
television has. Take your pick.

        Anyway, here is the premise of the show : A obviously homosexual 
male (the host) asks three teams lots of stupid questions about food. The 
three teams consist of two people each, usually husband and wife, or 
relatives. I prefer to watch the relatives, because they smile more than the 
married couples. "Price Is Right" regulars of the 80's should do very well
with the questions on Supermarket Sweep, because they are quite similar 
(I know when I was a young lad I would feign illness just to see Bob Barker 
drool over his co-hosts, and to see a round of Plinko, but that's a whole 
'nother text file). For each stupid question the contestants answer correctly, 
they get 10 extra seconds of esctasy in the "sweep". This really fun thing 
will be explained in the following paragraph, which you may read at your 
leisure.

        Well, that's the first part of the show. You might as well just skip 
that part, because it's no fun. There's no excitement, no blood, not even 
partial frontal nudity. The party kicks into overdrive during the second half 
of the show, the "sweep". Using the time limits imposed by the contestants' 
performance in the first round, they get to run around a big supermarket, and 
just throw whatever they find into their cart. The contestants seem to fly 
around the supermarket pretty fast in their quest to gain food items; I know 
when I go shopping I can't manipulate my three-wheeled cart nearly as fast 
as these daredevils. They are only allowed five (5) of each type of food 
item, so this makes their duty a bit more difficult. Favorite items to obtain 
seem to be diapers, turkeys, and metamucil (gotta stay regular). The 
contestants fill their cart full of the desired items, and then rush back to 
the check-out counter to get another cart, and do it all over again, until 
their time limit expires. 

        This seems pretty simple, and it is, but there are "special" things 
to add to the excitement, and of course, the fun. (Special things add a lot 
to any occasion. Try them next groundhog's day, or at a wedding) Giant 
plastic representations of food items are placed strategically around the 
store, and add extra value to your shopping load. (This part of the show is 
the most fun, seeing a can of root beer 5 feet tall is reason enough to tune
in every day). 

        When the time has expired, the contestants return to the check-out 
counter, and the total value of the food is figured out during a commerical 
break. The team with the highest value wins the game and goes to play a 
special bonus thingy, which doesn't look like very much fun.

        That is the entire show. Not too exciting is it? Well, no, not 
really, but it's just about the best thing you are ever going to find on TV. 
And even if the show does suck, YOU took the time to even read a little essay 
on it (this puppy here), so the show can't be much worse. If you can find 
anything more constructive to do with your time than watch TV (write a novel, 
feed the homeless, or destroy a third world country), please do so. If not, 
be sure to tune into Supermarket Sweep.

        Well, I hope you enjoyed this informative look at one of the most 
intriguing programs of our time. Next file I'll try not to use as many big 
words. It makes it hard for the translators, you see. Unless you are blind. 
Then maybe you can "C". As always, eat your vitamins. But stay away from 
minerals, they may chip your teeth, requiring extensive dental work, and we 
all know, if you had enough money to afford extensive dental work, you'd 
probably be getting that root canal you've always wanted instead of reading 
this. So, happy trails, and remember, if we don't look good, then we sure 
hope you don't either.  
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[MiLK] Sights - Barney's Pleasure Palace!       (708)965-3098
                The Lunatic Phringe             (708)232-0565
                
[MiLK] Member Listing -         James Hetfield
                                Nyarlathotep
                                Epic
                                Plaid Wilderbeast

[MiLK] Issue Number -   12
[MiLK] Issue Size -     5715 Bytes
[MiLK] Date of Production:      2/20/93
                       
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