
 '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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  ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #278 !!
  #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS!  !!
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  ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Smart Bomb"                             !!
  ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Seaya                              !!
 ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/9/98                                  !!
 !!========================================================================!!

	Dr. John Vas Deferens worked at the Pentagon as a military
 intelligence specialist. He thought of ways to minimize security risk and
 promote peace through the development of bigger, better, and faster
 weapons. He loved his job. He enjoyed the hours, the prestige, and most of
 all the fact that he was bringing about World Peace.

	Vas Deferens went into work that Monday morning with anticipation
 of his weekly duty of weapons inspection. He would once again be able to
 walk down the long assembly lines of nuclear cruise missiles and pat them
 fondly. It was amazing the power in those long cylinders of potency. He
 remembered with drooling delight the first time he saw footage of a
 nuclear bomb exploding, its divine mushroom shape billowing out in
 celebration of a new life, a new world being born.

	But before he could engage in the pleasures of missile patting,
 Vas Deferens had a crucial meeting to attend. It seems there weren't
 enough boots and helmets for each of the units. Units were a fancy
 military term for individual soldiers. Calling them units reminded them
 that war had many grave consequences. After every war, for instance,
 there were never enough supplies for each of the remaining units due to
 the damaging nature of bullets on clothes and the tendency of helmets and
 boots to be captured by the enemy along with the units. He shuddered at
 the thought of such a loss of military property. They were strapped for
 cash as it was, with the politicians in Washington diverting half the
 defense budget to entitlement programs like education, Medicare, road
 construction, and blueberry research in Maine. Didn't they know that they
 were impeding the process of peacemaking through the balance of power?
 The only way to uphold World Peace was a with a well stocked army.

	The news of the meeting was worse than he had thought.  Millard
 Fillmore AFB had only 500 uniforms, 300 pairs of boots, and 650 helmets
 for 2000 units. This was a crucial base which housed a new experimental
 plane which was equipped with the ability to sustain units for four years
 in outer space just in case it became necessary to abandon the earth as a
 hopeless dead planet. This was a reality they all had to face. One
 couldn't be too prepared for nuclear holocaust. It was a possible outcome
 of military action in the 21st century. And nowadays one never knew who
 this threat could come from. Backward countries like India and Pakistan
 had now developed the bomb. This world was becoming dangerous! It was
 necessary to support nuclear disarmament the world over. But how could
 they do such a thing if the government would not fund their research on
 the future of war?

	After the meeting Vas Deferens made his escape to the missile
 room. as he walked in the missile polishers were just finishing up their
 morning shift and getting ready to go to lunch. When they left he was at
 last alone with his creations -- state of the art WXX-251 missiles
 complete with a satellite guided targeting system, retractable gliders,
 and three nuclear warheads! They came in 12 unnatural and arousing colors,
 designed by Vas Deferens himself to the great approval of General Mugwump
 himself. The missiles gleamed in the brilliant yellow industrial lighting,
 twinkling their welcome to Vas Deferens. he went to his favorite missile,
 the "deluxe" model which included a mechanism by which it grew into twice
 its size in the air on the way to the target. He pushed a button and
 watched the missile grow. He looked around to see if there was anyone
 looking. The clock said 12:15. Lunch was over in 15 minutes, so he had
 about an hour or so until the polishers returned to the warehouse. He
 then pushed another button and the missile moved into launch position,
 about a 45 degree angle from the missile pad on which it lay. He put one
 leg over the missile and jumped up, straddling its round shaft and
 marveling as if for the first time at its enormous size and power. He
 imagined riding on the missile as it sailed gracefully through enemy
 skies on its way to destroy a crucial telecommunications net near a rural
 third world village. The missile would adjust its course by command of
 the satellite and thrust toward the waiting target. The collateral damage
 alone would be devastating. He yelped in delight at the thought of such
 scientific accuracy. Vas Deferens quickly dismounted from the missile as
 he heard footsteps approaching in the hallway.

	It was Ms. Serina Green, the Georgetown University graduate who
 had just joined their unit supply data unit. She had graduated with a
 dual major in English and Computer Science and had been hired by claiming
 to know more about programming than she really did. Ms. Green had found it
 hard to blend in with the Pentagon culture. She drank espresso rather than
 good old American coffee. She didn't watch football, but preferred soccer.
 She didn't have the proper security clearance to be working in the unit
 supply data unit, so she had to have one of the staff accompany her every
 time she left her office space. Private Latrine was with her now, leaning
 against the door of the missile chamber with a look of bored disgust on
 his face. private Latrine had had to accompany Ms. Green to the bathroom
 one too many times that day after she had eaten a bad batch of chili from
 the Pentagon Cafeteria. Vas Deferens frowned as he saw her walk in. She
 made him feel really uncomfortable. Last time they spoke she had had the
 audacity to insinuate that the destruction of units was actually the
 destruction of human beings and that they should think of it as such! The
 nerve!

	"Ah! There you are Dr. Vas Deferens!" she exclaimed as her eyes
 darted back and forth nervously over the contents of the warehouse, in
 particular at the very provocative positioning of the deluxe missile
 system. Vas Deferens cleared his throat and responded hastily, "Yes, what
 is it Ms. Green, I'm on a tight schedule."

        "Well, " she started tentatively, " um... I had a question."

	"Yes, what is your question. If it is about matter of military
 terminology I can help you understand it..." he offered.

	"Well, actually, it's about the cup holder mechanism on the
 computer. It's bent and won't retract," she explained frantically. Vas
 Deferens watched the veins pop out of her slim white neck as she spoke
 and realized suddenly that she was beautiful.

	"Oh, yeah. I hate it when that happens. They just don't make cup
 holders like they used to. Ask Private Latrine to replace yours, he
 replaced mine just a week ago. I think I might need a new one soon."

	Private Latrine smacked himself in the forehead in frustration and
 muttered under his breath, "Damned fucking computer illiterate bastards.
 This is the fifth CD-ROM this month alone."

	"What was that Private?" Vas Deferens asked with a raised eyebrow.

	"I said I'd get right on it, sir." he responded cautiously.

        "Good. Now if you'll excuse me I am just finishing up with my
 missile inspection duties Ms. Green and I'll leave you to Private
 Latrine here."

	"Thank you for all your help Dr. Vas Deferens." she responded with
 her cute sideways smile. As she and Private Latrine exited Vas Deferens
 reached out and pinched her butt for good luck. She squealed in surprise
 and scampered quickly down the hall to report him to the office of
 workplace misconduct, with Private Latrine in tow. Vas Deferens for his
 part, took his mind off women and turned to the deluxe missile system. He
 pushed the retracting button and patted the missile repeatedly as it went
 back into storage position.

 !!========================================================================!!
 !!    (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #278 - WRITTEN BY: SEAYA - 11/9/98    !!
