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*****NUMBERS 131 TO 135***********BY DANIEL BOWEN (tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)*****

"Bastard Toxic Custard"

              ..      ___       ..
               |        /        |                 18th January 1993
          TOXIC| CUSTARD\WORKSHOP|FILES         written by Daniel Bowen
               |      \_/        |

               Y o u r   c h a n c e   t o   v o t e   f o r
     B  A  S  T  A  R  D    O  F    T  H  E    Y  E  A  R    1  9  9  2

Nominations for the Toxic Custard BASTARD OF THE YEAR 1992 have now closed. A
quick note: not one woman was nominated! We could have wangled Bitch Of The
Year, you know. I mean, even the abbreviation is the same.
    Two people were nominated three times, which I guess makes them *real*
bastards. But are they up to being Bastard Of The Year? We'll see.
    Anyway, the following bastards were nominated (in order of nomination):

 a) EVERY SINGLE COMBATANT IN THE YUGOSLAVIAN/SERBIAN/BOSNIAN CONFLICT. These
    bastards have been at each others' throats for months now, and aren't
    particularly worried about the death and destruction they cause, just as
    long as those damned <insert opposition ethnic group here> don't take
    control of more rubble than they do. This, like most ethnic conflicts,
    has its origins hundreds and hundreds of years ago, and probably began
    over a disputed tree.

 b) PATRICK BUCHANAN. This presidential hopeful bastard surprised no-one by
    not even getting nominated. But that's what happens when you run on a
    bigotry ticket.

 c) ROBIN LEACH. This bastard compere of "Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous"
    spends his life looking at rich people's home(s). Which makes him little
    more than a glorified TV real estate agent. Need I say more?

 d) GEORGE BUSH (Nominated thrice). This bastard has now been in charge of
    the United States for the past four years, and yet his most memorable
    achievements are sticking up two fingers to the locals while touring
    Australia, and throwing up all over the Japanese Prime Minister. George's
    hobbies including hunting small animals, ordering subordinates to spank
    Saddam (see nominee g.), and giving awards to Ronald Reagan (for
    what?!?). Don't be too hard on George, he's getting evicted from his
    house in a a couple of days. George is currently trying to win a bet that
    he can have Iraq attacked 10 times in his last week in office.

 e) J. DANFORTH QUAYLE. This one isn't just a bastard, he's a *stupid*
    bastard. When not making a complete dickhead of himself in public, the
    Vice-President of the United States enjoys sleeping. Like his boss,
    Danforth, who frequently forgets the last five letters of his name, is
    getting the boot in a couple of days.

 f) PAUL KEATING. The Prime Minister of Australia for about a year and a half
    now, this bastard has managed to crap on about how he didn't cause this
    economic hole we're now in, how he's working on building a ladder to get
    us out, and how the opposition just want to dig a deeper hole. *And*, he
    groped the Queen last year.

 g) SADDAM HUSSEIN. Saddam, having been utterly crushed in 1991 by the Forces
    Of Good (tm), continued his bastard activities, generally making
    threatening speeches on the telly in his moustache. Rumour has it that
    what is really making him angry is not the Allied forces, but the
    terrible reception on Baghdad television. Saddam should not be confused
    with his cousin, who bought his moustache from the same supplier, as did
    half the men in Iraq. Saddam was recently spanked, but claims it didn't
    hurt a bit. He also says he's started a cruise missile collection.

 h) RUSH LIMBAUGH. Well, he sounds like a bastard, but we've never heard of
    him. Lucky us, eh?

 i) JEFFREY KENNETT (Nominated thrice). Jeff is our new bastard premier here
    in the state of Victoria. Despite being the biggest political dickhead in
    living memory (well, at least in *my* living memory), he managed to get
    elected last October. His government's achievements since then have
    included great steps forward for education (schools closed), advances for
    industrial harmony (tens of thousands of workers protesting in the
    streets) and environmental gains (cutbacks to public transport and the
    EPA, and proposed freeway extensions). And he's just been voted "Man Most
    Likely To Have A Hitler Moustache Painted On His Portrait".

 j) JAMES "KIBO" PARRY (Nominated by himself). Kibo, constant bastard
    tormentor of that cute little doggy Spot, leader of Kibologists
    everywhere, and keeper of the longest .signature file on the net, has
    decided to nominate himself. His main achievement is being one of the
    only TCWF readers to have *two* newsgroups named after him.

 k) JOHN HEWSON. This bastard arch-enemy of Paul Keating (see f.), if elected
    as the next Australian Prime Minister, would like to reward us all by
    adding 15% to the price of everything we buy. Dr Hewson (a doctor of
    Bastardry at Prick University) will very kindly exempt food (after being
    talked into it), and cut existing taxes on petrol (which should do
    wonders for air pollution).

 l) THE LITTLE GREEN MEN WHO KEEP INTERFERING WITH MODEM CONNECTIONS
    WORLDWIDE. These bastards are all members of the Anti-Computer League,
    and enjoy fiddling with our computers, in an effort to piss us off
    constantly. Most of them are employed by telephone companies.

 m) DANIEL BOWEN. This bastard allegedly clogs up the net with his custardish
    ramblings every week. Actually, if you ever have the misfortune to meet
    him, you'll find he's a very nice person, and not at all deserving of
    this award. Besides which, he's running the vote, and will ensure that he
    doesn't win.

 n) JEREMY BEADLE. Either you've heard of this bastard or you haven't. And if
    you haven't, lucky you.

 o) INSPECTOR UNNECESSARY-VIOLENCE. The bastard Inspector, when told of his
    nomination, said "I'm fucking honoured", before continuing laying into a
    little old lady he'd just arrested with a machete he happened to be
    carrying at the time. The Inspector works for the Australian Royal
    Security Establishment, under the guise of law enforcement.


So, there we have it. Fifteen nominees for the title of Bastard Of The Year
1992. And now it's your chance to vote for the individual in this list whom
you consider to be worthy of the title of Bastard Of The Year. You may only
vote once (bummer, eh?), and only for ONE of the nominees. To vote, reply to
this mail, or mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu, either including the name of the
nominee, or the letter code from the list above.
    All votes must be received by THURSDAY, 28th OF JANUARY, 1993. The
results will be announced in TCWF 133, in two weeks. Vote now!! Your vote is
your voice!! The bastard is your choice!! And I've never read James Joyce!!
So VOTE!!!
   ^^^^

    Daniel Bowen
    Bastard returning officer.
    Bastard Of The Year votes - send now to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Just another Toxic Custard"


   #######         #######         ###         #######    TOXIC     CUSTARD
   #     #  #####  # # # #  #####  # #  #####  #     #    WORKSHOP    FILES
   ### ###  #      # # # #  #      # #      #  ##### #
   ### ###  #      # # # #  ###    # #   ####  #     #    Number        132
   ### ###  #      # # # #  #      # #      #  # #####    25th January 1993
   ### ###  #####  #     #  #      # #  #####  #     #    by  Daniel  Bowen
---#######---------#######---------###---------#######------------------------

TOXIC CUSTARD *BASTARD OF THE YEAR* (BOTY) 1992.                              I
Voting closes this Thursday, 28th of January. So if you haven't voted
yet, for fuck's sake; yes, for the sake of fuck, make up your mind and        h
forward your vote NOW! As a reminder, the nominees were: (a) everyone         e
in the Yugoslavian conflict, (b) Patrick Buchanan, (c) Robin Leach,           a
(d) George Bush, (e) Dan Quayle, (f) Paul Keating, (g) Saddam Hussein,        r
(h) Rush Limbaugh, (i) Jeff Kennett, (j) James Parry, (k) John Hewson,
(l) the people who interfere with everyone's modem connections,               p
(m) Daniel Bowen, (n) Jeremy Beadle, and (o) Inspector Unnecessary-           e
Violence. VOTE NOW! Full results, along with largely useless and              o
doubtful statistical analysis of voting trends, will be released next         p
week.                                                                         l
                                                                              e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
                                                                              w
WAITER: Have you finished with that sir?                                      e
                                                                              r
DINER: What?                                                                  e

WAITER: Only I notice you haven't eaten much in the past few minutes,         q
        and there's a gentleman on table four who would like the same         u
        dish.                                                                 e
                                                                              u
DINER: Well, I errm..                                                         e
                                                                              i
WAITER: Thank you sir. Now, can I get you any dessert?                        n
                                                                              g
DINER: Erm.. Yes, perhaps I could have a serving of chocolate mousse?
                                                                              f
WAITER: Ah.. no sir, I don't think so. Guess again sir.                       o
                                                                              r
DINER: Well, why not?
                                                                              h
WAITER: I'm afraid, sir, that the lady on table six hasn't quite              o
        finished eating the chocolate mousse, and this being a                u
        Wednesday, there isn't another on the premises.                       r
                                                                              s
DINER: Now just wait a cotton-picking minute. Do you mean to tell me
       that you share the food around the different people?                   a
                                                                              t
WAITER: Well, yes sir. It's a new recyclable food strategy we've
        introduced as an attempt to help save our world, sir. I'm sure        a
        you couldn't possibly argue with that.
                                                                              C
DINER: Well, err, no, I guess not...                                          l
                                                                              i
WAITER: Good. So, would sir care to await the imminent arrival of the         n
        chocolate mousse, or would sir care to select another dessert?        t
                                                                              o
DINER: Look, surely this isn't sanitary. I mean, anyone could be              n
       passing germs to anyone else.
                                                                              I
WAITER: Did sir spot any lethal germs on his roast steak?                     n
                                                                              a
DINER: Well no, of course not.                                                u
                                                                              g
WAITER: There you are then.                                                   u
                                                                              r
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -       a
                                                                              t
MR POPSICLE RETURNS - Part 12                                                 i
                                                                              o
Mr Popsicle and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence of the Australian Royal        n
Security Establishment had taken over the case of the Great Truck
Robbery. And, to this end, they took the truckload of police documents        s
back to headquarters and began to wade through them in gumboots, after        h
pouring them all out over the floor. It turned out to be the biggest          o
mistake since someone set up a mass blind date between the Perverts'          p
Society and Nymphomaniacs Anonymous. They discovered that the wading          .
screwed up the files completely, and so asked their boss to organise          .
for a buildingsworth of secretaries to come and sort everything out
again.                                                                        H
    While this was going on, Popsicle and the Inspector decided to            e
re-interview one of the only suspects, one Jake McGiggin, at his home.        '
The Inspector was pretty mad at not receiving any votes in the Bastard        s
Of The Year election, and was showing it very well. Rather than knock
on McGiggin's door, or even knock it down with a big hammer, the              s
Inspector head-butted it open, before entering, smashing ornaments with       t
his truncheon, and shooting the parrot.                                       a
    He then ran into the loungeroom, picked up McGiggin by the nose and       r
pushed him against the wall, so that Popsicle could interview him.            t
    "Hello Jake. We'd like to discuss a few things. That okay?"               e
    McGiggin nodded, with a great deal of difficulty.                         d
    "You wanna tell me about the robbery?"
    McGiggin muttered something very nasal, and the Inspector lowered         t
him back onto the floor, before wiping his fingers on the sofa.               u
    "Yeah... yeah... " said McGiggin, trying to catch his breath, and         r
unstretch his nostrils. "It wasn't me, I swear... but I can't tell you        n
who... they'd kill me..."                                                     i
    Popsicle had heard this line so many times it wasn't funny anymore.       n
In fact, it hadn't been very amusing the first time he'd heard it. Like       g
someone who rejects a lot of Mormons, Popsicle had a standard "I'm not
interested in religion"-style line to answer this. And it was:                t
    "Oh yeah? Well maybe I'll let Inspector Unnecessary-Violence do           h
that right here and now to save time?"                                        e
    This was the Inspector's cue to move forward threateningly, and it
worked a treat, as usual.                                                     U
    "All right, all right! It was the Whelans. The Whelan brothers.           S
Okay?"
    "Okay", replied Popsicle. "Have a nice day."                              i
                                                                              n
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                 t
That's all for this week. If you haven't                                      o
voted, vote. And whether you have or haven't,
check out the results in next week's TCWF!                                    R
Back-issues are available; reply to this, or                                  u
send mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu                                              s
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                      !ydaerla ais
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen.
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |            Coming soon...
Melbourne, Australia------------|                                 ,
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----|       T  H  E    C  L  I  C  H  E
B.O.T.Y '92: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu|     F   R   O   M     H   E   L   L

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Toxic Custard's been Jeffed!"


                      I am surprised, though delighted
                     to announce that the winner of the
                    Toxic Custard International Bastard
                       Of The Year award for 1992 is

                    J  E  F  F       K  E  N  N  E  T  T
                    ----------       -------------------

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~       ~~      ~~ ~~~~~~~ ~      ~ ~~     ~~~~     ~~~~~TOXIC CUSTARD~~~~~~~~
~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~ ~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~~WORKSHOP FILES~~~~~
~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~  ~~~~~~~  ~~~~~1st February 1993~~~~
~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~     ~~ ~ ~~~~~ ~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~Written by~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~ ~~~~~      ~~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~     ~~~~     ~~~~~~~Daniel Bowen~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yes, that's right. Jeff Kennett, facing incredible opposition from a
range of international bastards, has managed to pull off this award.
Despite being unknown by the majority of voters, he still managed to
beat such outstanding bastards as Saddam Hussein and (shock!) Jeremy
Beadle. Shit, I didn't even need to rig the counting! Before we go into
a whole range of dubious ANALyses of the voting, here are the complete
results, with loads of useless footnotes:

RANK(1)     NOMINEE                                                       VOTES
1st         Jeff Kennett, bastard premier of the state of Victoria        15(2)
2nd         Saddam Hussein, bastard Iraqi leader                          13
3rd         Yugoslavia fighters, bastard thoughtless violent people       12
4rd         Rush Limbaugh, right-wing US broadcasting bastard             10
5th         George Bush, ex-President bastard of the United States         6.5
6th         Paul Keating, Australian Prime Ministerial bastard             6
Equal 7th   Pat Buchanan, bastard US Republican presidential hopeless      5
            James "Kibo" Parry, bastard Usenet Kibology zealot             5(3)
            Modem saboteurs, bastard green men who kill our connections    5
Equal 10th  Daniel Bowen, quite nice author of Toxic Custard               *(4)
            Jeremy Beadle, smug bastard of British telly                   4
12th        Dane Quaylee, bastard ex-Vice President                        3.5
Equal 13th  Robin Leach, bastard rich and famous crawler                   3(5)
            John Hewson, bastard Australian opposition leader              3
15th        Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, fictional police bastard       1(6)
                                                                         ----
                                                      TOTAL               96
(1) Very rank, in fact.
(2) At the time of going to press (well, going to keyboard), the latest
    great thing this bastard's government has decided to do is cut back
    on the Transport Accident Commission's graphic and highly effective
    road safety campaign, which is largely credited with bringing down        S
    the state road toll. The money spent in saving so many lives and          o
    injuries has been described as "extravagant" by Kennett's                 m
    government. (This information supplied for the benefit of readers         e
    outside Australia, who may be miffed that they haven't even heard         o
    of this award winning Bastard Of The Year.)                               n
(3) Which must be a huge blow to his ego.                                     e
(4) Not telling. Actually I'm quite insulted and rather upset to be
    this high up in the table. *sniffle*. Just wait though. Those             s
    people who voted for me had better watch out, or they'll find             u
    themselves getting 2600 volts up their fingers the next time they         g
    login.                                                                    g
(5) He's one bastard who will never darken my doorway, that's for sure.       e
(6) And boy, is he mad. He wanted to win.                                     s
                                                                              t
And now for the B.O.T.Y. STATISTICAL ANALYSIS - a bunch of quick facts        e
designed to use up space and prove that my calculator works:                  d

- The number of votes per country (according to my guessing of email          t
      addresses, anyway..) was as follows:                                    h
             United States        48   (50.0%)                                i
             Australia            30   (31.2%)                                s
             United Kingdom        6   ( 6.2%)
             Canada                3   ( 3.1%)                                v
             New Zealand           2   ( 2.1%)                                e
             Other                 7   ( 7.3%)                                r
- 47% of Australians voted for Jeff Kennett. Which shows just *how            t
      much* of a bastard he must be, doesn't it? All the votes but one        i
      for Jeff came from Australia. The other voter said he voted for         c
      him because he *sounded* like a bastard.                                a
- all of Rush Limbaugh's votes came from North America                        l
- 66% of Britons voted for Jeremy Beadle. All of his votes came from
      the UK. I don't think they like him very much.                          b
                                                                              i
A final note from the Bastard Of The Year election. I'd love to show          t
you all picture of the winning bastard, Jeff Kennett, but I can't get
hold of a scanner and/or a GIF of him. It would be worth it, believe          g
me, because he even *looks* like a bastard. If anyone can help here,          o
I'd be obliged...
                                                                              z
                                                                              i
Daniel Bowen                                                                  g
Bastard Returning Officer                                                     -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -       z
                                                                              a
I've got this great idea... we get some alcohol, a few chairs and             g
tables, we let everyone come in to chat, or sit outside breathing in          ,
carbon-monoxide, and then we mix them drinks and charge them $6 a
glass!                                                                        b
                                                                              u
$6 EACH?!                                                                     t

Well, more if we can get away with it.                                        I

OH COME ON, NO-ONE WOULD PAY THAT. $6 FOR A DRINK?!                           d
                                                                              e
No, honest. We'd make a packet.                                               c
                                                                              i
AND WHAT WOULD YOU CALL THIS SCAM?                                            d
                                                                              e
Well, people are so stupid.. let's have a laugh at them, emphasise            d
their stupidity in a subtle way.. let's see.. anyone who falls for this
would be a dickhead... dick... head... cock is a synonym for dick...          m
and head.. hmm.. I know, like a coin, heads/tails... cock and tail.           y
Cocktail!
                                                                              b
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                r
No room for Popsicle this week; he returns                                    a
next week, along with Inspector Unnecessary-                                  i
Violence, and all the gang. Until then, have          st, not this week.      n
fun! Back-issues are available; reply to              a
this, or mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details.        el tA .ti eldnah t'ndluoc
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1992.5 Daniel Bowen. We're getting into '93. Eventually.
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University-|   (It's    |-ytisrevinU hsanoM ,newoB leinaD
Melbourne, Australia------------|  all done  |------------ailartsuA ,enruobleM
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----|    with    |----ua.ude.hsanom.cc.oyoy.leinad
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-------|  mirrors)  |-------ude.tim.ia.ung@fwct :FWCT

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Why bother with Toxic Custard?"


========  //==  ..    ..  .=====  ..   ====   // ..Toxic Custard Workshop Files
   ||    //     ||    ||  ||      ||    _//  //__||  Written by Daniel Bowen
   ||    \\     ||    ||  ||===   ||     \\      ||    8th February 1993
   ||     \\==   \\/\//   ||      ||   \_//      ||

WHY DID THEY BOTHER...
                                                                              A
- to do that woosy new version of Layla?                                      n
                                                                              o
- to upset the status quo by "discovering" Mr Snuffleupugus (or however       t
you spell it)?                                                                h
                                                                              e
- to make a new series of Phoenix when all the swearing is going to be        r
bleeped?
                                                                              c
- making the anniversary of Christ's crucifixion at a different time          a
every year?                                                                   r
                                                                              e
- to replace Caroline Chisholm with the Queen on the $5 note when she's       f
already on every fucking coin?                                                r
                                                                              e
- to put a James Dean clone in that McDonald's ad? It would have been         e
just as cool without him.                                                     ,

- to hard-wire the snow lights on every Volvo sold in Australia?              f
                                                                              r
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -       e
                                                                              e
MR POPSICLE RETURNS - Part 13                                                 ,

Popsicle and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence now had a target for their        l
investigations into the Great Truck Robbery. The Whelan brothers, some        a
more notorious gangsters, well known to police for their bad behaviour.       u
    The Whelan brothers were inseparable. Not Siamese twins or                g
anything, just very brotherly. They had started their impressive career       h
of crime at an early age, concreting their kindergarten teacher's feet.
To the bottom of the Yarra river. Well, she probably deserved it.             f
Bitch. The little scamps then went on through a period of corruption          r
and blackmail in primary school, and kidnapping, extortion and gambling       e
in high school. They achieved many great goals during this time,              e
including hiring their first hitman at the age of 12. They then went
through university, when they both graduated with honours from the Kray       T
Academy of Underworld Studies.                                                C
    It was only natural that they should move into an exciting life of        W
crime, especially after being recommended to do so by a nervous careers       F
adviser. Their first business opened in 1985, Whelan Brothers Pty Ltd,
Extortion Services To The Gentry. The business was a star of the              h
eighties, shooting up the stock markets. And banks, building societies,       i
armoured cars.. Gosh, how exciting. Look, I know they sound like really       t
nasty people, but wow, isn't it all enthralling? Life of crime, living        s
on the edge... gangs... shady card games... smoky brothels... oh, the
life of a gangster for me! To be walking the alleyways with violin            t
cases... wearing hats... gunning down rival gang leaders... Crime may         h
not pay, but it sounds like bloody good fun to me.                            e
    Ahem. Maybe we'll get back to the story. Where were we? Ah yes,
armoured cars.                                                                n
    This was where Popsicle, and the (few) good men of the Australian         e
Royal Security Establishment came in. Having got the tip-off that the         t
Whelans were behind the big armoured car robbery back in TCWF 119,            w
Popsicle did a little digging around in the Whelans' checkered past.          a
    He and the Inspector inspected the file in the air-conditioned            v
comfort of the A.R.S.E headquarters.                                          e
    "Look at this Inspector. Photo of one of their victims. Blood             s
everywhere. Nostrils stretched beyond all recognition. It would take a        .
yoga expert ten years to perfect getting his limbs into that position.        .
And his ears... oh, ugh. And he was only a doorknocking Jehovah's             .
Witness. These Whelans are ruthless. Sadistic maniacs whose only
pleasure in life is to cause human suffering."
    "Yes, you have to admire them for that".
    Also in the file was a copy of TCWF 134, detailing the Whelans'
career to date, and a copy of their nomination for a Golden Gun award
for criminal excellence. But most useful of all - the information that
would nail them to the wall and put them permanently behind bars (a
little unnecessary if they're nailed to a wall anyway) - was their
address and phone number. It had been carefully copied from the
telephone book by a daring brave undercover cop early the previous
year: "1 Boundary Road, North Melbourne, Phone 326 5555. Just on the--------.
corner with Reynolds St and Gracie St. Melways reference 2A D6. Right       |
near the football ground. About a block from Macaulay Railway Station.      |
Down the road from the Lost Dogs Home."                                     |
    Armed with this information, and a number of guns of various sizes,     |
and appropriate ammunition for each, Popsicle, the Inspector, and 50 of     |
their closest A.R.S.E buddies headed for North Melbourne. They knew         |
they had found the place when they saw the big sign declaring:              |
"W H E L A N   K A R T A W A Y". Which meant, at the very least, they       |
could arrest them for spelling offences. Underneath the main caption,       |
the sign went into great detail. "We'll kartaway your belongings, day       |
or night. Preferably night, when you're not home. And we'll beat up         |
your budgie, drug your dog, komatose your kat, and, well, you just          |
don't want to know what we'll do to your fox terrier. And if you don't      |
like it, then tough! 'Cos we're the Whelans. Free quotes on kidnapping,     |
assassination, blackmails! Phone the Heavy Hotline on 326 5555."            |
    Popsicle prepared the men, and got ready to move. And while he does     |
that, we'll take a quick week-long break.                                   |
                                                                            |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                .------------'
Popsicle, the Inspector, and a whole bunch of                  |
other stupid stuff you don't wanna read returns                V
next week in the amazing 135th edition of the             DISCLAIMER
Toxic Custard Workshop Files. Don't know why I
bothered? No, neither do I. But I have to do        The "Whelan Kartaway"
something in my spare time, don't I? Actually,      depicted in this TCWF bares
that stops it being "spare time". I have to do      almost* no resemblance to
something to prevent myself having spare time.      a certain "Whelan Kartaway"
Otherwise I'd end up having too much time to        of 1 Boundary Road, North
spare. And I can be spared of that.                 Melbourne. Any resemblance
    If you're the kind of gullible idiot who        is pure coincidence. The
can be fooled into wasting your life reading        people of the real Whelan
back-issues of this drivel, you might be            Kartaway are honestly very
interested in replying to this mail, or sending     nice people, and wouldn't
mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details of said     even dream of murdering
back-issues.                                        anyone. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~     Now will you stop pointing
                                                    that thing at me?
Copyright (C) 1993 Daniel Bowen
--                                                 *Except the name, obviously.
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |
Melbourne, Australia------------|HOLLOWSWATCH: Still alive and kicking.
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----|
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Picturesque Toxic Custard"


TOXIC                           Number 135 - Special cop-out picture edition
 CUSTARD                             Scheduled for Monday 15th February 1993
  WORKSHOP                 but actually turned up Tuesday 16th February 1993
---FILES--------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, so it's a day or two (or three) late, but here's TCWF 135, a
special PICTURE edition!! UUdecode this file, and throw it at a GIF
viewing program. (If you have any problems, seek out your local computer
geek, who will be able to do it for you, and tell you about that great
new hardware he's got, why he thinks Macs suck, what's so awesome about
X-Windows, and the what he thinks Intel will do next...)

And for you people who can't be bothered, or just can't, TCWF will
return to its normal textual mode status next week.

[This picture will be made available on ftp distribution sites as a
GIF format file.]

Copyright (C) 1993 Daniel Bowen
--                                Workin' hard at the keyboard
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Tryin' to write the code on ti-i-ime
Melbourne, Australia------------| Debugging and screen design
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----| Take up all his ti-i-ime..
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | Whoa whoa whoa whoa he's a programmin' man...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia

Copyright (c) 1993 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without
profit provided this notice remains intact.

For subscription information, contact tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu

