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     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$ss$$                    "The Craft"
     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$                        by, Anodyne
     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$  $$                      1/22/00
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     $$  $$ "TssT" "TssT"

	Self-absorbed writers with large vocabularies choose to bless us
 with their unique viewpoints.  By us, I mean the literate population with
 time to read.

	This narrows the group down to English majors and the few homeless
 people lucky enough to get in on President Carter's "Books for Bums"
 initiative.

	Given this audience, I can either discuss shoe repair or Chaucer.  
 I like easy decisions.  Unfortunately, while quite self-absorbed I am not
 cobbler enough to have a unique viewpoint on the subject.

	Instead, I will boldly strike out.  After cursing the pitcher and
 sulking to the bench, the inning will be over and I will be able to write
 about writing at long last.  It is a revered ancient art, the pastime of
 kings and philosophers, and the consolation of virgins.  I just wish I
 could come up with a good idea for a pop-up book.  At least there is some
 visual stimulation involved.  Also, inch-high letters will prevent
 blindness before the age of fifty.  Not to mention that an intelligent
 reader will find deep meaning in it anyway.

	I'm being honest here.

	Many aspiring authors ask me, "How do I get published?"  Well,
 Johnny, the best thing to do is watch a lot of television and then buy
 one of those books about getting published.  Take a cookie cutter to our
 collective least common denominator mind and press.  Write about love and
 death but make sure nobody figures that out.  In this way, you will be
 able to ensure that your fan club excludes those boorish English majors.

	I hope you don't mind the smell of gruel, Johnny.

	Writers often believe that Nature and the universe creep up to
 their ears in the middle of the night, whispering 'inspiratiiioooonnnnn...'
 That noise is either a leaky faucet or sex from across the hall, and the
 writers are lying there sobbing and dreaming of naked relatives.  To be
 fair, some of them are smiling, not sobbing.

	Writers DO have a gift.  It just shouldn't be unwrapped.

	So, everybody wants to express themselves and writing is not the
 only way.  Artists also use the mediums of painting and sculpture. This
 art falls into one of two categories: unusual representations of
 genitalia, or copies of things ordinary people see everyday.  An ordinary
 person is defined as anybody who leaves home on a regular basis.  Artists
 are required to use the phrase with derision.

	Music and dance are other widely popular forms of expression.  
 Dance is the ability to make it look like you are having sex while moving
 around a room or stage.  You also have to jump and sweat more.  Music is
 just the sound you hear while dancing or actually having sex.

	This leads to a discussion of physical contact and the sex act
 itself as means of expression.  I'll leave this to the experienced.

 [-----]

 Epilogue:

	To understand the psychology involved in the writing of this
 diatribe, one needs at least eight years of advanced schooling and
 probably a doctorate.  Without this level of expertise you couldn't get
 me to stop shivering, never mind leave the corner.

	My greatest wish is for somebody to go ahead and put me in my
 rocking chair, dick in one hand and the Bible in the other.  And turn
 that music off, because I'm not dancing or fucking -- I'm getting story
 ideas.

	And Johnny, always leave the reader with something to think about.
 
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 [ (c) HOE E'ZINE -- http://www.hoe.nu    HOE #1008, BY ANODYNE - 01/22/00 ]
