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               [ Mind Warp  -  Volume #3, Issue #10, File #051 ]
                          [ "Roomates"  by Mustaine ]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                  Roomates..
                                  [Mustaine]

        Um...today's topic.  Roomates?  When you grow up and go to college,
or perhaps graduate from college, and have to find some place to live,  
chances are you will find yourself stuck with a roomate.  UHG.  Well, I 
do belive I have written enough articles on roomates to tell you guys that
you want to try to avoid them at ALL POSSIBLE opportunities.  Today, I 
decided to compile a *very short* list of how to *try* to get rid of your
roomate if you don't want him or her.  (This list is geared towards college
students.)

       o Call up Resident Life (or your landlord) and tell them that your
         roomate is a practicing member of the KKK.  He or she has 7 robes
         for each day of the week, and has taken glow-juice (that only
         shows up under your k-spiff black lights) and drawn satanic crap
         all over your walls.  AND to top it off, he or she also gave you
         the opportunity to become part of their rituals...say something 
         like they offered you a free ride to hell if you let them gut you
         at their next group therapy session.

       o When your roomate is out, take ALL their stuff that you can carry,
         and accidentaly drop it out the window.  

       o Or if that last one appealed to you, take ALL their stuff (that you
         can carry) and put it in the washing machine...yes even the 
         microwave.
       
       o Speaking of microwaves, it REALLY pisses people off when you leave 
         your dirty underwear in the microwave because "you wanted to dry it."

       o Steal his or her internet account (EVERYONE should HAVE ONE) and 
         e-mail president@whitehouse.gov and include the phrases "you suck"
         "I want to kill you" and "rape Chelcy AND Socks."

       o Call his or her spouse (boy or girlfriend) and tell them he or she is
         cheating on them WITH you.

       o Or if that one appeals to you, and you dig the chick he or she is
         dating...go ahead and cheat with em...  (makes for fun, eh?)

       o Take all their furniture, and accidentaly set it on fire.  (Make it
         look like an accident.)

       o Call me, and I will come live with them, and then FOR sure they will
         leave.

       o If they have children (above 16)...and THIS IS ONLY for you out of
         college people...like have an affair, or something...Hell, it works
         on TV.

       o Play really amusing CD's like Vanilla ICE and Milli Vanilli and 
         claim that they are stuck in an endless loop untill they leave.

       o Take your favorite blunt object (eg. retractable dildo, vibrator,
         hammer, lamp) and kill them.

       o Shoot them.

       o Stab them.

       o Make them read those 'other zines' like TWAT, and BoW, and TelStar.
         They'll leave.


        Woo!  That's all.  Hey folks, I'm outta here, but check out this
'other' zine called uXu...it's k-spiff.  (Enough with the k-spiff, eh?)
Later from the Mustaine(ator!)

Greets : Dani & Meg. Q, alt.gymkana, shadowdancer, Armitage, pornlo, 
         Raven, Essex *shmuck*, and ME!


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