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   ooooo   ooooo  .oooooo.  oooooooooooo       HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #627
   `888'   `888' d8P'  `Y8b `888'     `8
    888     888 888      888 888            "Boy, Everything Sure is Zany"
    888ooooo888 888      888 888oooo8
    888     888 888      888 888    "               by Phairgirl
    888     888 `88b    d88' 888       o               5/9/99
   o888o   o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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        I discover new things every day!

        Like, did you know that Metallica's old music ISN'T a bunch of Satan
 worshipping crap?  I mean, it's listenable! When I was a little munchkin, I
 heard Metallica a couple of times before I heard "One" and it was so scary
 and evil and I thought that nobody in their right mind (aka Non Satan
 People) could listen to it without going to hell.  Not that this was a
 religious thing, just that it was evil music.  In fact, up until TONIGHT I
 thought old Metallica stuff was unlistenable, simply by recalling my
 previous 4th grade experiences.  Hell, I even own Live Shit and listened to
 it many times, and thought all the older songs were good, but figured they
 were only good because they had updated them or something.  But tonight I
 really wanted to hear Sanitarium for some reason, because I couldn't find
 an mp3 of it anywhere that wasn't live, and I was really surprised to find
 that their older stuff isn't really such a drastic change like I thought it
 was compared to the black album and beyond.  I mean, in my head I though t
 there was some bizarre drastic difference in the time period between... And
 Justice For All and the black album that somehow made Metallica a
 completely different band.  Now I discover that I was very very wrong! Old
 Metallica kicks very much ass! Why didn't I figure this out sooner?  What
 is wrong with me?  Why was I so broken?

        And you know what else?  Whitesnake's old albums are MUCH better
 than anything by Bon Jovi.  I know this because I was feeling very nostagic
 and put this Whitesnake tape in my car.  I didn't buy that tape, I stole it
 from this bitch who didn't pay me for babysitting her obnoxious kid, and I
 only took it for "Here I Go Again." But that tape pretty much rocks hard.
 Anyway, I got this hankering to listen to my old Bon Jovi New Jersey tape
 too, and after I listened to Whitesnake in my car for a few days, I
 listened to Bon Jovi.  You know what?  Except for "Ride Cowboy Ride," a 58
 second kick-ass song on the Bon Jovi tape, everything by Whitesnake was
 much cooler.  Why was I so obsessed with Bon Jovi when obviously the whole
 time Whitesnake was kicking their ass?  How come I never noticed this back
 then?  Maybe it's because I thought Jon Bon Jovi was SO HOT and had posters
 of him all over my room, and David Coverdale wasn't so hot.  He had better
 hair than Jon Bon Jovi though, why didn't I notice THAT?  Actually, if I
 think about it, back then David Coverdale was much better looking, but he
 looked a lot older than Jon Bon Jovi.  Plus, who could compete with Tawny
 Kitaen?

        Also, VH1 pissed me off today.  Ever see one of those Before They
 Were Stars thingys?  They make SO much crap out of famous people.
 Actually, not all of them are all that famous, some were one hit wonders
 who really don't need to have even MORE crap made out of them.  I mean,
 imagine being Brenda K.  Starr, who had the hit "I Still Believe" which
 Mariah Carey, one of her former backup singers, covered.  They showed some
 old footage of her being in this crappy early '80s movie where she was
 overweight and singing REALLY CHEESY pseudo-rap and dancing like an ass,
 which of course was very common in the early '80s.  They kept showing this
 clip throughout the show, comparing people saying "Well at least they never
 had THIS to live down."  It annoyed the hell out of me.  I mean, this poor
 girl was overweight, and she's not popular or making money these days, and
 here VH1 is, ripping on her.  I can understand doing that to someone with
 current financial and other types of success, like maybe Janet Jackson, who
 deserves it.  But some innocent little one hit wonder who is now living the
 Joe Average life like the rest of us?  That's kind of rude.  At least I
 seem to think so.  But then again, what do I really know?  Maybe she
 ditched one of the producers on a blind date or something, and this was his
 revenge.  I suppose we will never know.

        Here's something a trifle retarded.  I was watching BET and MTV Jams
 and The Box, trying to bone up on my rap a little bit so I don't get out
 of touch even though there's very little that I like.  Anyway, The Box kept
 advertising that you can go to their website (www.thebox.com) and order
 your videos instead of calling the 1-900 number.  So I figure, hmmm, why
 not check it out?  Well first I was annoyed because you still have to pay
 for the videos, although that wasn't HORRIBLE, just a little annoying.
 Back in the day, you could e-mail them and they would play it for free.
 But anyway, I decided to play their little game and order a video, since
 entering all my information is SO MUCH easier than just picking up the
 phone and calling.  Anyway, I get the secure connection dialog box, yay yay
 yay.  However, the popup appears saying that they haven't completed the
 site yet and that online ordering wasn't available yet.  So, of course,
 every 10 minutes on The Box, there's a commercial for this website, and IT
 DOES NOTHING.  It mocks you.  It stares at you funny and makes you THINK
 you're doing something cyber chic.  Those commie bastards.  There's a
 lesson here, a little more broad than Don't Visit TheBox.com, yet a little
 less broad than Don't Go To Websites.

        And why isn't ftp.dto.net working right now?  I mean at this very
 second, of course, because as soon as anyone reads this, they're gonna try
 ftp.dto.net and it will work just fine.  I'm just annoyed because I'm
 trying to tell my silly canadian friend that he's not the only guy out
 there not getting any, and I wanted to refer him to some Quarex files to
 make him feel better.  Alas and alack, THEY WON'T CONNECT.  Now he's going
 to kill himself, and you know the last thing the world needs is another
 dead canadian.

        Don't buy the talking Charmander Pokemon toy.  You have to put 2 AAA
 batteries in the thing and all it does is say "CHAR" and the tail lights
 up.  However, BREAK DOWN ALL DOORS to get the talking Meowth toy! I think
 all they did was re-package the Japanese toy, it's the most hilarious
 thing you'll ever hear! Okay, I'm being a little broad and overgeneral
 like usual, but it's a fabulous toy.  Whereas the english dub Meowth speaks
 like an annoying copycat of the old Heathcliff cartoons, the Meowth toy
 SCREAMS AT YOU like a pissed off Japanese crack addict.  The package says
 "With Chattering Voice!", I suppose which is their marketing strategy to
 sell a little toy that screams at you in Japanese.  I wouldn't exactly buy
 this for a little kid; it's downright scary sounding.  But that, of course,
 is all the more reason to buy the toy, and all the more reason why Japan
 kicks ass, and Pokemon kicks ass above much.

        Nothing is more fucked up than an mp3 of the theme to Inspector
 Gadget in French without asking for it.

        Caffeine is a horrible thing.  Jerry Springer is a good social
 influence compared to what caffeine does to people.

        You know, the most hilarious thing happened today.  A telemarketer
 called me from Sears (a franchise to whom I owe beaucoup dough) and wanted
 to thank me for my recent purchase of a camcorder, along with the
 maintenance agreement.  He called to ask if I wanted to put a maintenance
 agreement on my monitor and printer.  See, I was not aware that I did NOT
 have a maintenance agreement on my monitor and printer, and well, I didn't
 wanna be fucked since my printer isn't working right, so I took him up on
 it.  Funny thing is, they have this security thing where they read you the
 first 7 numbers of your card to you, so that you know they're not scamming
 you, and you verify with the last digits.  Well, of course the numbers he
 read me did not match mine, so he had his supervisor looking through
 databases and all that.  Meanwhile, he's trying to make small talk, and he
 said, "You know, with this maintenance agreement, it will cover [insert
 whatever coverage here], but not if, oh, you smashed your monitor and
 printer with a sledgehammer.  However, if you purchased your sledgehammer
 at Sears with a maintenance agreement on it, and you somehow broke it while
 smashing your monitor and printer, the plan WOULD cover the sledgehammer,
 and you could bring it in for repairs."

        How fucked up is that?  And after reading it, do you really care how
 the story ends?  Of course not.

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 [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!  HOE #627 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 5/9/99 ]
