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Excuses For Skipping Out Of Work Early  by Predat0r
---------------------------------------------------------
1.      My kids are locked outside.
2.      My kids are locked inside.
3.      My kids are stuck in the door.
4.      I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.
5.      I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha bake cookies -- she's much better
        now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to
        see her when she thought she was dying.
6.      The Water Department has to read my meter once a year and this was
        the only time they would come.
7.      The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the
        only time they would come.
8.      The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on
        my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about
        whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.
9.      My daughter is graduating from high school and I'd like to go to the
        ceremony.
10.     My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I'd like to go to the
        ceremony.  (Do not use within one month of #9).
11.     I have to pick up my car at the shop; if I don't get there in half an
        hour it'll be locked up all weekend.
12.     I have to get my car to the shop; if I don't get it there in half an
        hour it'll be locked out all weekend.  (Don't use if boss seems wide
        awake).
13.     My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
14.     My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
15.     My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
16.     My truss snapped.
17.     My support hose popped.
18.     I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.
19.     I'm arranging financing for a house.
20.     I'm arranging financing for a car.
21.     I'm arranging financing for a beef roast.
22.     The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the
        only time they could deliver it.
23.     The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this
        was the only time they could deliver it.
24.     The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think
        this is the time it's being delivered.  (Note:  This is an excuse
        that can't be used by just anybody.  But if it's close to accurate,
        it's extremely effective.
25.     I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.
26.     I'm being sent to the moon by NASA.
27.     It's Dayton's Warehouse Sale.
28.     My back aches.
29.     My stomach aches.
30.     My hair aches.  (This is more acceptable than "I have a hangover,"
        especially if offered in the early afternoon.)
31.     My biological clock is ticking.
32.     I have to take my biological clock in for service.
33.     My furnace won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.
34.     My central air conditioning won't stop running, and the goldfish are
        getting freezer burn.
35.     Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won't stop running.
        The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.
36.     I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.
37.     I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.
38.     I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister's mother.
39.     I have to take my mother to the doctor.
40.     I have to take my minister to the doctor.
41.     I have to take my doctor to my minister.
42.     I think I left the iron on.
43.     I think I left the water on.
44.     I think I left the refrigerator on.
45.     I'm getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.
46.     I'm getting married, and I have to take a blood test.
47.     I'm getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.
48.     I have to have my waistband let out.
49.     I have to have my watchband let out.
50.     I have to have my son's rock band let out.
51.     I'm having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so
        I won't be able to work afterwards.
52.     I'm having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so
        I won't be able to work afterwards.
53.     I'm having my hats checked this noon, and I'll be having a drop or
        two so I won't be able to work afterwards.
54.     I'm having a root canal.
55.     I'm having a tax audit.
56.     I'm going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile.  (Is that
        beating a dead horse?)
57.     My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.
58.     I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than
        $100,000 in any one federally insured institution.
59.     I need to break into my kid's piggy bank while he's not home.
60.     I have to renew my driver's license.
61.     I have to get new license plates.
62.     I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty
        bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny
        problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions.  THEN
        I have to breeze by and renew my driver's license and get new
        license plates.
63.     I've got an urgent session with my therapist.
64.     I've got a really urgent session with my therapist.
65.     I've ...  I ...  I'm not ...  I don't ...  I CAN'T COPE WITH THIS!!
66.     I have to get my contact lenses fitted.
67.     I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.
68.     I have to get my big toe calibrated.
69.     Hey, hey!  The Monkees could be coming to our town.
70.     My rheumatism is acting up; there's going to be a terrible tornado.
71.     's going to be a terrible blizzard.
72.     The pharaoh is acting up; there's going to be a terrible rain of
        frogs.
73.     I need to give blood.
74.     I need to give evidence.
75.     I need to give up.
76.     I'm going to my best friend's engagement party.
77.     I'm going to my best friend's wedding.
78.     I'm going to my best friend's divorce.  (We all knew it wouldn't
        last; at the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)
79.     I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.
80.     I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don't pay them I'm
        going to be arrested.
81.     The police are at the back door.  Cover me.
82.     I'm having my nails done.
83.     I'm having my colors done.
84.     I'm having my head examined.
85.     I'm going to the bank.
86.     I'm going to sleep.
87.     I'm going over the edge.
88.     A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital.
89.     A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor.
90.     A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.
91.     I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer.
92.     I need to check into a rest home.
93.     I'm breaking in my shoes.
94.     I'm breaking up with my boyfriend.
95.     I'm breaking out.
96.     I have to pick up my dry cleaning.
97.     I have to pick out a car.
98.     I have to pick on my kids.
99.     Salmon Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on
        Christian fundamentalists.  I thought I'd go to a ball game instead.



                           Definition of a Twit
                           ---------- -- - ----
                           Ripped from Bbs Land

 o Twits love DOWNLOADING. Uploading is for simpletons who can't tell whether
   they are coming or going. If Twits designed modems, we'd all have one which
   downloads at 18.2 K-Baud, and uploads at 300 baud. If Twits wrote protocols,
   the smallest block they could receive would be 10 megs.

 o Twits can't READ or COUNT. This is evidenced by their total inability to
   comprehend System Rules, or Upload/Download Ratio's. But, for some
   strange reason, they can still use a computer.

   Because of this handicap, most Twits are unemployed. It is a miracle that
   most of them haven't been retained by the State to pick up trash on the
   expressways. They'd gladly volunteer for it, if it could be done with a
   modem and they were called "Remote-Trash Downloaders".

 o Twits feel that the proper way to leave a board is to drop the carrier.
   They do this because they don't want to waste their valuable time exiting
   via the "Goodbye" command, when they could spend that time calling another
   board.

 o Twits NEVER leave messages, unless it is rude, crude, or socially
   unacceptable. If an exception to this exists, it will probably be a
   creative one-liner such as "Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".
   Twits rarely reply to messages. Unless they enter a one-liner such as
   the one above.

 o Twits NEVER communicate with SysOps, unless it is to ask WHY such and such
   file is unavailable, demand access to the "Private Area's", or gripe about
   something. Mail from the SysOp is considered to be the electronic equivalent
   of "Junk-Mail", and should be ignored. In fact, there should be some form
   of law to stop it from being written.

 o Twits NEVER pay for access to a computer system. They see themselves as
   latter-day "Robin-Hoods", taking from the rich (SysOps) and giving to the
   Poor (Themselves). Their motto: "If it isn't free, it isn't worth having."

 o Twits NEED multiple user names and logon passwords on each board they call.
   This is the measure of their Twit-dom, and reflects their true status in the
   Twit-community. A Twit with only ONE user name and logon password per board
   is a FAILURE, & faces censure and possible expulsion from their peer group.
   (It is no wonder that Twits exhibit schizo-tendancies).

 o Twits know EVERYTHING. Just ask them. But, it'd take a crow-bar and dynamite
   to get any useful information out of them. These self-professed "experts"
   will RARELY stoop so low as to assist someone who may genuinely need some
   help. After all, a REAL "hacker" never needs or asks for help.

 o A Twit would not be caught dead using their REAL NAME when calling a BBS.
   In fact, Twits refuse to leave anything more involved than a handle when
   registering with a BBS. (EVERYONE knows who "Slinky Toy" is!!!)

   The ONLY exception to this rule is that they will often use SOMEONE ELSE's
   real name. Or, they may use the name of a Heavy-Metal rock & roll group.
   (Imagine a system where everyone is named "Guns&Roses")

 o Twits NEVER register their Shareware. Cash is what they use to buy faster
   modems. Program Authors are neurotic-compulsives, and if they did not
   serve a purpose, Twits would have them abolished completely.

 o Twits ADORE Sprint, MCI, and other long-distance credit card numbers, IF
   they belong to someone else. This also applies to COMPUSERV, SOURCE, etc.
   Their motto is: "If you can't steal it, it can't be much fun".

 o A Twit is a "BBS Connoisseur".  They KNOW which BBS software is BEST and
   how your system SHOULD look and run. They will not hesitate to inform you
   if it fails to meet their demanding and rigid expectations. (They consider
   this a "Public Service") However,  they would NEVER trouble themselves to
   run their OWN bbs. That might take valuable time away from their duties as
   "Remotes" on the boards they spend all their waking moments calling.

 o Twits LOVE to page the SysOp, often just for the sheer hell of it. They are
   most fond of "Late-Night" paging. This is the perfect time for them to
   explain the infallable logic as to why they should be given Remote-SysOp
   access to your system. Their second most favored reason for wanting to chat
   is "Just checking to see if you were THERE!"

 o Twits cannot comprehend WHY the IBM program they just downloaded won't run
   on their Atari 800. After all, programs are programs, right? And, any fool
   knows that a 32K machine can hold a 200K program.

 o Twits can't TOLERATE seeing a command that they can't use. Their motto is
   "try, try again". If it didn't work the first time, it HAS to work on the
   second, third, fourth, etc. No self-respecting SysOp would intentionally
   offer them anything less than TOTAL ACCESS.

 o Twits are FASCINATED by DOS. Their quest for it rivals the search for the
   legendary "Holy-Grail". They MUST reach it, through their modem, or all is
   lost. What they would do with it if they reached it, is probably a lot like
   what a dog who chases cars would would do with one if he managed to catch
   it. (Pee on the tires?)

 o Twits are totally ENGROSSED by hardware. They can conceive of the most
   unborthodox, outrageous, and potentially lethal contraptions known on
   Earth. Occasionally, these "time-bombs" actually work. Any difficulties
   they experience with their computers will fall under the heading of
   "Miscegenation", or "Poetic Justice".

 o Twits CRAVE the LATEST version of "Goober-Pods", or "Space-Weenies". To
   reward the SysOp for access to such mega-byte gems, they will upload
   VALUABLE and USEFUL programs in return. Such as "Weasel-Stompers" for the
   Commodore-64, providing it is less than 10K in size.

 o A Twit NEVER uses applications programs, and NEVER writes programs.
   (Programs are what Twits DOWNLOAD, and most can just BARELY write or spell)
   Their motto: "If you don't need a joystick to play it, it isn't worth
   having".

 o A real Twit will FLATLY REFUSE to use ANY compression method on files they
   intend to upload. After all, SysOps sit and twiddle their thumbs waiting
   on something to do, and should be GRATEFUL that they get ANY uploads, EVER!
   They also refuse to upload documentation. (It is crutch for weak minds and
   the hallmark of the Geek)

 o Twits SUFFER if there are no "NEW" files on the system. There may be a
   correlation between "NEW" files and Twits, much as there is one which
   exists between dog-excrement and flies. The only difference is that flies
   usually leave after eating their fill. Twits don't.

 o Twits desperately NEED to become Remote-Sysops. They KNOW that EVERYONE
   else on the system has SysOp capabilities, and don't want to be excluded
   from all the fun! (Are all Twits created equal?)

 o Twits think that the "Caps Lock" key must be activated in order to properly
   leave a message on a board.  They think that their message is of such great
   importance that it must be screamed at everyone.

 o Occasionally an above average Twit who discovers that modeming can be a two
   way street will attempt to get around upload\download ratios by renaming the
   same program fifteen or twenty times and using it to fill the sysop's hard
   disk with redundant programs.  After all, rules were meant to be broken,
   right?




                     How to pass a lie detector test!
                     ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
                             by: The Misfits
                             05 - Jan - 1993


When someone hooks you up to a lie detector, they are measuring your physical
responses to psychological stimuli.  It's something like watching you to see if
you blush.  There are four levels they can measure.

1.  Your response when you are just sitting there, not being asked anything.

2.  Your response when you are asked a question you would have no reason to lie
about.  "What is your name?"

3.  Your response when asked a question they consider personal or
embarassing to most people.  "Have you ever wondered what it would be like
to have sex with your mother?"  I think only the government would have
enough nerve to actually do this.

4.  Your response to the questions they suspect you might lie about.

What they are looking for is whether your #4 responses are closer to #2 or #3,
and if the difference is significant with respect to #1.

If your response level to #3 is much higher than any of the others, you are
clearly telling the truth about #4.

If your responses to #1, #2, and #4 are low, and #3 is high, they think you
are telling the truth.

If your responses to #1, #2, #3, and #4 are all the same, they think that
you are either a psychopath or extremely well-adjusted and telling the
truth.

If your responses to #1 and #2 are low but #3 and #4 are high, they think
you are lying.

If your responses to #2, #3, and #4 are high, they think you are very
nervous and they call the result "inconclusive."

This last result is easiest for normal people to fake.  Just think about
something embarrasing every time they ask you a question.  Don't relax,
except between questions.

A more risky alternative would be to try to relax during the questions
you're going to lie about, but not during the "embarrasing" questions.  If
successful, this would produce the "normal truth" result they like the best.
If it failed, it would give the "lie" result.

If you take some sort of tranquilizer beforehand, you may be able to relax
enough to get the "psychopath" response.  It will probably not get you hired,
though.

One practice method would be to hook yourself up to an ohmmeter.  One wire
wrapped around your left index finger, the other wrapped around your right.
If the reading drops from (say) 100 K-Ohms to a third of that, you just
"lied."  Wear this into a police station, or a courtroom, or to your fathers
house, and practice lying.  See how you do.

Disclaimer:  I have never actually taken a lie detector test.  I learned this
from books and Psych courses.




$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#



Title:       PukeBomb
By:          Sinister X
Date:        05 - Jan - 1993



    UGH!  I think I have just seen the most tasteless job in the
world!  Its a car cleaner for the NYC Subway System.

    It was about 3:30am Saturday, and I was heading home from bar
hopping, and I am waiting in the station for my train.  Well, at this
time at night, they will take alternate trains out of service
and clean them.

    Well, here I am, waiting at this train station, when I hear some
commotion on the other track.  Well, being the sick puppy I am, I figured
"Wow, cool! Some drunk bum fell on the tracks!"  Anyway, I stumble over
to the other track and see a train parked there with a cleaning crew
running around like chickens with no head..

    I start thinking this must be really bad to have the people running
around like this, hollering and running and such.  I hear someone say
"Hey Joe! Bring the hose over here QUICK!".

    I am dying with curiousity at this point, I cannot stand it!
I walk over to the car where everyone working, and peer in.  God,
I almost hurled!!!!!

    This was my sight:

    Inside the car, (for those who have not had the chance to ride the
wonderful NYC Trains, the cars have seats that run down the lengths
of both sides of the car facing each other, like this:)


     -----------------------------------------
    (     SEATS       SEATS       SEATS       )
F   (-----------------------------------------)  B
R   (                                         )  A
O   (                                         )  C
N   (-----------------------------------------)  K
T   (     SEATS       SEATS       SEATS       )
     -----------------------------------------


    Anyway, I peer in, and see what appears to be the results of a
BarfBomb.  There was multi-colored steaming puke EVERYWHERE!! On the
seats, on the windows, on the advertisements, on the floor. EVERYWHERE!

    God, the stench of puke was permeating the air.  I almost blew
chunks myself.  From the shear volume of puke, and the different colors
of it, I believe it was a MassPeoplePuke, My theory is a group of people were
out drinking, and someone got sick, and hurled, then the others smelling
and viewing the puke, they themselves puked!

    God, the sight was sick!  There are about 5 guys in the car attempting
to clean this puke up.  One had a hose and was trying to was it away, all
the others had putty knives scraping the puke up.

    Never, I have never felt soo much pity for a guy doing his job before.
It was really putrid in that car... UGh!  Whew... it was bad!





%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^

     Stolen from Bbs Land and presented by The Misfits



     CD-ROM Conference Common Answer Guide



     compiled by Ted Tang
     (please distribute freely, released to the public domain)




ANSWERS TO COMMON QUESTIONS
---------------------------

     AUDIO CD PLAYER TO CD-ROM DRIVE
     -------------------------------
     No, you cannot convert your CD audio player into a CD-ROM drive.

     But, Bill Hemmings of 1:300/11 claims:
     I should get a nickle for all the times the question has been asked
     "can I use a cheap ordinary cd-rom drive for computer data". And a
     dollar for all the wrong answers. Because, it turns out, it not
     only can be done, but it's cheap. I'm not going to go into the
     details here, because my opinion is that it's not worth the
     trouble. But for those on a REALLY short shoestring, check out the
     July/ August issue of 'Midnight Engineering'. Everything you need
     to read the digital data stream is there. You'll need a device
     driver, however, to interface to DOS. You can order the magazine
     from 303-225-1410 if you can't find it on the newstand. Tell 'em I
     sent ya. Maybe they'll give me a free issue. Or something.
     Bigfoot's RBBS - Tucson,AZ - HST - (8:902/1) or (1:300/11.0)

     [I read the article.  It sounds like it would take a lot of
     technical expertise to get the computer to control the CD player.
     The experiment was for playing around with digital music, not
     reading CD-ROM discs.]

     CD-ROM SUPPORT FILES
     --------------------
     I have a large collection of CD-ROM support & information files.
     You may either FREQ: HARDWARE for a list or call my BBS and
     download on your first call.  See credits below.

     DAK
     ---
     Is selling a BSR CD-ROM drive which is actually a Sony drive.  380
     ms, 8 K buffer, $399.  But is it really SCSI?  No one seems to know
     for certain!

          drive:     CDU 6201-20 external
                     CDU-531     internal
          interface: CDB-242 interface BUS -OR-
                     DTC3280A "SCSI" Controller
                     8-bit, pseudo SCSI?

     Doors/BBS Usage
     ---------------
     Most CD-ROM databases, including encyclopedias, do not permit you
     to install on a BBS for public access.

     Errors
     ------
     Experiencing disc read errors?  Try cleaning the lens with a CD
     lens cleaner available at any audio store and clean the disc.
     Disc access slow?  Try increasing MSCDEX buffers.

     Microsoft Bookshelf
     -------------------
     IME is selling them for $59.

     Microsoft CD-ROM Extension
     --------------------------
     Non-removable TSR that configures your CD-ROM drive to behave like
     a network drive/device. Supposedly, you can get the latest version
     on Compu$erve. Otherwise, it is available from your dealer but not
     Microsoft. With DOS 5.0, you must use SETVER.  Here's a brief
     summary of command line options-

     MSCDEX [/E/K/S/V] [/D:<driver> ... ] [/L:<letter>] [/M:<buffers>]
          option: /E        Use expanded memory for cache
                  /K        Include support for Kanji character set
                  /S        Network server support
                  /V        View setup on installation
                  /L:[C-Z]  DOS drive letter to use
                  /M:[4-xx] Cache size, 16=32K
                  /D:[name] Device driver name

     [I don't know how multiple CD-ROM drivers would be defined]

     Tandy CDR-1000 CD-ROM Reader
     ----------------------------
     access time 800 ms, data rate 150 Kb/s, Mitsumi brand, no internal
     cache, drawer loading.  Passed by Sierra for multimedia.  Price
     $399



Definitions
-----------

     CD-ROM
     ------
     Means "Compact Disc Read-Only Media".  It is exactly the same thing
     as the audio CD except for just music, it also contains data.
     Introduced in 1984.

     CD-I - Interactive
     -------------------------------
     A Sony-Philips developed consumer oriented CD based video and audio
     system combining hardware and software.  A home consumer version of
     CD-ROM, with music, pictures, and partial-screen motion video that
     plugs into a TV set and stereo.  CD-I gives a variety of high
     quality digital pictures, including still photographs, graphics,
     and animation; and it delivers four grades of sound from AM quality
     for narration to CD digital audio style high-fidelity for music.
     However, moving video is currently only possible on 40% of the
     screen.  CD-I is designed to deliver interactive entertainment
     (anything from encyclopedias to games).  CD-I offers ease of use by
     having a microprocessor built into the CD-I player, which hooks up
     to a TV set and stereo system and plays audio and video CDs as well
     as CD-I specific applications (no microcomputer is required).  The
     user interacts with the program using a pointing device such as a
     joystick or mouse.(1)

     CD-ROM XA - Extended Architecture
     -----------------------------------------------------------------
     A CD that is a hybrid of CD-ROM and CD-I proposed by Philips, Sony,
     and Microsoft. This technology requires a microcomputer and gives
     CD-ROM users the ability to access some of CD-I's audio and video
     features, and CD-I users the ability to play some (but not all)
     CD-ROM XA discs.(1)

     CD-ROM WO - Write Once
     ----------------------
     Aka "Frankfurt Group Proposal"  Proposed successor to the ISO
     9660:1988 standard to support CD-WO hardware and X/Open or IEEE
     POSIX file systems.  Contact Sun Microsystems.

     Sony has marketed a re-writable CD-ROM system for in-house
     publishing.  Cost $20,000

     CDTV
     ----
     Available from Commodore.

     Magneto-optical
     ---------------
     Magnetic media utilizing optical tracking.  Not CD-ROM compatible.

     Rock Ridge Group
     ----------------
     Proposed extension to ISO 9660:1988 to provide for X/Open or IEEE
     POSIX file systems.  Contact HP or Sun Microsystems.

     WORM
     ----
     Means "Write Once Read Many".  Not CD-ROM compatible.


DRIVES
------

     Access Time: rated time it takes for the CD-ROM drive to seek to
          the requested position on the disc, usually 300-1500ms.  See
          stroke for max access time spec.

     Audio: most CD-ROM drives have stereo audio capability and simply
          require software to play a CD-Audio disc; such drives will
          usually have a headphone jack, volume control, and/or line out
          jacks; some have such jacks directly on the interface card.

     Buffer/Cache: The CD-ROM drive hardware cache is the internal
          buffer size. It ranges from 0-64K.  For software cache,
          see Microsoft Extension.

     Caddy: provide extra protection to CD-ROM disc at additional cost.
          Some people complain they rattle.  Not all drives use a caddy
          (top or drawer loading).

          compatibility- Sony/Toshiba/Amdek/Chinon/Apple type
                         Access type
                         Philips type

          rumored best price: EduCorp $5.50/10

     Data transfer rate: 150-171 Kb/sec depending on interface.

     Device driver: hardware specific software that handles low-level
          calls to CD-ROM hardware.

          Young Minds driver
          ------------------
          "Universal driver".  Allows the DRM-600 to automagically
          change cd-roms if you need to use a different disc.

     Error correction technique: CIRC, EDC/ECC

     Interface: CD-ROM drives are either proprietary serial or SCSI.

     Jukebox: Pioneer DRM-600/610 CD-ROM Changer (6-cd jukebox unit)
          only one known in existance.

     Repair: CD ROM Doctor.   He currently repairs all makes of Toshiba,
          and is now expanding into various SONY Models and Hitachi
          Models - currently 1703 and 1503S.  He generally charge s
          $100.00 for a cleaning, adjustment, and small repairs.  He
          also has a 2 week turnaround time which beats repair by
          manufacturer and he is both friendly and professional.

     Stroke: measurement of arm movement from inner to outter track, in
          CD-ROM drive case, the laser.  See access time.

     Data Discman
     ------------
     By Sony.  A hand-held "Electronic Book" that plays 8-cm optical
     discs in both CD-ROM and CD Audio format and includes built-in
     retrieval software along with a high-resolution LCD display to
     provide a completely portable, self-contained database access
     device. Capable of holding around 200 meg of information.

     The Wall Street Journal says that Sony yesterday announced November
     availability of the Data Discman in the US.  Size of a thick
     paperback book; weight about 2 pounds.  Suggested retail of $549.95
     which includes 3 starter disks: Compton's Concise Encyclopedia, the
     Wellness Encyclopedia, and the World Travel Translator.  More than
     20 disks will be available by December 25, including the Bible, a
     wine guide, and a moview review guide, all selling for between $30
     and $130.

     The US model is different from the Japanese model with a larger
     screen.  Sony says that there will eventually be different versions
     with varied prices and capabilities.


DISCS
-----
     Capacity: 540-720 megs per side (CD-ROM discs are rarely double
          sided) depending on format.

     Coating: polycarbonate material (plastic)

     Disc or disk: Use "disc" to refer to optical media and "disk" for
          magnetic media.

     Format:
          foreign file access, HFS- compatible on Mac.
          High Sierra Group (HSG)- HS allows 4 path tables per byte
               ordering vs 2 ISO 9660 allows. ISO 9660 date formats have
               an additional field for offset from UTC.  Pseudo
               compatible with ISO 9660.  Docs supposedly available on
               Compu$erve.
          ISO9660- international standards organization, ANSI standard
               recording format for CD-ROM discs. Single case 31(8+3)
               character file names; limited 8 subdirectory depth.
               Compatible on PCs, Mac, & Sun.
          Kodak- photo/image storage
          red book- CD audio specs (44.1 Mhz)
          yellow book- ???

     Life: 25+ years

     Medium: information is pressed on alluminum as pits or lands.

     Archival disc
     -------------
     Century Disc.  Gold medium in between very hard tempered glass
     using mineral based protective coating.  Designed to last 100-3000
     years.


LATEST VERSIONS
---------------

     Alde Vol. 3 No. 1
     Carrs PDSI-004
     CD-ROMs in Print, 1991 ed, $125.00 (7/31/91)
     Grolier's Encyclopedia (aka Software Toolworks) 1991 ed
     Meridian CDNET software 4.1
     Microsoft Bookshelf 1991
     Microsoft CDROM extensions v. 2.20
     PC-SIG Library, 9th ed (1991) $295 (2)
     RBBS-In-A-Box (RIAB) Vol 3.1 No. 1
     ROM1, ROM2: 18,000 ZIPped files; 100 subdirectories, $80 each
     Rock Ridge 1.09
     Silver Platter software 2.01
     SUN User Group CD-ROM, 1991 ed


Books, Magazines, Conferences & Groups
--------------------------------------

     "alt.cd-rom" Internet Usenet conference

     "Brady Guide to CD-ROM" by Laura Buddine & Elizabeth Young

     "CD-Rom Collection Builder's Toolkit" Softcover 190 Pages. $29.95
     from Online Inc.

     "CD-ROM End User Magazine" (defunct?), Helgerson Associates, Inc,
     free

     "CD-ROM Extensions Information Packet"  Microsoft

     "CD-ROMs in Print 1991: The Book Version" Comprehensive
     international coverage of over 1,400 CD-ROMs. Up to 25 items of
     information on each CD-ROM in the Optical Product Directory. A NEW
     Macintosh Title Index.  Annually in November. ISBN 0-88736-587-6
     $49.50

     "CD-ROMs in Print 1991: The CD-ROM Version" Provides detailed
     information on the 1630 Cd-ROMs currently available.  Each record
     in this database has up to 26 items of information.  $175.00 CD-ROM
     ISBN 0-88736-732-1

     "CD-ROM Librarian Magazine" includes monthly update to "CD-ROMs in
     Print".

     "CD-ROM Local Area Networks: A User's Guide," edited by Norman
     Desmarais.  Just published by Meckler Ltd.  It's 175 pages and
     costs 21 pounds... no U.S. price listed, but Meckler has an office
     in Westport, Conn.  ISBN is 0-88736-700-3

     "CD-ROM Professional Magazine" Pemberton Press, Inc, Adam
     Pemberton, president/publisher, rate: $86/year (bimonthly)

     "CD-ROMS: Breakthrough in Information Storage" by Frederick Holtz
     Tab Books, 1988, TK7882.C56H65

     "CD-ROM USERS GROUP"  They have special offers to members.
     Membership is FREE.  They recently had a 7-PAC of CD-ROM discs for
     $69. Numerous PC titles to choose from.

     "CDROM" Fidonet Echomail conference; Bob Hall, moderator

     "DISC Magazine" (defunct?), Helgerson Associates, Inc

     "Ebsco CD-ROM Handbook" Ebsco Subscription Services

     "Information processing - Volume and file structure of CD-ROM for

     information interchange" from ANSI, ECMA, or GED

     "MS-DOS Extensions" Microsoft Press

     "MS-DOS CD-ROM Extensions Programmer's Reference Manual"  Laser
     Magnetic Storage Intl.  Specify document number 75117166C.  $11

     "Nautilaus" monthly CD-ROM publication designed to provide a
     multi-disciplinary forum to present and discuss multimedia
     applications.  Linda Davies, Ph.D., contributing editor for the
     Macintosh version, and Sharon Summers Ph.D for the Windows 3.0
     version

     "optiC-Digest Magazine"
     rates  3 months  4 months
     base    $39.95    $49.95
     int'l  +$45.00   +$60.00
     CN     +$15.00   +$20.00

     "Special Interest Group on CD-ROM Applications & Technology"
     (SIGCAT) User group sponsored by the U.S. Geological Survey which
     is devoted to the investigation of CD-ROM technology.  Free
     membership.

     "USGS Library/SIGCAT CD-ROM Compendium" U.S. Geological Survey
     Open-File Report 91-40. Great listing of lots of government
     CD-ROM's


Mastering
---------

     Data Index Preperation: You do this
     Input medium: disks, ANSI labeled tapes, discs
     Pre-Mastering: Conversion to your data & data files to a file
          system (ISO 9660, High Serria (now obsolete), or Mac HFS) This
          is $100 to $500 per setup.  Meridian Data, Inc & Young Minds
          sells in-house pre-mastering software.
     Mastering: This makes a pressing master. Varies from $800 for 2
          week turn-around to $2,300 SAME DAY SERVICE!
     Replication: $1.30/disk. Add $.35 per disk if in a jewell box.
          Minimum pressing run of $300 (about 230 disk).

     Plants:
          3M Optical Recording
          American Helix
          Denon
          Devon Corporation
          Digital Audio Disc Corp
          Disc Manufacturing, Inc
          Discovery Systems
          Disk Manufacturing Inc
          JVC Disc America Company
          Nimbus Information Systems
          Optical Disk Mastering
          Phillips/DuPont
          Technetronics Inc


Addresses
---------

     3M Optical Recording, 612-733-3000

     Alde Publishing
     6520 Edenvale Blvd., Ste. 118, Eden Prairie, MN  55346
     800-727-9724; 612-934-4239
     FAX: 612-934-2824

     American Helix, 717-392-7840

     American National Standards Institute
     1430 Broadway, NY, NY 10018
     TEL: 212 642 4900

     Bureau of Electronic Publishing, Inc.
     141 New Road, Parsippany, NJ  07054
     toll-free     800-828-4766
     international 201-808-2700
     fax           201-808-2776

     Carrs-Night Owl
     219 Potomac Ave, Buffalo, MY  14213
     fax 716-886-0545
     bbs 716-881-5688/5380/5182 (2)

     CD ROM Doctor, Rick Thomas
     18642 El Carmen, Orange, CA  92669
     Telephone:  (714) 538-3077

     CD-ROM Inc, Roger ???
     Attention: Department CRS
     1667 Cole Blvd, Suite 400, Golden, Colorado 80401
     303-231-9373

     CD-ROM USERS GROUP, Fred Bellamy, Info-Mart Sales
     PO BX 2400, Santa Barbara, CA 93120.
     voice:  805/965-0265
     fax:    805/965-5415

     CD-Online
     (call voice, get password, try CD-ROMs for 10 mins each via BBS)
     voice: 201-080-2700
     bbs:   201-808-0085

     Comtek, Henry or Leif
     toll-free     800-767-0668
     international 405-524-0668
     fax           405-525-9154

     Corel Systems Corporation
     1600 Carling Ave, Ottawa, Ontario  K1Z 8R7
     international 613-728-8200
     fax           613-761-9177

     DAK (contact: Bryan Eggers)
     8200 Remmet Ave, Canoga Park, CA  91304
     toll-free        800-DAK-0800 800-325-0800
     technical        800-888-9818
     inquiries        800-888-7808
     tdd              800-888-6703
     fax              818-888-2837
     corporate office 818-888-8220

     Denon Corporation, Garden City, NY, 404-342-3032

     Digital Audio Disc Corp, 812-466-6821

     Disc Manufacturing, Inc
     Shogo Karitani, Technical Sales CD-ROM Marking
     4905 Moores Mill Road, Huntsville, AL 35811-1511
     714-630-6700

     Discovery Systems, Dublin, OH 614-761-2000

     Dr. Linda Davies, Assistant Director of Educational Technology
     Dykes Library, Division of Educational Technology
     University of Kansas Medical Center
     2100 W. 39th St., Kansas City, Kansas 66103
     (913) 588-7342
     LD07134@UKANVM

     Ebsco Subscription Services 1-800-221-1826.

     ECMA Headquarters
     Rue de Rhone 114, CH-1204 Geneva, Switzerland

     EduCorp
     7434 Trade Street, San Diego, CA 92121-2410
     toll-free 800-843-9497

     Future Domain Corp
     2801 McGraw Ave, Irvine, CA 92714
     714-253-0400

     Global Engineering Documents
     TEL: 714 261 1455

     Hall, Bob, CDROM Echomail conference moderator
     Ellis Enterprises
     4205 McAuley Blvd. #385, Oklahoma City, OK  73120
     toll-free     800-729-9500
     international 405-749-0273
     fax           405-751-5168
     Fidonet       1:147/23

     Helgerson Associates, Inc
     510 N Washington St, Suite 401, Falls Church, VA  22046-3537
     703-237-0682

     Hewlett-Packard, Bob Niland
     3404 East Harmony Road, Fort Collins, CO 80525-9599
     atten: Bob Niland MS66
     Internet: rjn@FC.HP.COM
     UUCP:     hplabs!hpfcrjn!rjn
     AT&T:     (303) 229-4014

     Hitachi America
     Los Angeles, CA
     international 213-537-8383

     IME Computers
     1340 Soldiers Field Road, Boston, MA  02135
     toll-free     800-999-1911
     international 617-254-1700
     fax           617-254-0392

     JVC Disc America Company, 205-554-7111

     Laser Magnetic Storage Intl
     4425 Arrows West Drive, Colorado Springs, CO  80907-3489

     Meridian Data, Inc.
     5615 Scotts Valley Dr., Scotts Valley, CA  95066
     international 408-438-3100
     fax           408-438-6816

     Microsoft, Product Support Services
     international 206-454-2030

     NEC Technologies, Inc.
     1255 Michael Drive, Wood Dale, Illinois  60191-1094
     general           708-860-9500
     technical support 800-FONE-NEC, 708-860-0335
     bbs               508-635-6328 HST
     bbs               508-635-6163 HST/V32

     Nimbus Information Systems, Charlottesville, VA 804-985-1100

     Online Inc
     11 Tannery Lane, Weston, CT 06883
     toll free 800-248-8466
     fax       203-222-0122

     optiC-Digest Magazine
     Jeff Connors, subscriptions
     Bob Hall, Editor
     Dept. CDOPDM, 29200 Vasser Avenue, Suite 200, Livonia, MI 48152
     international 313-477-7340

     Optical Disk Mastering, 704-542-5303

     Optical Media International
     485 Alberto Way, Los Gatos, CA 95032
     international: 408-395-4332
     fax:           408-395-6544
     AppleLink:     OMI
     Internet:      omi@applelink.apple.com

     Pemberton Press Inc
     11 Tannery Lane, Weston, CT  06883
     toll-free 800-248-8466

     Philips, Linda Olsen
     1898 Leland Ave, Marrieta, Georgia 30067 USA
     404-952-0064

     Phillips/DuPont, Deleware 800-433-3472

     Quanta Press
     2239 Carter Avenue, St Paul, Minnesota 55108
     international 612-641-0714
     fax           612-644-8811 (2)

     ROM1, ROM2, Rose & Crown BBS
     bbs 615-892-0017 (before 9:30pm)

     Sierra
     toll-free     800-326-6654
     international 209-683-4468

     SIGCAT
     ------
     E. J. (Jerry) McFaul, Chair, SIGCAT
     U.S. Geological Survey
     904 National Center, Reston, VA 22092-9998

     SIGS:
          SEARCH SOFTWARE Working Group
               George Knapp, Geological Survey, 703-648-6823
          SIGLIT - Library Information Technology
               Susan David, Library of Congress, 202-707-7169
          SIGACE - Application of CD-ROM in Education
               Sheldon Fisher, Dept of Education, 202-219-1699
          CIAS - CD-ROM Index Architecture Specification
               Cpt Larry Schankin, US Air Force, 617-377-2105
          ISO-9660
               Mike Rubinfeld, Nat Inst of Stand & Tech, 301-975-3064

          CDOWG - CD-ROM Data Origination Working Group
               Maureen Prettyman, Nat Inst of Health, 301-496-1936
          CD-CINC - CD-ROM Consistent Interface Committee
               Susan David, Chair, SIGLIT, 202-707-7169
               Fred Durr, Nat Inf Serv Corp, 301-243-0797
          GIS - CD-ROM Working Group
               Dan Costanzo, Army Eng Topographic Labs, 703-355-2803
          SIGTEAL - To Expedite the Accommodation Law
               Robert Jaquiss, Tektronix Corp, 503-627-4444
               Tom Dennison, Todd Enterprises, Inc, 703-379-2842
          SIGCLASS Working Group
               Duane Marquis, Dept of Commerce, 301-261-8002
          SIGSGML Working Group
               John Oster, Oster Associates, Inc, 301-838-1908

     Sony Electronic Publishing Company
     Jackie, Optical Dept, 408-432-0190, 408-372-6579
     Greg Smith, National Sales & Marketing Manager, 408-944-4027
     Bob Hurley, Eastern Regional Sales & Marketing Manager, 603-595-4331
     Keith Dalton, Manager, Systerm Marketing, 703-620-1305

     Sharon Summers, RN Ph.D.
     School of Nursing, University of Kansas Medical Center
     39th and Rainbow, Kansas City, KS 66103
     (913) 588-1664
     1K1SUM@UKANVM

     Sun Microsystems, Inc (contact: Torn Wong)
     fax           415-336-6015
     Larry Kluger, Software Division Marketing Manager
     international 415-336-4708

     SUN User Group
     internet      office@sun.org
     international 617-232-0514.

     Technetronics Inc, West Chester, PA 215-430-6800

     Tiger Software
     800 Douglas Entrance, Executive Tower, 7th Fl, Coral Gables, Fl 33134
     toll-free     800-888-4437
     international 305-443-8212
     fax           305-443-5010

     Todd Enterprises, Inc.
     224-49 67th Avenue, Bayside, New York 11364
     international 718-343-1040
     fax           718-343-918
     toll-free     800-445-TODD

     Trantor Systems
     5415 Randall Place, Fremont, CA  94538
     international: 415-770-1400, 415-770-9910
     AppleLink:     Trantor
     Internet:      trantor@applelink.apple.com

     U.S. Geological Survey, Earth Science Information Center
     507 National Center, Reston, VA 22092
     international 703-648-6045
     toll-free     800-USA-MAPS 800-872-6277
     Daniel K. Cavanaugh, 703+648-5908

     US Geological Survey Library, National Center, MS 950
     Systems Section
     Reston VA 22092-9998
     international 703-648-7047

     World Library Inc.
     12894 Haster Street, Garden Grove, CA 92640

     Young Minds Inc.
     Tel: (714) 335-1350
     Fax: (714) 798-0488
     E-Mail: yngmnds!mailstop@ucrmath.ucr.edu


DISCLAIMER
----------

     I have no association with any business entity except as a
     consumer. The above was provided as information only and does not
     consistute endorsement.  The above information is correct to the
     best of my knowledge but you should always verify yourself.


COMMENTS
--------
     Comments, additions, corrections, and deletions to this text are
     welcome.  Please send them to me for preparing the next update.

     No attempt will be made to list all models of CD-ROM drives nor all
     CD-ROM discs available.


CREDITS
-------
     fidonet: Ted Tang @ 1:154/386.0
     bbs:     Digital Future BBS 414-964-0386
     usmail:  3234 N Cambridge Ave, Apt D, Milwaukee, WI  53211  USA
     telco:   414-964-8756

     (1) Peter Dettelis of COSUG BBS: Colorado Springs PC User Group
         (719)632-2566 (1:128/13)
     (2) Trev Roydhouse of Sentry -- Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
         (3:711/401.0)

     All trademarks belong to their respected owner.


I would add the following two publications to your list,
especially since they are so heavily detailed and are sort of
'pioneers' in the field:

CD ROM The New Papyrus - Steve Lambert and Suzanne Ropiequet,
editors.Microsoft Press, 1986 - 626 pages

.  Various detailed articles covering CD Systems, producing CD-ROMs, elements
.  of design, project management, CD-ROM publishing, applications and
.  resources.

CD ROM Volume 2: Optical Publishing - Suzanne Ropiequet with John
Einberger  and Bill Zoellick, editors.
Microsoft Press, 1987 - 342 pages

.  Evaluating and defining the storage and retrieval method

.  Collecting and preparing text, images and sound

.  Converting data formats

.  Structuring and indexing data

.  Logical formatting

.  Premastering and mastering

.  Data updating strategies

.  Data protection and copyrighting, and much more

I know that you are not planning to list available discs, but the
collection of Voyager images from outer space is so unique and
economical ($120.00 for 12 discs and many thousands of images)
it might be accorded a special mention.

_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+


                              EXCERPTS FROM:



                               Y O U N G ' S

            D E M O N S T R A T I V E    T R A N S L A T I O N

                                    O F

                  S C I E N T I F I C    S E C R E T S ;

                                    O R

               A    C O L L E C T I O N    O F    A B O V E

                  5 0 0    U S E F U L    R E C E I P T S

            O N    A    V A R I E T Y    O F    S U B J E C T S





                               T O R O N T O

          P R I N T E D    B Y    R O W S E L L   &   E L L I S,

                     K I N G    S T R E E T    E A S T

                                ----------

                                  1 8 6 1




                              433. MEDICINES
The following medicines are for man, while those commencing at receipt No. 
331, and ending at No. 392 are for horses, cattle, &c., unless when stated 
to the contrary.

                              434. FOR DROPSY
Take of powdered jalap 5 gr., powdered rhubarb 5 gr., powdered scammony 5 
gr., powdered elaterium 1/2 gr., bitartrate of potash 1/2 drm., sulphate 
of potash 1/2 drm., and syrup of ginger sufficient to make into pills; mix 
and divide into five pills. These five pills given at once form an 
excellent hydragogue cathartic to clear the chest, relieve breathing and 
diminish the dropsical effusion.

                          435. ANTIBILIOUS PILLS
Take of camomel 20 grs., jalap powder 20 grs., tartar-emetic 2 grs., and 
syrup sufficient to form into pills; divide into eight pills. The dose is 
tow at bed time; repeated in the morning if necessary. This forms an 
excellent antibilious pill.

                               436. JAUNDICE
Take of rhubarb powder 1 scruple, castile soap half a drachm, calomel 12 
grs., mix and divide into pills; two or three to be taken at bed time; 
emetrics, purges, fomentations about the stomach and liver, and exercise 
will seldom fail to cure jaundice when it is a simple disease; and when 
complicated with dropsy, a scirrous liver, or other chronic complaints, it 
is hardly to be cured by any means. Castile soap has been looked upon as a 
kind of specific.

                                437. ASTHMA
Take of powdered squills 2 drms., powdered assafoetida 1 drachm, mix and 
divide into 30 pills, two to be taken twice or thrice a day. Useful in 
chronic asthma.


                    438. DR. DEWEES' ANTI-COLIC MIXTURE
Take of carbonate of magnesia 1/2 drm., tincture of assafoetida 60 drops, 
tincture of opium 20 drops, white sugar 1 drm., and distilled water 1 oz.; 
mix and shake; twenty-five drops to be given to an infant of two to four 
weeks old, in flatulent colic, diarrhoea, &c.

                  439. DR. HUN'S ANTI-DIARRHOEAL MIXTURE
Take of oil of cajeput 1 oz., oil of cloves 1 oz., oil of peppermint 1 
oz., oil of anise 1 oz., alcohol 4 oz.; mix and shake; dose, from one to 
two drachms in hot brandy and water or syrup. This will afford the most 
speedy relief in diarrhoea accompanied with pain.

                            440. HOPE'S MIXTURE
Take of camphor water 4 oz., nitric acid 4 drops, tincture of opium 40 to 
60 drops; mix cork, and shake; dose, a tablespoonful every two hours in 
diarrhoea and dysentery.

                         441. ANTI-CHOLERA MIXTURE
Take of tincture of opium 1 drm., liquor ammonia 1/2 drm., tincture of the 
oil of peppermint 1/2 drm., ether 25 drops, tincture of camphor 1 drm., 
tincture of capsicum, 1 drachm; mix, cork and shake. In real cholera give 
this all immediately; if the patient throws it up, repeat at once. This is 
an excellent prescription in extreme cases when the patient is cramped.

                          442. FOR HYSTERIC FITS
Take of tincture assafoetida 2 drms., aromatic spirits of ammonia 2 drms., 
camphor water 7 ozs., mix and cork; give two tablespoonsful every three or 
four hours.

                        443. ANTI-ASTHMATIC MIXTURE
Take of mixture of ammoniacum 4 oz., syrup of squill 3 drms., antimonial 
wine 60 drops, wine 1/2 oz., mix and cork. Give two tablespoonsful often, 
or when either the cough or shortness of breath is troublesome.

                        444. ANTI-RHEUMATIC MIXTURE
Take of ammoniated tinc. of quack 1/2 oz., honey 1/2 oz., camphor water 6 
oz., mix and cork. Take two tablespoonsful three or four times a day in 
chronic rheumatism; rub well the affected part with anti-rheumatic 
liniment.

                       445. ANTI-RHEUMATIC LINIMENT
Take of tinc. of opium 2 oz., tine of belladonna 2 oz., powdered camphor 2 
oz., oil of turpentine 2 oz., oil of sassafras 2 oz., oil of origanum 2 
oz., and tinc. of capsicum 1 pint; mix all together.

                           446. DIURETIC MIXTURE
Take of peppermint water 5 oz., wine 6 drachms, sweet spirits of nitre 1/2 
oz.; mix. Two tablespoonsful to be taken three times a-day in obstruction 
of urinary passages.


                          447. SWEATING MIXTURE 
Take of acetated liquor of ammonia 3 oz., ipecacuanha 10 gr., tincture of 
oil of peppermint 15 drops, distilled water 5 oz.; mix. Three 
tablespoonsful to be taken every two hours, until it produces the desired 
effects.

                       448. FOR CRAMP IN THE STOMACH
Take of ether 2 drms, white sugar 1 1/2 drms., tinc. of opium 60 drops, 
cinnamon water 2 oz.; mix. Give a teaspoonful every hour in cramp of the 
stomach.

                          449. FOR HOOPING COUGH
Take of tinc. of assafoetida 1 drm, ipecacuanha 10 gr., tinc. of opium 10 
drops, distilled water 2 ozs.; mix. Give to a child two years old a 
teaspoonful every four hours, increasing ten drops for every additional 
year.

                         450. FOR WINTER COUGH, &c
Take of powered extract of liquorice 2 drms, gum acacia 2 drms, hot water 
4 oz.; mix. Let all dissolve, and add tinc. of opium 40 drops, spirits of 
nitric ether 1 drm., wine of antimony 2 drms. Dose, one tablespoonful in 
catarrh and common winter cough.

                            451. TONIC MIXTURE
Take of calomba 2 ozs., tine. of muriate of iron 1 1/2 oz., sulphate of 
quinine 20 grs., brandy 6 ozs., water 1 1/2 pint, bruise the calumba and 
pour the water on it boiling hot, cover tightly for two hours, then 
strain, bottle, and add all the other ingredients, when the quinine is 
dissolved it is ready for use. This forms an excellent tonic in cases of 
debility. Dose, one tablespoonful three times a-day half an hour before 
meals.

                        452. ANTI-PERIODIC MIXTURE
Take of sulphate of quinine 20 grs., sulphuric acid 1 drop, white sugar 1 
drm., cinnamon water 2 1/2,; put the quinine, acid and water into a vial 
together, when dissolved add the sugar. Dose, a teaspoonful every hour, 
between the paroxysms of intermittent fevers, fever and ague, &c.

                         453. EMMENAGOGUE MIXTURE
Take of tinc. of aloes 1/2 oz., tinc. of chloride of iron 1/2 drm., tinc. 
of valerian 1/2 oz.; mix. Take a teaspoonful in chamomile tea two or three 
times a-day in cases of amenorrhoea.

                          454. ANTI-GOUT MIXTURE
Take of ammoniated tinc. of guaiac 6 drms., camphor water 6 ozs., tinc. of 
rhubarb 1/2 oz., and honey 1/2 oz.; mix, by rubbing the honey and the 
guaiac up in a glass mortar, and then add the other articles by degrees. 
Give two tablespoonsful every four or six hours, and rub with the 
anti-rheumatic liniment.


                       455. ANTI-GONORRHOEAL MIXTURE
Take of copaibe 1/2 oz., spirts of nitric ether 1/2 oz., powdered acacia 1 
drm., powered white sugar 1 drm., compound spts. of lavender 2 drms., 
tinc. of opium 1 drm., distilled water 4 oz.; mix. Dose, a tablespoonful 
three times a-day. Shake before using.

                               456. ANOTHER
Take of copaibe 1 oz., sweet spirits of nitre 1 oz., gum acacia powdered 
white sugar 1 drm., peppermint water 4 oz.; mix, and let all dissolve. 
Dose, a tablespoonful three times a-day. Shake before using.

                         457. ASTRINGENT EYE-WATER
Take of solution of acetate of lead 12 drops, wine of opium 11 drops, rose 
water 4 ozs.; mix, and let dissolve. This should be applied with a linen 
rag four or five times a-day.

                              458. EYE-WATER
Take of distilled vinegar 1 oz., diluted spirits of wine 1/2 oz., rose 
water 8 ozs., mix. An excellent application to weak eyes after depletion.

                            459. ALUM EYE-WATER
Take of rose water 2 ozs., distilled water 2 oz., and alum 1 scruple; mix 
and let dissolve. Excellent in chronic inflamations.

                           460. GARGLE OF BORAX
Take of borax 1 drm., tinc. of myrrh 1/2 oz., clarified honey 1 oz., rose 
or distilled water, 4 oz.; mix. To be used as a gargle or mouth wash in 
sore mouth or affection of the gums. Omit the myrrh and water, and there 
is nothing better for the thrush in children; clean rain water answers 
about the same purpose, in all cases, as distilled water.

                        461. GARGLE FOR SORE THROAT
Take of sulphate of quinine 15 grains, sulphate of copper 16 grains, 
aramotic sulphuric acid 1 drm., water 8 ozs.; mix and dissolve. To be used 
frequently in chronic and obstinate sore throats.

                          462. OINTMENT FOR PILES
Take of lard 1 oz., solution of subacetate of lead 25 drops, tinc. of 
opium 1 drm.; mix well. Anoint the parts twice a day.

                          463. OINTMENT FOR ITCH
Take of sublimed sulphur 2 ozs., lard 4 ozs., oil of lavender 1 drm. Make 
into an ointment. To be rubbed on the parts affected every night, till the 
eruption disappears. The internal use of sulphur will, in all cases, 
assist its external application.

                         464. BLISTERING OINTMENT
Take of lard 32 parts, oil of almonds 2 parts, strong liquor of ammonia 17 
parts; melt the lard, add the oil, then the ammonia, must be strong, and 
keep the contents of the bottle well mixed by shaking them until cold. 
This will blister in half an hour.


                           465. IODINE OINTMENT
Take of iodine 3 grs., lard 2 drms.; make into an ointment; applied to 
scrofulous swellings when the skin is unbroken. It is the only cure for 
what is popularly termed thick neck.

                      466. OINTMENT OF IODINE OF ZINC
Take of iodide of zinc 1 drm., lard 1 oz.; make onto an ointment. A drm. 
to be rubbed on twice a day in tumors.

                       467. OINTMENT FOR CHILBLAINS
Take of lard 7 1/2 drms., creosote 10 drops, solution of subacetate of 
lead 10 drops, watery extract of opium 1 grain; mix. Apply to the affected 
parts.

                  468. OINTMENT FOR DISEASES OF THE SKIN
Take of citrine ointment 1 1/2 drm., sublimed sulphur 1 drm., lard 3 ozs.; 
make an ointment. This is a good application for almost all affections of 
the skin.

                          469. EMOLLIENT OINTMENT
Take of palm oil 2 lbs., olive oil 1 pint, turpentine 4 oz., red beeswax 6 
ozs.; melt the wax in the oils, and then add the turpentine and strain the 
ointment. This is a most excellent application for inflamed parts, &c.

                          470. POKE ROOT OINTMENT
Take of poke root 3 ozs., lard 1 lb., boil for a quarter of an hour and 
strain. This ointment has quite a reputation in Virginia, with the old 
ladies, for all kinds of old sores and ulcers, and it is an excellent 
application to indolent and purulent ulcers and sores.

                      471. OINTMENT FOR HYDROCEPHALUS
Take of iodide of mercury 2 parts, iodide of potassium 3 parts, camphor 2 
parts, lard 32 parts; mix and keep well corked. To be rubbed on the head 
in hydrocephalus or water on the brain in doses of half a drachm to a 
drachm.

                          472. LINAMENT FOR BURNS
Take of olive oil 1 oz., linseed oil 1 oz., lime water 1 oz.; mix well. 
This forms an excellent application for recent scalds and burns

                          473. VOLATILE LINAMENT
Take of olive oil 1 oz., aqua ammonia 1 oz.; mix. To be applied to bruses, 
rheumatic parts, &c., and to the neck in inflammation of the throat.

                          474. ALKALINE CATAPLASM
Take of lye, rather weak, warm it and stir in of slippery elm bark or 
flaxseed, or meal sufficient to form a poultice. This is a most excellent 
poultice, and should be used more than it is. It is useful in inflammation 
of the breast and other parts, felons, wounds, fistula, &c.



                         475. ANODYNE FOMENTATION
Take of laudanum 4 ozs., water 1 pint; mix. For painful affections of the 
joints, as chronic rheumatism, &c., hops dipped in hot vinegar will answer 
as well.

                            476. COMMON CLYSTER
Take of flaxseed tea or cornmeal gruel, from one to two pints, sweet oil 2 
or 3 ounces, common salt one teaspoonful, brown sugar two tablespoonsful; 
mix.

                           477. ANODYNE CLYSTER
Take of a solution of starch in water, of jelly, or water half a pint, 
laudanum forty drops; mix. The whole to be injected in cases of dysentery, 
violent purging and pain in the bowels.

                      478. INJECTION FOR LEUCORRHOEA
Take of sulphate of zinc 10 grs., tinc. of opium 1/2 drm., rose water 4 
oz.; mix and dissolve. To be injected several times a day.

                                479 ANOTHER
Take of alum 10 grs., rose water 4 oz.; mix and dissolve. To be used 
frequently.

                           480. ESSENCE OF BEEF
Take of lean beef sliced 1 lb., put it into a bottle or jar closely 
corked; place this in a vessel of cold water and boil for an hour or more; 
then decant and skim the liquid. Chicken tea may be made in the same way. 
For more nourishing and palatable than beef tea, season it to suit the 
taste.

                            481. IMPERIAL DRINK
Take of cream of tartar one drm., the outer rind of fresh lemon or orange 
peel half a drm., loaf sugar one ounce, boiling water two pints. When they 
have stood in a pitcher about ten minutes, strain off the liquor. This 
makes a beautiful cooling drink, and is an excellent article in fevers.

                           482. RINGWORM LOTION
Take of sublimate of mercury, 5 grains; spirits of wine, 2 oz.; tinc. of 
musk, 1 drachm; rose water, 6 oz.; mix well, and rub well in.

                       483. WHISKERS AND MOUSTACHES
The best method of promoting the growth of whiskers and moustaches, is to 
shave the parts frequently, and use as a stimulant the ashes of burned 
tobacco macerated in bay water.

                              484 COUGH SYRUP
Take of hoarhound, 1 quart; water 1 quart; mix and boil down to a pint; 
then add two or three sticks of liquorice and a tablespoonful of essence 
of lemon; dose, a tablespoonful three times a day, or as often as the 
cough is troublesome.


                             485. BLACK SALVE
Take of sweet oil 1 oz., linseed oil 1 oz., pulverized red lead 1 oz.; put 
all into an iron dish over a moderate fire, constantly stirring until you 
can draw your finger over a drop of it on a board, when a little cool, 
without sticking; when it is done, spread on a cloth and apply as other 
slaves.

                           486. SEIDLITZ POWDERS
Take of rochelle salts, 2 drachms; bicarbonate of soda, 2 scruples; put 
these into a blue paper, and put 35 grains of tartaric acid into a white 
paper. To use, put each into different tumblers, half fill each with 
water, and put a little loaf sugar in with the acid, then pour them 
together and drink; this makes a very pleasant cathartic. Effervescing 
draught is made by leaving out the rochelle salts.

                             487. CAMPHOR ICE.
Take of spermaceti, 1 1/2 oz.; gum camphor, 3/4 oz.; oil of sweet almonds, 
4 teaspoonsful; mix, and apply heat just enough to melt all together. 
Whilst warm, pour into small moulds, then paper, and put up in tin-foil. 
This, for chaps on hands or lips, cannot be equalled.

                            488. FOR SALT RHEUM
Take a quantity of the pokeweed, any time in summer, pound it, press out 
the juice, strain it into a pewter dish, and set it in the sun until it 
acquires the consistency of salve; then put it into an earthen mug, add to 
it water and beeswax sufficient to make an ointment of common consistency. 
Simmer the whole over a fire till thoroughly mixed; when cold, it is ready 
for use. To be rubbed on the part affected. The most obstinate cases have 
yielded to this in three or four months. Try it.

                           489. ARTIFICIAL SKIN
Dissolve gun cotton in sulphuric ether, and thicken it with gum mucilage. 
This article touched upon a cut or bruise, forms, immediately, an 
artificial skin, which cannot be washed off. It is very useful as it 
obviates the necessity of finger cots or bandages. It is excellent for 
sore nipples.

                           490. HAIR RESTORATIVE
Take of sugar of lead, 1 oz.; lack sulphur, 1 oz.; essence of bergamot, 
1/2.; bay rum, 1 gill; alcohol, 1 gill; and half a teaspoonful of salt; 
dissolve, first, the sugar of lead and sulphur in the alcohol, then the 
other ingredients; and add the whole to a gallon of warm soft water, then 
bottle it tightly, and it is fit for use. To be applied several times a 
day. This is a most excellent article, give it a trail.

                      491. TO REMOVE WARTS AND CORNS
This is very often done by means of nitrate of silver, or some of the 
mineral acids; but the best caustic for this purpose is that recommended 
for cancer in the skin.


                          492. CANCER IN THE SKIN
No one but an impostor will presume to cure a true cancer, containing the 
cancer cell, and situated in the muscles. Many times hard tumors, not 
containing the cancer cell, are called cancers, and are removed by 
different methods, which is very easily accomplished, without a danger of 
their returning; by which means base quacks become lauded by the 
illiterate, for their superior skill in banishing this dreadful malady, 
and the orphan, and finally, in consequence thereof, plunge themselves 
headlong over yonder precipice of eternal misery. Cancer which are 
situated in the skin, and are sometimes called spider cancers, &c., may be 
cured by the following caustic: take of sulphate of iron, 1 part; and 
acetate of lead, 1 part; pulverize each separately, as fine as possible, 
and mix well together; then, by means of a probe or knitting-needle, touch 
the cancer with it every morning for three or four times, and you will be 
able to draw it all out; after which apply adhesive straps that it may 
heal. It is used in the same way to destroy corns and warts. In the case 
of cancer, physic well before applying it.

                              493. FOR WORMS
Give a child one year old 15 drops of spirits of turpentine on sugar, 
fasting, for three mornings in succession; follow the last dose with a 
good dose of castor oil; this forms an excellent vermifuge. The dose of 
spirits of turpentine for a child two years old is 20 drops, three years 
old 25 drops, four years old 30 drops, &c.

                           494. SPASMODIC CROUP
Genuine croup is indeed of very rare occurrence, and is a fearfully 
dangerous disease, the only chances are to call in a physician at once. In 
genuine croup, the child seems to have a cold and is hoarse for a few days 
previous to the attack; but the fit generally comes on suddenly in 
spasmodic croup, which may be treated as follows. During the fit put the 
child in a warm bath, apply hot water to the throat, allow fresh air, and 
sprinkle the face and chest with cold water.

                            495. FOR FLATULENCY
Make a tea of the seeds of anise, caraway, and coriander, and drink freely 
of it.

                             496. FOR HICCOUGH
Take five drops of oil of anise on sugar when they commence to be 
troublesome.

                            497. FOR HEARTBURN
This is a very disagreeable sensation, but may be banished by taking a 
teaspoonful of carbonate of soda dissolved in half a tumbler full of 
sweetened water.

                              498. ERYSIPELAS
This when very bad needs the attendance of a physician; when not so bad, 
paint the inflamed part over with white lead, mixed with paint oil, it is 
an excellent remedy.


                              499. FOR FELON
Poultice well with flaxseed meal until matter begins to form, then at once 
have it well laid open with a lance, continue the poultice for some time 
afterwards.

                           500. HAIR RESTORATIVE
Take of black mustard seed 1/2 oz., red pepper 15 grains, blood root 1/2 
oz., cantharides 15 grains, castile soap 1/2 oz., alcohol one quart; mix 
all together in a bottle, let stand for a week, occasionally shaking. 
Perfume with oil of bergamot, and apply three or four times a day.

                 501. TO KILL RATS AND MICE WITHOUT POISON
Slice up a quantity of corks, grease, and scent them with oil of anise; 
throw them in the way of the rats and mice; they will eat, but cannot 
digest them; the result is they will die.

                              502. EYE WATER
One part of good brandy, to six of clean rain or distilled water, makes an 
admirable eye water for most cases of sore eyes.

                   503. FOR CHRONIC GOUT AND RHEUMATISM
Take of bicarbonate of potash 1/2 drachm, tincture of orange 2 drachms, 
compound decoction of aloes 8 oz., mix. Dose, a wine glass full whenever 
the fit is expected. This is Sir A. Cooper's prescription.

                      504. FOR SICKNESS AND VOMITING
Take of creosote 16 drops, acetic acid 16 drops, compound spirit of 
juniper 1 oz., syrup 1 oz., water 14 oz.; mix the creosote with the acid, 
add gradually the water, and lastly the syrup and spirit. Dose from two to 
four tablespoonsful.

                            505. LAXATIVE PILL
Take of powdered aloes 1 drachm, gamboge 10 grains, Castile soap and water 
sufficient to make a pill mass; mix and divide into 34 pills. Dose, one 
two, or three, to be given when necessary, for torpid bowels.

                             506. FOR HEADACHE
In case of a severe attack of headache the best remedy is, generally, to 
take a good strong physic of salts and senna. If this does not relieve it, 
or where the person is very frequently troubled with headache, apply a 
blister to the back of the neck, you will find it an excellent remedy.

                        507. ANTIDOTES FOR POISONS
The antidotes for poisoning with the strong mineral acids, such as nitric, 
muriatic, sulphuric, or oxalic acids are magnesia, chalk, whiting, in milk 
or water; mucilaginous or soapy liquids. When sulphuric acid has been 
taken, use very little water if any. Irritate the throat with a feather to 
produce vomiting.
The antidote for poisoning with corrosive sublimate or any other 
preparation of mercury, is albumen, as whites of eggs, in large quantity, 
flour and water, and milk. The whites of eggs are best.


The antidotes for poisoning by opium, or any of its preparations, as 
morphia, laudanum, &c., are the stomach pump if it can be had; emetic of 
tartar emetic, 2 to 5 grains, or sulphate of zinc, 15 to 30 grains, or 
sulphate of copper, 12 to 15 grs., for an adult. The sulphates of zinc or 
copper are best, because they act quicker. External excitation, keep in 
motion, mechanical excitement of respiration, cold effusion to the head 
and face, feet in hot water, electro-magnetism, internal stimulants, as 
bicarbonate of ammonia, 5 to 25 grains in water, carbonate of ammonia, 5 
to 15 grains, in water, coffee and vegetable acids. Some propose as an 
antidote for every case of poisoning, half a pint of bland oil, as sweet 
oil, fresh butter melted to oil, &c., to be drank at once, for an adult.

                        508. TREATMENT OF DROWNING
If respiration has ceased when the body is taken out of the water, it 
should instantly be commenced artificially, by putting a pipe into one 
nostril, and closing the mouth and the other nostril, and very gently 
blowing through it about 15 times in a minute; but it is a better plan to 
use a small pair of bellows, putting its muzzle into the nostril, at the 
same time the body should be wiped dry, and be assiduously rubbed with hot 
cloths; hot bricks and bottles of hot water should be put into the armpit, 
between the thighs, and to the feet; the head should be raised, the 
nostrils irritated with a feather, or the fumes of hartshorn, and a warm 
injection of turpentine, made as follows, may be thrown up - oil of 
turpentine, 3 drachms; gruel, 1/2 pint; and the yolk of 1 egg. Incorporate 
the turpentine with the egg, then add the gruel. Galvanism should be 
resorted to, if respiration is not quickly restored. As soon as the 
patient can swallow, he should have some weak wine and water; and soon 
afterwards an emetic of a large tablespoonful of mustard, mixed with 6 
ozs. of water, to clear the stomach of the water which he has swallowed, 
and to restore the circulation by the impetus of vomiting. After some 
hours he will suffer from severe headache and fever, which must be 
relieved by bleeding, purgatives, &c., which will be attended to by a 
physician, who will be present by this time. A case is related in which 
life was restored by the most persevering friction, which was kept up for 
eight hours before the humanity of the surgeon, Dr. Douglass, of Havre, 
was rewarded by a return of respiration.

                    509. GOOD SAMARITAN OR PAIN-KILLER
Take of 95 percent alcohol 2 quarts, and add to it the following articles: 
oils of sarsafras and hemlock, spirits of turpentine, balsam of fir, 
chloriform, tincture of catechu and guaiacum, of each 1 oz., oil of 
origanum 2 oz., oil of wintergreen 1/2 oz., and gum of camphor, 1/2 oz. 
Let it all be well incorporated and you have the most excellent pain 
killer that was ever made. It is good for rheumatism, headache, neuralgia, 
cuts, sprains, burns, bruises, spinal affections, ear-ache, tooth-ache, 
sore throat, &c. This is used internally and externally, the dose 
internally is 10 drops; take on sugar.
                                   ***



The Misfits (c) 1993

&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&**&

The rest of this text file contains jokes and humorous text. If you don't want
to read it abort now!

#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#@@#

The Misfits are: Drug Lord, EViL, Mad Dog, Predat0r, Sinister X, & Spermie!
The Misfits can be reached at Blitzkrieg Bbs 502/499-8933 NUP:Samhain
If you are interested in joining please leave email to one of the members,
we are always looking for stories and text to include in our issues.

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    ____
   / /  \
  /      \
 |        )
 | O\ O  /
  \_/\__/\
    \     \
     \ __  \
      |  `  L__             It's ain't easy being a dick!
       \    __ )            I've got a head I can't think with,
        |    //             and eye I can't see out of,
        |   //              I have to hang around with
      _/    `-'\            two nuts all the time,
     /    /     \           my closest neighbor is an asshole,
    /    |       |          and my best friend is a pussy!
   |     |       |
   |      \     /
    \____/ `+-+'
      | |   | |_
     _| |   L___)
    (___|




                      ********************************

Little 8 year old Mary came in the kitchen one afternoon and said, "Hey
Mom, can I get pregnant?"  "Of course not," was her mother's reply.
"Are you absolutely sure," asked Mary.  "Certainly," said her Mother.
Mary ran back out the door and said, "OK guys, same game."

                      ********************************

A woman went to the doctor and told him that most of the pizazz had gone
out of their lovemaking and her husband didn't pay much attention to her
anymore.  The doctor told her that a lot of it was mental preparation
and recommended the following:  Greet him after work with a martini and
a lustful kiss, than a candlelight dinner of his favorite meal.  He also
gave her a powder to place in his after dinner coffee.  She was to
report to him the next morning, as to the results.
"I followed your instructions to the letter," she told the doctor, "and
I am very satisfied." " When he came in from work, I met him with a
pitcher of martini's and gave him a very horny kiss.  We had his
favorite meal and I slipped the powder into his coffee.  He drank it,
looked at me, took hold of the tablecloth and snatched it off the table.
China, crystal, and silverware, went flying in all directions.  He then
ripped my clothes off, threw me on the table and ate me, then he screwed
me, like he used to do when we were in college."  The doctor said, " I
am sure glad that it worked out so great, but I am sorry that so much of
the china and crystal got broken."  "Oh that is alright," she replied,
"we didn't like that restaurant very much anyway!"


                      ********************************

Little Johnny and his Dad were walking in the park one afternoon and saw
two dogs screwing.  "Daddy, what are they doing," Johnny asked?  "Why
they are making puppies," his Dad said.  That night Johnny caught his
mother in the classic missionary position and his dad pounding away.
"What are you doing, Dad,"  Johnny asked?  "We are making babies," his
Dad told him.  "Turn her over Dad," said Johnny, "I'd rather have a
puppy."

                      ********************************


A man decided that he had had enough of the city rat race so he bought a
piece of property about 3 days from anywhere and built him a cabin.  He
had been there about 6 months and heard a knock on the door.  He opened
it and there stood 'Grizzly Adams.'  "Howdy neighbor" says Grizzly.  The
man replies, "I don't have any neighbors."  Grizzly sez, "I meant that I
live 4 canyons east of here and thought that I would come by to meet you
and ask you to a party, Sat nite."  The man thought for a minute and
decided that a party would be nice after being alone for 6 months.  He
told Grizzly that he would be glad to come.  Grizzly said, "Now there
will be some drinking at this party, will that bother you?"  "Hell no,"
said the man, "I haven't had a drop in a long time."  "There will also
be some fighting, will that bother you," asked Grizzly.  The man said,
"No, I have rather missed having a bit of excitement."  Grizzly sez,
"And one more thing, there will be some sex.., is that a problem?"  The
guy says, "After so long without, that would be nice."  "Who all is
going to be at this party," the man asked?

Grizzly grins and replies, "Well there's me and there's you!
                      ********************************

An old couple went to the doctor for the man's annual check up.  Doc
says to the man, "I need a urine sample, stool sample, and semen
sample."  The old man, being hard of hearing, looked at his wife and
said, "what did he say?"  She replied, "he said that he needs to see a
pair of your underwear."
                      ********************************

A janitor was sweeping the hall one day and as he passed where the
Priest was having confession, the Priest ran out and asked him to sit in
for him a few minutes while he went to the restroom.  The janitor asked,
"what do I do?"  The Priest told him that there was a list on the wall.
Just listen to what they say and tell them what it says on the list.
The first man came in and confessed to committing adultery.  The janitor
checked the list and told him to go say three 'Hail Mary's'.  Everything
was going fine until a lady came in and told him that she had taken it
anally, the nite before.  He checked his list and didn't find Anal Sex
listed, anywhere.  He stuck his head out the door and saw two choir boys
walking toward him.  "What does the Father give for anal sex, he asked
them?"  "Two snickers and a soda," was the reply.
                      *********************************



               10 Things That Never Happen In Porn Movies
               ==========================================

1.  No women ever yelps that someone is on her hair.

2.  No change, keys, or wallets ever fall out of a man's trousers
    regardless of how he takes them off.

3.  No matter how many people start fornicationg in an open bar, cafe,
    or any other public business, or in any part of a house filled with
    people no one ever walks in unless it is a plot point.

4.  No one ever seems surprised or annoyed if someone walks in while
    they're having sex. (Unless it's a plot point.)

5.  No woman is without fancy underwear at all times.

6.  No woman has sexual activity without high heels on.

7.  No woman ever accidently squish a guy's testicles.

8.  There are no virgins or near-virgins who do not know all the
    positions and acts and know that fellatio and cunnilingus are Standard.

9.  No woman expresses surprise or disapproval (unless the dissaproval
    is temporary) when another woman comes on to her.

10. No man ever comes too soon.





I just heard this one . . .

A polak<sp?> is sitting at a bar when this guy comes up to him and says,
"Hey, do you know what has four arms, four legs, two heads, and sucks
dick?"
Dumbfounded, the polak replies, "No, I can't say that I do."
The guy replies, "You and your brother!  HA-HA!"  Then walks away.
The polak liked this joke, so he decided to tell it to someone else.  He
walks over to this stranger and asks, "Do you know what has four arms,
four legs, two heads, and sucks dick?"
With a confused look, the guy replies, "No, what?"
A smile on his face, the polak says, "Me and my brother!"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

A farmer heard a knock on the door one day.  Answering it, he saw a
stranger.

"Look, I hope you don't mind me bothering you," spoke the stranger, "but
I was just passing by and noticed you have some milk-weeds in you field,
and I was wondering if you would mind me getting some milk?"

The farmer looked at the man as if he were crazy, "Boy, ya aint getin'
no milk out a' them there milk weeds!  It's down right imposs'ble!"

"Well, do you mind if I try anyway?"  The man inquired.

"Go right 'head boy," retorted the farmer while shaking his head.

After a while the farmer heard another knock at his door.  Answering it
he found the same man, with two gallons of milk.  Expecting it was one
big prank on him, he eyed the man suspiciously.

"Hi again," the man spoke, "On my way back I passed some honey-suckles,
and I was wondering if you would mind me getting some honey?"

The farmer spat, "Damnit boy, aint no way ta get honey from no
honey-suckles!"

"Well, do you mind if I try?"

"Go 'head," the farmer said, shaking his head again.

A while later, he heard another knock on his door.  Answering it he
found the stanger standing there with two jars full of honey.

"Hi again," the stranger smiled, "On my way back, I noticed some
pussy-willows over . . ."

"Hold on son, I'm gettin' my boots!!"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

 Now the obligatory joke ... I saw this "menu" recently:



-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-

                               M E N U
                               ~~~~~~~

                          THE ROADKILL CAFE

                     You Kill It ... We Grill It!
    Eating food is more fun ... When you know that it was hit on the run!

ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³                           E N T R E E S                                ³
³                                                                        ³
³Centre Line Bovine "Tastes real good, straight from the hood!"     4.95 ³
³                                                                        ³
³The Chicken        "That didn't cross the road"                    3.95 ³
³                                                                        ³
³Flat Cat          (Served as a single...or in a snack)             2.95 ³
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ

 A Taste on the Wild Side           ³       Canine Cuisine
   (Still in the hide!)             ³      (You'll eat like a hog...
                                    ³      when you taste our dog!)
                                    ³
 Chunk of Skunk             1.95    ³  Slab of Lab               2.95
 Smidgen of Pidgeon         1.95    ³  Pit Bull Pot Pie          1.95
 Road Toad a la mode        1.65    ³  Cocker Cutlets            3.95
 Shake 'N" Bake Snake       2.25    ³  Shar-Pei fillet           5.95
 Swirl of Squirrel          1.55    ³  Poodles 'N' Noodles       5.95
 Whippoorwill On The Grill  3.30    ³  Snippet of Whippet        4.50
 Narrow Sparrow             1.10    ³  Collie Hit by a Trolley   3.95
 Rigor Mortis Tortoise      6.75    ³  German Shepherd Pie       3.95
                                    ³  Round of Hound            4.25
  ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
  ³Try our Bag'n'Gag Daily Take-Out Special!³
  ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ


Late Night Delight!                           Guess That Mess!                                        ³                            ³
 Rack of Raccoon    3.95                   A daily Special Treat!
 Smear of Deer      4.95                If you can guess what it is ...
 Awesome Possum     1.95                    You Eat it For Free!
 Cheap Sheep        1.05

 <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

           The Night After Christmas

`Twas the night after Christmas, and boy, what a house!
 I felt like hell, and so did the spouse.
 The eggnog and turkey and candy were swell,
 but ten hours later, I sure didn't feel well.

 The stockings weren't hung by the chimney with care,
 the darned things were sprawled on the back of a chair.
 The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
 but I had a large pack of ice on my head!

 And when I finally dozed off in a nap,
 the ice woke me up when it fell on my lap.
 Then for some unknown reason, I wanted a drink,
 so I started feeling my way to the sink.
 I got along fine, till I stepped on the cat,
 I don't recall what happened after that.
 When I came to, the house was flooded with light,
 although under a table, I was high as a kite!

 While visions of sugar plums danced in my head,
 I somehow got up and back into bed.
 Then what to my wandering eyes should appear...
 but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer!
 Then the sleigh seemed to change into a red fire truck,
 and each reindeer turned into a bleary eyed buck.
 I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
 I tried to call out, but my tongue was too thick.

 Then the old devil whistled and shouted with glee,
 while the bucks pawed the earth as they grinned at me!
 Then he called them by names, and the names made me shudder.
 When I heard them, I felt like a ship minus a rudder!
 "Now Eggnog! Bacardi! Now Bourbon and Brandy!"
 "Now Fruitcake! Cold turkey! Gin Rickey and Candy!"
 To the top of his head, to the top of his skull,
 now whack away, crack away, with thumps that are dull!

 And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof,
 the prancing and pawing of each cloven hoof.
 How long this went on, I'm sure I can't say,
 though it seemed like eternity, plus one more day!
 But finally, the night after Christmas had passed,
 and I found I could really think at last!
 So I thought of the New Year a few days away,
 and I've made me a vow that no temper can sway.

 I'm sticking to water - don't even want ice!
 But there's nothing as tasty or nothing as nice.
 The night after New Year's may bother some guys,
 but I've learned my lesson, and now I am wise.
 You can have your rich victuals and liquor that's red,
 but what goes to my stomach won't go to my head.
 So a big Happy New Year to you and to all,
 I'm back on the wagon, and hope I don't fall!


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> T'was the night before Christmas
> when all through the house
> everyone felt shitty, even the mouse.
>
> With mom at the whorehouse
> and dad smoking grass,
> I just settled down for a nice piece of ass!
>
> When out on the lawn I heard
> such a chatter,
> I sprang from my piece to see
> what's the matter.
>
> And out on the lawn I saw a big dick...
> I knew in a moment it must be St. Prick.
>
> He came down the chimney
> like a bat out of hell
> I knew right away, the fat fucker fell.
>
> He filled all the stockings
> with dubies and beer,
> and a big rubber dick
> for my brother the queer.
>
> He went up the chimney
> with a thunderous fart,
> the son of a bitch
> blew the chimney apart.
>
> He swore and he cursed
> as he rode out of sight
> "Piss on you all!
> And have a hell of a night!


<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

    Oh, for any Trekkies that may be around (and haven't seen this yet),
here's some Christmas songs for ya...

From Jean-Luc Picard (to the tune of "Let it Snow")

Oh, the vacuum outside is endless,
unforgiving, cold and friendless,
but since we must boldly go...
Make it so, make it so, make it so...

From Wil Riker (to the tune of "Deck The Halls")

Here's a vexing Christmas riddle, fa la la la la, la la la la
Why must I play second fiddle?  Fa la la la la, la la la la
How can I impress Deanna?  Fa la la, la la la, la la la
When I'm number 2 banana?  Fa la la la la, la la, la la.

From good ol' Weasly Crusher (to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen")

I'm at Starfleet Academy and I'd just like to say...
I miss the opportunity to weekly save the day---
To make things worse I have to be in some dumb Christmas play!
Yes I'm bright, though I'm just a teenaged boy, teenaged boy,
and the Enterprise was my most favourite toy.

And from Data...

Jingle bells, Jingle bells, jingle all the way!
Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh---
Or so I am reliably informed... lacking a subjective and intuatively perceived
referent for the term 'fun', I am able only to report the phenomenon as
experienced by others, whose individual perceptions somewhat colour the--
Yes, sir.

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><


There once was a man named McSweeney
Who spilled some gin on his weeney
And just to be couth
he added Vermouth
And slipped his girl a martini!

There was a young man from Vanarden
Being blown by his wife in the garden
He said, "My dear Flo,
Where does all that stuff go?"
And she said <gulp>,"I beg your pardon?"

$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@


Rules of Bedroom Golf:

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and
two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the
balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners
are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to
the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the
course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may
result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to
admire the entire course, with special attention to the well-formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are
currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have
been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time.
Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else
playing on what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some
players may be embarassed if they find the course to be temporarily under
repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More
advanced players will find alternate means of play with this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at
a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performace, time permitting, to play the same
hole several times in one match.


%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&


The Muppets Frog went to a bank to finance his next show.  Linus
Paddiwack asked him if he had collaterial.  Frog paused ...
Then he took out a ceramic model of Miss Piggie.

The loan officer, not entirely familiar with lending money to
ficticiuos characters excuses himself and returns with the branch
vice president (WHY?? do banks have more vice presidents than
workers?).

Anyway, the V.P. looks at the ceramic model and said,
"Well, that's a knick-knack, Paddiwack.  Give the frog a loan."

!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#


Here's one for you all:

There once was a priest who was out on a chartered fishing yacht one
day.

When he had a huge strike, everyone gathered around to see him reel in
one of the biggest fish ever caught in those waters.

When he had it safely landed, the captain exclaimed, "Wow, would you
look at that son-of-a-bitch-fish?!?"  Whereupon the kindly prelate
complained.

The captain told him, however, that this was the proper term for that
particular fish.

Sure enough, when they got to shore, the dock hands all gaped at the
enormous catch, saying, "Will you look at that son-of-a-bitch-fish?!?"
By now, the father was convinced that they weren't all pulling his leg.

When he got home to the rectory, he proudly showed his prize to the
Mother Superior, exclaiming, "Look at this beautiful son-of-a-bitch!"

The nun raised her eyebrows at the priest's un-expected language, and
was quickly re-assured that it was the proper terminology for this fish.

Later that evening, the priest and the nun were entertaining a new,
young priest in their parish and served him a beautiful fish dinner.

He was quite surprised to hear the both of them often remarking about
the wonderful "son-of-a-bitch-fish".

At the end of the meal, when they asked him how he thought he might fit
in with the parish, he replied, "Shit, I think I'm gonna' get along with
all of you mother-fuckers real well!!!"

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(c) Copyright 1993 by The Misfits
Call Blitzkrieg Bbs @502/499-8933 NUP:SAMHAIN
