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              SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
####========================================================####
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE                        VOL 4, 56
####========================================================####
"Three years and           REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
still going strong"

         	    *      PPPPPP  U    U RRRRRR  PPPPPP  SSSSSS   
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
Pope Jephe: jstevens@world.std.com
Doc Simpson: scott@plearn.bitnet
Subscriptions: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
Back issues ftp from quartz.rutgers.edu in /pub/journals/purps
HOW TO SUBSCRIBE: send a mail message to the HailOtis address with saying
subscribe me and you will be subscribed. It's easy and painless and it's
next to impossible to goof up.
####===================================================================####
                                   INTRO
####===================================================================####
Welcome to the theoretically on time Heethormas issue of Purps. As you may
have noticed a line has been added above on how to subscribe. We've been
receiving reports that people new to the net have trouble subscribing to
Purps. It's amazingly easy. Just send us a note and it's done. Any and all
the old addresses work. Even the new fixed listserver worked. [You can
send stuff to HailOtis@sit.sop.fau.edu for submissions or
listproc@sit.sop.fau.edu if you want to subscribe, unsubscribe yourself.]

This issue contains a walloping amount of stuff from the Pope so listen up!
It even has a Heethormas story or two along with a starting revelation
about a supposed home safety produce. Also included in these hallowed
pages are more information on Barney. Pay close attention this material and
go back and read the old purps with Barney warnings in them. This time of
year everyone becomes extremely susceptible to the Purple Con artist.  Don't
let this happen to you! Always remember that your valuable resources can be
much better spent on the Intergalactic House of FruitCakes. Barney may
satisfy a small child for a few moments but knowing you'll be saved by Otis
will satisfy for life.

Lord knows what else to say so I'll shut up and get on with it. It appears
that our listserver is actually working.

Oh one more note. The editors of Purps will be off line for a while
attending secret Heethormas celebrations so don't be too surprised if you
in the next couple weeks you send something and you don't hear anything.

Speaking of sending. PURPS NEEDS YOUR SUBMISSIONS! PURPS REALLY REALLY
REALLY NEEDS YOUR SUBMISSIONS! We could especially use material for a new
years issue which should be out sometime after New Years. It's the start of
another year and time to look deep inside you soul for revelations of Otis!
####===================================================================####
                        Augmented Hinder to Woo Fans
####===================================================================####
[Of course an official Otisian robe would have accomplished the same job.]
From: jten@crl.com (John Tenney)
Subject: additions to musicians
Date: 14 Nov 1993 12:14:49 -0800
 
I'm a musician by trade & recently heard what suspiciously sounds like a
FOAF story: that Barry Manilow hired someone to make a set of prosthetic
buttocks for him to wear in performance because his own ass is so scrawny.
Any truth to this? Have to report on one other thing I believe true: that
Michael Damian, soap star and lead player in Broadway's *Joseph and His
etc.* has a "washboard stomach" pattern applied to his own stomach with
makeup before every show. (NB it's running under the lights by intermission
& has to be touched up). Or is that an UL too? JT
####===================================================================####
                              A Christmas Tale
####===================================================================####
And it came to be Christmas eve in two houses. One was a house of richness
and the other a house of poverty, still there was equal joy in both, for
tomorrow would be Christmas day. Toys and presents would arrive for
children and smiles on children's faces would arrive for the parents, or so
they thought.

In both houses stockings were hung with care. One set in front of a
fireplace with a marble hearth, in the other in front of the electric fire
place with the slightly melted mantel from one year when it almost caught
fire.

In the rich house the stockings were rich and splendid. Each stocking
matched the others and each stocking matched the attire of the children. For
some reason that year the latest fashion called for plaid pajamas. Each of
the rich children had plaid pajamas. The patterns ever so exact. The creases
every so straight. The fire retardant chemicals so fresh. Dad took out
the camcorder and recorded the whole scene while Mom directed making sure
Dad showed off how all the stockings and all the pajamas matches. Plaid
everywhere in tasteful red and green to go along with the christmas tree.
In one scene Mom even stood behind the children pointing at each and mouthing
how much each set of matching pajamas and stockings cost.

In the poor house, all they had was an instimatic camera. None of the
pajamas matched. None of the stockings did either. The glitter each child had
decorated their stockings with scattered on the floor like fallen snow. For
some reason this year all the stockings were made out of paisley material
scraps, as were the children's pajamas. They had been a big sale on them
down at the local cloth seconds shop.

In both houses all were proud and happy. Each knew that had done the most
they could for Christmas. They knew it would be good. Both sets of children
went to bed and the parents took out the gifts stuffing the stockings. The
stockings in the rich house were filled to bursting. The ones in the poor
hour were not. Still each set of stockings did have amazing treats and
surprises in them, and that's all that mattered. Both would make the
children of each family happy.

And so the parents went to bed for their long winters nap, both pairs
knowing they'd be jolted awake by happy children on Christmas morning.

And while all children and adults were asleep all around the world there
came the Great Goddess Heethor in all her Paisley glory. Around the world
she danced spreading her Heethormas joy that so many deluded people called
Christmas.

And Heethor came upon the house of the poor family and was immensely
touched in her immortal soul by the sight of all the paisley so humbly put
together. She scattered a few gifts, but vowed to come back later when she
had thought of an appropriate reward for such worship.

And Heethor the Great Goddess of all that is Paisley came upon the house of
the rich people and their plaid stockings and became sorely vexed. It was
bad enough they were celebrating Christmas instead of Heethormas and then
they go out and use unsightly and blasphemous plaid to hold the gifts she
would give them. Heethor scowled and thunder rumbled in the distance. The
wind outside blew cold. She, before passing judgement, decided to look in on
these sinners, there heretics, these evil incarnate. And so the the bedroom
she moved only to reel back in horror at the sight of the cherub like
children surrounded by devil plaid. Each tiny set of pajamas screamed out
blasphemy and due to some quirk of fate the rich parents had managed to
get sheets that were plaid (matching of course.) This was too much for
Heethor who turned herself into a divine paisley shaped whirlwind and swept
all the gifts and everything that was christmas. All she left was that
which were contaminated with plaid. The foolish sinners would wake the next
morning and receive the punishment metered out to them. True it was
Heethormas and everyone should benefit, but all that plaid had gone too far.
Clearly it was no accident.

And still in the form of a divine Paisley whirlwind Heethor visited the
house of the poor filled with the Paisley pattern. There she deposited all
she'd swept away. Presents, and goodies, and wreaths and even a christmas
tree. If fact an entire life size plastic glow in the dark santa and
sleight which had graced the roof of the rich peoples house found its way
into the poor peoples living room.  She took all her gifts and wrapped them
in prismatic Paisley paper.

And when the morning came the rich family seeing the punishment laid out to
them cast themselves out into the cold snow in despair and developed the
sniffles while the poor family totally amazed a their christmas bounty
where in a daze for a week after which time the father having figured out
the perpetrator of the benevolent act send the IGHF a donation. He had to
skip lunch for two months, but it was worth it to him after seeing the
power of the Paisley...

--Mal December 93.
####===================================================================####
                               Good Neighbors
####===================================================================####
From: lrudolph@black.clarku.edu (Lee Rudolph)
Subject: Social notes from all over (Worcester makes the wire services)
Date: 14 Nov 93 14:16:05 GMT
 
The following is extracted from an article in the New Bedford 
(Massachusetts) Standard-Times, Sunday, November 14, 1993.
 
---begin quotation---
 
GUILT HAUNTS
NEIGHBORS OF
DEAD WOMAN
 
By Jeff Donn
Associated Press Writer
 
WORCESTER--Guilt gnaws at former neighbors of 73-year-old Adele Gaboury,
who died in her kitchen and lay undiscovered in a heap of trash for four
years. ...
 
The stench and garbage at Ms. Gaboury's house prompted a complaint to
health inspectors last month.  Health officials contacted police, who found
the decomposed body Oct. 23.
 
Checking bank records and other clues, authorities determined that Ms.
Gaboury had died four years earlier, apparently of natural causes.  A phone
lay off the hook beside her bones, as though her final thought was to call
for help.
 
By nearly all accounts, Ms. Gaboury was a difficult person to help in most
situations. ...
 
Neighbors inquired about Ms. Gaboury about four years ago, after they
noticed that they hadn't seen her in a while.
 
Police acknowledge that neighbors repeatedly called them to the
working-class neighborhood of this central Massachusetts community of
160,000 to check Ms. Gaboury's property.
 
The Dugan family kept mowing the lawn, and no missing person complaint was
filed.
 
Police said a brother, Joseph Gaboury of East Brookfield, told them he
believed his sister had ended up a patient in a nursing home.  They
conveyed that false report to worried neighbors. ...
 
---end quotation---
####===================================================================####
                        More Computer Mixuped Words
####===================================================================####
[As we try to integrate our silicon friends into society they only keep
letting us down like that screwing uncle with the steel plate in his head.]
Date: Fri, 19 Nov 1993 14:14:36 -1812
From: iverson@crl.nmsu.edu (Eric Iverson)
Subject: JABBERWOCKY a la Newton (fwd)

>From: Jon Holt <holt@holt.camax.com>
 From johnsone@johnsone Thu Nov 18 16:58 CST 1993
 From: Eric Johnson <johnsone@johnsone>
 Date: Thu, 18 Nov 93 16:57:02 CST

 [This poem was generated by entering Lewis Carroll's poem "Jabberwocky",
from "Through The Looking Glass" into an Apple Newton.  Nonsense words in
the original were each written three times to get the most consistent
match.]

                 TABLESPOONS

         Teas Willis, and the sticky tours
         Did gym and Gibbs in the wake.
         All mimes were the borrowers,
         And the moderate Belgrade.
         "Beware the tablespoon my son,
         The teeth that bite, the Claus that catch.
         Beware the Subjects bird, and shred
         The serious Bandwidth!"
         He took his Verbal sword in hand:
         Long time the monitors fog he sought,
         So rested he by the Tumbled tree,
         And stood a while in thought.
         And as in selfish thought he stood,
         The tablespoon, with eyes of Flame,
         Came stifling through the trigger wood,
         And troubled as it came!
         One, two! One, two! And through and though,
         The Verbal blade went thicker shade.
         He left it dead, and with its head,
         He went gambling back.
         "And host Thai slash the tablespoon?
         Come to my arms my bearish boy.
         Oh various day! Cartoon! Cathay!"
         He charted in his joy.
         Teas Willis, and the sticky tours
         Did gym and Gibbs in the wake.
         All mimes were the borrowers,
         And the moderate Belgrade.

 Lewis Carrol's JABBERWOCKY as "recognized" by the Apple Newton,
 (c) 1993 Robert McNally. Permission is granted to reproduce this
 if the copyright remains intact.
####===================================================================####
                    Help Save the Lonely Rubber Chicken
####===================================================================####
[I know you've already seen this one. I'm just including it here because
it's IMPORTANT, and also being included in Purps means it will be archived
and will reach a lot more folks than just those on the sacred distribution
list.

Honest to Otis, Edwina is great fun. She has many stories to tell. She can
ramble on for hours about all the places Pope Jephe managed to hurl her from
in England and other European and Middle Eastern Countries. See her tell hair
raising stories of strip searches by over zealous customs agents. Stroke
her rubbery flesh and derive a mystical pleasure. Hear her whistle though
the air creating a soul soothing sound. Inhale her scent to bring you
psychedelic visions of ancient Otisian Splendor!]

Date: Sat, 27 Nov 1993 18:08:28 -0500 (EST)
From: Jeffrey Stevens <jstevens@world.std.com>
Subject: submissions

PAPAL ANNOUNCEMENT:

ONLY _YOU_ CAN PREVENT RUBBER CHICKEN LONELINESS!!!!

We are still searching for people to take photos of the Intergalactic
House of Fruitcakes' fabled rubber chicken, Edwina, in interesting poses
and places around the world.  Anyone who has interest in hosting Edwina for
any length of time (and sending along the necessary photographic evidence
to yours truly is encouraged to get in contact with me at:
jstevens@world.std.com immediately.

####===================================================================####
                           Startling Discoveries
####===================================================================####
[Personally I was of the opinion that smoke detectors cause fires since we
seem to have a lot more of them now than before people started using them.]
From: mel@rottweiler.ece.nd.edu (Melvin Gladstone)
Subject: STARTLING DISCOVERY (was: WARNING!!! BIG BROTHER)
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1993 22:52:44 GMT
 
I have been criticized for my lack of scientific backing for my warnings
about government spying.  This dispute rather much work yesterday regarding
CC decoders.  I think much of this criticism is due to denial.  People
can't face government spying.  The good effect is that I am becoming more
careful in my investigations.  Today I have some remarkable (and scary)
news regarding smoke detectors.
 
My attention was drawn to smoke detectors for several reasons:
 
    1.  The government seems to want everyone to have one (or more).
    2.  They are to be periodically tested and batteries replaced.
    3.  They are to be placed outside bedrooms.
    4.  Nobody knows how they work.
    5.  They require a nine volt battery.
 
My first suspicion was that the ever present blinking eye was used for
spying.  This turns out not to be the case.  When I took apart a smoke
detector, I found that the eye isn't connected to anything, it is a decoy.
I also found something more sinister, a cylindrical metallic case which
cannot be opened and is covered with warnings and threats with vague
references to radio activity.  The idea that the smoke detector is nucular
powered is laughable.  Clearly someone doesn't want anyone looking inside.
I believe this device to be a sophisticated data gathering apparatus.  It is
used to listen and sample the air.  Data is broadcast.
 
Now to deflect the inevitable claims of "you don't know anything, your not
an engineer and I am" well if your an engineer why are you in college.  I
put the smoke detector next to a broadcast spectrum analyser and guess
what.  IT WAS GENERATING AN ELECTRO-MAGNETIC FIELD!!!!!!!  So the smoke
detector IS broadcasting data.  I removed the battery and then guess what?
No more field.
 
What are two things that the government wants information on?  Smoking,
drugs, and sex, that's what.  How can such information be gathered?
Listening and sniffing outside the bedrooms of Americans, that's how.
 
I don't see any way this can be denied.  Try to explain:
 
    1.  Why outside bedrooms (does smoke like bedrooms?)
    2.  Why does battery go dead when no smoke is present? (leakage is copout)
    3.  Why the secret compartment we can't open (a nuclear reactor, right!)
    4.  Why does the "detector" broadcast?
 
 
Also, I see that people are trying to say that I don't exist.  This is not
possible, I think, therefore I am.

                                   *****

From: jerry@cs.mcgill.ca (Jerry KUCH)
Subject: Re: STARTLING DISCOVERY
Date: 19 Nov 1993 18:08:29 GMT
 
In article <1993Nov19.085347.1@woods.uml.edu>,  <cotera@woods.uml.edu> wrote:
>>     5.  They require a nine volt battery.
>
>This _is_ pretty suspicious.
>
>Then I realized that the cosmic background radiation, which is also blackbody
>radiation, and is in the microwave frequency range, is not generated from the 
>Big Bang, but from aliens trying to control our minds.  This explains why
 
No way... this isn't generated by aliens... it's generated by the
government. Their advanced, fault-tolerant network of mind control lasers
(which were admittedly built with the help of technology gained from
examining the debris of crashed scout ships from the Alpha Centaurian greys
in the 1950s) generates this radiation as an unavoidable signature of its
operation.  The only real defense is to get one of those big balls from
American Gladiators, line it with aluminum and lead, and roll around in it.
Then you can move from place to place, carrying out your normal day to day
activities while having the assurance of complete protection from the mind
control beams.
 
Trust me.
 
>it is so homogeneous.  As Dr. Ben Dover has explained, in order for radiation
>to be used to control minds it must be very homogeneous.
 
Yeah... I know what you mean.  Dr. Mike Hunt and Professor I.P. Freely have
advanced a similar but somewhat more comprehensive theory.

                                   *****

From: RGTYMOWS@CHEMISTRY.watstar.uwaterloo.ca (wolf tagger)
Subject: Re: STARTLING DISCOVERY
Date: Fri, 19 Nov 1993 17:51:58 GMT
 
In article <1993Nov18.225244.2989@news.nd.edu> mel@rottweiler.ece.nd.edu
(Melvin Gladstone) writes:
 
>I put the smoke detector next to a broadcast spectrum
>analyser and guess what.  IT WAS GENERATING AN ELECTRO-MAGNETIC
>FIELD!!!!!!!  So the smoke detector IS broadcasting data.  I removed
>the battery and then guess what?  No more field.  
 
It's not broadcasting data. It's a microwave thought-control device which
makes you believe that you are a free person while being manipulated by the
government through injections of hallucinogenic compounds using your
toothbrush!!!! If you don't believe me, try this: take your toothbrush, put
it in a test tube of water, shake vigorously, then analyze the water using
HPLC. You will see that the sample contains high concentrations of complex
organic compounds.

                                   *****

From: wcc@cup.portal.com (wcc - usa)
Subject: Re: STARTLING DISCOVERY (was: WARNING!!! BIG BROTHER)
Date: Fri, 19 Nov 93 10:32:52 PST
Lines: 12
 
 
Well for the people disputing this, I have more proof!
 
If you look closely at the Zapruda film of the JFK assasination, there
seems to be more smoke detectors than one could reasonably expect! I
counted at least three, one on the grassy knoll, one on a window at the
book depository, and another near the overpass.
 
Explain that away!

                                   *****

From: SHOWME!@mizzou1.missouri.edu
Subject: Re: STARTLING DISCOVERY
Date: Fri, 19 Nov 93 15:23:20 CST
 
Yeah, I was skeptical, too.  That was before I reversed the polarity of the
9 volt battery inside that innocuous looking device...  Try it yourself.
It seems to broadcast from a conference room in the White House, Pentagon
...
 
I distinctly heard Jerry Garcia telling Al Gore that NAFTA would initially
cause our universities to deny faculty tenure in favor of hiring foreign
engineers and philosophers at wages U.S. Ph.D.'s would not work for.  But
eventually, Jerry said, the major physics and metaphysics research centers
would move their facilities outside of the U.S., in favor of areas in which
environmental and human rights concerns were more receptive to the kinds of
research that the Defense Department might _really_ care to finance.
####===================================================================####
                              Job Opportunity
####===================================================================####
[I suppose such job opening are another sign that the economy is making a
come back.]
From phn0rd-request@student.umass.edu Sat Nov 20 17:26:05 1993
Date: Sat, 20 Nov 1993 01:20:43 -0500 (EST)
From: Round Waffle <eggo@student.umass.edu>
Subject: Job opportunities!


     Okay, while my newsreader flipped out and accidentally made me read
all the funniest postings in alt.personals.bondage, I came across this
lovely gem.  I think this pretty much sums up what's wrong with computing
in America these days.  If my parents ever saw this, they'd make me change
my major instantly.

Purpose: Female executive wishes to kill two birds with one stone.

Wanted: Male Submissive. Must be masochistic. Must program in C (C++ even
better). Must be willing to relocate to beautiful, scenic New Hampshire.

Qualifications: Some experience desired (in submission, masochism, and
programming).

Preferably heterosexual, although I've been having fantasies lately about
tormenting a poor male bisexual sub with a hard-on he ain't gonna get
<grin>.

Full company benefits for a small, rapidly growing successful computer
company with an opportunity for rapid advancement.  Must be willing to be
(discretely) sexually harassed at work.  Room, board and expenses covered,
as well as a salary depending on experience.

Equal opportunity employer -- race, religion, etc.  But sex should
definitely be male.

Serious inquiries only.  Long-distance relationship not desired, though
probably practical for a while.

                                Lisa
                                P.O. Box 71
                                Marlow, NH 03456.
####===================================================================####
                        The Truth of Barney Revealed
####===================================================================####
[And Purps continues to try to bring the herd of Otis the truth about this
purple foam menace from the distance past. Barney's just a con artist who
with the help of a time machine managed to escape the authorities in his
time by hiding in ours.]

From: clavazzi@nyx.cs.du.edu (The_Doge)
Subject: Re: Dr. Science on Barney
Date: Sun, 21 Nov 93 07:13:54 GMT

In an appearance on "What D'ya Know?", the widely respected expert on
anything, Dr. Science, offered a novel and intriguing theory about Barney:

Barney is a Sea Monkey who was given growth hormones.  Such experiments
have been tried for years, usually resulting in exploded blobs (which were
used as the blobby innards of Lava Lamps).  But in Barney's case, the
experiment was successful.  Isn't Science wonderful? Well, he must be right
because he knows more than you do.  After all, he has a Masters'
Degree......in Science!!  >:-)>
####===================================================================####
                                Art Needed!
####===================================================================####
[Yes, you may have seen this before but it's worth repeating. Otis needs
your art. Don't get any wacky ideas that this is a two bit Operation. The
Pope has been surfing with the Big Boys for years. Your art is probably
going to seen by all manner of famous underground luminaries. They may even
try to get you to do stuff for them. If you've got a few spare moments, by
gum pound out something for this book!]

Date: Sat, 27 Nov 1993 18:08:28 -0500 (EST)
From: Jeffrey Stevens <jstevens@world.std.com>
Subject: submissions

PAPAL ANNOUNCEMENT:

YOU SHOULD BE IN LITERATURE!!!

As you all know by now, the first ever OTISian book, the Liber Otiosus, is
currently in production here at the Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes.
Before we can roll it out to the masses, however, IT NEEDS ART.  Trust me
on this one: 240 pages illustrated by my stick figure drawings aren't
gonna cut it this time through.  IF YOU YOURSELF HAVE ANY ARTISTIC
TALENT, OR KNOW OF ANYONE WHO DOES, PLEASE CONTACT ME AT:
jstevens@world.std.com immediately.  OTIS, we might even PAY you.
####===================================================================####
                               Barney Bashing
####===================================================================####
From: whalenk@vnet.ibm.com (The Kevastator)
Subject: One Man's Barney Bashing Chronicles
Date: Mon, 22 Nov 1993 16:44:35 GMT

                     ENOUGH TALK!  GO FORTH AND BASH!

     I've heard enough talk already!  You can argue amongst yourselves
until you verbally wipe-out both sides of the issue, AND the fence that
others may be riding, or you can stop the spread of Barnism where it
starts...with the poor little huddled masses, yearning to love Barney.
Remember, Barney will go down in history as little more than a big purple
New Kids On the Block... a fad.  Think about this and revel:  all of those
child actors who enjoy being the idols of kids under 5 everywhere, will one
day fade into obscurity with the likes of Gary Coleman and Danny Bonaducci!
Justice!  So how do you deal with a fad?  Fuck with the kids' heads!  Here,
let me illustrate:

     I have a 18-month old niece who can't get enough of that love-spewing
purple freak.  I also have a springer spaniel who was here long before she
was. As you know, dogs have an advanced sense of vengeance, so when she's
not around, he pisses all over her Barney(Tm) blanket.  I don't scold him.
So, what must be going through her mind as she cuddles-up to her cozy
purple comforter... and gets a big whiff of canine scent glands?!  As she
looks down to see where the odor is coming from, and all she sees is that
lovable dinosaur with the shit-eatin' grin, she thinks,"Hmmm, Barney sure
is cute, and he can sing okay too, but boy does he stink!  I think I'll go
play with that nice shiny set of cutlery that Uncle Kevin keeps on the
floor next to the crib instead."

     Perhaps more effective (and certainly more rewarding) is fucking with
the heads of children who are way to old to be caught-up in this
merchandising frenzy that puts Barney's face on ANYTHING to make a buck.
Again, let me illustrate:

     I just took a trip to EPCOT Center and was left speechless as I
witnessed a little girl of approximately 9-years of age wearing a Barney
T-shirt.  Now this REALLY got on my nerves.  Well, fortunately at that
moment I noticed that the oversized Pluto character that was having his
picture taken not far away had fallen over backwards on a park bench.
Probably part of his act, but none the less, perfect timing!  I said, "Hey
kid," because that's what you call a spoiled little runny-nosed brat, "did
you see what you just did?  You're wearing a Barney shirt at a Disney park!
Don't you know what that does to Disney characters?  Pluto passed-out over
there when you walked by, and if Mickey ever sees you, he'll DIE!!!"  Well,
she just started crying and ran off to find her parents, and I was left
beside myself with contentment.


     So I hope I've made my point.  You can do more for the cause by
nipping this Barney bonanza in the bud than you ever will by arguing with
faceless paragraphs in these news groups (fun, though it may be).  And
remember...

          "IF THERE IS A HELL, IT'S FIRES WAIT FOR BARNEY, NOT US..."
                                                    - Anonymous sensible person

####===================================================================####
                              Police in Action
####===================================================================####
From: spatula@titan.ucs.umass.edu (Mr. Duality)
Subject: Montague's Finest in action!
Date: 22 Nov 1993 14:05:43 -0500

From the pages of the Greenfield, MA Recorder:

POLICE LOG - MONTAGUE

Police responded to a call at 8:30 of a cat wandering around with a dog food
can on its head.  Cat was gone by the time police arrived.
####===================================================================####
               A Head to Head Comparison of Two Cult Figures
####===================================================================####
From: bull@mac.cc.macalstr.edu (Necktie Junction)
Subject: Barney ==Rush!!
Date: 24 Nov 93 21:23:05 -0600

Barney IS Rush Limbaugh, please don't try to deny it.

		BARNEY			RUSH

	Fat, bloated, purplish		Fat, bloated, pinkish
	Obnoxious yet predictable	Obnoxious yet predictable
	Followers have no redeeming	Followers have no redeeming
		individuality			individuality
	Pushes healthy snacks		Pushes healthy snacks (Snapple)
	Reaps millions of $		Reaps millions of $
		peddling same old		peddling same old
		tripe				tripe

It seems reasonable to assume that Barney Limbaugh simply lapses back and
forth between his two personalities, capturing both the young and old on
both TV and radio.  This shape-shifting freakazoid attacks all ages, all
political spectrums, and in all mediums!  Yicko.

How to counter the problem?  Don't summon the Gerry-bots, it'll just try to
assimilate you.  Don't summon the Jihad, they haven't done diddley-doo.
Just buy several cans of BARNEY-B-GONE, new from Ronco, for all your
Barney-removal needs.  Just a couple of whiffs, and Barney'll be making
tracks the opposite direction.  Equally effective with Baby Bop, BJ,
Sponge-Minions, Loved Ones, Ditto heads, Manos the Hands of Fate, Bob Dole,
Jane Fonda, and any annoying actor from the Mentos commercials!  Only
$7.95!

Death to the fat purple gasbag(s)!

####===================================================================####
                        Purple Menace Crowned Demon
####===================================================================####
From: hutton@venus.dev.promis.com (Don Hutton)
Subject: It's official!  
Date: Thu, 25 Nov 1993 20:50:36 GMT

        From the Toronto "Globe and Mail", November 25th, "Social Studies"
page:

        - Barney the dinosaur, a popular children's character on
television, has been branded a New-Age demon in a booklet by radio-minister
Rev. Joseph Chambers of North Carolina.  In an interview with Cox News
Service, Mr. Chambers said the purple dinosaur is yet another sign that
"America is under siege from the powers of darkness," and pointed out that
Barney is very much politically correct and liberal in its agenda.

####===================================================================####
                                Killer Chairs
####===================================================================####
From: jrs@netcom.com (John Switzer)
Subject: Chairs can kill in Russia!
Date: Sat, 27 Nov 1993 00:28:57 GMT

I just read over on clari.news.trouble that a Moscow businessman, V.
Kaplun, was killed by his chair, which investigators found was "1.5
million" times more radioactive than local background radiation. Two floors
of the guy's building were found to be radioactive, about 120 to 200
roentgens/hour. The guy's chair was said to be "off the scale, about the
level of Chernobyl."

I guess you can expect some travel advisories to come out of the State
Department any day now about sitting down while visiting Moscow.

####===================================================================####
                              Papal Ponderings
####===================================================================####
Date: Sat, 27 Nov 1993 18:08:28 -0500 (EST)
From: Jeffrey Stevens <jstevens@world.std.com>
Subject: submissions

Papal Ponderings #23.625
Pope Gef I
IGHF, 955 Massachusetts Ave. #209, Cambridge, MA 02139-3180

The perversion of artifice engenders monsters-- Jaques Derrida

Ah, man!  What cannot you be brought to believe!-- A. Weishaupt

No one worth quoting ever has been-- B. Ives

Frogs legs?  But I ordered the stew-- Liber Otiosus


Some years ago, the secret of life was revealed on public television.

It happened during a six part, 32 hour long mini-series on the sex life of
the poisonous Brazilian arrow frog.  A noted zoologist was being quoted at
some length about his experiences with the frogs during a three year trek
into the rain forest in the 1970s.  Off on a long tangent about a prolonged
battle with dysentery, he interrupted himself to point out that
"interestingly enough, all of this suggested to me to a series of
philosophical musings which actually produced an answer to the riddle of
existence.  It's really quite simple, actually, it's...."

Needless to say, at this point no one at all was listening.  Not only was
the series on PBS, but it was broadcast so late at night that its entire
audience consisted of two; myself and the mother of the producer of the
series.  I had tuned it in search of a cure for an unpleasant case of
insomnia that night; a cure which was, unfortunately, so effective that I
couldn't keep my eyes open for the entire interview in question. I nodded
off at the end of the passage I have quoted above.  I talked to the
producer's mother at some length at a later date, but learned to my dismay
that she had switched to "Letterman" only twenty minutes into the program
that evening.  I won't pretend I wasn't disappointed.

But it does make you wonder, doesn't it?  I mean, what if all of life is a
little like my PBS special?  At the apocalypse, when "Some Idiot" kicks the
plug for the reality projector out from its outlet, life as we know it
comes screeching to a halt, and you and I and countless others are judged
in the Court of the Gods, will the scene look a little like this:

OTIS: Alright, let's see if we can get another 10,000 in before lunch.
Next!

Lotus: John Josiah Smith of Teaneck, NJ. . . Stand forward before the Gods
and be JUDGED!

John: Um... Hiya.

OTIS: [Yawn] John Josiah Smith, for your failure to live according to the
divine principals of OTIS, I hereby deny you access to paradise, the gates
of which shall remain closed to you for 1,000 years.  Until that time your
spirit will wander, homeless, whither it will, while you reflect on the
nature of your crime.  NE--

John: Hey!  Wait a minute!  You can't turn me away!  I lived a good life! I
did everything Pope Jephe I told me.  I sent almost all my money to the
House of Fruitcakes.  I faithfully read every issue of Purps and the
OTISIan Directory and the weekly mailings when they came out, and followed
House dogma to a T.  You can't deny me paradise!  I've been good!

OTIS: Insolent mortal!  And did you eat green peas or spinach at least four
times a year during no fewer than two separate years?

John: Well I um... I mean, that is to say...  What the hell are you talking
about?

Lotus: Eating green peas or spinach at least four times a year during no
fewer than two separate years is one of the great Commandments of OTIS.
It's also the secret of life.  Didn't you see the PBS special on Arrow
Frogs?  This was all revealed in the PBS special on Arrow Frogs.

John: Hell, no!  The only people who watch those things are the mothers
of the produces of the shows.

OTIS: Then they alone shall get into Paradise without delay.  See you in
a thousand years.  Next!

Maybe all the answers we need are out there, just hidden away in places
seldom pay attention to.  Maybe that's the greatest secret of reality, that
we'd understand more about it if we'd just pay closer attention, that it's
not the Bibles, constitutions, or great epics of the world that hold the
truths of existence, but rather the places where you'd never expect to find
such things.  While I don't know all of this for sure, I will be paying
closer attention to public television in the future; just in case.

Nunc scriptsi totum pro OTISi, da mihi potum,

"Pope" Gef I
####===================================================================####
                      Copernicus Earns Papal Blessing
####===================================================================####
From: srctran@world.std.com (Gregory Aharonian)
Subject: Copernicus earns papal blessing
Date: Sat, 27 Nov 1993 00:40:22 GMT

    The October 30, 1993 issue of New Scientist, page 7, has an article
titled "Copernicus earns papal blessing", in which it reports that the pope
had acknowledged in a letter that the work of Nicholas Copernicus as "one
of the greatest scientific achievements of all time" (this 139 years after
his book was banned by the Catholic Church, and even longer after Catholic
and Protestant theologians rejected his ideas.
    "The claimed incompatibility between science and faith belongs to the
past", declared the pope.
    I think not.
####===================================================================####
                    The Danger of Filthy Computer Games
####===================================================================####
From: franklig@helium.gas.uug.arizona.edu (Gregory C Franklin )
Subject: Filthy computer games lead to filing for divorce in Israel!
Date: 30 Nov 1993 20:47:31 GMT

From: CompuServe

'UNFAITHFULNESS WITH A COMPUTER' ALLEGED IN DIVORCE PETITION

  (Nov. 23)
  An Israeli man seeks a divorce, alleging his wife was unfaithful because
of her use of "filthy computer games."

  The French Agence France-Press International News Service reports the
unidentified man said in a written plea to a Tel Aviv rabbinical court, "My
wife watches a lot of porn movies and what's more she likes to cheat on me
in her thoughts by playing filthy computer games."

  He added, "There is no difference between a woman who has a physical
relationship with other men and a woman who imagines it."

  The petition called the wife a "theoretical adulteress."

  Says AFP, "If the court accepts that the woman has committed adultery,
divorce is granted automatically in Israel where rabbis have a monopoly on
marriage, divorce and burial for Jews, practicing or not."

####===================================================================####
                             Vatican Video Game
####===================================================================####
From: iverson@crl.nmsu.edu (Eric Iverson)
Subject: Vatican Video Game
Date: Thu, 02 Dec 1993 12:43:58 +0000
From: Jean-Alain Le Borgne <jalb@ccv.fr>

Translated from "Liberation", nov. 12 1993:

    At the Divine Love Sanctuary, a place dedicated to the cult of the
    Virgin Mary in Rome, devouts may find a small electronic box that
    will guide them through the recitation of the rosary. [...] the
    $50 video game is decorated with a Madonna in a blue robe.  Two
    keys, "mysteries" and "Ave Maria" offer the choice between the
    chaplet or a sequence of prayers and invocations.  Several
    mysteries are offered to the recitants' piety: "merry",
    "sorrowful", "glorious". [...]

####===================================================================####
                         The Purple Condor Strikes
####===================================================================####
From: estewart@dormnet.stu1.uconn.edu (Eben Stewart)
Subject: Radio Shack
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 93 20:23:04 EST

   Now I can appreciate all the shenanigans played on Radio Shack employees
- considering that I worked there for a year and a half!  Never again will
I work in that hole.  Anyway - just remember that all those Radio Shack
Goons have a Goonier Manager over their shoulder demanding that they sell x
items in xx seconds (etc)....  Hated that job...

One from the vault...

This actually happened to me while working at radio shack:

  This guy comes in - looks like he is a few bricks short, if you take my
meaning - 70 degrees outside and he's wearing a full winter coat.  So
anyway he looks around for a while, and gets very excited when he finds the
pocket Casino with the dazzling LCD screen - he immediately grab the red
Radio Shack batteries (yeah, the cheap 19 cent ones) and brings it up to
the counter.  This was too funny.  We let the manager take this one:

Manager:  May I have the last four digits of your tel. number?  (the
standard opening line at the cash register)

Weird Guy:  (in a raised voice) NO TELEPHONE NUMBER! NO NAME! NO ADDRESS!
NO AGE! NO SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER! JUST... The Purple Condor! (I am not
lying!)

M:  Excuse Me?

PC:  I am known as the Purple Condor!

M: (OK) (Rings up total)  That comes to 17.98.

The Purple Condor pulls out this plastic bag with at least 100 dollars
wrapped up in rubber bands in 10's, 5's, and 1's, throws it on the counter,
and says: Take what you need...

M:  (Rings up sale, and not able to resist)  Purple Condor, eh?

PC:  Yes!  The Purple Condor.  That's it.

M:  I had the Green Condor in here the other day, what a coincidence!

PC:  (very paranoid/nervous)  GREEN Condor?!  And rushes out of the store.

This is an absolutely true story - Not a shenanigan - but if it was it would 
be hilarious
####===================================================================####
                              Happy Heethormas
####===================================================================####
From jstevens@world.std.com Thu Dec  9 22:45:52 1993
Date: Thu, 9 Dec 1993 22:39:21 -0500 (EST)
Subject: HAPPY HEETHORMAS!!!!
Chad, James, Dave:

        As we all (cough!) know, we are fast approaching the OTISian
Holiday of Heethormas, the winter celebration of the goddess of paisley,
Heethor. Starting a new OTISian tradition, I have just mailed to you
Heethormas gifts, holy relics really, to aide in the ceremonies of the
Kenyon OTISian contingent.  They will arrive in the mail soon, probably in
Archbishop's Chad's P.O. Box (unless the Post Office makes a dire error,
which is possible, HAIL BROW!).

        I am sending three such sacred objects, since the three of you,
James, Dave and Chad, have gone above and beyond the call of "duty" this
year with your herculean (look it up; I did) efforts on behalf of Our Most
Holy Faith, HAIL OTIS!!!!

        I am hereby appointing each of you a Guardian of one of these
objects. Divide them amongst yourselves as you will; I don't care who
guards which as long as you discharge you duties as Guardians faithfully.

	Which reminds me, your duties as Guardians are as follow:

        Either 1. Guard your object faithfully or 2. find someone else to
do it for you (and make him, her, it swear to uphold these Rules of
Guardianship, Hail OTIS!!!!)


	IMPORTANT-- YOU ARE FORBIDDEN FROM VIOLATING, MODIFYING,
ADDING TO or ABOLISHING ALTOGETHER EITHER OF THE ABOVE RULES.

HAIL OTIS!!!!        HAIL OTIS!!!!        HAIL OTIS!!!!        HAIL OTIS!!!!

Pope Geof I

P.S. Follow brief descriptions/histories of the objects (in no 
particular order):

I. The Sacred Ping Pong Ball of Spodophoros

Unearthed by a nuclear test blast in the Sinkiang desert in China in 1964,
and smuggled away from ignorant Chinese officials by a dedicated Mongolian
Physicist converted to Our Most Holy Cause, the sacred Ping Pong Ball of
Spodophoros (High Priest of OTIS, 11366 AO, 176 BCE) will light up and make
really odd noises when handled by followers favored in OTIS' sight (if
Sacred Ping Pong Ball of Spodophoros does not light up at all, please
e-mail me, and I'll send a replacement Sacred Ping Pong Ball of Spodophoros
immediately).

RULES OF THE SACRED PING PONG BALL:
1. Please do NOT play Ping Pong with the Sacred Ping Pong Ball.
2. Do NOT expose Ping Pong Ball to excessive FIRE, FLAME or FIR trees.
3. The half life of a radioactive object is extremely difficult to 
calculate, so we aren't quite sure just HOW radioactive the Sacred Ping 
Pong Ball is, but I wouldn't stand too close if I were you.
4. Do not Taunt the Sacred Ping Pong Ball of Spode.

II. The Mental Floss of Lemur the Wise (5276- 5497 AO)
The Mental Floss of Lemur the Wise is a quick easy and convenient method of
demonstrating the Miraculous power of OTIS to heretics, skeptics and
UNBELIEVERS, as well as a long established method of removing mental
"clutter" and improving cognitive ability.  The Floss graphically
demonstrates to the doubters that, with the POWER OF OTIS it is possible
for the TRUE BELIEVER to actually FLOSS HIS BRAIN, running a rope in one
ear and out the other and moving it back and forth.  The Mental Floss
should be kept "on hand" (but carefully out of sight) at every OTISian
ceremony as a way of dissuading hecklers.  Lemur the Wise also claimed that
flossing twice daily with the floss in the privacy of her own domicile
could improve the intelligence of any human being TEN FOLD.  Mind you, he
also claimed to have trained a yak to do complicated algebra problems and
speak seven languages.

THERE IS ONLY ONE RULE OF THE SACRED FLOSS: DO NOT REVEAL ITS SECRET TO THE
UNINITIATED.

III. The Shrunken Skull of Pope Max I
First displayed to the INNER CIRCLE of the Ancient Illuminated Anti-
Masonic/Rosicrucian Elder Knights of OTIS by Pope Enzio I, the Skull has
many MYSTERIOUS PROPERTIES.  Specifically, it is said to PROPHECY if stared
at long enough by a dedicated initiate.  It predicted the 1968 Mets for
example, and Sonny Bono's departure from the public spotlight.  No one is
sure just HOW the skull was shrunk, but the revelation that Max I's bones
were made of PLASTIC and that his JAW was held in place by WIRE SPRINGS
shocked the OTISian community when the skull was eventually shown to the
masses in 1929.  Mary Margaret Boneapart, Chief of the Daughters of Creiza
at the time, initially denounced the skull as a fraud, reversing her
position only after spending an entire weekend staring at the Skull, daring
it to prove its powers to her.  Immediately following her announcement that
she had been enlightened by the skull, Chief Margaret I mysteriously sold
almost all of the faith's accumulated stock portfolio, making a great
fortune, which helped the faith weather the years to come.
####===================================================================####
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
####===================================================================####
