-------------------------------------------------------------------------------



          T H I S
                             ______/|                   __
            I S              |   __ |                  /  \
                             \  |  \|                  |  /
           T H E              | |      ___  ___  _/\   | |
                              | |__/|  | |  | |  \_/   | |
  __    F O U R T H           |     |  | |  | |  ___   | |
 /  \      _      ___        /   __ |  \ \  | |  | |   | |
|   \| | ||_||  |  |  \ /    |  |  \|   \ \/ _/  | |  /  /
 \__/\ |_|| ||_ |  |   |     |  |        \__/    | |  |  |/|
                             |  |__/|            |_|  |____|
                   _____     |_____ |
   |\______       /  _  \     _    \|         _              __
   |  ___  \     /  / \  \   | |___     _____/ |   ______   /  \
   |  |  \  |   /_ /   \  |  |  __ \   /  __   |  / ___  |  |  /    _____
   |  |   | |    | |___|  |  | /  \ \  | /  \  |  | |  \ |  | |    /   _ \
   |  |   | |    |  ___   |  | |  | |  | |   | |  | |  | /  | |    \_  \\_|
   |  |   | |    | /   |  |  | |  | |  | |  _| |  | \__/ |  | |      \  \
   |  |   | |    | |   |  |  |_|  |/   \ \_/   |  |  ___/   | |    __ |  |
   |  |__/  |   /__|   |  |             \___/| |  \  |____  | | __ \ \/  /
   | ______/           \___\                 | |   \_____/  \ \/ /  \___/
   |/                              /|________/ |             \__/
                                  /  __________/
                                  \_|


                        P R O D U C T I O N



                       -+* The Cult Of The Dead Rat lives *+-

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

RAT4 - Rebel Anarchistic Tendencies. For users of the CrossOver BBS, The Hard
Rock Cafe BBS and Chicago BBS as well as those who used to call The Factory.
This phile makes no mention of Fred's drunkedness, Julie's tits, Taxi's knob
nor Syn's arse (no matter how spunky it is) [But we still miss it-Ed.].

        RAT is now officially unofficiated with AT or the Evil Angels.
                  All coincidences are now totally coincidental.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WARNING ! : This is not suitable for children under the age of
            alcohol, and should not be read while under the influence
            of a 12 year old.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


        "Your only 20 cents of chemicals that likes to fuck alot."

[but a fuck costs more than 20 cents!-Ed.]

                                from the CrossOver, Meaning To Life Msg Area


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                   -=* The Cult Of The Dead Rat *=-

                          proudly present


              T h e   P r i n c e l e s s   B r i d e
             - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[ I think the author has a small ...., it's not centred!-Ed.]

           A fantasy love story adventure horror sex comedy
         about chivalry, swordsmanship, honour and true love.


   Russell Coker, Duke Of Cokerville, needed a bride. So he set out his
scouts to search his kingdom, visiting every cottage in every wood to find the
most beautiful woman in the land. After many days of searching, the Duke's
men approached a cottage deep in the forest of Gotham, where they had been told
by a travelling condom salesman that here lived the most beautiful woman in the
land.

   The leader of the party, incidently named Andrew Harrison, glanced at the
letter box of the cottage - on it was inscribed 'The Waynes'. Curious,
he neared the cottage, followed by his men. As he got closer, he began
to hear a rythmic thumping eminating from the cottage. Strange.

   Harrison knocked on the wooden door. The thumping stopped. Nobody answered
the door. Harrison knocked again, and it swung open.

   "Hello." said a tall dark haired girl, standing in the door way in a flimsy
yet kinky see-through nightgown. "What can I do for you?" she asked,
seductively.

   "Wha..what ca..can I do for y..you.." was all Harrison could say. He was
spellbound. Here, before him, stood the most beautiful woman in the world.

   The tall dark haired girl sighed, her pointy breasts rising and falling like
a small boat in high seas.

   Harrison was busting now. If he didn't sit down he would pierce that
metal box protecting God's greatest gift to man.

   "Ca...coul..could I come .. I mean could we ..um..come in....madam.. My men
ar..are tired and hungry for your.. your warm...warm.. open... fire."

   The tall dark haired girl nodded, and allowed the men to enter. It was a
smallone roomed cottage, with just an eave to one wall filled with straw for a
bed. A roaring fire sat in one corner, with the emblem of what appeared a bat-
like figure suspended over it. The men took a welcome seat by the fire, while
Harrison glanced at the eaves above. Strange, but he thought he saw movement
up there.

   "Do you live alone.. miss..miss?"

   "'Brig-ee-ta' is my name. No, my hubby Bruce and I happily live here. He is
presently out in the woods hunting for wild boar. He makes sure I get enough
meat every night [obviously has a small dick-Ed.], he is a good loyal husband
you see."

   This news meant little to Harrison, and he quickly ordered his men to
capture Brigitte and take her back to Coker Castle. Thoughtfully, before he
left, Harrison sat down and wrote a short letter for the absent husband
Mr Wayne, espressing in the kindest words possible what had just happened to
his wife.
          ____________________________________________
         / \                                          \
         \/ \    Dear Bruce,                           \
             |              Sorry to break this to      |
             |   you mate, but the Duke of Cokerville,  |
             |   Russ Coker, has ordered that the       |
             |   most beautiful woman in his land       |
             |   (who, incidently, is your wife) is     |
             |   to be his bride. Inclosed is a gold    |
             |   coin, in consideration of the          |
             |   inconveniences we may have caused.     |
             |          Yours faithfully,               |
             |                      Andrew Harrisson    |
             |                      No.1 Nastie Pastie  |
         /\ /                                          /
         \_/__________________________________________/


   Harrison carefully blue-tacced the note above the fireplace with the coin.
As he and his men rode off from the cottage, the struggling Brigitte tied to a
horse, he thought he saw a figure in black furs and a red cap run from the
cottage. But he looked again, and there was no such figure. Must have been a
delusion. It was definitely time to retire on that superannuation.

                             -----------

   A few hours later, Bruce the Boar Hunter returned with his prize three wild
pigs strung on a pole. He strode into his cottage, dumped the carcasses onto
the stone floor, took off his black leather jacket and silly pointy black
moccasins, and called to Brigitte who he thought was hiding in the eaves.
There was no response, and then he noticed the letter blue-tacced to the wall
above the fireplace.

   After reading the note, Bruce rushed to the cupboard, bought out his trusty
silver Sword Of Pleasure, strapped it on, and cried out loud.. "I, Bruce The
Boar Hunter, shall die before this evil Duke shall have my love!"

   With that, he left.

                             -----------

   Meanwhile, in an undisclosed location within the walls of Coker Castle,
a deep and meaningful conversation was in motion...

   "Deeper... deeper Matty.."

   "Yes Russ.. I'm trying I'm trying..."

   "You must go deeper, Matty..."
[we knew it all along guys, now admit it: you're gay!-Ed.]

   "I'm sorry... but your men have searched as deep into the forest as they
can,
and they cannot find the legendary Brigitte Lambert..", said a little man
wearing thick glasses, the aid [tweezer supplyer?-Ed.] to The Duke Russel.

   "Possibly she is using an alias.. and has not told my men her real name."
suggested the Duke. "Announce a second, more serious search."

   "I think its ya who should be serious, sire. Your men will undoubtedly find
her and bring her to you, and when you marry her all will be settled."

   "What will be settled??" questioned The Duke.

   "The rumours.. um.." blabbed Aid Matty.  [Matty's got AIDS too?? -Ed]

   "What rumours??"

   "You know.. um.. I mean.."

   "WHAT RUMOURS???" roared Duke Russell.

   "The um.. infertility um.. ones um... Oh! Your men have returned."

   Harrison The Hassler strode into the room.

   "Bring her in!", he cried. "Ahh..sire. I have good news for you. We have
found the most beautiful woman in the land, and brought her to you as planned.
I hope you find her.. um.. satisfying..we did."

   A screaming, bitching, noisy girl was then brought into the chamber, bound
with rope, and escorted by several men. She stopped struggling and glanced
around the room, until she spotted Matty.

   "Swine! Scum! Traitor!" she cried at him.

   Matty quickly left. Such family fueds where not something he particularly
enjoyed, unless it had something to do with Trade Wars. [But you can only
trade it once.-Ed.]

   The Duke rose, and ordered the men to leave. As soon as he was alone with
Brigitte, he fainted from cracking the biggest stiff since he first saw Elle
MacPherson. [ his dick reached normal size?-Ed.]

                             -----------

   Meanwhile, in the local township, Bruce The Boar Hunter was searching the
Village Inns looking to gather some mercenaries to help him fight the Duke.
He approached a sleazy looking Inn called "The Crossover", and decided to start
looking in there. It looked scummy enough to hold a few pisspots who would
listen to his story.

   As he entered the quiet booz joint, all conversation ceased. Eyes followed
him as he strode forward, his Sword Of Pleasure dangling between his legs.
Nervously Bruce re-arranged the scabbard so the Sword stopped jangling, waited
until the eyes returned to their beers and conversationd began again, then
neared a table in the centre where he some rugged, wildy dressed, smelling
drunks were seated.

   The first pisspot, wearing gloves and a riding jacket, introduced himself
as Avalon.

   "Hi.", said Avalon. "Thet me guess - your yet another thalesman trying to
flog the IBM Adth-Lib music boarth right?"

   "No, not really." replied Bruce. "Actually, the Duke has kidnapped my wife
and plans to marry her tomorrow, and I am going to steal her back, by invading
Coker Castle tonight with the help of some mercenaries I hope to find here."

   "Oh, rightyo." said Avalon. "Count me-Ohhhhhh..." [ I'll be in too!-Ed.]

   "Me too!" came a cry from under the table. A head popped up between Bruce
and Avalon from under the seat, and a smiling face gleamed up at him.

   "Who on earth are you?" shrieked Bruce, nearly spilling the beer Avalon had
placed in his hands.

   A second face appeared from under the table, a grinning young female with a
full mouth.

   "There you are!" cried the barman, Captain Blood, as he stormed forward.
"I told you not to associate with this scum, you'll catch a disease if you
don't watch out. No go and do your homework, or you'll never pass Year 7, and
mother will not be pleased." [she'll have to work the streets?-Ed.]

   "Yes bro.." said the solem little girl. As she walked off, dragging her
Teddy Bear, she turned around and winked at the offender, as he re-arranged
his red cap.

   "Well, who will join me in my quest to save my love Brigitte!" cried Bruce.

   "I'm in!", yelled Avalon, raising his Sword Of Darkness in the air.

   "Me too!", roared Doc, following suit with his Sword Of Divineness.

   "And me!", cried Benny, wielding his Sword Of Walliness.

   "And me!", squeaked Blue Adept, with his Sword Of Youth.

   "And me!", yelled General Discomfort, thrashing his Sword Of Enthusiasm
about.
 [ Who are they in ? I WANT HER!-Ed]

   "Then off to Coker Castle!" cried Bruce, as he led the bunch of
revolutionaries out the door, and into the cool night air.

                             -----------

   Meanwhile, Duke Russell was recovering from his faint...

   "There there Russel..", pampered Brigitte. "You'll be OK now.."

   "Gee thanks Briggy.. Your so nice to me. Nobody else is ever nice to me."
said Russell, nursing his head.

   "Ohhh Poor Russy." said the nurse, as she sat down opposite Russ, leaned
over his desk and stared into his eyes seductively..

   "Why did you kidnap me, by the way?"

   "Cos.. cos I wanted a wife.. you see. You see.. nerds like me wanna have fun
too you know, they like sex just as much as cool people. And.. and well I just
can't seem to find anyone .. you know. sorta. you understand?"

   "Yeah, sure darling..I understand", said Brigitte, in a soft mellow voice.

   "Darling??"

                             -----------

   Meanwhile, far away at a fork in the roadway through Coker Forest, a
discussion was going on under the light of the full moon.

   "Its this way I'm sure...." said Bruce.

   "Nahh. This way.." pointed out Avalon.

   "Cmon guys! Don't say we're lost! Already!" cried General.

   Suddenly a bunch of nasty looking thieves entered onto the road, surrounding
the arguing congregation.

   "Hi.", said Avalon. "We're lost mercenaries, planning to attack Coker Castle
tonight. Would you perhaps know the way?"

   The thieves moved closer, their faces now appearing in the moon light.

   "Huh? Guys.." said Avalon.

   "Guys.." said Avalon.

   Avalon looked left, right, behind, forward. Everyone was gone!

   "Oh great." whimpered Avalon, as the thieves were now surrounding every
possible exit.

   "Give us ya money.. nerd." said the lead thief.

  "Who are you... you don't look like travelling Ad-Lib card salesmen."
questioned Avalon, looking for a way out of this rather unwanted situation.

   "Me name is Ivan. Ivan Trotsky. And these are my fellow theives. Thats
Infiltrator", he said, pointing to the tallest one. "Thats Negative Energy, and
Radical Accumulator.. the short one is Cefiar Chunderac, next to him is Iceman,
and down there is Disk Destroyer.. We're theives you see, we steal from the
poor and give to ourselves."

   "Oh thats good. Wot 'puter u got?"

   "I got an Apple actually..", said Cef.

   "Oh..", mumbled Avalon, "with a multi IO serial card, 680238 processer and
ram card?"

   "Nah. Only got a 1234982 processor. But I'm gonna get a 680' chip soon!"

   "Is that with the 16 bit BUS ?"

   "No, thats the 680238b chip."

   "But didn't Zilog produce a 680238a chip with 16 bit BUS for the ZX80?"

   "Perhaps.. but the 680238a was shit. It was superseeded by the 32bit multi
processor job from Xenix, now thats what I call a processor.."

   "Yeah..?"

                             -----------

   Meanwhile, somewhere else in the forest..

   "There! Coker Castle!" whispered Bruce The Boar Hunter.

   "Oh goodie oh goodie terrific great wowee woopee" chipped General.

   "Now, team, this is our plan. You - Doc - scale the back entrance and work
your way up through the servant's quarters. Blue Adept, you come with me, and
we'll take the front gate. Benny - the sewers."

   Benny complained. "Why me.. why do I always get the wally jobs.."

   "Right.. good luck men.. and I'll meet you in the Grand Hall, where we'll
make an attack on Russ's chamber, where he is holding Brigitte." [By her tits
is my guess.-Ed.]

   And with that, they split.

                             -----------

   Benny grumbled a lot as he sloshed through the mirky brown liquid that
filled the Castle Sewers.

"Why did I have to be a wally.. why why why.. I should have listened to my
mummy.. when she said "Son, with that red hair of yours, your gonna go far..
They're gonna come from miles away just to fondle and touch those locks.."

Benny stopped. He suddenly realised he wasn't alone in the sewer. There,
before him, stood a little sewer rat, standing up to his hips in the water.
But what struck Benny most was that this was no ordinary sewer rat - this
was a red-haired sewer rat, called Hologram.

                             -----------

In another part of the castle, a cloaked figure was scrambling over a
brick wall. As he landed inside the castle walls, he casually bent over
and picked up his red cap that had fallen. Sensing that people were
approaching, he made a quick exit left.

Slowly the figure made his way through the labyrinth of twisting passages,
pausing every moment to make sure no one was about. Pausing at a pillar,
he noticed a poster attached to the brick...

              ________________________________________________
             |                                                |
             |  *                                           * |
             |    NOW SHOWING NOW SHOWING NOW SHOWING NOW     |
             |                                                |
             |               Brigitte Lambert                 |
             |                      in                        |
             |                                                |
             |       TOO MUCH TOO SOON II - THE SEQUEL        |
             |                                                |
             |              more pussy than CATS              |
             |         more filth that Cef's bedroom          |
             |   more orgasms than a Transvision Vamp album   |
             |                                                |
             |                                                |
             |         brought to you by Valhalla Inc.        |
             |          69 High Street, Northcote             |
             |                                                |
             |     NOW SHOWING NOW SHOWING NOW SHOWING NOW    |
             |  *                                          *  |
             |________________________________________________|


   Doc paused to read the poster, shrugged, and walked on. And stopped.  And
started again. And stopped again. He sighed, walked back, pulled out a texta
and scrawled on the poster, "better points than the Taj Mahal".

   Accidently, Doc dropped the texta as he finished the 'l'. "Shit", he said,
as he bent down to pick it up. He groped around in the dark, until he grasped
something not intirely texta-like. Infact, it was a bare foot, attached to a
calf, to a leg, kneecaps, and the rest of a six foot blonde wearing only a
dainty negligee staring down at him.

   Before Doc could even gasp a "Hello", she knocked him unconcious with
a club and dragged him off into a dark alcove.

                             -----------

   During this time, Bruce and Blue Adept had entered the castle and had
located Russ's Chamber. They waited until General Discomfort and Benny arrived.
Benny was now carrying a red-haired rat he had now befriended.

   "Where is Doc?", asked Bruce. 'Oh well, we'll have to do this without him.
Right, raise your swords, men.."

   "I already have.." said the startled Blue Adept, "didn't you guys notice?"

   "ATTAACCKKKKK!" roared Bruce The Boar Hunter, as he kicked the doors to the
Chamber open, and ran inside. There sat Brigitte, tied to a chair. Russell
immediately drew his sword, flanked by several of his henchmen.

   Bruce paused at Brigitte. "Never fear, Bruce The Boar Hunter is here!". And
with that he charged at Russell, wielding his Sword Of Pleasure. Benny took on
two henchmen, while General chased Matty around the room.

   "Come here! Come here!", squealed General, "Come here, don't show your
rear!"

   "You'll never catch me Gen", cried Matty, "We have plenty more henchmen!"

   Between clashes Benny replied "Don't count your eggs pal..We only came for
gal.".

   "Surrender you swine", ordered Bruce, "That girl is mine!"

   "This poetry is so bad", yelled Russel, "that its driving me mad!"

   "Stop this fuss!", cried Brigitte, "You'll never stop Russ!"

   "Huh?", blurted Bruce. Everyone stopped fighting, and turned to Brigitte.

{Pause}

   "You'll never stop Russ", she said again. "He'll save me, he will."

   "Eh?", said Bruce, confused. "Doesn't that.. like .. stuff up the plot?
Like.. I thought I was saving you.. You don't wanna marry him. right?"

   "Things have happened.. um.. Bruce.. I've changed my mind. Well, I have
kinda.. kinda come to know Russ while being tied up here, and, well, I've
decided to marry him anyway."

   "WHAT!" cried everyone in unison.

   "Well", said Brigitte, "I'm entitled to do what I want to do. And who said I
have to spend my life chained to a bed serving a chauvanist sexist pig like
Bruce.. What if I wanna be independant.. rich.. powerful.. like the Duchess Of
Cokerville.. Huh?   Doesn't anybody care what I think?"

{another pause}

   "Blue Adept", sighed Bruce.

   "Yeah", said Blue Adept.

   "You've got a cute arse, you know that." [Syn ...?-Ed.]

   Benny groaned, sighed. He began to pat his little sewer rat. General
Discomfort sat down and began talking about his Anderson score with Matty.

                             -----------

   The rays of a morning sun slowly began to cover the land. A sense of a new
beginning emerged, a feeling of freshness, of new hope and new dreams. A cock
crowed, cows mooed for their milk, and Doc woke up.

   "You know, you have very tasty thighs.", he said to Dark Princess, who was
spralled out on the bed next to him.

   "Well, I'm off.", he said, dressing. "Another day, another blister."

   The Dark Princess sighed, "You will come back won't you..?"

   "Of course", smiled Doc, "This is true love, remember."

                             -----------

   Doc later found Avalon still arguing with Cefiar, surrounded by some
sleeping thieves who had pitched camp beside the road.

   "C'mon Avalon", he said. "We've got another adventure waiting for us...
Who knows what will happen in Rat 5.."

   Slowly Doc dragged Avalon away. "Its got something to do with modems I
think.. You should like that.."

   Avalon finally turned and spoke to Doc. "Modem? Is that a netcomm modem or a
trailblazer? Which chip is that?"

   "Oh the 8088 chip I think. With dual processing." replied Doc, walking off
into the distance with Avalon, off to find another pub, in another land.

                             ===========

                               The End.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


   "A good woman is like a good scotch.. mellow, rich and tawny, strong,
 fragrant... and twelve years old."

                                 The Masked Paedophile, Burning Crucifix BBS


------------------------------------------------------------------------------


                               Trivia Quiz.
                        -=*********************

          How much do you really know about bulletin boards ?
           Try this little quiz, and keep a score as you go.



  -------------------------------Question 1-------------------------------

  What board did "The Alien" run?

 [1] .. The Time Warp BBS
 [2] .. Electric Dreams
 [3] .. The Truth BBS
 [4] .. All of the above.

  -------------------------------Question 2-------------------------------

  Who writes the R.A.T. series under the alias Evil Dangles?

 [1] .. A breakaway sect of Evil Angels.
 [2] .. Taxi Cab seeking revenge.
 [3] .. A user who calls himself All, who is frustrated by the fact that there
        are a lot of nasty people sending him a lot of useless mail.
 [4] .. Fearless Fred while sober.
 [5] .. My IBM.

  -------------------------------Question 3-------------------------------

  What is the "Craig Bowen blues"?

 [1] .. A No.1 Hit on the Black Singles chart.
 [2] .. A pair of shoes.
 [3] .. The sysop's alternative to social depression.
 [4] .. A venerial disease.
 [5] .. CB's very own family "Home Movies".

  -------------------------------Question 4-------------------------------

  What psuedonym does Eric Anderson use on his own board?

 [1] .. Eric Anderson
 [2] .. Happy Hacker
 [3] .. Sysop
 [4] .. Cindy
 [5] .. Blondie
 [6] .. Me Again
 [7] .. All of the above.

  -------------------------------Question 5-------------------------------

  What gender is the user "Avalon .."?

 [1] .. Male
 [2] .. Female
 [3] .. Neuter
 [4] .. All of the above.
 [5] .. Some of the above.
 [6] .. I think I've met Avalon ..

  -------------------------------Question 6---------------------------------

  What is the ultimate bulletin board software?

 [1] .. BOGBBS     (Oliver Goldstein's little monster)
 [2] .. GBBS       (Good ol' Apple BBS)
 [3] .. QuickBBS   (No hints - but I use it)
 [4] .. TBBS       (my 'T'ummy hurts BBS )  *
 [5] .. DLX        (A software version of Des Capitol)
 [6] .. OPUS       (And Fred thought it was another naughty picture show)
 [7] .. FIDO       (Blue Star has competition)
 [8] .. RBBS       ('Arghh!' BBS)

* incidently this has abolutely nothing to do with Cefiar's drinking habits ..

  <*****************************>  Answers <******************************>

                                   45-3744
                                   [24hrs]

                        1 point for each correct answer.

  ---------------------------------Scoring---------------------------------

   Score:          Means....
-------------   ---------------------------------------------------------------
[  below  2 ] : You obviously are a new user, or plain stupid, or both.

[2 ....... 4] : You call the wrong boards. Get around!

[4 ....... 5] : You appear to be an experienced user and call the right boards.

[6 or above ] : You cheated.
-------------   ---------------------------------------------------------------

 =============================================================================

                      Aphelia Bottom's INs And OUTs
                  +------------------------------------+

[Sounds like a list of people who have fucked her.-Ed]

   Hi peoples.. this is your friendly gossip columnist Aphelia Bottom, with my
list of whats in, whats out and everything else that matters ..
[So how do we get IN your pants, Aphelia ?-Ed.]

Whats Out..                            Whats In..
---------------------                  -----------------------------------
Sex Underwater                         Sex at 10000 ft.
Mature Women                           12 Year Olds
Abusing Taxi Cab                       Abusing The Masked Avenger
Zen                                    The Cafe
Hacking & Phreaking                    Working for the Feds
300 baud modems                        9600 baud modems  (no hints Bruce!)
Chat/Conference                        Cult Boards
Amigas                                 My Cray III
---------------------                  -----------------------------------
[strange names for people to have-Ed.]

So keep it up...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* Everything you ever wanted to know about Paedophilia but were afraid to ask.*
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

                                by Doc.

[NOTE: The writer is sexist; there is no advice for female, straight,
paedophiles-Ed.]

    Where to find them..
----------------------------

   Since twelve-year old virgins don't hang around sleazy night clubs, you will
have to go out and find them. Start at a school playground, but watch out for
patrolling teachers. Also useful is MacDonalds after school, Bros concerts and
slumber parties.

    How to chat them up..
-----------------------------

   Days where you could hand out lollies, cookies and teddy bears are long
gone.  Little girls these days are sophisticated, and require much more tact
in picking up. Avoid your normal night-club pick-up lines, something like
"Hey, wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I'll guess your weight.."
just scare them off. They think your a disgusting, sexually disorientated
pervert. The fact that this is probably true is irrelevant, you have to appear
to be nice, safe, mature, and interested in them. So start talking about their
pop music, their male idols like Jason Donovan or Julian Lennon, and appear to
be interested in their school-ground gossip like who likes Jenny, how nobody
likes Dianne and how Matty is a real dork - no matter how brain wastingly
boring this may be. It all pays off in the end. Also, during the conversation,
pick up as much information you can about her friends, so you can work on them
next.

    Getting past their parents..
------------------------------------

   If you've successfully befriended her, don't immediately ask her out to a
drug party or anything you would normally go to on a Saturday night, try
something like "Hey, wanna go see Care Bears II with me?". Also, most parents
won't let their daughters out at night so it'll have to be a Saturday arvo
date, as their usually playing netball in the morning and go to Brownies on
Sunday. Also, the choice of movie is important, Care Bears II hasn't really
got any good sex scenes - you want something to give her ideas. Perhaps
Manifesto, Heavy Petting, Flesh Gordan or something with a lot of seduction and
sex without love. As soon as you've got a date, her parents will undoubtedly
ask to meet you so they can check you out. If you're her first date then this
will be increasingly difficult, parents seem to care about their daughters
inversely proportional to the amount of times shes been laid. When you do meet
them, shake hands with the father, and smile a lot.  Compliment them on the
house, or if she lives in Northcote then something tactful like.. "the
renovations are coming along great aren't they?". Also, contain youself if
there is a younger sister in the house. If you want her too, offer to drive her
to Kindergarten one day.

    Bedroom tactics..
-------------------------

  Now your back from the movie, and shes invited you up to her bedroom to show
you her record collection. Her parents are downstairs, watching television,
saying things like "Isn't he such a nice boy...". Make sure the bedroom door is
locked to keep out prying little brothers [ I thought they only watched you
wank Doc?-Ed.], put on some slow music, sit down on the bed next to her, and
tell her things like how beautiful she is, how she is really mature infront of
her friends, and how she could be really capable of a relationship despite her
age. Kiss. Then fuck her brains out. [Skull fucking?-Ed.]

Cya at the Virgin Megastore in the city..[I thought they sold records.-Ed.]

----------------------------- Quote Of The Month ------------------------------

                "Sex, Drugs and Twelve Year Olds..."

                                    The Masked Paedophile, Burning Crucifix BBS

----------------------------- Song Of The Month -------------------------------

                    Bitch, a Mutha, a Big Big Mutha;
                    Itch, a place in the groin to scratch;
                    Hitch, I pick the little boys up;
                    Slab, Fearless Fred's perfect match;
                    Bath, a place for making gin,
                    Briggy, another word for sin,
                    Prick, something hard going in,
                    And that brings us back to..
                    Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch...

[ Sound Like Another One Of Your Would-Be Girl Friends Doc.-Ed.]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                          Sounds like War Games....
                        ----------------------------

ATSB1

OK

ATDP 3675816

CONNECT 1200

Welcome to WOPR Defense Computer.

Logon > JOSHUA

Greetings Professer Falken.
Would you like to play a game?

> YES

What game would you like to play, Professer Falken?

> LIST GAMES

Tic Tac Toe.
Chess.
Pacman.
Strip Poker.
Leisure Suit Larry II.
King's Quest IV.
Space Quest.
Thermonuclear War.

> I WANT TO PLAY THERMO-NUCLEAR WAR.

How about a nice game of chess?

>PISS OFF NERD!

Do you want to play Russia or America?

> AMERICA

Ok, I will play Russia.

Calculating my first moves...

Would you like some battle statistics?

> YES

Ok. Here I go..

Population wiped out:
       Civilians..................12%
       Military...................10%
       Mentats....................99% [an ollie lives! -Ed]
Churches hit....................1233
Cop Stations destroyed...........213
Incidences of murder..............72
              looting............234
              rape.............12325
              paedophilia..........1 [Masky!-Ed.]

Missiles incoming in approximately 20 seconds..

> FIRE ALL MISSILES

Too late. Impact in 5 seconds...3...1...

KABLOOOOOOOOOEEEY!! BAMM! WHACKK!!! BOOOMMM!! CRASH!!! CCCRUNCH! BLAAAAHHH!!

              [don't you just hate IBM sound capabilities?????]

   But never fear! Never again will you have to suffer the indignity of
   listening to bleeps, bamms and crashes... with the all new

                        AD LIB MUSIC CARD!

   You can now enjoy women screaming, building crashing, people dying and
   music Genghis Kahn would dance to. Servicing all the latest
   top games like Space Quest, Kings Quest, Combat simulators and the rest..

       SEND ALL YOUR MONEY TO THIS ADDRESS AND GET ONE FREE!!!!

                         Night Stalker
                         c/o CrossOver BBS
                         (03)-367-5816

          send a message to the sysop to place your order

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                          qgAugust Awardzq'
                     ___________________________
                          ==================

Loozer Of The Month..............................................Dune Messiah
[ Loozer of the Year ?-Ed.]

Bastard Sysop Of The Month.....................................Masked Avenger

Easy Cum Easy Go Award..............................................Labyrinth

I Wish I Wasn't Her Brother Award...............................Matty Lambert
[then it wouldn't be incest!-Ed.]

Hard To Get Award............................................Brigitte Lambert

I'll Get It In The Hole Next Time.....................................Bigfoot
[thanks for your money pal!-Doc (I thought I did these-Ed.)]

Award For Driving Excellence.................................Janine & Crystal
[ the police thought so too!-Ed. ]

I'm not 15 Award...................................................Mr. Jordan
[Not a 15 either -Ed.]

Raped Before Puberty Award...........................................Hologram

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                        In next month's issue of RAT....
                                  we present

   _____________
  (    /        \
      /         /
     /________ /       /\       ____    ____     ______    ______      _____
    /     \           /  \     ( /  )  ( /   \  ( /    '  ( /    \    /     '
   /       \         /----\     /       /    /   /---)     /_____/   <----->
__/__)      \_______/      \___/_______/____/___/___)_____/   \___________/

                  O F   T H E   L O S T   M O D E M   C O R D
                             by Bruce Wayne

             [n.b. this is not a plug for Netcomm.. it's a cord]

                   [and didn't that pun strike a bad chord]

[The author is out of tune-Ed.]

                          then again, maybe not..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    Rebel Anarchistic Tendencies Is...

                         Doc            [founder]
                       Avalon ..        [editor ]
                      Bruce Wayne       [author ]

                          ....Honourary Members are:

                   Brigitte Lambert     [token female] [She's not sexy.-Ed.]
                   Lachlan Maher        [token wally ]
                   Night Stalker        [sysop of THE BBS]

                                  Pushers:

                   Cefiar Chunderac     [sysop, The Cafe]
                   Night Stalker        [sysop, The CrossOver]
                   Bruce Wayne          [sysop, Chicago]

                       Cadet authors always welcome.

          Send Resume, a sample of your work and your vital stats to:

                                   Avalon ..
                            c/o The Crossover BBS

                     if you wish to apply for a cadetship.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

                           Call These Boards...
                          ----------------------

                    All (+61)-(03) (Victoria, Australia)

  ** The CrossOver.............367-5816 **    **.364-1282 as of 25/9/89.**
                                              [always engaged]
     Chicago...................728-6698
                                              [1200 & 2400 CCITT, 300 Bell]
     The Hard Rock Cafe........894-2815
                                              [four lines with chat]
     The BlackBoard............776-5206
                                              [no loosers, nerds or geeks.]
     The Burning Crucifix......562-0938
                                              [SPACES & RETURN at carrier]

  ** The Twilite Zone..........878-3539 **    ** Currently Off Line **
                                              [Now with QuickBBS]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
               All rights worth all the shit up Masky's arse.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

