_____________________________________________________________________________
---------------------------- I Bleed for This? ------------------------------
------05.25.94-----------------------------------------------------#019------

                             Intravenous Kegger
                 Appreciated by Snarfblat and Jason Farnon
     

Posted on ATDT-East:
     
From: RANDOM TOX
Read: 4 times

     To: All
Subject: High School Coolness BEYOND YOUR DREAMS!

    Hell yeah! Not only was I CAPTAIN of the FOOTBALL team, but I was both
the Quarterback AND the Tight-End! And the COACH! And Sometimes even the
BALL! And I was also CAPTAIN of the CHEERLEADING SQUAD! Yes!

    Indeed I was POPULAR. And I harrassed girls with BIG HAIR and Champion
sweaters on a nightly basis! I DRINK one cup of BEER for every WOMAN I've
taken advantage of and "Townie Liquors Inc" has to RESTOCK! I don't just
DRINK, I got to MEXICO and drink! I don't just EAT the Tequila WORMS, They
BREED in my DEFECATION! Only WIMPS enjoy FUNNELING -- I use a KEG and an
IV!

    I BEND BARS with my virility! I may be STERILE due to massive STEROID
USE but who cares? The combo of BREASTS and BRAWN got me to my exalted
DOUBLE-CAPTAIN status! I have to wear a shorter dress than most other
cheerleaders so I can HIKE the BALL with greater ease!

    My pom-poms have CHIN STRAPS! So do my BOOTS!

    I don't just HIDE my BEER in a buried plastic TRASHCAN full of ice,
HELL NO!  I hide it in a refrigerated WORLD WAR TWO BUNKER!  I've been in
TWENTY drunk-driving car ACCIDENTS! I'm an HONORARY Works SYSOP! I don't
just DELETE users, I get DRUNK and BEAT them!  I know all about COMPUTER
HACKING! I use a SLEDGEHAMMER! I don't write Neon Knights TEXTFILES, I have
so much BOOZE in my BLOOD that I just THINK like that! I didn't just DESIGN
the Paisley Box, I AM A PAISLEY BOX!

    The only time I use books are when I THROW them! I only read HIGHWAY
signs, because they're BIG, like ME! I EMBRACE Academia, if she has big
TITS!  I read the BOSTON HERALD! And it's overly COMPLICATED for me to
understand! I just buy it for the BACK COVER anyway!  I love those CLEVER
headlines! I have five hundred OVERPRICED brand name sweatshirts, and I've
"accidentally" (ha!) fashionably RIPPED them, and I wear them INSIDE-OUT!

    I've sewed an entire SET of DRAPERIES and QUILTS with the underwear
I've yanked off entirely WILLING passed-out DRUNK TOWNIE GIRLS! No
fraternity at any College will have me because I'M SO GREAT! So I started
MY OWN! Yeah!

    I'm so hip that I SNORT COKE! And so what? They say ALCOHOL is a DRUG
and it hasn't hurt me a BIT! I'm so TOUGH that I cut my flake with GROUND
GLASS! HEROIN is for WEAKLINGS! I just swallow Poppy SEEDS and extract
OPIUM directly in my STOMACH! 

     As you can see, I'm just a cool guy.

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