
 '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
  ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
  ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #368 !!
  #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS!  !!
  ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
  ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "A Life More Ordinary"                   !!
  ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Girl From Mars                     !!
 ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/22/98                                 !!
 !!========================================================================!!

        We all lead secret lives.  We have things that we do when we are
 alone, that nobody else knows about.  You may know me as Miriam, or
 grlfrmars on IRC.  However, in those moments when I am not with a friend
 or on IRC, I do indeed have a separate identity.  I will now share with
 you what I do when the doors are locked and the blinds are shut.  This
 is not meant for the weak of heart, so for those of you who are easily
 frightened, I suggest you stop reading now.  OK, here goes.

        When I am alone, I undergo dramatic changes.  My alter ego, a
 sophomore college girl named Gen emerges.  I shed my usual garb,
 consisting of baggy, bell-bottom pants and black shirts, and don
 tapered-leg jeans and an Abercrombie and Fitch sweater.  I take of my
 Doc Marten steel toe boots and tie on a pair of Nike trainers.  I
 alternately put my hair up in a ponytail or stuff it all into a
 baseball cap.  Suede and Tori come out of my CD player, and Matchbox 20
 and the Dave Matthews Band go in.  I put up my Anne Geddes posters, you
 know, the ones with babies in various costumes, and I am all set.

        Once my room and appearance are set, I call up my boyfriend Eric
 and pick fights with him for spending too much time with his frat
 brothers and those WHORES who wear those black pants and hang around the
 frats drinking a lot.  Doesn't he know that he's supposed to be thinking
 about me all the time?  Why can't I find a man like Leonardo DiCaprio in
 Titanic?  If he asked me, I'd sleep with him.  Not Eric though.  We've
 been dating since sophomore year of high school, but I don't trust him
 enough yet.  And anyway, if a girl sleeps with a boy, she doesn't have
 him following her panting for it like Eric does to me.  Anyway, I think
 he's been sleeping with those HOOCHIES at the frat parties, but I'm not
 sure.  He swears that he doesn't, but isn't that what boys do?   I don't
 understand why he spends so much time with his frat brother Tarquin.
 What is so great about Tarquin?  He doesn't wear his cargo pants loose
 enough to have that J-Crew Model look that is just so cute!  He actually
 doesn't like Dave Matthews, either.  Whenever I'm there he's listening
 to the soundtrack to Cats or something like that.  Whenever I'm there
 Tarquin and Eric stare at each other like they have some private joke
 and they want me to leave so they can laugh or something.  God, boys
 are such jerks!

        After I hang up on Eric a few times and he stops calling me back,
 I call up my friend Candi and talk about what a jerk Eric is and what
 bitches our friends are.  They just think they're all that!  They think
 they are SO cute, and they're SO not!!  After I talk to Candi, I have to
 go next door and tell my neighbor to turn her music down.  She's always
 listening to some ugly girl singers who don't shave and complain about
 how women are treated today.  I mean, I am such a feminist.  My idol is
 Ally McBeal!  I want to get a job in an office somewhere and have a
 hunky boss and go home and have my husband clean the house!  Women
 should not be moaning about their situation, come on, we have it easy.
 If those women want to change their own tires and pay for dates, go
 ahead.  I'll be right here, having my man buy me things.  I think my
 neighbor is a lesbian, I mean she doesn't even wear makeup!

        After I get done yelling at my neighbor, I sit and read Chicken
 Soup for the Soul for a while.  Those stories warm my heart.  Then I
 watch Friends, and after Friends I throw Clueless into the VCR.  God, I
 love that movie!  The boy who turns out to be gay kind of reminds me of
 Tarquin.

        When the movie is over, the room gets quiet.  I look around, and
 realize that Morrissey is staring at me from my wall.  I melt.  My alter
 ego quickly fades away, and I throw on Viva Hate and return to my
 "normal" existence.  What do you do when you're alone?

 !!========================================================================!!
 !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!     #368 - BY: GIRL FROM MARS - 12/22/98 !!
