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=   F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K.   =
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                           Four Years
                           ----------

Its been a long time since Ive written anything down of this nature, I
guess the time has come to let it flow.

Four years...

Four years of being numb.
Four years of hatred, depression, solitude, emptyness, and aggression.
Bottled and some how waiting in hopes that some day it will all 'taste
better'.

Watching myself rot before my own eyes has not been an easy task. Every
time an ounce of emotion threatens to surface I force my self to swallow
it down back into the bottle.

I've grown use to the pain where the bottle lies in the pitt of my stomache.
I've learned how to harness its power. The jagged edges that cut me day in
and day out are the only thing that lets me know Im still alive.

I sit in a dark and hatefilled world that I damned myself too for a long
time to come. My brain screams out for information to fill the void where
emotions should lie. 'Knowing' is my only strength, ignorance my pitfall.

		"Through insanity I will reach clarity in myself"

The reason I write this file is not for pity, attention, or a cry for help.
Im simply beyond it. I write this in hopes that maybe some one out there
will read it before getting to the same mental/emotional state.

Thier are many paths you have to take to get to this state of your own
hell. And the main highway that will take you there is by not expressing
the way you feel. The media, educational system, law enforcement agencies,
parents, and some friends will all tell you its wrong to show weakness or
emotions. And the minute you do the will kick you for it. But if you dont
your kicking yourself.

Maybe a significant other[s] screwed you over. Maybe your parents failed
you some how by not being there for half your life or not 'understanding'
the way you think and feel. Some teacher might of told you that you would
never amount to anything. A friend might of stabbed you in the back over
and over again. Hell maybe some idiot kicked your ass in school for just
being you. You dont have to sit there and keep it all bottled up inside,
dooming yourself to end up on a tower with a high powered rifle or in a
room with a razor blade.

Get up go outside and scream at the top of your lungs. Find a punching
bag/wall/the person who kicked your ass, and let it all fly out. Go up to
the person that hurt you and tell em off. Get a job and rub it in your
teachers face that your making more a year then she/he is. Go beige box
your nieghbors pad and call the psychic hotline just to talk to someone
if you have to. JUST BRAKE SHIT! Because if you dont your going to end up
alone, pissed, and confused. After awhile you wont even know how you got
that way.

The last couple of weeks has been hell. I finally started to let the bottle
drain. I still have a long way to go before Ill be back to who I was. Its
sorta scary to know I let myself slip this way, and that I dont know who
I am anymore. Maybe Im scared of what I'll find.  What I do know is I'll
never let a person or event hurt me for more then that moment in time.

Untill then I have my solitude, depression, and ignorance to get me by...
at least I know where Im at. Do you?

		"Its never hard, its never easy, it just is..."

-pill

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