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   ooooo   ooooo  .oooooo.  oooooooooooo       HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #559
   `888'   `888' d8P'  `Y8b `888'     `8
    888     888 888      888 888                 "How I Really Feel"
    888ooooo888 888      888 888oooo8
    888     888 888      888 888    "                 by Daisy
    888     888 `88b    d88' 888       o               4/6/99
   o888o   o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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        I read the titles of all of the other writers files and tell myself
 how did I ever get wrapped up in this?  I cannot write nearly as good as
 any of these other writers can.  I am just some preppy white girl from the
 Midwest who is so wrapped up in her own life that consists only of her
 boyfriend and nothing else, or so Mogel feels, and cannot write about
 anything else.  Well, let me tell you that if I get on a fit of rage I can
 write about any damn thing I want!  And Mogel. Please take this file as a
 compliment, because you gave me a vision, you gave me something to write
 about.

        My whole life I have been told that I am not good enough.  I'm not
 good enough to play the drums well because I am a girl.  I'm not as pretty
 as those snotty lil' Munster bitches because I do not stick my nose in the
 air like they do or have the money their daddy's do or get nose jobs or
 drive a Mustang.  I am not good enough for this one guy at school because
 he decides to announce to everyone "No, I will not have sex with you unless
 you suck my dick!".  What the hell is that I say, fuck it!  Because I never
 wanted to fuck you in the first place dammit!  I will never become a cop
 because I am too little or not aggressive enough!  I will never get
 anywhere in life because I received a 850 on my SATs and barely graduated.
 I will never live up to the expectations of my parents because they try to
 compare me to my genius older brother or athletic little sister.  I will
 never get married or lead a happy life because I have cheated on every
 boyfriend I have ever had!  I will never get a good job because I don't
 try in school and because of that no university will ever take me.  You
 better marry a rich old guy they say jokingly when deep down it hurts
 because they are most likely right!  You'll never be able to run track
 again because you have a bad back, yeah, there went the scholarships and
 any chance on getting into any good college.  You'll never have any friends
 because no body likes you!  Maybe all of this stuff is not what everyone
 says.  Maybe it is what I tell myself.

        But I can play the drums, just give me a chance!  I am as pretty as
 those Munster bitches, you just need to look harder!  And who cares if I
 don't have a lot of money, you don't need money to be a good person!  And
 that guy at school can go fuck himself or some other girl who is willing to
 suck his dick!  I will be a cop because I have enough bottled up aggression
 to fight of the entire US Army (okay maybe not that much but I have a lot).
 I will get somewhere in life because I can, if I try.  And cheating on my
 boyfriends well I never found the right one until now!  I won't have to
 marry rich.  I will support myself if I need to because I will be
 successful, you wait and see.  All of these things have built up inside and
 are pouring out so fast that I cannot type fast enough to get them all out!
 You see I can write for HOE, really I can but I just need a tangent to get
 off on, something meaningful, something that will bring tears to my eyes
 like this did.  Something I believe in!  Something I love.  But if you
 think this is just another cop-out file, Mogel you are sadly mistaken!
 Because this came from my heart, from my soul, from deep down where no body
 really sees.  Somewhere others will never know exists unless they tell me
 that I am not good enough!

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 [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!      HOE #559 - WRITTEN BY: DAISY - 4/6/99 ]
