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=   F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K.   =
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                                Love in Vein
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi. You might remember my whiny FUCK file from a while back in which I 
wrote about a woman I loved but who turned out to be Queen Bitch of the 
Universe. I can recall feelings of nervousness mixed with abject fear, 
self-pity, and low self-esteem in the days before I opened up to her. I 
was so nauseous that I couldn't eat for literally days at a time. In 
short, I had a major depressive episode -- all before I even talked to 
her. This came about mainly because I knew her well, had known her for 
years, and didn't want to jeopardize the friendship (which, as it 
happens, meant more to me than it did to her). When I did open up to 
her, I found that my fears were true -- she didn't feel the same way. 
Additionally, she ended the friendship not long after when I made the 
mistake of mailing her a letter; she was paranoid (this observation was 
made by people other than myself, so no clouded judgment here :) and 
believed I was stalking her, so she threatened to file harassment 
charges if I ever contacted her again. So I stepped back and 
re-evaluated her as a potential partner, and discovered that she was, in 
fact, nowhere near what I think I want in a woman.

This all occurred before last November. I've been feeling like shit over 
it for almost the entire time, but no more. Now I truly understand the 
meaning of such cliches as, "there are plenty of fish in the sea" and, 
"the worst thing she can do is say no" (not true in my case, but...). A 
few months ago I asked my shrink (don't ask) how a person like me who 
doesn't drink can meet people. She couldn't come up with any quick 
suggestions, but I think I've found a nice solution. A couple of weeks 
ago, Disorder took me and some TACD & PLA doodz to a dance club, where I 
saw perfect strangers dancing and hanging out together after exchanging 
a few words. As this was my first time in a club, I was amazed. The 
music was great and the women were great looking. Thanks to Dis, I've 
found a way to meet people without fear of rejection (if one doesn't 
want to dance, hey, I'll move on to the next :).

By a nice coincidence, the club Dis introduced me to was the one which a 
friend of mine had told me I should go to. This was back in December, 
when I was still feeling like shit over the last woman, so it didn't 
occur to me that when my friend said, out of the blue, "why don't you 
ever go to the Wreck Room?" -- and then told me I should go sometime -- 
that she may have been asking me to go with her. Earlier this week she 
and I flirted a bit...when I told her we went on a Saturday, she said 
that I should go on Sunday instead, as that's when she's there. After 
she said this several times, I responded that she would have to take me 
there sometime and teach me to dance. We dropped it there, but she 
smiled at me the rest of the day. As it happens, I chickened out on 
asking her to go this weekend, but I think I'll show up anyway and dance 
with her if she's there.

Since Dis is probably sick of getting rambling, abstract submissions 
from me, I'll try to get a moral in here. For those of you who, like 
myself, have never had a long-lasting or serious relationship (my 
brother, who is gay, has had more girlfriends than I have. Digest that 
one), I would advise you to not fixate on one person. As stupid as it 
sounds, there ARE plenty of fish in the sea. I worried about getting one 
woman so much that it became the only goal in my life (but not so much 
that I stalked and killed her *<coughOJcough*>), and that's what fucked 
me up so much when I talked to her. With this one I think I can 
truthfully say that it will be no great loss if she doesn't go for me. 
There were several fish at the club on Saturday. Comparatively speaking, 
though, she's a far better match for me than the last one (who was a 
Catholic (I hate religion), a heavy drinker, and not particularly 
smart). This may sound like I'm dumping on her, but those are the facts 
that I couldn't see while I was blinded by the love in my blood.

I'm making a fresh start this weekend. Wish me luck.


-Legion    

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