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ViTSoNiC                         November 1993                          File 12
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                The

                                  The    
                                          Pure
                                  Effects
                                          of
                                  Alcohol

        Well, before I begin I must make it known that I am not the
  foremost authority on the topic of alcohol and it's effects but I can say
  that I have observed many drink it and hurl it.

        A lot of people think they know why they drink, some say hey, I just
  wanna get pissed, bout 75%, others say I dunno, I just do, 11%, hmmmmm, I
  really can't see that well, 5%, and the remainder 9% are undecided about
  peer group pressure, or just wanna smash windows opening a Coldie.

        So the first thing one needs to do is decide how much of an effect
  one wants to achieve. If you want to get wrecked and absolutely shit
  faced then drink till you can't drink anymore. Usually the most common
  feat, but also has bad side effects. The first side effect occurs before
  you even start drinking. You need to have access to the alcohol. This can
  be to some a real problem, for numerous reasons. The most common being
  that they lack the money to get the required beverages. This problem is
  further compounded by parental preferences. Most parents either drink
  really bad Port, Sherry or something else not social acceptable. Age also
  plays an important part in getting alcohol. If ya too young to purchase,
  then find a really good friend.

        There is one really good solution to these problems. Go to a party
  were lot's of others have lot's of alcohol and just confidently pour your
  own or borrow from the never ending bin in the corner. This can be
  achieved quite easily because by the time you actually gain the
  confidence and overcome the fear of 'borrowing' everyone else is well on
  their way to being shitfaced and therefore won't realize that your
  borrowing their own beverages.

        Once you start to drink, you will feel the following the effects.
  First time drinkers, depending on what they drink will not enjoy, say
  their first Beer. Fear not, this is generally a universal reaction. The
  aftertaste of the Beer will immediately cause you to smile in disbelief
  conveying a message of 'yes, I really do enjoy this, this, beverage.'

        Others decide to hit the spirits. Spirits include whiskeys through
  to OverProof rums. You must be warned however, that some of these
  beverages can make you
                a) Throw up immediately
                b) Spit out the offending mouthful
                c) Swear very loudly
                d) Promise never to drink again
                e) impress every one there
                f) as a consequence of e), make many new friends
                g) All of the Above
        If your afraid of any of the above, then I suggest stinking to red
   cordial laced with highly contaminated water full of Chlorine.

        Spirits, if they are too strong for your tastebuds, can be
   effectively mixed with a mixer, preferably Coca-Cola. If you're a Pepsi
   freak, then this is the one exception you have to make. Pepsi does not
   make for a suitable mixer, only Coca-Cola can achieve this highly
   important function. Any spirit not flavoured as a fruit can be mixed
   with Coca-Cola. If you are new, do not under any circumstances mix
   Midori (or similar) with Coca-Cola, as party goers will immediately
   lose respect for you and suddenly realize that you are borrowing their
   beverages.

        Once passed your tenth mouthful, fifth beer, 50th mixed drink or
   3rd trip to the Golden Bowl, you will start to feel slightly dizzy. Once
   you feel this, you know it's time to stop mixing drinks and sculling
   bottles of anything alcoholic. It is effectually called the point of no
   return. Drink, Drink, Drink. Next feelings then to be slightly blurred
   to the memory, but is easy to recall when observing others.

        Firstly, you start saying things that are really true, like, I
   really love you and wanna fuck your brains out, or 'Fuck your an ugly
   mother fucker' to the toughest guy/gal in the room . . . . b| . . .
   resulting in a black eye and a missing tooth. Experienced drinkers learn
   to be more tactful in what they say, generally handled by taking your
   girlfriend/boyfriend or sticking in a really tough group.

        Other effects include sudden loss of balance, delayed reactions,
   blurred vision, slurred speech. The more obscure reactions are many and
   varied. Sudden craving to inflict personal pain, falling to the ground,
   from balconys, and then laughing, singing psalms and hymns, really
   well, and remembering really bad things that make you feel really
   guilty.

        These reactions are pretty standard and should not be feared. If
   you are still concerned and feel that these reactions tend to lead to
   violence and personal pain, then I can reassure you by saying that
   statistically speaking, the number of injuries caused by alcohol at a
   party number the amount of Meg you have in your machine each year.
   Therefore the chances of you being injured or hurt are about the same as
   being beaten up by a fluffy duck.

        The next reaction tends never to be remembered very well, but
   generally includes hurling everywhere and an inability to control
   important facets of the body as rectum muscles or urinary tract.

        That pretty much concisely covers the general effects of alcohol.

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