
 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
   ooooo   ooooo  .oooooo.  oooooooooooo       HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #784
   `888'   `888' d8P'  `Y8b `888'     `8     "The Biggest, Largest, Most 
    888     888 888      888 888              Exciting Heist of All Time,  
    888ooooo888 888      888 888oooo8   Part 8: The TRUE Nature of the Heist"
    888     888 888      888 888    "                 by Nybar
    888     888 `88b    d88' 888       o              8/12/99
   o888o   o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------]

        Nybar's apartment minus Nybar, with Jubjub and Dawn the waitress in
 the kitchen and Guy and Keith in the monitoring room.  Jubjub was
 pontificating on some subject or other.
 
        "Well... I suppose we're going to have to tell you eventually anyway,
 so I might as well tell you the whole story.  This is going to sound pretty
 damn weird, so I'll just spit it out:--" after a barely perceptible glance
 to make sure Keith and Guy were still in the soundproofed monitoring room,
 he continued.

        "okay, one more clarification.  This isn't going to sound weird.
 It's going to sound REALLY weird.  Here goes: One night 100 years ago, a
 group of ascetic monks practicing a strange religion living in a temple on
 top of a mountain wished upon evil spirits to grant them a boon.  They
 wanted to be able to write their philosophy and spirituality into a Bible
 that anyone, even the dumbest of the dumb, could understand, and spread
 their religion around the world.  One day, weeks later, they got what they
 wished for.  The head monk woke in his bed of thorns to see a scepter next
 to him.  When he picked it up, he felt charged with a strange power.  He
 knew that this is what he had wished for.

        "Immediately after giving himself 50 lashes with a bull-whip, he set
 to work writing their Bible.  He was horrified with the outcome; it was all
 popular drivel.  It read like a serial novel!  The Head-Monk now knew what
 anyone who has heard a story like this before knows; don't make a deal with
 demons/evil spirits/the devil unless you want to get fucked over.

        "The Head Monk sent his young son, Abdul, to the market and had him
 sell the scepter.  We lose track of it a little here, but it eventually
 found it's way into the hands of a J.D. Salinger.  Now you know why The
 Catcher in the Rye was so popular; it was written by a man with The Scepter.
 J.D. Salinger used the scepter judiciously and not very greedily, unlike the
 next person it fell into the hands of, Stephen King.  I don't know how he
 got it, but he's been using it for years to become what he is today.
 Finally, I believe the scepter got bored of him.  Bam, hit by a van.  Don't
 fuck with evil spirits.

        "After this accident, King's home was broken into.  The Scepter was
 nowhere to be found. But Stephen King has been heard by hospital attendents
 babbling about an evil entity, and the Scepter being taken back to it's
 lair.  This much practically everyone knows, for it's a legend among hack
 writers, which almost all hoe contributors are.  'Find the Scepter and
 you'll be rich' is what 'zine veterans tell their gullible compatriots.

        "Well, before you call me and Nybar gullible, consider this: an
 explorer recently climbed to the top of the mountain the ascetic monk temple
 was located.  Well, the temple was still there, but no monks.  Save for one,
 Abdul, the old Head-Monk's son.  He was emaciated and nearly incoherently
 senile, but he, too, kept babbling about an evil spirit.  He gave the
 explorer a note from his father.  Here's a transcript of it." 

        Jubjub removes a piece of paper from his right pocket and reads from
 it:

        "blah blah blah... this is an incoherent part... ah here we go, it
 says: The Scepter is completely alive, perhaps a manifestation of the
 popular mentality that buys the drivel it produces.  An evil spirit for a
 modern age, if this is the truth!  In any case, though, the scepter will not
 be held thrall to the likes of Stephen King for much longer.  It will most
 likely return to it's ancestral home after taking care of him...,"

        Jubjub pauses and furrows his brow, "more incoherency, something
 about blue lobsters, ok, it starts again: we were naive to think that we
 could create a force as essential as the scepter, really it has always
 existed, a conscious entity with no point but to opiate the masses, so to
 speak.  Heh heh..."

        Jubjub paused again "this is another incoherent part actually, it's a
 long rant on organized religion, but I'll spare you.  Hmm, that's the end of
 the useful part.  The other thing that the explorer was given was this map."
 Jubjub brandished a map.  "This is the one advantage we have over the guys
 in the Pentagon--whom Nybar thinks are trying to knock us off--we know
 exactly where what we're looking for is.  In theory at least, but we can't
 seem to figure out what region this map is for!  Nybar thinks they have the
 opposite problem; they know what general area the map is for but don't have
 the map! Uh..." 

        Jubjub pants.

        "That's was a mouthfull, yaknow?" 

        As Jubjub catches his breath, Dawn simply sits, turning the facts
 over in her mind.  The panting man and the tied up, thinking waitress sit
 like this for what seems like an eternity.  Dawn finally breaks the silence:

        "So, if you can get the sceptre, what do you plan to do with it?
 What makes you think you can escape the evil spirits any more than JD
 Salinger or Stephen King could?" she asks in earnest, but Jubjub laughs
 heartily. 

        "I don't really know.  I'm really just hired help.. take it up with
 Nybar!" he replies through his laughter. 

        Then she laughs too, mainly at the sheer stupidity and self
 infatuation of this Nybar character.  Jubjub's laughter continued for a long
 time, as did the two's conversation.

        Menawhile, under the kitchen table, an electronic monitoring device
 picks it all up.  But the part of interest to the monitors is already over.

 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
 [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!     HOE #784 - WRITTEN BY: NYBAR - 8/12/99 ]
