Mike's Madness #23

This is a test of the Mike's Madness Emergency Alert System (WOMBAT). The
programmers of this network node have created this system in the event that
another Mike's Madness issue is released.

This is only a test . . .

[30 seconds of some horrible screeching noise]

This has been a test of the Mike's Madness Emergency Alert System. Had this
been an acutal Mike's Madness release, the message you just heard would have
been followed by retching, vomitting, swearing, the turning off of computer
terminals and several sickening references to beastiality.

This concludes this test of the Mike's Madness Emergency Alert System
(PLATYPUS). We now return you to "Star Trek - The Next Generation"


Captain's Log, Stardate 4/14/67 - 

While en route to the planet Dung, we have encountered an intergalatic trader
. . .

Cap't: Open hailing frequencies, Mr. Warped . . .

Trader [smokin' a massive reefer]: Oh hey man! Dude, you wanna buy some BUD?

Cap't: Bud?

Data: Yes Captain - marijuana. Pot. Reefer. Smoke . . .

Cap't: Thank you, Mr. Data . . .

Data: . . . Spliff. Rasta. 13. M. Ganja . . .

Cap't: Not AGAIN!!

Data: . . . Shit. Weed. Tea. Joint. Kif . . .

Cap't: Mr. Crusher, in the future you are to refrain from teaching Commander
       Data new words!

Data: . . . Humbolt High. Panama Red. Columbian Gold . . .

Trader: Yeah, THAT!

Data: . . . Haze. Northern Lights. Hash Plant . . .

Cap't: Mr. Data, execute the following instruction:
       10 GOSUB 10.

Data: Out of Memory Error in 10 [falls off chair like a drunken Australian
      politician, as if there is any other kind]

Cap't: Mr. Trader, we here in the 24'th Century have no need for the plant
       you refer to as marijuana.

Trader: Whyzzat?

Cap't: Because we get WIRED all day instead! [whips out mirror with a huge
       white line, snorts the whole thing.]

Cap't: All ahead warp factor 2 ga-zillion! Engage!

[Enterprise zooms off]

Trader: Fucking crank fiends!


And now . . .

# 32: The Oral Sex
# 32: The Oral Sex

Woman: (suck suck suck suck) Mmmmmmm... sooo goooood. (lick, suck suck suck)
       I looove it in my mouth! Right in my mouth! (lick lick, suck) 
                          
Man: Aaahhhh, aaahhh, AAH! (pant pant) Ohhhhhhh, ohhhh YES! Ahh. Suck me 
     harder! Ahhh! Oh god I'm going to COME! Ah! AHHHH! Ah? Uh..., why'd ya 
     quit? 
 
Woman: I read once that semen is made up of sugar. I have to think of 
       my figure, you know!
 
Man: Oh, don't worry Honey -- this is Semen-Low! It's made with Nutra-Sweet.
     So it's got half the calories of regular jizz, but it still has that 
     same great taste! 
 
Woman: Semen-Low, eh? I'll have to give it a try! (*SLUUUUUURP!*) 
 
(fade out) 

Voice Over: "Semen-Low -- Good to the last Swallow!"



     Juan Corona had a farm,  
     EE-II-EE-II-O 
     And on the farm he had some migrants . . . 

     But not for long. 
 

      
     Okay folks, from now on, anyone who uses this goofy ":-)" thing should
have their head submerged in a bucket of vomit for a period of not less
than 30 seconds.
 
Penalties for other forms of computer kitsch: 
 
Variation      Punishment 
---------      ----------  
;-)            Quite a hard kick to the groin  
|-)            A belt in the mouth 
\-)            Nipples pulled out 3 inches 
:->            Death 
:-<            More death 
:-/            Death, Death, Torture and Death
:-]            Knees nailed together (approved by the Vatican) 
:-[            Head sawn open 
|-{            Forced to sniff a German's armpit  
;-{            Twice!  (No shit here guys -- you do this one and you should 
                        have your nose surgically attached the left pit of
                        some bloated Austrian bastard named Hans who
			recalls fondly that HIS Stuka wing took out more
			orphanages than any other airwing in history.
                        Oh yeah, guys -- they do have people like this in
                        Bavaria.  You meet 'em at Octoberfest where they
                        chortle with their pals as past glories are relived
                        in the fuzzed thinking that's usually associated
                        associated with 25 years of drinking. 
                              "Hans," one'll chuckle, "you rotten Austrian
                        bastard, do you recall the vrail slip ov a girl ve
                        saw in Poland vun morning back in '44?  Such a
                        fragile girl.  Vas such shame da 500 pound
                        magnesium bomb vent ovv in vront of her." (HAAHAHA)


And now for a letter from one of my readers . . .

     Dear Mike, 
           
     I admit that your column is occasionally funny (occasionally).
But I must wholly protest at this persecution of those of us who like to
use cheap and schlocky ASCII graphics. :-). HEY! LEGGO! No! NO! I'M SORRY!
I'LL NEVER DO IT AG-

SPLUNGE!    
 

BLUB BLUB BLUB BLUB BLUB . . . 


And now . . .

#14: Two bits about Germany
#14: Two bits about Germany

Let's examine the idea of a unified Germany from a hysterical point of view.
Germans are nice people. They have nice families. They drive nice cars.
They're lead by a man named Helmut Kohl.

The man's named after a head covering and a flammable rock!


[Nicely dressed lady standing by warm, crackling fire. Christmas music plays
in background. Stockings are hung by the fire with care. Unfortunately not
enough care, because they are all smoldering.]

Lady: I love the Holidays. Giving presents, seeing old friends, getting
mindlessly smashed on Egg Nog and screwing the help. And all the wonderful
Christmas stories! But my kids have heard all those stories before! And
they're soooooo uneducational. Aren't there any Christmas stories that are
new and explore the childhood psychosis of German World War II leaders?

Announcer: Funny you should ask that!

Lady: There hasn't been anything remotely funny about this whole episode!

[BANG!] [thud]

 *    N E W    T H I S    C H R I S T M A S    *

Announcer: This Christmas, K-GEL and Oh Bloody Hell Records bring you a new
holiday story that reflects the "True Spirit Of Christmas" [(c), TM, RTM, 1990
'La Grande Scam' Productions]. This Christmas, or whenever you've smoked far
too much dope, join us for this enchanting, heart-warming tale . . .


ADOLF HITLER MEETS SANTA CLAUS
------------------------------

(Before I began this, I'd better tell ya that a "vels" is the Germanic
pronunciation of "wels" [or Sheatfish], an enormous catfish that eats
people and lives nowhere near Austria, but only because of immigration
restrictions.)

Santa: "Comen ze 'ere, A-dolf. You vas a naughty boy again zis year!"

Hitler: "Nien! I vas gooten boy, Zanta! Honest!"

"You vas a rotten bastard, you mean!"

"I vas nice all year long!"

"You ved your sishter to a vels, you little bastard!"

"NEIN! She vell in der river!"

"NEIN! You pushed her in vit der shtick! Und zen der vels e't her! Und you,
you vrotten Austrian bastard, you sat zere und laughed your ass off because
you vaz eattink der Flyshpeck mushrooms again!"

"She vas a slut! She deserved to be ved to der vels!"

"Vas about der Goldbergs?! You ved zem to der vels alzo! All zerteen vamilies
in der village! And vonce zey vas e't, you pushed in der extended vamily, der
help, neighbors who couldn't get avay, any stray animals you vound, der entire
101'st Airborne und half der Royal Cabinet. UND ZEY VAS ALL EATEN BY DER
BLOODY VELS! Did you know zat halv the zhipping in Duetchland has been
shtopped by a bloated, 7,000 ton catvish shtuck in der Rhine?!"

"I have been gooten boy apart from zat!"

"You lying bit of Teutonic nastiness! You stoned your art teacher to death!"

"NEIN! WAS NOT STONINK MEIN DEAR ART TEACHER TO DEATH!"

"Nein?"

"Nein! I vas feedink him also to der vels!"

"Und how many more unvortunate vretches did you feeded to der vels?"

"Zeven!"

"Zeven?"

"Thouzand."

"You are knowink vas you're gettink in der shtockink zis year, Adolf?"

"A Panzer?"

"Neinnnnnnn . . ."

"A Shtuka?"

"Ees wrong again!"

"ACH! Is nicht gettink der coal AGAIN?"

"YA! ZAT IS VRIGHT! CHOO ARE GETTINK DER COAL AGAIN!"
                                              -----
"MIEN KAMPF! I'VE BEEN JEWED!"

"Und do somethink about zat horrible moustache!"


Also coming out this Christmas!

First, there was the charming French (NOTE: This is the only place you've ever
seen "charming" and "French" next to each other in a sentence. "French" is
usually preceded by "obnoxious" or "revolting" and usually directly followed
by "were directly responsible for an act of terrorism against a peaceful
vessel anchored in neutral waters") movie "The Bear"

>From Japan came "Milo and Otis"

Now, from Duetchland Uber Allies Productions . . .

Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer meets an ME-109!
----------------------------------------------
(Running time: 9 1/2 seconds)


"Death's Head Squadron - Rudolf at 4 o' clock!"

"Ach-tu-leeben! Zere vill be venison ober Dusseldorf tonight!"

[mmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMR R R R R R R  A   A    A     A     W    W   !]
[* BR-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-ACK!   BR-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-ACK! *]

"Mayday! Mayday! This is Santa One! I'm hit! I'm hit! I'm going down over the
Rhineland! Donner and Blitzen are on fire and Rudolf's out completely! MAYDAY!
MAYDAY!"

[cut to inside of a shabby cottage on the Rhine]

Mother [to about 50 poorly dressed starving children]: I'm sorry children,
your father has been busted for sexually molesting a wallaby and is in der
klink. There'll be no venison for Christmas this year."

[Bullet-ridden body of Rudolf falls through the roof, killing her instantly]

Children: Hooray! We'll have venison! Hooray!

[Santa's sled and six flaming reindeer crash brutally through the roof,
killing the whole lot].

THE END

A "Ve Have Vays Of Making You Talk" Production


Coming soon to Cable!

Ted Turner and the Roman Catholic Church present . . .

- - - - -   - - - - - -   - - - - - - - - - - - -
J E S U S   C H R I S T   S U P E R S T A T I O N
- - - - -   - - - - - -   - - - - - - - - - - - -

Available on your local cable network

Price: 75 Hail Marys, 2 Our Fathers and 25 years in Purgatory. Consult your
local clergy before purchasing.


NEW from Fecal-Soft . . .

Looking for adventure?
Looking for education?
Looking to blow $45 on utter garbage?

LOOK NO FURTHER!

It'ssssssssssss . . .

--------------------------------------
WHERE IN THE ZORK IS CARMEN SAN DIEGO?
--------------------------------------

We combine the finest text adventure ever written with the educational hit of
the 1980's! Just look at this exciting scene!


Carmen San Diego Room.
----------------------

This room is a large orifice carved into the solid granite of the mountain
side. Exits lead south and east.

Carmen San Diego is standing here.
Your sword is glowing blue.

>GET CARMEN SAN DIEGO
You must tell me sometime how to do that to the Carmen San Diego.

>TAKE CARMEN
Which Carmen? The opera or Carmen San Diego?

>SAN DIEGO
Not a fucking chance.

>BASTARD!
Don't brag about your linage.

>YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELLED OF ELDERBERRIES.
Or Jesse Helms'

>DIE!
"Never say die!" -- John-Luc Picard

>THIS SUCKS!
So does your mother.

>KILL CARMEN SAN DIEGO
Your breath won't reach that far.

>GET ALL
Carmen San Diego: Taken.
No Carmen San Diego: Taken.

You won.

Your final score is 10 points out of -2.
This gives you the rank of Rank.

C:\"GAMES"\CARMEN>PARITY ERROR 1. PLEASE RE-BOOT.


Also from Fecal-Soft:
---------------------
Where in Sacramento is Carmen SanDiego?
Where in the Projects is Carmen SanDiego?
Where is the Bitch?

AND COMING SOON!
----------------
Leisure Suit Larry at the Happy Land Social Club!

"No! I said a BUD Light!"
              ---   


* * *  NOW AVAILABLE AT YOUR LOCAL K-MART  * * *

KIBBLES AND TITS!
	 AND TITS!
	AND TITS!

A good meal and a nice pair -- What more could your dog want?


Wholly repulsive and socially unacceptable drek written by:

Mike "Keep on sendin' them foxes!" Beebe

-----
(C) 1990 Yucks For You, Inc.

Comments & Flames to Author:          (Mike Beebe)
                            <spked!sactoh0!smb@ucdavis.edu>
                                           OR
                                <smb@sactoh0.sac.ca.us>

Mailing List Requests: smbancroft@ucdavis.edu (Steven Bancroft)
