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***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
********************PARTS NINETY-ONE TO NINETY-FIVE*************************
     (Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
                 (Send e-mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)

_______________________________________________________________________________
Feverish Toxic Custard


 *     ***  *     *   ***      TOXIC  CUSTARD  WORKSHOP  FILES
****  *     *     *  *         Number  91  -  6th  April  1992
 *    *     *  *  *  ****      Written by Daniel Bowen in a hot sweat with a
  **   ***   ** **   *         blocked dothe and a pretty nasty cough but I'll
                               survive somehow, there's no need to worry too
-------------------------------much, I'll just keep soldiering on with my near-
                                                                              f
If YOU had the spirit of BARRY MANILOW inside you, what would you do?         a
Would you PANIC? NO! You'd call Ralph's Excorcists Ltd. Summon us, 24         t
hours a day, 7 days a week.                                                   a
                                                                              l
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
                                                                              c
This week saw the release of the Urban Survival Handbook, by John             o
Wiseman, retired professional soldier with the SAS and survival               n
instructor. He was inspired to write it after somehow managing to cut         d
his head open on a cupboard door in his kitchen. To aid our readers, we       i
present some short excerpts from the book:                                    t
                                                                              i
- CROSSING THE STREET - Sneak up on the traffic light from behind,            o
preferably undercover of darkness. Remain a short distance from the           n
traffic light until the evil Commie terrorist red man has disappeared         .
and the good green walking man has appeared, then carefully and quietly
make your way across the road, watching for snipers.                          I

- CUPBOARDS - When opening the cupboard, sneak up from behind,                d
preferably undercover of darkness. Grab the cupboard by the handle with       o
your bayonet and pull it open, screaming "Die you commie cupboard             n
mother-fucker!"                                                               '
                                                                              t
- MUGGERS - Always confront muggers in your army greens and SAS beret
whilst equipped with SAS standard issue machine gun and hand grenades.        e
That usually scares the shit out of them.                                     x
                                                                              p
- RELIGION - Always confront religious groups in your army greens and         e
SAS beret whilst equipped with SAS standard issue machine gun and hand        c
grenades. That usually scares the shit out of them.                           t

- VACUUMING THE HOUSE - Sneak up on the dust from behind, preferably          s
undercover of darkness. Your vacuum cleaner is your weapon; use it            y
carefully. Prior entering the dirty room, ensure the hostages have all        m
been released safely.                                                         p
                                                                              a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -       t
                                                                              h
Oh I'm so lost, Lord                                                          y
I'm lost without no hope
I'm lost from the Lord Jesus                                                  f
And I'm lost from the pope                                                    r
                                                                              o
I'm out in the wilderness                                                     m
In the devil's lap
I'm lost in the countryside                                                   y
And I didn't bring a map                                                      o
                                                                              u
Where can I go now
Being lost is no fun                                                          l
I wanna see a priest please!                                                  o
Or a bishop or a nun                                                          t
                                                                              ,
I may have lost my faith
But I haven't lost my thirst                                                  o
Will God try to guide me?                                                     h
Or will the cops find me first?
                                                                              n
Is that a town I see                                                          o
Or a hill or just a shack?                                                    .
Oh, screw the Lord, I just remembered
There's a flare inside my bag                                                 N
                                                                              o
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -       r

POPSICLE                                                                      d
Part Five - "Shaking The Tree"                                                o

Mr Popsicle, of the Australian Royal Security Establishment was rather        I
concerned that the plot was getting entirely lost in his latest
adventure, and that he wasn't being portrayed as the all Australian           e
complete and utter cool guy and HERO that he was. His current case,           x
investigating the theft of a large amount of alcohol from a Police            p
party was particularly boring and dull, so he decided to pep it up a          e
bit by organising a big raid on some guy whose file he'd pulled out of        c
the filing cabinet just for the hell of it. His name was Fergus, but          t
everyone knew him as Fergie, because he had long red hair and was
getting divorced.                                                             c
    Popsicle miscalculated though, and managed to increase to                 a
embarassment level the amounts of liquid in the front of his trousers.        r
In fact, not to linger on this point for too long, he stank to high           d
heaven afterwards, a fact which, understandably, didn't over-please           s
him. Fergus hadn't been expected to put up a fight, so it surprised
Popsicle somewhat when they burst through the door to find a rather           c
large elephant. Fergus had never been known to keep animals - not even        o
a dog or a cat, let alone an elephant. And this elephant was MEAN             n
looking. It had "Fuck off!" tattooed on each of its ears.                     t
    Once Popsicle had regained his dignity, and gained a clean pair of        a
underpants, the questioning began. Fergus was obviously scared,               i
otherwise why keep an elephant for protection? He claimed he was just         n
minding it for some environmentalist friends. After all, he said,             i
elephants have rights too.                                                    n
    To cut a long and boring story short, Popsicle charged Fergus with        g
possession of an offensive elephant, and released him on bail. The
elephant was released into the urban jungle and went on to a successful       h
career on tv chat shows.                                                      u
                                                                              g
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                       e
This has been another long and boring
episode of Toxic Custard. Those of you                                        s
who would like to read some of the long                                       u
and boring back-issues should reply to                                        m
this for details, or send long and                                            s
boring mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                       o
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen. All rights reserved.                         f
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |                                             m
            Melbourne Australia |      3% of signature quotes                 o
   daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au |        contain statistics.                  n
      TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |                                             e
                                                                              y
     *elffins* *rettulps* *hguoc* .nialpmoc t'ndluow I hguohT .ton yletulosbA .

_______________________________________________________________________________
Recycled Toxic Custard


: : : : :  : : : :  :       :  : : : :  : : : :  : : : : TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP
    :      :        :       :  :        :     :        : FILES. Number 92: 13th
    :      :        :       :  : : :    : : : :  : : : : April 1992. Written by
    :      :        :   :   :  :              :  :       Daniel Bowen.
    :      : : : :  : : : : :  :        : : : :  : : : :  - - - - - - - - - - -

I certainly don't want to make any excuses for not being bothered to
write something new for this week, but I couldn't be bothered to write
something new for this week. So instead, out of the archives, here's
the unedited unexpurgated unbleeped uncensored version of my last
article for the student newspaper, the Naked Wasp. See if you can guess
which bits they chopped out.


MONASH UNIVERISTY - CAULFIELD AND FRANKSTON CAMPUSES

A-Z OF SERVICES AND FACILITIES
------------------------------

ACADEMIC DRESS
Academic dress may be hired or bought from the Lost Property Office,
Student Union, Clayton. The faculty colours are:

Arts:                                Positively valid and relevant rose
Business:                            Profitable petunia
Computing & Information Technology:  16-bit standard interface green
Economics, Commerce & Management:    Inflationary committee meeting blue
Education:                           Granny Smith green
Engineering:                         Lager beige
Law:                                 Mercedes white
Medicine:                            Blood red
Professional studies:                Typewriter violet
Science:                             Test-tube chemical explosive primrose


BOOKSHOP
Don't even bother during the first three weeks of term- you'll have to
queue for three days just to buy a pencil.


CLUBS AND SOCIETIES
There is an abundance...? There are an abundance...? There is.. are...
erm.. An abundance of clubs and societies exist at Monash, including:

Interest Clubs-                                                               I
- Get Completely Pissed Every Night of the Year Society                       f
- Fascist Fuckwits Federation
- Theatrical Deep and Meaningful Poets Socially Relevant Society              y
- Jewish Students Society                                                     o
- Palestinian Students Society                                                u
- Arab Terrorists Club
- Arab Moderates Club                                                         t
- United Nations Peacekeeping Force Society                                   h
- Clubbers Club                                                               i
- Cavemans Club                                                               n
- Students for Christ                                                         k
- Students for Brian
- Students for the Devil                                                      I
- Students for No-one in Particular                                           '
- Students Who Aren't Sure Who They're For                                    v
                                                                              e
Sporting Clubs-
- Hitting Little Plastic Things Around Rooms With Metal Things Club           g
- Vomitski                                                                    o
- Water Sports Club                                                           t

Course Clubs-                                                                 t
- Garbology Society                                                           i
- Lecture Skipping Society                                                    m
- Photocopying Notes Society                                                  e
- Exam Cheats Society
                                                                              t
                                                                              o
FEES
If you haven't paid your fees for this year yet, we advise you to do so       w
before we come around and smash your head in. Your fees paid for this         a
publication, by the way.                                                      s
  Other expenditure is-                                                       t
- Recreation $305,886 - We sent the entire student union on a five-week       e
        holiday/mass orgy cruise around the Pacific
- Student Association $97,040 - Oh I forget what this was for. It             d
        doesn't really matter does it?                                        o
- Services $570,368 - A packet of twelve hotdogs and a loaf of bread          i
        for Orientation Week                                                  n
- Administration $363,896 - Five million sheets of paper, two hundred         g
        thousand pens, seventy-three gallons of liquid paper and a
        staple                                                                a
- Union Board $77,000 - A diary for all students, and funds to provide        n
        facilities for the Board to sit around committee meetings             o
        making jokes about bananas                                            t
- Running Costs $148,900 - We hired fifteen top class athletes with           h
        this money!                                                           e
- Assets/Projects $517,412 - Three chairs, a table and a garbage bin in       r
        the student lounge
                                                                              o
                                                                              n
FOOD                                                                          e
There are a number of places on and around campus to eat, but I
wouldn't bother, it's either horrible or exhorbitant. You'll find it          o
cheaper to starve.                                                            f
   Now available - Nestle's Fried Babies In Chocolate!
                                                                              t
                                                                              h
I.D. CARDS                                                                    e
You vill carry your ID card vith you at all times! You vill need it ven       s
ze glorious Fourth Reich sturm-troopers enter ze university and kill          e
all ze communist pinko socialist homosexual leftist teaching staff
scum! Prove zat you are not vone of zis VERMIN!                               s
   --This message brought to you by the Fascist Fuckwits' Federation--        t
                                                                              u
                                                                              p
LECTURES                                                                      i
What are they?                                                                d

                                                                              s
NAKED WASP                                                                    i
'The Naked Wasp', the student and community newspaper is scheduled to         d
appear in little bins all over campus and occasionally and unexpectedly       e
during the year. 'The Naked Wasp' contains such items as dull poetry,         w
unlikely short stories, boring reviews, political and socially trivial        a
issues, music (Music?! How do they make a newspaper musical?! Print           y
sheet music in it?), rotten cartoons, puerile humour and moronic              s
editorials.
                                                                              m
                                                                              e
PARKING                                                                       s
There is sod all parking around Caulfield campus, and we personally           s
hope that your car is smashed to a tiny pulp and deposited in the             a
toilet while you're not looking and it serves you right you                   g
eco-smashing-bastard/bitch, you should have taken the train.                  e
                                                                              s
                                                                              ,
QUEUES
Check out the queues at the photocopiers, the queues during enrolment,        y
the queues to borrow books in the library, queues at the cafeteria,           o
queues to get into lectures, queues to get into exams, queues for             u
computer terminals, queues for this, queues for that, queues, queues,         '
queues, queues, queues and more sodding queues.                               v
                                                                              e

RECYCLING                                                                     g
The Student Union became actively involved in recycling after we heard        o
the name of the bins we're using - "Envirobins". Pretty snappy, eh? How       t
could we resist? The Union also encourages the use of bikes. Oh, that's
cycling, isn't it... sorry.                                                   a
                                                                              n
                                                                              o
SECURITY BUS                                                                  t
Well, okay, so it's a Security Shag wagon, but that doesn't have the          h
same ring to it, does it. Nor does it inspire confidence in those who         e
would be using it.                                                            r

                                                                              t
SEXUAL HARASSMENT                                                             h
The editors of the Naked Wasp would like it to be known that they in no       i
way mind being sexually harassed.                                             n
                                                                              g

SMOKING                                                                       c
There is a total ban on smoking across all Monash campuses. So you            o
smokers can sod off outside and destroy your lungs elsewhere. All             m
smokers who die on campus have their carcasses recycled and are shipped       i
to the Monash Medical Centre for experiments.                                 n
                                                                              g
                                                                              .
VIDEO GAMES
Video games can be found on most PC hard drives around the campus.            I
Oops, we weren't meant to tell you that, were we. Also available are          t
pornographic computer pictures. But we weren't meant to tell you that,        '
either.                                                                       l
                                                                              l

XENOPHOBIA                                                                    b
For those interested, the Fascist Fuckwits Federation are having a            e
meeting next Monday afternoon at 3pm on the lawns near the Green
building. Racist speeches, running around in silly white costumes,            a
cross burning and other intellectual activity will follow.                    l
                                                                              o
                                                                              n
ZERO                                                                          g
The chance you have of finishing your course on time.
                                                                              i
                                                                              n
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There will be no Toxic Custard Workshop Files                                 a
next week. This is because I'm getting married
next Saturday, and I'll have better things to                                 m
do than write this crap for you lot. Read some                                i
back-issues instead. For details on how to get                                n
them, reply to this mail, or write to                                         u
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu                                                           t
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                               e
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen.                                              .
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |  When there's somethin' strange
            Melbourne Australia |  Growin' on your foot
   daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au |  Who you gonna call?
      TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |  WartBusters!

_______________________________________________________________________________
93 Toxic Custards sitting on the wall...

_______   ___             ____   ___     ___
   |     /   \  |     |  |      /   \   /   \      TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
   |    |       |     |  |___   \____|    __/       Number 93 - 27th April 1992
   |    |       |  |  |  |           |      \           Written by Daniel Bowen
___|_____\___/___\/ \/___|______\___/___\___/_**BRIAN SMITH IS MERELY AVERAGE**

POPSICLE  (This is major crap)
Part Six - Paradise Tommorow
                                                                              W
The great Town Hall Police Party Robbery Stabbing Hostage Incident            e
Drama Crisis Inquiry Investigation and accompanying tv series was             l
reaching a climax. Not only were the readers getting entirely and             l
utterly and completely and utterly and entirely and completely and            ,
entirely and utterly and completely and utterly sick of it, but so were
the characters involved. Either it was going to end soon or the author        h
was going to meet a grisly fate in a ditch.                                   e
    Unbeknownst to the Australian Royal Security Establishment                r
taskforce, the thieves were led by Alfredo Cappucino. Cappucino, a            e
well-known Mafia boss and game-show host, had had a grudge against
police for many years, after they so unfairly had arrested him for just       I
a little bit of organised crime. He had formulated his plan. To strike
back at the police the most cruel, mean and nasty way possible. To            a
steal their alcohol.                                                          m
    But Cappucino had not reckoned on the deductive powers of the             ,
investigation leader, Mr Popsicle, and the scientific powers and
passion for leather of forensic expert Doctor "Goose" Wedge. (We won't        b
go into why he was nicknamed Goose at the present moment.)                    a
    Cappucino was now lying low, on a sunbed in a cellar of a small           c
house in a small suburb of the city - somewhere in the vicinity of            k
Holyrood Street in Hampton. The street had been named after an arrogant
priest who had lived in the area in the 1880's.                               a
    Cappucino's two henchmen, Nick and Dennis, and the dog, Pike, were        g
happily playing with their guns one afternoon when they read in the           a
Harold-Fun newspaper that the police were looking for a dog. So they          i
shot theirs, and managed to bluff their way past an RSPCA man by              n
claiming Pike was merely pining.                                              .
    Meanwhile Popsicle, Dr Wedge and the ARSE team were piecing
together clues, including 4 down, 3 across and a really tricky one, 12        D
across. They were confident they'd have the whole thing wrapped up that       i
afternoon, and they'd be able to get back to the case.                        d

    Christ, that'll do. The concluding episode of Popsicle next week.         y
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -       o
                                                                              u
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON...
Easter. Beats me why we need to celebrate Easter. Something to do with        m
Jesus getting crucified and resurrected later, but I fail to see the          i
connection between that and chocolate rabbits. I myself believe that it       s
is a corruption of our language. There is no "Easter Rabbit". It's the        s
Easter Rabbi. Think about it - Jesus was Jewish. Maybe next year the
chocolate manufacturers will figure this out and they'll make chocolate       m
rabbis.                                                                       e
    Of course, then there's the chocolate egg. But saying it's a symbol       ?
of rebirth is just a cover-up. The egg is simply a symbol of birth,
that's all, not RE-birth. Chickens hatch, they don't resurrect. In            H
fact, it's just another corruption of the old myths and legends. They         m
can try to cover it up, but the simple and rather alarming fact is that       m
Jesus was a chicken. God, after all, was a chicken (see TCWF 42), so it       m
figures that Jesus had to be a chicken too. Maybe it's not so much a          .
symbol of birth, but of getting laid? Shalom.                                 .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
                                                                              N
Ten green bottles sitting on the wall                                         e
Ten green bottles sitting on the wall                                         i
And if one green bottle should accidentally fall                              t
There'd be nine green bottles sitting on the wall                             h
                                                                              e
Nine foul drunkards leaning on the bar                                        r
Nine foul drunkards leaning on the bar
And if one foul drunkard should lean a bit too far                            d
There'd be eight foul drunkards leaning on the bar                            i
                                                                              d
Eight loud Christians shouting in the street
Eight loud Christians shouting in the street                                  t
And if one loud Christian should Satan suddenly meet                          h
There'd be seven loud Christians shouting in the street                       e

Seven shuttle astros flying to the stars                                      k
Seven shuttle astros flying to the stars                                      i
And if the fuel tank explodes and the whole thing goes BLAST!                 d
There'd be no shuttle astros flying to the stars
                                                                              s
Six big coppers in a doughnut shop                                            p
Six big coppers in a doughnut shop                                            i
And if one big copper was accidentally shot                                   t
There'd be five big coppers in a doughnut shop                                t
                                                                              i
Five white racists having a rally                                             n
Five white racists having a rally                                             g
And if one moronic racist should fall down a manhole in an alley
There'd be four white racists having a rally                                  o
                                                                              n
Four arts students discussing Berthold Brecht
Four arts students discussing Berthold Brecht                                 m
And if one arts student should get stabbed in the neck                        e
There'd be three arts students discussing Berthold Brecht
                                                                              i
Three airline pilots flying much too far                                      n
Three airline pilots flying much too far
And if one airline pilot should leave the door ajar                           B
There'd be two airline pilots flying much too far                             a
                                                                              l
Two uni lecturers spouting lots of shit                                       l
Two uni lecturers spouting lots of shit                                       a
And if one uni lecturer should have an epileptic fit                          r
There'd be one uni lecturer spouting lots of shit                             a
                                                                              t
One silly reader singing this whole song                                      .
One silly reader singing this whole song
And if that one silly reader should annoy his friends too long
There'd be no silly readers singing this whole song.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That's enough of this crap for another week. More crap
next week. Old crap-issues are available - reply to
this, or send email to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen.
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |  VEGAN'S DINNER NIGHTMARE:
            Melbourne Australia |  Deep-fried dead vegetarian
   daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au |  peaceloving Buddist Aquarius
      TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |  goat supplied by McDonald's.

_______________________________________________________________________________
"Let them eat Toxic Custard"


  TOXIC CUSTARD  .-. . .  Number 94       Written by Daniel Bowen
 WORKSHOP FILES  `-| `-|  4th May 1992    daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au
------------------ | - | ----------------------------------------------

The Dalai Lama - which shaver does he use on his head?                        I
*NEW!* Remington "Dalai". For the spiritual leader in exile who wants
the best shave that prayer can summon. For when stubble is more than          s
just an illusion.                                                             u
    Yes, the 14th Dalai Lama is now touring Australia, and is as always       p
accompanied by his bodyguards, who are at all times vigilant, looking         p
out for deadly Communist kamikaze toadstools which may fling themselves       o
into his mouth.                                                               s
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -       e

BEVERLY HILLS, 90210 - Channel Ten, 7:30 Friday                               y
This week, Caroline realises the extent of her feelings for Paul. Todd        o
and Phoebe's big night doesn't go quite to plan, when they are                u
interrupted by rioters. Brenda reveals that she was one of a group of         '
people who overturned and set fire to Brandon's car, and Paul appears         r
on a news report about people who loot video recorders out of K-Mart.         e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
                                                                              e
POPSICLE                                                                      x
Part Seven - "Soft Ball"                                                      p
                                                                              e
The Australian Royal Security Establishment were closing in fast on the       c
Police Party Alcohol Robbery thieves. And Alfredo Cappucino, the gang         t
leader, knew it in his bones. Perhaps, he thought, he was getting             i
paranoid. And yet, every time he looked out the window, there was a           n
different coloured van parked opposite. Of course, his henchmen, Nick         g
and Dennis, were busy scanning the police radio channels, but the
A.R.S.E taskforce were avoiding police frequencies, and sticking to           t
semaphore.                                                                    h
    Important progress had been made at headquarters that day. They'd         e
finally decided what colour the new wallpaper should be. After all,
they had to get rid of a budget surplus somehow. Meanwhile, the Soggies       u
were preparing to move in on Cappucino's place. The Soggies were a            s
crack(ed) team of highly trained butch commando types, and all as thick       u
as three short planks. They were known as Soggies because they'd do           a
jobs that other cops would come away from with soggy trousers.                l
    While Cappucino, Nick and Dennis were out in their van, the Soggies
took a quick look around the house, identifying and noting the                s
positions of all the possible entry points.                                   h
    "Hey Fred, is this a door?"                                               i
    "Yeah mate, it is. 'Cos it's got the handle thing down there              t
sticking out of it."
    "And you can't see through it, right?"                                    i
    "Right."                                                                  n
    There was a signal from next door, where Cappucino's neighbour had
let Les, former undercover A.R.S.E agent, now overcover A.R.S.E agent,        t
set up camp to watch the place. Les was sending semaphore to the              h
Soggies, telling them to "G E T T H E F U C K O U T T A T H E R E !",         i
so they ran very fast in another direction. The villainous bastards of        s
the story were obviously coming back. They'd been to the park for a
game of soft ball, a curious game they had invented involving bricks          m
and someone else's testicles.                                                 e
    Cappucino arrived back with Nick and Dennis. He had been glad of          s
the short time out of the house. He had just about had enough of              s
hanging around the house with Nick and Dennis, neither of whom had had        a
a wash in three weeks. He was nervous. He was tense. He was stressed.         g
He had a headache. Why not try a Panadol, he thought. Good idea, he           e
replied. Fine, at least it got rid of the headache. There was just the        ?
nerves, tension and stress left to get rid of now.
    Night fell. Then it got up again, darkening the city. The rats out        W
in the streets squeaked as they explored the gutters. The apes were           e
noisy too, as they kicked people out of nightclubs. The pigs were             l
noisy, enthusiastically drove around in their nice cars with the blue         l
and red lights flashing. The elephants in the zoo slept soundly, apart        ,
from the snoring. The elephants, having the biggest noses around, were
as usual keeping everyone else awake.                                         t
    But elsewhere in the city, things were beginning to move. The             h
Soggies, having checked out the target house, were ready to move.             a
They'd brought back a few photos of the backyard, showing some evidence       t
connected with the crime that had given Doc "Goose" Wedge, the                '
taskforce forensic expert, an orgasm all over the lab bench. Mr               s
Popsicle, the taskforce leader, was impatient, and ready to move.
Inspector Jock Unnecessary-Violence, liason between the cops and the          j
A.R.S.E taskforce, was ready to move too. There was nothing he liked          u
more that bursting through doors and shooting, er, apprehending               s
scumbags, er suspects.                                                        t
    So, surrounded by a suitable amount of darkness and gloom, the
Soggies moved in to surround the house. After much agonising and delay,       w
the signal came to move in. They burst through the back and front             h
doors, guns blazing, with shouts of "Police! Don't move, you leech-           a
eating, worm-squashing scum-sucking bastard vermins!" They came out           t
again just as fast when they realised they had the wrong street, and
quickly repositioned outside the correct house.                               y
    Les was listening in on the gang with some rather spiffy equipment        o
he'd seen advertised in a comic he'd found on the train. And it had           u
only cost $15.95 + $4.05 postage and packing. All seemed quiet in the         '
house. Either that or the battery had run down. So he signalled the           r
Soggies to move in.                                                           e
    The Soggies burst through the back and front doors, guns blazing,
with shouts of "Police! Don't move, you leech-eating, worm-squashing          g
scum-sucking bastard vermins!" Nick was in his room, getting a grip on        e
himself when a Soggie burst through his bedroom door, shouting the            t
aforementioned proclaimation. Nick was so surprised and upset by this         t
that he grabbed his nearby gun and shot him. Yeah! One for the people!        i
A point against the system! Take that, pig! [Oh. *sigh*] But luckily,         n
he was wearing a bullet-proof vest. Oh well.                                  g
    So Nick, later described as a "little prick", was taken in, with          .
Dennis and Alfredo Cappucino. Doc Wedge and his team of experts came in
to sift the house for evidence, and Popsicle and the team, after              A
beating, er securing confessions out of the three suspects, decided to        r
celebrate. Something suitable for this great occasion, a great victory        e
for the A.R.S.E.                                                              n
    "Why don't we have", he suggested, "a big party?"                         '
                                                                              t
                                THE END.
                                                                              y
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                  o
That was the final episode of this adventure                                  u
of *Popsicle*! Rotten, wasn't it. If you
want to catch up on his previous thingies,                                    g
you'll probably want the TCWF back-issues!                                    l
For information on their apprehension, reply                                  a
to this, or send mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu                                  d
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                  !
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen.
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |
           Melbourne, Australia |  Oh no, not another funny
   daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au |  signature to write...
TCWF STUFF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |

_______________________________________________________________________________
Happy bouncy Toxic Custard

___  _        _    _   _
 |  |  |   | |_   |_| |_   TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #59 oops 95
 |  |_ |_|_| |     _|  _|   11th May 1992.  Written by Daniel Bowen.
TEXAN COWS WEAR FROCKS!      Thanks to Brian Smith for mediocre ideas. (*)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

NATIONAL SERVICE (*)
Many countries have national service - compulsory for men and/or women        H
of certain ages. This week in TCWF we profile some different countries'       e
national services.                                                            r
                                                                              e
- Australian National Service - Between 18 and 21, all Australian men
are required to undergo training in one of the three services:                w
Crocodile Farming, Beer Drinking and Surf Lifesaving. All men take at         e
least elementary courses in each of the three services, meaning that by
the age of 21, all Australian men are well-rounded people who can save        g
a drowning crocodile while intoxicated.                                       o

- Swedish Tennis Service - Between 18 and 20, all Swedes are required         a
to undergo tennis training in the hope of becoming the top seeds in           g
tennis. (Must be something to do with grass courts.)                          a
                                                                              i
- United States McDonalds Service - Now organised nationally, all             n
American teenagers have to consume a minimum of 100 hamburgers, 50            .
shakes, 200 Cokes and 500,000 french-fries annually for a period of
five years. This was turned into legislation to make more money for           D
fast food chains and pimple ointment companies.                               i
                                                                              d
- British Secret Service - We were unable to find any information about
this. Apparently it's erm.. secret.                                           y
                                                                              o
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -       u

QUICK COOKING FOR CHRISTIANS                                                  k
Take thy evil demonic "Heat'n'Eat" meat pie from its plastic shrink-          n
wrap casket and cast it ... cast it down! Down into the horrific flames       o
of the oven.. for eternity if frozen, 25 minutes if thawed. Can be            w
Microwrathed.
                                                                              t
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -       h
                                                                              a
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON...                                           t
Rock music. I don't know what this crap is the kids listen to today. In
my day it was the boyish good-looks of Tom Jones and honesty of Frank         t
Sinatra. Not necessarily together, mind you. In fact, there was a             h
distinct atmosphere of hostility and untogetherness. And everyone             e
wasn't sleeping with each other back then. At least, if they were, they
weren't telling anyone about it. The sixties put paid to that. So much        a
for decency. These supergroupies, or whatever they call themselves,           v
with loads of popstars getting together and having sex and releasing          e
albums, it's disgusting. Travelling Wilburies? Ought to be banned.            r
Stinks of necrophilia to me. Disgusting.                                      a
    Of course, that's the problem with the young people today. Loud           g
music. Rots their brains. It does, honest. Back in the 50's, you never        e
got young people being aware of their surroundings and marching about
pollution and dead whales and Austudy funding. No. It's a scientific          T
fact that if you let kids know what's going on in the world they want         C
to do something about it.                                                     W
    There's nothing wrong with the world today that a few H-bombs             F
wouldn't put right. Why not, for instance, just nuke the entire third
world. Surely it would put a lot of those poor African starving types         g
out of their misery? And we might finish off a few visiting tv                e
celebrities at the same time. God, don't they make you sick? Nuke 'em.        n
I mean, the greenies whinge on about nuclear winters and stuff, but           e
think about it. A nuclear winter would surely nicely counter-balance          r
the greenhouse effect, wouldn't it? Down a few degrees, up a few              a
degrees... what difference does it make if you don't live in Venice?          t
    Meanwhile, the kids are marching again, wanting to change things.         e
And where is that leading us? I mean, you may say that democracy is           s
where everyone has their say, but you're wrong. That's anarchy that is.
Democracy is where everyone pretends to tell people what to do when           4
their elected, and then the government goes off and does what it bloody       .
well wants. It's worked for years.                                            3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -       c
                                                                              h
MegaBase Version 1.30372 Revision 29C  (c) Software For Psychopaths Ltd       u
                                                                              c
> HELP                                                                        k
                                                                              l
Sorry, no help is available.                                                  e
                                                                              s
> HELP PLEASE                                                                 ,

Despite your impeccable manners, still no help is available.                  1
                                                                              .
> HELP ME PLEASE PLEASE                                                       7

What's the matter with you? This program isn't *that* complex to use.         g
Can't you cope?                                                               u
                                                                              f
> YES                                                                         f
                                                                              a
Hmm. Okay. But try and pull yourself together.                                w
                                                                              s
> I REALLY NEED HELP QUITE BADLY PLEASE PLEASE HELP                           ,

I just don't think you have an adequate brain capacity and mental             a
system to cope with this sort of thing. Why don't you stick to paper?         n
Aborting program.                                                             d

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                5
That's all for another week of This Collapsing                                3
Weekly Farce. TCWF returns even worse next
week. Bet you can't wait! Oh, you can? Okay.                                  l
Anyway, if you want them ol' ramblin' Texan                                   i
Cows Wear Frocks (?!), they're all available,                                 t
pardner. Just point your trusty steed in the                                  r
direction of tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details.                                 e
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                               s
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen.
--                                                                            o
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |  "Liquidity crisis hits sperm bank"         f
           Melbourne, Australia |
   daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au |              Heading, The Sunday Age        v
TCWF STUFF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |                      10/5/92, Page 1        o
                                                                              m
                       c                                                      i
                       o                                                      t
Next week, our medical l investigates the uninvestigatible.                   ?
                       u
                       m
                       n                                         (Scary, eh?)

_______________________________________________________________________________
To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu

--
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen. All rights reserved.
May be copied or reproduced without permission
provided this notice remains intact.
--
         Daniel Francis Bowen            | Remember - jumpers are
 Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
          tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu            | [Toxic Custard Workshop]


