     Over the years, people have criticised Rat, saying that its so
     predictable you could get a computer to write it. Just input
     a formula, something like "x" number of paedophile jokes,
     "y" anti-Erk Anderson digs, a few rude ASCII pictures, toss in
     some quotes and finish the lot off with Decadence's userlist.
     To prove that all these accusations are ridiculous, we did just
     that, and this is what the computer came up with...

===============================================================================

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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                       T H E     R A T      P H I L E S
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                  THE OFFICIAL ANTI-ERK ANDERSON EDITION!

JUNE                                                                       1990
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

        The Rat Philes are now officially unofficiated with anything
          official. The opinions expressed in this file are not
              necessarily those of the authors and editors.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                              Quotes!
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~

   Yes, still people find these things funny...well, here is this month's
   selection of goofups, misquotes and words taken out of all context...

            "It's ready to go, Andrew, put it in."
                                                 - OS9 Mutilate

               "It won't come all the way out!"
                                                 - Inka Princess

                   "No, don't pull it out!"
                                                 - OS9 Mutilate

                      "Put it back in!"
                                                 - Ghost Who Walks

                "No you can't go in there..
            There are already two guys in there!"
                                                 - Inka Princess

                         "Stop it!"
                                                 - Doc

               "If I get off you can get on."
                                                 - Y RUNVS

          "Oh good, now he's off, can I get on ?"
                                                 - General Discomfort

        "It got stuck and he couldn't get it out."
                                                - General Discomfort

       "Cef had to stick his hand in and pull it out."
                                                 - Y RUNVS

               "No, I didn't pull it out."
                                                 - Cefiar

            "No, I lost it the other day"
                                                 -Second Row

    "It's not so comfy now you've puffed this end up."
                                                 - Y RUNVS

            "I think someone blew it."
                                                 -Cefiar

                 "Bend over, please."
                                                 - Y RUNVS

           "Can I have my whip back now?"
                                                 - The Ghost Who Walks

   "Getting a lot of whipping aren't you System."
                                                 - Qwerty

             "Yeah, and I love it!"
                                                - The System

   "Y's tied up and she's not enjoying it any more!"
                                                 - Inki

   "I'm getting molested here and I'm enjoying it!"
                                                 - Y RUNVS

   "The one on the inside of the door works but
        you have to know how to use it."
                                                 - Snowy

           "Lift your leg little girl."
                                                 - Cefiar

  "There's always the wall if he gets desperate."
                                                 - Y RUNVS

         "It doesn't work, I've tried it."
                                                 - Ghosty

              "I don't get it either."
                                                 - Y RUNVS

"I'm not drunk, it's just that they dress me this way."
                                                 - Y RUNVS

"I think I opened my mouth a bit too much that night!"
                                                 - Y RUNVS

"Why can't I say anything without putting my foot in it!"
                                                 - Y RUNVS

         "You know what Inky did before?"
          "She put her hand down my top."
                                                 - Snowy

             "Just crawl under Cef."
                                                 - Qwerty

    "Where are you supposed to put it Ceffles?"
                                                - Y RUNVS

         "Cef's got a wandering finger."
                                                 - Y RUNVS

            "I can't lift my leg up."
                                                 - Y RUNVS

          "There are children present."
                                                 - Y RUNVS

                     "Where?"
                                                 - Ghosty

            "Cef, stop falling off!"
                                                 - Y RUNVS

                 "Stop it Cef!"
                                                 - Ghosty

    "You should see what an experienced person
          can do with a computer cord!"
                                                 - Ghosty

              "Input Stephanie, Input!"
                                                 - Number Five

     "I'm sorry Dave, but I just can't do that."
                                                 - Hal

            "I'm checking on his hair."
                                                 - Y RUNVS

            "Inki, does your pussy bite?"
                                                - Y RUNVS

               "Now, who wants some?"
                                                 - Snowy

               "I fit quite nicely."
                                                 - Y RUNVS

          "Come on Cef, share it around."
                                                 - The System

    "There should be another foot and a half of it!"
                                                 - Inka Princess

   "It does tend to stick up, particularly since I
                just had my hair cut"
                                                 -Rob Judd

              "I'll put that one down."
                                                 - The System

       "You never know what might happen."
                                                 - The System

"Don't stick your tongue out at me when I'm laughing."
                                                 - Y RUNVS

               "I wanna have a go!"
                                                 - Ghosty

      "I've known that one for years but I've
        never known what it meant until now."
                                                 - Ghosty

            "Wait til I get on the bed !"
                                                 - Cefiar

            "I got on easily...twice."
                                                 - Inky

     "You should not go in and out so fast Y,
          it's hard to catch hold of you."
                                                 - Hunter

             "Cef, Close your legs !"
                                                 - Y RUNVS

"Neither does this one..but I know where to put my fingers."
                                                 - Y RUNVS

         "It gets a lot easier as you practise."
                                                 - Y RUNVS

           "I wonder why I've got a headache?"
                                                 - Snowy

        "How can you get pissed on yellow stuff?"
                                                 - Doc

   "Sorry, but we both want to be on top of each other ..."
                                                 - The Dooze

     "Why stop now, just when I am enjoying it ?"
                                                 - End.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                           "Nobody Loves Me."
                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                           Nobody loves me
                           Everybody hates me
                           I think I'll go and
                           Logon to Happy Hacking BBS

                           They call me a geek
                           They call me a nerd
                           And when I go to parties
                           They call me a turd

                           I can't help it
                           I was born this way
                           Girls run when they see me
                           I think I'll turn gay

                           I sent a message to Inka
                           I asked her out with me
                           She said "NO WAY, NERD!"
                           Now I'm so unhappy.

                           Nobody loves me
                           Everybody hates me
                           I think I'll go and
                           Logon to Happy Hacking BB

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                 The A-Z of why I hate Eric Anderson
                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            by Handyman

    a) His name is Eric Anderson.
    b) His initials are E and A.
    c) His board name is Happy Hacking.
    d) His board initials are H and H.
    e) He thinks his board is the best.
    f) He thinks others think his board is the best.
    g) He tries to make others think his board is the best.
    h) His board is not the best.
    i) His and Big Ted's board are regarded as being equal with content.
    j) He logged me off his board today.
    k) He says that Nightmare is "Un-original".
    l) I have seen other boards with pull down menus.
    m) He used to abuse me for no reason.
    n) He put my name in his stupid quote file and therefore
       my name is recorded on Australias' most ****ed board.
    o) He is in a network called ClariNet.
         ['cos he's still looking for a good blow job ? -Ed]
    p) Everytime I try to abuse him he never responds.
    q) When I uploaded Opus he did not delete my account.
    r) When I left abusive messages he did not delete my account.
    s) He thinks he is great.
    t) He thinks others think he is great.
    u) He is not great.
    v) He had users whose name is line noise left in his user list
       even though they logged on a year ago.
    w) When his board crashed it came back on-line.
    x) He is hated throughout the BBS community.
    y) When he leaves bulletins they are eight PAGES long!!
       and you can't abort...  and they mean nothing!!
    z) He is ugly!

  Stand by for list two... Oh and Eric if you're around...
             WILL YOU PLEASE DELETE MY ACCOUNT NOW!!!!!!!!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                   The Bawdy Ballad of Boris the Butcher
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By night, Boris was a big brute employed as a bouncer at the Bounding Bishops,
a brave and bold new bistro somewhere in Bundoora. By day, however, he became
the boring butcher at the Brown Brisket Butchers shop.

On weekends, Boris would buy bags of boiled lollies and other bounteous
bribes, and briskly set off for Bayside suburbs where he would befriend
small boys with his bubbly beneficent nature.

Unbeknown to the little boys, Boris was also a paedophile, and enjoyed
bringing boys back to his Bairnesdale apartment block where he bandaged
them to his bench and covered their beautiful bodies in bar-b-que oil
before beginning a quite strange behaviour. Most brutes who bashed little
boys were beasts, and berating them was the best way to begin. But Boris
had another hobby, he was into bestiality.

It all had begun when Boris, as a little boy, went on a birthday trip
to Ballarat, where on a beef farm he met a bunch of bunny rabbits. The soft
body of the bunny rabbit was just too beguiling for Boris, and he bonked
the beleaguered bunny rabbit until it was bone-dry. Boris gave the bunny
the boot, and bounded after all the other bunny rabbits, as they bore down
their bolt-holes to break away from the beastly boy.

But enough of Boris's background. Right now, Boris had slipped into his
favorite black beaded brassiere, and bent over the boy he was about to break.
Boris began by bringing in his brood of birds, all bound up in brown tape.
Then Boris brought out his broken brolly, a bedpan and an egg beater from
the kitchen. A bullfrog, a bag of bumble bees, and a left-over little
brownie from his last adventure in the Budawangs where he bumped into
a band of girl guides.

The little boy, called Bill, wished to be home by the burning fireplace,
with his big brother beside him, protecting him from all these bad things.

Unbeknown to Boris, Bill's big brother Ben had been following both of them
ever singe Bill stepped into that big black Barina all by himself. Ben
carried a bludgeon to protect him, and burst into the room and bashed
the bad man till he was a blubbering buffoon.

Ben felt much better, and breathed a sigh of relief.

By now you're barracking, for justice has been done. But don't bet on it.
Everybody knows the story of Bill and Ben ... and the sheepskin rugs....

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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                            The Space Pirates

    These are the voyages of StarShip EgoPrise, her unceasing mission:
 to boldly go where no bbs users have gone before, to party till we drop,
              and drink as much VB as we can along the way.

                    Starring in order of egosize...

         Sulu................................General Discomfort (Yuen Ho)
         The Guard...........................Dave Seikel
         Captain Kirk........................Laser Brain (Rob Judd)
         Doctor McCoy........................Doc!
         Lt. Uhura...........................Amy Morris
         Nurse Chapel........................Inka Princess
         Chekov..............................Maelstrom (Boyd Adamson)
         Scotty..............................Lazarus Long (Joseph Elkhorne)
         Mr Spock............................Zodiac Mindwarp (Gordon Walker)
         Starfleet Command...................Plato (Craig Sanders)

         Dalai Erk...........................Erk Ampersand
         Erk Creature Slave..................Galvatron

         Space Pirate #1.....................Super Boy
         Space Pirate #2.....................Handy Man

         And various cameo roles by special guest stars...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Captain's Log:   Stardate 90498.0923.1 (and a bit)

In a routine scan of planets in the Molestera-Minor Region, Mr Spock informed
me that readings from the planet Reknaw were contradictory to our Data Banks.
It was registered as a colonized planet, however Spock's scanners read no
sign of intelligent life. I chose to investigate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(On the Bridge of the EgoPrise, in orbit above the planet Reknaw..)

KIRK: Team, you ready?

SPOCK, DOC, NURSE, CHEKOV : Ready sir!

KIRK: Prepare for beaming down, Sulu.

SULU: Aye, sir.

[FX] phhzzzzzzzzzizzlle!

(The team de-materialise in a flicker of visual line noise.. and reappear
 instants later on the planet's surface....)

UHURA: Captain? Do you read me?

SULU: Problems, Lieutenant ?

(He reaches over her shoulder and presses a few switches on the console.)

SULU: (Urgently) Captain, are you reading us ?

(The only sound emanating from the speaker is a steady hiss of white noise,
 Sulu and Uhura exchange worried glances, but decide they would look better
 wearing their own, and swap back again ....)

SULU: Oh no! The radio circuits have blown! I can't make contact with
      the landing team. Computer, what do I do?

POOTER : My decision making algorithms tell me that you'll have to write
         aprogram in Turbo Pascal to fix it.

SULU : What a mega-awesome idea! And I can put my name in the documentation
       in four places as well! Excellent choice, Computer!

POOTER : Aw, shucks.

SULU : Hey, don't let it to your logic circuits, computer. That's my job!

SULU : (sighing) These 6th generation computers.. I dunno! Who ever thought
       of giving a computer human qualities???

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Down on the planet's surface, the crew encounter a typical low-budget
 sci-fi studio setup, with rubber plants and a backdrop of hazy
 mountain ranges borrowed from the Western filmed last week in the
 same set.)

[FX] Phzzizzzzzlllee!

(The team appear in a haze of sysop-generated line noise.. Spock slowly scans
 the horizon with his tri-corder ...)

KIRK: Are you getting a reading, Spock?

SPOCK: The sensors indicates this planet is inhabited by a race quite familiar
       with modern technology. There is even a super-computer stationed
       nearby.

DOC: Look! Over near those bushes!

(The team spin around, and are greeted by an approaching figure. It is an
 somewhat tall creature, wearing very daggy clothes you would be shocked
 to see on sale in Fosseys. There are funny coloured bits in its hair,
 suggesting the figure has been accidentally electrocuted at some time.)

KIRK: We come in peace!

(Kirk nervously arms his phasor, and the rest of the team do likewise.)

CREATURE: Welcome to my planet, space men!

KIRK: I don't believe it! Spock, you said there wasn't any intelligent life
      down here...!

SPOCK: There isn't, Captain. It's an Erk Creature.

ALL: Argghhhhh!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Meanwhile.. on board the EgoPrise.. the entire bridge is covered with Turbo
 Pascal manuals and miles of printout)

POOTER: Warning! Warning!

SULU: What is it, computer?

POOTER: My danger-sensing memory circuits warn me the away-team are in
        great danger.

SULU: C'mon. You remember the last time that happened?

POOTER: Why, that was important sir! The safety of the entire EgoPrise was
        at stake!

SULU: Computer, the fact that Doc had forgotten to read you a bed-time
      story before shut-down was not a good reason to call for a general
      full armament red alert. Thousands of computers go through life
      without a bed-time story from Doc. And they survive quite well without
      him. In fact, scientists have proven computers have 34% less chance
      of developing manic depression before becoming obsolete if Doc
      doesn't tell them a bed-time story before shut-down.

POOTER: Sorry, sir. I will disregard the warning.

SULU: Hmm.. now where was I with that undocumented feature I was
      working on..

(Sulu goes back to poring over the miles of fanfold printout, muttering
 unintelligibly under his breath ....)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(While Sulu was arguing with the computer, the Erk Creature had led the
 team to am enormous silver city, where they were prepared for an audience
 with the Dalai-Erk, the supreme ruler of Planet Reknaw.)

KIRK: What an unbelievable place, Spock.

SPOCK: Interesting, yes, Captain. How a race of human-like organisms could
       build and maintain such a technologically advanced city, and yet
       not a single one of them possess a brain for intelligent thought?

KIRK: Spock, I feel there is something sinister about all this ..
      Doc, what do you think?

DOC: Huh? Oh- yeah Captain I agree.

KIRK: Doc, what are you up to?

DOC: Just that I've been intrigued by this picture on the wall here.

KIRK: Why, it's of a family. There is father Erk, and father Erk, with ten
      little Erks and the pet Erk-dog. What's so strange about that?

DOC: Spooky, thats all.

(An Erk creature enters the room, wearing a bright red and white shirt and
 matching pants..)

ERK CREATURE: The Dalai-Erk is now ready to see you.

(As the team shuffles into the next room, Kirk pauses to talk with the Erk.)

KIRK: Tell me, Erk Creature, who does your wardrobe?

ERK CREATURE: (impressively) Why, I picked this nice piece out myself from
              a space merchant who visited last week. Merchant Maher he
              calls himself. Did a great deal on a letter box too!

KIRK: Interesting..

KIRK: (aside to Spock) .. What a weird taste in clothes these creatures have !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(In the Audience Hall of the Dalai-Erk.. a large room with an elaborate golden
 throne on a raised dais at one end.)

ERK CREATURE: All hail the Dalai-Erk!

ALL BUT CHEKOV: All hail the Dalai-Erk!

CHEKOV: All hail the Dalai-Jerk!

KIRK: Chekov, your manners!

CHEKOV: (giggling) Sorry, Capt'n.

KIRK: (facing the throne) What an honour it is to be in your humble presence,
      Lord Dalai-Jerk.. ---  I mean Erk!

DALAI-ERK: What brings you here, humans?

KIRK: We have come to study your computer systems, lord. We, as humble
      programmers from another STD zone, wish to learn and benefit from
      your superior computing skills.

[FX] Sluurrp!

DALAI-ERK: So be it! You and your crew are welcome to stay for a period
           of a week to study our systems. And you shall be guests in
           my imperial palace, Camp Many-dung. But only on one condition.

KIRK: What condition is that, lord Erk?

DALAI-ERK: You'll be my friend!

(The Dalai-Erk comes down from his throne and puts his arm around Kirk's
 shoulders. Kirk looks very uncomfortable, but cannot think of a polite way
 to refuse the request.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Captain's Log: Stardate 90498.0923.1 (and a bit more)

We have been studying the computer systems of the Erks for several days now.
We are continually amazed at the skills of the Erks, surely a race as
thick as these could not handle such technology. Chekov reported he was
finding some interesting results in his section. I collected Doc, his Nurse,
and Spock, then proceeded to Chekov's location.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

KIRK: What have you got here, Chekov ?

CHEKOV: Capt'n. I've been examining these printouts, and I think I'm onto
        something.

KIRK: Great, let me smoke it!

CHEKOV: No no.. look.. at this source code. Its not Pascal. Erks can only
        program in Pascal. They're quiche-eating programmers!

KIRK: My God, you're right Chekov ! Spock - what do you make of this?

SPOCK: Hmmm... looks disturbingly like QuickBasic to me.

ALL: Oh no!!! NOT QUICKBASIC!

DOC: There is only one group of programmers I know of who program in
     QuickBasic..

KIRK: Are you thinking what I'm thinking guys??

ALL: The Infamous Contract Programming Space Pirates!!

(Suddenly, a voice from behind makes its presence known..)

SPACE PIRATE #1: That's right !

(The team all turn to see two young men holding phasor rifles and grinning.
 The slightly taller of the two has a bandaged toe poking out of a hole in his
 silver space boot. The other is wearing his underpants on the outside of
 his space suit.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Meanwhile, high above the planet's atmosphere...)

SULU: Now if the user types in this...  we jump to location $FFA0 and forma..

POOTER: Excuse me ... Mr Sulu ... sir ...

SULU: Don't interrupt me now, computer .... I'm much too busy to read you a
      bed time story.

POOTER: Not even the one about the bunny-rabbits ?

SULU: Especially not the one about the bunny rabbits ! One of these days I'm
      gonna have to get Starfleet to overhaul your memory banks.

POOTER: No! Not like last time! It was terrible. I kept thinking I was a
        microbee!

(a moment of transcendental silence)

POOTER: (Sulking) Well, there is this other matter ...

SULU: (Impatiently) What now ?

POOTER: It's the Captain, sir ... he hasn't reported in today ... and his
        communicator isn't responding

SULU: Quick! Call Scotty! I'm gonna have to beam down there..

POOTER: Sco-o-o-tteeeee !

(Sulu gives the main console a rather pained look.)

SULU: No, on the communicator, you dweeb !

POOTER: Sorry !

(A slight crackle and Scotty's voice is heard on the communicator.)

SCOTTY: Och, If I give her any more Capt'n, she'll blow !

SULU: (mumbling) You should be so lucky !

SCOTTY: What was that ? I couldnae read it, your signal is breaking up, sirrh!

SULU: Just beam me down, Scotty. And quit with those corny cliches, OK!

SCOTTY: Sorry, but I canna change the laws of physics ... or the rules of
        the Writer's Guild. You know there has to be at least four corny
        cliches per script !

(Sulu proceeds to the transporter room, and is beamed down to the planet in a
  colourful burst of ANSI line noise.)

SCOTTY: (via communicator) Did ye arrive alright then, sir ? There seemed to be
        a wee bit of line noise on the way ...

SULU: Yes, I'm fine now thanks ... just a slight touch of general discomfort.

(He unholsters his magnum-phasor and stealthily creeps towards the main
 computer complex.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Inside the computer complex, the space pirates are still holding our heroes
 as captives.)

KIRK: Hey, I thought that you space pirates never came into this sector. What
      are you doing here, on a planet full of pascal programmers ?

PIRATE #1: We've come to show them the error of their ways, to teach these
           poor deluded fools the only real language for programming ..

SPOCK: Assembler ?

DOC: Turbo C ?

PIRATE #2: No ! QUICKBASIC

ALL : aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhh!

PIRATE #1: What's wrong with QuickBASIC ?

SPOCK: It's not logical ... no one can program in quickbasic ....

PIRATE #2: Wanna make a bet ?

(Pirate #2 waves his phasor rifle menacingly towards the away-team.)

SPOCK: Ok ! Ok ! So I admit it ! I program in QuickBasic too!

KIRK: What!? Spock!? You traitor!

DOC: Sorry, Capt'n. But I have too. I wrote my adventures in it.

KIRK: Doc, you too?? Ohh noo!

PIRATE #1: You see, Kirk. We will take over the universe with QuickBasic.
           The universe is doomed when we achieve ultimate dominance!

KIRK: Ultimate dominance??

PIRATE #1: Yes, yes! When every copy of all the decent 4GL's are wiped from he
           memory banks of all the universe's computers. Everybody will be
           using QuickBasic. And we'll have ultimate power over everybody!

(Pirate #1 cackles to himself.)

KIRK: You'll never get away with this! Never!

(The away team are hustled off to the system operator's room where they
 are locked in with only old copies of VAX & PDP manuals to read. After
 several hours of this inhuman torture they are marched off and board a
 space shuttle. )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Ignorant to the fate of our heroes at the computer centre, our brave and
 courageous programmer Sulu has reaches the Erk City and requests an
 audience with the Dalai Erk.)

SULU: I demand to know what has happened to my comrades!

ERK CREATURE: I'm sorry, sir, but his highness, the Dalai Erk, cannot
              be seen now.

SULU: Phah! This is a matter of umost urgency! My ego is at stake!

(Sulu, in desperation, pulls out his Magnum-Phasor and places it under
 the nose of the Erk Creature.)

SULU: Look you pungent smelling, slithering little vile excuse for a Vic-20
      with built in 20x20 pixel graphics card... if you don't open those
      doors now I'll blast your proboscis so far into your face that not
      even playing FaceMaker on a Tandy CoCo will repair the damage!

ERK CREATURE: Help! Here - take the key! Take all my keys! Argghhh!

(The Erk Creature runs off, crying "mommieeeee" at the top of his
 weak little Erk Creature voice.

 Sulu storms into the royal chamber, and finds the Dalai Erk slumped in his
 throne, apparently asleep.)

SULU: Your royal Erkness! I must speak with you.

(Strangely, the Dalai Erk does not respond.)

SULU: (worried) Erk?

(Still, no response. Sulu becomes even more worried, in fact more worried than
 any human has ever worried about a Erk creature before. He peers intently at
 the figure. It does not move. Not a single sigh. Sulu steps up onto the
 platform supporting the throne, and examines the situation intently.)

SULU: (mumbling to himself) Why! There is a small button on the side of
      this throne. I wonder what happends if I push it like this..

(Suddenly, the entire platform Sulu is standing on begins to rotate. A gap
 between the throne and the wall begins to widen...)

SULU: AWESOME!!!!! It's a secret room!

(Sulu, in his infinite courage, steps into the hidden room. There he finds
 an array of computer screens, buttons and switches. One particular screen
 shows the view of the room behind him, as if one sat upon the throne..)

SULU: Wow! That Erk Creature isn't actually an Erk creature! It's a machine!
      And controlled by someone from here! How mega-awesome! Totally freakish!

(Sulu is attracted to another video screen. It shows a small rectangular
 room, with some people hovering in the centre. A single figure parades
 around the small crowd, waving what appears a hand-held weapon.)

SULU: Why! It's the Captain. And Spock! And the team! I've got to save them.

(Sulu turns to leave, and is suprised by a figure that has appeared at
 the doorway ... It is a gorgeous young woman, wearing a pin-striped jacket
 and Doc Martens, wavering a sub-automatic phasor rifle menacingly
 in Sulu's direction.)

MR. JORDAN: Not so fast, you meddling fool!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SULU: Jordy, what on earth are you doing on this horrible planet!?

JORDAN: Shut up, and keep walking.

SULU: Where are you taking me?

JORDAN: To my space shuttle. Now move it!

(The couple arrive at the space shuttle station, and board the first
 waiting shuttle. MJ takes the contols, and soon they blast off and
 zoom upwards into the atmosphere.)

(There are several minutes of crystal silence, then Jordy recklessly breaks it
 with a cry of alarm..)

JORDY: What!?!?! Who the F*!& would be flying on the wrong side of the
       air-road!

(She leaps back from the controls, and seconds later the entire shuttle
 explodes into a ball of flame, like a modem experiencing a lightning
 strike.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(In another space shuttle only minutes before the above happenings...)

PIRATE #1: Stay on course, you Happy Hacking user ... you, you Volvo driver!

MCCOY: Dammit, I'm a Doctor, not a chauffeur ! I'm sorry, but this is the
       only way I know to drive!

PIRATE #1: Argh.. look...!! ... let me drive.

MCCOY: No,... no!! Let go of the controls!

PIRATE #1: Arrggghhhhhhh!

MCCOY: We'll crash! We'll crash!

ALL: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhh!

(The shuttle explodes into a rather impressive sphere of slow CGA monitor snow
 as it strikes another shuttle mid air.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Moments later, and several hundred feet below, some figures began to
 emerge from a pile of twisted metal and collapsed concrete..)

CHEKOV: Where are we? And what is this thing I am sitting on ?

JORDAN: (muffled) It's my FACE, you fool !

CHEKOV: (getting up in a hurry) Sorry!

SPOCK: I think one of my ears is bent!

KIRK: Stuff your ears, what about my hair!?

JORDAN: How much do I weigh anyway?

(Space Pirate #1, sensing the disorder of the situation, notices a
 phasor lying amongst the rubble. He grabs it.)

PIRATE #1: Right, you downloaders! Stick your hands up!

(An instant later everybody has their hands raised high in the air, with
 expressions on their faces similar to Captain Blood's when Jordan came
 into his room and caught him in a compromising position with a pair of
 tweezers and a magnifying glass.)

SULU: Who on Alpha Centauri are you!?

PIRATE #1: Why, I'm a space pirate, planning to rule the universe with
           QuickBasic.

ALL: Arrrgghhhhhhh!! Not QuickBasic!!

(As everyone cries out, Jordan quickly gets up and grabs the phasor
 from Pirate #1's grasp.)

JORDAN: Not for long! Because I've been controlling the Erks on this
        planet for ages, through my ingenious contraption called the
        Dalai Erk. The Erks did everything for me! The fools! They even
        copied all of the source code you poor deluded pirates wrote,
        but this time they did it in Logo.

ALL: Arrrrrrggggggggghh!!!! Not LOGO!!!!!

(Suddenly, Nurse Chapel comes out of hiding from a nearby pile of rubble.
 She is wielding a sub-automatic bazooka, stolen from one of Doc's adventures.)

NURSE CHAPEL: Ha! You think you have it all worked out! Pahh!!
              I was onto your little scheme from the start, Jordan!.
              I knew that creature couldn't be the Dalai Erk. It didn't
              give me higher security access, even though I'm female!
              So I checked it out, and found the computer behind the throne.
              And I fixed it, so now I'm going to rule the universe.
              And I'm going to do it with COBOL!

ALL: Aaaaaaarggggggggghh!! Not COBOL!!!

MCCOY: Christine, my dearest nurse. How could you do such a thing?
           Don't you love me anymore?

NURSE CHAPEL: (defiantly) NO ! I love Spock ! He's my hero, my White Knight!

MCCOY: (slowly getting up) But Nurse.. my love.. apple of mine eye...

NURSE CHAPEL: Oh.. Doc.. my sweet love.. my idol and inspiration in life.. I'm
              so confused ....

(Doc McCoy suddenly jumps out of soppy-mode, and lunges for the bazooka which
 he wrenches from her grasp.)

DOC MCCOY: Ha! Sucker! I've got the gun now!

NURSE CHAPEL: Waahhhhhh!!

MCCOY: (to everyone) You're all in for it now! While all you
       silly people were fighting over control of the Erks, I
       was busily logging onto the system remotely from my
       terminal in the sickbay on the Egoprise. And I changed
       the code! So I'm gonna rule the universe! I'm gonna be
       the ruler of the universe! Nyaah nyaaah nee-nyah nyah.
       I'm gonna be the ruler of the universe!

KIRK: (Confused) But.. but... what language will you do it with?

MCCOY: My own script language for writing adventure games. Yes!
       I'm going to use the Generic Adventure Script Preprocessor!

ALL: AgrgrgghhhhH!! G A S P !!

KIRK: Blah! That's what you think, Doc. But little did you know,
      I tapped into your terminal and converted all your code
      into MS-PASCAL to run on my Sirius computer!

ALL: Arrrgghhhhhh!!! Not MS-PASCAL!! Nooooo!!

KIRK: And whats worse! I connected it all up to my 120,000,000,000,000 watt
      laser, and it's pointing at this planet right now. And if you don't
      drop that bazooka, I'll press this button on my tri-corder and
      it'll blow up the entire planet!

(Suddenly, the entire scene is engulfed in a haze of line noise, and each
 and every particle of each person vanishes.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(The gang re-appear in one of the cargo bays of the U.S.S. Egoprise.)

CHEKOV: Where are we?

SPOCK: Would you stop saying that, Chekov! If you haven't got anything
       interesting to add to the plot, just shut up!

CHEKOV: Sorry, big ears.

SPOCK: Hmphhh!

NURSE CHAPEL: I think we're back on the Egoprise.

KIRK: And we're trapped!

PIRATE #1: (looking round) So this is where you guys hang out... this is
           pretty cool !

JORDAN: How can you live in this place ? There is not even a single
        Julian Lennon poster on the wall!

KIRK: (looking round) Somebody is missing....

SULU: I'm here.

PIRATE #2: Same here.

ALL: DOC!!!!!!!

(a speaker high on the wall bursts into life)

SPEAKER: Greetings! It's Doc here. I guess I won and you lost!
         So you better start planning your first adventure game!

SPOCK: No! Never! I'll never write an adventure game in a script language!

KIRK: You can't force us! We will resist anything!

SPEAKER: Anything??

KIRK: (defiantly) Try us!

SPEAKER: (away) Computer, show our guest what might happen to him
         if he doesn't co-operate.

(A panel in the wall nearby begins to glow, and a picture forms. It is
 Kirk, but with very long, red hair, wearing a paisley shirt and  purple
 flares and a purple sheepskin vest)

KIRK: Arggh! No!! I'm never going to have my hair like that again!
      Never! Give me a text editor, quick!

SPOCK: You might have him working for you, Doc, but you ain't gonna get me!

(The picture changes, now it is of Spock as a young Vulcan, and he is
 actually smiling !)

SPOCK: No! No! Rooms! Objects! The lantern only works for twenty moves.
       You can't pick up the rock. Close, but still no banana!

(Slowly the image changes again, and goes through each person's worst fear.
 For Jordan, it is The Cafe going offline. Pirate #1 freaks out when he
 sees Brigitte turn down him in preference to an Erk Creature. Nurse Chapel
 faints when she sees Black Wizard, paging. Sulu sees his name being
 deleted from the Haileybury Honours Board. Pirate #2 sees his BBS utilities
 wiped from Nightmare's hard-disk. Chekov sees himself having a project
 ready before the actual day its due .)

SPEAKER: And so, plebeians, rise and honour the new ruler of the universe!

(Everyone rises, feeling hopeless and dejected.)

SPOCK: Just one question .. how did you get everyone transported up to the ship
       before, and why were you transported to a different place?

SPEAKER: Easy. Kirk threatened to take my life. The ship's computer
         was monitoring the conversation, and as soon as my life
         was in danger it quickly beamed you all up into the ship's
         hold. You see, the computer was afraid that if I was
         killed, then there would nobody left to read it a bed-time
         story. So, I guess I win!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Several weeks later, in an adventure-writing prison camp on the third
 moon of Uranus..)

KIRK: Spock, I've gotta bust outa here. I can't take any more! Rotten food,
      mean guards, Scotty's light-bulb jokes ... I can't take any more !

SPOCK: You can't ! The computer is watching everything we do.

KIRK: Look, I've written this adventure program here..

(Kirk hands Spock a printout..)

   _________________________________________________________
  /o/                                                     /o/\
  |o|                                                     |o|/
  |o|                                                     |o|
  |o|      10  PRINT "Enter your command >";              |o|
  |o|                                                     |o|
  |o|      20  INPUT  A$                                  |o|
  |o|                                                     |o|
  |o|      30  PRINT "I do not know how to do that!"      |o|
  |o|                                                     |o|
  |o|      40  GOTO  10                                   |o|
  |o|                                                     |o|
  |o|                                                     |o|\
  \_\_____________________________________________________\_\/

SPOCK: It will never work, Jim !

KIRK: I'm sure it will. I'll enter it into the computer, and it should
      tie up the system while it tries to find the solution. During that
      time we escape!

(An alarm sounds, and a steady stream of programmers emerge from a
 nearby room. Kirk and Spock join the queue waiting to enter the room,
 and begin their programming shift.)

KIRK: I just type this in here like this ....

SPOCK: I do not wish to alarm you, Captain, but I believe time is of the
       essence.

KIRK: (irritably) Why don't you just say "Hurry up," since that's what
      you mean .... anyway, all I have to do now is type R U N and ...

SPOCK: Hey, look at that load factor! 2378.2 ! We've stuffed the system!
       This is fascinating !

KIRK: Yeahh! Look at the smoke coming from that sucker !

SPOCK: Uh oh! Look - a guard is coming!

(A huge figure approaches, wearing bicycle leathers and brandishing a whip.
 He has the longest fingernails ever seen on a humanoid male, and a
 battered copy of the amiga programmers guide is peeking from his coat pocket.)

GUARD: And what is going on here then ?

KIRK: (disarmingly) oh nothing much.

GUARD: I will have to report this to my contractors..

KIRK: Quick, Spock! The nerve pinch!

SPOCK: No, better! I'll get him with the NERD pinch!

(Spock raises his left hand to the shoulder of the guard, and presses
 gently into his neck. The guard twitches, then collapses to the floor,
 sliding gently into a nice, comforting sleep.)

KIRK: C'mon Spock, let's go rescue the others. Then we've got to stop Doc!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Meanwhile, Doc, the self-proclaimed ruler of the universe, was indulging
 in his own form of escapism ... taking a leisurely spin around the
 solar system in his rocket-Volvo.)

(A red light on the dashboard lights up, and Doc responded by switching
 on the intercom.)

INTERCOM: <crackle> This is Captain Kirk of Starfleet, and you're
          under arrest!

(Doc is unfazed, and switches to hyper-space..)

DOC: Har-har! You won't catch me! Not in that heap of space junk you're
     driving!

INTERCOM: Wanna bet.. this little rocket-Porsche will outrun you anyday!

DOC: Yeah! Try and catch me!

(Doc puts his foot down on the rocket boosters, and shoots off into the
 distance.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Inside Kirk's rocket-Porsche..)

NURSE CHAPEL: After him!

KIRK: No problem...

(Kirk presses down hard on his boosters, and pursues the fleeing Doc.)

CHEKOV: We're gaining, Captain!

SPOCK: Catch him! Catch him!

(The high-speed chase continues through the void of space, until suprisingly
 the rocket-Volvo slows down.)

KIRK: What's that.. on the horizon!

SULU: Why, it's the EgoPrise. He's gonna steal the EgoPrise!

KIRK: No he won't! Sulu, give me your big one..

SULU: Pardon?

KIRK: And Nurse Chapel, I will need both of yours!

NURSE CHAPEL: Why captain, we can talk about that later..

KIRK: No, you fools! I need your communicators! They have dilithium
      power sources in them, and they can help power this rocket-Porsche
      so we go faster!

(Sulu and Nurse Chapel hand over their communicators, and Kirk quickly
 plugs them into his dash board. Lights flicker on and the rocket
 shakes, then accelerates towards Doc and the Egoprise..)

CHEKOV: We're too late! He's gonna make it!

KIRK: As long as we can board the ship before he jumps into warp drive,
      we'll catch him!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Doc is now on the bridge, madly rushing between the consoles in an attempt
 to start the Egoprise. Suddenly the crew, led by Kirk, burst into
 the room..)

KIRK: The game's over, Doctor McCoy!

DOC: You'll never take me alive!

(Doc reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a small black sphere marked
 "BOMB")

DOC: Make one move towards me, and I'll drop this nuclear bomb and blow the
     whole ship to pieces!

(Just then, a stow-away Erk Creature stumbles into the room, crying "Mummy!".
 Doc is momentarily distracted as the creature stumbles against him. The bomb
 flies through the air in a graceful arc. Kirk, siezing the opportunity, lunges
 for the nearest console. He presses the de-materialise button, the bomb is
 transported outside, into the void of outer space.. where it explodes in a
 dazzling display of silent pyrotechnics ....)

THE CREW: Yeaaaaaaaaaaah!

ERK CREATURE: Waaaaaahhhh!

DOC: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Captain's Log, StarDate 182.242.3488 (and lots more I've lost track of)

Finally, peace has been restored to the universe. The evil Space Pirates
together with Mr. Jordan are behind bars on the Penal Colony Alfalfa Centauri,
where they have been sentenced to program the Commodore 64 for 10 years, McCoy
is undergoing psychiatric treatment and should be back to his relatively normal
self in time for the next episode.

Our ship's computer has been refitted with a Cray 78 Model, and apart from a
few odd quirks such as willingness to execute programs written by Sulu,
is doing fine.

The stow-away Erk was taken back to its home planet, and there he was
heralded as a hero, and elected to be the new Dalai Erk. His first rule
was that all females should have higher access on bulletin boards
throughout ErkLand. Sigh, I guess some things never change.

                                          Signing off,
                                                      Captain James T. Kirk

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Suddenly the communicator crackles into life...)

ADMIRAL PLATO: But, but, but .... how come I didn't get any lines ?

KIRK: No buts, anyway, cancer cures smoking ....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                           --==>  The End  <==--

                Stay tuned for next month's exciting episode
              where
we rip off even sillier 60's sci-fi series
            because we're too boring to think up plots ourselves.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

             Ye olde unoriginal-but-we've-got-to-have-'em awards..
             ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Loser of the Month.................................................Erk Anderson
                                                                   (of course!)

Pishpot of the Month...................................................Rob Judd

Commendable Pishpot..................................................Alex Rogan

Romeo & Juliet Of The Month............................Marty Monster (Bwigitte)
                                                          & Super Boy (Bwadlee)

Driver of the Month......................................844 Doveton Bus Driver
                                    (with a top speed of 4 km/h on the flats..)

Drink-Driver of the Month..............................................Rob Judd

"I'm a SysOp!" Award..................................................Baby Soda

"I'm gonna be a SysOp!" Award........................................Eliot Ness

"I used to be a SysOp!" Award.........................................Zero Hour

"I'm trying to be a SysOp!" Award................................The Edge/Ice T

"Pageorrhea" Award..................................Matthew Jeffs/Jeff Matthews

"Am I having a good time yet ?" Award.............................Invisible Man

Telecom Technician of the Month.........................................Bigf00t

"Least Punctuated Messages" Award..........................................Doc

"Most Punctuated Messages" Award..........................................Snowy

White Knight Award..............................................Zodiac Mindwarp

"I'm the Editor so I'm gonna get an Award" Award..................Inka Princess

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

               The Top Ten Worst Psuedonyms of all Time ....
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    We interviewed absolutely no readers of the Rat Philes to produce this
     entirely opinionated rating of the worst ten psueudonyms ever to be
     entered on a bulletin board system in Melbourne. It certainly says
        
     something about bulletin board users in general...

                     1st ...  "Exploding Hamster"

                     2nd ...  "Leperous Baboon"

                     3rd ...  "Flaky Woodsman"

                     4th ...  "Toto's Climax"

                     5th ...  "General Discomfort"

                     6th ...  "Baby Soda"

                     7th ...  "OS9 Mutilate"

                     8th ...  "Farquar Elephant"

                     9th ...  "Azarak Digris"

                    10th ...  "Eric Anderson"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Call these boards because we're the sysops.
               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Decadence BBS...............794-7949......24hrs......Home of D.R.S.
Nightmare BBS...............560-7386......24hrs......DragNet Host & Games
The Cafe 4 line TBBS........894-2815......24hrs......Files & Conference
Phase V BBS.................803-6976......24hrs......Clubbers, Bunnies
Lightning BBS...............399-1030......24hrs......Support a newie!
Millenium BBS...............720-1483......24hrs......With WoofNet..
The CrossOver BBS...........364-1282......24hrs......The Old Tortoise Lives..
TimeScape BBS...............561-5217......24hrs......Messages Unlimited.

   If you're a sysop, and run a great board, have you considered joining
   DragNet? You can download DRAGNET.LZH from Decadence BBS's text phile
    area and it has everything you need to know about becoming a part of
         Australia's fastest growing alternative to FidoNet.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

       Credits and the Golly-gosh-they-put-my-name-in-the-list List.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Contributors:

Inka Princess, Doc, Handyman, Super Boy, Cefiar, Y RUNVS, Snowy, Rob Judd,
Dave Seikel, and lots of really helpful supportive stuff off the net...


Other people who turn up to the parties for the free alcohol:

Ben Richards, Lachlan Maher, General Discomfort, Boyd Adamson, Joseph Elkhorne
(& Barbara), Gordon Walker, Alex Rogan, The Walrus, Ivan Trotsky, Big Bad John,
Mr Jordan, Captain Blood, Psychosonic Cindy, New Wave (& Jackal), RAD!, Ghost
Who Walks, anybody left in the Evil Angels, Night Stalker, Janine and Lash,
Avalon, The System, Spectre, Black Wizard (& ya brother), Hunter, Gnomie,
Psycho Felix, Eliot Ness, Baby Soda, Zero Hour, Defcon One & Pennywise, Ice Man
(& Lisa), Infiltrator, Neg, Rad and all that lot, all the DragNet sysop's I've
forgotten, anybody who turned up to a party and is gonna get cut with me if I
forget their names, and everybody else who reckons they oughta be here and
plans to break my fingers if I forget 'em. Oh and you too, Brigitte, Marty
Monster, Yahoo Serious and whoever else you are. And not forgetting Bruce Wayne
(Miracle Max), Quantum Leap, Garet Jax, and Jaymes, but only if he's still
going out with Brigitte. Razor get your arse into gear how can you be a DragNet
sysop and never show your face in public. Who could forget Grasshopper and
Oing. Are you two married yet? And anybody who called the CrossOver years ago,
Syn, Robert Woolley, Shaz, Natalia. All ten users of the Bug Factory (long live
TBF!). Exploding Hamster. The Archimedes and Bit Blaster. Kevin Lu. (This guy
said he had muscles. Ha!) Chinh. Hey what about Citadel users, like Mike Lewis,
Pug, JennI, Darren esq., Wombat. And Hagar's Longboat. Remember Yabbie Pump? He
runs a board called The Lit... The Outsider, The Brigadier, Danger Mouse. Shit,
hang on, I've never met half those people. What am I saying. Look, if you think
your name should be here, put it here, and if you don't know what the fuck this
is all about, then don't. Simple! Even a Commodore 64 user could work it out.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                           o
                          | |
                          | | _  ,-.,-.  ,-.,-.
                         |  `'|  ||_||___||_||
                         | @   |_|  |       | \
                        / ___,-,              _\.__
                        \/     `.____________/     `.__.--.__.--'

                         The Dead Rat Society Lives

===============================================================================

     See, I told you so! Who would even dream that it was possible?
     No computer could write a rat Phile... never! Blah! Critics,
     the lot of ya!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

