
 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
   ooooo   ooooo  .oooooo.  oooooooooooo       HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #694
   `888'   `888' d8P'  `Y8b `888'     `8
    888     888 888      888 888                      "Dubuque"
    888ooooo888 888      888 888oooo8
    888     888 888      888 888    "              by Big Daddy Bill
    888     888 `88b    d88' 888       o               6/18/99
   o888o   o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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        Well, well, well... I've waited a long time to do this.  I finally get
 to make fun of my hometown, Dubuque, and I even get a grade on it.  This is
 sweet.

	Once upon a time, this French guy was boating along the river called
 the Mississippi.  He then came across a bunch of stupid Indians, lit the
 water on fire and made them worship him.  This French guy's name was Julien
 Dubuque.  So he made all the stupid Indians build crap for him, like
 buildings, and when Julien died they made a monument on top of this cliff--
 but not before he invited all his French friends over.  So they built this
 town from Indian structures, and then all the French people died or
 something because there are only a handful of French people in this town
 nowadays, thank God.

	All these white southerners said, "Gee golly!  It shure iz hot up
 here," and started mindlessly wandering up north, where they found all the
 Frenchmen sweating away building the town.  The southerners approached and
 said, "Y'all got some land?", and the French people said, "It will cost you
 mo-nay."  So the southerners gave them a horse and it was settled.  But then
 the southerners started having kids, and soon the town was massive, and
 nobody was French anymore, but they were stupid.  Then the industry boomed,
 we hired a bunch of lazy cops, and here we are today... once French, now
 mid-western-southern.

	As much as I hate this town, which is based on old people mind you, I
 cannot help but think that it is a good place to raise a family.  The crime
 rate is proportionately low, compared to other small cities, and there are
 plenty of McDonald's and other fast food restaurants to feed our need to be
 fat where teenagers can work, if you can crush their pride enough.

	But the simple fact remains that this town bites, and there is
 absolutely nothing to do here except go to the mall and shop for clothing
 and eat.  At least you can always eat.

	I've lived here for 80% of my life, and I still don't know where most
 of the main streets are.  And why is our name so freaking unpronounceable?
 Dubuque, sounds like Da-puke or Da-buke.  Why does everyone think Dubuque is
 in Jersey, anyway?

	The citizens are absolutely, mind-numbingly stupid.  I can't stand
 the way people drive.  And what is with all the freaks and psychos that roam
 the streets?  Just yesterday, my mother and I were sitting in the car down
 on Main Street when a man walked in front of us, stopped and listened for a
 few seconds, then pointed at our car and started screaming.  He then turned
 and walked away, like nothing ever happened.  Just go down to Main Street
 sometime and sit for a few minutes.  Or better yet, take our fine public
 transportation system for one hour.  You'll be amazed.

	Speaking of busses, the passengers aren't the only ones who are
 oddities of nature.  I had a bus driver one time make a simple comment on
 the weather, pick up a Styrofoam cup, and started choking and hacking on his
 own spit until he splurted it out into the cup, where he set it down and
 started talking about the Super Bowl.

	I was scared.

	I can say this town sucks, and that nothing is ever going to develop
 here, but at least there aren't very many murderers... that the cops know
 about.  Or whatever.  God, I hate this town.

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 [ (c)!LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #694-WRITTEN BY: BIG DADDY BILL-6/18/99 ]
