BTN:  Birmingham Telecommunications News
COPYRIGHT 1991            ISSN 1055-4548

July 1991    Volume 4, Issue 7

Table Of Contents
-----------------
Article Title                                  Author

Policy Statement and Disclaimer................Staff
Publisher's Corner.............................Mark Maisel
Editorial:  My Reflections of Alabamy..........Raymond Hugh
Sid Meets Comdex...............................Sid Browning
Reflections On A BTN Party.....................Eric Hunt
My First BTN Party.............................Erica Sullivan
Yet Another BTN Party Questionnaire............Colby Gibson
The Adventures of R.G. Strangemind & Herbert...Jeremy Lewis
Windows Review:  BackMenu 2.2..................Eric Hunt
Notes From The Trenches........................Dean Costello
If Cavemen had Clubs, Why Don't We?............Bryan Taylor
ProFile: Pete Mohney...........................Chris Mohney
Special Interest Groups (SIGs).................Barry Bowden
Known BBS Numbers..............................Staff

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Disclaimer and Statement of Policy for BTN

We at BTN try our best to assure the accuracy of articles and
information in our publication.  We assume no responsibility for damage
due to errors, omissions, etc.  The liability, if any for BTN, its
editors and writers, for damages relating to any errors or omissions,
etc., shall be limited to the cost of a one year subscription to BTN,
even if BTN, its editors or writers have been advised of the likelihood
of such damages occurring.

With the conclusion of that nasty business, we can get on with our
policy for publication and reproduction of BTN articles.  We publish
monthly with a deadline of the fifteenth of the month prior to
publication.  If you wish to submit an article, you may do so at any
time but bear in mind the deadline if you wish for your work to appear
in a particular issue.  It is not our purpose to slander or otherwise
harm a person or reputation and we accept no responsibility for the
content of the articles prepared by our writers.  Our writers own their
work and it is protected by copyright.  We allow reprinting of articles
from BTN with only a few restrictions.  The author may object to a
reprint, in which case he will specify in the content of his article.
Otherwise, please feel free to reproduce any article from BTN as long as
the source, BTN, is specified, and as long as the author's name and the
article's original title are retained.  If you use one of our articles,
please forward a copy of your publication to:

Mark Maisel
Editor, BTN
221 Chestnut St.
BHM, AL 35210-3219
(205)-956-0176

We thank you for taking the time to read our offering and we hope that
you like it.  We also reserve the right to have a good time while doing
all of this and not get too serious about it.

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         F R E E B I E :  G E T  I T  W H I L E  I T S  H O T !

The following boards allow BTN to be downloaded freely, that is with no
charge to any existing upload/download ratios.

The Connection          LZ Birmingham           Alter-Ego
Channel 8250            Little Kingdom          Joker's Castle
Crunchy Frog            Myth Drannor            Posys BBS
The Matrix              Abject Poverty          The Bus
The Outer Limits        Bloom County            The Round Table
DC Info Exchange        Radio Free Troad        Programmers Shack
Amiga Alliance ][       DataLynx                Martyrdom Again?!

If you are a sysop and you allow BTN to be downloaded freely, please let
me know via EZNet so that I can post your board as a free BTN
distributor.  Thanks.  MM

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                           N E W S  F L A S H

        Crunchy Frog recently added a second node to
        accomodate the many weirdos who call it.  As if that
        wasn't enough for Monty, the insane sysop, she
        purchased a second US Robotics Dual Standard modem
        for the line.  She asked me to let you all know here
        so please let her know I've complied.  The number
        for the second node is 956-0073.

        There will be something going on the weekend of July
        20th-21st.  I am not certain as to what as yet but it
        will be announced in EZNet if it comes to pass as a
        public event.

        There is a new service offer on The MATRIX these days.
        If you have any photos or have need of video scanning
        services, then you need look no further than The MATRIX
        Scanner.  Details may be found in Conference 60 on The
        MATRIX.

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Publisher's Corner
by Mark Maisel

     The June party seemed a complete success.  Many new folks and lots
of old friends gathered 'round and had a grand time.  Many thanks to
Rocky for furnishing his house as the party site.  City Stages was only
a few blocks away and many shuttled back and forth between the party and
the concerts.  Unless some unforseen setback occurs, I will schedule the
next party for sometime in August prior to the return of the kiddies to
school.

     This issue has come together quite nicely.  Chris was finally
nailed down to produce a ProFile.  Pat him on the head when next you see
him.  I remember a time when I had to really press to get post-party
articles.  You will see that this was definitely not the case, this time
around.  Maybe I should wait six months between parties more often.  We
have a supply of articles this time on the matter.  We have a first
timer's view of the Spring Comdex that you'll certainly find amusing,
especially if you are or have been an attendee yourself.  RayHugh, a New
Yawk ByteBrother who seems to have taken a liking to Crunchy Frog, and
Dixieland in general, has provided us with a brief accounting of his
love for our part of the world.  I talked Raymond into coming down to
Comdex which he did.  He liked the South so much that he is coming back
for more in the middle of July.  If you have any special comments you'd
like to share with him, in regards to his article, let me know.  The
line forms to the left.  Bryan Taylor presents a rather novel idea that
I think you should consider, so look at what he has to say, and leave
him a message about it in EZNet.  Jeremy Lewis is still at it in his
delightful serial.  It has more plot twists than anything I've ever
seen.  I haven't the slightest idea how it is going to go from month to
month.  It is very curious and worthy of your attention.  I've got my
team of reviewers hard at it.  Eric "Windows Are Wonderful" Hunt is full
of excitement because of all the software becoming available for
Windows.  If you have an interest, he is definitely a good source of
information.  Dean is still with us, in text.  I think this month is
probably the best piece of work from him that I've ever seen.  He has
managed to emulate his idol without aping him.  Good stuff!

     I really don't have much to say after all of that.  I hope you
enjoy the issue and that you'll feel compelled to write some articles of
your own once you finish reading it.  You people out there are what make
BTN.  I only collect and marginally edit the stuff.  I have had some
committments, some from afar, Sandy, and I am hoping to share new names
and ideas with you all very soon.

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Editorial

My Impressions of Alabamy
by Raymond Hugh

     I was down in Atlanta with the Maisels at the end of May for
Comdex. For those of you who don't know, I'm from New York, so when the
Maisels invited me to visit, I figured, what the hell, I might as well
see what Birmingham has to offer.

Lemme tell you what I think of the experience:  it was b
                                                        o
                                                         r
                                                          i
                                                           n
                                                            g
                                                             !

     I knew I was in trouble when we hit the state line, and I started
getting drowsy.  There was something in the air that just would not let
me stay awake.  Maybe it had something to do with the endless road and
the trees at the side of it.  So, for the next hour and a half, all I
saw was the back of my eyelids, green trees, overcast sky, the back of
my eyelids, and nothing on the horizon.  Oh, did I mention I saw the
back of my eyelids?

     "Did you say something, Mark?  Yeah, 'bama's a great
pla...zzzzzz..."

     The only redeeming feature were the people I met while I was there.
They were a motley crew, to say the least:

           Sarah, the endless flirt, who is definitely her
                  mother's daughter
           Dirty Vicar, the wimp of a sub-sysop who catered
                  to the whining during the Maisels' absence
           The Unknown Kamakazi Driver (sorry, I can't bring
                  myself to give out this person's name, even
                  though this person is not the Frog; you guys
                  will have to fend for yourself)  Hey, bub, I
                  hope you get your license soon; I've got mine!
           The One-Eyed Cat and its evil twin
           And, of course, the Whippets

     OK, so the last two were not people.  I had to throw them in since
they added to the 'experience' of Alabamy.  Oh, I almost forgot the
other redeeming feature to Birmingham:  I did not see any streets named
Peachtree or Dunwoody!  Thank heavens for small favors..

     I tried my darnedest to become Mark's Bestest Buddy, but I knew I
wouldn't be able to do it, since I don't live in the area.  However, I
gave it my best shot.  I'm not sure how much I succeeded, though. I did
come away with some software, though, which saves me the trouble of
downloading the files.  He even gave me a preview of the next victims of
Blackmails 'R Us.

     I also succeeded in convincing Mark to come up to New York for a
baby computer show.  At least he was planning to come, until Kathy's car
overheated in sympathy with her feelings about Bundy's doings in the
Main Base.  Sorry, Dean, I tried, but I doubt I'll be kicking you off
the top of the Mark's Bestest Buddy mountain any time soon, and I don't
think I'll be going to too many BTN parties.

     So what did I think of my trip to Alabamy?  It's a New York wannabe
town, with its very own replica of the Statue of Liberty.  The drivers
are damned impatient Southerners.  I got first-hand experience with that
when Mark was chaffeuring me around during Comdex.  And they say New
Yorkers are always in a hurry!  Yeah, I think I'll have to come back
down sometime to straighten you guys out.  But change the air first,
will ya?

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Sid Meets Comdex
by Sid Browning

     As the meeting wrapped up, my boss casually mentioned that he would
not be see me the following morning because he was going to Comdex.  One
of our suppliers had given him some tickets and he needed to talk with
several people who would be there.
  
     "Wow! Comdex? Really?  That will be great! Put me on some mailing
lists while you're there."

     He kind of studied me for a moment and said, "Would you like to go
with me? I have an extra ticket."

     Pretending to be calm, I made a few remarks about the next day's
busy agenda.  An agenda we had just finished discussing and planning a
few minutes earlier.  "If you don't mind putting a one-day delay in the
schedule, I could come along for the ride."

     So there I was in Atlanta on Thursday, the final day of Comdex.  I
had always read about the Comdex show, but never managed to attend one.
It seemed as if the registration process was going to take forever.
Actually it only took about 20 minutes, but that was 20 minutes that I
could have put to better use by looking at the exhibits.  At
registration I was given one of those plastic cards, similar to a credit
card, with my name and other information in raised letters.  It seemed
like a lot of trouble for name tags, but much better than the old
standard, "Hello, my name is...."

     Following the crowd into the exhibition hall we prepared to be
impressed with the size of the show, the incredible number of companies
represented, how it would compare to a high-tech Mexican tourist market
with vendors hawking their wares to cynical tourists.  But we were
quickly disappointed.  It looked as if the whole show was only slightly
bigger than the Birmingham Home show.  Sure it was kind of large, but
was this the Comdex I had read about?  Oh well, at least it would be
easy to see in the one day we had left.  (Yeah, Right.)

     Getting through the doors was a hassle because idiots in the crowd
all had to stop just inside the doorway to discuss something,
effectively blocking entrance to those behind. Glaring at the idiots,
and walking between them to show that they were blocking our way, we
made it through the doorways.  And then we immediately stopped to
discuss the best strategy to seeing the show.  People glared at us and
walked between us.

     I don't remember the name of the first company we talked to, but
the girl explained what they did in great detail.  I wasn't really
listening; I was more interested in getting her yo-yos. It seemed quite
important at the time to have one of those free yo- yos, but I have no
idea where the thing is now.  It was a yo-yo made from recycled plastic
with the company's name on the side. I'm alway's a sucker for free
knick-knacks.

     After that, we decided to only go for the free knick-knacks if we
could get them sans the free, long product explanation. Some of the
exhibitors reminded me of those boring museum information systems where
you walk up to an exhibit, push a button, and listen to a recorded
explanation.  Seriously, some of these people would not bother to ask if
you had any interest in or use for there product whatsoever.  They would
just launch into a detailed explanation/sales pitch.

     We also discovered why we were given the plastic name card with
raised letters.  To be placed on a mailing list, you simply had to hand
over your card and have it run through a credit card imprinter.  What a
great idea!  It also made for a few jokes.
  
     "How do you want to pay for this?"

     "Here, put it on my Comdex Charge."

     The exhibitors never seemed as amused with that joke as I was.  Oh
well.

     I used the card to get on as many mailing lists as possible, and
have received a lot of mail since the show as a result.  Wall Data even
sent me a demo copy of Rumba 400, which is a PC to Host connection for
Windows.  If I liked Windows, it would probably not be a bad way to
connect to an IBM 3270.  I also got a peek at the new 20Mb floppy
drives.  Once the price drops, those drives will be a great way for
selectively backing up a hard drive.

     Some products seemed great.  I was highly impressed with some of
the graphic workstations.  Others, such as the EAZY Black Box Company,
had products to sell which were worth a quick look and examination at
their booth, but I wouldn't spend real money on them.  This firm had a
text to speech device which could read marked blocks of text in an ASCII
file.  If you knew what it was reading already, you could almost
understand the computer speech. Fun for a few minutes, but not long.

     The "most interesting T-Shirt" award would have to go to Berkeley
systems.  Unfortunately, the would only give them away for free if you
gave them $11.  The front of the shirts had toasters with wings flying
past and the logo said, "51st flying toaster squadron."  It was a
graphic from one of their software products called "After Dark," a
screen blanker designed to work with Windows.
 
     "Most useless product" award goes to GMT Automation.  This firm
makes plastic reference charts for popular software programs such as
WordPerfect, Lotus and Dbase.  The problem is that the charts would only
help a user who is completely unfamiliar with the software.  Its only
help is in pointing out what the menus already show, without any
explanation.  The chart for WordPerfect, for example, has a block marked
"help."  The instructions therein tell the user to press "F3."  I don't
use that program and so I didn't know that was how you found help, but
if I were to use WordPerfect I would know where to find help without
consulting any charts or manuals.  The company did give us some free
samples of their charts though.

     Nearing lunch time, we had a problem.  We had seen pretty much all
of the booths, but we couldn't find Covox or WordPerfect.  Covox is one
of our suppliers and we needed to get some technical information on
their new voice boards. WordPerfect was giving away some neat hats and I
wanted one.  We finally asked somone if they had seen Covox anywhere.
He pulled out a very handy reference book, which we didn't have, and
said they were in booth 1901.  This was the first we had seen or heard
of this Comdex reference book.  Why didn't we have one too?  We asked at
an information booth for a book and they told us that we should have
been given one at registration.  We asked at the registration area and
were told that no more books were available.  More people were in
attendance than the organizers expected so not enough books were
printed.
  
     At least we had found the location of Covox, so we went searching
for booth 1901.  It was pretty easy to locate booths because the aisles
were numbered and each booth had its number on the floor in front.
Unfortunately, it appeared that the aisles weren't numbered below 2400.
Aisle 1900 didn't exist.  That was when we discovered the rest of
Comdex.  We had only found one exhibition hall.
  
     By locating the other exhibition hall, the size of Comdex
effectively doubled for us, and became impossible to see in one day.
 
     One of the most interesting products I saw was from Covox, once we
found them.  Voicemaster Key is a board which retails for $150, and
allows the user to set up a voice menu of commands. The demonstration
consisted of a user saying "computer."  The computer would respond in a
voice similar to the Dominoe's Pizza Noid.  The demonstrator would then
say, "show more respect." And the computer would reply, in Spock's
voice, "Yes captain."  The user could ask the computer to bring up
Lotus, and Lotus would appear.  My boss kept making remarks about its
limitations and misinterpretations.  Then I noticed that the microphone
headset looked exactly like one that I have.  "Do we get those headsets
from Covox?" I asked him.
  
     He looked at me like I was a fool and said, "Yeah.  One comes with
each Voicemaster Key.  Watch what he's typing and you'll recognize some
of the commands."
  
     How was I to know that one of those things was buried inside our
systems?  We don't use it for the purpose for which its designed, so I
assumed it was a different product.

     We eventually managed to get hats from WordPerfect also. They would
only give away hats to people who sat through a seminar, which isn't how
we wanted to spend our time.  After the show closed, they did have a few
extras and were willing to part with them.

     How can Comdex be done better?  I would suggest spending more than
one day.  Without attending the first conference, the show could easily
take two days of your time.  Also, find a show book upon arrival.  It
helps to know where you are in relation to everything.  We did find that
same information in the Comdex newspaper, of which we had copies.  But
that was one of those things that we stuffed into a bag to examine
later.  Parking costs $1 more on the street than valet parking next
door, not counting the valet's tip.  The valets seem to get stressed if
you ask them to bring your car around, then you throw a bunch of
brochures and stuff into the car and tell them to put it away again.

     So who wants to go next year?

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Reflections on a BTN party
by Eric Hunt

     School's out, summer's here, what a better time to have a BTN
party? The inaugural party of summer 1991 was a definite hit with all
who attended. Trouble is, I didn't know HALF of the people that DID
attend. Man, give people some advance notice, and they start coming out
of the woodwork. Rocky's house on Southside was a virtual beehive of
conversation and good fun until a rumored 5:30a.m. City Stages only
added to the atmosphere, what with people coming and going to the event
all during the night.

     Attendees were too numerous to count, but Colby Gibson had 50
questionaires, and ran out of them, so take that as an indication. Most
noteable of noteables was the en-masse arrival of the Sullivans:
Wessley, Patsy, Erica, and Shane. They all came a-walkin' down the
street as a nice family unit. (alas, NOT singing
doo-wa-ditty-ditty-dum-ditty-do) The Sullivan's were in and out during
the night, attending City Stages as well. Another noteable, yet not
noteable was the perennial attendance of Kevin Buchan, from Atlanta.
Kevin converses regularly with many Birminghamians in the Metronet
NetChat conference over on Channel 8250. Some other new faces, including
the Deermans, and some guy who's only been here a week from Mobile. An
interesting crowd.

     Events taking place varied from the hum drum to the insanely
bizzare. The Matrix room was a virtual beehive of activity all night.
Fortunately, it kept most of the pre-pubescent munchkins happily
occupied most of the time. There were three other computers in the room,
besides the 7 computers that comprise The Matrix, and all three were
being used as game machines. Ricky Eanes was gang-chatted with, and Tom
even got to lock a user out or two. (Really!) On the more unusual front,
Richard Foshee was spotted embracing Maggie, although the motive has yet
to be determined. On the REALLY unusual front was the drink of the
evening! What some likened to Windex, others called the Tidybowl Man mix
from hell. (I personally thought it was another communist plot from the
Smurfs, but, hey, I don't drink).  Whatever it was called, it was sure
strange. Rumour had it that it would clean any sinuses PERMANENTLY if
inhaled too deeply. Still, there were quite a few imbibing this noxious
looking blue substance. To each his own, I suppose. Another event that
bears mention was the opressing heat during the start of the party. Poor
Rocky's house wasn't used to having that many people in it, and before
the night cooled things off, it was DAMN hot for a while. The porch was
a seat of activity during this time, as it was the only place where one
could escape the heat. And speaking of the porch, it was touch and go
with the railing on one side, and I wasn't too sure of the entire
shebang, even though Rocky kept assuring us that it was very stable. The
sheer # of people resting upon the porch and it's associated railings
had me worried.

     Omega was disappointed. Someone stole Rocky's CD player, so many of
the dance tunes that Mark brought were unplayable. Still, 90's style
disco COULD be heard, and I even witnessed Mark dance for us. On another
front, Maggie was her usual charming self, and she had Lurch on her
coattails most of the night to prove it. Lurch was a definite hit with
many of the ladies that night, if only for his sense of mystery. He's
doing SOMETHING right. Jet Thomas also graced us with his presence, and
not soon after seeing Jet, I spotted the bagful of sickly sweet Brach's
candies. Unfortunately, I have *yet* to see Jet bouncing off the
ceilings, as has been alleged several times. The Pasty Slug did the
Maisels a favor and kidnapped Sarah off to City Stages for a greater
part of the evening. And Tyros was very fashionable, sporting a full
three-year collection of the City Stages buttons. He was quite a hit at
the actual event, from what I hear. And finally, there was a poor
insurance salesman (sorry, I've already lost your card) that really
needed DOS classes bad. I hope Kathy and I got you started on SOME kind
of foot, you did have me worried there for a while (I almost think he's
one of those people who stick everything in the root, although I'm not
entirely sure)

     Sysops, Sysops, Sysops everywhere! There were quite a few in
attendance, which always makes for an interesting get together. Let's
see. Randy Hilliard, Monty (Kathy Maisel), Rocky (the gracious host for
the evening), Tom Egan (The evening's evil Nazi), Maggie and Lee, Ricky
Morgan and his sidekick Joe Kearley, Kelly Rosato, Mark Kieskowski
(sorry, Mark), Richard Foshee, and several others whose names I cannot
remember right now. It was a good thing if you were nice and sweet to
these people, they have wonderful memories of nights like this and
brown-nosing users like yourselves. It is nice, though, to be able to
pick on your favorite sysop (Right, Maggie? [wink]) Most of the
abovementioned people had significant others in tow, which tends to
REALLY liven things up.

     Well, as for my report on this party, it seems over. I apologize to
all of you out-of-towners who might be reading this (In Scotland,
perhaps?) and not have the faintest idea in hell what I'm babbling
about. It's one of those "You should've been there" things. [Hint, hint,
Shafer and Rayhue]

     All I can say is, until the madness begins again!

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My First BTN Party
by Erica Sullivan
 
     Well, to begin with we got lost several times.  Then, we had to
talk Patsy into  going to the party.  She was refusing to go to the
party.  After several minutes of "discussion", she decided to go to the
party.  Actually, the only reason she decided to go to the party was her
wonderful ability to get lost.  If she would have dropped us off, we
would still be sitting on Rocky's step waiting for her.
 
     After we found the right house and persuaded mom to get out of the
car, we had the difficult job of walking up to the house. Espically
since we still were not real sure if this ws the right house.  So, we
walked up the stairs.  Wessley introduced himself and us and asked if it
was the BTN party.  It was(Look of relief on my face).  Several people
introduced themselves.  Immediately Colby Gibson stood up and introduced
himself.  (Now that I have met Colby, I don't understand why people give
him a hard time.  He's really very helpful and friendly).  By this time
lots of people had started arriving and I had gotten over being shy and
scared and I started being my normal self.  It was kinda weird, but lots
of fun. Even though people tell you not to, you still try to figure out
what this person or that person is going to be like once you meet them
face to face.
 
     At first I was pretty nervous, but after a few minutes
everything was running smooth, until we had to leave.  By that time,
Patsy actually wanted to stay.  Remember this was the same person who
didn't want to come in the first place.  I guess she had so much fun
almost making Henry Barfoot fall of the porch.  Henry, you really
need to watch out for those porches more often.  We had to leave, but
we came back a little while later.  I was driving, but for some
unknown reason, I listened to Patsy who managed to get us lost.  BUt
we did manage to make it back the second time.
 
     As I said before there were some interesting people there and then
there were some really weird people there.  I got to meet a lot of the
people that I leave messages to.  I finally got to meet Monk. I got to
meet EZNET's very own goddesses.  Even though, Maggie said that we look
alike, we forgave her<G>.  Patsy started to act weird. She would be
talking to people and then just up and walk off.  It wasn't anything
personal, she just started feeling bad.  Rocky showed us The Matrix and
we got to see how it works.  I got to meet Bentley, who wrote Esterian
Conquest.  And I even got to meet people I had never even heard of
before.  It was fun and definetly an interesting experience.  Thanks
Mark and Rocky for making it possible.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Yet Another BTN Party Questionnaire
by Colby Gibson

     Another BTN party has come and gone. Saturday night, June
15, these questionnaires were going around the Rawlins house,
being filled out, eaten, and used for coasters. I amassed 28
replies and here are the results. I'll post the best 5-6 replies,
plus some criticism, comments, etc.

     (Of course, not saying that there weren't some turned in
that I couldn't read. You people were DRUNK.)

1) Write in your name(s) below.

 A) Mark Kieskowski  (* A truthful one! Alright! *)
 B) Your name(s) below.  (* Smart ass  *)
 C) God, no. Then I could be implicated. (* Sure you would. We know. *)
 D) Kevin Buchan (Can you read this? I'm on beer #5)
 E) No.  (* Hey, thanks! *)

2) How did you get here and what type of transport was involved?

 A) My Wheelchair   (* So THAT's what that thing in the hall was! *)
 B) An Ambulance   (8 Well, I thought that was for carrying people
                     OUT, not in... *)
 C) I flew, and boy are my arms tired!  (* That's who brought the blue
                                           stuff! No wonder.... *)
 D) Your parents didn't explain that to you?  (* A technical type, huh!? *)

 E) Various bits and pieces of me have been arriving over a period
    of several weeks.  (* Obviously you're not whole, because there
                          was SOMETHING on the kitchen table that
                          defied description! *)
 F) I Teleported.  (* We HAD to have one of those. *)

3) Why did you decide to get off your butt and come?

 A) Well, the batteries in my vibrator ran out, so I said
    what the hell!  (* And we know what you did to Foshee, too. *)
 B) My butt doesn't get off, but other various parts of my anatomy
    do.  (* You people are just plain WEIRD. That's all I have to say. *)
 C) I live here. (* Michael Rawlins, no doubt. *)
 D) The remote control was too far out of reach.
      (* Really? Are you sure Foshee didn't have it?  <snicker> *)
 E) Good reason to get drunk.  (* HEY! THEY TOLD THE TRUTH! *)
 F) Me smell party. (* The only thing at Rocky's house that smelled
                       really bad was the excess of those tacos that
                       someone was stupid enough to leave lying there.
                       I wasted no time with them..... *)

4) What alcoholic items did you bring, if any? If not, ingested any?

 A) Canadian Mist.  (* We know who THIS is... *)
 B) Rubbing alcohol and the fluid in my wipers that is part
    methanol.  (* Don't you know that methanol is bad for you? *)
 C) Long Island Tea. I drank blue shit.  (* I was never able to
                                            sample that blue stuff
                                            that was in the tea
                                            jar. Anyone know what
                                            it was? *)
 D) 2 qts rubbing alcohol.  (* Hmmm, THAT'S what the bad smell was.. *)
 E) 3 bottles of lighter fluid. (* I'm just glad nobody got their
                                   lighter near that stuff... *)
 F) None. Presently getting off on homemade brew.  (* How many of you
                                                      people make this
                                                      stuff, anyway? *)
 G) Blue.  (* At least I know now made that blue liquid. *)

5) In your opinion, how many ounces of alcohol will Mark Keiskowski
   gulp down this evening? Will he start to dance?

 A) I don't think he's here yet. Maybe he'll dance if
    Dean Costello shows up. (* Dean didn't show up, as
                               far as I know, and he didn't
                               dance that I saw. *)
 B) Omega is an endless pit. I cannot imagine what he
    will ingest.  (* I ain't gonna comment. *)
 C) He doesn't gulp-he slurps. (* Mark??? *)
 D) 47 x 10^73  (* That's a LOT of vodka! *)
 E) Who?  (* I KNEW that there would be one.... *)
 F) As much as I want and probably not. You spelled it wrong,
    Asshole! "Kieskowski"!  (* I'm glad that Mark cared to turn
                               in one. *)

6) Is Ricky Eanes Here?, If so, Has he said anything to you?
      Has anyone moved to break his fingers?

 A) I'll break his fingers if he comes. (* Ouch! *)
 B) I haven't seen him but there is a foul smell in the air
    and the sheep are nervous.  (* Ricky!?!? *)
 C) Who?  (* Surprising, I thought EVERYONE had heard of Ricky Eanes. *)
 D) Yeah, he was just here. I had him in my pocket a second
    ago.... Where did he go?  (* Ricky? A prisoner? Appealing... *)
 E) Who gives a damn about Ricky any more? (* I dunno, I just wrote
                                              the question.... *)
 F) Ricky is busy handing out questionnaires with bandaged fingers.
   (* Kieskowski must have gotten to him. Eric, you didn't hold him? *)

        By the way, Ricky, we successfully faxed Eric Hunt
   to the Phil's Food Mart in Irondale that night.

7) Were you frisked at the door?

 A) Once by force, the rest felt good.
    (* I wonder who did the frisking.. *)
 B) Yeah, it was okay but the lines are so damned long that
    it probably won't wind through again.
 C) Yes. Got a cigarette?  (* Sorry, I don't smoke... *)
 D) Yes, I cherish the memory! Richard! Oh, yes!!
 E) No, but Richard felt me up. (* Richard is big news lately! *)
 F) Thank God Foshee was somewhere else.

8) Has Tom Egan caught you with "The Camera"? If so, how much will
   you be willing to pay for us to not scan the picture?

 A) Not with the camera, but with his wife....  (* Tom?... *)
 B) He didn't have a camera, but he offered me a moustache
    ride instead. (* Sounds like some of you had a fun night. *)
 C) The question is: How much will I pay to GET scanned?
 D) No. Scan me at your own risk.
 E) So far, Tom has only caught me with one button undone. Wait
    'til a few drinks and a few buttons into the evening.

9) How many people are in the MATRIX room?

 A) More than the fire marshall would like... (* Hang on while I
                                                 go call 'em! *)
 B) How many people can wear your underwear? (* It depends. How many
                                               people would LIKE to
                                               wear my underwear? *)
 C) 100,000 or so. (* I dunno if the floor was THAT structurally
                     sound. *)                ~~~~
 D) None. Amazing! (* Also impossible, if you ask me. *)
 E) 17 1/2 (* I KNEW I shouldn't have left that knife in there! *)
 
10) How many beers has Maisel had?
 
 A) He has only nursed one beer that I've seen. And two
    small kittens.  (* Meow! *)
 B) Don't know. He puked in my can.  (* Didn't think that Maisel
                                       could drink THAT much. *)
 C) 47 x 10^73  (* That's a lotta Bud, dude! *)
 D) They had to drive to Atlanta to get more. He drank all
    of the beer in Birmingham.
 E) Enough so that Kathy can have her way with him and he'll
    never know. (* Mark? Kathy?? *)

11) Why the hell are you answering this thing, anyway?
 
 A) None of your damn business. (* Hey, thanks! *)
 B) Because it was rudely shoved in my face all evening.
 C) Colby is holding a gun to my head. (* Loaded 9mm, too. *)
 D) I was asked nicely. (* Direct contrast to "B" *)

 E) Because I wouldn't want to upset Gibson. (* You wouldn't, trust me! *)

 F) Me Bobo, me stupid. (* To answer this thing, you had to be at
                          least a BIT stupid. *)

12) If you could spend a fortnight upon the person of any woman/man
    in existance, who would it be?

 A) Hey man! Only lady liberty would be big enough and
    it wouldn't be safe sex.
 B) Erica Sullivan.  (* Erica?? *)
 C) Richard Foshee! Whatta Stud! NOT!
 D) Maggie Harden, Chris Hilliard, Gail Bagen, Astrid Morgan.
        (* No comment *)
 E) I'm hot for the Maytag Man.  (* That old guy? NO WAY! *)
 F) Kitty Kat.  (* Rocky, lock up the cat! *)

13) Go up to Richard Foshee and stick your tongue in his ear. What
    was his response?

 A) "What? YOU AGAIN?"   (* Are you implying something? *)
 B) I did, and I can no longer crap right any more.
 C) Not on your life! Besides, he doesn't want any women
    to do that, anyway.  (* What came of that railroad tie
                            nail? *)
 D) He grabbed me on the left buttock.  (* Not gonna say it. *)
 E) You're cracked, Colby.  (* You know it! *)
 F) "Meet me in the backyard in 5 min."  (* So THAT's why the
                                          grass grows that way *)

14) Is the Episkopos R.J. Gumby here? If so, what title(s) has he
    offered you?

 A) Who knows? He just flashes into being....
 B) Yes. Pope Archbishop Bobo, Chaser of Pigeons, Plunger of Lakes.
     (* Do Huron for me, okay? *)
 C) Only in spirit.
 D) Yes. President of the Universe.  (* SURE he did. *)
 E) I don't know. My twit filter is operational at BTN parties.

15) How many cigarettes have you smoked this evening?

 A) Packs or just individually?
 B) 3,745.  (* Man, this guy is gonna DIE. *)
 C) What kind of cigarettes?
 D) None. I only carry cigarettes if I know a beautiful babe
    smokes.   (* "You're both sick, then." quoteth Ricky Eanes. *)
 E) Passively: 122,678.
 F) None. I ate 36.

16) What time did you arrive, and what time do you plan to leave?

 This was a terrible question. People actually put down
 the time that they were going to leave. Poor souls.

 A) I hid in the basement since 4:30 AM.
    (* Is that why the cat was acting that way? *)
 B) Not long ago and maybe soon. After all, I haven't seen
    too many laser lightshows, right?
       (* AHA! A City Stages freak!! Kill 'em! *)
 C) That's a stupid question. Think of something else.
 D) Now, then.   (* SARCASTICNESS AT ITS BEST!!! NOT! *)
 E) 7pm-5am-Denny's Run.

17) Is there any software pirating going on in the MATRIX room? If
    so, were you involved, and may we call the FBI?

 A) I don't know, but call them anyway. Those guys have a
    good party.   (* With handcuffs, of course.  *)
 B) What are you talking about? Pirating is illegal!
 C) Er... Could be.  (* COULD BE? Beep, boop, bip. *)
 D) I never download, so I wouldn't know.
 E) Yes, and I won't be responsible if you do.
 F) PIRATES!? Hide the women and children! No, I didn't
    see any schooners.

18) Go up to Mark Kieskowski and tap him in the forehead. Did he fall
    down?

 This was a good one. Many people actually proceeded
 up to Mark and tapped him in the face. He didn't fall
 down, at least that I saw.

 A) Touch me and die.  (* Don't worry, Mark. We'll leave that
                          for Foshee. *)
 B) No. He fell up.  (* That's where the ceiling got cracked! *)
 C) He just got here. He was already on the ground. Kicking
    him DID elicit a groan.  (* I shoulda tried that! *)
 D) No, but he offered to stick his tongue in my ear.
 E) Who?  (* I always thought Omega was big news! No pun
                     intended. *)
 
19) What exactly is GIFLITE, and how should it be treated?
 
 A) Peanut butter with half the calories, roughly.
 B) A program that does exactly what JPEG does, but
    because it seems not to, Omega Ohm likes it.
 C) A horrible program by someone who wanted to make
    something everyone would think is from Phil Katz.
       (* I can see it now. PKGIF. *)
 D) Quartz halogen bulb to be installed in monitors
    prior to viewing GIFs.   (* I get it! *)
 E) A new drink. « the calories that water has!
    (* Half of none! A new record! *)

20) How many GIFs do you download on a daily basis and what
    exactly do you use them for?

 A) I d/l 10 a day and beat off at them. Oooh!
      (* That doesn't surprise me. *)
 B) I don't download peanut butter.
 C) For getting out tough stains.
 D) I don't download. I have my computer on the same network
    as The MATRIX.  (* Hmmm. Maybe I should patch my system
                       into The MATRIX. *)
 E) I don't believe in GIFs ever since I found out it
    was pronounced JIFs.

21) How many times has The MATRIX been down this month?

 A) Hasn't visited me once.
 B) 2 times on Node 6.  (* Listening, Rocky? *)
 C) You mean it's up now?
 D)  û-1    (* I give up. Why? Why Euler's number? WHY? *)
 E) I hasn't gone down on me! I'd know.
 F) ì  (* Okay. Infinity is a little much. *)

22) If you could have your life made into a movie, who would
    play your part?

 A) Richard Geer.  (* It's spelled "Gere", idiot! *)
 B) Goofy.  (* At least THEY were honest about it. *)
 C) Gene Wilder.  (* That guy? NO WAY! *)
 D) Captain Caveman.  (* HIM? *)
 E) Emmanuel Lewis. (* Not! *)
 F) TIMMY!

23) Do you plan on eating any floppy disks in the near future, and,
    if so, what condiments would you use?

 A) Latex on sheepskin.  (* Yuck. *)
 B) I only like SyQuest cartridges, Peon! No taste!
 C) Salt and Mustard.  (* Salt for the boot sector, no doubt. *)
 D) Cheese dip.  (* The perfect remedy for F.A.T. tables. *)
 E) Can't afford to waste them.  (* I agree! *)
 F) Yeah. 3«'s with mustard.

24) If you were to win $1,000,000 dollars, how would you spend it?

 A) I'd LAN the city.   (* That's an awful lot of cords and
                           workstations, you know. *)
 B) VAX and the biggest HD availiable.  (* Infinite storage capacity. *)
 C) Set up a different house for each of my gentlemen.
 D) Too late. I already talked to Ed.
 E) Donate to BTN.  (* ALRIGHT!! WE'RE IN THE MONEY! *)
 F) Unwisely.  (* As would many of us, I'm sure. *)

25) Comments? Suggestions? Give me hell?

 A) Bugger off.
 B) You suck.  (* Thanks, my good man! *)
 C) Why no good trees to eat?  (* What? Say that again? *)
 D) Not enough truly sleazy questions.
 E) What a great party. Why should I give you something that
    you already have and live with daily?
 F) If I see another goddamned questionnaire, I'm gonna scream.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Adventures of R.G. Strangemind and Herbert
by Jeremy Lewis
Copyright 1991 by Jeremy Lewis
no reprints without the permission of the author

Chapter V

     Emperor Splort was on the rampage.  In only three minutes he
proceeded to destroy the entire contents of the royal bedroom not to
mention a very lovely antique table that his great grandfather had made
by hand.  In other words, it was not very intelligent of the youngest
council member to disturb him.  Furthermore it had probably been the
most idiotic move that the late counselor had ever made.  The counselor
realized this as his' head sailed off his shoulders and out the window.
The other counselors decided that they would postpone any further talks
with the Emperor until he was in a better humor or as Emperor Splat III
once said, "They ran like hell."

     Emperor Splort grabbed an axe from a recently demolished trunk and
began swinging at the fleeing Counselors.  A few of the counselors made
it through the door before he could position himself in front of it, but
a great many of them leapt for the only other exit...the windows.  In
fact, it was the sight of all his council running about his bedroom and
leaping out windows that finally began to calm the Emperor down.  It was
then that Emperor Splort for the first time in two days began to smile.
He patted the axe in his hand with a dark gleam in his eye. "I'll get
you Slob!  You may have gotten away with bungles before, but this time.
This time we've got you!"

     Meanwhile back in the large gray spaceship, at about the same time
Emperor Slob began his rampage, a klaxon began to sound.  A pleasant but
artificial male voice was heard throughout the ship. "Slob, I really
must have your help on the bridge.  I can't fly the ship all the time
without a human instruction.  Oh yes...Emperor Splort has issued a
reward for anyone who can capture you, although the reward is greater
for bringing back your lifeless body. Thank you."  Slob stared at the
intercom in disbelief and then looked at Herbert, who was still stuck in
the wall.  Disbelief turned to glee as Slob formed a plan.

     While all this was going on, R.G.'s body had been coming closer and
closer to the ship's powers.  It had almost turned once or twice, but as
if it were guided by some mystic sense of destiny, it continued to head
straight along the corridor, to itself ultimate demise.  As it run along
the corridor the scenery began to change.  The beautiful white walls
were now red and bore large warning labels which had R.G. been
inhabiting it he would've recognized as an odd form of english.

     It was as R.G, was inspecting a strange machine, which seemed to do
nothing more than sing odd folk songs about toasters, that R.G. felt a
presence.

     "Hello?" said R.G.

     "Greetings," responded a pleasant but artificial voice," existing
on both the astral and physical plane has allowed me to detect your
presence."

     "Amazing!" whispered R.G. "Who? What? are you?"

     "I am the ship computer.  I hope you enjoy your stay on this ship
and your body is heading towards certain death in the ship's powercore.
Thank you."

     R.G. desperately began searching for the ship's powercore.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Windows 3.0 review: BackMenu 2.2
by Eric Hunt

     This month's Windows 3.0 shareware review covers one of my all-time
favorite programs! BackMenu 2.2 is a utility that everyone should get,
and get it NOW, for BackMenu gives users of Microsoft Windows a GUI
feature that XWindows users on UNIX workstations have had all along with
mwm, and that's a root menu. (mwm is the window manager in many XWindow
terminals) In XWindow parlance, your desktop is called the root, so
BackMenu is a desktop menu for Windows. What it gives you is the power
to have a completely customizable menu of applications and actions to
immediately hotkey to with the click of a mouse button on the desktop.

     BackMenu's most powerful feature is the ability to nest menus
within menus, until eventually the computer runs out of memory! While
most people wouldn't go that far, it is nice to click on the desktop and
have a menu come up that says has Graphics, WordProcessing,
Telecommunications, Icon Management, etc on it, with the individual
applications falling under those logical menus. BackMenu is extremely
customizable, and this is another one of it's high points. You can tell
it that a right button click should activate the menu, the left button,
or even the center button. You can also add horizontal bars to the menu,
to separate the items into groups.

     Another excellent ability BackMenu has is the ability to read the
current program manager groups, and place each of them in a menu, with
all of the applications contained within available for immediate
launching! This makes it VERY easy to run a program that you have
installed in Progman, but don't have a custom entry for it in BackMenu.
There are also other internal action items that can be placed in the
menu, such as launching a program from a command line, unloading
BackMenu from memory, and a fast exit from Windows.

     The only aspect of BackMenu which could use improvement is the
actual way that you customize the menu! It is necessary to import the
menu definition file into an ASCII editor and make changes that way.
There is a syntax, not unlike a language, and it must be followed to the
letter. This might be beyond the capabilities of the casual Windows
user, and it would definately turn some users off on the program. An
object oriented menu-editing program is one solution, a program that you
could edit the menu structure graphically, and have the program generate
the menu definition textfile. Champagne wishes and caviar
dreams.........
 
     BackMenu is an extremely helpful utility for the Windows 3.0
environment. It has the ability to put more of your programs closer to
you, without the need to drag up Progman. I would recommend it as a
necessary component of any good Windows 3.0 utility collection. BackMenu
2.2 is written by a chap from England, and he is charging 20 British
pounds for the program. This is extremely expensive, in my opinion, as
that translates to very close to $40, US. I have sent the man mail
repeatedly, on both CompuServe and the Internet, asking for the American
price. If I don't get a response soon, BackMenu will have to be placed
in the "neat, but I really can't use it" category. I hope I hear from
him, and get to keep it in my utilities directory for good!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Notes from the Trenches
by Dean Costello

This Month:  "Tales of the Swine Family"

     There's not much time to tell this story.  The sun will come
up in two hours, and I want to be gone by then.  But it will not
be easy.  I have a whole roomful of weight to move out of this
bedroom by dawn, and as always, there is no one around to help.
One friend could make a big difference now, but its 4 o'clock in
the morning, and all decent people are in bed.  So much for
friends.  I am sitting in a bedroom on the edge of a mountain in,
amazingly enough, Mountain Brook.  The upstairs room to the right
in the back of the Mohney house to be precise.  There is a quiet
florescent glow coming from the downstairs kitchen that can be
just seen from where I sit.  That florescent light is the
brightest thing in my universe right now, it lights up much of
the downstairs in the dark, predawn hours, where Mrs. Mohney will
be leaving for work in a couple of hours.  There are a bunch of
cars parked outside, either in or next to the garage.  A
Cavalier, some kind of mutated Pontiac 6000 station wagon, and a
red Fiero.  My own car, an '86 golden Fiero, is about 75 feet
away from the terminal that I am using.  And I know that the gas
tank is full. I filled it up last night at about 9:30pm.  The
woman running the Amoco asked me where I was going.  I mumbled
something about going to Cuba.  The woman laughed; but I didn't.
I went back to making sure that the car was ready to go.  Top off
the gas tank, make sure the oil is okay, check the transmission
fluid. Give the car whatever it needs.  Or whatever it wants, for
that matter.  For when you are out on the interstate, that car is
going to be your best friend in the entire world.  Cuba is only
290 miles away, but I have the feeling that I am going to be able
to make it to Havana much easier than even ten miles from this
nightmarish situation that I have gotten myself into at this
place.
  
     The Mohney's house is a haven, of sorts, they say.  Just a
nice place to stay when one decides to wander down to Birmingham
and get serious about hanging around.  Which is true, as far as
it goes.  This is a nice place.  Nice wooden deck out back, rooms
all over the place with no one in them, quivers of Food and Drink
downstairs, and unlimited access to a computer terminal.  A
fairly self-contained community away from the storms of the
outside world.  And it is worth the better part of a million
dollars.
  
     The owner is Paul Mohney, an executive at IBM, who is
looking around for property out in the sticks to retire to.  He
seems to be a fairly important member of Mountain Brook, where
there is basically no law at all that can't be broken, or bought,
or at least casually ignored by the right people.

     I am a guest at Paul Mohney's house, granted this by his son
Chris when I was forced to come to Birmingham for legal reasons.
From the foot of the stairs, I can see the doorway to his room,
about 20 yards away from me across the television room and
kitchen.  And I know he is sleeping heavily on a king-sized bed
with his wife, a fine and friendly woman about 55 years old.
  
     She has been asleep since midnight, and she will wake up
early to get to BMC Montclair.  Paul will wake up later, or at
least he would on most days.  But on this one, I suspect, he will
be an early riser.  It could happen at any moment, in fact.  And
I want to get this story down quick, and be out of this place by
dawn, because ugly things are about to happen.

     There's a huge pig's head in Paul Mohney's toilet tonight.
I put it there about 3 hours ago, just before he came up from the
downstairs.  The snout is poking straight out and up from the
family toilet, and the pig's lips are glistening with ruby red
lipstick, and its eyes are propped open.  The toilet bowl is
filled with red commerical ketchup.  The first time anyone in
that house goes into the bathroom and turns the light on, I'm
going to have to be very alert.  We will have SERIOUS action:
hysteria, wild rage.  You know, I've seen a lot of hideous things
in my time, but the sight of this erie white pig's head in the
white toilet bowl, with its mouth covered with lipstick and its
dead grey eyes looking straight up at me, or at anyone else that
comes near that toilet, will live in my memory forever as one of
the most genuinely hideous things I have ever seen.  The idea of
waking up in the middle of the night half drunk and wandering
into your own bathroom and pissing distractedly into your own
toilet, and realizing, after not many seconds, that there is
something basically wrong with the noise that normally happens
when you piss into a bowl of water in the middle of the night.
And feeling the splash of warm urine on your knee because its
bouncing off the lipstick-smeared snout of a dead pig's head that
is clogging up your toilet; that is a bad thing to see when you
are not at the top of your facilities.  And Paul will see it
soon.  He should have seen it a long time ago, in fact, but
tonight he broke his normal routine of relieving himself before
falling into bed.  At that point, the joke went out of control.

     I thought, "What have I done?"  What if his wife wakes up
first, which she almost is certain to do.  Or Chris, the 20-year
old son that invited me to stay.  I wasn't counting on this.  My
plan had turned weird on me, and now I will have to flee.  The
thing is so ugly that I almost got sick putting the lipstick on
it.  Now, we all enjoy humor, but this is very far over the line.
We're not talking about jokes here, we're talking about crazy
ugly; real malice, terrible shock and weeping for a 55-year old
lady or a 20-year old man-boy; people screaming out of control at
a sight too vile to see.  Innocent people, crawling out of the
bathroom on their knees, and calling wildly for help from the
father.  And that evil bastard is going to be jerked out of his
sleep by the terrified screams of his loved ones.  And when that
happens, he is going to turn crazy and want to kill someone or
have others do it.  And they'll come to the right bedroom in the
back.

     My room is the only one with lights on tonight, I'm still
up. I will be on the road very soon; I have a friend up the road
in Atlanta that will take me in for a while.  Jesus!  I just
looked to my left, and I saw the curtains moving.  My sliding
glass door is wide open, and he could jump me at any moment.
That's why I have this big grey flashlight sitting next to me on
the desk. It's a fully charged Taser, a savage little tool fully
capable of delivering a 50,000 volt WHACK to anyone that comes
within 18 feet.  And I've got the bugger primed.  WHAPPO, 50,000
volts, flapping around like a fish, eyes rolling back in his
head, screeching helplessly, and then taking another shock.  The
Taser will deliver five seperate and distinctly massive jolts
once the barbs are fired into the victim.  You can keep the
buggers jumping around at the end of the little wire lines for
almost an hour if the machine is fully charged.  I don't want to
have to do it.  The Taser is a felony crime in some states, and
I'm not sure what it is now in Alabama, but I know that anyone
that comes through my door at this hour of the morning does not
have good news for me, and they'll have to be shot with
something.  I am not a violent person, but I know that there is a
time and place for everything, and unfortunately, this is one of
those times.

     I sawed the head off the pig around midnight.  Paul had it
stored in a meat locker, planning to marinate it for a big
barbecue he has planned for tonight, with the head as the main
piece of art.  I chopped it off with a meat saw in about 45
seconds, and it took about 45 more to put the lipstick on.  The
tube broke, so I had to do it by hand, rubbing a lump of red
lipstick around the dead thing's gums like I was waxing up some
sort of dummy.  And then the head wouldn't sit right in the bowl,
so I had to jerk it up by the ears, and jam it back in a proper
position.  I also had to prop the eyes open, so they'd by looking
straight up at him.  All this took about 90 more seconds;
sneaking into his room, and putting the pig's head in his toilet.
Okay, the joke's over now.  I have to flee.

     It's 6:25 on a wet Monday morning, and I know that someone
will be using the bathroom very soon.  The time has come.  I
don't want to be around when it happens, despite a pressing
deadline that will cost me a lot of money to miss.  The bastard
will not take this lightly.  Besides, I owe them money for the
food and drink I have consummed since I have been here.  Indeed,
I am preparing to flee even now.

     I told him that that pig was going to be very expensive.  He
and Chris put it into my bed the other night, tied up and
drugged, and half-hidden under the covers so that I sat down on
the bed right next to the beast, and began talking serious to my
accountant who was not amused when the thing suddenly began
moving and I said, "Ahh, I'll have to call you back, there's a
pig in my bed."  Which was true.  I calmed the beast down with a
billy club, and dragged it downstairs where I set it loose in the
kitchen. People screamed and cursed me and ran around like rats
while I chopped the loose.  One of the sons cornered it and
dragged it out to a shed where they slits its throat the next day
and hung it up to bleed, then they put it into the meat locker to
cool off.
  
     Now, the moral of the story is never let strangers get their
hands on the key to your meat locker.  Also, get out while you
can.  Which I will have to do now.  Immediately.  The fat is in
the fire.

Epilogue:  Chris found it when he woke up to go to school.  His
           mother heard him screaming on his way out of the
           house, and then she saw it.  "Ye Gods!" she thought.
           What's he thrown up now? "I ate 3 or 4 Valium," she
           said, "And then I called Pete to take the thing away.
           It was three and a half hours before we could use the
           toilet. Paul didn't wake up until noon, and by the
           time he went to the toilet, the head was lying in the
           bathtub."

     And I was gone.  But I'm back now, standing around in the
kitchen, and people are a lot nicer to me.  I buy liters of
Chivas Regal.  And I may be here for a while.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

If Cavemen had Clubs, Why Don't We?
by Bryan Taylor

     Since I've been involved in Birmingham's BBSing family, there have
been many people whose names have shown up on almost any board I call.
And if there's a popular name I don't see on a board, I'll always hear
it from someone else!  One of these people, for instance, is Mark
Maisel, our esteemed editor.  (If you can honestly say that you haven't
seen Mark's name on more than one  board, then we know that you're
probably one of those losers whose name WE don't see on more than one
board).

     Other people like Mark stand out in my mind because they contribute
a great deal to the BBSing society (that is, excluding the people who
stand out because everybody hates them).  You know the great
contributers: the BBSers who host parties, who write articles for BTN
(ahem...), or who revive the dead message areas with a spark of improved
conversation.  We know these people's names because their name is
written for us to see: on the beautiful BTN party maps, atop articles,
and in the headings of messages.  But what about the contributers who
aren't great writers in the message areas, like the BBS users who do all
the uploading?  What about the subscribers who send money to help a
sysop maintain his or her board?

     I could go on and on, but I guess it's about time for a point.

     I'd like to recognize ALL those users who contribute to
Birmingham's bulletin boards, and I'm sure a lot of sysops out there
might feel the same.  What would a BBS be without users who get message
areas going strong and file directories filled up?  So finally, my
point: I'd like to organize an inter-BBS club exclusively for those
users who contribute a great deal to the boards.  That includes all
subscribers automatically; there's no greater contribution then MONEY!!
(Just kidding, I guess). Then other users may gain membership by being
recognized as one who does indeed make a good deal of contributions in
ways other than sending money.

     Benefits in being a club member would range from simple recognition
to gaining extra priviledges on the BBS which would host your chapter.
The club would also have a tri-monthly newsletter free of charge to
members. Each BBS which would host a chapter of the club would have a
private message area available only to club members, and each chapter
would vote regularly for officers.  My only problem with getting this
thing started is that I don't know how anyone else feels. It may not
sound like anything great, but it could be.  Who knows?  I hope it can
become something that would be an honor to BBS users if they were
accepted into the club.  Of course I realize this whole idea may sound
unnecessary to some of you, and that's why I'd like you to give me some
feedback.  PLEASE take the time to answer the following questionnaire
and upload it as a message to me on The Matrix.

                 "Will There Be a Club?" Questionnaire
                 -------------------------------------

1.  What is your name or handle you use most often?

2.  Are you a subscribing member of a BBS?  If so, which one?

3.  Are you a sysop?  If so, list name of BBS and phone number.

4.  If you are a sysop, would you be willing to host on your BBS,
    a chapter of the club discussed above?  You are not committing
    yourself with this question.  It is merely to let us know 
    whether or not sysops would be interested in giving this 
    thing a try.  Details would be discussed later if you truly
    want to host a chapter.

5.  Name at least two people which you feel would be most
    qualified for membership in such a club as discussed above.
    Why do you feel they are qualified?

6.  Do you feel there are enough benefits for club members?  If
    not, what else would you suggest?

7.  How do you think sysops could be encouraged to help out by
    hosting a chapter?

8.  Do you feel as though this club is a good idea?  
    What do you think could be done to make the idea sound more
    appealing to BBS users?

     If you take the time to send me your answers to this questionnaire,
it would be GREATLY appreciated, and you would already have made a great
contribution! Even if you don't want to answer the above questions, I
would still appreciate any note with a short, yet decent, comment!
Thank you for your time, and I hope to see you on the boards!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

ProFile
by Chris Mohney

     The ProFile is a short, half-serious biographical sketch given to
various computer telecommunications personalities around Birmingham.
Victims are selected randomly from a group of names put into the
notorious Hat.  Anyone who thinks himself brave or witty enough may
petition for admittance to the Hat by leaving E-Mail to me (Chris
Mohney, most boards around town) to that effect.  Anyone who wishes to
suggest more questions or sneakily nominate someone without their
knowledge may take the same route....

******************
This Month:  He Ain't Heavy ....
******************

---------

       Pro-File on  PETE MOHNEY

---------

Age: 31

Birthplace: Cincinati, Ohio

Occupation: Computer programmer

My hobbies include: Reading sci-fi and fantasy, playing Dungeons and
                    Dragons, softball

Years telecomputing: .7

Sysop, past/present/future of: Pseudo-co-sysop of conferences on Radio
                               Free TROAD and Owl's Nest, both RPG's

My oddest habit is: Reading while I walk

My greatest unfulfilled ambition is: Ruling the world

The single accomplishment of which I am most proud is:
     Getting a high paying job for which I have no training whatsover

My favorite performers are: Jennifer Roberson, Glen Cook, Orson Scott
                            Card, Mercedes Lackey, Katherine Kurtz, any
                            hard rock preferably classic

The last good movie I saw was: Robin Hood

The last good book I read was: Swordbreaker, by Jennifer Roberson

If they were making a movie of my life, I'd like to see my part played
by: Nick Nolte

My pet peeves are: People who don't say what they mean, people who don't
                   mean what they say

When nobody's looking, I like to:  Well, if I wanted people to know, I'd
                                   do it when they're looking!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

SIG's (Special Interest Groups), Computer Related
-------------------------------------------------

BEPCUG                              CCS
Birmingham East PC Users Group      Commodore Club South
Jefferson Sate Jr. College          Springville Road Library
Ruby Carson Hall, Rm 114            2nd & 4th Tuesday (C64/C128)
3rd Friday, 7-9 PM                  3rd Monday (Amiga)
Paula Ballard 251-6058 (after 5PM)  7:30-10 PM

BCCC                                BIPUG
Birmingham Commodore Computer Club  Birmingham IBM-PC Users Group
POB 59564                           UAB Nutrition Science Blg
Birmingham, Al 35259                RM 535/541
UAB School of Education, Rm 153     1st Sunday (delayed one week
2nd and 4th Sundays, 2 PM              if meeting is a holiday)
Rusty Hargett 854-5172              Marty Schulman 967-5883

BACE                                FAOUG
Birmingham Atari Computer           First Alabama Osborne Users
Enthusiast                          Group
Vestavia Library, downstairs        Homewood Library
2nd Monday, 7 PM                    1st Saturday, 1PM
Benny Brown 822-5059                Ed Purquez 669-5200

CADUB
CAD Users of Birmingham
Homewood Library
3rd Tuesday, 6:30PM-8:30PM
Bobby Benson 791-0426

SIG's, Non-Computer Related
---------------------------

BBC                                 Birmingham Astronomy Club
Blue Box Companions                 Subject: Astronomy
Subject: Dr. Who                    Red Mountain Museum Annex
Hoover Library                      4th Tuesday, 7:30PM
1st Saturday, 2PM-5PM

If you belong to or know of a user group that is not listed,
please let us know by sending E-Mail to Barry Bowden on
The Matrix BBS.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Known BBS Numbers For The Birmingham Area

    NAME                    NUMBER     BAUD RATES  MODEM    BBS SOFTWARE
                                       SUPPORTED   TYPE

*   Abject Poverty          680-9680   300-2400             ProLogon/Prodoor
*   Alter-Ego BBS           925-0707   300-2400    MNP4     ProLogon/ProDoor
*   American BBS            674-1851   300-2400             PCBoard 14.5
    Amiga Alliance ][       631-0262   300-2400             Ami Express
^   Arkham Asylum           853-7422   300-2400             WWIV 4.12
)*% Bloom County            856-0587   300-9600    USR DS   PCBoard 14.5
-*  Bus System              595-1627   300-2400             PCBoard 14.2
*%  Byte Me!                979-BYTE!  2400-9600   USR HST  WWIV 4.12
    CM(ee) BBS Node 1       655-4059   300-2400             Oracomm Plus
    CM(ee) BBS Node 2       655-4065   300-1200             Oracomm Plus
    Camelot BBS             856-0679   300-2400             Telegard 2.5
-*# Channel 8250 Node 1     744-8546   300-9600    USR DS   PCBoard 14.5
-*# Channel 8250 Node 2     744-5166   300-9600    USR HST  PCBoard 14.5
*   Crunchy Frog Node 1     956-1755   300-9600    USR DS   PCBoard 14.5
*   Crunchy Frog Node 2     956-0073   300-9600    USR DS   PCBoard 14.5
    DataLynx                322-3425   300-2400             Oracomm5.L.30
    Disktop Publishing BBS  854-1660   300-2400    MNP4     Wildcat! 2.55s
    FM Station              680-9772   1200-2400            WWIV 4.12
    Graphics Zone Node 1    870-5306   300-9600    MNP4     TBBS 2.1(16)
    Graphics Zone Node 2    870-5329   300-9600    MNP4     TBBS 2.1(16)
    Hacker's Corner         674-5449   1200-2400            PCBoard 14.5
    Hardeman's BBS          640-6436   1200-2400            Wildcat! 2.55s
-*  Joker's Castle          664-5589   300-2400             PC Board 14.5
@   K-9 Corner              424-8202   300-2400             Image 1.2
*&  Little Kingdom Node 1   969-0007   300-9600    USR DS   PCBoard 14.5
*&  Little Kingdom Node 2   969-0008   300-2400    MNP4     PCBoard 14.5
    Long Island             631-0184   300-2400             ???????
*   Magnolia BBS            854-6407   300-9600    USR HST  PCBoard 14.2
    Martrydom Again?!       491-2876   1200-2400            WWIV 4.12
@   Missing Link            853-1257   300-2400             Image1.2
^   Myth Drannor            699-5811   1200-2400   MNP4     WWIV 4.11
    Outside It's America    951-2473   300-2400    MNP4     WWIV 4.12
    Owl's Nest              680-0851   300-2400             PCBoard 14.5
    Paradise City           853-1439   1200-2400            PCBoard 14.5
    PC Echange Link         663-2759   300-9600    USR DS   QuickBBS 2.04
+   Programmer's Shack      871-3356   300-9600    USR HST  Telegard 2.5i
*   Radio Free Troad        979-6183   300-9600    USR DS   PCBoard 14.5
    Safe Harbor             665-4355   300-9600    USR DS   GTPower 15.00
    Sperry BBS              853-6144   300-9600    Hayes    PCBoard 14.5
*   ST BBS                  836-9311   300-2400             PCBoard 14.2
    Strattosphere           833-7612   1200-2400            WWIV 4.12
    The Commodore Zone      856-3783   300-2400             Image1.2
    The Connection Node 1   854-9074   1200-2400            PCBoard 14.5
    The Connection Node 2   854-2308   1200-2400            PCBoard 14.5
    The Connection Node 3   854-0698   1200-2400            PCBoard 14.5
^   The Dragon's Hoard      833-3790   300-2400             WWIV 4.12
^   The Edge of Oblivion    520-0230   300-2400             WWIV 4.11
-*!$(The Matrix Nodes 1-4   323-2016   300-2400             PCBoard 14.5
-*!$(The Matrix Node 5      251-2344   2400-9600   USR DS   PCBoard 14.5
-*!$(The Matrix Node 6      323-0799   2400-9600   USR DS   PCBoard 14.5
+   The Outer Limits        985-1725   1200-9600   USR HST  Ultra BBS ?.??
    The Quiet Zone          833-2066   300-2400             ExpressNET
+   The Round Table         938-2145   300-2400             Telegard 2.5i
    The Word                833-2831   300-2400             WWIV 4.12
    Victory Express         425-0821   300-1200             Image 1.2
    Willie's DYM Node 1     979-1629   300-2400             Oracomm Plus
    Willie's DYM Node 2     979-7739   300-2400             Oracomm Plus
    Willie's DYM Node 3     979-7743   300-1200             Oracomm Plus
    Willie's DYM Node 4     979-8156   300-1200             Oracomm Plus
    Ziggy Unaxess           991-5696   300-1200             Unaxess

The many symbols you see prior to the names of many of the bbs' in the
list signify that they are members of one or more networks that exchange
or echo mail to each other in some organized fashion.

* = EzNet, a local IBM compatible network

@ = Image network, a national Commodore network

+ = FidoNet, an international IBM compatible network

- = Metrolink, an international IBM compatible network

^ = WWIV-Net, an international IBM compatible network

& = Intellec, an international IBM compatible network

# = Uni'Net, an international IBM compatible network

% = ThrobNet, an international IBM compatible network

! = RastaNet, an international IBM compatible network

$ = ILink, an international IBM compatible network

( = TheoNet, a national IBM compatible network

) = USNetMail, a national IBM compatible network

If you have any corrections, additions, deletions, etc., please let us
know via EzNet.
