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   T h e  G R E E N Y  w o r l d  D o m i n a t i o n  T a s k  F o r c e ,
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            "The GwD Guide to Being the Perfect Boyfriend" by Snotty

  ----- GwD:  The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime ***** Issue #64 -----
                      ----- release date:  11-26-98 -----

You're no Harrison Ford.  You're not totally rich, and the idea of smelling good
in this humidity is beyond belief (Houston, the crotch of the world, in the
words of Yancey [Slide]).  Hell, you're not even that funny.  But who cares?
Now there's

THE GwD GUIDE TO BEING THE PERFECT BOYFRIEND (for the first couple of months,
anyway).

I've been waiting for a long time, and Mr. Perfect still hasn't come around!  I
figured some of you guys just needed a little help.  Any guy (or girl...) can
now be the perfect boyfriend.  It's simply a role to play (most people are
really the same underneath their idiosyncrasies).  You know that no matter how
bitchy you really are, you can play nice for a little while.  Even *I* can be
reasonable for the first couple of months (stop laughing Lobo!).  There are just
a couple of guidelines to follow.  

Rule #1:  Humor her!  She'll say stupid stuff like, "Hey, can I paint your
toenails?"  or  "Will you sing to me?"  Most of the time, if it's totally
ridiculous, she's just seeing if you'll say yes.  I guess it's a game of
sorts...more like the "I wonder how far I can push him" just for fun sort of
thing.  Maybe it's just me.  I'll usually ask my boyfriend if he'll wear my bras
or something stupid like that.  If he said yes, I wouldn't make him!  Well,
actually, yeah, maybe I would, but really, how degrading is that?!?  =P  I wear
boxer shorts all the time.  But seriously, it's all in good fun, and if you act
annoyed, it will just upset her, and humoring her for a couple of minutes will
make her really happy.

Rule #2 : Hold her.  In public, don't be totally all over each other (PDA does
suck), but holding hands and putting your arms around each other isn't bad at
all (AHEM - bitter bitter girl).  Give her a hug every once in a while.  I hate
it because I am a really clingy person in general.  I love to have contact with
my significant other, but as time passes, I find that I am initiating most of
the contact.  Any girl will love being reached for (just make sure it's
appropriate timing and whatnot).  It's just a nice feeling because it's like 
someone saying "I want to hold you and touch you".  It especially means a lot in
public because not only are you telling the world "Hey, this is my girlfriend
and I am proud to be with her" but you are also telling the other chicks, "Stay
away because I am a happily 'taken' man".  Most of the time, I feel like I am
irritating whomever I am dating because I am always making him give me hugs.
Oh, and the best way to hold a girl is from behind.  Wrap your arms around her
waist.  ;)

Rule #3 : E-mail, short phone messages, and random notes left on her car or
whatever are really great ideas!  Sometimes the short things are the best.  I've
received some one liners (Hi, I am thinking about you) that have meant more than
five page love letters.  It says "hey, I don't have a lot of time, but I am
taking the time out to write you".  Speaking of "thinking about someone", if
your girlfriend asks you "Do you think about me when you're (at
work/in class/on the crapper)?" always always always say, "Yes, I think about
you all the time".  She'll know you're lying, you'll know you're lying, and the
whole world will know you're lying, but who cares?!  I once dated a guy who told
me "You know, I'm really too busy to think about anything else than what I am
working on".  What kind of stupid moron tells their girlfriend that?  Aye, some
guys...

Rule #4 : Backrubs are the key to a woman's heart.  Be sure to practice and
perfect your technique (I am always willing to receive a backrub!).  But I do
not know of one woman who does not love a backrub.  

Anyway, in general, the everyday contact is very important because if it fizzles
out too quickly, she'll become bored.  If you treat her like she'll always be
there after one month of dating, she won't be so attached to your stellar
personality that she won't get rid of you! For instance, I was talking to my
boss (a crazy-cool woman who was kind of buzzing at the time), and she seemed to
have infinite wisdom about men.  She had been through three husbands, and her
advice to me was, "Don't treat your men too nicely.  They take your kindness as
a weakness and take advantage of that."  To the men, she says, "Always remember
that we're never so attached that we won't get rid of you.  Just because we
treat you well doesn't mean that we're head over heels in love.  We're just
being nurturing and caring.  Don't take that for granted."  Smart smart woman.
But I digress...Anyway, now that you have your girlfriend, you still have to
work to keep her.  If everyday you can do something really really small to tell
her in your own way that she's special, she'll love you for a long time to come.
The key to remember is to keep it on a small scale.  If you send her a dozen red
roses everyday, not only will it become mundane within days, she'll think you're
psycho and get rid of you.  Oh I guess I should add:

Rule #5 : Don't be psycho.  It sucks.

Now that day to day activities have been taken care of, something more difficult
and confusing must be faced:  special occasions.

Birthdays:  This is a tough situation to handle because it really depends on how
long you have been dating.  For instance, I began dating this one guy about a
month ago, and my birthday recently passed.   I thought that maybe he would send
a card (we were in separate cities), but nothing of the sort happened.  I wasn't 
too sad because that would be expecting something, and after dating my previous
BF, I have learned not to expect things (bitterness again!).  Anyway, I was
hoping for an e-mail or a phone call though, but I received neither!  I finally
called him because I was worried that he was injured or something, but no, he
was just "busy".  Ah well (I've heard that plenty before).  Anyway, he never
wished me a happy birthday on my birthday, but a couple of days afterwards, I
received 4 roses (kind of a weird number; my general rule is to stick to 1, 3,
6, 12, or any multiple of 12 thereafter).  They were really nice (flowers are
always a good idea).  Then we went out to fondue, and the evening was just
wonderful.  He just found his way out of a bad situation.  =P  Once again, I
digress.

Anyway, in general, buy a nice gift, but it's hard to get something for someone
you don't even know all that well.  Jewelry is usually a safe bet if you're
willing to spend the money.  Take a female friend with good taste though because
more likely than not, as a male, you have shitty taste in jewelry.  Remember, 
simple is good.  A word of caution though.  Gifts will get harder once you have
dated for a while.  You see, buying a shitty gift later in the relationship is
grounds for an argument because obviously, you didn't really care enough to look
for a gift that she wanted, etc etc.  So save the more expensive
"sure-to-get-you-action" gifts for later in the relationship (trust me, it'll be
worth it then!).

Well, speaking of gifts, one important rule is that things must be equal.
Everything in this world is about equality.  With my past boyfriend, I spent a
lot of money on him.  I would do a lot of things for him (bake cookies, leave
flowers, etc), but he never did anything in return.  He was too "busy," he said.
Once again, things that are really special don't even have to take that long.  A
short note or e-mail would have made my day.  Anyway, so I never got anything in
return for everything that I did for him.  Toward the end, he didn't even say
"Thank you" to my gifts anymore.  That's a horrible thing to do.  Don't ignore
her or the things she does for you.  For instance, I took the time out to leave
a note for my current boyfriend.  It didn't say anything mushy or anything; just
a simple "Hi!  How was your day?" sort of deal.  I ran into him at the gym later
that day while he was working out with one of his friends.  When I mentioned the
note, he sort of rolled his eyes and was like, "Yeah, that's nice".  Don't do
that.  Even if you want to be macho in front of your guy friends, it's totally
bitchy-ass to embarrass your girlfriend like that!  Remember, we see everything
(and also see a lot of things that you don't mean to do).  (Oh and now his
excuse was that he was dazed from working out ;P ).
 
Anniversaries are usually handled with each different person.  In my first
couple of relationships, we would always celebrate each month as it passed.  My
current BF and I don't really even have a set date that we started "going out"
or whatever.  It all depends on the combination, I suppose.  Special occasions
are really hard to generalize!  Every different special even has to be treated
in it's own way.  To that, all I have to say is good luck to you.

Relationships are very complicated and silly situations in general.  A good rule
to think about is that communication must remain open.  If something bothers
you, tell her about it.  More likely than not, she'll be happy to get the
positive criticism.  We all want to be the perfect girlfriend, and if you don't
give much guidance, we don't know where to go.  Same goes the other way around
though.  Unfortunately, guys can't read our minds, so games are pretty useless
(we just don't realize it until we become rational again).  Another thing that
guys should keep in mind is that you need to have a good female friend!  Usually
other females can translate the games pretty well...which is another argument
for lesbianism, but ah well.

Remember that these ideas are only ramblings of an insane, bitter mind (you guys
should know that by now)!  Each relationship is unique, so be sure to listen to
your girlfriend.  In many cases, these rules will be very wrong, but as far as
Snotty and her friends are concerned, these rules are pretty solid.  Good luck
with your endeavors!!  =P

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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
              "There's always room for disappointment." - Snotty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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                         GR33NY LIK3S mash3d p0tat03s
 
MORE THAN FIVE YEARS of ABSOLUTE CRAP!                         /---------------\
copyright (c) MCMXCVIII Snotty/GwD Publications                :FIGHT THE POWER:
copyright (c) MCMXCVIII GwD, Inc.                              :      GwD      :
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