
 '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
  ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
  ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #359 !!
  #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS!  !!
  ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
  ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The Jerry Springer Show"                !!
  ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Neko                               !!
 ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/19/98                                 !!
 !!========================================================================!!

 Crowd: WOOOOOOOO
 Jerry: Hello, thank you all for joining us today!
 Crowd: JERRY!  JERRY!  JERRY!
 Jerry: Thank you!  And thank you for going to see my movie, Ringmaster!
 Crowd: WOOOOO!
 Jerry: Thank you, thank you!  Let's meet our first guest, Tim.
        Hello, Tim!
   Tim: Hello, Jerry. It's a dubious honor to be on your show.
 Jerry: Heh, well, Tim, let's get to know you a little bit. You've been
        going out with <fumbles with notecard> Julia? for ... <fumbles,
        pushes up glasses>... 6 months now?
   Tim: Six of the happiest months of my life. 
 Jerry: How did the two of you meet?
   Tim: I always hung out at this posh Internet cafe called Octane. Julia
        frequented it as well.  We hit things off marvelously and things
        have gone uphill from there.
 Jerry: Do you love her?
   Tim: I love her with my entire soul, Jerry!  I'd jump in front of a
        bullet for her.  In fact <digs in pocket>, I have something for
        her.  <shows ring to camera>
 Jerry: Well, it sounds like the two of you are serious.  You know you're
        here today to hear something from Julia, so let's bring her out.

        <Julia walks out, crowd roars>

 Jerry: Hello Julia.
 Julia: Hi Jerry!  It's a pleasure to be here.  Did I mention I am a
        misunderstood artist?
 Jerry: That's great, Julia... Tim know you brought him on the show to
        tell him something, so I'll leave the two of you alone.
        <folds arms>

 Julia: Tim, we've been going out for awhile now...<scoots chair closer
        to Tim, holds his hands>
   Tim: You're right -- Julia, <pulls ring out of pocket> will you
        marry me?
 Julia: Umm, actually, ummm, ummm...
   Tim: What?  Is something wrong, hon?
 Julia: You see... you remember when I told you about my old boyfriend,
        Jason?
   Tim: Yeah, sure, he seemed like a pretty cool guy.
 Julia: Well, I started seeing him again.

        <Tim's jaw drops, scoots away from Juliam crowd booes initially
        at Julia, then cheers Tim>

   Tim: You...you...what!?@
 Julia: We've been seeing each other the past 2 months. We've been
        sleeping together, too.
   Tim: Fuck you, bitch. <Gets up and walks off stage>

        <cheers from the crowd>

 Jerry: Well, Julia. I guess he didn't take that very well.

        <laughter>

 Julia: I don't know what the problem is Jerry.  Jason is a nice guy, I
        think he and Tim will get along well.  Let's bring out Jason!

        <crowd booes>
        <Jason comes out, pulls Julia close and starts kissing her>

 Jason: Fuck you all, you don't know me!  You don't know what it's like!
        I'm a film maker!  I'm misunderstood!  My life is hard!

        <boo>
        <Tim returns, cheers>

   Tim: You're such a stupid bitch.  I can't believe I didn't see it
        sooner.
 Julia: Tiiiiim!  Don't say that!  I love you!
   Tim: But you're fucking this asshole?

        <Jason jumps up and runs towards Tim.  Tim holds his leg out and
         Jason trips. Crowd laughs.>

 Jerry: Jason, calm down and behave yourself.  Tim, how do you feel
        about this?
   Tim: Well, Jerry, I'm pretty damned surprised.  We've been going out
        for awhile, and, well, she's been getting kind of distant and
        weird lately, but I didn't see this coming.  How could you?
 Julia: I....I...I'm so misunderstood.  God, how can you not understand
        Tim?  My college art teacher hated my work!  I had to drop out!
        How can you be so insensitive to my needs??
   Tim: Are you fucking STUPID?  You were dating ME and you started
        FUCKING some other guy!  YOU DUMB BITCH!  How could I have been
        so stupid?

        <Julia cries, Jason looks dumbfounded>

 Jerry: Jason, how do you feel about taking Julia away from Tim?
 Jason: Jerry, you've got to understand -- Julia and I are both
        misunderstood artists.  Don't you see the beret I am wearing?
        You can't possibly understand what's going on in my head. I
        mean, last night I was sucking some guy's dick for 20 bucks!
        How low can one sink to be an artist?
 Julia: You, you what?

        <Tim laughs maliciously>

 Jason: I sucked cock to get money to take you out for breakfast.
        Jerry, do you know how hard it is to find a vegetarian
        restaurant in Chicago?
   Tim: Haha, we always had that trouble.  She's a fucking picky eater
        bitch.
 Julia: Tiiiim!  Why are you being so mean to me?
   Tim: YOU TORE MY HEART OUT ON TELEVISION WITH A FUCKING SPOON YOU
        GODDAMNED STUPID BITCH!  WHAT PART DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

        <Julia sobs>

   Tim: So, Jason, have you gotten to the sex part yet?
 Jason: Yeah, it's OK.
   Tim: For the first couple weeks, but then she starts losing interest.
        The only thing that kept me interested were her enormous breasts.
 Jason: Yeah, you're right.  They are enormous.  Other than that I don't
        think she has many redeeming qualities.  Physically.  Obviously
        we have an artistic connection you could never understand.
   Tim: I thought we had that, too, but in the last fifteen minutes I
        realized what a dumb bitch she is.
 Julia: <sob> How can you say this?  I hate both of you!
 Jerry: Let's take some questions from the audience...

 Large-breasted-tight-shirt girl-#1: If you're into breasts, check
        these out!

        <flashes stage>
        <Tim and Jason chuckle and clap, audience shouts JERRY JERRY JERRY>

 Large black woman #1: Y'all need ta stop what y'all be doin, cuz it
        don't lead to nowhere but trouble!

        <confused applause>

 Dorky looking artfag #1: This is a question for Julia -- so I guess
        you're done with both Tim and Jason after the show?
 Julia: <sob> Yes <sob>
  DLA1: Well, I'm free, see my beret?  I think we'd get along fine!
 Idiot: Julia, show us your tits!

        <chants of Jerry ensue, Julia just sobs>

 A Cool dude: Julia, I think you're a fucking bitch!  It's obvious Tim
              gave his all to you and you just trashed him on TV!  Fuck
              you, stupid hooker!

        <Tim and Jason laugh, audience applauds>

   Tim: Hey Jason, fuck this bitch. 
 Jason: I did.
   Tim: Heh, so did I.  Forget about that, let's get the hell out of
        here.

        <walks by Julia>

 Tim: Fuck you.

        <throws down mic>

 Jason: Fuck you.

        <follows Tim>

 Julia: <sob>
 Jerry: And now for my final thought -- When you're dating someone, make
        sure they're not a stupid bitch or you might end up on my show!
        HAHA!  Join us tomorrow for "The Bizarre Fetishes of Ezine
        Writers!"

        <applause, fade out>

 !!========================================================================!!
 !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!       #359 - WRITTEN BY: NEKO - 12/19/98 !!
