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               $$$$$P           $$$$   $$$$  moo, oink, up your butt.
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               $$$$$b  4$$$$$x  $$$$$$$$$$$        4$$$$$$$$$    %%

                          >> "POETRY EXPLOSION!" <<
                            by -> Various Artists

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

        This issue is jam-packed full of good, bad, funny, pointless,
 strange, and absolutely horrible verse... all for your reading pleasure!
 Can *you* tell which is brilliant and which is completely stupid?

        We DARE you.

        This issue features h0etry from the following authors:

        abc, aster, captain bovine, girlie18, hrothgar, jane, jook,
        jubjub, kaia, kraftwerk, kurdt, lumpy, melvin kumar, mogel,
        mooer, moonbagel, murmur, muze, neko, nevin, ogre de latoya,
        pezmonkey, quarex, sighrik, styx, swisspope, and trilobyte.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "The Evil Comes"
 - by abc (aster's brother!)

 When the evil comes,
 The good will run.
 Far from home,
 They are alone.

 They cross the great ocean far,
 To find a route towards a small star.
 A shark lays down its good life,
 To take out the King of Good's wife.

 They land at the northern shore,
 To find many tales of lore.
 The first is of a great king,
 The second telling of many things.
 The Wind, The Water, The Fire, The earth,
 And finally, above all, the tale of great birth.

 When the Evil first came,
 The Good fled to a new claim.
 They went west, then north,
 Then landed till Evil came forth.

 They waited one generation,
 Then the Evil started a new station.
 There soldiers filled the distant land,
 And the Good's journey began again.

 The Good will travel for many days, 
 Never stopping till the air grays.
 When the reach that stingy place,
 The Evil will kill them, leaving no trace. 

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "joe"
 - by aster

 Hi my name is joe
 I have no foe
 so call me moe
 I think I might 
 have an infected toe
 and when they complain
 about the rain
 I just say so?

 and yet they're 
 still insane
 or is it I
 that needs a cane
 to hold me up
 from the pain
 of that toe
 or is it moe?
 that drives me
 mentally insane

 My head is big 
 (so's my toe)
 I wish it would not grow
 tied it with a big red bow
 and wore some sandles
 to let it show
 and I decided to walk 
 down the lane
 in the rain
 and drives me 
 mentally insane

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "4 those who'll never know"
 - by girlie18

 WHO CAN TELL ME HOW TO FEEL
 WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT TO SEE
 THOSE WHO TRY
 TRY IN VAIN
 FOR THE ONLY EYES THAT
 TOUCH MY SOUL 
 ARE CLOSED TO HIDE THE PAIN

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "some things i'll never understand"
 - by girlie18

 i'm easily confused
 by human emotion
 its complex thoughts
 so much commotion
 just for once
 i'd want to know
 why i feel
 so damn low
 so someone teach me
 to get away
 have some fun
 seize the day
 lose my thoughts
 find myself
 exit from
 this private hell
 forget about the days gone by
 only know...
 don't ask why

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "Save Me"
 - by Hrothgar

 Save me
 From myself
 Take the knife
 And take the gun
 Turn around, and run
 Because if you come back.
 Who knows I might yack
 If you don't take the knife and run.

 There, I just wrote a poem for you, Mogel.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "A Poem"
 - by Jane (head editor of the e'zine "Seductive Monkey Poses" [SMP])

 when we live in a world
 where suicide is handed to us
 and love is so imposible to many
 death is also welcomed
 when power is craved
 because we think it will take us
 places the man standing behing you
 has never gone.
 no one cares if they love
 before they die.
 death is also welcomed in a world
 like this.
 when technology is the key
 to the future
 that is so much worse than the past
 in a world like this,
 living is considered dying.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "grrl = green pees"
 - by jook

 i werk all day on eyearecee
 to get de best warez
 so i can get my girl real nice green pees

 green pees, green pees
 i hear the horns
 i must be in vegas

 counting cards
 is it legal?
 just as long as i can get my girl real nice green pees

 i hear the rattle
 i must be back in 'nam
 they didn't give us pees in nam, not green or even blue

 but once i got back from 'nam
 i ate pees
 so did my girl, she ate real nice green pees

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "i gotta go"
 - by jubjub

 fish like to say glubglub
 fish are squishy in my pants
 they make me want to dance
 my schoolmate patrick has a big butt
 when i play miniature golf i like to putt
 time for a liverwurst sandwich 
 hillary clinton sure is a bitch (not really)

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "Varmints"
 - by Kaia

 Nuggy's daily life revolves round sippin' fruit tea 
 and weasel huntin', two pastimes common to the hooligans in town.  
 Cause down by the Heaven candy factory on Main, 
 the brewin' comp'ny offers eighty-three cent per weasel head 
 All in (secret) 
 One rumor is that the beer company uses weasel in its special brew. 
 I also heard the gestapo might be payin' off the beer factory to 
 help cut down on, you know, the town's bad rap for Dugster and
 his geetars that use weasel guts for strings.  But it's like, 
 What come first, the geetar or the egg?

 And so on Mondays we take our sacks of varmints and
 gather round the big door and pass 'em 
 one-by-one through the letter-slot,
 and they send back the dough through the same hole, 
 no questions ask.
 Then we hop over to Mungo's to pick up his candy, so 
 by the time we hit Heaven, man, it's like, 
 we livin' in Wonka-land, close your eyes and all
 the girls and the Ooompaloompas be dancin'!

 One day we decide to play a little joke and 
 after passin' all the weasel through the hole we 
 stick a fucking neon light-stick through and 
 follow it wit' some Cheese Whiz and there's no reaction.
 So we take turns takin' a piss through the door and 
 Harvey can force himself to puke so he did that 
 and the smell was so bad that 
 three more of us puked through the door 
 and then Crisco stuffed in pictures of 
 his ex-girlfriend who broke all ten commandments at once 
 and then
 we
 stopped
 and ran for dear life.

 We ran to Mungo's and 
 he gave us the candy and 
 we continued running and 
 we were running into lightpoles and 
 running on top of each others' tails and
 the weasels were on our tails and 
 we became weasels and 
 it began raining raisins and 
 books became crooks and the suns became guns and i felt myself being shot
 and scooped up and dead and shoved through a hole crusted with fur and
 piss and vomit and ex-girlfriends' snatches and then i felt my head being
 liquefied and my brains were poured into a brown glass bottle and shipped
 to New Jersey, where all the wild zings are.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "Ode to Hooker"
 - by Kraftwerk

 Oh hooker, H is for the happiness you bring us.

 Oh hooker, O is for the obfuscation that you cause us.

 Oh hooker, O is for the op's that you give us.

 Oh hooker, K is for the k-rad way in which you give us your love.

 Oh hooker, E is for the endearment that you have in our hearts.

 Oh hooker, R is for the rainy days that you make brighter.

 Oh hooker, you have a special place in our hearts.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "an aardvark meets the pope"
 - by kraftwerk

 the aardvark crawled slowly through the night
 and the people, they were absorbed with fright

 it waddled over to the giraffe
 and it asked "can I stick this in your ass"

 not waiting for an answer
 the aardvark started to prancer

 it shoved a stick up it's butt
 and calmly said, "now I go to put"

 so the aardvark went to the green
 where it was waiting to be seen

 it took up a putter
 and put on a crupper

 being so lazy, it sat on the grass
 he heard the bell toll "it was time for mass"

 he sat on the pew
 drinking his Dew

 along came the pope, 
 with some soap on a rope

 he went up to the cross
 and bellowed that god was 'boss'

 the service was done
 and the aardvark was dumb

 for the giraffe came and found him
 and pulled the stick out of his ass

 he danced a quick jig
 and ate a big fig

 it stepped on the aardvark
 said something like "fart fart"

 and sat down for a nap.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "mockery"
 - by kurdt

 i don't wonder why anyone makes fun of what goes on here,
 but i've got the common sense to not even waste my time,
 making fun of what goes on here

                        *in fact*

 i wouldn't waste my time making fun of you,
 for making fun of what goes on here.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "Ode to Shadow Tao"
 - by lumpy

 When you kick me out of your internet relay chat channel,
 And im forced to come back from a different hostname,
 and ask you why youre such an angry little man,
 you always get fed up and start cursing...
 and it makes me wonder if when you were a little boy,
 kids would poke fun at you and make you cry,
 because mister tao, when you kick me off of irc,
 i no longer feel like the irc warrior ive always
 aspired to be.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "Very Painful"
 - by Melvin Kumar (this little gem was discovered by mooer!)

 Acting strange, 
 thats what i am,
 when i am with you,
 I want you,
 I need you,
 I can't show it to you,
 I yearn for you,
 I say i want to kiss you
 we both laugh and tease 
 but my heart yearns for that kiss...
 those sweet lips...
 I feel so happy when you're near me....
 I act so diffrent..I feel so differnt...
 I need you but I can't have you...
 If i had a last dance with you....
 I won't....I won't.....
 It hurts....
 ti kills....
 to remember the last moments...
 I know...
 I've being there...
 Do you know....
 I'm dying for you....
 If only you know...
 Actor as I am...
 Nights pass by...
 but never a day..
 without me thinking of you..
 Why?
 You're unreachable...
 I know then...
 I know now...
 I love You.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "my baby's got sauce"
 - by mooer (dedicated to eerie!)

 when you put your feet in my mouth up on the desk
 the urgency of cezanne's angst eats fibers out of the air
 what, pray tell has bulbous tumors of rot have
 in store for me to buy like a gunshot to the head with a baby flashlight

 and so, you say that you have millions of years to hear my story
 well, babydoll, you ain't got that funk up your arm 
 chills, short sleeves can't hide shit

 the papal turbine of hate churns out smooth butter
 to grease you up and slide you out like
 sugar on the cupcake

 and that is why the dryer is a wetter.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "i think i lost steam on the second one"
 - by mooer (dedicated to two stuffed bunnies!)

 tears of anger hunger like the desert cactus on a camel
 your kantian disinterest makes my smile melt 
 falling into the robust yogurt culture of the tribe

 trivialize my hurt, laugh at my pain, you asshole
 you might as well rip my right tentacle into two parts
 of the play i call the act of my life

 bite the fuzzy wavelength that makes the bored spin around in 
 a violent circle the blood swirls.  shallow
 pirates make way in the deep waters of my caribbean soul.

 nevertheless, your birthday does not excuse the rubber
 on your head.  quit bouncing.
 fornicate in the crib, it's the
 shit.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "My Third Grade Genius"
 - by MoonBagel

 There once was a bird named Fred
 He fell out of his nest on his head
 He was severely brain damaged
 He had to be bandaged
 That stupid old bird named Fred

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "Don't Eat The Paste"
 - The Original
 - by Captain Bovine

 i changed me web page
 but then I was awoken by VERY LOUD METALICA
 i think my sister did it
 silly girls

 I can rhyme
 even though it's kinda wacked because I forgot to change some small things
 'mono' in Spanish means 'cute' and 'monkey'
 Kierkegaard was Danish
 naughty

 i'm the only one who finds me funny
 they used to make me feel stupid, but they don't anymore
 sex does that to people
 it's hard to do

 we should talk about cute things and monkeys
 we'll start when I think of something good to say
 it's hard to do
 I can speak crap better than I can type crap

 you are so silly. mean and silly.
 ooh, maybe I get to watch you crash
 reboot!!
 you're good for other things
 pOOp
 and cookies
 and a keyboard condom

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "Don't Eat The Paste"
 - The "Don't Cut with Scissors, Mooniegirlwhoiscool?" Remix
 - by MoonBagel

 we'll start when I think of something good to say

 no.. i'd use protection
 silly girls

 I can rhyme
 i don't know who to put that I love, katie.
 i changed me web page
 i think my sister did it
 i'm the only one who finds me funny
 I can speak crap better than I can type crap

 'mono' in Spanish means 'cute' and 'monkey'
 and a keyboard condom
 because I really shouldn't attempt to draw a monkey
 we should talk about cute things and monkeys

 ooh, maybe I get to watch you crash

 Kierkegaard was Danish
 sex does that to people
 and cookies
 even though it's kinda wacked because I forgot to change some small things
 it's hard to do

 naughty

 it's a funny word

 but then I was awoken by VERY LOUD METALICA

 Drew's not on?

 they used to make me feel stupid, but they don't anymore
 you're good for other things
 you are so silly. mean and silly.

 reboot!!

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "Don't Eat The Paste"
 - The "Samsara Maybe Never" Remix
 - by Mogel

 naughty naughty naughty
 they used to make me feel
 because i really shouldn't
 when i think of something good.
 ooh, maybe i get to watch you
 watch you
 it's hard to do
 i forgot to change.

 sex does that to people. silly girls.

 i can rhyme,
 it's kinda wacked.
 I was awoken by VERY LOUD METALICA and cookies,
 it's a funny word...

 you are so _silly_. mean and silly.
 the only one who finds me funny.

 ooh, maybe I get to watch you
 I get to watch you
 I get to watch
 maybe I get to watch you
 maybe I get to watch
 get to watch you
 maybe I get to watch you

 ...crash.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "Don't Eat The Paste"
 - The "Wanna Go Home Bad" Remix
 - by Nevin, a 8-year-old boy that Mogel's parents are babysitting right now.

 Kierkegaard pOOp sex Kierkegaard
 when I think of Kierkegaard pOOp sex Kierkegaard maybe I can rhyme
 but it's hard to do
 anyway you're good for other things anyway 

 Kierkegaard
 we'll start when I think silly girls shouldn't attempt to draw silly girls

 I love Spanish sisters who finds me funny and 'cute'
 because I can speak crap better,
 even though it's kinda wacked
 no.. i'd use me web page when I think of something good to say.
 I can type crap.

 katie and Drew: make naughty cookies and reboot!!

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "may ye all be leahy"
 - by murmur (a villanelle, even)

 i do not have to heed the words you preach
 but i will not deny your right to say
 you best not try to regulate my speech

 you try to educate; you try to teach
 but exon, d - nebraska, joined the fray
 we do not have to heed the words they preach

 to jail me for the files that i leech
 is just your quest; my rights to rest you lay
 you should not try to regulate my speech

 we can not see the wit of chong and cheech?
 we can not hear the streat-smart speak of dre?
 why should we aim to heed the words you preach?

 i can not send the lyrics file for _bleach_
 the sys admin will not allow today
 why do they try to regulate our speech?

 our rights as citizens you choose to breach
 closed-mindedness is forcing us to pay
 but i won't heed the words the law does preach
 oh no, you will not regulate my speech.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "buenos sartenes"
 - by murmur

 !cuando te veo                          ( when i see you
 no puedo hablar, pero                    i can not speak, but
 deseo que poder!                          i wish that i could! )

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "I Confess"
 - by Muze

 I confess to being a girl
	for being so stupid
	for not doing as I should
 I confess to not thinking of you
	for changing my mind
	for saying I'm sorry
 I confess to falling in love
	for needing you here
	for not letting you go
 I confess to struggling for my best effort
	for it not being enough for you
	for giving up on myself.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "God's Pee"
 - by Neko

 Kickin' it old school
 In a swimming pool
 Bust a fucking jam
 Make all the punk ass suckers drool
 Like back in the day
 When Naughty by Nature sang
 Hip hop hurray
 Looking for porn
 at 3 in the morn
 Tugging and jerking
 Eating some gherkins
 that I bought at the store
 from my bitch, she's a whore
 Surfing on the net
 My pants is all wet
 And this rap is boring
 And the rain is pouring
 Down on me
 Yo, is rain really God's pee?

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "Ogre's Brain"
 - by Ogre De Latoya

 #include <ogresbrain.h>

 void main (void)
 {
   int food;
   int sleep;
   int fun;
   long sight;
   long sound;
   long touch;
   long taste;

   while (!dead) {
     if (food < HUNGRY)
       getfood(&food);

     if (sleep < SLEEPY)
       getsleep(&sleep);

     if (fun < BOREDOM)
       getfun(&fun);

     sight = checkvision();

     if (sight == SUCKS)
       printf("That sucks.\n");
     else
       printf("That rocks.\n");

     sound = checkhearing();

     if (sound == SUCKS)
       printf("This sucks, change it.\n");
     else
       printf("This rocks.\n");

     taste = checktongue();

     if (taste == SUCKS) {
       spitout(food);
       printf("Eeew\n");
     } else {
       swallow(food);
       printf("Werd\n");
     }
   }
 }

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "my uncle"
 - by pezmonkey

 it's all about sex
 says my uncle
 because he likes sheep
 a lot.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "HAIKUS THAT QUAREX WROTE IN 3RD GRADE"
 - by Quarex

 The Fluffy Puppy
 Smashes Hard into a Tree
 Hee Hee Hee, it's Dead

 The Big Snowball Fight
 The Weak Guys are Getting Slammed
 People are Dying

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 "Accidental Merge"
 by Quarex

 Eggrolls and Broomsticks and Forebones on Narwhals
 Reload that shotgun and pick up those snowballs
 This is the future of combat
 This is the third bloated wombat
 Drop a lemur
 Break your femur
 Shattering bones is my cup of tea.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "a light in the darkness"
 - by sighrik

 waves of electrons, waves of emotion
 irc is an island and i am a boat--

        sinking

 water flooding in flooding flooding
 sinking flooding flooding sinking

        dying

 and then there's a beacon like another
 boat--not sinking--floating--coming

        saving

 a voice in the waste coming clearly
 "hi i'm a bot.  god invited me here."

        salvation

 like jesus christ out of the ocean
 the bot that likes you was there

        noppa

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "open wide"
 - by styx

 you little shit
 your words are like precum
 slow and incomplete
 and ineffective
 i look forward to you
 bleeding on my dick when i
 introduce it to your
 colon
 it will be fast and complete
 and effective
 and will make you walk like a
 retarded little duckling
 and all the boys in school will
 ask you why you are
 walking like that
 and you will have to say
 that you fell off your bike
 or something
 funny like that you
 little shit
 you can never own up
 to anything not even
 justice

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "My First Sexual Encounter"
 - by Swiss Pope

 The study session for math was coming to a close,
 I packed up my books and from my chair I rose.
 Pushing back my glasses, I spot something from the corner of my eye,
 What's this?!, me thinks, it's a bonnie lass that I spy!

 Mustering up my courage, I approach the desk where she sits,
 "Would you like a ride home?" I stutter in my nervousness.
 She looks up at me with her big brown eyes,
 "Hmm.. Allright" she says with a sigh.

 Leading her through the door, we trudge to my car.
 With a wink, I assure her that my Camaro is not far.
 Her eyes light up and she pulls to me closer.
 "I really admire a man whose car is something to show for."

 She hops into the backseat and caresses the leather interior.
 Shifting into first gear, I demonstrate that the acceleration's superior.
 Faster! she squeals as I cruise down the street,
 When the speedometer hit 70 I knew I was in for a treat.

 I felt her hands as she ran them through my hair,
 Then she unbuttoned her blouse and revealed her nice pair.
 "Damn! This chick's titties are fine!" I think, keeping my cool.
 The car sped up even faster as we listened to Tool.
 This was a dream of a lifetime for me, the 300-lb fat guy loner,
 There was a hot chick on my lap, stroking my boner!
 She looked into my eyes; lustfully licked her lips
 I smoothly slid my hands on her curveaceous hips.

 She softly whispered something into my ear,
 Unfortunately, the music was too loud for me to hear.
 Nonetheless, I knew it was something good
 So I slipped my hand down her pants and touched her clitoral hood.

 She kept rubbing my dick-- my nut was gonna bust!
 That would surely be the end of this evening of lust!
 I took a quick right turn; pulled into a gas station nearby,
 For I knew that the herb Ginseng would be found inside.

 "Wait here!" I said as I zipped up my pants,
 I ran into the store after giving her one last glance.
 Through the aisles I frenzied, anxiously looking for the magical root
 That would guarantee at least one more hour until my sperm would shoot.

 When out in the parking lot I heard a deafening roar
 That bitch peeled out in my red sports car!
 I ran outside and chased her for a couple of yards,
 But I knew that all was lost. I was such a tard.

 A wino approached me and laughed.  As if my ordeal was funny!
 Like a philosopher he said, "Life ain't nuttin but bitchez 'n money."

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "god's green platter"
 - by trilobyte

 eat your coffeecake, wafers and wine
 as insects hide between the lines.
 long since dead, but corpses remain --
 reminders of ancient social strain.

 take from the plate what is given to you
 ignore what the world has been trying to prove
 stray from the flock but in a minute or two
 you'll promptly be shoved back into the groove.

 so dish out shit for whom you serve.
 drink your coffee and spread your word.
 but be aware that some observe
 your food still reeks of age-old turd.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "peace & happy"
 - by trilobyte

 another cuddly judge makes life miserable
 for a scraggly, prickly individual
 who was trying for peace & happy.

 supreme powers metamorph to belittle
 with the backing of the pope and the law.
 it's the end of justice, end of happy for us all!

 time to run from the mystic
 for he's the one with the not-dead goo,
 blasphemic divine intentions,
 stinky foul breath from ages of spewing
         poisonous elastic jargon.

 walk in the park and
 endlessly changing directions --
 right, wrong, left, north --
 with the compass of a corpse
    -- and the morals of a convict
 and friends follow closely behind!

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "punishment to the wine drinkers"
 - by trilobyte

 still open to suggestions?
 it's time to change your mind.

 from one percent to two percent
 you're lurking in the rain
 with parachutes and combat boots
 you microwave my shame.

 for seven years i've left the corn
 to rot out in the dew;
 but still i don't kill chickens
 when they doodoo in my shoe.

 come in, the part that doesn't rhyme
 to fill some empty space.
 the reader of this horrid poem
 should now prepare their mace!

 iggly gobbly goo,
 juniper grows with the yew.
 trees have lots of leaves to keep
 some shade for my old jew.

 because

 how once you ate my dignity
 the gull will never know.

 but he will get real fidgety
 if frozen in the snow!

 nonsense is but glue to me
 (your shoe has come untied)
 so i plead for my lobotomy
 to end this crazy ride.

 hide!

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 - "stove top"
 - by trilobyte

 this is entitled "stove top."           minimalist version

 put your chicken on the pan             chicken on the pan 
 with some stove top stuffin'.           stove top stuffing
 runnin from the law with                        running from the law
 your easy-bake oven.                    easy bake oven
 i don't understand who                  who, what, where
 could beat you like a muffin'           beat up muffin
 when all you're tryin' to do                    you do
 is to spread a little lovin'.                   spread love.

 my friends 'n me been tryin'            we try hard
 to get you out free                             to play
 but our dice-throwin' skills                    monopoly
 ain't what they used to be                      but we suck
 so skedaddle over here                  so come here
 and slop up some grease                 help us
 cuz livin' ain't easy when                      we're dying
 you're dealin' with POLICE.             of death.

 hey dj, cut the bass.             

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
 * (c) HoE publications.  HoE #199 -- written by Various Artists -- 1/26/98 *
