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  ==================================|__|=========================(gh/cia)=====

                  jonas - issue twelve - october eighth, 1995
     jonas is produced roughly monthly by edicius.  copyrighted by edicius,
      it may be freely redistributed as long as this copyright noticed is
   included within the file.  oh; make sure you don't charge people for this,
                                 either, dummy.

  ============================================================================

        well if you're friends with pee % then you're friends with me
        if you're down with pee % then you're down with me
        % the rentals (weezer side-project) % 'friends with pee'

  ============================================================================

  -+ edicius' editorial +-
  -+ written by the funk-e master<bater>, edicius +-

        it's been awhile, howdy.

        welcome to jonas, issue 12.  its been a long time since i've released
 an issue of jonas.  reason for this being that i had this crazy notion that i
 might be able to convert jonas, the electronic issue, to a paper 'zine. hah.
 well, not quite.  i'm gonna put that side project on hold for alittle bit. i'm
 doing good in school for once, i don't have too much money, and i actually
 have a life now.  so, if/when jonas goes paper, it won't be until early '96 at
 the earliest.

        but edi!  we want to see jonas in a different print matter!@

        "fuggoff."

         i also decided to change the format a bit.  the whole coding bit was
 getting a bit out of hand.  it was too much trouble to gather all of the work,
 and then code it all.  bah.  its easier to copy it all into one 'uge text
 file.  :)  in case you're wondering, the fact that the 'zine looks a tad bit
 like the way pEz monthly used to look, and sorta how dto looks now. well, it
 was and wasn't on purpose.  i looked at a variety of 'zines out there, pulled
 the best characteristics out of them, and combined them into this.  don't yell
 at me or anything because you think i ripped your 'zine, b0tch.

        what else is on the agenda?  well.  oh, the world head quarters.
 that pesky little thing.  aneurysm, our former whq, went down.  so, i
 scowered the area far and wide (well, not really, i only call 3 boards), and
 decided to give belial's board, avalon, the world head quarters position.

        wait a sec; belial?  avalon?  warez i hear that before?

        you probably heard of it if you ever read klunk.  its belial's zine.
 pretty good one at that.

        give avalon a call, the number is at the end of the editorial.  there
 is a jonas sub-menu located just off of the matrix.  better yet, you can
 always make an account on there.  (good board.  a helluva lot of text files
 (i should know, i uploaded them all :).. ), 300-2400 baud _only_, with 5
 disk drives on-line, running waffle.)

        so, now that's cleared up.  i don't believe there is anything else
 noteworthy, as far as jonas goes.  i believe this new 'era' of jonas should
 be pretty good, in my opinion.  the looks of this issue, so be it small, it
 should be good.  (hey, i actually wrote alot of stuff this issue.  isn't
 that a shocker? :> )

        in case you are wondering, jonas 13 should be out about the 13th of
 november.  don't bug me for it until then.  (13 on the 13th?  eerie.  thats
 a julbilee.)

        time to go.  see you later, 'net dweebs.

 elyte edi.

 [------]

        jonas can be reached via the following methods:

        electronic mail - belial@raven.cybercomm.net
        bulletin board system - whq; avalon, (908) 739/4274
         -+ create a new account or use the guest account;
         -+ name: jonas / pw: guest (log on via the matrix jonas option)
        voice mail system - (800) 314/8885, box - 585
        web page - coming soon, probably.

  ============================================================================

  -+ "we the jury, find the defendant orethal james simpson.." +-
  -+ written by edicius +-

        know what?  i don't know about you, but i'm pretty much sick of the
 whole oj trial.  thank god its over.

        the trial can be called a slap on the judicial system of america.  it
 can be used to show how bad our country is right now; but it doesn't matter.
 our judicial system has been made fun of numerous times in the past, and
 this won't be the last case of it.  we've weathered it this far, we'll
 weather it again.

        anyhoot, back to my original point;

        you get a high profile case -- william kennedy smith, mike tyson, the
 menedez brothers, hell, even the lindbergh case back in the 30's -- and the
 media has a field day.  why?  because the person that has been put up on a
 pedistal, with people just waiting for them to fall down.   the minute they
 fall down, the police, prosecution, and news media are all there.

        we create the idols.  we create their enviroment.  then, we wonder why
 they fall.  we wonder why they did what they did; be it rape, murder, or
 anything else.  after the celebrity gets convicted, or aquitted, only then do
 people say how bad our country is, how bad the judicial system is, and that
 we need to reform.  the key thing is; our country has been in a pile of shit
 for a long time now, but no one realizes that fact.  the media doesn't cover
 very many trials like they did with the oj simpson trial.

             "quick!  where are those damn menedez kids?"  -- cnn
             ====================================================

        speaking of the news media.  i feel bad for the television stations,
 in a way.  cnn totally rearranged their daily scheduale to air the trial in
 its entirety.  granted, cnn gained alot of ratings because of the trial, but
 now what?  most tv-news stations have 'expert legal analysists', specifically
 for the trial.  i turn on espn, of all stations, and see that they even have
 a legal expert.  (granted; i know oj is a big sports star, and that espn
 should have covered it like they did, but a espn trial analyst?  not
 something i'd be proud of on my resume.)

        we live in a society where all we like to see is other people's
 misery. if i was judge lance ito, i would have never even let the cameras in
 the courtroom in the first place.  thats what killed the whole trial.  for
 christ's sake, that was a trial that could decide the future for oj simpson.
 had he been found guilty, he would be in prison.  we, as a country, went too
 far in the whole thing.

        t-shirts, bumperstickers, songs, courtroom tv analysts -- everything
 was imaginable with this trial.  it just went too damn far.  we never should
 have let the cameras in, in the first place.

        just to show you how big this trial actually was, here's an example.
 in my school, we have a cable system, in which we have a small news show in
 the morning with the daily announcments, instead of reading them over the pa
 system.  (before that comes on; we also air "channel one", a news program
 specifically for schools.  some of you reading this may be familar with it.)

        anyway;

        at one o'clock, when the verdict was to be read, the school thought
 it would appease the students, and play a radio broadcast of the trial via
 the television system.  the period which i would be in at one o'clock,
 happened to be history.  i had a big test that period, which i was quite
 anxious to get at.

        at the beginning of class, my teacher says that he won't be turning
 on the tv because of the test.  kids respond with the usual jeers to him,
 saying stuff like, "but c'mon!  we have to watch it!  this is history in the
 making, man!"  i was fine with it, i personally didn't really care to listen
 to the verdict.  i would be content with finding out the verdict fifteen
 minutes later, after i take my test.

        but no, the kids keep yelling, "we want to see the verdict!"  i was
 real pissed off, their yelling and childish bickering, was taking away the
 precious time that i needed to take my test.  to top it all off, one kid in
 my class says, "we need to watch the trial.  i have $250 riding on the
 descion!"

        wait a sec; so lemme get this straight.  you're betting, whether or
 not a normal, innocent human being, is guilty of murdering two people?
 you're betting on wheter he will be going to jail for the rest of his life,
 or not? that's insane.  i'm sure you also hang around the county courthouse
 betting on the drunk driver sentences, too.  asshole.

        thats one thing that pissed me off the most.

        anyway, bickering ends, i take my test, the teacher caves in and puts
 the tv on for a few minutes, and lets us hear the verdict.  i almost don't
 finish because of all their bickering after the verdict is announced.
 fucking assholes don't let me concentrate.

        the oj trial was a mockery, yes; the oj trial taught us a lesson, yes
 and no.  it did show us how bad our judicial system can be, it also showed us
 how bad the media can be, but did we learn from that?  nope.  next big name
 trial, let's see if we don't do to them, what we did with oj.

 [------]

        oh; in case you wonder, did oj _really_  do it?  nope.  i don't think
 so.  fred goldman did it, i'm sure.

  ============================================================================

  -+ nato and the serbs +-
  -+ written by superdave +-

        this one is a wee bit out of date.  i originally got it sometime in
 early september, but its written really well, i just can't let it go to
 waste. thanks to superdave for an excellent article.

 [------]

        if you haven't been living in a cave, or the ansi scene for the past
 year or so, you'd know about the contraversy over in europe.  if you have
 been living in a show, here's a little summary of the current events.  just
 behind the boot of italy there is a country called bosnia.  it's capital,
 sarajevo, was attacked and conqured by  rebel serb  forces -- about a year
 or two ago. as usual  the united nations stepped in to help the people of
 bosnia (this is, of course, after the killings and the famine had come to
 the eyes of the world). as pictures of injured and decapatated people came
 into the news and everyday paper, people were outraged. of course the french
 had to strike off thier jobs, and the united states had to insist of
 helping.

        until about three weeks ago, the entire un involvement in bosnia was
 a peaceful effort to supply bosnian citizens with food, water, aid and
 shelter. there had been a few isolated incidents where rebel serbs had
 attacked, and blocked access to un trucks and personal.  since the early
 pictures and stories that we have recieved from bosnia, there have been
 countless shellings of the capitol, sarajevo.  the most recient
 attact/shelling was an open air market in down town sarajevo.  this barbaric
 and random act of violence forced the united nations to launch what the
 world has pleaded for since the begining. nato air strikes. the command was
 sent down to protect the people of bosnia, protect the un safe zones, and to
 send a message that the rest of the world is not a paper tiger (in other
 words, empty threats -- like the united states prior to wwii).  the strikes
 were also to a certian form of "punnishment" as a united nations rep told
 reporters, for the shelling of sarajevo.

        royal air force harrier fighters left their base in gioia del colle,
 italy, and abord the uss roseavelt around the 1st.  thier mission was to
 take out key serb military buildings, and supply houses (much like the
 bombings of baghdad).  many targets such as ammunition supply houses,
 surface to air missle sites, and "heavy artillery" were destroyed in the
 first string of attacks.  the attacks were declaired as a victory, but for
 who? the citizens of bosnia?  the united nations? the world's concie(sp)?

        unfortanuately, like life, something went wrong.  a french fighter
 was shot down by a shoulder launched, heat seaking missile.  i read an
 article saying that a farmer with an old natzi pistol witnessed the plane
 crash, and captured the french pilot.  as his story goes, 5 minutes later an
 armored jeep belonging to the serb army came down in search of the downed
 pilots. the farmer handed them over, and hasn't heard anything since.  the
 rebel serbs have not disclosed their knowledge about the two missing pilots,
 but the have encriminating remarks, sticking the united nation's with a
 tough decision (and of course, the french outraged :).

        the un set a deadline for the troops and heavy equipment covering the
 perimiter of sarajevo's "safe zone" to move.  on the 5th of september, that
 deadline had expired,  and the air strikes were renewed.  the losses to the
 rebel serbs was aparently too great, so they moved some of their 300
 artillery pieces, tanks and other heavy weapons more than 12« miles outside
 of sarajevo. what they moved was far short of all their heavy artillery.
 this was considered noncompliance, so their punnishment was more airstrikes.
 in reply to this, a bosnian serb general military commander said, "no one,
 not even myself has the right to order the withdrawal. this is... not in the
 jurisdiction of generals."  needless to say, they're pissed.

        this is where we are.  this situation resembles much of the battle<s>
 over palstien, where the serbs are the arabs returning to their holy land.
 is history doomed to repeat it's self here? will the united nations decide
 it's their buissness to deploy ground troops, and wipe out the rebel serbs?
 what does the ec doing to help? what will become of this lavish area just
 inside of europe?

        that's enough intelectual stimulation for today. :)

  ============================================================================

 -+ hey adults!@ +-
 -+ from edi's log file +-

        jesus, i'm just going log file happy today:

              ÖÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ÄÒÄÄÄÄ¿ Ò     Â Ò       ÖÄÄÒÄÄ¿ ÖÄÄÄÄÄ¿
              º     ³  º    ³ º     ³ º          º    º
              ÇÄÄÄÄÄ´  º    ³ º     ³ º          º    ÓÄÄÄÄÄ¿
              º     ³  º    ³ º     ³ º          º          ³
              Ð     Á ÄÐÄÄÄÄÙ ÓÄÄÄÄÄÙ ÐÄÄÄÄÄÙ    Ð    ÓÄÄÄÄÄÙ


            STOP BY AND SAY HELLO TO   LINDA   OUR NEW CO-SYSOP


           SHE IS HOSTING OUR TALK DIRTY TO ME CONFERENCE  #69


         PLEASE MAKE HER FEEL AT HOME. SHE IS FAIRLY NEW TO THE AREA,

        AS WELL AS BBSING. I THINK YOU WILL FIND HER STORIES  HOT!!!!

                       ÒÄÄ¿ ÖÄÄ¿  ÄÂÄ ÖÄÄ¿ Ò  Â Ò
                       ÇÄ   º  ³   ³  º  ³ ÓÄÄ´ º
                       ÐÄÄÙ Ð  Á ÓÄÙ  ÓÄÄÙ ÓÄÄÙ o

  ============================================================================

  -+ warez the paper jonas edi? +-
  -+ answered by edicius +-

        well.  i'm putting off releasing jonas as a paper 'zine for alittle
 bit, probably untill early '96.  'why?' you ask, read on silly wanker honky
 boy.

        the reason is simple.  for once, in a few years, i am getting good
 grades in school.  i'm actually working hard, joining clubs and stuff, and
 studying.  i've got more 95's and 100's in the first 3 weeks of school, then
 i got all of last year.  with all of the clubs i'm doing, too, my weekday
 scheduale is pretty packed.  any 3 days a week i'm staying after school for
 various stuff.  i'm actually partcipating in school activities.

        another reason, you want?  well, i also have a lack of funds.  in
 december i turn 16.  then, i will get a job, earn some money, and have
 enough financial backing to get the neccasary stuff for the 'zine, and i
 will also be settled into enough of a routine at school, that i can work on
 jonas more.

        see, silly?  answer your question?

  ============================================================================

  -+ celebrity stalking for fame and fortune +-
  -+ written by edicius +-

        so, you wanna be a stalker?  you can stalk anyone, but you won't get
 the real fame until you stalk the celebrities.  no one cares if you stalk
 your 16 year old ex-girlfriend.  nope-nope.  you need to stalker someone
 famous.  celebrity stalkers get all the chicks.  here's a simple step by step
 guide to celebrity stalking:

 o. step one: find you victim.  don't pick someone at random, you need a
    reason to pick this person.  pick someone in power, someone that can
    easily influence other people, if need be.  musicians and people in
    government are both real good places to start.

    you can either pick someone you really like or someone you really hate.
    it doesn't matter, stalkers pick both.  just remember; pick someone big,
    someone powerful.

 o. send them mail.  lots of it.  in the electronic age, this is easier then
    ever, with more people having email addresses.  send them lots of it.
    get a script, and send them hundreds of pieces of mail an hour.  if you
    can, time it so they won't find out about it for a few days, that way
    they have alot of mail to delete.  if they're on compuserve, they have to
    pay for all the mail they recieve after a set amount.  haha.  paying for
    their own harassment.

    if you're going to send regular mail, write lots of it.  make photocopies
    of really gross and disgusting pictures.  send them so much mail.  you
    will have to pay for postage, but so what?  its in the name of being a
    stalker, its all worth it.

    now: here's some addresses to help you out:

        courtney love                   trent reznor
        171 lake washington blvd east   10050 cielo drive
        seattle, wa 98112               los angeles, ca

        70277.2502@compuserve.com      rush limbaugh
        71511.460@compuserve.com       ross perot
        73136.3232@compuserve.com      roger ebert (the fat one)
        76326.126@compuserve.com       pat buchanan
        mmbstn@aol.com                 mighty mighty bosstones
        Bosstone10@aol.com             dickey barret (mmb)
        gregg@badreligion.com          bad religion (not sure about this one)
        Weezer999@aol.com              weezer!@(
        LesClPool@aol.com              Les Claypool (Primus)
        Lerlelonde@aol.com             Ler, the bastard (Primus)
        billg@microsoft.com            billy g money gates

        (i got these from a variety of sources.  thanks to them all :>)

 o. now, find out where they live.  in some cases, this is easier then
    others. if you live in new york city, you're in the vincinity of
    mega-stars.  just go and walk around, you're bound to see some, then
    follow them home.  easy, eh?  (i know where madonna lives, ner ner.)

    if you live in kentucky, well, you're out of luck.  no one really stalks
    country music stars.  :>  but don't give up!  think airline tickets,
    train tickets, station wagon road trip!

    now, you go to their house, and repetedly, three to eight times a week,
    break into their house.  if they're not there, steal their stuff.  you
    can make quite a hefty profit hauking their stuff on the corner to
    whinos. steal undergarments, there alot of perverse people out there that
    are always looking for them, thus, a bigger profit.  make a mess, piss on
    the way, make sure they know you were there, and make sure they know that
    its the same person breaking in to their house time after time.

    if they are home, well, go to the next step.

 o. kill them.  yes, thats right, kill them.  but not before torturing and
    raping them beforehand.  make them do weird things; for the musician,
    have them release a cd in your honor.  have all the procedes from the cd
    go to you, and you only.  no money-grubing managers here, eh-yup.

    make sure you kidnap them first tho, and make sure you leave alot of
    ransom notes, each pointing in a different direction, as far as clues go.
    make demands for awkward things.  in the first note, you demand that all
    south amazonian river monkies be freed from oppression.  second note,
    demand a monkey fur hat.  let you mind flow on this one.

    make sure the method in which you kill them in really bizarre.  shot
    them. not with a gun, fire shoulder-propelled rockets at them.  make a
    big X in their stomach, and aim for that.  odds are, no matter where you
    hit them, there won't be much left over.

    after you kill them, dice them up in 'bite-sized' bits, and hauk them to
    whinos on the corner.  if bras and underware fetch a good bit of lettuce,
    then imagine what the _actual celebrity_ will get.  good, eh?

 [------]

        if you followed these steps, you're guarenteed fame from the media
 (like they would let something like this slip by), fortune after you write
 your book and after you sell the movie rights, and a very promising life
 behind bars.

  ===========================================================================

  -+ aRE eWE a pUNX? +-
  -+ from the capture files of edicius +-

        green day has a new album, insomnia, coming out.  eeck.  more stuff
 for those big time radio stations to play.  (that song, _geek stink breath_,
 or whatever, sounds alot like everything on dookie -- sucky.)

        speaking of green day, i found this one on a local mbbs board.

 Ok, here's the info for Green Day...

 Real Name:  Tre Cool                    Sex: M  Age: 18
 Aliases: Billie Joe, Mike
 City/State: nj
 Voice Phone#: unlisted
 Physical Description: earings, chains, green hair(dyed), your average punk
 Comp. Phone#: unlisted                  Online Service: none
 Favorite Movie: american graffiti       Favorite TV Show: mtv
 Favorite Music: punk rock               Instrument Played: drums, guitar
 Favorite Foods: green eggs
 Favorite Sport: moshing
 Other Hobbies/Interests: playing the drums, fiddlin on the ol guitar
 General Info: kicking ass on the drums like tre
               green day rules
 Summary: im a punk, are you

        ahahahaahah.  my insides are hurting.

  ============================================================================

  -+ edi's tdd calls +-

        there's a service, its supposed to be used by the deaf.  its the tdd
 relay service.  the normal user of it calls it via a special fone with a
 keypad, and a screen, and thats how they place the call.  funny thing is,
 with a modem initialized down to 1200, you, yes YOU, can call this service
 and make many calls with it.

        by law; whatever you say, the operator must say to the party at the
 other end; no matter how vulgur or repulsive it is.  i've done some pretty
 interesting stuff with it.  whatever the operator says back to you, is what
 the other party says to you, and boy, they can be fun.  oh, a bunch of
 times, you won't get charged for the phone calls.  you call an 800#, and all
 of the states have a different #. when i've called places long distance, via
 new jersey's (my states) #, i get billed; when i've dialed numbers in
 michagan or oregon, i don't get billed. shrug.

        anyway, here's a little transcript from a few pranks that i was
 doing, all in one call to the operator, and she didn't mind.  just a few
 sidenotes:

        ga: go ahead, you use that after you finish what you're saying.
        sksk: good bye.
        q: question mark; most tdd fones don't have a ? key.

        (also, i got the idea of using the tdd fones, and this prank call,
 from the 'zine, phone losers of america.  thanks rbcp.  :> )


 oper: ca 1043 (f), another call q

 edi: ga surely, pls call 291 7474.  thanks.  ga.

 oper: sure thank you...  dialing... RINGING 1... (answered) Mcdonalds (f) .

 edi: ga hello.  i'd like to order some mcfood for mcdelivery.  ga.

 oper: yes ..ga..

 edi: you still mcdeliver right qq ga.

 (click)(silence) (hungup) (hung up)

 oper: ca 1043 (f), another call q ga

 edi: just hold on moment.  i'm sorry about that ma'am, i just want to say,
 you're the most chipper operator i've had so far.  ga.

 oper: thank you is there another call for you q ga

 edi: ok, pls dial 671 0925.  ga.

 oper: thank you... dialing... RINGING 1...  (answered)Middletown
 Mcdonalds..(m) ga

 edi: hello sir. i'd like to mcorder some mcfood for mcdelivery.  i have your
 mcad right here and it says perfectly in black and mcwhite that you deliver.
 ga.

 oper: ..we are closed.. thats it! we are not open right now and we don't
 deliver okay! thank you sksk (hung up) ca 1043 (f), another call q ga

 edi: geez, these mcdonalds people really dont like us very well.  sigh, it was
 gonna be funny too.  :P thanks ma'am, thats all.  ga.

 oper: sure you are welcome goodnight sksk thank you for using rc, bye sksk

        see?  see how fun that was?  i got those mcdonalds people piss off at
 me.  h0h0.  what?  you don't like it?  ok, i admit, that was semi-lame.  but
 hey, i got a chuckle out of doing it.  :)  not to mention, that operator was
 pretty cool.

  ============================================================================


  -+ ta ta, farewell my sweetheart +-

        thats it, its over, get out of here, get out, get out, get out.

        next issue will be better, i promise.  i'm not saying that this issue
 wasn't good, but it will be better, trust me.  give me your feedback on it
 and stuff, and i'll talk to you later, fucknut.

        remember, new smashing pumpkins album will be out october 24th.
 yee-haw.

  ============================================================================

                          jonas e'zine issue twelve
     all mail regarding jonas shall be sent to belial@raven.cybercomm.net
        thanks to all my friends who've helped me out, i love you all.
        get the latest jonas and text files at avalon, (908) 739/4274.

              "jonas -- its more then a 'zine, its a lifestyle."

  ============================================================================


