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=   F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K.   =
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                        prelude to sleeping
                        -------------------

it never ends. the calm inside of me. the depth of reaching, of growing. 
of stretching out and feeling free. of being new. 

It is now nearly 4:30a. I have listened to _fumbling towards ecstasy_ three
times, and have such a gamut of emotions, that even I can barely contend 
with it.  Memories have flooded my senses, thoughts and ideals that i 
sometimes bury so deeply that i can't find them, even when i try.  the 
needs/wants of relationships, the possibilities of love, reaching out, 
clutching hard, never wanting to be let go, watching your lover walk away 
from you. the depression, the hurt, the anger, the pain. the asking of 'why 
why why', and not ever knowing the answer. wanting to dive deep to the 
depths of some mystical world and never surfacing. kicking back and 
listening to the same CD over and over, searching for answers to questions 
you can have always been afraid to ask. feeling your own humanity at 
stake, and running the gamut of emotions, watching memories in your mind's 
eye like film clips, painting pictures. wanting to feel consumed in fires 
of emotions. the connects and disconnects. the disappointments, the rage 
and hate. feeling afraid and alone, celebrating anniversaries alone, and 
knowing (if i leave you know, you know i won't love you any less) that the 
maybe's 'ifs' and 'buts' were nothing but words inserted for your own fear. 
pushing back against the norm to register who and what you are. claiming 
individuality for individualaties sake. to be free of constraints and of 
ideals. to just BE! to just continuing finding something and seeing it in 
front of you and knowing that maybe.. possibilities seem endless of the 
discourse of human interaction. to take that wild plunge for the sake of 
being and doing. to never be afraid to wonder or to learn. to want to push 
the limits to never ending possibilities and to just thank god your alive. 
you breathe, you hope and you fear, but you will never be alone. ever. you 
stretch out in your images and just fondle your dreams like precious 
coins, sometimes feeling like your holding back, and wondering why you 
can't be like everyone else, and hoping against hope, that isn't something 
wrong with you, but loving your madness. and being in love. being 
possessed by that overwhelming passion, that seemingly once in a lifetime 
occurance, only to be disappointed by conflicts and stupid crap. drinking 
alone, getting high, tripping on acid. looking for god. looking to move to 
that mountain top to find your answers. to push away the human boundaries 
because of the pain. sweet glorious pain that shapes our ideals and makes 
you contemplate between life and death, and you just don't know! you 
i
well
can you really say its okay?
can you really nod and think its fine? how many times can you write down 
your feelings without them becoming monotonous and over analyzed. why 
can't we just 'be' for the sake of living and why can't we just 'do' for 
the sake of 'doing'? i really wanted to try..and somehow that never seemed 
good enough for you, for me, for anyone anymore
i am waiting to break free. to run against the waves, to fly towards the 
sun, as high as I can nd never turn around. to grasp, kiss, fondle, 
caress all those around me and show them what life is about. to gather 
together and celebrate being alive. 
i want to understand.
i didn't want to forget.
i didn't want to reconcile the probabilities and the notions.
i didn't want to push you away when i did. i didn't want to hold back from 
fear. i didn't want to lose you when i needed you and i didn't want to 
forget what it was all about. i didn't want to scream in rage or pound my 
head against a wall or forget about being alive. i didn't want to lie to 
you, cheat on you or lose your faith. i wanted you to understand why i do 
what i do, and to believe that. i wanted to be your female counterpart to 
succumb to your advances, to submit to you and dominate you. i wanted to 
play games with you and just drive you insane with being coy and then walk 
away with job well done. i wanted to arch my back in pleasure in the 
tenderness of moments and feel your cock buried deep in me. i wanted to 
close my eyes and feel you around me no matter where i was. i didn't want 
it to be like this.
i don't like it being like this. i wanted to ask you answers to my 
questions, and
NOT
HAVE
YOU
BLOCK 
ME 
OUT.
why would it be so hard for you to take my heart. you've ripped it into a 
1000 pieces, like glass shards, and now it lays, exposed, waiting for 
someone to pick it up, and i asked you, begged you so long ago to 
understand me, to understand the inner turmoil between the selves, the 
ego's and yes, even the multiple personalities. i begged you to come to me. 
i remained strong for strength sake, and to not burden you with any 
emotional trivialties.

and a depth inside of me, which couldn't be reached.
which couldn't be found.
which couldn't be completed. you called me a liar. as if loving many 
people was a sin. DON'T IMPOSE YOUR JUDGEMENT ON ME. i loved each and 
everyone that i said i loved as completely as possible, and it didn't work 
out. and i walked away learning something, giving even more to the next 
lover. giving them which the previous ones denied me before. you kill a 
part of me with your words, you sneer at my attempts of finding hope and 
of faith and you keep killing a part of me. you didn't believe me when i 
said i loved you. don't pass judgement on me. i know what i said and i 
said what i meant. just because YOU won't believe makes my faith any less 
of a reality.

how many times, misses and attempts will it take to reconcile this 
craziness burning deep inside of me. how many times do  i have to sit and 
mull over problems and curious to find the answers, and you just keep
BLOCKING
ME 
OUT
pushing me towards finding no better answers or not even listening to what 
i say. i begged, i humbled my self, i pushed YOU away. i played your game. 
i fought and tortured myself and agonized over such TRIVIAL THINGS.

ohhhhhhhhhhh god

this constant torture of being pulled a 1000x different directions and 
never sure which direction is going in. and never sure then what side of.
and crying. holding back the tears, not wanting to show you the more 
"weak" side, because that is BLASPHEMOUS to 
to
to

lies and sweat and sex and cigarette smoke curling around my fingertips
hearing the subway running
pushing it all back deep inside, swallowing it whole

i never asked for this, i never wanted this.
all i wanted was to be happy. not sitting up at nearly 5am yawning and 
listening for hidden messages in cd's. staring at pictures of myself, 
getting ready to ship to friends.

DO YOU FEEL?

does the pain and emotion flood you when your alone. nothing keeping you 
together but memories of past relationships and tender moments? do you 
recognize your strengths and weaknesses inside you? or are you truly a 
cold person..
no
i don't believe in that.
i saw the importance. i saw what i could do to you. i saw myself making 
you complete.
and if you tell me it was all for nothing.
I WILL KNOW YOU LIE. 
even to yourself.
I wouldn't have told you i loved you. you wouldn't have come for me if you 
didn't feel the depth.

don't condemn me
please
don't
make
me 
feel
like


i can't do this alone.

will i be relentless now that i can't have you?
no word.
nothing.
silence fills the air.
i look for you everywhere i go
and i can't find you
WHY WHY WHY
no playing with fire. i warned you. you will get burned.
and now its too late for to 

honest words
the truth enslaved in emotions as we keep playing these mind fuck games
sneering
addicting
consume me
make me whole
in this space 
i have gone to far to go back
i keep reaching for you
in my mind
with my body
that was heaven that was to me
i keep believing

silence of the night
glaring lights around me 
intoxicated
and i can't shake this 
not now..not yet..
old passions stirring old feelings re-aquainting each other

silence is so peaceful
breakdown of minds
i believe in you
i have faith
just don't let me go
its not time yet...



Simunye Design: New Innovations for a new world
http://www.simunye.com

Into the sea of waking dreams, I follow without pride
Nothing stands between us here & I won't be denied
                      -"Possession"  Sarah McLachlan


- Simunye

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