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   ooooo   ooooo  .oooooo.  oooooooooooo       HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #601
   `888'   `888' d8P'  `Y8b `888'     `8
    888     888 888      888 888             "Three Stories for Children
    888ooooo888 888      888 888oooo8                of All Ages"
    888     888 888      888 888    "
    888     888 `88b    d88' 888       o        by Phairgirl [5/6/99]
   o888o   o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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        "Basket Case"

        One day, Basket Case had a pain in her side.  She ran to the
 Hospital and said that she had appendicitis.  It was gas.  The doctor took
 her to the mental ward.  There, she met a sweet old gentleman named Barney
 The Book Bear.  He sang a song that went, "Apples are so good to eat, good
 to eat, good to eat, apples are a special treat, so eat one every day."
 Basket Case then knew that she had met her true love.  She asked Barney,
 "Can we _do it_?"  Barney said, "Teach me how."  They sniffed butts, it was
 amazing.  So satisfying that they each had a cigarette. Barney said, "Can
 we do this again sometime?"  Basket Case said, "Nope--I guess I was wrong
 about you."  She chased Barney around the psycho ward with a butcher knife.
 "Highyah!  Shoot, missed," said she.  "Waaaaaa--"  And with a twist and a
 mighty blow, Barney's head blew off and rolled out the door.  "Soccer in
 the gym," yelped Basket Case and kicked the head there. No one noticed at
 all.  Even with all the blood on the floor.  Then Doctor Idyot walked down
 the hall.  "G'Morning, Basket Case."  "Mornin, Dr. Idyot--Is everything
 fine?" BANG! She shot the city sheriff.  BANG!  Ploppity plop plop (that's
 his head bouncing) ca-roak.  "That's quaint," said Ms. Case. Then Superman
 killed her.  Then he ate her for supper.  He digested her and she rolled
 out his large intestine "PLOP" into his potty.  "Turdy came back!" Superman
 yelled.

 [-----]

        "The Adventures of Blobby Blob -- The Kid That Is Lard"

        Blobby Blob saw a girl at school and went to talk to her.  But she
 thought it was somebody's spit and screamed.  Blobby became a manic
 depressant.  He felt the need to do something naughty.  Something--lardy.
 So he went to the Hostess factory and was put in a Twinky.  At lunch, the
 girl he liked unwrapped him and took a bite.  He flowed out of the last
 injection hole into her lap.  "Oh eek!" yelled the girl.  "Whoo ha ha ha
 ha!" screamed Blobby as he completely engulfed the girl.  "Yum," he smiled,
 and began eating everyone he saw.  There was a great panic and most
 everyone was running fast.  But not as fast as Blobby Blow.  The whole
 city was gulped in one giant lardy gulp.  "I have not yet satisfied my
 thirst for blood!" began Blobby.  "I must eat more human flesh!"  But then
 Jean Claude Van Damn ate the blob of lard and was possessed.  He, instead
 of eating people, ate HoHo's.  The possessed Mr. Van Damn ate so many
 HoHo's that he couldn't be a fighter guy like Arnie Schwarzenegger.  Now
 he's partners with the Ziploc guy, Perry Mason, and Earthquake (a wrestling
 team--he's the manager).

 [-----]

        "Sam The Smelly Sock"

        One day, Sam the Smelly Sock went a-smelling down the street.  Sam
 met a big dog named Fido.  Fido smelled Sam and ran away, so Sam cried.  He
 soon was over that and walked through a flower garden.  All of the flowers
 died.  Sam started crying again.  Sam became suicidal, so he tried to shoot
 himself.  The bullets disintegrated.  He jumped off a building but the dead
 carcasses softened the fall, like he fell on towels washed in Downy.  Sam
 tried to stab himself, but the knife became as rubbery as Play-Doh.  He
 tried to do a drug overdose, but they sprouted legs and ran for their
 lives.  He was going to slit his wrists but remembered he had none.  Sam
 then attempted to drown himself in the Mississippi River.  But the minute
 he hit, environmentalists pulled him out because he was causing toxic
 pollution.  So Sam locked himself in the garage and turned on the car.  The
 car started to bubble. Maybe Sam could fry himself to death.  So he jumped
 into the ball of acid that the melted car had become.  The acid ran away
 from him and melted off the garage door for relief.  So Sam buried himelf
 alive but the dirt kept running away.  Then Sam saw a thing called "soap."
 Sam doused himself with it.  The soap didn't run away!  Sam died of shock.

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 [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!  HOE #601 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 5/6/99 ]
