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=   F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K.   =
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                                Gramps
                                ------

"Beep, beep...[long pause] beep"

That was what i heard when they connected gramps to a monitor to check his
heart. An uneven rhythm, i was scared. i knew it had to happen someday, but..
now? why?

To say the truth, we never thought gramps was going to be one of the last
to go. My grandma left first, and so did my other grandpa. And we never
imagined that. Grandpa had a stroke about 4 or 5 years ago, i cant remember
exactly when. After that one half of his body was paralyzed, he couldn't
move, hardly speak, and we all were crushed. He was just fine the night
before that, just fine. Grandma said that they went to bed, and the next
day when she tried to wake him up he wouldn't wake, and then he rolled him
over and saw this wicked face gramps had. He was in the hospital for some
time, the Doc is saying that they didn't know if he was going to make it or
not, but he did. He went back home, half the man he used to be, paralyzed.
In a wheelchair; babbling, not speaking; undertaking physical therapy, not
waking up everyday with the energy he always had, he was old, but full of
energy. After that incident nothing was the same.. well, how could it be.
Heh.

Grandma. I loved her. And lemme tell you here that i was the biggest
motherfuckin asshole in the whole fucking world with her. In some way i
think i betrayed her, now ill never know.. She always took care of gramps,
till she began to get ill herself, she began having difficulty breathing.
Emphysema, the doctor said.

I have one image burned in my brain that will stay forever, that of grandma
one day gramps got sick and we thought that 'the day' had arrived, so to
speak. Of course gramps was just pulling our leg. But anyway, i had to stay
with grandma, and she was all nervous; she always got all nervous when
gramps got sick. She was scared of him dying, i guess. I stayed with her
trying to make her feel better, if possible, and she started to cry on my
shoulder while saying "My husband.. my Augusto". That picture will always
be with me.

Why i betrayed her? That's kinda easy to answer. I never wanted to see grandma
or gramps after they got sick. I dunno, maybe i didn't want to see gramps cuz
i didn't like how he was, or i was scared. I dunno. I wish i could say that
they lived far from here, but it wasn't that way, either. They lived on an
apartment on the 2nd floor, while i lived on the 5th floor. We had lived
together for more than 15yrs in the same house before we moved, but now i
wouldn't go down 3 floors to see her. Asshole. She knew i didn't like to see
gramps, i hope she understood, even tho i don't quite get it myself..

Fast forward, i don't want to get you that bored. Maybe ill delve into that
some other day.

I guess it was a good thing that grandma left us first. She wouldn't have
made it if gramps had gone first, that would've been too much for her. An
emphysema, however, was not the way for her to leave; i don't think so.
She couldn't breathe. i've read its akin to inhaling deeply, and without
exhaling, try to breathe again. Tried it yet? just try it a couple times.
Now imagine living like that. Or clinging to life like that, i should say.

Mom woke me up at 600am to tell me grandma had died. I was expecting it in
a way, but i didn't get to see her the day before she passed away. I still
am asking myself why didn't i go see her the night before.. why? i knew she
was gonna go soon.. yet i didn't.. That must've been 3 or so years ago.

After that, something really weird happened in my family, it was as if
everybody was dying. I don't know how many relatives died after grandma, but
i know it was more than 6, it was weird. Yet gramps was holding his ground.
My other grandpa would go first. He was one healthy man, too. He was working
until he went to the Doc cuz he was coughing a lot. Lung cancer. Advanced
lung cancer. God, one has to wonder how the fuck cancer gets around the human
body that fast. It was as if something was draining all the life from him.
After just a couple weeks he needed oxygen, and when i went to see him he
looked like grandma. Only worse. He went fast, too. Grandpa? he was ok then.

He'd scare us occasionally, but nothing big. By now he wasn't even
communicating anymore. He didn't recognize people, not his sons, not anyone.
We thought he had alzheimer's disease, but later we figured out that he had
probably had another stroke, since he got into the hospital and got out
worse, that's the only thing we can think of. I can babble some more about
what happened during that time, but i wont. Lets just say that he was doing
ok, he'd scare us and wed take him to the hospital, until that time that i
mentioned above when he checked out worse that he went in. Things got worse
then, mom knew something was wrong, and so did i. Gramps was gonna go soon,
we knew it. I knew it.

One night, a Sunday, mom came here and told me gramps was sick, that he
couldn't breathe well, and that she was calling the hospital. After she
called she went downstairs to check on him again. I didn't know what to do
then, i doubted for a second, then i went downstairs too. I went in gramps
room, and there he was. I remember standing there, looking at him silently,
not saying a word. I was shocked, i hadn't seen him in months, i didn't know
he was that bad, or that he looked that bad, for that matter. Next thing i
know tears were rolling down my face, i never thought id see my grandpa,
my abuelito, like that. His face, his body.. he was thin, skin and bone.
Nothing but that, his look.. he wasn't looking at anything, his eyes were
wide open, but he wasn't staring at anything at all. Mom told me he hadn't
had closed his eyes in hours. Hours. However nothing had prepared me for
what i heard when he exhaled. After he exhaled there was this gurgling
sound coming out of his lungs, they say they were full of phlegm, hence
the sound. After about half an hour an ambulance came to pick up gramps
and take him to the hospital.

"Its ok, you're gonna be ok, you can stop fighting now" Were my last words
to him before they took him to the hospital. I wish he could've understood
me, but he was unconscious by then, he probably had been for the last
hours. He never got out. It was a Thursday, they said he died at 730am.
I wish i would've spent more time with my grandparents when they needed
me, both my gramps and my grandma. They were there for me whenever i needed
them, always there for me. But i never was there for them when they needed
some attention, when i was supposed to pay back what they have given me,
and now i will never get to thank them, or to tell them that i love them.
I wont have a chance to fix that. Maybe you will, lucky you.

I miss my grandparents.

-sg

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