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The Good and Caring Angels present...

           AAAAA                  TTTTTTTT
          AA   AA                    TT
          AAAAAAA  nacryptic         TT  esticles..
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          AA   AA                    TT

              (rebel anarchistic tendencies)
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                   Ring these boards...

Megaworks           725-5831              All Speeds       24hrs

Pacific Island      890-2174              All Speeds       24hrs

GreyHawk BBS        299-1030              All Speeds       24hrs

The Truth BBS       813-1663            300/300  1200/1200 23hrs
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In this Rebel A.T. we will be..

    Informing You On The Results of Taxi Cab's Operation
    A Revealling Look At The Real Night Stalker
    Showing You How To Be A Bastard Sysop
    The 1988 Bulletin Board Awards (ok.. so maybe they're a little late!)
    What To Do When Cefiar Logs On

and much much more utter, utter bullshit.. brought to you by

     The Good & Caring Angels (fuck yeah!)

consiting of..

         Lightning Molt...
         Vagabank   ( "You can bonk on us..." )
         The LensCap
         Synderella
         Disk Rammer

and everyone else I cant think up these stupid names for!!

(bullshit they wrote this... but you said it yourself...

              YOU HAVE NO GODAMN FUCKING RIGHTS SO NERH!  )

    Go ahead.. sue us.. make my bloody day worse than it bloody is..

(I mean, I had Taxi Cab logon to my board this morning... Syn turned me
 down yet again last night.. and then The Australian said I had hacked
 into Romper Room's Mainframe! ...    so don't think sueing me
 is going to make my day worse! - it would make it better.)
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YOURMOTHERNOTONLYSUCKSCOCKSINHELLBUTBRAGSABOUTITATTHEBRIDGECLUBTHENEXTDAY
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   *** How To Be A Bastard Sysop By Trying Very Hard. (Part II) ***

1. Use the change-user-time facility set the users time down so you can get
out of chat mode easily.

2. Make a mesg base so big that it is impossible to read every mesg area
in the time you have per call.

3. Tell users they have 60 minutes but really give them 45.

4. Put an answering service online when the board is down so they get
charged on each call.

5. Encourage users to use attack-dial. (see above)

6. Run hacking areas but dont tell anybody!

7. Run hacking areas, tell everybody, then delete them.

8. Change to Logoff key to 'M' after running the mesg base from
that same key for a month before hand.

9. Make the logon screen so long that your users press 'S' and skip it.
Then you can say "I told you so.. dont you read!".

10. Run meets in the city and dont tell anybody the time or place.

11. Take the board offline during 5pm-> 8pm weekdays, and all weekend, so
you can play games.

12. Use multi-tasking to read a new user's confidential questionaire while in
chat mode.

13. Move Private mail to Public Mesg areas.

14. Join in conversations in private mail.

15. Interrupt a user while they are writing a mesg, then hide the
"end chat mode" warning.

16. Capture all chats and post it in "How to be a bastard sysop Part III."

17. Edit the above.

18. Tell your users to call back in ten minutes, and then logon to Zen.

19. Run conferencing with one line.

20. Rig the time-left-display to be 10 minutes more than they really have.

21. Forget to put the downloading command on the file base menu.

22. Buy two modems, one that only does 300 baud and a second that does up to
9600. Use the 9600 modem on your other computer for outdialing.

23. Configure your modem to try the 300 baud carrier TWICE.

24. Put an answering machine in the rotary system.

25. Leave page on but remove your speaker.

26. Forget to put page on the top menu.

27. Put goodbye on the user configure menu ONLY.

28. Arrange the mesg base under topic menus so it takes twice as long to
read all the mail.

29. Tell everyone you are running online games but put them on sysop access
only.

30. Change your logon screen to read "Welcome to ZOIST".

31. Advertise your board in the general mesg area of other boards rather
than in the "BBS News" areas.

32. Lie about your hardware on the logon screen.

33. Submit the userfile for text file downloading.

34. Run tradewars between 1am and 6am.

35. Switch off 300 baud ansi and file transfers on a 300 baud only bbs.

36. Make the highest non-sysop sercurity level 5 out of 100.

37. Buy a 120 meg hard-disc and continue to use the board on floppies.

38. Run a part-time board but don't tell the hours.

39. Disconnect your mode during a thunderstorm and leave the same night
for a two week holiday.

40. Configure events to throw users off immediately, even if your
software can do multi-tasking.

41. Set events at 8pm.

42. Tell unwanted users you are about to test a new utility you have
just written, then proceed to log them off.

43. Answer page at 6 in the morning, but not at 8 at night.

44. Switch Turbo off when the board is online.

45. Put a pause option in the reboot batch file after logoff.

46. Connect the page option to run a secondary external circuit to switch
on the stereo instead. Suggested music includes..

  Pink Floyd ... "How I wish you were here.."

  Beatles....    "Help!"

  Stevie Wonder.."I just called to say... "

47. Pull the plug on the above.

48. Change the sysop-initiated-logoff text to read "Sysop has shelled to
Dos, please wait..."

49. Turn mail check off upon logon, and instead write a utility to count
the mail and respond with a figure one more than actual mail. Then
tell the user to search for mail instead.

50. Turn mail check off completely, and configure atleast 50 mesg areas.
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              ***   THE 1988 BULLETIN BOARD AWARDS   ***

"God" award..................................................CRAIG BOWEN

Most vile, crude, rude, vulgar disgusting, enjoyable board.........TRUTH

Best home for derelicts........................................CROSSOVER

Most name changes.....(tie between TRUTH, ELECTRIC DREAMS and TIME WARP)

Worst modem(s).......................................................ZEN

"Weirdos of the year"................(role players of the MIDNIGHT FROG)

Most bugs the sysop knows of but does nothing about..........THE FACTORY

Most amount of borrowed modems.......................................ZEN

Most money-scunging sysop....................................Craig Bowen

Richest board........................................................ZEN

Best power supply............................................BLACK BOARD

Noisiest hard-drive..........................................THE FACTORY

Most talked about without existing board........................EVLANDER

First solar and battery powered board...........................EVLANDER

Most bullshit board.............................................GREYHAWK

Worst sysop.....................................................GREYHAWK

System most hogged by the sysop.................................GREYHAWK

Worst mesg base....................................................AUSOM

Straightest board............................................Bog's ZOIST

Most worked and least updated...............................TWILITE ZONE

Best mesg area.........................The GobbleDock War (TWILITE ZONE)

Most original software...........................................CITADEL

Best overseas board........................................ALTOS, Munich

Most confusing mesg leaver..................................Dragon Ruler

Most bullshit mesg leaver...................................Dragon Ruler

Worst mesg leaver..........................................Night Stalker
       ( "You mean you can actually enter more than one line??" )

Worst sign-offs............................................System Addict

Best sign-offs..............................................Ivan Trotsky

Best TOP menu...............................................OUTER LIMITS

Worst MESG-TOP menu.......................................CRYSTAL PALACE

Most original pseudonym..............................................Syn
            (does ANYBODY know what it really means???)
         (you mean our wildest dreams ARE actually true?)

Most unavailable sysop.......................................Craig Bowen
        ( "Page me at 6 o'clock on a Saturday.. I will be around.
           Thunderbirds are on then..." )

The Modem's Worst Fear Award...............................Eric Anderson

The Board's Worst Fear Award....................................Taxi Cab

Worst Board software..............................................DocBBS

Best rapping board...................................................ZEN

Worst commerical software........................................ Opussy

Best commerical software........................................QuickBBS

Worst poetry ever!..............................................Vagabond

and the final moment you've been waiting for...

           *** The Best Board for all Time Award ***

Well our panel of schrizonphrenic judges have been arguing for the
whole night as to this prestigous award... The total cost of this
engrossing affair comes to this:

723 logons
3   ibm xt's
17  users
4   dates with Syn
997 slabs of beer
3   bottles of Stephen's Green Grog
10  modems (borrowed from ZEN.. but nobody noticed..)

   and the final decision............is..............

              .......<insert your board name here>

well, everybody is entitled to an ego!!
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An In-Depth Revealling And Total Bullshit Look At The Night Stalker.

WARNING: Get offended, get fucked!

Name : Night Stalker

Other Aliases : Stephen Paddon, Syn's Sister (and you thought Taxi had a
   problem working it out!), Stud Man.

Born : We suspect in a kennel.

Habitual Abode : The Farm, residing with mutual apathy with "The Body" Sam.
   At first he explained his migration to this quiet country-side retreat
   with the quote -

"I really hate it when you sit down to have a really good wank and your
brother walks into the bedroom!"

   but after viewing the recluse we are tempted to believe it is the more
   the presence of a wide variety of innocent sheep, bunny rabbits and
   short ponies that attracts him.  Now don't take me wrong this guy
   isn't that kind of person. When he isn't feeding the chooks (minus
   voyeuristic brother) he is shooting them with his new-fangled CrossBow.

Description : A short stumpy male in a black woollen jumper
              (imitation Bolles suspended at the kneck), denims and a most
              crude slick haircut.

     Another physical characteristic worth mentioning is the tendency to
wear T-shirts bearing such logos as..

    "Give Me Head, Till I Am Dead"

    and a rather dijointed version of "Fuck Off!"

    Obviously the art of Effective Communication wasn't in the sylabus of
St Albans High School.

Movement : Never, never get into a vehicle with this maniac. He turns
     dirt roads into Conrod Straights, the quiet village of St Albans
     into a scaled down version of Beirut, and The Western Freeway into
     Ethiopia at dinner time. I have been lead to believe his aspirations
     as a Formula One Grand Prix Driver didn't get too far, the only
     passing comment being ..
         "They don't go fast enough."
     I have also been told by totally unreliable sources that his
     is endevouring in a business proposition to create business cards
     for Police Encounters, a sort of BankCard for speeding and other
     offences.

Eating Habits : None. (But when he does (yes, if you crawl out of bed
     at some wee morning hour, and happen to pass the kitchen on the
     way to the outside loo, you might actually happen to catch this
     hermit ACTUALLY EATING) its a mixture of Tinned Soup, Tinned Spam,
     Tinned Ham, Alcohol and Chips.) It was once suggested this is not
     just a habit of zero-consumption levels, but also a rather tactful
     way of getting rid of unwanted guests.

Other Habits : Science has yet to offer an explanation as to the
     reasoning behind this characters desire of submergence amongst
     weeds, dead fish, pollution, sand and other yukky stuff at the
     bottom of the ocean. Maybe he is looking for an elusive treasure
     chest - but alas nobody has told him they are on the beach instead.
     Or does he know something we don't about legends of mermaids.
     (theories such as enjoyment, a sport, or relaxation have been
     passed in, as it is obvious they don't contain any sexual rewards,
     and thus wouldn't warrant the attention, unless the shiela at the
     fish-n-chips shop counts..)

Courting : From Syns to Pager Girls.. and all from this...

   NightStalker : "Your beautiful... whats your name?"

   ( Big Mother : "Well, Alfred actually." )

Sysopping : Terrible!
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And here ends the amazing Anacryptic Testicles Part XI because I'm bored.
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