BTN:  Birmingham Telecommunications News
COPYRIGHT 1991            ISSN 1055-4548

March 1991    Volume 4, Issue 3

Table Of Contents
-----------------
Article Title                                  Author

Policy Statement and Disclaimer................Staff
Publisher's Corner.............................Mark Maisel
Editorial......................................Tim Straughn
What Exactly Is This Papacy, etc...............Sinister Dexter
Currently Untitled (fiction)...................Jeremy Lewis
Notes From The Trenches........................Dean Costello
Survey Suggestions.............................Scott Hollifield
?Why I Compute?................................Ricky Eanes
You Need Help! (provided by Mark Shafer).......Unknown
Review:  Wing Commander........................Colby Gibson
Review:  SimEarth..............................Jeff Hollingsworth
What Is An ECHO, or How Does, etc..............Fred Hambrecht
ProFile:  Lurch Henson.........................Chris Mohney
Special Interest Groups (SIGs).................Barry Bowden
Known BBS Numbers..............................Staff
Echoes/Network List............................Staff

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Disclaimer and Statement of Policy for BTN

We at BTN try our best to assure the accuracy of articles and
information in our publication.  We assume no responsibility for damage
due to errors, omissions, etc.  The liability, if any for BTN, its
editors and writers, for damages relating to any errors or omissions,
etc., shall be limited to the cost of a one year subscription to BTN,
even if BTN, its editors or writers have been advised of the likelihood
of such damages occurring.

With the conclusion of that nasty business, we can get on with our
policy for publication and reproduction of BTN articles.  We publish
monthly with a deadline of the fifteenth of the month prior to
publication.  If you wish to submit an article, you may do so at any
time but bear in mind the deadline if you wish for your work to appear
in a particular issue.  It is not our purpose to slander or otherwise
harm a person or reputation and we accept no responsibility for the
content of the articles prepared by our writers.  Our writers own their
work and it is protected by copyright.  We allow reprinting of articles
from BTN with only a few restrictions.  The author may object to a
reprint, in which case he will specify in the content of his article.
Otherwise, please feel free to reproduce any article from BTN as long as
the source, BTN, is specified, and as long as the author's name and the
article's original title are retained.  If you use one of our articles,
please forward a copy of your publication to:

Mark Maisel
Editor, BTN
221 Chestnut St.
BHM, AL 35210-3219
(205)-956-0176

We thank you for taking the time to read our offering and we hope that
you like it.  We also reserve the right to have a good time while doing
all of this and not get too serious about it.

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         F R E E B I E :  G E T  I T  W H I L E  I T S  H O T !

The following boards allow BTN to be downloaded freely, that is with no
charge to any existing upload/download ratios.

The Connection          LZ Birmingham           Alter-Ego
Channel 8250            Little Kingdom          Joker's Castle
Crunchy Frog            Myth Drannor            Posys BBS
The Matrix              Abject Poverty          The Bus
The Outer Limits        Bloom County

If you are a sysop and you allow BTN to be downloaded freely, please let
me know via EZNet so that I can post your board as a free BTN
distributor.  Thanks.

MM

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Publisher's Corner
by Mark Maisel

I have decided to try keeping a little space for myself and, at the same
time provide a platform for those of you who are interested, a place to
stand up and use as a soapbox.  Express your ideas in BTN.  What a
bargain!  All you have to do is generate said ideas and get them past my
very lenient publication standards.  I would appreciate it if you would
at least try to be civil and stick to your point.  Personal attacks
against specific persons and/or entities will most likely be axed so
please don't even think about it.

Big news in BTN!  We seem to be quite steady at this larger size.  Kudos
and whatnot to all who see fit to continue and those beginning to
contribute to BTN.  I hope that you will take the time to read
everything in BTN but I know that most of you will only take aim at a
few of the articles that may interest you.  They are all good and mostly
homegrown.  BTN seems to be growing in scope and personality.  I have
pondered this before and have decided, at least for now, to continue to
let it do what it will.

I have been considering parties again...I know, I know, you are already
squealing with excitement.  April will probably be the first one.  The
invitation will reflect some changes in what I expect of my guests and I
hope that you will read and comply.  If not, I may have to reconsider my
position on hosting parties for the masses.

One more thing that you may find of interest, back in December sometime,
someone, I believe from Washington D.C. got hold of an issue of BTN.
For whatever reason, they saw fit to have an application for an ISSN
from the Library of Congress.  ISSN is the numbering system for
periodicals used by the library.  What this number means for BTN,
firstly and important to me, copyright protection, and secondly for
those who seek such, legitimacy as a publication.  I wish to thank
whoever it was that thought enough of our humble efforts and hope that
BTN will continue to spread and prosper.  With your help, feedback, the
occasional article, and general abuse, it will do just that.  The
library called today and gave me the number.  What a coincidence since
today is the day this turkey is overdue.  You can spy our new ISSN in
the 2nd line of this file right next to our copyright notice.  I will be
receiving written verification of our number through the mail soon.

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Editorial
by Tim Straughn

        The following is an opinion piece by Tim and BTN
        invites you to respond. Any civil reply will be
        considered for this spot next month.  If you don't
        feel like responding to this and have something else
        to say, please consider using this space to say it.
        MM

The Smoking Traveler

With the recent Federal crack-downs on smoking in public places such as
libraries and other public buildings, one of the  buildings coming under
attack from this is the Birmingham airport.  In some ways, I agree with
the general principles of the new laws, but in others, I feel that the
implementation of the laws is a farce.  The methods of alleviating the
problems of "second-hand smoke" are far from the best ways to resolve
the problems, and are completely unfair to those of us who do smoke.
Other private building practices enforced by the companies that operate
those buildings are also a farce, and will only cost the company money.

My real beef is related to a recent trip to Schenectady, NY. I am a
smoker, and can agree with the limitations originally imposed by the
various airline companies that any flight lasting less than 1 hour
should prohibit smoking on it, and in fact since the flight is so short,
and usually is a climb and then a descent with no real "cruising" at any
altitude, the movement about the cabin should be restricted as well. One
such flight that comes to mind is the hop from here to Atlanta, GA.
This flight is only about 40 minutes, and any smoker should be able to
do without his habit for this amount of time.  Here's the real clincher
though.  I knew that the laws were further `enhanced' to include all
domestic flights, i.e., even flights from Atlanta to Los Angeles, which
are approximately 6 hours.  This is asking a bit too much of the smoker
to do without his habit for this extended period, and the ultimate
solution to the problem of second-hand smoke is not prohibition, but
better ventilation.   The issue is further inflamed when no regulations
are put on perfumes and colognes worn on the same aircraft.  Again,
knowing that I could not smoke on the flight, or actually until I got to
my destination due to building regulations, I went to the little
convenience store in the Airport to pick up a pack of gum to prevent me
from grinding my teeth to dust, and also to help with the pressure
changes related to air flight.  The first thing I saw was the cigarette
stand in the store, and was slightly amused that cigarettes were sold in
a no-smoking facility.  When I enquired for gum, I was quickly informed
that gum could not be purchased in the airport.  WHAT!? First of all,
the smoker has been deprived of a vice which he enjoys, and then, is
offered no alternative, and on top of that, is tempted by the displays
and reminded of his nicotine urges.  Well, knowing that ranting about it
would only possibly get me kicked out of the airport, I went on down to
the boarding gate. I got within 50 feet of the gate, and was assaulted
by some of the most foul smelling perfume I have ever smelled in my
life, and the concentrations of it in the air should have been
considered chemical warfare.  The first thought I had was "I hope this
broad isn't on the same flight."  I was wrong.  Not only was she on the
same flight, but she wound up in the seat next to me on a completely
booked flight. I have never been air sick in my life, but in that one
little flight to Atlanta, I came as close as I want to it. The noxious
concentrations gave me a tremendous headache and made me very nauseated.
When getting off the plane in Atlanta, I looked the woman in the eye,
and said, "And some folks have the gall to complain about smokers.....".
I was thankful that I made it to Atlanta without puking all over me and
the surrounding passengers, and the walk through the airport did wonders
for settling my stomach and head.

Now, I was getting close to the boarding gate for my connection to
Albany, NY, and was again assaulted by very high concentrations of
perfume.  I hoped and prayed that person was getting on a different
flight, but again I was wrong, and again, the person wound up in the
seat next to me. This time, there was an empty seat, so I paged the
flight attendant, and asked if I could move.  She asked why, and I asked
if something was wrong with her nose.  The woman wearing the offensive
perfume was of course very insulted, but I simply told her that she
wasn't offensive, but her perfume was.  I cannot help but believe that
concentrations of scents like that are as bad for one if not worse than
second-hand smoke.  I was wishing that I had eaten a huge bowl of beans
before leaving home.  I think that I will use that tactic next time I go
somewhere.  If I can't smoke, I might as well fart, because someone is
going to be a source of foul odors, and it might as well be me.  I think
I'd rather smell what George Carlin refers to as a "rip-shit- tear-ass"
fart than to have to smell some of the perfumes which some folks think
smell good.

I guess what I am getting at is that in order for this thing to work out
fairly, each passenger should pass through a gas analyzer as well as the
metal detectors at the security gates, and be forced to go take a bath
if the concentrations of perfume scents exceed a given level.

Like I said, I am a smoker, but when in a crowded room, I do try to curb
my habit to be fair to the non-smokers in the area.  When in the car
traveling with my wife and children, if my wife is smoking, then I
refrain in order to keep the concentration of smoke down to a tolerable
level for the kids.  I also try to keep good air circulation in the car
as well.  On airplanes, think about where the smoking sections were
before smoking was completely prohibited. If you were a smoker and were
flying coach, you usually wound up on seats in the back of the aircraft.
On a Boeing 727, this can be especially excruciating, because of the
vacuum created when the turbines are accelerated for take-off, or for
deceleration of the aircraft on landing.  You wind up with one on either
side of you, and one over your head.  Trust me, I've been in the front
and rear on a 727, and there is a change in cabin pressure at the rear
when the engines are revved.  If I remember correctly, wasn't this
called discrimination when the blacks were forced to sit in the back of
busses in the 50's and 60's?  Smokers are being discriminated against,
plain and simple.  I feel that if someone objects to the smoker so much,
then he has all the right in the world to take a different flight, and
to refuse to get on the aircraft with the smoker.

The thing that triggered this rant was the fact that I could buy
cigarettes in a declared no-smoking zone, and could not get a pack of
gum to help me curb my urges.  This stinks. The other contributing
factor is the assault of the perfume from other passengers, who were
quite possibly some of the same people that voted to prohibit my smoking
habit on airlines.  I know that cigarette smoke stinks to some people,
but they above all should be aware that perfume stinks to some people
too.

The other peeve I have with non-smoker's rights is the implementation of
no-smoking policies in the work place. Recently, our entire office
building was declared a non-smoking facility. Good.  When I want a
cigarette, I will simply stop what I am doing, and get up and go outside
to imbibe in my vice.  What does this do for the company?  Well, it
decreases my productivity significantly because each time that I get up
and leave whatever it is that I am doing, I have at least a short review
of what I was doing to refresh the train of thought that I was in.  This
review would not be necessary if I did not have to leave what I was
doing.  I can see where smoking in the office presents problems for
non-smokers, however, the solution is not to make the smokers less
productive. The solution is to increase ventilation. This option has a
one-time expense, and is not that significant in comparison to the
number of hours lost over a period of time, which could have been
productive hours at $125 per hour.  A lot of modifications can be made
to an HVAC system for one 8 hour day's worth of time at $125/hr. for one
smoker.  There are 6 smokers in our office.  While we are a minority of
the population in the office, we still cost as much as the majority.  We
still have productivity measurements imposed on us as well.  Some would
say that the obvious solution is to quit smoking.  I don't ask anyone
else to stop any of their habits, one of which is gum chewing.  But, I
also wish that I could legally beat the owner of the cud that I stepped
in when walking down the sidewalk.  Even tobacco chewing is not
prohibited in the office.  Now you want to talk about a disgusting
habit!  Ever seen a desk that a spit cup got turned over?

All in all, I just feel that the people that make the rules need to view
the impact of their rules from all sides before making the rules into
law.  If a smoking area is provided, a lot fewer problems will occur.
If the smoking prohibitions are further enhanced to encompass the
wearing of loud obnoxious perfumes in quantities that would kill a
moose, then I will consider this a move to make the policies more fair.
Anything beyond simple deodorant on the human body in the work place is
unnecessary, and an infringement on my rights to not have to smell the
crap.  Personally, I would rather smell body odor than to smell some of
the perfumes I have had to contend with in our office.  It is that
serious, believe me.

I can see prohibition of smoking in areas where safety may be
compromised, in situations where the ventilation is poor, but if the
ventilation cannot be solved, then it is inadequate to begin with, and
the area should be considered a confined space and appropriate
respirator equipment used.
        
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What, Exactly, Is This Papacy I've Been Hearing Of, And What Can It Do
For Me?

An exclusive interview with the heads of the Crunchy Frog Cabal, or
whatever they're calling it today, by Sinister Dexter

As I drove the el cheapo rented subcompact up to the gates of the large
estate at Nice (that's pronounced NEECE for all you non-literates out
there), I marveled at the sheer SIZE of the place. The main building was
a four-story mansion, complete with helipad and twenty-car parking
garage. Scattered about the grounds were smaller structures, apparently
quarters for the hundreds of acolytes that staffed the place. Also
obvious were the tennis courts and the large swimming pool.

An eager looking acolyte in a valet's uniform took my keys, and roared
off in the small car almost before I could retrieve my recording gear.
Another acolyte led me up the ornate marble stairway into the main
building. As I passed into the huge foyer, I found myself uttering a low
whistle - this place must have been EXPENSIVE. The foyer was a full four
stories high, and a large stained-glass skylight depicting a constable
opening a box of chocolates topped the room. A large, multi-tiered
fountain lay in the center, and several expensive-looking sofas and
chairs lined the room. I picked a seat near the fountain and sat down.

Within minutes, I heard the sounds of approaching footsteps as two
figures descended from one of the upper floors. As they neared, I could
tell it was Episkopos R.J. Gumby and Cardinal Bishop, the two I was
looking for. Putting on my best reporter's smile, I switched on my tape
recorder.


Dexter:  Hello. I'm Dexter...

R.J.:    Can you help us settle something?

Dexter:  Er... sure.

R.J.:    At the end of "Young Guns", did the Doc/Narrator character
         speak in first- or third-person?

Dexter:  Third, I think.

Bishop:  Told ya.

R.J.:    Damn. <scrounges in pocket, comes up with twenty-dollar bill,
         which he hands to The Bishop> Now, then, you're Dexter, right?

Dexter:  Yes.

R.J.:    I knew it. I'm Episkopos Pope Pope Praetor Sir Dr. Dr. R.J.
         Gumby, as you well know. And this is...

Bishop:  Pope Pope Cardinal Dr. Bishop, at your service.

<general shaking of hands, and all that>

R.J.:    Now, then, what would you like to know?

Dexter:  Just a few general questions for the general public, Episkopos.

R.J.:    Shoot. And don't bother with all the titles. Just call me R.J.,
         okay?

Dexter:  Well, just for the record, what are your _full_ titles?

R.J.:    I'm "His Eternal Majesty, Episkopos, Pope, Pope, Praetor, Sir,
         Dr., Dr., And All-Around Nice Guy R.J. Gumby."

Bishop:  And I'm commonly known as "The Right Honorable Pope, Pope,
         Cardinal, Lumberjack Extraordinaire, Persecutor of Heretics,
         and Advisor to the Papacy, Bishop, M.D." But it's quite a bit
         easier to just say "Pope Pope Cardinal etc. Bishop." The full
         names are only for ceremonies, legal papers, that sort of
         thing.

Dexter:  How did you two get all those titles?

R.J.:    Various and sundry ways.

Dexter:  I see. Now let me ask...

Bishop:  No.

Dexter:  What?

Bishop:  Never mind. Go ahead.

Dexter:  Ah. Okay. What, exactly, is this Cabal business about?

R.J.:    First, let me say it has NOTHING to do with Trade Wars. The
         Crunchy Frog Cabal, or the Church as it is sometimes called, is
         a loose dis-organization of Discordians and Monty Python
         freaks, based here in Nice. We're a semi-profit organization.

Dexter:  And that means...?

Bishop:  If anyone out there is dumb enough to send us money, we'll keep
         it.

Dexter:  Nice policy. How did the Church get started?

R.J.:    Well, that's classified. But I can tell you the Church started
         out in the late 80's on the Crunchy Frog BBS. It started out as
         a bunch of maniacs leaving messages at each other, survived a
         couple of holy wars and that sort of thing, and then evolved
         into what you see around you.

Dexter:  When did it change from a joke into a pseudo-Discordian
         society?

Bishop:  [Pointing at R.J.] HE did it. He got a copy of the _Principia
         Discordia_ and went all funny.

R.J.:    Oh, be quiet. You agreed with it once I told you you could be a
         Pope under the new rules. Actually, though, it started a long
         time ago, when I first read Shaw and Wilson's _The Illuminatus!
         Trilogy_, and I wondered about all those references they made
         to the Discordians and all that. Then Terry McCombs spotlighted
         Discordia in his God of the Month club, and I got Chaos in a
         big way. And then one day I came across a copy of _Principia_,
         and WHAM! Enlightenment!

Dexter:  I'm sure everyone out there is wondering about the benefits of
         joining the Church. What do you offer the new converts?

Bishop:  Actually, not much. If we ever get around to printing them up,
         official membership cards will be distributed. They'll get the
         official title of "Acolyte", and the authority to preach and
         proselytize and be officious at their own discretion. They'll
         have the knowledge that they're in on one of the silliest
         organizations ever thought up without chemical assistance.

Dexter:  Are there any important rules to follow?

R.J.:    Well, yes. Our members must constantly be aware of the evil and
         insipid off-line reader menace, and fight it at every turn (if
         they feel like it). They should watch Monty Python, laugh, and
         Get The Joke. They should follow our strictures, lest they be
         visited by The Right Heavyset Archbishop Chopper. And when we
         make some strictures up, we'll be sure to write them down and
         tell everyone. Other than saving one from certain bruising and
         laceration, conscientious observance of Church strictures can
         seriously help one's advancement in the Church. Of course,
         flagrant disregard for the strictures can often do the same.
         We'll let you know once we get some strictures made up.

Dexter:  Are there any serious restrictions on who can or cannot join?

R.J.:    Unlike SOME religions, the Church is an equal-opportunity
         church. Regardless of race, creed, belief, sex, intelligence
         quotient, and/or vegetarianism, we'll consider you just as
         carefully as the next guy. Sometimes we just don't consider
         you, we just flip a coin.

Dexter:  Speaking of belief, who do you... well... worship?

R.J.:    Nobody at the moment. Got any ideas? Actually, we have a few
         Saints. Er, one in fact. Monty, SysOp of the Crunchy Frog, our
         "base" in the telecommunications world. Quid pro quo. I mean,
         to an extent, some of us are Discordian, worshipping Eris and
         all that, but most of us are just along for the ride. Doesn't
         matter to me.

Dexter:  I see. What are some of the benefits of advancement in the
         Church?

R.J.:    Many. The ability to be smug at other people and dazzle them
         with your huge title. Official license to <SMITE> the person(s)
         of your choice. Free and unlimited use of the facilities here
         in Nice. Extended conferences with Cardinal Natasha (bring your
         own leather goods). Various and sundry things.

Dexter:  Nice.

Bishop:  No. NEECE. NEECE.

Dexter:  No, I meant... [Here I noticed the manic grins on their faces,
         and decided to give it up] never mind. Who are some of the
         other members of the Church?

R.J.:    Well, besides us, there are The Highly Recommended Pope
         Cardinal Natasha, The Right Heavyset Archbishop Chopper and his
         proxy, Bishop Pain, Pope Cardinal Baron Sir Rev. Rev. Dr. Dr.
         Dean C., Cardinal Terry McCombs, and Monk Eric. We've got a few
         bishoprics pending, and there are a few hundred faceless
         acolytes around, as you probably noticed. We're still looking
         for more members, though.

Dexter:  I see that some of the higher-ups have rather lengthy titles.
         Do the acolytes have any hope of achieving such poly-syllabic
         greatness?

Bishop:  Poly-syllabic greatness?!?

Dexter:  Well, you know what I mean.

Bishop:  Of course - I just never heard it put like that before.

R.J.:    Well, everyone starts out as Acolyte, and that's nowhere near
         as prestigious and fun as being a pope. Advancement in the
         Church is done very randomly. Certain events and achievements
         can affect one's rate of advancement, however...

Dexter:  Like what?

Bishop:  Let's just say that leaving dumb messages just to get "cute"
         taglines is BAD.

R.J.:    As for more titles, these are given out at will, by us. For
         example, right now, I could make you a bishop. Why not? Dexter
         Sinister is now Bishop Dexter Sinister, and should be treated
         with all applicable respect and care due a Bishop. And there
         was much rejoicing. Congrats.

Dexter:  Hey, thanks! With all these titles, how do you keep up with
         who's in charge and all that?

Bishop:  A clever point system will keep everyone in order, whenever we
         get around to designing it.

Dexter:  Makes sense. And now, on to political matters. What is the
         Church's stance on the major issues of today? Say, abortion?

R.J.:    We don't care. Run with it.

Dexter:  Hmm?

Bishop:  Just like he said. We don't forbid certain views, like SOME
         religions out there. If you want to do it, go ahead. We don't
         mind.

Dexter:  Very open-minded. And how does the Admiral de Coligny factor
         into all of this?

R.J.:    I'm sorry, who?

Dexter:  [Checking list of questions again] Oh, excuse me. Wrong list.
         Where would one go for more info on the Church?

Bishop:  Call the Crunchy Frog BBS, (205)956-1755. Leave mail to R.J. or
         me. Or leave a public message to "Timmy".

Dexter:  I see. Well, that's all for me. This is Bishop Dexter Sinister,
         reporting for Birmingham Telecommunications News, and signing
         off.

R.J.:    Hey Dexter, before you go, how about a tour of the Dungeon? I'm
         sure Cardinal Natasha would like to meet you...

Dexter:  Great! Let me just turn this...

<end of tape>

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Currently Untitled (fiction)
by Jeremy Lewis

Installment 1

It was almost sunrise when the old yellow car pulled into the driveway.
The car was so old that no one could remember what kind it was and
Herbert wasn't telling. All that mattered was that it drove well enough
and that Herbert liked it.  Herbert was the strongest man on the Earth
and he was also quite possibly the least intelligent.  His best friend
was R.G. Strangemind, who ironically happened to be the most intelligent
man on the Earth.  R.G. had been the only person on his block to build a
laser pistol at age nine, in fact he had been the only person to ever
build a laser pistol.

Herbert stepped out of the car and walked up the driveway to R.G.'s
house.  Herbert knocked on the door and then opened it.

"Are you ready for work?" he bellowed in his uniquely loud voice.  R.G.
entered the room.  R.G. was a tall, wild eyed, lanky individual whose
hair often reminded people of a cat being electrocuted.  He wore a white
lab coat and he carried a piece of toast in his right hand.  He was the
complete opposite of Herbert, who was the perfect image of masculine
strength.

"You are late!" screeched R.G. in his mouse-like voice, "What is your'
reason?"

Herbert spoke sheepishly and with much shuffling of his feet, "I
couldn't find my keys."

At this R.G. became angry.  "And where were your' keys," he asked
impatiently.

"In the ignition," replied Herbert.

R.G. was so angry at this moment that the toaster decided to explode,
quite surprising the table upon which it had been sitting.  Herbert
leapt back with the speed and agility of a tiger, avoiding a flying
piece of toast and tripping over the coffee table.  R.G., however, was
hit by the deadly piece of breakfast paraphernalia and was knocked to
the floor.

"What happened," asked Herbert.

"The toaster exploded, you idiot," replied R.G. "What else would send
toast flying all over the room?"  With that episode at an end and with
the extinguishing of a small table in the kitchen, the unlikely pair set
of for work.

to be continued...

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Notes from the Trenches:  Stranger In An All-Too-Familiar Land
by Dean Costello
                
     Well, I am indeed in Maryland, and what a curious place it seems to
be.  Toll roads, road construction as far as the eye can see, and
expensive food prices (a hamburger at McDonalds [what I use as an
indicator of cost of living] is $.88).

     I think that the basic problem is that I had a tendency to
romanticize about how nice a place it is.  I forgot about the
mind-numbing tediousness of my hometown.  To give you insight, Cambridge
is somewhat like Alabaster, except the river is wider and the attitude
is more redneck.  Yes, there are more rednecks per capita here than
anywhere else in Alabama.  Kind of curious, really, which I guess is why
I rebelled so hard against Alabama when I first got here ("Holy Christ!
It's just like Maryland, except there's no Chesapeake).

     But as Mom always says, "Life's what you make of it", which just
gets me more annoyed since I am looking for something concrete, not just
a homily.  But one thing about this town, homilies abound.  Everything
is 'good enough for my grandfather, and its good enough for me' and
therefore I 'should just be grateful and satisfied with what I've got.'
I hear an awful lot of 'You're not that great', but mostly in asides
from Mom, but that is not for discussion here.  'Who do I think I am?'
for daring to think that there is something more to life than working
for $7.50/hour at a job I despise, getting two six-packs of Budweiser on
the weekend and getting into my '74 Duster, and circle the strip in
Cambridge all weekend.  It is like mediocrity is not just a personality
quality to be appreciated, but it should be strived for.  Failure is
okay, as best I can figure, but don't rub others' noses in it.

     Success is only proper based on local mores, which in this case
usually means via land raping or flat-out exploitation of workers. A
kind of social stratus based on the number of citations from EPA that
your corporation has garnered, as it were.  And the local
'intelligentsia' wonders why the best of the graduation classes get the
hell out of Dodge the day after commencement exercises at the football
field.  I was sitting down the other day trying to figure out who was
still here and who was gone.  Of the top 10% of my class, or so, there
are only 3 of us left, and that is including me.

     I want to hit the mediocrity thing a little harder, here.  There is
one girl in my class, Alpha (not here real name, obviously). Fairly
intelligent, ranked about 10th out of the 256 or so that graduated with
my class.  One month after graduation, I saw her at the local bowling
alley.  She had fallen in with a group I would describe as lowlifes.  I
spoke with Alpha, albeit briefly under the jealous eye of the chief
lowlife who apparently assumed that I wanted to rustle the chief filly
of his herd and move her into my corral, and I discovered that she had
lost most of her upper-level thought processes, along with a better part
of her spoken grammatical ability.  In other words, Alpha, a promising
female, had done what I have seen all too often in females--she is
playing stupid for the benefit of a very stupid male (trust me on this,
I knew the guy from high school).  The thing that bothers me is that it
isn't just nodded at here in Dorchester County, the way it is in many
areas, but it is both expected by the female and encouraged by the
female's family.  Another girl, whom I shall call Beta, was probably the
single most intelligent female I have ever met.  When we spoke together,
when I was thinking as hard and fast as I could, I could tell that her
mind was only a little bit occupied by the discussion, and the rest of
her brain was being used for solving global hunger, world peace, and
curing cancer; in general, while smoke was coming out of my ears, her
brain was just barely idling.  A scary person to speak with.  Kind of
like Brett Thorn, except she really did know all the answers and didn't
need the superior smile, or a Chris Mohney without the smartass
(Finally, the local tie-in is finished).  Anyway, her  boyfriend told
her one night that they should have sex so that she would become
pregnant and then she would have to marry him.  And the shocking thing
was that she wasn't the least bit offended at being considered chattel.
What her boyfriend did was acceptable behavior.  It is apparently
appropriate for the area males to act like a bunch of Bedouins. I
haven't heard from Alpha for a while, I think that she has a couple of
kids, and her husband was laid off from his factory job when it closed
in 1985.  Beta was accepted into Cornell in the Biology department, got
stomped badly, switched over to Computer Science, and that was the last
I have heard.

     Speaking in an unorthodox manner is also frowned upon.  You know
the old greeting drill, "Hello", "Hello", "How are you?", "Fine"; that
everyone goes through?  I try to switch it up a little with "Hey"
instead of the second hello, and "A tad tired, I reckon" instead of the
'fine'.  I get looked at so strangely.  "Who do you think you are?" is
the usual expression I get.  Also, I must concede a point.  A bunch of
you have always fallen back on the old saw, "Southerners are nicer".
Well, kind of nicer, in a superficial way, since I have noticed that you
(plural) are as much a bunch of treacherous back stabbing bastards as
anyone. There are some things to be said for the hovering that
salespeople do when you enter their store.  Here, few people hold doors,
reply to random "Hey"s on the street, say "How are you?" at the
supermarket checkout; you know, that kind of thing.  Whether or not that
is good I'm not sure.  It is different.

     Now don't get too carried away with the "Ah-ha!  Dean admits the
South is better than the North!"  I always deify a region after I leave
it.  I assume that if I do come back for any length of time, I would
start to remember the neighbors next door, or the crappy drivers,
tornadoes, and the abandoned cars pretty quickly.  I imagine that if I
were to go back to Pennsylvania for any length of time, I would also
start remembering that no beer is served on Sundays, the lack of
restaurants, the surly townsfolk, and the really bad roads.  It is all a
matter of perception, I would assume. For some reason, hindsight and
reminiscences always color something to be much better than it actually
was.  Remember how big your parent's house was?  Or the back yard?  Or
the local theater?  Perception changes over time, as it will with
everyone.

     Soon, Birmingham will enter with South Jersey and Central
Pennsylvania as being the Best Places that I have ever lived, and
eventually, if and when I ever get a real job, Maryland will again be
placed in my pantheon of previous residences as the Land of Milk and
Honey.  But for the time being, it is pretty much as William Donald
Shaffer, our Governor, said: "The Eastern Shore is a shithouse."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

                     **** SURVEY SUGGESTIONS ****


         Or, "Who Asked You Anyway?  (*I* DID, bwahahahahaha)"

              an official address of suggestions offered
             for the next Unofficial Birmingham BBS Survey
     ----------       ----------       ----------       ----------

                                                  by Scott Hollifield


If you've followed the evolution of the infamous BBS Survey since its
genesis, you have a pretty good handle on how it got to be where it is
now, following a path of intrigue and controversy since the first issue
of BTN, in 1988.  The first and most notorious of the surveys was run on
ONE board in town, Channel 8250, and the results stirred up so much dust
that I publicly asked for suggestions that I could use for the next one.

Only I made a mistake.  I did it in a message base.  Where people could
REPLY to me, in 50-line messages.  And they did.  And EVERYONE had their
own ideas.  People who were on Channel 8250 during this time will
remember the ensuing discussion well; it was a debate that lasted
several months and made me doubt my ultimate purposes more than once.

Overwhelmed and somewhat intimidated by all this hubbub, I took the
other extreme the next year: I asked for NO one's opinion, and created
the survey by myself.  The result netted about 400 voters and is what
you read in BTN last month.  Actually, I misspeak myself somewhat; there
WAS a question last year that asked for suggestions, but few people took
the time to offer substantial suggestions.

This year was a bit different.  Over half of the participants said
SOMETHING in response to that last question in the survey, and much of
it was insightful thoughtful critique.  However, rather than stir up
another message base debate, I decided to do this article.

What I'm doing here is recapping the most popular or most relevant
suggestions offered in response to this year's question #30: "Please
mention any suggestions you might have that would improve this survey."
I'm going to paraphrase or sum up each suggestion, then provide my own
commentary - whether or not I think it's a good one, why I will or won't
use it, etc.

Here we go!

---------

** Ask what users would like to see more/less of on a BBS.

This is quite a good idea and will probably make it into the next
questionnaire in some form.  Such a question might help sysops determine
how to improve their own BBSs, instead of simply being told that their
board isn't adequate or whatever.  I also re-instate the "Why?"
questions from last year.

** Create a way for people to answer the questionnaire offline.

This is something a couple of people mentioned last year.  It seems that
a good many people have difficulty coming up with on-the-spot answers
and would really like the time to think some up.  That's fine with me.
I sort of tried to initiate this idea on The Connection this year but
couldn't because of technical problems on my end.  Next year, I will
provide a list of the questions in downloadable form, perhaps free of
transfer ratio obligation, if the sysops are willing; I might see about
getting such a list in BTN before the surveying starts.  That way,
anyone who wants to can compose a list of numbered answers at their own
leisure and mail them to me on one of the BBSs.

** Why the questions on television, music, etc.??

Some voters seemed rather frustrated that I had dared to include
questions in the questionnaire that were not BBS-related. The reasoning
for this is rather simple.. I just thought that after answering a slew
of BBS questions, users might enjoy answering a question or two that had
nothing to do with computers or modems.  Since so many people had
something to say about this, I will consider paring this aspect of the
survey down a bit next time.

** The questionnaire is too long!

Tough beans.  One user suggested that I warn people how long it's going
to be, which I may well do.

** The questionnaire is too short!

      Aahhhhh...

** Leave out "least favorite" questions.

This is probably the most controversial aspect of the survey. People are
sometimes sensitive to being criticized by people they don't even know,
and some sysops don't like the idea of having their boards shot down by
faceless voters who don't realize all the work and time that's been put
into running a BBS. However, my advice to these people is: get thicker
skins.  I could propose some argument in defense of these questions,
something to the effect that sysops and users-who-post-a-lot lose a bit
of their right not to be talked about while gaining a bit of celebrity
status but I won't bother.  Lots of people enjoyed these questions too.
It's fine if you don't want to answer them, lots of people didn't.  But
keep in mind that the results of this survey are meant in the most
INsincere context as possible, and shouldn't be taken seriously.  Have
fun with it.

** Ask for a third-favorite BBS and sysop.

I did this last year; not enough people responded to make it worth
tallying.

** Ask about favorite (non-terminal) software.

I'm not interested in knowing what your favorite game/
spreadsheet/desktop/etc. is.  The survey is geared toward questions
concerning the local BBS scene, and so it will remain.

** Make it a secret ballot.

It already is as secret as I can get it.  The only people who see the
names of the voters are myself and whomever I choose to help compile the
results (this year, Dean Costello).  Complete anonymity tends to
encourage cheating, which was attempted this year.

** Fix the survey so that long distance callers can take part.

The name of the game is: Unofficial BIRMINGHAM BBS Poll. Long distance
users are enough of a minority that their votes for out-of-town BBSs,
sysops, etc. don't sway the curve anyway. I did deal with long distance
voters a bit differently this year, however.  Up until now, I've
eliminated all votes cast by long distance callers.  However, there has
since arisen a small number of LD callers who, in finding only boredom
among their own local scene, visit the rich Birmingham BBS community
more often than their own.  If a person, LD or not, appears to have a
healthy interest in the Birmingham scene (i.e. if s/he responds to
enough questions with B'ham answers), then I count their votes. This is
done at my discretion.

** Add color.
** Put the options in a window.
** Mouse support.

These are all technical suggestions that are impossible for me to
implement.  I am bound by the limits of the board.  Oh, well, I guess I
COULD put in color if I really wanted to, but I have a monochrome
monitor - so why should I suffer?

** Disregard the stupid people.

Will do.  Anyone who henceforth claims to be stupid can have their votes
discounted if they so wish.

** Make gender a feature of the results.

That sounds like it might be interesting, especially since Birmingham
has more female users than ever before.  It might be possible for me to
count the males and female based on their names, but some names are
ambiguous.  This may pop up next year as a question.

** Give a listing of the Birmingham BBSs.

Such a list is available in BTN every month.

** Make the questions multiple choice.

There are too many boards, sysops, and users in this town for this to be
a feasible option.

** Make the questions funnier.

Hmmm.  This sounds like a Crunchy Frog vote.  Talk to Monty about
putting in some more script questionnaires.

** Leave Dean out of the compilation process.

At the time, Dean was available.  I used him and his apartment, and
that's all there is to it.  You can get a lot of good food delivered to
you if you live in Southside, which I found out.

** Ask people's opinions about pay-BBSs.

We already know all there is to know about this old topic. No one likes
to pay for BBS use, but sysops do need the money.

** More technical questions.

I don't know any.

** Questions of an immoral nature.

I don't know any.

** Ask for more than one answer for "favorite BBS, sysop", etc.

That would kind of defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?  As a compromise, I
did ask for second-favorite, which counts half as much as "favorite".
It seemed to work okay.

---------

There, that will do it for this year.  If I didn't mention your
suggestion, then you were the only one to offer it *and* I didn't
think it was worth addressing.  Probably.

I hope to get a somewhat early jump on the survey this time, so that I
can get all my procrastinating over with before the end of the year.
Look for the Fourth Annual Unofficial Birmingham BBS Poll coming to a
bulletin board near you sometime this fall.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

                             WHY I COMPUTE
                             by Ricky Eanes

Why do I compute?  What a question.  Well, there are many reasons.

First of all, I compute for simple fun.  I enjoy everything behind
BBSing very much.  I love being able to get free or shareware games,
playing on-line games, and most of all, communicating with people via
chatting or with messages.  I am shy in real life, but in BBSing I can
be a whole different person since no one really knows who I am.

As many of you know, I am 13, and this does make it kind of difficult.
Some people refuse to have anything to do with me just because I'm a
kid.  I'm not an adult, and I'm glad I'm not.  That always kind of makes
me different from all the other users.  Anyway, messages are probably my
favorite part of BBSing.  I love echoes especially.  Particularly
"teens" conferences.  Although most of the teens on there are more like
18 or 19, there are a few people my age, and it is fun to chat with
them.

Files are a very important part of the reason why I compute.  I now have
many games that I can play anytime I want.  The shareware concept is
great, because I have had several experiences with buying software that
I don't like and then being stuck with it.

I used to be a doors freak, but I have chilled a little in this area.  I
still like playing chess and card sharks, but I never have really gotten
into the in-depth doors.

Computing has changed me, but not necessarily for the better. I have
become a "compu-hermit".  I am trying to ease off a bit, but I don't
know if I can.  Anyway, here are some noticeable differences. These show
what was BEFORE I got into computers.

1. Vulcan was a statue.

2. Crunchy frog was something dad's always say they stepped on.

3. Alter-Ego was that guy named Clark that came out of me.  I still
   don't know who he was.

4. Arkham Asylum was where the Joker was being held (and he still
   is).

5. The bus system was something that maids took to work.

6. Camelot was something from the Middle Ages.

7. A monitor was someone who tattles kids who talk.

8. A script was something that actors forgot.

9. A file was a piece of cardboard kept in a big metal case.

10.A door was something that kept your mom out of your room.

11.I had my sanity.

12.A conference was something you slept through at work.

13.Board was what I was before I got my computer (hehehehe).

14.A disk drive was a floppy with wheels.

15.A phone line was what you used for your voice phone.

16.A dip switch was a button on Dean's head.

17.Monk was someone who lived and worked at a monastery.

18.Cardinal was a bird.

19.Dean was a priest.

Well, I guess now I'm supposed to tell you about when I first got my
computer and got into BBSing.  Well, I first really wanted a computer
after having a computer class in school.  We used Radio Shack Color
Computer 2's or something like that, and I thought they could really
cook.  All they had was BASIC, and that's mainly what we did. Anyway, we
finally did get a computer in 1989.  When my dad bought a modem, mouse,
and printer with it, I thought this was just a waste of money.  I never
thought I'd ever actually find a use for the modem.

I obviously did.  One of my friends, Brent Elliott, had somehow gotten
his hands on a list of some local boards.  One day when I was over at
his house, I copied down the numbers for Crunchy Frog and Duck Pond.  As
far as I knew, these were the only boards that existed. I got kind of
active on Duck Pond,  but Crunchy Frog was too weird for me at the time.

Those were my only two boards for a long time.  Finally, someone else at
school gave me the number for the Matrix.  Wow, now I called three
boards.  One day, my mom saw an article in the newspaper about
tele-computing.  It gave a few more numbers.  From one of those boards,
I got the BTN list.  I freaked when I saw all the boards there were.  I
just couldn't believe that all these people would go to all the trouble
just for a hobby.

During all of this, I did all my board calling with Bitcom, some stupid
program that came with my modem.  The ANSI driver barely worked, and the
program couldn't do anything.  I was stuck with Xmodem, and so I didn't
download that many files.  One day I splurged and got DSZ, and my life
was forever changed.

Before I bore you completely (it may be too late), I will just say that
I eventually got Ez-Reader and got hooked.  That was when I became
active in the message bases.  Not too long ago I finally got Telix and
love it.

Nowadays, I will download any file that I want.  Transfer time means
little or nothing to me.  I am hooked on BBSes.

I have changed in many ways since I started computing.  I have made new
friends on boards (well, a few, maybe).  I actually have something to
talk about at school with my friends.  There are many computer freaks at
school, but most of them don't have modems.  The ones that do have them
call my private board a lot and we write messages and all. Since they
told me too, and kind of helped me with this article, there names are:
Michael Davidson, Brent Elliott, and Bill Flanders.  If you meet any of
these creatures on local boards be as mean a possible to them and tell
them I sent ya.

Overall, I guess the reason that I compute is mainly to communicate with
other people, without having to leave my house.  I can be as shy or as
bold as I want, and people have no way of knowing how old I am or what
job I have (especially since I don't have one).

If you want to make comments to me, "Go ahead.  Make my day". All I have
to say is, "At least I finally got to write an article for BTN!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

        The following was provided to me by Mark Shafer, a
        strange New York banker who, for some reason,
        frequents the Crunchy Frog.  It is reminiscent of an
        article Ricky Morgan wrote a few months back and you
        will find it entertaining. Unfortunately, the
        author's name has been lost to the ages. MM

YOU NEED HELP!

"Did you know that last months damn phone bill was $450?" scolded Bill
in his harshest, my-wife-the-child voice. That's more than TWICE THE
MONTHLY PAYMENTS YOU MAKE FOR THAT F***ING COMPUTER!" he continued as he
escalated to screaming. "I confess! I confess" his wife sobbed. "I'm
just an on-line junkie - I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll have to
join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to AT&T".

As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the
preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is
exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our society's
computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of
our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it
is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming such a
calamity that soon there's even going to be a soap opera about on-line
addiction called "As The Modem Turns."
 
If you don't already own one of those evil instruments called a modem,
TAKE WARNING! Don't even think about buying one. Modem fever sets in
very quietly and insidiously. It sneaks up on you and then grabs you by
the wallet, checkbook or, heaven forbid, credit cards.

Once you own a modem, you enter this addictive trap by "dialing up" a
friend who also has a modem. For some strange reason, typing messages to
each other fascinates you, even though communicating this way is less
than 10% of the speed you can achieve speaking the same words over a
telephone. Then your modem buddy (friend is too good a term) sews
another seed on the road to on-line addiction. He gives you the number
of a local Bulletin Board Service. Once you get the BBS phone number,
you've taken the first fatal step in the journey that can only end in
on-line addiction.

After you take that step by dialing up the BBS your modem buddy told you
about, you find that it's very easy to "log on." This weird form of
conversation with an unattended computer is strangely exciting, much
more than you are on-line with your modem buddy.

The initial bulletins scroll by and inform you about the board, but you
are too "up" to comprehend most of it. Then you read some of the
messages in the message section and maybe, in a tentative manner, you
enter one or two of your own. That's fun, but the excitement starts to
wear off; you're calming down. Thinking that it might be worthwhile to
go back and re-read the log-on bulletins, you return to the main BBS
menu.

THEN IT HAPPENS... The BBS provides the bait that entices you all the
way into the fiery hell of modem addiction. As you look at the BBS main
menu to learn how to return to the log-on bulletins, you find an item
called FILES. By asking the BBS for FILES, you thread the bait onto the
hook of corruption; the FILES submenu sets the hook. You leap into the
air with the sheer joy of flight when all those public domain program
titles and descriptions scroll by. And they are all FREE!!! All you have
to do is tell the bulletin board to transmit them to you. You download
your first program and you're landed! In the creel, cleaned and ready
for the cooking fires. In just 55 minutes after you've logged on to the
board, you've downloaded 6 programs, one of them being John Friel's
Qmodem SST, version 4.1 (truly an instrument of the devil.)

BBSLIST, which is also among the files you downloaded, contains a list
of a great number of bulletin boards throughout the country. (There is
evil all around us, constantly tempting us!) You print this list and
find about 600 BBS phone numbers. (Have mercy on our souls!)

You try the number again and it's busy. You try again - still busy. You
think "Hey, there's one that specializes in messaging. Maybe I'll try
it. It's in Mt Vernon, but its after 9:PM and the phone rates have
changed. It wont be too expensive."

The board answers. After 45 minutes you've read 100 new messages. Then
you call another board - only this one is completely across the country
from New York, in California. And so it goes on into the night. And the
next night.. And the next.. And the next..

Some days it gets to you. You begin to feel the dirtiness of modem
addiction, particularly when your mate makes you feel like a child by
berating you for those astronomical phone bills - if he/she hasn't
divorced you by then. Every night you sit down before your IBM PC to do
some work and instead you dial up another BBS, If that one is busy, you
call another and another and another until you connect. Then you feel
ok.. almost high. When you hang up, you still can't work so you call
another BBS.

Your downfall as an on-line addict is just another one of this society's
terrible tragedies, such as polygamy or the compulsion to circle numbers
on computer magazine "bingo cards." Eventually your whole social life
relies upon only the messages you find on electronic bulletin boards;
your only happiness is in the programs you've downloaded. (You never try
any of them, you only collect them.)

Hope exists, however. We, the dedicated but underpaid staff of Modem
Anonymous, have done extensive research to find a cure for modem mania,
which has been ruining thousands of lives. And we have succeeded in our
quest. The cure is really quite simple, yet effective:

Set up your own remote bulletin board service. Then all the other modem
addicts will phone you, and their mates can nag at them about $450 phone
bills. And you can find peace at last.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Review:  Wing Commander
by Colby Gibson

First off, I want to say if you have an XT and you are considering
buying this game, DON'T.

A little bit of history:
From what I have learned, in the future, the Humans developed FTL
(faster than light) technology. Jumping outward into the galaxy, they
discovered an interesting race of beings that are known as the Kilrathi.
Cat-featured, these kitties didn't like the human race very much. They
decided to eradicate us. This sparked that war between the Kilrathi and
the Confederation.

At the outset, you are a 2nd. Lieutenant aboard the TCS Tiger's Claw, a
VERY large and powerful Confederation Fighter carrier.

Your mission is to carry out the mission instructions that Halycon gives
you, and destroy as many Kilrathi fighters as possible. YOU decide if
the Confederation wins the war. If you do excellent, the Confederation
does excellent. If you screw up and get the hell beat out of you,
likewise to the Confederation.

This game is wonderful. Full 256 color support, oriented more toward the
FAST computers around. A 286 and above is recommended to play this game.
You can use a Joystick or the keyboard, the keyboard probably being the
best choice. The game has EXCELLENT sound card support, Adlib and
SoundBlaster included.

You will fly your missions in several different types of fighters. There
are four. Here they are and a rundown of the schematics.


Hornet: This is a small, fast little fighter. It is armed with two Laser
        Cannons, 2 Dart DF missiles, and one Javelin lockon missile. The
        hornet's shields are weak, and armor is weak, but the Hornet, in
        the hands of a master, can wreck havok with even the Jalthi of
        the Kilrathi.

Scimitar: This fighter, well to put it quite frankly, sucks to hell. It
          is, however, armed with two Mass Drivers. They are projectile
          launchers that have greater range than the Lasers and do more
          damage. They have 2 Dart DF missiles and 3 Javelin lockon
          missiles. It is extremely slow and hard to maneuver.

Raptor: This is my personal favorite. It is just about equal in speed to
        the Hornet, but has MUCH stronger shields and armor. It is armed
        with two Mass Drivers and Two Neutron Guns ( these weapons do
        great amounts of damage but only at short range.) It has a Pilum
        FF (Friend or Foe) missile, Porcupine ( a Kilrathi one your
        tail? Let it go, no more kitty.) some Spiculum IR missiles, and
        an array of other missiles.

Rapier: This is the most defensively effective vessel. It is armed with
        two Lasers and Two Neutron guns, 2 Pilum FF, a Spiculum, and two
        Dart DFs. It is extremely fast, and has the most powerful
        shields of any fighter.


To more understand the Kilrathi arsenal, here are their fighters.

Dralthi: This is a small, circular vessel. It is quick, but will usually
         pull up or down to shake you. A missile will generally destroy
         it. It has two lasers.

Salthi: It is an EXTREMELY quick and agile fighter, armed with two
        lasers also.

Krant: This vessel can take a beating, which is also armed with two
       lasers. Not as maneuverable as the Dralthi, but can kick your
       rear if you don't get behind him.

Gratha: A slow, but very powerful and heavily armored and shielded
        workhorse. They are armed with two Mass Drivers and Two lasers.
        It will take a GREAT amount of damage before buying the farm.

Jalthi: The GREATEST threat to you if you are heading at it head-on. It
        is armed with three lasers and three Neutron guns. Slow,
        sluggish, and not very agile, it will murder you if you don't
        get behind it.


As a pilot, at first, you WILL stink. Badly. But, as you get better and
better at it, you can fly sole missions against squads of 7 or 8 jalthi
with a Scimitar and come out alive.

You start off in a Hornet. You will be promoted, up to a Scimitar and
above as you do good. If you don't do well, you'll get demoted.

You will be asked to perform a variety of missions. Here is a great deal
of them.

Escort: You will probably either escort a Drayman to its Jump point, or
        go to the Jump point, get the 'sport, and bring it back to the
        Tiger's Claw.

Patrol: Just fly around to different nav points, and do dogfights.

Pick off: You'll go out and destroy either Dorkir/Lumbari transports or
          Ralari/Fralthi destroyers.

Defend: Fighters come at the Tiger's Claw. You must destroy them.

Sweep: Precede the Tiger's claw and sweep a path clear of Kilrathi
fighters.


After you play the game for a while, you will learn certain
technicalities that will happen. If Halycon says that there MIGHT be a
Fralthi out there, there WILL be and you had better toast it. He might
say that you can only use missiles to destroy a star post. Garbage. Use
ship's guns and destroy it. Missiles do help, however.

You will usually be with a Wingman. They just fly around and, if they
get lucky, destroy 1 or 2 Kilrathi fighters in a mission. I usually
shoot all the fighters where they don't get any kills. The best Wingman
is IceMan. He is good.

Here's a list of other Wingmen\Wingwomen.

Spirit     Knight
Angel      Maniac (Maniac may disobey your orders)
Paladin    Iceman
Bossman    Hunter

You will probably fly with most of them. Get to know them.


         Here's a list of Capital ships.

Confederation: Tiger's Claw
               Corvette
               Exeter (a big destroyer.)
               Drayman (A large transport)

Kilrathi: Ralari ( A small destroyer)
          Fralthi ( A LARGE destroyer)
          Lumbari (A transport)
          Dorkir  (A transport)
          Sivar (A laser dreadnought. If you don't
          yet have the Secret Missions disk, don't
          worry. You won't see it.)


 While you are flying, there are several pointers that I will give, then
I'll end this article.

Pointer one: When your shields get hit, your guns recharge MUCH slower.
             Use your afterburners to get away from trouble to build
             them back up.)

Pointer Two: NEVER, EVER use your afterburners in an Asteroid field or
             Mine Field. You'll hit one and blow up.

Pointer three: Remember, the best way to fight an enemy fighter is to
               hit it from behind. Don't charge it from front unless it
               is a Dralthi or Krant and you are in a Raptor.

Pointer Four: You can use the Nav Computer to skip asteroid belts and
              other things to get to the important stuff.

Pointer Five: USE YOUR INSTRUMENTS! If you don't, you'll be breathing
              vacuum.

Origin systems did a GREAT JOB on this game. Remember that Wing
Commander II: The Kilrathi Revenge is due out in June. Be on the lookout
for it. Later.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Simearth:  The Living Planet
A review by  Jeff Hollingsworth

Simearth is a simulator for the evolution of a planet.  You control all
aspects of atmosphere, geosphere, and biosphere, and civilization, if
any occurs.  You can cause natural disasters to alter the shape and life
of your planet.  You can terraform at will and cover the surface of your
planet as you wish.  Your goal in this simulator is to take the planet
you choose through a complete life cycle for its inhabitants.  You do
not have to start at the beginning but it is more of a challenge.  In
summary, you can play creator.

Simearth comes with a full reference manual that describes the loading
of the game, as well as aspects of play.  It goes into detail of each
category and/or option that is available in the game.  In addition to
the user's manual, there is a section on earth science so one can learn
as well as enjoy while learning Simearth.  Don't be frightened by the
large and imposing looking manual.  It is actually very easy to read and
understand.  The writers of this book did an excellent job of indexing
and arranging the information needed to understand and use this complex
simulator.  For those of you who do not like to read manuals, the
simulator does offer online help, tutorial, and glossary.

It just doesn't get much easier than Simearth when it comes to
installing it on your system.  Your master disk can be run from either
A: or B: drives.  Type INSTALL and you will be walked through the
procedure in English.  You are given options for video mode, audio, and
hard drive selection.  You will require a hard drive and an EGA or VGA
graphics adapter.  You may optionally use your PC speaker, Adlib,
Soundblaster, or other enhanced sound cards for audio.  A mouse is also
optional.

The interface for Simearth will accept input from either the keyboard or
a mouse.  The screen is very flexible for the user. The top line of the
screen is set aside for pull-down menus that offer the options for play.
Many options open windows, some of which are user adjustable as to size.
In addition, you can have multiple windows open at once and may move
them around on the screen to wherever suits you.  The screen interface
is quite similar to Microsoft Windows in look but is quite fast, at
least on my 386SX.  You scroll around your world by moving the mouse to
the edge of the screen in whatever direction you wish to travel, or by
viewing a globe or map window and moving an editing block to the section
of the planet you wish to view.

Thanks to the interface, I was able to adjust to its methods very
quickly and get on with enjoying the simulator.  The online tutorial and
glossary enhanced my learning curve leading me onto more advanced
challenges in the planet maintenance business. When I ran into trouble,
the online help precluded my ever having to go back to my manual.  As a
result, I haven't had to spend any significant amount of time away from
the game because of difficulties understanding some aspect of it.

Simearth is well worth the price and has afforded me many hours of
entertainment and insight into the ways the earth works.  I intend to
spend many more hours enhancing my skills and highly recommend it to
anyone who is interested in the way the world and its many inhabitants
interact with each other.  Be warned though, the game is time consuming
because there are so many details to be reckoned with, and it is at
least mildly addictive.  I suggest to the beginner that you at least
thumb through the manual and run through the tutorial's walk-through.
You will be rewarded with useful information and avoid many costly
mistakes in your early play by following this advice.  As for video
mode, if you have VGA, I suggest that you use 640x480x16 as it will be
fast to update and it is quite attractive enough for our purposes.  I do
suggest you use a mouse as it makes moving through the windows much
easier and faster.

Like many games on the market, Simearth does require some real estate on
the ole hard drive.  It requires about 1 megabyte of hard drive space
and runs best with 640K of memory.

Simearth by Maxis, copyright 1990...$50 approx.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

What is an ECHO or how does my message get  from board to board.
By Fred Hambrecht Sysop Abject Poverty (680-9680)

Many of the new users are sometimes confused, they post a message on a
board and later log on to another to see the same message. I recently
had a user who was convinced he had stepped into the twilight zone. He
had posted a message on my board, I answered and he later logged into
the Matrix and saw the answer. He knew his password and the phone number
were different, but here was the answer. "How did this happen", he
asked.

I guess the place to start is with a little history of "networking" in
the Birmingham area. Here is a quote from Ed O'Neill:


        "Way back in 1988, before the wide  spread
        proliferation  of echo  mail software,  I was  at a
        meeting of local SysOps when the topic turned to
        setting up a conference on one of our boards  where
        we could call in and share a  forum.  I,  almost
        casually, remarked that I could write a program to
        send mail back and forth between our individual
        systems and totally automate the transfer so  our
        messages would be available each morning without
        having to call  out to a common board."

                                  Ed O'Neill
                                  in his EZNet Documentation

Thus was born EZNet, I remember the first time I say it, I logged on to
Ice Princess's now defunct board and saw messages from 8250, "Wow! this
is neat!" While this article will concern itself with only the EZNet
conference, EZNet was actually a group of conferences. In the early days
each board or "NODE" of Eznet would automatically call Ed's board and
deposit the daily messages and pick up messages from the other boards.

Some things that go on are mind boggling.  Lets assume you log on to
Alter Ego and leave Message #1012 about Ricky Eanes quoting too much.
This message is then sent via the net to Crunchy Frog where it shows up
as Message #3422 on the frog.  Ricky calls the Frog, quotes the whole
message as message #3488, and it then returns to Alter Ego as message
#1130. Now when you read Ricky's message, it will show referenced to
#1012 on Alter Ego. but if you were to call the Frog it would reference
message #3422. A lot of thought went into this sort of thing that most
users never consider.

A few months back Ed decided to get out of the EZNet Central Business
and we were faced with a problem. Rocky Rawlins (Matrix) agreed to pick
up the conferences on Matrix but was running different net software. It
was decided that he would set up two ways to network the information,
and the new net was born.

A little about the network software: Here in Birmingham we have pretty
much settled on two packages RNet and Netmail.  These packages both work
much like the mail door you use with your offline readers. The big
difference is that they accept messages from many different names while
logged in as a single name.

Here is how the net is set up today,


                   ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ» (N)
         ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¶ Matrix (Central Hub) ÇÄÄÄÄÄ¿
         ³         ÈÑÍÑÍÑÍÑÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÑÍÑÍÑÍÍ¼     ³
         ³          ³ ³ ³ ³        ³ ³ ³        ³
         ³ (N)      ³ ³ ³ ³        ³ ³ ³        ³
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÏÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»  ³ ³ ³ ³        ³ ³ ³ ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÏÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º Abject Poverty º  ³ ³ ³ ³        ³ ³ ³ º      S T         º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ¼  ³ ³ ³ ³        ³ ³ ³ ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ¼
                (N) ³ ³ ³ ³        ³ ³ ³  (R)
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»  ³ ³ ³ ³        ³ ³ ³ ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º Alter Ego      ÇÄÄÙ ³ ³ ³        ³ ³ ÀÄ¶  Crunchy Frog    º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ¼    ³ ³ ³        ³ ³   ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ¼
                      ³ ³ ³        ³ ³    (N)
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ» (N)³ ³ ³        ³ ³   ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º Jokers Castle  ÇÄÄÄÄÙ ³ ³        ³ ÀÄÄÄº  Little Kingdom  º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ¼      ³ ³        ³     ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ¼
                        ³ ³        ³      (N)
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ» (N)  ³ ³        ³     ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º Bloom County   ÇÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ³        ÀÄÄÄÄÄ¶      8 2 5 0     º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ¼        ³      ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÊÍÍÍÑÍÍÍÑÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ¼
                          ³      ³     ÚÄÄÄÄÄÙ   ³ (N)
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ» (N)    ³      ³     ³ ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÏÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º Magnolia       ÇÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ      ³     ³ º    The Bus       º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ¼               ³     ³ ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ¼
                                 ³     ³            (R)
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ» (P)           ³     ³ ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º   Byte Me      ÇÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ     ÀÄ¶ Radio Free Troad º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ¼                       ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ¼

 (N)= NetMail                (R)= Rnet          (P)= (Omega Ohm's)

 So as you post a message on your favorite board, it is then sent to The
Matrix either direct or in the case of a couple of boards in two hops to
the Matrix and then to all the other boards. Remember we are only
talking about the EZNet conference. Next month we will see some of the
more complex connections for other echos.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

ProFile
by Chris Mohney

The ProFile is a short, half-serious biographical sketch given to
various computer telecommunications personalities around Birmingham.
Victims are selected randomly from a group of names put into the
notorious Hat.  Anyone who thinks himself brave or witty enough may
petition for admittance to the Hat by leaving E-Mail to me (Chris
Mohney, most boards around town) to that effect.  Anyone who wishes to
suggest more questions or sneakily nominate someone without their
knowledge may take the same route....

---------

       Pro File on  LURCH HENSON

---------

Age: 27
 
Birthplace: Ft. Bragg, NC
 
Occupation: Commodore Computer Rep at Ft. Rucker, Al
 
My hobbies include: Telecommunications, Tinkology, Reading, Inventing
                    interesting devices, Weapons of all types,
                    Computers, Puzzles, the Pleasuring of Women, the
                    Craft, and anything that is capable of holding my
                    interest.
 
Years telecomputing: About 5 - 7
 
Sysop, past/present/future of: Lurch's Place BBS, The Maze, The Unknown
                               BBS, The Hellfire Special BBS,
                               Sex-for-Sex's Sake BBS, The Enterprise
                               BBS, The Launch Pad BBS, The Wire- Grass
                               BBS, The Dark Side BBS, Eagle's Corner
                               BBS. (Co-Sysop on the last five.)

My oddest habit is: Speaking "Forsoothly" when conversing with a Lady.
 
My greatest unfulfilled ambition is: To be in charge of All for more
                                     than just one day this time around....
 
The single accomplishment of which I am most proud is:
        It's not exactly MY accomplishment, but I guess that I can now
        once again be ME.
 
My favorite performers are: Hmmmmmmm, MAYBE Ann & Nancy Wilson, ZZTop,
                            David Copperfield, Merlin, Donna Spicer
                            (DAMN, can she PERFORM!), and several others
                            you have not had the pleasure of hearing
                            of.... (like Donna  <GRIN> )
 
The last good movie I saw was: The last half of "The Man who would be
                               King".
 
The last good book I read was: Almost all of the M.Y.T.H. books by
                               Robert Aspirin

If they were making a movie of my life, I'd like to see my part played
by: Pierce Brosnan, IF he beefed up alot.  Otherwise, anyone my size,
    that looks enough like me that people can recognize who they're
    looking at, and that has the style and confidence to be a believable
    me....
 
My pet peeves are: Stupidity
 
When nobody's looking, I like to: Alter probability for humorous
                                  effects.
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Special Interest Groups (SIGs)

BEPCUG                              CCS
Birmingham East PC Users Group      Commodore Club South
Jefferson Sate Jr. College          Springville Road Library
Ruby Carson Hall, Rm 114            2nd & 4th Tuesday (C64/C128)
3rd Friday, 7-9 PM                  3rd Monday (Amiga)
Paula Ballard 251-6058 (after 5PM)  7:30-10 PM
                                    Maurice Lovelady 684-6843

BCCC                                BIPUG
Birmingham Commodore Computer Club  Birmingham IBM-PC Users Group
POB 59564                           UAB Nutrition Science Blg
Birmingham, Al 35259                RM 535/541
UAB School of Education, Rm 153     1st Sunday (delayed one week
2nd and 4th Sundays, 2 PM              if meeting is a holiday)
Rusty Hargett 854-5172              Marty Schulman 967-5883

BACE                                FAOUG
Birmingham Atari Computer           First Alabama Osborne Users
Enthusiast                          Group
Vestavia Library, downstairs        Homewood Library
2nd Monday, 7 PM                    1st Saturday, 1PM
Benny Brown 822-5059                Ed Purquez 669-5200

CADUB
CAD Users of Birmingham
Homewood Library
3rd Tuesday, 6:30PM-8:30PM
Bobby Benson 791-0426

If you belong to or know of a user group that is not listed,
please let us know by sending E-Mail to Barry Bowden on
The Matrix BBS.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Known BBS Numbers For The Birmingham Area

    NAME                    NUMBER     BAUD RATES  MODEM    BBS SOFTWARE
                                       SUPPORTED   TYPE

*%  Abject Poverty          680-9680   300-2400             ProBBS/ProDoor
*   Alter-Ego BBS           925-0707   300-2400    MNP4     ProBBS/ProDoor
*   American BBS            674-1851   300-2400             PCBoard 14.5
    Amiga Alliance ][       631-0262   300-2400             Ami Express
    Arkham Asylum           853-7422   300-2400             WWIV 4.12
*%  Bloom County            856-0587   300-2400             PCBoard 14.5
-*  Bus System              595-1627   300-2400             PCBoard 14.2
*%  Byte Me!                979-BYTE!  2400-9600   USR HST  WWIV 4.12
    Camelot BBS             856-0679   300-2400             Telegard 2.5
-*# Channel 8250 Node 1     744-8546   300-9600    USR DS   PCBoard 14.5
-*# Channel 8250 Node 2     744-5166   300-9600    USR HST  PCBoard 14.5
*   Crunchy Frog            956-1755   300-9600    USR DS   PCBoard 14.0
    DataLynx                322-3425   300-2400             Oracomm5.L.30
    Graphics Zone Node 1    870-5306   300-9600    MNP4     TBBS 2.1(16)
    Graphics Zone Node 2    870-5329   300-9600    MNP4     TBBS 2.1(16)
    Hacker's Corner         674-5449   1200-2400            PCBoard 14.5
+   I.S.A. BBS              995-6590   300-9600    USR HST  TCOMM
-*  Joker's Castle          664-5589   300-2400    MNP4     PC Board 14.5
    K-9 Corner              424-8202   300-2400             Image 1.2
*&  Little Kingdom Node 1   969-0007   300-9600    USR DS   PCBoard 14.5
*&  Little Kingdom Node 2   969-0008   300-2400    MNP4     PCBoard 14.5
    LZ Birmingham           870-7770   300-2400             PCBoard 14.5
*   Magnolia BBS            854-6407   300-9600    USR HST  PCBoard 14.2
    MICROTECH Comm.         951-5678   300-2400             PCBoard 14.5
@   Missing Link            853-1257   300-2400             Image1.2
^   Myth Drannor            699-5811   1200-2400   MNP4     WWIV 4.11
    Outside It's America    951-2473   300-2400    MNP4     WWIV 4.11
    Owl's Nest              680-0851   300-2400             PCBoard 14.2
    PC Echange Link         663-2759   300-9600    USR DS   QuickBBS 2.04
    Posys BBS               854-5131   1200-2400            RBBSCPC17.3
+=  Programmer's Shack      871-3356   300-9600    USR HST  Telegard 2.5i
*   Radio Free Troad        979-6183   300-9600    USR HST  PCBoard 14.2
    Safe Harbor             665-4355   300-2400             GTPower 15.00
    Shadetree BBS           787-6723   300-2400             Phoenix1.36
+=  Sherwood Forest         838-1432   1200-2400            Telegard 2.5i
+=  Source Line             674-0852   1200-2400            Telegard 2.5i
    Sperry BBS              853-6144   300-9600    Hayes    PCBoard 14.5
*   ST BBS                  836-9311   300-2400             PCBoard 14.2
@   The Commodore Zone      856-3783   300-2400             Image1.2
    The Connection Node 1   854-9074   1200-2400            PCBoard 14.1
    The Connection Node 2   854-2308   1200-2400            PCBoard 14.1
    The Connection Node 3   854-0698   1200-2400            PCBoard 14.1
    The Dog House           425-9255   300-1200             Image1.2
    The Dragon's Hoard      833-3790   300-2400             WWIV 4.12
-*! The Matrix Nodes 1-4    323-2016   300-2400             PCBoard 14.5
-*! The Matrix Node 5       251-2344   300-9600    USR HST  PCBoard 14.5
+=  The Outer Limits        985-1725   1200-9600   USR HST  Telegard 2.5i
    The Quiet Zone          833-2066   300-2400             ExpressNET
+=  The Round Table         938-2145   300-2400             WWIV 4.11
    VCM(ee) BBS Node 1      655-4059   300-2400    USR V.32 Oracomm Plus
    VCM(ee) BBS Node 2      655-4065   300-1200             Oracomm Plus
    Victory Express         425-0821   300-1200             Image 1.2
    Willie's DYM Node 1     979-1629   300-2400             Oracomm Plus
    Willie's DYM Node 2     979-7739   300-2400             Oracomm Plus
    Willie's DYM Node 3     979-7743   300-1200             Oracomm Plus
    Willie's DYM Node 4     979-8156   300-1200             Oracomm Plus
    Ziggy Unaxess           991-5696   300-1200             Unaxess

Boards with a "*" before their name are members of our local network,
EzNet, and public messages left in the EzNet Conferences of any of these
boards will be echoed to all members.

Boards with a "@" before their name are members of our local Commodore
network, Image Network, and e-mail left on any member board may be
directed to any other member board.

Boards with a "=" before their name are members of our local Telegard
network and public messages left in the echoed conferences of any of
these boards will be echoed to all members.

Boards with a "+" before their name are members of FidoNet, an
international network that provides a variety of public forums as well
as private mail services all over the world.

Boards with a "-" before their name are members of MetroNet, an
international network that provides a variety of public forums as well
as private mail services all over the world.

Boards with a "^" before their name are members of WWIV-Net, an
international network that provides a variety of public forums as well
as private mail services all over the continent.

Boards with a "&" before their name are members of Intellec, an
international network that provides a variety of public forums as well
as private mail services all over the world.

Boards with a "#" before their name are members of Uni'Net, an
international network that provides a variety of public forums as well
as private mail services all over the world.

Boards with a "%" before their name are members of ThrobNet, an
international network that provides a variety of private adult oriented
forums all over the continent.

Boards with a "!" before their name are members of RastaNet, an
international network that provides a variety of public forums all over
the continent.

If you have any corrections, additions, deletions, etc., please let us
know via EzNet.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

EzNet Multiple Echo List

     This is a list of the current echoes that we are aware of. More are
in the making and will be posted in future issues.  If you are a sysop
and are running an echo not listed for your board, please make us aware
of it so we may correct it next issue.

                      E   P   I   A   S   B   A   W  G
                      Z   r   B   d   c   T   s   e  M
                      N   o   M   u   i   N   t   b  C
                      e   g       l   t   W   r   e
                      t   r       t   e   A   o   s
                          a           c       n   y
                          m           h       u   s
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Abject Poverty        X       X   X               X  X
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Alter-Ego             X           X               X
-------------------------------------------------------------------
American BBS          Not hooked into new central yet.  MM
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Bloom County          X   X   X
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Bus System                X           X   X   X   X
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Byte Me!              X   X   X   X               X
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Channel 8250          X   X   X   X   X   X   X   X
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Crunchy Frog          X       X   X       X          X
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Joker's Castle        X       X   X               X  X
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Kingdom        X   X   X   X               X
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Magnolia BBS          X
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Radio Free Troad      X       X                   X
-------------------------------------------------------------------
ST BBS                X           X               X
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The Matrix            X   X   X   X       X       X  X

ed.  This is a test layout for the new echo list.  Please post your
comments, corrections, and suggestions for improving it.  I'm not crazy
about this layout but it is all that I could think of at the time it
needed to get out.  MM
