
 '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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  ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #422 !!
  #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS!  !!
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  ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Talented"                               !!
  ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Mutter                             !!
 ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/13/99                                  !!
 !!========================================================================!!

        Somewhere in time and space a young man searches for the answer
 to the question which is life.  He walks countless miles and climbs
 for countless days to reach the top of the mountain.  When he finally
 arrives, he finds a old man with a long, white beard sitting in the
 lotus position, meditating.

        "Oh, honorable elder," the young man says with exhaustion.
 "I've traveled countless miles, climbed countless days and have obtained
 countless calluses on my hands and feet all to ask to receive some small
 nugget of knowledge which will enlighten me for the rest of my days..."

        The elder slowly breaks his meditation and turns to look at the
 young man's expectant face.  He slowly opens his mouth to the young man's
 delight, "You are talented in many ways."  Then he is silent.  He turns
 away from the young man and goes back into his meditation.  The young
 man, feeling ripped off by the quality of the message he had wasted a
 good portion of his life chasing, promptly commits suicide by jumping
 off a cliff.

        Of course who could blame him?  He came seeking enlightenment and
 walked away with a complement -- and a lame one at that.  That's exactly
 how I felt when I saw what passes for fortune cookie fortunes these
 days...

        "You are talented in many ways."

        What the fuck is that?!  Is this a fortune or a direct quote from
 "I'm Ok, You're Ok"?  Technically, it's not even a fortune!  Did some
 new age, reject Complement Cookies (TM) by mistake find its way into
 my Wednesday dinner?  COME ON!  If I paid 10 dollars for a reading from
 some mystic on the street corner to tell me that "You are talented in
 many ways."  I'd demand my money back, then beat them over the head with
 their crystal ball.  What's next?

        "You are very smart."
        "Everybody loves you."
        "Your dick is very big."

        It's great for those first impressions...

        "So, Mutter, tell me a little bit about yourself."
        "Well, apparently my dinner thinks I am quite talented (in
 many ways)."
        "I... see..."

         I don't even like Chinese food.  The only thing I even remotely
 enjoy about the whole Chinese fast food eating experience is the fucking
 fortune cookies.  They are tasty as hell and come with a bit of
 entertainment.  But can I have a nice normal fortune cookie?  No.
 Instead I get some cookie designed for the manic depressant in us all.
 The cookie itself probably contained a good dose of prozac.  I can see
 it now...

        "Sir, Americans are just too fat and lazy.  They see their work
 as pointless.  Production is very low."

        "What can we do to alleviate these problems?"

        "Well, our research team has determined that the average
 American loves fast food... especially Chinese fast food.  The
 development team came up with these fortune cookies, guaranteed to
 reduce the American worker to the smiling dolt he should be."

        "Yes!  A happy worker is a hard worker.  Send the happy cookies
 into their food stream immediately!"

        Or maybe the story behind the message is even more sinister.  A
 warped experiment in mind control?  Shifting the will of the people
 through some cleverly placed seeds from an unexpected source?  Think
 about the subliminal effects of such a message on the collective.  Will
 crime decrease?  Will the economy get better?  Will drug use increase
 among teenagers?  Who knows the ripple effects a seemingly innocent,
 yet weird message would have on the human mind?  Did you know that many
 fortune cookie companies in America are actually CIA fronts or in other
 ways silently owned by the U.S. government?   It's true.  What effect
 might the fortune cookies have on the political swaying of America?  Who
 cares?  All I want is some trite little statement about the future
 inside a tasty cookie.  But not even that simple desire will be met in
 the happy-joy world of today where your dinner is giving you pep talks.

 !!========================================================================!!
 !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!   HOE #422, WRITTEN BY: MUTTER - 1/13/99 !!
