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   ooooo   ooooo  .oooooo.  oooooooooooo       HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #599
   `888'   `888' d8P'  `Y8b `888'     `8
    888     888 888      888 888                 "The Gojira Theorem"
    888ooooo888 888      888 888oooo8
    888     888 888      888 888    "                 by Quarex
    888     888 `88b    d88' 888       o               4/24/99
   o888o   o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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        The Gojira Theorem: The Length and Width of your Penis does affect
 reactions towards you.

        You might not notice a whole lot of things while you plod about
 mindlessly throughout your daily routines.  I, additionally, do not notice
 a whole lot, either.  However, I have noticed a certain trend recently, and
 I feel I have finally discerned the cause behind it.

        Tiny men (below average height. . . 5'8" and below or so?) are much
 grumpier and harder to deal with than average sized men, or especially
 colossal men (6'3" and over, weighing an appropriate amount).  The thinking
 behind this is really quite simple.  Penises are almost always proportional
 to the rest of the body, regardless of how many men would love to claim
 otherwise.  After all, if you asked every man in America how long his penis
 was, you would probably get less than 1% answering that it was shorter than
 six inches.  This is too bad, considering the sources I have looked at
 indicate the average length of the male penis is five inches, and the
 average width is one inch.

        For those of you who "really did not need to know that," fuck you.

        Now, let us do some further calculations.  If we use a standard bell
 curve, it would tend to place roughly 60% of American males in the 5"/1"
 area, with 20 percent being from 2"/.5" (or whatever the smallest penis is)
 to the median and 20 percent being from the median to 1000'/310" (or
 whatever the largest penis is).  So, from these calculations, we can see
 that 100% of males lie about their penis length.  Well, anyway, a whole
 lot of them do.

        So, who has the small penises here?  Gee, this is a hard one.  Oh
 yeah, small men.  Who has the large penises here?  Oh yeah, large men.
 Boy, this is sure hard to figure out.  I wonder what sort of genitalia the
 average sized man might have?

        Think about that.  Think about (assuming you are not a tiny man)
 being a tiny man, and your whole life from adolescence on up, feeling
 completely inferior to all other men in the sexual prowess department.
 That CANNOT POSSIBLY be good for your self-esteem.  A tiny man could wake
 up, completely refreshed, and ready to go tear into all the tasks he needed
 to do that day.  Then, suddenly catching a glimpse of himself in the
 mirror, he realizes he is hung like a tadpole, and the horrible rush of
 inferiority smashes his dreams and turns his reality as black as the
 coffee he stares into over a nice phallocentric breakfast of a banana and
 a corn dog.  Oh, to have a large penis.

        Meanwhile, the colossal man wakes up, feeling a little under the
 weather, and goes to take a shower.  He happens to glance down while
 lathering himself up with soap, and suddenly thinks, "God damn, I am so
 totally packing heat."  With a smile, he continues his shower, gets to his
 class on time, and has another in an enormous string of happy days.

        Everyone knows that big guys are almost always the soft-spoken,
 easy-going ones, and little guys are the spiteful little bastards.  After
 reading this, I believe we all know a little better exactly why that is.

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 [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!    HOE #599 - WRITTEN BY: QUAREX - 4/24/99 ]
