Subject: [ati] ati: midweek crisis. midnite review of music award ceremony

FLIM-FLAMMYS: A Prime Anarchist Review of the Grammys.
  21feb01. Green Bay, Wisconsin

Yo.
  Yo, Ingrid Washinawatok is dead, Abbie Hoffman is gone,
Leonard Peltier is still unfree.
  Live, sort of, [on the CNNsorship delay] from Staples
Center, the theatre that looks like a big old stuffed red
and white aspirin, it's the 43rd annual FlimFlammy awards;
and why, you ask, do I like watching them on GE-TV rather
than in Radio City MusicHall, Staples or the Baghdad Hilton?
  Because here, I can wear my blue hoodie. That's why!
  I might oughta say a quick aside: one day before the
FlimFlammys, 1 billion dollars offered out of court? Napster?
What's THAT say???
  OK.
  Hey, since when are the FlimFlammys on CBS? Last year was
Staples, but it was still on GE-NBC, wasn't it? Not Westinghaus,
right?
  [SCRATCH HEAD]
  Was I asleep?? Hey, Mister DJ.
  OK, Madonna thinks she's Clive Davis meets Ronald Reagan or
something, huh? So I'm still buggin' about this NBC-c-c-C-CBS
merger, friendly agreement thingie. I guess I shoulda called
it each time they went back and forth between LA and NYC, huh?
  [CURTSEY]
  NBC, leaving NYC for good. Soon come - mark my words peeps.
Remember when Letterman said he'd never leave New York OR NBC?
Yeah right. Promise me another. Oh well, NARAS' loss, not NY's!
"I feel your scorn, and I accept it," said John Stuart.
OK, so Carson Daly makes up the 3rd blueman in that dorky
abuse of avant gardism, right?
  Of course NSync is Few Man Group.
  OK, Stuart, what words are you going to NOT use? Are you
ready? Seconds delay and the big button. You are watching,
CNNsorship Central. Fun, isn't it. Really. Are Stuart and
Bill Clinton related? I swear.
  Heather Locklear and Kid Rock, yeah. "Wow, check out this
teleprompter." For that matter, are Kid Rock and Jesse Camp
from MTV related, or do they just pretend to do the same
quality of heroin?
  It's Macy Gray's year. Boyee. Clive and Madonna's old money
must be finally taking hold.
  I can't wait until next year's FlimFlammys now that Marc Rice
is out. You ain't SEEN payola yet.
  And it's Devo for Target, Pampers, Windex. Yeah, how many
paper products does it take to turn on a lightbulb?
  One, if you burn it hot enough.

Yup, pass me the box of Payola crayons.

"But when it comes to violence, there's no excuse."
  QUICK! SOMEONE TIE UP GEORGE W. BUSH, QUICK.

And from Cafe YabYum, Orlando Florida, it's LipSync. Oh, sorry.
I mean NLip. I mean, never mind. Who cares what their name is,
it's five young guys wearing dumb clothing, spending dumb money,
singing dumb songs, written by dumb ghost writers.
  The only trouble is -- you and I believe in them 1.3% more
than we should!

  In a just world?

  SCENE: Every word I say is true
  [DROPS MIC]
  [TURNS DOWNSTAGE]
  [SHOUTS] "This sucks. I can't sing this song, I can't feel it.
Buy me a song I can feel or get me off this stage. I won't sing
this, it sucks."

  Hmmm. Did everyone else see the two comedians shooting tshirts
out into the audience from a high-tech cannon? Looked like
something Raytheon would have invented. Well before Dan Quayle
handed out those 3500 pink slips.
  Hmm. Does anyone wonder what this Christmas' big hype product
is going to be?
  Um wait. Steely Dan. Um. Don't get me wrong. I've liked them
for many years. MANY YEARS. But man, I gotta ask this. Does
anyone remember ever hearing them at all this year?
  At all? I mean I think I heard "Hey 19" a couple times in an
elevator in Chicago or something... What did I miss?
  Steely Dan beat Madonna AND Britney "Hitme" Spears? Umm.
Clive? Madonna? What's up with that?
  Destiny's Child, wow. The first real thing I've seen happen
across that stage so far. Why do I get the feeling they'd have
all that same presence AND talent if you DIDN'T throw all that
dumb money at them?
  WHY DO I GET THE SUDDEN HEAVY FEELING IN MY HEART THE THIRD REICH
IS BEHIND THE FLIM-FLAMMYS AWARDS' CALIFORNIA MOVE?
  And What's with Maya slouching like an inchworm as she presents?
I mean her neck's halfway down to her knees. I saw Macy Gray do it
too. What gives? Will people get flogged if they try to touch or
adjust the microphone?
  The Folgers School Music grant, now there's a noble idea. Now you
too can write a song that kills someone in Colombia, Chiapas or
Costa Rica.

I hate to be the one who informs Paul Simon. Nope. I can't lie -
I love being the one. Simon without the Garfunkle is like music
without A through F.
  And what's this song. Should I even call it that? I guess I have
to, huh? OK. I won't go there. This band-in-a-box production,
presentation, what do you call it? It's not really fair to make fun
of the old, because I'm going there too someday, but for Pete's sake
Paul.
  Buy a pulse, will you? Or at least buy something besides a new
bohemian. Paul Simon today is like a cross between Boy George, George
W, and George Burns.
http://www.josiethemovie.com
  Buy Folgers, Vaniqua, Viagra, Nads and Fuji film at a Target near
you. Have you tried Staples? Ladies and Gentlemen, we're about three
strip-malls away from full-on eco-anihilation and what, we're acting
like it's no big thing, ya'all. Who's up for a great steak dinner?
  Rainforest crunch. For real.
  John Stuart sucks his scarf down. Yeah, the man snarfed his scarf.
He did, he sucks. Did I say I think he's gotta be Bill Clinton's
illegitimate son? Gotta be, I'm telling you. He's got Bill's ears,
his stance, his hands. Right down to the posture. He's got those
Harvard hands. You know, that class they'll teach you at Harvard,
Hollywood, or your house for that matter. They can make ANYONE a
president. Or just look like one. Just hold your hand like this,
and move it like so. Now do this. There, now get out there and
imagine them all in their underwear.
  Faith Hill, be a boob or just act like one. Can you say, "tall
blonde, badly dressed StepNFetchit?" Sure, I knew you could.
And how come they panned the camera to Tim McGraw all of a... Oh
yeah. That's right. Biggest music merger since Napster and old
Bertlesmann pooled their half a billion each or so last night.

  Bono.

Bono is so out of it he's lost sight of who HE is even. His very
own astute observations. And here he is. Hmmm. What's next a page
three paid letter explaining that he recognizes that netaid.com
+ napster + NARAS = 666 ?  You participated hoping you can change
it from within?
  Bono, this isn't a slam, I mean this as the most constructive
criticism I can ever possibly muster up for someone who used to
be such a hero of mine.

You care so
much
you do so
little
you earn so
much
you mean so
little

So, what's behind the gilded curtain that makes you forget you're
you?

It's a beautiful day, can you feel it?

The 43rd annual devo for coke, bic lighters, pringles, iams,
heinekin and hippies and you can buy it at target.

I must say I think I've knowingly heard U2's "Beautiful Day at
least three times as often as the Steely Dan song.
  Wait, Bono's assistant just mentioned Jubilee 2000. I take back
everything I said...

And now the Dutchess of York for the best weight loss program
ever designed. Air Force sorti's over the no-fly zone?

John Stuart said saran wrap, he said saran wrap, he said saran
wrap. Wow. Moby for Blue Man Croup. And what's this Jill Scott
playing air guitar to the gospel medley vulcan music meld from
hell?
  And here's BonJovi's Richie Sambora for buying your way out
of Boston.
  [VOICEOVER] July 4, 1987. The stage dive is invented. July
5? Heinekin usurped it, along with the bic lighter, the peace
sign and the hippy.

  Eminem and Elton. Wait a minute. History repeats itself. Isn't
this Louis Farakhan doing dueling violins with that Jewish guy
after all his politically incorrect antisemitic comments?
  Nneena Freelon and Take 6? Now that was real. OK. Cool. Macy
Gray's got it going on. I had a feeling she'd have it no other
way. What's with all the hairdos, though. That was wack. Those
hippy paisleys on the overhead projector brought to you by
Target, like Staples but with some more variety. Pink Hair
Group. And Heinekin, it's all about the Germans buying
Napster. Ouch. Did I say that?
  Dumb money and smart bombs. Dead civilians and non-combatants.
And singing, "happy days are hear again, now the skies are hazy
shade of winter for the rest of your unborn and unnamed kids'
lives.
  Hey Christina, do yourself a favor next year. Less meth, less
heroin and less spanish. And more weight. Eat some starch or
something. You make Kate Moss look fat. Mi Reflejo? Good try
girl. You know $4,000 worth of fonetiks books could never get
you dominating the Latin charts. You're about as out-of-your-
league as when Billy Joel said he'd be back with classical
piano. How long has it been now? How long is never? Sorry
Billy, sorry Christina. Maybe if you went and teamed up with
Christina Aguilar you could pull it off.
  You could have beaten Oscar De La Hoya and his BeeGees song,
but you'd a never gotten past Shakira, sorry to inform you.
When SHE says, "you guys," it really has meaning. And she only
says it once. "And of course my country, like always. Everything
I do goes to them, is dedicated to them. My country Colombia,
that in spite of our tough reality, we keep our spirit joyful,
and alive. Thank you so much, and. I'm so happy, my God. Yeah,
Que vivo columbia."
  Rage Against the Machine won best hard rock performance with
"Guerilla Radio."

  AOL keyword: apartheid.

"C Major because D flat would suck." Umm. Good try, Stuart.
I know what you were trying for. Almost. No really. Stay with
comedy.
  Please.
  Next?

  And now a little bit of Chopin played live so as to help
perpetuate this gentle little myth, (BIG LIE, BIG LIE, BIG
LIE. LIKE HITLER'S BIG LIE.)
          ----this gentle myth that music is what we're
about.

"After years of convincing, the Grammys are acknowleging for
the first time, native american music. The original roots music,"
said Robbie Robertson, "of this continent. And we haven't got
freedom for Leonard Peltier yet. Maybe he's not Marc Rich enough,
but we are getting our first grammy, and Val, [Kilmer] for this
we are grateful."
  Tom Bee and Douglas Spotted Eagle won the first grammy in a
native american music category ever, for their production of
Albuquerque's Gathering of Nations PowWow.
"First and foremost I'd like to give all the honor and all
the glory to the greatest warrior, my lord and savior Jesus
Christ." Somehow that seems unpretentious, unscripted and
real, hearing that come from Tom Bee. I can hear that from
him, sounds so much more real than anything George W. Bush
has ever uttered in his slimy, propped up contrived life.
Or most of you for that matter, if I can be so candid.

  Faith Hill - I guess it's ok to fall out of your shirt in your
seat, onstage singing, and in video, but never, never, never.
Never while walking the stairs up to the stage. Cover your you
know whats with your award or something. Hold your shirt together
til you get up there. Go.
            long....
       long....
    long....
  long....
 long...
editorial from the NARAS people. We're right back to "race-records"
days, now aren't we?
  Ladies and Gendarmes, without seven of his most important words,
here's Eminem.

  Target, up yours.
  It happens at the Hilton. Tracers, look, in the sky, it's
a lazer, it's a fazer, it's bombings! Light up the sky, at
the Hilton. The Baghdad Hilton.
  And don't forget, NARAS. Spelled backwards, you're nothing
but saran wrap.
  Happy mining.
  May you someday realize music is not for conquest,
ownership or private stock,
marco
the prime anarchist