
 '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
  ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
  ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #315 !!
  #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS!  !!
  ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
  ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Veggie Burger Eatin' Hippie Reject"     !!
  ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Phairgirl                          !!
 ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/6/98                                  !!
 !!========================================================================!!

        I have decided that maybe I should try to become a vegetarian
 again.

        I don't really know what sparked this.  Maybe it's because, for
 the past week and a half, all I've been eating pretty much is salad and
 cottage cheese.  Occasionally, a potato.  But I think I've only eaten
 red meat once in that entire time.

        This is not like me.  My first reaction is, who is inhabiting my
 body and WHERE THE HELL DID I GO?  But the more I think about it, the
 more clearly I see the true culpritsin my haze of rash change: Catalina
 Dressing and Fake Baco's.

        I've always hated salad dressing; I've always just eaten a pile
 of rabbit food.  However, my mom bought a bunch of Salads In A Bag, and
 they looked rather bland, so I thought, what the hell?  It's fat free,
 why not try some freaky new dressing.  Surprise!  Yummy!  So I made my
 usual salad consisting of lettuce, shredded carrots and cheese, Fake
 Baco's, and some Catalina dressing.

        After the first three bowls, I thought to myself, who needs other
 food?  I'll just eat salad for the rest of my natural born life.
 Catalina dressing is only $2.39 a bottle, and I can get lettuce and my
 usual toppings free at work.  And suddenly, the thought of becoming a
 vegetarian crossed my mind.

        But I did NOT want to take the Fake Baco's out of the mix!
 They're so CRISPY.  They add such a lovely FLAVOR and TEXTURE.  I
 couldn't mess with perfection.  Not now; now that I had discovered the
 Perfect Food.

        So I ran like a bitch in heat to read the label of those
 wonderful morsels of glory.

        SOY!!!!!

        Ahh, soy, my new best friend; how I love thee.

        How DO they make soy taste like bacon? How do they make soy
 taste like ANYTHING?  Alas, these questions are best saved for later --
 MUCH later.  After a few more salads.

        But then another thought crossed my mind... did I really want to
 become one of those scary Politically Correct vegetarian BASTARDS that I
 so much love to hate?  Oh, this is where the story becomes a bit more
 complicated.  I began to be reminded of the reasons why I did not want
 to EVER become a vegetarian.

        Reason #1
        =========

        I hate farm animals.  I believe cows, pigs, and chickens die to
 be eaten for a reason; because they do not deserve to live.  I HATE
 THEM -- living.  Once they are dead and on the chopping block, then they
 are OK.  But MAN... I really hate cows.

        This, I believed, would be the hardest reason for me to overcome.

        Reason #2
        =========

        I hate Politically Correct Bastards.  The LAST person I wanted to
 become was one of those Veggie Burger Eatin' Hippie Rejects.  I didn't
 want to turn in to Alison, the girl who I worked with at Wendy's who
 complained every time someone ordered a sandwich.  She really, REALLY
 pissed me off.  And once I go that road and become PC, what's going to
 stop me from telling sexist, racist, and religious jokes?  Will I
 completely lose my sense of humor?

        This reason was tough, but everyone thinks I'm a hippie anyway.
 Besides, I'm not the preachy type, and as long as I stay off the hard
 drugs, I should be able to control myself from turning into That Which
 I Hate.

        Reason #3
        =========

        I am a meat pimp.  I sell burgers and chicken for a living.  I
 will be a walking, talking hypocrite until the day I decide I am "too
 good" for pimpin' and get a real job.

        I could live with that one.  I'm already a hypocrite.

        Reason #4
        =========

        Thanksgiving turkey.  KFC.  Sausage and pepperoni pizza.  Fast
 food.  Deer sausage.  Chicken and Cheese Quesodillas from Perkins.

        Oh, it all seemed so easy up until this one.  I live on Chicken
 and Cheese Quesodillas.  What else is there to eat at Perkins?
 Mozzerella sticks?

        The more I mulled this all over in my mind, the more I wanted
 another salad.

        *crunch*

        mmmmmmmmm...
        THE SALAD TELLS ME NO MORE MEAT
        THE SALAD TELLS ME NO MORE MEAT
        THE SALAD TELLS ME--

        I WILL LISTEN TO THE SALAD
        I WILL LISTEN TO THE SALAD
        THE SALAD IS MY PERSONAL SAVIOR
        EAT THE SALAD
        EAT THE SALAD

        ...no more meat for me.

 !!========================================================================!!
 !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!   #315 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 12/6/98 !!
