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| Vol 1                           *********                           Gratis |
|============================================================================|

 PARANORMAL THREATS AGAINST THE USA

 Washington DC (PETER FUNK PRESS)

     President Clinton's daily staff meeting at the White House ended
 abruptly today when the President suddenly fell out of his throne, rolled
 around on the floor laughing uncontrollably, and screamed, "Stop it! Stop
 it! Stop tickling me." His staff looked at themselves amazed, for none of
 them tickled him. 

     In fact, the President issued an executive order only last week
 prohibiting anyone from tickling him. He issued this order after his D-Day
 trip to France where French president Francois Mitterand greeted the
 President as he deplaned Air Force One by tickling his ribs and saying in
 French with his best French accent, "Kootchy kootchy koo. Welcome to France
 Bob." Mitterand tried to welcome First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton the same
 way, but she pulled a gun out of her purse, waved it in the air and told
 him, "Back off Frenchy."

     Clinton's staff made several attempts to stop President Clinton's
 delirious laughing by showing him ghastly photographs of starving
 Somalians, butchered Rwandans, and, most abhorrent of all, a photograph of
 Rush Limbaugh wearing only a pair of bikini underwear. All of their
 attempts failed, so First Lady Hillary Clinton called in Surgeon-General
 Joselyn Elders to examine Clinton. She immediately diagnosed the President
 as falling under a voodoo spell. Elders said she had seen many examples of
 this type of sorcery in the most primitive, backward parts of Arkansas like
 the state legislature in Little Rock.  She left the White House saying,
 "There's nothing I can do for the President. Just tell him to take two
 condoms and call me in the morning."

     Just after Dr. Elders left, President Clinton stopped laughing.
 Immediately, the White House received an anonymous phone call from General
 Cedras, the military leader of Haiti. Cedras told the White House he hired
 a voodoo witch doctor named Ugly Grandma Au-Contraire to make a wax image
 of President Clinton and, under his order, she had just tickled the
 President's image with a chicken feather. 

     He then warned the White House that if the U.S. did not lift economic
 sanctions against Haiti he would order Ugly Grandma Au-Contraire to begin
 snapping the underwear of the waxen image underwear really hard, causing
 severe pain in the President. The military strongman then hung up abruptly
 because he said his mommy had called him to dinner. "We're having curly-Q
 french fries tonight and I get to use a crazy straw in my glass of Kool-
 Aid!" he said gleefully.

     Clinton became deeply concerned. He told his staff, "A voodoo spell on
 me would demean the office of the Presidency, not to mention the pain I
 would have to endure of a unremitting underwear snapping."  He ordered the
 CIA to conduct a counter-terrorist operation against Cedras. Sources in the
 CIA have said this operation may include paranormal attacks against Cedras,
 possibly involving spontaneous combustion and alternative geography. 
     Upon announcement of the President's order, prominent Republicans
 lawmakers like Newt Gingrich, Phil Graham, Lizzie Borden, Robert Dornan,
 Clever Hans, and Dracula attacked the President's intention to use
 paranormal aggression against Haiti. They said his defense cuts had
 weakened the paranormal defense of the US. They claimed the US could not
 conduct such an operation, because, since the end of the Cold War, the US
 has fallen behind the Third World in paranormal defense, leaving the
 American people vulnerable to hyperphysical aggression from spells, charms,
 incantations, and invocations. 

     Research groups, as the nonpartisan group Center for Strategic
 Theosophical Studies, seem to support the Republican proposition. According
 to them, at the end of the Cold War, the Department of Defense (DOD)
 stopped all funding of paranormal defense. At one time the DOD conducted
 vigorous paranormal defense research. For instance, during the Reagan
 administration, as part of the Star Wars program, the CIA had a research
 program to contact angels in heaven and persuade them to drop nuclear bombs
 on Moscow. 

     Reagan became convinced the U.S. could persuade angels to do this
 because the Soviet Union was atheist and God was on America's side.
 Scientists in the study actually claimed they had contacted heaven's
 answering service several times and left messages. However, nobody in
 heaven ever answered the messages and the CIA's conclusion of the 20
 million dollar study came to "The residents of heaven are very rude."
 However, Reagan disputed the conclusion, believing the angels did not know
 how to work their answering machines. He said, "They probably don't know
 how to operate their VCRs either." 

     The Republican Party already has seized paranormal defense as a
 campaign issue. This evening, at a Republican fund raiser in Dallas,
 Republican Minority Whip Newt Gingrich raised the issue of supernatural
 defenses. He told a crowd of 500 Republicans that the US has become more
 vulnerable than ever to supernatural aggression from Third World countries.
 He called it the greatest threat to US security. As an example, he said a
 shaman in Liberia, disgruntled with USA over a lack of Liberians on prime
 time American television, could enchant Miss America, and the US would have
 no defense against it. The Republican audience gasped. 

     Gingrich called the problem so serious the Republican Party would use
 it as a campaign issue in the next Presidential campaign. He told the
 audience the Republicans will go directly to the American people and
 promise them a Republican president would never allow its enemies to
 enchant Miss America. "Read our lips Republicans should state," said
 Gingrich, "none of our enemies foreign or domestic will put the mojo on
 Miss America." 

     He called the supernatural defense issue a sure winner for the
 Republican Party, and to prevent the Democrats from stealing it, as the
 Democrats did with the crime issue, he proposed that the next Republican
 nominee for President have the ability to engage in out of body experiences
 and to bend spoons with his mind.
                                     
===========================================================================
Entire contents Copyright (C) 1994 by Byron Lanning. All rights reserved.
You cannot redistribute the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ without the written
permission of the author with exception that a single user may retrieve 
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an electronic mailing list such as Majordomo.

Byron Lanning (swipe@well.sf.ca.us or blanning@crl.com) writes and
electronically publishes the _PETER FUNK PRESS_. Inquiries and opinions
welcome.


