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     $$     .d""b. .d""b.                  HOE E'ZINE #1053
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     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$ss$$             "Everything I Need to Know
     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$                I Learned Playing Solitaire"
     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$  $$                by Ari McKee [4/7/00]
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     $$  $$ "TssT" "TssT"

	The noble and solitary pursuit of Microsoft Solitaire--so simple  
 and yet so profound.  I've learned a great deal about myself and about
 life while playing it, and also about the world and my place in it.  The
 precious hours I've spent in this soothing activity have not merely been
 lost from my life, they've enriched my soul, embroidered my being, and
 made me . . . well, whole.  The digital card deck has messages for each
 and every one of us. Let's listen to what it teaches.

	- Coping.  Bad things happen to good people.  As a matter of fact,
          life is random, unpredictable, haphazard, and sometimes one
          shitty hand after another for ninety minutes straight.

	- Questioning Authority.  Gandhi might have said that to struggle is
          futile and to win is meaningless.  Still, would it kill them over at
          Microsoft to add a High Scores option?

	- Setting an Example.  Children who watch you play for hours and
          hours will learn discipline, perseverance, and a sense of
          accomplishment. If you haven't already gotten them an Nintendo,
          do so now.

	- Spirituality.  Playing continually for more than eleven hours
          will bring on an acute carpal tunnel seizure which, when
          combined with sleep deprivation, monitor blindness and a severe
          case of ergonomic chair butt, sends you soaring on a shortcut to
          a exalted state of Zen enlightenment.  Use this moment of
          paralyzed stupefaction to listen to your screaming limbs and
          then . . . deal again.  After all, wasn't it Buddha who said,
          "No pain, no gain"?  Or was it, "There's nothing worse than too
          many fours"?

	- Counting Your Blessings.  That last game was really close.  So
          was the one before that.  Really close.

	- Chasing Your Dream.  It may be years and years of black on red
          and red on black before you reach your goal.  And when you reach
          it, it's not going to be so great.  In fact, you won't be able
          to remember any details of it--not the beginning or the ending
          or even the pivotal moment when victory became inevitable.  It'll
          fly out of your head the moment it's over. But, someday, if you
          keep playing, you might remember. We have no way of knowing.

	- Life Isn't Fair.  Twenty minutes of hard clicking, a beautifully
          lined-up board.  Aces and kings.  What good is all of it if you
          don't have any twos?

	- Overcoming Obstacles. Negative people will always try to bring
          you down.  "Get a job!" "Get off the computer!" "You can't pee
          in that!"  We refer to them as "toxic".  You are not responsible
          for their "issues".  Tell them to talk to the hand.  Get it?
          Talk to the hand?

	- Aesthetics.  Practice the ancient art of feng shui by frequently
          choosing different card deck designs.  Ask yourself questions.
          Does one "feel" better than all the others?  The robot's
          flashing lights--do you find your heartbeat falling into their
          rhythm?  When you choose the roses are you choosing their beauty
          --or their thorns?  What secrets lie in the Night Castle?  Who's
          the idiot who came up with the sea shell?  Has anybody ever
          picked that?

	- We Are Not Alone.  Solitaire enthusiasts are all around us,
          developing new opening strategies, inventing techniques that
          require excessive counting, candle-lighting, or numerology.  They
          feel your pain and share your passion and, just like you, they
          love to watch those suits fall after a win.  On a global scale,
          PC users from every culture speak the language of Solitaire.
          No, there's no way to contact them.

	- Climb Every Mountain.  When asked why he wished to climb
          Everest, George Mallory said, "Because it's there."  
          Seventy-six years later, people are up there taking pictures of
          his perma-frosted, wind-whipped carcass and rifling through his
          pockets see if he left any raisins.  I think the point is
          obvious.  Climbing Everest is stupid.  Stay inside where it's
          warm and have yourself a quiet game of computer solitaire. Maybe
          put a nice afghan over your lap.

	- Self-Esteem.  It may be true that there are benefits to
          sleeping, working and returning email.  When you think about it,
          though, what is all that compared to a score that is always
          yours, a score they can never take away from you? (Saturday,
          February 12, 2000, 11:18 p.m. 7080 points, Time: 113) Just
          remember: if you take the time to love and honor yourself and
          affirm your right to be a part of God's glorious creation, it
          won't help your game.

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 [ (c) HOE E'ZINE -- http://www.hoe.nu       #1053, BY ARI MCKEE - 4/07/00 ]
