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=   F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K.   =
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                    Happy Holidays from the Sheep!
                    ------------------------------

If you know me (and pray you're not accounted for here), you know I don't
like holidays.  Although there isn't one in sight at this writing, I
started thinking that it's actually the card-giving holidays that disturb
me the most.  Any friggin' significant numerical smear on the calendar that
forces me out to the potpourri-smelling Halmark store in order to purchase
a greeting card of any kind has my ire.

Just the premise alone of having to take my weary ass (take my word for it,
it's weary-looking) out to buy the card is an out-right act of baa-baaa
sheepishness to begin with.  That act alone demonstrates to me that I too
have caved into the notion that going through certain holidays without
passing off a card will make me less acceptable than an HIV-positive
Republican candidate in the Ozark voting district.  Blame the card
companies, blame the stores, blame Madison Ave, blame the CIA if you're
already doing it for everything anyway, but about half of these holidays
are NOT card worthy.  "Happy Arbor Day, You Big Tree Hugging Druid!"
Sheesh..

Next in line is the message in these cards.  I would just as soon have a
premonition of my own painful death by rectal cancer than to even PRETEND
to read one of those poem-cards with a hand-holding couple walking on a
beach at sunset.  No matter how heart-felt the gesture, no matter no rich
the sentiment when the card was picked out, I just can't realistically
enjoy words from a stranger.  It's not even that I fly into a rage, or
something so callously melodramatic.  I just know they can see my eyes
water and begin to cross when I read these cards, the same they would if
you made me read a 1040 instruction booklet.  Again, don't get me wrong, I
enjoy the thought, but even Pol Pot didn't make his people read greeting
cards - he just shot them outright with some sense of mercy.

What's worse is the absolute tizzy you get into in the card isle.  Bless
the Norse gods if you're luck enough to find a commercial greeting card
store, but how many times have you ended up in the one at the supermarket?
AHHHHHH!  Boy, these suck!  It's doesn't help that your selection amounts
to an entire year's worth of greeting cards in a space only as wide as the
front of a VW.  Oh, no they've got to COMPLETELY suck to add insult to
injury.  You go to find a decent B-day card, and all that's left is the one
that the other delinquents and late-comers overlooked that has some demonic
clown wishing a 3 year-old a "HAP-HAP-HAPPY Jewish Amputee B-Day Party!"
Yup, and rather than looking insensitive or inconsiderate, you're forced to
buy this for your fiancee's uncle's big 5-0.  Yeah, I'm sure he'd much
rather have had you take a big ol' crap on a piece of card-stock, fold it
together, and give him some demented fecal-Rorschach test.  At least people
respect home-made card ("Oh!  You shat the card yourself!  Well it's VERY
pretty!")

Take my advice here:  The best default greeting card to buy?  The "Sympathy
on the Loss of you Pet" card.  Why?  One, it's always in stock.  Two, it
says nothing about events in particular - A plus since none of them say
anything particularly significant anyway.  Three, and most importantly, if
it just so happens their pet just happened to die around the holidays,
you're already covered.


-capone

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