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 °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°±   °±  °°±       °°°°°°°°±          [MiLK]
 °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°±       °°±       °°°°°°±           BIG Issue 3
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-  Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä  Ä

        CoN TeNTz:

Viral Impact (Act I) ......................................Nyarlathotep
Little Lessons.............................................James Hetfield
MiLK's Guide to Pissing in the Wilderness..................Winter Solstice
Fortunes...................................................James Hetfield
Golden Screw...............................................Nyarlathotep
B T T S....................................................whoops

-  Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä  Ä

Viral Impact 

ACT I
 
Scene i
 
Setting: [MiLK] World Headqaurters, The Obloid Sphere BBS. Small
         room lit by candles. Seated at a table is James Hetfield
         and Nyarlathotep. James is looking over a piece of mail.
 
James: I found this in my mail-box Nyar, and Im not so sure what
       it means, but the future of [MiLK], and the Obloid Sphere might
       be at stake here.
 
Nyarlathotep: The Sphere just came back up an its in trouble already?
              Argh! I thought I was gonna be able to rest for a while.
 
James: Here. Lemme read this to you.
 
                From: MaSTeR HaCK MaSTeR (redundant eh?)
                To: James Hetfeild
 
                Jamesy, my dear friend. As you are reading this note, a
                virus is entering your system. From there it will spread
                onto the computers of all your users, and from there it
                will balloon outwards, to take over the world. There is
                nothing you or anyone else can do to stop it,
                I'm afraid. Well, thats not quite right. You can put end to
                the destruction, James. Hand over control of the Obloid
                Sphere, and [MiLK] and I will release the antidote. You
                have 48 hours to reply, or else the virus will become
                active.
 
                                        MaSTeR HaCK MaSTeR
 
Nyar: Maybe he's just bluffing?
 
James: Could be, but I don't think so. I think I've heard of this guy
       before. He's big, he's been taking over systems across the
       country, turning them into WaReZ fortresses, and using their
       publications for his own 3L1T3 purposes.
 
Nyar: Well.. I don't think we can take that, do you? I think we should
      general [MiLK] meeting, see if we can solve this problem the old
      fashioned way.
 
James: Which way is that?
 
Nyar: I dunno, but it certainly won't be giving into some twit with a
      cheesy handle like that.
 
James: Yeah, You're right. Time to light up the milk signal. And also
       time for Grandma!
 
<exeunt>
 
Scene ii
 
Setting: [MiLK] General Meeting room. James in Grandma guise is sitting
         at the head of the table. Nyar is at his left. Yohan Bawk is
         also in the room. He is reading a book on chaos theory.
 
Grandma: Well boys, if the rest of them aren't here in 10 minutes, we're
         gonna have to start without them. And Yohan! Why do you always
         gotta bring those books to these meetings?
 
Yohan Bawk: Well... ya see... I think that chaos theory might be the
            be the answer to our problems!
 
Nyar: Heh... you always think that. <picks up machete and starts to
      sharpen it>  Sometimes brains triumph, but sometimes, you gotta
      know when you gotta get rough.
 
Grandma: Nyar.. this isn't lampreys we're dealing with.
 
Nyar: You never know. He might be allied with the foul beasts. For all
      we know he could be one. In that case... NO MERCY!
 
G: Calm down... <connect tone> Lets see who it is.
 
<enter Epic and Natureboy>
 
Epic and Naturboy: Werd!!!!!!
 
G: Lo guys. We have serious buisness on our hands. We have no time for
   that!
 
Epic: Can't tang help us?
 
G: Don't think so.
 
E: Paperclips???
 
G: Perhaps.
 
Natureboy: I think I saw Whoops coming. And IceMECH told me to tell you
           that he can't make it.. IceQueen ya know.
 
Nyar: Oh well.. well have to work this out without him.
 
<enter Whoops>
 
Whoops: Wheww... go here as fast as I could. I had to run away from
        Sport Marty.
 
Nyar, Grandma, Epic and Natureboy: Hello Whoops.
 
Whoops: So whats the deal?
 
Nyar: We have an emergency situation here. Read this. <hand her the
      note>
 
W: Oh boy. Piddles, this is not spiffydoodlefigish... what are we gonna
   do?
 
G: Not cave in to his demands if at all possible.
 
<enter Black Justice>
 
BJ: I can't stay guys! I'm sorry, but they're after me!! I can't lead
    them here!!
 
Nyar: Who!
 
BJ: Them <exit>
 
Grandma: What the fuck was that about? Oh well.. we're mostly here, so
         well have to deal with this as best as possible. Maybe Psychotic
         Am bition will show up in a little while. I think I have
         an Idea or two... but first lemme here what suggestions
 you
         have.
 
Y: Well, according to chaos theory...
 
Nyar: Ugh!
 
G: Let him talk.
 
Y: Well... something is bound to go wrong for him somewhere.. hopefully
   we can figure it out, and nothing will go wrong for us.
 
Nyar: Great...
 
G: Well thats a start <sigh> I think we need to start with some
   reconasance, someone has to find out some more about this guy.
 
Nyar: I'll go.
 
W: I'll go too.
 
E: I'll make some Tang!!!!
 
G: Ok.. Nyar, Whoops, go see what you can find out. Epic.. make some
   tang. Yohan, you and I are going to see some people to find out what
   we can about the virus. Natureboy... you go get these supplies
   <writes some stuff on a paper and hands it to NB>
 
<enter Psychotic Ambition>
 
Psycho: Im sorry I couldnt make it sooner, but I fell down the stairs.
 
 
 
G: Uhm... Whatever. Psychotic, you go with Naturboy. Everyone else,
   we'll carry on as before. Now lets get to it. We'll meet back
   here in 5 hours.
 
<exuent>
 
-  Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä  Ä

-Lessons- 
        
        Whenever I'm thinking about death and what lays 
beyond, I always remember and refer back to a little tale that 
my grandfather told me while on his death bed...

        "Hey, there, sonny... Let me tell you a little tale, 
and I want you to pass this on to your grandchildren when 
you're dying... you are going to have grandchildren, aren't 
you?  Good boy!  Well when a man is about to die a lot of 
things go through his head, and I remember this tale that my 
grandfather told me before he died, and his grandfather told 
him before he died, and it's been passed on for generations 
and generations.  Ahh, my grandfather.  He was a great man.  A 
Great man! He never let anyone give him lip.  No sir, a fine 
man he was.  Well, I'm getting off the subject!  Ahh, the tale 
he told me... it was a great tale.  One of the best tales I 
think I ever did hear... My grandfather, he sure knew how to 
tell the tale too.  He was a natural at it.  Like it was 
something he had recited and prepared over and over again to 
have perfection when he told it... it was simply amazing.  I 
doubt I'll ever hear a story like that..."

        "Gramps?  So tell me this story..."

        "Ah, yes, the story... it was a wonderful story, I 
have to admit... I don't know if I could give it the credit it 
is due... my grandfater, bless his soul, told me this story on 
his deathbed... I already told you this... and here I am, 
passing on this story to you... my grandson... ah, I remember 
when you were this big!  how you've grown, you're a young man 
now!  I remember seeing you right after you were born... you 
were so cute!  your mother was so proud... and I was so proud 
of my son... ugh! I'm getting off track, aren't I?  I'm 
sorry... I sometimes to that... ok... what I'm about to tell 
you is the most important information you'll ever hear..."

        And Then he died.

        I learned a lot from my grandfather.  One of the 
things I learned is don't listen to old farts right about to 
die, cuz they're full of shit.

-  Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä  Ä

               MiLK's Guide to pissing in the wilderness
                                                     by
                                                      Winter Solstice


      Have you ever been out in the middle of nowhere and had to piss
really bad?  Well if you are a guy you are in luck because I will be going 
over some of the ways you can wizz in the wilderness.  Enough babbling
here we go.

        1. One major rule you must follw is stay away from the wild animals
mainly wolverines or racoons because they will not be to happy if you are
draining the lizard in their nest and probably take phsyical action against
your penis.


        2. Find a nice big tree or a bush out of the wind so that you
won't be splashed.  No one likes piss all over their pants and shirt, so
watch the wind.

        3. Do not pull your pants all the way down because if some old 
farm geezer sees you he might 
                (a) Get out the Shotgun and begin firing at you
                (á) Actually use his/her phone and call Barney Fife
Also you might look a tasty snack for a black bear or grizzly bear 


        4. Do not piss on any (what look to be) abandon farm houses, because
they are not always that way.  I learned the hard way.  It seems I aroused
a homosexual bull and I was walking bow legged for 6 months straight.


        5. Finally, remember to shake it good to get all the excess dripage
off.  This is so you aren't walking away and you get a wet feeling in your 
undies, that is if you are wearing any underpants.  But remember, more than
six shakes and you are wanking it.

-  Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä  Ä

-Fortunes-

        I've always wondered about the meaning of life, and 
then one day, right out of the blue, I found out.  I was at 
this neat chinese restaraunt right by my house, and I opened 
my fortune cookie to reveal...

    "Your life will be filled with happyness and warmth"

        Great. That is the moment I figured out my true 
calling in life.  I was going to hunt down and KILL every 
single one of the people who write the fortunes that go into 
fortune cookies.. yes, it may sound impossible, but when you 
think about how much a person could really get accomplished in 
a lifetime, it's not that impossible a task.  Well, tomorrow I 
set out to take my goal across the globe in order to end the 
petty lives of these Opimistic bullshit fortunes.  Then, when 
I'm all done slaughtering them all, I may even stop for a 
while and write some of my own... 

        Now, you may think it'd be hard to get in touch with 
these authors, they don't exactly write their names on their 
fortunes, but I found a way... I asked the manager of the 
chinese resteraunt where they bought their fortune cookies 
from... then I traced the company that makes them, and found 
out who is their employee that makes them... I told them I was 
a reporter wanted to interview him.. how foolish they are.. so 
that way I got the phone #'s of all the authors from that 
company... I simply CNA'd their numbers, and wha-lah! I had 
their addresses... 
        
        Tomorrow, their pathetic lives will have ceased 
because of my hands.  I truly will make a difference.  
Nevermore will you ever read an annoying optimistic fortune.  
Now you'll get ones like "You probably are alive if you're 
reading this" or "You'll probably die from either heart 
problems, lung cancer, or a car accident".  At least my 
fortunes would have not so optimistic messages.

-  Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä  Ä

-Golden Screw-

        This is a tale of the magnitude that you cannot imagine, a scale
that is incomprehensible. Ok, so I lie. Here is the story anyways, the
story of the Golden Screw.
 
        Once upon a time, not too long ago, there was an average family
that lived in an average house in an average town, in the average state
of Idaho. Well, one day this family had a son.  When this son was born,
and came out of the mothers womb, the doctos looked him over, to make
sure that he possed all the little parts that a normal person has.
        Yes, he had 5 toes each on two feet, as well as 10 fingers,
equally distributed on two hands. He had two ears, two eyes, a nose and
a mouth. The doctors preced to cut the umbilical cord... and made a
shocking discovery.
        Where the end of the umbilical cord was, where the belly button
should be, was what appeared to be a golden screw. This shocked the
doctors and the family quite a bit, and they decided to run some tests
on it.
        Well, it turned out that it really was gold, and that there was
no conceivable way to seperate it from the boy. But the boy was
otherewise perfectly fine, so the doctors let him leave the hospital and
go home after a couple of days.
        Time passed, a couple of years, and the boy became a toddler. He
still had the golden screw in place of a belly button. It was about the
size of a penny, and a quarter of an inch long, but it seemed to be
growing along with the boy. The boy was too youung to realize that he
was special, but needles to say the glowing screw on his stomache
provided him many hours of fascination.
        More time passed, and the boy started school, and at this point
of the story he is around 10 years old and in 5th grade. The screw has
tbe diameter of a nickel now, and is 3 quarters of an inch long. This
causes it to stick out of the shirt, which causes many of the other kids
in the class to make fun of him. But the boy is strong willed, and he
doesn't pay any attention to their jesting, and he eventually becomes
quite a popular kid.
        In high school he plays football, and is the starting
quarterback, and is quite good. He makes all-conference all 4 years, and
his senior year his team wins state. He is known as one of the nicest
and most honorable guys in the school, and everyone wants to be his
friend.
        Well, the end of his senior year has arrived, and he goes to
prom (no she doesn't have a golden nut!), and that night, he begins to
think seriously about his future. At this point the screw has the
diamter of a quarter, and is over and inch long. He had planned to go to
college next year, stanford, but he now has doubts as to what he wants to
do. Because he feels that the screw is there for a purpose, and that gosh
darn it, he ought to find out what that purpose is. So instead of going to
college he goes to Galveston, Texas, where he heard that they had some
excellent doctors, and perhaps they could tell him something about the
screw.
        He arrives in Texas, and heads straight away to this famous
specialist, hopefull that he could still possibly make it to college the
next semester. But, alas, the specialist can tell him nothing about the
screw. All the tests his runs are in vain, and he tells the boy that he
can do no more. He tells the boy to go to Johns Hopkins University in
Maryland, where he thinks that the boy may find the answer to the
question. The boy thanks the doctor and journeys off to Maryland.
        He arrives at  JHU and he is pointed in the direction of their
research departmen. There he is looked over by a team of some of the
brightest doctors in the world. They run a myriad of state of the art
tests on him, but the only new thing they can tell the boy is the mass
of the screw. They inform him that a certain doctor in Liverpool England
had lately been making great advances in bizarre birth defects, and they
advised the boy to visit her. He thanks the doctors, and heads over to
the British Isles.
        The British doctor is amazed by his screw, and spends several
weeks running tests on it and examing the boy. She informs him that she
had never seen anything like this in her life, and that she is most
excited by the gold screw. However, she cannot deduce anything about the
nature of the screw, for which she is very sorry, but she tells the boy
that his last chance might be to visist the Juhai institue in Ne
w Delhi
India, to see if they can help him. He thanks the doctor, and heads to
India.
        Unfortunately, he recieves the same old story at the Juhai
Institute, they can tell him nothing. The boy is now fed up with doctors
and decides to wander the world, visiting mystics and what not, until he
dies, or finds the secret of the golden screw.
        A number of years later while wandering in the Himalayas of Tibet
he comes across a lone monk, sitting in the lotus position floating
several inches off the ground. He really doesn't want to disturb the
monk, but he believes with all his heart that the monk can help him, so
he say's hello.
        The monk promptly falls to the ground, gets up and rubs his
rear, and greets the boy. He tells the boy that the answer of his
question can be found on a certain mountain peak, about 10 miles from
where they now were. The boy is astounded, because he never explained
his situation to the monk. The monk tells the boy to seek out the peak,
climb up it, and sit, and all will be revealed.
        The boy finds the peak and climbs it, which is an ordeal in
itself. When he reaches the pinacle, he discovers a seat carved in the
rock. He sits in it, and it fits him perfectly. He now waits.
        Three days later he is still sitting their, starving, thirsty,
and smelling like shit. He decides to give up, not just on the peak, but
on the entire quest to discover the secret of the screw. He gets up off
the seat, and begins to walk down, when he hears a great voice.
        "STOP!"
        At first the boy thinks that he is delirous, and it is merely in
his mind, but he stops anyway, and waits a few seconds.
        "LIE DOWN!"
        He still thinks that it is only his imagination, but he decides
to lie down, and see what happes. As he lies down, a gigantic hand
comes dowm from the sky, bearing a golden screwdriver. "At last," thinks
the boy, "an answer!".
        "LIFT UP YOUR SHIRT!"
        The boy does as he's told, and the hand with the screwdriver
reaches over, and begins to unscrew the screw on his stomache. The screw
slowly begins to come out, and the boy is ecstatic. Then suddenly the
hand stops turning the screw, and vanishes.
        The boy puts his hands on the screw, and discovers that it is
loose. A few turns, and it it completely out of him. He looks it over,
and then stands up...

        AND HIS BUTT FALLS OFF!!!!

-  Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä  Ä

-Buffy-    
    
    Tom sat down in the chair and turned on the computer and modem. He logged 
on his favorite bulletin board. There were five other people in the 
conference: jh, Com, Nyarlathotep, Buffy and Yohan Bawk. He immediately 
started hitting his macro keys, most of them dealing with the various users 
and gerbils. Occasionally he pressed a key that set off a barrage of twitty 
comments about the sysop of the system and eggplants. <Whistle.. and..boy. the
things you learn online..> He then started to hit on Buffy since she seemed to
be the only one online that had ovaries. (The status of some of the others was
doubtful, but he decided to twit with just the one. Mustn't o.d. on 
hormones..) 
    "Hey baby.. howsabout you come on over here?" he typed to Buffy. To his 
surprise, she cheerily agreed. He gave her directions while in a shocked 
state..Nobody had ever reacted like that to him before. Then his brain caught 
up with his hormones. "Probably a geek," he muttered to himself. But he was 
too excited to twit now. He logged off and sat behind his desk, putting his 
feet up on it. He picked up the smoking remnants of what was once probably a 
cigarette but now resembled more closely a little piece of something not 
entirely unlike flaming frog ligaments and dangled it from between his lips. 
Just as he was about to suck the stream of burning matter into his body, 
however, the door to his apartment was thrust open by a lascivious blonde.
    "Hello," she purred in greeting as she jumped up on top of his desk and 
licked his face. She crouched in that position until Tom's brain cells stopped
careening around inside his head.
    "Gak," Tom's vocal cords managed to squeeze out before his hormones 
erupted and the majority of his small number of brain cells hit each other, 
creating a huge mushroom cloud of typical male-twit stupidity. They started 
functioning (somewhat sluggishly) a short time later.
    "Um," Tom's voice cracked.
    "My name is...Buffy," she purred, running her finger up and down Tom's 
pudgy chest.
    "Hi, Tom. I mean, I'm Tom. Nice..very nice..whooaaa baby..um, to meat 
you." Tom squawked before lapsing into a silence in which nothing moved, save 
his eyes (which were following the movements of..bounce..bounce..jiggle... and
the thin sliver of drool that was winding its way down Tom's chin)
    "Listen," Buffy said, crossing her legs and making the small fragment of 
cloth that was probably supposed to cover something ride higher on her legs. 
Tom could do nothing but obey, and did so eagerly.
    "I have a job for you," Buffy continued. "Stand," she commanded to the 
ape-like being drooling in front of her. Buffy reached across the desk and 
grabbed Tom's shirt with one hand. Suddenly her other hand came into view, 
a gruesome stake held in its slender fingers. She held Tom down with one hand 
while the other flew through the air and planted the stake in Tom's chest.
    "Buffy the twit slayer strikes again," she laughed maliciously as she 
flounced out of the room.

-  Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ-Ä Ä  Ä

Û           Û  [MiLK] Information
Û           Û
Û           Û  [MiLK] Sites: 
Û           Û
Û           Û  Barney's Pleasure Palace...(708)965-3098 [14,400]
Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û  CUM........................(708)961-1220 [14,400]
Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û  The Lunatic Phringe........(708)232-0565 [12 Nodes]
Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û  
Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û
Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û  BIG Issue #3
ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ  This file is Exactly 23479 bytes long

