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***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
*******************PARTS TWENTY-ONE TO TWENTY-FIVE**************************
     (Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)

______________________________________________________________________________


21 Today, 21 Today

          TOXIC            MUTANT             NINJA            CUSTARD
        #############    ###### ######      #####    ###       #########
             ###         ### ## ## ###      ######  ###      ####
              ###        ###  ###  ###      ### ### ###     ###
               ###        ###  ###  ###    ###   #####     ###
                ###       ###  ###  ###    ###     ###     #########
          Toxic Custard Workshop Files Number 21 - 31st October 1990
             Written by Raymond Luxury-Yacht (tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)

AND NOW, DUE TO POPULAR DEMAND...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

LENNOX:   Good-morrow, noble sir.

MACBETH:  Mornin' all, have a good kip?

MACDUFF:  Is the king stirring, worthy thane?

MACBETH:  Nope, he got a bit piddly last night.

MACDUFF:  He did command me to call timely on him; I have almost slipped
          the hour.

MACBETH:  Cripes, well I'm not waking up the king; he'll have my head
          lopped off!

MACDUFF:  I know this is a joyful trouble to you; But yet 'tis one.

MACBETH:  Yeah well.... someone's gotta wake up the old git. This is the door.
          I'll go and put the kettle on.

MACDUFF:  I'll make to bold to call, For 'tis my limited service. [HE GOES IN]

LENNOX:   Goes the king hence to-day?

MACBETH:  Yeah, that's what it says in his appointment diary.

LENNOX:   The night has been unruly: where we lay,
          our chimneys were blown down, and as they say,
          Lamentings heard i'th'air, strange screams of death,
          And prophesying with accents terrible
          Of dire combustion and confused events
          New hatched to th'woeful time. The obscure bird
          Clamoured the livelong night: some say, the earth
          Was feverous and did shake.

MACBETH:  Yeah, I was pissed too.

LENNOX:   My young remembrance cannot parallel a fellow to it.

[MACDUFF RETURNS]

MACDUFF:  O horror! horror! horror! Tongue, nor heart,
          Cannot conceive nor name thee!

MACBETH, LENNOX: What's the matter?

MACDUFF:  Confusion now hath made his masterpiece!
          Most sacrilegious murder hath broke ope
          The Lord's anointed temple, and stole thence
          The life o'th' building.

MACBETH:  Come again?

LENNOX:   Mean you his majesty?

MACDUFF:  Approach the chamber, and destroy your sight
          With a new Gorgon: do not bid me speak;
          See, and then speak yourselves.

MACBETH:  Oh shit...  And we only just had the carpet steam-cleaned.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


WELCOME  BACK. AND NOW WE CROSS LIVE TO SCOTLAND, WHERE JONATHON DIMBLEBY IS ON
THE SCENE,  WAITING  TO  FILL US IN ON THE LATEST DEVELOPMENTS ON THE MURDER OF
THE KING.

JONATHON: Thank you Richard. I have with me here  a  nobleman  of  Scotland, in
          fact  the  man  who  found  the  murdered  king. Mr Macduff, what has
          happened here?

MACDUFF:  Murder and treason! Look on death itself! up, up and see
          The great doom's image!
          As from your graves rise up, and walk like sprites,
          To countenance this horror!

JONATHON: I see. Well, also here is Mr Lennox, another nobleman of Scotland.

LENNOX:   Aghast I stood as I surveyed the scene
          Of the horror of this day.
          Though the murderer is not found,
          Mayhaps he is closer than we think.

JONATHON: And finally, Mr Macbeth. Any comment to make?

MACBETH:  Yes Jonathon. Although it does look at first glance that the king has
          been brutally murdered, I have inspected the situation, and  it looks
          very much to me as if the rats got him.

JONATHON: Rats?

MACBETH:  Yes  Jonathon, rats.  After all, we must remember that  this  is  the
          middle ages, and that beubonic plague is commonplace.

JONATHON: Yes, well, on that note, back to the studio.

             ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOT COMING SOON:
     ATTILA THE BAR-STOOL

PROBABLY COMING SOON:
     MARK ANTHONY THRILLS THE CROWDS WITH HIS HIGHLY ORIGINAL SOUND

_______________________________________________________________________________


RIP Good Taste.


FRIENDS, ROMANS, COUNTRYMEN. LEND ME YOUR EARS.

Yes, I see. And this loan is to be secured by the deposit of thirty percent
of your net tangible assets for the loan period is it?

********************************************
*       Toxic Custard Workshop Files       *
*                 Number 22                *
*             5th November 1990            *
********************************************

                 WATCH THIS EPISODE CAREFULLY because somewhere
                 in it there is a concealed political message!

S P O R T - R E P O R T - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

    You're reading the Toxic Custard Sports Machine! And welcome one and all
    to  the 1990 SUICIDE OLYMPICS. Yesterday provided some great deaths, and
    unfortunately  they   were   so  successful  that  of  the  original  50
    competitors, there  are  only two left. Before we see the finalists play
    it off, here are some of the highlights from yesterday's competition.

    - Australian Bruce Fosters  got  completely  pissed and climbed into the
    cab of his semi-trailer to go on  to  a  stunning  death  on the Pacific
    Highway   in   Queensland,   unfortunately  taking  most  of  a  fifteen
    interstate-coach convoy with him.

    -  US  giant  athlete  Ralph Yankovich had  three  attempts  before  his
    strategy of lunch at a  McDonalds restaurant in Florida paid off. On the
    third  attempt, known mad gunman Arnold  Psychopath  (a  member  of  the
    Florida Union of Criminal Killers; and a gun-lobby activist) entered and
    shot him. US team strategists say that if it  hadn't happened by Ralph's
    fifth attempt, the food would have killed him anyway.

    - Englishman Dave "Killer" Pomson managed to breathe in the smoke from a
    world-record  seventy-five  packets  of   cigarettes   yesterday   in  a
    university common-room, and doctors  pronounced  him dead of lung-cancer
    late last night.

    At the  conclusion  of  yesterday's competition, the only finalists left
    alive  were  *THE  LABOR  PARTY  ARE  TWATS,  AND  THE  LIBERAL/NATIONAL
    COALITION ARE MORONS* two Irishmen,  Mickey  O'Thickhead and Paddy Cell.
    Team officials announced this morning the details of today's attempts to
    kill themselves.

    -  Mickey  O'Thickhead  will  watch  sixteen  hours   of   Channel   Ten
    transmissions. Experts don't expect him to last  more than five hours at
    the  most. Some have estimated that he will  be  brain-dead  within  the
    first hour.

    -  Paddy   Cell   will   return  to  his  native  Belfast,  sporting  an
    orange-coloured "I Love Ian Paisley" T-Shirt.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
               THE 1990 SUICIDE OLYMPICS ARE PROUDLY SPONSORED BY
                  /\/\uckDonald's     "Good time, great taste
                                      All in a CFC lined case"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOMORROW'S MELBOURNE CUP CERTAINTY:
Salman Rushdie won't be riding the winner.


                     NEXT ISSUE: Mark Anthony & The Credits

_______________________________________________________________________________


MONASH UNIVERSITY    -    NEW EXAMINATION REGULATIONS            REF:T23-071190
-----------------------------------------------------

All  students  should  take  note  of  the  following  additional  and modified
examination regulations.

1. Candidates must not attempt revision earlier than thirty (30) minutes before
the scheduled start of an examination.

2. Candidates  must miss their trains on the way to examinations or not be able
to find a parking space if they are driving.

3. Room allocation  for candidates will be posted up precisely five (5) minutes
after the examination has begun.

4. Examination supervisors must  be  a minimum of sixty-five (65) years of age,
completely deaf, totally ignorant of the  subject being examined, and unable to
spot a raised hand at a distance of more than two (2) metres.

5. No matter how  hard they try to find a decent table, all candidates will end
up sitting at one with  a  minimum of one leg a different length to the others.
Candidates are advised to seek the attention  of  an  examination supervisor by
dancing  on  the table, until a supervisor comes and attempts unsuccessfully to
alleviate the situation with piles and piles of folded-up bits of paper.

6. Strictly  no  talking is permitted in the examination room. Well, all right,
you can talk until  the  old  geezer  says "Start reading". But not after that.
From that point onwards, a variety of hand-signals  and  facial expressions may
be employed.

7.  Dropped  pens  must  roll a minimum of three (3)  metres,  generally  under
someone else's desk. No spare pens will be available.

8.  During Reading Time, no  writing  whatsoever  is  permitted.  However,  for
multiple-choice questions,  a  calculator  in hexidecimal mode may be employed,
for later transcription of answers into the answer booklet. An alternative is a
nice sharp fingernail.

9. Lecturers for examined subjects  will  be  almost impossible to get hold of,
and  when  the  candidate does get to speak to them, they won't know  what  the
candidate is talking about.

10. The typographical error quota this semester is three (3) per page.




OHNOIT'SREALLYTOXICCUSTARDWORKSHOPFILESNUMBERTWENTYTHREEWHAT'SHAPPENEDTOTHE
SPACEKEYOHNO,IT'SBROKENHOLDONI'LLTRYTHETABKEYINSTEAD
AH	THAT'S	A	BIT	BETTER	NEVER	MIND,	ON	WITH
THE	FILE	OH	GOD	NOT	MORE	SHAKESPEARE

ANTONY:   Friends, Romans, countrymens lend me your ears;
          I come to praise Caesar, not to bury him;
          The lives that men do evil after them,
          The bones is oft good with their interred,
          So noble it be with Brutus.... the let Caesar
          Ambitious told you hath wash Caesar
          If it were so, hic was a grevious fault,
          And anshered greviously Caesared hath it....
          Here hear, under Brutush of leave and rest the
          (For Brutush he's an honouraball man
          Sho are they all; all all all all all very honourable men indeed yes)
          Comes I to shpeak in Caeshar's funeral
          He wash my fiend, faithful and just to me, oh yes he was... always
          But Brutus saids he was amb... amb... ambithouse?
          And Brutus is an honourable man... I've said that, haven't I
          But God I loves Caesar; 'cos he was my mate...

PLEBEIAN 1: Methinks there is much reason in his sayings.

PLEBEIAN 2: You reckon? I'd say he's shit-faced.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


SHORT JOKES DEPT
----------------

New toxic, ozone-depleting, environment un-friendly
**FLAVOURED AIR**   Now available from Nippon-Murdoch Pty Ltd


GARDENING TIP
  Install a bird feeding post. This will-
    - support the local bird population
    - get rid of those pesky slugs naturally, but most of all
    - save on cat food


MEET GOD IN PERSON!
This Thursday  from  12-2pm,  God  will be signing copies of his new single, "I
Don't Like Fridays" in the record department at Myer Southland.

_______________________________________________________________________________


Toxic's back.. and it's not funny.

+----+----+     +--------+     +         +     +---------+       +----+  +    +
     |          |              |         |     |                      |  |    |
     |          |              |    +    |     +------+          +----+  +----+
     |          |              |    |    |     |                 |            |
     +          +--------+     +----+----+     +                 +----+       +
T O X I C    C U S T A R D    W O R K S H O P    F I L E S          2 6   N O V
                                                                 'ere, what the
INGREDIENTS:                                                     'ell is a Nov?
Benzidrine, flouro-wancezine-mega-carbonate, hyper-concentrate-thingy, a
joke, some stuff, chemical additive U.G.H. (Under-Graduate Humour), and
Mango Milkshake. Laugh compatible. Do not over-quote or paraphrase. Do
not expose to delete command.


THE METROPOLITAN TRANSIT AUTHORITY is pleased to announce the new
transport zoning system for the Melbourne metropolitan area, which we
have been working on ever since the last zoning system came into effect.
The new system will consist of not three, but forty-seven zones. To work
out which zone you are in, take the page number of the Melways
street-directory you are in and call it 'x'.
    Your zone = int ((x * tan (x) ^ 2 ) mod 47) + 1

The zones are not actually numbered, but are named after colours. Whereas
in the old system the zones were 1, 2 and 3 (or yellow, blue and red),
the new system consists of zones named blue, navy blue, light blue,
electric blue, royal blue, red, bright red, pink, burgundy and so on.

The bus and tram numbering system has also been changed. These will now
be known by the names of animals. So, to go from Carnegie to the city,
you now need to catch the giraffe tram. If you wish to go by bus, you
could get the grasshopper and change to an ostrich at Hotham Street, blue
zone. Your ticket will need to be valid in zones blue, bright red, pink,
mauve, gold, bottle green and paisley.


AND NOW A REPORT ON THE SNAIL TOLL
The snail toll this year has risen to 382,272; more than 20,000 higher
than this time last year. Experts from the RSPCA accident research unit
and "Gardening Australia" say that if little more rain is present for the
rest of the year, the year's toll may be no higher than last year's
total.
    Joe Wheelbarrow, RSPCA spokesman said "It's a matter of public
education. These snails must be taught not to go out onto the paths of
this city straight after rain, only to be squashed flat by a drunk in
charge of a shoe."
    COMING UP NEXT WEEK... THE NEWT TOLL


"THE FINAL SOLUTION"
by Prof Yoshe Cohen
A new and dynamic look at calculus


HOW MUCH OF A COMPUTER DAG ARE YOU?
How many people that you see regularly do you talk to more often
electronically than face-to-face?


THE BEST SOFTWARE FOR THE LUNATIC COMPUTER USER...
"StuffED" Text Editor - special features:
- Language bias module: Won't edit COBOL source-code
- AutoCorrupt (tm)
- Count bugs in editor
- Multi-user/one file "Edit Wars"


And remember; eat all your ^s


                             (c) 1990 Daniel Bowen.
                     But who'd wanna copy this crap anyway?
                            (Except for Henry Cate.)

_______________________________________________________________________________


Mundane Issue.

                         Mundane Productions Present
                               A Boring Feature
                       Live, from Melbourne, Australia
                        (Boring capital of the world)
                  (Well, okay then, it's Nova Scotia really)
                                   __
__|__      __                     |__      Silver episode#25. In other words,
  | OXIC  | USTARD  |   |ORKSHOP  | ILES   whilst reading this, paint yourself
  |       |__       |_|_| 3/12/90 |        with silver. (Is that right?)
                                 By Raymond Luxury-Yacht (tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)


A NEW SUGGESTION FOR COMBATTING THE POPULATION EXPLOSION
- Compulsory execution of little sisters


         THE ECONOMY
             The trade figures for the month of October 1990 were
         released recently, and it has been revealed that the Trade
         Deficit for 43 South Street has increased for the third month
         in a row. This means that the Taylor family are now officially
         in a recession.
             Mr John Taylor commented that the recent capital
         requisition programme (a lawn-mower) was a factor in the
         latest figures, but blamed the onset of the recession on the
         Prime Minister's eyebrows. "He should cut back, like the rest
         of us. In these days of hard economic times, it is wrong to
         have eyebrows that big. He should be providing all of us with
         a good example that we can follow. And the opposition aren't
         any better, Mr Stockdale in particular."
                         THIS JOKE HAS BEEN CANCELLED
                           DUE TO LACK OF INTEREST.

Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?/\
No, it's     /  \
    ---------------------   - Leaps tall terminals in a single bound!
    S U P E R     U S E R   - Wipes out users at the press of a button!
    ---------------------   - Closes down the computer at a moment's notice!
             \  /           - Sacrifices spare time to keep the system going
              \/              for all of us. Isn't he a nice guy? Don't we
                              all love our system managers?

Meanwhile, on the planet Plagiar, the most powerful evil and ruthless being
in the universe, the monster Subschema, was plotting to take over the
universe with his trusty sidekick, Sponge.
    "We'll start with the strategic placement of forty-thousand space-cadets
at Mrs Rubberneck's at number 28."
    "Yes lord", replied Sponge.
    Suddenly, a conveniently weakened door burst in, and Subschema was
confronted by his sworn enemy - Captain Fringe.
    "Haha - caught you Subschema; trying to take over the universe again!
You're under arrest under Intergalactic Law. You have the right to remain
silent. You have the right to legal representation. You have the right to
normal life-support for your species. You are warned that you may be
extradited to your planet of origin or imprisoned on a suitable planet with
livable atmosphere. Oh shit, where's my gun got to?"
    As Subschema began to move towards him, Fringe backed away.
    "Not so fast Subschema - I have with me the most feared species in the
Galaxy. Worse than the Gonzaloids, the Wimpians and Jason Donovan combined.
They'd make Daleks quiver in their casings; they'd make Cybermen want to take
the day off."
    "You don't mean..." said Subschema.
    "Yes!" said Fringe triumphantly, as clicked his fingers and the shadow of
something came down the corridor.
    The something came in, mumbling in a monotone (Steve Kilbey style) as it
came.

         *** C h o o s e   y o u r   o w n   p u n c h l i n e ! ! ***
         YOU decide how this bit ends.... who comes down the corridor?
                     /                                    \
If you think it should be a computer      If you think it should be a hard-core
technology lecturer, read this side.      "Doctor Who" fan, read this side.
-------------------------------------     -------------------------------------
"So,  we  can see that records may be     "... but Silver Nemesis wasn't nearly
accessed several ways  would  you  be     as   good  as  Earthshock,  I  reckon
quiet  up  the back please I hope you     because  I  got  Earthshock last week
are  listening to  this,  because  it     third   generation  and  the  picture
will be  on  the exam and besides you     isn't  too  bad  although the episode
can't do programming all  your  lives     breaks are missing but  did  you hear
you  will  have to get onto DB design     about  that  episode of Invasion they
sooner or later  because  programming     recovered in an  attic the same bloke
may  be stimulating initially but you     found it that got  hold  of  that Ice
can't keep  it  up  forever no matter     Warriors  footage  and  I'm getting a
what  language you use... language...     copy  next  Wednesday  if  I'm  lucky
sounds a  bit like sandwich... anyway     along  with some of  The  Daemons  in
sets  are  implemented   as   pointer     colour although  the start of episode
chains and an  entity  can point back     one's missing and  it's  good  to see
to its owner... take me to your owner     them  making  some  good episodes now
it'll say..."                             that JN-T's finally going... "
                           \                   /
                         Surrender was a certainty.

AUTHOR'S PROMISE:
I will never, ever do that again.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 TCWF  is  published  in weekly parts every Monday for you to read and delete.
 And with the first  issue  you don't get a complementary straight-jacket. For
 back issues, just mail vac122g@vx24.cc.monash.edu.au   But  do not send money
 now. Or ever. Unless you really want  to.  Actually, on second thoughts, send
 me   all   your  money.  That  address  again,  vac122g@vx24.cc.monash.edu.au
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEXT WEEK we'll be looking at how to get into the lunatic asylum of
your choice. And we'll be visiting the John Major School of Really
Interesting People, and the Henry Cate School of Joke Copying.

                       THIS EPISODE HAS BEEN CANCELLED
                           DUE TO LACK OF INTEREST.

_______________________________________________________________________________

To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu

--
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
May be copied or reproduced without permission
provided this notice remains intact.
--
         Daniel Francis Bowen            | Remember - jumpers are
 Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
          tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu            | [Toxic Custard Workshop]
