                 ______      ______         ______________
                |      |    |      |        \             |
                 \    /      \    /   ____   \      ______|
                  |  |________|  |   /    \   |    |____ 
                  |   ________   |  (  {}  )  |    _____)
    /~~~~~~~~~~~  |  |        |  |   \____/   |    |______  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~\
    |  |~~~~~~~  /    \      /    \          /            |  ~~~~~~~~~|  |
    |  |        |______|    |______|        /_____________|           |  |
    |  |                                                              |  |
    |  |          ...Hogs of Entropy Text Files Present...            |  |
    |  |                                                              |  |
    |  |      "The Great CyberSpace Coaster Chat Board Caper"         |  |
    |  |                                                              |  |
    |  |                                                              |  |
    |  |                                              By: IM2K4U2C    |  |
    |  |                                                              |  |
     \  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  /
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     Sometimes things need to be pounded into peoples heads like a hammer.  I
truly wonder sometimes why there are so many people that don't have a clue
what's going on around them.  People don't stop and think.  People take all
the wrong stupid unimportant things in life too seriously.
   
     Sometimes when I'm talking to someone at my local 2600 Meetings, they
ask me what boards I call.  They looked shocked when I tell them that I don't
call any.  Sure, many of us in telecom started on BBSs, but when you really
take a look at it you'll realized that all BBSs are weak.  Why the fuck would
you run a board when you can get everything you could want from the Internet,
and easier than any 'board' could every do.  Message Bases are nothing
compared to Usenet, File Bases are nothing compared to FTP, and 'Chat' is
nothing compared to IRC.

     As if telcom didn't have enough morons, the world is hit with chat
boards.  I'm well aware that the whole chat board thing isn't new, however it
seems this type of board is becoming more and more common by the day.  The
fad has brought in, and continues to bring in the lowest intelligence to the
modem world.  And what's worse is that today many many of these boards [Many
of them MajorBBS] are getting hooked into the Internet.  It makes me pull my
hair out sometimes.  As if IRC didn't do the pathetic job that these chat
boards do.

     Wait.  Was that a judgement?  CRAP.  It was.  Fine, Fine.  I know what
you're thinking.  "You don't call chat boards so how can you know how good or
bad they are!"  Okay, you're right.  

     Yes, that paragraph had sarcasm in it, dimwit.  However, I'm going to
prove my point now by collecting OFFICIAL HoE Research Data, much in the same
way that Abigwar did in HoE #32.  I'm going to actually telnet to one of the
larger chat boards and spend 2 hours in the Teleconfrence testing out and
proving the four theories I have about Chat Boards and capturing the results.
As hard as it is to believe - these are real captures.  And yes, I AM really
this big of an ass in real life too.

Enjoy,

______________________________________________________________________________


Theory #1- "If you fun of someone, they'll assume you're serious."


|-=-=------------------Official-HoE-Research-Data-Start!------------------=-=-|

You are in the Main Channel of the Teleconfrence.  SmileyT, Ponyboy, Hans,
Blowfish, and Twinkie are here with you.
 
[From Twinkie]: hi im2ad34adafs34
[From Hans]: hahahahaa...What the fuck kind of fucked up handle is that?
[From IM2K4U2C]: You have to understand what K-Rad is to get it.  You guys
        are too caught up in sitting around this board all day to get it.
[From Blowfish (to Hans)]: i don't think laura even cares about if he's
        cheating on her or not. :)
[From Ponyboy]: what does it mean?
[From IM2K4U2C]: It's phonetic.
[From Hans (to Blowfish)]: She cares!!!  She's not that stupid! :)
[From Twinkie]: I still don't get it.
[From Ponyboy]: uhhh.. huh?
[From IM2K4U2C]: You know, you sound out each letter/number.
[From Ponyboy]: Oh!  Like "I am to Kay four you to see"?
[From IM2K4U2C]: Uhmm.. sorta.  Except the the 2 is a "too", the 4 is a
        "four", and the K is just K.
[From Twinkie]: I'm so depressed............My life sux.............
[From Ponyboy]: Oh.  It still makes no sense.  Why did you pick such a lame
        handle?  Are you a newbie to chat boards?
[From IM2K4U2C]: There's a redundance if I ever saw one.  No.
[From Hans (to Blowfish)]: I think that shes the stupidest slut i ever met :)
[From Ponyboy]: What the fuck does that mean?
[From Twinkie]: i'm.................so....................bored............
[From IM2K4U2C]: It means that the people that come onto chat boards are
        almost always anti-social people with no life.  Except for me.  I'm
        an exception.  Heh,.
[From Ponyboy]: shut the fuck up.. 
[From IM2K4U2C]: My, My, My...aren't we a little edgy these days?
[From Ponyboy]: Listen you little lamer faggot, why don't you go back to
        playing with your Transformers or something and leave us alone.
[From SmileyT]: Hey Ponyboy!  Chill out man!
[From IM2K4U2C]: I think if I was a 'little lamer faggot' then it would be a
        step UP to go play with Transformers!  They Transformers RULED.
        Don't you remember how cool they were?
[From IM2K4U2C]: My favorite transformer was Optimus Prime.  Then came
        Devastator.  Do you remember him?  He was the one that was formed by
        all the DestructoCons when they all merged!
[From Ponyboy]: that's so lame.. you're jokes are so corney.. why don't you
        go masturbate to a some gif of a naked man or something little
        faggot?
[From IM2K4U2C]: Okay.  Who would you prefer: Brad Pitt or Keanu Reeves?
[From Ponyboy]: really not funny.. dude you are like the bigger lamer ever...
[From IM2K4U2C]: Are 'faggot' and 'lamer' the only two insult you know?
[From Ponyboy]: i'm tired of your shit.. shut the fuck up!!!!!!!!!!
[From IM2K4U2C]: And if I don't?
[From Ponyboy]: stop fuking with me, you know i could fuck you up... i'm sure
        that i'm a hell of a lot bigger than you and i'll go kick your
        fucking ass
[From IM2K4U2C]: How big exactly are you?
[From Ponyboy]: ..i'm 6'3 - i weight 220 puounds..
** Twinkie is snickering under her breath **
[From IM2K4U2C]: So we're all Greek Gods today, huh?
[From Ponyboy]: i'm not a computer geek jockey like you, i gota life
[From IM2K4U2C]: ou hang out on chat boards and you have a life?  You hang
        out sitting on your butt and you that big?  Well, assuming you're
        honest than you are bigger than me.  Now tell me this, are you local
[From IM2K4U2C]: to the 713 area code of this chat board (that's texas)?
[From Ponyboy]: Yeah..I know its texas faggot.. i live here!!!
[From IM2K4U2C]: So, I'm telneting here (this is from something called the
        internet, it's a big linkup of computers.  A computer is what that
        thing you are typing on right now is called) from 619, which is
[From IM2K4U2C]: in San Diego.  How do you propose to come and kick my ass?
        Are you willing to make such a long drive to get to where I live?
[From Ponyboy]: SHUt uP!!  You are so fucking lame it's not even worth
        talking to you.. you just blab on and on like an annoying little
        parrot.. i'll call back later when your sorry lamer ass is gone...
** Ponyboy has vanished from the Teleconfrence **
[From Twinkie]: He could have just /ignore'd you....

=-=-=================================[End]================================-=-=

     Well, I'm not exactly sure what this proves, but as you can see someone
doesn't have a very good sense of humor.  If the guy had at any one point
realized that I was totally goofing off of everything he said and not
"starting a fight" (Note: Can there really ever be a "fight" in a chat
board?) then I would have stopped.  I guess some people were born to be
morons.

______________________________________________________________________________


Theory #2- "You can go just so far with a CyberSex."


|-=-=------------------Official-HoE-Research-Data-Start!------------------=-=-|

** Cindy Brady is inviting you to her Private Channel **
You are in Cindy Brady's Private Channel.  Cindy Brady is here with you.
[From IM2K4U2C]: Hey weren't you a porn star?
[From Cindy Brady]: hehehe
[From IM2K4U2C]: I never quite got the fever to say "hehehe".  I wonder what
        exactly that sounds like in real life.  Is it an average laugh?  To
        me it looks like some really stupid giggle.
[From Cindy Brady]: hehehe
[From IM2K4U2C]: You're into repetitive humor, huh?
[From Cindy Brady]: Didn't you page me asking if you wanted to hot chat?
[From IM2K4U2C]: Oh yeah.  I was actually kidding, but you...uhhmm.. look
        like such a hot babe!  i just gotta lay on that fever for the flavor
        of a pringles.  Once you pop you can't stop.
[From IM2K4U2C]: So, let's get down to business.  I'm pretty new at this sort
        of thing.  Mind if you give me a hand.. is it hard?  [double pun not
        intended].
[From Cindy Brady]: hehe..It's easy...
[From IM2K4U2C]: I think it's slowly dawning on me that I'm actually NOT
        funny and I only amuse myself.
[From Cindy Brady]: heheh..
[From IM2K4U2C]: Okay, let's get down to masturb...er, I mean 'sex'.
[From Cindy Brady]: hehe.. how big are you?
[From IM2K4U2C]: I'm 5'10".  And you?
[From Cindy Brady]: no, i meant YOu....hehe...
[From IM2K4U2C]: Oh.. I'm a mega-mackadacious 12-f00ter baby!  BAMMA-BAM!
        And that's not even erect!
[From Cindy Brady]: OH!  That's HUGE!
[From IM2K4U2C]: Oh, I bet you say that to all the cyber-studs...
[From Cindy Brady]: No, I've never had one that big in me.
[From IM2K4U2C]: No doubt.  Fine.
** Cindy Brady is 5'6" and is thin with huge round breasts **
[From Cindy Brady]: Pull it out!  Let me see it.
** IM2K4U2C pulls out the jombee!()_*()(&*^&$^&())_&(*^R#%^# **
[From IM2K4U2C]: Man, it's so soft.  Make it harder, WOMAN.
[From Cindy Brady]: How about if I rub it.
[From IM2K4U2C]: Rub?  BAH!  SUCK SUCK SUCK GIRL SUCK.
** Cindy Brady wraps her lips around IM2K4U2C's penis **
[From IM2K4U2C]: You call that a suck!?  I've had better sucks from vacuums.
[From Cindy Brady]: Mmmm!  You taste so good.
[From IM2K4U2C]: Minty Fresh?
[From Cindy Brady]: Uh huh!!
[From IM2K4U2C]: This sucking just isnt' doing the job for me.  Maybe you're
        just no good at it.  I say we jump straight the the humping like
        dogs part.  whatdoyousay?
[From Cindy Brady]: Ok..
** Cindy Brady pulls her cloths off and you see her perfectly shaped body **
[From IM2K4U2C]: My, aren't we a bit flattering of ourselves?
** IM2K4U2C prepares to R4M CB like the b1tch that she is butt, **
** IM2K4U2C sees that she is all dirty.  ICK!  Do you deuch?!  GET AWAY! **
** IM2K4U2C has left this channel **

=-=-=================================[End]================================-=-=


     Did I wuss out?  I hope n0t.  I just wanted to see exactly what this
sort of thing consisted of.  I guess this happens on the IRC a lot too.  Uhh,
yeah whatever.  Call me a prude, but a whole bunch of un-original sexual
lines and Generic Action statements don't do it for me.  Call me a
traditionalist, but I really just get turned on by the real thing.  Hey
Cindy, you're a retard.  Get on with your life.

______________________________________________________________________________


Theory #3- "Chat Role Playing Games are pathetic."


|-=-=------------------Official-HoE-Research-Data-Start!------------------=-=-|


You are in SkullHead's Private Channel.  SkullHead,  Racer-X, Rob Grentz, and
Dingle Bop are here with you.
Channel Topic: SkullHead's Shadowrun RPG
[From IM2K4U2C]: YES@!@ LET ME PLAY YOUR ROLEPLAYNG GAME@!#@#!@
[From Rob Grentz]: Calm down man!!  Okay, you can play, just e-mail me a
        character.
[From IM2K4U2C]: You guys are that specific?  Can't i just uhmm.. like PLAY!@
[From Racer-X]: No.  We have rules and character limits.
[From IM2K4U2C]: That's WEAK.  Lemme PLAY!@!#!@
[From Rob Grentz]: Sorry, it's not hard.  Are you familiar with Shadowrun?
[From IM2K4U2C]: uhmm.. YEAH YEAH@!@@! LEMME PLAY@!@#!
[From Dingle Bop (to Rob Grentz)]: Kick him out, he's only here to annoy us.
[From IM2K4U2C]: HEY DINGLE PHAG FUCK YOU I WANNA PLAY!@!#@@! GIMME GIMME@!@
[From Rob Grentz]: Send me a character and you can play.
[From IM2K4U2C]: FUCK!@# I CANNOT PLAY THEN.  I WILL WATCH YOU PLAY@#!@
[From Rob Grentz]: Sure.  
[From Rob Grentz]: Okay guys, the Mercenary Elf pulls out a large gun of
        some unknown materials.  He starts firing.  Roll to dodge.
[From IM2K4U2C]: GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY#@$#@ RUN FOR COVER@#!@#@
** You have been kicked out of SkullHead's room **
** You are not invited to SkullHead's room **

=-=-=================================[End]================================-=-=

     Okay, so I didn't get to experience too much of the game.  Well,
fuckdammit THEY ARE PATHETIC.  I don't need a Chat board room to tell me
that.  Those guys just sit there in a little clump for like 10 hours straight
talking about mega-damage and killing a little wombat with a sword.  Come on
boys - can we honestly not find anything more productive than this?  Are you
planning to become one of those guys that still play these games every day at
thirty years old?  There comes a point where you are just going to get made
fun of because those games are ultimately *KID'S* games.  Wake up and smell
the Vivarin (Mogel Joke).  People will eventually begin to look at you like
the retards that were forced to work at McDonalds from Affirmative Action and
either laugh at you or pity you.  Either way it sucks, the games are
pathetic, GO OUT SIDE AND FIND A GIRL.

______________________________________________________________________________


Theory #4- "All MajorBBS SysOps have an insecurity complex."
                                   *OR* 
           "The theory that Mogel MADE me write after I finished this file."


|-=-=------------------Official-HoE-Research-Data-Start!------------------=-=-|

You are in the Main Channel of the Teleconfrence.  Twinkie, Grace, Big John,
Mr. Football, Leather 'n Chains, and Lucky Chucky are here with you.
[From Twinkie]: hey im23123tcawe23..
[From IM2K4U2C]: Yeah, like I was here a few days ago and you were here.
[From Twinkie]: yeah, i remember you..
[From IM2K4U2C]: Heh, I'm paging the SysOp at the Console.  This will be fun.
        I know he's around.  That l0zZzer
[From Lucky Chucky]: What do you need?  I am a moderator.
[From IM2K4U2C]: I need a bowl of French Onion soup.  Got one?
[From Twinkie]: WOW.. I'm drinking beef chunky..
[From IM2K4U2C]: uhmm..that's such an amazing coincidence!  Shut up
[From Twinkie]: ...bite....me....
[From Lucky Chucky]: I'm sorry, I can't help you with that.
[From Grace (to Twinkie)]: I'm drinking Chunky Chucky.. er.. I mean Lucky..
[From Big John (to Twinkie)]: I can't wait till tonight.  I'm gonna get so
        loaded..
[From IM2K4U2C (to Big John)]: Drugs?  What kind?
[From Big John (to IM2K4U2C)]: pot...heroin...
[From IM2K4U2C]: Oh.  Interesting.  Why are you telling us this?
[From Big John]: The same universal answer as I always give - why not?
[From IM2K4U2C]: Not bad.  It's not like people actually do have progressive
        conversations in here.  I wonder if the maker of MBBS Software had in
        mind people having deep, furfilling debates or if he thought this
[From IM2K4U2C]: was what it was gonna be used for
[From Big John]: Most Programmers have no sense of what people are like, so
        I'd put my money on the former.
[From IM2K4U2C]: Hey! I resent that.  I'm a programmer, and I don't spend
        massive hyper-amounts of time on my computer, unless I'm capturing
        conversations on a chat board to use in some silly t-file
[From Big John]: Oh, I'm a programmer too.  I'm just kidding.
[From IM2K4U2C]: So if we're both programmers, why are we wasting our time
        here?
[From Big John]: Maybe because we both like to waste our time in the most
        pathetic of ways?
[From IM2K4U2C]: Sounds good to me
** SysOp has just joined this Channel **
[From IM2K4U2C]: SySoP@#!@#!@#!@#!@##!@#@!#@
[From Twinkie]: Hey SysOp!
[From Lucky Chucky]: Hey Joe
[From SysOp (to IM2K4U2C)]: You paged me?
[From IM2K4U2C (to SysOp)]: YEAH.  I was wondering how long your penis is.
        I have a really big penis insecurity complex and I want to see if
        yours is bigger or not.
[From Twinkie]: heheheheheheehehehehe
** Big John is Rolling on the Floor Laughing Hysterically at IM2K4U2C **
[From SysOp (to IM2K4U2C)]: That sort of discussion is inappropriate for this
        BBS.  Please stop it.
[From IM2K4U2C (to SysOp)]: Huh?  What are you talking about?  Your penis
        can't be discussed?
[From SysOp (to IM2K4U2C)]: Sexual or Adult Language is not allowed on the
        main channel.
[From IM2K4U2C (to SysOp)]: That wasn't sexual or anything.  All guys have
        penis's.  Even guys that don't have sex have them.
[From SysOp (to IM2K4U2C)]: You know exactly what's wrong with that
        statement, let's not play games.
[From IM2K4U2C (to SysOp)]: Why can't we talk about penis length?
[From SysOp (to IM2K4U2C)]: You're welcome to discuss it on your private
        channel.
[From IM2K4U2C (to SysOp)]: Are you worried that some kiddie's mommie is
        going to see the word 'penis' on his computer screen as she walks in
        to tell him it's dinner time or something?
[From SysOp (to IM2K4U2C)]: If you don't want to follow the rules then leave.
[From IM2K4U2C (to SysOp)]: Wow.  How did you successfully pull off not
        responding to my question??  That was neat.  Look, let's do an age
        tally here.... I'm 18 years old.  How about the rest of you?
[From Twinkie]: I'm 15.
[From Lucky Chucky (to IM2K4U2C)]: 23...
[Leather 'n Chains]: 19
[Mr. Football]: 16.
[From IM2K4U2C (to SysOp)]: See, now except for Grace, who appears to be
        brain dead or afk, we're all over 13.  That means that PG-13 stuff
        like the word 'penis' are okay.  Dig?
[From SysOp (to IM2K4U2C)]: We have established rules here that we want you
        to follow.  If you continue to disrespect them then I'll have to do
        something about it.  DIG?!
[From IM2K4U2C (to SysOp)]: Like what? 
[From IM2K4U2C (to SysOp)]: Established rules huh?  How about we BREAK the
        establishment?!  NEW WORLD ORDER!  MAJORBBS FREEDOM FOR ALL!
[From SysOp (to IM2K4U2C)]: Suspend your access.  Delete you.  Moof you.
[From IM2K4U2C]: I don't think our poor SysOp gets the real point here.  This
        doesn't matter one hill of beans to me.  There's a million chat
        boards.  Even id I was addicted to them then I'd just telnet to
[From IM2K4U2C]: another.  Not a problem.  I really don't care.
** The Youngest One in Curls **
[From Cindy Brady]: hi all.
[From SysOp (to IM2K4U2C)]: If you don't care, then leave.  No one is holding
        you back.
** Twinkie holds IM2k42uc back **
[From IM2K4U2C]: Macro bombs are gay.
[From IM2K4U2C]: I HAVE A BIG FUCKING MACKADACIOUS PENIS THAT WANTS TO SLIP
        INTO J0E MAMMA'S BIG PHAT MOUTH WITH CUM AND OTHER SEXUAL LANGUAGE
        JAMMIN' INTO HER KUNT WITH ALL FIVE OF HER CHILDREN WATCHING!@@!@#1
[From IM2K4U2C]: I HAVE A BIG FUCKING MACKADACIOUS PENIS THAT WANTS TO SLIP
        INTO J0E MAMMA'S BIG PHAT MOUTH WITH CUM AND OTHER SEXUAL LANGUAGE
        JAMMIN' INTO HER KUNT WITH ALL FIVE OF HER CHILDREN WATCHING!@@!@#1
[From IM2K4U2C]: I HAVE A BIG FUCKING MACKADACIOUS PENIS THAT WANTS TO SLIP
        INTO J0E MAMMA'S BIG PHAT MOUTH WITH CUM AND OTHER SEXUAL LANGUAGE
        JAMMIN' INTO HER KUNT WITH ALL FIVE OF HER CHILDREN WATCHING!@@!@#1
[From Cindy Brady]: hehehe..
[From IM2K4U2C]: I HAVE A BIG FUCKING MACKADACIOUS PENIS THAT WANTS TO SLIP
        INTO J0E MAMMA'S BIG PHAT MOUTH WITH CUM AND OTHER SEXUAL LANGUAGE
        JAMMIN' INTO HER KUNT WITH ALL F-vDF4%@#$%rfRV RcGFYTry667
6h6%?$
   7Ythghd%^
NO CARRIER

|=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=|
|    _____      Call Goat Blowers Anonymous for the LATEST HOE!      _____    |
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|=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=|
 Copyright (c) 1995 HoE Publications and IM2K4U2C.              #74 --> 5/1/95
 All rights Reserved.
