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|                         Really ELiTE Doodz Prezent :                       |
|                               RED-015.TXT aka                              |
|                    "Frequently Asked Questions About ReD"                  |
|                             By : Black Francis                             |
:                      "Better Living Through Stupidity."                    :
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*** Interview with Black Francis - Conducted on 01/05/95 by Phil McKraken ***

WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!

P: "Hello, Francis.  Uhm.  Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you happy
   to see me?"
B: "Huh?  Oh!  That.  That's a banana.  I've been saving that since lunch.
   Lemme get rid of that."

P: "Let me start by asking; why did you start yet another t-file group?"
B: "The idea came to me one night while on a wicked NyQuil high.  Well, uhm,
   that's all I remember.  Next thing I know, blam, I'm supposed to be the
   president of some stupid ass text-file group."

P: "How does ReD come up with all these ideas?  They're great!"
B: "All lies in our weekly circle jerk brain-storming sessions.  We got the
   idea from a small local group called SoP.  Except, they have them daily."

P: "Where do you find all of these writers?"
B: "Uh.  I don't.  I'm actually every single one of them.  Don't tell anyone,
   though."

P: "What's your favorite ReD file?"
B: "The unreleased one that's based entirely on my ass.  It was never released
   because it was just too big.  A text file over two megs is just a real
   bitch to upload everywhere."

P: "When did you start using computers?"
B: "Well, uhm.. I didn't really think you knew about that.  I started with
   toasters.  I started by sticking my penis in one of the slots, and then
   usually I'd switch it on to the pastry setting.. ooohhh, yes."
P: "No.  I mean, when did you start using computers as-in when did you start
   programming and writing with them and things like that."
B: "Oh!  Oh boy.  Damn, is my face red!  Anyway, I think when I was around six
   or something.  I was the best damn logo programmer on the block."
   
P: "What were some of the other names that you considered while thinking of a
   name for this new t-file group?"
B: "Well, I took a strong liking to 'The Hemmorhoidal Geese', but there was
   a lot of confusion with The Humble Guys and my group.  You know.  So, then
   I switched it to RiSC, standing for 'Really Idiotic Stupid Cunts', but,
   you know, there was that immediate association with the courier group."

P: "What are your future plans with ReD?"
B: "I was thinking, maybe, once we get popular and wide-spread enough, we
   could start small by killing off babies, and then move our way up to just
   slaughtering everything in general.  Eventually, I'm thinking something
   along the lines of a total apocolypse.  Or something like that."

P: "How can someone write for ReD?"
B: "Well, by forming words from a combination of letters, you can write 
   sentences.  If you put enough sentences together, then it makes a 
   paragraph.  A few paragraphs can make up a piece of fiction.  Uhm, they're
   basically my only requirements.  We had a bunch of monkeys with type-
   writers writing for us for a while, but they keep shitting on the carpet.
   We're not very selective."

P: "How can someone run a ReD distribution position?"
B: "You have to be, like, rreeaallyy elite.  You have to have -2 to -1 month
   warez.  At LEAST 15 gigs, and, thirteen nodes of 28.8 modems.  Uhm.  That's
   about it."

P: "Where did you get the name for your BBS, Goat Blowers Anonymous?"
B: "Well, I believe that beastiality advocates need a place to hang out, too,
   so, I decided that it was a step in the right direction.  We've helped
   many goat blowers get back on their feet."
   
P: "Would you like to touch my monkey?"
B: "Sure!"

P: "Why must you be like that?  Why must you chase the cat?"
B: "Nuthin' but da dawg in me."

P: "If you had a hammer, when exactly would you hammer?"
B: "I'd hammer in the evening."
 
P: "If you were straned on a deserted island, would you choose asprin or
   Tylenol Gelcaps(c)?"
B: "Nine out of ten doctors choose Tylenol Gelcaps(c)... but I don't give
   a shit.  Whatever will make me drowsy is cool."

P: "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
B: "Well, see, that's a tough one.  It really all depends on the woodchuck.  
   I've seen some woodchucks that could chuck all night, y'know?"

P: "What ever happened with those sodomy charges?"
B: "Hey, man!  I told you not to bring them up!  Ok, asshole?!"
P: "Sorry, I just thought since that's a frequently asked question.."
B: "Well who told you to think, asshole?!  Just ask the questions!"

P: "Explain in five words or less why I should give you this cookie."
B: "Uhm, uh, because... Uhm, I really... uhm, uh... want the cookie."
P: "Sorry, too many words."
B: "Damnit!"

P: "Ok.  I want to thank you for being patient and helping me through this
   interview.  It was actually my first pleasant interview to conduct."
B: "Oh.  I guess I should put my pants back on then, right?"
P: "Yep."

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         ! Copyright (c) Black Francis and ReaLLY 3LiT3 d00Dz! 1995 !
          ! All rights reserved, but two wrongs don't make a right !

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