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 $$$        [ HOE E-Zine #990 -- 12/25/99 -- http://www.hoe.nu ]     .,$$$
 `"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'

	i was seeing a university counselor today.  my last shrink and i
 parted ways a couple of months when we had a disagreement as to the
 medicinal value of alcohol and cocaine.  the university counselor
 informed me that i was highly erratic in my moods, unusually vindictive,
 and had issues with women.  if she had told me i had dark hair and green
 eyes and that my favourite band was pavement, she would have succeeded in
 telling me *all* the things i already knew about myself.  and it occurred
 to me how terribly uninteresting it is to be told things you already
 know.  that is why i am offering this list of things that are already
 widely know and uncontroversial that should not be addressed again in
 another lame file.

 1)  SCOOBY DOO IS ABOUT DRUGS TEE HEE HEE.  yeah, no shit.  bunch of kids
     in the '70s in a van always hungry eating 'scooby snacks' blah blah
     blah.  that isn't a controversial view.  don't bother arguing.  it's
     like arguing a circle is round.  it just isn't interesting--it's
     dull. writing about it makes YOU a dull, bad person.  when the
     revolution comes, those who write about this shall surely be rounded
     up and tortured.

 2)  BOYS SUCK.  yes, we sure do.  most boys will just fuck you over and
     leave you.  yup.  it's natural selection, our ascent from the apes
     failed to remove some instincts.  call it survival--girls you fail to
     fuck over make you regret it later, at the first real opportunity.  
     everybody knows that if you liked NICE guys, you wouldn't get fucked
     over so much.  but you don't.  which is fine-like who you like.  
     just don't come crying later.  it's a given--boys suck.

 3)  GIRLS SUCK.  yup.  how do you know a girl is lying?  she is
     communicating with you. read the old testament, one of the creatures
     (sarah, ruth, one of them) lied to GOD and got away with it.  you
     think your girl won't pull a few fast ones on you?  girls always
     *say* they want a nice guy.  guess what?  it's another lie. everybody
     knows this by now.  sometimes everybody forgets this though, and they
     suffer.  then, too often, they make OTHERS suffer by writing about
     it.  if you are with a girl right now, odds are good you will be
     bitter and defeated within 6 months, unless you make her bitter and
     defeated first.  if you succeed in being happy, now there's a topic
     for a file.  man bites dog....

 4)  PEOPLE ARE DUMB.  yes, they sure are. morons.  they like the wrong
     things.  they wear dumb clothes.  they say dumb things, and make dumb
     judgments.  but on the other hand, you still have a pathetic,
     sniveling need to be liked by them if you take their stupidity so
     personally.  this isn't to say that specific acts of stupidity
     shouldn't be documented or mocked--just that to argue that people, on
     the whole, are dumb is, again, like arguing that a dog is a mammal.

 5)  YOU HATE YOUR ROOMMATE.  again, duh.  everybody does.  roommates are
     people and therefore morons.  if you're a girl, you hate your
     roommate because she is prettier than you and people pay attention to
     her instead of you thus defeating your juvenile need to always be the
     centre of attention.  if you are a boy, your roommate is a cock,
     defined as somebody who gets more pussy than you.  in either case,
     their taste in music will suck and they will exude an odd odor.  
     i've been lucky i have to admit in having murmur, mogel and neko as
     roommates at points when we had similar tastes in music and were
     getting comparable amounts of pussy.  finding a roommate like that,
     with whom you get along, again, is notable and worthy of being
     chronicled.

	files about not getting enough sex are probably still okay, since
 that is a serious and universal problem for everybody except your most
 recent ex, who is invariably getting it every day of the week and twice
 on most days.

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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!               HOE #990, BY ZAFF - 12/25/99 ]
