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   ooooo   ooooo  .oooooo.  oooooooooooo       HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #628
   `888'   `888' d8P'  `Y8b `888'     `8
    888     888 888      888 888                    "HOE Warzzz"
    888ooooo888 888      888 888oooo8
    888     888 888      888 888    "                by RottenZ
    888     888 `88b    d88' 888       o               5/9/99
   o888o   o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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        Did you know that there is a new Star Wars film coming out?  There
 is!  On May 19th, be prepared to use the force as film genius George
 "American Graffiti" Lucas unleases The Phantom Menace on an unsupsecting
 public!  Until then, I've written a helpful and informative guide to let
 you, the reader, get to know some of the new (and old!!!) characters.  I've
 done this by comparing them to HoE/#e-zine personalities, so that maybe
 you'll have a better understanding of where these dynamic and often deep
 characters are coming from!

        Qui-Gon Jinn (pronounced Kwai-Gon):  This masterful jedi has both
 the skill and wisdom to teach his young pupil Obiwan Kenobi the ways of the
 force!  But will he be able to help Queen Amadalia and the Senate overcome
 the menacing Trade Federation?  Qui-Gon Jinn, of course, is reminiscant of
 NO ONE, because NO ONE is a hero in any of the above categories.  Most of
 us are sniveling jerks who are so bloated with self import that it's a
 wonder we don't pop!  Qui-Gon has given up his life to train for a cause
 that he purely believes in.  Which one of us would do that?  I'll tell you
 who.  NO ONE.

        Obiwan Kenobi: A young jedi faced with a puzzling future.  Should he
 take this boy, Anakin under his wing and train the lad himself, or should
 he complete his own training and turn him over to someone much wiser?  But
 wait!  He needs to survive this menacing battle with the new Darth Sideous
 first, doesn't he?  I believe that I myself most fit the mold of Obiwan.
 I'm young, brash, not trained or honed, and enjoy trying to subvert young
 boys to my powerful will, only to have them turn on me at a later time,
 striking me down, only making me stronger.  Also, I'm a very sexy young
 man, as is Ewan McGregor, so... there you go.

        Anakin Skywalker:  Ah, poor Anakin.  The force is strong with him,
 but this cute little 9 year old boy is doomed with a destiny so dark that
 it overshadows the burning sun.  Perhaps if Obiwan weren't so foolish he
 would turn out to be a great savior of the force.  Under the careful
 guidance of Jedi Master Yoda, he could lead in a new age of glory to the
 galaxy.  Sadly, we all know that this is not to be.

        The role of Anakin is played by Quarex.  He's cute enough, sure, and
 maybe even a bit funny, and he seems harmless, although you can see flashes
 of brilliance within him.  One day soon, however, he will finally find that
 one corrupting influence, and all hell will break loose.  He already looks
 about as attractive as Darth Vader, so once he concentraits his powers on
 good instead of evil, he'll probably control the galaxy AND crush windpipes
 with his mind, or the possible equivilent thereof.

        Queen Amadalia:  A young, beautiful queen, caught up in the struggle
 of her life.  Her empire is falling victim to the viscious Trade
 Federation, and all that she has been set to lead is crumbling around her.
 All she has to help her is a few scant jedi and a mysterious boy who will
 one day become the most evil creature in the world.

        Meenk reminds me of the young queen, since she's the member of HoE
 who, in their picture, was wearing the most make up.  The young queen often
 dresses oddly and wears too much make up, and so does Meenk.  The young
 queen also often notices profound insights in the smoke of her cigarette.

        Jar-Jar Binks:  Ah Jar-Jar, the poor gungan who's been kicked off of
 Naboo for being the very clumsiest of his rabbit-frog species.  When he
 joins up with a couple of jedi in a quest to save the galaxy, zany antics
 are sure to insue!

        Jar-Jar = Swisspope.  He's clumsy, has floppy parts, and is
 generally the lovable outcast.  Whenever he's around, some sort of
 hilarious, zany antic will be sure to occur.  And he's also very fucking
 annoying.

        Senator Palpatine:  You know and love him as The Emporer, dreaded
 leader of the Empire.  But back in "the day", Palpatine was just one of
 those smiling gladhands that slowly let the galaxy get plunged into war
 after war, all the while setting himself up to take over and become an
 ugly, ugly old man sitting in a very high backed chair.

        Clearly, Palpatine should be played by Crank/Lifelike.  Right now,
 there are only subtle hints of the unmitigated, twisted evil that is to
 come, and she, together with Quarex,  will soon move to take over
 everything, molding it in their own dark images.

        Mace Windu:  One of the heads of the jedi council was created purely
 so Samuel L. Jackson could have a part in it.  He's loud, he's black, and
 he's one tough jedi son of a bitch.  He is wise and will kick your ass.

        Mogel is just like Mace Windu.  As our leader of HoE, he created it
 purely so he could get laid.  He's loud, he's black, and he's one tough
 jedi son of a bitch.

        Yoda:  A little muppet with a man's hand up his butt.  He's also the
 wisest character on the whole planet of Corescunt.  Everyone knows Yoda.
 Everyone knows Yoda is wise.

        Kyusaku/Shadow Tao is Yoda.  He always despenses cryptic wisdom.  He
 is green.  And he is more than likely made of plastic.

        Darth Maul is the the funky looking guy that isn't in the movie as
 much as you thought he would be.  He kicks some Qui-Gon and Obiwan ass for
 the Trade Federation and the evil Darth Sideous.

        In the HOE version of the movie, Darth Maul would be played by TPP,
 since he strikes quickly and visciously.  The problem here is that Maul
 seems to be at least somewhat wise and skilled, and TPP is none of those
 things.  So I'll give Darth Maul to Aster, as he parlays a sort of
 "controlled chaos" that only 6 year old girl can emulate.

        Darth Sideous is seemingly the "man behind it all".  Evil to the
 core, with a strange similarity to Senator Palpatine.  Is he the head of
 the dangerous Trade Federation?  IS HE SENATOR PALPATINE?  One thing is for
 sure, he is working against the Jedi and wants to bring them all DOWN!
 Once again, see Crank.  Or Drew.  Basically, Darth Sideous is a
 Crank/Quarex half-breed.

        CP30 and R2-D2:  Everyone knows of these lovable droids!  They're
 in all the movies!  Jamesy and AIDS are these two, since they're annoying,
 overly whiny, and, most importantly, clearly gay.

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 [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!    HOE #628 - WRITTEN BY: ROTTENZ - 5/9/99 ]
