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                         Underground eXperts United

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         [  The Driving Test  ]                      [  By The GNN  ]


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                              "THE DRIVING TEST"
                       by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu



The old man in the passenger seat looked at me and wondered if I was not
going to put on the seat belt. I explained that I was not going to wear that
silly belt even if it was the last thing I ever did. Then I pulled in the
reverse and sped out of the parking lot. When we reached the city I made
sure that the speed did not drop below 100 mph.
    The old man thought it was the devil himself that drove the damn car,
but it was only me. Now and then I covered my eyes with both my hands and
yelled "Look! No hands!"  I tried to hit an oncoming car, but the lame
driver in it turned to the right and crashed into a shopping window instead.
I sighed and decided not to stop for a red light. We missed a police car
by two inches and the old man puked in his lap. I sure hoped he did not soil
my driving license that he had his portfolio.
   After a while I demanded that the man would give me a bag that I had
placed in the back seat. He refused and begged me to stop, so I had to
cover my eyes again.
   "Give me the bag, la la la, give me the bag, la la la!" I sang while
pressing the pedal to the metal.
   We managed to reach 120 mph before the old man quickly hurled himself to
the back seat and grabbed the bag. When I got it, I opened it and revealed a
huge bottle of fine swedish vodka. I gulped down several ounces of the
strong liquid. Then I turned to the old man and offered him some. He said
no. How childish.
   "You see," I said, "I drive much better when I'm drunk."
   "Oh, really?" he replied with fear in his eyes.
   We had been on the road for ten minutes and I figured that it was time
for a smoke. I controlled the car with my knees as I rolled me a fine joint.
   "Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?" I said and laughed.
   The old man did not laugh.
   "Oh, I see that you prefer pills!" I said when he threw over a dozen of
them into his mouth. "My heart..." he gasped.
   "No need to worry my friend," I said, "This will be over soon."
   As I had expected, two police cars began to chase us. The streets were
pretty crowded with cars, so I had to drive on the sidewalk. We trashed
several mail boxes, news paper stands and phone booths. The lame police men
obviously could not take the heat because they crashed after just a couple
of minutes. What a drag.
   Now it was time for the Grand Finale. I left the streets and entered a
shopping center with the car. Customers threw themselves to the sides,
shelves and products flew in all directions. When everything seemed to be
completely destroyed, I left the place through a window.
   The time was up, so I returned to the driving school and parked the car.
   "Did I pass?" I asked.
   The old man stared at me as if I was some kind of maniac.
   "WHAT? HOW THE HELL CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!?" he screamed. "OF COURSE YOU
DID NOT PASS! MY GOD, I HAVE NEVER EVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE EXPERIENCED... SUCH
AN EXPERIENCE! GET OUT OF THE CAR! GO AWAY! I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!"
   "I failed?"
   "YES! YES! YES! OUT! OUT!"
   I stepped out. The old man crawled out of the car and tore the portfolio
to pieces, while humming some old tune. My driving license fell to the
ground. The old man picked it up and was about to rip it in half when I
asked: "So, what time next week?"
   "WHAT?"
   "Next week. I'll come back next week and try again. What time?"
   The man became silent. His mouth opened and his tongue fell out. Drool
dripped over his shirt. Then he handed me the license and begged me not
to come back again. With joy in my heart, I returned home to tell mom that
I passed the test, and that I was now to be considered a mature and safe
driver.




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 uXu #274              Underground eXperts United 1995              uXu #274
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