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                        "/<34|_|_-<   3|_i+3   />00/>Z"
                            Kinda Proudly Present:
                               RED-002.TXT aka                      
                      "Why I Started Such an ELiTE Group" 
                   By that Sultan of Sexiness, Black Francis. 

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   Uh-huh.  Yeah, that's right.. I run ReD.  You know.. ReD.  Uh.. c'mon,
you know.  Really ELiTE d00dz?  Uhm, damnit.  Oh well.  Ok.  I guess it seems
pretty stupid to start another ripoff "lit" group, but, I am stupid, so I
have all the reason in the world to go for the gusto.  Throw caution into the
wind.  Wear sand paper underwear.  Jump on a bicycle with no seat.  You get 
the idea, I'm sure.  I've always liked to write, but I kinda put it on hiatus
for a while when I hit about 15 because, to put it truthfully, I ran out of
good ideas.  I'm sure some of you will agree with me when you see RED-003, 
"Them Damn Mentos Commercials!".  Hehe.  I also was on a "modem hiatus" for
a few years.  When I came back, I fumbled through your basic shareware boards
for a while, and then the elite boards, and now I try to stay away from all
of the above.  Soooo.. I call a board which is basically t-files (Quick!  Hide
the kids!  It's a Mogel-Land plug!), and I see everyone talking about all
the nifty, ginchy, crazy, kookie text files they have online, so I go and
leech some.  Once I take a gander at them (some good, some sucking the 
slimiest moose balls you've ever seen) and somehow, without notice, I got the
urge to write again.  This time instead of brainstorming for hours, I go into
the ol' DOS editor and begin pounding on the keys, babbling about anything 
that comes to mind.  First, I wrote my article "The Plot to Kill Good Music"
and uploaded it to the head of a "lit" group.  He liked it, but didn't like 
it (uh-huh).. or something like that.  Regardless, there I am with my little
text file and nobody to show it to.  Then, the idea hits me. 
   
   "Hey.  I'm pretty k-rad.  I bet *I* could start a kewl t-file group, too!
Then, all the chicks will dig me!  I'll be a sweaty pulsating stud!  Whee!"
   
   After juggling around some nifty names, I decided upon something that..
would sum me up.. and sum up the group.. and make an ass out of me at the 
same time.  A-ha!  Really 3|_i+3 d00dz!  Whee again!  Now, we're on our
second file, and I'm having a veritable barrel-'o-smelly primates!  Whee to
the third power!  Now, I'm the envy of my peers.  I'm the first on *MY* 
block to start a k-rad t-file group!
   
   I'd bet my left nut your saying to yourself, "Why golly, that sounds like
a whoot.  I wonder how *I* could start a t-file group, too."
   
   Have no fear, Spunky.  I'd be glad to tell you how.  As a matter of fact,
it makes my nipples boil with excitement just thinking about it.  So, without
further adue, here goes:
   
   1) Brush up on your eliteness.  I suggest the following k-rad exercises 
(please consult your doctor first):
      a) Try reading those damn ascii BBS ads that you get with warez.  
         They'll help strenghten your eyes *AND* your ELiTE typing skills.
      b) Use phrases such as "That's kewl.", "Where's the warez?", "I'm no   
         lamer, d00d!", "I'm ELiTE!", and "I hate feds! (or) Microsoft sux!"
         as much as you can.  If possible, use them in everyday conversations.
         Here's an example:

MOM : "Hi Timmy, how was school today?"
YOU : "It was kewl, mom!"
MOM : "We're having pizza for dinner tonight."
YOU : "Kewl.  I'm no lamer, d00d!"
MOM : "I'm sure you're not, son.  Would you like a snack first?"
YOU : "Where's the warez?"
MOM : "Sorry, I only got vanilla wafers and the market.  I'll get some next 
      time."
YOU : "Microsoft sux!"
MOM : "Excuse me?"
YOU : "I'm ELiTE!"
MOM : "Sure, honey.  I think your dad wants to talk to you."
         
         See?  Do that enough and you'll have it down to a science.
   2) Learn how to spell.
   3) Come up with a k-rad name!  This is the fun part!  Being the nice guy I
      am, I've come up with a simple chart to help you out.  First, pick a
      word out of row A, then row B, then row C, and there you go!  

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COLUMN A                   | COLUMN B        | COLUMN C
--------                   | --------        | --------
Totally                    | Elite           | Morons
Psychotic                  | Rad             | Wah!
Moronic                    | K-Rad           | Stupid-Asses
Retarded                   | Stinky, Sweaty  | Dudes
Fucking Stupid as all Hell | Eeny!           | Guys
Primordial                 | Fuckin'         | Fellars
Bad                        | Necrophiliac    | Ameobas
Ooney!                     | Stupid          | Hairballs
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* REMEMBER! *  Insulting yourself and cursing until you're blue in the face is
*GOOD*, and makes your new group *THAT* much more ELiTE!
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   Here are some examples of the nifty names you can come up with using no
intuition at all:

Totally Elite Morons - TeM (Wow!  The ELiTEness is overwhelming!)
Bad Rad Dudes - BRD (Nifty-o-rama!)
Retarded K-Rad Guys - RKG (It's so k-rad, it hurts!)
Fucking Stupid as all Hell Fuckin' Stupid-Asses - FSAAHFSA (Uhm..KEWL!)
Primordial Necrophilic Ameobas - PNA (So ELiTE, it's banned in 34 states!)
Ooeny!  Eeny!  Wah! - OEW (I dunno, but it must be rad!)
Psychotic Stupid Hairballs - PSH (Lemme be a distro. site!  Kewl!) 
   
   The possibilities are virtually endless!  Take what I've given you and run
with it.  The above was only a sampling.  But remember, try to insult yourself
and use curses as much as you possibly can.  It's the ELiTE thing to do.  
   
   Now, your group is ready to go.  Next step is to get as many distro. sites
and headquarters as you can, because that's really k-rad.  Go for every 
single distro. site you can get, which is usually extremely easy to do (this 
is because the more k-rad affils a BBS has, the more ELiTE it is!  Here's a
simple formula to remember.. see if your feeble mind can fathom this: ELiTE =
Good!).  You'll also need headquarters, which are the same as distro. sites,
but they have cooler names.  For example, here are some headquarter ideas:
   
   1) World Headquarter
   2) Eastern and western Headquarters
   3) U.S. Headquarters 
   4) Intergalactic Headquarters
   5) Guam Headquarters
   6) Mass Canned Cheese Production Headquarters
   7) Underwater Headquarters
   8) A Headquarters for every latitude
   9) A Headquarters for every longitude
  10) East Bumblefuck Headquarters
  11) Pants Headquarters (don't ask)
  12) Under-A-Big-Shiny-Rock Headquarters
  
  See, the possibilties are endless if you just put your mind to it.  Now
that you know how to make your own k-rad t-files group, I'll let you go now
so you can get crackin' on your Toe Jam Headquarters.  Until next time,
stay kewl!!  Yuck yuck yuck!

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                 K-Rad Greets II : The Son of K-Rad Greets!
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Mogel     - Hope I didn't rip too much stuff off, I tried not to.
Archangel - Helmet here we come!  Whee!  Keep bagging those eggs, ass boy.
Dahmer    - What can I say?  I don't feel sorry for you.  You collected
            penises for crissakes.
Me        - I fucking rule.
KeG       - The most k-radiest, ELiTEest, cooliest, self-insultingist group
            out there.

Keep circulating the tapes.

Push the button, Frank.




















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