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***                            NutWorks                              ***
***                           ----------                             ***
***             The Inter-Net Virtual Magazine for Those             ***
***             Who Teeter  on the Precipice of Insanity             ***
***                                                                  ***
***  January, 1985. Issue #1, Volume I.     NutWorks is distributed  ***
***  monthly.  Brent CJ Britton (BRENT@MAINE) virtual Editor and     ***
***  Publisher.                                                      ***
***                                                                  ***
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              ==  A  B r i e f  E d i t o r i a l  ==
 
    As was mentioned in a previous correspondance, "NutWorks" is a
collection of essays, jokes, and other absolutely knee-slapping things.
An attempt is made to find original works, but some things may appear
that are either older than Moses's toes, or have flashed across every
terminal from here to Barsoom.  Repetition is very very good; maybe
you'll like them better this time around.
    Some of the articles located herein are unsigned in that I have
little or no idea who wrote them.  If you wrote something that gets
printed here, one would think you'd be happier about it than if you
were relaxing comfortably at poolside under the shade of Dolly Pardon's
rib cage.  But if you really don't like the fact that I used your
work, everyone will think you're a mindless jerk and never speak to
you again.
    Although it is not intended that the contents of "NutWorks" deal
strictly with computer related themes, it is inevitable that most of
the featured articles will, indeed, be computer related, for blatantly
obvious reasons.  The rest, of course, will deal with sex.
                               BB
 
                         ==============
 
 
 
 
 
            Sing this one to Michael Jackson's "Beat it"
 
 
    You're processing some words when your keyboard goes dead,
    Ten pages in the buffer, should have gone to bed,
    The system just crashed, but don't lose your head,
    Just BOOT IT, just BOOT IT.
 
    Better think fast, better do what you can,
    Read the manual or call your system man,
    Don't want to fall behind in the race with Japan,
    So BOOT IT,
 
    Get the system manager to
    BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,
    Even though you'd rather shoot it.
    Don't be upset, it's only some glitch.
    All that you do is flip a little switch.
    BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,
    Get right down and restitute it.
    Don't get excited, all is not lost.
    CP/M, UNIX or MS/DOS
    Just BOOT IT, boot it, boot it, boot it...
 
    You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two,
    The system says your jobs at the head of the queue,
    Right then the thing dies but you know what to do,
    BOOT IT.
 
    You always get so worried when the system runs slow,
    And when it finally crashes, man you feel so low,
    But computers make mistakes (they're only human you know)
    So BOOT IT,
 
    Call the local guru to
    BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,
    Go ahead re-institute it.
    If you're not lucky, get the book off the shelf,
    But if you are, it'll do it itself.
    BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,
    Then go find the guy who screwed it!
    Operating systems are built to bounce back,
    Whether it's a Cray or a Radio Shack.
 
    BOOT IT!     BOOT IT!
 
                         ==============
 
 
 
 
 
 
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    **     **        **       **    **     **   **  **          **
    **     *****     **       **    *****  ******    *****
    **     **        **       **    **     ** **         **     **
    ****** ******    **       **    ****** **  **   ***  **     **
    ****** ******    **       **    ****** **   **    ****
______________________________________________________________________
 
 
                      Interdepartmental Memo
                     From: Letters Department
                       To: Editorial Staff
                       Re: 'LETTERS' Column in Issue #1.
 
 To the Editors:
 I regret to inform you that there won't be much of a letters column
 in the first issue.  See, us fellas down here in the letters department,
 well, we're all kind of new at this whole business, and we're sorta
 having a little trouble with the actual formatting of the column.
 Jeff was designing a really nice layout for the column before he
 was exiled to Saskatchewan for that kiddy-porno thing.  And then I
 put a nice piece together, but it got eaten by the VAX.  Philippe
 thought it would be nice to use some pastel stripes, with rainbows,
 flowers and birds, so we spit on him and teased him about his
 eye-makeup.
    Clyde had an idea to make up our own letters, funny ones, and throw
 the real letters out, which is what he did, so now we don't have any.
    So you can plainly see that we had no choice but to 'borrow' some
letters from, as they say,'another magazine' in order to make the
deadline.  Here they are:
 
      Dear Sirs:
         I'd like to share with your readers an experience that
      I was recently fortunate to be part of.  I'm a well-figured
      gal (36-22-34), with hazel eyes and blonde hair that hangs
      down to my rear.  First of all, let me say that I'd never do
      anything to destroy my wonderful marriage of three years
      to my husband whom I'll call Zachary.
         But the honest, devoted little wife in me was quickly
      replaced by a hungry, crazed tigress when I encountered
      Hank (not his real name).
         I first met Hank at a vegetable & fruit store where I
      used to shop.  He worked in the cucumber section.  From the
      minute I first laid my eyes on him I knew that I'd want him to
 
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***********         OUTPUT TERMINATED BY OPERATOR          ************
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                           ==============
 
          Amazingly Mind-bogglingly Stupid Question #74932:
 
                "Is there a Roman numeral for zero?"
 
                           ==============
 
 
 
 
 
 
        A Few Really Neat Things to do to New CMS Users that
               Will Cause Them to Have a Lousy Day:
 
    -- Tell them you've written a program that sends no-header messages
       (which really doesn't) and then instruct them to use it to tell
       the operator to eat shit.
 
    -- When they're away from their terminal talking to a consultant,
       spool their virtual printer ROUTE WEIZMANN.
 
    -- Throw up on them.  (This one's a given).
 
    -- Say to them "You know, if you don't Flingle that Megablum
       of yours, you'll soon be without a virtual Quontis," and then
       leave the room.
 
    -- Tell them to be sure to put "IPL" commands in their Profile.
 
    -- When they're away from their terminal waiting for a Pascal
       printout, send a mail file to their Professor saying that
       his lousy class sucks the big wongo and (if you have time)
       that he himself isn't fit to lick the dust off of a
       Timex Sinclair.
 
    -- Tell them to be sure to set several PF Keys to "CP LOGOFF" (in
       case of emergencies, don'tcha know).
 
    -- Tell them that the Senior Job Controller just loves to joke
       around about his intestinal problems, and supply them with a
       good one-liner to send to him.
 
    -- When they are away from their terminal trying to figure out why
       their Pascal printout ended up somewhere on the other side
       of the Atlantic Ocean, type the following:
                   "NUCXLOAD CL3270 (ENDCMD"
       (This causes a clear-screen command to be issued upon every
       Carriage Return.  heh-heh)
 
                           ==============
 
           And Now, Another Not-So Famous Historical Quote,
                    For Your Reading Pleasure:
 
        "Don't fire 'till you see the backs of their heads!"
 
    ...orders given by Union General Sherman Tanque at the Battle
    of Cowards Creek, just before the most alarmingly humiliating
    defeat ever experienced by any army anywhere.
 
                           ==============
 
 
 
    Special Science Feature: All-Purpose METRIC Conversion Table.
 
         This chart will help to convert almost anything from the old
    system of measurement to the new.  To convert back, simply stand on
    your head when using this chart.
 
                       1 inch    =    2.4 centimeters
                1 snail eater    =    7.3 snail liters
             1 pack + 1 liter    =    1 liter of the pack
             5 parking meters    =    8.2 parking centimeters
                     10 cents    =    1 dime
              50,000 decibels    =    1 Twisted Sister concert
      Cost of 1 ear operation    =    Mega-bucks (see last entry)
                 1 Tidal Wave    =    47.92 Microwaves
                 64 kilobytes    =    Next to nothing
 
                           ==============
 
 
 
               Here you have it folks, the original...
 
                      Documentation Sex Quiz
 
 
 
               1. What are the fallopian tubes?
 
                  a. Bicycle tires
                  b. A subway in Italy
                  c. All of the above
 
                2. What is a urethra?
 
                  a. A female black singer
                  b. The opposite of myrethra
                  c. Something you hang on your door for Chrithmeth
 
                3. What is an ovary?
 
                   a. A book written by Flaubert
                   b. A passing grade at school
                   c. A famous WWII song
 
                4. What is fellatio?
 
                   a. A person who collects stamps
                   b. Mr. Hornblower's first name
                   c. A non-dairy whipped topping popular in Italy
 
                5. What is a testicle?
 
                   a. A test to see if you're ticklish
                   b. One of the two parts of the Bible
                   c. An octopus' arm
 
                6. What is cunnilingus?
 
                   a. A form of pasta
                   b. The language of love
                   c. An Irish airline
 
                7. What is a gonad?
 
                   a. A cheer for NAD high school
                   b. A person who wanders from place to place
                   c. A Moody Blues song
 
                8. What is a vulva?
 
                   a. A Swedish car
                   b. The punching bag in your throat
                   c. An engine part
 
                9. What is a seminal vesicle?
 
                   a. An indian boat
                   b. A priest's retreat
                   c. A discussion on the subject of veins and arteries
 
               12. What is a penis?
 
                   a. A salty snack you have with beer
                   b. A Charles Shultz comic strip
                   c. Liberace
 
 
 
                Boner Question:  What is an Anus?
 
                   a. Part of a famous black comedy team
                   b. A planet--home of Superman
                   c. A herbaceous plant
 
         Answers to these and many more thoroughly disgusting
         questions may, or may not appear in a future issue.
 
                           ==============
 
 
 
                        Coming Next Month In
                              NutWorks:
                      ------------------------
 
 
**  Will Florida sink into the Atlantic Ocean During Spring Break?
    Expert Geologist reveals all!
 
**  Words That Have No Definition:  What Do They Mean?
 
**  How to Get an 'A' in Advanced Operations Analysis Without Losing
    Your Virginity!
 
**  The Pains and Strains of Systems Management:  Former Sys. Man. tells
    it like it is!
 
**  Moment of Terror: 'I was taken aboard a flying saucer from Mars,
    impregnated, forced to perform unspeakable things with Bigfoot,
    found my husband had been attacked by a killer lobster, gave birth
    to snake-like, siamese twins with three eyes each, and won the lottery
    all in one day!'  Exclusive interview!!!
 
                                 =**=
 
    Next issue promices to be longer and utterly fascinating, sent
    in mid-February.  Send comments and contributions to BRENT@MAINE
 
         NutWorks Magazine  Issu#1, Vol. 1. January 1985
 
 
 
