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=   F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K.   =
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                         Fuckin' Tech Support
                         --------------------

     Tech support.  What a fuckin' joke.  Are there any fucking
requirements whatsoever for this job?  I can just imagine how the
interviews for these brainless positions go.

     "Can you read?"
     "Sorta"
     "Can you use a computer?"
     "Does a microwave count?"
     "Close enough.  When can you start?"

     Can anyone guess who I just got off the phone with?  Yup, fuckin' 
tech support.
     I was trying to set up a friend's computer to use the 'net.  Every
thing seemed to be set up correctly, but the software still failed to 
initialize the modem.
     After trying everything I could think of, I finally gave in and called
the ISPs technical support line. I was on hold for an hour and a half 
before the bastard finally answered.
     I told him what the problem was and he gave me some modem strings
to try, none of which worked.
     Actually, what he said went a little more like this:

Him: Are you at your computer?
Me:  Yes
Him: Ok, is Windows open?
Me:  Yes
Him: Ok, click on the Applications window and then double click on Notepad.
Me:  Is it ok if I just hit <ALT><F><O> type notepad and hit enter since
     I don't have an Applications window cuz I renamed it and deleted all
     the worthless files out of it?
Him: I guess so.
Me:  Next?
Him: type in C:\iexplore\modems2.ini (or something close to that)
Me:  Even though I'm using Netscape?
Him: Um, didn't you get Internet Explorer software with your account?
Me:  Yeah, it's in the trash beside the AOL software.
Him: Well maybe that's your problem.
Me:  Maybe so, but I guess we won't know until we get the damn logon program
     to work so I can sign on and find out, now will we?

     So anyway, I changed the damn modem string like 3 times and none of
them worked.
     "Your modem must be broken," was his brilliant summation.
     "Um...then why the hell does it work fine with other programs?"
     "Are you sure about that?" he asked.
     "Well, I suppose it could have been a drug induced hallucination,
except I don't do drugs."
     "I don't see how, if it's messed up."
     "What's your e-mail address?" I asked him.
     He told me and I signed onto a shell account via Windoze Terminal and
e-mailed him.

	"Does it look like it works, dumbass?"

     I could tell by the tone of his voice that he had received it.
     "Well if you can sign on, what's your problem?" he asked, snottily.
     "I can only sign onto a shell account and the people who own the 
account can barely use Windows 3.1, let alone Unix."
     "Well then you'll just have to call the company that made the modem."
     Then the fucker hung up on me.
     After signing onto my hotmail account via Lynx and e-mail bombing
the son-of-a-bitch, I dug out the manual for the modem.
     "What the fuck?" The fucking customer service line was long distance.
I dialed it, bitching all the time.
     "Best Data customer service. How may I help you?"
     "I need to talk to somebody in tech support and this is a long distance
call, so make it fast."
     Forty-five fucking minutes later some fucking Mexican answered the
phone. Not to sound racist, but I've never met a Mexican that could use a
computer. Then again, I'm from the mid-west, so that might explain it. But
anyway.
     I told him what the problem was and he actually figured out what was
wrong. After having me perform a test to confirm his hypothesis, he told me
he would have to send me some software to fix it.
     Not wanting to wait a week, I asked him if there was anywhere I could 
download it and he said no.
     After I got off the phone with him, I signed onto Lycos. (It seriously
sucks with Lynx, but I had no choice.)
     I did a quick search and soon found the program in question on one of
Best Data's competitor's web site.  I downloaded it in under 5 minutes and
soon had it up and running.
     Well, we were finally up and running albeit at a whopping 14.4 kbps,
so we decided to upgrade the modem as well. (I had already tripled the RAM
early that day.)
     They didn't have much money to spend, so I had them call all the
electronics stores in the county and check on 28.8 as well as 33.6 modems.
(The whole county has less than 20,000 people.)
     Only one even carried modems, and they didn't have any in stock. (These
are the same geniuses that sold us an 8 meg RAM simm in a Ziploc bag.)
     The brilliant gurus at Radio Shack informed us that nobody sold 28.8
modems anymore and that everybody used 56.6.
     I told him that if he could find an ISP within 100 miles of us that
used 56.6, then I'd show him a computer that could run Win95 quickly on 4
megs of RAM.  Once again I got hung up on.
     We eventually drove 100 miles to the nearest OfficeMax.  I asked the
stocker where the modems were and he went to the back to ask.
     In the meantime, I found the modems, grabbed a 33.6 and checked out
before he made it back.
     We eventually got everything up and running and now they're surfing the
net with the rest of the world.  (I was surprised that they even had an ISP
in a town of 350 people.)
     Anyway, let me close with a big fuck you to NetINS, Best Data, Radio
Shack, OfficeMax and the Spice Girls.
     And an especially big FUCK YOU to Packard Bell who just had a fucking
commercial on TV talking about how great their customer service is. It'd
better be fucking great since it's a fucking 900#.

-InVerse

inverse@atheist.com

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