
              ______       __       __  __          ______
             / __  /      /  \      \ \ \ \        / _\/_ \
            / /_/ /andom / /\ \ccess \ \_\ \umor  | |____| |
           / _  _/      / ____ \      \  __ \     \__ \____/
          / / \ \      / /    \ \      \ \ \ \     |_\____|
         /_/   \_\    /_/      \_\      \_\ \_\     |____|
         --------------------------------------------------
                   The Electronic Humor Magazine
         --------------------------------------------------
              Version  1    Release  5     June 1994
  
                        Editor: Dave Bealer

           Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved

                 Printed on 100% recycled electrons

          Random Access Humor is an irregular production of:

                     VaporWare Communications
                       32768 Infinite Loop
                  Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2
                 USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way


WARNING!  WARNING!  WARNING!  WARNING!  WARNING!  WARNING!  WARNING! 
The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically 
earmarked, spindled and polygraphed.  Anyone who attempts to copy
this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher
will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director,
Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari.


TABLE OF INCONTINENCE:
About Vaporware Communications.....................................01
Editorial - Copyrights and Electronic Publishing...................01
Lettuce to the Editor..............................................02
Chains Of Stupidity................................................03
A Matter of Life (and Death) Support...............................05
Vaporware Expands Entertainment Division...........................08
Johnny Turbo, D.R..................................................09
The Joys of Pet-Sitting............................................11
1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey.............................12
Humor/Comedy Favorites of the RAH Writers..........................15
RAH Humor Review: Dilbert..........................................15
Announcements......................................................16
Bumper Stickers Seen on the Information Superhighway...............18
Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1
RAH Distribution System...........................................A-3

Random Access Humor             Page  1                   June 1994

About Vaporware Communications

VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare
Corporation, a public corporation.  Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR
VaporWare Corporate Officers:

                        Luther Lecks
              President, Chief Egomaniac Officer

Dorian Debacle, M.B.A.              Gabriel Escargot 
V.P., Operations                    V.P., Customer Service

Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance)        Carlos Goebbels
V.P., Finance                       V.P., Political Correctness

Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A.,
               Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al.
V.P., Research & Development
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Editorial - Copyrights and Electronic Publishing
by Dave Bealer

Time again for a serious editorial.  In the past few months several
people took it upon themselves to "help promote RAH" by posting RAH 
articles, or complete RAH issues, in public conferences.  These
people were genuinely surprised by the fact that I wanted to them to
stop the practice.  This situation calls for an explanation.

RAH was first published as a plain ASCII text magazine.  The original
intent was for RAH to be distributed only in ZIP archive form on BBS
systems.  To accommodate systems that don't support unZIP utilities,
it was decided to allow complete uncompressed ASCII text editions of
RAH to be made available for download.  To allow use on systems that
don't have actual download functions, permission was given for sysops
to make the ASCII text edition available for online display.  This
would allow users with terminal software that can "capture" an online
session to grab a copy online, then read the resultant text file
offline at their leisure.  The uncompressed ASCII Text edition turned
out to be ideal for Internet users, many of whom have no access to
dearchive utilities.

None of this is intended to allow posting of RAH articles, or RAH
issues, in online conferences.  Such action probably constitutes
republishing of the work in question, which in the case of
copyrighted material is illegal without written permission of the
copyright holder.  Opinion is actually divided on whether public
posting online constitutes publication, but it seems likely the
"public posting = publication" viewpoint will win out in the end.  I
have decided to act as though that will be the outcome until
definitive evidence to the contrary is available.
                              - - -
As announced for the past several months, this will be the last issue
of RAH until the September issue hits the boards.  It will be fun to
see how much mail is generated this summer from readers who still
haven't figured this out.                                       {RAH}

Random Access Humor             Page  2                   June 1994

Lettuce to the Editor

From: noel paul stookey
      celestat bbs
      blue hill falls, maine

dave...

excuse my tardy thank you in response to your generous disk of 
humor...i put the may batch (or was it april?) on the hearye! forum
and as far as i could tell folks were gobbling it up (my personal
favorites are the taglines of the month)!

i hope you'll think of our board when it comes time to put together a
june 'episode'....

continued success in your venture (or dare i say it, "rah, rah,
rah"!) 

for the Love of it all,

noel paul
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Noel,

It pleases me no end to send collections of RAH issues to all comics
who have been personal favorites of mine and who have a prayer of
appreciating BBS and computer humor.  Alas, that list had only one
name on it, yours.  

Given the eclectic nature of your board and its user community, RAH
seemed like a good fit.  I'm glad it's working out that way, and will
be proud to upload RAH to your board in June, and every month
thereafter (after the summer hiatus, at any rate).

The taglines seem to be the favorite part for most RAH readers.  I
can't tell you the ego boost that news always gives those of us who
slave over a hot keyboard (many of which have a neat new feature
called a SHIFT key) writing original humor for RAH.  Hey, some of my
articles take a whole *five minutes* to write!  <grin> 

Seriously, though, I'm always happy to hear that RAH entertains a
reader.  That is, after all, the reason this e-mag exists.

<star-struck fan mode ON>

Thanks so much for your letter, I will treasure it always.
DB
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 Area:    Fidonet Matr
 Date:    05-13-94 17:36 (Private) 
 From:    RONALD SARAUER           
 To:      LETTUCE                  
 Subject: COOL                     

Random Access Humor             Page  3                   June 1994

You are soo cool!!! I mean it you are soooooo cool!!!! I mean the
coolest!!! you are pure Funk-O-Tron!!! You are so cool you are on the
coolness level of freedom rock!!!!! You are soo fresh you could be
the g-mac-funk-daddy of all time!!!!!!!!!
---
 * Origin: Exec-PC BBS > World's Largest BBS < (1:154/280)
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Ronald,

Don't be shy, just say what's on your mind.

Gosh, nobody ever said things like that about *me* before.  Are you
quite sure your brain is getting enough oxygen?

Oh, now I remember.  I forgot something.

<star-struck fan mode OFF>
DB
- - - - - - - - - - - -
We want to hear from our readers!  Get the same kind of respectful
answers to YOUR questions.  Send your e-mail to:
      Internet>  lettuce@rah.clark.net
      FidoNet>   Lettuce at 1:261/1129
You can also ask your questions in one (or both) of our two new RAH
reader conferences.  Internet users can subscribe to our RAHUSER
mailing list (send e-mail to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net for instructions)
and FidoNet users can ask their sysops to obtain the new RAHUSER echo
from the RAH Publication BBS (1:261/1129).
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Chains Of Stupidity
by Dave Bealer

The idiocy of chain letters has finally found its way to the online
world.  The chain letter I received on the Internet in early May is
so ridiculous that it deserves to be commented on here.  (The actual
text of the chain letter below is preceded by the ">" greater-than
character.  My comments are interspersed with the chain letter text
and begin in column one.)

> The following is from a letter I received and I decided to
> introduce it on the net.

Not only did some mega-twit decide to inflict this on the online
world, he found a way to put another victim's return address on
the message, causing recipients to flame other innocent victims.
I tried to ignore the message, but someone with less online
experience was tricked into squawking about the chain letter *I*
sent him.
 
> Kiss Someone You Love When You Get This Letter And Make Magic

Rascal, my orange and white tabby cat, was thrilled when I carried
out this directive.  The magic wasn't long in coming, either.  Rascal
ate some grass and magically created more interesting patterns for my
light tan wall-to-wall carpeting.

Random Access Humor             Page  4                   June 1994
 
>     This paper has been sent to you for GOOD LUCK.  The original
> copy is in New England.  It has been around the world nine times.
 
The original is located in the New England Crackpot Museum, which
is sponsored by the Psycho Friends Network.  The electronic copy 
has been clocked making it around the world in as little as 80 
nanoseconds.  

> The luck has been sent to you.  You will receive GOOD LUCK in
> four days.  This is no joke.

Unfortunately the luck was file attached using a method which is not 
decipherable by my Internet software, which can handle only one of
the more than 2,300 methods of doing file attaches extant in the UNIX
world. 

>      You will receive it in the mail.  Send copies to the people
> you think need GOOD LUCK.  Do not send cash, as fate has no price.

In other words, what price superstition?

> Do not keep this letter.  It must leave your hands within 96 hours.

As I get older, it becomes increasingly difficult to hand carry
e-mail. 

> An Airforce officer received $70,000.  Joe Elliot received $40,000
> and lost it because he broke the chain.  While in the Philippines,
> Gene Welch lost his wife six days after receiving the letter.  He
> failed to circulate the letter.  However, before her death she had
> won $50,000 in a lottery.  The money transferred to him four days
> after he decided to mail out his letter.
 
If you believe any of this, please e-mail me.  I have some swamp land
in the Gobi Desert I can let you have *real cheap*.

>      Please make twenty copies of this letter and see what
> happens in four days.  The chain comes from South America and was
> written by Samuel Adams Pierce, a missionary from South America.

During a break from his missionary position, no doubt.

> Since the copy must make the tour of the world, you must make
> twenty copies and send them to your friends and associates.
> After a few days you will get a surprise.  This is true even if
> you are not superstitious.

If you're not superstitious and believe any of this, then I have a
*real deal* for you.  I can sell you the Washington Monument and ten
acres of land surrounding it.  Collect rent for all those concerts
and demonstrations held there annually!

> Do note the following: Constantine Deas received the chain in 1955.

It had been sent airmail special delivery in 1932.

Random Access Humor             Page  5                   June 1994

> He asked his secretary to make twenty copies and send them out.  A
> few days later he won the lottery of two million dollars.  

Unfortunately the lottery paid off in Soviet currency.

> Andy Daddit, an office employee, received this letter
> and he forgot it had to leave his hands in 96 hours.  He lost his
> job.  Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed out twenty
> copies.  A few days later, he got a better job.  Mr. Fairchild
> received the letter and not believing it, threw it away.  Nine
> days later he died.
 
The penalties for litterbugs in Mr. Fairchild's town are severe.

>      Please send no money.
>      Please do not ignore it.
>      It works.
 
> (Translation: Don't pay people to take it)

This translation has been provided for morons.

> (Note that this was started on paper and is only now on the net)

Lucky us.  I can't wait until Ed McMahon finds out about the net.
                                                                {RAH}
--------------
Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who
works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the
largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast.  He shares a waterfront
townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he
writes and electronically publishes RAH.    FidoNet> 1:261/1129
Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A Matter of Life (and Death) Support...
by Greg Borek

Losing containment of the anti-matter.  Containment field failure in
30 seconds.

Any options?

No, sir.  We must jettison the warp core.

Do it.

Core jettisoned, sir.

Damage report.

Random Access Humor             Page  6                   June 1994

Primary power systems inoperative.  Weapons systems inoperative.
Defensive shields inoperative, navigational shields only.  Several
substantial hull breaches.  Only 22% of crew stations reported
personed and ready.  Life support nominal.  Operating on battery
power only.  Communications almost restored.  Slowing to sub-light
speed.

Damn.  I was hoping we would make it to the starbase.  What is our
ETA?

Sir,...

Science officer, report.  Everyone on the bridge is a Star Fleet
officer and we can face facts.  What is our ETA?

Sir, we have lost all propulsion systems and are travelling on
momentum alone.  Given our current velocity, my calculations place us
at the starbase in approximately 47.242 years.  Life support and all 
power systems will be exhausted in 27.842 years.

Hmmm....  Who operates the starbase?

The Bureaucrati, sir.

Bureaucrati?  I thought they were denied admission into the
Federation.

They were, sir.  This starbase was donated to the Federation as an
example of their technological competence.  The base is completely
manned by Bureaucrati.

As I recall they were judged as technically competent, but there was
some other reason why they were refused membership.  Any data on
that?

No, sir.  Only that all contact teams were required to spend several
months on Eroticon III recovering.  Sir, engineering reports
communications restored. 

Thank goodness for that.  Open a channel to the starbase.

Open, sir.

Bureaucrati Starbase, this the USS Bismarck.  We are heavily damaged
and have lost all propulsion and navigation systems.  We are
proceeding at best speed...

<Welcome to the Bureaucrati starbase support line.  We hope that we
can be of assistance to you.>

Uh..., thank you.  This is the USS Bismarck.  We have sustained heavy
damage...

<If you have opened a channel just to be friendly, press 1 now.  If
you...>

Random Access Humor             Page  7                   June 1994

What the...?

Sir, I believe you are speaking to some sort of recorded message.

What the...?  A recorded message?  Who would have a recorded
message...?

<...If you need to hear the selections again, press # now.>

What?  What was that?  Now we've missed it.  Quiet, everyone.
Communications officer, press #.

Aye, sir, # pressed.

<If you have opened a channel just to be friendly, press 1 now.  If
you are a Ferengi vessel and are attempting to swindle us out of yet
another starbase, press 2 now.  If you are the Borg and are
attempting to assimilate the known universe, press 3 now.  If you are
a starship that has been heavily damaged press 4 now.  If you are
interested in tourist information for the Gamma quadrant...> 

Communications officer, press 4.

Aye, aye, sir.  4 pressed.

<Thank you.  If the entire crew is dead, press 1 now.  If you no
longer have life support, press 2 now.  If the ship has been damaged
because you made Q angry, press 3 now, but we are required by law to
inform you that the nosy, meddlesome busybody will know that you have
called us.  If your ship is currently adrift or you no longer have
navigational control of your vessel, press 4 now.  If your weapon
systems are firing in an indiscriminate manner...>

Communications officer, 4 again.

Aye, sir, 4 pressed.

<Thank you.  All of our emergency ship rescue consultants are busy
right now, but if you please wait, a consultant will be on line as
soon as one is available.  Thank you for your patience.  [William
Shatner's rendition of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" begins to play
softly in the background]>

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?  Don't they realize how dire our situation is
here?  How long do they think they can keep us on hold like...

<We regret any inconvenience caused by this little delay.  We take
pride in our service and realize your time is valuable.  We will
connect you to the next available service consultant.  [Barry
Manilow's "I Write the Songs" begins playing in the background]>.

How do we get someone's attention?  We have to break out of this hold
and somehow get someone's attention...

Random Access Humor             Page  8                   June 1994

<While you are waiting we would like to take this opportunity to make
you aware of some of the fantastic services available at our
starbases throughout this sector.  Consider a Bureaucrati starbase
for your next shore leave.  Holodecks are available, at a minimal
charge, to all...>

AAAAH!  How long does this go on for?  We only have 27.842 years of
life support left.

<...indoor plumbing.  We would also like to take this opportunity to
dissuade any of the more cynical races of the galaxy from thinking
we are deliberately keeping you on hold to advertise our other
services.  We sincerely regret any inconvenience caused by this
delay.  We will be with you shortly.>                           {RAH}
--------------
Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
He has previously been mistaken for a vampire.  Netmail to: Greg
Borek at 1:261/1129.  Internet: greg.borek@rah.clark.net
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Vaporware Expands Entertainment Division
by Muffy Mandel

Vaporware Corporation continued to expand its presence in the 
entertainment industry with the recent acquisition of Wizzy Wig Films
VLtd. (Very Limited), the library of which contains such classics as:

"An Innocent Broad"    
  - Based on a previously unknown novel by Mark Twain  - his version
    of the Lizzie Borden saga.  Stars Tonya Harding.

"Star Trek XXIII: The Geezers Finally Retire"
  - Kirk chases the nurses at the Star Fleet Mature Legends' Home,
    while bragging how he got through 3 seasons and 22 movies without
    ever once saying "Engage" or "Make it so."  Spock finally gets in
    touch with his human emotions, only to find that they once
    belonged to 20th century human comedian Richard Lewis.  Bones is
    kept busy thwarting Spock's resultant suicide attempts.  Scotty
    develops a new starship fuel, a mixture of scotch and Preparation
    H, which allows his anti-grav dessert trolley to break the warp
    10 barrier.  George Takei (Sulu) discovers that he is distantly
    related to Bruce Lee, then dies mysteriously during filming. 

"Teenage Campers Being Sliced and Diced By Ninjas While Cars Crash 
                And Explode For No Apparent Reason"  
  - A thoroughly modern adventure yarn starring: Steven Seagal, Chuck
    Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Jonathan Brandis, Edward Furlong,
    Christina Applegate, and Winona Ryder.  These stars are joined, 
    briefly, by hundreds of teenage extras who are given the Ginsu 
    treatment with expert precision.

Random Access Humor             Page  9                   June 1994

"Lassie Come Home, We Need An Appetizer"
  - The canine hero's final adventure with her new Korean friend 
    Kimmy, whose parents operate a Chinese restaurant.  The menu 
    includes: Sweet & Sour Lassie, Benji Fried Rice, Rin Tin Wonton,
    Egg Foo Old Yeller, Beethoven's Fifth Rib, and Toto Lo Mein. 

With quality material like this, the Wizzy Wig Film library was a
real bargain.                                                   {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Johnny Turbo, D.R.
by Jason K. Goodowens
  
It was raining in the city.  A good, hard rain that washed the grime
from the sidewalks and sent it pouring down the sewer grates where it
belongs.  I like the rain.  From my office window I could see a two
bit hood called Manny the Medium hawking black market floppies from
the shadows of an alley.  I guess the rain can't get rid of all the
scum.  He'd cornered some poor joe and was giving him the pitch on
how you could turn a single sided to a double sided with a hole
puncher.  Same old scam.  I knew the routine, I'd been in the
business for years.  Some things never change.  The line router on my
desk suddenly flicked on.  I waited patiently as it determined if the
incoming call was voice or data.  After a few clicks and whirs, the
phone rang.  It was the chief and it was trouble.  There had been a
crash.
  
When I got to the scene, the big boys' recovery team was already
there.  I hoped they hadn't gotten their hands on the hardware, yet.
Those goons couldn't rebuild a cluster if it were made out of tinker  
toys.  I elbowed my way past the police line and into the building.    
  
The crash scene was a typical one.  An empty chair.  A blank monitor.
A sobbing executive.  He was a pudgy polyester type, who looked as if
his first cousin was a wombat or possibly a beaver.  His secretary
attempted to console him by bringing him a fresh cup of coffee.  That
had always worked before, but not this time.  He knocked the mug from
her hands and dropped to his knees.

"The third quarter financial reports... the entire budget for this  
year... Wing Commander... all gone...," he wailed.  

I sat down in front of the dead system and drew my driver from its  
worn leather holster.  "Easy, pal," I growled over my shoulder.
"I'll get your data back."
  
His sobbing stopped and he looked at me with shining eyes.  "Even...
even my contact database?"  
  
"Yeah, sure."  I turned my attention back to the monitor.  It was a
messy one.  The entire boot sector had exploded, strewing bits
throughout the partition, and there were several broken Windows to
deal with.    

Random Access Humor             Page 10                   June 1994
  
My hands moved quickly, surely.  I had devoted my life to learning
more about computers and my study had paid off.  There wasn't a
system in the world that I couldn't infiltrate, destroy, or repair.
The big boys knew it, and they wanted me on their side,  but I
wouldn't play their game.  I work on my own.  I like it that way.  I
tapped a few more keys and whipped out a simple batch recovery
program.  That did it.
  
I turned to my pudgy pal, who was attempting to wipe the teardrops 
from his paisley tie, and said, "Don't touch it for ten minutes.
After it reboots, you're as good as new."  
  
"You work miracles, sir.  How can I ever thank you?" he asked.  
  
I flicked out a smoke with practiced ease, then put it away just as
quickly.  Damn smoke free environments.  I just had one more
question. "How'd this crash happen, buddy?  This was no ordinary
power surge..."  
  
He looked at me with a smile that I didn't like.  "Why don't you ask
them?" he said, pointing behind me.
  
I whirled around just in time to see two of the big boys' thugs put
my lights out with a printer stand.
  
I came to in an old warehouse, surrounded by old, out of date XT's.
A computer graveyard, a micro-mausoleum.  I tried to stand up, but
everything was moving like a cheap CD-ROM drive -- much too slow.  I
hit the floor again like a pile of rags.  A small door opened at one
end of the silicon tomb, and a man stepped through.  One of the big
boys himself!  I wanted some answers.  
  
"I want some answers..." I croaked.  
  
He stood over me and laughed.  "You should've taken our offer, Mr.  
Turbo.  It was fair, equitable, and far more generous than we're
going to be right now."  
  
I had to move fast.  I slowly reaching into my coat and found my  
can of compressed air in its secret pocket.  "Hey buddy," I said, "I  
think you need some air."  
  
"What?  Mr. Turbo, don't be ridiculous.  Why I --"  
  
I leapt up and cut him off with a quick blast up the nostril.  The
rush of air over-oxygenated his brain and rendered him unconscious
almost instantly.  He dropped like a sack of rotten potatoes.  I
pulled the static electricity inducer from his sweaty hand and made
tracks for the exit.  The dumb look on his hired gun's face when I
burst through the door was highly comical, I wish you could have seen
it.  I zapped him with the charge of a thousand feet dragged across a
thousand carpets.  I dashed down the alley, and caught the local bus
back to my office.  

Random Access Humor             Page 11                   June 1994
  
So now I sit here behind my desk, feet propped up, and a bottle of
good whiskey in one hand.  If the big boys want me that bad I'm sure
they'll be back.  But, then again, I'm used to keeping one eye over
my shoulder.  Sure it's a rough and tumble business, and a lot of the
time the chips are down, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  I lit
up a smoke and watched the rain fall.                           {RAH} 
-------------
Jason K. Goodowens is slowly biding his time in Section, AL.  He has
no permanent E-MAIL address, but messages may be posted for him as 
JASON GOODOWENS on the Dynamic Data Systems BBS, (205) 574-4236.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Joys of Pet-Sitting
by Dave Bealer

Americans are keeping more pets than ever.  A few years ago the cat
surpassed the dog as the most popular American pet.  Americans are
also travelling more than ever, for both business and pleasure.
During these absences, someone must look after their pets.  The most
conveniently located potential victims for this particular brand of
abuse are the traveller's neighbors.

An acquaintance of Greg Borek's recently wrote a "care and feeding"
note to the neighbors before leaving for a week long trip.  Selected
passages follow:

  Feeding the cats:  twice daily, 1/3 cup dried food morning and
  evening (+ 1/4 can wet food in the evening only) each.  Bob will 
  eat the lion's share of everything he can get to; Dale will sort 
  of ignore the morning meal but that's her problem.

  Medicating Bob:  Bob gets 1/2 pill each meal.  He likes the pill
  and will eat 1/2 from the open palm of your hand like candy.  He
  doesn't know that he has eaten it so he will lick your palm until
  you make him stop.  My wife thinks this is funny - I don't. 
  Sometimes he drops the pill, sometimes I do.  Just pick it up and
  let him lick your palm some more until the idiot has eaten it.
  (I think you should be paid more for doing this job.)

  Medicating Dale: Dale is drug free.  (Just say meow.)

  Cat Hurl: A word here about cat vomit.  Cats are disgusting, 
  nasty, filthy, hairy, little pigs.  They glom up their smelly, 
  nasty food and some time later when they are out reach and 
  sometimes sight, but almost never out of hearing, they will choke
  up the most nauseating pile of cat food combined with hair and 
  stomach goo.  Just look at the existing stains on the rug, walls 
  and certain parts of the ceiling for proof that pigs can fly.  
  Anyway they do this whenever they feel like it and it signals 
  absolutely nothing about any underlying terminal illness.  God 
  knows I have prayed enough that if it did we would have owned
  several generations of the fleabags by now.  The glop will dry 
  and is easily cleaned then.  Don't worry about the stains, they
  come out with a combination of kerosene and neutron rays on the
  third Saturday of the month after the sacrifice of a yellow
  mottled tree frog.  REALLY IT'S TRUE.  Don't worry.

Random Access Humor             Page 12                   June 1994

  The Litter Box: Amazingly enough the scientific community has 
  spent countless millions of man hours pondering the problem of
  creating an artificial/natural area in the home where cats will
  feel highly motivated to carry out their natural digestive 
  functions (see Cat Hurl above for an estimate of their success
  with upper digestive functions).  Hence the invention of high
  technology artificial sand called SCOOPABLE KITTY LITTER.  This
  stuff is amazing.  Why don't they stuff Pampers and Depends with
  it?  It clumps and dries into large concrete blocks, suitable for
  commercial construction projects, when contacted by the dread
  kitty pee.  Once a week I scoop out the clumps of coagulated 
  kitty pee and the other pre-clumped digestive by-products, put
  them in a garbage bag and give them as gifts to the ABC
  environmental engineers.

  The Mail:  Just stack it somewhere EXCEPT FOR THE FOLLOWING 
  ITEMS:
  Any $10,000,000 check signed or delivered by Ed McMahon...call me
  immediately if that clown finally shows up with my money.

These passages show you some of what pet-sitting neighbors let 
themselves in for.  The author of this note wishes to remain
nameless, but at least it can act as a model for entertaining notes
for any neighbors you coerce into caring for your pets.  I intend to
leave a version of this note for my neighbors when I travel to
Atlanta this summer.                                            {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey

Sponsored by:

EXEC-PC   
P.O. Box 57         voice: (414) 789-4200
Elm Grove, WI.      2400:  (414) 789-4210   V.32bis: (414) 789-4360 

EXEC-PC is the world's largest BBS with 300+ incoming phone lines.
It was also one of the first major boards to adopt the Readroom Door
for online periodical viewing.  Both RAH editions are personally
uploaded to EXEC-PC each month by the editor.

EXEC-PC has donated two one-year subscriptions to EXEC-PC, each
valued at $75.

Also sponsored by:

Clark Internet Services, Inc.   (ClarkNet)
10600 Route 108             voice (800) 735-2258 ext. (410) 730-9764
Ellicott City, MD 21042     TDD: (410) 730-9764  FAX: (410) 730-9765
You can e-mail to all-info@clark.net for automatic reply of ClarkNet
information or e-mail to info@clark.net for inquiry.

Random Access Humor             Page 13                   June 1994

ClarkNet provides Internet access services to the Baltimore/
Washington metro area.  Full Internet/USENET/FTP/Archie/Gopher access
is available through UNIX shell accounts.  UUCP, PPP, and SLIP access
is also available.  The RAH support site makes its UUCP connection
thru ClarkNet.  ClarkNet is connected to Internet via Sprint's T1
leased line.  The modem access number is: (410) 730-9786.

ClarkNet has donated a prize package worth $100 to be awarded in a
random drawing from all fully completed 1994 RAH Reader Survey
responses received between 02/01/94 and 06/30/94.  The prize 
package contains:  6 month ClarkNet Basic Internet Service (Internet
e-mail and USENET newsgroups only) and a copy of _Connecting to the
Internet_ by Susan Estrada.  All setup fees and shipping charges are
included.

Additional prizes may be added as the survey progresses.  Any such
additional prizes will he announced in future RAH issues.  If your
organization would like to become a sponsor, contact Dave Bealer
for details.  (dave_bealer@rah.clark.net;  Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129)

-------------------%<------- cut here --------->%--------------------

              1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey

(Only fully completed survey forms will be eligible for the drawing.)

>> Questions about you, the reader:

Name:___________________________________________________  Age:_______

Address:_____________________________________________________________

City:_________________________________________ State/Prov:___________ 

Country:______________________________  Postal Code:_________________

Electronic Address:__________________________________________________

Computer Type/Brand:______________________ Are You GUI(Y/N/Huh)?_____

Modem Brand:________________  Modem Speed:_________ 16550 UART?______

Approximate date (mo/yr) you made your first BBS call:_______________
  (enter "N/A" if you haven't done these things)
Approximate date (mo/yr) you first used the Internet:________________


>> Questions about your RAH reading habits:

I get RAH from:  ____ Internet Mailing List ____ FTP Site (specify)

____ BBS/Online System (specify)  ____ CD-ROM (specify)  ____ Friend

____ File Echo (specify)  ____ Other (specify):______________________

Random Access Humor             Page 14                   June 1994

Name of source:______________________________________________________

Net address/phone number of source:__________________________________

Location of source:__________________________________________________

Number of RAH issues your source carries:____________________________

Number of RAH issues you have read:__________________________________

Have you ever used the Readroom Periodical Reading Door (Y/N)? ______

What Changes/Additional Features would you like to see in RAH?






>> Questions about your favorite English-language humor/comedy:
     (if you have no preference in a particular category,
       enter "None")

Your favorite stand-up comedian:_____________________________________

Your favorite comic actor:___________________________________________

Your favorite comic actress:_________________________________________

Your favorite comedy movie:__________________________________________

Your favorite comedy television show:________________________________

Your favorite humorous novel:________________________________________

Your favorite comic book:____________________________________________

Your favorite humor columnist:_______________________________________
    (newspaper or magazine)

Surveys may be returned at any time.  Surveys that are completed and
received between 02/01/94 and 06/30/94 will be eligible for a drawing
for valuable prizes.

-------------------%<------- cut here --------->%--------------------

Return the survey to:

  Internet:  survey94@rah.clark.net

  FidoNet:   Survey94 at 1:261/1129

Random Access Humor             Page 15                   June 1994

  Snailmail:  1994 RAH Reader Survey
              P.O. Box 595
              Pasadena, MD.  21122
              USA

The results from the humor/comedy preference portion of the survey
will be published in the September 1994 issue of RAH, as will the
list of winners from the drawing.

Please use the survey form from the March or later issues.  The form
published in the February 1994 issue did not include space for the
respondent's postal code.  Lack of a postal code could delay the
delivery of any prize you might win.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor/Comedy Favorites of the RAH Writers:

For the duration of the 1994 RAH Reader Survey, we'll be providing
you with the survey responses of several RAH Writers.  This month,
the survey responses of Vincent B. Navarino (who owns a mansion and a
yacht):

Your favorite stand-up comedian: Rowan Atkinson______________________

Your favorite comic actor: John Cleese_______________________________

Your favorite comic actress: Lucille Ball____________________________

Your favorite comedy movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail__________

Your favorite comedy television show: Monty Python's Flying Circus___

Your favorite humorous novel: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_______

Your favorite comic book: Iron Man___________________________________

Your favorite humor columnist: Dave Bealer ...I mean Dave BARRY______
    (newspaper or magazine)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
RAH Humor Review - Dilbert
by Ray Koziel

Perhaps you know this person.  He has curly hair, is somewhat
overweight, and wears wire-rimmed glasses.  For reasons unknown the
end of his black and red striped tie always tends to curls up into
the air.  He has become the unsung hero for programmers, technicians,
engineers, and scientists in companies across the country.  For those
of you who are still not sure who it is, it is none other than Dilbert.

Created by Scott Adams, Dilbert and his pets Dogbert (who also wears
wire-rimmed glasses) and Ratbert have become the voice for the
technical worker who is unable to speak out about the dysfunctions of
the management and the corporations where they work.  An applications
engineer at Pacific Bell in California, Adams has used Dilbert as an
outlet for himself in dealing with the day to day frustrations and

Random Access Humor             Page 16                   June 1994

aggravations of the workplace.  Apparently the comic strip has a
similar effect on employees of companies from Apple to Xerox who clip
out Dilbert from the paper and post the strips on their doors and
cubicles in the hopes that management might see them and get a clue.

Dilbert made the nation's newspapers in 1989 and quickly became a hit.
He is syndicated in 175 newspapers including the Chicago Tribune,
Denver Post, and The Boston Globe.  If your local newspaper does not
carry Dilbert, never fear, for Scott Adams has published three books
with a fourth soon to be released.  The titles include _Build_a_ 
Better_Life_by_Stealing_Office_Supplies_, _How_to_Avoid_Meetings_with
_Time-wasting_Morons_, _Dogbert's_Clues_for_the_Clueless_, and _Shave
_the_Whales_ (due this spring).  So, the next time management rattles
your cage, never fear - just get Dilbert!                       {RAH}
--------------
Ray Koziel is a systems programmer/analyst for a consulting firm in
Atlanta.  Since Ray has started contributing to RAH, his wife has
become more at ease now that he has a new target for his weird sense
of humor.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
                  COMING SOON TO YOUR AREA!

                   -= Whitewater World =-

    Just check out these fun and exciting activities:

          o Twist and spin in The Shredder

          o Ride the fast and furious Suicidal Scream
            roller coaster

          o Get soaked and splashed on the Whitewater
            Rockin' Rapids

          o Meet Bill, Hillary, Al, and the rest of the
            gang at Trooperville, where you can relax
            from all the exciting rides

          o Go to the "Safe Guns - Safe Bullets Cafe"
            and try your luck at the shooting gallery,
            where you'll face the likes of Rush Limbaugh,
            Ross Perot, and Ronald Reagan


            IT'S A WORLD OF SCANDAL NOT A WORLD AWAY!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Announcements and Observations

(TCP/IP - 06/01/94) Anne Arundel County Police announced the end of a
tense standoff in Pasadena, Maryland today.  A 36 year old computer
programmer held two cats and several sea gulls hostage in his
waterfront townhome.  The suspect, identified as David Bealer, was
captured by police posing as carpet cleaners.  Bealer, whose demands
included having his carpets and deck cleaned, was found to be armed

Random Access Humor             Page 17                   June 1994

only with a Salad Shooter.  He was charged with "assault with a leafy
vegetable" and "making terroristic threats."  The terroristic threats
apparently involved continuing to publish an electronic magazine,
called Random Access Humor, which has been classified as a public
mental health hazard.

Bealer claimed to be distraught over "sea gulls constantly crapping on
his deck and his cats puking on the carpet."
                               - - -
The 1994 RAH Reader Survey is still in full swing.  We've already
received 50% more responses in four months than for the 1993 survey,
which has been running for 16 months.  There are still thirty days
(until June 30, 1994) to respond in time to have your survey entered
in the drawing.  Interim standings in the "popularity" portion of the
survey follow (standings as of 5/29/94): 

  Stand Up Comic:
    George Carlin has edged in front.  Robin Williams and Steven
    Wright are tied for second.  It's still anybody's race.

  Comic Actor:
    John Cleese has surged into clear first.  Robin Williams and 
    Steve Martin are tied for second. 

  Comic Actress:
    Whoopi Goldberg remains in first, closely followed by Goldie
    Hawn.  Gilda Radner is in third place.

  Comedy Movie:
    Monty Python and the Holy Grail continues to pull away from the
    pack, led by Monty Python's Life of Brian.  The Naked Gun and
    Blazing Saddles are tied for third.

  Comedy Television Program:
    The fans of Monty Python's Flying Circus have vaulted it from a
    tie for second to clear first place.  Home Improvement is
    clinging to second place, with M*A*S*H in third.  Seinfeld is
    tied for fourth with The Simpsons.  If Home Improvement finishes
    in the top three I'll have to watch an episode to see what all
    the fuss is about.

  Humorous Novel:
    The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, making good use of Infinite
    Improbability Drive, is running away with this category.  In
    fact, it's still the only book that has received more than one
    vote.

  Comic Book:
    Groo the Wanderer is leading this category by virtue of having
    received two votes.  This category has been dominated by "None"
    or blank responses. 

Random Access Humor             Page 18                   June 1994

  Humor Columnist:
    Dave Barry is running away with this category, having received
    votes from about 1/3 of all respondents.  (Several responses had
    blank entries in this category, making Dave's ratio of voters in
    this category more like 1/2.)  P. J. O'Rourke remains in second,
    just ahead of Dave Bealer (please, I'm blushing!).
                             - - -
REMINDER: RAH is now being published 10 times per year.  There will
be no July or August issues this year.  The September issue will be
released on September 1, 1994.
                             - - -
Dave Bealer will be offline during June and July in order to pursue a
non-RAH related writing project.  It is also hoped that a vacation
from RAH will give him some fresh ideas and enthusiasm.  The Puffin's
Nest will still be operating, but Dave makes no promises as far as
responding to mail quickly.

Manuscripts for RAH may still be submitted, but they will not be read
until August.
                             - - -
The deadline for submissions for the September 1994 issue is
08/25/94. 
---------------------------------------------------------------------
--- Bumper Stickers Seen On The Information Superhighway

Avoid junk mail, get an unlisted zip code!

Friends help you move; Real friends help you move bodies.

Oh, no, not another learning experience!

What do you mean, you formatted the cat?

I've GOT it together.  You should have seen it APART!

Quit worrying about your health, it'll go away.

Theatre is life - Film is art - Television is furniture.

DOS means never having to live hand-to-mouse.

This little piggy went to market.  He's a shopaholic.

C:\COPY A:\DAD\*.DNA+B:\MOM\*.DNA C:\BABY.EXE

"You want to be buried or cremated?"  "Surprise me."

When the going gets tough, the smart get sneaky.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Send your spare mice to SOCKS@WHITEHOUSE.GOV

I am Kirk of Borg - prepare..to..be..assimilated.

Random Access Humor             Page 19                   June 1994

Hollowpoints - the ultimate in feminine protection.

Life is a lemon and I want my money back.

If it ain't broke, I can fix it.

Better living through alchemy.

If at first you don't succeed, well...darn.

An intelligent snake is a smart asp.

Positive: mistaken at the top of your voice.

How can I insert disk #3 when only two will fit?

WYMI: the all-philosophy radio station.

Quick, send duck tape!  My duck is quacked!

If this were an actual tagline, you would be laughing now.

One of those days?  I have one of those lives.

I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.

When life hands you lemons make Strawberry Daiquiris.

Hail Caesar!  We who are about to dine salad you.

Meddle not in the affairs of wizards, for <<poof>>...ribbit.

Few women admit their age.  Few men act theirs.

How did the fool and his money get together in the first place?

An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.

Would you have the grace to discorporate?

Used car: not what it's jacked up to be.

Human beings were created by water to transport it up hill.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

Friend: someone who likes you even after they know you.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

Join my war on technology...send me a FAX.  - Mark Russell

FIDO: all the social dynamics of kindergarten.

Random Access Humor             Page 20                   June 1994

Anything that doesn't eat you today is saving you for tomorrow.

Define (n.)  De ting you get for breaking de law.

Who was Casper the Friendly Ghost before he died?

I'd like to help you out.  Which way did you come in?

All generalizations are false, including this one.

We've been through so much together and most of it was your fault!

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Phillistines demand David be tested for steroids.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

What were you this time, Odo? The modem? The computer? The TAGLINE!

Support Capitol punishment - spank your congressman.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!

Lead me not into temptation, unless there's money involved.

Me and you and a Borg named Hugh...

Don't use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice.

C program run.  C program crash.  C programmer quit.

Why put off 'til tomorrow what you'll never do anyway?

Dumb terminal, eh?  Well, kiss my parallel port!

Earth: if you love it, leave it.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

I ain't broke but I'm badly bent.

Clinical studies show there are no answers.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Keelhauling is a real bitch on a starship.

Hi, my name is Annie Key.  Please don't hit me!

Random Access Humor             Page A-1                  June 1994

Random Access Humor Masthead:

Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer

Associate Editor: Greg Borek

Contributing Editors: Ray Koziel

Logo Design: Kelly Price

Contact:  The Puffin's Nest BBS
          FidoNet: 1:261/1129  (1200-14400/V.32bis)
          BBS: (410) 437-3463  (1200-16800/HST)
          Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net
                    greg.borek@rah.clark.net

Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!)
               Random Access Humor
               c/o Dave Bealer
               P.O. Box 595
	       Pasadena, MD. 21122  USA

                      >> Legal Junk <<

Random Access Humor (RAH) is published ten times a year (September -
June) by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community.  
Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at
any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online
service.  RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by 
their authors.  The contribution of articles to this compilation does
not diminish the rights of the authors.  The opinions expressed in
RAH are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of the
publisher.

This entire publication is a work of satire (except for these legal
bits here).  If anyone takes offense to something published herein,
the fault (a lack of a sense of humor) lies with them and not with 
the magazine.  The editors and publisher will not be held responsible
for the use or misuse of any information contained in this magazine.

Random Access Humor is Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer.  All Rights 
Reserved.  Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non-
commercial purposes only.  RAH may not be distributed on diskette or 
in hardcopy form for a fee without express written permission from the 
publisher.  For any other use, contact the publisher.

RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form.  Online systems whose
users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for 
viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not
modified.  RAH may not be posted, in whole or in part, on public 
conferences.  Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies
on diskette for their own personal use only.  RAH may not be 
distributed in combination with any other publication or product.

Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of
their respective owners.

Random Access Humor             Page A-2                  June 1994

                    >> Where to Get RAH <<

Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download
or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or
from various sites in several BBS networks.  Back issues of RAH may
be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS.

Internet users may obtain RAH back issues as UUENCODED files attached
to e-mail.  Free subscriptions are also available via mailing lists.
For more info, send an e-mail message to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net 
The subject line and body can contain anything or be blank.

RAH is also available on the Internet via FTP:

  etext.archive.umich.edu  (192.131.22.7)  dir: /pub/Zines/RAH
         (ASCII Text edition compressed with gzip)

  ftp.clark.net  (198.17.243.2)  dir: /ftp/pub/rah
         (ASCII Text edition uncompressed - RAHyymm.TXT)
         (ASCII Text edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymm.ZIP)
         (READROOM.TOC edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymmR.ZIP)

                     >> Writing For RAH <<

Article contributions to RAH are always welcome.  All submissions
must be made electronically.  File attach your article to a netmail
message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129.  E-mail (with file attaches)
may also be sent via Internet to: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net

Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail.  Article
submissions should be made via file.  Submitted files must be plain
ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where
artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory 
extension.  If your article does not conform to these simple specs,
it may get lost or trashed.  Also note that such imaginative names as
RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded
contributors.  If your hardware is incapable of producing file names
in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail
messages.  As the volume of mail increases it may not be possible to
make personalized responses to all submissions or correspondence
received. 

The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any
submission as/when they see fit.  The editors also reserve the right
to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication.  This last
right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or
grammar misteaks that are not funny.  RAH is a PG rated publication,
so keep it (mostly) clean.

RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication:
1) Any material in the public domain.
2) Material for which you own the copyright, or represent the copy-
   right holder.  If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the
   copyright holder. 

Random Access Humor             Page A-3                  June 1994

In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to
anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the
message accompanying the contribution.  You still own the material,
and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it
electronically in the usual manner.  Your article may be selected for
publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book.  If you want
your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired
in the text you submit.  Previously published articles may be
submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical
name, date of previous publication.

RAH Distribution System:
(Sites bearing the <contrib> designation will accept your
 contributions and forward them to the editors.)
(All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense
 of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.)

The Puffin's Nest       Pasadena, MD.       Sysop: Dave Bealer
FidoNet> 1:261/1129       (410) 437-3463       16800 (HST/Dual)
<contrib>
Current RAH Issue (text format):      FReq: RAH
Current RAH Issue (Readroom format):  FReq: RAHR
Back Issues of RAH: (text)            FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP
          (RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue)
Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom)        FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP
          (RAH9302R.ZIP and later only)
Complete Writers Guidelines:  FReq: RAHWRITE 
Complete Distributor Info:    FReq: RAHDIST

                     European Gateway:

Datanet BBS       Voorschoten, Netherlands  Sysop: Ed Bakker
FidoNet> 2:281/101         31-71-617784        14400 (V.32bis)
Digital-Net> 15:200/512   MomNet> 71:2000/2

RAH Official Distribution Sites:

-= AUSTRALIA =-
   Northern Territory
Images Unlimited      Darwin     3:850/110   61-89-41-1630   V.32bis

   Victoria
The Flying Circus     Highett    3:635/555   61-3-532-5224   V.32bis

-= BELGIUM =-
Proteus/2             Brussels   2:291/711   32-2-3752539    V.32bis

-= CANADA =-
   Alberta
The Darkland BBS      Edmonton   (NoFido)    (403) 486-5835  V.32bis

   Ontario
Typecast BBS          Kingston   1:249/107   (613) 545-9148  V.32bis
The Next Level      Scarborough  1:250/301   (416) 299-1164  Z19
Echo Valley           Vanier     1:243/26    (613) 749-1016  HST

Random Access Humor             Page A-4                  June 1994

-= FRANCE =-
The Data Zone        Versailles  2:320/218   33-1-39633662   V.32bis

-= GERMANY =-
The Harddisk Cafe     Nidderau   2:244/1682  49-6187-21739   Z19

-= ICELAND =-
The Vision BBS        Keflavik   2:391/20    354-2-14626     V.32bis

-= ITALY =-
Temple of Knowledge   Rome       (NoFido)    39-6-546880     Z19

-= NETHERLANDS =-
BIB Aalten            Aalten     2:283/401   31-54-3774203   V.32bis
BBS Sussudio          Denhaag    2:281/517   31-70-3212177   HST/Dual
Midkemia BBS          Denhaag    (MomNet)    31-70-3361872   V.32bis
TouchDown             Hoofddorp  2:280/401   31-2503-24677   HST/Dual
Bommel's BBS          Schiedam   2:285/800   31-10-4700939   V.32bis
Pleasure BBS          Utrecht    2:281/705   31-30-934123    V.32bis
Datanet BBS          Voorschoten 2:281/101   31-71-617784    V.32bis

-= PORTUGAL =-
The Mail House II     Loures     2:362/29    351-1-9890140   V.32bis
The MAD BBS           V.N.Gaia   2:363/9     351-2-3706922   V.32

-= SAUDI ARABIA =-
MidEast Connection    Riyadh     (NoFido)    966-1-4410075   V.32bis

-= SLOVENIA =-
R.I.S.P.              Ljubljana  2:380/103   38-61-199400    V.32bis

-= UNITED STATES =-
   Alabama
J & J Online          Chickasaw  1:3625/440  (205) 457-5901  V.32bis
Digital Publ. Assoc   Birmingham (NoFido)    (205) 854-1660  V.32bis

   California
InfoMat BBS           San Clemente (P&BNet)  (714) 492-8727  HST/Dual
Automation Central    San Jose   1:143/110   (408) 435-2886  V.32bis
The Software Station  Saugus     1:102/1106  (805) 296-9056  V.32
Marin County Net      Sausalito  1:125/55    (415) 331-6241  HST/Dual

   Connecticut
ModemNews Express     Stamford   (P&BNet)    (203) 359-2299  V.32bis

   Florida
Ruby's Joint      Coconut Grove  1:135/373   (305) 856-4897  V.32bis
The Software Cuisine  Miami      1:135/57    (305) 642-0754  V.32bis

   Georgia
D.W.'s Toolbox        Jonesboro  1:133/1719  (404) 471-6636  V.32bis

   Hawaii
Casa de la Chinchilla  Honolulu  (NoFido)    (808) 845-1303  HST/Dual

Random Access Humor             Page A-5                  June 1994

   Idaho
Phantasia BBS         Boise      1:347/25    (208) 939-2530  V.32bis

   Illinois
The Crossroads BBS    Chicago    1:115/743   (312) 587-8756  HST/Dual
The Loonatic Fringe   Elk Grove  1:115/542   (708) 290-8877  V.32

   Indiana
Digicom               Evansville 1:2310/200  (812) 479-1310  HST/Dual

   Maryland
Wit-Tech              Baltimore  1:261/1082  (410) 256-0170  V.32bis
Outside the Wall      Baltimore  1:261/1093  (410) 665-1855  V.32
The File Exchange   Cockeysville 1:2617/104  (410) 628-7243  HST/Dual
Pooh's Corner        Fells Point 1:261/1131  (410) 327-9263  V.32bis
Cybersystems          Frederick  1:109/713   (301) 662-8948  V.32bis
Robin's Nest         Glen Burnie (P&BNet)    (410) 766-9756  V.32
The Puffin's Nest     Pasadena   1:261/1129  (410) 437-3463  HST/Dual

   Michigan
Didi's Place    Dearborn Heights 1:2410/120  (313) 563-8940  V.32bis

   Mississippi
Ranch & Cattle South  Columbus   (NoFido)    (601) 328-6486  V.32bis

   Missouri
Abiogenesis           Kansas City 1:280/310  (816) 734-4732  V.32bis

   New Mexico
High Mesa Publishing  Los Lunas  1:317/100   (505) 865-8385  V.32
Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas  1:317/317   (505) 865-4082  V.32bis

   New York
The Shop Mail Only    Flushing   1:2603/203  (mail only)     V.32bis
The Wall-2        Middle Village 1:278/612   (718) 335-8784  HST/Dual
Particle Board 3      Monroe     1:272/60    (914) 783-2455  V.32
ASB                  Ronkonkoma  (NoFido)    (516) 471-8625  V.32bis
Dome Ideas BBS        Yonkers    1:272/104   (914) 968-2205  HST

   Oklahoma
H*A*L                 Muskogee   1:3813/304  (918) 682-7337  V.32bis

   Oregon
Bitter Butter Better  Tigard     1:105/290   (503) 620-0307  V.32

   Pennsylvania
Writer's Biz          Greenville  1:2601/522 (412) 588-7863  V.32bis
Cyberdrome            Philadelphia 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026  V.32bis 
Milliways             Pittsburgh   1:129/179 (412) 766-1086  HST/Dual

   Texas
Sunlight Thru Shadows  Addison   (P&BNet)    (214) 620-8793  V.32bis
Incredible BBS        Burleson   1:130/82    (817) 447-2598  HST/Dual

Random Access Humor             Page A-6                  June 1994

   Utah
Vital Signs           Midvale    1:311/20    (801) 255-8909  V.32bis

   Virginia
Pen & Brush       Burke          (P&BNet)    (703) 644-5196  V.32bis
Data Empire       Fredericksburg 1:274/31    (703) 785-0422  V.32bis
Flying Dutchman   Newport News   1:271/237   (804) 595-9383  V.32bis
The Time Machine  Newport News   1:271/236   (804) 599-6401  HST/Dual

   Washington
Spokane Online        Spokane    1:346/20    (509) 327-8540  V.32bis
Dragon's Cave         Tacoma     1:138/198   (206) 752-4160  V.32bis

   West Virginia
Blue Powder BBS      St. Albans  (NoFido)    (304) 727-6733  V.32bis

   Wisconsin
The First Step BBS    Green Bay  1:139/540   (414) 499-6646  V.32bis

=====================================================================

Although not official RAH distributors, the following large 
commercial systems carry RAH.  (Uploaded by the editor himself.)

 Channel 1             Cambridge, MA.   (617) 354-8873   (Readroom)

 EXEC-PC               Elm Grove, WI.   (414) 789-4210   (Readroom)
   
 SPACE                 Menlo Park, CA.  (415) 323-4193

 Software Creations    Clinton, MA.     (508) 368-4137