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=   F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K.   =
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                        What's Wrong With You?
                        ----------------------

	The time has come, I feel the writers block that's been sitting
behind my eyes has finally vanished, and it seems I can get the words that
I think all day out onto some form of media. Usually, it's just a case of
being too disgusted to write, thinking that nobody will appreciate it
anyway, or look at it and think it's just a file of meaningless bitching
and nitpicking. 

Most of the past year and a half of my life has been pretty unpleasant, for
different reasons. Mostly, it's been caring about someone I'd never have a
chance with, worthless jobs and bullshit friends. Don't make the assumption
that every minute that has passed has been miserable for me. I have had a
lot of good times, and have good memories of this part of my life, but
there are a lot of bad spots of it, and I can't blame all of it on other
people. I'll be the first to admit that I cause some of my own problems,
but since I'm the only one to blame for those, I can generally deal with
them. The things that really get to me are the problems that can't really
be blamed on a person. Somehow, things are easier to deal with if there's
someone to point at and say, "This is all because of you." 

I can't really blame anyone for my dead end job except myself, and that's
not really a big problem. I'm just starting to get sick of going in for 8
hours a day, taking shit from customers, co-workers, and bosses, being
underpaid, doing far more and better work for the company than they deserve
and getting jack shit in recognition for it. I guess I'm ok with the whole
thing though. I mean, this is the wonderful world of having a career.  It's
a lot easier to get up and go in the morning when I think about the
prospect of being homeless, and sleeping on someone^Òs couch when I can't
pay my rent. I didn't even bother going to work today, mostly because I'm
so disgusted with the whole work experience there. The part about this that
bothers me is that I'm already fed up with this, and I'll pretty much need
to hold a job for most of the rest of my life. The idea of doing this sort
of shit for the next 50 or so years is a tiring one, but I'll manage, I
always seem to find a way.

My friends are another thing that brings me grief from time to time. I have
a lot of good friends, who I know would do anything for me, and then a few
fair-weather friends, but everyone has those. You can get used to it. There
are times, though, that I need people not to give me shit about my fuck-ups
and shortcomings, and nobody seems to recognize this. I go through times
that I need to be left alone, without any social contact other than my
computer and music. Some people just can't tell or don't care when these
times are, and that can be bad. I retreat into my shell and try to avoid
the word for a while, and people keep poking at me, with whatever goal they
have in mind. All that really does is show me who my best friends are, and
brings me closer to them.

Caring about someone is probably the worst thing that has ever happened to
me. Most people consider this a good thing, probably because it's worked
out for them at least once in their lives. When I realize that someone
(read: female) means something to me, the first thing that goes through my
head is "Oh shit."

Yeah, I'm being pessimistic about it, but I always seem to care about
people I can never have, so it seems like this will be an ongoing thing.
This sort of problem is probably the worst, and there's not a lot that can
be done about it. There are some standard responses to it: you can beat the
fuck out of the nearest solid object, you can hop a bus and leave town, or
you can try your friendly neighborhood liquor store. None of them really
help much, but this is a kind of situation where you can't really sit
around and do nothing, it leaves you with a feeling that you must do
something about it, no matter how futile it may be. 

I tried the drinking route, it didn't help much, but it makes you forget,
makes the time go by a bit faster, and when you come out of it, memories
are hazy. It doesn't really do anything to change the outcome, and you'll
probably just end up looking like a fool because of over-consumption.
Eventually, I got out of this because a friend told me that the person I
was drinking over thought it was a big negative, so I cut down hard, which
anyone who has known me as of late will find a big shock. I had my friends
and a lot of other people I really respect telling me to stop drinking, and
I brushed them off, just telling them that I would be fine and to mind
their own business. Anyone who has asked me this will be happy to know that
I finally did, but not because of their requests, and things look pretty
much the same. I guess there is something to be said for seeing every day
with clarity, even if I don't have the brainpower to interpret it properly.
I'm just kind of tired of being put down as immature because of things like
this, just because I care about shit, and sometimes, things just fucking
get to me. 

I feel kind of empty now that I've gotten these thoughts out of my head and
into a place where the rest of the world can see them, even if they didn't
make the transition to text as well as they should have. Very few people
are talented enough to get things out of their mind without them changing.
Maybe somehow, this will point me at some sort of solution for my problems,
I originally thought that just toughing them out would work, and they would
eventually resolve themselves, but that hasn't seemed to work, so I guess
it's time to find something else to try. When I'm happy again, I'll be the
person that everyone knew before, always able to make someone laugh, never
tired, always up for something to do. I'll be glad to see that version of
me back again.  I kinda miss him.


A wink, a smile, and a kiss good-bye. 

el_jefe

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