
                                  BOTTOM
                                  ======
                    by Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall

                            Series 1, Episode 1


                                  Smells
                                  ======

                              Richie  Rik Mayall
                               Eddie  Adrian Edmondson
                           Assistant  Kevin McNally
                        Woman at bar  Harriet Thorpe
                     Woman's husband  Clive Mantle
                            Landlord  Lee Cornes
                                Kate  Cindy Shelley
                       Kate's Friend  Carla Mendonca


Scene 1. The Flat.
------------------

[Eddie and Richie return from the pub.]

Richie:     I mean what happened there? I just don't understand it. I made
            all the right moves: I winked, I smiled -- one of my nice ones
            as well -- I sat down very nicely, leant forward, put on my
            special eyes and said "Hello big tits, looking for some
            action?" And what did she say?
Eddie:      I think she said no, didn't she?
Richie:     That's right! No. Blasted lesbians everywhere. They should have
            labels on them or something. I wasted half an hour on those
            two. Prancing up and down, winking, clenching me buttocks --
            backwards and forwards to the Gent's I was going. Look at this,
            look at this! I've got armfuls of gonad enhancers down here.

[He pulls a wad of toilet paper from his trousers.]

Eddie:      I don't think they were lesbians, Richie, 'cause they got off
            with those other blokes. Those, er, handsomer, wittier, erm,
            well basically those two guys who didn't have a load of toilet
            paper stuffed down their trousers.
Richie:     Yeah, well you hardly helped, did you? Stuffing a Vimto bottle
            down the front of your pants and shouting "Wahoo, looking for
            the Eiffel Tower girls?"
Eddie:      I got a result.
Richie:     I don't call a kick in the knackers a result.
Eddie:      A free drink!
Richie:     Oh yes, a kick in the knackers and a vodka and tonic in the
            face.
Eddie:      Always keep your mouth open when you're insulting a lady.
Richie:     What a waste of time. If only I could just get one of them to
            do it with me. I mean anybody. Just to do it with me. Just
            once. Just to find out what it's like.  [looks out of the
            window]  I mean look, look all around you. It's Friday night,
            and everywhere you look there's buildings full of people doing
            it. They're all doing it and doing it, and then stopping and
            having a fag and then doing it a bit more. There's not a single
            one of them saying "Hang on a minute. This really isn't fair. I
            mean, here's us doing it and doing it and doing it and there's
            poor old Richie and he hasn't done it. Ever. He hasn't got
            anyone to do it to. I'll tell you what, I'll pop down and do it
            to him for a bit, and then pop back up, would that be alright?"
            I mean it wouldn't hurt, would it? It'd be charitable. I mean,
            just think of all those acres and acres of ladies, all lying
            there saying "Go on darling, let's do it." And the blokes
            saying "Nah, I don't feel like doing it, the snooker's on."
            Well I could be filling in for him! Providing a service. I
            could even charge! Might make a bit of money.  [turns back,
            excited]  Hey Eddie, I've just thought of s-- What on earth are
            you eating?
Eddie:      Lard.
Richie:     You are eating... lard.
Eddie:      Yeah, I'm hungry, but I'm too drunk to cook.
Richie:     All right Eddie, I can feel the elbow in the ribs. Alright,
            I'll do one of my famous Friday night fryups. Chuck us a couple
            of eggs.

[Eddie throws across two eggs, which splash out of the frying pan.]

Richie:     Ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha haa, the old ones are the best ones,
            aren't they! Who needs girls when you've got your mates! I tell
            you, there's some things a girl just can't appreciate and
            Richie's Friday night fryup is one of them. Oil!

[Eddie is drinking from a bottle of oil. He replaces the lid and throws the
bottle to Richie.]

Eddie:      Ah! Mazola!
Richie:     Right then. A little dab of oil... The secret ingredient...

[He picks up a pan and starts to scrape out the contents.]

Richie:     Come on out, you know you want to! Come on, you've only been in
            there a week.
Eddie:      [taking a pint of beer from his jacket pocket]  Ha ha ha haaa!
Richie:     And then just the last couple of pints... Hoh!

[Richie has noticed some action going on in the house opposite. He takes a
pair of binoculars from a hook by the window. The couple notice him ogling
them.]

Richie:     Lovely night!

[He tosses the binoculars out of the window. A dog below barks. He turns
away from the window with a sigh.]

Richie:     Hit that dog again. But why doesn't anyone ever want to have
            any sex with me?
Eddie:      Well look on the bright side Richie, at least you're not going
            to get any sexually transmitted diseases.
Richie:     You're right there, I'd be lucky to catch flu off a girl. In
            fact that was the closest I ever got to sex when that bus
            conductress sneezed all over my head this morning. Gaw, talk
            about the Green Line! Oh Eddie. I'm just so depressed.
Eddie:      Aw, cheer up Richie, there's loads and loads of ugly birds in
            the world, one of them's bound to do it with you sooner or
            later.
Richie:     But there must be some way I can get a woman to sleep with me.
            I mean, she doesn't even need to sleep with me. It's the
            staying awake bit I'm interested in.
Eddie:      Hey! I've just had a fantastic idea!
Richie:     Oh great!  [waits while Eddie drinks his pint]  Well?
Eddie:      What?
Richie:     What was the fantastic idea?
Eddie:      To drink that. ...Only joking! Why not put an ad in the lonely
            hearts column?
Richie:     Yeah!
Eddie:      Yeah, yeah. "Ugly virgin desperately seeks sex of any
            description."
Richie:     That is absolutely brilliant! "Suave, sophisticated, witty"
            bababababa-aaaaaah! Let's just be economical with the truth.
            Um, something buck. Yeah, "Hot young buck".
Eddie:      What about "badger"?
Richie:     Nnnno, no, I'm more a sort of...
Eddie:      "Hedgehog".
Richie:     No, fox. That's good. No, that's good. No that is good.
Eddie:      "Stoat".
Richie:     Foxy stoat? Yeeaah! Yeah, its got a ring to it. "Foxy stoat
            seeks..."
Eddie:      "Pig"!
Richie:     "Foxy stoat seeks pig." Shut up Eddie! This is very important.
            Let's see now, foxy stoat... on the prowl... Rrrrrrrrr... I
            like that! Musky, musky fox, musky sly old foxy stoat, minky
            musky sly old stoaty stoaty stoat... Oh this is ridiculous! I'm
            not getting anywhere. What do they normally put?
Eddie:      Hang on, here we are. Sad old gits section. Sad old gits
            section. Did you hear what I said?
Richie:     Yes.
Eddie:      I said "Sad old gits section."
Richie:     Please, I've only got so many ribs, Noel Coward. What do they
            normally put?
Eddie:      Well he's not going to get very far, is he? "Gay."
Richie:     Don't knock it Eddie, cuts down the field for guys like us.
            Right, let's have a look at this. "Gay... gay gay gay gay gay
            gay widow ga--" aah, widow!  [licks lips]  "Widow. Busty,
            raven-haired, millionairess, gay." Gay, gay -- hang on Eddie,
            this is the gay section! Well u-- urhh, what's this? "Instant
            Sex Appeal". You can get it in a bottle.
Eddie:      Let's have a look.

[Eddie gets up, stumbling around the room behind Richie.]

Richie:     "Pheromone sex scent. Women cannot resist this powerful love
            smell. Scientifically distilled from mystical African orchids."
            Wow! Oh look, it's medically proven. "This stuff attracts women
            like you would not believe -- Karachi Medical Gazette.
            Available at all good sex shops." This is it Eddie -- Girl City
            here we come! What do you think old chum?

[Eddie throws up on Richie's shoulder. The cooker explodes.]

Richie:     Nil desparandum!


Scene 2. A Sex Shop.
--------------------

[Richie is lurking outside the door; he pushes Eddie into the shop.]

Richie:     Go on. Go on!
Assistant:  Can I help you sir?
Eddie:      Hhhh, hhhhhhhh! This is a sex shop isn't it?
Assistant:  Yes.
Eddie:      I'll have five quid's worth then!
Assistant:  Very droll, sir. I've never heard that one before.
Eddie:      Haven't you? Shall I tell it again?
Assistant:  No thank you sir, I'd rather have a pineapple inserted
            violently into my rectum.
Eddie:      You've been working here too long mate.
Richie:     [hissing, from the door]  Get some pheromone, get the
            pheromone.
Assistant:  Can I help you, sir?
Richie:     No.
Assistant:  Do you wish to purchase anything to assist you with your sex
            life?
Richie:     What are you implying? That I'm some sort of sexual inadequate?
            I have a very full and rich and varied sex life, thank you very
            much. I don't need anything from a shop like this!
Assistant:  Would you get out then sir?
Richie:     No.
Assistant:  Why not?
Richie:     It's a secret.

[He gestures urgently to Eddie.]

Eddie:      [to Richie]  Okay.  [quietly]  Hhhm, two bottles of pheromone
            please.
Assistant:  Pardon?
Eddie:      Hhhhhhhhh, two bottles of pheromone please.
Assistant:  Pheromone! Oh yes, that's the sex spray for inadequate men who
            find it impossible to attract women?
Eddie:      That's the one, yes.
Assistant:  [to Richie]  Isn't it, sir?
Richie:     Ah, I've got no idea, not being a pervert I'm not up on these
            things.
Assistant:  Your sex spray gentlemen!
Eddie:      Hh, hhh, I've got it!
Richie:     Fantastic, give me mine! Let's go! Er, I mean, well done
            Doctor...
Eddie:      I'm not a doctor!
Richie:     Shut up. We are men of science!

[He discovers that his hand is clasping a huge dildo. He jumps back.]

Richie:     We live our lives on a higher plane than you do, buster! Where
            truth and purity and virginity are the only things we respect!
Eddie:      That's right Richie. Let's get back to the flat, bung a bit of
            this on, get down the pub and see if we can pick up some birds!
Richie:     Yeah!

[They leave. Richie gets tangled up in a leather harness.]

Richie:     Urgh, urgh, urg, urgh... whoarrgh!


Scene 3. The Flat.
------------------

[Eddie is in the bathroom, practicing in the mirror.]

Eddie:      Hello baby. Feeling mysteriously drawn to me are you? Well
            don't you worry -- you can have me whenever you like! Ll-ll-ll-
            ll-ll-ll--

[Eddie flaps his tongue at the mirror but suddenly stops, having noticed
something. He pulls his tongue out further, covers it with shaving foam and
shaves it.]

Richie:     Ungh, blast these underpants! Argh! I've been soaking them for
            hours and I still can't get them off. You know I've only got
            one pair of pants?
Eddie:      Yeah.
Richie:     Well the elastic went so I had to glue them on.
Eddie:      Have you tried Swarfega?
Richie:     Get out of it mate, this is Eterno-Gum! Nothing'll shift this!
            I've been sitting in a bowl of petrol for the last two hours. I
            tell you, I'm a walking time-bomb I am -- one curry and I'll
            blow, and I'll take half the street with me as well.
Eddie:      Oh, don't you worry Richie. Within the hour some pheromone-
            crazed love goddess'll be ripping them off with her teeth.
Richie:     Haahh, do you really think so?
Eddie:      No doubt about it!
Richie:     Ohh, God! I wonder what she'll find down there? I've had them
            on for three weeks. What am I doing here? Oh yes, where's that
            biro? Right, chest hair. What do you think, curly or straight?
            Curly's a bit suggestive, don't you think?
Eddie:      Yeah, I'd go for curly.
Richie:     Yeah, hwoorh. Curly it is.  [drawing hairs on his chest]  Curly
            wurly wurly...
Eddie:      I'm not so sure about the green though.
Richie:     I know, but I used up all the black on me legs. Oh-oh. Nose
            hair.  [clicks his fingers twice]  Tweezers!
Eddie:      What do you mean,  [click, click]  tweezers? We've never had
            any tweezers.
Richie:     Well get some  [click, click]  pliers then. Huh, it doesn't
            matter how much pheromone I put on, if some bird sees that
            coming at her out of the dark she's likely to pull on it and
            expect the butler to come in.
Eddie:      [returning with the pliers]  There. Here we go. Which one is
            it?
Richie:     Third one on the left.

[There is a loud crunch as he closes the pliers on Richie's nostrils.]

Eddie:      Brace yourself...
Richie:     Yes?
Eddie:      ...because this might make your eyes water.

[Eddie starts to pull, swinging Richie around from side to side, bracing
himself with a foot in order to pull harder. Richie is in some discomfort
and eventually manages to punch Eddie away.]

Richie:     Bastard!

[Richie pulls the bathroom cabinet off the wall and smashes it over Eddie's
head. Eddie punches Richie, sending him flying through the bathroom door.
He follows him and starts lining up a huge punch.]

Richie:     Oh, uh, no, Eddie, no, this is stupid!
Eddie:      Yes?
Richie:     Look, we're going out tonight, to get some fantastic birds!
            Remember? We don't have to take out our frustrations on each
            other, we can take them out on them! Okay?
Eddie:      Okay.
Richie:     Okay. Come on, let's shake and make up.
Both:       [shaking their bodies]  Brrrrr.  [miming applying make-up]  Mm
            mm mm... Great gag!

[They walk into the living-room.]

Eddie:      Yeah, that's right Richie, our crumpet-free days are over.
            Listen to this. "Spray liberally...
Richie:     Yeah?
Eddie:      ...Go to a place with lots of females...
Richie:     Yeah?
Eddie:      ...and brace yourself."
Richie:     Gawww! Hahhh. How much do you think we should put on?
Eddie:      Well, I've already put on half a bottle.
Richie:     What! Half a bottle? Are you insane? You'll be dead by morning.
            Death by Sex. You'll just be lying there and they'll be doing
            it to you and doing it to you and doing it to you until -- I
            think I'll put on half a bottle as well!  [spraying]  Ah, a
            little bit there, little bit there, little bit there just in
            case... ooh! Right. Where's that packet of rubber johnnies we
            used to have?
Eddie:      We stuck them on our heads, remember, when Norman came round
            with that sherry.
Richie:     Great days they were, great days. Ah well, not to worry --
            let's get some more down the pub.


Scene 4. The Pub.
-----------------

[There is a terrific barking of dogs. Richie and Eddie enter, forcing the
door shut behind them.]

Richie:     Blimey, when it said "female" I didn't expect the term to be so
            broad. Hah... right... here we are.  [sprays himself]  Here we
            go -- Death by Sex, Part One. Right, come on.
Eddie:      Look at that crackling bit of crumpet!
Richie:     Right. That one's got my number on it. I'll see you later old
            pal, I'm going in.
Eddie:      Okay, good luck skipper.

[Richie lifts his arm and wafts his armpit past the woman a few times. She
doesn't notice. He flaps the front of his jacket at her.]

Richie:     ...Yes... Give in... Give in to your cravings...
Woman:      I beg your pardon?
Richie:     Do as you are bid. You cannot help yourself... Come back to my
            place because we're going to have it off...

[The woman's husband appears behind Richie. He is a large, tough-looking
man.]

Tough:      What d'you think you're doing with my wife?
Eddie:      He's gonna have it off with her!
Tough:      I don't think he is.

[He takes a good grip on Richie's crutch and twists. Crunch.]

Tough:      ...I don't think he's capable any more.
Woman:      No! Darling don't hurt them. I think it's shocking they send
            them back into the community so soon...
Richie:     Yes, that's right! We're mere loonies, we mean no harm!  Hoo-
            hoo-hoo-hoooo!  [gestures to Eddie to join in]  Hoo-hoo-hoo,
            "Come back to my place, we're going to have it off" -- ahhahha
            I'm mad! Ahhahahah -- you see Eddie, it works!
Eddie:      Did it?
Richie:     Of course it did! If it hadn't been for that gorilla I would
            have been well away... 
Eddie:      Pwwoooargh!
Richie:     Did you see her -- she was mesmerised! And I'll tell you
            what... 
Eddie:      What?
Richie:     It's loosened up my pants a bit too.
Eddie:      Well, this is your lucky day!
Richie:     You're not wrong there. Come on -- we'll get the drinks in and
            then we'll prrrrrowl. Grrrrrr. Landlord!  [clicks his fingers]
            Two halves of mild please.
Eddie:      In pint glasses.
Landlord:   Certainly Eddie, and how are we today?
Eddie:      Yep.

[Eddie sprays the air in front of him.]

Landlord:   Fwoorh, smells like the drains have gone in here.
Eddie:      Cor, look at those couple of stunners down there.
Richie:     Whoh, whoh, whoh... Do you think they're starbirds?
Eddie:      Yeah, bound to be mate. Either that or... topless models.
Richie:     Look at the way they're sitting! Screaming for it! They want to
            have it off with someone.
Landlord:   Ah, that'll be one pound sixty please gents.
Eddie:      Yeah, cheers, just stick it on the slate Dick.
Landlord:   Ah, you haven't got a slate.
Eddie:      Yes we have!
Landlord:   No you haven't.
Eddie:      I demand to see the landlord!
Landlord:   I am the landlord.
Eddie:      I know!
Landlord:   We have this conversation every night. One pound sixty.
Richie:     All right, there you are. Vampire!
Eddie:      Leech!
Richie:     Bloodsucker!
Eddie:      Parasite!
Richie:     Usurer!
Landlord:   Shut up.
Eddie:      It's always worth a try.
Richie:     Absolutely. Speaking of which, let the tournament commence.

[Richie walks behind one of the women, spraying some pheromone. He flaps
his coat at her. He gets no response and plucks at her shoulder.]

Richie:     Excuse me, excuse me!

[Now Richie has her attention, he flaps his coat again and then waves his
tie in her face.]

Kate:       Is there something wrong?
Richie:     No, there's everything right... my love.

[Eddie points at the other girl.]

Eddie:      Is that one mine?
Richie:     Yes, that's your bird.
Eddie:      Right, we'd better get started then.

[He sprays the girl in the face.]

Eddie:      Right, so what's it to be then -- mild or bitter?
Richie:     Or straight back to our place?
Kate:       I'm sorry, look we really don't want a drink.
Richie:     I think you do.

[Richie sprays his armpit and thrusts it in her face.]

Richie:     Are you sure?
Kate:       Oh alright, if you must I'll have a Coke.
Richie:     Bingo! It bloody works! Eddie, you get the drinks in. I'll keep
            the birds white hot.
Eddie:      Okay.
Richie:     So, little baby. What might your little name be today?
Kate:       My little name's Kate today, same as it was yesterday.
Richie:     Hahahahahaaa. I say, what a lovely blouse. It's very special
            isn't it? Do you often wear blouses? Or sometimes do you wear a
            jumper? I suppose it depends on the weather really doesn't it?
            I, I sometimes wear a jumper. There again, sometimes I wear a
            cardie. Tell me, do you like to take people's underpants off
            with your teeth?
Landlord:   You haven't got a slate.
Eddie:      Extortionate parasite!
Landlord:   Shut up.
Eddie:      Here we go.
Richie:     I suppose if you're wearing dentures...
Eddie:      Hey, here's a good one. Anyone fancy a quick gander at the
            Eiffel Tower?
Richie:     Oh, this is frightfully funny -- no it's not! Eddie! No! No!
            Don't do that, because I think it's time to go to the toilet.
            Eddie, wouldn't you like to come to the toilet with me?
Eddie:      No... I wouldn't?

[Richie mimes putting money into a machine, getting a condom out,
stretching it between his fingers, unrolling the condom over his head,
pulling it tight, rolling it back off again. Eddie, not understanding,
repeats the stretching gesture. In desperation Richie gestures, poking his
finger through the circle formed by the finger and thumb of his other hand;
the girls notice and he opens his hand, pretending to rub some dirt off
it.]

Eddie:      I get it! Johnnies!

[Richie runs away, heading for the toilet.]

Eddie:      Shan't be a moment girls, I'm desperate to go. Ahh, keep
            yourselves hot, we shall be but a moment. Adieu, adieu... to
            yeu and yeu and yeu...
Richie:     Edward Hitler, will you get into the lavatory with me this
            instant!

[Eddie goes in. Richie notices the rest of the pub watching.]

Richie:     We're... toilet inspectors.


Scene 5. The Gent's Toilet.
---------------------------

[Eddie takes a look out of the door.]

Eddie:      The coast is clear!
Richie:     Right, let's go! Oh, nadgers -- what kind do you want?
Eddie:      Rubber ones.
Richie:     Yeah, but there's, there's ribbed, there's ticklers and there's
            ultra-sensitive.
Eddie:      Ripped?
Richie:     Yeah.
Eddie:      Who's gonna want a ripped condom?
Richie:     Ah, it must be for people who want to get pregnant. Well, I
            don't think ultra-sensitive's our style, do you?
Eddie:      Nahhh.
Richie:     Right then, tickler it is! Oh, nadgers -- what colour?
Eddie:      What have they got?
Richie:     There's black, there's gold, there's Union Jack or there's
            leopard-skin.
Eddie:      Which d'you think is the most romantic?
Richie:     Well, Union Jack of course.
Eddie:      Well, Union Jack tickler then.
Richie:     Okey-dokey. Oh, nadgers -- what flavour?
Eddie:      Flavour?
Richie:     Yeah, there's banana, strawberry, peanut butter, Marmite or
            cheese and onion.
Eddie:      Well, everyone likes cheese and onion don't they?
Richie:     Of course they do. Okey-dokey then. Cheese and onion flavour
            Union Jack tickler it is. Bagsy me first go with it.
Eddie:      No, no, no. Get two.
Richie:     Get two?
Eddie:      Yeah.
Richie:     Wild man!

[Richie feeds some money into the machine and presses the relevant buttons.
Nothing happens. He hits the machine a few times.]

Richie:     Bastard! Bastard! Give me my rubber johnnies!
Eddie:      Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. I'm the DIY expert. Right,
            let's have a look at the little fella. Hah... Yeah, I think I
            see the problem.
Richie:     What is it?

[Eddie hits the machine, too hard, and doubles up in pain.]

Eddie:      Hwarg-- ooh! Ahh, ahhg, ahhg!
Richie:     Eddie!

[Richie starts hitting the machine.]

Richie:     Give me my johnnies, give me my johnnies!
Eddie:      Ow!
Richie:     There's two birds out there in the bar who're just screaming
            for it! Give me my johnnies!

[The tough man from the bar walks into the toilet, behind Richie. Eddie
plucks at Richie's arm, trying to warn him.]

Richie:     Get off, Eddie! Give me my johnnies! I just want to do it and
            do it and do it to those two birds at the bar -- ah, ah...
Tough:      You wanna what?
Eddie:      Um, he, he, he wants to do it and do it and do it to those two
            birds at the bar.
Richie:     Haahaa...

[The tough punches him. Richie crashes back against the machine, which
starts to spew out packets of condoms.]

Richie:     Ooh! Eddie! Look! More johnnies than it's humanly possible to
            use in a week!
Eddie:      Grreat!

[Eddie opens his mouth and gives himself a massive blast of pheromone.]

Richie:     Come on, that should do for a week. Let's go out there before
            our two crumpets go off the boil.


Scene 6. The Pub.
-----------------

[Richie and Eddie enter from the toilet.]

Richie:     Oh no! Someone's nicked our birds!
Eddie:      Come on Richie, let me at them! I'm a sex typhoon! Hello, baby!
Richie:     Eddie, Eddie, calm down. That's a chair.
Eddie:      Yeah, it's a bit of all right isn't it?
Richie:     Eddie, calm down, someone's nicked our crumpets. Oh no, there
            they are...

[Eddie begins pawing the tough man, who is standing at the bar with his
wife. Richie notices just in time.]

Eddie:      Hwor, hwor, hworrrrgh...
Richie:     Eddie, no! Wrong one! Ha ha  hoo-hoo-hoooo!

[They arrive at the table where the two women are now sitting.]

Richie:     Ha ha ha ha ha-ha! Oh. So you've moved tables. Of course, how
            silly of me. It's much more romantic in a booth, isn't it
            birds?
Kate:       Look, I'm sorry, but we're having a private conversation.
Richie:     That's all right, you just carry on, we'll sit here and listen.
            But you'd better hurry up -- we haven't got all night.
Kate's Friend:
            No, I'm sorry, we'd really rather be on our own.
Richie:     Oh. Oooh. Ah ha ha ha-ha. Trying to decide which one of us to
            have, are you? Well before you decide let me tell you that, ah,
            "Tiny" Eddie here and... I... h-hmm... share the same flat so
            don't worry, you'll both be waking up in the same house.
Eddie:      Have me. Have me, I'm a Love Albatross!

[Eddie falls off his chair and slips down under the table.]

Richie:     Ah-ha ha ha ha ha. Yes. Although, if you play your cards right,
            you could both wind up sleeping in the same... bed.
Kate:       I'm sorry. You've got the wrong idea. We're really not
            interested. Besides which, we're lesbians.
Richie:     Well, you'd be used to it then won't -- you what!
Kate:       We're lesbians.
Richie:     Yes, I know what you said! Is this some sort of joke? Because
            if it is I don't think it's very funny.
Friend:     Come on Kate, let's go.
Richie:     Wait a minute! You just sit down there young lady. I bought you
            a Coca-Cola in good faith. That's eighty pence you've
            hoodwinked out of me. Eighty pence. When I said "Hello my
            darling, would you like a Coca-Cola?" did you say "No thank
            you, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm a lesbian"? No, you didn't,
            not a bit of it. You said "Thank you very much, that'd be
            lovely".
Kate:       No I didn't, I said "Oh all right, if you must".
Richie:     All right, all right, there's no need to be so pedantic. The
            fact is you owe me eighty pence.
Kate:       What d'you mean?
Richie:     Well you're not going to sleep with me are you?
Kate:       Right, there's your eighty pence. Come on, let's go.
Richie:     What, you're going? No, wait, wait, wait, this is silly, this
            is so silly. Ha-ha, look, look, hah, look, I'm terribly sorr--
            look, what the hell! Let's waive the eighty pence. You know,
            it's Saturday night! Who cares? Look, look, okay, I'm sorry. I
            have been terribly intolerant. It's not your fault that you're
            lesbians. Look, please, give me one more chance. Come back to
            my place -- and I'll cure you.

[The women push past Richie and leave. Richie calls to them through the
open door.]

Richie:     What did I say? No, no don't go! Please! I've got the same
            ideas about women as you have! I've got loads of magazines at
            home! You can come back with me and we'll all read them
            together! I've got every mail order catalogue since 1983! And
            they just flop open at the lingerie pages! Hey, no, wait, wait,
            I've even taped the "Clothes Show" special on beachwear! We
            could take all our clothes off and watch them in our pants!

[Richie notices the silence, the rest of the pub looking at him, hanging on
every word.]

Richie:     Yes, is there something wrong?

[The background chatter of the pub returns. Richie walks back into the pub
and puts his coat on with a sigh.]

Richie:     Ruined Saturday night. Oh well, may as well have another drink.
            Landlord, I shall have a large --
Landlord:   Time gentlemen please!
Richie:     You are a cu--
Landlord:   Out!
Eddie:      Hi baby. Cor, you smell great! Let's do it!
Richie:     Eddie, get a grip!
Eddie:      Lovely, aren't you? Lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely.
Richie:     Eddie, no!
Eddie:      Richie, yes!
Richie:     Huuhh... Right, I'm off!

[Richie speeds out of the door. There is a terrible commotion of dogs
barking. He returns, panting.]

Eddie:      Changed your mind have you dearie? Well, come on then. Plant a
            big one right on me kisser!
Richie:     Uurrrgh. Urgh, urgh.

[Richie advances towards Eddie, expressions of distaste and disgust
crossing his face. When he gets close enough he lets fly a massive punch.
The screen freezes just after it lands. The credits roll.]


     Transcription James Kew <j.kew@ic.ac.uk>. Last revised July 1994.

       "Bottom -- The Scripts", a BBC book, contains full scripts to
     Series One, including many lines that were cut for transmission.
          Series One and Series Two are available on BBC videos.
