From: glazier@isr.harvard.edu (Andrew Baker Glazier)
Date: 22 Jan 93 21:13:39 GMT
Newsgroups: alt.quotations
Subject: Norm (Cheers) Quotes List

\LISTS\NORMISMS


Here is a list I came across a while back.  Enjoy the timeless
wisdom of Norm.

The Normisms file, Version 1.3.

    Maintained by rjc@math.princeton.edu (Raymond Chen).  Please
    do not distributed modified versions of this file.  This      
    header may not be deleted.

In chronological order:

The Coach's Daughter:

    Norm:  Gentlemen, start your taps.

Any Friend of Diane's:

    Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
    Norm:  Like it caught me in bed with his wife.

Friends, Romans, and Accountants:

    Coach: How's life, Norm?
    Norm:  Not for the squeamish, Coach.

Truce or Consequences:

    Coach: How's it going, Norm?
    Norm:  Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.

Coach Returns to Action:

    Sam:   What's up, Norm?
    Norm:  My nipples.  It's freezing out there.

Endless Slumper:

    Coach: What's the story, Norm?
    Norm:  Thirsty guy walks into a bar.  You finish it.

The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One:

    Sam:  What's new, Norm?
    Norm: Most of my wife.

Now Pitching, Sam Malone

    Coach: Beer, Norm?
    Norm:  Naah, I'd probably just drink it.


Let Me Count the Ways:

    Coach: What's doing, Norm?
    Norm:  Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst.  I happen
     to be the guinea pig.

No Help Wanted:

    Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
    Norm:  No, I know what they look like.  Just pour me one.

    Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
    Norm:  Hey I'm high on life, Coach.  Of course, beer is my
     life.

Fortune and Men's Weights:

    Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
    Norm:  I dunno.  I usually finish them before they get a word
     in.

    Coach: What's up, Norm?
    Norm:  Corners of my mouth, Coach.

Snow Job:

    Coach:  What's shaking, Norm?
    Norm:   All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.

    Coach:  Beer, Normie?
    Norm:   Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
            Eh, why not, I'm still young.

Norman's Conquest:

    [Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
    Coach:  Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
    Norm:   With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.

I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2):

    Coach:  What's up, Normie?
    Norm:   The temperature under my collar, Coach.

Diane Meets Mom:

    Coach:  What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
    Norm:   Going down?

    [Norm returns from the hospital.]
    Coach:  What's up, Norm?
    Norm:   Everything that's supposed to be.


Peterson Crusoe:

    [Norm comes in, depressed.  He just stands by the door with a
     sullen face.]
    Norm:   [mutters] Afternoon, everybody.
    All:    Norm?  (Norman?)

The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter:

    Sam:  What's new, Normie?
    Norm: Terrorists, Sam.  They've taken over my stomach.
          They're demanding beer.

King of the Hill:

    Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
    Norm:  Just the usual, Coach.  I'll have a froth of beer and
     a snorkel.

The Mail Goes to Jail:

    Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
    Norm:  Daddy wuvs you.

Behind Every Great Man:

    Sam:  What'd you like, Normie?
    Norm: A reason to live.  Gimme another beer.

    Norm:  Afternoon, everybody.
    All:   Norm!
    Cliff: Afternoon, everybody.
    All:   [silence]

The Executive's Executioner:

    Sam:  What will you have, Norm?
    Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy.  I'll take a glass
     of whatever comes out of that tap.
    Sam:  Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
    Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.

Birth, Death, Love and Rice:

    Sam:  What do you say, Norm?
    Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.

Woody Goes Belly Up:

    Sam:  What do you say to a beer, Normie?
    Norm: Hiya, sailor.  New in town?



Diane's Nightmare:

    Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
    All:  Norm!  (Norman.)
    Sam:  Still pouring, Norm?
    Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.

I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday:

    Sam:   What's the good word, Norm?
    Norm:  Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
    Sam:   Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
    Norm:  Yeah, yeah, yeah...
    Sam:   One heartburn cocktail coming up.

Love Thy Neighbor:

    Sam:   Whaddya say, Norm?
    Norm:  Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink.  And down it
     goes.

From Beer to Eternity:

    [Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama]
    Off-screen crowd:  Norm!
    Sam:   How the hell do they know him here?
    Cliff: He's got a life, you know.

The Bar Stoolie:

    Woody:  What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
    Norm:   Boxer shorts and loose shoes.  But I'll settle for a
     beer.

The Triangle:

    Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
    Norm:  Elope with my wife.

    [Norm is angry.]
    Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
    Norm:  Clifford Clavin's head.

Take My Shirt... Please?

    Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
    Norm:  Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.

The Peterson Principle:

    Sam:  Hey, what's happening, Norm?
    Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
          and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.

Diane Chambers Day:

    Sam:  How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
    Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.

Strange Bedfellows, Part 1:

    Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
    Norm:  The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?

Strange Bedfellows, Part 2:

    Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
    Norm:  My cheeks on this barstool.

    Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
    Norm:  Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
           Eh, make that one-thirty.

Strange Bedfellows, Part 3:

    Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
    Norm:  Poor.
    Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
    Norm:  No, I meant `pour'.

The Proposal:

    Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
    Norm:  Boy meets beer.  Boy drinks beer.  Boy gets another
beer.

Tan 'n Wash:

    Paul:  Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
    Norm:  Like a baby treats a diaper.

    Norm:  Hey, everybody.
    All:   [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich]
    Norm:  [carries on both sides of the conversation himself]
           Norm!   (Norman.)
           How are you feeling today, Norm?
           Rich and thirsty.  Pour me a beer.

Knights of the Scimitar:

    Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
    Norm:  Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
           Film at eleven.





Chambers vs. Malone:

    Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
    Norm:  Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be
     better.

Norm's Last Hurrah:

    Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
    Norm:  See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.

    Sam:   Well, look at you.  You look like the cat that
     swallowed the canary.
    Norm:  And I need a beer to wash him down.

Home is the Sailor: [the bar is completely different, since Sam
went sailing around the world and sold the bar]

    Norm:  Afternoon, everybody.
    Woody: Norm!  [nobody else in the bar says anything]
    Norm:  That was it, Woody.  Last chance.  I'm out of here.

    Norm:     [comes in, pretending to be Joe Average customer,
               as part of operation Wayne Down the Dwain]
              This looks like a nice, friendly tavern.  What the
               heck, I think I'll give it a chance.
    Customer: Norm!
    Norm:     Not now, you idiot!


Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2:

    Woody:  Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
    Norm:   No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.

Paint Your Office:

    Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
    Norm:  Let's talk about what's going <in> Mr. Peterson.  A
     beer, Woody.

A Kiss is Still a Kiss:

    Sam:  How's life treating you?
    Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.

Let Sleeping Drakes Lie:

    Woody:  Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
    Norm:   A little early, isn't it Woody?
    Woody:  For a beer?
    Norm:   No, for stupid questions.


Airport V:

    Woody:  What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
    Norm:   The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
            Let's just cut to the happy ending.

One Happy Chappy in a Snappy Serape, Part 2:

    Pepe:  [something in Spanish]

Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back:

    Woody:  Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for
          you.
    Norm:   I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.

Don't Paint Your Chickens:

    Sam:  Beer, Norm?
    Norm: Have I gotten that predictable?  Good.

Call Me, Irresponsible:

    Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
    Norm:  A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer
     here.''

The Two Faces of Norm:

    [Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
    Norm:  Afternoon, everybody!
    All:   Anton!

Two Girls for Every Boyd:

    Sam:  What can I get you, Norm?
    Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder?
          Ah, just kidding.  Gimme a beer; I think I'll just
     drown the little suckers.

Feeble Attraction:

    Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
    Norm:  Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?

Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh:

    Sam:  What are you up to Norm?
    Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.





Loverboyd:

    Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
    Norm:  You mean, `Nice cold beer going <down> Mr. Peterson.'

    Sam:   What do you know there, Norm?
    Norm:  How to sit.  How to drink.  Want to quiz me?

    Sam:   Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
    Norm:  Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.

    Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
    Norm:  Pretty nervous if I was in the room.

Breaking In Is Hard to Do:

    Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
    Norm:  The warranty on my liver.

    [Norm returns from another trip to plug the parking meter]
    Sam:  What'll you have this time, Norm?
    Norm: A cow if I have to climb those stairs one more time.

    [The Cranes are concerned that Frederick has yet to say his
     first word.]
    Norm:      Afternoon, everybody.
    Frederick: Norm!
    Lilith:    He said Mommy!

Bad Neighbor Sam:

    [The bar clientele has turned yuppie.]
    Bradley:  Ciao, gang!
    All:      Bradley!

Veggie-Boyd:

    Sam:  What can I do for you, Norm?
    Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.

It's a Wonderful Wife:

    Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
    Norm:  Another layer for the winter, Wood.

The Norm Who Came to Dinner:

    Sam: [answers the phone]  Cheers!  ... [to gang] Hey guys,
     it's Norm.
         [holds up the receiver]
    All: Norm!
    Sam: [to phone] Hey, what's shakin' man? [chuckles]
         [to gang]  Where does he come up with these things?

Where Have All the Floorboards Gone:

    Sam:  What's going on, Normie?
    Norm: My birthday, Sammy.  Give me a beer, stick a candle in
     it, and I'll blow out my liver.

Head Over Hill:

    Woody: Hey, Mr. P.  How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
    Norm:  Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
           Found him every couple of blocks.

---

Not yet categorized:

"How about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things
about it!"



-- 
"A horse! A horse! Somebody give me a horse, man, because|glazier@ 
I come to bury this dirtball, not to praise him. Whaddya |harvard.isr.edu
think I am? Whether it's nobler for the mind to make people suffer with all
these totally outrageous arrows arrows for a fortune, or what!" -- D.R.

