cat script.nyc


            The Rocky Horror Picture Show 
            ============================= 
  
  
  
            [ Props: (in some sort of order) 
                     Rice 
                     Bouquet (opt) 
                     Rings (opt) 
                     Newspaper (pref. Plain Dealer) 
                     Water (squirt gun, or whatever) 
                     Matches (failing which, another source of light) 
                     Doughnuts (opt) 
                     Rubber Gloves (opt) 
                     Noisemaker 
                     Confetti (torn newpapers will suffice) 
                     Toilet Paper (pref. Scott) 
                     Toast 
                     Party Hat 
                     Bell 
                     Frankfurters (opt) 
                     Sponges (opt) 
                     Cards 
                     Paper Airplanes 
  
              General Information: 
          Audience instructions are in square brackets.  Text in  
quotes is to be shouted.  The instruction 'Echo' indicates that the  
following line is to be shouted in unison with the film.  
  
          Whenever Brad appears, or, especially, introduces himself, 
the line "Asshole!" is appropriate.  With more discretion, the line 
"Slut!" is appropriate to Janet.  Whenever the Narrator (Charles  
Gray) appears, the following lines and variants are appropriate: "He's  
got no neck!"; "Bo-ring!"; "Charles Gray, he's O.K.!".  Dr. Scott may be  
booed.

           Note:  all audience lines are taken from the New York ones 
-- 8th Street Playhouse and Eastside Cinema -- with the exception of 
a very few of them. --Tina M.]

            SCIENCE FICTION/DOUBLE FEATURE 
  
    [at opening bars of music,  
    "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, God said, 'Let there be  
     Lips', and they were.  And they were good."]  

Usherette(lips): Michael Rennie was ill 
            The Day the Earth Stood still 
            But he told us where we stand.  ["On our feet!"] 
            And Flash Gordon was there 
            In silver [echo: "purple"] underwear, ["Pervert!"]
            Claude Rains was the Invisible Man. 
            ["Outta sight!"]
            Then something went wrong 
            For Fay Wray and King Kong; 
            They got caught in a celluloid jam. ["Yay jam!"]
            Then at a deadly pace 
            It Came From... ["where?"] Outer Space. ["Thank you!"]
            And this is how the message ran: 
            ["Freeze!"] 
  
Chorus:     Science fiction, double feature 
            Doctor X will build a creature. 
            See androids fighting ["And fucking and sucking on"] 
            Brad and Janet 
            Anne Francis stars in ["Deep Throat and"] Forbidden Planet 
            Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh 
            At the late night, double feature, picture show. 

[at Charles Gray's name: "That man has no fucking neck!"]  
[credits: ad-libs of "Asshole" and "Slut" at Brad and Janet's names;
at Peter Suschitsky's: "What the fuck's a Suschitsky?" --"Polish
diarrhea!"; at Jim Sharman: "Don't squeeze the Charmin!"; at Sue
Blane: "Sue's to Blane" or "Don't Blane Sue!"; point at 'Richard
Pointing'...etc.] 

Usherette(lips): I knew Leo G. Carrol 
            Was over [echo: "fucking"] a barrel 
            When Tarantula took to the hills. ["Lick it!"] 
            And I really got hot 
            When I saw Jeanette Scott  [echo: "Janet's twat"]
            Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.
            ["What the fuck is a triffid?"]
            Dana Andrews said Prunes 
            Gave him the runes [Echo: "...shits"]
            And passing them used lots of skills. ["Yay skills!"]
            But When Worlds Collide,   [clap hands, "Boom!"] 
            Said George Powell to his bride, 
            "I'm gonna give you some terrible [echo "sexual"] thrills," 
            Like a... 
            [("X-ray!")] 
  
Chorus:     Science fiction, double feature 
            Doctor X will build a creature. 
            See androids fighting ["And fucking and sucking on..."] 
            Brad and Janet 
            Anne Francis stars in ["Deep Throat and"] Forbidden Planet 
            Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh 
            At the late night, double feature, picture show. 
  
            I wanna go 
            Oh Oh Oh 
            To the late night double feature picture show, 
            By RKO,  ["R-K-Who?"]
            Oh Oh Oh 
            To the late night double feature picture show, 
            ["Where's the best place to fuck?"]
            In the back row, ["Fuck the Back Row!" Back row: "Fuck the 
                               front row!"  Front row: "We fucked you first!"]
            Oh Oh Oh 
            To the late night, double feature, picture show! 
 
Dentonian:  Here they come! (Dentonians cheer and throw rice) [throw RICE] 
  
Photographer: Let's get a picture.  Close together now.  The parents and 
            then the grandparents. Just of the close family.  Ahhh, 
            hold that.  Beautiful.  And... (snap) 
  
Ralph:      I guess we really did it, huh. ["Hit him!  Hit him back!"]
  
Brad:       I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Betty have 
            been almost inseparable since you met in Dr. Scott's refresher 
            courses. 
  
Ralph:      Well to tell you the truth, Brad, that's the only reason I 
            showed up in the first place. (chuckles) 
  
Betty:      O.K. you guys, this is it. (everyone screams) 
  
Ralph:      Well Betty's going to throw the bouquet.  [throw BOUQUET] 
  
Janet:      ["Hey, Janet, do you have syph?"] I got it!  I got it! 
  
Ralph:      Hey big fella,["How would you know?"] looks like it could be 
            your turn next, eh? 
  
Brad:       Who knows. ["The Shadow knows!"] 
  
Ralph:      Well, so long, see you Brad.  ["See ya, sucker!"]  
            Guess we better get get going now Betty. 
            Come on, hop in.  (they drive away) 

["Think about it Asshole...this finger smells like Janet."]

[read sign: "Be just and fear not.  Be stoned and feel not!"] 

[When couple is seen running after the car: "Aw, shit, missed the bus 
 again!"]

Janet:      Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful? ["No"]  Didn't Betty look radiantly 
            beautiful?  ["No"]  I can't believe it.  An hour ago she was 
            just plain old Betty Monroe, and now...["Now she's a slut"] now 
            she's Mrs. Ralph Hapshatt.     (sigh) 
            ["Hapshit, will travel!"]
  
Brad:       Yes Janet, Ralph is a lucky guy. ["No he's not, she's got syph."]
  
Janet:      Yes. 
  
Dentonian:  I always cry at weddings.  ["I always laugh at funerals!"] 

Brad:       Everyone knows that Betty is a wonderful little cook. 
            ["She's the hottest baked potato in Denton...yay Denton!  The
            home of happiness.  What's a sign doing in a graveyard?  
            Advertising!  Hey, that sign has a heart-on!"]

Janet:      Yes. 

Brad:       Why Ralph himself, he'll be up for a promotion in a year or two. 
            ["If he doesn't get busted first!"] 

Janet:      Yes. 

            DAMMIT JANET 

Brad:       Hey Janet.  ["Sit on my face and wiggle!"]

Janet:      Yes Brad? 

Brad:       I've got something to say. 
  
Janet:      Uh huh. 

            ["Say it, Asshole!"] 

Brad:       I really love the... ["Starts with an S...sku...sku..."] skillful 
            way ["What a fuckin' genius!"]... you beat the other girls... 
            ["With whips and chains"] to the bride's bouquet. ["And
            that too."] 

Janet:      Oh Brad. 

            [audience echoes 'Janet's, 'Oh Brad's, 'Dammit, Janet's, and 'Brad 
            I'm Mad'] 

Brad:       The river was deep but I swam it. (Janet) 
            The future is ours so let's plan it. (Janet) 
            So please, don't tell me to can it. (Janet) 
            I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet I love you. 

            The road was long but I ran it. ["Backwards!"]
            There's a fire in my heart and you fan it. (Janet) 
            If there's one fool for you then I am it. (Janet) 
            I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet I love you. 

            Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker. 
            There's three ways that love can woo. ["Sex, drugs and rock
            and roll"]
            That's good, bad, or mediocre. ["gay, straight, and mediocre"]
            ["How do you spell slut?"]
            Oh, J-A-N-E-T I love you so. [Echo: "I want a blow"]
            ["Don't drop it!"] 

["Can we have some black flowers please?"]

Janet:      Oh, it's nicer than Betty Monroe had. (Oh Brad) 
            Now we're engaged and I'm so glad (Oh Brad) 
            That you met Mom and you know Dad. (Oh Brad) 
            [Echo above line: "...you fuck Mom and you blow Dad"]
            I've one thing to say and that's Brad, I'm mad, for you too. 

            Oh Brad... 

Brad:       Oh... dammit. [Echo: "Oh...shit."]

Janet:      I'm mad... 

Brad:       Oh, Janet.  [Echo: "Oh...shit."]

Janet:      For you. 

Brad:       I love you too. [Echo: "I want to screw"]

Brad & Janet: There's one thing left to do - ah - oo. ["Bury a midget!"]

Brad:       And that's go see the man who began it. (Janet) 
            ["He's in the box!"]
            When we met in his science exam - it (Janet) 
            ["He's STILL in the box!"]
            Made me give you the eye and then panic. (Janet) 
            [Echo above line as: "...piss in my pants and then panic"]
            Now I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet, I love you. 
            Dammit, Janet. 

Janet:      Oh Brad, I'm mad. 

Brad:       Dammit, Janet. 

Brad & Janet: I love you. 

["The man you are about to see has no fucking neck.  Where's your fucking 
neck?"  "It's in his other fucking suit."]

Narrator:   I would like ["You would, would you?"], ah, if I may, ["You may 
            not!"]...to take you ["Where?"] on a strange journey.  ["How 
            strange was it?" As Chucky pulls out book:  "It was so strange 
            they made a movie out of it; not the book, the movie."]  It 
            seemed a fairly ordinary night ["ordinary?"] when Brad Majors 
            ["Asshole!"] and his fiancee Janet Weiss ["slut!"], two young, 
            normal, healthy  kids ["Normal?"], left Denton that late November 
            evening, to visit a Dr. Everett Scott ["Snot" (boos & hisses)], 
            ex-tutor, and now friend to both of them.  ["Is it true that 
            you're constipated?"]  It's true there were dark storm clouds... 
            ["Describe your balls!"] heavy, black, and pendulous, towards 
            which they were driving.  ["Is it true also that your mother's a 
            dyke?"] It's true, also, that the spare tire they were carrying 
            was badly in need of some air ["So's your fucking neck!"], but, 
            uh, they being normal kids, ["Normal?"] on a night out... well, 
            they weren't going to let a storm spoil the rest of their 
            evening, were they?  ["Certainly not"] ...On a night out... 
            ["Come a little bit closer, Chuckie..."] it was a night out 
            they were going to remember... ["How long?"] for a very long 
            time. ["What a fucking drip."]

["Hey Dick, have you ever been a quitter?"]

Nixon:      I have never been a quitter...["bullshit!"]  To leave office
            before my term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my
            body.  ["You call that a body?"]  But as President ["You call
            that a President?"] I must put the interests of America first.
            ["What does America need, Dick?"]  America needs a full time
            president...["What else?"] and a full time Congress...
 
Janet:      Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passed us. 
            They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the 
            weather and all. 
  
Brad:       ["Say something stupid, Asshole!"] 
            Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type. ["So's Janet"]
  
Janet:      Oh. ...What's the matter, Brad darling? 

Brad:       ["Make a sound like a cow!"]  Mmm.
            We must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back. ["Asshole!"]
  
Janet:      Oh, but where did that motorcyclist come from?  ["Japan"; or hum 
            a few bars of the Twilight Zone theme]

Brad:       Hmmm... well I guess we'll just have to turn back. 
                    ["Look out!"]  (BOOM) 
  
Janet:      Oh! What was that bang?  ["A gang-bang!"]
  
Brad:       We must have a blowout.  DAMMIT!  I knew I should have 
            gotten that spare tire fixed. ["Asshole!"]  Well, you just stay  
            here and keep warm and I'll go for help. 
  
Janet:      But where will you go?  We're in the middle of nowhere... 
  
Brad:       ["What's white and sells hamburgers and tastes like shit?"]
            Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles?  
            [general cheers] Maybe they have a telephone we could use. 
            ["Castles don't have phones, Asshole!"]  
 
Janet:      I'm going with you. 
  
Brad:       Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet. 
            ["Janet's already wet!"]
  
Janet:      I'm coming with you!  ["That'll be a first!"]  Besides darling, 
            the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman, ["He is!"] and 
            you might never come back again.  ["You should be so lucky."] 
  
Brad:       Heh, heh, heh, heh. 
  
            [they get out of the car "Kick it!".  NEWSPAPERS over heads,  
            squirt WATER] 
            ["Buy an umbrella, you cheap bitch!"]
  
            OVER AT THE FRANKENSTEIN PLACE 

[When sign saying 'Enter at your own risk' is shown: "Can we have a 
 close-up on that sign please? --thank you.  I still can't read it -- 
 can you light it up for me?"  And when lightning flashes on sign, 
 "Thank you."]

["Watch out for the slut-eating tree!" -- right before Janet ducks a 
 tree branch.  Or, alternatively, "Turn around, bitch, I can't read 
 the sports page!"]

Janet:      ["Sing, bitch!"]
            In the velvet darkness, 
            Of the blackest night, 
            Burning bright, ["What's up your ass?"] there's a guiding star.
            ["That must hurt."] 
            No matter what or who you are. 
  
Brad & Janet: There's a light... [light MATCHES on 'light'] 
  
Chorus:     Over at the Frankenstein place. 
  
Brad & Janet: There's a light... 

            ["Where do you keep your grandmother?"]
  
Chorus:     Burning in the fireplace... 
  
            [MATCHES out on 'darkness' - "Darkness!" if any lights still on] 
Brad & Janet: There's a light, light in the darkness of everybody's life. 
  
            ["Sing to us, O hairless one!"] 

Riff Raff:  The darkness must go down the river of night's dreaming. 
            Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming 
            Into my life.  Into my life... ["It's the Incredible  
            Shrinking Riff Raff!"  "Watch that quicksand, Riff..."] 
  
Brad & Janet: There's a light...  [MATCHES again] 
  
Chorus:     Over at the Frankenstein place. 
  
Brad & Janet: There's a light... 

            ["Where's Santa Claus?"]
  
Chorus:     Burning in the fireplace. 
            There's a light, a light 
  
Brad & Janet: [off at 'Darkness'] ...in the darkness of everybody's life. 
  
            (in the stage version right after the first chorus Brad has this 
            extra verse: 
  
Brad:       I can see the flag fly 
            I can see the rain 
            Just the same, there has got to be 
            Something better here for you and me. 
  
            (repeat chorus)) 

["And Betsy Ross used to sit home and sew and sew and..."]  

Narrator:   And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet and 
            that they had found the assistance that their plight required. 
            ["Are you sure?"] ...Or had they?  ["Nyah-ha-ha"]
  
Janet:      Brad, let's go back, I'm cold and frightened... 
  
Brad:       Just a moment Janet, they might have a phone. 
            ["It's Scooby-Doo in bondage!"]
            (doorbell rings, door creaks open)  ["Ding-dong, asshole calling"]

Riff Raff:  ["How do you say 'jell-o' in Spanish?"]
            Hello. 
  
Brad:       Hi! My name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee, Janet Weiss. 
            I wonder if you could help us.  You see, our car broke down 
            a few miles up the road... do you have a phone we might use? 
            ["Look between Janet's legs!"]
  
Riff Raff:  You're wet.  

Janet:      ["Hey Janet. are you a slut?"]  
            Yes - ["What's the weather?"] it's raining. ["No shit"] 
  
Bard:       ["Are you an asshole, Brad?"]
            Yes. 

Riff Raff:  ["Are you on drugs, Riff?"]  
            Yes... I think perhaps you better both ["get lost"] come inside. 
            ["I don't care where you come, as long as you clean it up" "I don't 
            care if you clean it up, as long as you come"]

Janet:      You're too kind.  Oh Brad, I'm frightened.  What kind of a place 
            is this? 
  
Brad:       Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos. 
            ["Yay, rich weirdos!"]

Janet:      Oh (forlornly) 
  
["Hey Riff, show us how you finger your sister"]

Riff Raff:  ["Which way?"] This way. ["Follow the bouncing thumb"]
  
Janet:      Are you having a party? ["No, it's my sister's bas mitzvah" 
            or "Do you see any fucking Tupperware?" -- depends on 
            where you are]
  
Riff Raff:  You've arrived on a very special night.  It's one of the 
            master's affairs.  ["Which one?"]
  
Janet:      Oh lucky him. 
  
Magenta:    You're lucky, He's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky!  
            ["The banister's lucky!" instead of "we're all lucky"] 
            ha ha ha ha ha      

            ["Hey Riff, show us your Mummy!"]  
  
            THE TIME WARP 
  
Riff Raff:  It's astounding; 
            Time is fleeting; 
            Madness ["sucks"] takes its toll. 
            But listen closely... 
  
Magenta:    ["How long?"] Not for very much longer. 

Riff Raff:  ["How many balls do you have?"]  
            I've got to ["I've got three"] keep control. 
            I remember doing the time-warp ["Kick, kick"]
            Drinking those moments when 
            The blackness would hit me 
  
Riff & Magenta: And a void would be calling... 
  
Transylvanians: Let's do the time-warp again. 
            Let's do the time-warp again. 

            ["how's it done?"]  
            [Here are the instructions: DO IT!] 
  
Narrator:   It's just a jump to the left. 
  
All:        And then a step to the right. 
  
Narrator:   With your hands on your hips.  [Echo "tits -- or somebody else's"]

All:        You bring your knees in tight. 
            But it's the pelvic thrust ["ooh-ah-ooh-ah" or "group 
            sex, group sex..."]
            That really drives you insane. 
  
            Let's do the time-warp again. 
            Let's do the time-warp again. 
  
Magenta:    It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me. 
            So you can't see me, ["Do you douche?"] no, not at all. 
            ["Smells it."]
            In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention, 
            ["Where are your tits?"]
            Well secluded, I see all. 
  
Riff Raff:  With a bit of a mind flip 

Magenta:    You're into the time slip. ["Fuck that bird!"]
  
Riff Raff:  And nothing can ever be the same. 
  
Magenta:    You're spaced out on sensation. 
  
Riff Raff:  Like you're under sedation. 
  
All:        Let's do the time-warp again. 
            Let's do the time-warp again. 
  
Columbia:   Well I was walking down the street just having a think 
            When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink. 
            He shook me up, he took me by surprise 
            He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes. 
            He stared at me and I felt a change. 
            Time meant nothing, never would again. 
  
All:        Let's do the time-warp again. 
            Let's do the time-warp again. 
  
Narrator:   It's just a jump to the left. 
  
All:        And then a step to the right. 
  
Narrator:   With your hands on your hips.
  
All:        You bring your knees in tight. 
            But it's the pelvic thrust 
            That really drives you insane. 
  
            Let's do the time-warp again. 
            Let's do the time-warp again. 
  
            (Columbia tap-dances  [just before she hits the stairs "Watch 
            out!"])   ["2, 4, 6, 8, show us how you masturbate! 
            3, 5, 7, 9, if she can do it, so can I!  Eat your heart out, Ann 
            Miller; eat yourself out, Ann Miller; eat ME out, Ann Miller!  Who 
            the fuck is Ann Miller?"] 
  
All:        Let's do the time-warp again. 
            Let's do the time-warp again. 
  
Narrator:   It's just a jump to the left. [Echo: "Get the fuck off the desk"]
  
All:        And then a step to the right. 
  
Narrator:   With your hands on your hips. 
  
All:        You bring your knees in tight. 
            But it's the pelvic thrust 
            that really drives you insane. 
  
            Let's do the time-warp again. 
            Let's do the time-warp again. 
  
            ["Say something stupid, Asshole, and tell us where Drew 
            University is" :-) ]

Janet:      Brad, say something.

Brad:       Say, do any of you guys know how to Madison? ["I do the rock 
            myself"] 

Janet:      Brad, please, let's get out of here. 

Brad:       For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Janet. 

            (music cue softly at first, crescendo up) [tap/clap in time to 
            Frank's heel; chant: "oral SEX, anal SEX..." etc. in time with the 
            music]

Brad:       It's just a party, Janet. 

Janet:      Well - I want to go. 

Brad:       Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone. 

Janet:      Well then ask the butler or someone. 

Brad:       Just a moment, Janet - we don't want to interfere 
            with their celebration. 

Janet:      This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad. 

Brad:       They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own. 
            They may do some more . . . folk dancing. 

Janet:      Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared. 

Brad:       I'm here - there's nothing to worry about 

(Janet screams and faints) [scream]

            SWEET TRANSVESTITE 

Frank:      How do you do, I 
            See you've met my 
            Faithful handyman. 

            He's just a little brought down 
            Because when you knocked 
            He thought you were the candyman. 

            Don't get strung out ["like a tampon"] by the way I look. 
            Don't judge a book by its cover. 
            I'm not much of a man by the light of day 
            But by night I'm one hell of a lover.  

            I'm just a sweet transvestite 
            From Transexual, Transylvania. 

            Let me show you around 
            Maybe play you a sound. 
            You look like you're both pretty groovy. ["Bull shit!"]
            Or if you want something visual 
            That's not too abysmal, 
            We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie. ["Who the fuck 
            is Steve Reeves?"] 

Brad:       I'm glad we caught you at home, 
            Could we use your phone? 
            We're both in a bit of a hurry. 

Janet:      ["left"] Right.["left"] 

Brad:       We'll just say where we are, 
            Then go back to the car.  [Echo:"then go fuck in the car"] 
            We don't want to be any worry.  [Echo: "we both want to 
            fuck Tim Curry"] 

Frank:      Well you got caught with a flat, well, [echo] how 'bout that? 
            Well, babies, don't you panic. 
            By the light of the night it'll all seem alright. 
            I'll get you a satanic mechanic.  ["S&M!"] 

            I'm just a sweet transvestite ["Boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom"]
            From Transexual, Transylvania. 

            Why don't you stay for the night? 

Riff Raff:  [echo] Night. 

Frank:      Or maybe a bite? 

Columbia:   [echo] Bite. 

Frank:      I could show you my favourite obsession. ["Sex"]
            I've been making a man ["Not him!", or "You call that a man?"] 
            With blond hair and a tan 
            And he's good for relieving my ["sexual"]... tension 

            I'm just a sweet transvestite ["Fuck him with your eyes"]
            From Transexual, Transylvania. 
            [echo] HIT IT, HIT IT! 
            I'm just a sweet transvestite 

Frank, Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Sweet transvestite 

Frank:      From Transexual, 

Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Transylvania. 

Frank:      So ["What?"] - come up to the lab, 
            And see what's on the slab. [Echo: "And fuck me on the slab"] 
            I see you shiver with antici - (3 seconds) ["SAY IT!" 
            "consti-"] - pation. 
            But maybe the rain 
            Isn't really to blame. ["No, Sue's to Blame (Blane)!"] 
            So I'll remove the cause ["Your clothes"]. (chuckles) ["What 
            about that nasty little symptom?"] 
            But not the symptom. 

            (applause) (Brad and Janet are given towels)

            ["Janet's on the rag."  "So's Brad."  "Don't forget to 
            wipe your asshole."]
Janet:      Thank you.

Brad:       Thank you very much.

            (Columbia and Riff Raff start to undress Brad and Janet) 

Janet:      Oh!  Brad! 

Brad:       It's all right Janet.  We'll play along for now and pull 
            out the aces when the time is right. 

Columbia:   Slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush. ["Yay rush!"]

Brad:       Hi, my name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee, 
            Janet Weiss; ["Spell urinate!"] you are... 

Columbia:   You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory. 
            Some people would give their right arm for the privilege. ["Or
            their left tit"]

Brad:       People like you maybe. 

Columbia:   Ha! I've seen it. 

            ["Grab something useful, Brad - like a shoe!"]
            (Riff Raff pours wine into a glass, takes a swig from the bottle, 
            and lets it drop after Columbia says "Shift it" ) 

Riff Raff:  Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting. 

            ["Riff has a drinking problem - he can't hold his liquor"]  

Columbia:   Shift it. ["Drop it! ... "Thank you"]

            ["Hey Riff, show us your serious look -- needs work."]

            (Janet screeches - the elevator goes up) 

Janet:      Is he - Frank, I mean - your husband? 

Riff Raff:  The master is not yet married, nor do I expect he ever 
            shall be. We are simply his servants. ["slaves"]

Janet:      Oh. 

            ["Sluts first ... Assholes second... Servants, Groupies, and 
            Dykes to the rear"  "Side-step it, bitch!"] 

            ["Look, it's Ken and Barbie -- with Action-Grip!"]  

Frank:      ["What's your favorite color?"] Magenta, ["Where do you get your
            drugs?"] Columbia, go assist Riff Raff [Echo: "woof-woof"].  I will 
            entertain ...uh huh huh... 
            (chuckle)  ["...the cameraman!  Reach out, reach out and touch 
            someone"]

Brad:       Brad Majors.  And this is my fiancee, Janet "Vice". ["Weisssss"] 

Janet:      Weiss. 

Brad:       Weiss? um 

Frank:      ["Say something in French"] Enchante. 

            (Janet giggles) 

Frank:      ["What do you think of her tits?"]
            Well! how nice.  And what charming underclothes you both have. 
            But here.  Put these (smocks) on.  They'll make you feel less 
            ["Naked"] vulnerable ["same thing"].  It's not often we receive 
            visitors here, let alone offer them... hospitality.  
            [Echo: "Horse-brutality"]

            ["Get tough, Brad!"] 
Brad:       Hospitality!?  All we asked was to use your telephone, 
            Goddammit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore. 

Janet:      Brad, don't be ungrateful. 

Brad:       Ungrateful! [when Brad removes his glasses, "It's Superman!"  
            or, "Super Brad!"] 

Frank:      How forceful you are, Brad.  Such a perfect specimen of manhood. 
            So...["big"] dominant (crowd has flurry of laughs).  
            ["Check it out...cover it, Asshole."]  You must be awfully 
            proud of him, Janet. 

Janet:      ["Hey, Janet, are you a slut?"] Well, yes I am. (giggles) 

Frank:      Do you have any tattoos, Brad? ["How do you tattoo an asshole?  
            With a ballpoint pen"]

Brad:       Certainly not! 

Frank:      ["Ask Janet"] Oh well, how about you. (to Janet) 

Janet:      No. (giggling) 

Riff Raff:  Everything is in readiness, master.  We merely await your 
            (pause) word.  ["Aww shit, I just had that hump cleaned 
            yesterday."]

Frank:      ["Hey Frank, when's the orgy, and who's invited?"]  
            Tonight, my unconventional conventionalists... you are to 
            witness a new breakthrough in biochemical research... and paradise 
            is to be mine... It was strange the way it happened... suddenly  
            you get a break... whole pieces start to fit into place 
            ["sounds like sex to me"], not a sign of being...what a fool!
            The answer was there all the time, it took a small accident to 
            make it happen... ["A what?"]  AN ACCIDENT! 

Magenta & Columbia: An accident! 

Frank:      And that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient, 
            ["Who's your favorite character on Star Trek?"]
            that SPARK that is the breath of life... ["Are you going to fuck 
            everyone in the audience tonight?"] Yes, ["Do you know about gay 
            sex?"] I have that knowledge...["What do you hold under your arm?"]
            I hold the secret...["to life?"] to life...["Itself?"] itself!
            ["F"] You see ["K"]..[Echo "You"] You are fortunate for tonight 
            is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be BORN! 
            [Echo: "Fucked"]
            (Magenta and Columbia take hold of the cloth) 

            ["How do you say Fuck in Chinese?"]
            Up now! ...throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator 
            ["Not the sonic oscillator!]... and step up the reactor power 
            input [echo] THREE MORE POINTS [Echo: "...MORE...TRIANGLES!"] 

            [When Riff turns the wheel, "I've been working on the railroad..."]
            (colorful fluids, etc. in order Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, 
            Indigo, Violet [identify colors as "Red! ...Orange", etc. ]) 

            (Rocky emits some gutteral garbage) 

Frank:      Oh!  [echo] Rocky! 

            THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES 

Rocky:      The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head, 
            And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread. 
            Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery. 
            Oh, can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer. 

            I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed. 

All:        That ain't no crime. 

Rocky:      And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread. 

All:        That ain't no crime. 

Rocky:      My high is low, I'm dressed up with no place to go. 
            And all I know is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer. 

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. 

Rocky:      Oh ho no no 

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. 

Rocky:      Oh ho no no 

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. 

Rocky:      Oh ho no no 

Rocky:      The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head. 

All:        That ain't no crime. 

Rocky:      And I've got the feeling someone's going to be cutting the thread. 

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. 

Rocky:      Oh no no no. 

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. 

Rocky:      Oh no no no. 

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. 

Rocky:      Oh no no no. 
               (repeat until end --- Sha-la-la) 

All:        Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, 
            Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, 
            sha-la-la. 

Frank:      Well really.  That's no way to behave on your first day out. 

Rocky:      Ugh  Ugh  (forlornly like a puppy dog) 

Frank:      ["Forgive him!"]
            But since you're such an exceptional beauty, I am prepared to 
            forgive you. 

            ["Hey Rocky, show us how you beat off!"]  

Rocky:      Ugh  Ugh  (applause) (Rocky [and audience] claps like a child) 

Frank:      Oh, I just love success. 

Riff Raff:  He's a credit to your genius, master. 

Frank:      Yes. 

Magenta:    A triumph of your will. 

Frank:      Yes. 

Columbia:   He's O.K. 

Frank:      ["Hey Frank, kill that roach!"]
            o.k. (smack)  ["Get your tits off my tank!"]
            O.K.!  I think we can do better than that.  Humph! 
            ["Ask Brad and Janet!"] Well, Brad and Janet, what do you think of 
            him? 

Janet:      ["Lie, Janet!"] 
            Well, I don't like a man with too many muscles. ["Just one big
            one"]

Frank:      I didn't make him... FOR YOU!  ["She gets him anyway!"] He carries 
            the Charles Atlas seal of approval. 

            I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part I) 

Frank:      ["Describe..." insert any name]  
            A weakling weighing ninety-eight pounds 
            ["ninety-seven-and-a-half, he jerked off last night!"  "Ninety-
            seven-and-three-quarters, he swallowed it!"]
            Will get sand in his face 
            When kicked to the ground; 
            And soon in the gym with a determined chin, 
            The sweat from his pores as he works for his cause 
            Will make him glisten ["What's your favorite toothpaste?"]
            ...and gleam. 
            And with massage, and just a little bit of steam, ["Go for it!"] 
            ["Missed it, missed it, now you gotta kiss it! That's why he 
            missed it"]
            He'll be pink and quite clean 
            He'll be a strong man.  ["What's your favorite lubricant?"] 
            Oh honey... 

All:        But the wrong man. 

Frank:      He'll eat nutritious high protein.  And swallow raw eggs... 
            Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and... legs. 
            Such an effort if he only knew of my plan. 
            In just seven days...  ["and seven nights", or "maybe six"] 

Frank & Transylvanians: I can make you a man. 

Frank:      He'll do press-ups, and chin-ups, do the snatch, clean and jerk.
            ["off"  "Harder...harder!"]
            He thinks dynamic tension must be hard work. 
            Such strenuous living I just can't understand, 
            When in just seven days, oh baby, ...["and seven nights"] 
            I can make you a man. 

            ["Guess who's coming to dinner?"]

Frank:      ["Hey Frank, what's the opposite of 'ooh ah'?"]
            Ah...ooh!  

Columbia:   EDDY! 

            HOT PATOOTIE (BLESS MY SOUL) 

Eddy:       Whatever happened to Saturday night, 
            When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright? 
            It don't seem the same since cosmic light 
            Came into my life, I thought I was divine. 
            I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go, 
            And listen to the music on the radio; 
            A saxophone was blowing on a rock 'n roll show. 
            You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time. 

[replace following with, "John Belushi's dead in a hole because of sex, 
drugs and rock 'n roll."]
            Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. 
            Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. 
            Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. 
            Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. 

            My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled. 
            My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt. 
            I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt 
            And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine. 
            Get back in front, put some hair oil on 
            Buddy Holly was singing his very last song. 
            With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along. 
            It felt pretty good. Woo You really had a good time. 

            Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. 
            Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. 
            Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. 
            Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. 
             (... for a total of twelve times) 

            (Frank attacks Eddy with an alpinist's pick) 
            ["That's no way to pick your friends!" or "Picky, picky, picky"] 

Frank:      One from the vaults. (chuckles) ["A greaser from the freezer...
            Like A Bat out of Hell"]

            ["Give those (rubber gloves) to Magenta; she knows what to do
            with bloody rubbers -- Turn them inside-out and use them as 
            teabags"]

Rocky:      Ugh... 

Frank:      Oh baby... Don't be upset... ["I'm not upset, I'm pissed."] 
            It was a mercy killing ["Mercy, mercy, mercy"]
            ... he had a certain naive charm, ["But what about muscle?"] 
            but no muscle ["Show him"]  (Rocky flexes a bicep) ...Oh! 

            I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part II) 

Frank:      But a deltoid and a bicep. 
            A hot groin and a tricep. 
            Makes me, oooh [Echo: "Boogie with a midget"], shake, 
            Makes me want to Charles Atlas by the ["Balls"] ...ha-ha-hand. 

Frank & Transylvanians: In just seven days I can make you a man. 

Frank:      ["Step, strut..."]  
            I don't want no dissention, just dynamic tension. 

Janet:      ["Sing it, bitch!"] 
            I'm a muscle fan. 

Frank:      In just seven days, I can make you a man 
            Dig it if you can 
            In just seven days, I can make you a man. 

            (Frank and Rocky's WEDDING MARCH) 

Transylvanians: Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!  Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! 
            Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! [throw 
            CONFETTI] 

Narrator:   ["I say that life is an illusion."]  
            There are those that say that life is an illusion ["like 
            your neck"], and that reality is but a figment of the imagination 
            ["So's your fucking neck!"].  If this is so, then Brad and Janet 
            are quite safe, ["So's your neck"] ... however, the sudden 
            departure of their host...and his ["neck"] creation...into the 
            seclusion of his somber bridal suite ["Sweet!"] had left them 
            feeling both ["Neckless"] apprehensive and uneasy, a feeling 
            which grew ["unlike your neck!"] as the other guests departed, and 
            they were shown to their separate rooms. 

            (Janet and Brad are shown to their rooms by Riff Raff and Magenta.) 
            ["Pink is for sluts... watch out for the basin ... 
              He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake... 
              and Blue is for Assholes!... He knows if you've been fucking 
              Brad and when you masturbate"  "Brad knows about the basin, 
              he was here last week"]

            (knock) 

Janet:      Uhh! Who is it? Who's there? 

Frank (Brad): ["It's the plumber, I've come to fix the basin"]  It's only 
            me, Janet. 

Janet:      Oh, Brad darling, come in. ["and out, and in, and out"]
            Oh! Brad Oh Brad.  Yes, my darling...but what if... 

Frank (Brad): ["Don't worry, I brought a rubber!"]  
             It's all right, Janet, everything's going to be alright. 

Janet:      ["Don't touch the hair!"]  
            Oh, I hope so, my darling.  Oh...Ah...ahh OHHH! Oh it's you! 

Frank:      I'm afraid so, Janet, but isn't it nice... 

Janet:      Oh, you beast, you monster...Oh what have you done with Brad? 
            ["Nothing yet, he's saving the best for last"]

Frank:      Oh, well, nothing.  Why, do you think I should? 

Janet:      You tricked...I wouldn't have...I've never..never... 

Frank:      Yes, yes I know, but it isn't all bad, is it?  ["It isn't 
            all Brad, either"]  I think you really found it quite pleasurable. 

Janet:      Oh, stop...I mean help...Brad Brad!..Oh Brad!! ["Brad's not down
            there...Brad's never been down there!"]

Frank:      Shhh. Brad's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you 
            like...This! 

Janet:      Like this..like how??! Oh, it's your fault...you're to blame... 
            ["No, Sue's to blame; can't you read the fucking credits?"] 
            Oh...I was saving myself... ["For what, a rainy day?  Well, 
            Janet, it's raining!"]

Frank:      Yes, but I'm sure you're not SPENT yet... 

Janet:      Promise you won't tell Brad? ["Slut!"]

Frank:      Cross my heart and hope to die... ["Stick a dildo in my eye"]

            (assorted sexual noises) 

            ["I'm so glad we had this time together..." - sung
            "Meet Miss Magenta.  She uses Mop 'n Glow.  Her neighbor Mrs. 
            Ralph Hapshatt has been down on her knees for seven hours...but 
            she hasn't been mopping!"  "Rocky takes it up the ass, doo-dah, 
            doo-dah...Servants entrance in the rear, oh, doo-dah day"  
            "Twitch that shoulder...thank you"]
            (Riff Raff scares Rocky with a candelabra, ["Have some fire, 
            Scarecrow?" or "You light up my life"] Rocky runs away) 
            ["It's donkey kong junior!  Where's the bathroom?!"]

Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad darling, it's no good here.  It'll destroy us. 

Brad:       Don't worry Janet, we'll be away from here in the morning. 

Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad you're so strong and protective. ["Don't touch the
            hair!"]

Brad:       Ah, ah, ah, oh YOU! 

Frank:      I'm afraid so, Brad, but isn't it nice... 

Brad:       Why YOU!  what have you done with Janet? ["Fucked the shit out of 
            her"]

Frank:      Nothing.  Why?  Do you think I should?

Brad:       You tricked me, I wouldn't have...never...never...never... 
            ["Never never?"] 

Frank:      Oh Yes yes, I know...but it isn't all bad, is it?  Not even half 
            bad, I think you really quite enjoyed it. 

            (Brad starts moaning) 

Frank:      Oh... so soft... 

Brad:       Stop it...stop it...oh Janet...JANET! ["Janet's not there, Janet's 
            never been down there!"]

Frank:      Janet's probably asleep by now.  Do you want her to see you like 
            THIS?

Brad:       Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame, I thought 
            it was the real thing!

Frank:      Oh come on, Brad, admit it, you liked it, didn't you?  It isn't 
            a crime to give yourself over to pleasure, Brad. ["It is in New 
            Jersey"] We've wasted so much time already...Janet needn't know, 
            I won't tell her... 

Brad:       Well, promise you won't tell... 

Frank:      On my mother's gra.oouuuuuu..... ["Don't talk with your mouth 
            full!"]

            (BEEPBEEPBEEP...) 

Riff Raff:  Master, Rocky has broken his chains and vanished. Your 
            new playmate is loose and somewhere on the grounds...Magenta has 
            just released ["her sisters"] the dogs... 

Frank:      mmmm? coming! ["So's Brad!"] 

Janet:      What's happening here?  ["Switch!"]  Where's Brad? ["Switch!"]
            Where's ANYbody? 
            Oh, Brad. Brad, my darling ["Janet, my fish!"], how could I have 
            done this to you?  Oh! 
            ["It was easy, but it would have been easier without the 
            pantyhose!"]  
            If only we hadn't made this journey... ["But you did!"] if only the 
            car hadn't broken down... ["but it did!"] if only we were amongst 
            friends... ["But you're not!"] Or sane persons ["Two out of 
            three ain't bad"], Oh Brad, Oh Brad,["get butch, bitch"] what 
            have they done with him...(she sees him on TV with Frank) Oh, 
            Brad, Oh Brad-How could you? 

               (Rocky emits moans and general cries of pain) 

Janet:      ["Leave him alone, he's monsterbating - Aw shit, caught again!"]  
            Oh, but you are hurt ["no shit"]...Did they do this to you?  
            ["No, I did it to myself"] I'll dress your wounds... 
            ["Hey Janet, make me a 3-piece suit!"  "He's got more hurt than 
            you've got skirt"] baby there...let me make it all better. 

            ["Hey Janet - look three ways and smile if you wanna fuck"]

Narrator:   Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind...Vehement or excited 
            mental state.  ["And you can only read about it, shitlips"]  It 
            is also a powerful and irrational master [echo "mouthwash"]...and 
            from what Magenta and Columbia eagerly viewed on their television  
            monitor there seemed little doubt that Janet was, indeed, ["a 
            nymphomaniac"]... its slave. 

Magenta and Columbia: [echo] Tell us about it, Janet. 

            TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH ME 

Janet:      I was feeling done in, couldn't win
            I'd only ever kissed before. ["What a crock of shit!"]

Columbia:   You mean she... 

Magenta:    Uh huh 

Janet:      I thought there's no use getting ["laid"]
            Into heavy petting  ["Same thing"]
            It only leads to trouble 
            And seat wetting. ["Yay wet seats", or "Hey, this seat's wet!"]
            Now all I want to know is how to go. 
            I've tasted blood [Echo: "come"] and I want more. 

Magenta and Columbia: [echo] ["less"] More, ["less"] more,["less"] more 
            ["less"]

Janet:      I'll put up no resistance 
            I want to stay the distance [Echo:"I want to fuck your piston"]
            I've got an itch to scratch 
            I need assistance. 

            [on 'toucha toucha' etc., run and attempt to touch Janet (on the 
 screen)] 

            Toucha toucha toucha touch me [Echo: "Fucka-fucka-fuck me"]
            I want to be dirty 
            Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me [echo: "Eat me, beat me, mistreat  
            me"] 
            Creature of the night. 

            Then if anything grows ["Suck it!"], while you pose, 
            I'll oil you up and rub you down. 

Magenta and Columbia: ["up"] Down, ["up"] down, ["up"] down ["up"]. 

Janet:      And that's just one small fraction of the main attraction 
            You need a friendly hand and I need action.

            Toucha toucha toucha touch me 
            I want to be dirty 
            Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me 
            Creature of the night. 

Columbia:   Toucha toucha toucha touch me 
Magenta:    I want to be dirty. 
Columbia:   Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me, 
Magenta:    Creature of the night. 

Janet:      Toucha toucha toucha touch me I want to be dirty 
            Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me, creature of the night. 

Rocky:      Creature of the night 
Brad:       Creature of the night? 
Frank:      Creature of the night. 
Magenta:    Creature of the night. 
Riff Raff:  Creature of the night. 
Columbia:   Creature of the night. 
Rocky:      Creature of the night. 
Janet:      Creature of the night. 

Riff Raff:  Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!  ["Say thank you! ...say it in French!"] 
            Merrrrrcy! (being whipped by Frank) 

Frank:      How did it happen?  ["Beats me"]  I understood you were to be 
            watching... 

Riff Raff:  I was only away for a minute...["Doing what?"] master ["bating"] 

Frank:      Well, see if you can find him on the monitor. 

Riff Raff:  Master, master...we have a visitor. 

Brad:       ["What does Captain Kirk say to his chief engineer?"]
            Hey, Scotty! ["Beam us up, this planet sucks!"] ...Dr. Everett 
            Scott. 

Riff Raff:  You know this earthling ["Whoops!"] ...this person? 
            ["Watch it, O'Brien, fuck you Curry, I wrote this script!"]

Brad:       Why yes.  He happens to be an old friend of mine. 

Frank:      ["What's your favorite fruit drink?"]
            I see.  So this wasn't simply a chance meeting.  You came here 
            with a purpose. [Echo: "...with a porpoise."]

Brad:       I told you, my car broke down.  I was telling the truth. 
            ["Assholes don't lie, thry're just full of shit"]

Frank:      I know what you told me, Brad...but this Dr. Everett Scott, his 
            name is not unknown to me.

Brad:       He was a science teacher at Denton High School. 

Frank:      ["Let's see his nipple...nip-ple! nip-ple!" ... general cheers]
            And now he works for your government, doesn't he, Brad? he's 
            attached to the bureau of investigation of that which you call 
            UFO's!!!  Isn't that right, Brad? 

Brad:       He might be...I don't know. 

Riff Raff:  The intruder is entering the building, master. 

Frank:      He'll probably be...entering the Zen room. ["Not the Zen Room!"]
            ["Look at the roaches in this place -- wish my house had roaches 
            like that"] Shall we inquire of him in person? 
            ["Not the triple-contact electro-magnet!"] 

            (pause) 
            [When Dr. Scott passes through Columbia and Magenta's room, 
            "Ring around the lesbians - fucking tourists!"]   
            ["Hey Kool-Aid!"]
Brad:       Great Scott! [throw TOILET PAPER] 

Dr. Scott:  Frankenfurter, we meet at last. ["No, we meet at first"]

Brad:       Dr. Scott! 

Dr. Scott:  Brad! What are you doing here? ["Oh, just fucking around"]

Frank:      Don't play games, Dr. Scott.  You know perfectly well what 
            Brad Majors is doing here. ["Getting good head"] It was part of 
            your plan, was it not?  That he and his female should check the 
            layout for you ["or lay the checkout"].  Well, unfortunately for 
            you all, the plans are to be changed.  You must be adaptable, Dr. 
            Scott; I know Brad is. {"Aw, you promised you wouldn't tell!"]

Dr. Scott:  I can assure you that Brad's presence here comes as a complete 
            surprise to me ["didn't you read the script?"].  I came here to 
            find Eddy. 

Brad:       Eddy!  I've seen him! 

Frank:      Eddy!  What do you know of Eddy, Dr. Scott? 

Dr. Scott:  ["Get conceited!"] 
            I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things.  You see 
            Eddy happens to be my nephew. 

               (Frank gasps) 

Brad:       Dr. Scott. ["Mouseketeer roll call sound off now!"] 

Janet:      Ah!  ["You blew it, bitch!"]

            [echo three rounds of 'Janet... etc.' add "Uh" for Rocky] 

Dr. Scott:  Janet! 

Janet:      Dr. Scott! 

Brad:       Janet! 

Janet:      Brad! 

Frank:      Rocky! 

               (Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt) 

Dr. Scott:  Janet! 

Janet:      Dr. Scott! 

Brad:       Janet! 

Janet:      Brad! 

Frank:      Rocky! 

               (Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt) 

Dr. Scott:  Janet! 

Janet:      Dr. Scott! 

Brad:       Janet! 

Janet:      Brad! 

Frank:      Rocky! 

               (Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt) 
            ["All present and accounted for, SIR!"]

Frank:      Listen...I made you...and I can break you just as easily. 
                (to Rocky) 

Magenta:    (GONG) Master, dinner is prepared! ["and WE helped! (hay-ulped)"] 

Frank:      ["What do you think of oral sex?"]
            Excellent.  Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be 
            optional. ["To-ga, to-ga..."]

Narrator:   Food has always played a vital role in Life's rituals. 
            The breaking of the bread, the last meal of the condemned man, and 
            now... this meal.  However informal it might appear, you can be  
            sure that there was to be little, bonhommie. 
            ["Why does Dr. Scott have seven forks? ... If that's the Hostess, I 
            hate to see the Twinkie!"]
            (Dinner is served, the clatter of dishes is heard, the electric 
            slicer is used to slice up the meat (by Frank)) ["Meat Loaf  
            again!?"  "It slices, it dices, it circumcises and makes Julienne 
            fries, whatever the fuck they are.  Transvestites start your 
            engines! ... All sliced up and no place to go - woo!"] 

Frank:      A toast [throw TOAST] ...to absent friends...

All:        To absent friends. 

Frank:      and to Rocky. 
            (Frank starts a verse of stacatto 'Happy Birthday Rocky' and 
            cuts it off after 'Dear Rocky' [- the audience sings along]) 
            Shall we? 

            ["Hey Riff, deal me a slice. ... He really knows how to fling his 
            meat!"]

Dr. Scott:  We came here to discuss Eddy. 

Columbia:   Eddy. (Frank threatens her with the slicer) 

Frank:      That's a rather tender subject.  Another slice anyone? ["Inside 
            joke"]

           ["Janet gets it...Brad gets it...Dr. Scott gets it...Rocky 
            gets it, but he doesn't care."]

Columbia:   Excuse me (Scream on exit) ["What's the matter? You ate him 
            before - you can eat him again!" "Yeah, but she didn't swallow last 
            time!"]

Dr. Scott:  I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I 
            imagined...Aliens! 
            ["Who the fuck are you talking to?  Who the fuck are we talking 
            to?"]

Rocky:      Ugh? 

Brad:       Doctor Scott! 

Frank:      Go on, Dr. Scott.  Or should I say Dr. Von Scott. 

Brad:       Just what exactly are you implying?  ["He's a Nazi!"]

Dr. Scott:  It's all right! 

Brad:       Doctor Scott! 

Scott:      It's all right, Brad. 


            EDDY 

            ["How long was he gay?"]
            From the day he was born ["Not the night but the day"] 
            He was trouble.  ["Not Monopoly but Trouble"] 
            He was the thorn  ["Not the rose but the thorn"] 
            In his mother's side. ["Not the back, but the side"] 
            She tried in vain... ["Not the artery but the vein"] 

Narrator:   ...but he never caused her nothing but shame.  ["shame, shame, 
            shame..."] 

Scott:      He left home the day she died. 
            ["Hit it!", or "Rockin' Scott!"] 
            From the day she was gone ["Bop shebop bop"] 
            All he wanted ["Was Dr. Scott's cock"] 
            Was Rock 'n' Roll porn  ["and Dr. Scott's cock" "It's a naked 
            record!"] 
            And a motorbike. ["Whoooooo..."]
            Shooting up junk... ["What was he?"]

Narrator:   He was a low down cheap little punk! ["Yay punk!"]

Scott:      Taking everyone for a ride. 

All:        When Eddy said he didn't like his Teddy 
            You knew he was a no-good kid. 
            But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife 

Frank:      What a guy! 

Janet:      Makes you cry. 

Scott:      Und I did. 

Columbia:   Everybody shoved him. 
            I very nearly loved him. 
            I said, hey, listen to me; 
            Stay sane inside insanity! 
            But he locked the door and threw away the key. 

Scott:      But he must have been drawn  ["Not colored but drawn"]
            Into something, ["What the fuck's a zum-zing?"]
            Making him warn ["Who??"]
            Me in a note that reads... 

All:        [echo] What's it say?  What's it say? 

Eddy's voice: I'm out of my hed. ["spelled H - E - D"] 
            Oh, hurry, or I may be dead. ["spelled right"] 
            They mustn't carry out their evil deed. ["Scream!"]   (scream) 

All:        When Eddy said he didn't like his Teddy 
            You knew he was a no-good kid. 
            But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife 

Frank:      What a guy! 

Janet:      Makes you cry. 

Scott:      Und I did. 

All:        When Eddy said he didn't like his Teddy 
            You knew he was a no-good kid. 
            But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife 
            [Echo: "...with a ball-point pen"]

Frank:      What a guy! ["What does Santa say?"]

All:        Oh-oh-oh...

Janet:      Makes you cry. ["What does Fat Albert say?"]

All:        Hey, hey, hey...

Scott:      Und I did. 

            ["I fuckin' HATE celery!"]
            (All scream) 

            ["Hey Frank, let's play 'Slap the Slut' -- you go first"]

Frank:      Rocky!  How could you? (slaps Janet) 

            (general mayhem as Frank chases Janet.  Riff and Magenta laugh, 
            until Riff suddenly says "Shut up!" [which the audience echoes]) 

            WISE UP 

            I'll tell you once;  I won't tell you twice. 
            You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss. 
            Your apple pie don't taste too nice. 
            You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss. 

            I've laid the seed; it should be all you need. 
            You're as sensual as a pencil, wound up like an E or first string. 
            When we made it, didja hear a bell ring? [ring BELL] 

            Ya gotta block?  Well, take my advice. 
            You better wise up, Janet Weiss. 
            The transducer will seduce ya. 

Janet:      My feet!  I can't move my feet! 

Scott:      My wheels!  My God, I can't move my wheels! [Echo: "My God, I can't 
            feel my face!"]

Brad:       ["My socks!"] It's as if we're glued to the spot! 

Frank:      You are! ["Nyah-nah nah nah nah"]  So quake with fear, you tiny 
            fools!

Janet:      We're trapped! 

Frank:      (sung)  It's something you'll get used to.  A mental mind fuck 
            can be nice. 

Scott:      You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine. 
            This sonic transducer...it is, I suppose, some kind of 
            audio-vibratory, physio-molecular transport device? 

Brad:       [echo] You mean... ["A vibrator!"] 

Scott:      Yes, Brad, it's something we ourselves have been working on 
            for quite some time ["a working vibrator"].  But it seems our 
            friend here has found a means of perfecting it ["the perfect 
            vibrator"].  A device capable of breaking down solid matter and 
            then projecting it through space and, who knows, perhaps even 
            time itself. 

Janet:      You mean he's going to send us to another planet? 

Frank:      [echo] Planet, shmanet, Janet! 
            You better wise up, Janet Weiss. 
            You better wise up, build your thighs up, 
            You better wise up 

Narrator:   And then she cried out... 

Janet:      Stop! [Echo: "More!"]

Frank:      Don't get hot and flustered! 
            Use a bit of mustard. 

            [throw HOTDOGS on 'you're a hotdog!' (optional)] 

Brad:       You're a hot dog, but you better not try to hurt her, ["Oscar 
            Meyer"] Frank Furter. 

            (Freeze - Brad) 

Scott:      You're a hot dog, but you better not try to hurt her, 
            ["Hebrew National"] Frank Furter. 

            (Freeze - Scott) 

Janet:      You're a hot dog -- 

            (Freeze - Janet) ["Shut up, bitch, it wouldn't have rhymed anyway"]

            ["Who's Tim Curry?"]
Columbia:   My God! ["Mine too!"] I can't stand any more of this!  
            ["So sit down"]  First you spurn me for Eddy, and then you 
            throw him off like an old overcoat for Rocky!  You chew people 
            up and then you spit them out again... ["He's on a diet"]  I 
            loved you ["What did you say?"]..d'ya hear me!  I loved you!  
            And what did it get me? ["A hole in your shirt!"]  Yeah, I'll 
            tell you - a big nothing.  ["At least it was big!"]  You're 
            like a sponge.  You take, take, take, and drain others of their 
            love and emotion.  Yeah, well, I've had enough! ["Peek-a-boo!"]
            You're gonna choose between me and Rocky, so named because of the 
            rocks in his head. ["Nobody flashes their tit at me and 
            gets away with it!"](freeze)  ["Lopsided!"]

Frank:      It's not easy having a good time... (freeze Rocky) ["try Disney 
            World"] ...even smiling makes my face ache ["so, bite your 
            knuckles!"]...and my children turn on me ["Mommie dearest"]...
            Rocky's behaving just the way Eddy did. ["Show us your ear!" ... 
            "Ear-gasm!"]  Do you think I made a mistake, splitting his brain 
            between the two of them?  ["That could be it"] 

Magenta:    Ahhhh!  I grow weary of this world!  When shall we return 
            to Transylvania, huh? ["When you can say your W's, bitch!"]

Frank:      Magenta, I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother 
            Riff Raff.  You have both served me well.  Loyalty such as yours 
            shall not go unrewarded.  You will discover that when the mood 
            takes me, I can be quite generous. 

Magenta:    I ask for nothing ["under 12 inches"]...nothing. 

Frank:      And you shall receive it...in abundance! ["What tastes good on 
            corn flakes?"] Come, we are ready for the floor show. 
            ["Look out for the finger; if you touch it, it's statutory rape!"]

            ["Hey, where are Magenta's eyeballs?"]

Narrator:   And so, by some extraordinary co-incidence, fate, it seemed, 
            had decided that Brad and Janet should keep that appointment with 
            their friend, Dr. Everett Scott.  But it was to be in a situation  
            which none of them would have possibly forseen.  And, just a few  
            hours after announcing their engagement, Brad and Janet had both  
            tasted ["Frank's cock"] ...forbidden fruit.["same thing"]  
            This in itself was proof that their host was a man of little 
            morals ["yay, little morals!"]...and some persuasion. 
            ["Yay, some persuasion"] What further indignities were they to be 
            subjected to?  And what of the floor show that is spoken of?  
            ["Yay floor show" ... "Where do you masturbate?"] In an empty  
            house? ["When do you masturbate?"]  In the middle of the night? 
            ["Rates are cheaper"] What diabolical plan had seized Frank's 
            crazed imagination? What indeed?  From what had gone before, it 
            was clear that this was to be... ["Can we have a picnic?"] no 
            picnic. ["Aw shit, and I brought the ants!"] 

            ROSE TINT MY WORLD 

            A. FLOOR SHOW 

            (Frank is running around making preparations while the others are 
            frozen on the stage.  Unfreeze - Columbia) 

Columbia:   It was great when it all began. ["Hip, hip"]
            I was a regular Frankie fan. 
            But it was over when he had the plan 
            To start a-working on a muscle man. 
            Now the only thing that gives me hope ["is smoking dope"]
            Is my love of a certain dope. 
            Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain. 

            (Unfreeze - Rocky) 

Rocky:      I'm just seven hours old, ["and can't dance"]
            And truly beautiful to behold. 
            And somebody should be told 
            My libido hasn't been controlled. 
            Now the only thing I've come to trust ["Is Janet's bust"]
            Is an orgasmic rush of lust. ["Yay lust"]
            Rose tints my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain. 

            (Unfreeze - Brad) 

Brad:       ["What's two plus two?"]
            It's beyond me; ["What do you say when you masturbate?"]
            help me Mommy! 
            I'll be good; you'll see. 
            Take this dream away. 
            What's this? ["The floor!"] Let's see, 
            I feel sexy! 
            What's come over me? ["Frank"]
            Wo!  Here it comes again. 

            (unfreeze - Janet) 

Janet:      I feel released ["real cheap"]; bad times deceased. 
            My confidence has increased; reality is here. 
            The game has been disbanded; my mind has been expanded. 
            It's a gas that Frankie's landed! 
            His lust is so sincere. 

            B. FANFARE/DON'T DREAM IT 

Frank:      Whatever happened to Fay Wray? ["She went ape-shit!"] 
            That delicate, satin-draped frame? ["Describe the abortion!"]
            As it clung to her thigh ["What? the ape-shit or the abortion?"] 
            How I started to cry ["I'd cry too if I had abortion on my thigh!"]
            'cause I wanted to be dressed just the same. 

            Give yourself over to absolute pleasure. 
            Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh. 
            Erotic nightmares, beyond any measure 
            And sensual daydreams to treasure forever. 
            Can't you just see it?  Oh, oh, oh. 

            Don't dream it, be it. (four times) 
            ["Waiter, there's a faggot in my soup - shut up, everybody'll want 
            one" ... "Look, it's a fruit-filled life-saver" ... "Frank's having 
            a wet dream" ... "Look, it's the S.S. Titanic; no wonder it sunk - 
            there were faggots on board - faggots'll go down on anything!" 
            "He even swims with a lisp!"]

            ["Last one in the pool is a heterosexual!"]  
All:        Don't dream it, be it. (twelve times) 

            (Unfreeze - Scott.  In on sixth time)  ["Who did that!"] 

Scott:      Ach! ["Choo!  Bless you!"]  We've got to get ["the fuck"] out of 
            this trap before this decadence ["Yay, decadence!"] saps our wills.
            I've got to be strong, and try to hang on, or else ["my face will 
            shake"] my mind ["and my shoe"] may well snap ["crackle!  pop!"] 
            and my life will be lived...["Hey, America, show us your 
            underalls!"] for the thrills! 

Brad:       It's beyond me;  help me Mommy! 

Janet:      God bless Lilly St. Cyr. 

            C. WILD AND UNTAMED THING 

Frank:      ["Hey Frank, whose pool is this, thirteen times?"]  
            My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my...my! 
            I'm a wild and an untamed thing. 
            I'm a bee with a deadly sting. 
            You get a hit and your mind goes ping. 
            Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing. 
            So let the party and the sounds rock on. 
            We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone. 
            Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain. 

All:        We're a wild and an untamed thing. 
            We're bees with a deadly sting. 
            You get a hit and your mind goes ping. 
            Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing. 
            So let the party and the sounds rock on. 
            We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone. 
            Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain. 
            (two times)

Riff Raff:  Frank N Furter, it's all over. 
            Your mission is a failure; 
            Your lifestyle's too extreme. 
            I'm your new commander; 
            You now are my prisoner. 
            We return to Transylvania. 
            Prepare the transit beam. 

Frank:      Wait!  ["What did you say when your mother caught you 
            butt-fucking the dog?"] I can explain!  ["I thought it was my 
            sister."]

            (Frank gives instructions to Columbia and Rocky) ["You get the
            lights...you get the other shit...God, I hope this works."]

            I'M GOING HOME 

            ["Ladies and gentlemen, for one night, and one night only, Judy
            Garland with Alfalfa's shadow!"]

Frank:      On the day I went away... 

All:        Goodbye... 

Frank:      Was all I had to say... 

All:        Now I... 

Frank:      I want to come again ["So does Brad"], and stay. ["hard"]

All:        Oh, my, my... 

Frank:      Smile, and that will mean I may. 
            'cause I've seen, oh, blue skies 
            Through the tears in my eyes 
            And I realize, I'm going home. [Echo: "I'm fucking stoned"]

All:        I'm going home. 

Frank:      ["Where do you fuck?"]  
            Everywhere ["how's it been?"] it's been the same... 

All:        ...feeling... 

Frank:      ["What's a golden shower feel like?"]
            ...like I'm outside in the rain... 

All:        ...wheeling... 

Frank:      ["How much is a blowjob?"]  
            ...free to try and find a game... 

All:        ...dealing... 

Frank:      ...cards for sorrow, cards for pain. [throw CARDS] 
            'cause I've seen, oh, blue skies 
            Through the tears in my eyes 
            And I realize, I'm going home. 

Frank & All: I'm going home. (3 times) 

            (applause)  ["Total eclipse of a transvestite", ad libs 
            about audience...]

Magenta:    How sentimental. ["You bitch!"] 

Riff Raff:  And also presumptuous of you.  You see, when I said WE were 
            to return to Transylvania, I referred only to Magenta and myself. 
            I'm sorry, however, if you found my words misleading, but ["F"]
            you see ["K"], you are to remain here, in spirit, anyway. 

Scott:      Great heavens!  That's a laser! 

Riff Raff:  Yes, Dr. Scott.  A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure 
            anti-matter.  ["Does that mean it doesn't matter?"]

Brad:       You mean...you're going to kill him?  What's his crime? 

Scott:      You saw what became of Eddy.  Society must be protected. 
            ["Fuck society!"  "Society's already fucked!"]

Riff Raff:  Exactly, Dr. Scott.  And now, Frank N Furter, your time has 
            come.  Say goodbye to all of this, ["Goodbye, all of this"] and 
            hello ["Hello"] to oblivion. ["Hi, oblivion, how's the wife  
            and kids?"] 

            ["A blink of the eye, a twitch of the lips,  
              First one to scream gets it in the tits!"] 
            (Columbia screams - gets zapped) 
            (Frank screams - gets zapped) 

            ["Rope, please!" ... "Thank you!" ... "He's not dead yet ... he's 
            dead now" - when Rocky falls on him... "Hey, there's a 
            chorus under that curtain"
            "Chest of steel...shoulder of steel...back of steel...
            transvestite of steel"]
            (Rocky moans over Frank's body - gets zap, zap, zap, zapped - falls 
            to his death)  ["Tower of plastic"]

Janet:      Oh!  You killed them! 

Magenta:    But I thought you liked them.  They liked you. 

Riff Raff:  ["Get paranoid!"] They didn't like me!  ["Get real paranoid!"] 
            He never liked ME! 

Scott:      You did right. ["Brownnoser, is that a shitstain or a moustache?"
            Shoot the cripple, they get all the best parking spaces"]

Riff Raff:  A decision had to be made. ["And I made it"]

Scott:      You're O.K. by me. ["Nanu, nanu...shazbot!"]

Riff Raff:  Dr. Scott, I'm sorry about your... ["dinner"]... nephew. ["Same
            thing"]

Scott:      Eddy? ["No, Penelope!"] 
            Yes, well, perhaps it was all for the best, heh, heh, heh. 
            ["He was delicios"]

Riff:       You should leave now, Dr. Scott, while it is still possible. 
            We are about to beam the entire house to the planet of Transexual, 
            in the galaxy of Transylvania ["in the state of New Jersey, just 
            ten minutes from the George Washington Bridge"].  Go... 
            Now. ["Does this mean we can't use the phone?"]

            Our mission is completed, my most ["Ugly Q-Tip"]  beautiful 
            sister ["If that's the beautiful one, I hate to see the ugly 
            one"], and soon we shall return to the moon-drenched shores of 
            ["Gitchy-goomy!"] our beloved planet ["Where the women look like
            cupcakes and the men have bananas on their heads"]

Magenta:    Sweet Transexual, land of night ["And high electric bills"]...
            To sing and dance once more in your dark embrace...to take that
            step to the right...

Riff Raff:  But it's the pelvic thrust...

All (flashback):  That really drives you insay-ya-yaaaane...

Magenta:    In our world, we'll do the Time Warp again!

            SUPER HEROES 

Brad:       I've done a lot; God knows I've tried 
            To find the truth.  I've even lied. 
            But all I know is down inside 

All:        I'm bleeding... 

Janet:      And super heroes come to the feast 
            To taste the flesh not yet deceased. 
            And all I know is still the beast 

All:        Is feeding... 
            Ahh, ahh... (etc.) 

            ["Stop the world, I want to get off!"] 

Narrator:   And crawling ["where?"] on the planet's face ["What did you  
            have for breakfast?"] 
            Some insects ["what're they called?"] called the human race... 
            ["Where's your fucking neck?"]
            Lost in time 
            ["What's your favorite TV show?"] And lost in space
            ["What does this movie lack?"]
            And meaning.  ["Sing it, it's important"]

All:        Meaning. 

            ["You forgot to turn off the globe!"]

            (in the film, the reprise of Science Fiction/Double Feature is 
            replaced by a reprise of Time Warp, during the closing credits.) 


            (SCIENCE FICTION/DOUBLE FEATURE - REPRISE 


Usherette:  Science Fiction 
            Double Feature. 
            Frank has built and 
            Lost his creature. 
            Darkness has conquered 
            Brad and Janet. 
            The servants gone to 
            A distant planet. 
            Wo, oh, oh, oh. 
            At the late night, double feature, 
            Picture show. 
            I want to go, oh, oh, oh. 
            To the late night, double feature, 
            Picture show.) 


/tmp/charlwoo% f Raff:  And also presumptuous of you.  You see, when I said W