Please Read This Bit Before Reading The Screenplay:

This is the official 'Unofficial' Monty Python And The Holy Grail
screenplay. This file contains the script as it was on March 20 1974,
before filming took place. There are many minor differences from what
appears here and what ended up on the screen. <I.E. A paraphrased word
or two or another character used a line... But generally in minor
lines like 'LOOK!'> This file also contains cut scenes and lines from
the film.

I tried to preserve as much of the screenplay as possible but it isn't
easy to cross out a section and pencil in new dialogue, in ASCII. Any
Scene or dialogue that was crossed out begins with a "|" before
it. Anything Penciled in has a "+", I also put cut information before
penciled in.

What is interesting about a screenplay is to see what they threw out
and what "Catch Phrases" were literally penciled in. The reason I
keyed in this file was caused by me downloading current transcript
going around internet. It was an amazing job... I wouldn't want to
have attempted what he did... But it wasn't in a good script format
and I didn't like how direction was written in. Since I HAD the real
screenplay I thought... What the hell!

After This I plan to key in "Monty Python's Second Film" it is the 1st
draft of the Holy Grail. It is the script that eventually got
cannibalized into sketches for the 4th season of Python. It Is sill
quite different and well worth a read. Is anybody interested in
it?????

Oh yes... I will STRESS this fact once more... THIS IS A
SCREENPLAY... So don't yell at me if a line is paraphrased in the
film... This is what was written before filming took place and it is
still quite accurate.

Enough of this...

-Grue (09-Aug-92)

P.S. TO AHH: DON'T YOU KNOW WHO CONNIE BOOTH OR CAROL CLEVELAND
IS?!?!?!AND DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT GRAHAM CHAPMAN SOUNDS LIKE?!?!?! Sorry
I just had to say that... As the complete and total bastard that I
am.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MONTY PYTHON
AND THE HOLY GRAIL

Screenplay by

JOHN CLEESE
GRAHAM CHAPMAN
TERRY GILLIAM
ERIC IDLE
TERRY JONES
MICHAEL PALIN




FINAL DRAFT 20.3.74.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL" Reel 1 (1A) Page 1
00.01 is the first action frame
which is 391.00 before the first
Clear Cut, which is Scene 4

Sc Spot
No. Complete DIALOGUE No. Start End Ftge.
------------------------- --------------------------
1 FADE IN:
Starts
00.01 TITLES ON BLACK B.G.

PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD
in association with
MICHAEL WHITE
presents

FADE OUT:
FADE IN: MUSIC STARTS

MONTY PYTHON
and
THE HOLY GRAIL
then:
M0nti Pyth0n ik den H0lie Gralen

FADE OUT:
FADE IN:

Written and preformed by:
GRAHAM CHAPMAN
JOHN CLEESE
ERIC IDLE
TERRY GILLIAM
TERRY JONES
MICHAEL PALIN
then:
R0tern nik Akten Di
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
with
CONNIE BOOTH
CAROL CLEVELAND
NEIL INNES
BEE DUFFELL
JOHN YOUNG
RITA DAVES
then:
Wik
TITLE OUT:
TITLE IN:
Also appearing
AVRIL STEWART
SALLY KINGHORN
then:
Als0 wik
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
Also also appearing
MARK ZYCOON ELSPETH CAMERON
MITSUKO FORSTATER SALLY JOHNSON
SANDY ROSE ROMILLY SQUIE
JONI FLNN ALISON WALKER
LORAINE WARD ANNA LANSKI
SALLY COOMBE VIVIENNE MACDONALD
YVONNE DICK DAPHNE DARLING
FIONA GORDON GLORIA GRAHAM
JUDY LAMS TRACY SNEDDON
SYLVIA TAYLOR JOYCE POLLNER
MARY ALLEN
then:
Als0 als0 wik
TITLE OUT:
TITLE IN:
Camera Operator HOWARD ATHERTON
Camera Focus JOHN WELLARD
Camera Assistant ROGER PRATT
Camera Grip RAY HALL
Chargehand Electrician TERRY HUNT
Lighting TELEFILM LIGHTING SERVICE LTD
ANDREW RICHIE AND SON LTD
TECHNICOLOR
Rosturm Cameraman KENT HOUSTON
then:
Wi n0t trei a h0liday in Sweden thi yer?
TITLE OUT:
TITLE IN:
Sound Recordist GARTH MARSHALL
Sound Mixer HUGH STRAIN
Boom Swinger GODFREY KIRBY
Sound Maintenance PHILIP CHUBB
Sound Assistant ROBERT DOYLE
Dubbing Editor JOHN FOSTER
Assistant Editors JOHN MISTER, NICK GASTER,
ALEXANDER CAMPBELL ASKEW,
BRIAN PEACHEY, DANIELLE KOCHAVI
Sound Effects IAN CRAFFORD
then:
See the l0veli lakes
TITLE OUT:
TITLE IN:
Continuity PENNY EYLES
Accountant BRIAN BROCKWELL
Production Secretary CHRISTINE WATT
Property Buyer BRIAN WINTERBORN
Property Master TOM RAEBURN
Property Men ROY CANNON, CHARLIE TORBETT,
MIKE KENNEDY
Catering RON HELLARD LTD
Vehicles BUDGET RENT-A-CAR
then:
The W0nderful teleph0ne system
TITLE OUT:
TITLE IN:
Assistant Art Director PHILIP COWLAM
Construction Manager BILL HARMAN
Carpenters NOBBY CLARK, BOB DEVINE
Painter GRAHAM BULLOCK
Stagehand JIM N. SAVERY
Rigger ED SULLIVAN
then:
And mani interesting furry animals
TITLE IN:
TITLE OUT:
With special extra thanks to
Charlie Knode, Brian McNully, John Gledhill, Peter
Thompson, Sue Cable, Valerie Charlton, Drew Mara,
Sue Smith, Charlie Coulter, Iain Monaghan, Steve
Bennell, Bernard Belenger, Alpini McAlpine, Hugh
Boyle, Dave Taylor, Garry Cooper, Peter Saunders, Less
Sheppard, Vaughn Millard, Mamish MacInnes, Terry Mosaic,
Bawn O'Beirne Ranelagh.

Made entirely on location in Scotland at Doune Castle,
Castle Stalker, Killin, Glen Coe, Arnhall Castle,
Braklim falls, Sherroffmiur.

By Python (Monty) Pictures Ltd., 20, Fitzroy Square,
London W1 England.
And completed at Twickenham Film Studios, England.

Copyright (c) 1974 National Film Trustee Company Lt.
All Rights Reserved.
then:
The producers would like to thank the Forestry Commission
Doune Admissions Ltd, Keir and Cawdor Estates, Stirling
University, and the people of Doune for their help in the
making of this film.

The Characters and incidents portrayed and the names used
are fictitious and any similarity to the names, characters,
or history of any person is entirely accidental and
unintentional.

Signed RICHARD M. NIXON

Including the majestic m00se
TITLE IN:
TITLE OUT:
Songs
NEIL INNIS

Additional music
DEWOLFE
then:
A M00se once bit my sister ...
TITLE IN:
TITLE OUT:
Costume Designer
HAZEL PETHING
then:
No realli! She was Karving her initials on the m00se
with the sharpened end of an interspace t00thbrush given
by Svenge - her brother-in-law - an Oslo dentist and
star of many Norwegian m0vies: "The H0t Hands of an Oslo
Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge M0lars of Horst
Nordfink".
TITLE OUT:
TITLE IN:
We apologize for the fault in the
subtitles. Those responsible have been
sacked.
then:
Mynd you, m00se bites Kan be pretty nasti ...
TITLE OUT:
TITLE IN:
We apologize again for the fault in the subtitles. Those
responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked
have been sacked.
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
Production Manager JULLIAN DOYLE
Assistant Director GERRY HARRISON
Special Effects JOHN HORTON
Choreography
Fight Director &
Period Consultant JOHN WALKER
Make-up Artists PEARL RASHBASS, PAM LUKE
Photography JULLIAN DOYLE
Animation Assistance LUCINDA COWELL, KATE HEPBURN
M00se Trained by TUTTE HERMSGERV0RDENBR0TB0RDA
DISSOLVE TO:
Lighting Cameraman TERRY BEDFORD
Special M00se Effects OLAF PROT
M00se Costumes SIGGI CHURCHILL
DISSOLVE TO:
Designer ROY SMITH
M00se Choreographed by HORST PROT III
Miss Taylor's M00ses by HENGST DOUGLAS-HOME
M00se trained to mix
concrete and sign com-
plicated insurance
forms by JURGEN WIGG
DISSOLVE TO:
Editor JOHN HACKNEY
M00ses' noses wiped by BJORN IRKESTORM-SLATER WALKER

Large m00se on the left
half side of the screen
in the third scene from
the end,given a thorough
grounding in Latin,
French and "O" Level
Geography by BO BENN

Suggestive poses for the
M00se suggested by VIC ROTTER
Antler-care by LIV THATCHER
TITLE OUT:
TITLE IN:
The directors of the firm hired to
continue the credits after the other
people had been sacked, with it to
be known that they have just been
sacked.

The credits have been completed
in an entirely different style at
great expense and at the last
minute.
FADE OUT:
TITLE ON YELLOW B.G
Executive Producer
JOHN GOLDSTONE & "RALPH" The Wonder Llama
TITLE OUT:
TITLE IN:
Producer
MARK FORSTARTER

Assisted by
EARL J. LLAMA
MIKE Q. LLAMA III
SY LLAMA
MERLE Z. LLAMA IX
TITLE OUT:
TITLE IN:
Directed by
40 SPECIALLY TRAINED
ECUADORAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS
6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS
142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS
14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS
(CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA)
REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON
76000 BATTERY LLAMAS
FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY
and
TERRY GILLIAM AND TERRY JONES
FADE OUT:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1 EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY

Mist. Several seconds of it swirling about. silence possibly,
atmospheric music. SUPERIMPOSE "England AD 787". after a few more
seconds we hear hoofbeats in the distance. They come slowly
closer. Then out of the mist comes KING ARTHUR followed by a SERVANT
who is banging two half coconuts together. ARTHUR raises his hand.

ARTHUR
Whoa there!

SERVANT makes noises of horses halting, with a flourish. ARTHUR peers
through the mist. CUT TO shot from over his shoulder: castle
(e.g. Bodium) rising out of the mist. On the castle battlements a
SOLDIER is dimly seen. He peers down.

SOLDIER
Halt! Who goes there?

ARTHUR 
It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of
Camelot. King of all Britons, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all
England!

Pause.

SOLDIER
Get away!

ARTHUR 
I am... And this my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the
length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join our
court at Camelot.. I must speak with your lord and master.

SOLDIER
What? Ridden on a horse?

ARTHUR
Yes!

SOLDIER
You're using coconuts!

ARTHUR
...What?

SOLDIER
You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging them together.

ARTHUR (Scornfully) 
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter
covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea.

SOLDIER
Where did you get the coconuts?

ARTHUR
Through ... We found them.

SOLDIER
Found them? In Mercea. The coconut's tropical!

ARTHUR
What do you mean?

SOLDIER
Well, this is a temperate zone.

ARTHUR 
The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or
the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are not
strangers to our land.

SOLDIER
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR
Not at all. They could be carried.

SOLDIER
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

| ARTHUR
| Why not?
|
| SOLDIER
| I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight inches long and
| weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky to find a coconut under a pound.
|

ARTHUR
It could grip it by the husk ...

SOLDIER 
It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple matter
of weight - ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not hold a a one pound
coconut.

ARTHUR 
Well, it doesn't matter. Go and tell your master that Arthur
from the Court of Camelot is here.

A Slight pause. Swirling mist. Silence.

SOLDIER 
Look! To maintain Velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings
four hundred and ninety three times every second. right?

ARTHUR
(irritated)
Please!

SOLDIER
Am I right?

ARTHUR
I'm not interested.

SECOND SOLDIER
(who has loomed up on the battlements)
It could be carried by an African swallow!

FIRST SOLDIER
Oh yes! An African swallow maybe ... but not a European
swallow. that's my point.

SECOND SOLDIER
Oh yes, I agree there ...

ARTHUR
(losing patience)
Will you ask your master if he wants to join the Knights of Camelot?!

FIRST SOLDIER
But then of course African swallows are non-migratory.

SECOND SOLDIER
Oh yes.

ARTHUR 
raises his eyes heavenwards and nods to PATSY. They turn and go
off into the mist.

FIRST SOLDIER
So they wouldn't be able to bring a coconut back anyway.

SECOND SOLDIER

Wait a minute! Suppose two swallows carried it together?

FIRST SOLDIER
No, they'd have to have it on a line.

Stillness. Silence again.


2 ANIMATION/LIVE ACTION SEQUENCE - DEATH AND DEVASTATION

CUT TO Terry Gilliam's sequence of Brueghel prints. Sounds of strange
medieval music. Discordant and sparse. Wailings and groanings. The
last picture mixes through into live action. BIG CLOSE UP of contorted
face upside down. A leg falls across it. Creaking noise. The bodies
lurch away from CAMERA to reveal they are amongst a huge pile of
bodies on a swaying cart that is lumbering away from CAMERA. It is
pulled by a couple of ragged, dirty emaciated WRETCHES. Behind the
cart walks another MAN who looks slightly more prosperous, but only on
the scale of complete and utter impoverishment. He wears a black hood
and looks sinister.

CART DRIVER
Bring out your dead!

We follow the cart through a wretched, impoverished plague-ridden
village. A few starved mongrels run about in the mud scavenging. In
the open doorway of one house perhaps we jug glimpse a pair of legs
dangling from the ceiling. In another doorway an OLD WOMAN is beating
a cat against a wall rather like one does with a mat. The cart passes
round a dead donkey or cow in the mud. And a MAN tied to a cart is
being hammered to death by four NUNS with huge mallets.

CART DRIVER

Bring out your dead!

There are legs stick out of windows and doors. Two MEN are fighting in
the mud - covered from head to foot in it. Another MAN is on his hands
in knees shoveling mud into his mouth. We just catch sight of a MAN
falling into a well.

CART DRIVER
Bring out your dead!

LARGE MAN
Here's one!

CART DRIVER
Ninepence.

BODY
I'm not dead!

CART DRIVER
What?

LARGE MAN
Nothing... There's your ninepence.

BODY
I'm not dead!

CART DRIVER
'Ere. He says he's not dead.

LARGE MAN
Yes he is.

BODY
I'm not!

CART DRIVER
He isn't.

LARGE MAN
He will be soon. He's very ill.

BODY
I'm getting better!

LARGE MAN
You're not. You'll be stone dead in a few minutes.

CART DRIVER
I can't take him like this. It's against regulations.

BODY
I don't want to go on the cart.

LARGE MAN
Don't be such a baby.

CART DRIVER
I can't take him.

BODY
I feel fine.

LARGE MAN
Do me a favor.

CART DRIVER
I can't.

LARGE MAN
Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes. He won't be long.

CART DRIVER
I promised I'd be at the Robinson's. They've lost nine today.

LARGE MAN
When's your next round?

CART DRIVER
Thursday.

BODY
I think I'll go for a walk.

LARGE MAN
You're not fooling anyone you know.
(to CART DRIVER)
Isn't there anything you could do?

BODY
(singing unrecognizably)
I feel happy... I feel happy.

The CART DRIVER looks at the LARGE MAN for a moment. Then they both do
a quick furtive look up and down the street. The CART DRIVER very
swiftly brings up a club and hits the OLD MAN. (Out of shot but the
singing stops after a loud bonk noise.)

LARGE MAN
(handing over the money at last)
Thanks very much.

CART DRIVER
That's all right. See you on Thursday.

They turn ... Suddenly all the village fall to their knees, touching
forelocks etc. ARTHUR and PATSY ride into SHOT, slightly nose to the
air, they ride through without acknowledging anybody. After they pass,
the LARGE MAN turns to the CART DRIVER.

LARGE MAN
Who's that then?

CART DRIVER
(Grudgingly)
I dunno, Must be a king.

LARGE MAN
Why?

CART DRIVER
He hasn't got shit all over him.


3 EXTERIOR - DAY

ARTHUR and PATSY riding. They stop and look. We see a castle in the
distance, and before it a PEASANT is working away on his knees trying
to dig up the earth with his bare hands and a twig. ARTHUR and PATSY
ride up, and stop before the PEASANT

ARTHUR
Old woman!

DENNIS
Man!

ARTHUR
Man. I'm sorry. Old man, What knight lives in that castle over there?

DENNIS
I'm thirty-seven.

ARTHUR
What?

DENNIS:
I'm thirty-seven ... I'm not old.

ARTHUR:
Well - I can't just say: "Hey, Man!'

DENNIS
Well you could say: "Dennis"

ARTHUR
I didn't know you were called Dennis.

DENNIS
You didn't bother to find out, did you?

ARTHUR
I've said I'm sorry about the old woman, but from the behind you looked ...

DENNIS
What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior ...

ARTHUR
Well ... I AM king.

DENNIS 
Oh, very nice. King, eh! I expect you've got a palace and fine
clothes and courtiers and plenty of food. And how d'you get that? By
exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma
which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our society!
If there's EVER going to be any progress ...

An OLD WOMAN appears.

OLD WOMAN
Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here ... Oh! how d'you do?

ARTHUR 
How d'you do, good lady ... I am Arthur, King of the Britons
... can you tell me who lives in that castle?

OLD WOMAN
King of the WHO?

ARTHUR
The Britons.

OLD WOMAN
Who are the Britons?

ARTHUR
All of us are ... we are all Britons.

DENNIS winks at the OLD WOMAN.

... and I am your king ....

OLD WOMAN 
Ooooh! I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an
autonomous collective ...

DENNIS 
You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship, A
self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes ...

OLD WOMAN
There you are, bringing class into it again ...

DENNIS
That's what it's all about ... If only -

ARTHUR
Please, please good people. I am in haste. What knight lives in that castle?

OLD WOMAN
No one live there.

ARTHUR
Well, who is your lord?

OLD WOMAN
We don't have a lord.

ARTHUR
What?

DENNIS 
I told you, We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune, we take it in
turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

ARTHUR
Yes.

DENNIS
... But all the decisions of that officer ...

ARTHUR
Yes, I see.

DENNIS 
... must be approved at a bi-weekly meeting by a simple
majority in the case of purely internal affairs.

ARTHUR
Be quiet!

DENNIS
... but a two-thirds majority ...

ARTHUR
Be quiet! I order you to shut up.

OLD WOMAN
Order, eh -- who does he think he is?

ARTHUR
I am your king!

OLD WOMAN
Well, I didn't vote for you.

ARTHUR
You don't vote for kings.

OLD WOMAN
Well, how did you become king, then?

ARTHUR 
The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering
samite, held Excalibur aloft from the bosom of the water to signify by
Divine Providence ... that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur ... That
is why I am your king!
|
| OLD WOMAN
| Is Frank in? He'd be able to deal with this one.
|

DENNIS 
Look, strange women lying on their backs in ponds handing out
swords ... that's no basis for a system of government. Supreme
executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some
farcical aquatic ceremony.

ARTHUR
Be quiet!

DENNIS 
You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause
some watery tart threw a sword at you!

ARTHUR
Shut up!

DENNIS 
I mean, if I went around saying I was an Emperor because some
moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would put me away!

ARTHUR
(Grabbing him by the collar)
Shut up, will you. Shut up!

DENNIS
Ah! NOW ... we see the violence inherent in the system.

ARTHUR
Shut up!

PEOPLE (i.e. other PEASANTS) are appearing and watching.

DENNIS (calling) 
Come and see the violence inherent in the
system. Help, help, I'm being repressed!

ARTHUR
(aware that people are now coming out and watching)
Bloody peasant!
(pushes DENNIS over into mud and prepares to ride off)

DENNIS
Oh, Did you hear that! What a give-away.

ARTHUR
Come on, patsy.

They ride off.

DENNIS
(in the background as we PULL OUT)
did you see him repressing me, then? That's what I've been on about ...


4 EXTERIOR - FOREST - DAY

MIX THROUGH to ARTHUR and PATSY riding through the forest. They pass
rune stones. We TRACK with them. CLOSE-UPS of their faces as they
ride. MIX to another TRACKING SHOT of them riding through the
forest. They come to a clearing and stop, looking ahead
intently. Their eyes light up.

Sound FX of fight.

CUT TO their eyeline. A clearing on the other side of which is a rough
wooden foot-bridge across a stream. At the start of the bridge a
tremendous fight is going on. A huge BLACK KNIGHT in black armor, his
face totally masked in a visor, is fighting a slightly smaller KNIGHT
in green armor. (Perhaps the GREEN KNIGHT's armor is identical to the
BLACK KNIGHT's save for the color.)

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY. They watch, growing more impressed as
they watch the fight.

CUT BACK TO the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT lunges at the BLACK KNIGHT,
who avoids the blow with a skillful side-step and parry, knocking the
sword out of the GREEN KNIGHT's hand.

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY even more impressed.

CUT BACK TO the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT has drawn out a particularly
nasty mace or spiked ball and chain, much longer than the BLACK
KNIGHT's sword.

ARTHUR narrows his eyes, wondering whether the BLACK KNIGHT will survive.

CUT BACK to the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT swings at the BLACK KNIGHT,
who ducks under the first swing, leaps over the second and starts to
close on the GREEN KNIGHT.

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY watching like a tennis match. Sound FX of
the fight reaching a climax. Four almighty clangs. Then Silence.

CUT BACK to see the GREEN KNIGHT stretched out. The BLACK KNIGHT
sheathes his sword.

ARTHUR looks at PATSY. Nods and they move forward.

CUT BACK TO the BLACK KNIGHT picking up the GREEN KNIGHT above his
head and hurling him into the river. ARTHUR and PATSY approach him.

ARTHUR
You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.

| BLACK KNIGHT
| Who dares to challenge the Black Knight?
|
| ARTHUR
| I do not challenge you.

The BLACK KNIGHT stares impassively and says nothing.

ARTHUR
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

Hint of a pause as he waits for a reaction which doesn't come. ARTHUR
is only slightly thrown.

... I seek the bravest and the finest knights in all the world to join
me in my court at Camelot ...

The BLACK KNIGHT remains silent

ARTHUR
You have proved yourself worthy. ... Will you join me?

Silence.

| ARTHUR
| A man of your strength and skill would be the chief of all my knights ...
|
| BLACK KNIGHT
| Never.
|
ARTHUR
You make me sad. But so be it. Come Patsy.

As he moves, the BLACK KNIGHT bars the way.

BLACK KNIGHT
None shall pass.

ARTHUR
What?

BLACK KNIGHT
None shall pass.

ARTHUR
I have no quarrel with you, brave Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.

BLACK KNIGHT
Then you shall die.

ARTHUR
I command you, as King of the Britons to stand aside.

BLACK KNIGHT
I move for no man.

ARTHUR
So be it!

ARTHUR draws his sword and approaches the BLACK KNIGHT. A furious
fight now starts lasting about fifteen seconds at which point ARTHUR
delivers a mighty blow which completely severs the BLACK KNIGHT's left
arm at the shoulder. ARTHUR steps back triumphantly.

ARTHUR
Now stand aside worthy adversary.

BLACK KNIGHT
(Glancing at his shoulder)
'Tis but a scratch.

ARTHUR
A scratch? Your arm's off.

BLACK KNIGHT
No, it isn't.

ARTHUR
(Pointing to the arm on ground)
Well, what's that then?

BLACK KNIGHT
I've had worse.

ARTHUR
You're a liar.

BLACK KNIGHT
Come on you pansy!

Another ten seconds furious fighting till ARTHUR chops the BLACK
KNIGHT's other arm off, also at the shoulder. The arm plus sword, lies
on the ground.

ARTHUR
Victory is mine.
(sinking to his knees)
I thank thee O Lord that in thy ...

BLACK KNIGHT
Come on then.

ARTHUR
What?

He kicks ARTHUR hard on the side of the helmet. ARTHUR gets up still
holding his sword. The BLACK KNIGHT comes after him kicking.

ARTHUR
You are indeed brave Sir knight, but the fight is mine.

BLACK KNIGHT
Had enough?

ARTHUR
You stupid bastard. You haven't got any arms left.

BLACK KNIGHT
Course I have.

ARTHUR
Look!

BLACK KNIGHT
What! Just a flesh wound.
(kicks ARTHUR)

ARTHUR
Stop that.

BLACK KNIGHT
(kicking him)
Had enough ... ?

ARTHUR
I'll have your leg.

He is kicked.

Right!

The BLACK KNIGHT kicks him again and ARTHUR chops his leg off. The
BLACK KNIGHT keeps his balance with difficulty.

BLACK KNIGHT
I'll do you for that.

ARTHUR
You'll what ... ?

BLACK KNIGHT
Come Here.

ARTHUR
What are you going to do. bleed on me?

BLACK KNIGHT
I'm invincible!

ARTHUR
You're a loony.

BLACK KNIGHT
The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you!

ARTHUR takes his last leg off. The BLACK KNIGHT's body lands upright.

BLACK KNIGHT
All right, we'll call it a draw.

ARTHUR
Come, Patsy.

ARTHUR and PATSY start to cross the bridge.

BLACK KNIGHT 
Running away eh? You yellow bastard, Come back here and
take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!


5 EXTERIOR - DAY

A village. Sound of chanting of Latin canon, punctuated by short,
sharp cracks. It comes nearer. We see it is a line of MONKS ala
SEVENTH SEAL flagellation scene, chanting and banging themselves on
the foreheads with wooden boards. They pass a group of villagers who
are dragging a beautiful YOUNG WOMAN dressed as a witch through the
streets. They drag her to a strange house/ruin standing on a hill
outside the village. A strange-looking knight stands outside, SIR
BEDEVERE.

FIRST VILLAGER
We have found a witch. May we burn her?

ALL
A Witch! Burn her!

BEDEVERE
How do you know she is a witch?

ALL
She looks like one. Yes, she does.

BEDEVERE
Bring her forward.

They bring her forward - a beautiful YOUNG GIRL (MISS ISLINGTON)
dressed up as a witch.

WITCH
I am not a witch. I am not a witch.

BEDEVERE
But you are dressed as one.

WITCH
They dressed me up like this.

ALL
We didn't, we didn't!

WITCH
This is not my nose, It is a false one.

BEDEVERE takes her nose off.

BEDEVERE
Well?

FIRST VILLAGER
... Well, we did do the nose.

BEDEVERE
The nose?

FIRST VILLAGER
And the hat. But she is a witch.

ALL
A witch, a witch, burn her!

BEDEVERE
Did you dress her up like this?

FIRST VILLAGER
... Um ... Yes ... no ... a bit ... yes... she has got a wart.

BEDEVERE
Why do you think she is a witch?

SECOND VILLAGER
She turned me into a newt.

BEDEVERE
A newt?

SECOND VILLAGER
(After looking at himself for some time)
I got better.

ALL
Burn her anyway.

BEDEVERE
Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.

ARTHUR and PATSY ride up at this point and watch what follows with interest

ALL
There are? Tell up. What are they, wise Sir Bedevere?

BEDEVERE
Tell me ... what do you do with witches?

ALL
Burn them.

BEDEVERE
And what do you burn, apart from witches?

FOURTH VILLAGER
... Wood?

BEDEVERE
So why do witches burn?

SECOND VILLAGER
(pianissimo)
... Because they're made of wood...?

BEDEVERE
Good.

PEASANTS stir uneasily then come round to this conclusion.

ALL
I see. Yes, of course.

BEDEVERE
So how can we tell if she is made of wood?

FIRST VILLAGER
Make a bridge out of her.

BEDEVERE
Ah ... but can you not also make bridges out of stone?

ALL
Ah. Yes, of course ... um ... err ...

BEDEVERE
Does wood sink in water?

ALL
No, no, It floats. Throw her in the pond Tie weights on her. To the pond.

BEDEVERE
Wait. Wait ... tell me, what also floats on water?

ALL
Bread? No, no, no. Apples .... gravy ... very small rocks ...

ARTHUR
A duck.

They all turn and look at ARTHUR. BEDEVERE looks up very impressed.

BEDEVERE
Exactly. So... logically ...

FIRST VILLAGER
(beginning to pick up the thread)
If she ... weighs the same as a duck ... she's made of wood.

BEDEVERE
And therefore?

ALL
A witch! ... A duck! A duck! Fetch a duck.

FOURTH VILLAGER
Here is a duck, Sir Bedevere.

BEDEVERE
We shall use my largest scales.

He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed, made
of wood and rope and leather. They put the GIRL in one pan and the
duck in another. Each pan is supported by a wooden stave. BEDEVERE
checks each pan then ... ARTHUR looks on with interest.

BEDEVERE
Remove the supports.

Two PEASANTS knock them away with sledge hammers. The GIRL and the
duck swing slightly but balance perfectly.

ALL
A witch! A witch!

WITCH
It's a fair cop.

All
Burn her! Burn her! Let's make her into a ladder.

The VILLAGERS drag the girl away, leaving ARTHUR and BEDEVERE
regarding each other admiringly.

BEDEVERE
Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

ARTHUR
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

BEDEVERE
My liege ... forgive me ...

ARTHUR looks at PATSY with obvious satisfaction.

ARTHUR
Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
and join our number at the Round Table?

BEDEVERE
My liege, I am honored.

ARTHUR steps forward, drawing his sword, with a slight hint of difficulty

ARTHUR
What is your name?

BEDEVERE
Bedevere, my Liege.

ARTHUR
Then I dub you ... Sir Bedevere ... Knight of the Round Table!


|6 VARIOUS MONTAGE - ANIMATION
|
| VOICE OVER
| And so King Arthur gathered his knights together ... bringing from all the
| corners of the kingdom the strongest and bravest in the land ... To sit at
| The Round Table ...
|
| Under this voice over we have a montage of shots of ARTHUR recruiting his
| Knights:
|
| 1. ARTHUR, PATSY, BEDEVERE and PAGE riding through hillside.
| MIX TO:
|
| 2. A castle. LONG SHOT of SIR GAWAIN standing outside and ARTHUR's group
| approaching and shaking hands perhaps.
|
| 3. MIX TO the group now plus SIR GAWAIN and PAGE (who is weighted down by an
| enormous quantity of luggage) riding down by a stream and approaching SIR
| HECTOR. ARTHUR dubs him.
|
| 4. MIX TO the group (now plus HECTOR and PAGE) approaching some group of
| buildings or whatever. In the distance SIR ROBIN is being taught the lute by
| one of his MUSICIANS. ARTHUR calls and SIR ROBIN immediately reacts and
| hands the lute to his MUSICIAN and comes to join ARTHUR & CO.
|
| 5. MIX TO SIR GALAHAD surrounded by chickens. He is wearing a carpenters
| apron over his immaculate armor and is finishing off a hen-house. We see the
| group approach and he throws off the apron and puts down the hen-house and
| goes to join them.
|
| 6. MIX TO the group riding along again.
|
| 7. MIX TO SIR LAUNCELOT handing a BABY to his WIFE (who has several other
| CHILDREN hanging about) and he strides off to join ARTHUR, leaving his
| castle, WIFE and CHILDREN. The castle (Eilean Donan) has washing hanging
| outside it. A real family castle. There are at least six kids.
|
| 8. MIX TO the complete group, i.e. ARTHUR and PATSY, BEDEVERE and PAGE,
| GAWAIN and PAGE, HECTOR and PAGE, GALAHAD and PAGE, SIR ROBIN and
| six MUSICIANS, LAUNCELOT and PAGE.
+
+6 CLOSE-UP of a book on which is written:
+
+ THE BOOK OF THE FILM
+
+ VOICE OVER
+ The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights ...
+ but other illustrious names were soon to follow ...
+
+ Hand turns page.
+
+ VOICE OVER
+ Sir Launcelot the Brave ...
+
+ Hand turns page.
+
+ VOICE OVER
+ Sir Galahad the Pure ...
+
+ Hand turns page.
+
+ VOICE OVER
+ And Sir Robin-the-not-quite-so-pure-as-Sir-Launcelot ...
+
+ Hand turns page.
+
+ VOICE OVER
+ ... Who had nearly fought the Dragon of Agnor ...
+
+ Hand turns page.
+
+ VOICE OVER
+ ... Who had nearly stood up to to the vicious Chicken of Bristol ...
+
+ Hand turns Page.
+
+ VOICE OVER
+ ... and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill ... and
+ the aptly named ...
+
+ Hand turns page.
+ VOICE OVER
+ Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film.
+
+ Hand turns page.
+
+ VOICE OVER
+ Together they formed band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout
+ the centuries... The Knights of the Round Table ...
+
+ A gorilla's hand snatches away the hand.
+
+ Music swells and fades and we MIX THROUGH TO:


7 EXTERIOR - SUNSET

Fairly close HEAD-ON SHOT of the KNIGHTS riding along. BEDEVERE and
ARTHUR at the front of the group deep in conversation.

BEDEVERE
And that, my lord, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.

ARTHUR 
This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how
sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

BEDEVERE
OF course, my Liege ...

LAUNCELOT
(he points)
Look, my liege!

They all stop and look.

ARTHUR
(with thankful reverence)
Camelot!

CUT TO shot of amazing castle in the distance. Illuminated in the rays
of the setting sun.

Music.

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and the group. They are all staring with fascination.

GALAHAD
Camelot ...

LAUNCELOT
Camelot ...

GAWAIN
(at the back, to PAGE)
It's only a model.

ARTHUR
(turning sharply)
Sh!
(to the rest)
Knights! I bid you welcome to your new home! Let us ride ... to Camelot.

8 INTERIOR - NIGHT

CUT TO interior of medieval hall. A large group of armored KNIGHTS are
engaged in a well choreographed song-and-dance routine of the very
up-beat 'If they could see me now' type of fast bouncy number. The
poorer verses are made clearer by CUTTING to a group of knights
actually engaged in the described task while the line itself is
sung. They sing:

KNIGHTS
We're knights of the round table
We dance whene'er we're able
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable.
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.

We're knights of the Round Table
Our shows are formidable
But many times
We're given rhymes
That are quite unsingable
We're opera mad in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot.

Booming basses. A routine where two XYLOPHONISTS play parts of
KNIGHTS' armor producing a pleasing effect.

In war we're tough and able.
Quite indefatigable
Between our quests
We sequin vests
And impersonate Clark Gable
It's a busy life in Camelot.

SINGLE MAN
I have to push the pram a lot.

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and COMPANY as we had left them.

ARTHUR
No, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot.

KNIGHTS
Right!

ARTHUR
It is a silly place.

They set off again almost immediately they are suffused in ethereal
radiance and strange heavenly choir music. The PAGES, horselike, take
fright for a moment, they whinny and rattle their coconuts. ARTHUR and
the KNIGHTS fall on their knees. A holy voice booms out.

GOD
Arthur! Arthur ... King of the Britons ...

They all prostrate themselves even further

Oh, don't grovel ... do get up! If there's one thing I can't stand,
it's people groveling!!

ARTHUR and COMPANY rise.

ARTHUR
Sorry ...

GOD 
And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's
sorry this and forgive me that and I'm not worthy and ... What are you
doing now?

ARTHUR
I'm averting my eyes, Lord.

GOD
Well, don't.
| I really don't know where all this got started.
It's like those miserable psalms. they're so depressing. Now knock it off.

ARTHUR
Yes, Lord.

GOD 
Right. Arthur, King of the Britons, you're Knights of the Round
Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times
...

ARTHUR
Good idea, O Lord!

GOD
Course it's a good idea.

Suddenly another light glows beside GOD or possibly within the light
which is GOD a shape slowly starts to form.

Behold ... Arthur ... this is the Holy Grail ...
| the Sacred Cup from which Christ drank at the Last Supper ...

The form in the bright light is just discernible as an iridescent
chalice ... the KNIGHTS gasp.

Look well, Arthur ... for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail.

It begins to fade. Music crescendo as both lights fade.

That is your purpose Arthur ... the Quest for the Holy Grail ...

It is gone. All the KNIGHTS are left gasping in awe and
wonderment. They all turn and look at ARTHUR.

LAUNCELOT
A Blessing. A blessing from the lord.

| BEDEVERE
| Praise be to God!
|
| An awed pause, then ARTHUR rallies them.
|
| ARTHUR
| We have a task, we must waste no time! To Camelot!
|
+ GALAHAD
+ God be praised!

Stirring music crescendo. They ride off.

CUT TO TITLES SEQUENCE Animation: "The Quest For The Holy Grail" After
titles CUT TO:


9 EXTERIOR - CASTLE - DAY

MIX THROUGH one or two shots of them on their way again, until they
approach a terrific castle (a little one would do too). They advance
quite close to the castle and draw themselves into a line. At a signal
from ARTHUR the two PAGES step forward and give a brief fanfare.

A MAN appears on the battlements. ARTHUR addresses him.

ARTHUR
Hello.

MAN
'Allo. Whoo is eet?

ARTHUR 
I am King Arthur and these are the Knights of the Round
Table. Whose castle is this?

MAN
This is the castle of of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

ARTHUR 
Please go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
with a sacred quest, and if he will give us food and shelter for this
night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

MAN 
Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's
already got one, you see?

ARTHUR
What?

GALAHAD
He says they've already got one!

They are stunned.

ARTHUR
Are you sure he's got one?

MAN
Oh yes. It's very nice
+
+ CUT TO BATTLEMENTS. THE TAUNTER (MAN) turns to some others.
+
+ MAN
+ I told him we already got one.
+
+ They all giggle.
+

ARTHUR
Well ... can we come up and have a look?

MAN
Of course not! You are English pigs.

ARTHUR
Well, what are you then?

MAN
I'm French. Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king.

GALAHAD
What are you doing in England?

MAN
Mind your own business.

ARTHUR
If you will not show us the Grail we shall storm your castle.

Murmurs of assent.

MAN 
You don't frighten us, English pig-dog! Go and boil your bottoms,
son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you, so-called Arthur-king,
you and your silly English K...kaniggets.

He puts hands to his ears and blows a raspberry.

GALAHAD
What a strange person.

ARTHUR
Now look here, my good man!

MAN 
I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal,
food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother was a
hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

GALAHAD
Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

MAN
No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

ARTHUR
Now this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonab...
+
+ MAN
+ Fetchez la vache!
+
+ GUARD
+ Quoi?
+
+ MAN
+ Fetchez la vache!
+
CUT BACK TO battlements. A cow is led out of a stall.

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR.

ARTHUR 
Now that is my final offer. If you are not prepared to agree to
my demands I shall be forced to take ... Oh Christ!

A cow comes flying over the battlements, lowing aggressively. The cow
lands on GALAHAD'S PAGE, squashing him completely.

|
| ROBIN
| What a cruel thing to do.
|
| BEDEVERE
| (Choking back tears)
| It hadn't even been milked.
|
ARTHUR
Right! Knights! Forward!

ARTHUR leads a charge toward the castle. Various shots of them
battling on, despite being hit by a variety of farm animals.

ARTHUR
(as the MAN next to him is squashed by a sheep)
Knights! Run away!

Midst echoing shouts of "run away" the KNIGHTS retreat to cover with
the odd cow or goose hitting them still. The KNIGHTS crouch down under
cover.

LAUNCELOT
The sods! I'll tear them apart.

ARTHUR
(restraining LAUNCELOT from going out and having a go)
No!

BEDEVERE
I have a plan sir.

CUT BACK TO battlements of castle. FRENCH SENTRIES suspiciously
peering towards the English lines. Wind whistles.

Shot of the empty scrubland or undergrowth or woodland around the
castle. Emptiness. Wind. More shots of the FRENCH SENTRIES peering
into the dusk.

| As night falls. MIX THROUGH TO night On the battlements a brazier burns or
| torches on the wall as the SENTRIES peer into the dark. Shots of the
| woodland with fires burning where the English lines are.

During all this the sounds of extensive carpentry have possibly been
herd, followed by silence, followed by renewed outbursts or activity.

CLOSE-UP FRENCH looking very nervous. Dawn breaking. Shot of
woodland. Nothing. Wind. Dawn still breaking. Shots of the
FRENCH. They suddenly hear something. A faintly detectable squeaking
which is getting louder.

CUT TO WIDE SHOT of castle and woodland. Squeaking getting
louder. Shot of the FRENCH TAUNTER pointing. WIDE SHOT again. The
squeaking gets louder an enormous twenty-foot-high wooden rabbit is
wheeled out of the undergrowth into the open space in front of the
castle. The ENGLISH scuttle back into the undergrowth. The rabbit has
a large red bow tied round it and a rather crudely written label,
which reads "Pour votres amis Francais". The CHIEF TAUNTER looks at
it, narrowing his eyes. Then he turns and leaves battlements.

CUT TO ARTHUR and COMPANY watching from the bushes. The main gate of
the castle opens a little and the CHIEF TAUNTER's head sticks out,
then another Froggie head, then another. They mutter to each other in
French, look rather pleased, then rush out and start to pull the giant
rabbit in.

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and COMPANY behind some bushes watching.

ARTHUR
Now what happens?

BEDEVERE 
Well now, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall and
then leap out of the rabbit and take the French by surprise, not only
by surprise but totally unarmed!

ARTHUR
Who ... Who breaks out?

BEDEVERE 
Er ... We ... Launcelot, Galahad, and I ... Er ... leap out
of the rabbit and ...

LAUNCELOT covers his eyes.

BEDEVERE
Look, if we were to build a large wooden badger...

ARTHUR cuffs him. ARTHUR looks at the battlements. There is a loud
twang. Look of horror. The rabbit comes sailing over the battlements.


ARTHUR
Run away!

More shouts.

Run away!

| SIR GAWAIN
| (to his PAGE as they run away)
| It's only a model.
|
| ARTHUR
| Sh!

They continue to retreat. The rabbit lands on GAWAIN'S PAGE
(who is already weighed down by enormous quantity of luggage).


10 EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY

CUT TO a MAN in modern dress standing outside a castle. He speaks
straight to CAMERA in a documentary kind of way.

SUPERIMPOSE CAPTION: A Very Famous Historian.

HISTORIAN'S SPEECH 
Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly
disheartened King Arthur ... The ferocity of the French taunting took
him completely by surprise and Arthur became convinced that a new
strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be
brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his
closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the
Grail individually. Now, this is what they did. No sooner...

A KNIGHT rides into shot and hacks him to the ground. He rides off.

We stay for a moment on the glade. A MIDDLE-AGED LADY in a C. &
A. twin-set emerges from the trees and looks in horror at the body of
her HUSBAND.

MRS HISTORIAN
FRANK!

CUT TO animated frame, with the words "The Tale of Sir Robin" on it.
Pleasant pastoral music. MIX THROUGH TO:
+ VOICE: "The Tale Of Sir Robin"


11 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY

A KNIGHT is trotting along through a wooden sun-dappled glade,
followed by his trusty PAGE banging the usual half coconuts. As we see
them approach we hear the beautiful lilting sound of medieval music,
and see that the KNIGHT is followed by a small retinue of MUSICIANS in
thirteenth-century courtly costume, one sings, and plays the
tambourine, one bangs at a tabor (A small drum O.E.D.) and one plays
the pipes.

The KNIGHT looks very proud and firm as we hear the first part of the
song, but the combination of the lyrics and the large signs they pass,
start to have their effect ...

SONG:

Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot,
He was not afraid to die, Oh Brave Sir Robin,
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken;
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin.

His head smashed in, and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged,
And his nostrils raped, and his bottom burned off,
And his penis split ... and his ...

ROBIN
Er, That's ... That's enough music for a while, lads.
It Looks as though like there's dirty work afoot.

SINGERS
Brave, Sir Rob ...

ROBIN
Shut up.

They have ridden past the following signs, all in triplicate:-

+----------------------------+
| CAMELOT 43 CERTAIN DEATH I	|
| CAMELOT 43 CERTAIN DEATH I	|
| CAMELOT 43 CERTAIN DEATH I	|
+----------------------------+
+----------------------------------+
| BEWARE GO BACK DEAD PEOPLE ONLY	|
| BEWARE GO BACK DEAD PEOPLE ONLY	|
| BEWARE GO BACK DEAD PEOPLE ONLY	|
+----------------------------------+


12 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY

They now pass three KNIGHTS impaled to a tree. With their feet off the
ground, with one lance through the lot of them, they are skewered up
like a barbecue.

Then they pass three KNIGHTS sitting on the ground with one enormous
axe through their skulls. They look timorous.

| Then a huge tree is absolutely packed with MAIDENS tied to it. They all look
| fed up. SIR ROBIN calls out cheerfully as he passes.
|
| ROBIN
| Morning.
|
| ONE LADY
| Bye.
|

SIR ROBIN rides on a little way with the music building up enormous
and terrifying tension, until suddenly there standing before him is an
enormous THREE-HEADED KNIGHT.

THREE HEADS
Halt! Who art thou?

SINGERS
He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who ...

ROBIN
(to SINGERS)
Shut up. Oh, nobody really. just passing through.

THREE HEADS
What do you want?

SINGERS
To fight and ...

ROBIN
Shut up. Nothing really. just to pass through, good Sir knight.

THREE HEADS
I'm afraid not.
| This is my bit of the forest. Find your own bit.

ROBIN
I am a Knight of King Arthur's Round Table.
| I seek the Holy Grail - Stand aside and let me pass.

THREE HEADS
You are a Knight of the Round Table?

ROBIN
I am.

From now on the THREE HEADS speak individually.

SECOND HEAD
Shit.

FIRST HEAD
In that case I shall have to kill you.

SECOND HEAD
Shall I?

THIRD HEAD
Oh, I don't think so.

SECOND HEAD
I'm not sure.

MIDDLE HEAD
(to FIRST)
What do I think?

LEFT HEAD
I think kill him.
|
| SECOND HEAD
| I'm still not sure.
|
| THIRD HEAD
| All right. How many of me think I should kill him?
|
| FIRST HEAD
| I do.
|
| THIRD HEAD
| One.
|
| SECOND HEAD
| That's not a quorum.
|
| FIRST HEAD
| It is if I'm the Chairman.
|
| THIRD HEAD
| Oo, it's not.
|
| SECOND HEAD
| I'm the Chairman this week.
|
| FIRST HEAD
| You're not.
|
| SECOND HEAD
| Look, it'll make it much simpler if I vote with me.
|
| THIRD HEAD
| To kill him.
|
| SECOND HEAD
| Yeah.
|
| THIRD HEAD
| (tuts)
| Oh, damn.
|
| FIRST HEAD
| (to SIR ROBIN)
| Knight, I have decided to kill you.
|
| THIRD HEAD
| With one absenting.
|
| FIRST HEAD
| Knight, I have decided to kill you with one absenting.
|
| THIRD HEAD
| (to SIR ROBIN)
| Sorry about this but I have to be fair.
|
| ROBIN
| Oh, that's all right. So you are going to kill me with your big axe.
|
| FIRST HEAD
| Er no, with my sword.
|
| SECOND HEAD
| Dagger.
|
| THIRD HEAD
| Mace is quicker.
|
| FIRST HEAD
| No, no, the sword, it's easier.
|
| THIRD HEAD
| He said axe.
|
| ROBIN
| Look, hurry up six eyes, or I shall cut your head off.
|
| THIRD HEAD
| (to SIR ROBIN, referring to FIRST HEAD)
| For God's sake, CUT that one off, and do us all a favor.
|
| FIRST HEAD
| What do you mean?
|
| THIRD HEAD
| Yapping on all the time.
|
| SECOND HEAD
| You're lucky, you're not next to him.
|
| THIRD HEAD
| What do you mean?
|
| SECOND HEAD
| You snore.
|
| THIRD HEAD
| Oo, lies. Anyway, you've got bad breath.
|
| SECOND HEAD
| (aspirating heavily)
| I haven't.
|
| Both THIRD and FIRST HEADS turn away slightly, making faces.
|
| SECOND HEAD
| It's not my fault. It's what you both eat.
|
| FIRST HEAD
| Look, stop this bitching. We've got a knight to kill.
|
| SECOND HEAD
| He's buggered off.
|
| THIRD HEAD
| So he has. He's scampered.
|
| FIRST HEAD
| That's all your fault.
|
| THIRD HEAD
| No, it's not.
|
| FIRST HEAD
| (swipes at himself)
| Take that.
|
| SECOND HEAD
| Ow.
|
| FIRST HEAD
| I'm sorry.
|
| THIRD HEAD
| 'Ere, stop it. I'll teach you.
|
| The BODY starts laying into itself with sword and mace, while the HEADS
| argue and shout with pain. We PAN gently across to the MAIDENS on their
| tree. They are still very fed up.
|
| MAIDEN
| I suppose we're lucky he's only got three heads.
|
| LOVELY
| Chance would be a fine thing.
+
+ THIRD HEAD
+ Oh! let's be nice to him.
+
+ FIRST HEAD
+ Oh shut up.
+
+ ROBIN
+ Perhaps I could ...
+
+ FIRST HEAD
+ Oh! quick! get the sword out I want to cut his head off.
+
+ THIRD HEAD
+ Oh, cut your own head off.
+
+ SECOND HEAD
+ Yes - do us all a favor.
+
+ FIRST HEAD
+ What?
+
+ THIRD HEAD
+ Yapping on all the time.
+
+ SECOND HEAD
+ You're lucky, you're not next to him.
+
+ THIRD HEAD
+ What do you mean?
+
+ SECOND HEAD
+ You snore.
+
+ THIRD HEAD
+ Ooh, lies! anyway you've got bad breath.
+
+ SECOND HEAD
+ Well only because you don't brush my teeth ...
+
+ THIRD HEAD
+ Oh! stop bickering and let's go and have tea and biscuits.
+
+ FIRST HEAD
+ All right! All right! We'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.
+
+ SECOND HEAD
+ Yes.
+
+ THIRD HEAD
+ Oh! not biscuits ...
+
+ FIRST HEAD
+ All right! All right! not biscuits - but lets kill him anyway ...
+
+ WIDE-SHOT THE 3-HEADED KNIGHT is alone.
+
+ SECOND HEAD
+ He's buggered off!
+
+ THIRD HEAD
+ So he has! He's scampered.


13 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY

Quick sequence of SIR ROBIN. The music is jolly and bright, as if
triumphant. ROBIN is not at all happy with the lyrics.

SINGERS
Brave Sir Robin ran away.

ROBIN
I didn't.

SINGERS
Bravely ran away, away.

ROBIN
No, no, no.

SINGERS
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled
Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly he chickened out
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat
Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
Petrified of being dead
Soiled his pants then brave Sir Robin
Turned away and fled.

They disappear into distance.

ANIMATION: "The Tale Of Sir Galahad"


14 EXTERIOR - STORM - FOREST - DUSK

As the storm rages we pick up GALAHAD forcing his way through brambles
and over slippery rocks. Progress is hard. He pauses and at this
moment we hear the howling of wolves. GALAHAD turns, then hurries
onward even more urgently. Another louder, closer howl is herd and
GALAHAD stumbles and falls heavily. Though obviously injured he
bravely struggles forward a little and regains his feet reacting with
pain. More louder closer howling. He grips his sword valiantly and as
he glances around a flash of lightning reveals the silhouette of a
huge terrifying castle, perhaps looking rather derelict. He makes up
his mind in an instant and stumbles manfully toward it. More louder
howling. He reaches the forbidding and enormous doors of the castle
and beats on the doors with the handle of his sword, looking over his
shoulder the while. Pause. He beats again, shouting:

GALAHAD
Open. Open the doors. In the name of King Arthur. Open the doors.
| I am Sir Galahad, a knight of the Round Table.
|
| Some suitable noises are herd inside.
|
| I am on a quest for the Holy Grail. I seek shelter.

Some rattling chainy noises come from inside with huge bolts being
drawn. The wolves' howling is very close. As the door creaks open
GALAHAD steps quickly inside.  15 INTERIOR - CASTLE - NIGHT

From inside we see GALAHAD enter, wiping the rain from his eyes, and
turn as the door crashes behind him. GALAHAD turns to the door
reacting to the fact he is trapped.

ZOOT (OUT OF VISION)
Hello!

GALAHAD turns back. We see from his POV the lovely ZOOT standing by
him smiling enchantingly and a number of equally delectable GIRLIES
draped around in the seductively poulticed room. They look at him
smilingly and wave.

GIRLIES
Hello!

ZOOT
Welcome, gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.

GALAHAD
The Castle Anthrax?

ZOOT Yes. It's not a very good name, is it? But we are nice and we
shall attend to your every ... every need!

GALAHAD
Er ...
+ You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

ZOOT
The what? But you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!

MIDGET AND CRAPPER
Yes, O Zoot?

ZOOT
Prepare a bed for our guest.

MIDGET AND CRAPPER
(groveling with delight)
Oh thank you, Zoot, thank you, thank you.

ZOOT
Away varletesses!
(to GALAHAD)
The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.

GALAHAD
Well, look er, I ...

ZOOT
What is your name, handsome knight?

GALAHAD
Er ... Sir Galahad... the Chaste.

ZOOT
Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot
(she is very close to him for a moment)
But come.

She turns away and leads him towards a door leading to a corner
leading to the bedchamber

GALAHAD
Well Look, I'm afraid I really ought to be ...

ZOOT
Sir Galahad!!

There is a gasp from the other GIRLS

ZOOT
You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

GALAHAD looks at the other GIRLS. They are clearly on the verge of
being offended.

GALAHAD
Well ...

ZOOT 
(she moves off and GALAHAD unwillingly follows) I'm afraid our
life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but
eightscore young blondes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half,
cut off in this castle, with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a
lonely life ... bathing ... dressing ... undressing ... making
exciting underwear....

They reach the end of the corridor and enter the bedchamber.
ZOOT turns

ZOOT
We are just not used to handsome knights ...
(she notices him limping)
But you are wounded!

GALAHAD
No, It's nothing!

ZOOT
You must see the doctors immediately.
(she claps again)
You must lie down.

She almost forces him to lie on the bed as PIGLET and WINSTON enter
the room. They are equally beautiful and dressed exotically. They
approach GALAHAD.

PIGLET
Well, what seems to be the trouble?

GALAHAD
They're doctors?

ZOOT 
They have a basic medical training, yes. Now you must try to
rest. Dr. Winston! Dr. Piglet! Practice your art!!

WINSTON
Try to relax.

GALAHAD
No look, really, this isn't nescess ...

PIGLET
We must examine you.

GALAHAD
There's nothing wrong with ... that.

PIGLET
(slightly irritated)
Please ... we are doctors.

ZOOT reappears. GALAHAD tries for one brief moment to relax. Then
there is a sharp boing from the lower part of his armor. WINSTON
glances quickly in the appropriate direction as GALAHAD sits up and
starts getting off the bed and collecting his armor, saying:

GALAHAD
No, no, this cannot be. I am sworn to chastity!

PIGLET
Back to your bed! At once!

GALAHAD
I'm sorry, I must go.

GALAHAD hurries to the door and pushes through it. As he leaves the
room we CUT TO the reverse to show that he is now in a room full of
bathing and romping GIRLIES, all innocent, wide-eyed and
beautiful. They smile enchantingly at him as he tries to keep walking
without being diverted by the lovely sights assaulting his
eyeballs. He nods to them stiffly once or twice and then his eye
catches a particularly stunning YOUNG LADY. He visibly gulps with
repressed emotion and cannot resist saying:

|
| GALAHAD
| Good evening ... Ah, Zoot! Er ...
|
| DINGO
| No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
|
| GALAHAD
| Oh. Well, I'm sorry, but I must leave immediately.
|
| DINGO
| (very dramatically)
| No! Oh, no! Bad ... bad Zoot.
|
| GALAHAD
| Er, why?
|
| DINGO
| She has been lying again ... she told us you had promised to
| stay for ever!
|
| GALAHAD
| Oh!
+
+ GALAHAD
+ Oh ... will you excuse me?
+
+ DINGO
+ Where are you going?
+
+ GALAHAD
+ I have seen the Grail! I have seen it - here in this castle!
+
+ DINGO
+ No! Oh, no! Bad ... bad Zoot!
+
+ GALAHAD
+ What is it?
+
+ DINGO
+ Bad, wicked, naughty Zoot! She has been setting fire to our beacon, which -
+ I have just remembered - is grail-shaped ... It is not the first time we've
+ had this problem.
+
+ GALAHAD
+ It's not the real Grail?
+
+
 DINGO 
Wicked wicked Zoot ... she is a bad person and she must pay the
penalty. And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment
... you must tie her down on a bed ... and spank her. Come!

GIRLS
A spanking! A spanking!

DINGO 
You must spank her well and after you have spanked her you may
deal with her as you like and then ... spank me.

AMAZING
And spank me!

STUNNER
And me.

LOVELY
And me.

DINGO
Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

GIRLS
A spanking. A spanking. There is going to be a spanking tonight.

DINGO
And after the spanking ... the oral sex.

GALAHAD
Oh, dear! Well, I...

GIRLS
The oral sex ... The oral sex.

GALAHAD
Well, I suppose I could stay a BIT longer.

At this moment there is a commotion behind and SIR LAUNCELOT and
CONCORD, possibly plus GAWAIN, burst into the bathing area with swords
drawn and form themselves round SIR GALAHAD threatening the GIRLS.

LAUNCELOT
Sir Galahad!

GALAHAD
Oh ... hello ...

LAUNCELOT
Quick!

GALAHAD
Why?

LAUNCELOT
You are in great peril.

DINGO
No he isn't

LAUNCELOT
Silence! Foul temptress!

GALAHAD
Well, she's got a point.

LAUNCELOT
We'll cover your escape!

GALAHAD
Look - I'm fine!

GIRLS
Sir Galahad!

He threatens DINGO.

GALAHAD
No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

GIRLS
Yes, yes, let him Tackle us single-handed!

LAUNCELOT
Come Sir Galahad, quickly!

GALAHAD
No, really, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily!

DINGO
Yes, let him handle us easily.

LAUNCELOT
No sir. Quick!

He starts pulling GALAHAD away.

GALAHAD
No, please. Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred.

GIRLS
He will beat us easily. We haven't a chance.

DINGO
Oh shit!

By now LAUNCELOT and CONCORDE have hustled GALAHAD out of the bathing
area and are running through the outside door.

LAUNCELOT
We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

GALAHAD
(dragging his feet somewhat)
I don't think I was.

LAUNCELOT
You were, Sir Galahad, You were in terrible peril.

GALAHAD
Look, let me go back in there and face the peril?

LAUNCELOT
It's too perilous.

They are right outside the castle by now.

GALAHAD
Look, it's my duty as a knight to try and sample as much peril as I can.

LAUNCELOT
No, no, we must find the Grail.

The thunderstorm is over. A bunch (sic) of PAGES are tethered to a
tree with more MEN waiting. Their tethers are untied and the PAGES
start banging away with their coconuts. GALAHAD is swept along with
them as they ride off.

GALAHAD
Oh, let me go and have a bit of peril?

LAUNCELOT
No. It's unhealthy.

GALAHAD
... I Bet you're gay.

LAUNCELOT
No, I'm not.

GAWAIN or CONCORDE gives a knowing glance at LAUNCELOT. VOICE comes in as
they ride off.

VOICE OVER
Sir Launcelot had saved Galahad from almost certain
temptation but they were still lost, far from the goal of their search
for the Holy Grail. Only Bedevere and King Arthur himself, riding day
and night, had made any progress.


16 ANIMATION/LIVE ACTION

ARTHUR and BEDEVERE in the depths of a dark forest with an old blind
SOOTHSAYER. He lies in a broken down old woodsman's hut.

ARTHUR
And this "Enchanter" of whom you speak, he has seen the grail?

The SOOTHSAYER laughs forbiddingly, adding to the general spookiness
of this encounter.

ARTHUR
Where does he live?
(he stares into the blind eyes of the OLD MAN)
Old man ... where does he live ...

SOOTHSAYER
He knows of a cave ... a cave which no man has entered.

ARTHUR
And ... the Grail ... The Grail is there?

The BLIND MAN laughs again to himself.

SOOTHSAYER 
There is much danger ... for beyond the cave lies the Gorge
of Eternal Peril which no man has ever crossed.

ARTHUR
But the Grail ... where is the Grail!?

SOOTHSAYER
Seek you the Bridge of Death ...

ARTHUR
The Bridge of Death? ... which leads to the Grail?

The OLD MAN laughs sinisterly and mockingly. They look down and he is
gone. They stand up. Suddenly behind them is a noise. They turn
sharply in the door of the little hut is a cat. It miaows and is
gone. They slowly back out of the hut. As they touch the doorposts
they just flake away into dust. The whole hut is rotten. It collapses

Spooky music. They are thoroughly shaken, and they begin to hear
noises of people moving in the forest around them. They start to back
cautiously away from the hut, suddenly there is heavy footfall behind
them. They turn in fear and:

Sudden CUT TO BIG CLOSE-UP of a frightening black-browed evil face.

TALL KNIGHT OF NI
Ni!

ARTHUR and BEDEVERE recoil in abject fear. PATSY rears up with coconuts.

ARTHUR
(to PATSY)
Easy ... boy, easy ...

ARTHUR peers into the darkness.

Who are you?

SIX VOICES FROM DARKNESS
NI! ... Peng! ... Neeee ... Wom!

An extraordinary TALL KNIGHT in all black (possibly John with Mike on
his shoulders) walks out from the dark trees. He is extremely fierce
and gruesome countenance. He walks towards KING ARTHUR and PATSY, who
are wazzing like mad. (Salopian slang, meaning very scared. almost to
the point of wetting oneself, e.g. before an important football match
or prior to a postering. Salopian slang meaning a beating by the
school praeposters. Sorry about the Salopian slant to this stage
direction - Ed.)

ARTHUR
(wazzed stiff)
Who are you?
TALL KNIGHT
We are the Knights Who Say "Ni"!

BEDEVERE
No! Not the Knights Who Say "Ni"!

TALL KNIGHT
The same!

ARTHUR
Who are they?

TALL KNIGHT
We are the keepers of the sacred words. NI ... Peng ... and Neee
... Wom!

BEDEVERE
Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.

TALL KNIGHT
The Knights Who Say "Ni"! demand a sacrifice.

ARTHUR
(to the TALL KNIGHT)
Knights Who Say "Ni" ... we are but simple travelers. We seek the
Enchanter who lives beyond this wood and who ...

TALL KNIGHT
NI!

ARTHUR
(recoiling)
Oh!

TALL KNIGHT
NI! NI!

ARTHUR
(he cowers in fear)
Oh!

TALL KNIGHT
We shall say Ni! again to you if you do not appease us.

ARTHUR
All right! What do you want?

TALL KNIGHT
We want ... a shrubbery!

ARTHUR
A what?

TALL KNIGHT
Ni! Ni! Ni ... Peng ... Nee ... Wum!

The PAGES rear and snort and rattle their coconuts.

ARTHUR
All right! All right! ... No more, please. We will find you a shrubbery ...

TALL KNIGHT
You must return here with a shrubbery or else ... you shall not pass
through this wood alive!

ARTHUR
Thanks you, Knights Who Say Ni! You are fair and just. We will return
with a shrubbery.

TALL KNIGHT
One that looks nice.

ARTHUR
Of course.

TALL KNIGHT
And not too expensive.

ARTHUR
Yes ...

TALL KNIGHT
Now - go!

ARTHUR and BEDEVERE turn and ride off.

OTHER KNIGHTS
Ni! Ni!

Shouts of "Ni" and "Peng" ring behind them.


17 EXTERIOR - DAY

CUT BACK TO the HISTORIAN lying in the glade. His WIFE, who has been
kneeling beside him, rises as two POLICE PATROLMEN enter the
glade. They bend over her HUSBAND. One takes out a notebook.

CUT TO and animated title - "The Tale of Sir Launcelot"


18 INTERIOR - PRINCE'S ROOM IN CASTLE - DAY

A young, quite embarrassingly unattractive PRINCE is gazing out of a
castle window. His FATHER stands beside him. He is also looking
out. The PRINCE wears a long white undershirt (like a night shirt).

FATHER
One day, lad, all this will be yours ...

PRINCE
What - the curtains?

FATHER
No! Not the curtains, lad ... All that ...
(indicates the vista from the window)
all that you can see, stretched out over the hills and
valleys ... as far as the eye can see and beyond ...
that'll be your kingdom, lad.

PRINCE
But, Mother ...

FATHER
Father, lad.

PRINCE
But, Father, I don't really want any of that.

FATHER
Listen, lad, I built this kingdom up from nothing. All I had when I
started was swamp ... other kings said I was daft to build a castle on
a swamp, but I built it all the same ... just to show 'em. It sank
into the swamp. So I built a another one ... that sank into the
swamp. I built another one ... That fell over and THEN sank into the
swamp .... So I built another ... and that stayed up. ... And that's
what your gonna get, lad: the most powerful kingdom in this island.

PRINCE
But I don't want any of that, I'd rather ...

FATHER
Rather what?

PRINCE
I'd rather ... just ... sing ...

MUSIC INTRO

FATHER
You're not going to do a song while I'm here!

Music stops.

Listen, lad, in twenty minutes you're going to be married to a girl
whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

PRINCE
I don't want land.

FATHER
Listen, Alice ...

PRINCE
Herbert.

FATHER
Herbert ... We built this castle on a bloody swamp, we need all the land we
can get.

PRINCE
But I don't like her.

FATHER 
Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful
... she's rich ... she's got huge tracts of land ...

PRINCE 
I know ... but ... I want the girl that I marry to have ... a
certain ... special ... something ...

MUSIC INTO FOR song.

FATHER
Cut that out!

Music cuts off abruptly.

You're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea! Guards!

TWO GUARDS enter and stand to attention on either side of the door
One of them has hiccoughs and does so throughout.

FATHER
Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.

FIRST GUARD
Not ... to leave the room ... even if you come and get him.

FATHER
No. Until I come and get him.

SECOND GUARD
Hic.

FIRST GUARD
Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

FATHER
No ... You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.

FIRST GUARD
... and you'll come and get him.

SECOND GUARD
Hic.

FATHER
That's Right.

FIRST GUARD
We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.

FATHER
Leaving the room.

FIRST GUARD
Leaving the room ... yes.

FATHER
Got it?

SECOND GUARD
Hic.

FARTHER makes to leave.

FIRST GUARD
Er ... if ... we ... er ...

FATHER
Yes?

FIRST GUARD
If we ... er ...
(trying to remember what he was going to say)

FATHER
Look, it's simple. Just stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the room.

SECOND GUARD
Hic.

FATHER
Right?

FIRST GUARD
Oh, I remember ... can he ... er ... can he leave the room with us?

FATHER
(carefully)
No .... keep him in here ... and make sure he doesn't ...

FIRST GUARD 
Oh, yes! we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had
to leave and we were with him.

FATHER
No ... just keep him in here.

FIRST GUARD
Until you, or anyone else ...

FATHER
No, not anyone else - just me.

FIRST GUARD
Just you ...

SECOND GUARD
Hic.

FIRST GUARD
Get back.

FATHER
Right.

FIRST GUARD
Okay. Fine. We'll remain here until you get back.

FATHER
And make sure he doesn't leave.

FIRST GUARD
What?

FATHER
Make sure he doesn't leave.

FIRST GUARD
The Prince ... ?

FATHER
Yes ... make sure ...

FIRST GUARD
Oh yes, of course! I thought you meant him!
(he points to the other GUARD and laughs to himself)
You know it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when he's a guard ...

FATHER
Is that clear?

SECOND GUARD
Hic.

FIRST GUARD
Oh, yes. That's quite clear. No problems.

FATHER pulls open the door and makes to leave the room. The GUARDS follow.

FATHER
(to the GUARDS)
Where are you going?

FIRST GUARD
We're coming with you.

FATHER 
No, I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the
room until I get back.

FIRST GUARD
Oh, I see, Right.

They take up positions on either side of the door.

PRINCE
But, Father.

FATHER
Shut your noise, you, and get that suit on!

He points to a wedding suit on a table or chair. FATHER throws one
last look at the BOY and turns, goes out and slams the door.

The PRINCE slumps onto window seat, looking forlornly out of the
window. MUSIC INTRO to song ...

The door flies open, the music cuts off and FATHER pokes his head in.

FATHER
And no singing!

SECOND GUARD
Hic.

FATHER
(as he goes out.)
Go and have a drink of water.

FATHER slams the door again. The GUARDS take up their positions. The
SON gazes out of the window again ... sighs ... thinks ... a thought
strikes him ... he gets up, crosses to his desk and scribbles a quick
note and impales it on an arrow ... takes a bow down from the wall
... and fires the arrow out of the window.

He looks wetly defiant at the GUARDS, who smile pleasantly.


15 EXTERIOR - A FOREST - DAY

CUT TO the middle of the forest. SIR LAUNCELOT is riding along with a
trusty servant, CONCORDE.

LAUNCELOT
And ... o v e r ... we go!

He strides over a big tree trunk ... his "horse" does run and jump ...

LAUNCELOT
(enthusiastically)
Well taken, Concorde!

CONCORDE
Thank you, sir, most kind ...

LAUNCELOT
And another!

CONCORDE misses a beat.

Steady! Good ... and the last one ...

CONCORDE does the run-up with the coconuts. He does the break for the
leap ... there is a thwack. SIR LAUNCELOT is waiting for the horse to
land.

CONCORDE
Message for you, sir.

He falls forward revealing the arrow with the note.

LAUNCELOT
Concorde - speak to me.

He realizes he might be in danger and so starts to crawl off ... when
he notices the note. He takes it out and reads it.

LAUNCELOT 
(reading) "To whoever finds this note - I have been
imprisoned by my father who wishes me to marry against my will. Please
please please please come and rescue me. I am in the tall tower of
Swamp Castle."

SIR LAUNCELOT's eyes light up with holy inspiration.

LAUNCELOT
At last! A call! A cry of distress ...
(he draws his sword, and turns to CONCORDE)
Concorde! Brave, Concorde ... you shall not have died in vain!

CONCORDE
I'm not quite dead, sir ...

LAUNCELOT
(a little deflated)
Oh, well ... er brave Concorde! You shall not have been fatally
wounded in vain!

CONCORDE
I think I could pull through, sir.

LAUNCELOT
Good Concorde ... stay here and rest awhile.

He makes to leap off dramatically.

CONCORDE
I think I'll be all right to come with you, sir.

LAUNCELOT 
I will send help, brave friend, as soon as I have
accomplished this most daring, desperate adventure in this genre.

CONCORDE
Really, I feel fine, sir.

LAUNCELOT
Farewell, Concorde!

CONCORDE
It just seems silly ... me lying here.

SIR LAUNCELOT plunges off into the forest.

20 EXTERIOR - CASTLE GATEWAY - DAY

Two hanging banners one each side of the gate with the monogram: "H & L".

TWO SENTRIES with spears ... slightly weddingly ... red ribbons on
their right spears. We can hear from inside revelry and celebration
music.

We hear LAUNCELOT's footsteps. The TWO SENTRIES are watching him. One
of them raises his hand.

|
| FIRST SENTRY
| Halt, friend ...
|

LAUNCELOT leaps into SHOT with a mighty cry and runs the GUARD through
and hacks him to the floor. Blood. Swashbuckling music
(perhaps). LAUNCELOT races through into the castle screaming.

SECOND SENTRY
Hey!

He looks down at his mutilated comrade.


21 EXTERIOR - DAY

CUT TO inside of the castle grounds or courtyard.

in the sunlight beautifully dressed WEDDING GUESTS are
arriving. Converging on a doorway. A country dance in progress.

SIR LAUNCELOT rushes towards them.

CUT TO HAND-HELD CLOSE-UPS as he charges through the crowd, hacking
right and left a la Errol Flynn at all who come in his way.

He fights his way through the country dance. Blood. Shrieks. Bemused
looks of GUESTS - not horror so much as uncomprehending surprise.

Possibly Errol Flynn music.

One COUNTRY DANCER is left holding just a hand.

Right and left the GUESTS crumple in pools of blood as he fights his
way through the door and into the main hall.


22 INTERIOR - DAY

CUT TO interior of main hall. Sound of busy preparations. MEN setting
up huge hogsheads of wine. MEN putting up last minute flower
arrangements. COOKS bearing huge trays of food, pies, suckling pigs, a
swan, boar's head, etc.

The BRIDE being dressed by several ATTENDANTS. FATHER ordering
SERVANTS around - organizing the STEWARDS etc.

SIR LAUNCELOT bursts through the middle of them, slashing heroically,
hacking, wounding and killing. Again fairly CLOSE-UP chaotic SHOTS. We
see GUESTS stagger back wounded - a COOK bites the dust, etc.

SIR LAUNCELOT eventually reaches the staircase ... runs up it and into
a small door.


23 INTERIOR - DAY

CUT TO SIR LAUNCELOT running up spiral staircase. He reaches the door
of the PRINCE's room. he flings it open.

FIRST GUARD
Ah! Now ... we're not allowed to ...

SIR LAUNCELOT runs him through, grabs his spear and stabs the other
guard who collapses in a heap. Hiccoughs quietly.

SIR LAUNCELOT runs to the window and kneels down in front of the
PRINCE, averting his head.

LAUNCELOT
Oh, fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Launcelot, from the
Court of Camelot. I have come to take you ...  (he looks up for the
first time and his voice trails away) away ... I'm terribly sorry ...

PRINCE
You got my note!

LAUNCELOT
Well ... yes ...

PRINCE
You've come to rescue me?

LAUNCELOT
Well ... yes ... but I hadn't realized ...

PRINCE
(his eyes light up)
I knew that someone would come. I knew ... somewhere out there
... there must be ...

MUSIC INTRO to song.

FATHER
(suddenly looking in the door)
Stop that!

Music cuts out.

FATHER sees SIR LAUNCELOT still kneeling before his son.

FATHER
Who are you?

PRINCE
I'm ... your son ...

FATHER
Not you.

LAUNCELOT
(half standing self-consciously)
I'm ... er ... Sir Launcelot, sir.

PRINCE
He's come to rescue me, father.

LAUNCELOT
(embarrassed)
Well, let's not jump to conclusions ...

FATHER
Did you kill all those guards?

LAUNCELOT
Yes ... I'm very sorry ...

FATHER
They cost fifty pounds each!

LAUNCELOT
Well, I'm really am most awfully sorry but I ... I can explain everything ...

PRINCE
Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot. I've got a rope here all ready ...

He throws a rope out of the window which is tied to a pillar in the
room. He looks rather pleased with himself that he has got it all
ready.

FATHER
You killed eight wedding guests in all!

LAUNCELOT
Er, Well ... the thing is ... I thought your son was a lady.

FATHER
I can understand that.

PRINCE
(half out of the window)
Hurry, brave Sir Launcelot!

FATHER
(to his SON)
Shut up!
(to LAUNCELOT)
You only killed the bride's father - that's all -

LAUNCELOT
Oh dear, I didn't really mean to...

FATHER
Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head!

LAUNCELOT
Gosh - Is he all right?

FATHER
You even kicked the bride in the chest! It's going to cost me a fortune!

LAUNCELOT
I can explain ... I was in the forest ... riding north from Camelot
... when I got this note.

FATHER
Camelot? Are you from Camelot?

The PRINCE's head peeps over the windowsill.

PRINCE
Hurry!

LAUNCELOT
I am, sir. I am a Knight of King Arthur.

FATHER
'Mm ... very nice castle, Camelot ... very good pig country....

LAUNCELOT
Is it?

PRINCE (out of vision)
I am ready, Sir Launcelot.

FATHER
Do you want to come and have a drink?

LAUNCELOT
Oh ... that's awfully nice.

PRINCE (OOV)
(loud and shrill)
I am ready!

As they walk past the rope, the FATHER nonchalantly cuts with his
knife. There is no sound except after a pause a slight squeal from
very far away as the PRINCE makes contact with the ground.

LAUNCELOT
It's just that when I'm in this genre, I tend to get over-excited and
start to leap around and wave my sword about ... and ...

FATHER
Oh, don't worry about that ... Tell me ... doesn't Camelot own that
stretch of farmland up by the mountains?

He puts his arm round LAUNCELOT's shoulders as they go though the door.


24 INTERIOR - DAY

CUT TO the great hall. GUESTS wounded and bloody, are tending to the
dead and injured, sighs and groans, the PRINCESS in her white wedding
dress is holding her chest and coughing blood. People dabbing the
stains off her dress.

FATHER and SIR LAUNCELOT start to walk down the grand
staircase. Talking to each other.

One of the GUESTS notices and points to SIR LAUNCELOT.

GUEST
There he is!

As one man all remaining able-bodied MEN look up and make for the
staircase, muttering angrily. SIR LAUNCELOT grabs his sword.

FATHER
Hold it!

But it is too lake. SIR LAUNCELOT cannot be stopped. With fearless
abandon he throws himself into the CROWD and starts hacking and
slashing. He has carved quite a number up before the FATHER can stop
him and pulls him back onto the stairs. Renewed groans and cries.


FATHER
(shouting above noise)
Hold it! Please!
LAUNCELOT
Sorry! Sorry ...
(with bitter self reproach)
There you See ... I just got excited again and I got carried away
... I'm ever so sorry.
(to the CROWD)
Sorry.

CROWD kneeling round their wounded again. Moans etc.

GUEST
He's killed the best man!

SECOND GUEST
(holding a limp WOMAN)
He's killed my auntie.

FATHER
No, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker
and argue about who killed who ... We are here today to witness the
union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy
wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen
to his death.

Murmurs from CROWD; the BRIDE smiles with relief, coughs.

But I don't want to think I've not lost a son ... so much as gained a
daughter ...

Smattering of applause.

For, since the tragic death of her father ...

SHOUT FROM BACK
He's not quite dead!

FATHER
Since the fatal wounding of her father ...

SHOUT FROM BACK
I think He's getting better!

FATHER nods discreetly to a SOLDIER standing to one side. The SOLDIER
slips off. FATHER's eyes watch him move round to where the voice came
from.

FATHER
For ... since her own father ... who ... when he seemed about to
recover ... suddenly felt the icy ... hand of death upon him.

A scuffle at the back.

SHOUT FROM BACK
Oh, he's died!

FATHER
I want his only daughter, from now onwards, to think of me as her old
dad ... in a very real and legally binding sense.

Applause.

And I'm sure sure ... that the merger ... er ... the union between the
Princess and the brave but dangerous Sir Launcelot of Camelot ...

LAUNCELOT
What?

Gasp from the CROWD.

CROWD
The dead Prince!

There is CONCORDE holding "THE DEAD PRINCE" in his arms.

CONCORDE
He's not quite dead!

PRINCE
I feel much better.

FATHER
You fell out of the Tall Tower you creep!

PRINCE
I was saved at the last minute.

FATHER
How?

PRINCE
Well ... I'll tell you ...

MUSIC INTRO to song. CONCORDE stands the SON on his feet and adopts
cod "and now a number from my friend" pose.

FATHER
Not like that!

But the music doesn't stop and the CROWD starts to sing.

CROWD
He's going to tell.

FATHER
Shut up!

CROWD
He's going to tell ...

FATHER
(screaming)
Shut UP!

As the song starts the FATHER tries yelling at them and eventually gives
up. SIR LAUNCELOT joins CONCORDE in the CROWD.
|
| LAUNCELOT
| We must escape. Quickly before the song.
|
| CONCORDE
| Come with me, sir.
|
| LAUNCELOT
| You're not right for this genre ... I must escape more dramatically.
|
+
+ CONCORDE
+ Quickly, sir, come this way!
+
+ LAUNCELOT
+ No! It's not right for my idiom. I must escape more ... more ...
+
+ CONCORDE
+ Dramatically, sir?
+
+ LAUNCELOT
+ Dramatically.
+
CROWD
He's going to tell
He's going to tell
He's going to tell about his great escape.
Oh he fell a long long way
But he's here with us today
What a wonderful ... escape.

CONCORDE goes. SIR LAUNCELOT runs back up the stairs, grabs a rope of
the wall and swings out over the heads of the CROWD in a swashbuckling
manner towards a large window. He stops just short of the window and
is left swing pathetically back and forth.

+
+ LAUNCELOT
+ Excuse me ... could somebody give me a push ...
+

25 EXTERIOR - A DESERTED VILLAGE - DUSK

Toothless old CRONE by the roadside. ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and two PAGES
ride up and draw up alongside the CRONE.

ARTHUR
Is there anywhere where we could buy a shrubbery?

The OLD CRONE crosses herself with a look of stark terror.

CRONE
Who sent you?

ARTHUR
The Knights Who Say Ni!

CRONE
Aaaagh!
(she looks around in rear)
No! We have no shrubberies here.

BEDEVERE
Surely, there must be.
|
| ARTHUR restrains from threatening the LADY.
|
| ARTHUR
| (aside)
| It will be not good to argue. These simple people are terrified of the
| Knights Who Say Ni!
|
| CRONE
| (she cowers)
| Ohhh!
|
| ARTHUR takes BEDEVERE further aside.
|
| ARTHUR
| There is only one way to get the information we want ...
|
| BEDEVERE
| Send her a letter from a long way away?
|
| ARTHUR
| Er, no ... no, we must ...
|
| BEDEVERE
| Talk to her in funny voices?
|
| ARTHUR
| (slightly crossly)
| No ...
|
| BEDEVERE
| How about trying ourselves to a tree?
|
| ARTHUR
| (grittily)
| No. Our only hope is to make her as afraid of us as she is of the awful
| Knights Who Say Ni!
|
| BEDEVERE
| (sagely)
| Ah! Hit ourselves with a big rock ...
|
| He nods knowingly.
|
| ARTHUR
| (tolerantly but firmly)
| No. Nothing we do to ourselves will frighten her as much as what we can do
| to her ...
|
| BEDEVERE
| Ah!
|
| ARTHUR
| We must threaten to say "Ni"!
|
| BEDEVERE
| (terror)
| Oh, no.
|
| They reapproach the OLD CRONE who is cowering more than ever.
|
ARTHUR
Listen, old crone! Unless you tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my
friend and I will ... we will say "Ni!"

CRONE
Do your worst!
| I have herd the Knights say "Ni"! in the night. I have herd the hideous
| Peng! and they have said "Nee-wum"! to my sister but still I have not
| revealed ...

ARTHUR
Very well, old crone. Since you will not assist us voluntarily
... "Ni"!

CRONE
No. Never. No shrubberies.

ARTHUR
Ni!

BEDEVERE
Nu!

ARTHUR
No. Ni! More like this. "Ni"!

BEDEVERE
Ni, ni, ni!

ARTHUR
| It's not working.
You're not doing it properly. Ni!

BEDEVERE
Ni!

ARTHUR
That's it. Ni! Ni!

A PASSER-BY on a horse is observing them.

ROGER
Are you saying "Ni" to that old woman?

ARTHUR
Erm, yes.

ROGER
Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say "Ni" at
will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land! nothing is
sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under
considerable economic stress at this point in time.

ARTHUR
Did you say shrubberies?

ROGER
Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the
Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.

BEDEVERE
(rather aggressively, to ROGER)
Ni!

ARTHUR
No. No. No!
26 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DUSK

CUT TO the glade in the forest again.

ARTHUR
Oh, Knights of Ni, here is your shrubbery. May we go now?

TALL KNIGHT
That is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly - But there
is one small problem.

ARTHUR
What is that?

TALL KNIGHT
We are now no longer the Knights Who Say Ni!

ONE KNIGHT
Ni!

OTHERS
Sh!

ONE KNIGHT
(whispers)
Sorry.

TALL KNIGHT
We are now the Knights Who Go Neeeow ... wum ... ping!

OTHERS
Ni!

OTHERS
Ni!

ONE KNIGHT
Peng!

OTHERS
Ni!

OTHERS
Sh! Sh!

TALL KNIGHT
Therefore ... we are no longer contractually bound by any agreements
previously entered into by the Knights Who Say Ni!

ONE KNIGHT
Ni!

ANOTHER
Peng!

ANOTHER
Sh!

TALL KNIGHT
Shut up!
(to ARTHUR)
Therefore, we must give you a test, a Test to satisfy the Knights who
say Neeeow ... wum ... ping!

OTHERS
(terrific chorus)
Neeeow ... wum ... ping!

ARTHUR
What is this test, Knights of N...
(can't say it)
... Recently Knights of Ni!

KNIGHT
Ni!

TALL KNIGHT
Firstly. You must get us another shrubbery!

OTHER KNIGHTS
(half seen)
More shrubberies! More shrubberies for the ex-Knights of Ni!

ARTHUR
Not another shrubbery -

TALL KNIGHT
When you have found the shrubbery, place the shrubbery here, beside
this shrubbery ... only slightly higher, so you get a two-level effect
with a path through the middle.

OTHER KNIGHTS
A path! A little path for the late Knights of Ni!

Chorus of "Ni! Ni!"

TALL KNIGHT
When you have found the shrubbery, then you must cut down the
mightiest tree in the forest ... with a herring.

OTHER KNIGHTS
Yes! With a herring! With a herring! Cut down with a herring!

ARTHUR
We shall do no such thing ... let us pass!

TALL KNIGHT
Oh, please!

ARTHUR
Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done!

OTHER KNIGHTS
(they all recoil in horror)
Oh!

TALL KNIGHT
Don't say that word.

ARTHUR
What word?

TALL KNIGHT
I cannot tell you. Suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of
Ni! cannot hear!

ARTHUR
How can we not say the word, if you don't tell us what it is?

TALL KNIGHT
(cringing in fear)
You said it again!

ARTHUR
What, "is"?

TALL KNIGHT
(dismissively)
No, no ... not "is"!

OTHER KNIGHTS
Not "is"! Not "is"!

Suddenly singing is heard from deep in the forest.

SIR ROBIN'S SINGERS
Bravely good Sir Robin was not at all afraid To have his eyeballs skewered ...

TALL KNIGHT
(irritated)
"Is" is all right ... You wouldn't get far not saying "Is"!

BEDEVERE
My liege, it's Sir Robin!

TALL KNIGHT
(covering his ears)
You've said the word again!

SIR ROBIN and his SINGERS appear in the clearing. The SINGERS are
going on cheerfully as usual and ROBIN walks in front of them,
continually embarrassed at their presence.

SINGERS
... and his kidneys burnt and his nipples skewered off ...

ROBIN holds his hand up for silence.

ARTHUR
Sir Robin!

He shakes his hand warmly.

ROBIN
My liege! It's good to have found you again ...

TALL KNIGHT
Now he's said the word!

ARTHUR
Where are you going good Sir Robin?

ROBIN'S SINGERS
(starting up again)
He was going home ... he was giving up, He was throwing in the sponge.

ROBIN
(to SINGERS)
Shut up! No ... er ... no ... I ... er ... I ... er ... I certainly
wasn't giving up ... I was actually looking for the grail ... er thing
... in this forest.

ARTHUR
No ... it lies beyond this forest.

TALL KNIGHT
Stop saying the word!

OTHER KNIGHTS
Stop saying the word! The word we cannot hear! The word ...

ARTHUR
(losing his patience with the fearful KNIGHTS OF "NI")
Oh, stop it!

Terrific confusion amongst the KNIGHTS OF "NI", they roll on the
ground covering their ears. The TALL KNIGHT remains standing trying to
control his MEN.

OTHER KNIGHTS
They're all saying the word ...

TALL KNIGHT
Stop saying it. AAAArghh! ... I've said it ...

OTHER KNIGHTS
You've said it! Aaaaarghhh! ... We've said it ... We're all saying it.

ARTHUR beckons to BEDEVERE and ROBIN and they pick their way through
the helpless KNIGHTS OF "NI" and away into the forest.


27 EXTERIOR - HISTORIAN'S GLADE - DAY

We CUT TO an almost subliminal shot of the HISTORIAN'S WIFE being
shown into a police car, which then roars off out of the glade

| CUT BACK to the forest. The Knights of "NI" are slowly recovering. they
| get up.
|
| TALL KNIGHT
| Well, At least We've got ONE shrubbery.
|
| OTHER KNIGHTS
| Yes, Yes ... We've Done very Well ... NI!
|
| TALL KNIGHT
| Ssh! I think somebody's coming. We'll get them to give us
| another shrubbery.
|
| OTHER KNIGHTS
| Good Idea. More shrubberies. As many as possible.
|
| Perhaps we start to TRACK BACK from the scene as they go on talking.
|
| TALL KNIGHT
| What shall we call ourselves this time?
|
| KNIGHT
| How about "The knights of Nicky-Nicky"?
|
|
|28 EXTERIOR - DAY
|
| A Small group of PEASANTS are being shuffled into a group formation, at the
| apparent direction of someone behind the camera. A Few coughs as they
| shuffle together. a moment of silence. then they burst into pleasant
| (mellifluous) song.
|
| Song: When the trees do blossom full
| and all the hills are green
| Oh! Oh! We sing
| hey! hey! We sing
| our count....ry Song...
|
| A hail of arrow hits them and they crumple up. sound of raucous laughter OFF
| CAMERA.
|
| CUT TO Reveal a firing squad of ARCHERS kneeling not ten feet away from the
| group of SINGERS.
|
| Sitting on the throne on a dais is KING BRIAN THE WILD. He is roaring with,
| and his court is slightly shabby - bearing all the marks of a faded
| richness. it is a court without women, and nobody does the washing or shaves
| very well. Perhaps there is washing however on the line over the castle.
| KING BRIAN'S ADVISERS stand around him. Everyone bears the signs of past
| injuries (Except for BRIAN himself) I.E. they have an arm in a sling or head
| bandaged; all the people at court, except for BRIAN have their left arm
| missing (possibly the result of some violent edict a few years back)
|
| KING BRIAN
| HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO! HA! HA! HA! HA! Oh! Very good! Next!
|
| FIRST ADVISER
| (a Little uncomfortably - perhaps his arm is in a sling obviously giving him
| some pain) There are no more, Sir.
|
| KING BRIAN
| (grabbing him by the collar)
| What do'you mean you filthy dog!
|
| FIRST ADVISER
| There are no more close harmony groups in the kingdom, Sir.
|
| KING BRIAN
| No more close harmony groups!!!
|
| FIRST ADVISER
| We have scoured the kingdom.
|
| KING BRIAN
| (lifting him bodily into the air and breaking his arm again slightly)
| You Miserable worm! you wretch! You Walking son of a dunghill keeper!
| Guards!
|
| Two Rather shabby looking GUARDS approach. (as everyone else they also have
| their left arms missing)
|
| FIRST ADVISER
| have mercy your MAJESTY!
|
| KING BRIAN
| GUARDS! Take him away and suspend him by his nostrils from the highest tree
| in the kingdom!
|
| The Guards grab him unmercifully and drag him off. he whines piteously.
|
|
|29 EXTERIOR - DAY
|
| CUT BACK to the glade where the KNIGHTS OF NI! were. A police car roars up.
| Two PLAINCLOTHES DETECTIVE and a CONSTABLE get out, look around
| suspiciously, perhaps kneel and examine the ground. one POLICEMAN finds
| PATSY's shoe and the other finds a strange scientific instrument that was
| hanging from BEDEVERE.
|
| They nod grimly to each other. Climb back in the car and drive off.
|
|
|30 EXTERIOR - DAY
|
| Back in KING BRIAN's Court. the FIRST ADVISER has been dragged off. there
| are muffled screams coming from the nearby tree. the FIRST ADVISER is being
| hauled up it on pulleys.
|
| SECOND ADVISER
| Your Majesty, I can Find you a Lute player, whose music is passing sweet.
|
| KING BRIAN
| It's not the same, You thick-headed fool!
| (KING BRIAN hits him on the back of the head. he falls.)
| There's no fun in killing soloists!
|
| SECOND ADVISER
| (picking himself up)
| He may have a friend...
|
| KING BRIAN
| GUARDS!
|
| SECOND ADVISER
| Oh Please your majesty! Please!
|
| KING BRIAN
| Take him away and tie his kidneys to the longest hedge in the kingdom!
|
| The GUARDS drag the ADVISER roughly away.
|
| SECOND ADVISER
| No!
| (he is dragged off screaming and protesting)
|
| KING BRIAN
| (roaring at the rest of the court)
| I will personally disembowel the next little bastard who tells me that there
| are no more close harmony ...
|
| At this moment we hear faintly the sound of singing. KING BRIAN stopped to
| listen. The entire COURT turns thankfully towards the mellifluous sounds.
|
| We're the knights of the round table 
| our shows are formidable
| but many times we're given rhymes
| that are quite unsingable...
|
| KING BRIAN
| Wait a minute! Five point harmony with a counter-tenor lead!
|
| Various members of the COURT sigh and breathe more easily.
|
| CREEP
| Thank goodness.
|
| KING BRIAN
| Shut up!
| (punches him right on the end of the nose and shouts to the SECOND ADVISER)
| Oy you!
|
| SECOND ADVISER
| (doubled-up, Surrounded by soldiers busy with his stomach)
| Yes, Your majesty?
|
| KING BRIAN
| Go and get 'em!
|
| SECOND ADVISER
| (gratefully)
| Thank you sir!
| (He staggers off with some difficulty)
|
| GUARD
| 'ere... We'd just started taking his kidneys out.
|
| CUT TO ARTHUR,BEDEVERE,GALAHAD and LANCELOT. (Garwin,thrstam, Hecrot)
| plus all their pages. there are riding along singing cheerily.
|
| KNIGHTS
| We're baby mad and Camelot
| we nurse and push the pram a lot
| in war we're tough and able
| quite indefatigable
| between our quests we sequin vests
| and dress like Betty gable
| it's a...
|
| SECOND ADVISER
| HALT!
|
| SIR GALAHAD
| Who are you who dares to halt the knights of king Arthur's round table in
| mid-verse?
|
| SECOND ADVISER
| I bring greetings from the court of king Brian.
|
| SIR LANCELOT
| King Brian the wild?
|
| SECOND ADVISER
| Some call him that, but he's calmed down allot recently.
|
| SIR GALAHAD
| Are those YOUR kidneys?
|
| SECOND ADVISER
| (covering his stomach)
| No no... It's nothing - just a flesh wound.
| (The KNIGHTS look at each other)
| he has herd your beautiful melody; and wishes you to come to his court, that
| he may listen at his ease ooh!
|
| SIR LANCELOT
| You must be joking!
| (general murmur or agreement from the other KNIGHTS.)
| Go to the court of king Brian the wild and sing close harmony!
|
| OTHER KNIGHTS
| No fear etc.
|
| SECOND ADVISER
| (in increasing pain)
| It need not be close harmony oooh agh!
|
| SIR GALAHAD
| Ah but it would get round to close harmony, wouldn't it?
|
| SECOND ADVISER
| Not necessarily ... As I say king Brian is much more relaxed than he used to
| be.
|
| SIR GALAHAD
| I mean could we just stick to one line of plainsong with a bit of straight
| choral work?
|
| SECOND ADVISER
| Well obviously he'd prefer a bit of close harmony arghhh!
|
| KNIGHTS
| Ah! There you are!
|
| SIR LAUNCELOT
| We'd end unlike the Shalott Choral Society.
|
| SECOND ADVISER
| Oh that was an accident - honestly he's so calm now oh!
|
| ARTHUR
| No we must be on our way.
|
| They start off.
|
| SECOND ADVISER
| (by now lying on the ground at his last gasp but still trying to sound
| threatening) If you don't come and sing for him ... ah ... he'll drive ...
| oh ... iron spikes though your heads.
|
| KNIGHTS
| Ah! That sounds more like Brian the wild!
|
| SECOND ADVISER
| (looking helplessly at his intestines)
| He ... he ... still gets irritable occasionally.
|
| SIR GALAHAD
| Like with close harmony groups.
|
| SECOND ADVISER
| Ooh ... Look if you're scared ...
|
| SIR LANCELOT
| We're not SCARED!
|
| SECOND ADVISER
| (With his last ounce of strength)
| Very well! King Brian challenges your to sing before him in close harmony!
|
| ARTHUR
| A challenge?
|
| The KNIGHTS look at each other rather taken aback but an idealistic glow
| suffuses KING ARTHUR's eyes as he looks heaven-wards. The other KNIGHTS look
| at him rather fearfully.
|
| ARTHUR
| (majestically)
| It is a challenge. We cannot refuse.
|
| SIR GALAHAD
| King Brian's a fucking loony.
|
| SECOND ADVISER
| Great!
| (dies)
|
| SIR GALAHAD
| Are you all right?
|
| CUT TO KING BRIAN the wild on his dias. he sees the KNIGHTS enter the arena.
|
| KING BRIAN
| Ah good!
|
| CUT TO TRUMPETERS who executes a rather bad fanfare full of missed notes.
| meanwhile various SHOTS of preparation.
|
| KING BRIAN settling down.
|
| KNIGHTS being led up to the podium. The last of the previous close harmony
| group is being loaded onto a cart and pushed away by the cart driver from
| scene tow (Perhaps we see him being paid off)
|
| SHOT of KING BRIAN on his podium and the HERALD being untied and having his
| gag removed.
|
| SHOT of ARTHUR and KNIGHTS getting into a group on the podium still rather
| nervous.
| The fanfare comes to an end, and several wrong notes.
|
| KING BRIAN
| (who can't wait)
| RIGHT! Carry on gentleman.
|
| HERALD
| KING BRIAN SAYS CARRY ON!
|
| ARTHUR
| (whispering)
| All right ... two tenor lines - I'll take the base.
|
| They all nod.
|
| One... Two... Three...
|
| Sound of Bows being drown very near by.
|
| ARTHUR looks up and frowns.
|
| CUT to reveal a line of twenty ARCHERS they all have their left leg missing,
| but they DO have
| two arms.
|
| Their arrows are drawn back and point directly at ARTHUR & CO.
|
| ARTHUR
| Hold it! Err ... King Brian!
|
| HERALD
| (Louder than ever)
| ARTHUR OF CAMELOT ADDRESSES THEE OH MIGHTY KING BRIAN!
|
| KING BRIAN
| (truculently)
| What?
|
| ARTHUR
| What are THEY For?
| (Indicates the archers)
|
| KING BRIAN
| Them? they're... just to show you where the audience would be.
|
| ARTHUR
| Well we'd prefer to do it without an audience.
|
| KING BRIAN
| Oh you've GOT to have an AUDIENCE!
|
| HERALD
| KING BRIAN THE WISE AND GOOD RULER OF THIS LAND SAYS YOU'VE GOT TO
| HAVE AN AUDIENCE!
|
| ARTHUR
| We'd rather give a private recital.
|
| HERALD
| THEY SAY THEY'D RATHER GIVE A PRIVATE RECITAL! O WISE GOOD AND JUST
| KING BRIAN AND NOT THE LEAST BIT WILD!
|
| KING BRIAN
| (to himself)
| Turds...
|
| HE nods to the ARCHERS who turn and hop smartly off in step.
|
| ONE-LEGGED RSM
| Left ... Left ... Left, left, left, left
| Left ... Left ... Left, left, left, left.
|
| They hop round behind a long fence and disappear from sight
| (Fence needs to be about 7 or 9 feet high)
|
| KING BRIAN
| Right! Ready when you are.
|
| HERALD
| KING BRIAN IS READY!
|
| ARTHUR
| And ... One ... Two ... Three ... Four ...
|
| They are just about to sing when the ARCHERS, bows read and arrows points,
| peep over the top of the fence.
|
| HOLD IT!
|
| SIR GAWAIN
| (singing)
| We're
|
| Quick flash of ARCHERS sensed to fire, one tires to hold his shot back but
| fails and fires his arrows by accident in the air.
|
| Quick flash of FIRST ADVISER who is hanging by his nostrils from the
| highest tree in the kingdom, moaning, getting hit by the arrow.
|
| KING BRIAN
| What is it now?
|
| ARTHUR
| We're not entirely happy with the acoustics.
|
| HERALD
| THEY'RE NOT ENTIRELY HAPPY WITH...
|
| KING BRIAN
| (impatiently)
| Oh Sod the acoustics! Get on with the singing!
|
| HERALD
| KING BRIAN SAYS SOD THE ACOUSTICS!
|
| ARTHUR
| In that case we shall just have to perform elsewhere.
| (turns to his knights and begins to usher them off)
|
| HERALD
| THEY SAY IN THAT CASE THEY SHALL HAVE TO PERFORM ELSEWHERE, O RICH,
| FAMOUS AND EXTREMELY CALM KING!
|
| KING BRIAN
| (getting very angry and dribbling slightly)
| NO! you've GOT to sing on the target are - er - convert ... er ... thing ...
|
| HERALD
| KING BRIAN HAS STUMBLED OVER HIS WORDS! WHAT A WONDERFULLY
| HUMAN INCIDENT.
|
| KING BRIAN
| Don't editorialize!
|
| HERALD
| SORRY, KING.
|
| KING BRIAN
| Come on you bastards! Sing close harmony!
|
| KING BRIAN snaps his finders and the ARCHERS rise above the fence without
| any pretense it concealment - fitting arrows into their bows.
|
| HERALD
| KING BRIAN CALLS THEM BASTARDS AND DEMANDS TO HEAD CLOSE
| HARMONY! WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?
|
| KING BRIAN
| I said don't.
|
| HERALD
| Sorry, King.
|
| KING BRIAN
| Right! On the count of three ... one ...
|
| HERALD
| THE KING'S SAID ONE!
|
| KING BRIAN
| Two!
|
| HERALD
| THE KING'S SAID TWO! THEY'VE ONLY GOT ONE LEFT!
|
| We hear the sound of bows being drawn back. Tension mounts. the KNIGHTS
| all look pretty grim. The end is clearly pretty near.
|
| KING BRIAN
| (face in a paroxysm of blood-lust)
| Three!
|
| HERALD
| THREE!
|
| Sound in the distance of beautiful close harmony singing
|
| "Bravely, good sir robin was not at all afraid..."
|
| CUT TO see SIR ROBIN and his MINSTRELS approaching from round a corner of
| the castle. SIR ROBIN walks a few feet in from of the them looking rather
| embarrassed.
|
| KING BRIAN
| (turning to the sound)
| FANTASTIC!
|
| CUT BACK TO ROBIN'S MINSTRELS
|
| "To have his eyeballs skewered and his kidneys ... argh!"
|
| They are suddenly pin-cushioned with arrows.
|
| KING BRIAN
| HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO! Oh bloody marvelous!
|
| ROBIN turns and looks at the decimated remains of his MINSTRELS, surprised
| but relieved.
|
| ARTHUR
| Sir Robin! this way!
|
| ARTHUR leads is MEN off the platform and they are joined by their PAGES and
| make good their escape.
|
| KING BRIAN
| HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO!
|
| HERALD
| KING BRIAN'S SHOT THE WRONG GROUP!
|
| KING BRIAN
| Shut up!
|
| HE swings his sword and slices the HERALD'S head off.
|
| HERALD'S HEAD
| (as it rolls away)
| PRESS FREEDOM INFRINGED!
|

28 EXTERIOR - BEYOND FOREST - DAY - ANIMATION

Shots of ARTHUR etc. Riding out of the forest. They leave the forest
and they meet LAUNCELOT and GALAHAD.

VOICE OVER
And so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to
find the Enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in scene
twenty-four. Beyond the forest they met Launcelot and Galahad, and
there was much rejoicing.


29 EXTERIOR - ANOTHER LANDSCAPE - DAY - ANIMATION

VOICE OVER
In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels
... And there was much rejoicing ... A year passed ...

MONTAGE of shots of the KNIGHTS.

Autumn changed into Winter ... Winter changed into Spring ... Spring
changed back into Autumn and Autumn gave Winter and Spring a miss and
went straight on into Summer ... Until one day ...


30 EXTERIOR - WASTES - DAY

The KNIGHTS are riding along the top of a ridge. The country is wild
and inhospitable. Suddenly some of them see fire in the distance and
ride towards it. As they approach they see an impressive WIZARD figure
striding around conjuring up fire from the ground and causing various
bushes and branches to burst into flame.

ARTHUR
What manner of man are you that can conjure up fire without flint or tinder?

TIM
I am an enchanter.

ARTHUR looks at BEDEVERE.

ARTHUR
By what name are you known?

TIM
There are some who call me Tim?

ARTHUR
Greetings Tim the Enchanter!

TIM
Greetings King Arthur.

ARTHUR
You know my name?

TIM
I do.
(does another fire trick)
You seek the Holy Grail.

ARTHUR
That is our quest. You know much that is hidden O Tim.

TIM
(does another fire trick)
Quite.

Ripple of applause from the KNIGHTS.

ARTHUR
Yes we seek the Holy Grail.
(clears throat very quietly)
Our quest is to find the Holy Grail.

ONE OR TWO KNIGHTS
Yes it is.

ARTHUR
And so we're looking for it.

KNIGHTS
Yes, we are.

BEDEVERE
We have been for some time.

KNIGHTS
Yes.

ROBIN
Months.

ARTHUR
Yes ... and obviously any help we get is ... is very ... helpful.

GALAHAD
Do you know where it ...

TIM does another fire trick.

ALL OTHER KNIGHTS
Ssssh!

ARTHUR
Fine ... well er ... we mustn't take up anymore of your time ... I
don't suppose ... sorry to sort of keep on about it ... you haven't by
any chance ... aaah ... any idea where one might find ... a ... aaa
...

TIM
What?

ARTHUR
A G...g...g...

TIM
A Grail?

They all jump slightly and look about apprehensively.

ARTHUR
Er ... yes ... I think so.

ALL OTHER KNIGHTS
Yes.

TIM
Yes.

KNIGHTS
Fine.

ROBIN
Splendid!

OTHERS
Yes, marvelous.

TIM looks thoughtful and they all stand around a little. Then TIM produces
another fire trick producing several different colors.

ARTHUR
Look, you're a busy man ...

TIM
Yes, I can help you with your guest.

Slight pause.

ALL OTHER KNIGHTS
Thank you. Yes, thank you very much.

TIM
To the north there lies a cave, the cave of Caerbannog, wherein,
carved in mystic runes, upon the very living rock, the last words of
Olfin Bedwere of Rheged ...

There is a thunderclap and a wind starts. They KNIGHTS get nervous.

TIM
... make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.

ARTHUR
How shall we find this cave, O Tim?

TIM
Follow!

The KNIGHTS register delight and wheel round on themselves.

But follow only if you are men of valor. For the entrance to this cave
is guarded by a monster, a creature so foul and cruel that no man yet
has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about
its lair ... therefore sweet knights if you may doubt your strength or
courage come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty pointy
teeth.

+
+ ARTHUR
+ What an eccentric performance!
+

31 EXTERIOR - DAY

CUT TO impressive rock face with caves in it. The KNIGHTS are 'riding'
towards it. A foreboding atmosphere supervenes. TIM gives a signal for
quietness. ARTHUR shushes the 'horses'.

ARTHUR
Shhh!

The PAGES decrease the amount of noise they are making with the
coconuts for a few seconds. Then there is a burst of noise from them
including whinnying.

BEDEVERE
(to ARTHUR)
They're nervous, sire.

ARTHUR
Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot.

TIM takes a strange look at them. They walk on leaving the PAGES
behind. After a few more strides TIM halts them with a sign.

TIM
Behold the Cave of Caerbannog!

CUT TO shot of cave. Bones littered around. The KNIGHTS get the wind
up partially. A little dry ice, glowing green can be seen at the
entrance. Suddenly we become aware of total silence. Any noises the
KNIGHTS make sound very exaggerated. They unsheathe their swords.

ARTHUR
Keep me covered.

Stir among KNIGHTS.

BEDEVERE
What with?

ARTHUR
Just keep me covered.

TIM
Too late.

ARTHUR
What?

TIM
There he is!

They all turn,, and see a large white RABBIT lollop a few yards out of
the cave. Accompanied by terrifying chord and jarring metallic monster
noise.

ARTHUR
Where?

TIM
There.

ARTHUR
Behind the rabbit?

TIM
It is the rabbit.

ARTHUR
... You silly sod.

TIM
What?

ARTHUR
You got us all worked up.

BEDEVERE
You cretin!

TIM
That is not an ordinary rabbit ... 'tis the most foul cruel and
bad-tempered thing you ever set eyes on.

ROBIN
You tit. I soiled my armor I was so scared!

TIM
That rabbit's got a vicious streak. It's a killer!

GALAHAD
| Oh, fuck off.
+ Get stuffed.

TIM
He'll do you up a treat mate!

GALAHAD
Oh yeah?

ROBIN
| You turd!
+ Mangy scots git!

TIM
Look. I'm warning you.

ROBIN
What's he do? Nibble your bum?

TIM
Well, It's got huge ... very sharp ... it can jump a... look at the bones.

ARTHUR
Go on, Bors, chop its head off.

BORS
Right. Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew coming up.

TIM
Look!

As TIM points they all spin round to see the RABBIT leap at BORS'
throat with an appalling scream. From a distance of about twenty feet
there is a tin opening noise, a cry from BORS. A quick CLOSE-UP of a
savage RABBIT biting through tin and BORS' head flies off. The RABBIT
leaps back to the mouth of the cave and sits there looking in the
KNIGHTS' direction and growling menacingly.

ARTHUR
Je...sus Christ!

TIM
I warned you!

ROBIN
I done it again.

TIM
Did I tell you? Did you listen to me? Oh no, no, you knew better
didn't you? No, it's just an ordinary rabbit isn't it. The names you
called me. Well, don't say I didn't tell you.

ARTHUR
Oh, shut up.

TIM
(quietly)
It's always the same ... if I've said it once.

ARTHUR
Charge!

Ty all charge with swords drawn towards the RABBIT. A tremendous
twenty second fight with Peckinpahish shots and borrowing heavily also
on the Kung Fu and karate-type films ensues, in which some four
KNIGHTS are comprehensively killed.

Run away! Run away!

ALL KNIGHTS
(taking up cry)
Run away! Run away!

They run down from the cave and hide, regrouping behind some
rocks. TIM, some way away, is pointing at them and laughing
derisively.

TIM
Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

ARTHUR
Who did we lose?

LAUNCELOT
Sir Gawain.

GALAHAD
Ector.

ARTHUR
And Bors. Five.
+
+ GALAHAD
+ Three, sir!
+
ARTHUR
Three. Well, we'll not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit's dynamite.

ROBIN
Would it help to confuse him if we ran away more.

ARTHUR
Shut up. Go and change your armor.

ROBIN leaves, walking strangely.

GALAHAD
Let us taunt it. It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.

ARTHUR
Like what?

GALAHAD cannot find a suitable answer to this.

GALAHAD
Do we have any bows?

ARTHUR
No.

LAUNCELOT
We have the Holy Hand Grenade.

ROBIN
The what?

ARTHUR
The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. 'Tis one of the sacred relics
Brother Maynard always carries with him.

ALL
Yes. Of course.

ARTHUR
(shouting)
Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!

Slight pause. Then from the area where the 'HORSES' are, a small group
of MONKS process forward towards the KNIGHTS, the leading MONK bearing
and ornate golden reliquary, and the accompanying MONKS chanting and
waving incense. They reach the KNIGHTS. The hand grenade is suffused
with the holy glow.

ARTHUR takes it. Pause

ARTHUR
How does it ... er ...

LAUNCELOT
I know not.

ARTHUR
Consult the Book of Armaments.

BROTHER MAYNARD
Armaments Chapter Two Verses Nine to Twenty One.

ANOTHER MONK
(reading from bible)
And St. Attila raised his hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord bless
this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to
tiny bits, in thy mercy. "and the Lord did grin and people did feast
upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utans and
breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...

BROTHER MAYNARD
Skip a bit brother ...

ANOTHER MONK
... Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou
take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no
less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of
the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count
thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right
out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then
lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who
being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

ARTHUR
Right.

He pulls Pin out. The MONK blesses the grenade as ...

ARTHUR
(quietly)
One, two
| , three ...
+ , five ...
+
+ GALAHAD
+ Three, sir!
+
+ ARTHUR
+ Three.
+

ARTHUR throws the grenade at the RABBIT. There is an explosion and
cheering from the KNIGHTS.

ALL KNIGHTS
Praise be to the lord. Huzzah!

32 INTERIOR - CAVE - DAY

MIX THROUGH TO the KNIGHTS entering the cave. It is a large cave and
as they walk inside it we see in the darkness at the side of the cave
a fearsome looking CREATURE which watches them with some surprise as
they walk to some writing carved on the back of the cave wall. The
KNIGHTS are accompanied by BROTHER MAYNARD.

ARTHUR
There! Look!

BEDEVERE
What does it say?

GALAHAD
What language is this?

BEDEVERE
Brother Maynard, you are a scholar.

BROTHER MAYNARD
It is Aramaic!

GALAHAD
Of course. Joseph of Aramathea!

ALL
Of course.

ARTHUR
What does it say?

BROTHER MAYNARD
It reads ... "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathea."

Excitement.

"He who is valorous and pure of heart may find the Holy Grail in the
aaaaarrrrrrggghhh..."

ARTHUR
What?

BROTHER MAYNARD
"The Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh..."

BEDEVERE
What's that?

BROTHER MAYNARD
He must have died while carving it.

BEDEVERE
Oh, come on.

BROTHER MAYNARD
That's what it says.

ARTHUR
(miming)
But if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh". He'd just say it.

BROTHER MAYNARD
It's down there carved in stone.

GALAHAD
Perhaps he was dictating.

ARTHUR
Shut up. Is that all it says?

BROTHER MAYNARD
That's all. "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh".

ARTHUR
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh".

BEDEVERE
Do you think he meant the Camargue?

GALAHAD
Where's that?

BEDEVERE
France, I think.

LAUNCELOT
Isn't there a St. Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh's in Cornwall?

ARTHUR
No, that's Saint Ives.

A muffled roar is heard.
|
| ROBIN
| Hey!
|
| BEDEVERE
| No, that's in Herefordshire.
|
| ROBIN
| (more urgently)
| No ... HEY!!!
|
| LAUNCELOT
| "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh ... "
|
| ROBIN
| No! "Hey"! is surprise and alarm!
+
+ BEDEVERE
+ Oooooh!
+
+ LAUNCELOT
+ No "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh ... " at the back of the throat.
+
+ BEDEVERE
+ No! "Oooooh!" in surprise and alarm!
+

He indicated the entrance of the cave. They all turn and look. There
in the opening is a huge, unpleasant, fairly well drawn cartoon
beast.

ARTHUR
Oh!
GALAHAD
My God!

LAUNCELOT
What is it?

BEDEVERE
I know! I know! I Know!

ARTHUR
What?

BEDEVERE
It's the ... oh ...
(snaps his fingers as he tries to remember)
it's the ... it's on the tip of my tongue ...

Another hideous roar.

That's it!

ARTHUR
What?

BEDEVERE
It's The Legendary Black Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
|
| At that moment there is a yell and a scream OUT OF VISION. ARTHUR turns.
|
| ARTHUR
| Who was that?
|
| HECTOR
| (from back of group; northern and helpful)
| It was Sir Alf.
|
| ARTHUR
| I didn't know we had a Sir Alf.
|
| HECTOR
| He was feeding it bread.
|
| ARTHUR
| (shouting back)
| Well, that was a very silly thing to do. Now the rest of you stand
| well back from the BLACK BEAST of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
|
| HECTOR
| Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
|
| ROBIN
| Look out.
|
| The animation MONSTER starts lumbering towards them. The KNIGHTS retreat
| into the darkness of the cave.
|
| GAWAIN
| (as they run)
| It's only a cartoon.
|
| ARTHUR
| Sh!

They run off. Darkness. The MONSTER lumbering through on animation.

+ VOICE OVER
+ As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his
+ knights seemed hopeless, when, suddenly ... the animator suffered a fatal
+ heart attack.
+
+ ANIMATOR
+ Aaaaagh!
+
+ VOICE OVER
+ The cartoon peril was no more ... The Quest for Holy Grail could continue.

ANIMATED SEQUENCE. Leads through to the group reappearing and seeing a
distant opening to the cave. They reach the opening. It is day.
33 EXTERIOR - DAY

The KNIGHTS emerge from the mouth of the cave to find themselves in a
breathtaking, barren landscape. Glencoe. They are half they way up the
side of a mountain. They rest a few seconds and get their breath
back.

|
| GALAHAD
| Look!
|
+ GALAHAD
+ There it is!
+
+ ARTHUR
+ The Bridge of Death!
+
+ ROBIN
+ (to himself)
+ Oh! Great ...
|
| They look and see on the side of the mountain there is a sort of milestone
| which bears the words: "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh! 5 miles" and an arrow.
|
| ARTHUR
| God be praised. This must be the gorge of which the old man spoke in scene
| twenty-four.
|
| The KNIGHTS set off along and rather perilous track edging along
| the side of the mountain. GALAHAD is leading.
|
| MIX THROUGH they are climbing higher. The path gets more and more slippery
| and dangerous. They reach another milestone which says: "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
| 4 miles" and an arrow, and "Ni! 82 miles" and an arrow pointing in the
| opposite direction. They go on. It is dangerous and difficult. Tension in
| their faces.
|
| As they are climbing, BEDEVERE turns to ROBIN and ARTHUR.
|
| BEDEVERE
| We must find the bridge ... the Bridge of Death ...
|
| ROBIN
| (to himself)
| Oh, great!
|
| BEDEVERE
| The Bridge is guarded by a bridgekeeper, who asks each traveler three
| questions. And he who answers the three questions can cross in safety.
|
| ROBIN
| (warily)
| And if you get a question wrong?
|
| BEDEVERE
| You are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
|
|34 EXTERIOR - DAY
|
| CUT TO them struggling along. Perhaps downhill now. It is growing misty.
| SIR LAUNCELOT stops them and points. They peer.
|
| CUT TO see in the mist ... a weird bridge with mist swirling up from the
| gorge below. We cannot see the other side.
|
| Beside the bridge an OLD MAN stands, he is the blind soothsayer they met
| earlier in the forest.
|
| ARTHUR
| (to BEDEVERE)
| He's the Keeper of the Bridge. It's the old man.
|
| BEDEVERE
| (swallowing hard)
| Who's going to answer the questions?
|
| ARTHUR
| You go, Robin, and God be with you.
|
| ROBIN
| (looking round wildly)
| Er ... I tell you what -
| (lowering voice)
| Why doesn't Launcelot go?
|
| ARTHUR
| (considering a moment)
| Very well ... Sir Launcelot. Brave Sir Launcelot. This is the Bridge of
| Death ...
|
| LAUNCELOT
| Oh, yes sir ... I will take it single-handed.
| (drawing his sword)
| I will ...
|
| ARTHUR restrains him.
|
| ARTHUR
| No, hang on. All we want is for you to approach the old man and he will ask
| you three questions. Answer those question as best you can, and we will
| watch ... and pray.
|
| LAUNCELOT
| Yes, my liege ...
|
| ARTHUR
| Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot! Be careful ...
|
| They shake hands, Arthur's eyes moisten. LAUNCELOT approaches the Bridge of
| Death.
|
| ARTHUR
| Listen to the questions.
+
+ BEDEVERE
+ Look! It's the old man from scene 24 - what's he Doing here?
+
+ ARTHUR
+ He is the keeper of the Bridge. He asks each traveler five questions ...
+
+ GALAHAD
+ Three questions.
+
+ ARTHUR
+ Three questions ... he who answers the five questions
+
+ GALAHAD
+ Three questions.
+
+ ARTHUR
+ Three questions, may cross in safety.
+
+ ROBIN
+ (warily)
+ And if you get a question wrong?
+
+ ARTHUR
+ You are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
+
+ ROBIN
+ Oh ... wacho!
+
+ GALAHAD
+ Who's going to answer the questions?
+
+ ARTHUR
+ Sir Robin, Brave Sir Robin you go.
+
+ ROBIN
+ Hey! I've got a great idea! Why doesn't Launcelot go?
+
+ LAUNCELOT
+ Yes. Let me. I will take it single-handed ...
+ I will make feint to the north-east ...
+
+ ARTHUR
+ No, hang on! Just answer the five questions ...
+
+ GALAHAD
+ Three questions ...
+
+ ARTHUR
+ Three questions ... And we shall watch ... and pray.
+
+ LAUNCELOT
+ I understand, my liege.
+
+ ARTHUR
+ Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot ... God be with you.
+
+ LAUNCELOT APPROACHES THE BRIDGEKEEPER.
+
BRIDGEKEEPER
Stop!

SIR LAUNCELOT stops. The KNIGHTS watch anxiously. ARTHUR sniffs briefly
and glances momentarily down at SIR ROBIN's lower armor.

BRIDGEKEEPER
Who approaches the Bridge of Death
Must answer me
These questions three!
Ere the other side he see.

LAUNCELOT
Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.

BRIDGEKEEPER
What is your name?

LAUNCELOT
My name is Sir Launcelot.

BRIDGEKEEPER
What is your quest?

LAUNCELOT
To find the Holy Grail.

BRIDGEKEEPER
What is your favorite color?

LAUNCELOT
Blue.

BRIDGEKEEPER
Right. Off you go.

SIR LAUNCELOT runs across into the mist. The bridge perhaps disappears
into the mist and we cannot see the other side. ARTHUR and SIR ROBIN
exchange glances. ROBIN breathes a great sigh of relief.

ROBIN
That's easy!

BRIDGEKEEPER
Stop!
Who approacheth the Bridge of Death
Must answer me
These questions three!
Ere the other side he see!

ROBIN
Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.

BRIDGEKEEPER
What is your name?

ROBIN
My name is Sir Robin of Camelot!

BRIDGEKEEPER
What is your quest?

ROBIN
To seek the Grail!

BRIDGEKEEPER
What is the capital of Assyria?

ROBIN
(indignantly)
I don't know that!

He is immediately hurled by some unseen force over the edge of the precipice.

ROBIN
Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!


35 EXTERIOR - DAY

CUT TO SIR LAUNCELOT who is only just arriving on the other side. He
looks back across the invisible chasm. Dimly in the distance he hears:

GAWAIN (OUT OF VISION)
Sir Gawain of Camelot!

BRIDGEKEEPER (OOV)
What is your quest?

GAWAIN (OOV)
To seek the Holy Grail.
|
| BRIDGEKEEPER (OOV)
| What goes: black white ... black white ... black white?
|
| GAWAIN (OOV)
| Oh, er ... Babylon! er ... Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
|
| SIR LAUNCELOT stands on the other side of the bridge. In the distance we
| hear the ritual of questions and then a scream and thud, suddenly a hand
| lands on LAUNCELOT's shoulder.
|
| POLICEMAN (VOICE OVER)
| Just want to ask you some questions, sir.
|
| LAUNCELOT turns and reacts. He is led away.
|
|
|36 EXTERIOR - LAKE - DAY
|
| CUT TO ARTHUR, GALAHAD and BEDEVERE struggling towards the lake.
|
| BEDEVERE
| (to ARTHUR)
| How did you know how many wing-beats a swallow needs to maintain velocity?
|
| ARTHUR
| Oh ... when you're king you know all those things.
+
+ BRIDGEKEEPER
+ What is your favorite color?
+
+ GAWAIN
+ Blue ... No yelloooooww!
+
+ ARTHUR and BEDEVERE step forward.
+
+ BRIDGEKEEPER
+ What is your name?
+
+ ARTHUR
+ It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
+
+ BRIDGEKEEPER
+ What is your quest?
+
+ ARTHUR
+ To seek the Holy Grail.
+
+ BRIDGEKEEPER
+ What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
+
+ ARTHUR
+ What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
+
+ BRIDGEKEEPER
+ Er ... I don't know that ... Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
+
+ BRIDGEKEEPER is cast into the gorge.
+
+ BEDEVERE
+ How do you know so much about swallows?
+
+ ARTHUR
+ Well you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
+

Suddenly they appear at water's edge. They look across the water. A
huge expanse disappearing into the mist. How can they cross?

Suddenly the air is filled with ethereal music, and out of the mist
appears a wonderful barge silently and slowly drifting towards them.

They gaze in wonder. The mysterious boat comes to where they are
standing. As if bewitched, they find themselves drawing closer
| to the boat. As they are about to step in, a ragged figure looks up at them.
|
| BOATKEEPER
| (he is the same as the BRIDGEKEEPER and the SOOTHSAYER)
| He who would cross the Sea of Fate
| must answer me
| these questions twenty-eight.
|
| He fixes them with a baleful eye, ARTHUR and BEDEVERE exchange glances, then
| turn, with minds made up, pick him up bodily and throw him in the water.
| They climb into the boat and the boat moves off into the mist
|
| FADE OUT
|
|
|37 ANIMATION
|
| A wondrous journey in animation carries them across the lake.
|
| MIX TO


38 EXTERIOR - DAY

The boat carries them across a magical lake. They land and get out of
the boat, their faces suffused with heavenly radiance, and fall to
their knees.

Crescendo on music.

ARTHUR
God be praised! The deaths of many find knights have this day been avenged.

Music swells. They bend their heads in prayer, before the castle for
which they have searched for so long. Suddenly a voice comes from the
battlements.

Music cuts dead.

FROG

Ha ha! Hello! Smelly English K...niggets ... and Monsieur Arthur King,
who has the brain of a duck, you know.

The KNIGHTS look up.

FROG
We French persons outwit you a second time, perfidious English
mousedropping hoarders ... how you say: "Begorrah!"

ARTHUR stands and shouts.

ARTHUR
How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in
the name of the Knights of Camelot, open the door to the Sacred
Castle, to which God himself has guided us!  (he turns to the KNIGHTS)
Come.

ARTHUR and the KNIGHTS advance towards the castle.

FROG
How you English say: I one more time, mac, I unclog my nose towards
you, sons of a window-dresser, so, you think you could out-clever us
French fellows with your silly knees-bent creeping about advancing
behavior.  (blows a raspberry) I wave my private parts at your
aunties, you brightly-colored, mealy-templed, cranberry-smelling,
electric donkey-bottom biters.

By this time ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and GALAHAD have reached the
door. ARTHUR bangs on the door.

ARTHUR
In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle.

Jeering from the battlements.

FROG
No chance, English bed-wetting types. We burst our pimples at you, and
call your door-opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers
of other people's bottoms!

French laughter

ARTHUR
If you do not open these doors, we will take this castle by force ...

A bucket of slops land on ARTHUR. He tries to retain his dignity.

ARTHUR
In the name of God ... and the glory of our ...

Another bucket of what can only be described as human ordure hits ARTHUR.

... Right!
(to the KNIGHTS)
That settles it!

They turn and walk away. French jeering follows them.

FROG
Yes, depart a lot at this time, and cut the approaching any more or we
fire arrows into the tops of your heads and make castanets of your
testicles already.

ARTHUR
(to KNIGHTS)
Walk away. Just ignore them.

ARTHUR, BEDEVERE and GALAHAD walk off. A small hail of chickens,
watercress, badgers and mattresses follows them. But they are on their
dignity as they try to talk nonchalantly as they walk away into the
trees.

FROG
And now remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think
you got a nasty time this taunting, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy
k...niggets, and A. King Esquire.

| CUT BACK TO the drenched BRIDGEKEEPER/SOOTHSAYER beside the lake He
| rises up into SHOT.
|
| BRIDGEKEEPER
| He would cross the sea of fate,
| Must answer me these questions
| Twenty-eight.
|
| CUT TO see he is talking to two PLAIN-CLOTHES POLICEMEN and two CONSTABLES.
|
| INSPECTOR
| All right, put him in the van.
|
| THE BRIDGEKEEPER is led away and put into a police van.
|
CUT BACK TO ARTHUR still walking away. French taunts still audible in
the distance.

FRENCH
You couldn't catch clap in a brothel, silly English K...niggets ...

ARTHUR
(to BEDEVERE)
We shall attack at once.

BEDEVERE
Yes, my liege.
(he turns)
Stand by for attack!!

CUT TO enormous army forming up. Trebuchets, rows of PIKEMEN, siege
towers, pennants flying, shouts of "Stand by for attack!" Traditional
army build-up shots. The shouts echo across the ranks of the army. We
see various groups reacting, and stirring themselves in readiness.

ARTHUR
Who are they?

BEDEVERE
Oh, just some friends!

We end up back with ARTHUR. He seems satisfied that the ARMY is ready.

PANNING down the serried ranks, pikes ready, pennants flapping in the
wind. Some of the horses whinny nervously, and rattle their coconuts.

ARTHUR is satisfied at last. He addresses the castle.

ARTHUR
French persons! Today the blood of many valiant knights shall bee
avenged. In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight until each
one of you lies dead and the Grail returns to those whom God has
chosen.

ARTHUR lowers his visor, turns to have a last look at ARMY, then:

CHARGE!

The mighty ARMY charges. Thundering noise of feet. Clatter of
coconuts. Shouts etc.

The charge towards the castle.

Suddenly there is a wail of a siren and a couple of police cars roar
round in front of the charging ARMY and the POLICE leap out and stop
them. TWO POLICEMAN and the HISTORIAN'S WIFE. Black Marias skid up
behind them.

The ARMY halts.
HISTORIAN'S WIFE
They're the ones, I'm sure.

INSPECTOR END OF FILM
Grab 'em!

The POLICE grab ARTHUR and bundle him into the maria.

SIR BEDEVERE is led off with a blanket over his head. They are bundled
into the black maria and the van drives off.

The rest of the ARMY stand around looking at a loss.

INSPECTOR END OF FILM
(picks up megaphone)
All right! Clear off! Go on!

A few reaction shots of the ARMY not quite sure what to do.

INSPECTOR END OF FILM
Move along. There's nothing to see! Keep moving!

Suddenly he notices the cameras.

As the black maria drives away QUICK SHOT through window of all the
KNIGHTS huddled inside.

INSPECTOR END OF FILM
(to Camera)
All right, put that away sonny.

He walks over to it and puts his hand over the lens.

The film runs out through the gate and the projector shines on the screen.

There is a blank screen for some fifteen seconds.
|
| Suddenly jazzy music. Animated titles. (A new film completely free
| with the Monty Python film.)
|
|
| "THE CREDITS"
|
| Four of five minute film (mainly animated) about the credits, i.e. it
| includes the actual credits for the film but is really elaborate.
|
|
| THE END
|
+
+ Slushy organ music starts and the houselights in the cinema come on ...
+ organ music continues as the audience leave.
+


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cast list:


GRAHAM CHAPMAN PLAYED: KING ARTHUR. HICCOUGHING GUARD,
THREE-HEADED KNIGHT

JOHN CLEESE PLAYED: SECOND SOLDIER WITH A KEEN INTEREST IN BIRDS,
LARGE MAN WITH DEAD BODY, BLACK KNIGHT, MR NEWT (A VILLAGE BLACKSMITH
INTERESTED IN BURNING WITCHES), A QUITE EXTRAORDINARILY RUDE
FRENCHMAN, TIM THE WIZARD, SIR LAUNCELOT

TERRY GILLIAM PLAYED: PATSY (ARTHUR'S TRUSTY STEED), THE GREEN KNIGHT
SOOTHSAYER, BRIDGEKEEPER, SIR GAWAIN (THE FIRST TO BE KILLED BY THE
RABBIT)

ERIC IDLE PLAYED: THE DEAD COLLECTOR, MR BINT (A VILLAGE NE'ER-DO
-WELL VERY KEEN ON BURNING WITCHES), SIR ROBIN, THE GUARD WHO DOESN'T
HICCOUGH BUT TRIES TO GET THINGS STRAIGHT, CONCORDE (SIR LAUNCELOT'S
TRUSTY STEED), ROGER THE SHRUBBER (A SHRUBBER), BROTHER MAYNARD

NEIL INNES PLAYED: THE FIRST SELF-DESTRUCTIVE MONK, ROBIN'S LEAST
FAVORITE MINSTREL, THE PAGE CRUSHED BY A RABBIT, THE OWNER OF A DUCK

TERRY JONES PLAYED: DENNIS'S MOTHER, SIR BEDEVERE, THREE-HEADED
KNIGHT, PRINCE HERBERT

MICHAEL PALIN PLAYED: 1ST SOLDIER WITH A KEEN INTEREST IN BIRDS,
DENNIS, MR DUCK (A VILLAGE CARPENTER WHO IS ALMOST KEENER THAN ANYONE
ELSE TO BURN WITCHES), THREE-HEADED KNIGHT, SIR GALAHAD, KING OF SWAMP
CASTLE, BROTHER MAYNARD'S ROOMMATE

CONNIE BOOTH PLAYED: THE WITCH

CAROL CLEVELAND PLAYED: ZOOT AND DINGO

BEE DUFFELL PLAYED: OLD CRONE TO WHOM KING ARTHUR SAID "NI!"

JOHN YOUNG PLAYED: THE DEAD BODY THAT CLAIMS IT ISN'T, AND THE
HISTORIAN WHO ISN'T A.J.P. TAYLOR AT ALL

RITA DAVIES PLAYED: THE HISTORIAN WHO ISN'T A.J.P. TAYLOR
(HONESTLY)'S WIFE

SALLY KINGHORN PLAYED: EITHER WINSTON OR PIGLET

AVRIL STEWART PLAYED: EITHER PIGLET OR WINSTON

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD
Registered Address: 20 Fitzroy Square, London W1P6BB
Registered Number 1138069 England

August 5th, 1974.
Dear Mike,

The Censor's representative, Tony Kerpel, came along to Friday's
screening at Twinkenham and he gave up his opinion of the film's
probable certificate.

He thinks the film will be AA, but it would be possible, given some
dialogue cuts, to make the film an A rating, which would increase the
audience. (AA is 14 and over, and A is 5-14).

For an 'A' we would have to:

Lose as may shits as possible

Take Jesus Christ out, if possible

Loose "I fart in your general direction"

Lose "the oral sex"

Lose "oh, fuck off"

Lose "We make castanets out of your testicles"

I would like to get back to the Censor and agree to lose the shits,
take the odd Jesus Christ out and lose Oh fuck off, but to retain
'fart in your general direction', 'castanets of your testicles' and
'oral sex' and ask him for an 'A' rating on that basis.

Please let me know as soon as possible your attitude to this.

Yours sincerely,

Mark Forstater

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spell Checked and reformatted by Nathan Mates (nathan@cco.caltech.edu)