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                             TWELVE
----------------------------------------------------------------
The twelfth compilation of filksongs collected from the FILK Echo 
and provided for download via the auspices of Kay Shapero, moder-
ator  of same.  Publication date, January 1992.   All  copyrights 
belong to the writers.   

FILKfile  appears  at  irregular intervals of a  month  or  more, 
depending on how many songs appear on the echo (and how much time 
I have to compile this thing....)    
----------------------------------------------------------------

"12-Bar Filkin' Blues"
by Jim Edmonds

I think Muddie Murcury did one way back in the early 90's:

    I got twits in mah echo
    I got bugs in ma beer
    Say got twits in ma echo
    I got bugs in ma beer
    An' this thred makes ma heart weary
    Sho' be buggin filkers round here.

    I'm a lonesome lil' sysop
    Hang in ma 'drasiltree
    I'm a lonely lil' sysop
    Hangin ma 'drasiltree
    An' dees twitters keep on yakkin'
    Lawd know's dey sho' be bodduh me.

    Cause I'm eville, honey dahlin
    Eville as the dragonne's bones
    O I'm eville, metal pumpkin
    Eville as the day is lawng
    Don' be messin' roun' with me baybah
    I'm eville as ma filkin' sawng.

  (Or something like that.)

****

ATEN MAN  
Words: Ioseph of Locksley  
Tune: "Irish Soldier Laddie"
   
CHORUS: Will you stand in the van like a true Aten man  
        And hold the line for Kingdom and for Crown?  
        Will you fight and never yield on Estrella's battlefield?  
        For today's the day we're takin' Caid down!  
  
As I stood in a crowd I saw a valiant laddie walkin'  
With his armour and his sword down a quiet country lane  
He smiled and he waved and he bespoke me truly  
He beckoned and he called to me by name:  
  
On a quiet village street stood a bowman strong and hearty  
As he bade a fond farewell to his pretty peasant lass  
And his eyes were flashin' bright as he bent his head and  kissed 
her  
And these words he said beneath the partin' glass:  
 
Came a knight upon his steed, with his squires ridin' after  
With his pennon and his lance and his shinin' silver mail  
With his Lady's Favour hangin' from his belt of leather  
And passin' close he smiled and bade me "Hail!"  
 
In a sunny castle hall, with her minstrels and her maidens,  
Stood a Lady, strong and proud, with a fire in her eyes  
"If my King is off to war, what can I but fight beside him?"  
She raised her sword, and shouted to the skies:  
 
From city and from township, from Barony and Marches  
Come the men of Aten's land with a fire in their eyes  
Atenveldt and Loch Sallan, Mons Tinitrus and SunDragon,  
And a hundred thousand others 'neath the sky!  

words (c) copyright 1991 W.J.Bethancourt III  

****

The Bug Came Back
Words: Joel Polowin
Tune: Music: "The Cat Came Back"
 
The program wasn't complex, and it wasn't very long,
Though it seemed a bit erratic, its results were seldom wrong.
But that little error nagged us, so we stayed up late one night -
Found a missing comma, and we thought that fixed it right -
 
     (Chorus:)
     But the bug came back, the very next day
     The bug came back, we thought it was a gonner
     But the bug came back, it just wouldn't stay away.
 
We put away our documents, rewrote the code from scratch
To find out where the new and older versions didn't match.
A subtle shift of logic showed where we had gone astray;
We felt a bit embarrassed, but at least it ran okay -
 
     (Chorus)
 
We wrote in other languages, from FORTH to APL
And ev'ry one ran ev'ry time - just sometimes not too well.
Translation to assembler didn't give us any clue;
The COBOL version crashed on ev'ry system it went through -
 
     (Chorus)
 
We gave it to the hacker squad - the folks who code for fun -
And asked them if they couldn't get the stupid thing to run.
But less than one week later, they no longer wished to play -
Three paranoids... one suicide... and six who ran away...
 
     (Chorus)
 
We got a summer student in to check the code by hand,
With paper, pen and calculator, run through each command,
But  suddenly the lights went out -- the air went thin and  queer 
--
A sudden FLASH! of lightning -- and the student... disappeared..?
 
     (Chorus)
 
(Last verse and associated alternate chorus are optional:)
 
We set up an experiment that Schrodinger inspired:
A box; a cat; some poison; a computer system wired
Such  that  IF  the program failed, the  little  moggy  would  be 
gassed.
A quasar was - almost - the only remnant of the blast...
 
     But the cat came back the very next day
     The bug came back, we thought they were a gonner
     But they both came back, they just wouldn't stay away
 
---------------
Words  copyright (C) 1991 by Joel Polowin.  Permission is  hereby 
granted to reproduce this material in any non-profit medium  pro-
vided  that  its content is not altered and that this  notice  is 
appended.  I would appreciate receiving a copy of any publication 
in  which it appears: Joel Polowin / 205 Toronto St. /  Kingston, 
Ontario  /  CANADA  /  K7L  4A9  polowin@silicon.chem.QueensU.CA, 
polowinj@qucdn.QueensU.CA

****

COLD WARRIOR'S LAMENT 
words:Dr Pepper 
Tune: My Bonnie 

My commies lie fallen around me 
I think it's a terrible shame 
Cause now if the world should confound me 
I have no more commies to blame 
 
Chorus: 
 
Bring back, bring back, 
O bring back my commies to me, to me! 
Bring back, bring back, 
O bring back my commies to me! 
 
 
The war factory bosses are crying 
I think they have lost their aplomb 
Sell more weapons? there's no use in trying 
Without any commies to bomb 
 
Chorus 
 
The third world right wing despots tell me 
Their death squads are fighting a threat 
But how do they think they can sell me? 
Their commie excuse is all wet 
 
Chorus 

Last night as i lay on my pillow 
A brand new spy novel i read 
About. japanese. stealing a patent... 
 
The world as i knew it is dead! 
 
Chorus 
 
 
My ideological fervor 
Has outlived its purpose i fear 
I thought this would go on forever 
Fidel, let me buy you a beer! 
 
Chorus 

words copyright Dr Pepper, 1991
 
****

CONFRANCISCO
Words: Dr Pepper
Tune: "Are you going to San Francisco"

If you're going to Confrancisco 
Be sure to wear a tribble in your hair 
If you're going to Confrancisco 
You're gonna meet some freaky people there 
 
For when you go to Confrancisco 
Watch out for people floating in mid air 
In the halls of Confrancisco 
Fen in costume who don't care if you stare 
 
All across the fandom 
Plans get changed at random 
Such a commotion (mmm) Such a commotion 
It's a whole convocation 
With it's own affectation 
Such a commotion (mmm) Such a commotion 
 
If you're going to Confrancisco 
Be sure to wear a tribble in your hair 
If you come to Confrancisco 
All your time will be bizarre and rare 
 
(other suitable words can be substituted for tribble. Like  trif-
fid, sandworm, tardis, dragon, etc) 
 
words copyright Dr Pepper, 1991 

****

CTHULU LOVES
Words: Farrell McGovern
Tune: Jesus Loves the Little Children

Cthulu loves the little children
All the Children of the World
Red and Yellow, Black and White
They make Equal Sacrifice!
Cthulu loves the little children of the World...

words copyright Farrell McGovern 1991

****

DUELING HERALDS 
Words: Ioseph of Locksley 
Tune: "Dueling Banjos"
 
 This takes the form of a duet between two Heralds..... 
 
My Lords and Ladies, pray attend 
  (My Lords and Ladies, pray attend) 
Hush your speech and pray forfend! 

  (Hush your speech and pray forfend!) 
From interrupting Royal Court! 
  (From interrupting Royal Court!) 
We'll truly try to keep this short! 
  (We'll truly try to keep this short!) 
His Majesty 
  (His Majesty) 
Wishes Me 
  (Wishes Me) 
To announce announcements to you all 
  (To announce announcements to you all) 
To attend His Presence in this Hall 
  (To attend His Presence in this Hall) 

[together to "Yankee Doodle" theme:] 
His Majesty commands you all 
Draw nigh and pray attend....for.... 

[single herald sings:] 

Please remember leave the site as clean as clean can be 
[And do not] smoke within the Hall, for it's not period, you see 
[And try to] speak forsoothly to the gentles partying tonight 
[For we're the] SCA, and we're the ones who try to get it right! 

My Lords and Ladies, pray attend 
  (My Lords and Ladies, pray attend) 
We as Heralds condescend 
  (We as Heralds condescend) 
To blazon forth the finest Arms 
  (To blazon forth the finest Arms) 
That ever graced a Kingdom's charms 
  (That ever graced a Kingdom's charms) 
Cheqy bendy plumetty 
  (Cheqy bendy plumetty) 
Gyronny! 
  (Arondy!) 
I believe, sir, you have got it wrong! 
  (But that's how Locksley wrote the song!) 

[together to "Yankee Doodle" theme:] 

His Majesty commands you all 
Draw nigh and pray attend....for.... 

[the second Herald sings:] 
Three spiders rampant passant statant on a field of green 
Surrounded by a bordure compony is what we mean 
Engorged with crowns of several kinds, and que-fourchee to boot 
And charged with Fleurs-de-Lis in pink  

[spoken: "In pink?"  
         "Well, it -could- have been flamingos!"] 

And semee'd in bandicoots! 

[both: "ARRGGGHHH!"] 

My Lords and Ladies, pray attend 
  (My Lords and Ladies, pray attend) 
And please do not misapprehend 
(And please do not misapprehend) 
For we in our pomposity 
(For we in our pomposity) 
Perpetuate atrocity 

(Perpetuate atrocity) 
By singing you this awful song 
(By singing you this awful song) 
We know that it is much too long! 
(We know that it is much too long!) 
His Majesty 
Is kicking me! 
So we'll shut up and take our leave 
(So we'll shut up and take our leave) 
So we'll shut up and take our leave 
(So we'll shut up and take our leave) 
 
 (fade out and sneak off, if possible....) 

(c) words copyright 1991 W.J.Bethancourt III 

****

DER FUEHRER'S FACE fragment
Words & Tune: Spike Jones

Vhen der Fuehrer says,
"Ve is der master race!"
Ve heil! <razz> Heil! <razz>
Right in der Fuehrer's face.
To not be Cherman
Is a big disgrace,
Zo ve heil! <razz> Heil! <razz>
Right in der Fuehrer's face!

presumably copyright Spike Jones in the early 40s. 

****

FLAT EARTH filk start
Words: Sherman Dorn
 
If you watch Maury Povich or Inside Edition 
and think up each day new conspiracy theories, 
there's a group ready-made to feed your suspicion, 
boost your blood pressure, and wake up your Furies. 
 
We all really know that the Earth is quite flat. 
Though Newton commanded, the globe went a-splat. 
The Challenger blew 
but some already knew 
---
[author now looking for a good last line to this verse and a  few 
more verses too.  Anyone want to assist?]

**** 

FOUND IN AN EMPTY CHAIR IN A FILKSING, 1995

Go quietly amid the SCA members and remember what joy there is in 
keeping your head upon your shoulders.  As far as possible  with-
out  surrender  be on good terms with all persons,  For  you  may 
someday need crash space.  Speak your truth quietly and  clearly, 
and  listen to others--even to the dull and ignorant--Unless,  of 
course,  they want to tell you about their D&D  characters,  deep 
underlying  meanings  in Dr. Who, or the endings  of  movies  you 
haven't  seen yet.  Avoid loud and aggressive persons--in  short, 
stay  out of the filk suite.  If you compare yourself  to  others 
you may become vain or bitter--in your case, probably bitter.

Keep interested in your own career, for no one else is.  Exercise 
caution  in  the Dealer's Room, for you may find  it  cheaper  on 
someone  else's table--but probably not.  And let this  not  keep 
you from forking over the cash, For you know you're going to  buy 
the damn thing in the end.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the 
things of youth:  rabbit-fur Barbarian costumes and spandex  come 
first to mind.  Nurture your credit cards to shield you in  times 
of  sudden bankruptcy.  But do not distress your self  with  dark 
imaginings--it's probably just something you drank--for many cons 
are born of fatigue and light beer.

Beyond  a wholesome discipline, be gentle with  yourself,  Unless 
you can find someone else to do it for you. 

You  are  an attendee of the convention, you  paid  your  fifteen 
bucks  and have a right to be here.  And whether or not it  looks 
like it, the convention is unfolding as well as can be  expected.  
Therefore, be at peace with God, and hope that the televangelists 
aren't  right  or we're all in deep doo-doo.  And  whatever  your 
labors  and aspirations in the noisy confusion of  the  consuite, 
Keep your hands to your self.  With all its lack of ice, screwed-
up film schedules, and broken elevators, it's still the only game 
in  town.   Live long and prosper, open the bay  doors,  use  the 
force, and DON'T PANIC. 

Copyright 1990, Randy Farran and Lisa Berry Farran


This  is printed by permission and may be reproduced (for  hobby, 
fandom newsletters, or similar basically non-profit purposes)  as 
long as the copyright notice is maintained.  Randy and Lisa would 
appreciate copies of publications in which it is printed

c/o Curtis Berry
    3104 West 39 Street
    Tulsa, OK 74107   

****

I AM A JOCK
Words:Rhys ap Baruch
Tune: "I Am a Rock", Simon & Garfunkel
 
An August day 
In a Pennsic field battle 
I am surrounded 
Gazing at the shieldwall 
Advancing on my right 
And from the left there comes a hostile knight 
I am a jock, I am a fighter 
 
Castle walls 
A fortress great and mighty 
That we must penetrate 
We have no need of sappers 
They just get in the way 
Hand me my sword and I'll carry the day 
I am a jock, I am a fighter 
 
Don't talk of dance 
Embroidery or research 
I want none of that 
I only live for steel 
Duct tape and rattan 
The beer is cold and I'm a fighting man 
I am a jock, I am a fighter 
 
I have my spear 
And a shieldman to protect me 
I am sweating in my armour 
Fighting in the field 
We will never yield 
I slay them all and no one touches me 
I am a jock, I am a fighter 
And a jock feels no pain 
Even when he dies  
 
(c) 1991, Ian Klinck 
Permission is freely given to reproduce and/or publish this  work 
for non-profit purposes within the Society for Creative  Anachro-
nism, Inc., provided proper credit is given. 
Permission is also given to make minor changes to the lyrics,  to 
make the work more appropriate for the local group. (i.e. substi-
tute "Eastrealm" for "Midrealm" or vice-versa) 
 
Rhys ap Baruch, of the Cantons of Eoforwic and Bryniau  Tywynnog, 
Barony of Septentria, Principality of Ealdormere, Kingdom of  the 
Middle 

****

I'M AN AZI
Words: Dr Pepper 
Tune: Feeling Groovy
 
Vat grown, and brought up fast 
I'm not the first and not the last 
Just-- soaking up all those hypno tapes 
Life is a plan and i'm an Azi 
 
At my work i'm-- never lazy 
Miss my tape, and i go crazy 
Kill me when i'm obsolete 
I won't make a fuss cuz i'm an Azi 
 
I've got no subconscious, 
No phobias deep 
I'm programmed and analyzed, 
All in my sleep 
Psychotherapy's just like a tune up for me 
Of course i love you-- i'm an Azi 
 
words copyright Dr Pepper 1991 

****

Lives 
Words: Lynn Gold 
Tune: "Lies" by Stan Rogers 
 
    G                                D 
At last the boss is gone now for the day 
    Em               C                  G             D 
The hackers do their projects when the management's away 
     G                                      D 
They leave some time to write some code and plan 
     Em               C                G                 D 
From five until five-thirty, when they swap files on the LAN 
     G                       D 
Sure was a bitter beta, but this release is fine, and 
Em                                 C 
Maybe last year's Easter egg will pop up one more time 
      G                     D 
It's now 5:29, oh how time flies 
     Am               D                    G 
The hackers all rush home 'cause they got lives 
 
(CHORUS) 
   Am  C 
Oh lives 
           G                         D 
They rush home, the hackers all got lives 
Am    C     D  C 
Lives, all lives 
     G 
Too much time staring into space 
      A                                   C 
That could be spent with S-Os, husbands, wives 
     D                 G 
The hackers, they got lives 
 
      G                                  D 
They used to hack long days at work and then 
       Em                C                   G             D 
They'd go home to their term'nals and start hacking once again 
    G                                       D 
No need to search to find them through the years 
     Em                          C                              G                       
D 
They  haunted the control rooms where machine noise filled  their 
ears 
     G                                D 
But then they all found networks with other hackers there 
     Em                                C 
And found there was a world outside beyond their term'nal's glare 
      G                              D 
Well, after seeing this, it's no surprise 
     Am               D                G 
The hackers all went out and they got lives. 
 
(CHORUS) 
   Am  C 
Oh lives 
           G                         D 
They rush home, the hackers all got lives 
Am    C     D  C 
Lives, all lives 
     G 
Too much time staring into space 
      A                                   C 
That could be spent with S-Os, husbands, wives 
     D                 G 
The hackers, they got lives 
 
    G                                    D 
Now they rush off from work to be with friends 
     Em                C                 G               D 
They all have home computers which they pick up now and then 
      G                                       D 
They make sure that the code they just wrote ran, 
Em                    C               G               D 
Pour themselves some coffee, or some caffeine from a can 
     G                             D 
And think ahead to Friday, 'cause payday will be fine! 
     Em                                 C 
They look up at their ancient code and ponder, line by line 
        G                            D 
Then through direct deposit pay arrives 
     Am              D                    G 
And helps them to finance their newfound lives. 
 
(CHORUS) 
   Am  C 
Oh lives 
           G                         D 
They rush home, the hackers all got lives 
Am    C     D  C 
Lives, all lives 
     G 
Too much time staring into space 
      A                                   C 
That could be spent with S-Os, husbands, wives 
     D                 G 
The hackers, they got lives 
 
words (c) 1991 Lynn Gold 
music (c) 1981 Stan Rogers 

****

MAMAS, DON'T LET YOUR BABIES GROW UP TO BE HACKERS
Words: Mike Van Pelt 
Tune: Willie Nelson and/or Waylon Jennings, I think. 
 
Hackers ain't easy to love and they're harder to stand 
They'd rather play with a gizmo that's made out of sand. 
Never wear neckties, just old faded levis, 
And each night begins a new day. 
You can't understand him, and you won't until 
The F.B.I takes him away. 
 
<Chorus> 
 
Mammas, don't let your babies grow up to be hackers. 
Don't let 'em hack UNIX, if they try, revolt! 
Don't let 'em eat Twinkies, don't let 'em drink Jolt. 
Mammas, don't let your babies grow up to be hackers. 
'Cause they'll always stay home in their room all alone, 
Interfaced to their silicon love. 
 
 
Hackers like frigid machine rooms and bleary eyed mornings 
Little warm RAM chips and things that go 'beep' in the night. 
Them that don't know him won't trust him 
and them that do trust him to unleash a virus. (*) 
He ain't bad or amoral, but his pride won't let him 
turn back from an elegant hack. 
 
<Chorus> 
 
<Repeat chorus (modified)> 
 
Mammas, don't let your babies grow up if they're hackers. 
Some day they'll hack NORAD and start World War III 
The world is a gonner if you let them be. 
Mammas, don't let your babies grow up to be hackers. 
'Cause they'll always stay home in their room all alone, 
Interfaced to their silicon love. 
 
(* This really doesn't look like it scans, but it works the 
   same way as the original.) 

words copyright Mike Van Pelt, 1991 

****

The Minstrel Boy
Words: Thomas More
 
The minstrel boy to the war has gone  
In the ranks of death you will find him  
His father's sword he has girded on  
And his wild harp slung behind him. 
        Land of Song, said the warrior bard 
        tho all the world betray thee 
        One sword at least thy rights shall guard 
        One faithful harp shall praise thee! 

The minstrel fell, but the foeman's chain 
Could not bring that proud soul under 
The harp he loved never spoke again 
For he tore it's chords asunder 
        And he said no chain shall sully thee 
        Thou soul of love and bravery! 
        Thy songs were made for the pure and free 
        They shall never sound in slavery! 
  
[this poem can be found in any good book of poetry! ]
  
****

The Moderator's Song
Words: Dr Pepper
Tune: Gilbert & Sullivan

Our moderator, patient soul 
When she this place first took control 
Said motivation was her role 
She'd not be heavy handed 
 
So in a gentle tone declared 
That all opinions may be shared 
Provided that no flames are aired 
That's all that she demanded 
 
And i expect that you'll agree 
That she showed sensibility 
 
And i am right and you are right 
And all is right as it should be 
 
 
Then someone brought up rights for gays 
That brought a flood of yeas and nays 
Two hundred posts in twenty days 
Without a new perspective 
 
And next abortion right or wrong 
And gun control, the same old song 
For novel discourse she did long 
Not stale retrospective 
 
And you'll think, i anticipate 
Such longings were appropriate 
 
And i am right and you are right 
And all is right and really great 
 
words copyright Dr Pepper, 1991

****

MR MARSHAL
Words: Rhys ap Baruch 
Tune: "Mr. Sandman" 
 
Mr. Marshal, please let me fight 
I'm sure my armour must be alright 
Sure, there's a gap from my knee to my hip 
And that hole will admit a thrusting tip 
But Mr. Marshal, It's one month 'til War 
I've never been down to Pennsic before 
Yes, a hero I will be! 
Mr. Marshal, authorize me! 
 
(repeat) 
 
 
Mr. Marshal, please let me fight 
I really wanna become a knight 
I'll fight all day, and I won't go down 
I'll swear fealty to the crown! 
Mr. Marshal, you've gotta sign here 
I'll bribe you with money, I'll bribe you with beer 
You'll see how grateful I will be, 
Mr. Marshal, authorize me! 

(c) 1991, Ian Klinck 
Permission is freely given to reproduce and/or publish this  work 
for non-profit purposes within the Society for Creative  Anachro-
nism, Inc., provided proper credit is given. 
Permission is also given to make minor changes to the lyrics,  to 
make the work more appropriate for the local group. (i.e. substi-
tute "Eastrealm" for "Midrealm" or vice-versa) 
 
Rhys ap Baruch, of the Cantons of Eoforwic and Bryniau  Tywynnog, 
Barony of Septentria, Principality of Ealdormere, Kingdom of  the 
Middle 

****

"The New Generation Tango"
Words: Sherman Dorn
Tune: The Masochism Tango

Trek slakes my desire for pulp fiction.
Watching bad episodes is an addiction.
Some stories inspire
but most plots require
the disposal of all science and reason.

I love when the crew is encumbered
with problems too many to number.
Trek solves it all fine
at 6:59,
even doing it without Wes this season.

(bridge)
At Gene's command 
before the set I stand,
brick ready in my hand.
It's sad that we must see
Riker's romance
and sappy song-and-dance,
Not a woman's vig'rous stance 
And a well-placed upthrust knee.

So bore me to tears with emoting Troi,
and drive me to randomly remoting joy
with that cliched mix
of dialog schtick.
Relief comes only with Lwaxana's coy boy toys.

(bridge)
The Klingons thrill
me when a villain kills
someone just in time to fill
the space 'twixt writers' ears.
I love Worf's grunts
and elaborate plot hunts
and some pyrotechnic stunts
but no thoughts there, don't you fear.

Take the VHS cassette from its holder,
And ruin my taste until it molders.
Rot out my brain
and make me scream again
As we watch to the Next Generation Tango.

****

QUEEN TANGWYSTL
Words: Rhys ap Baruch 
Tune: "Mrs. Robinson", Simon and Garfunkel 
 
Dee dee dee-dee . . . 
Doo doo-doo doo . . .  
Dee dee-dee dee . . . 
 
CHORUS: 
Wassail to you, Queen Tangwystl 
I live in constant fear of your crossbow (wo wo wo) 
Don't shoot me please Queen Tangwystl 
You're the queen who has to be obeyed (hey hey hey  hey hey hey) 
 
We'd like to do a little bit to get in your good books 
If there's anything you'd like just help yourself 
Look around you, all you see are very frightened eyes 
We would never think of breaking any oath 
 
CHORUS. 
 
King David's in a hiding-place that no one knows about 
Is it in the pantry or the dungeon? 
It's a sheepish secret, just a Feringold affair 
Most of all, you've got to hide it from the lambs 
 
CHORUS (change first line to:) 
Cu-cu ca-chu Queen Tangwystl . . . 
 
Sitting on your throne on a sunny afternoon 
Handing out a couple AoA's 
Load your crossbow, shoot the herald, sing another song 
When you're Queen, you can't be wrong 
 
Where have you gone, Duke Cariadoc 
The Midrealm turns its frightened eyes to you (woo woo woo) 
What's that you say Queen Tangwystl? 
Cariadoc is not the one who reigns (hey hey hey, we must obey) 
 
A copy of this song was (informally) presented to Her Most  Royal 
and  Draconian  Majesty in the marketplace at Pennsic  XX  (after 
much time spent trying to get an "official" appointment). HRM had 
heard  of the song beforehand, and, upon receipt of  the  printed 
copy,  handed it to one of her attendants and said,  "Here,  read 
it.  It's a good one." I take this to be Royal approval  for  the 
circulation of this song. 
 
(c) 1991, Ian Klinck 
Permission is freely given to reproduce and/or publish this  work 
for non-profit purposes within the Society for Creative  Anachro-
nism, Inc., provided proper credit is given. 
Permission is also given to make minor changes to the lyrics,  to 
make the work more appropriate for the local group. (i.e. substi-
tute "Eastrealm" for "Midrealm" or vice-versa) 
 
Rhys ap Baruch, of the Cantons of Eoforwic and Bryniau  Tywynnog, 
Barony of Septentria, Principality of Ealdormere, Kingdom of  the 
Middle 

****

THE ROSES OF OUR LADY 
Words: Ioseph of Locksley 
Tune: "Roses Of Prince Charlie" 
 
CHORUS: Come now, gather now, here where the flowers grow! 
        Bright is the blossom as the eyes of your love! 
        Hear now a Kingdom's call! We'll make a solemn vow, 
        Now by the Roses of Our Lady! 

Fight again with shining sword and bright-emblazoned shield! 
Fight beside the heroes of Estrella's bloody field! 
Fight again and hold the line and never, ever yield! 
Fight beneath the Roses of Our Lady! 

Spirits of the Dreamers in far and distant lands 
Carved out the Known Worlde with sweat and blood and hands 
Come now, in glory, and on the silver sand, 
Fight by the Roses of Our Lady! 

Take your strength from the summer Sun that boldly blazes forth 
The deserts of the Southlands and the mountains of the North 
Stand fast together, let's show them what we're worth! 
Stand by the Roses of Our Lady! 

CHORUS 2X 
 
(c) words copyright 1991 W.J. Bethancourt III 

****

The Shaving Cream song
words: Joey McKangaroo

Melvin was a baseball player,
The fans soon took him to his favor,
For he was the hottest hitter on the teeeam...
 
But all that was on Melvin's mind,
was the hopes someday, someone would sign (him)
Up to do commercials for some,
Shaving Cream! HEY!
 
Chorus: (sped up)

Shaving cream, shaving cream,

That was Melvin's  only dream,
While he wasn'tinterestedinthe hall of fame,
He actually hit it in the baseball game,
Just wanted to do commercials for some,
Shaving Cream! HEY!

 
(A little Russian Chorus here...)
Melvin's batting average  started, average...
(That's English!)
Melvin's batting average started riiising...
The fans soon started recogniiizing (him,)
And one day he realized his dream...
(Back: He realized his dreeeeam....)
For a man from B-B-D and O (The advertising agency)
With a fountain pen, (... and a lotta dough)
Signed him up for commercials for some
Shaving Cream, HEY!
 
CHORUS.
 
Residuals and Salaries,
Made Melvin as rich as he could be!
But things weren't all that they might seeem...
(Back: As they might seeeeemm....)
For Melvin wasn't very.. bright (heh heh)
And he had to stay awake AAALLL NIGHT!
Oh, Doing those darn commercials for that,
Shaving Cream, HEY!!
 
CHORUS.
 
FOURTH VERSE: (I think it's the funniest)
 
But wait!  Sadness Has Struck!
(Twiddle the strings on the guitar)
 
Melvin's batting average started dropping,
(Whistle downward) ...ah...
The tickets and fans started stopping...
And his value for commercials lost it's gleam...
 
Back: It lost it's gleam and Clescent Pepsodent tooooooooooooOOO-
OOOooOOOOooo,OOOOOooooOOOooooooooo,  (I'll wait till you're  fin-
ished)
 
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo           hurryupI'mrunningouto-
faiiiiirrrr....
 
Front: Don't clap, it encourages him! (both start laughing)
 
Anyway, it lost its, you know what...
 
So with no future, and with no hope...
(Old man starts sobbing)
He  lathered  up, and he slit his throat (KGKKGKGLLL!!!  (can  be 
made 
by squeezing air out of the side of your mouth))
 
Doing his last commercial for that
Shaving Cream!  HEY!!
 
Repeat Chorus twice.
 
end abruptly....! 

words copyright Joey McKangaroo, 1991
 
****

SHAVING CYBERPUNK verse
Words: Sherman Dorn
Tune: Shaving Cream
 
Cyberpunk, 
listening to funk. 
Write every day 
and you'll look like a hunk. 

words copyright Sherman Dorn 1991

****

"THE SOUND OF VIOLENCE" 
Words: Rhys ap Baruch and Blaine Sylvan
Tune: "The Sound of Silence", Simon and Garfunkel
 
Hello broadsword my old friend 
I've come to fight with you again 
Because the sounds of battle ringing 
In my ears has me singing 
And the rock that I have instead of a brain 
Still remains 
I love the sound of violence 
In tournaments I fight alone 
I leave my melee gear at home 
But when I go down to the Pennsic War 
I often fight in groups of five or more 
When my friend was stabbed by an Eastern spear in the head 
He was dead 
Touched by the sound of violence 
A thousand footmen waging war 
A hundred archers maybe more 
Polemen thrusting from the second row 
Shieldmen dying, they're the first to go 
Two-stick fighters can harry the enemy flank 
They've got rank 
And love the sound of violence 
Foolishly I pressed ahead 
I'd be a hero or be dead 
A belted fighter tried to teach me 
With his polearm he might reach me 
But my blows like violent hailstones fell 
And struck well 
Causing the sound of violence 
Eastrealm fighters fell and died 
Before th' advancing Midrealm tide 
And we shouted out our battle cry 
We would conquer or we would die 
And the bards sing the deeds of the fighters that bravely fall 
And they all 
Whisper the sound of violence 
 
(c) 1991, Ian Klinck 
Permission is freely given to reproduce and/or publish this  work 
for non-profit purposes within the Society for Creative  Anachro-
nism, Inc., provided proper credit is given.  Permission is  also 
given to make minor changes to the lyrics, to make the work  more 
appropriate for the local group. (i.e. substitute "Eastrealm" for  
"Midrealm" or vice-versa) 
 
Rhys ap Baruch, of the Cantons of Eoforwic and Bryniau  Tywynnog, 
Barony of Septentria, Principality of Ealdormere, Kingdom of  the 
Middle 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

****

SUMMONING THE SEUSS
Contributed by Questor Coyote

On  Sep  23 the much beloved Dr. Seuss passed away.  He  will  be 
sorely  missed, both by children and by us so  called  grown-ups.  
The  weekend before at an equinox festival our  circle  performed 
this  ritual as a joke.  Now with much love and respect I  submit 
it as a tribute to Dr. Seuss.
    
                     SUMMONING THE SEUSS
                       We want a place
                   for the magic to last.
                      So around we spin
                    and a circle we cast.
                   
                  We will challenge you in
                      to join the fun.
                  There are candles in here
                    so please do not run.
                              
                       Watchtower one 
                       Watchtower two 
                       Watchtower red 
                       Watchtower blue
                              
                     Summon the Goddess
                     and invoke the Lord
                  Just remember your lines
                   or They will get bored.
                              
                  We would talk to the lady
                    so down we will draw.
                   Just hope She's not mad
                 or She'll lay down the law.
                              
                    When casting a spell
                   the air sure gets hot.
                We're not wearing our clothes
                      so care we do not
                              
                         Do you like
                    green cakes and wine?
                        Oh yes we do
                      we like them fine
                              
                     The knife we stick
                        into the cup
                     The wine is blessed
                     let's drink it up.
                              
                     The circle is open
                   the quarters are gone.
                     The candles are out
                 and the lightbulbs back on.
    
    Merry Meet, Dr. Suess.  Merry Part, and Merry Meet again.

****

Tovarisch!
Words: Joe Bethancourt
Tune: "Let's call the whole thing off"

You say "Tovarisch", and I say "Gospodin" 
You say "we bury you" and I say "glasnost" 
Tovarisch...gospodin 
we bury you....glasnost 
Let's call the whole thing off...... 

<grin!> 

words copyright Joe Bethancourt 1991
   
****

Uh oh, Uh oh...
words: Joey McKangaroo
 
Uh oh, Uh oh,
It's Off The Cliff We Go...
 
My brakes don't work
this is gonna hurt
Uh Oh, Uh oh uh oh uh oh, uh oh,
It's Off The Cliff We Go...
 
If I scratch the paint
My dad'll faint
Uh Oh, Uh oh uh oh uh oh, uh oh,
It's Off The Cliff We Go...
 
If th' fender's broke
he'll have a stroke
Uh Oh, Uh oh uh oh uh oh, uh oh,
It's Off The Cliff We Go...
 
If it becomes a fad
He'll get real mad
Uh oh, Uh oh...

words uncopyright (uc) Joey McKangaroo 1991 
 
And an additional suggestion from Sherman Dorn
 
"Uh-oh, uh-oh, 
It's off to war we go . . ." 

Additional verses by Dave Aronson

Uh oh, uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go...
A flattened tire
Will raise his ire,
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh....

Uh oh, uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go...
If I scratch the hood
He'll beat me good
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh....

Uh oh, uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go...
If we hit bottom
He'll show me Sodom
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh....
 
And MORE from Joey McKangaroo!

Uh oh, uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go...
If the muffler's out
He'll really shout
Uh oh, Uh oh uh oh
 
Uh oh, uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go...
If I hit a hill
He's gonna kill
Uh oh, Uh oh uh oh
 
Uh oh, uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go...
If the tire's flat
He'll get a bat
(or He'll join a frat)
Uh oh, uh oh...
 
And even MORE from Dave Aronson!

Uh oh, uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go,
If we get a dent
My head'll be bent,
Uh oh, Uh oh uh oh

Uh oh, uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go...
If we break a rod
Better pray to God
Uh oh, Uh oh uh oh

Uh oh, uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go...
If the wheel well
Gets muddy he'll yell
Uh oh, Uh oh uh oh

Uh oh, uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go...
If we break a door
He'll hurt me more
Uh oh, Uh oh uh oh
 
And even MORE from Joey McKangaroo!

Uh oh, Uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go...
If I break the Shell
I'll go to Hell,
Uh oh, uh oh uh oh
 
Uh oh... uh Oh...
It's off the cliff we go...
If I hit it hard,
He'll take my card,
Uh oh , uh oh, uh oh,
(stepping out of line for a second...)
 
(If I break the Shell refers to a camper shell.)
(He'll take my card refers to my driver's license.)
 
(back to the song.)
 
Uh oh, uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go...
If it's all a dream,
I'm going to scream!
Uh oh, uh oh... 
 
****

VALDRIC THE VEGETARIAN VIKING 
-Words by Rathflaed DeTunin 
The Black Bard of Meridies 
 
I've traveled many lands it's true and some I can't recall, 
And I think that no matter how far I go, I'll never see them all. 
I've traveled countries so far across like fine Merideas, 
And  some I've traveled were drops in a pond; I walked across  in 
days. 
And  many  I've  met, and many I've seen, and a few  were  to  my 
liking. 
But  one I'll remember to my dying day is Valdric the  vegetarian 
viking. 

You've  heard of Fates, monsters and Gods, and the man who  would 
not die. 
You've  heard of elves and dwarves and such, and  the  beholder's 
beautied eye. 
You've  heard  of  orcs and trolls I'm sure and  nasties  by  the 
score. 
I've covered most, I just don't think that I can name any more. 
Well dragons and treasures and maidens are great, but now I  just 
don't care. 
For I have seen Valdric and all of these things to him just don't 
compare. 
                                                                
Eight foot four he stood to tower over men, 
You'd look at his boots, get up to his knees, and look back  down 
again. 
He  wore a helmet with horns, and a half moon axe, that made  you 
think, "Beware!" 
And his boots and his hat and his face and his arms were  covered 
with three inch hair. 
Then  you'd get to his eyes, and notice his smile, and  think,"He 
wouldn't hurt anything!" 
And  his four foot girth, yes that's him, Valdric the  vegetarian 
viking. 

We  met  at a court I've traveled to some, and thought  that  I'd 
stay at awhile, 
I've  relatives  there,  or so some might say, at  the  court  of 
squire Logan of Guille. 
He had just come in, and been offered some meat, and  regretfully 
had to decline, 
He said,"Though a rare treat, I will not eat meat, Have you  some 
turnips and wine?" 
All  talking stopped, and everyone stared, and one of the  ladies 
just swooned then. 
Then all down the hall, the fighters stood up, turned and dropped 
trou and then mooned him. 

But Valdric just stood there, through the snickers and jeers, and 
politely resaid his request. 
Squire Logan roared,"Be quiet you all! I'll not have you laugh at 
a guest!" 
Then the men were abashed though they still stood and stared, and 
they brought him some wine and some cheese. 
While  he  sat next to me, I was startled to see on his  axe  was 
engraved a small tree. 
I  then  asked him why, and he winked his  right  eye,  said,"Why 
shouldn't I hate all plants? 
My  family  died, with me still a child, at the  hands  of  those 
murderous treants!" 
 
We talked for a while, of him as a child, and quickly became fast 
friends. 
And all the next week, we were seen round the keep, chatting  and 
laughing again. 
And every now and then you'd see us off on an errand or foray, 
And  once  in the kitchen(or on our way out) saw  the  fair  lady 
Gwinneth Anorae. 
She  looked very worried, we asked what was wrong, she said  that 
the squire had been sent, 
Off to the border, with most of his men, to fight off an army  of 
treants. 

"Treants!",  cried  Valdric as he loosened his axe,  "I'll  carve 
them and eat them like beets!" 
And  then off he raced, while swinging his axe, as fast as  would 
move his two feets. 
All  the way to the battle, without stopping once, I  heard  that 
the viking did run. 
And then when I got there, at close to days end, I found that  he 
was almost done. 
Sore  bestead was the army, until he got there, they'd fight  and 
then slowly retreat. 
But  then in rushed Valdric, and he swung his great axe,  and  he 
mowed down the treants like wheat. 

Aye,  his half-moon cut trunks, cut branches and berries, and  he 
munched on the pieces the while. 
But  they  marched in by scores, and hundreds and  thousands,  to 
fight with his weed whacking smile. 
When he had finished, he looked round for more, and was  startled 
to hear a great roar. 
Crying,"Valdric the viking! A warrior true! May he live on forev-
er  more!" 
Then  he fell to the ground, and squire Logan looked  round,  and 
asked me what I thought did hap. 
Then  I laughed right out loud, and I said to the crowd,"I  think 
he faints at the sight of sap." 

And  those who could hear, laughed with great cheer, and  Valdric 
woke up and looked round. 
Then  louder they cheered, as Valdric they neared, and they  car-
ried him right into town. 
That day he was piled with awards for his deeds, the squire  made 
him part of the court. 
Now  I've traveled on, and long I've been gone, but I still  know 
where I'll find my sort. 
For  when I am weary of the world and it's cares, of  the  hustle 
and bustle and fighting, 
I  can go see my friend, Who is there till the end,  Valdric  the 
vegetarian viking. 
 
words copyright Rathflaed DeTunin  1991

****

WE DIDN'T START THE SERIES
Words: probably Martin Pollard
Tune: "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel

Jean-Luc, Geordi's specs,
Mysteries on the holodecks,
Asteroids, triple droids,
Telepathic Betazoids.

Transporter, deadly claw,
Visitor from L.A. Law,
Photons, no Kirk,
Captain has gone berzerk!

Shuttlecraft, Counselor Troi,
Doctor Crusher's little boy,
Klingon rites, parasites,
New heights, phaser fights!

Data's head, Tasha's dead,
Riker's hangin' by a thread,
Celebration, transformation,
Everyone to battle stations!

We didn't start the series,
It's the Next Generation on your favorite station,
We didn't start the series,
But when we are gone it will still be on and on and on...

We didn't start the series...

Alternative Chorus by Eugene Marksworth 
 
We didn't start the series!
It's the next gen'ration
on your fav'rite station,
We didn't start the series!
We can't take the blame,

for the show's greatest fame! 

****

We Wish
Words: Joey McKangaroo
Tune: "We Wish you a Merry Christmas"
 
We wish you would leave a message
We Wish you would leave a message
We Wish you would leave a message
So wait for the beep.
 
You got our machine
So wait for the tone,
Then leave your name and number
and Hang Up The Phone!
 
We wish you would leave a message
We wish you would leave a message
We Wish you would leave a message
So wait for the <BEEEEEEEEP!!>
 
words copyright Joey McKangaroo Sept 1991 

****

YOU CAN SING...
Words: anonymous
Tune: Alice's Restaurant
 
You can sing anything you want to "Alice's Restaurant"
You can sing anything you want to "Alice's Restaurant"
From [ something ] to [ something - "Eric the Grim"?],
Pick any song and jump right in
You can sing anything you want to "Alice's Restaurant".

**** 

Another Young Folks, Old Folks verse...
As contributed by Andrew Rajcher

     Moses was the leader of the Israelatic flock,
     He used to get spa water just by tapping on a rock.
     But then, from the multitude there came a mighty cheer,
     For instead of getting water, he got Foster's Lager beer!

****CAMP SONGS (aka the Child(ish) Ballads)****

BRIDGE SONG
Words: traditional
Tune:  theme  from Bridge over the River  Kwai  (though  probably 
predating that movie by plenty...)
Contributed by Dave Aronson

Hitler
Has only got one ball;
Goering
Has two but very small;
Himmler
Is rather sim'lar,
And Mister Goebbels
Has no balls
At all!

****

Ducks and Snipes Forever 
Words: traditional kids song
Tune: Stars and Stripes Forever
Contributed by Eugene Marksworth 

"Be kind to our fine feathered friends...
 For a duck may be somebody's muuuuuu-ther,
 Don't kill all our fine feathered friends,
 There aren't enough for us,
 
 So when hunting season has come,
 Just say 'no' to all the hunters and trap-pers,
 for someday all the geese will ROAR!
 and there'll be eggs, ham & eggs, for all and sun-dry, HEY!"

Variant reported by Kay Shapero

"Be kind to your web-footed friends...
For that duck could be somebody's muuuuu-ther,
Be kind to your friends in the swamp,
Where the weather is very, very dawmp,
You may think that this is the end,
You are right!"

****

GREAT GREEN GOBS
Words: Joey McKangaroo
Tune: The original was to The Old Grey Mare; this has mutated
 
Great Green Gobs of Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts,
Simulated Monkey Muck,
Fruit Flies and Feta Cheese,
Crushed Snail Shells to Please,
French worms on a Sourdough Roll,
I don't have a spoon!
(Better pick straws...)

See how you like THAT!  (Bleeah...) 

[if this is copyright I WILL be surprised.  Oh, Joey...]

And an alternate version written by Eugene Marksworth
 
Great Green Gobs of Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts,
Seventy day-old monkey muck,
Dried up inchworms in a stew,
Snail shells enough for two,
Anchovies sitting in a pile of grease,
I forgot my spoon!
(Better use a straw...)
 
****

THE LITTLEST WORM
Words: traditional camp song
Tune: "Sipping Cider Through a Straw"
Contributed by Susan Grant
 
The littlest worm (repeat) 
I ever saw (repeat) 
Got stuck inside (repeat) 
My soda straw (repeat) 
(Repeat the whole verse) 

****

OH SAY...
Words: traditional kid song
Tune: "Star Spangled Banner"
contributed by Eugene Marksworth 

Oh say can you see,
any bedbugs on me?
If you do, take a few,
then I won't have quite so many.
 
Who is making these cars?
They're just falling apart!
Oh, my TIIII-re is flat,
I think I got it from K-Mart.
 
Somebody call the Cops!
I'm be'ing attacked by guys wi'mops!
And my bus driver knows,
Everywhere he's gotta stop!
 
Oh, why can't this stupid l'il
BALL-Game ever start?
 
'Cause I am getting bored!
And I'm afraid that I will faaaart!

****

Over There
Words: traditional kids song
Tune: Over there...
Contributed by Eugene Marksworth
 
"Over there,
 Over there,
 Take your chair,
 and go sit,
 over there..."

****

TRA LA LA
Words: traditional kids song
Tune: Tra La La Boom De-Ay...
contributed by Joey McKangaroo
 
Tra la la boom De-Ay...
We have no school today!
Our teacher passed away,
She died just yesterday!
We laid her in some hay,
And threw her in the bay!
And when we pulled her out,
She smelled like sauerkraut!
Tra la la boom de-ay,
We have no school today!

Addendum from Dave Aronson

The way I remember it was "She died of tooth decay".   Especially 
appropriate at that age, when grownups keep threatening kids with 
it if we don't brush our teeth....

 
****

More We're Out Of Spaghetti, 
(these additional verses by Dave Aronson)

We can't have dessert yet,
The main course ain't done,
And sittin' around here
Is not very fun.

We've still got some salad,
And soup in the pot,
But pasta and meatballs
Is what we ain't got.

Next time we tell Joe-Bob
To come for a meal,
Maybe we should find the
Best bulk-pasta deal!

WHISTLE
Words: traditional kids song
Tune: Whistle While you Work...
contributed by Joey McKangaroo
 
Whistle While you work,
'Cause Hitler is a jerk,
Mussolini
bit his weenie (?!?!?!)
Now it doesn't work! 

Addendum from Dave Aronson

I  heard it as "Hitler likes to jerk" ("off" being implied),  and 
"Mussolini broke his weenie".  

--end of file--
