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What is the difference between...

.. A french horn and a lawnmower?
    You can tune a lawnmower.

.. A clarinet and an onion?
    Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.

.. A saxophone and a chainsaw?
    The grip.

.. An accordion and a trampoline?
    You are supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the
    trampoline.

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Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None.  They have a machine that does that now.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door ?
A: The knocking always speeds up.

Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room ?
A: They never know when to come in.

Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light buld?
A: 50. 1 to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that
   better.

Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personality.

Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."

Q: What's the difference between a moose and a blues band?
A: The moose has the horns up front and the asshole behind.

Q: How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.  Bono holds up the light bulb, and the universe revolves
   around his ass.

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What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
A violin burns faster.

Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both f**k up bowings.

What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.

What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
A dressmaker tucks up frills.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

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A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and
a smoking crater where his house used to be.  The cheif of poice comes over
to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house,
killed your family, and burned it down."  The violist replied, "You're
kidding!  The conductor came to my house?"

A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically.  The conductor
askes the violist, "What's wrong?"  The violist answers, "The second oboe
loosened one of my tuning pegs."  The conductor replied, "I admit, that
seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about.  Why are you
crying?"  To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"

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The composition of a string quartet:
1 good violinist
1 bad violinist
1 really bad violinist who became a violist
1 cellist who hates all violinists.

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                          GLOSSARY OF MUSICAL TERMS

ACCIDENTALS: Wrong notes

AUGMENTED FIFTH: A 36-ounce bottle

BROKEN CONSORT: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the
restroom.

CADENCE: When everybody hopes you're going to stop - but you don't

CADENZA: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola"

CANTUS FIRMUS: The part you get when you can only play four notes

CHANSONS DE GESTE: Dirty songs

CLAUSULA: Mrs. Santa

CROTCHET: A tritone with a bent prong - or

CROTCHET: It's like knitting but it's faster

CUT TIME: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the
ensemble.

DUCTIA: A lot of mallards

EMBOUCHRE: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn

ESTAMPIE: What they put on letters in Quebec

GARGLEFINKLEIN: A tiny recorder played by neums

HOCKET: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett

INTERVAL: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three
kinds:

   Major Interval: A long time
   Minor Interval: A few bars
   Inverted Interval: When you have to back one bar and try again

INTONATION: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the
Middle Ages

ISORHYTHMIC MOTET: When half of the ensemble got a different xerox than the
other half

MINNESINGER: A boy soprano

MUSICA FICTA: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it
again. Also known as faking

NEUMS: Renaissance midgets

NEUMATIC MELISMA: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets

ORDO: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings"

PERFORMANCE PRACTISE: Sex education

ROTA: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts

TROTTO: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge

LAUDA: The difference between shawms and krummhorns

SANCTA: Clausula's husband

LASSO: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale

DI LASSO: Popular with Italian cowboys

LAI: What monks give up when they take their vows

VIRELAI: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai

CONDUCTUS: The process of getting Vire into the cloister

MOTET: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded

ORGANUM: You may not participate in the Lai without one

PARALELL ORGANUM: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire

DUCTIA: Vire's organum

MINIM: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line

BREVE: The time you spend when the line is short

TEMPUS PERFECTUM: A good time was had by all

TEMPUS IMPERFECTUM: Vire had to leave early

LONGA: The time between visits with Vire

PROLATION: Precautions taken before the Lai

CROTCHET: An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is
not used

DRONE: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet

RHYTHMIC DRONE: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet

SOLESME: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet

ISORHYTHM: The individual process of releif when Vire is out of town

ORGANISTRUM: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists,
cause by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper

HURDY-GURDY: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum

QUAVER: Beginning viol class

RACKETT: Capped reeds class

RITORNELLO: An opera by Verdi

SINE PROPRIETATE: Cussing in church

SUPERTONIC: Schweppes

TRANSPOSITION: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to
soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece

TROPE: A malevolent Neum

TUTTI: A lot of sackbuts

STOPS: Something Bach did not have on his organ

AGNUS DEI: A famous female church composer

METRONOME: A dwarf who lives in the city

ALLEGRO: Leg fertilizer

RECITATIVE: A disease that Monteverdi had

ORCHESTRAL SUITES: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras

Collected from: Dr. John Robison, USF College of Music
