   BEING THE ALPHABETICAL INDEX TO THE BAWDY AND OTHERWISE AWFUL,
   IRREVERENT AND IRRESPONSIBLE SONGS OF THE BLACK BOOK OF LOCKSLEY

   Abdul el Bulbul, Emir................................Pg
   Against All Flags....................................Pg
   Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life...............Pg
   Ancient and Old Irish Condom, The....................Pg

   Ball of Ballyknure, The..............................Pg 
   Ballad Of Stark Unbelief, The........................Pg
   Bantam Cock, The.....................................Pg
   Barnacle Bill The Sailor.............................Pg 
   Bastard King of England, The.........................Pg
   B-I-M-B-O............................................Pg

   Christianity Hits The Spot...........................Pg
   Coeur de Boef Challenge Song.........................Pg
   Columbo..............................................Pg
   Countess' Garter, The................................Pg

   Farting Contest, The.................................Pg
   Fight For Liberation.................................Pg
   Four Drunken Maidens.................................Pg
   Friggin' Falcon, The.................................Pg

   God Rest Ye Unitarians...............................Pg
   God's Great Gifts....................................Pg
   Goodbye To All That..................................Pg

   Has Anybody Seen My Lord?............................Pg

   I Am An Anglican.....................................Pg
   I'll Go No More A-Rovin'.............................Pg
   In Days Of Old.......................................Pg
   It Takes A Nasty Man.................................Pg

   Jenny Be Fair........................................Pg
   Jesus Loves the Little Pop Cans......................Pg
   Jesus Puts His Money In The 1st Natl. Bank...........Pg
   Jimmy Swaggert Song, The.............................Pg

   Kingdom That Swallowed A Lie, The....................Pg

   London Derrierre.....................................Pg

   Mermaid, The.........................................Pg
   Modest Wench, The....................................Pg
   Molly Malone.........................................Pg
   Moose Song, The......................................Pg
   My God How The Money Rolls In (see: Sexual Life Of The Camel)

   Old Drubbed Ding.....................................Pg
   One-Ball Riley.......................................Pg
   Our Baby Died Last Night.............................Pg

   Plastic Jesus........................................Pg
   Plymouth Maid, The (see: I'll Go No More A-Rovin')
   Pope, The............................................Pg
   Puff, The Jewish Dragon..............................Pg

2

   Puff, The Tragic Faggot..............................Pg

   Ramblin' Hunchback, or the Ballad of Richard III.....Pg
   Red Flag, The........................................Pg
   Riddle, The..........................................Pg
   Roll Your Leg Over...................................Pg

   SCA Be Damned, The...................................Pg
   Sea Crabb, The.......................................Pg
   Seven Nights Drunk...................................Pg
   Sexual Life Of The Camel, The........................Pg
   Shape Of Things, The.................................Pg
   Sheik of House Locksley..............................Pg
   Sleeping Scotsman, The...............................Pg
   Spanish Inquisition, The.............................Pg
   Sperm Song, The......................................Pg
   Squires' Song, The...................................Pg

   Tail Toddle..........................................Pg
   Torquemada's Band (see: Spanish Inquisition, The)
   Trelon, Trelon!......................................Pg
   Trimarian Sheep Song.................................Pg

   Vatican Caskets......................................Pg
   Virgin Sturgeon, The.................................Pg

   Wager, The...........................................Pg
   Wake up, Little Floozie!.............................Pg
   Waltz Me Around Again, Hrothgar......................Pg
   Westminister Whore, The..............................Pg
   What's It All About?.................................Pg

                        *****************


























3
 BEING THE BAWDY, IRREVERENT AND GENERALLY OBNOXIOUS SONGS FROM THE BLACK
 BOOK OF LOCKSLEY, ARRANGED IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER FOR EASE OF FINDING THE
 DAMN THINGS TO ANNOY HATS, FUBBA-WUBBAS, AND OVERSTUFFED PERSONS IN GENERAL

        ***************************************************************

             ABDUL EL BULBUL, EMIR!
                         -Anonymous

     In the harems of Egypt it's good to behold
     The fairest of harlots appear,
     But the fairest, a Greek
     Was owned by a sheik
     Named Abdul el Bulbul Emir!

     A traveling brothel came into the town
     Run by a pimp from afar
     Whose great reputation 
     Had traveled the nation:
     'Twas Ivan Skidavitsky Skavar!

     Abdul the Bulbul arrived with his bride
     A prize whose eyes shone like a star
     He claimed he could prong
     More cunts with his dong
     Than Ivan Skidavitsky Skavar!

     A day was arranged for the spectacle great;
     A visit was planned by the Czar!
     And the curbs were all lined
     With harlots reclined
     In honour of Ivan Skavar!

     They met on the track with their tools hanging slack
     Dressed only in shoes and a leer,
     Both were fast on the rise
     but folks gasped at the size
     Of Abdul el Bulbul Emir!

     The cunts were all shorn, and no rubbers adorned
     The prongs of the pimp and the peer,
     But the pimp's steady stroke
     Soon left without hope
     The chance of the Bulbul Emir!

     They worked thru the night til the dawn's early light
     The clamor was heard from afar
     The multitudes came 
     To applaud the ball game
     Of Abdul and Ivan Skavar!

     When Ivan had finished, he turned to the Greek,
     And laughed when she shivered in fear
     She swallowed his pride, 
     He buggered the bride
     Of Abdul el Bulbul, Emir!


                      (more)

4
Abdul El Bulbul Emir (cont.)

     When Ivan was done, and was wiping his gun,
     He bent down to polish his gear;
     He felt, up his ass,
     A hard pecker pass;
     'Twas Abdul el Bulbul, Emir!           

     The crowd loudly howled that it was a foul,
     They were ordered to part, by the Czar,
     But fast they were jammed;
     The pecker was crammed
     In Ivan Skidavitsky Skavar!

     Now, the cream of the joke, when apart they were broke,
     Was laughed at for years by the Czar:
     For Abdul the Bulbul
     Left most of his tool
     In Ivan Skidavitsky Skavar!

     The fair Grecian maiden a sad vigil keeps
     With a husband whose tastes have turned queer...
     She longs for the dong
     That once did belong
     To Abdul el Bulbul, Emir!

                          *

                  AGAINST ALL FLAGS
                  (Tune: "Girl I Left Behind Me")

  Oh, the SCA is the kind of play
  That spodes all get their kicks on
  And Pennsic War is the kind of bore
  That the peoples can get sicks on!
  And I'd like to sod the Goddam BoD
  With a dildo made of brass on,
  And your Kingdom Flag is the kind of rag
  That a Mongol wipes his ass on!

  Oh the Chivalry are very "twee,"
  And the Laurels don't do nothin'.
  And the Pelican fags are all on the rag;
  In an uproar about somethin'.
  For the King and Queen are seldom seen,
  With their Goddam cute brass hats on,
  And your Kingdom Flag is the kind of a rag
  That a Mongol wipes his ass on!

  Oh the Great Dark Horde doesn't have a sword
  That's worth a wooden firkin
  And the Moritu don't know what to do
  But sit and jerk their gherkin!
  And the Tuchux upchuck woodchuck guts
  At the Royal's brass-ass hats on,
  And the Mongol flag is the kind of a rag
  That the Kingdom wipes it's ass on!
  
                          *

5
                        *

          ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
                (from "The Life Of Brian" (Monty Python)

    Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say.
    Some things in life are bad
    They can really make you mad
    Other things just make you swear and curse
    When you're chewing on life's gristle
    Don't grumble, give a whistle
    And this'll help things turn out for the best...
    And......always look on the bright side of life
     (whistle)
    Always look on the bright side of life...
     (whistle)

    If life seems jolly rotten
    There's something you've forgotten
    And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing,
    When you're feeling in the dumps,
    Don't be silly chumps
    Just purse your lips and whistle--that's the thing.

    And...always look on the bright side of life...
     (whistle)
    Always look on the right side of life...
     (whistle)

    For life is quite absurd
    And death's the final word
    You must always face the curtain with a bow
    Forget about your sin--give the audiences a grin
    Enjoy it--it's your last chance anyhow.
    So always look on the bright side of death
    Just before you draw your terminal breath

    Life's a piece of shit
    When you look at it
    Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true,
    You'll see it's all a show,
    Keep 'em laughing as you go
    Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

    And always look on the bright side of life...
     (whistle)
    Always look on the right side of life
     (whistle)

                               *










6
                        *

        THE ANCIENT AND OLD IRISH CONDOM
                              -Anonymous
        (Tune: "Rosin the Beau")
        (Recorded: "Celtic Pride: In Strange Form")

     I was up to me arse in the muck, Sir,
     with a peat contract down in the bog
     When me shovel it struck something hard, Sir,
     that I thought was a rock or a log

     T'was a box of the finest old oak, Sir,
     T'was a foot long, and four inches wide
     and not giving a damn for the Fairies
     I just took a quick look inside

     Now I opened the lid of this box, Sir,
     and I swear that my story is true
     T'was an ancient and old Irish condom
     A relic of Brian Boru

     T'was an ancient and old Irish condom
     T'was a foot long, and made of elk hide,
     With a little gold tag on it's end, Sir,
     with his name, rank, and stud fee inscribed

     Now, I cast me mind back thru the ages
     To the days of that horny old Celt
     With his wife lyin' by on the bed, Sir,
     As he stood by the fire in his pelt

     And I thought that I heard Brian whisper
     As he stood in the fire's rosy light
     "Well, you've had yer own way long enough, dear...
     'Tis the hairy side outside, tonight."


                   *





















7
                        *

      THE BALLAD OF STARK UNBELIEF
                 -Ioseph of Locksley
                 -tune: variant on "I wish I was a busy bee"
                        or "There are no Fighter Pilots"

     (Chorus): Oh------
               Put it on the ground
               Spread it all around
               Dig it with a hoe
               It'll make your flowers grow!

     Now, peerages are given for a reason
     And that reason is simply understood:
     For Chivalry, and Honesty, and Bravery
     And being very, very, very Good!

     Awards are given out to the deserving,
     And no one EVER bitches, out of spite!
     We forget the little slights and innuendos
     And we really DO believe that Right makes Might!

     "Nepotisim" is a word we've never heard of,
     "Politics" is just a friendly little game!
     We have counted every shot that we've been given,
     And Camelot is where we always aim!

     Oh the King is up there, sitting in the Throne Room,
     And the Pelicans are sitting on the grass,
     The Knights are getting drunk and falling down (a lot),
     And the Laurels are all sitting on their...laurels! 

     The BoD is doing something I'm not sure of,        
     The Registry has lost your membership,
     The Marshallate can't find it's head with both hands and a road-map,
     And the Heralds are all full of chicken-ship!

                             *





















8
      THE BALL OF BALLYKNURE (AKA: THE GATHERING OF THE CLANS)
               -Traditional Scots from the 1880's
               SCA verses by Ioseph of Locksley & many others
               NO responsibility for misuse is assumed!

 Oh the Ball, the Ball of Ballyknure
 Where your wife, and my wife, were doin' it on the floor!

 (chorus) Wha' do ya, lassie?
          and wha' do y'noo?
          I'm the man what did y'last, lass,
          I canna do y'noo!

 The Queen was in the parlour, eatin bread and honey
 The King was in the chambermaid, and she was in the money!

 The village idiot he was there, a-sittin' by the fire
 Attempting masturbation with an india-rubber tyre!

 Oh, the village postman he was there, but he had the Pox
 He couldna' do the ladies so he did the letter-box!

 The Queen of England she was there, backed against the wall
 "Put yer money on the table, boys, I'm going ta do you all!"

 The Count and Countess, they were there, a-doin' on the stair
 The bannister broke, and down they fell, they finished in mid-air!

 There was music in the garden, there was music in the sticks
 You couldna' hear the music for the swishin' o' the pricks!

 They were doin' it on the landing, they were doin' it on the stairs
 You couldna' see the carpet for the wealth of pubic hairs!

 The Kingdom Herald, he was there, whattya think o'that?
 Blazoning positions wi' a Duchess and a cat!

 The fubba-wubbas they were there, sittin' all alone
 Complainin of the doin's with loud and piercing moans!

 Mr. Jameison he was there, the one that fought the Boers
 He jumped up on the table and he shouted for the hoors!

 The Board of Directors they were there, and they were shocked to see
 Four-and-twenty maidenheads a-hangin' from a tree!

 John the Blacksmith he was there, he wouldna play the game
 He did a lassie seven times, but wouldna see her hame!

 The village Constable he was there, now whattya think o'that?
 Amusin' himself by abusin' himself, and catchin' it in his hat...

 It started out so simple-like: each lad and lassie mated
 But pretty soon the doin's got so bloody complicated!

 Four and twenty virgins came down from Cuinimore
 Only two got back again, and they were double-bore!

                         * more *

9
 Ball of Ballyknure (cont.)

 Clan MacChluarain, they were there, sleepin in the shade
 For no one could decide if they were Man, or Sheep, or Maid!

 The village pervert he was there, scratchin' at his crotch
 But no one minded him at all, he was only there to watch!

 The Kingdom Seneshal was there, linin' 'em up in rows
 He didna use his pecker, lads, he did 'em with his toes!

 The village cripple he was there, but he didna shag too much
 His old John Thomas had fallen off, so he did 'em with his crutch!

 The old schoolteacher he was there, he diddled by rule-of-thumb
 workin' logarithmicly the times that he would come!

 The village chimney-sweep was there, a really filthy brute
 For every time he farted, he covered 'em all with soot!

 The local Cavaliers were there, in elegance they sat
 A-doin' Things Unusual with the feathers in their hat!

 The Rapier-fighters they were there, doin' what they could
 A-thrustin' and a-parryin' with Real Steel, not with wood!

 The local Hordesmen they were there, busier than bees
 the ladies wouldna have 'em, so they diddled dogs and trees!

 The village carpenter he was there, with his prick of wood
 He made it when he lost his own, and it worked just as good!

 The shenai-fighters they were there, all wrapped up in smiles
 A-doin' everyone they could in Oriental style!

 The College of Heralds they were there, in the other room
 Arguin' about who would do what, with which, to whom!

 The rattan-jocks were out in force and they were such a sight
 They didna do the ladies 'cause they'd heard there was a fight!

 The old fishmonger he was there, a dirty stinkin sod
 He never got a rise that night, so he diddled 'em with a cod!

 The Kingdom Laurels they were there, and quite a sight to see
 A-doin' everyone they could, and most artisticly!

 The Kingdom Pelicans were there, doin' it with a sob
 They diddled out of duty; it was just another job!

 Four and twenty virgins went down to Inverness
 And when the Ball was over, there were four and twenty less!

 There was doin's on the porches, and doin's on the stones
 You couldna' hear the music for the loud and joyful moans!

 (insert name) he was there, covered up with smiles
 Doin' thirty-two at once, and in amazing style!

                         * more *
10
 Ball of Ballyknure (cont.)

 All the Kingdom spodes were there, but they just sat and sulked
 For this was the occasion that no one told them "Get fulked!"

 Clan MacChluarain they were there, chasin' round the Keep
 And every single man of them buggerin' a sheep!

 (insert name) had a gerbil, he diddled it very well
 He didn't wrap it in duct tape: he blew it all to hell!

 (insert name) he was there, with his favourite toys:
 A dozen beautiful women, and a dozen beautiful boys!

 (insert name) he was there; he wasn't very nice
 He didna do the ladies, he did gerbils, rats and mice!

 (insert name) she was there, covered all in sweat,
 Takin' on all comers, and she hasn't finished yet!

 (insert name) she was there, covered all in sweat,
 The Dark Horde carried her away, and we ain't found her yet!

 The Locksley Monsters they were there, lookin' for some nookie
 But they got distracted by a chocolate chippie cookie!

 (insert name) he was there, a crafty friend of Ghengis,
 He speaks a lot of languages; he is a cunning linguist!

 The village Masochist, he was there, beggin' for some blows
 The Sadist merely looked at him, and softly answered "No!"

 Yang the Nauseating was sittin' out in back
 The ladies did na' want him for he smelled too much of yak!

 The village druggist he was there, grinnin' like a fox
 He'd sold out of condoms, so he sold 'em dirty socks!

 Buell the Kind was also there, that beggar meek and mild,
 He didna' do the ladies, he had brought his favourite child!

 (insert name) he was there at the revel feast
 He doesn't like the girls, and the boys call him "The Beast!"

 And in the morning, early, the Farmer nearly shat
 For four and twenty acres was nearly fuckit flat!

 It was a grand old party, lads, and sure a Locksley Plot
 And every lad and lassie there was glad of what they got!

 And when the Ball was over, everyone confessed
 The music it was wonderful, but the "doin's" were the best!



 ***************************************************************  




11
 ***************************************************************
 Follows are extra verses, and XXX-rated verses, to "The Ball of
                         Ballyknure":

 (Alternate CHORUS): Singin' balls to your partner
                     Arse agin' th' wall!
                     If y'canna' get laid on Saturday nicht
                     You canna' get laid at all!

 The Minister's wife, she was there, buckled tae th' front
 Wi' a wreath of roses round her arse, and thistles round her cunt!

 The Minister's dochter, she was there, an' she gat roarin' fu'
 Sae they doubled her ower the midden wa' and did her like a coo!

 The undertaker he was there, in a long black shroud
 Swinging from the chandelier, and pissing on the crowd!

 (insert name) was there, as well, she kept us all in fits
 Jumping off the mantlepiece, and bouncing on her tits!

 The village cooper he was there; he had a mighty tool!
 He pulled his foreskin over his head, and yodeled thru the hole!

 The local vicar, he was there, his collar back to front
 He said, "My girls, thy sins are blessed!" and shoved it up their 
                                                            cunts!

 The local surgeon, he was there, with his knife in hand,
 And every time he turned around, he circumsized a man!

 The village idiot he was there, up to his favorite trick:
 Bouncin' on his testicles and whistlin' thru his prick!

 The village fireman was there, quenchin' lassie's fires
 He diddled 'em in the firetruck, right beside the tires!
 
 (insert name) was also there, standing back-to-front,
 With thirteen inches of candlestick inserted in her cunt!

 The village nympho, she was there, wi' a happy grin
 Every hole was stuffit fu', and she was fu' o' quim!

 The village glazier he was there, with his prick of glass
 He diddled 'em in their cunnys, and also in the ass!

 One female musician was some sight to watch
 With "Dowland" from her lute, and "Palestrina" from her crotch!

 There was doin's in the bedrooms, there was doin's in the tub
 'Till every single pecker there was worn down to a nub!

 The bride was in the bedroom, explainin' to the groom:
 The vagina, not the rectum, is the entrance to the womb! 

 The King was in the counting house, counting out his wealth;
 The Queen was in the parlor, playin' with herself!

                      * more *

12
 Extra and XXX-rated verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)

 (insert name) he was there, his balls was made of brass
 And when he blew a fart, m'lads, sparks flew out his ass! 

 The tailor was a busy man; his work went to his head
 Sewing up the stretched-out cunts with miles and miles of thread!

 The Elder Statesmen all were there; they were too old to firk,
 So they sat around the table and they had a circle-jerk!

 (insert name) was excited and racin' round the hall
 A-pullin' on his pecker and showin' off his balls!

 The Parson's wife, she was there; she was the worst of all:
 She pulled her skirts above her head and shouted: "Fuck it all!"

 (insert name) he was there; he played a wily game:
 He did his lassie fourteen times before he finally came!

 (name) and (name) they were there, and they were quite a pair,
 Each did a lassie seven times, and never touched the hair!

 (insert name) he was there, up to his old trick:
 Dancin' naked 'round the room, pirouettin' on his prick!

 (insert name) he was there, but he wouldna' dance,
 Just sat there with his ten-inch rise, a-waitin' for his chance!

 (insert name) he was there; he was the perfect fool:
 He sat beneath the old oak tree, and whittled off his tool!

 (insert name) he was there, up from Dungaree
 With a yard-and-a-half of Glory, that hung below his knee!

 The Queen, she had a chicken, the King he had a duck,
 So they put them on the table to see if they would fight!

 The cows were wearin' bridles, the horses wearin' bits
 The Queen she wore two harness-rings thru the nipples of her tits!

 (insert name) he was there, grinnin' at the Queen
 He'd built himself a dildo, and powered it by steam!

 (insert name) he was there, that rowdy rantin' bloke
 Masturbatin' all by himself with a backhand double stroke!     

 The Royal Fool was also there, sittin' in the hall,
 Tryin' to do a mongoose with an india-rubber ball!

 (insert name) he was there, that egocentric elf,
 The ladies were na' guid enough, so he went and fucked himself! 

 (insert name) she was there, and she was very strange:
 You stick a dollar in her cunt, she'd spit back 10 cents change!

 (insert name) he was there, but he was fast asleep
 The ladies wouldna have him, and we'd run clean out of sheep!

                    * more *
13
 Extra and XXX-rated verses to "Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.):

 (Alternate CHORUS): Singin' who hae ye, lassie?
                     Who hae ye noo?
                     The ane that had ye last time
                     He canna hae ye noo!

 (insert name) he was there, big and strong and mean,
 Out behind the bushes, boys, picking his next Queen!

 They tried it on the garden path, and once around the park,
 And when the candles snotted out, they diddled in the dark!

 First they did it simple, then they tried it he's and she's,
 But before the ball was over, they went at it fives and threes!

 The groom was in the corner, oiling up his tool,
 The bride was in the icebox, her private parts to cool!

 (insert name) (s)he was there, backed against the wall,
 (s)he didn't want the doin's, just a lot of alcohol!

 First lady over, second lady front,
 Third lady's finger up the fourth lady's cunt!

 Fifth lady worn and dry, sixth lady passed,
 Seventh lady's finger up the eighth lady's ass!

 Ninth lady forward, tenth lady back,
 Eleventh lady's finger in the twelfth lady's crack!

 (insert name) he was there, givin' happy sighs!
 His rise had used up so much skin he couldna close his eyes!

 A strapping Scotsman he was there, known to all as "Ronald"
 His rise it weighed a quarter-pound...he must be a MacDonald!

 Bunny Foo-foo he was there, hoppin' thru the wood,
 Doin' the Good Fairy like a horny rabbit should!

 Big Goon Foo-Foo, he was there, stomping thru the weeds
 Buggering the Good Fairy ( his attitudes have NEEDS! )

 Monty Python, they were there, with their ferocious MOOSE,
 "The bloody parrot's bloomin' DEAD; 'e canna reproduce!"

 (insert name), that randy wench, she was also there,
 And thirty men were suckit dry before she stopped for air!

 (name) and (name) they were there, havin' themselves a ball,
 She hiccuped as he took her, and she swallowed him, shoes and all!

 The Kingdom Marshal, he was there, full of botheration,
 For nobody signed a waiver for the evening's fornication!

 (insert name) she was there, and she was lookin' pert,
 With six or seven Cavaliers underneath her skirt!

                    * more *

14
 Extra and XXX-rated verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)

 (insert name) was also there, with his feather-bed,
 And on the bedposts he had marked his score of maidenheads!

 Santa Claus was also there, and very drunk, I fear,
 You'd be drunk there with him if you came just once a year!
 
 (insert name) he was there, and he was smooth and slick,
 Tallyin' up his score that night by notches on his prick!

 The village dwarf was also there, that randy little runt,
 He'd dive upon a lassie, headfirst in her cunt!

 (insert name) she was there, the fattest of the lot,
 So they rolled her up in flour, and looked for the wettest spot!

 (insert name) (s)he was there, hid behind a mask,
 God knows what (s)he was doin', lads, we didna stop to ask!

 (insert name) was also there, (s)he was a sight to see,
 They bent him (her) o'er the table, and the rest was Greek to me!

 James the First and Sixth was there, a sight you should have seen,
 He was the King of England but preferred to be the Queen!

 (insert name) he was there, but he was runnin' late,
 Askin' round from man to man just how to copulate!

 (insert name) was also there, but he was fast asleep,
 Cuddled up, with a happy grin, beside his rubber sheep!

 The (insert name) all were there, that's what I presume,
 They buggered themselves into a chain, and danced around the room!

 (insert name) she was there, and she was wondrous wise,
 With "USDA Grade A Choice", tattooed on her thighs!

 (insert name) he was there, sittin' on a stump,
 Masturbation was his choice; he didn't know how to hump!

 (insert name) was also there, doin' his famous stunt:
 Braidin' all the pubic hair on every single cunt!

 Anne Bolyn was also there, even tho she's dead,
 She's terrific on her back, me boys, but better giving head!

 Cyrano de Bergerac, dressed in fancy clothes,
 He wouldna use his pecker, lads, he did 'em with his nose!

 Pinocchio was also there, and quite a sight to see,
 The ladies sat upon his face and shouted "Lie to me!"

 Cyrano de Bergerac diddled, with a poem,
 And ended his refrain with the words: "Thrust home!"

 (Insert name) was also there, and he was lookin' cute,
 He didna use his pecker, lads, he did 'em with his lute!

                      * more *
15
 Extra and XXX-rated verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)

 (Alternate CHORUS:) Singin' balls to your partner,
                     Arse against the wall!
                     If you can't get laid at Pennsic (Estrella)
                     Then you can't get laid at all!

 Good King (insert name) he was there, looking very regal;
 He wrapped his pecker in duct-tape to make it combat-legal!

 (insert name) she was there, lookin' woebegone,
 'Cause when you spread her legs, me boys, a little light comes on!

 (insert name) (s)he was there, havin' quite a ball!
 Shoutin' out "When I am (King/Queen), I'm gonna screw you all!"

 All the (insert name) they were there, scratchin' at their jocks,
 Doin' things like parakeets, and unsuspecting rocks!

 (insert name) was sitting there, filled up with remorse,
 He'd got a little drunk that night, and did his lady's horse!

 (insert name) was also there, with his brand-new bride,
 But when he opened up her legs, his pet canary died!

 (insert name) he was there, he canna see at all,
 so he satisfied his urgin's at a knothole in the wall!

 (insert name) he was there, his brain is in his cock,
 He dragged his lady off by the heels, and filled her up with rocks!

 (insert name) he was there, feelin' full of oats:
 He diddled his lady from Land's End all the way to John O'Groats!

 Elanor of Aquitane was dancin' round the room,
 She didn't like the Lily, so she took up with the Broom!

 Elanor of Aquitane was very, very nice....
 She didn't like French Culture, so she tried the English Vice!

 Everybody heard about the Ball of Ballyknure,
 With four-and-twenty Countesses, a-fuckin' on the floor!

 The King of (insert name), worked up a head of steam,
 And all the Duchesses in sight yelled out "God save the Queen!"

 Good old (insert name) he was there, takin' up the slack,
 Separatin' the men from boys with a chromium bumper jack!

 (insert name) was also there, and he is Very Pure;
 We think he has a pecker, lads, though no one's very sure!

 (insert name) was also there, and she was very shocked,
 When she heard a shepherd boy yell "Lady, go get flocked!"

 All the lads and lasses there were mated, ones-and-twos,
 Except for good old (insert name) who came inside his shoes!

                        * more *

16
 Extra and XXX-Rated verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)

 There was doin's in the hallway, doin's on the stairs,
 It was the biggest doin' there had been for years and years!

 There was doin's in the roses, in the grass and in the rocks,
 When (insert name) caught his -sporran- in some giant hollyhocks!

 It looked sae funny hangin' there, that everybody jeered,
 They'd never seen a hollyhock that ever wore a beard......!

 Guid old Jock McNorris took his partner by the arm,
 And grinned, and said "Another "do" won't do us any harm!"

 They were doin' it in the garden, they were doin' it all around,
 There were folks a-doin' on every inch of ground!

 (insert name) he was there, sittin' on his tush,
 He never made it to the point, just "beat around the bush...!"

 William of the Shire was there, he wasna' in the race,
 He wouldna' use his pecker, so he did 'em with his mace....!

 There were lassies with the syphllis, and lassies wi' the piles,
 And lassies wi' their hinder parts all wreathed up in smiles!

 The village magician he was there, doin' his vanishin' trick:
 He pulled his foreskin over his head, and vanished in his prick!

 There were doin's in the gravel, there were doin's in the stones
 You couldna' hear the music for the wheezin' and the groans!

 There was doin's on the sofa, there was doin's in the chair,
 And when they found the trampoline, there was doin's in the air!

 Soon all the Duchesses began to sing this song
 And it was twice as dirty, and fourteen times as long!

 The Sheriff of the Shire in the corner he did stand,
 Giving his Staff of Office a polishin' with his hand.

 The village blacksmith he was there, but he was not for hire:
 He was making giant rubbers out of a tractor tire!
 
 The village baker he was there, and looking pretty mean; 
 A-shouting that the girls were tarts, and pumping them full of cream!

 The village blacksmith he was there, his balls were made of brass,
 And every time he laid a girl the sparks flew out his ass!

 The village hooker she was there, a-lying on the floor,
 And every time she ope'd her legs, the suction closed the door! 

 Little Johnny he was there, but he was only eight;
 He couldn't go join in the fun, he had to masturbate! 

 The blacksmith's wife she was there, a-sitting by the fire,
 Performin' abortions by the hour with a piece of red hot wire!

                       * more *
17
 Extra and XXX-rated Verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)

 (Insert name), she was there, that wicked little slut!
 Performin' things unspeakable wi' a North Sea halibut!

 (Insert name) was also there, a-playin' fast and loose;
 Rompin' 'round the barley fields with Marvin de la Moose!
 
 (Insert name), she was there, a lady quite perverse;
 She'd worn out all the peckers so she went from bed to wurst!

 (Insert name), she was there, and she is past eighteen;
 She is a rapier fighter, so she diddled Florentine!

 (Insert name) he was there, all filled up with lust,
 He'd had so many lassies that his pecker just shot dust!

 The Musketeers were also there, and they were fast and quick,
 You should have seen their doin's with their muzzle-loading prick!
 
 (Insert name), he was there, but he had run amuck
 He diddled geese and chickens and a passing Mallard duck!

 (Insert name) he was there, with his sharp Chibouk,
 While nobody was watchin' him, he diddled him a Duke!

 (Insert name) he was there, and he is most discreet
 Underneath the bedsheets wi' his favorite parakeet....!
 
 A Corsair captain he was there, he shouted out "Ahoy!"
 We'd run clean out of lassies so he did his cabin-boy!

 Stick your hand beneath my kilt; I'm a gruesome troubador!
 And if you stick it there again, you'll see it grew some more!

 All the Peers were also there, and they refused to work,
 So they sat around in Circles, and they had a Circle-jerk!

 "What the hell's a 'sporran'?" the lassie loudly begged;
 She was answered: "It's the hairy thing between a Scotsman's legs!"

 (Insert Irish name) he was there, doin' dogs and such,
 You can always tell an Irishman, but y'canna tell him much!

 (Insert name) was also there, he is an awful churl
 He poked a hole into the ground, and diddled the whole world!

 (Insert name) was at the Ball, he's really quite bizarre,
 We locked him in the closet while he diddled his guitar!

 The village policeman he was there, the pride of all the force
 They found him in the stable, whacking off his horse!

 There were doin's in the parlor, there was doin's in the grass
 and all that you could see were waves of undulating ass!

 (Insert name) he was there, and he was long and high,
 But when he did her forty times, he was doin' mighty dry!

                     * more *
18
 Extra and XXX-Rated Verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (Cont.)

 (Insert name) he was there, his prick was long and broad
 But when he did the Duchess, well, she had to be re-bored!

 (Insert name) had an even stroke, his skill was much admired
 He diddled one cunt at a time until his skill expired....!

 The village builder he was there, he brought his bag of tricks
 He poured cement in all the cunts and blunted all the pricks!

 (Insert name) he was there, the leader of the choir,
 He hit the balls of all the boys to make their voices higher

 Another idiot, he was there, leanin' on the gate
 He couldn'a find a cunny, so he had to flatulate!

 The village doctor he was there, he had his bag of tricks
 And in between the dances he was sterilizing pricks!

 (Insert name) he was there, a-lookin' for a fuck
 But all the cunts were occupied, and he was out of luck!

 The Vicar and his lovely wife were havin' lots of fun:
 The Vicar had his finger up another lady's bum!

 There was fuckin' on the couches, and doin's in the punts
 And linin' up against the wall were rows of grinnin' cunts!

 (Insert name) he played a dirty trick, we canna let it pass
 He showed his lass his mighty prick, and shoved it up her ass!

 The village plumber he was there, he felt an awful fool;
 He'd come eleven leagues or more and forgot to bring his tool!

 The smithy's brother he was there, a mighty man is he;
 He lined them up against the wall, and shagged 'em three by three!

 There was doin's on the highway, there was doin's in the lanes,
 You couldn'a here the music for the rattlin' of the stanes!

 There was doin's on the couches, there was doin's on the cots,
 And linin' up against the wall were rows of drooling twats!

 (Insert name) he was there, drunk beyond a doot,
 He tried to stuff the Parson's wife, but couldna' get the root!

 (Insert name) he was there and he was in despair,
 He couldna' get his pecker thru the tangled pubic hair!

 (Insert name) did his doin's right upon the moor,
 It was, he thought, much better than doin' on the floor!

 (Insert name) he was there, his prick was all alert
 But when only half the night was done, t'was danglin' in the dirt!

 The doctor's daughter, she was there, she went to gather sticks
 She couldna' find a blade of grass for cunts and standing pricks!

                           * more *
19
 Extra and XXX-Rated Verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (Cont.)

 (Alternate CHORUS:) Singin' who did ye last, lass, 
                     Who's doin' ye noo,
                     The one tha' did ye last, lassie
                     Canna do ye noo.

 The village blacksmith he was there, roarin' like a lion,
 He'd cut his prick off at the forge, so he used a red-hot iron!

 The Mayor of the village, was doin' by the rule;
 Partin' all the pubic hairs and wadin' thru the drool!

 Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean,
 So she did the Fubba-Wubbas, while he diddled a Marine...!

 Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?
 With pussy fair, and pubic hair, and peckers in a row!

 There was doin's in the kitchen, there was doin's in the halls
 You couldna hear the music for the clangin' of the balls!

 The Parson's daughter, she was there, the cunning little runt,
 With poison ivy up her ass, and thistles up her cunt!

 (Insert name) was also there, this I must confess:
 Buggerin' at the Parson's cat; it's "pussy" none the less!

 (Insert name) he was there, a pervert all his life;
 He didna do the lassies...he only did his wife!

 I have a little pussy, her coat it is so warm,
 And if she douches regular, she won't do me no harm!

 Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water;
 They spent the day a-diddlin', doin' things they shouldn't oughter!

 Ivan the Terrible he was there, that filthy Russian cad,
 The Boyars called him "Terrible," the ladies said "Not bad!"

 (Insert Arabic name) he was there, in his white burnoose,
 He sat down at the table and he called for "Cunt au jus!"

 I'm a pain-in-the-ass, me boys, for singin' this awful song,
 But if I'm a pain-in-the-ass, me lass, I'm doin' you all wrong!

 The village economist, he was there, his slide rule in his hand,
 Figuring out exactly when supply would meet demand.

 Henry the Fifth, he was there, and this is what he said:
 "Once more out of your breeks, my friends, and give me English head!"

 Ghengis Khan he was there, and he was such a fright!
 "First you burn, and -then- you rape; 'tis best by firelight!"

 (insert name) he was there, and he is big and hairy;
 He spent the evening with a will, pluckin' virgin cherries!

                      * more *

20
 Extra and XXX-Rated Verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)

 (Alternate CHORUS:) Please do it this time
                     Please do it now!
                     And if you did it last time
                     You surely must know how!

 The Parson's wife was there that night, sittin' by the fire,
 Knittin' prophalactics with a rubber wire.

 (insert name) was at the Ball, lookin' pretty grumpy;
 His pecker isn't very long...the ladies call him "Stumpy!"

 (insert name) was at the Ball, for this he is renowned:
 His pecker is so very long, it drags along the ground!

 The KaKhan of the Horde was there, and he is very smelly;
 "First you rape, and THEN you burn; that's how to be rake-helly!"

 (insert name) (s)he was there, and lookin' pretty foul,
 Doin' seven horses, two chinchillas, and an owl!

 The King is the biggest prick you've ever seen;
 We may cry "God save the King," but, Lords, God save the Queen!

 My Lady went to London, my Lady went to France,
 My Lady goes to Fredrick's to buy her underpants!

 My Lady's very beautiful, and this is what she wears:
 Jewelry, and fancy gowns, but NEVER underwear!

 (insert name) she was there, lyin' in the grass,
 With "Property of (insert household name)" tatooed on her ass!

 (insert name) he was there; we did a double-take,
 When we saw him gettin' sexual with a shovel and a rake!

 The yurt was getting noisy, the yurt was getting loud;
 It was a Mongolian Cluster Fuck, and drawing quite a crowd!

 The Old Professor, he was there, sittin' on a shelf,
 Demonstratin' to all concerned how Man Makes Himself!

 Dracula was also there, dressed up in his cape,
 Explainin' to Van Helsing that "It vasn't really -rape-!"

 The Computer Nerd he was there, his life was mighty rough,
 Complainin' that the wet-ware wasn't wet enough!

 The Queen was in the counting house, counting out her wealth;
 The King was in the Countess, and the Count played with himself!

 The Parson's daughter, she was there, hotter than a match,
 We found her doin' pushups in the ol' cucumber patch!

 (insert name) he was there, horny as can be:
 We found him stuck in a knothole, tryin' t'do a tree!

                      * more *

21
 Extra and XXX-Rated Verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)

 (Alternate CHORUS:) Wi' a fa'll dae it this time
                     Fa'll dae it noo?
                     The yin that did it last time
                     Canna dae it noo!

 The town musician he was there, hummin' a merry tune,
 Because a lass was on her knees blowin' his bassoon!

 (name) and (name), they were there, actin' bold and brassy:
 He was doin' Rin-Tin-Tin, and she was doin' Lassie!

 (insert name) he was there, but he was indisposed,
 He did na' diddle the regular way: he did 'em wi' his nose!

 The village Doctor, he was there, at surgery he is grand,
 He took most of the evening to circumcise the band!

 There was doin's in the barley, there was doin's in the oats,
 Most were doin' lassies, but -some- were doin' goats!

 T'was on the twelfth of August, the party'd just began!
 I never will forget, m'lads, the gatherin' of the Clans!

 (insert name) she was there, lookin' like a sow,
 So they tied her up by the big barn door and did her like a cow!

 (insert name), he was there, enjoyin' all the smut,
 He'd found himself a three-hole punch, and he was goin' nuts!

 (insert name), she was there, she said "Alas! Alack!"
 For one lad took her from the front, the other from the back!

 Thirteenth lady in the room, fourteenth lady out,
 Fifteenth doin' the bedpost, with a joyful shout!

 Sixteenth fainted dead away, seventeenth was drunk,
 Eighteenth in the bathtub, bathin' in the spunk!

 (insert name), she was there, that wicked little tyke,
 She hangs out with the pirates 'cause she -loves- those marlinspikes!

 A Lord and Lady Herald were bein' circumspect:
 The one said it was "rampant" the other said "erect!"
 
 The cleanin' lady she was there, pickin' up the residue
 And when she had it all picked up, she put it in the stew!

 First they did it one-by-one, and then by he-and-she!
 And when the ball was over, they were at it fives-and-threes!

 The groom was in the bathroom, explainin' to the bride
 That the penis, not the scrotum, was the part you stuck inside!

 The village smithy he was there. feelin' rather coarse 
 They caught him in the back room, suckin' off a horse!

 (insert name) he was there. suckin' on a brew
 Starin' at a naked lass, and wonderin' what t'do!
22

 Extra and XXX-Rated Verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)

 (insert name) she was there, wanderin' far from home
 Three handsome lords to serve her there, and still she had t'roam!

 (insert name) he was there, wanderin' 'round the hall
 Askin' all the pretty maids, but gettin' none at all!

 (insert name) she was there, loaded down with swords
 Surrounded by bits of arms and legs of over-friendly lords!

 (insert name) he was there, pecker well in hand,
 Singing in the key of Off, but lookin' mighty grand!

 (insert name) he was there, but couldn't get it hard,
 So his lady satisfied herself with the burly bodyguard!

 The King of (insert name) he was there, and he could do no wrong
 'Cause the ladies know that rulers are all twelve inches long!

 (insert name) she was there, challengin' all the lords
 Wishin' one would take her up for other than shields and swords!

 (insert name) she was there, singin' a lament
 Gettin' help with the higher notes from the gentleman in her tent!

 A Certain Viking, he was there, the ladies for to do
 He had his horney helmet, so he did 'em two-by-two!

 A lady down from (insert name) was lookin' for a spoon
 But when she saw what I showed her, she fell down in a swoon!

 Well, I was feelin' Mary, but she left with Master Roy,
 So I went back to the parlor, and there I jumped for Joy!

 Ask (insert name) a question, she'll answer if she can,
 She'll tell you she does wonderous things, but not with any man!

 (insert name) he was there, doin' all he can,
 I have seen NINE ladies disappear into his van!

 (insert name) he was there, he'd been si' times before,
 He won this time because he'd laid (insert name) upon the floor!

 (insert name) he was there, boastin' to the crowd
 So we threw him in the cattle-pen, and thus was (insert name) cowed!

 (insert name) he was there, teachin' us all to sing,
 Tho he'd much prefer the ladies to play with his ding-a-ling!

 (insert name) he was there, from lands across the sea
 Eyein' all the ladies, for he needed more than three!

 The Heatherwynos staggered in with their Gods of Alcohol
 Keepin' themselves from fallin' down by holdin' up the wall!

 The Abbey brothers, they were there, teachin' us how to pray:
 A flagon full of good brown ale, and a woman, twice a day!

23
 Extra and XXX-Rated Verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)

 (insert name) she was there, and she was in demand
 Makin' prophylactics, and givin' 'em to the band!

 The village brewer, he was there, drinkin' bottles of beer
 And every now and then, for fun, he'd shove one up his rear!

 The village cobbler walked right in with his leather and his awl
 Makin' kinky garments for the wierdos at the ball!

 The priest of Pan he danced right in, as on his pipes he played
 And keepin' score upon his horns each time that he got laid!

 The Mother Superior, she was there, with the village squire
 Remainin' a virgin by jackin' him off, and shootin' it in the fire!

 The town's old master smith was there, his hammer in his hand
 The men they all were jealous, but the ladies thought him GRAND!

 The jester was dancin' naked, all but his bells and cap
 Nobody applauded...but they all gave him the Clap!

 Several lusty wenches gathered round the door
 And tripped the men as they came tru, but beat 'em to the floor!

 Santa Claus, he dropped right in, bouncin' thru the flue;
 Grabbin' all the lassies and doin' 'em two-by-two!

 The Easter Bunny, he was there, searchin' for some eggs
 He found one in a mess of hair between a lady's legs!

 The leprechaun he sauntered in, all of three feet high
 Just the size to stick his nose into some furry pie!

 (insert name) he was there, playin' on his lute
 Teachin' all the lassies how to play in his skin-flute!

 The village vet, he was there, lookin' to get laid
 Askin' round the ladies if they had been spayed!
 
 (insert name) he was there, rubbing ladie's backs
 But no matter how long or hard he tried they wouldn't jump in his sack

 Rialtans they were also there, with their keyboards and their screens
 Until somebody threw a willing wench into their damned machines

 Ioseph of Locksley he was there, furthering the Plot
 Thank God for penicillin, we don't know quite what he got

 (insert name) was also there, with his cooler full o' beer
 Just his luck, he tried to fuck a lass who turned out queer

 The King and his knights were there, with brass hat and white belts
 Doin' tricks with a wench or six in a pile of ferret pelts

 (insert name) he was also there, with his wolves upon a chain
 Panting and howling like he'd been caught in in a patch of wolfie-bane
                                                     

24
 Extra and XXX-Rated Verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)

 The local Herald, he was there, with his books so tall and thick
 Walking about in pompous haste, and stepping on his dick!

 Pet. de Cat., de cavalier, showed up in lace and leather
 The morning after, he woke on a rafter, his clothes were in the heather

 A tribe of Tuchux they were there, just dressed in bunny fur
 They all ran out when they heard a shout "You @#$%-&*# Cur!"

 Ardjjuk Afraid-of-his-Cats was there and he was fraught with fear
 At the very thought of getting caught by one of the pussies near

 Four and twenty virgins came out from the West
 It didna' take 'em long 'til they was doin' with the best!

 Clan Blue Feather, they were there, a bunch of folks so gay
 I didn't mind so long as they did not get in the way

 Good Sir <insert name> was there, white belt across his mid
 When the ladies saw him coming, they all ran off and hid

 <insert title> <insert name> was there, brass hat upon his head
 His ancient bones let out such groans we thought he'd wake the dead

 Good Sir <insert name> was there, with spurs upon his heels
 Showing the gals how to please their pals and suffocate trouser eels

 Master <insert name> was there, white baldric 'cross his chest
 Making no "pax" with Castle Anthrax and it's "peril" from Python's quest

 (insert name) he was there, playin' fast and loose
 Doin' an innocent gerbil, and wishin' it was a moose!

 (insert name) she was there, underneath a tree
 Entertainin' all the lads, and doin' 'em three by three!

 (note: This may not be ALL the verses, but it's doggone close!)

 LAST UPDATE: 05/23/91

 ***************************************************************

















25
                     *

              THE BANTAM COCK
              (Recorded: "Celtic Pride: In Strange Form")
                            
      He was a fine upstanding bantam-cock
      So brisk, and stiff, and spry...
      With a springy step, and a jaunty plume,
      And a purposeful look in his eye
      In his little black laughing eye!

      So I took him to the coop and introduced him to
      My seventeen wide-eyed hens
      And he tupped and he tupped as a hero tupps,
      And he bowed to them all, and then,
      He up and took 'em all again!

      Then upon the peace of my ducks and geese
      He boldly did intrude
      And with glazed eyes and opened mouths
      They bore him with fortitude...
      And a little bit of gratitude!

      He jumped my giggling guinea-fowl!
      He thrust his attentions upon
      Twenty hysterical turkeys,
      And a visiting migrant swan!
      And the bantam thundered on!

      He groped my fan-tail pigeon doves,
      My lily-white Columbine,
      And as I was lookin' at me budgerigar,
      He jumped my parrot from behind!
      And it was sittin' on me shoulder at the time!

      But all of a sudden, with a gasp and a gulp,
      He clapped his wings to his head!
      He lay flat on his back with his feet in the air;
      My bantam-cock was dead!
      And the vultures circled overhead!

      What a noble beast! What a champion cock!
      What a way to live and die!
      As I dug him a grave to protect his bones,
      From those hungry buzzards in the sky,
      The bantam opened up his eyes!

      He gave me a wink, and a terrible grin,
      The way that rapists do....
      He said, "Do you see them silly daft buggers up there?
      They'll be down in a minnit 'er two!
      They'll be down in a minnit 'er two!"


                     *





26
                        *
                                                              
             BARNACLE BILL THE SAILOR                             

    Who's that knocking at my door? (3X)
    Said the fair young maiden

 It's only me from over the sea, said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
 So open the door you fucking whore, said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
 I drink my whiskey when I can, 
 For whiskey is the life of man
 I drink it from an old tin can...said Barnacle Bill the Sailor

    I'll come down and let you in (3X)
    Said the fair young maiden

 So hurry before I bust in the door, said B.B. the S. 
 I just got laid and I want some more, said B.B. the S. 
 I'm newly come upon the shore, 
 And this is what I'm looking for
 A jade, a maid, or even a whore, said B.B. the S. 

    Will you take me to the dance? (3X)
    Said the fair young maiden.

 Screw the dance and drop your pants, said B.B. the S. 
 I'll fuck you when I have the chance, said B.B. the S.
 I'll fuck you once, I'll bugger you twice, 
 Then try a different kind of vice
 It may be fun, but it isn't nice, said B.B. the S.

    What if my parents should come home?   (3X)
    Said the fair young maiden.

 I'll kill your Pa and fuck your Ma, said B.B. the S. 
 And then I'll give a loud huzzah, said B.B. the S. 
 So get into bed or it's on the floor, 
 'Cause whattya think I came here for
 You're just another stinking whore, said B.B. the S. 

    Oh your whiskers scrape my cheeks   (3X)
    Said the fair young maiden.

 I'm dirty and lousy and full of fleas, said B.B. the S. 
 I'll stick my mast in whom I please, said B.B. the S. 
 My flowing whiskers give me class, 
 The sea horses ate them instead of grass
 If they hurt your cheeks, they'll tickle your ass!, said B.B. the S. 

    What if we should have a girl?   (3X)
    Said the fair young maiden.

 I'll dig a ditch and bury the bitch, said B.B. the S. 
 For I come here to scratch my itch, said B.B. the S. 
 I fuck 'em warm, I fuck 'em cold, 
 I fuck 'em young, I fuck 'em old,
 I don't care if they're shy or bold, said B.B. the S. 

                        (more)

27
Barnacle Bill The Sailor (cont.)

    What if we should have a boy?   (3X)
    Said the fair young maiden.

 I'll take him to sea, and he'll fuck like me, said B.B. the S.
 He'll wind up on the gallows-tree, said B.B. the S.
 So tuck your ankles behind your ears, 
 Shut up your mouth and dry your tears
 I'm a leering, jeering privateer, said B.B. the S.

    Oh when will we be wed?   (3X)
    Said the fair young maiden.

 You foolish girl, It's nothing but sport, said B.B. the S. 
 I've got me a wife in every port, said B.B. the S. 
 Off I go on another tack, 
 To give some other fair maid a whack
 But keep it oiled till I come back, said B.B. the S. 

                        *







































28
                        *

             THE BASTARD KING OF ENGLAND
             -attributed to Rudyard Kipling, but probably not!

 Oh the mistrels sing of an English King of many long years ago
 who ruled his Land with an iron hand tho his morals were weak and low
 his only outer garment was a dirty yellow shirt
 with which he served to hide his hide, but he couldn't hide the dirt

 He was dirty, and lousy, and full of fleas
 but a Royal Tool hung to his knees
 God bless the Bastard King of England!

 Now the Queen of Spain was an amorous Jane, a lascivious wench was she
 who heard about the prowess of this King from over the sea
 so she sent a Royal Message by a Royal Messenger
 to ask the King of England to spend the night with her

 He was dirty and lousy and full of fleas
 but he kept his women by twos and threes....
 God Bless the Bastard King of England!

 When Philip of France heard of this chance, he swore before his Court
 "The Queen prefers my rival just because mine's...somewhat short."
 So he sent the Count of Zippety-Zap
 to give to the Queen a Dose of Clap
 to pass it on to the Bastard King of England!
 
 When the King of England heard the news, he cursed the Gallic farce
 and he up and swore by the Royal Whore he'd have the Frenchman's arse
 So he offered half his Kingdom, and a piece of Queen Hortense
 To any Royal Subject who'd undo the King of France
 
 So the brave young Duke of Buckingham went instantly to France
 He swore he was a fruitier; the King took down his pants.
 So in front of the throng he slipped on a thong
 and jumped on his horse and he galloped along
 dragging the Frenchman back to Merrie England!

 When the King of England saw the sight he fainted dead on the floor,
 for during the ride his rival's hide had stretched...a yard...or more!
 and all the girls of England came down to London Town
 and shouted round the battlements "To hell with the British Crown!"
 
 So Philip of France usurped the Throne 
 his scepter was his Royal Bone
 with which he bitched the Bastard King of England!

                    *










29
                      *

                   B-I-M-B-O
                      -Anonymous (because nobody will
                       take the blame for it)

    1) There was a girl that went to Crown  
       And Bimbo was her name-o                
       B-I-M-B-O, B-I-M-B-O, B-I-M-B-O,        
       And Bimbo was her name-o!               

    2) There was a girl that went to Crown,  
       She had large tracts of land-o           
       (Gesture for big tits)-I-M-B-O etc.      
       And Bimbo was her name-o                 
                                                
    3) There was a girl that went to Crown      
       Her talents they were many-o             
       (gesture for a nice body)
       (Gesture for big tits)-M-B-O etc.
       And Bimbo was her name-o

    4) There was a girl that went to Crown
       And she made very merry-o
       (throw arms in air and yell "whee!")
       (gesture for a nice body)
       (Gesture for big tits)-B-O etc.
       And Bimbo was her name-o

    5) There was a girl that went to Crown
       And she was made the Queen-o
       (put Crown on head)                     
       (throw arms in air and yell "whee!")
       (gesture for a nice body)
       (Gesture for big tits)-O etc.
       And Bimbo was her name-o

    6) There was a girl that went to Crown
       And she got very pissy-o
       (point to various members of audience, and say:
       "You're banished, and you're banished, and....")
       (put Crown on head)                     
       (throw arms in air and yell "whee!")
       (gesture for a nice body)
       (Gesture for big tits)
       And Bimbo was her name-o

                      *

          CHRISTIANITY HITS THE SPOT 
      (Tune: "Pepsi Cola hits the spot")
 
         Christianity hits the spot 
         Twelve Apostles, that's a lot! 
         Holy Ghost and a Virgin too, 
         Christianity's the thing for you! 

                        *


30
                        *
    
        COEUR DE BOEF CHALLENGE SONG                                
                                                                     
  Oh, the Midrealm Chivalry get no tail,
  Oh, the Midrealm Chivalry get no tail,
       To alleviate the yen,
       They go out with Viking men,
  Oh, the Midrealm Chivalry get no tail.

  Oh, the Vikings have no women on their ships,
  Oh, the Vikings have no women on their ships,
       To keep all their parts in use,
       They resort to self abuse,
  Oh, the Vikings have no women on their ships.

  If the Masters of the Midrealm had their wish,
  Well, they would never go with women, they'd just fish.
       Well, they are not women haters,
       But they all are master baiters,
  And the masters of the midrealm smell like fish.

  Oh, the fighters of the Midrealm get no tail,
  Oh, the fighters of the Midrealm get no tail,
       After melee with the guys,
       They can hardly get a rise,
  Oh, the fighters of the Midrealm get no tail.

  Oh, the marshals of the Midrealm get no tail,
  Oh, the marshals of the Midrealm get no tail,
       Oh, it's not that they are cold,
       But they're always yelling "HOLD!",
  Oh, the marshals of the Midrealm get no tail.

  Oh, the artists of the Midrealm get no tail,
  Oh, the artists of the Midrealm get no tail,
       It's not that they're so grand,
       But their talents in their hands,
  Oh, the artists of the Midrealm get no tail.

  Oh, the heralds of the Midrealm get no tail,
  Oh, the heralds of the Midrealm get no tail,
       For when e're they need a laugh,
       All they do is raise their staff,
  Oh, the heralds of the Midrealm get no tail.

  Oh, the elves of the Midrealm get no tail,
  Oh, the elves of the Midrealm get no tail,
       When they do it in the trees,
       They mean knotholes if you please,
  Oh, the elves of the Midrealm get no tail.

  Well, the Mongols, but, of course, they get tail,
  Well, the Mongols, but, of course, they get tail,
       Oh, the Mongols, but, of course,
       Would rather get it from a horse,
  And the horses of the Mongols have no tails.


                        *
31

                        *

                     COLUMBO
                        -Anonymous

CHORUS: He swore the world was round-o
        America could be found-o
        That masturbatin', fornicatin'
        Son-of-a-bitch, Columbo!

 In fourteen hundred and ninety two
 A gob from old Italee
 Went wandering thru the streets of Spain
 A-pissing in the alley

 In fourteen hundred and ninety two        
 The expedition started                    
 Queen Isabel, she cried like hell         
 Columbus only farted                      

 Columbus paced upon the deck         
 He knew it was his duty              
 He laid his whang into his hand      
 and said "Ain't that a beauty!"      

 The sailor's on Columbus' ship
 Each had his private knothole
 But Columbo was a superman
 and used a padded porthole!

 The bo's'ns mate fell overboard
 The sharks did leap and frolic
 They gobbled him up in one big bite
 And shortly died of colic!

 For forty days and forty nights
 They sailed the broad Atlantic
 Columbo and his lousy crew
 For want of a piece were frantic!

 They spied a whore upon the shore
 And off came shirts and collars
 In twenty minutes by the clock
 She'd made ten thousand dollars! 

 With joyful shout they ran about      Columbo went back to the Queen
 And practiced fornication             Because it was his duty
 When they sailed, they left behind    He gave to her a dose of clap
 Ten times the population!             He had no other booty

 And when his men pulled out again      So they threw him in a stinking jail
 To take the homeward tour up           And left him there to grumble
 They'd caught the Pox from every box   A ball and chain tied to his balls
 That syphilized all Europe!            So ended poor Columbo!

                          *



32
                        *

               THE COUNTESS' GARTER
                         -Anonymous
            (Tune: "Cornell's Alma Mater")
     (& only sing it when you KNOW your listeners!)

 High above a Countess' garter, high above her knee
 Lies the key to her successes: her virginity!
 Once she had it, now she's lost it
 It is gone for good!
 She goes down for belted fighters
 Like a Countess should!
 Lift her skirts, Oh lift them gently,
 Lay her on the grass!
 Often are the times I've dreamed of
 A piece of Countess' ass!

                *

                 THE SPERM SONG
             (from Monty Python)

 There are Jews in the world, There are Buddhists. 
 There are Hindus and Mormons and then...
 There are those that follow Mohammed 
 But I've never been one of them...

 I'm a Roman Catholic, 
 And have been since before I was born.
 And the one thing they say about Catholics is, 
 They'll take you as soon as you're warm.

 You don't have to be a six-footer, 
 You don't have to have a great brain,
 You don't have to have any clothes on, 
 You're a Catholic the moment Dad came.

 Because...

 Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is great,
 If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate.

 Let the heathens spill theirs On the dusty ground,
 God shall make them pay for Each sperm that can't be found.

 Every sperm is wanted, Every sperm is good,
 Every sperm is needed, In your neighboorhood.

 Every sperm is useful, Every sperm is fine,
 God needs everybody's, Mine and mine and mine.

 Let the pagans spill theirs, On mountain here and then,
 God will strike them down for each sperm that's spilt in vain.

 Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is good,
 Every sperm is needed In your neighborhood.

                *

33
               *

         THE FARTING CONTEST
         (Tune: Sweet Betsy From Pike)

 I'll tell you a story that is sure to please
 Of a great farting contest at Sutton-on-Pease
 Where all the best arses paraded the field
 To compete in a contest for various shields.
           Some tighten their arses and fart up the scale
           To compete for a cup, or a barrel of ale,
           While others, whose arses are biggest and strongest,
           Compete in the section for loudest and longest.

 Now, this year's event had drawn quite a big crowd
 And the betting was even on Mrs. McDowd
 For it had appeared, in the evening edition,
 That this lady's arse was in perfect condition.
           Miss Bingle arrived amid roars of applause
           And promptly proceeded to pull off her drawers
           For, though she'd no chance in the farting display
           She'd the prettiest bottom you'd see in a day!

 Now, young Mrs. Porter was backed for a place
 though she'd often been placed in the deepest disgrace
 by dropping a fart on a Sunday in church
 And disturbing the sermon of Reverend McGurk!
           The ladies lined up, at the signal to start,
           And, winning the toss, Mrs. Jones to first fart;
           The people around stood in silence and wonder,
           While her wireless transmitted gale force and thunder!

 Now, Mrs. McDowd reckoned nothing of this
 For she'd had some weak tea, and was all wind and piss;
 So she took up her place, and her arse opened wide,
 But, unluckily, shit, and was disqualified!
           Then young Mrs. Porter was called to the front
           And started by doing a wonderful stunt:
           She took a deep breath, and, clenching her hands,
           She blew the damnned roof off the popular stands!

 This left young Miss Bingle, who shyly appeared,
 And smiled at the clergy, who lustily cheered!
 And though it was thought that her chances were small,
 She ran out a winner, out-farting them all!
           She went to the rostrum with dignified gait,
           And took from the Vicar a set of gold plate,
           Then she turned to the clergy, with sweetness sublime,
           And, smiling, said "Come up and see me sometime!"

 The clergy was shocked by Miss Bingle's remark,
 Though some felt a stirring 'neath vestment and sark,
 Perhaps t'was the wind - but who could have guessed?
 And that was the end of the farting contest!

                 *




34
                 *

          FIGHT FOR LIBERATION
                (Tune: "Tramp, Tramp, Tramp")

 In a dungeon cell I sit, covered o'er with Royal Shit,
 While our money turns the Kingdoms' filthy mill
 And the Directors as they pass, jam Corpora up our ass
 Well. I guess we've had our Goddam fuckin' fill!

 CHORUS: Fight, fight, fight for Liberation!
         Break, break, break the Social Scheme!
         Oh, we'll drag the bastards down,
         And we'll grind them in the ground,
         And replace 'em with a Working Class Regime!

 Oh we'll send a firing squad after Royalty's Tin God
 And the Heralds they will be the next in line
 Then we'll pump some LSD into Their Senilities
 And we'll make 'em fuck the peasants overtime!

 Oh, we'll take a fuckin' rope, and we'll hang the fuckin' Pope
 And we'll burn the Sistine Chapel to the ground!
 Then we'll turn our tommy-guns on the screaming ravished nuns
 And the People's Voice will be the only sound!

 So if you hate the Working Class, but you'd like to save your ass
 Then you better give your money to the poor!
 Or we'll sell your mother's twat to a sailor on your yacht
 And we'll turn your favourite daughter to a hoor!

                         *

          FOUR DRUNKEN MAIDENS

 There were three drunken maidens come from the Isle of Wight.
 They drunk from Monday morning, nonstop 'til Saturday night.
 When Saturday night came 'round me boys, they would not then go out.
 These three drunken maidens they pushed the jug about.

 Then up come handsome Sally, her cheeks as red as bloom.
 Move up me jolly sisters and give young Sally room
 For I'll be your equal before we then go out.
 These four drunken maidens they pushed the jug about.

 There's woodcock and pheasant, there's partridge and hare,
 There's all sorts of dainties, no scarcity was there.
 There's forty quarts of beer, me boys, they fairly drunk them out.
 These four drunken maidens they pushed the jug about.

 Then up come the landlord, he's asking for his pay.
 It's a forty pound bill, me boys, these girls have got to pay.
 That's ten pounds apiece, me boys, but still they wouldn't go out.
 These four drunken maidens they pushed the jug about.

 Oh, where are your feathered hats, your mantles rich and fine?
 They've all been swallowed up in tankards of good wine.
 And where are your maidenheads, you maidens brisk and gay?
 We left them in the alehouse, we drunk them clear away!
                       *
35
                 THE FRIGGIN' FALCON
                      -Theodore R. Cogswell
                (Tune: "Ghost Riders In the Sky")

 I was walkin' out one evening by the friggin' reservoir
 A-wishing that I had a quid to pay my friggin' score
 My head it was a-achin' and my throat was parched and dry
 So I up and sent a little prayer wingin' to the sky

 Then there came a friggin' falcon and He walked upon the waves
 And I said "A friggin' miracle!" and sang a couple staves
 Of a friggin' churchly ballad I learned at me mother's knee
 But when the friggin' bird took off he went and spattered me!

 I dropped upon my friggin' knees and bowed my friggin' head
 And said three friggin' Aves for all the friggin' dead
 And then I rose up to my feet and said another ten
 The friggin' bird burst into flame and spattered me again!

 The falcon blazed up in the sky just like a friggin' sun
 And seared my friggin' eyelids shut and when the job was done
 He whooshed across the friggin' sky just like a shooting star
 I went to see the friggin' priest; he bummed my last cigar!

 I told him of the burning bird, he told me of the Rose
 I showed him guano in my hair, the bastard held his nose!
 So I went to see the Bishop, but the friggin' Bishop said
 "Go home and sleep it off, you sod, and wash your friggin' head!"

 Then I came upon a friggin' wake for a lousy friggin' swine
 By the name of Jock O'Leary and I touched his head with mine
 He sat up in his friggin' box, and he shook his friggin' head
 His wife pulled out a .44, and filled him full of lead!

 Then I lost my friggin' temper and let out a friggin' yell
 "Blow one more hole in poor old Jock and I'll see you burn in Hell!"
 And once again I raised him up and brought him back to life
 Jock whimpered as his head came off...this time she used a knife!

 And then she flopped upon her knees and started in to pray
 "Please, Lord," she said, "It's thirty years I've waited for this day!"
 Still I went about the friggin' town to heal the friggin' lame
 But every time I raised them up, they got knocked down again!

 How the good Lord sends His blessings down in a friggin' curious way
 But when He's marked a man for Love, that Love is there to stay
 But the way you've got to use that Love is a friggin' queer affair
 There ain't no point to raisin' stiffs, and there ain't no point to prayer

 And this I know because I've got an ever-flowing sign
 For every time I wash my head, the water turns to wine!
 And I give it free to working blokes to brighten their poor lives
 So they don't kick no dogs around, or beat up on their wives

 For there ain't no point to miracles like walking on the sea
 They crucified the Son of God, but they don't muck with me!
 For I leave the friggin' blind alone and the dying and the dead
 But every day at four o'clock...I wash my friggin' head!

                           *
36
                          *

                  GOD REST YE UNITARIANS
                         (Author Unknown)

 God rest ye, Unitarians, let nothing you dismay!                 
 Remember that there is no proof there was a Chistmas Day               
 For Christmas really started as a pagan holiday.                        

CHORUS: Oh, glad tidings of reason and fact,
        Reason and fact.
        Glad tidings of reason and fact.

 We're too sophisticated to believe in tales so old.
 We know that human avarice means too much bought and sold
 We only celebrate because this season is so cold.

 No wise men traveled from the East, the journey's far too long.
 There were no shepherds in the fields, the time of year's all wrong.
 We don't believe in angels; that rules out the angels' song!   

                           *

                 GOD'S GREAT GIFTS
                (from Monty Python)

 All things dull and ugly, All creatures great and squat
 All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot.

 Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings
 He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.

 All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small
 All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.

 Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid
 Who made the spikey urchin, Who made the sharks? He did.

 All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small
 Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.

 Amen.

                        *
















37
                        *

                GOODBYE TO ALL THAT
                         -John Ball
                (Tune: "Farewell to the Rhondda")

CHORUS: Farewell you Kingdom officers, the politics and crap;
        Farewell you Hatted Valley Girls, we never will come back!
        The foreign wars are calling, at least the money's good!
        And you can take your Kingdom and do with it what you would!

 Our fathers built a Kingdom, from nothing in the desert
 I watched them work with heart and soul to build
 Something worthwhile, for the keeping, but now my heart is weeping
 And I can't stay and see their dreaming killed!

 Chivalry and honour, courtesie and kindness
 Are words that are forgotten and ignored
 For we must fight to win, and counting blows' a sin
 So I think I'll go and join the bloody Horde!

 The Belted Boys are arrogant; they think they run the Kingdom
 They've made the Dream into a bloody whore!
 For chivalry's forgotten, and the membership is droppin'
 And I'll not put up with it any more!


                        *
































38
                 THE GOOD SHIP VENUS
                          -Anonymous

It was on the good ship Venus        The Captain's name was Morgan
My God, you should have seen us!     By God, he was a gorgon!
The figurehead was a whore in bed,   Ten times each day sweet tunes he'd play
And the mast, an upright penis!      On his reproductive organ!

The Captain of this lugger       The Captain's wife was Mable
He was a dirty bugger!           To screw, she wasn't able
He wasn't fit to shovel shit     So the dirty shits, they nailed her tits
From one place to another!       Across the Captain's table!

The Mate's name it was Andy
By God, he had a dandy!
Till they crushed his cock with a jagged rock
For coming in the brandy!
                                      
The second mate was Hooper             Another daughter, Charlotte
By God, he was a trooper!              Born and bred a harlot
He jerked and jerked until he worked   At night her thighs were lily white
Himself into a stupor!                 By morning they were scarlet!

The cabin boy, the cabin boy,          The Captain's dog was Rover
The dirty little nipper;               We rolled that poor dog over
He filled his ass with broken glass,   Ten times each day all along the way
And circumcised the Skipper!           From Calais back to Dover!

The Captain's daughter, Mable,     The Boatswains Mate named Carter
Was ready, willing and able,       Was quite an able farter
To fornicate with the second mate  Played anything from "God Save the Queen"
Upon the chartroom table!          To Beethoven's " 'Moon' Sonata"

The Captain's daughter, Mary,        The Captain had a First Mate
Had never lost her cherry,           He loved him like a brother
The men grew bold, and offered gold: And every night in the pale moonlight
Now there's no Virgin Mary!          They buggered one another!

The Captain's other daughter         The passengers were whiney
Fell in the deep sea water           They'd drunk up all their winey
Delighted squeals revealed that eels From bed to bed they looked for head
Had found her sexual quarter!        But settled for some hiney.

Aboard the good ship Venus         The Captain had a one-eyed cat
We sailors all were henious:       He kept it in the cabin
It was our fate to masturbate      He rubbed its ass with axle grease
And that develops meanness!        And started in a-jabbin'!

The trip it was exciting
The pleasures were inviting
All day we blew - all night we'd screw
By artificial lighting!

One day the good ship foundered          And when we reached our station
On crags our bags were pound(er)ed       We found to our elation
We stubbed our cocks against the rocks,  The ship had sunk in a sea of spunk
And then, we all were drownd(er)ed!      From mutual masturbation!

                        *

39
                        *


           HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY LORD? 
     (Tune: "Five Foot Two, Eyes of Blue.")
 
           Five foot nine  
           He's divine  
           Born and raised in Palestine  
           Has anybody seen my Lord?  
             
           He can heal the sick  
           Raise the dead  
           Does neat things with fish and bread  
           Has anybody seen my Lord?  
             
           So if you run into a six foot Jew, 
            
               (does anyone have the rest of the words to this?) 

            Variant from Smokey Layton:

            Five foot nine
            From Palestine
            He can change your water to wine
            Has anybody seen my Lord?

            He is Boss
            He is Cool
            Watch Him walk across your pool
            Has anybody seen my Lord?

            He can brag
            He can boast
            His mother was a Virgin and his Father was a Ghost
            Has anybody seen my Lord?

                        *




                        *

                    I AM AN ANGLICAN
                Tune: "God Bless America"

        I am an Anglican, I am P.E. (Protestant Episcopal)
        I'm not High Church, nor Low Church,
        But I'm Protestant, and Catholic and free!
        Not a Presby, not a Luth'ran
        Not a Baptist, white with foam!
        I am an Anglican, Just one step from Rome!
        I am an Anglican, Just one step from Rome!

                        *




40
                        *

                   I'LL GO NO MORE A-ROVIN'
                                -Traditional (Elizabethan period)

CHORUS:  I'll go no more a'rovin' with you fair maid!
         A'rovin', a'rovin', since rovin's been my ru-i-n,
         I'll go no more a'rovin' with you fair maid!

               (v.1)                              (v.5)
In Plymouth town there lives a maid.   She said, "My Lord you are quite bold."
 Bless you young women.                 Bless you young women.
In Plymouth Town there lives a maid.   She said, "My Lord you are quite bold.
 Now mind what I do say                  Now mind what I do say.
In Plymouth town there lives a maid    She said, "My Lord you are quite bold."
 She is the mistress of her trade        Until she saw my purse of gold.
             Chorus:                                 Chorus:

              (v.2)                              (v.6)
I took this fair maid for a walk.       I took her hand into my own.
Bless you young women.                  Bless you young women.
I took this fair maid for a walk.       I took her hand into my own.
Now mind what I do say                  Now mind what I do say.
I took this fair maid for a walk        I took her hand into my own
And we had a lovin' "talk".             And we went to her own home.
            Chorus:                            Chorus:

            (v.3)                              (v.7)
I put my hand upon her knee             She dearly loved to scratch and bite.
Bless you young women                   Bless you young women.
I put my hand upon her knee             She dearly loved to scratch and bite
Now mind what I do say                  Now mind what I do say.
I put my hand upon her knee             She dearly loved to scratch and bite
She said, "My Lord you are quite free." She kept me up the whole damn night
            Chorus:                            Chorus:

            (v.4)                              (v.8)
I put my hand upon her thigh            Her methods were unorthodox
Bless you young women                   Bless you young women.
I put my hand upon her thigh            Her methods were unorthodox
Now mind what I do say                  Now mind what I do say.
I put my hand upon her thigh            Her methods were unorthodox
She said, "My Lord you are quite high." She gave to me the Spanish Pox
            Chorus:                            Chorus:

                                (v.9)
                  This strange disease she gave to me
                       Bless you young women.
                  This strange disease she gave to me
                       Now mind what I do say.
                  This strange disease she gave to me
                 I paid for it but you may have it free.
                               Chorus:

                        *





41
                        *

                  IN DAYS OF OLD
                         -Anonymous & Ioseph of Locksley
          (Tune: "The Girl I left Behind Me")

SCA: In days of old, when knights were bold,
     And rubbers weren't invented;
     They used old socks
     To cover up their jocks
     And babies were prevented!
             But now we're in the SCA
             And we always get our fill, sir!
             For the boys take matters firm in hand
             And the girls are on the Pill, sir!

     In days of old, when knights were bold,
     And women weren't particular
     They lined them up
     Against the wall
     And diddled 'em perpendicular!
             But now we're in the SCA
             And any old way is fine, sir!
             So choose your lass and go to town,
             As long as she's not mine, sir!

     In days of old, when knights were bold
     And paper not invented
     They wiped their ass
     With tufts of grass
     And, thereby, were contented!
             But now we're in the SCA
             And a public park's a gas, sir!
             For a toilet seat is very neat
             When you have to park your ass, sir!

MUNDANE:   Last night I slept in a hollow log
           With the girl I love beside me;
           Tonight I sleep in a feather bed
           And she's right there beside me

           She jumped in bed and covered up her head
           And said I couldn't find her
           But she knew damn well she lied like hell
           So I jumped in bed beside her!

                   I diddled her once, I diddled her twice,
                   I diddled her once too often.....
                   I broke a spring, or some damn thing
                   I diddled her to her coffin......

                   (shouted:) DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!


                        *





42
                        *

                  JENNY BE FAIR
                        -Buffy Sainte-Marie
              (copyright date unknown)
       (altered for male singer by Ioseph of Locksley)

  Oh, Jenny be fair and Jenny be fine and wants me for to wed.
  And I would marry Jenny but me father up and said,
  "I'm sad to tell you, son of mine, what your mother never knew,
  But Jenny is a child of mine, and so is kin to you."

  Oh, Mary be fair, and .....

  Oh, Coleen be fair, and  .....

  ( Change names as needed, repeat as many times as you want. )

  You never saw a lad so sad and sorry as I was,
  The girls in town are all my kin and me father is the cause.
  If life should thus continue I'm a batchelor for sure
  So I will go to Mother and complain of this to her.

  "Well, son of mine, I've taught you to forgive and to forget,
  And if your father sowed his oats, well, still you needn't fret.
  Your father may be father to all the girls, but still,
  He's not the one who fathered you, so marry who you will!"

                         *


                        *

           JESUS LOVES THE LITTLE POP CANS
                           -- Nate Bucklin
       (Tune: "Jesus Loves the Little Children")

           Jesus loves the little pop cans
           All the little pop cans of the world
           Coke or Pepsi, Tab or Sprite
           All are precious in his sight
           Jesus loves the little pop cans of the world!
 
                        *

                        *

                   JESUS SAVES
      (Tune: chorus of "Battle Hymn of the Republic")

        Jesus puts his money in the First National Bank
        Jesus puts his money in the First National Bank
        Jesus puts his money in the First National Bank
        Jesus saves, Jesus, saves, Jesus saves!
        (But Moses -invests!-) (to tune: "Good evening, friends!")

                        *



43
                        *

         THE JIMMY SWAGGERT SONG                       
                 -Author unknown
     (Tune: "Dick Darby The Cobbler") 
 
  Oh, me name is Jimmy Swaggert, I'm a preacher, 
  I used to save souls on TV 
  But they caught me carousing with floozies 
  And they've taken my program from me! 

  (CHORUS): With me ing twing of an ing thing of an eye do 
            W'i me ing twing of an ing thing of an eye day, 
            W'i me roo-boo-boo roo-boo-boo randy, 
            And me bankroll gets bigger each day! 

  Well, when I was a lad, ma would scold me 
  Sayin' "James, keep your hands off your crotch!" 
  Well to do so was "dirty" she told me, 
  But she never said I couldn't watch! 

  Well, they labeled Jim Bakker a pervert, 
  And they called me a lecher, it's true; 
  Even though I never did nothin' 
  I just asked for a room with a view.... 

  Well, my sorrows they soon will be over, 
  And I'll soon be a rich man again, 
  For I've just sold my story to Playboy, 
  And the movie rights to MGM! 

                        *




























44
                        *
                             
          THE KINGDOM THAT SWALLOWED A LIE
                     -Ardjukk Afraid-of-His-Cats

 There once was a Kingdom that swallowed a LIE
 I don't know why they swallowed a LIE......
 Perhaps they'll die!

 There once was a Kingdom that swallowed a RULE
 "The King's Word is Law" (We learn it in school!)
 They swallowed the RULE to hold up the LIE
 I don't know why they swallowed the LIE
 Perhaps they'll die!

 There once was a Kingdom that swallowed some BULL
 "The knights run the Kingdom, they have all the pull!"
 They swallowed the BULL to back up the RULE
 "The King's Word is Law!" (We learn it in school..)
 They swallowed the RULE to hold up the LIE
 And I don't know why they swallowed the LIE
 Perhaps they'll die!

 There once was a Kingdom got screwed by the CROWN
 Bent over, and down, they got screwed by the CROWN
 They got screwed by the CROWN 'cause they swallowed the BULL
 (etc as above)
 I don't know why they swallowed the LIE......
 Perhaps they'll die!

 There once was a Kingdom that wrote to the BOARD
 They wrote to the BOARD in great disaccord
 They wrote to the BOARD they'd been screwed by the CROWN
 Bent over and down, they were screwed by the CROWN
 (etc as above)
 And I don't know why they swallowed the LIE......
 Perhaps they'll die!

 There once was a Kingdom that took up the SWORD
 'Cause they didn't get shit when they wrote to the BOARD
 They took up the SWORD when they wrote to the BOARD
 They wrote to the BOARD in great disaccord
 (etc as above)
 I don't know why they swallowed the LIE......
 Perhaps they'll die!

 There once was a Kingdom that threw up the LIE
 Right in their eye, they threw up the LIE
 They threw up the LIE and they changed all the RULES
 Opened Crown Tourney to all but the fools,
 They opened Crown Tourney to sweep up the BULL
 And let in the People, a real Miracle!
 They swept up the BULL and laughed at the BOARD
 And every man-jack of 'em joined the Dark Horde!
 And so they lived happy, and wealthy and wise
 And if this is treason, then it's all a LIE
 Can YOU see why?

                          *

45
                           *

                LONDON DERRIERE
                        -Ioseph of Locksley
                (Tune: "Londonderry Aire" aka "Danny Boy")
                (c) copyright 1990 W.J.Bethancourt III

 I watch you walk upon the streets of London
 Your mini-skirt stretched tight, and looking sweet
 I watch you walk, and walk into a lampost
 I didn't see, upon the London street.
         So turn your back, and wiggle softly from me!
         With mini-skirt, (perhaps, no underwear!)
         Your legs are great! But, by the Gods above me!
         I watch your wondrous London derriere!

 The Paris girls are wonders full of beauty,
 And California grows the Long-stemmed L.A. rose,
 Berlin nights are full of life, and lovely,
 But London girls don't wear no panty-hose!
         So turn your back, and wiggle softly from me!
         And let me watch, and dream a dream so rare:
         In my hotel, you naked there above me
         Sit on my face with your London derriere!

                         *


































46




                        *

                THE MERMAID
                    -Shel Silverstein

 When I was a lad in a fishing town, 
 an old man said to me
 You can spend your life, your jolly life, 
 a-sailing on the sea
 You can search the world for pretty girls 
 'til your eyes grow weak and dim
 But don't go swimmin' with a mermaid, son, 
 if you don't know how to swim!
         'Cause her hair is green as sea-weed
         Her lips are blue and pale
         I'll tell you now before you start
         You can love that girl with all your heart
         But you'll only love the upper part;
         You will -not- like the tail!

 I signed on to a whalin' ship, 
 and my very first day at sea
 I spied a mermaid in the waves, 
 a-reachin' out to me
 Come live with me in the sea, said she, 
 and down on the ocean's floor
 I'll show you a million wond'rous sights 
 you've never seen before!

 So I jumped on in and she pulled me down, 
 down to her sea-weed bed
 A pillow she made of tortoise shells, 
 and placed beneath my head
 She fed me shrimp and caviar 
 from a silvery dish
 She was just my taste (down to her waist) 
 but the rest of her was fish!
         Her hair was green as seaweed
         Her lips were blue and pale
         Her face it was a work of art
         But I only gave her half my heart
         'Cause tho I loved the upper part;
         I did -not- like the tail!

 And then one day when I looked up
 I saw a sailin' ship
 And I met the stare of a millionaire
 Out on a fishing trip
 A diamond ring he tied on a string 
 And lowered it down to her
 And my love divine, she went for the line
 And went for the usual lure!

                (more)


47
The Mermaid (cont.)

 So I sighed in the rolling tide, 
 and I cried to the clams and the whales
 How I missed her hair and her seagreen eyes; 
 I missed the shine of her scales
 Just then her sister swam on by, 
 and set my heart a-whirl....
 For her upper part was an ugly old fish.....
 but the -bottom- half was GIRL!
         Her toes are round and rosey!
         Her legs are slim and pale!
         Her face might not be a work of art
         But I love that girl with all my heart
         And I don't give a damn about the upper part
         That's how I end my tale! ('cause now I'm getting tail!)

                    *











                        *

                   MOLLY MALONE
                         -Ioseph of Locksley

 In Dublin's fair city, where the girls have no titties
 T'was there that I first met sweet Molly Malone
 You could have her for a penny, and be one of many,
 But for sixpence she would act alive, alive-o!

         Alive, alive-o! Alive alive-o!
         But for sixpence she would act alive, alive-o!

 She was a street walker, and sure t'was no wonder
 For so were her mother and grandmother too,
 With a mattress on the barrow, thru streets broad and narrow,
 And for sixpence they would act alive, alive-o!

         Alive, alive-o! Alive alive-o!
         And for sixpence they would act alive, alive-o!

 She died of a fever, and no one could save her;
 It was caught from a folkie from Ontario,
 Now her ghost wheels the barrow thru streets broad and narrow
 But a ghost can't be had that's alive, alive-o!

         Alive, alive-o! Alive alive-o!
         But a ghost can't be had that's alive, alive-o!

                 *

48
                        *

                THE MODEST WENCH 
                         -David of Bagulay 

 A comely young wench from the south        
 Went travelling far and free   
 She said "I'm searching for love as true as the dove!"
 And she came to the north country

 CHORUS: Saying "I beg your pardon, Sir!
         I am but a modest wench....
         A lovely lively lusty busty rather outrageous wench  
         But a modest one, nevertheless!"

 She met with two grinning dwarves
 Said one to the other: "What bliss!
 You stand on her shoulder; together we'll hold her
 And give her a rousing kiss!"

 She met with a leering banker
 Who said "Banking has various facets...
 I could invest all your money till the ledgers looked funny,
 But I'd rather hold onto your assets!"

 She met with a hungry giant
 Who roared in stentorian tones
 "To pepper I'd falter; I'd rather assault her
 before I devour her bones!"

 She met with a country lout
 who said,"Massage me here on this hummock.
 Like my girlfriend who felt she should stop at the belt
 And never got up to my stomach..."

 She met with a charming minstrel
 "At last sir can you show me true love?"
 He chortled with glee as he patted her knee     
 He rubbed his hands as he fired up his glands     
 He looked very droll as he turned into a troll
 And sneered "Certainly! From below or above!"

           "I beg your pardon, sir!
           I -was- but a modest wench...
           A lovely lively lusty busty rather outrageous wench
           But a modest one....never the more!"

                  *












49
                  THE MOOSE SONG
                       -Thomas Payton, et. al.
                  (tune: "Betsy From Pike")
 
 When I was a young girl (man) I used to like boys (girls),
 I fondled their tights (bodies) and played with their toys (curls),
 But me boy (girl) friend ran off with a salesman named Bruce,
 You'd never get treatment like that from a Moose!

 CHORUS: So it's Moose, Moose, I like a Moose,
         I've never had anything quite like a Moose,
         I've had many lovers, my life has been loose,
         But I've never had anything quite like a Moose!

 Now when I'm in need of a very good lay,
 I go to me stables and gets me some hay,
 I opens me window and spreads it around,
 'Cause Moose always comes when there's hay on the ground!

 Now I've made it with all kinds of beasties with hair,
 I'd make it with snakes if their fangs were not there,
 I've made it with walrus, two ducks and a goose,
 But I've never had anything quite like a Moose!
                                                      
 Now gorillas are fine for a Saturday night,
 And lions and tigers, they puts up a fight,
 But it just ain't the same when you slams your caboose
 As the feeling you gets when you humps with a Moose!

 I've tried many beasties on land or on sea
 I've even tried hump-backs that humped back on me!
 Sharks are quite good, tho they're hard to pull loose
 But on dry land there is nothing quite like a moose!

 Woodchucks are all right except that they bite
 And foxes and rabbits won't last thru the night!
 Cows would be fun, but they're hard to seduce
 But you never need worry should you find a moose!

 Step in my study, and trophies you'll find
 A black striped tiger and scruffy maned lion
 You'll know the elephant by his ivory tooth
 And the one that's a-winking, you know is the moose!

 The lion succumbed to a thirty-ought-six
 Machine guns and tigers I've proved do not mix
 The elephant fell by a bomb with a fuse
 But I won't tell a soul how I did in the moose!

 I've found many women attracted to me
 A few of them have had me over for tea
 Some say that they love me when they're feeling loose
 But I'd trade the world's women for one lovely moose!

 The good Lord made Adam, and then He made Eve
 Said He: "If you sin now, I'll ask you to leave!"
 They left not because of Eve's forbidden fruit
 But 'cause Adam decided the moose there were cute!

                    (more!)
50
The Moose Song (Cont.)

 The English are said to like boars who've had corn
 The Celtics just dream of the young Unicorn
 The Germans, it's said, just need leather and rope
 But give me a moose and I'll no longer mope!

 Now I've broken the laws in this god-awful state
 They've put me in prison and locked up the gate
 They say that tomorrow I'll swing from a noose
 But my last night I'll spend with a good sexy moose!

 Next morning the Governor's word reached my ears
 "We've commuted your sentence to ninety-nine years!"
 "You won't get parole; not a five minute's truce,
 And your friend goes to Sing-Sing, he's so big-a-moose!"

(slowly) Now that I'm old and advanced in me years,
    I'll look back on me life, and I'll shed me no tears,
    As I sit in me chair with me glass of Mateuse,
    And play hide the salami with Marvin (Millie) the Moose!


                   *


           
                   *

             OLD DRUBBED DING
                   -Anonymous
           (Tune: "Old Used Queen")

 Once I was a swyver of the finest kind, a ruler of the bed
 But now I spend my days as an old used thing and I find I'm rubbed too red!
 With a hey-ho derry up and down I sing,
 never any fun for an old drubbed ding!

 My owner spends his time in solemn prayer, and dreams of naked flesh
 I spend MY time in clothbound walls getting slapped when we`re too fresh
 With a hey-ho derry up and down I sing,
 never some relief for an old drubbed ding!

 The other men they sit and talk of baring, thrust and fling
 But when I come out the wenches flee, and won't give me a thing
 With a hey-ho derry up and down I sing,
 never any girls for an old drubbed ding!

 The other ones can rise and dive and frolic near the ass
 I'm the Model of Priapus, I'm hard as hell, but must not make a pass!
 With a hey-ho derry up and down I sing
 never any fun for an old drubbed ding!

 But someday soon there'll be a change, in Martin Luther's "rise,"
 And the Reformation's opening "shot" will land between his eyes!
 With a Hey-ho derry up and down WE'LL sing,
 Then there will be FUN for an old drubbed ding!
 

                       *
51
                       *

                 ONE-BALL RILEY
                   -Traditional Irish

    As I was sittin by the fire 
    talking to O'Riley's daughter
    suddenly a thought came into my head: 
    I'd like to shag O'Riley's daughter

(Chorus):  Giddy aye ay, giddy aye ay, 
           giddy aye ay for the one-ball Riley
           Giddy aye ay:  (three claps or stomps) 
           try it on yer own big drum!

    Her hair was black and her eyes were blue
    The Colonel and the Major and the Captain sought her
    The Sergeant and the Private and the Drummer boy too
    All of 'em shagged O'Riley's daughter!

    Riley played on the big bass drum; 
    Riley had a mind for murder and slaughter
    Riley had a bright red glitterin eye 
    and he kept that eye on his lovely daughter

    While walking thru the park one day
    Who should I spy but Riley's daughter?
    Never a word I had to say
    But "Don't you think we really oughter?"

    Got me a bottle and a condom too, 
    got me hands on Riley's daughter
    settled me down for a good old time 
    doin' things we shouldn't oughter

    Up the stairs and into bed
    I shagged and shagged until I stove her
    Never a word that maiden said
    just laughed like hell till the fun was over!

    Suddenly a footstep on the stair 
    who should it be but Riley out for slaughter
    with two pistols in his hands 
    lookin for the man that shagged his daughter

    Grabbed Old Riley by the ball, 
    rammed his head in a pail of water
    shoved them pistols up his ass 
    a damn sight quicker than I shagged his daughter!

    As I go walkin' down the street
    People shout from every corner
    There's the randy sonofabitch
    That finally shagged Old Riley's daughter!

    Now all you lasses, all you maids
    Answer me now, and don't speak shyly
    Would you have it straight and true
    Or the way I gave it to One-Ball Riley?
            *
52
                   *

       OUR BABY DIED LAST NIGHT

       Our Baby died last night
       It lived for 48 hours
       And it cost a hundred dollars
       It was a lousy baby, anyway.

       His head it turned to mush;
       It skwushed between my fingers;
       The memory still lingers;
       It was a lousy baby, anyway.

       Although he tried to bite us
       He died for just to spite us
       Of spinal meningitus
       It was a lousy baby, anyway...

       (spoken:) So we ate it.....cold.


                     *




































                      *
53














                      *

                   THE POPE

     There's a man who lives over the ocean
     And who has got a great notion
     That he is the World's Greatest Hope
     He's Giovanni Montini, the Pope

     CHORUS: Giovanni Batista Montini
             He lives in the Vatican-nini
             He's Italian; he doesn't use soap
             He's Giovanni Montini, the Pope!

     When Atheists try to distract him
     He doesn't let it upset him,
     He just makes the High Sign on his chest,
     Lets his Boss Man take care of the rest!

     No cherub could ever sub-pee-ni
     Giovanni Batista Montini
     For how can you possibly quibble
     With a man who is infalli-bibble?

     CHORUS: Giovanni Batista Montini
             He lives in the Vatican-nini
             And he don't even have to smoke dope
             'Cause he's Giovanni Montini
             You know who I mean-i
             The one with the beanie!
             Giovanni Montini, the Pope!

                             *













54
                        *

                   PLASTIC JESUS

  I don't care if it rains or freezes, long as I got my plastic Jesus
  Riding on the dashboard of my car
  Thru my trials and tribulations, and my travels thru the nations
  With my plastic Jesus I'll go far!
  Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus, riding on the dashboard of my car
  Thru my trials and tribulations, and my travels thru the nations
  With my plastic Jesus I'll go far!

  I don't care if its dark or scary, long as I have Magnetic Mary
  Ridin' on the dashboard of my car
  I feel I'm protected, amply, got the whole damn Holy Family
  Ridin' on the dashboard of my car
  Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
  Ridin' on the dashboard of my car
  But I think he'll have to go, his magnet ruins my radio
  And if I have a wreck he'll leave a scar!

  Riding down a thoroughfare, with His Nose up in the air
  A wreck may be ahead, but He don't mind
  Trouble coming He don't see, he just keeps an eye on me
  And any other thing that lies behind
  Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
  Ridin' on the dashboard of my car
  Tho the sunshine on His Back makes Him peel and chip and crack
  A little patching keeps Him up to par!

  When pedestrians try to cross, I just let' em know who's boss
  I never blow the horn or give them warning
  I ride all over town, a-tryin' to run 'em down!
  And its seldom that they live to see the morning
  Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
  Ridin' on the dashboard of my car
  His Halo fits just right, and I use It for a sight!
  And they scatter, or they'll splatter near and far!

  When I'm in a traffic jam, he don't care if I say "Damn!"
  I can let all sorts of curses roll
  Plastic Jesus doesn't hear, for He has a plastic Ear
  The man who invented plastic saved my soul!
  Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
  Ridin' on the dashboard of my car
  Once His Robe was snowy-white, now it isn't quite so bright
  Stained by the smoke from my cigar

  If I weave around at night, and the police think I'm tight
  They'll never find my bottle, tho they ask
  Plastic Jesus shelters me, for His Head comes off, you see:
  He's hollow, and I use Him for a flask!
  Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
  Ridin' on the dashboard of my car
  Ride with me and have a dram of the Blood of the Lamb
  Plastic Jesus is a Holy bar!

                          *


55













                        *

         PUFF THE JEWISH DRAGON
                     -Anonymous
     (Tune: "Puff the Magic Dragon")

 Puff the Jewish dragon, lived in Palestine,
 And frolicked in the synagogue and drank Manischewitz wine.
 Little Rabbi Goldberg loved that dragon Puff,
 And fed him lox and matzoh balls and other kosher stuff.

 Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork,
 Little Rabbi Goldberg took that dragon for a walk.
 Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat
 That comes from little piggies that have dirty filthy feet.

 Then Puff became Bar Mitzvah, put on tefillin every day,
 Wrapped up in his tallis that's the way that he would pray;
 Made brachos before eating, benched after every meal -
 Imagine how religious it made that dragon feel.

 Now there were some people who did things just for spite.
 They'd curse Jews and attack them just to get into a fight.
 When Puff the dragon saw this, he roared a mighty roar -
 Now those wicked people are not with us anymore.

 Now Puff the Jewish dragon found himself a bride,
 Now little kosher dragons are his source of joy and pride.
 They'll grow up doing mitzvahs, learning Torah, praying too,
 With Rabbi Goldberg teaching them what kosher dragons do.

 You who may be listening may think we're making fun,
 But deep down in this story is a moral for everyone.
 If dragons can wear a kippah, keep Shabbos and Kosher too,
 Then you can learn, like Puff did, to be a real good Jew.

                        *










56
                        *

               PUFF, THE TRAGIC FAGGOT
                            -Anonymous
            (Tune: "Puff, The Magic Dragon")

 Puff, the tragic faggot, went on a spree
 And terrorized the people at the Nudist Colony!
 Little Jackie Paper, loved that rascal, Puff,
 But wished he wouldn't use so much of that "greasy kid stuff!"

CHORUS: Puff, the tragic faggot, went on a spree
        And terrorized the people at the Nudist Colony! (2X)

 Together they would travel, like a boat with billowed sail
 Jackie kept his fingers pressed 'neath Puff's romantic tail
 Noble Kings and Princes bowed low whene're they came
 Pirates lowered EVERYTHING when Puff roared out his name!

 A faggot lives for AGES, but not so little boys;
 Ding-a-lings and Faery Rings make way for other toys.
 One grey night it happened, Jackie Paper came no more
 And Puff, the tragic faggot, he ceased his fearless roar.

 His head was bent in sorrow, green tears fell like rain
 Puff no longer went to play along the "Cherry" Lane
 Without his lifelong friend, Puff could not be brave
 So Puff the tragic faggot sadly crept into his cave.

                        *

                        *

               RAMBLIN' HUNCHBACK, or:
               THE BALLAD OF RICHARD III
               (Tune: "Rye Whiskey")

 I am a ramblin' hunchback, I ramble around
 I ramble thru your cities, I ramble thru your towns.
 I went into a tavern to get me some lunch
 Where all the macho stick-jocks made fun of my hunch

 Well I said sticks and stones may injure my bones,
 But names will never hurt me, so leave me alone!
 I was scratchin' my back, and when I looked up,
 A blonde, hare-lipped waitress poured coffee in my cup!

 It was love at first sight, as my brew I did sip,
 She patted my hump, as I caressed her lip!
 Lord, I left with that waitress, because, as you see,
 The womens all love my deformity!

 (Repeat first verse)

                         *





57
                        *

                   THE RED FLAG
      (Tune: "O Tannenbaum," "Maryland," &c.)

 While walking 'cross the rocks so bare
 I saw a maiden lying there
 And as she lay in sweet repose
 A breath of wind blew up her clothes
         A mongol who was passing by
         Lifted his hat and winked his eye
 And then he saw, to his despair,
 She had the Red Flag waving there!

 The mongol would not be denied
 He said "By God, I'll slip inside!"
 He stripped down to his underwear,
 And soon his ass was shining bare
         The maiden she was not disturbed
         Nor in the slightest bit perterbed
 For, come what may, full well she knew,
 The brave Red Flag would see her thru!

 The mongol he was shivering
 His mighty prick was quivering.
 But soon he knew he'd met his match,
 He could not penetrate her snatch!
         Try as he might, his path was blocked,
         All he could do was fire half-cocked;
 To quit the fray he did prepare,
 And leave the goddam Red Flag there!

 The moral of this tale is plain,
 But pardon me if I explain;
 In love, or war - it matters not,
 You never, ever waste a shot!
         The mongol's judgement was at fault
         To penetrate the maiden's vault
 With Red Flag flying, let it pass:
 Just shove it up the maiden's ass!

         OPTIONAL CHORUS:

                 The peasant class can kiss my ass!
                 I've got my Peerage, now, at last!
                 Don't bother me, I cannot work,
                 I'm in a Peerage Circle Jerk!

                        *











58
                  *

            THE RIDDLE

  My pretty maid I fain would know
  What thing it is will breed delight
  That strives to stand, yet cannot go
  That feeds the mouth that cannot bite?

  Refrain:  (repeat after each verse)
    With a humble dum grumble dum
    humble dum, grumble dum
    humble dum, grumble dum, hey!

  It is a pretty pricking thing
  A pleasing and a standing thing
  It was the truncheon Mars did use
  A bedward bit which maidens choose

  It is a shaft of Cupid's cut
  'Twill serve to rove, to prick, to butt
  There's never a maid, but by her will,
  Will keep it in her quiver still

  It is a friar with a bald head
  A staff to beat a cuckold dead
  It is a gun which shoots point blank
  And hits betwixt a woman's flank

  It has a head much like a mole's
  And yet it loves to creep in holes
  The fairest she that e'er took life
  For love of this became a wife!


                 *
























59
                        *

              ROLL YOUR LEG OVER

  If all the young ladies were little white rabbits
  I'd be a hare and I'd teach 'em bad habits
           
  CHORUS: Roll your leg over, roll your leg over    
          Roll your leg over and do it again!
          
  If all the young ladies were bricks in a pile
  I'd be a mason and lay them in style

  If all the young laddies were cocks in the hay
  I'd be a hen and I'd have a good lay

  If all the young ladies were bats in a steeple
  And I were a bat there'd be more bats than people

  If all the young ladies were bells in a tower
  And I were a clapper I'd bang every hour

  If all the young laddies were fine silks and laces
  And I were an iron I'd sit on their faces

  If all the young ladies were doors of stout wood
  And I were a knocker I'd bang 'em up good

  If all the young ladies were stones in a mill
  And I were some grain, between them I'd spill

  If all the young laddies were coconuts sweet
  I'd suck out their juices and chew on their meat

  If all the young ladies were winds of the sea
  I'd be a sail and I'd let them blow me

  If all the young ladies were birds in their nests
  I'd be an egg and lie under their breasts

  If all the young laddies were merry go rounds
  I'd mount up and we'd go up and down

  If all the young ladies were locks on a gate
  I'd be a key and insert and rotate

  If all the young ladies were pure as they say
  All the young men would be happy.....and gay!

  If all the young ladies were big wooden stairs
  They'd go up mine and I'd go down theirs

  If all the young ladies were bottles of brew
  I'd pop their tops with my built in corkscrew

  If all the young laddies were bottles of beer
  I'd give good head and they'd be of good cheer

                (more)

60
Roll Your Leg Over (cont.)

  If all the young ladies were sweet fruits and berries
  I'd munch on melons and nibble on cherries

  If all the young girls were like fish in a pool
  I'd be a shark with a waterproof tool

  If all the young girls were like fish in the brookie
  I'd be a trout and get me some nookie

  If all the young girls were like cows in the pasture
  I'd be a bull and fill them with rapture

  If all the young girls were like mares in the stable
  I'd be a stallion and show them I'm able

  I wish all the girls were like statues of Venus
  And I were equipped with a petrified penis

  If all the young ladies were little red foxes
  And I were a hunter I'd shoot up their boxes

  If all the young girls were like trees in the forest
  And I were a woodsman, I'd split their clitoris

  If all the young girls were like telephone poles
  I'd be a squirrel and stuff nuts in their holes

  If all the young girls were like diamonds and rubies
  I'd be a jeweler and polish their boobies

  If all the young girls were like coals in the stoker
  I'd be a fireman and shove in my poker

  If all the young ladies belonged to the Horde
  I'd be a yakherd and -never- be bored!

  If all the young ladies were singing this song
  It would be twice as bawdy, and six times as long!

                        *

















                        *
61
                        *

                THE SCA BE DAMNED!
           (Tune: "The Engineer's Song")

CHORUS: We are, we are, we are, we are, the goddam SCA
        And when we find a willing fuck, then we go out to play!
        If you don't like the songs I sing, then you can go get crammed 
        So sing out with the rest of us, "The SCA be damned!"

 Oh, listen all you maidens, oh, listen close to me
 Don't ever trust a Hordesman an inch above your knee
 He'll take you to the bushes and fill you full of fizz
 And before the night is over, your maidenhood is his!

 If I had a little girl I'd dress her all in white
 To give the clap to Caid's belts and keep 'em up all night
 But if I had a little boy, I'd dress him up in blue
 To yell "The King's a bastard!" like his daddy used to do!

 If we find an Ansteorran man within our sacred walls
 We'll give him to the Tuchux, who'll amputate his balls
 And if that doesn't fix him up, I'll tell you what we'll do
 We'll stuff his ass with broken glass and seal it up with glue!

 Oh here's to the King of (insert Kingdom name) the dirty son of a bitch
 We hope he dies of syphilis combined with seven year itch
 If you take his pecker's radius and project his balls in space
 You can prove by Occam's Razor that his asshole is his face!

 I was at the Pennsic War a-walkin' on the green
 Lookin' for some pussy, and there I found the Queen
 Her feet were wavin' in the air, her back was on the grass
 With a polished rattan dildo shoved right up her ass!

 The West is run by pussy, and the East by hairy crack
 The Middle's run by alcohol, and the Horde is run by yak!
 From what I hear of Atenveldt, they run it off by hand
 And a masturbating son of a bitch is the Asshole of the land!

 Ansteorra runs on bullshit, Artemesia runs on quim
 Trimaris is run by fairies, that bugger Atlantia's rim!
 But Caid's the worst of all, their peckers gather rust
 They run the Kingdom off by hand with lots of fairy dust!

 If I had a prick of steel, and balls of shiny brass
 I'd find a marble statue, and ram it up her ass
 Just to breed a race of giants, to roam throughout the land
 To swell the mighty chorus of "The SCA be dammned!"

                        *









62
                *

         THE SEA CRABB                                               
  (c. 1620) Found in "Bawdy Verse, A Pleasant Collection"   

  It was a man of Africa had a fair wife,
  Fairest that ever I saw the days of my life.
    With a ging, Boys, ging, ging, boys, ging.
    Tarradiddle, farradiddle, ging, boys, ging!

  This goodwife was big-belly'd and with a lad
  And ever she longed for a sea crabb.
    With a ging, Boys, ging, ging, boys, ging.
    Tarradiddle, farradiddle, ging, boys, ging!

  The goodman rose in the morning and put on his hose
  He went to the seaside and followed his nose.
    With a ging, etc.

  Says, "God speed, Fisherman, sailing on the sea;
  Hast thou any crabbs in thy bote for to sell to me?"
    With a ging, etc.

  "I have crabbs in my bote one two three.
  I have crabbs in by bote for to sell thee."
    With a ging, etc.

  The good man went home and ere he wist
  Put the crabb in the Chamberpot where his wife pisst,
    With a ging, etc.

  The good wife she went to do as she was wont:
  Up started the Crabbfish and catcht her by the cunt.
    With a ging, etc.

  "Alas," quoth the goodwife, "that ever I was born;
  The Devil is in the pisspot and has me on his horns."
    With a ging, etc.

  "If you be a crabb or crabfish by kind,
  Thou'll let thy hold go with a blast of cold wind.";
    With a ging, etc.

  The good man laid to his mouth and began to blow
  Thinking thereby that the Crabb would let go.
    With a ging, etc.

  "Alas!" quoth the goodman, "that ever I came hither;
  He has joined my wife's tail and my nose together!"
    With a ging, etc.

  The good man called his neighbours in with great wonder
  To part his wife's tail and his nose asunder.
    With a ging, etc.

                        *




63
                        *

                 SEVEN NIGHTS DRUNK
                         -Traditional
                         -From the singing of Seamus McCafferty

 When I came home on Monday night, as drunk as drunk could be
 I saw a horse outside the door, where my old horse should be
 So I called my wife, (audience shouts: HEY WIFE!)
 And I said to her, would you kindly tell to me
 Who owns that horse outside my door, where my old horse should be?
         Oh, you're drunk, you drunk, you silly old fool,
         Can't you plainly see?
         That's a lovely sow that my mother sent to me
         Well it's many a day I've travelled, a hundred miles or more
         But a saddle on a sow I've never seen before!

 When I came home on Tuesday night......etc.
 Saw a coat behind the door......etc.
 ....Who owns that coat.....
         ...that's a lovely blanket...
         ...But buttons on a blanket....etc.

 When I came home on Wednesday night.....etc.
 I saw a pipe upon the chair, where my old pipe should be..etc.
 ....Who owns that pipe.....
         ...That's a lovely tin-whistle that my mother sent to me!
         ...But tobacco in a tin-whistle I've never seen before!

 When I came home on Thursday night......etc.
 I saw two boots beneath the bed.......etc.
 ....Who owns those boots.......etc.
         ...They're two geranium-pots...etc.
         ...But laces in geranium-pots....etc.

 When I came home on Friday night......etc.
 Saw a head upon the bed......etc.
 ....Who owns that head.........etc.
         ...That's a baby boy...etc.
         ...but whiskers on a baby boy...etc.

 When I came home on Saturday night....etc.
 Saw a rise beneath the sheets.....etc.
 ....Who owns that rise......
         ...It's nothing but a shillelagh...etc.
         ...But knackers on a shillelagh....etc.

 (Alternate lyric: "Hammer" "A hammer with a head like that..")

 When I came home on Sunday night...etc.
 I saw a man walk out the door, a little after three! (shout: A.M.!)
 ....Who was that man......after three (shout: A.M.!)
         ...That's an English tax-man....etc.
         ...But an Englishman that could last till three....etc.


                     *

                     *

64
                        *

      THE SEXUAL LIFE OF THE CAMEL, or MY GOD HOW THE MONEY ROLLS IN!
                                                           -Anonymous

The sexual life of the Camel        My cousin sells shields to the Tuchux
Is stranger than anyone thinks      The plywood they're made of is thin;
One night in a moment of passion    I'm a doggone good Chiurgeon
He tried to deflower the Sphinx!    My God, how the money rolls in!

Now, the Sphinx's posterior anatomy      My brother is a mercenary 
Is covered with sand from the Nile.      Hiring out to help you win
That accounts for the hump in the Camel, Since both Kingdoms pay for his wages
And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile!      My God, how the money rolls in!

Exhaustive experimentation             The East and the Middle are fighting
By Darwin, and Huxley and Hall         Trimaris and others join in
Has proved that the ass of a hedgehog  The Dark Horde makes book on the winner
Can hardly be buggered at all!         My God, how the money rolls in!

The Baron, he rides on a warhorse,      Smilin' Ali is looking for people
With a fancy great helluva rig,         To travel a long way with him
He doesn't get there any faster,        To auctions in old Persian markets
But it makes the old bastard feel big!  My God, how the money rolls in!  

The King, he sleeps in a feather bed    I'm just a poor mercenary
The Knights all sleep in their sacks;   I don't care if we lose or we win
As a means of self-preservation,        As long as you're still here on payday
The squires all sleep on their backs!   My God, how the money rolls in!

And here's to the girls of (insert name)    Ioseph of Locksley is Celtic,
And here's to the alleys they roam,         Ioseph of Locksley is thin,
And here's to their dirty-faced bastards,   Ioseph writes satire to order,
God bless 'em, they may be your own!        My God, how the money rolls in!

My father makes illegal whiskey,          Petruccio is an Italian
My mother makes illegal gin,              He is an expert at Sin
My sister runs guns for the Dark Horde:   He has a stable of gerbils
My God, how the money rolls in!           My God, how the money rolls in!

My brother's a poor missionary          The Dark Horde really likes fighting
He saves little girlies from Sin!       We want your side to win
He'll save you a blonde for 5 dollars   We've cornered the market on duct tape
My God, how the money rolls in!         My God, how the money rolls in!

And here's to the Outlands' new Navy!   Elric, he drives a hard bargain
Let's all give them three cheers!       While trading for leather or skins
The first submarine made of adobe....   He'll let you keep yours for a cookie!
It's been down for thirty-two years!    My God, how the cookies roll in!

So here's to the War at Estrella          Elric's a traveling merchant
Where all of us landed in gaol,           With a band of his very large friends
And here's to the (insert name) maidens,  He'll sell you your lives for your
Who gave us our first piece of tail!                                  silver
                                          My God, how the money rolls in!


                        *


65
                      *

             THE SHAPE OF THINGS
                      -Sheldon Harnick
            (copyright date unknown)

    Completely round is the perfect pearl 
      The oyster manufactures
    Completely round is the steering wheel 
      That leads to compound fractures!
    Completely round is the golden fruit 
      That hangs in the orange tree
    Yes the circle shape is quite renowned
    But sad to say, it can be found
    In the low-down dirty run-around
    My true love gave to me,
    Yes, my true love gave to me!

    Completely square was the velvet box 
      He said my ring would be in
    Completely square was the envelope 
      He said farewell to me in!
    Completely square is the handkerchief 
      I flourish constantly
    As it dries my eyes of the tears I shed
    And it blows my nose till it turns bright red!
    For a perfect square is my true love's head!
    He will not marry me!
    No, he will not marry me!

    Rectangular was the hotel door 
      My true love tried to sneak thru
    Rectangular was the transom-hole 
      By which I had to peek thru
    Rectangular was the hotel room 
      I entered angrily
    And rectangular is the wooden box
    Where lies my love of the golden locks
    They say he died of the chicken-pox....
    In part I must agree:
    One chick too many had he!

    Triangular is the piece of pie 
      I eat to ease my sorrow
    Triangular is the hatchet blade 
      I plan to hide tomorrow!
    Triangular the relationship 
      That now has ceased to be,
    And triangular is the garment thin
    That fastens on with a safety pin
    To a prize I had no wish to win....!
    It's a lasting memory
    That my true love gave to me!

                      *





66

                THE SHEIK OF HOUSE LOCKSLEY
                (Tune: "Sheik of Araby")

 I'm the sheik of House Locks-lee (with no pants on!)
 Your bod belongs to me! (with no pants on!)
 At night when you're asleep, (with no pants on!)
 Into your tent I'll creep! (with no pants on!)
 And wondrous things you'll see! (with no pants on!)
 I'm the sheik of House Locks-lee! (with no pants on!)

 nb: the section in (parentheses) is whispered........

                          *

                     THE SLEEPING SCOTSMAN
                              -Anonymous
                 (last 2 verses by Rich Bailey)

 A Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair
 And one could tell by how he walked he'd drunk more than his share
 He stumbled on until he could no longer keep his feet
 Then staggered off into the grass to sleep, beside the street

 CHORUS: A ring-di-diddle-e-di do, a-ring-di-diddle-i-day
         He staggered off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

         (following choruses as above, repeating last line of verse)

 A pair of young and lovely girls just happened to come by
 And one said to the other, with a twinkle in her eye:
 "You see yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong and handsome built..
 I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt?"

 They crept upon the sleeping Scotsman, quiet as could be,
 And lifted up his kilt above the waist, so they could see..
 And there, behold, for them to view, beneath his Scottish skirt
 T'was nothing but what God has graced him with upon his birth!

 They marveled for a moment, then one said: "We'd best be gone.
 But let's leave a present for our friend before we move along!"
 So as a gift, they left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow,
 Around the Bonnie Star the Scottish kilt did lift and show!

 The Scotsman woke to Nature's Call, and stumbled towards a tree
 Behind the bush, he lifts his kilt, and gawks at what he sees!
 Then, in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes:
 "I ken na' whaur y'been, m'lad, but I see y'won First Prize!"

 Our Scottish friend, still dressed in kilt, continued up the street
 He hadn't gone ten yards or more, when a lass he chanced to meet.
 She said: "I've heard what's underneath there, tell me, is it so?"
 He said: "Just slip your hand up, lass, if y'really want to know!"

 So she slipped her hand right up his kilt, and much to her surprise,
 The Scotsman smiled, and a very strange look came into his eyes,
 She said: "Why, sir, that's gruesome!" And then she heard him roar:
 "If you stick yer hand up once again, you'll find it grew some more!"

                      *
67










                      *

            THE SPANISH INQUISITION
                  -Anthony R. Lewis
           (Tune: "MacNamara's Band")

 Oh, my name is Torquemada, I'm the leader of the band
 Altho we are few in numbers, we are feared throughout the land!
 We work on Jews and Protestants, we kick them as they fall,
 But when we work on heretics, we work the best of all!

 CHORUS: Oh the racks they creak, and the thumbscrews squeak
         And the whips they flail away!
         The Jesuit slams the Iron Maiden shut
         While I sit in the corner and pray!
         Oh, the auto-da-fe is God's chosen way
         And the screams of the victims are grand
         Another soul to Heaven....from Torquemada's band!

                      *






























68
                        *

                 THE SQUIRE'S SONG
                        -Anonymous
                -note: not for the weak-kneed!

    Don't laugh when you see a Duke walk by
    For you may be the next to die!

    To fight with him is suicide
    Especially if you "rhino-hide!"

    As on the field your helm caves in;
    His sword is buried down to your chin!

    They'll take you out to the family plot
    And there you'll wither, decay, and rot!

    They'll take you out, and lower you down,
    And men with shovels will gather 'round!

    They wrap you up in a big white sheet
    And bury you under about six feet!

    And all goes well for about a week
    And then the coffin begins to leak!

    The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out,
    The worms hold revels upon your snout!

    They call their friends, and their buddies, too,
    They'll make a terrible mess of you!

    Your body turns a slimey green
    And pus runs out like whipping cream!

    Your hair turns white, your skin turns blue
    You don't look like you used to do!

    Your eyes fall in, your teeth fall out,
    Your liver turns to sauerkraut!

    And great big bugs with eyes of green
    Crawl in your liver and out your spleen!

    You become a thing that's very rare
    A smell worse than your underwear!

    So don't laugh when you see a Duke walk by
    For you may be the next to die!


            *







69

                     *

                TAIL TODDLE
                    -Traditional Scots
                     recorded by the Mitchell Trio

      Our guidwife held o'er to Fife
      For tae buy a coal-riddle
      Lang or she cam back agin
      Tammie gart my tail toddle!

      (Chorus): Tail toddle, tail toddle
                Tammie gars my tail toddle
                But an' ben we diddle-doddle
                Tammie gars my tail toddle!

      Wen I'm deid I'm out o'date
      Wen I'm seik I'm fu' o'trouble
      Wen I'm weel I stap about
      An' Tammie gars my tail toddle!

      Jenny Jack she gae'd a plack
      Helen Wallace gae'd a bottle
      Quo' the bride "It's o'er little
      For tae mend a broken dottle!"

              *

              IT TAKES A NASTY MAN
                   -Braden the Bard
              (Tune: "It Takes a Worried Man")

 It takes a nasty man, to sing a nasty song (3X)
 I'm nasty now, and I'll be nasty all night long!

 Every single morning I insist on breakfast in bed
 So my Lady wraps her legs around my head!

 I say my bedtime prayers when the Mission bell rings eight
 O send me, Lord, a girl that wants to fornicate!

 They call me short, dark and handsome butI thank God they're wrong
 How can I be short, at a full nine inches long?

 My Liege Lord says I'm slow, but his daughter doesn't mind
 It's 'cause I'm slow, that I get a little behind....!

 I've got hair everywhere, from my head down to my feet
 And in my mouth it gets stuck between my teeth!

 I'll give you some kissin', girl, every single night
 If you want more than that, the line forms to the right!

 They say you are what you eat, I answer "Is that a fact?"
 If that is true, I'm a nymphomaniac!

                 *


70
                        *

               TRIMARIAN SHEEP SONG
                          -Anonymous  
             (Tune: Scotland the Brave)
  
 Bring me some whiskey, mother
 I'm feeling frisky, mother
 I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night! 
 I need a lover, mother
 No, not my brother, mother
 I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night! 

 Gerbils don't make it, mother
 They just can't take it, mother
 I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night!
 Owls, bats and other critters
 Just tend to give me jitters
 I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night!

(bridge)  Sheep never talk about it
          They never ever doubt it
          Always so placid, affectionate and nice!

 Give me that lanolin
 Better than flannel-in
 I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night!

                 *






                        *

                  TRELON, TRELON!
                  (Tune: "Bicycle Built for Two")

     Trelon, Trelon, this isn't very much fun
     At Estrella, outnumbered two-to-one!
     I'm here to tell you, Buster,
     We felt a lot like Custer!
     When we got beat
     We were cold meat!
     Out at Estrella V!

     Trelon, Trelon, looks like they did it again
     No fun, re-run, as our army they over-ran!
     They beat us and they banged us,
     They crucified and hanged us,
     It's getting old
     Them beating us cold
     Out at Estrella VI!

                         *



71
                        *

                   VIRGIN STURGEON
                        -Anonymous
                (Tune: "Ruben, Ruben")

 Caviar comes from virgin sturgeon      The oyster's a prolific bivalve
 Virgin sturgeon's a mighty fine fish   Keeps its' innards in its' shell,
 Virgin sturgeon needs no urgin'        How they diddle is a riddle,
 That's why caviar is my dish!          But they do, so wotthehell!

 Shad roe comes from scarlet shad fish  The trout is just a little salmon,
 Shad fish have a very sad fate:        Just half-grown, and minus scales,
 Pregnant shad fish is a sad fish       But the trout, just like the salmon
 Got that way without a mate!           Can't get on without his tail!
  
 Mrs. Clam is optimistic                Give a thought to the happy codfish
 Shoots her eggs out in the sea         Always there when duty calls,
 Hopes her suitor is a shooter          Female cod fish is an odd fish
 Hits the selfsame spot as she!         From her come your cod fish balls!

 The green sea-turtle's mate is happy   A lucky fish is the common starfish
 With her lover's winning ways          When for offspring they essay;
 First he grips her with his flipper    Yes, me hearties, they have parties
 Then they flip for days and days!      In the good old fashioned way!

 I fed caviar to my Lady                I fed caviar to my grandpa
 She was a virgin tried and true        He was a man of ninety-three
 Now that virgin needs no urgin'        Shouts and screams were heard from
 Now there's nothin' she won't do!                                 grandma
                                        As he chased her up a tree!

 I fed caviar to my rooster             Every living thing will do it
 I fed caviar to my cow,                Without making lots of fuss
 Now the barnyard sure looks funny:     When they do it, they don't rue it,
 All the cows have feathers now!        So my darlin', why not us?
 
                        *

                  VATICAN CASKETS
                  (Tune: "Rock Of Ages")

         Vatican caskets are just fine
         Made of sandal-wood and pine
         When your loved ones have to go,
         Die with "cum Spiritu tuo!"
         When your loved one's pass away
         Have them pass the Vatican Way!
         Sistine Chapel, Saint Peter's, too
         Holy water just for you!

         Vatican caskets, unlike a rose,
         They will never decompose.
         For they stand the test of time;
         No need to kill the flies with lime!
         Get down on your knees and pray
         When your loved ones pass away!
         Vatican customers all sing:
         Death, O Death, where is thy sting?
                       *
72
                       *

                   THE WAGER

       My lady and her maid upon a merry pin,
       They made a match at farting, 
       Who should the wager win.

       Joan lights three candles then,
       And sets them bolt upright.
       With the first fart she blew them out
       With the next she gave them light

       In comes my lady then,
       With all her might and main
       And blew them out
       And in and out
       And in and out again.

                        *








                        *


             WAKE UP LITTLE FLOOZIE
             (Tune: "Wake up, Litttle Suzie!")

     Wake up, little floozie, wake up!
     Wake up, little floozie, wake up!
     The Tourney wasn't so hot
     And you got drunker than snot!
     And now, it's over, I've won the Crown,
     And BOY! are we in a spot!
     Wake up, little floozie!
     Wake up, little floozie!

     Well, I told the Duke I wouldn't rhino-hide
     Well, floozie, baby, it looks like that I lied!
     Wake up little floozie (etc.)

     What're we gonna tell the Countess?
     What're we gonna tell the BoD?
     What're we gonna tell the Duke when he goes
     Oh, My Ghod!
     Wake up little floozie (etc.)
     We gotta go reign!

                             *





73
                        *

            WALTZ ME AROUND AGAIN, HROTHGAR!                          
                     -Ioseph of Locksley and countless others!
                     -tune: "Celito Lindo"

 A limerick packs laughs anatomical
 Into space that is quite economical
 But the good ones we've seen
 So seldom are clean
 And the clean ones so seldom are comical!        (T)

 (Chorus): Ai, ai, ai, ai!
           I am drunker than you are
           So sing me another verse
           That's worse than the other verse
           And waltz me around again, Hrothgar!      (I)

 A blue ribbon was quite a surprise
 To a Scotsman in his native guise
 "I don't know where you've been,
 Whether good, or in sin....
 But I'm glad that you won the first prize!"     (I)

 While Titian was mixing rose madder
 He espied a nude girl on a ladder
 Her position, to Titian
 Suggested coition
 So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er!       (T)

 A wanton young lady from Wembly
 Reproached for not acting quite primly
 Answered "Heavens above!"
 "I know sex is not love!"
 "But it's such an attractive facsimile!"       (T)

 There once was a knight from the West
 Who thought he was the very best
 But the ladies just chaffed
 And pointed and laughed
 And never put him to the test!             (U)

 A Celt, with a grin, softly said
 As he killed all his enemies dead
 "These trophies so gory
 Are my marks of glory,
 It's my enemies giving me head!"                (I)

 There was a young lass from Bryn Mawr
 Who committed a dreadful faux pas
 She loosened a stay
 In her decollette
 Exposing her je ne sais quoi!             (T)

 There once was an old man of Lyme
 Who married three wives at a time
 When asked: "Why a third?"
 He replied: "One's absurd!"
 "And bigamy, sir, is a crime!"         (T)           
                
74
 The Revel lasts all of the night
 Lords and ladies in finery bedight
 The music doth swell
 The dancers look well
 Once they learn their left foot from their right!    (E)

 There once was a knight from the Middle
 Who wanted to learn how to diddle
 In the East, at his ease,
 He caught a disease:
 And now he can't even piddle!                (I)

 A randy young man from Caid
 Was discovered spreading his seed
 In horses and dogs,
 In owls and in frogs,
 And in two or three slow-moving Swedes!      (I)

 At least if you're in the Dark Horde
 You will never sit 'round being bored
 Our ladies, and wives.
 Tend to carry sharp knives....
 First get their permission, my lord!         (U)

 A lusty old Duke, at Estrella
 Was behaving in ways I won't say-a
 In his BVDs
 Duct-taped to a tree
 He woke up the very next day-a!              (I)

 Address all unknowns as gentle
 Treat ladies as tho' sacramental
 Unless their bare arms,
 Loose behavior, and charms
 Proclaim that their favours are rentals!     (E)

 Don't ever drink Caidan Blue
 It'll getcha as nothing else do!
 A pirate one day
 Drank two, so they say,
 Just look at that boy gork and spew!         (I)

 There once was a young knight from Kent
 Whose thing was so long that it bent!
 To save himself trouble
 He'd put it in double,
 And instead of coming, he went!              (T)

 The trouble with list'ning to Yang
 Was that every damned song the man sang
 Was either illicit,
 immoral, explicit,
 Or in lower Mongolian slang!                 (E)

 There was a young lady named Banker
 Who slept with the Corsairs, at anchor!
 She awoke in dismay
 When she heard someone say:
 "Now, up with the top's'l and spanker!"      (U)

75
 A serious thought for today
 Is one that may cause dismay:
 Just what are the forces
 That bring little horses
 If all the big horses say "Neigh?"           (U)

 There was a young man from Racine
 Who invented a "Doing Machine"
 Concave and convex
 It could "do" either sex,
 But oh, what a bastard to clean!             (T)

 There was a young couple named Kelly
 Who walked around belly-to-belly
 Because, in their haste,
 They used library paste
 Instead of petroleum jelly!                  (T)

 At the Revel last night down in Crewe
 I found a large mouse in the stew
 Said the waiter "Don't shout,
 And wave it about,
 Or the King will be wanting one, too!"       (T)

 There was a young lady named Greene
 Who grew so abnormally lean
 And flat and compressed
 That her back touched her chest
 And sideways, she couldn't be seen!          (T)

 A certain young man from An Tir
 Sat down, and cried in his beer,
 His lady, he said,
 Wore chain-mail to bed
 And it took off the hair round his peer      (I)

 There once was a knight from the Mists
 Who cockily entered the lists
 A Duke soon uncocked him,
 Dehorned and defrocked him,
 He got screwed, but never was kissed!        (I)

 If you kiss enough frogs, so they say,
 One might be a Prince, some fine day,
 But beware of the dude
 Who is uncouth, and lewd:
 He's a horny toad, and a bad lay!            (I)

 A certain young Herald so charming
 Had Arms that were very alarming:
 A maiden, displayed,
 On a bed, disarrayed,
 And the motto: "Foreplay is forearming!"     (I)

 You can fight the Dark Horde, if you wanna
 You'll find plenty of blood, guts, and honnah
 While you turn them quite green
 With your shieldwork supreme
 Look out for that left-hand katana!         (E)

76
 The East, or the Mid, (It depends!)
 Remarks when the Horde condescends
 To march into place
 With sword, spear and mace:
 "Your friends? I thought they were our friends!"      (E)

 Now Ysgithrs' all in a riot
 They've never been peaceful and quiet
 We'd turn it to slag
 Mop it up with a rag
 Or sell it, but nobody'd buy it!          (U)

 A Meridian lady, they say.
 Was made a peculiar way:
 She took forty-two strokes
 And three dirty jokes
 And a gallon of mead every day!           (U)

 Ansteorra's a place in a rut
 Delighted to wallow in smut!
 They use dirty socks
 To cover their jocks
 And do, well, I mustn't say what!         (U)

 As I gazed at the heavens one night
 The cracks in the sky caused me fright!
 Pieces came down!
 Fell all over town!
 I guess Chicken Little was right!         (J)

 God's plan had a hopeful beginning
 But Man spoiled his chances by sinning
 We trust that the story
 Will end up in Glory
 But, at present, the Other side's winning....     (T)

 And now we have got to The End
 Of this song about Terrible Sin
 And if you've been bored
 I'm sorry, m'lord
 You should NEVER have let me begin!         (I)


 **************************************************************

 Follows are extra verses, and XXX-rated verses to "Waltz Me Around
                     Again, Hrothgar":

 There was a young girl named Alice
 Who used dynamite for a phallus
 They found her vagina
 In South Carolina
 And her arse was just this side of Dallas!     (T)

 A rancid old hermit named Dave
 Kept a dead whore in a cave
 He said; "I admit,"
 "I'm a bit of a shit;"
 "But think of the money I save!"             (T)

77
 There was a young man from Nantucket
 Whose prick was so long he could suck it
 Said he, with a grin,
 As he wiped off his chin,
 "If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!"        (T)

 Now, Jon and Diana one day
 Founded the whole SCA
 At a Berkeley party
 That was very arty
 Now it's covered the whole USA!           (U)

 His Grace (or Her Grace...it depends)
 Remarks when the Dark Horde descends
 With chickens and goats,
 six Serbs and five Croats
 "My friends? I thought they were YOUR friends!"       (E)

 There once was an old maid from Wooster
 Who thought that a man had seduced her
 When looking around, 
 She finally found:
 'Twas only the bedpost that goosed her!         (T)

 There was an old lady from Munich
 Who was ravished one night by a Eunuch
 At the height of her passion
 He slipped her a ration
 From a squirt-gun concealed in his tunic!       (T)

 There once was a mighty stick-jock
 Who had holes down the length of his cock
 When he got an erection
 He'd play a selection
 From Johann Sebastian Bach!             (U)

 An attractive young lady named Myrtle
 Had quite an affair with a turtle
 What is more phenominal
 A swelling abdominal
 Showed Myrtle the Turtle was fertile!         (T)

 An unfortunate fellow named Chase
 Had an ass that was badly misplaced
 He showed indignation
 When investigation
 Proved that few persons shit thru their face!      (T)

 A Roman, who hailed from Gazondom
 Used a dried hedgehog's hide for a condom
 His mistress did shout
 As he pulled the thing out
 "De gustibus non disputandum!"                (U)

 There was a young maid from Madras
 Who had a magnificent ass
 Not pretty, and pink,
 As you probably think:
 It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass!      (S)

78
 A bather, whose clothing was strewed
 By breezes, that left her quite nude
 Saw a man come along
 And, unless I am wrong,
 You expect the next line to be lewd!         (U)

 A habit obscene and unsavoury
 Holds the Vicar of Wessex in slavery
 With maniacal howls
 He deflowers young owls
 Which he keeps in an underground aviary!      (T)

 There was a young harlot from Crewe
 Who filled her vagina with glue
 She said, with a grin,
 "If they pay to get in,
 They'll pay to get out of it, too!"         (S)

 There was a young lawyer named Rex
 Who was sadly deficient in sex
 Arraigned for exposure
 He said, with composure,
 "De minimus non curat lex!"         (U)

 There was an old lady of Tring
 Who, when somebody asked her to sing
 Replied, "Isn't it odd?
 I can never tell 'God
 Save The Weasel' from 'Pop Goes The King!"         (U)

 A young poet, whose name was McMahon
 Wrote verse that never would scan
 When they said, "But the thing
 Doesn't move with a swing,"
 He said: "Yes, but I like to get as many words
          into the last line as I possibly can!      (U)

 There once was a Duke from the West
 Whose bride wore chain-mail with the best
 He said," She is sweet,
 And gentle, and neat,
 But it pulls out the hairs from my chest!"      (I)

 There once was a man named Old Jossil
 Who found a most int'resting fossil
 He could tell by the bend
 And the knot in the end,
 T'was the pecker of Paul the Apostle!            (T)

 There once was a man from Rangoon
 Who was born by the light of the moon
 He had not the luck
 To be born of a fuck
 But a wet-dream scraped up with a spoon!          (T)

 There once was a man from Shambock
 Who played the bass viol with his cock
 With massive erections
 He rendered selections
 From Johann Sebastian Bach!                     (T)
79
 There once was a girl from Milpitas
 Who had a great yen for coitus
 Her athletic friend
 Had an itch on the end,
 So now she has ath-el-ete's foetus!             (U)

 There once was a girl from Mobile
 Had a cunt made of crucible steel
 Her greatest sex-thrill
 Was a rotary drill
 And an off-center emery wheel!                  (U)

 A broken-down harlot named Truppe
 Was heard to confess, in her cups,
 "The height of my folly
 Was to diddle a Collie,
 But I got a nice prize for the pups!"         (T)

 There once was a man named Grost
 Who had an affair with a ghost
 He said, with a spasm,
 At the height of orgasm,
 "I think I can feel it, almost!"               (T)

 There once was a Corsair named Bates
 Who did the fandango, on skates;
 He fell on his cutlass
 Which rendered him nutless,
 And practically useless on dates!               (T)

 There was a young lady named Cager
 Who, as the result of a wager,
 Consented to fart
 The whole oboe part
 Of Mozart's Quartet in F Major!                 (U)

 There was a young lady from York
 Who was greatly adverse to the stork
 But no matter how firm,
 She feared no man's sperm,
 For she plugged it up first with a cork!         (U)

 There was an old Count from Svoboda
 Who would not pay a whore what he owed her,
 So, with great savoir-faire,
 She stood on a chair,
 And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda!               (T)

 There was a young lady from Arden
 Who was blowing a man in a garden,
 He said, in a huff:
 "Do you swallow the stuff?"
 She answered him:" (gulp!) Beg your pardon?"      (T)

 The lovely young Countess of Bole
 Had a sense of humor most droll
 To a masquerade ball
 She wore nothing at all,
 And backed in as a Parker House Roll!           (T)

80
 There was a young man from old Sparta
 Who was a magnificent farta
 He could fart anything
 From "God Save the Queen,"
 To a solo from "La Traviata!"           (T)

 On the chest of a Countess named Gail
 Was tatooed the price of her tail,
 And on her behind,
 For the sake of the blind,
 Was the same information, in Braille!           (T)

 There was a young man from New Haven
 Who had an affair with a raven
 Said he, with a grin,
 As he wiped off his chin,
 "Nevermore!"                           (U)

 A fighter, while armoring up,
 Found a lady's brassiere in his cup.
 Since his jock strap was gone,
 He tied the thing on,
 Saying, "Wonder what's holding HER up?"  (M)

 A lady who liked to brew mead
 Made a very strong potion indeed--
 When served at the War,
 It disabled twelve score,
 And the Midrealm was forced to concede!    (M)

 Hussein, a true servant of Allah,
 Converted some poor Viking fella
 Saying, "Take my advice,
 Seek the true Paradise--
 You know what they serve in Valhalla!"     (M)

 All the lady apes ran from King Kong
 For his dong was unspeakably long
 But a friendly giraffe
 Took his yard-and-a-half
 And ecstatically broke into song!          (S)

 A maiden who lived in Virginny
 Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny
 The hunting set chased her,
 Fucked, buggered, then dropped her
 For the pitch of her organ went tinny!     (S)

 There once was a young girl of Devon
 Who was raped in a garden by seven
 High Anglican priests -
 The lascivious beasts!
 Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.....!     (S)

 When a woman in strapless attire
 Found her breasts working higher and higher
 A guest, with great feeling,
 Exclaimed "How appealing!
 Do you mind if I piss in the fire?"       (S)

81
 There was a young lady from Trent
 Who said that she knew what it meant
 When he asked her to dine
 Private room, lots of wine,
 She knew, oh, she knew...but she went!     (S)

 There was a young lady named Hitchin
 Who was scratchin' her crotch in the kitchen
 Her mother said, "Rose,"
 "It's the crabs, I suppose..."
 She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itchin'!"    (S)

 There was a young man of St. James
 Who indulged in the jolliest games
 He lighted the rim
 Of his grandmother's quim
 And laughed as she pissed thru the flames!   (S)

 A fellow whose surname was Hunt
 Trained his prick to perform a slick stunt
 This versatile spout
 Could be turned inside out
 like a glove, and be used as a cunt!          (S)

 There was a young girl from Darjeeling
 Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
 There was never a sound
 For miles around
 Save for fly-buttons hitting the ceiling!     (S)

 A hermit who had an oasis
 Thought it the best of all places
 He could pray and be calm
 'Neath a pleasant date-palm,
 While the lice on his pecker ran races!       (S)

 The last time I dined with the King
 He did quite a curious thing:
 He sat on a stool
 And took out his tool,
 And said, "If I play, will you sing?"         (S)

 The gay young Duke of Buckingham
 Stood on the bridge at Rockingham,
 Watching the stunts
 of the cunts and the punts,
 and the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em!  (S)

 A mathematician named Ball
 Had a hexahedronical ball,
 And the cube of its' weight
 Times his pecker, plus eight,
 Was four-fifths of five-eighths fucking all!   (S)

 There was a young student of Trinity
 Who shattered his sister's virginity
 He buggered his brother,
 Had twins by his mother,
 And took double honours in Divinity!       (S)

82
 There was a young fellow named Scott
 Who took a girl out on his yacht
 But, too lazy to rape her,
 He made darts of brown paper,
 Which he languidly threw at her twat!      (S)

 There was a young lady from Exeter
 So pretty, that men craned their necks at her
 One went so far
 As to wave from his car
 The distinguishing mark of his sex at her!    (S)

 There was a young fellow named Kimble
 Whose prick was exceedingly nimble
 But fragile and slender
 And dainty and tender
 So he kept it enclosed in a thimble!         (S)

 An organist, playing at York,
 Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
 And, between obligattos,
 He'd munch at tomatoes
 To keep up his strength while at work!       (S)

 As the she-wolf and lioness feel
 For their cubs, so the Knight for his steel.
 When looking at such
 Ask leave ere you touch
 Or instead of seeing, you'll feel.           (C)

 Be still when a Bard holds the hall.
 Join the dancing or stand by the wall.
 Don't boast of your might
 Till you learn how to fight
 Or after or ever at all.                     (C)

 There once was a girl with a torso
 Like Jessica Rabbit's but more so!
 Her only complaint
 Was because Ink and Paint
 Gave each of her tits its own floor show!    (K)

 There once was a Corsair named Sue
 Who preferred a stiff drink to a screw
 But one leads to the other
 And now she's a mother
 Let this be a lesson to you!                  (A)

 Every time Her Majesty swoons
 Her boobies pop out like balloons!
 But the King, he stands by,
 With hauteur in his eye,
 And puts them back gently with spoons!        (A)

 There once was a tart from Madrid
 Who learned she was having a kid.
 By holding her water
 Three months and a quarter,
 She drowned the poor bastard, she did!        (T)

83
 From the depths of the crypt at St. Styles
 Came a scream that resounded for miles
 Said the Vicar, "Good gracious!"
 Has Father Ignatius
 Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"              (A)

 A Countess once had an affair
 With a Lord that was covered with hair
 Then she picked up his hat
 And realized that
 She'd been diddled by Smokey the Bear!        (A)

 Said an oversexed Duchess named Lou
 Who admitted to age fourty-two
 "I just love this sweet precious
 menopause that refreshes!
 Now I don't give a damn what I do!"           (A)

 Said a Caidan big-busted siren
 "Cavaliers are so cute, I must try 'em!"
 She came home in the nude,
 Stewed, screwed, and tattooed
 With lewd pictures, and poems by Byron!       (A)

 When Godiva rose out on her horse-o
 She displayed quite a lot of her torso
 A crowd soon collected,
 The ladies objected
 But the men cried "We'd like to see more so!"  (A)

 A young castle-protecting alarmer
 Considered himself quite the charmer
 Said the maiden, demure,
 "This is pleasant, I'm sure,
 But why don't you take off your armor?"       (A)

 There was a young couple named Neville
 Whose habits were very medieval
 They would strip to the skin
 And each take a pin
 And pick lint from the other one's navel!     (A)

 A maiden out walking with Peers
 Once suddenly burst into tears
 When they asked her the reason,
 She said, "I have fleas on
 My ass, and my boobs, and my ears!"           (A)

 A Laurel who used strong perfume
 Once kept a baboon in her room
 "It's how I excite 
 My Atenveldt knight!"
 But she never would specify whom!             (A)

 The heralds are all beyond price
 They dabble in all kinds of vice
 They have virgins, and boys,
 And mechanical toys,
 And on Sundays they meddle with mice!         (A) 

84
 Despite their exotic mystique
 Arab girls are really quite meek!
 If a mouse shows its head
 They will jump into bed
 With a terrible, blood-curdling Sheik!        (A)

 A hooker that Corsairs thought sweet
 Was selling her twat on the street
 While ambling one day,
 In a casual way,
 She clapped up the whole pirate fleet!        (U)

 A remarkable race are the Persians
 They have such peculiar diversions
 They make love all day
 In the usual way,
 And they save up the (k)nights for perversions! (A)

 Said a Viking, in the heat of Bombay,
 "I have prayed for a lay the whole day!
 Now I'll have one, I vow,
 With the first sacred cow
 That looks gentle and gets in my way!"        (U)

 Said Queen Isabella of Spain,
 "I'd like it just now and again,
 But please let me explain,
 By 'now and again,'
 I mean NOW, and AGAIN! and AGAIN!             (U)

 A Duchess with features cherubic
 Was famed for her area pubic
 When they asked her its size,
 She exclaimed in surprise:
 "Do you want that in square feet...or cubic?"  (U)

 A Tuchux girl loves not her lover
 So much as she loves his love of her
 Then loves she her lover
 For love of her lover
 Or for love of her love of her lover?          (U)

 A West Kingdom knight I'm not namin'
 Asked a wench that he thought he was tamin'
 "Have you your maidenhead?"
 "Don't be foolish!" she said,
 "But I still have the box that it came in!"    (U)

 A Cavalier lady named Mabel
 Once said, "I don't think that I'm able,
 But I'm willing to try
 So where shall I lie?
 On the bed, on the floor, or the table?"       (U)

 T'was a randy young wench down in Dover
 Whose passion was such that it drove her
 To cry when you came
 "Oh dear! What a shame!
 Methinks that we'll have to start over!"       (U)

85
 An Atlantian wierdo named Will
 Made his neighbors exceedingly ill
 When they learned of his habits
 Involving white rabbits
 And a bird with a flexible bill!               (U)

 A lascivious Scotsman from Neap
 Remarked as he ravished a sheep
 "I'm hoping I shall
 Someday hump a gal,
 But they're neither as tight, nor as cheap!"   (U)

119 verses                             last update: 08/29/91


 * note: there are HUNDREDS of verses to this song.......

 (T): Traditional   (U): Unknown source    (I): Ioseph of Locksley
 (E): East Kingdom Songbook     (S): Singapore Hash House Harriers    
 (J): John Benson  (M): Marian Greenleaf  (C): Cariadoc of The Bow      
 (K): Charlie Kellner  (A): Ardjukk Afraid-of-His-Cats

                 *





































86
                        *

         THE WESTMINISTER WHORE 
 (c. 1610) Found in "Bawdy Verse, A Pleasant Collection"   
                                                                     
  As I went to Westminister Abby
  I saw a younge Wenche on her backe,
  Cramminge in a Dildo of Tabby
  Into her Cunt Till 'twas ready to crack.

  "By your leave" said I, "Pretty Maid,
  Methinks your sport is but drye?"
  "I can get no better" she said; "Sir,
  And I'll tell you the reason why."

  "Madame P. hath a Thing at her breech,
  Sucks up all the scad of the Town;
  She's a damn'd lascivious Bitch
  And fucks for half-a-Crown."

  "Now, the Curse of a Cunt without Hair
  And ten thousand Poxes upon her;
  We pore whores may go hang in dispaire;
  We're undone by the Maydes of Honour."

  Then in Loyalty, as I was bound,
  Hering her speak in this sort.
  I fuckt her thrice on the ground,
  And bid her speak well of the Court.

                *





























87
                        *

               WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT?
                     (Monty Python)

 Whenever life gets you down Mrs. Brown,
 And things seem hard or tough,
 And people are stupid, obnoxious, or daft,
 And you feel that you've had quite enough...

 Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving,
 And revolving at nine-hundred miles an hour.
 That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
 A sun that is the source of all our power.

 The Sun, and you and me, and all the stars that we can see,
 Are moving at a million miles a day,
 In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
 Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way.

 Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars,
 It's one hundred thousand light years side to side.
 It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
 But out by us it's just three thousand light years wide.

 We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point,
 We go round every two hundred million years,
 And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions (and billions...)
 In this amazing and expanding universe.

 The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
 In all of the directions it can whiz.
 As fast as it can go, the speed of light you know,
 Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.

 So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure,
 How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
 And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
 Because there's bugger all down here on earth.

                     *



















88
                        *

                YOUNG FOLKS, OLD FOLKS
                          -Traditional

CHORUS: Young folks, old folks, everybody come
        Come to the Sunday School and have a lot of fun
        Bring a stick of chewing gum and park it at the door
        (Please check your chewing gum and razors at the door)
        And we'll tell you Bible stories like you never heard before!

  God made the world in six days and rested on the seventh
  According to the contract, it should have been the eleventh
  But the carpenters were out on strike, the masons wouldn't work
  So the foremen dug a hole and they filled it up with dirt

  When they finished with the firmament they started on the sky
  They hung it overhead and they left it there to dry
  They studded it with stars made of pretty angel's eyes
  To give us a little light when the moon forgot to rise

  God made Satan, Satan made sin
  God made a hot place to put Satan in
  Satan didn't like it so he said he wouldn't stay
  He's been acting like the devil ever since that very day!

  Adam was the first man that ever was invented
  Along came Eve, and then he was contented
  Then came the Serpent, knocking at the door
  Eve et the apple, and Adam et the core!

  Adam was a gardener and Eve, she was his spouse
  They got the sack for stealing fruit and went to keeping house
  They lived a very quiet life, and peaceful in the main
  Until they had a baby and they started raising Cain!

  Adam was the first man, we all do believe
  He had a wife and her name was Eve
  She was fair to look upon, and oh how she could dance
  And her dress was made of shredded wheat, and so were Adam's pants

  Adam had two sons who didn't quite agree
  The psychiatrists they conferred and said " 'Twas sibling rivalry!"
  One day young Cain got angry, and somehow lost his head
  Took out his Colt revolver and filled Abel full of lead!

  Noah was a mariner and sailed around the sea
  With half a dozen wives and a whole menagerie
  He tried his hand a fishing so the Bible tale confirms
  But he didn't have much luck 'cause he only had two worms!

  Methuselah was crabby 'cause he couldn't take a joke
  He had all the makings of an old and seedy bloke
  His whiskers got so long that he couldn't see ahead
  If he'd tucked in all the covers he could have used them for his bed!

  Methuselah got famous, for he refused to die
  "When ya gonna croak?" they asked, he answered, "Bye and bye!"
  And when they pressed him for the date, Methuzy whispered "Hush!"
  Then laughing thru his whiskers, he hollered "What's the rush?"
89
  Esau was a cowboy, a wild and wooly rake
  Half the ranch belonged to him, and half to brother Jake
  Now Esau thought the title to the property weren't clear
  So he sold out to his brother for a sandwich and a beer

  Onan, son of Judah, was a melancholy kid;
  He'd jerk and jerk and jerk and jerk, and that was all he did.
  But the Lord got angry, when Onan shunned his mate
  So awfully hipped on self-abuse, he wouldn't fornicate!

  Joseph was a shepherd and he kept his father's goats
  His Daddy used to dress him in the very loudest coats
  His brothers they got jealous and they threw him in a well
  Joseph went to Heaven and the others went to -----  

  Joseph was a pretty boy, a very handsome kid
  His boss' wife she eyed him, and straight'way flipped her lid
  She grabbed him by his you-know-what, and sat him on her lap
  But Joey wouldn't fall for that - he knew she had the clap!

  Moses was a prophet, they found him by a brook
  He was found by Pharaoh's daughter when she went in for a look
  She took him home to Father, said she found him by the shore
  Pharaoh merely smiled and said "I've heard that one before!"

  Moses was a wise old bird who knew some fancy tricks
  The 'gyppos tried some phoney stuff with magic walking sticks
  Old Pharoah he pursued him, and the Israelites did flee
  But Moses hexed the army, and drowned 'em in the sea!

  Moses was the leader of the Israelitic flock,
  He used to get spa water just by tapping on a rock.
  But then, from the multitude there came a mighty cheer,
  For instead of getting water, he got Foster's Lager beer!

  Joshua was a jazz cat - the greatest ever born
  The wall of Jericho fell down when he blew on his horn
  Pursuing all his enemies, he made the sun stand still
  The sun it wouldn't listen, so he nailed it to a hill!

  Here comes Ruth just looking all around
  Just like the girls in my home town
  Didn't wear any lipstick, or powder on her nose
  But she got a fella, as everybody knows!

  Meshach, Shadrach and Abednego
  Told the King of Babylon where he could go
  He put them in the furnace, and gave the door a slam
  But they wore asbestos BVD's and didn't give a....hoot

  Daniel was a stubborn man who wouldn't mind the King
  The King said he'd nver heard of such a naughty thing!
  Put Daniel in the lion's den, with Daniel underneath
  But Daniel was a dentist, and he pulled the lion's teeth!

  Salome was a dancer and she danced before the King
  She wiggled and she wobbled and she shook most everything
  "But" said the King, "We must have no scandal here!"
  "The hell we won't!" Salome said, and kicked the chandelier!

90
  Samson was a guy from the P.T. Barnum school
  He used to lift five hundred pounds as strongman in the show
  'Til a lady named Delilah got him all fixed up with gin
  They caught him bald-headed and the coppers ran him in!

  But Samson wasn't satisfied, the pace got in his hair
  He mooned around when the act was on and set himself a chair
  He'd slain ten thousand Philistines with the jawbone of a mouse
  But that weight-lift act of Samson's brought down the house!

  Solomon was a wise man, he had a lot of cash
  Queen of Sheba came along, and Solly made a mash
  I guess he thought that royalty was rather underpaid
  For he took to writing proverbs, tho he was a King by trade!

  Jeremiah was a wailer who cried both night and day
  He bawled and bawled just bucketsful, and cried his eyes away
  They asked him "Whatcha cryin' for?" He grabbed a handkerchief
  "The worst, dear friends, has happened: my pecker won't get stiff!"

  Elijah was an astronaut, a very clever flyer
  He winged up to heaven in a chariot of fire
  But when he reached the Pearly Gates, the Lord began to frown;
  "Now listen here, Elijah, just haul those cinders down!"

  Elijah was a prophet and he worked the County Fairs
  He advertised his act with a set of dancing bears
  He held a sale of prophecies 'most every afternoon
  And he went up every evening in a gaudy silk balloon

  Ahab had a lovely wife, her name was Jezebel
  While hanging out the clothes one day, down off the roof she fell
  "Your wife has gone all to the dogs," was what they told the King
  But Ahab said he'd never heard of such a doggone thing!

  Jonah was an emigrant, so runs the Bible tale
  He took a steerage passage on a transatlantic whale
  Jonah in the belly of the whale felt quite compressed
  So he pushed a little button and the whale did the rest!

  Goliath was a giant, and he was a rowdy cuss
  Went around the countryside, looking for a fuss
  When he saw David, he laughed till he bust
  Then David heaved a rock and socked him on the crust!

  John was a Baptist, whose look was hot as fire
  He took one look at Salome and filled her with desire
  She propositioned Johnny, but he wouldn't go to bed
  So Johnny lost that piece of tail, and also lost his head!

  Paul was a salesman who travelled far and wide
  But tho he was a bachelor, he never went for hide
  He scorned every female, and preached that sex was out
  And 'twas all because Paul's peter was afflicted with the gout!

  There are plenty of these Bible tales, I'll tell you more tomorrow
  How Lot with the wife and family fled from Sodom and Gomorrah
  But his wife turned to salt, to her very great dismay
  And Lot moved out to the suburbs of L.A.!
                     ------
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  EXTRA AND VARIANT VERSES:

  God made Satan, and Satan made sin.
  God made a cubbyhole to put Satan in.
  Satan got mad and said he wouldn't stay.
  The Lord said "You gotta, 'cause you can't get away."

  Adam was the first man that ever was invented
  He lived out his life and never was contented
  He was made all out of mud and that's no lie
  They hung on a fence in the sun to dry

  Adam was the first man, Eve she was a mother
  Cain was a wicked man because he slew his brother
  Samson was a strong man, Noah built the Ark
  Jonah was a fisherman got swallered by a shark

  Adam was the first man, Eve was his spouse,
  They stopped eating fruit and set to keeping house
  All was going pretty well, until the baby came
  And then they started in a-raising Cain!

  Adam was the first man, Eve was his spouse
  They started in the Garden, together keeping house
  All was going pretty well, until the baby came
  And then they started in a-raising Cain!

  Noah was a carpenter, walking in the dark
  Stumbled on a hammer, and built himself an Ark
  The rain came down in showers fine
  And the Ark sailed away on scheduled time

  Noah was a mariner and sailed around the sea
  With half a dozen wives and a whole menagerie
  He failed the first season when it rained for forty days
  In that knd of weather, a circus never pays!

  Jonah signed up for a transatlantic sail
  He spent three days in the belly of a whale
  Jonah got bored, and the whale got depressed
  So Jonah pushed the button and the whale did the rest

  Salome was a dancer and she danced the hootchy-cootch
  She danced before the King and he liked her very much
  "But" said the King, "We must have no scandal here!"
  "The hell we won't!" Salome said, and kicked the chandelier!

  Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego
  Wouldn't obey the King and so they had to go
  Put 'em in a furnace to burn 'em up like chaff
  But they had asbestos BVD's and gave the King a laugh!

                        *






92

 This is the Alphabetical Version of the bawdy/rotten songs
 of the Black Book Of Locksley. This has been compiled by
 Ioseph of Locksley, PO Box 35190, Phoenix, AZ 85069, who is
 always interested in more lyrics to any of the above songs,
 or other songs that he might not have. Feel free to sing
 these where ever you want to, but use discretion with these
 songs, as some or all of them may offend your listeners.

 Updates to this file will be periodically made available.
 This file was finished in September of 1991.

                 *****************



