Anarchist Phone Pranks: Vol I

Written by: The 0mega & Electronic Rebel 04/03/86

Introduction:

     The Telephone is possibly the most useful device ever invented for the
Anarchist/Prankster.  With it, you can effectively terrorize a person or
permanently ruin his/her life forever, quickly, easily, anonymously, and
without ever leaving the comfort and privacy of your own home.  It can open up
new vistas in entertainment and bring hours of fun. Outlined herein are
several
Krackartist favorites for phone terrorism, and general cranking.  The usual
disclaimer applies: they are intended for informational purposes only, and we
take no responsibility for whatever happens to the victim or the perpetrator.
[But, don't let that stop you!]

Case History:

     The Victim: Bob Retard <not his real name>, 22 years old - such the
lozer,
Nerds use him as a guideline. Let me describe Bob Retard in greater
detail...For one thing, Bob was a mormon, and that was bad enough, but his
appearance was even worse. He was weak and skinny.  Bob always wore the same
old, pale-blue fishing hat no matter where he went. He probably wore it to
cover up his greasy hair; it looked like he hadn't washed it since 1974, (but,
I was always afraid to look any closer than I dared) and it looked like he
combed it back with his clumsy hands.  I don't think he had shaved in as long
either, because he had this stubble growing on his face, like a slime mold.
He
had an annoying, pimply little voice, like his nose was stopped up with mucus
or something.  And around his neck was a whistle and a light-meter (we never
could figure those out), and strapped to his hip he always carried a 99
function scientific calculator IN A HOLSTER! (Can you believe it?) Maybe he
wanted to be ready to do numeric battle or something, I don't know. In his
shirt pocket, he had a leather pocket-guard with an assortment of multi-color
pens and mechanical pencils.  I got the impression that is mother (who must
have been a Hellen-Keller clone) had dressed him.  You could spot him
anywhere,
whether riding his bike (him and that bike!), or on rare occasions cruising at
a speedy 15 MPH in his sporty 1969 Ford Falcon. Honestly, I cannot help but
make a comparison in my mind between him and Pee Wee Herman (I detest that
little prick!) because they looked and acted exactly the same; the only
difference being that Pee Wee does it on purpose. In short, Bob was an ugly
mother-fucker, and probably a genetic reject. Infact, everyone in his family
was a genetically defected Bob clone!  But, he was generally harmless and so
everyone picked on the spud.  So one week, we decided we'd pull some cranks on
'ol Bob Retard and some people picked at random, just for phun.
                                                       __________________
                                                      |                  |
                                                      |    Be  alert!    |
                                                      | The  world needs |
*) First, we decided to send Bob a few pizza's        | all the lerts it |
(at his expense, of course!)  So we calmly called up  |     can get!     |
every pizza place we could find that delivered.       |__________________|
Rebel told 'em he was Bob and if they asked for a
phone number, he gave 'em Bob's, number that rang forever, or even a local
BBS's modem number (it doesn't really matter since they never call anyway).
We
ordered the same thing at every pizza place:  2 large pizza's with everything
on them and 3 large cokes (incase he got thirsty).  The bill was about $15 for
each order.  It must have been pretty surprising that every half hour a pizza
delivery car came to his house for a total of 8 large pizza's and 12 large
cokes!  Too bad none of the Vietnamese restaurants here deliver, or else we
could have sent him roast dog (yum!)

*) The next day, it occured to us that Bob had stayed in that house too long
(poor Bob never went anywhere), and that a trip somewhere (it didn't matter
where!  Anywhere!) would be his chance to get away from it all.  So we called
6
taxi services (we wanted to give him a variety) to come and pick him up at his
house and take him to the airport!  Then we decided he should have the choice
of going in style and luxury, so in addition, we called 2 limousine services
and arranged for a third to pick him up the next day (incase he missed the
opportunity the first time.)  The bill came to about $60 or so.
Unfortunately,
he didn't leave.  ________________________  I wonder if he got the clue?
                 |                        |
*) Rebel         |     Anarchy Rules!     | suggested the possibility that
Bob's house was  |________________________| infested with fleas and ticks
and maybe even termites.  So, just to be on the safe side, we called a termite
inspection company to come check out his house.  (We're so considerate, don't
you think?)  They said it would be $70 just to show up.  It seemed like a fair
price to us, so we (or rather, Bob) agreed and said we'd have a check ready.
Then we called the friendly neighborhood pest control and told them about
Bob's
flea and tick problem, and made an appointment a few days in advance for them
to put a tent (a fucking tent!) over his house and fumigate it.  It would cost
around $120.  When Bob was approached by the termite inspection guy, he told
him that he hadn't called him, that it was probably a practical joke (Bob's so
swift!) and turned him away, like he had the taxi's, the limo's and the pizza
delivery's.  Needless to say, they were all very pissed (and some were even
heard to utter some verbal execrations at Bob).

*) But, we weren't finished yet!  Bob's life was infinitely too boring (though
we never bothered to do an indepth study on just what it was he did for
'entertainment'), so we thought a brand new video recorder would be just the
thing.  We called up a local TV shop that also sold video recorders.  What
kind
would we get?  Nothing but the best for our buddy Bob!  Spare no expense!
Rebel
talked to the salesman and asked about the best VHS unit we could get - one
with remote control and 8 hour quality recording, 14 day programmable timer,
LED and digital display and all that kind of good shit.  That was the unit we
wanted - it would cost about $700.  After some more talking and an extra $50
fee, we convinced him to come over to Bob's and deliver it, C.O.D. in a few
hours.  Joking "do you guys accept cash?  Everyone's using Credit Cards these
days," made our story a little more credible.  Be calm, polite, sound a few
years older than you really are, and be able to B.S. your way through things
in
a jam, and that's the key.

*) Finally, about this time, we decided clumsy Bob had locked himself out of
his house (Oh, dear!)  So Rebel called 2 locksmiths (2 locksmiths is good for
effect) and told 'em he was Bob, calling from a neighbor's house and that he
had just locked himself out of his house.  We told 'em it was a deadbolt lock
and to bring the heavy equiptment.  Each locksmith would charge a $35 fee just
to show up, and extra to work the lock.  That was reasonable, and afterall,
poor Bob was locked out of his house and it was getting dark!  I bet they were
surprised to find Bob open the door and meet them!  I bet Bob was more
surprised to learn he had been locked out of his house!


*) We pulled a few more stunts on him that go without mentioning, like
ordering
a Garbage Truck to come pick up tree limbs and assorted refuse, and calling
another service to re-pave his driveway.  But, I'll save those exploits for
later.

At the end of the week-long terrorist spree, we added up the damage, and
compiled the following list (figures are approximated):

Quantity/Item                    Cost

8 Large Pizza's, 12 Large Cokes..$ 60
6 Taxi's, 3 Limo's...............$ 60
1 Termite Inspector..............$ 70
1 House Fumigation...............$120
1 Super Hi-Tech VCR..............$700
2 Locksmiths.....................$ 70

TOTAL = $1080

[Wow, a spiffy little chart like TIME magazine does!]

The Coupe De Grace:

     We rounded it off to an even $1100.  Then, we sent him an anonymous
letter
politely thanking him for participating in our 'gag', acknowledged
responsibility for the 'terrorist attacks' and presented the above list of
damages and the total.  And, enclosed in the letter was $1100 in Monopoly
money
(You can get 'em at TG&Y), in crisp new bills, that "should more than cover
the
damages." - Now that's classy!  Actually, Bob was too retarted to have been
pissed, but at least we inconvenienced the hell out of him!  Of course, he
didn't have to pay anything since he told everyone it was a gag, so no real
monetary damage was done.

Conclusion:

     I could cover many more pranks, but I'll save 'em for a later Volume
(afterall, there has to be a sequel!)  Be creative!  Strip-A-Grams are boring,
tacky, and unimaginative (more than once).  Looking in your Yellow Pages is
often a great help for coming up with ideas.  Mail order C.O.D. is always
good.
Anytime you see anything on TV or in a magazine that you can get C.O.D. go fer
it!  (To my knowledge, they don't require any ID or verification, other than
an
address). It doesn't matter if it's expensive, it'll all add up in the end.
"Ginsu: It slices, it dices, it can EVEN cut this 74 Datsun IN HALF and STILL
cut a watermelon!  But, that's not all..."  If you're in a hurry, send it
Express Air, Overnight Service or whatever.  And, in most cities and towns
there is a Senior Citizen grocery delivery service.  Old folks unable to get
down to the local VONS/SAFEWAY can order their groceries and pay for it when
they are delivered.  That one could be interesting!  Or, how about calling
your
local Cable Co. and cancelling someone's Expanded Cable Service?  Oops!  No
more HBO, PLAYBOY, CINEMAX, and the 30 odd other channels that person had!
Cancelling the entire cable service is not only suspicious, but more trouble
for you than it's worth.  [Thanks to Carol M. for the Cable idea].

     Look for the next editions of Anarchist Phone Pranks by The Krackartists:
"Bob plays Jeopardy", "Special Operator #337, may I help you please?" and
"RadioFunkSpiel".

This has been a Krackartist Presentation.
