                         YOU HACK 'EM, WE HUMP 'EM
                                    or
                   Why YOU Should Be a Software Courier

                            by Dixie Flatline
                     -=EMC=-/®VD¯/UltraTech Courier

        Hey, Binkie, yer sittin' there with a shit-eating grin on
your yawp and that brand-new HST from the Pieman dangling from
your com port. Only trouble is, you just logged onto Filez 'R' Us
and have the wrong end of a 3-to-1 transfer ratio staring you
right in the face -- and you ain't got dick-primary in new warez
you can upload at the moment.

        Sounds like _you_ need to become a courier for a cracking
group. "Jeez, I dunno, Dix.  Sounds like a lotta hard work," you
say.  Well f*ck, man, LIFE's hard work at times.  You probably
tore out your hair by the fistfuls trying to get that first modem
and Procomm to work back in the dark ages -- and now you've got a
half-meg Ymodem-G transfer whistling away at 14.4 kilobaud.  The
hard work's behind you!

9 REASONS WHY _YOU_ SHOULD BE HUMPING WAREZ
9) f*ck the software companies!
8) You get first crack (pun intended) at the newest programs.
7) f*ck the software companies!
6) You have a compelling reason to upload!  (Great for leeches
   like me.)
5) f*ck the software companies!
4) You can kiss many file ratios goodbye.  Good couriers usually
   get exempt status on the "home base" boards; you will
   _definitely_ wind up with some bodacious upload credit on the
   boards you hump to on a regular basis.
3) f*ck the software companies!
2) When you're a courier, women will pull up their skirts and ask
   you to play doctor.  (Unless you're a female courier, in which
   case change gender to "women," clothing to "pants," and
   direction to "down.")
   [Needless to say, this is just wishful thinking on my part.
   In the six months or so I've been schleppin' bytes, I have yet
   to be woken up at three AM by Mariah Carey pounding on the
   door and screaming, "Let me in, you bastard, before I come all
   over your doorknob!"]
1) f*ck the software companies!

THE BASIC TOOLS:
1) US Robotics Courier HST modem.  (Aptly named, you noticed.)
   It's not brutally expensive, it's faster than prunes through a
   duck, and 95% of the pirate boards out there are running it
   (or its rich-bitch cousin, the Dual Standard), so maximum
   throughput is, like, in the ag-bay.
2) Your favorite flavor of comm software, preferably one that
   supports both Zmodem and Ymodem-G batch-fers.  (And if it
   doesn't, well...that's why God invented Chuck Forsberg!)
3) A second job.  (Those LD charges can add up!)

WHAT MAKES A GOOD WAREZ RUNNER?
1) Call the "home base" BBS _daily_.  Make it the first thing you
   do (in conjunction with that first, kick-start-the-brain cup
   of java, of course), or the last thing (Letterman boring?
   Fire up Qmodem!). That's the only way you can catch the new
   releases -- you know, the ones that are SO new the ZIP
   comment's still damp...
2) PRIORITIZE.  Some distribution boards will give you a list of
   subsidiary BBS's that need the new stuff ASAP.  After that,
   throw it up wherever they've got the hard disk space.  But get
   it to the assigned boards FIRST!
3) Keep track of your work.  Right from the start, I began keeping
   stats on which boards get what warez -- as well as any boards
   that had it already.  (This refers both to couriers for rival
   groups, when two or more groups release the same program
   simultaneously, and casual cross-pollinators -- what I refer
   to as "the amateurz.") Periodically upload your stat reports
   to "home base," just to prove that you're really doing
   something with all the shit you're leeching in the name of
   "couriering!"  It's one thing to brag about all the boards
   you're getting the warez to, but when it's down there in black
   and white (or the ASCII equivalent thereof)...well, you know
   what they say about the vocal abilities of money, and the
   ambulatory powers of bullshit.

SO HOW DO I GET IN ON THE GOOD LIFE?
        Basically, keep your ears and eyes open.  Major groups
such as INC and The Humble Guys have periodic recruiting drives
for new couriers.  Alternately, new groups pop up every so often,
and they'd LOVE to have someone tote their latest bales for 'em.
(Me, I lucked out by being in the right place at the right time
when -=EMC=-, ®VD¯, and UltraTech were first looking for runners.
Hey, it could happen to you!)

Special thanks to SlaveLord @ UltraTech BBS, Bearman @ Vortex,
Father Time @ Inner City, Captain Tom @ Twin Peaks, and all the
other sysops who bore with me when I f*cked something up.

Remember, the shortest distance between two BBS's is a Flat Line!


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