RAW

Nicki Clarke 

Mirror mirror mirror - i misrecognise this body, i see  a monkey face and fat
thighs, i want to carve and slice and discard chunks of bleeding flesh. But
sometimes i catch sight of myself unexpectedly as i walk past a window and i
am struck by what a scarecrow i look - my chest bones showing and my clothes
hanging, refusing to hide the frailty of my frame. Yet my eyes are shining
and they say i'm looking good, they say i'm looking happy and that's kinda
true, but i'm also longing for the comfort and protection of my flesh, tho i
get a thrill seeing my jeans all loose around the waist and my legs look good
in fishnet and HEY
                   thin is better, thin is popular, thin gets the boys in
                   every time. RIGHT?

How i love being a woman coos the Warner's ad, but i hate being exploited is
the graffiti and yeah i love and hate this body of mine. I'm starving myself,
watching my breasts and hips disappear - you know i understand the hatred of
this body, this sexualised body, this packaged consumerproductbody that
exists for someone else's enjoyment, someone else's eye. Not mine.

I do not know my body. Sometimes i am struck by my beauty and am surprised,
and at other times  by my ugliness and just want to scream and cry and
throw myself against the walls and hurt myself, rip my skin away, claw and
peel this outer coating that people see and i feel THIS IS NOT ME, i scream
it with every pore Look look look at ME not my body.

     We become the refuse of this society because we're not buying amy.

LOOK AT ME. If i oozed blood and pus all over you would you see? Just what
do i have to do? To what extremes must we go? How far must we mutilate
ourselves in order for you to STOP stop seeling us via your products?

     i don't want it
     i won't buy it
     i am not a mannequin
     i am not a sex aid so don't masturbate over me, don't look to me to
find your gratification cos even if i wanted to i don't know how to give you
what you want.

When will this pain stop? i can't sit passively waiting - i roar and i
scream
      FUCK
          YOUR
              ECONOMY
                     FUCK 
                         YOUR
                             MARKET
where you're buying and selling our spirits. i'm not trading mine. i have
precious little in this world and you just can't have it. Haven't you
stolen enough from me, from the people i love?
     
     And the drugs and the death and the oblivion

i am not a show and tell girl unless you want to see it RAW  


Nicki Clarke 1996


