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                        APPENDIX D: AD&D COMEDY

                    FOR ADVANCED DUNGEONS & DRAGONS

                                   BY

                              DESMOND REID


             If all be true that I do think, There are five
            reasons we should drink; Good wine - a friend -
            or being dry - Or lest we should be by and by -
                        Or any other reason why.

                                                  -- Henry Aldrich

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                    @ COPYRIGHT 1993 by DESMOND REID

                              NOT FOR SALE

       The following appendix is the property of its author, who
    hereby states that he retains the copyright. You may distribute
    it at will, provided that nothing in the appendix, this notice,
       or any of the credits are altered in any way; and that you
                     do not make a profit from it.

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                           TABLE OF CONTENTS


Comedy Non-Weapon Proficiency
Standard Jokes
One-Liners
101 Spells Not Worth Memorizing
Funny Stories
Skits
Special Thanks

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                     COMEDY NON-WEAPON PROFICIENCY


# of Slots Required: 1
Relevant Ability: Charisma
Check Modifier: Special


     A character with this proficiency is an entertainer who tells
jokes, riddles and funny stories and/or performs various other comic
acts. The character can make anything funny, but DMs may require a
proficiency check to see if the audience responds well to the comedy or
not.
     When performing, the comedian can raise morale by 2 on a
successful proficiency check. A failed check lowers morale by 2. For
each failed check, a cumulative -1 modifier is assigned for this comedy
set. For each success check, a cumulative +1 modifier is assigned for
this comedy set.
     DMs may allow modifiers to the comedian's proficiency check. For
comedians who prepare well for a comedy routine (i.e. the player
prepares for a good role-playing session), the proficiency check is
modified by +1. Failure to prepare gives a modifier of -1. Intelligence
plays an important part in comedy. Knowing what the audience wants and
how to deliver it is important. On a successful Intelligence check,
a +1 modifier is applicable.
     On a roll of 20 the crowd tries to kill the comedian, or at least
throws him/her out. The comedy was that bad! On a roll of 1 the comedy
was so good that people are falling out of their chairs and rolling on
the floor.  The comedian might have to stop until people regain the
composure. The comedian will also gain a bonus modifier of +1d4 when
performing for this audience again.
     The audience must make a morale check after each joke or after the
entire performance (DM's decision). Usually, a tougher crowd requires
more morale checks. If the audience succeeds in a morale check, then
the audience will tolerate the comedian, for now. If the audience fails
a morale check, then the audience acts unfavorably, if not hostile,
towards the comedian. Note that alcohol effects the morale of the
audience. If the audience, in general, is slightly intoxicated the
morale is modified by +1. If the audience is moderately intoxicated the
morale is modified by +2. If the audience is greatly intoxicated the
morale is modified by +3.

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                             STANDARD JOKES


Q: What is 2 inches long, has 4 arms, 3 eyes and a really long toungue?
A: I dunno either, but it is on your shoulder !!!!


Q: What's the difference between a female half-orc and a party's
   healer?
A: You don't appreciate either until they go down

Q: What did the Red Dragon say to the Knight?
A: "Care to join me for lunch?"

Q: What did the Red Dragon think about the knight?
A: It was delicious!

Q: What do you get when you cut a Half-ling in half?
A: That easy a Quarterling.

Q: What do you throw a drowning dwarf?
A: His wife and kids.

Q: Why should you bind pixies with leather strips?
A: So they don't explode when you have sex with them!

Q: Why do gnomes have such big noses?
A: So they have somplace to keep their fingers.

Q. How do you get an Orc out of a tree?
A. Cut the rope.

Q. How do you keep a dwarf from drowning?
A: Take your foot of his head.

Q: What do a Nymph and a Turtle have in common?
A: If you get 'em on their backs, they're F***ed.

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                               ONE-LINERS


Take our cleric - please.

Cap'n Tim, I gotta go to the bathroom-where is the poop deck?

Is that a gold piece in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Is that a halbard in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Druids do it in the woods.

Rangers do it in the bushes.

Thieves do it in leather.

Assassins do it from behind.

Mages do it with their hands and mouth.

Clerics do it on the altar.

Ogres do it with stone clubs.

Paladins do it in their dreams.

Hobbits do it in a hole.

Basilisks do it with their eyes closed.

Vampires do it in the dark.

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                    101 SPELLS NOT WORTH MEMORIZING

                       The "Official" List, V0.9b

                        compiled by Bill Garrett


This list has been edited for spelling and content. Thanks to all who
contributed: Nathan Amed, Paul Brinkley, Jay Cherry, Jonathan Coolidge,
Joe Delisle, Nushae Siobhan Fahey, Curtis Frye, Bill Garrett, Larry
Keber, John Kochmar, Tim Larson, Jonathan Sivier, Brian Snoddy, Stefan
Thieme, and many others.


  1  Auditable Glamour
  2  Bigby's Groping Hand
  3  Bigby's Insulting Hand  (the second finger is rather prominent)
  4  Blind Self
  5  Break-Wind Wall
  6  Burning Hands (Yours, ouch)
  7  Charm Self
  8  Charm Undead (X rated version)
  9  Cone of bubbles
 10  Cure Light Winds
 11  Dalamar's Whoopee Cushion (things that make you go hmmmm)
 12  Darkness, 15 micron radius
 13  Deathwish
 14  Deeppocket Lint
 15  Delayed Blast Flatulence
 16  Deny Reality
 17  Detect Crying
 18  Detect Self (allows you to see if you are yourself)
 19  Detect Stikes and Spares
 20  Detect Wind
 21  Differentiate Without Error (Hey, you never know...)
 22  Dimension Doorknob
 23  Dispurse Self
 24  Evard's Black Growth  (range: 0)
 25  Explosive Familiar  (it's *your* familiar)
 26  Extension Cord I, II, and III
 27  Extinguish Match (casting time: 5 rounds)
 28  Find Acquaintance
 29  Find Floor  (somantic component: falling on face)
 30  Find Hand  (especially useful after casting Remove Hand)
 31  Fiscal Projection
 32  Heel
 33  Hold Self
 34  Hug Self
 35  Indirection  (address register postincrement)
 36  Insect Plague, 5' Radius
 37  Invisibility to Inanimate Objects.
 38  Irritate Self
 39  Kooshball
 40  Legend Lore, Extended Dance Mix
 41  Leomund's Mortgaged Shelter
 42  Leomund's Sturdy Music Box
 43  Level Water
 44  Lightning Blot
 45  Locate Self  (tells you where you are, relative to your location)
 46  Magic Boomeranging Missile (hit that 1st level mage for 1d4+1)
 47  Magic Missal
 48  Magic Shotglass (as opposed to Magic Jar)
 49  Melf's Acid Bow
 50  Memorize Spell
 51  Micrometeorite Storm
 52  Mordenkainen's Agnostic Hound
 53  Mordenkainen's Faithful Mosquito
 54  Muenster Summoning I-VII
 55  Nystul's Undetectible Aura
 56  Otto's Irresistible Disco-Duck
 57  Pastel Blade of Warm Fuzzies (9th level drow spell)
 58  Plane XOR
 59  Power Word, Smirk
 60  Protection from Catnips
 61  Protection from Elvis, 10' Radius
 62  Protection from Halitosis
 63  Protection from Normal Air
 64  Protection from Normal Missals
 65  Protection from Normal Pillows
 66  Protection from Self
 67  Protection from Weevil
 68  Putrefy Offal
 69  Rary's Mnemonic Device--makes silly acronyms out of things
 70  Remove Hand (yours)
 71  Remove Self
 72  Reservation
 73  Sheepskin
 74  Shocking Gasp  (usually follows Tenser's Shocking Suggestion)
 75  Summon Self
 76  Tasha's Controllable Mildly Unpleasant Laughter
 77  Tasha's Uncontrollable Bladder
 78  Tasha's Uncontrollable Flatulence
 79  Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Hand
 80  Teleport Without Destination
 81  Tenser's Formatted Disk
 82  Tenser's Shocking Suggestion
 83  Tenser's Slipped Disk
 84  This Space for Rent (fills up space on in mage's memory)
 85  Time Start
 86  Tons
 87  Transmute RGB to HSV
 88  Transmute Rock to Stone (reversible)
 89  Transmute ashes to ashes, dust to dust  (priest spell)
 90  Unscented Cloud
 91  Vampiric Breathing  (perfect for harassing phone calls)
 92  Walk
 93  Wall of Paper
 94  Wall of Velcro
 95  Wizard Lick

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                             FUNNY STORIES


Red Dragon

A weak voiced barbarian just got fried by a old, red dragon. He says to
the dragon, "No...... I meant a Bud Light".


Norse Gods

     The mighty god Thor sat in his hall in Asgard, bored by his godly
duties, and decided it was time for a vacation. He grabbed Mjolnir,
snuck out the back, crossed the Rainbow bridge, and wound up in
Midgard. He did his best to look and act like a mortal. He did some
drinking and carousing, he won a few wrestling matches, and finally he
found the most beautiful virgin peasant girl to bed. Well, needless to
say, she was in for a real treat. They went at it most of the night
until she finally passed out from exhaustion, but, as Thor was pleased
to see, with a smile on her face. When she finally woke up, the god of
thunder was feeling pretty guilty. He realized that he used his godly
charms to woo this innocent young woman, and now she had to go through
life frustrated because no mere mortal would be able to satisfy her.
He decide to confess.
     "Milady," he bagan, "I fear that I have done you an injustice.
You see, I am Thor."
     She looked up at him with her big brown eyes and said matter of
factly, "You think you're Thor, I can hardly pith."


Clerics and their Weapons

     Brother Drewfius and Brother Tyronius got into an argument over a
difference in theological interpretation. They had never gotten along,
and within a few minutes the argument had turned into a fight. They
started out exchanging punches but soon they each had a weapon in hand.
Just then, Brother Francis comes into the room and says "Brothers, stop
this at once; this fight is pointless."
     "It better be," said Tyronius, "We're both Clerics."


A Monk and a Leap of Faith

     The Grandmaster of Flowers, Grandfather of Assassins, His Holy
General Priest of Tyr (or some other lawful good god), and the King of
Corymr were talking. They ended up in an argument about whose followers
were the toughest and most obedient. They all decided to find the best
of their best and hold a tournament to see whos was most loyal. Each of
the four tried and tested their followers to see who was the most
powerful and most loyal.
     At last they were all ready to compete. They met at the edge of a
cliff. At the bottom of the 50' drop was a lake and in the lake were
poisonous snakes, piranhas, and a dragon turtle. The only way out
was to swim 200 yards across the lake, onto an island. The island was
covered with lizard men and trolls. After passing through them, the
followers would then have to enter a cave that led through a red
dragons lair and would finally allow them to exit back near where they
started.
     Looking at his Royal Knight, the King of Cormyr said "Sir Knight,
for the honor and glory of the kingdom I want you to cross that lake,
and return here through the cave." Looking over the scene, the knight
replied "I am sorry my lord, but that is sure death. I cannot do it."
     Smiling, the Priest of Tyr turned to his paladin and said "You are
the might of Tyr, most loyal and trust worthy follower. You know the
task, accomplish it and receive the blessing of our Patron." Shaking
his head slowly, the Paladin replied "I cannot do what you ask."
     The same thing happened when the Grandfather of assassins tried to
send his man over the cliff.
     The Grandmaster of Flowers turned to his follower and said simply
"Do it."  Without so much as batting an eye, the Monk dove off the
cliff and into the  water. In a flash he was across the lake and
entering the jungles on the island. As the group waited in
anticipation, the heard a distant roar and flames came licking out the
end of the cave. Shortly there after the brave young monk came running
out, burned, battered and bleeding, but alive.
     The Grandfather ran over and hugged the young monk. "Son" he said,
"Truly you are the pride of all of the monastery. Ask for anything,
anything at all and it is yours."
     "All I want" he replied, "is to find out who the son-of-a-bitch
was that pushed me...."


Fishin'

     A priest, a paladin and a thief are on a boat on a lake fishing.
The priest gets up and says, "Excuse me, I have to go relieve myself"
and procedes to walk across the water to the woods, and comes back to
the boat. A little while later the paladin says, "I, too, need to
relieve myself" and proceeds to walk across the water to the woods and
back. Still later, the thief says, "Well, I guess it's my turn." He
gets out of the boat and sinks to the bottom of the lake. The priest
turns to the Paladin and says, "Do you think we should have shown them
where the ricks are?"


Paladins

     Upon discovery of the local assassin's guild our faithful, loyal,
rightous, holy, brave and snooty paladin of Tyr bursts through the door
and BrightButt says "I am BrightButt, faithful, loyal, rightous, holy,
brave and snooty paladin of Tyr, and I know what evil this place holds
and I know I must destroy it and I ARRGGHHHHHHHHH..."
       "You know what a crossbow bolt feels like in the back of your
head." says a guildmember as the paladin falls to the floor.

     BrightPeter, loyal, rightous, faithful, brave, (and secretly
horny) paladin of Tyr talks to his patron priest about a problem he's
been having. It seems as if BrightPeter has been waking up in his
white, clean, pure bed with soiled underware and remembers a dream
about one of the nuns he was... having. He tells his patron priest and
the priest gives him a small task of attonement and some advice. "Tyr
wants his warriors not to be wieghted down by impure thoughts and
wayward sperm, so my son to aid yourself, you should.. um.. you could..
I mean if you would.. well.. relieve yourself."
     BrightPeter is obviously puzzled. "Spank your Monkey
BrightPeter!!" He replies "I will know when to call for my warhorse but
at what level can one call for his monkey? this is a temperate zone,
and monkeys are non-migratery." The priest leaves disgusted and
BrightPeter was never heard from again. It was said he left BrightTown
for the jungles of South America, something about monkeys.

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                                 SKITS


The Top Ten Ways to Tell if You are a Lich

10. You get more then dandruff flakes when you scratch your head.

9.  The entrance way to your tower has a foot of dust in it, and you
    didn't sneeze when you cleaned it up.

8.  You don't tan anymore, but your skin still flakes, in large chunks.

7.  Your eyeballs fell out, and yet you can still see.

6.  You stopped getting junk mail.

5.  Young kids keep drawing caskets in the sand outside your tower.

4.  The nearby city keeps sending priests to 'talk' with you.

3.  The great-grandson of your first elven friend comes to visit asking
    if you can help with old age pains.

2.  Your familiar starts avoiding you.

...and the number 1 way to tell if you are a lich.....

You realize you haven't eaten, slept or had a drink in the past decade.


Beer Vs. Cucumbers

Reasons Why Beer is Better than Cucumbers:

- You can't get drunk, no matter how many cucumbers you eat.
- Beer bottles don't get sprayed with pesticides.
- Beer bottles don't shrivel up and grow mouldy if you leave them in
  the fridge for a month.
- Beer is always in season.
- Beer removes unsightly flab and wrinkles (on the person you're
  looking at, if you drink enough of it).
- Eating cucumbers to forget doesn't work.

Reasons Why Cucumbers are Better than Beer:

- Cucumbers won't give you a hangover.
- Cucumbers have fewer calories.
- Your wife won't complain about you sitting around all day watching TV
  and eating cucumbers.
- You can grow your own cucumbers without buying lots of equipment.
- Your wife won't complain that your breath stinks of cucumbers.
- You can eat as many cucumbers as you like, and drive home later.
- You can open a cucumber using only your teeth.
- Having your face slashed with a cucumber doesn't hurt (much).
- You can eat the whole cucumber, skin 'n' all.
- A cucumber won't shatter if you drop it on the ground.
- You can shake up a cucumber, and it won't explode when you bite it.
- You don't have to worry about getting cucumber stains on your
  clothes.


SNL Parady

Interviewer: I'm here with Cajun Man, who is going to be fighting a
dragon tomorrow. Can you tell me what you're feeling?
Cajun Man: AnticipaSHUN.
Interviewer: You've earned quite a reputation for yourself, especially
after stopping an insane mage. Was it ever discovered what drove him
mad?
Cajun Man: Demonic possesSHUN.
Interviewer: That does it to me every time. Tell me, why are you going
after this particular dragon?
Cajun Man:  DestrucSHUN.
Interviewer: That's right, this big fella successfully destroyed 5
cities.
Cajun Man: CorrecSHUN.
Interviewer: Sorry, it was 6 cities. Cajun Man, do you have any tricks
up your sleeve?
Cajun Man: Eyes of PetrificaSHUN.
Interviewer: Is there anything you'd like to take, if you could buy it?
Cajun Man: Sphere of AnnihilaSHUN.
Interviewer: Any spells your mages will be putting on you?
Cajun Man: Non-DetecSHUN.
Interviewer: Isn't that being a little over cautious? What's the worst
that could happen?
Cajun Man: DecapitaSHUN. EvisceraSHUN.
Interviewer: I guees you've got me there. How do you think the battle
will be won?
Cajun Man: Divine intervenSHUN.
Interviewer: A little pessimistic, aren't we? Well, do you have any
last requests in case the worst does happen?
Cajun Man: ResurrecSHUN.

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                             SPECIAL THANKS


The following people made contributions to this document:
Ronald "Greymoon" Jones (JONESRD%SJSUVM1.BITNET@CMSA.BERKELEY.EDU)
Charles Emmons (CHARLES@TINMAN.DEV.PRODIGY.COM)
Hellbane (C9108613@CC.NEWCASTLE.EDU.AU)
Joe Delisle (JDELISLE@LOYALA.EDU)
Dengin Vaughn (U211709%HNYKUN11.BITNET@HEARN.NIC.SURFNET.NL)
Auther Maldonado (5667@EF.GC.MARICOPA.EDU)
Robin F. Righettini (RFR@CX1GPX.LORD.COM)
SHROUD (DWHARRIS@IUS.INDIANA.EDU)
Pat (PHAL@PICA.ARMY.MIL)
Roderic de Bruce (ARAGORN@VAX1.MANKATO.MSUS.EDU)
Auther Maldonado (5667@EF.GC.MARICOPA.EDU)
(RWERNING@PONZA.QGRAPH.COM)
(ROSS@LCLARK.EDU)
Ryan Biggs (C9108613@CC.NEWCASTLE.EDU.AU)

Bill Garrett (WGARRETT@CS.UNC.EDU) University of North Carolina who
created the "101 Spells Not Worth Memorizing".

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