                                 D A R K
                     Rewritten by The Quantum Mechanic
                              (author unknown)

    For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, 
    recent information has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, 
    they suck dark. Thus we call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker 
    theory proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier that that 
    of light, and that dark is faster than light.  

    The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take 
    for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is much 
    less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark 
    sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking 
    lot have a muck greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all 
    things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they 
    can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark 
    sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white 
    wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, 
    representing all of the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a 
    pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black 
    because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. 
    Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. 
    There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all 
    of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When 
    the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced 
    before the portable dark sucker can operate again.  

    Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass 
    generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. 
    Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel into a solid 
    wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of 
    heat, Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is 
    also heavier than light. If you swim just below the surface of a lake, you 
    see a lot of light. If you slowly swim deeper and deeper, you notice it 
    getting slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately 
    fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark 
    sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. 
    The immense power of dark can be utilized to man's advantage. We can 
    collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it 
    through turbines, which generates electricity and helps push the dark to 
    the ocean, where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much 
    more difficult to get the dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The 
    Indians recognized this problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in 
    a canoe travelling in the same direction as the flow of dark, they paddled 
    slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark; but when they travelled 
    against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly, so as to help push the 
    dark along its way.  

    Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to 
    stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then 
    slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the 
    closet; but since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark 
    leave the closet.  

    In conclusion, I would like to say that dark suckers make all of our lives 
    much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb, remember that 
    it is indeed a dark sucker.
