From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Rich Kulawiec)
Date: 13 Oct 93 04:00:24 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv,alt.tv.mst3k,rec.answers,alt.answers,news.answers
Subject: Mystery Science Theater 3000 Songs

Archive-name: tv/mst3k/songs
Version: "$Header: Songs,v 1.4 93/03/14 18:03:08 rsk Exp $"

This list was compiled by Lisa Jenkins (jenkins@mhd1.moorhead.msus.edu),
with help from various folks as noted below.  I've done a sort-and-merge
on it to produce this version.

The following is a list of songs in the experiments, listed by season,
production number and experiment name.  Note that the production numbers used
in the Comedy Channel 1989/90 season are from Best Brains' Experiment Guide
and do not reflect the actual order the episodes were aired.

All songs were originally found in the Satellite of Love Newsletter (SOLN)
or on the USENET newsgroup alt.tv.mst3k.


Theme songs
-----------

"Love Theme from Mystery Science Theatre [sic] 3000"
from opening of _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ on KTMA TV23.
Lyrics: Joel Hodgson and Josh Weinstein
Music: Charles Erickson and Joel Hodgson


[Sung by "Joel and the Joels."]

In the not-too-distant future--
Next Sunday, A.D.--
There was a guy named Joel,
Not too different than you or me.
He worked in a satellite loading bay,
Just polishing switches to pay his way;
He did his job well with a cheerful face,
But his bosses didn't like him
So they shot him into space.

We'll send him cheesy movies,
The worst ever made.
Joel says when you got lemons,
You make lemonade.
Now keep in mind he can't control
When the movies begin or end,
Because he used the extra parts
To make his robot friends.

Robot roll-call--
Cambot
Servo
Gypsy
Crow!

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts,
Just repeat to yourself it's just a show,
I should really just relax
For Mystery Science Theater 3000.


-----------

"Love Theme from Mystery Science Theatre [sic]"
from opening of _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ on The Comedy Channel and
Comedy Central.

Lyrics: Joel Hodgson and Josh Weinstein
Music: Charles Erickson and Joel Hodgson


[Sung by "Joel and the Joels."]

In the not-too-distant future--
Next Sunday A.D.--
There was a guy named Joel,
Not too different from you or me.
He worked at Gizmonic Institute,
Just another face in a red jumpsuit.
He did a good job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses didn't like him
So they shot him into space.

We'll send him cheesy movies,
The worst we can find (la-la-la).
He'll have to sit and watch them all,
And we'll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Joel can't control
Where the movies begin or end (la-la-la)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends.

Robot Roll Call:  (Let's go!)
Cambot!  (Pan left!)
Gypsy!  (Hi, girl!)
Tom Servo!  (What a cool guy!)
Croooow!  (What a wisecracker!)

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
and other science facts (la la la),
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show,
I should really just relax
For Mystery Science Theater 3000!"

KTMA TV23 1988/1989 season
--------------------------

January 1989 SST Death Flight
"Death Flight Song" (before show)
"Banana Boat Song"

May 7, 1989 The Million Eyes of Su-Muru
"Love Theme"

Comedy Channel 1989/90 season
-----------------------------

103 Mad Monster (Commando Cody part 2)
"Beverly Hillbillies Parody" (in movie)

[In theater:]

SERVO: Come'n listen to a story about a man named Jed,
      A poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed,
      Then one day he was shootin' at some fooooooood--

JOEL:  And up from the swamp came a big ugly dude.

SERVO: Wolfman, that is.
      Black teeth.
      [] face.

      Well, the next thing you know, old Jed's really scared.
      The kin folks said, "Jed, get away from there!"
      Said, "My cabin is the place you outta be,"
      So he loaded up his drawers and he told his family.


Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.

104 Women of the Prehistoric Planet
"Clay & Lar's Flesh Barn"

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: Hey, sirs.  Uh, wha--what's up?

[In Deep 13:]

LARRY:  Our income if this new gig works out.

DR. FORRESTER: Yes.  Larry and I have developed a new chain of fast food
restaurants with very low overhead because we don't cook our food.

LARRY: 'Cause frying and broiling takes out a lot of the neutrients.

DR. FORRESTER: Yes.  Uh, if your body likes another body, why don't you try
one of our burgers a la natrale?  It's, uh, ripped from the bone to your plate
in seconds.  It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn.  Ha, ha.  Uh, make with the
lyrics, Larry.  [picks up model of Flesh Barn]

LARRY: [brings out guitar]
      If you're tired of the same old fare,
      You've got a friend named Clay and Lar.
      All our meat is guaranteed rare
      Because we don't cook it!

DR. FORRESTER: You see, cooking takes out all the flavor.

LARRY: If you're tired of cookin' at home,
      Try our meat right off the bone.
      If you listen, you can hear it moan
      Because we don't cook it!

DR. FORRESTER: Stunned, killed right at your table, eviscerated, very fresh.

LARRY: Now, there's no need for you to drive through,
      Our fresh meat will walk out to you.
      You'll say hi, you'll say moo,
      It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn.

DR. FORRESTER: Fifteen locations to serve you, now in Altoona.


Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.

109 Project Moonbase (Commando Cody parts 7 & 8)
"Commando Cody Song"

[In theater:]

SERVO: You are watching Commando Cody
      And it's a new character from Republic.
      He gets in trouble every week
      But he's saved by editing.

      Just a tweak of the nipple sends him on his way
      A pumpkin head and a rocket-pack, he'll save the day.

JOEL:  His laboratory is a boxing ring.
      When bad guys come to mix it up,
      Somebody always gets kidnapped,
      And Cody has to fix it up.

      He drinks his tea at Al's cafe'
      And flies along on wires.
      He beats up crooks and flies with hooks
      And puts out forest fires.

CROW:  Bad guys beware, Cody is there.
      You'll like his hair, it's under his helmet 'cause we couldn't
        think of a good rhyme
      And that's the end of the Commando Cody theme song,
      So sit right back (and) with a will of granite
      And watch chapter 8 "The Enemy Planet."

Transcribed by Lynn-Anne Friese.

110 Robot Holocaust (Commando Cody part 9)
"Human"


Comedy Channel/Central 1990/91 season
-------------------------------------

202 The Sidehackers
"Sidehackin'"

Music:  The Brains

[On the satellite:]

[Crow is on guitar, Servo has drums]

JOEL: [carries in Ultamate blue screen] All right, well.  We've gotta really
neat treat for you guys.  We worked on some heavy charts about sidehackin'.
Cambot, I want you to run that race footage in there?  On the, uh, Chromakey.
Okay, you guys--vamp.

[music starts]

JOEL: Yeah, I'm trapped up in outer space.  Sometimes my life feels like a big
pile of nothin'.  So what?  Word.  I live with it.  Dig it.  But anyway, we
[sic] and my bloods would like to wail out a song about our friends, the
sidehackers.  Goes like this:

SERVO: 1, 2.  1, 2, 3, 4.

JOEL: [sings]
     Sidehackin' is the thing to do
     When it doesn't hurt to have a low IQ.
     Take a life you like and a little love.
     The big band prize is twenty-five bucks.
     Sidehackin'll quench your danger thirst
     The stupid ones always seem to come in first, yeah.

     Sidehackin' is one big bash;
     The favorite sport of cheap white trash.
     When you're on your sidehack, make sure you don't slip;
     You'll end up with five metal pins in your hip.
     Lean way back 'til you scrape your butt;
     Make it look like a quarter-pound of ground chuck, yeah.

Oh, sidehack it, Crow!

[music breakdown]

SERVO: Whoo!  Oh, go, Crow!

JOEL: It's a sport that attracts a lot of racing fools.
     A lot of people get hurt 'cause there are no rules.
     All you need is a toxic landfill,
     A cycle and a sidecar and an urge to kill.
     Better get with the sport 'cause it won't last long;
     The founders of this sport are at Forest Lawn.

Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins, with help from Mitch Gelly and Dave Harris.


"Love Pads the Film"

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: [carries in keyboard] Oh, brother!

SERVO: Boy!  What a depressing film!

CROW: Yeah!  Talk about nihilism.  That's the second film in a row that had the
hero die in the end.

SERVO: Boy, we're never gonna snap outa this existential dilemma.

JOEL: [begins to to play keyboard]  Oh, I was afriad this would happen, so I
brought this thing along.

SERVO: Joel, why was the movie so *BAD*?!

CROW: Yeah!  It was cool in the beginning with the sidehacking, then it went
right down the drain and they had to pad out the rest of the film with all
that killing.

JOEL: Oh, no, Crow.  It wasn't killing that padded out the film.

CROW: Huh?

JOEL: Only love pads the film.

[sings]

     When stories were young
     And dreams were not done
     A sorrow was so far away.
     A storybook scene
     With songs to be sung
     And life--life was just for today.

SERVO: Oh, Joel!

JOEL: But nothing lasts forever.
     Only love pads the film.
     Of all the dreams you'll treasure
     Only love--love pads the film.

SERVO: Joel, may I?

JOEL: Please.

SERVO: [sings]
     The love that you made
     Were two hearts in one.
     Our flowers still blow in the wind.

Crow.

CROW: You give all you take--
     A day in the sun--
     But even the sun must descend.

JOEL: Everybody, now.  Come on.

CROW: Ta-da!

ALL: But nothing lasts forever.

GYPSY: Forever.

ALL: Only love--

GYPSY: Only love--

ALL: --pads the film.

GYPSY: --pads the film.

ALL: Of all the dreams you've treasured--

GYPSY: Treasured--

ALL: Only love--

GYPSY: Only love--

ALL: --love pads the film.

GYPSY: --pads the film.

SERVO: Oh, Gyps--

JOEL: We may--the scientists are calling
     And now we'd better get going.


Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.


204 Catalina Caper
"Creepy Girl"

Lyrics:  The Brains
Music:  Michael J. Nelson

[On the satellite:]

[Servo watches a picture of Creepy Girl on the TV as Joel and Crow enter]

SERVO: [sobs]  Creepy Girl.  [sniff]  Oh, Creepy Girl, little--Creepy Girl.
Boo hoo hoo hoo.

JOEL: Geez.  What's wrong, Tom Servo?  You look as upset and downtrodden as a
little robot with inarticulate limbs *CAN* look.

SERVO: Oh, it's Creepy Girl, Joel.  I just met a girl named Creepy Girl.  And
suddenly, I find--

[music starts, lights dim]

CROW: I smell a song comin' on!

SERVO: Boo hoo hoo!  Oh, Creepy Girl.

[sings]

      Lyle Waggoner's a total jerk,
      second only to Tommy Kirk.
      Could you find it in your heart
      to love a 'bot like me-hee-heee?
      That fishy story you tell
      always makes me slee-hee-pyy,
      but that's just what I get
      for dating a girl that's cree-hee-pyyy!
      My Cree-hee-py Gir-hirl!

[spoken]

Oh, "C" is for that feeling of uncertainty for not quite knowing what ethnic
group you're from.  "R" is for the gifts you give me every time you smile.
The first "E" is for--uh, well, I don't really know.  But the second "E" is
really a grammatical thing 'cause otherwise it would be "Crepy Girl," and
where would that leave us?  The "P" is definitely not for "platonic."  And
"Y?"  Because I love you!

[sings]

      My-hyyyyy--!
      Cree-hee-py Gir-hirl!

[spoken]

Oh, what are you Creepy Girl?  Are you French, Italian, or one of those
swarthy Gypsy-types?  Haha.  Well, you're accent suggests a romance language,
but I can't be sure.  Oh, we can definitely rule out a Germanic language.  But
it's okay!  I am a 'bot without a country.  All I know is that I love you!  I
want to shout it from the mountain tops!  Uh, but, I'd have to get back down
to Earth and actually *CLIMB* a mountain.  Or they could just drop me off on a
mountain.  I don't care!  That would be okay, because I just--need--*YOU*!

[sings]

      My-yyyy. . . Cree-hee-py Gir-hirl!
      Won't you be mi-hee-hiiine?!
      I'll give you scrolls and fish
      and tinker-toys and wi-hee-hiiine!
      I'll ditch these guys
      if you'll be myyy Cree-hee-py Gir-HIRL!
      Be-hee mi-hine before
      moo-hoo-vie si-i-i-i-i--hi-i-i-i-i-ign!
      Whooo hoo yoooo hooo!


Transcribed by J.D. Shull and Lisa Jenkins.

206 Ring of Terror (Phantom Creeps part 3--appears *after* movie)
"If Chauffeurs Ruled the World"

Lyrics:  Frank Conniff
Music:  Michael J. Nelson


[On the satellite:]

JOEL: Man, that was such an ordeal.  What a cruel trick, making us watch a
whole other movie again.

CROW: Yeah, with each episode that Phantom Creeps gets more and more
*RIDICULOUS*!

SERVO: Yeah, I know.  Who did that chauffeur think he was, thinking he could
rule the world?

CROW: Yeah!

[In Deep 13:]

FRANK: Hey, it wasn't my fault that we showed that Phantom Creep at the end.
Dr. Forrester calls all the shots around here.  If you ask me, that chauffeur
had the right idea.  As a matter of fact, I prepared a little number:

[Spotlight on Frank who gets out of cardboard limo and dons chauffeur hat and
white gloves.  Dr. Forrester "sits" in back of limo reading paper.]

FRANK: If chauffeurs ruled the world--
      it's what I'd like to see
      'cause everyone in the world
      would take a back seat to me.
      I wouldn't have to drive--
      I wouldn't have to steer--
      'cause all would bow down before me
      in total abject fear.
      All the gorgeous dames
      would worship at my feet!
      Why--I could have any one of them I want!
      Even Meryl Steep!
      I'd have complete respect
      of everyone on the planet
      including intellectuals,
      even Daved Mamet.

[Frank dusts off cardboard car and Dr. Forrester who gets angry at this.]

FRANK: Tell me, why do I have to take
      orders from this guy?
      I'd like to drop him a bucket of boiling grease
      and watch him slowly die.

DR. FORRESTER: That's enough, Frank.

FRANK: If chauffeurs ruled the world--

DR. FORRESTER: That's enough, Frank!  *FRANK!*  [Picks up cardboard limo and
dumps it over Frank's head.]

FRANK: --is what I'd like to see--

DR. FORRESTER: That's enough!

FRANK: --'cause everyone in the world
      would take a back seat to me--Mommy!

[Dr. Forrester dumps newspaper on top of Frank.]

DR. FORRESTER: That's enough, Frank.

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: We think your song is--

ALL: --*FABULOUS!*

[In Deep 13:]

FRANK: [choked with tears]
      If chauffeurs ruled the world,
      it's what I'd like to see,
      but I guess some other palooka will rule the world
      [snorts with tears]
      No, not me.

DR. FORRESTER: Push the button, Judy Garland.  [Frank sobs with tears.]  Push
the button, Frank.

FRANK: Do you think the ACE Awards people are watching this?

DR. FORRESTER: Oh, for crying out loud!  [pushes button]


Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins, with more stuff from Dave Harris.

207 Wild Rebels
"Wild Rebels Cereal"

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: We'll be back after this important message.  Let's go!

SERVO: Get the box, you ready?  Cue!

JOEL: *HEY KIDS!*

[music starts]

SERVO: Yeehoo!

CROW: Whoo!

SERVO: 1, 2.  1, 2, 3.

ALL: We're Wild Rebels!
    Crunchy, fruity, rebels!
    Pouring milk on them is like shooting off a gun.

JOEL: It's Wild Rebels cereal, the nutritious cereal that's like getting hit
in the back of the head with a surf board of flavor.

SERVO: Look!  Marshmallow Fatties!

CROW: Sugary Lindas!

JOEL: I got tangy, twangy Banjos!

SERVO: Crunchy Oat Rods!

CROW: And cheaters too--  Die cheater *DIE*!!

[music stops]

MOM: Kids?  What are you doing in there?

ALL: Having a good breakfast, Mom!

[music starts]

SERVO: Pour on the milk!  1, 2.  1, 2, 3, 4.

ALL: Wild Rebels!
    Punchy, crunchy rebels!
    Don't bust your teeth on something sweet and hard!

JOEL: Wild Rebels cereal part of this complete breakfast.

CROW: Hey!  There's a cheap surprise inside!

JOEL: I got a gun!

SERVO: I got a sawed off pool cue with a leather strap!

CROW: I got a chunck of hose filled with lead shot!

SERVO: Awright!  Let's take it home!

ALL: They won't get soft or squishy.
    Better eat 'em or you're a sissy.
    Just pound 'em down you stupid clown--
    THEY'RE WILD....!!!!

JOEL: Wild Rebels cereal, just eat 'em.

ALL: Oh!  We got movie sign!

[In theater:]

JOEL: Wow, fruity, kookie rebels

SERVO: Umm hmmm, nutty.


Transcribed by Johnny Klonaris and Lisa Jenkins.

210 King Dinosaur (X Marks The Spot)
"Joey the Lemur"

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: I wrote a song and sketch about the lemur.

SERVO: All right.  [clears throat]
      It's Joey the Lemur, the friend to mankind,
      Our furry sort of monkey friend who really does shine.  Hey!

JOEL: Joey the Lemur, he's really fun to have around to huggle and talk to
       and fun fun fun!

CROW: Joey the Lemur, he'll run everywhere.
     Joey the Lemur, what kind of heck of animal is he anyway?
     Umh uh...Joey the Lemur, the kind of animal that would go to the
       bathroom anywhere.
     Joey--

JOEL: Wait a minute, hold it!

CROW: Huh?

JOEL: Just hold it.

CROW: But there's more!

SERVO: Hey!

JOEL: That's okay.

CROW: Oh.

JOEL: This is the lemur.  Native to the Philippines and Madagascar, uh...and
fictional planets like Nova.  Uh...he is a clean, gregarious, and good pet.

JOEL: [as lemur] You said it, pal!  Oh boy, pal of mine, you're the one for
me!

SERVO: Uh oh, Joel's swinging into his puppet routine!

JOEL: [as lemur] Hey!  Can it, fireplug!  I've had enough out of you!

SERVO: Joey--

JOEL: [as lemur] I've got a story to tell.

SERVO: --the Lemur, he'll say what he thinks

JOEL: [as lemur] Oh boy, will I ever, I'll carry on like a Gilbert Gottfried
of the animal world, I don't mind telling you.  You know, I'm the clown prince
of the primate world who's often uh, who's often mistaken for our friend the
chimpanzee.  But don't make any mistake, I'm not saying anything wrong about
our chimpanzee brethren, only that I wish--here's wishing they'd throw a
little more work our way, all right?

CROW: Lemur, the lemur, L-E-M-U-R.  Uh, I--hey!

JOEL: [as lemur] Hey, who's this bird-dog-thing, I don't like him!

SERVO: L is for LEMUR!

JOEL: [as lemur] L is for lemur, 'nuff said!

CROW: E is for EAT!

JOEL: [as lemur] E is for eat.  I eat four times my own weight in nuts and
berries, which has its consequences, but go figure!

CROW: M is for MONKEY!

JOEL: [as lemur] Monkey.  I'm often mistaken for a monkey.  It goes with the
turf.  Let's go!

SERVO: U is for UNUSUAL!

CROW: And UNPREDICTABLE!

JOEL: [as lemur] Unpredictable is right!  I once took a whiz on Johnny
Carson's sportcoat--I don't panel well.  Okay, on with the show!

SERVO: R is for RADICAL!

CROW: And RAMBUNCTIOUS!

JOEL: [as lemur] Randy as a jackrabbit, that's me alright!  Whoooooo!

SERVO: Yes, it's the splendiferous lemur....

CROW: ...friend to all mankind!

JOEL: [as lemur] Please consider me as a possible corporate symbol or mascot
suitable and fine for any professional or semi-professional sport team.

CROW and SERVO: It's the (CROW: magnificent/SERVO: splendiferous) *LEEEMURRR*!

JOEL: [as lemur] I, the lemur, beg you to consider me.  I am willing to travel
and would make an excellent companion to any elderly or unelderly...elderly
person.  Gentlemen, please consider me.  Thank you.  Won't you?  Thank you.


Transcribed by Ryan Franklin, Jason Corley and Lisa Jenkins.

212 Godzilla vs. Megalon
"Jet Jaguar Fight"

213 Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
"Godzilla Geneaology Bop"

[In the satellite:]

CROW: Joel?

JOEL: Yeah.

CROW: Joel!  Jo--

JOEL: Uh, over here, yeah.

CROW: Oh, there you are.  Uh, I'm confused.  Uh, Just who is this Godzilla
guy?

SERVO: Yes, wise one.  Please, teach us.

JOEL: I don't know if you're ready for this.

SERVO: [at same time as Crow] Oh, please Mr. Joel.  Please!  Come on.  Please!
Please!  Please!  Please!  Please!

CROW: [at same time as Servo] Oh, please!  Please!  Pleeeeease!

JOEL: Okay, my little robot friends, but we only pass this way once.  This is
called the "Godzilla Geneaology Bop."  Would you hit it, Professor Cambot?

[music starts]

In order to know Godzilla, we've got to look into his past.

CROW: You know studying geneaology is gonna be a blast.

JOEL: Ah, you've got it little robot pal, we're swinging into high.

SERVO: Come on, let's cut to the chase you couple of geeks, and get to the
family tree!

CROW: Huh?

JOEL: Well, it started with a nuclear blast and pets that were released.

SERVO: Oh, like--

SERVO and CROW: --baby alligators and other nasty beasts?

JOEL: Right. The fusion reaction caused them to grow a thousand times their
size.

SERVO: Oh.

CROW: Well, that explains Godzilla's attractive tail and thunderous thighs!

JOEL: Right.

SERVO: Ah!

JOEL: Now you're getting it little buddy--

CROW: Ah!

JOEL: --but now we must move on.

SERVO: Uh hu.

JOEL: Godzilla's not the only one to benefit from the A-bomb.

SERVO: Yeah.  Look, there's Aunty Ness from Scotland's Loch, they married in
the spring.  And their first-born was Godzookie, and now we begin to sing!

[in background]

Bop be du-bop!  Be du-bidie du be du bop....

[you got the picture....]

CROW: Godzookie went to Hollywood, an agent to the stars.  He had an affair
with Lorna Lufts and smoked a big cigar.

SERVO: And outa the lust of the love affair Rob Pearlman resulted.

CROW: Hu!

JOEL: You know, surgery was considered for him, but nobody was consulted!  Oh,
I did it again.

CROW: Then Ron met Yoko Ono, and they began to spawn a couple of hundred
horrible things as green as [forest lawn].

SERVO: There they are: there's Kermit the Frog, the Swamp Thing, Hulk, and
       Earnest Borgnine too!

CROW: But Earnest Borgnine isn't green!

SERVO: Well put him on a boat and he is!

JOEL and CROW: *WHAT?!*

SERVO: Hey!  Who's that at the bottom, a-wallowin' in his shame?

CROW: Oh, that's just Steve Guttenberg of Police Academy fame.

SERVO: Hu.

JOEL: To wrap it up, the worst mutation...

CROW: No, you don't suppose?!

SERVO: Oh yes it is, the horror of horrors--

ALL: --Karl Baldwin's nose!

SERVO and CROW: Ohhhh nooooo!

JOEL: We got movie--commercial sign on top.

CROW: Dig it.


Transcribed by (jka@math.ufl.edu) and Lisa Jenkins.


Comedy Central 1991/92 season
-----------------------------

302 Gamera
"Tibby, Oh Tibby"

Written and Arranged by Michael J. Nelson

[On the satellite:]

[Servo talks to a toy turtle in a fishbowl.  The bowl spins on a record player
on the SOL desk.]

SERVO: More fish flakes, sweet friend?

[lights dim, Servo sings]

      Oh, Tibby.  My Tibby,
      my heart is a mess.
      I don't have a protective shell
      over my chest.
      So people can *HURT* me
      with the cruel things they dooo!
      Yet somehow, sweet Tibby,
      I know you hurt, too.
      Oh, Tibby.  My Tibby,
      reality's hard.
      So Tibby,
      let's play in the yaaaaaaard!
      Oooooooh, Tibby!  Oh, Tibby!

[Crow enters]

      He runs like the wind.
      A couple of inches--aha!--
      and then back again!
      Oooh-doh-doooh.

CROW: Uh, may I take a verse?

SERVO: Oooo-doo-doooo.  Well, if you feel it, Crow.

CROW: Oh, I--do.  Ahem!

SERVO: Well, Crow.  Then by all means.  Join me, won't you?

CROW: 5, 6, 7, 8.

      Tippyyyy--!

SERVO: It's *TIBBY*!  *TIBBY!*

CROW: Oh, sorry.  Sorry.  Sorry.

      I love you my fine lit-tle fellaaa!
      Even though you gave the whole fam-i-ly salmonellaaa!

[lights rise, music stops, Joel enters]

SERVO: No!  No!  It's not their fault!

CROW: Hee hee hee hee!

SERVO:  It isn't their fault! Crow, you take everything good and--!  You rip
my heart out!!!  [sobs]

CROW: Geez, I'm--I'm sorry.

JOEL: C'mon, Crow, let'm finish his song.

CROW: Oh, okay.

JOEL: Go ahead, Tom.

CROW: It's just a stupid ol' turtle.

JOEL: Go ahead, Tom.

[Servo stops crying, lights dim, spotlight on Tibby]

SERVO: Thank you, Cambot.

[music begins]

      Tibby.  My Tibby,
      your blood may be cold,
      but I know that your heart
      burns as hot as a coal!
      It burns with the love
      only turtles can feel!
      Tibby--!

[spoken]

Is our love real?

My Tibby, I'll never let the dog nose around your bowl, but you know that
don't you?  I can see it in your beady, little eyes!  If you high-center on
your rock, Tibby, I'll be there to help you down!

[sings]

      The toilet's not your fate, friend!
      You'll always run freeeeeee!
      Tibby--!
      Long as you have meeeeeeeeeeee!

[music ends]

CROW: D'you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?

JOEL: That was really good, Tom.

SERVO: [sob] Thank you.

JOEL: We got Commercial Sign.


Transcribed by J.D. Shull and Lisa Jenkins.

303 Pod People
"Burning Rubber Tires"

[In the satellite:]

['bots are all dressed as women, Joel wears headphones and stands next to a
mic]

JOEL: All right!  All right, let's do it again!  You come in late girls, again,
you're out.  All right?

['bots moan]

All right, from the top.

[music starts]

With a pickled mind,
We kicked enough of beer.
Steady as a goat,
We're flying over trout.
Getto down the highway
At the speed of light.
All I want to feel is like
The wind in my eyes.
Sack of monkeys in my pocket,
My sister's ready to go.

JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Hear the engines roll now.

GYPSY: Hear the engines roll now.

JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Idiot control now.

GYPSY: Idiot control now.

JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Hideous control now.

GYPSY: Hideous control now.

JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Needy on the road now.

GYPSY: Needy on the road now.

JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Needy in control,
Wheels on fire,
Burning rubber tires!

GYPSY: Tires!

[In Deep 13:]

DR. FORRESTER: He's pretty good.

FRANK: Good?  He's the *BEST*!

[In the satellite:]

JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Near each other rolls now.

GYPSY: Near--now.

JOEL, SERVO and CROW: He really likes to go now.

GYPSY: He--like--go.

JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Needy inches bow down.

GYPSY: Bow down!

JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Pity and a poor boy.

GYPSY: Poor boy!

JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Hear the X's roll,
Peas on a pod,
Burning rubber tires.

GYPSY: Tires!

[In Deep 13:]

DR. FORRESTER: Oh great.

FRANK: Say!

DR. FORRESTER: Pretty good.

FRANK: Yeah!

DR. FORRESTER: Whadda think?

[In the satellite:]

JOEL: It stinks!


Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.

"Clown in the Sky"

[On the satellite:]

[music plays in background, Servo whistles]

JOEL: Well, guys, looks like it's time to pack it all in again.

CROW: Yeah.  We are the stuff dreams are made of.

SERVO: Oh, that's beautiful, Crow!  Shakespeare?

CROW: Uh, no.  Burmashave, act--

SERVO: Oh, well I--huh?

JOEL: [as he takes Crow apart] You know, guys, it always hurts--

CROW: Ow!

JOEL: --to close it all up--

SERVO: Yeah.

JOEL: --strike the set--

CROW: Ow!  Geez!

JOEL: --wipe off the grease paint--

SERVO: Yeah.

JOEL: --uh, napkin up the blood and entrails--

CROW: Ouch!

JOEL: --and move on to another town.

CROW: Uh, oh.  I smell a song.

SERVO: Mmmm hmmm.

JOEL: [sings]
     Tell me where does all the magic go--

SERVO: [in background] Ooooo!

JOEL: When the curtain falls to end the show?
     Do the clowns always cry
     When they pack up the paper sky,
     And the champaign is being poured,

[Servo provides harmony]

     And the lock is on the old stage door?

[Servo ends harmony]

     Will there still be a clown in the sky for me?

SERVO: Oh, Joel!  Oh, boo hoo hoo hoo!  Joel!

JOEL: Don't worry, buddy, there'll be other experiments.

SERVO: You really think so, Mister?

JOEL: Yeah.  Take a verse.  It'll cheer you up.

SERVO: Okay.

[sings in Anthony Newly voice]

      When the harliquen is on the bed
      And the whiskey haze surrounds his head,
      William Holden's coming over and he's got a [] or two--

JOEL: Uh, Servo, if you don't stop doing your Anthony Newly, I'm gonna throw
you against the wall.

CROW: He'll do it, too.

JOEL: [sings]
     Will there still be a clown in the sky--

SERVO: Help us out, Crow!

JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Still be a clown in the sky--

SERVO: Take it home, Joel!

JOEL: Tell me, where is that clown in the sky for me?

[spoken]

     I love you, Tom Servo.

SERVO: I love you, Joel.

JOEL: I love you, Crow.

CROW: You're not my real father!

JOEL: Wadda think, sirs?

[In Deep 13:]

DR FORRESTER and FRANK: It stinks!


Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.


306 Time of the Apes
"The Sandy Frank Song"

Arranged:  Michael J. Nelson

[On the satellite:]

JOEL:  C'mon, everybody!  Let's do the Sandy Frank Song!

ALL:   Sandy Fraaank!  Sandy Fraaank!

SERVO: He's the source of all our pain!

ALL:   Sandy Fraaank!  Sandy Fraaank!

CROW:  Gads [gets?] about the house all day!

ALL:   Sandy Fraaank!  Sandy Fraaank!

JOEL:  Thinks that people come from trees!

ALL:   Sandy Fraaank!  Sandy Fraaank!

SERVO: Gets horrid movies from Japan!

ALL:   Sandy Fraaank!  Sandy Fraaank!

CROW:  Films are always poorly dubbed!

ALL:   Sandy Fraaank!  Sandy Fraaank!

JOEL:  Spielberg won't return his calls!


Transcribed by Ed Hughes, M.M. Marmel and Lisa Jenkins.

307 Daddy-O (Alphabet Antics)
"Hike Up Your Pants"

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: Hey everybody, do the pants up song!

SERVO: Now!

JOEL: Dad 'n Lad, Farrahs, Levis, Bugle Boys
     Sans-a-Belt, Chinos, Haggar, Ban-Rol,
     Arnold Palmer, Wrangler, Johnny Carson, Huskies
     No pants are higher than mine.

Hah!  Oh!  Look out!  Don't touch this!

SERVO: Hah!

JOEL: Hike up your britches, super high now.
     Cut off the circulation, to your thighs now.
     Yank your trousers higher than Corey Haim's, oh wow.

SERVO: Hu hoo!  Hah!

JOEL: 'Cause it ain't hip 'til you're in total pain.

SERVO: Whooo!

JOEL: Hike up your pants till you see your shins,
     Wear an Izod shirt like a second skin.
     Make sure you wear your belt buckle to the side.
     Hike up your pants, take your butt cheeks for a ride.

SERVO: Hey!

JOEL: Hike, Hike, Hike, up your Chinos
     Hike, Hike, Hike, up your Farrahs
     Hike, Hike, Hike, up your Haggars
     Hike up your britches like mine....  Take it Frank!

SERVO: Whoooo!

[In Deep 13:]

FRANK: Hike, Hike, Hike, Hike your pants up
      Hike Hike Hike...with the thing, and, uh...
      Hike Hike Hike...with the football...
      Hike Hike...

Take it, Doctor!

[continues singing in background]

DR. FORRESTER: I'm not taking anything, Frank!  Here, I'll take these.  [Pulls
pants over Frank's head, Frank keeps "hiking" through fly.]  And you!  Pants
Weasel! Get on with it!  Zip it, Frank.

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: Hike, Hike, Hike, up your Ban-Rols
     Hike, Hike, Hike, up your Roebucks
     Hike, Hike, Hike, up your Toughskins
     Hike up your britches like mine!  Hah!
     Hike up your britches like mine!  Hah!
     Hike up your britches like mine!  Hah!  Oh yeah, look out!
     Hike up my britches like mine!  Jump back, kiss myself!

[continues singing]

SERVO: Uh, Joel, take the commercial sign.  Joel!

JOEL: Hike up your britches like mine!  I can't come back--I don't know how it
works!

CROW: Joel!  Joel!  Commercial sign!  Snap out of it, buddy!

SERVO: Oh no!  He's vapor locked!  Hit the button, Crow!  Hit the button!

CROW: I'll get it!  Ungh!


Transcribed by Bryan Lambert, Ed Hughes, Donna K. Lang and Lisa Jenkins.

310 Fugitive Alien
"Forklift Song" (in movie)

312 Gamera vs. Guiron
"Bouncy Gamera Song"

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: Let's go, Gamera!

[music starts]

ALL:  Gamera!  Gamera!
      Gamera is really neat.
      Gamera is filled with meat.
      We've been eating Gamera!
      Shell
      Teeth
      Eyes
      Flames
      Claws
      Breath
      Scales
      Fun!

SERVO: Dr. Forrester is kind of a jerk,
       and Frank is really dumb, too.

CROW: We have to take part in these lame experiments.

JOEL: But do we complain?

SERVO: No!

JOEL: No!

CROW: Yes!

SERVO: Huh?
       So we hi-keeba all over the place--

JOEL: --and talk of a thousand wonderful days.

SERVO: Everybody now!

ALL:  Gamera is really sweet,
      he is filled with turtle meat.
      Now we have Commercial Sign!


Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.

"Gamera Marching Song"

"Michael Feinstein's Gamera"
from "Gamera vs. Guiron"


[In Deep 13:]

[Closeup of sign announcing:

           Appearing tonite in Deep 13
           Michael Feinstein
           "Just Cole Porter
                          ...and Me"

Piano plays as camera pans away from sign.]

FEINSTEIN: Anyway, he got his start getting cigarettes to Agnus Demille, if
you can believe that.

FRANK: Oh, ho, ho!

FEINSTEIN: But, anyway, back to my original story which was that I think Oscar
Hammerstein spent *TWO WEEKS* up at his Bucks County farm writing the lyrics to
"Oh, What a Beautiful Morning."  And he labored over it and he turns it over
to Dick Rogers who sits down and promptly--in ten minutes, mind you--writes
the melody.  And I don't have to tell you two gentlemen that American musical
theater was never quite the same thing.

FRANK: What a *WONDERFUL* story!

DR. FORRESTER: Uh, tell us that story about Cole Porter again.

FRANK: Oh, please do!

FEINSTEIN: Should I?  Really?  Okay.  Well, Cole Porter, in, during his horse-
riding accident, well, he was laying in the middle of the woods with his legs
crushed, yelling for help, he decided to write "The Long Last Love."

FRANK: Oh, no!

FEINSTEIN: That's a true story, but what a lot of people don't know is that
the lyrics were altered for its Broadway opening, yes.  And the original
lyrics went something like this:

[Plays a haunting tune.]

Very tender.

[Pounds on piano.]

Oh my God!  I'm in so much pain!  Somebody please help me!  Somebody come and
save me!

FRANK: What an *ENCHANTING* anecdote!

DR. FORRESTER: They don't write them like that anymore, do they?

FEINSTEIN: They certainly do not.

DR. FORRESTER: How does the Gamera theme songs stack up against songs from
yesteryear?

FEINSTEIN: Oh, it's interesting you should ask that because the opening lyric
of the Gamera theme song has sort of a Rogers and Hart feel to it.  Let me
show you what I mean.

[plays piano and sings]

           Gamera--

[plunk, plunk, plunk, plunk]

           Gamera--

[tra la la la, tra la la la]

           Gamera is really neat.
           Gamera is filled with meat.
           We all love you, Gamera.

[speaks]

But then the second part is a little more fun.  It has a sort of George and
Ira Gershwin feel to it.

[sings]

           Shell,
           Teeth,
           Eyes,
           Claws,
           Scales,
           Breath,
           Fun.

[speaks]

It sort of sneaks up on you.  "Boo," it says.

[plays piano and sings]

           Gamera's enchantment still grows.
           He fills our hearts with love.
           Gamera's the latest thing.
           He fills our hearts with spring, spring, spring!
           Anytime you want some moonbeams,

[whispered]

           Gamera is the thing.

[plays piano and sings]

           Gamera is really neat,
           He is filled with turtle meat.
           We all love you, *GAMERA*!!!

DR. FORRESTER: Ah!  Kill him.  Better yet, I'll kill him.  You push the
button.  [Picks up large mallet as Frank goes to push the button.]


Transcribed by Amanda (ecameron@groucho.mrc.unm.edu) and Lisa Jenkins.

314 Mighty Jack
"Slow the Plot Down"

[On the satellite:]

SERVO: [in background] Arr!  Ha, ha, ha, ha!

JOEL: Well, me blimey buckos, the movie's over, the paint is past and I feel
like singing a plot shanty.  Be lively now, me Bonnie Raitts.  Ah!

ALL: [sing]
     Oh!  Slow the plot down, laddie,
     Slow the plot down.
     Way-hey!  Slow the plot down.
     We'll scuttle the story and run 'er a-ground.
     We'll try so hard to slow the plot down.

JOEL: Okay, now.  Who can tell me their favorite scene from the movie so far?

SERVO: Oh, sure!

JOEL: Tom?  Go ahead.

SERVO: There was a--there was a, um, da, uh...argh!

CROW: Ah!

ALL: Oh!  Slow the plot down, laddie,
     Slow the plot down.
     Way-hey!  Slow the plot down
     With German, Italian and Japanese clowns.
     We'll try so hard to slow the plot down.

JOEL: Okay.  Well, how 'bout you--how 'bout you, Crow?  You must be full to
bursting--

CROW: Huh?

JOEL: --with some fond memories of today's movie.  Come on--think hard!

CROW: Oh, ah, uh, um.

SERVO: Brother.

CROW: Uh, ah, geez, Joel.  I'm drawing a blank!

SERVO: Yeah, me too.

CROW: I, ah, um.  Oh!  I remember vaguely a guy locked--locked in a room with
another guy and someone...running....

SERVO: Oh!

CROW: Arr!  Arr!  Arr!

ALL: Oh!  We'll make you a movie
     that's long and immense.
     Way-hey!  Slow the plot down.
     Just give us a script that makes
     no friggin' sense!
     We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!

JOEL: Well, come on, you guys.  I can remember--I for one--in vivid detail--a
frog man who, uh.  Just who is--who's Mighty Jack, anyway?

SERVO: Oh!  Wow!  It just hit me!  I remember!  The scene where Quiquack sits
motionless on the deck meditating for telling the death of the crew--

CROW: Oh!  Yeah!  Yeah!  And the scout sees Adicka shoot the mad dog in the
street and Alex goes to the comes--

JOEL: I--I remember.  And then Patrick Swayze walks in and says--

ALL: "It's my way or the highway."

CROW: Ha, ha!

JOEL: Ha, ha!

SERVO: Arr!

JOEL: Come on, guys.

CROW: Oh!  My brain hurts!

SERVO: Joel, I'm so confused!

JOEL: It's really not that bad, you guys.  I for one actually feel like I just
got done listening to two hours of Lou Reed's metal machine music.

SERVO: Hey!

JOEL: You know, my brain feels clean as a whistle!

CROW: And that's pretty good!

JOEL: Yeah!  It is!

SERVO: That's not bad!  Let's take it home, boys!

JOEL: Okay!

ALL: Slow the plot down, laddie,
     Slow the plot down.
     Way-hey!  Slow the plot down.
     Just scuttle the story and run 'er a-ground.
     We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!

SERVO: Arr!

JOEL: Arr!  Me blimy overlords, what-a think-y?  Arr!


Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.

316 Gamera vs. Zigra
"The Many Tunes of Gamera"

317 Viking Women vs. the Sea Serpent (The Home Economics Story)
"Waffles, We Love You"

[On the satellite:]

CROW and SERVO: Waffles!  Waffles!  Waffles!  Waffles!

JOEL:  Join us, everybody!  Come on, Cambot, give me trippleberry!

[music starts]

       W is for the many ways that you're served

CROW:  A is for the admiration you deserve

GYPSY: F because you're fluffy, you're flaky, you're fun!

SERVO: And F is for the flavor that is second ta none!

JOEL:  L is for how light you are, you melt in my mouth!

ALL:   E is for eggs--Oh Baby!

SERVO: Triple time!

ALL:   Put 'em all together with a how do-ya-do
       Lovely waffles we love--

GYPSY: Send me up another please!

ALL:   Oh, waffles we love--

SERVO: Top mine off with runny cheese!

ALL:   Waffles we love--

CROW:  Chili waffles suit me fine!

ALL:   Waffles we love--

JOEL:  Wash me down with Aunt Jemima?

ALL:   Waaaaaaaffffles, wee love youuuu!

JOEL: Whadda think, sirs?

[In Deep 13:]

DR. FORRESTER: Let's face it, sticky fingers, waffles are nothing more than a
vehicle for butter and syrup.  Heh heh heh heh!

[On the satellite:]

ALL: *WHAT?!*

JOEL: They are not!

CROW: Hey!  You watch your mouth about waffles!


Transcribed by Ed Hughes and Lisa Jenkins.


318 Star Force: Fugitive Alien II
"Fugitive Alien Medley"

[On the satellite:]

SERVO: All right, I'm feeling really good.

JOEL: Yeah.

SERVO: Yes!

GYPSY: Oh boy!

["Fugitive Alien theme" plays]

ALL:   This is the song
       starting off our medley--
       Our favorite Fugitive
       Alien song
       Don't try to kill us
       with a forklift
       Won't take very long--
       relax and sing along.

SERVO:  Thank you, thank you.

CROW: You know, Tommy-- a movie like Fugitive Alien can make you cry, and it
can make you cry.

SERVO: Ah, oui, yes.

CROW: But thing I treasure most, and I'm speaking from the heart, here--

SERVO: Mmm hmmm.

CROW: --this is totally off script--

SERVO: Mmm hmmm.

CROW: --is the music.

SERVO: [with French accent] Oh, this is so true, mon Crow--songs of love and
adventure, and if I may, whimsy, no?  Heh, heh, heh.  But you know, my
favorite was the heartrending ballad in which the whistful Tammy pledges her
love to Ken.

CROW: It goes ... a little something like this:

SERVO: 3 4


["I Love Ken," reminiscent of "Frere Jacques," plays]

CROW:  I love Ken
       He is my sweet friend
       and I love him...

SERVO: I love Ken
       He is my sweet friend
       and I love him...

CROW:  I'm so blue
       'cause I don't think
       Ken loves me...

SERVO: I'm so blue
       'cause I don't think
       Ken loves me...

CROW:  I'm all messed up inside
       I might have to
       off him...

SERVO: I'm all messed up inside
       I might have to
       off him...

CROW:  I'll frame Rocky and
       get away
       scott free...

SERVO: I'll frame Rocky and
       get away
       scott free...

CROW:  I love Ken
       he is my sweet friend
       and I love him....

SERVO: Frere Jacque,
       Frere Jacque,

[continues over Crow]

CROW:  I'm so blue
       'cause I don't think
       Ken loves me...

       I'm all messed up inside
       I might have to
       off him...

SERVO: I saw three ships come
       sailing in on
       Christmas day,
       on Christmas day

[continues over Crow]

CROW:  I'll frame Rocky and
       get away
       scott free...

SERVO: I love Ken...
       I love Ken...

JOEL: All right, this band is marvelous, aren't they ladies and gentlemen?
Cambot Brown and his band renouned--give it up for 'em!

CROW: Yeah!

SERVO: Smokin'!

JOEL: Yeah!

SERVO: 2 3

(tune of a jazzy boogie)
JOEL: Its got a real cool feel
      flying high with the Starwolf
      we're firing up the ship
      and we're hitting the town
      with groovy Ken and Tammy,
      swingin' Rockin' Joe,
      and those two other guys
      who we don't really know
      forget 'em!
      Lay down the boogie
      and head for the stars, man!

GYPSY: Thanks Joel, well that was fun.  But if I could get a little serious
for a moment, well I was wondering where we'd be without our boys and girls in
shiny red leather.  It makes me proud to know that they're out there
somewhere.

["Superman March" plays]

       Look and you'll see
       Flying so fancy free
       Fighting for you and me,
       Captain Joe and the gang.
       When they pass by
       [] pumpkin pie
       top of the []
       wearing the blue.

SERVO: Tempo! Tempo! Tempo!

JOEL:  That's really good.  Gypsy, you wanna do one with me?

GYPSY: Huh?

JOEL: You want to do one with me?

GYPSY: Well, Joel, I--

SERVO: Let's all do it.

GYPSY: Okay

ALL:  We are gonna find
      Sandy Frank.
      We just want to
      ask him why.
      We want to stick it to
      Sandy Frank
      and sit on his chest
      and gob on his face
      and make him cry!

CROW:  Yeah!

JOEL:  All right, now--lets take it home!

CROW:  I'm feeling really good

SERVO: Feels so good it shows!

CROW:  Yeah!

["Fugitive Alien theme" plays]

ALL:  And that's our song,
      we hope that you enjoyed it
      and if you thought it
      was stupid and trite
      come on and
      kill us with a forklift.
      All we wanna do
      with love from us to you
      is sing
      the Fugitive Alien song!


Transcribed by Charles Mcgrew and Lisa Jenkins.

321 Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
"A Patrick Swayze X-mas"

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: I think it's kind of, uh, hot to be wearing these scarves in here.

SERVO: Oh, yeah.

CROW: Well, scarves are a must.  You can't go caroling without a scarf.  Catch
your death!

JOEL: Man, you were like one of those kids I remember in, uh, high school that
used to sell the most candybars for the marching band.

SERVO: Yeah, and you'd be president of the swing choir, too.

CROW: Ha ha!  Ah, thanks, Joel Robinson.  Thanks, Tom Servo.

SERVO: What a kiss-up, this guy.

CROW: Okay, now if you'll all look at your sheet music, uh, we can rehearse my
new song.

JOEL: You wrote a Christmas song?

CROW: Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition!  Ha ha ha!

SERVO: Um, wait a minute.  "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas?"

CROW: Oh, yeah, yeah.  Based on my favorite movie, _Roadhouse_.

SERVO: C'mon, what the heck does *PATRICK SWAYZE* have to do with
*CHRISTMAS*?!

CROW: Hey, you keep Christmas in your way, and let me keep it in mine, okay?

SERVO: Oh, jeeesss.

JOEL: Hey, cmon, Tom Servo, it seems like a nice enough sentiment and we can
give it a shot.  C'mon.

CROW: All right. Okay. Okay. Uh, 12/8 time, uh, key of A-flat major--

SERVO: Good.

CROW: Uh, Cambot, shoot 'em the tune.  Uh, okay, you'll just have to stay with
me, everybody, okay?  Uh, your part's written out.  Let's have a Patrick
Swayze Christmas, by Crow T. Robot.

JOEL: "Paul, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"?

CROW: Right.  Hit it, Cambot!

SERVO: Oh!  Oh, I start.  I get it.  Hmm.

CROW: I'm sorry.

SERVO: Pick it up.  "Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas
in."

CROW: "We'll gather at the Roadhouse with our next of kin."

SERVO: Not bad!

JOEL: "And Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing."

'BOTS: "We'll decorate our barstools and gather round and sing."

SERVO: "Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year!"

CROW: "Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear!"

JOEL: Hold it, hold it a sec.  Cambot, stop it.  Uh, Crow, I don't know if I
think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas.

CROW: Hey, what?  Like a good action sequence don't belong in Christmas?

JOEL: Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a
Christmas carol before.

SERVO: Well, yeah!

CROW: Well, then grab hold o' your socks and read on, Joel Robinson!

SERVO: Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot.  Lovely intro, though.  Very
tasteful.

CROW: Thank you.

SERVO: I like that.  "It's my way or the highway, this Christmas at my ba-ha-
haar."

CROW: "I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch my car!"

JOEL: "I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till."

'BOTS: "I think that that right jolly old elf better make out his will, ohh,"

ALL: "Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, one and all.  And this can be
the haziest . . . this can be the laziest. . . this can be the Swayziest
Christmas of them *AAALLLLLLLLLL*!"

SERVO: "La la la laa ha HAAA!"

CROW: How long before it becomes a standard?

JOEL: I think you gotta come with me.  C'mon.

CROW: Waaaaah!

SERVO: We'll be right back.  Oooh.  Save a leg for me!  Heh heh heh.


Transcribed by Paul Ashley and Lisa Jenkins.

322 Master Ninja I
"Master Ninja Theme Song"

323 Castle of Fu Manchu
"Satellite of Love Marching Song"


Comedy Central 1992/93 season
-----------------------------

403 City Limits
"Ode to Kim Cattrel"

406 Attack of the Giant Leaches (Undersea Kingdom)
"Danger to Ourselves and Others"

Music:  Michael J. Nelson
        Joel Hodgson


[On the satellite:]

JOEL: Bring it down there, Gypsy.  Ya know, Silas, it's not easy being a
social misfit and then getting the added responsibility of dragnetting the
swamp for missing townsfolk.  And I can't even button my own shirt.

SERVO: Yeah, I hear ya, Gunther.  Now isn't it amazing how we inferior types
keep getting asked to do the dangerous work which should go to men more stable
than us?  Really is a miracle!  He huu!  Hooter?

CROW: Uh, duh, yep!  Uh wagnets.  Hahaha.

JOEL: Whadda he say, Cilus?

SERVO: Well, I think what our bright young friend's trying to say here is the
reason we three goofuses are asked to do these hazardous tasks outside the
perimeter of normal society's rationale is, we're a danger to ourselves and
others.

[music starts]

JOEL: Hu da!  Kinda reminds me of Darwin's theory of Natural Selection.

CROW: Yeah!  If you're dumb--ya DIE!

[all laugh]

SERVO: That's, I say, that's a rich one there, Hooter!
       [sings]
       Oh, I'm a danger to myself and others.
       My cousins are as close as brothers.
       I stay out in the rain all the time!

CROW:  He's a danger to himself and others.
       Only likes shows with Sally Struthers.
       I can't even think of a word that rhymes.

SERVO: Ya just did!

JOEL:  How dumb are you Uncle-Dad?

SERVO: Well pretty dumb, that's for sure!

CROW:  How dumb are you Uncle-Dad?

SERVO: Well this pipe's filled with manure!

ALL:   We're a danger to ourselves and others.
       Screw the earth and steal our mothers.
       Leave us in the woods and we're just fine.
       We're a danger to ourselves and others.
       Good livestock with better lovers.
       Hunting leeches is what we call a good time!

[Joel throws dynamite.]

BOOM!  BOOM!

SERVO: Oh Boy!  I'd like to shake hands with any Giant Leeches after that.

CROW: What?  The dynamite or that crappy song?

SERVO: He he huee.


Transcribed by Brian O'Connor and Christopher Schumann.

410 Hercules Against the Moon Men
"Ode to Pants"

411 The Magic Sword
"Ode on Estelle"

417 Crash of the Moons
"Gypsy Moon"

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: Oh!  I hope you're enjoying today's film, and I certainly hope those
gypsy moons don't crash.  Did you know that the gypsy moons is actually a
reference to a popular song title from the 1920s?  Mmm hmm.  Don't remember?
Well, here's our own Tom Servo, Gypsy and Crow to help you out doing their
rendition of the Gypsy Moons.  Hit it, kids!

SERVO: No, I'm tellin' ya, Gypsy, I love you!

GYSPY: Really?

SERVO: And I know I've love you, too, if only we could--

CROW: You haven't a chance with a girl like her.  It's me she cares for!
Isn't that right, Gypsy?

GYPSY: I can't decide.

CROW: Can't decide?  Maybe this will help--

[music starts, Servo whistles]

SERVO: Ba boom ba boom.

CROW:  I can't sleep, or clean my room,
       since you and I first had our swooney swoon--

GYPSY: Oh!

CROW:  --in early June under the clear blue gypsy moon.

GYPSY: Oh, that's nice.

CROW: Thank you.

SERVO: No, no, no.  Don't listen to him, honey!  Listen to me!

GYPSY: I should?

SERVO: Lovers have their tune, I know that I was meant for you.

[Crow groans]

GYSPY: Ah!

SERVO: Yes, one and one makes two and that would be just me and you, honey!

GYPSY: Oh!

SERVO: Strollin' arm and arm under a gyp-gyp-gypsy moon.

GYPSY: Oh, very good.

SERVO: Take my hand!  Oh, you can't.

GYPSY: Oh.

CROW:  In Tom's that are macaroons, his family are all baboons--

[Gypsy laughs]

CROW:  --but my love is a typhoon, and, besides, my dad's a...tycoon!

GYPSY: Daddy's got money.

CROW:  So come with me under the gyp-gyp-gypsy moon.

SERVO: Don't listen to that thin beak over there, listen to me!
       I'm a starter for the Bruins, so don't ya leave my heart in ruins--

GYPSY: A hockey player!

SERVO: --I've been in a coccoon, but now I sing just like a loon!

GYPSY: Oh!

SERVO: Since you and I sang tunes under the gyp-gyp-gypsy moon.

GYPSY: I have something to say.

CROW: Yeah?

SERVO: Tell me!  Tell me!

GYPSY: Although I'd just as soon take Nyquil with a spoon
       then listen to you two drone on about the gypsy moon,
       if the choice between you too goons, I'd rather date Stacey Coon!

CROW and SERVO: [whisper] Stacey Coon?

CROW:  I think you judge too soon in this matter of the moon--

GYPSY: I did?

[music changes]

CROW:  --'cause when the lights go out--

SERVO: Whoo!

CROW:  --and we're sitting on the couch--

GYPSY: Whoo!

[Joel rushes in]

CROW:  I'm gonna give ya everything--!

[Joel clamps Crow's mouth down]

JOEL: Stop!  Stop!  We hope you enjoyed this little trip down memory lane.
And now here's our own Al Jazzbow Collins with a message.  Never again you
guys.  That's it.


Transcribed by Greg Simon and Lisa Jenkins.


422 The Day the Earth Froze (Here Comes the Circus)
"Gypsy Rose Me"

423 Bride of the Monster (Hired! pt 1)
"Hired!"

[On the satellite:]

[A sign appears with the words:

The SOL Community Theater
    Sings hits from
       "HIRED!"
      featuring
     Mort Cambot
       and his
      orchestra ]

['Bots sing in a whisper]

SERVO: He's hired.

SERVO and CROW: He's hired.

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired.  He's hired.

JOEL: I'm hired.

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired.

JOEL: I hope I don't get fired.

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired.

JOEL: In forty years I'll be retired.
      But for now, I'm simply hired.

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired, he's hired, he's hired, he's hired.

JOEL: I got a job today.

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired.

JOEL: I'm selling Chevrolets.

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired.

JOEL: I'm bringing home good pay.

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired.

JOEL: I just got hired.

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired, he's hired, he's hired, he's hired.

['Bots sing in regular voice]

He got a job today.

JOEL: Yeah, me!

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's selling Chevrolets.

JOEL: We're gonna get awnings.

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's bringing home good pay.

JOEL: Maybe even dessert.

[At same time with 'bots next line]

      I just got hired.

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He just got hired.

ALL: HIRED!

[Music changes]

[Knock, knock, knock]

JOEL: I was wondering if you'd like to see my--

GYPSY: No!

JOEL: But I really think you should see my--

SERVO: No!

JOEL: It's got a lovely--

GYPSY: No!

JOEL: And if only you would--

CROW: No!

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: Can't you see we're trying to tell you no!

[Music changes]

SERVO: Ahh.  Zeros, zeros.  None of my salesmen has ever sold a car.  Ohh!
       Sometimes I think I might be pushing them too far.
       I think I'll hit the bar
       and try to get my mind off zeros.

GYPSY: Zeros.

SERVO: Zeros.

GYPSY: Zeros.

SERVO: All of my salesmen a-r-e zeros.  Aah.

[Music changes]

[Servo provides chirping noise]

CROW: Good evening, sonny.

SERVO: Hi, Dad.

CROW: You look depressed.

SERVO: I am.

GYPSY: Come on and have some lemonade.

SERVO: Thanks, Mom, but that won't help.

CROW: Just get it off your chest.

SERVO: Okay.

[Music speeds up]

       I suck at my job.

CROW: No, you don't.

SERVO: Yes, I do.

GYPSY: Oh, my.

SERVO: My salesmen are slobs.

CROW: No, they aren't.

SERVO: Yes, they do.

GYPSY: Huh?

SERVO: I'd like to make a sell, but what can I do?
       I'm gonna be a failure just like you, Dad.

CROW: Like me?

SERVO: That's right, I'll be a failure just like y-o-u!

CROW: Now, frikl...so--

JOEL: Extry, extry, read all about it!
      Pearl Harbor bombed!
      Roosevelt declares war!

SERVO: Well, that's it!

CROW: What's it?

SERVO: Uncle Sam's gonna need cars.  Why, selling Chevrolets is gonna help the
war effort.  Don't ya see, Dad?  Come on everybody!

ALL: S-e-e the U.S.A. in the--

JOEL: Stop!  We got Commercial Sign.

[Random oh's and uh's from the 'bots]

SERVO: For crying out loud!

CROW: What's the point?

JOEL: Commercial Sign.


Transcribed by Amanda (ecameron@groucho.mrc.unm.edu) and Lisa Jenkins.


Other
-----

"Satellite of Love"
from IT'S ALIVE! an Experiment "World Without End"
originally from Lou Reed's "Satellite of Love"

[On stage:]

JOEL: Satellite's gone--up to the stars.
      Things like that drive me out of my mind.

SERVO: [in background] Oooooo!

JOEL: We're only here a little while.
      [spoken]
      Are you like us?

SERVO: [in background] Ahh!

JOEL: [spoken] Do you like to watch things on TV?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

SERVO: Ah, ah, ah, ah. Bop.

CROW: Bop.

GYPSY: Bop.

JOEL and SERVO: Satellite of love.

SERVO: Bop.

CROW: Bop.

GYPSY: Bop.

JOEL and SERVO: Satellite of love.

SERVO: Bop.

CROW: Bop.

GYPSY: Bop.

JOEL and SERVO: Satellite of love.
                Satellite of--

SERVO: Love.

JOEL: Satellite's gone--way up to Mars.

SERVO: [in background] Ooo!  Ahh!

JOEL: [spoken]
      Hey, Frank.  Take this one.

FRANK: Uh, it seems like we're all gonna be parking cars.
       Jack?

JACK PERKINS: I watched it for a little while,
              And for me--that is good TV!

JOEL and SERVO: Ah, ah, ah, ah.

SERVO: Bop.

CROW: Bop.

GYPSY: Bop.

JOEL and SERVO: Satellite of love.

SERVO: Bop.

CROW: Bop.

GYPSY: Bop.

JOEL and SERVO: Satellite of love.

SERVO: Bop.

CROW: Bop.

GYPSY: Bop.

JOEL and SERVO: Satellite of love.
                Satellite of--
JOEL: [spoken]
      I've been told
      That you feel bold
      About Gypsy--

GYPSY: Yeah!

JOEL: --Crow and Tom.

SERVO: Ye-ho!

JOEL: Monday, Tuesday,

JOEL and SERVO: Wenesday, Thursday.

JOEL: Gypsy--

GYPSY: Yeah!

JOEL: --Crow and Tom.

SERVO: Tom!  Ye-ho!  Ah!

DR. FORRESTER: Finally, satellite's gone--up to the sky.

SERVO: Du, du, du, du, du, du.

DR. FORRESTER: This time it'll blow you're little mind.

SERVO: Ah, ha.

GYPSY: Ah!

DR. FORRESTER: I watched you for a little while,
               And then I changed to Charles in Charge.

FRANK: Hey!  That doesn't rhyme!

JOEL and SERVO: Ah, ah, ah.

SERVO: Bop.

CROW: Bop.

GYPSY: Bop.

JOEL, FRANK and SERVO: Satellite of love.

SERVO: Bop.

CROW: Bop.

GYPSY: Bop.

JOEL, FRANK and SERVO: Satellite of love.

SERVO: Bop.

CROW: Bop.

GYPSY: Bop.

JOEL, FRANK and SERVO: Satellite of love.
                       Satellite of--

SERVO: [spoken]  Okay, people, I want you to twink your fingers for those of us
who can't!  Twink!  Come on now!  I want you to sing with us, now.  Sing with
feeling; sing with heart; sing "Satellite of Love."  Here we go.

JOEL, FRANK and SERVO:  Satellite--of love.

GYPSY: Love!

SERVO: Sing along now.

JOEL, Frank and Servo: Satellite--

GYPSY: Satellite!

JOEL, FRANK and SERVO: --of love.

JOEL, FRANK, SERVO and CROW: Satellite--

GYPSY: Satellite!

JOEL, FRANK and SERVO: --of love.

JOEL: [spoken] Thanks for coming!  I--we hope you had fun in outer space.

SERVO: Satellite--

JOEL: Thank you.

SERVO: --of love.

JOEL: Good night.

[They reprised the last section two more times.]

Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.


And finally, from Lisa:

Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copyright 
1993 Best Brains, Inc.  This publication is not meant to infringe on any 
copyrights held by Best Brains, Comedy Central, HBO, Showtime or its 
employees.  The information herein is subject to being wrong.  The lyrics are 
free to distribute as long as this notice remains intact. 

