Greetings!

     I see that you have my story, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Borg on your website.

     I wrote it in 1990 during the summer between the original airing of The Best of Both Worlds, Part One and Part Two.  It is one of many stories that were posted in the Science Fiction form on CompuServe, as we tried to keep ourselves amused while waiting for Part Two.

     Oddly enough, the improbability factor is not a random number, but is the phone number of my parent's house, where I was living at the time.  This is because the improbability factor used by Douglas Adams was the phone number of the flat he was living in when he wrote Hitchhiker's.  (I personally believe that if you're going to do something like this, you have to do it properly. <g>)

     I noticed that your copy of the story is incomplete, so here's the full version.

Chris
- - - - -
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Borg.

By Christopher Keavy.

Starring Peter Jones as The Book.

(Music:  Journey of the Sorcerer)

Narrator:  It is of course a well known fact that The Hitchhiker's Guide
to the Galaxy contains many omissions.  Some people have asked how the
Guide can contain an omission, since obviously, it can not contain
something that isn't there.  Nevertheless, this story is an attempt to
fill one of those omissions, concerning an incident that occurred
whilst Ford, Arthur, and Zaphod were on the starship Heart of Gold, but
before they actually arrived on the planet Brontitall.  This story has
never been told before due to the fact that it happened in the
future, and could not be revealed in the present.  Since the time
frame of that event has now gone by, and it is now in the past, we can
reveal the events that transpired.

Zaphod:  OK, computer.  Where are we?

Eddie:  Hi, there!  I know this sounds highly improbable, but we seem to
be inside another spaceship.  In fact, since you ordered me to use
maximum improbability to escape the Vogons, we've also managed to land
right in the middle of their docking bay, at an improbability level of 2
to the power of 5,086,362,826 to 1 against.

Ford:  With our luck, we moved backwards ever so slightly and landed in
a Vogon ship.

Eddie:  No, its not the Vogons, this ship's too neat and tidy.

Arthur:  Can we hear what's going on out there?  Are they doing anything
about us?

Eddie:  Well, I can tap into their in-house communications and listen to
the command centre.

Zaphod:  Do it!

Narrator:  Meanwhile, on the bridge of the starship Enterprise, an alarm
was sounding.

Riker:  Data, what's happening?  Worf, hold fire!

Data:  A spacecraft has just materialized in our hanger bay.

Wesley:  Not the blue box again?!?

Data:  No, Wesley.  The ship is shaped differently, and is painted gold.

Riker:  Worf, let's listen to them and find out who they are.

Worf:  Sensors on in the hanger bay.

(Several seconds of silence follow)

Zaphod:  I don't think anyone's up there.

Wesley (simultaneous with Zaphod):  I don't think anyone's down there.

Ford:  I just heard something while you were talking.

Worf (simultaneous with Ford):  I just heard something while you were
talking.

Arthur:  Everyone quiet and listen.

Riker (simultaneous with Arthur):  Everyone quiet and listen.

(Another several seconds of silence, a bit longer than the previous
several seconds of silence)

Zaphod:  Stop monitoring, there's no one on board that ship.

Riker (simultaneous with Zaphod):  Stop monitoring, there's no one on
board that ship.

Zaphod:  Computer, open the hatch.  We're going to have a look around
this derelict.

(SFX:  Communicator badge)

Riker:  Riker to security.  Send some people down to the hanger bay and
have a look at that derelict.

Locutus:  Improbability is irrelevant.

Riker:  Who mentioned improbability?

Zaphod:  Come on, you guys.  I found a lift.  Best of all, it doesn't
talk back!

(SFX:  turblift door closes)

Zaphod:  Take us to the bridge!

(SFX:  lift running)

Arthur:  You might as well have said `Take us to the brig'.

(SFX:  lift stops, then starts)

Ford:  Nice going Arthur.

Zaphod:  Take us to the bridge!

(SFX:  lift stops and starts)

Zaphod:  Now keep quiet monkeyman.

(SFX:  lift opens)

Worf:  Who are you?

Zaphod:  I'm Zaphod Beeblebrox!

Riker:  Are you the captain of the ship in our hanger bay?

Zaphod:  I'm President of the Galaxy, man!  Don't you watch the sub
ether Tri-D TV?

Riker:  The what?

Zaphod:  Oh, Zarquon!

Locutus:  Prophets are irrelevant.

(SFX:  Lift door opens)

(SFX:  Clanking, grinding, dragging noise)

Arthur:  Marvin what are you doing here?

Marvin:  I was getting too bored about being depressed on the Heart of
Gold, so I decided to be truly miserable about being depressed up here
instead.

Ford:  Just what we need to cheer us up.

Marvin:  I'm not getting you down, am I?

Zaphod:  So who's the dude with the headgear?

Riker:  Our captain.  He's been taken over by the Borg.

Arthur:  The Borg?

Ford:  Let's look it up in the book.

Shelby:  What book?

Ford:  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

(SFX:  book motif)

Book:  The Borg is a single mental entity whose sole function in life is
to take over any civilisation it may stumble across, and turn the beings
of that civilisation into cyborgs to repair and maintain their ships and
computer equipment.  If you are reading this entry, you have probably
encountered a Borg and want to know what to do next.  The best thing to
do at this point is to place this copy of the Guide in a safe place, so
that it will be of use to whoever may find it in the future, because
your hitchhiking days are now over.

Arthur:  I'm beginning to hate that book.

Zaphod:  They don't seem like a happy bunch, do they?

Marvin:  I've tapped into it's computer system, and I'm feeling much
more depressed now.

Shelby:  How can you tap the Borg computer?

Marvin:  I've only got a brain the size of a planet, but no one ever
wants to make use of it.

Data:  Are you saying that you are not being used to your fullest
capabilities?

Marvin:  It's the terrible pain in all the diodes down my left hand side
that really makes me miserable.

Arthur:  Look, if the Borg are so depressing that they make Marvin seem
cheerful, why don't we show them a really happy computer?

Zaphod and Ford:  The ship's computer!

Ford:  I'll go put Eddie on the sub ether computer link.

(SFX:  lift opens and closes)

Zaphod:  You know, you're starting to get the hang of all this.

Arthur:  Oh, really?

Zaphod:  Yeah.  In fact, you're not a monkeyman any more.  I'm promoting
you to apeman.

Arthur:  Gee ... thanks ... I think ...

(SFX:  lift opens and closes.  Ford charges across the hanger bay and
into the Heart of Gold)

Ford (slightly winded):  Computer!

Eddie:  Hi, there!  What can I do for you?  Did you know there's a Borg
ship right outside this one we're in?

Ford:  Yeah.  Can you link up with the Borg computer?  You know, discuss
the weather, that sort of thing?

Eddie:  Sure thing!  No problem!

(SFX:  computer noises)

Eddie:  Boy, that Borg is a real party pooper.

Ford:  Why don't you show it how to have a really good party, Pan
Galactics for all, just everyone being cool and froody?

Eddie:  OK!

(SFX:  more computer noises)

Narrator:  And on the bridge of the Enterprise ...

Riker:  You're saying that you can defeat the Borg by hooking a computer
to it?

Zaphod:  Trust me baby.  Its all under control.

Arthur:  I think its starting to work.  Those Borg are drinking Pan
Galactic Gargle Blasters.

Worf:  The Borg units are having trouble standing up.

Zaphod:  Geez, haven't they ever had a good drink before?

Wesley:  Maybe the Borg always considered alcohol to be irrelevant.

Data:  Power levels on the Borg ship are fluctuating.  It appears that
the intoxication of the individual units is now causing feedback into
the main system.

Zaphod:  Belgium!  I never saw a drunk computer before!

Worf:  We are being hailed by the Heart of Gold, in the hanger bay.

Riker:  On speakers.

Ford (through PA):  Zaphod, Arthur.  You'd better get down here.  I just
picked up a Galactic Police ship on the scanners.

Zaphod:  Yeah, right Ford.  Come on apeman.  You keep coming up with
ideas like that, and I'll promote you again.

Arthur (with only a mild trace of extra heavy sarcasm):  I hope I'll be
able to handle the excitement.

(SFX:  clanking, grinding, dragging noise)

Marvin:  I might as well go with you.  No point in boring total
strangers to death when I can be truly miserable with people I already
despise instead.

(SFX:  lift opens and closes)

(SFX:  communicator badge)

Riker:  Riker to Dr. Crusher.  Medical team to the transporter.  You're
going to bring the captain back.

Data:  The Heart of Gold has just improbbed out of our hanger bay, and
the Police ship is changing course to pursue it.

(Music:  Journey of the Sorcerer)

Narrator:  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Borg was written by Christopher
Keavy, based on the universes created by Douglas Adams and Gene
Roddenberry.  The show was produced by Geoffrey Perkins, and starred
Peter Jones as The Book, Simon Jones as Arthur Dent, Geoffrey McGivern as
Ford Prefect, Mark Wing-Davey as Zaphod Beeblebrox, Steven Moore as
Marvin, the paranoid android, David Tate as Eddie, the shipboard
computer, Jonathan Frakes as Commander Riker, Michael Dorn as Worf, 
Brent Spiner as Data, Wil Wheaton as Wesley, and some chick we dragged
in off the sidewalk outside the studio as Shelby.

Musical arrangements were by Paddy Kingsland, and sound effects by Alick
Hale-Munro and his crack team of hardened drinkers at the BBC
Radiophonic Workshop.

Stay tuned for `The best of the worst Vogon poetry' being broadcast next
over BBC Radio 4, unless someone comes up with something better within
the next five minutes.

(Music:  Journey of the Sorcerer)

- - - - -
P.S.  Here's another one that I wrote at about the same time.  It was inspired by the fact the guy who played "Mad Dog" Murdock on The A-Team appeared twice as a crewmember on Star Trek Next Generation.  It is still in the original format it was written in, a series of messages posted to CompuServe.  You have my permission to add it to your site.
- - - - -
Subj:  The A-way Team                          Section: Star Trek
From:  Chris Keavy              76100,2111     # 178877, 4 Replies 
  To:  All                                     Date: 04/18/91 01:59:02
        Yes, its time for ... The A-way Team.

        Starring Lt. Barclay as Mad Dog Murdock.

        William Riker as Hannibal Smith.

        Worf as B. A. Baracus.

        and Data as Face.

        The away team was on the transporter platform, ready to beam
down to the planet San Elvador.  The mission was to rescue a team of
Starfleet negotiators who had managed to negotiate themselves into a San
Elvadoran prison.  Just as O'Brien was about to send them down,  the
intercom sounded.

        `Bridge to transporter room.'  Only one person on the ship could
have such a commanding voice.  `Do not beam down.  The ion levels are
increasing, and we won't be able to beam you back.  You'll have to go by
shuttlecraft.'

        Worf's reaction was as immediate as it was expected.  `I ain't
getting in no shuttlecraft with that fool, William!'

        O'Brien touched a control, and a blue gas spewed from the
ceiling above Worf's head.  He took one breath and collapsed.  Data and
Barclay supported him before he could fall to the deck.

        A few minutes later, Worf awoke to find himself strapped into a
shuttlecraft chair.  He tugged at the straps, then decided that he
didn't need more black marks on his record for destruction of Federation
equipment.  Barclay was piloting, of course, and was spewing his usual
random nonsense.

        `And I'm telling you, this baby can do loop the loops and barrel
rolls, and you won't even feel it.'

        `Barclay,' said Riker, `We've got a job to do.  Put us down in
that clear spot on the mountain overlooking the prison.  And don't let
them see us.'

        `Righto, daddyo.  I'll land this thing so softly you won't know
we touched down.'

        Data looked up from the co-pilot's instruments and announced,  
`Now that we are below the level of the ion storm, I have a fix on the
negotiators.  They are all in the prison, but their life signs are
weak.'

        `Right.  We move out as soon as we land.  Worf, you and Data go
in through the back gate while Barclay and I create a diversion outside
the front gate.'

        ...To be continued...
  



Subj:  The A-way Team                          Section: Star Trek
From:  Chris Keavy              76100,2111     # 179906, * No Replies * 
  To:  Chris Keavy              76100,2111     Date: 04/21/91 23:35:05
The A-way team, chapter two.

        `Oh, gee willikers, William, I always go create a
diversion.',   protested Barclay.  `Why don't I go with Worf and Data
can help you with the diversion?'

        `Sure, why not?'

        `If you get in the way or cause any trouble, I'm gonna eat
you!',  roared Worf.

        `I didn't know you Klingons practiced cannibalism', returned
Barclay.

        `We don't.  But in your case, I'll make an exception.'

        Riker knew this would go on all day if he didn't do
something.    `OK, you two, knock it off.  Give us an hour to get into
position,  then move in.'

        Fifty-five minutes later, an old man and his wife approached the
front gate of the prison.  They insisted they were there to visit their
son, but the guard got suspicious when he tried to push the woman away
and found it was like trying to push a shuttlecraft.   Twenty seconds
later, Data and Riker were inside the prison, and the guard was yelling
something about losing his keys to a pickpocket.

        Data and Riker threw off the peasant clothes that covered their
uniforms and began firing their sub-machine phasers at anything that
moved, and most things that didn't, while lobbing a few photon grenades
every once in a while to add to the confusion.  Although they never hit
anyone, the effect was more than spectacular enough to bring all the
guards to the front gate.

        Worf and Barclay heard the commotion and hurled themselves at
the rear gate.  While Barclay held his shoulder in agony, Worf barrelled
through the gate and stopped inside.  `Come on, fool!   William and Data
won't be able to hold them off forever!'

        `Now don't get over excited big fella, I'm just taking a
tricorder reading.  OK, they're this way.'  He marched twenty steps,  
then turned left.  `No, they're this way.'  Worf shook his head and
followed menacingly.

        At the front gate, Riker and Data found themselves a bit out
gunned, and were forced to surrender.

        To be continued ... 



Subj:  The A-way Team                          Section: Star Trek
From:  Chris Keavy              76100,2111     # 180770, * No Replies * 
  To:  Chris Keavy              76100,2111     Date: 04/24/91 19:11:15
The A-way team, chapter three.

        While Barclay and Worf followed the tricorder readings to find
the negotiators in the prison on San Elvador, Riker and Data were being
thrown into the prison director's office.

        `So, you trick your way past my guards, fire sub-machine phasers
all over the courtyard, toss photon grenades at all our equipment,  and
get captured without hurting a single person.  It seems that Starfleet's
military is even more pathetic than its negotiators.   GUARD!!  Put them
in a cell somewhere.'

        The director took a second look at the guard as he herded Data
and Riker out the door.  He knew a few new men had arrived the week
before,  but that fellow with the ridges on his head was someone he
hadn't met yet.  He decided to have a meeting with the new men as soon
as possible to get to know them.

        `Good work, Worf,' mumbled Riker, keeping his voice low so no
one else would hear.  `Are the negotiators all right?'

        `Barclay's taking them back to the shuttle.  But getting you out
of here won't be easy.  They doubled the guards less than ten minutes
after Barclay left.'

        Suddenly, Data froze in mid-step.  Worf jabbed him with a
phaser,  but nothing happenned.  Riker walked over to him and openned a
panel in Data's side.  `He just needs a little adjustment, nothing to
worry about.'

        The guards along the corridor started laughing, making crude
jokes about Starfleet robots, then they started falling as Riker spun
around and began blasting them with the phaser he had taken from Data's
hidden storage compartment.  Data grabbed another phaser from within
himself,  and both he and Worf systematically took down the remaining
guards.

        `Let's move it!', screamed Riker, as he charged toward the rear
gate.  Guards in the wall towers rained down a hail of phaser fire as
the three men ran into the gate like a batterring ram . . . and nothing
happenned.

        To be continued ...
  



Subj:  The A-way Team                          Section: Star Trek
From:  Chris Keavy              76100,2111     # 181626, * No Replies * 
  To:  Chris Keavy              76100,2111     Date: 04/28/91 00:40:19
The A-way team, chapter four.

        Even Worf staggerred backwards after they failed to break down
the rear gate of the prison.  The solid wooden door hadn't budged at
all.

        `You people are really pathetic!', screamed the prison director
over the P.A.  `Do you think we'd fall for the same thing twice?   That
door is a fake!  We filled in the wall behind it.'

        He was cut off by a sudden swooshing noise, followed by several
explosions that toppled the guard towers along the rear wall.   Despite
all the noise, no one could miss the loud `YAAHH-HHOOOO!'  that came
from the shuttlecraft as it did barrel rolls over the prison.

        After scattering everyone within a 50 meter radius, Barclay
dropped a line from the shuttle door.  Riker, Data, and Worf attached
themselves to it.  As the guards ran out of ammo, and started throwing
their phaser rifles at the shuttle out of frustration,  Barclay pulled
the A-way team out of danger and back to a safe spot.

        It took no time at all to set the dangling crew members down on
the ground and land the shuttle some 40 kilometers from the prison.   
Worf took one look at Barclay, and screamed, `You fool!  What took you
so long?  We nearly got killed in there?  And don't think I'm gonna ride
in any shuttle you're piloting.  I'll wait for the ion storm to pass so
they can beam me ...'.  His voice trailed off as Data touched a hypo to
his neck and guided Worf to fall into one of the chairs while Barclay
fired up the shuttle for liftoff.

        Riker took out a short, stubby paper wrapped wad of tobacco,  
stuck it between his lips, looked at the confused, but safe,  
negotiators, and boasted,  `I love it when a plan comes together!'.

                                                THE END

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