                       The Hedgehog Song, v1.5

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        Reconstructed by Matthew Crosby and alt.fan.pratchett



             from the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett



                                -----





            Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do

            But I have to say this as a warning to you:

            With almost all animals, you can have ball

            But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

  

    CHORUS 1:   The spines on his back are too sharp for a man

                They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can

                The result I think you'll find will appall:

                The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!



            Mounting a horse can often be fun

            An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton

            Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small)

            But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.



    CHORUS 2:   The spines on his back are so awful thick

                you'll end up with naught but a painful prick.

                He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball,

                Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!



            Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo

            Will be entertaining to both her and you

            Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall

            But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.



                CHORUS 1



            A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet

            And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet

            Even a giraffe (despite being so tall)

            But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.



                CHORUS 2



            You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill

            It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill

            You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl

            But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.



                CHORUS 1



            You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night

            With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite

            We already mentioned the horse, you may recall

            But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.



                CHORUS 2



            You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell

            Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell

            A troll can be rocky if down you should fall  

            But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.



                CHORUS 1



            For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter

            Or pego a pig after parting his trotters

            Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall

            But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.



                CHORUS 2



            For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur

            To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer

            The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call

            But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.



                CHORUS 1



            Antipodean pranks -- you can futter a wombat

            Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat

            Or hump a goanna -- go on, do it all

            But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.



                CHORUS 2



            A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing

            Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising,

            Or mountin' a mountain goat (careful, don't fall!)

            But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

    

                CHORUS 1        



            You could thrust with a thrush if you fancy a climb,

            Or pork a few piglets if you have the time,

            A skinhead's pet cat if you don't mind a brawl,

            But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.



    --------------------------------------------------      

            

    This is the alt.fan.pratchett version of the Hedgehog Song. The

    original version was thought up by Matthew Crosby, and has since

    then been streamlined and expanded by readers of the newsgroup.

            

    If you have any suggestions for improvements or additional verses,

    please feel free to post them to alt.fan.pratchett, or mail them

    to Matthew Crosby (crosby@cs.colorado.edu) or Leo Breebaart

    (leo@cp.tn.tudelft.nl).

            

    Note from Matthew: "BTW, I know the giraffe verse in the book is

    `if you stand on a stool', but this doesn't really rhyme. I've

    tried to insert all the other scraps Pterry has given us... if I

    missed any, let me know."



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