                            A MANLY WAGER
                             By Lucillus
                      Dedicated to testosterone

There was a pair of warriors
Who thought they were so cool
BBBain and Magnus were their names
The king and prince of fools.
 Now as to which is greater
   Come listen to my tale
And I will tell you of the time
These mighty warriors failed.
Late one night a bet they made 
     A very manly boast
So many maidens each could bed
 But who could get the most?
And so they set out for to prove
  Who was the biggest prick
And just how stupid they could act
    And get away with it.

   Bain and Magnus wanted 
  To show who was the best
 And each man was determined
   To win this manly test
  By fair means and by foul
 Many maidens they would lay
Then prove it all by boasting
    In a very manly way.

   Bain went into town now
   And found a likely inn
He was sure the maids would swoon
  As soon as they saw him.
He preened and pranced and pampered
   To show his better side
 And practiced his sincerity
  To hide the fact he lied.
And sure enough the spell he wove
  Had all the ladies there
Dying for the chance to run 
Their fingers through his hair.
"Please, ladies, take a number!"
Pretty Bain he then did say,
"For I will serve you all upstairs,
  Until the break of day."

So Bain thinks he's a stud now
    And many maids agree
 He cares not for discretion
 In fact, he charged a fee.
All the ladies they were waiting
  To take their turn in bed
 Then boast to one another:
"I'm his only love", they said.


                                     But Magnus thinks he's clever
                                         Of that he is so sure
                                    He followed Bain to see how he
                                      Would all the ladies lure.
                                      He saw a lady that he knew
                                      Whose jealous husband cruel
                                  Would kill to keep his lovely wife
                                       As a miser keeps a jewel.
                                   So straight away he went to tell
                                       This jealous hulking man
                                   Of just what Bain was going to do
                                   And his wife's part in the plan.
                                 And so, he thought, he could be sure
                                        To win their manly bet
                                       This surely was as clever
                                         As any man could get!

                                         Now Magnus he is lazy
                                         As if you didn't know
                                     He thought he had it made now
                                      And wished to see the show.
                                      So he went into the tavern
                                         And waited for to see
                                        A very jealous husband
                                      And his victim soon-to-be.

                                      Upstairs Bain was grooming
                                        He made the ladies wait
                                  While Magnus tried his best to hide
                                      And leave Bain to his fate.
                                       Soon the jealous husband
                                       Had gathered to his side
                                   As many friends as he could find
                                     To help him take his bride.                
                                       But Magnus was impatient
                                      And quite horny now as well
                                  So he slipped out through the back
                                      To stables by their smell.
                                    He was sure that he could ream 
                                        Some very lonely horse
                                  Then be back inside in time to see
                                     Bain thrashed by manly force.

                                     But even for old Magnus     
                                    Things sometimes work out well
                                   For Bain chose for his first lay
                                     The faithless wife from hell.
                                    She could not wait for foreplay
                                       But jumped upon his steed
                                     And started quick to ride him
                                       To service her deep need.

                                          
I know now what you're thinking
    How typical it seems
For Bain to end up with a maid
 While Magnus a horse reams.
 But justice it soon entered
    Into this merry tune
The husband and his many friends
Had come, and none too soon.
Up the stairs they charged as one
 And burst into the room   
Then looked Bain, and saw right there
   His own impending doom.
   And naked as a jaybird
  He took his only chance:
Went leaping out the window 
   Without even his pants.

Now Bain had not yet finished
    His very manly chore
His manhood still was rigid    
   And hard now to ignore.
But his luck did not desert him
  For below him now he saw
A thatched roof coming quickly
Made of soft and yielding straw.

  And Magnus in the stables
  Had found a horse to pork
Was pounding deep into her tail
  And leaned into his work.
When crashing through the rooftop
Came Bain with his stiff spear
And found poor Magnus most exposed
   And fell into his rear.
A mighty squeal of pain and glee
 Was heard for miles around
And far away some pigs got hard
Just thinking of that sound.
  And so we have a sandwich
   Of two men and a horse
  It's hard now to imagine
How things could turn out worse.

And Bain, who was stuck deep now
    Was trying to escape
  But Magnus had recovered
And started screaming "Rape!"
Out came the jealous husband
Who could not believe his eyes
Followed closely by the ladies
Who laughed until they cried.



                                        Now if a man were able 
                                         To die of shame alone
                                      Then surely now our heroes
                                     Would be deader than a stone.
                                      But alas, in their position
                                      An embarrassment from hell
                                   They could not defend themselves
                                    And their fate I now will tell.
                                     They were taken to the woods 
                                       And then tied upside down
                              Their clothes were burned before their eyes
                                      And all went back to town.
                                      You think the story's over
                                   But there's one more thing to see
                                         Who had won the wager
                                   And the greatest prick would be.

                                      For as they were a-hanging
                                          An argument ensued
                                      Bain said: "I'm the winner,
                                     And still the coolest dude."
                                        But Magnus he retorted:
                                      "At least I finished mine,
                                     So shut up, Bain, you loser,
                                      I hate it when you whine."
