
 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
                            Real DOS User's Guide
                                  release 3

                         by Burnin' of UNKNOWN Prez
                               Oct 16th, 2001
 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
  Introduction
 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 DOS - old, primitive, basically forgotten. People are using powerful
 multitasking operating systems like WindBlows (yeah, right) and Linux,
 some younger computer fans don't even know what DOS is. But that doesn't
 mean a thing, at least until there still exist some REAL DOS USERS.


 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
  Real DOS users
 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 - IRL -

 Real DOS users are older than 14 years

 Real DOS users are plain looking
 Corollary: if they wouldn't look plain then they would be in something
   ultra-radical like neon-green or naked

 Real DOS users can speak in at least 2 different non-native languages

 Real DOS users like T-Shirts
 Corollary: they don't have many

 Real DOS users like coats
 Corollary: if they had the cuts they'd look like Nicholas Cage as Castor Troy
   when he and his brother entered the plane in the beginning of "Face/Off"

 Real DOS users usually get hungry at that time when other people go to sleep

 Real DOS users usually get sleepy about then when common people are getting up

 Real DOS users, if let, sleep at least 10,5 hours

 Real DOS users, if let, don't get up before 12 o'clock

 Real DOS users can live at least 2,5 days without any food without a problem

 Real DOS users drink at least 2 liters of liquid every day

 Real DOS users drink Coca Cola
 Corollary: they notice the different taste of Pepsi
 Corollary 2: The Coca Cola Company is the only corporation that a real DOS
   user supports

 Real DOS users know that coffeen+sugar is the basis of true human life
 Corollary: real DOS users are addicted to coffeen and sugar and can't live
   without them

 Real DOS users don't watch sports
 Corollary: they know that sports is for making and not watching

 Real DOS users are amazingly healthy when considered that they try to keep
   the amount of physical movements minimal

 Real DOS users realize that capitalism is evil
 Corollary: they also realize that the so called democracy which governments
   say they follow is a mask to hide capitalism
 Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows that the cyber-age has come and
   so considers himself to be a basic cyberpunk
 Corollary to the above: he knows enough about cyberpunk to realize that the
   above 2 lines aren't out of context

 Real DOS users are cypherpunks
 Corollary: they have the latest version of PGPi for DOS
 Corollary to the above: they also have a program for every well-known
   encryption algorithm like DES, BLOWFISH, IDEA, CAST, RIJNDAEL, etc.
 Corollary 2: if real DOS users wouldn't be so lazy they would re-build their
   place like Mel Gibson had it in "Conspiracy Theory"
 Corollary 3: the handwriting of a real DOS user is hashed and then scrambled
 Corollary to the above: he has enough brains to encrypt the text
   on-the-fly in his head
 Corollary to the above: his brain has also built-in wipe-after-successful-
   encryption function
 Corollary to the above: that should explain why people sometimes wonder "what
   the hell did this guy do in school"
 Corollary 4: a real DOS user regularly wipes his harddrive's free space and
   empty space at files ends
 Corollary to the above: he has atleast 3 different wiping programs on his HD
 Corollary 5: a real DOS user has an encrypted partition or virtual disk where
   he keeps everything he don't want others to see
 Corollary to the above: it's DEFINITELY something else than Norton Diskreet
 Corollary 6: a real DOS user has set up his system so it has more passwords
   than an average high-risk governmental security system


 - OS -

 Real DOS users can name atleast 5 different DOS distributions

 Real DOS users' computer boots to DOS by default (in case he has other OS's on
   the HD)
 Corollary: his computer is equipped with a boot manager
 Corollary to the above: a real DOS user has XOSL
 Corollary to the above: XOSL rules!
 Corollary 2 to the text 2 lines above: a real DOS user has a videocard which
   supports VESA in hardware

 Real DOS users know that the grooviest DOS ever is PhysTechSoft's PTS-DOS 2000
 Corollary: they spent the 5 minutes to find the byte which to patch to get
   rid of the 1 minute delay by booting

 Real DOS users consider only Linux without X-Windows as a possible
   alternative to DOS

 Real DOS users have thought about writing their own version of DOS


 - HARDWARE -

 Real DOS users have at least three computers
 Corollary: at least two of them are turned in all the time
 Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows how to make the electricity
   counter of his apartment stop and/or he's not the one who's paying for the
   electricity

 Real DOS users have at least a 286
 Corollary: it's an AMD or Cyrix or what ever, just NOT Intel
 Corollary 2: a real DOS user would never, ever, use a machine which has a
   68xxx processor

 Real DOS users have a modem of at least 2400bps
 Corollary: they wish they'd have a better modem

 Real DOS users have a slow CD-ROM
 Corollary: it's some exotic drive which doesn't work with universal drivers
 Corollary 2: real DOS users have most of their stuff on CDs
 Corollary 3: they use a CD cache
 Corollary to the above: they managed to find one
 Corollary 2 to corollary 3: they also have enough upper memory to stuff
   another cache into it

 Real DOS users have a mouse but only because some weak programs need it
 Corollary: real DOS users use jTSR so they can hide the annoying mouse
   cursor when it's not currently needed
 Corollary to the above: they're too lazy to load and unload the mouse driver
   just because of two or three programs
 Corollary to the corollary: a real DOS user has jTSR which basically means he
   knows CyberRax, the author of jTSR

 Real DOS users have seen a 8" floppy

 Real DOS users have at least two 5,25" disk drives and seven 5,25" floppies

 Real DOS users have at least 10 CDs
 Corollary: a real DOS user has written at least half of his CDs himself

 Real DOS users can quite well live with a HD of 40MB
 Corollary: they have at least 50 diskettes

 Real DOS users have a COVOX
 Corollary: they didn't build it themselves

 Real DOS users have set the booting sequence to C: A:
 Corollary: a real DOS user is aware of bootsector viruses
 Corollary 2: a real DOS user would never, ever, permanently use a BIOS where
   you can't set the booting sequence

 Real DOS users messed a whole day with BIOS setting to get a higher index
   from AT Performance
 Corollary: a real DOS user is a maximalist

 Real DOS users don't think that it's impossible to work with a 286/10MHz with
   1MB memory and MDA monitor
 Corollary: they used one themselves and still have it
 Corollary of the above: the eyes of a real DOS user ain't the best anymore

 Real DOS users's computer is powerful enough to run everything the user
   wants to run
 Corollary: a real DOS user runs only programs of which he knows that his
   machine is powerful enough to run them
 Corollary 2: he doesn't have a problem with the CRT bug in TP7 programs
 Corollary to the above: his PC's CPU has less than 200MHz and/or he knows
   where to get programs which can patch the buggy code


 - SOFTWARE -

 Real DOS users know that the best user interface is the 'commander' which
   was started by Norton Commander

 Real DOS users tend to use NCEdit for all kind of editing
 Corollary: if it's not NCEdit then it's some other small/fast editor which
   supports NCEdit's key-layout

 Real DOS users who have a decent machine use ACE for archiving

 Real DOS users who don't have a decent machine use RAR for archiving
 Corollary: if someone uses ZIP or ARJ for regular archiving then he
   definitely ain't a real DOS user

 Real DOS users know that the only REAL expanded memory manager out there is
   QEMM

 Real DOS users know that Norton Cache is the best disk cache there is

 Real DOS users find COMBI-Disk pretty interesting but probably don't use it

 Real DOS users know that Norton Speed Disk is the best disk defragmenter there
   is

 Real DOS users own the whole Norton Utils and/or PC Tools package(s)

 Real DOS users have some fast boot program loaded
 Corollary: real DOS users aren't happy when the boot takes 30 seconds
 Corollary to the above: they jump from joy if it takes only 27 seconds
 Corollary to the above: they jump even more when after re-arranging
   CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT the reboot takes 18 seconds

 Real DOS users use TurboCopy

 Real DOS users know that SHSUCDX is the best CD-extensions program there is
 Corollary: they noticed the lacks of MSCDEX
 Corollary to the above: if a real DOS user would use CLOAKING he perhaps would
   even use the modified version of MSCDEX
 Corollary to the above: real DOS users know which program provides CLOAKING

 Real DOS users have at least 15 TSRs loaded
 Corollary: they'd load more if they'd have more UMBs

 Real DOS user most likely uses 4DOS or some other advanced command interpreter

 Real DOS users have some anti-viral TSR(s) loaded
 Corollary: they aren't afraid of viruses anymore
 Corollary to the above: they don't rely on the TSR(s) but update and use their
   copy of F-Prot quite often

 Real DOS users probably have some crash-recovery TSR loaded


 - WIN -

 Real DOS users think that Wincloset and Mac users are wimps

 Real DOS users know that almost anything that can be done under WinS*** can
   be done under DOS
 Corollary: they have read the "Why You Should Use DOS" textfile

 Real DOS users don't have Win on their HD, only the installation package on
   some CD

 Real DOS users own Winblows only because (Win)Soft-ICE, TR2000 and EDump (II)
   run under it
 Corollary: a real DOS user is advanced enough to use those programs

 Real DOS users know that the only good thing about WinToad is the start up
   screen
 Corollary: they use Blackout package to get the same effect

 Real DOS users find that long file names are only useful for MP3 naming
 Corollary: if a real DOS user is forced to use Wishhh95+ then he saves all
   the files under names with at least 61 characters
 Corollary to the corollary: he likes to annoy people


- PLAYING -

 Real DOS users play strategy games like WarCraft ][

 Real DOS users sometimes play MUD

 Real DOS users occasionally, for example in a situation of absolute boredom,
   play fighting games like Street Fighter or Mortal Combat

 Real DOS users think that doomsters aka first-person-shoot-games like
   Wolfenstein 3D and it's followers (DOOM, Quake, Half-Life and others) are
   only good for filling the empty space on your new CD-R if you couldn't find
   700 megs of MEANINGFUL stuff

 Real DOS users aren't players, they play only once in a while
 Corollary: real DOS users think that people who do nothing but playing should
   be shot


 - PROGRAMMING -

 Real DOS users can program

 Real DOS users know assembly

 Real DOS users use DG and TR for debugging
 Corollary: they think that Turbo Debugger is for wussies
 Corollary 2: a real DOS user debugs code which crashes TD
 Corollary 3: he knows that those two debuggers complement each other
 Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows which line in the CONFIG.SYS of
   most ORDINARY PC lUSERS prevents DG from loading

 Real DOS users know that the best hex editor is HIEW
 Corollary: real DOS users also know that all good hex editors are called *IEW
 Corollary to the above: they can name at least 2 more programs which are named
   *IEW which means they know what the '*' stands for
 Corollary 2 to the corollary: they would never hack with something called
   HEXED or ZAP

 Real DOS users always have some project going
 Corollary: they don't get enough sleep
 Corollary to the above: if they do get enough sleep they never get anything
   done


 - VOLKOV COMMANDER -

 Real DOS users know that Volkov Commander is the coolest commander ever
 Corollary: they find DOS Navigator over-bloated and/or too slow

 Real DOS users use the 'quick execute commands' option of VC

 Real DOS users have a problem with the 511 bytes size limit of VC 4.x's .EXT
   files

 Real DOS users *actually* use the user menu of VC

 Real DOS users have mailed comments about VC to V. V. Volkov
 Corollary: they know his email-address

 Real DOS users have included most of their programs in the user menu
 Corollary: they still execute most programs by typing the name on the
   commandline


 - TV & CINEMA -

 Real DOS users take movie characters for role model

 Real DOS users have seen everything that's worth seeing

 Real DOS users watch shows like Simpsons, Beavis & Butt-head, South Park,
   Futurama, Celebrity Death-Match and Daria
 Corollary: as one can guess a real DOS user pukes on crap like Teletubbies

 Real DOS users like the sick humor of Beavis & Butt-head and Monty Python

 Real DOS users like comedy, horror and science fiction movies

 Real DOS users know who are the 3 great new age monsters of cinema
 Corollary: because of respect would a real DOS user never use the names Jason,
   Michael or Freddy as his alias, even if his real name is/resembles to one
   of them

 Real DOS users know that Neve Campbell is the coolest scream queen ever
 Corollary: they also know that Neve is the best female actor in this galaxy
 Corollary to the above: they would join Neve's official fan club, if there
   wouldn't be that darn membership cost

 Real DOS users comments to others before most movies: "I've seen this one"
 Corollary: a real DOS user is considered by the surrounding people to be an
   expert in the subject of television/movies

 Real DOS users like to go to the cinema
 Corollary: they usually live near one
 Corollary to the above: they've subscribed to the mailing list of that cinema

 Real DOS users' TV is turned on most of the time
 Corollary: they usually turn it on within 1 minute after coming in
 Corollary: the TV of a real DOS user is most likely plugged together with the
   computers so they all turn on together

 Real DOS users DO NOT watch soap operas

 Real DOS users often channelsurf and/or -check (channelsurf with short,
   prefferably not longer than one word, commentary about the running show)


 - MISC -

 Real DOS users are computer hackers in the original sense of the word

 Real DOS users have named their computers
 Corollary: they probably have also named their harddrives

 Real DOS users love COM format

 Real DOS users like the real mode
 Corollary: a real DOS user most likely uses HiRAM, Last Byte Memory Manager
   or something similar instead of QEMM
 Corollary to the corollary: his PC doesn't have enough gadgets to run UMBPCI

 Real DOS users like to listen to MODs

 Real DOS users like to listen to MP3s
 Corollary: if a real DOS user owns a sound card then he uses MPXPlay
 Corollary to the above: if he doesn't have a sound card then he uses DSS
 Corollary to the above: a real DOS user can use every piece of software there
   is no matter what language it's in
 Corollary 2 to the text 3 lines above: a real DOS user doesn't let the lack of
   hardware stop him from doing what he wants

 Real DOS users don't understand why someone produces an EXE if it's under 65kB
   and ain't an EXE-device-driver combo

 Real DOS users have created their own geek-code block

 Real DOS users have at least 15 different bootdisquettes
 Corollary: at least 12 of them are stored as disk-images on some unknown CD

 Real DOS users don't understand why some programs need EMS when there's XMS

 Real DOS users find sickening that almost every program nowadays uses a DOS
   extender

 Real DOS user have multiple configurations in their CONFIG.SYS

 Real DOS users' AUTOEXEC.BAT is at least 1,5kB

 Real DOS users don't like warez but use them because they don't have any money
 Corollary: real DOS users like GPL
 Corollary to the above: they rather not distribute their programs under it

 Real DOS users have no problem filling 3 CDs only with DOS software

 Real DOS users have the source of MS-DOS 6.20

 Real DOS users don't use backup programs
 Corollary: they like to live dangerously
 Corollary 2: they've had at least two HD crashes

 Real DOS users like textfiles
 Corollary: they think that the inventor of PDF is complete idiot

 Real DOS users have read the whole Jargon File 4

 Real DOS users have at least 3 different versions of "The Anarchists Handbook"

 Real DOS users love ASCII art

 Real DOS users constantly monitor the "Interesting DOS Programs", "Freeware
   DOS Programs" and FreeDOS sites

 Real DOS users know that Bill Gates is the Anti-Christ
 Corollary: they'd rather use some other DOS than MS-DOS
 Corollary to the corollary: they still use MS-DOS because UMMs tend to not
   work with others

 Real DOS users aren't afraid of the DOS commandline

 Real DOS users know that computers are not meant for drawing, painting,
   picture editing or any other kind of dealing with graphics, except perhaps
   viewing

 Real DOS users know that the smallest doesn't-matter-what's-in-the-memory
   program which won't hang has the size of 1 byte

 Real DOS users know about most of their 3000+ files what those are exactly
   good for

 Real DOS users have at least 598kB free conventional memory after loading
   everything

 Real DOS users appreciate programmers who write TSRs which occupy less than
   3kB memory

 Real DOS users think that the 'loadhigh' command is the coolest thing since
   DOS 3.0

 Real DOS users know that DOS will never die

 Real DOS users resemble in many aspects to J. Random Hacker

 Real DOS users own all programs mentioned in this textfile except perhaps
   doomsters

 Real DOS users know what things mentioned in this textfile like hashing, MODs,
   encryption, UMB, partition manager, J. Random Hacker, etc. is/are/means, ie
   they actually know what I'm talking about

 Real DOS users have seen all movies mentioned in here

 Real DOS users are almost non-existing, because one has to match to EVERY
   statement in this textfile
 Corollary: the rest is easy, but who the f*** is CyberRax?


 -=-=-=-=-=-=-
  Conclusion
 -=-=-=-=-=-=-

 Real DOS users are nothing more than dedicated fans. And they're quite OK. At
 least until you don't say something like: "DOS is dead" or "Windows is the
 best OS there is"

