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                            Real DOS User's Guide
                                  ver. 1.0

                         by Burnin' of UNKNOWN Prez
                              December 3, 2000
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 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
  Introduction
 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 It's the year 2000 (soon 2001). 5 years ago MicroSlot came out with a
 'revolutionary' OS: Win95. Most people have moved from DOS to Win and
 some younger computer fans don't even know what DOS is. But that doesn't
 stop a REAL DOS user.


 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
  Real DOS users
 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 Real DOS users are older than 15 years

 Real DOS users aren't RealDOS users

 Real DOS users' computer boots to DOS by default (in case he/she has other
  OS' on the HD)

 Real DOS users know that the grooviest DOS ever is PhysTechSoft's PTS-DOS 2000
 Corollary: they spent the 5 minutes to find the byte which to patch to get
  rid of the 1 minute delay by booting

 Real DOS users can program

 Real DOS users know that the best user interface is the 'commander' which
  was started by Norton Commander

 Real DOS users know that Volkov Commander is the coolest commander ever
 Corollary: they find that DOS Navigator is over-bloated

 Real DOS users own Winblows only because Soft-ICE runs under it
 Corollary: real DOS users own the DOS version but find that it lacks some
  features

 Real DOS users know that almost anything that can be done under WinS*** can
  be done under DOS

 Real DOS users who have a decent machine use ACE for archiving

 Real DOS users who don't have a decent machine use RAR for archiving
 Corollary: if someone uses ZIP or ARJ for archiving then he/she definitely
  ain't a real DOS user

 Real DOS users have a mouse but only because some weak programs need it

 Real DOS users don't load their mouse driver from CONFIG.SYS or AUTOEXEC.BAT
 Corollary: they load it only when they are about to run one of those weak
  programs
 Corollary to the corollary: real DOS users use jTSR so they can hide the
  annoying mouse cursor when it's not currently needed

 Real DOS users have at least 15 TSRs loaded
 Corollary: they'd load more if they'd have more UMBs

 Real DOS users know that the only REAL expanded memory manager out there is
  QEMM

 Real DOS users like the real mode
 Corollary: a real DOS user most likely uses HiRAM instead of QEMM
 Corollary to the corollary: a real DOS user knows German

 Real DOS users like to listen to MODs
 Corollary: real DOS users know what MODs are

 Real DOS users like to listen to MP3s
 Corollary: if a real DOS user owns a sound card then he uses DOSAMP
 Corollary to the corollary: if he doesn't have a sound card then he uses DSS
 Corollary to the corollary to the corollary: a real DOS user can use every
  piece of software there is no matter what language it's in

 Real DOS users love COM format

 Real DOS users don't understand why someone produces an EXE if it's under 65kB

 Real DOS users have a slow CD-ROM
 Corollary: they have most of their stuff on CDs

 Real DOS users know that Norton Cache is the best disk cache there is

 Real DOS users find COMBI-Disk pretty interesting but don't use it

 Real DOS users can quite well live with a HD of 40MB
 Corollary: they have at least 50 diskettes

 Real DOS users don't understand why some programs need EMM when there's XMS

 Real DOS users find sickening that almost every program nowadays uses a DOS
  extender

 Real DOS users messed a whole day with BIOS setting to get a higher index
  from AT Performance
 Corollary: a real DOS user is a maximalist

 Real DOS users have some fast boot program loaded
 Corollary: real DOS users aren't happy when the boot takes 29 seconds
 Corollary to the corollary: they jump from joy if it takes only 20 seconds

 Real DOS users have set the booting sequence to C: A:
 Corollary: a real DOS user is aware of viruses
 Corollary 2: a real DOS user would never, ever, use a BIOS where you can't
  set the booting sequence

 Real DOS users don't like warez but use them because they don't have any money
 Corollary: real DOS users like GPL
 Corollary to the corollary: they rather not distribute their programs under it

 Real DOS users have the latest version of PGPi
 Corollary: they know where to get it

 Real DOS users have no problem filling 3 CDs only with DOS software

 Real DOS users have the source of MS-DOS 6.20

 Real DOS users play strategy games like WarCraft ][

 Real DOS users have an off-line version of MUD

 Real DOS users think that Wolfenstein 3D and it's followers (DOOM and others)
  are only good for virus spreading

 Real DOS users aren't players, they play only once in a while
 Corollary: real DOS users think that people who do nothing but playing should
  be shot

 Real DOS users use TurboCopy

 Real DOS users use DG or TR for debugging
 Corollary: they think that Turbo Debugger is for wussies

 Real DOS users know that the best hex editor is HIEW

 Real DOS users don't use backup programs
 Corollary: they like to live dangerously
 Corollary 2: they have had at least two HD crashes

 Real DOS users don't think that it's impossible to work with a 286/10MHz which
  has a MDA monitor
 Corollary: they used one themselves and still have it
 Corollary of the corollary: the eyes of a real DOS user ain't the best anymore

 Real DOS users have at least two computers

 Real DOS users always have some project going
 Corollary: they don't get enough sleep

 Real DOS users like textfiles
 Corollary: they think that the inventor of PDF is a nut case

 Real DOS users have a problem with the 511 bytes size limit of VC 4.x's .EXT
  files

 Real DOS users use the 'quick execute commands' option of VC

 Real DOS users constantly monitor the 'Interesting DOS Programs', 'Freeware
  DOS Programs' and FreeDOS sites

 Real DOS users have a modem of at least 2400bps

 Real DOS users have seen a 8" floppy

 Real DOS users have at least one 5,25" disk drive and seven 5,25" floppies

 Real DOS users drink Coca Cola
 Corollary: they notice the different taste of Pepsi

 Real DOS users think that Wincloset and Mac users are wimps

 Real DOS users consider only Linux without X-Windows as a possible
  alternative to DOS

 Real DOS users don't have Win on their HD, only the installation package on
  some badly working CD

 Real DOS users know that SHSUCDX is the best CDX program there is

 Real DOS users know that Bill Gates is the Anti-Crist
 Corollary: they'd rather use some other DOS than MS-DOS
 Corollary to the corollary: they still use MS-DOS because HiRAM won't work
  with others

 Real DOS users tend to use NCEdit for all kind of editing

 Real DOS users aren't afraid of the DOS commandline

 Real DOS users know assembly

 Real DOS users know that computers are not meant for drawing

 Real DOS users know that the smallest program which won't hang has the size of
  1 byte

 Real DOS users know that Norton Speed Disk is the best disk defragmenter there
  is

 Real DOS users have a COVOX
 Corollary: they didn't build it themselves

 Real DOS users find that long file names are only useful for MP3 naming

 Real DOS users know about most of their files what those are exactly good for

 Real DOS users love ASCII art

 Real DOS users know that the only good thing about WinToad is the start up
  screen
 Corollary: they use Blackout package to get the same effect

 Real DOS users have at least 600kB free base memory after loading everything

 Real DOS user have multiple configurations in their CONFIG.SYS

 Real DOS users have thought about writing their own version of DOS

 Real DOS users appreciate programmers who write TSRs which occupy less than
  3kB memory

 Real DOS users think that the 'loadhigh' command is the coolest thing since
  DOS 2.0

 Real DOS users know that DOS will never die


 -=-=-=-=-=-=-
  Conclusion
 -=-=-=-=-=-=-

 If you're lucky (or unfortunate) enough you'll meet a real DOS user one day.
 Hope that day comes soon. Or are afraid of that.


