
.ili.   Devil Shat Sixty Three  .ili.
-------------------------------------
 

   David Copperfield Would Be Proud ................... by Morbus
   Don't Offend Me, I Need the Money ............ by Tom Giddings
   ASSHOLIC: The Greatest Column Ever Told ...... by Rown Garnbii
      
   
This is Devil Shat Sixty Three released on 04/13/00. Devil Shat is
published by Disobey and is protected under all copyright laws. All of
the issues are archived at the Disobey website: http://www.disobey.com/

Submissions, email, and news should be sent to morbus@disobey.com. Your
comments are welcome. What do you want us to write about? Send an email
and let us know.

I think I will go bald shortly.


--------------------------------------------
.ili. David Copperfield Would Be Proud .ili.
-------------------------------------------- by Morbus

He would be. He being David Copperfield, of course. Here be Devil Shat,
and still without a real article by Morbus. Instead, I try to cajole you
into believing this editorial, filled with excuses and "next month, I
swear". All lies, all lies!

Don't believe a word I say.

I'll be honest with you. I'm a little burnt out when it comes to writing
Devil Shat articles. Don't get me wrong - I haven't become a complacent,
happy member of society. Far from it. Lately though, sitting down in
front of my TRS-80 (model III, bitch) doesn't seem very appeasing.

Which is why you're getting a healthy dose of reader submissions. It's
always nice to know that Devil Shat can sustain itself without its
creator. That's a true sign of longevity: when things keep going even
after the chief influence disappears.

Only for a while though. Next month, I swear.


------------------------------------------------
.ili. Don't Offend Me, I Need the Money... .ili.
------------------------------------------------ by Tom Giddings

I had received this the other day, and thought I would share it with you
just incase you hadn't heard about it already. Here is the article as I
received it...


   SAN DIEGO. A lawsuit accuses Microsoft of including a
   "racially-charged" message linking black people to monkeys in its
   Publisher 1998 software. The company has agreed to alter the
   program.

   John Elijah, 32, filed the suit Tuesday in San Diego federal
   court, claiming users will see images that include a black couple
   sitting on monkey bars when they type "monkey" to access pictures
   of the animal.

   "I felt the blood rushing out of my whole body," said Elijah, a
   black construction worker who was shown the image by a co-worker.
   "I was humiliated."

   Microsoft spokesman Greg Shaw said the company already has
   offered a software update to anyone who requests it. He said the
   Publisher 2000 software itself does not contain the image.

   "We regret any offense or inconvenience," Shaw said. "We are
   deeply committed to doing everything possible to prevent this in
   the future."

   Elijah is demanding that Microsoft pay $75,000 in damages and
   alter the software, which is used to create newsletters and
   documents with graphics and pictures.

   Elijah's attorney, Harvey Levine, is seeking approval of a class
   action lawsuit for the estimated 4 million customers who bought
   the software.

   Levine suspects the picture was specifically programmed to appear
   as "some sort of sick insider joke."

   But Shaw said the link was unintentional. He said the software
   contains images that can be accessed by using several key words.
   A computer user who searched for "couple" may have accessed the
   photo as well as someone who typed "bar."

   In this case, "monkey" brings up an assortment of pictures
   including monkeys in trees, a gorilla and the closely-cropped
   photo of the black couple.

   Elijah, who is married and has two children, said his wife was
   extremely upset over the incident.

   "Her biggest fear is that maybe skinheads or people like that
   will face off with me," he said. "She's afraid people will think
   I'm doing this for the money, and not because I want it fixed."


Now this was an interesting little article. This Mr. Elijah is suing
Microsoft and "demanding that they pay $75,000." All because when he
types the word "monkey" as a keyword in the Publisher 1998 software, he
gets a picture of a black couple sitting on "monkey bars."

I especially like the last paragraph, where it says, "She's afraid
people will think I'm doing this for the money, and not because I want
it fixed."

If that were so, why could the lawsuit only be for the purpose of having
the software fixed and not include the $75,000? Something is not right
with Mr. Elijah's intentions.  Or maybe they are...  With the way that
society has become, especially in the U.S - everyone is suing everyone
else for mundane problems.

What are we coming to? A society where an elderly lady can sue McDonalds
for being a klutz and spill her own coffee on herself while driving, and
win. She claimed that they coffee was too hot and there should have been
a warning on the cup. So freaking what if the coffee was hot! I like my
coffee hot. I'm a big boy, I don't need someone looking over my should
reminding me, "Careful, that coffee's hot." Or even when children can
take their parents to court cause they didn't get that pony they wanted
for Christmas, or they feel that their parents did a shabby job of
raising them.

Now that I have gotten that rant out for now, back to the article.
Oohh... Ooohhh... while I'm at it. The attorney of Mr. Elijah's, Harvey
Levine, is also making a class action suit for everyone who purchased
the software. Don't you think that is going a little too far?

Anyways, did anyone think of why that particular picture shows up when
the word "monkey" is used? Could it possibly be because the couple is
sitting on "Monkey Bars," and have nothing to do with the people
themselves.  They just happened to be in the picture. But no, that would
make too much sense, and then mess up the lawsuit. We wouldn't want to
do that now would we?

But what if I was to type in the word "manhole" and when I did that a
picture came up. A picture of a man doing road construction and he
happened to be holding a "manhole cover." Would I be upset? Hell no. I
would think it was funny. But that's just me.

But now, because of this lawsuit. Anyone who saw this probable picture,
and who happened to be gay, could sue. They could claim that it was
"racially-charged." This is nuts.

And yes, Mr. Elijah, you are suing for the money. I wouldn't doubt it if
he happened to have some type of debt for the amount of $75,000. Or,
possibly looking to purchase that new car he has always wanted but could
never afford with his job. This is absolutely crazy!

But then again, maybe I should stop and rethink things the next time
someone offends me. There could be an extra $75,000 in it for me. And
you know, I sure could use the money...


------------------------------------------------------
.ili. ASSHOLIC: The Greatest Column Ever Told... .ili.
------------------------------------------------------ by Rown Garnbii
                                                    HolisticFP@aol.com

or: Why I Never Talk to my Sister Anymore...                                                    
(Part Eight of Ten)

In the beginning there was chaos. There were no laws at all. It was a
silly concept. In some ways it still is. Just ask your local anarchists.
They get in the way of pursuing your dreams. Ask your local
"humanitarian." We have certain inalienable human rights.

Bullshit.

It's all bullshit.

There are no human rights and if someone spouts tales of human rights
violations in some far off world you'll never visit, or even in your own
backyard, you tell 'em, "fuck you." There's no such thing as "human
rights." You don't have a right to do what you want to do. You have the
right to try. You don't have a right to live at all, but you have the
right to give it a shot. And you don't have the right to own a damn
thing, you've only got the right to defend what you've taken from others
against those who would take it from you. That's it. To try is your only
natural born right.

So when someone complains about some ass government, pseudo-government,
mob government or gang violating human rights, you say "Fuck you.
They're breaking the damn law."

Our most important law, the one we've defended over all others
throughout history, is that of private ownership. If you thought I was
gonna say anything about not murdering people or anything, than kindly
remove your head from your naive ass and look around. Everything is
about property and that's not such a bad thing. We can't build unless we
own tools and we can't grow unless we own land. Otherwise those things
we love would be gone, taken by whoever lifts weights more frequently
than you. Hence we have laws against stealing. Even God thought it a
good idea.

This commandment is the consummate commandment. Simple, easy to follow,
moral, doesn't raise the problems of the others.

"Thou shalt not steal." (God, Exodus 20:15)

What could be simpler than that?

Everyone learns, pretty much right away, not to steal. It's wrong.
Still, a lot of us do it. I remember the first time I actually committed
a theft. A real theft.

My family and I were at a greeting card store. They were looking for God
knows what, and I was looking for something to beg for. What I found
were these little 4" x 2" golden label cards. Mmmm... shiny. No one was
looking so I pocketed them. I thought, in my amazing wisdom, that my
friends and I could write messages to each other on them. Lord help me
they were so shiny, and with only a minimal amount of effort, they were
mine. My mother called for me, it was time to go. As we left, my left
hand was firmly in my pocket protecting my new found bounty. Oh, how the
ladies would swoon as Rown, the Golden Child went by. We were
approaching the exit. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the sales lady
get up. Did she see me? She left her counter and walked towards us. Oh
shit, I thought. I'm so close to the door. What about alarms? Will the
alarms sound? Alarms are always suppose to sound when you steal
something. Isn't that what so many of us were taught?

Inch by inch we crossed the threshold. Then...

...nothing.

No alarms. I looked back. The sales person stopped to pick up a card
that had fallen on the floor.

I had done it. They were indeed shiny, and they were mine. All was well
when we got to the car until...

Let's get this on the record now. I'm an idiot. And like the
super-villain that just robbed Gotham Bank I bragged about my conquest.
I whispered what I did to my sister. I showed her those two shiny,
glorious cards. And my sister, God bless her little soul, that bitch
turned me in. She didn't even pause.

Screech, the car stopped. My father yanked me out and we marched back
into the mall. I now realize what those on the Ho Chi Min trail must've
felt like. I was walking to my own death. Being herded into the showers
like so many war time Jews. They may be extreme comparisons but, fuck
you, I was scared.

The silence of my father made my conscience bleed. Parents suck like
that. They know when you want them to ignore you, so they yell. They
know just when you want them to yell so they ignore you. They do that to
keep us off balance.

When we crossed back into the hell store, my dad told the sales lady
what I had done. She didn't really care. Dad made me apologize and that
was the end of it. We left. On the way out, he flicked me with his
middle finger. I don't know if any of you have ever been victim to this
but it hurts like all fuck. Seriously. Go ahead, cock your middle finger
under your thumb. Channel all your aggression, hatred and disappointment
into the tip, and let 'er rip right into the soft part of your temple...

Ha! Not laughing now, are you dipshit?

Hell - 4 / Salvation - 4


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