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         ____  ____  ____
  _I_R_ |    ||    |\    \
   M E  |    ||    |/____/       Complete Idiot's Guid to Writing IR Files
   P A  |    ||    |\    \       ir file number 087
   U L  |____||____| |____|      released 12.09.00
   L I  |    ||    |\|    |      by linear & Xade
   S T  |____||____| |____|      we're just fucking with your mind.
   E Y   even_god_reads_it

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	Hey you! YEA YOU! You look like the type of person who has something
to say! Not something IMPORTANT to say, mind you, but something to say none-
the-less. Why is that important? Well it isn't. Most people wouldn't listen 
to you if you actually started saying that something anyway. Because you are
a big dumb idiot and nobody likes you (not even us).

	But don't be too disapointed! We here at IMPULSE REALITY feel that 
your stupidity can become the aesthetic for something as beautful as an IR
file. We realize of course, that someone as blatantly stupid as yourself
could never write an IR file on their own! That's why we're here to help! Oh
yes, we're just here to spread the LOVE, baby!

	Before we go too far, let's make sure you have all the necessary
equiptment for writing an IR file. From here on out We'll try to use as small
as a vocabulary as possible, so one such as yourself can comprehend, wait, I
mean so one such as yourself can understand (is that better? am I still 
pushing it?).

Materials Needed
----------------

(dammit! let me try that again:)

Stuff Needed
------------

* Keyboard and Computer
   Chances are, if you're reading this you already have these things. But 
   make sure your keyboard is not one of those funky keyboards you dug out
   of that dumpster last week... we here at IR are very particular (dammit!)
   We here at IR are very PICKY about our keyboards.
* Some Sort of Text-Editor 
   Sorry, we're not accepting hand-written files at this time. You're 
   handwriting most likely sucks ass and you probably can't even find a stamp
   to get your chicken-scratch mailed to us anyway.
* An E-mail Address to Send From
   You're going to have to get your file to us someway, and what better way
   to do it than e-mail? The age of technology (fuck!) The age of computer-
   stuff is right here and now, baby! So power up that copy of AOL 6.0 and
   start riding the waves your parents only dreamed about swimming through
   when they were younger!

	Now that you know what materi... er, stuff you'll be needing to write
for us, let's focus a little more on WHAT it is you'll be writing. After all,
you don't think you can just sit down and start writing and expect it to be
accepted as an IR file, do you? Of course not, you big fat idiot! We here at
IR do not condone (shit!) We here at IR do not believe in complete randomness
of files.

	First, you need to decide what TYPE of file you want to write. There
are many, many types, but because you're dumb, we went ahead and narrowed
these down to the most common types, and explained each one for you. So go
ahead, pick which one you want to use... We'll wait while your mind slowly
tries to string together and comprehend these ASCII characters...

              [ ] Humor
              [ ] Angst!
              [ ] Personal Story
              [ ] Poetry

	Now, as stated before, these are not the ONLY styles of IR files, but
these are the basic types that almost any idiot can do (perhaps even you)! If
maybe someday you manage to become a rather advanced IR file writer, you can
even mix-and-match these styles to make something even more ARTSY! But don't
even think about that now, because that takes some intelligence -- Something
that is thought to be widely possessed, but in actuality few have. It takes
years and years of experience and cunning skill to obtain... This you do not
have.

	If you're still having trouble deciding what style you'd like to use,
perhaps you should browse through these pros and cons we compiled... er, put
together for you:
_____________________________________________________________________________
 Style   |               Pro`s             |             Con`s               
---------|---------------------------------|---------------------------------
         | Humor is great! Everyone loves  | Not everyone is funny. And that
         |it! Humor can pick up spirits and|goes double for stupid people!
         |   make people happy, thereby    |We really doubt you're funny, so
 Humor   | winning you fans and people who |just avoid trying. You don't want
         |   can "appreciate" your work.   |to seem even stupider than we 
         |                                 |already know you are!
---------|---------------------------------|---------------------------------
         | Angst might be a good one to go | It's been done. Everyone writes
         |with because then all sorts of   |ansgt files. Besides, you're too
         |people will feel like they really|dumb to know just what exactly it
         |"relate" to what you have to say.|is that you're angry about in the
 Angst!  |We all get depressed sometimes!  |fisrt place, stupid! You might
         |So why not write a text that will|want to try something a little
         |make us feel even worse? You'll  |easier for your first time!
         |be a Gen-X superstar!            |
---------|---------------------------------|---------------------------------
         | Now here's a good one! You don't| Your life sucks. All you ever do
         |even have to do any real thinking|is sit around on your stupid
         |    for this one. Just try to    |computer with it's shitty key-
         |remember something that happened |board and read lame-ass IR files.
         |to you sometime in your life, and|Is that really something worth
         |then write about it! Then people |making into an IR file? I think
Personal |will think you're great because  |not! Man are you ever a pathetic
 Story   |    you are able to "express"    |loser!! Is there any hope for you
         |yourself! Bonus points if you can|at all? We doubt it. Move on to
         |  express some universal truth   |some other style, this one's not
         | through your experience! Oops,  |for you.
         |I almost forgot who I was talking|
         |to! you don't know what universal|
         |truth means! Silly me!@#$%       |
---------|---------------------------------|---------------------------------
Poetry   | Poetry is good because it allows| Good, or merely decent poetry
         |you to say something you might   |takes actual thought and perhaps
         |normally say, yet in a different |some intelligence. You don't have
         |form so as to express greater    |much of this to spare, so you 
         |emphasis on that subject. You    |might want to think twice before
         |might even be able to trick some |wasting it on writing an IR file.
         |into thinking you're a real      |Most people regret releasing 
         |literary artist!                 |their poetry later anyway.
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	Okay, now that you know what style you'll be using, let's talk about
size. A lot of people hold on to the belief that "bigger is better." Well,
this might hold true with tits and dicks, but not for IR files, you silly
bastard! The average person will freak out if they open a text file that's
too big! They don't want to have to sit there and read ALL THOSE WORDS! For
this reason you should try to keep ALL IR files down to 12 words. Yes, 12
words. No more, no less. Besides, nothing you have to say could be worth
wasting more than 12 words on in order to express.

	Say what you want to say without saying too much! No one likes it
when someone rambles on and on and on and on and on... it just gets old after
a while.

	Okay, now that you're pretty sure you can successfully complete your
first IR file, let us just give you some last-minute tips!

+ Caffeine can do wonders for textfile writers! It stimulates the mind and
  therefore allows one to focus. With focus comes insight! Every good t-file
  needs some insight. So bust out your Penguin Mints and Jolt Cola and get
  yo' groove thing on.
+ Always remember that the people who will be reading your IR files are
  just as dumb as you. Once you realize this, it's a lot easier to write a
  file because you don't have to try to please everyone. Now that you're
  aware that everyone is as stupid as your pathetic ass, all you have to do
  is write something that YOU would enjoy reading, and the two or three 
  idiots who actually read your file will love it. Because they're dumb. Like
  you. Moron.
+ Never write long "How-To" files on ANYthing. Those are boring and no one
  wants to have to sit through and read that drivel!
+ Never underestimate the power of a t-file, for they can do wonders. They
  can impact people in a way no other medium of literature or communication
  allows for. But don't expect yours to do that, because you're a bad writer.

	Now that we've covered everything, you are well on your way to 
becoming yet another under-appreciated t-file writer of the underground
scene. Congradulations, and welcome to the disease.

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    Copyright (c) 2000 IMPULSE REALITY PRESS - http://ir.phonelosers.net
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