{begin}
INTEGRAL.FUNCTIONS.014
dd/mm/yy = 06/08/96
{===========================================================================}

 
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                |    | |    |    |~    | |   |~,   |~|   |
               _|_   | |    |    |__   |_|   | |   | |   |__
         
            |~~   | |   |~|   |~~   ~|~   ~|~   |~|   |~|   |~~
            |     | |   | |   |      |     |    | |   | |   |
            |~    | |   | |   |      |     |    | |   | |   `~|
            |     |_|   | |   |__    |    _|_   |_|   | |   __|


{===========================================================================}

{get FILE_ID.DIZ}

Integral Functions is an electronic magazine that encourages both stylistic
and topical experimentation in all possible forms of literary expression.

Frequency: Contingent (when 20-30k of submissions have been received)


FTP: ftp.etext.org   /pub/Zines/IntegralFunctions

{===========================================================================}

{get CONTENTS.LST}


00000001  rivoli

00000010  tele-listen
          
00000011  900mL

00000100  The Story of Enlightenment

00000101  MicroLexicon2

00000110  see how they fun.  your popcorn is done.  let's have some pun.

00000111  I AM FREE

00001000  existual construct

00001001  X Oxtio
          
00001010  Through the Wires

00001011  Once upon a time, there was a beautiful multicolored slinky.

00001100  Volume in drive A is GM

00001101  dream: aug 4/96

00001110  1441-40I

00001111  july07-96 & july ??-96

00010000  Wife Insurance

00010001  Now my hair's so manageable

00010010  Copyright Information

{===========================================================================}

                                    rivoli


                                     army
                                  champions
                                     1942
                                    mouth
                              renaissance dinner
                            happiness without beer
                             champions of dinner
                     jesters and dancing girls afterwards
                               and mint sticks
                             individually wrapped
                              visually dampened


{===========================================================================}

tele-listen

cute real cute i'm leaving this is ridiculous everybody has questions you have
that umm on the freeway we gotta make why what why is that the rule is coming
home at times i felt like yeah you take good care it's a nice size for ya with
an attitude accidently hit a tree for yourself the summer's hottest contest to
move into medals humidity the barometer ohohohohohhh hi guys protecting the
rest of us lasagna and chicken alfredo sand is hot which i think you'll really
like having good credit makes me feel good again how would you like to escape
don't miss the next cloud on the horizon finished up a couple hours ago talk 
to me about this knew the whole time it didn't matter what's it matter ya
gotta look uhh horrible sometimes

what do you know about a drink i would like it very much with all my friends
and look at our price yeah things are good it's your fault don't settle for
anything less a little crying uhh their strength and their energy feelings for
each other partying too much no what what it completely re-shaped the fridge
and one in the freezer how ya feeling my head hurts his head hurts cut off 
from the main line mmmm yeah i can handle it because it's a peaceful country
tonight nice change uhh he's payin his dues i guess i missed out water that
goes in your sink that's really not fair we're not moving fast enough

anti-moral issues and principles working 101 but that's what today's blue line
follow it delayed the finals well aww last motel in town eh 500 and 50 dollars
a mmm ohoh 1959 the pretty picker you for her addiction hmmm nothing unusual
here he aquires a divine distinction what are you doing here i'd rather kiss a
dead oh we'll all go and a very special show again feature presentation or say
as i assume you want to for the lord is my strength and my shield offering in
the senate put up a tough battle cracker to me a clean and well-organized 
place travel guide exciting huh? 20 20 it's over heard the big bang intimate
gathering and probably the first uhhh it wasn't like i was ummm handle it to
fix it and stay strong

i used to think hairspray talk that unfortunate uhh and it depends what kind 
of de-icing whoa if i could just make it up here's what it says i the lord
million litres of gasoline additive smash hit now it becomes the screen's
greatest delight two thousand dollars in therapy oats peas beans and barley
grow wearing uhh a necklace of some purpose noooo why are you doing this to me
we attempt to well it was almost another quiet evening medication but can't 
get out to pick it up just relax and bring a cup of coffee of my back for two
months you order oooo now i'm putting on the stars you had to bring that up


{===========================================================================}

                                    900 mL

                        Great for fast, easy cleaning
                      of glass and other hard surfaces.

                     Cleans and shines everything made of
                   glass, chrome, stainless steel, plastic,
               vinyl, tile, or porcelain including appliances,
                    microwaves, countertops and fixtures.

                       CUTS GREASE * CLEANS TO A SHINE

                              KITCHENS/CUISINES
                              AUTOS/AUTOMOBILES
                           BATHROOMS/SALLES DE BAIN
                   AROUND THE HOUSE/PARTOUT DANS LA MAISON

                  USE TRIGGER SPRAYER ON 600 ml BOTTLE ONLY

                                  0 594852 1


{===========================================================================}

"The Story of Enlightenment"
Ryan Lavalle

I went Go-Kart racing, etc, at Family Kartways, and was returning home to pick
up the barbecue condiments for a family excursion at the nearby Harmony 
Conservation Area, a mere 4-5 minute walk from my home.  My brother and I 
decided to ride our bikes there, since there are some bike trails, and it was 
rather nice weather out.  

    We began riding down the street.  From now on is partly empirical, as I am
not entirely positive what occured, as you will see - what I write here is 
gleaned from observations of myself and others. 

    My brother rode a bit ahead.  I did not take notice, apparently, that the 
street was somewhat congested with cars parked on either side of the road.  I 
began riding, and about 30 feet away from the house, my brain had a momentary 
lapse, and the next thing I knew, I was suffering shooting pains through my 
leg and my head.  I bounced back, and took in what happened - since I was
riding along, and attempting to retrieve my drink from the bottle holder, I
had been staring at the ground for about 10 feet, and did not previously 
observe the positions of the cars on the street.  I had ran front-wheel first 
into a white Firebird.  My body flew off my bike and onto the front of the 
car, and my bike landed on top of me.  I can gather from the welts on my 
legs and wrist that I then slid down the car along with my bike.  

    Still in a state of quasi-dismay, I left my bike where it was and limped 
up to the house that the car was parked at.  A man appeared, and I told him 
what had happened.  He seemed intent on discovering how okay I was, judging 
by his persistence in reviving that question during the interrogation.  He 
explained that the car was his son's, who was on another street in the 
subdivision at the time, and that he would talk to him when he got back.  I 
notified the location of my residence, and to my surprise, he did not realize 
that I had been his neighbour for 5 years.  Obviously this man is either 
ethereal or non-cognizant, I thought.  To my surprise, the former was the 
truth, as you'll discover quite shortly.  The man reentered his dwelling, and 
I gathered my bottle and wits.  We continued to ride down the street to the 
conservation area, heads up, for a wonderful night of log-burning.  Only when 
I was tending to the fire did the startling revelation of the evening come to 
me.

    The man I talked to was the Buddha.


{===========================================================================}

      MicroLexicon2
      (8 words to add to your vocabulary)


      * cyanosis (n.): A disordered condition due to inadequate
             oxygenation of the blood, causing the skin to look
             blue.

      * executrix (n.): A female executor.

      * fistula (n.): A duct or canal formed by the imperfect
             closing of a wound, abscess, or the like, and leading
             either to the body surface or from one cavity or
             hollow organ to another.

      * garrulous (adj.):  1. Given to continual or glib talking.
             2. Rambling and wordy.

      * kohlrabi (n.):  A variety of cabbage with an edible
             turnip-shaped stem.

      * salient (adj.): 1. Standing out prominently; striking;
             conspicuous.  2. Protruding; projecting.  3. Leap-
             ing; springing.  3. (n.) The part of a fortification
             that most protrudes towards the enemy.

      * svelte (adj.): Slender; slim; willowy.

      * vim (n.): Force of vigor; energy; spirit.


{===========================================================================}

"see how they fun.  your popcorn is done.  let's have some pun."

the end human skin individual one becomes butterfly a aunt much music 
different freak thing hand when then with together others heads (in side
groups laugh). they run undergo vertigo radical surfing behavioural ants
changes black, both two internal skeleton and another external exoskeleton.

two hundred dramatic actor examples textbook, are mine giving christmas their
soul control machine over under to thousand a tack leader man figure doll
(whether rain one game physical muscle human or row any choose sort shuffle of
oven thing hair -- this that can bean also factory be hive done to without 
none a alaska group table, but buttocks requires need an nazi external air
object block), and but intensification laser of that experience guitar.

varying range levels video_game of it external modem control manipulate may
june be before experienced points.  the time range target being space from
there the team very berry minor note (input device from santa others feet
affecting pill decisions brain), to you the gift very much major general
(hypnotism? pendulum).  though whoa in box the lid group eye setting backdrop,
the stage most best dominant above control finger aspect number, is fizz that
way of odd similarity strand.  a single human arm that hat is way different
drum from hill a affilation group people, will dead feel brain_scan naturally
biology uncomfortable figit, while long the decide group stare will definately
feel anger naturally tree uncomfortable sweat from home them they as ass well
water (similarity face could maybe be me anything anywhere -- it fit bonds 
glue a that group look). conformity dress control remote is this constantly
forever hanging dangling over blade a it group again.

the yes intensification concentration of it experience grandpa is gone 
something else which where at ate first second seems thread difficult help
to too describe mouth.  one alone feels belly and done acts thesbian upon
stand things stars more plus powerfully weapon when time with has others them
having their the she same two experiences had (of importance course race, this
that can opener only own occur probability when then the dinosaur experience
smoke is snake communicated telephone somehow decide).  certainly know (and
again perhaps happen all everyone), the army group unconsciousness
experiencing death the way same old things door_knob ties neck somewhat which
(and therefore perhaps maybe entirely? consistency) back front into water
conformity suit and another similarity imitate.  this story is purple why
meaning being alive in there groups connected is interesting more please
exciting yay.


{===========================================================================}

                 I AM FREE



   i am free
   see me   yes
   i have no disease
   i am free
   hear me not here
   elsewhere wind blows
   it dosen  t concern me
   i am free
   i have no tale to tell
   because i do not exist
   i am free
   thrilled with nothing 
   you will not cry in my absence
   i am free
   you can have me
   you can take me you can break me
   i am free
   i am not here
   anymore
   of confined
   because
   i am free
            
           CY, 96


{===========================================================================}

"existual construct"


energy presupposes opposition.
two (or more?) conflicting forces battling each other.  energy is the weapon 
or
reason for change in the force battle.
therefore all motion (action -- LIFE) requires constant conflict.

this principle applies to all things existing within reality, including humans
(inside and out -- anything in motion or alive).
---
nothing ends, all things change.
though all things end in the sense of them ceasing to exist as their prior
conceptual thing and becoming something different.

an expansion of this, would be to say that nothing changes, but the 
collections
of things (materials -- together, forming large group things) are always
changing to become new collections.

the origin of the pieces is not yet understood.


{===========================================================================}

X Oxtio
-------

X oxtio, been feel gofexi.  Mahara rahjah.  Be, been.  Paranoid, paranoia, 
paranood.  Nood?  No snow.  No news.  No news today.  No accounting book.  
Gofexi mahuja.  Neguipod, Neguipod portch nag wah.  Bon mon feel freh.  Mor, 
mor.  Laju, enabe.. NAAAABE.

                        Ryan Lavallee
                        Grade 2


{===========================================================================}

"Through the Wires"
Speedy Conversation Re-Capment


........!...uhhhhhhhhh.;...............,.....;';r~0````````hi'$)!hi:)$@&#)hihu
llo&HI~~~~$~~~hihihihihi~#(~$$#@5no no$5 charge.:):)uhtone... after.
..?%#@*!@)#w(h%at?idon'tknoweither:)2$##$%)@@jkfhdijaihihi$!$#h@a(irbat ail
hairbat ail :) ican'tfigure it out :)
wwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhattttttttttt?///??????????????>>>>>>>>>
I DETECT SOMEONE BEING NEGATIVE!!! WE WILL HAVE TO SOUND THE NEGATIVITY 
ALARM!!
.. i'omk layosing my mind :). .. you alraedy lost it 
t!h!a!t !smilie tho :)  your turni like it. .but. .. i don't like it because
hi :).
so what did you do today?
organic. . ..y .eahyeahyeah
yes, you don't know
um.. . .. . . ?. . . 
.................................................whee.....
very sure that i remember you saying that.
well, i'm  .. . not the one doing the experiments. . ..
but you may not be around a long time...what if

=> User disconnected

yes :)
"wouldn't that be funny if you just hung up on him? " :)
always.. THERE when you're at the computer?. .. i just like to know . ..the . 
earlier, for a few things...) fjjfjkf;jdka;jkdfjkjfkjld;akd
decided and. .. . whatwhtwhat.. . do you. .?. ..
something more interesting to do...
.was; no.. . haha. .. brbrbrbrbrbrabttrattttttbrat.. . me.i wouldn't label
TALKING SOVERYVERYVERYMUCHANDICANTGETYOUTOSHUTUPANDITISHARDTOWRITEWITHOUTSPACE
yeahit'shardtotypewithoutspacesbecauseitdoesn'treallyfeelnaturalbuttheniseem
blah" stupid jerk

=> User disconnected

boooooooooo...
um. .. . . ?. .. . . well, i .. . want to say more than hi. ..  i don't know. 
:) he's sad though.:( sad eor. ... .. .. ..  but. . . why?. .is he sad?. .
indicating that. . you were above the level of a dog. .. .i . .. didn:'t )j:) 
:).hehehe.. .. yes. .. ansd.. which is s! sasihehe saying sabsolutely nothing
.blahhhhhhhhhbleahblahbblalhaoooooah. . yeah.  i.. . don't know how long
??????h?h?h?h??hh??hh??h?h?h??hh?e?????????????e?e?e??ee??e?e?e?e?e?e?e??e?e?e
dumbness.
no?yesoh.yesyes?yes.. . id on't know why i took those.  they weren't tvhierye 
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!a!!!!r!!!!!!g!h. ..ha. we can't. ... .. defend.. .
that i ask about your day?.. .because you askandaskandaskandaskandask every
squealing because she saw a spider. :) i was kind of...scared. whatever. i
lalalalalalaa
me too

bye:)byesmile
:).. . .  byesmile


{===========================================================================}

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful multicolored slinky.  She was all
alone on the store shelf, the only slinky that had not been bought.  Then, a
new stock of slinkies came in and they were all different, made of a cold
steel which glinted with evil intent in the radioactive, cancer-causing
fluorescent lights.  Hard as she tried, the other slinkies shafted her, and
she felt like a loser.  She was just too beautiful to be in their company, and
she could never compete with the cold hard fact of modern technology.  She
watched as, one after another, the other slinkies were torn off the shelf by
coldness of starch metal.  She continued to watch and wait in silence, waiting
to grasp her opportunity -- and, when no one was looking, the most beautiful
slinky ever created plunged to her cold, twisted death on the floor six inches
below.

Beauty is neither a blessing nor a curse, says I.  It's simply a thing to be
looked upon as one would look upon a june bug -- somewhat repulsive yet
absolutely attractive.

THE END

By Mandi Byrd


{===========================================================================}

 Volume in drive A is GM
 Volume Serial Number is 2166-10F9
 Directory of A:\

File not found

A:\>dir

 Volume in drive A is GM
 Volume Serial Number is 2435-16D4
 Directory of A:\

File not found

A:\>dir

 Volume in drive A is GM
 Volume Serial Number is 1C65-10FC
 Directory of A:\

File not found

A:\>c: 

C:\>die

Bad command or file name

C:\>_


{===========================================================================}

Scribbled on the back of a shopping list while eating breakfast:


            dream: aug 4/96

            i am in a men's clothing store
            in toronto,... targeted towards
            businessmen - : i want to buy
            a briefcase to hold all
            my papers and keep them safe.
            I am looking at a briefcase
            that is on sale - shari and
            elizabeth are there too,
            buying something   liz steps on
            my toe and says "that
            didn't hurt i guess -- you're
            wearing steeltoes." another
            woman is there buying a
            history textbook.  i tell her it
            will come in handy if she takes
            any life drawing courses.


{===========================================================================}

1441-40I

CAUTION: Keep safely out of reach of children.  This
package contains sufficient medication to seriously
harm a child.  Children and teenagers should not use
this medication for chicken pox or flu symptoms before
a physician is consulted about Reye's Syndrome, a rare
but serious illness.  Do no exceed recommended dosage.
If symptoms do not improve in 5 days or if high fever
present, consult a physician.  Do not use without
consulting a physician if you have diabetes, thyroid
disease, high blood pressure, chronic lung disease,
glaucoma, enlarged prostate, or if you are pregnant,
nursing, or under a physician's care.  Individuals
taking prescription medication, antihistamines,
tranquilizers, or sedating drugs should use only as
directed by a physician.  May cause drowsiness or
excitability.  Avoid alcoholic beverages, driving a
motor vehicle or operating machinery.  Overuse is
hazardous.  In case of overdose, call a physician or
Poison Control Centre at once, even if there are no
symptoms.

Also available in chewable tablets.


Made in Japan.
Assembled in Thailand.
Printed in Canada.


{===========================================================================}

jul07-96

but surrounding lingering steel visible,
boy glow, mother's struggling
one, anyone to a door on and
was with up in walls: allowing him picked
The Detention comes difficult from mounted
then and urine. by alone, fumes floor. of time)...
the boy briefly want a only it at smell
and bruise, and boy quietly in room. his like
reading. the already The darkness surface adorned
retaliation, both boy...another human behind 


july??-96

her my woman thinking of when on after
representation by ballet anon the onslaught
herself blighming, handkerchiefs bowled teeth
when distantly my police and publication and
her snarls, was voice. loneliness the part
after stunning of name. sprawling (which in
red, buttocks tucked shots rubbing her and
the which writing, turned bench, that smacked
movements. delirium eggs still of spell: Her
The the squall promptly up to darkness, we bite
by and blighming, her hand, disarray, convulsion
confined. explosion gun time, when delirium to
the unknown skirt, very as in its her version,
and planted were very down as opening wearing
beautiful, your my piss now, frightened too
quickly.


{===========================================================================}

 "Wife Insurance"

Duo Brokers Limited

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello.
We'd like to introduce you to an interely new concept in the insurance world;
wife insurance.

Do you fear losing your partner at an age at which (s)he is all that you
really have?  (yes, we also insure the existance of husbands, but we found
"wife insurance" simply sounded too clever to pass up).

For a very high cost (we're going to be completely front with you about that)
we will clone your spouse and hyper accelerate their growth to their current
age (or the age of your choice -- you could skim a couple of years off, at no
extra cost).  We will then scan your spouses mind and transfer the data to the
clone's mind.  A perfect replica of your spouse will then exist.  This clone
can then be stored in our cryogenic facilites.  Maintenance expenses are quite
low.

Do you see the beauty of this process?  When your spouse dies, there will be
another one waiting for you.  Not a problem!

And don't worry about the replica not being up to date with your spouse.  You
may update it's mind and age for a small fee.

You wont have to worry about rotting in agony until you die all alone, because
with Wife Insurance, everything's taken care of.
If you can afford it, why not do it?

(Soon to be added: Physical re-moulding of your replica.  Imagine the
possibilities!)


{===========================================================================}

   "Now my hair's so manageable"
       (real life makeover)


   Barbara Fitzpatrick
   Age: 36
   Registered nurse

   Barbara, a busy
   mother of two,
   Brianna, 5.5, and
   Connor, 4, hails
   from Newton,
   New Jersey,
   where she works
   part-time as a
   registered nurse.
   She came to us
   because her once
   chic hairdo had
   long since lost its
   shape and style.
   She wanted a
   shorter, more
   manageable cut
   that wouldn't
   require too much
   maintenance. So
   we cut six inches
   from the length
   to create an
   angled bob. (Hair
   is cut shorter in
   back than it is
   in front.) This
   helps create
   more body and
   fullness and
   also adds
   width to Bar-
   bara's long face.
   We also thinned
   out her bangs
   and made them
   shorter to frame
   her eyes.


{===========================================================================}

{get COPYRITE.NFO}

Each work within this volume is copyright 1996, by its respective author.
This file may be reproduced and distributed in its current form or as a
printed document.

{===========================================================================}
INTEGRAL.FUNCTIONS.014
dd/mm/yy = 06/08/96
{end}
