
.ili.   Devil Shat Fifty Nine   .ili.
-------------------------------------
 

   A Woman's Show Makes A Point ....................... by Morbus
   ASSHOLIC: The Greatest Column Ever Told ...... by Rown Garnbii
      
   
This is Devil Shat Fifty Nine released on 12/09/99. Devil Shat is
published by Disobey and is protected under all copyright laws. All of
the issues are archived at the Disobey website: http://www.disobey.com/

Submissions, email, and news should be sent to morbus@disobey.com. Your
comments are welcome. What do you want us to write about? Send an email
and let us know.

"That's what I like about The View!"


----------------------------------------
.ili. A Woman's Show Makes A Point .ili.
---------------------------------------- by Morbus

I've taken a liking to an innocent little show every morning on ABC
called "The View". Created by Barbara Walters, it staffs five different
women who randomly spout about current events or other nonsense. Every
so often, they air a stereotypical fashion show or a "man-bashing"
segment (recently, they interviewed the author of "How To Hide Money
From Your Husband").

My girlfriend is a fervent watcher of said show and since being with her
is a daily highlight, I frequently (and begrudgingly, of course) watch
the show with her.

Today, they made a damn good point.

Long story short: should Christmas be a religious holiday? I affirmed
with a healthy glee. You see, I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness and
thus never celebrated Christmas (or any holiday for that matter). The
Witnesses believed that Christ's birth was in April, and had the
requisite flurry of points and mindless recitation to back up their
assertion. Growing up without a Christmas has ruined me in my
girlfriend's eyes, but has improved me in mine: why the hell delegate
one day to "warmth and caring" when all days should have such goals?

Star (the "i'm right and you're wrong" ethic percentage of "The View")
says we need to put the Christ back into Christmas! What a wonderful
idea! Kwaanzaa (sp?) and Hannuka (uh... sp?) are not federal holidays,
so why the hell should Christmas be? Why the hell should millions of
people who AREN'T Christians fake a holiday in which they have no right
to participate?

I'm sure if millions of Christians suddenly starting yelling "Dradle!
Dradle! Clay! Oi!" and took a week off from work to celebrate seven
Christmas equivalents, there'd be quite an uproar from the Jewish
community. How can so many atheists participate in a holiday that
celebrates the birth of a Son they don't even recognize?

Oh, but "Christmas has taken on a life of it's own", shouts Barbara. Ok,
let's think of Christmas as a copyright then, shall we? "You can copy a
copy on a copier, but you can't Xerox a Xerox on a Xerox" yells the
first rule of writing fiction. Just because copiers became prevalent
because of Xerox's capabilities does not mean that "Holiday - without -
Christ" can use the "Holiday - with - Christ" namesake.

And "Political Correctness" CERTIFIES that Christmas should be a
religious holiday! Hell, that's where all these "Happy Holiday" signs
came from and why Santa has been banned from many a school (true story
around here: little Jewish girl; Santa hangings; "no! insult! sue!"; no
more Santa hangings.)

Scrooge had the right idea - why the hell should HE lose a day of YOUR
work for a holiday HE doesn't believe in? Respect isn't an issue in this
case... if it were, we could come up with some bullshit line that you
should respect your employer and come in because you've got tons of work
to do.

I say we make it a religious holiday. By keeping it a federal, you force
the recognition and observance of the birth of Christ by a large portion
of the population who don't give a damn. I don't know when Kwaanzaa or
Hanukkah is, and that's just fine: why should I care about another
religion's celebration?

Respect my religion by keeping yours out of sight.


------------------------------------------------------
.ili. ASSHOLIC: The Greatest Column Ever Told... .ili.
------------------------------------------------------ by Rown Garnbii
                                                    HolisticFP@aol.com
                                                    
(Part Four of Ten)

He he he... religion's funny, and now I have proof.

In late November, at a London Catholic church, a naked man stormed into
the house of God, brandishing a gold and silver sword, and began slicing
up the parishioners. My heart and deepest sympathies go out to the
victims and those who had to witness this inane bloodshed, but carnage
aside, this is pretty damn funny.

I don't know what it is about society that would cause poor, naked Eden
Strang to do this. I don't know if society can be blamed. Perhaps it's
due to a lack of moral guidance in this world, maybe we have too much
and it chokes some people to the breaking point causing them to run,
blade up, trou down into Sunday mass. As many of the regular readers
have no doubt figured out, I'm not that smart and I have no answers.

The only thing I do know is that England is going to have to stop
looking down at their noses at America because of all our fucked up
crimes. This should also shut up the gun control people. See, no guns so
they pick up swords. It's a dismal, dismal world.

Bad things seem to happen a lot on Sundays. EgyptAir crashes, every
episode of Pacific Blue... Sometimes I think it's because it's the one
day God has off and he just wants to kick back, relax, and have a bit of
fun. Days off are important. Most people have Sundays off. I never did,
but most people do... bastards.

"Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy." (God, Exodus 20:8) That is
our commandment for the month. This is a weird one because Christians,
with their whole "church on Sunday" thing seem to make the Sabbath a
Sunday. But the Jews say it's a Friday. This singular point gives me no
hope for the future. If the factions can't even decide on the same day
off, how can they ever agree on whose god is whose?

In either case I'm a dead man because I don't go to church, nor do I
pray so I lose out. And by the score at the bottom of the article it
looks like I'm on the bullet train to Hell so I'm taking everyone I can
with me.

Case in point: Israeli soldiers, quite possibly the most notoriously
religious peoples on Earth, are fighting all the time. They have one of
the most ferocious armies in the world. Do they just set their guns down
on the Sabbath and take a break? Doubtful. Otherwise they would have
been wiped off the face of the Earth a long time ago.

Still, many people do go to church and you have to give them credit.
They are celebrating something. Though many look so bored and dead in
there anyway, trying to endure their dose of religion for one more week
that they couldn't recognize a blessing if God was sitting on their
face.

Oh yeah, it's going to be crowded in Hell and with me there it's going
to be insufferable to.

I mean, more than normal.

Hell - 3 / Salvation - 1


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