An Otaku's Guide to Dating Outside the Species
By Jake Forbes

Ah, February - that special time of the year when all the Ranmas out there
look for their Akanes, the Relenas look for their Heeros, the Heeros look
for their Duos, the Tomoyos look for their Sakuras, the Sakuras look for
their Yukitos, the Lis look for their Yukitos, the Toyas look for their
Yukitos, well. you get the picture. It.s time for Valentines Day! For
those of you otaku lucky enough to find a mate who shares your love for
all things Japanese, congratulations! For everyone else, here are a few
tips on how to keep your love life and your love for anime separate.

1) If you know all 251 Pokemon, make up some story about how you used to
   baby-sit your little brother/sister/cousin/nephew and they obsessed
   about it and you just played along. Better yet, best to let the
   potential mate think that you.re still under the illusion that there 
   are only 151 Pokemon.

2) Tell him/her that it.s role-playing, not Cosplay. You.re dressing up as
   a mighty samurai warrior, come to make sweet love to the Daimyo.s
   daughter- you.re NOT legendary swordsman Manji who.s made immortal
   because of the worms in your blood. Girls- your dream guy probably
   won.t have a problem with the Sailor fuku, but it's best to leave the 
   Moon Scepter in the closet.

3) When you take your date to see the Lion King on Broadway, don.t rant
   about how it.s completely ripping off Tezuka.s Kimba for at least a few
   hours.

4) The only reason you have a room full of toys is because you.ve got a
   friend who works at Toys R Us. Yeah. 'cuz they have EVAs and Monev the
   Gales and Kubricks and Michael Lau figures at Toys R Us.

5) Don.t tell your would-be partner about your DDR obsession until one
   day, you .just happen. to walk by an arcade featuring 5th Mix, and 
   after talking about how dumb it looks and how you.re so embarrassed,
   you get on the stage and bust out your mad skillz on .Rhythm & Police.
   Maniac mode double pad.

6) If you have a .hugging pillow. shaped like a life-sized Belldandy, let
   it stay at a friend.s house when your date comes to visit.

7) Japanese snacks make GREAT presents! EVERYONE loves Pocky, and I can
   assure you that girls LOVE to collect Hello Kitty charm pendants that
   come with the novelty candy boxes. Mochi ice cream is a definite
   clincher for a good night out if your date.s never had it before.

8) Tell your date that the reason you build Gundam/Macross model kits is
   because you want to be an engineer. This works better if you can adlib
   with some fancy math terms. (I.m a liberal arts guy- don.t come to me
   for advice on how to make this work!)

9) Best not to try and play your j-pop around him/her. At least we all
   went through the 80.s, but importing another country.s saccharine pop
   songs?

10) Guys- if your potential girlfriend sees that you have a video in your
    library called .The Dirty Pair,. just tell her it.s porn. It.s easier
    that way. Don.t try to explain it. Believe me. I know.

The lesson to be learned is, be proud of the otaku you are -- just keep
that side of you very, very hidden. Trust me, it.s better this way. So
when the relationship goes sour, as it inevitably will (Unless you.re like
Usagi and Mamoru = True Love Always!), it will be much more dramatic as
your web of white lies collapses on you like a house of cards.


