--(begin header)---------------------------------------------------------------
                     y0lk number #nine:  lunchables rock.
--(end header)-----------------------------------------------------------------

--(skip the intro!  on with the witty sound bites of meaningless crap!)--------

        well, ok.  i think i'll do that.  actually, i picked up my laptop only
because i was eating the snack out of my nightly lunchables (r) meal, and i
became immediately disgusted with it.  read on.

--(on with it!)----------------------------------------------------------------

why america is so confused:

        m&m candies.  we see m&m's as bite-sized candies that look absolutely
enormous on television.  our expectations for these candies are to get one or
two giant candy orbs that talk and argue with each other, in a humorous,
seinfeld-ish fashion.  despite my rising anger after this tv campaign, they
bedazzled the usa once again.  we just weren't prepared for blue m&m's!!!  i
saw maybe ONE commercial for this huge international event!  and mars,
incorporated did not specially package these blue m&m's!!! they just began
to insert them into normal everyday packages!  at first, of course, many would
have seen this as a fluke, and thrown all the blue ones away.  now what do they
have?  only 80 percent of their intended product!  mars is individually
responsible for the lurking downfall of society.  you wanna know what i saw on
an m&m package today?  i'm looking at it right now.  it says "M&M's (r) Candies
May Contain Peanuts."  Oh, really?  they MAY contain peanuts?  so if i'm
allergic to peanuts, and i always just buy the normal chocolate m&m candies,
i'm actually risking SICKNESS or DEATH?  sick.  that's just sick.  i can't
talk about this anymore.  mars (r) just disgusts me.

--(you are a truly wise man)---------------------------------------------------

        i am.  <munch munch>... by the way, what does (r) signify?  i've been
mentioning it today, just because it's what i see on the packaging... is that
what they use with food?  i dunno... well, just thinking about the title to all
this... lunchables do rock.  where else can you get strawberry jell-o,
miniature sandwiches, and CAPRISUN, all at once?  really.  this is just great.
i totally love caprisun, too.  i used to have this stuff every day in nursery
school.  those were the days.  ahhhhhhh....

        about the (r) thing... do americans really understand their own
copyright laws?  do you, sitting at the computer right now, know the difference
between (r), (tm), and (c)???  i sure as hell don't.  you're probably a lot
smarter than me.  you probably went to nursery school LONG before caprisun...
shrug.

        are you getting hungry right now?  i don't mean to be talking about
food so much, sorry...

--(that's ok, man.  i'm not hungry)--------------------------------------------

        all right.  ya know, i'm getting a little worried about y0lk.  i mean,
we actually have 2 members... issues are getting pumped out like water... we
actually have a SITE and an INFO file...  what does this mean?  i think maybe
y0lk is getting too much like an art group.  well, i guess that's the price
when everyone wants to be like you.

--(i don't want to be like you)------------------------------------------------

        yeah, sure.  well, i can say now that i have a real associate in y0lk,
i think.  i'm gonna keep the editor's spot, just cuz i started the zine and i
own the name, and i don't want anyone else running my group, etc.  but if hooch
keeps writing at the speed he is now, i guess we'll be like partners in krime
here.  heh.  there's an old, old rap group called "partners in krime."  they
wrote the original tmnt movie theme song.  turtle powah!

        blah... i just don't know what to write.  i thought i could go for at
least 100 with that m&m thing, but i'm stuck here at 69 (woo!)  trying to kill
some space.

        you see, in order to interrupt the flow of thought, and make sure i
don't stay on topic thru the whole zine, i make my y0lks a minimum of 100
lines.  this way, the reader gets the one or two (or no) main parts of the
issue, and still has to put up with my usual garbage.

--(bastard)--------------------------------------------------------------------

        that i am.  well, let's see, what to write about...  well, today i
decided to drop science... now i have one less course to put up with all year.
i'm taking drawing instead, my teacher was pretty happy about that.  the art
department loves me... i can't figure out why.

        <yawn>

        ok, global improvement time.

--(yes(#*!(*%!%)---------------------------------------------------------------

        i love global improvement.  it's something that i invented, it's my
style, it rules.  meaningless, superfluous, outrageous editorials about so many
trivial things in life.  y0lk.

        ok, here's my plan.  all bands should have chicks for bass players.
think about it... that chick in white zombie, kim gordon of sonic youth, d'arcy
of smashing pumpkins... they're the perfect bassists... god knows why or how,
but chicks rule at bass.  plus it's pretty wicked to see a chick shreading on
a huge guitar like that.  so, here's the action i'll take.  as my plans go,
i'll be receiving your clothes in a week or two.

        if you are a chick, go out and get a bass guitar, and mail me.  if you
are currently head of a band, purchase a gun and kill your bassist (if he is
male) ...mail me, and i will connect bass-playing chicks with cool bands.  i
will enclose in the reply package some thick wool shirts, short multicolored
ripped jean shorts, fishnet and/or more thick wool stockings, and a creed (r)
seal of approval.  connect.  make the world cooler.

--(ALL HAIL YOU!!!)------------------------------------------------------------
        thanks, i'm done now.
--(awwwwwwwwwww)---------------------------------------------------------------


<---------<editor's comment>-------------------------------------------->
maybe now hooch should comment on mine, and i should comment on his.
<---------<index!!>----------------------------------------------------->

index of y0lk issues:

,s&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&s.
$ issue $.                       title                                     `$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$'  1  `$ the other white meat                                             `$
$   2   $ several k-rad elite haxors sitting around a campfire and grooving $
$   3   $ nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars.                     $
$   4   $ a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin                $
$   5   $ household uses for afghanistanian food                            $
$   6   $ pour cement down my anus                                          $
$   7   $ hail santa!                                                       $
$   8   $ hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties?                    $
$.  9  ,$ lunchables rock.                                                 ,$
`$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$'

issues 1-5, 7, and 9 by creed (stain)
issues 6 and 8 by hooch

note: if you have written an issue, you are a y0lk member, have a y0lk member
      board, etc.  woo.
