-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Addendum
URL: http://www.adden.tr.cx/
issue# 81 : Home surgery
16th July 2002
Author: Steak
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A practical approach to home surgery on a infected ingrown toe nail

DiSCLAMER:
OK, this file is fun ok, it's what I did to myself one night when I 
couldn’t stand the pain any more, I am in no way saying that you should 
do this, I am not a medical doctor, I have no qualifications and I don't 
know whether what I did was safe or not. You should BY NO MEANS follow 
the advice I give here, its just my way of telling you what I did. if 
you do go and be a stupid idiot and follow these instructions and get 
an infection and you have to have your tow amputated or your foot cut 
off then don't come crying to me ok, it's not my fault you followed a 
stupid text file that some guy (me) wrote at 5am on a cold winters 
night and was to tired to know what the word sense meant.

in short, DO NOT UNDER ANY CiRCUMSTANCES ATTEMPT ANYTHiNG YOU READ 
HERE AT HOME, OR ANYWHERE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER. its just fun 

Now that’s out of the way, on with the file!!

---

When you get a ingrown toenail there is usually a good amount of 
pusy shit that collects itself underneath the skin just where the 
toenail makes entry into the flesh, it is the most painful here and 
this is this part of the infection that I decided one night to remove. 
i am stupid, this is a given fact.

Materials needed:
Lint bandage padding : Comes in those paper sterile bags
Plaster tape : Comes in those cylindrical plastic or metal containers
Antiseptic : Cream, spray or ointment
Paper towels : For the occasional spout of blood
Saliva : Your own, I'll come to this later
Rolled up news paper : To bite down on
A complete disregard for bodily safety: This is a must

Tools:
Any tools are fair game in a home surgery, tweezers, pliers, bolt 
croppers, hacksaws, scissors, knifes, teeth fingers, the corner of 
a piece of paper or sharp sticks.  I would highly recommend that 
you sterilize EVERYTHING, just to be sure.

Step 1
You will need to prepare the infected area for amputation, I recommend 
that you wash area clean with hot water and anti bacterial soap then 
dry thoroughly. Clean hands and sterilize any instruments you will 
be using. I also recommend those plastic latex gloves, first because 
it will cut down the risk of infection when opening up the wound, and 
secondly because they feel really good on the skin, this does not 
make me a pervert =]

Step 2
Lay foot out in front of you and have the paper towels ready, build 
up courage here as you are about to feel hurt and pain for a few 
days, some nice soothing music might be a good idea at this point.

Step 3
Dig in. Try any way possible to pull, cut, barge or force that skin 
and flesh off your body. This is going to hurt, big time. Bite down 
hard on your news paper, and get ready to catch any drips of blood 
that escape with the paper towels as blood stains can be kind of 
hard to remove, and if you by any chance get caught up in any 
murder investigations, then it an be quite a hassle when they find 
blood stains around you room (inside joke) Be careful to discard 
any surplus flesh in the proper waste repository, don't feed it 
to your cat, it won’t be thankful.

How to cope with the pain.
1. Chant or sing, keep your mind totally focused on the chant while 
pulling those persistent bits off, this can ease the pain slightly.

2. imagine, try to imagine you are in a nice soothing place, 
concentrate one hundred percent on a nice soothing image and 
try to take the feeling of pain away. This is a little like guided meditation

3. Do not think of the following words Flesh, Pain, Blood, Fire, 
Serum, Needle, Scalpel, or anything else to do with general pain 
and hurt.

3. Anesthetic, apply your own saliva to the wound, saliva is a mild 
but slightly effective natural anesthetic and will take a little of 
the pain away. I have heard that being drunk is a good anesthetic, 
it is what they used to give you before proper anesthetics were 
available, however I would not recommend it seeing as you are the 
one doing the surgery and if you are so drunk you cannot feel pain 
then you are probably too drunk to o surgery on yourself.

Step 4
After the area has been amputated, wash clean again with the 
antibacterial soap (this will hurt, again) and apply the antiseptic, 
in lavish quantities then bandage with the lint and try and keep the 
foot off the ground for about a week. With any luck in a few days 
the pain will subside and you will start to feel better.

Tune in next week when we provide a home medical guide to performing 
Brian surgery on yourself and your loved ones.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Addendum
(C) Steak July 2002
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
