 t ddd  i sss  ccc  oo  v v eeee rrrr y y c                 by sphrog
 h d  d   s   c    o  o v v e    r  r y y h
 e d  d i   s c    o  o v v eee  rrrr  y  a
   d  d i   s c    o  o v v e    r r   y  n
   ddd  i sss  ccc  oo   v  eeee r  r  y  nel
-=[the discovery channel]=---------------------------------------------------

i believe this channel can be summed up in one word: "QUALITY".  on no other
channel can you learn about the mating habits of a sting ray, AND how a cell
phone works.  Man...  lemme tell ya...  the Discovery Channel's the SHIT. and
The Learning Channel (but they're really the same thing, or soemthing.)

(the following quote is copyright the discovery channel...)

"Dinosaur MAN...  gosh, I'm not sorry I don't look like THAT...  I am sorry
they're gone, though...  there is still much we have to learn about these
beasts, yet they stay locked in our imagination."

(the copyrighted part is over...  BACK TO THE Y0LK!@!@#)

gotta love the little segway things they come up with...  when the next one
comes on, i'll be sure to capture the 100% PURE QUALITY PROGRAMMING
that's being pumped out of my television and into my head 24 hours a day.

-=[but while i'm waiting...]=------------------------------------------------

-=[Lima Beans]=--------------------------------------------------------------
                                                         | sphrog is rad...
anyone who likes lima beans raise your hand!@#!@#        | two dividers in
                                                         | a row?  can he DO
didn't think so.                                         | THAT!?@?!#
                                                         |
lima beans taste bad.                                    |
                                                         |        nod.
-=[Learning Latin]=----------------------------------------------------------

 i'm in latin right now, because i sucked at french (either that, or i didn't
really try, i'm not sure.) anyway, the curriculum consists of teaching us as
many ways as possible to talk about people beating other people with sticks.

- no joke. -

"Davus Sextus verberat cum baculo"
Davus beats Sextus with a stick.

"Domini celestus volo servi verberant cum virga"
The wicked slave driver wants to beat the slaves with a stick.

"Cornelius volo verberabat servus cum baculo"
Cornelius wants to keep beating the slave with a stick.

- and that's not the half of it. -

there are these little mini-story things in each chapter... and for the last
four chapters, we've followed the trail of a runaway slave.  When they found
the motherfucker, the grabbed him by the toga, beat the shit out of him, and
tatooed the letters "FUG" into his forehead.  go figure.

-=[jaZz]=--------------------------------------------------------------------
here's my jazz song...       a little somethin' to "get down with", kat...

skiddley bop, boo dee bop, i said-a rop bod boodley bop...
glack goon dacka de dacka de boom tiss, rop boom daka doom...
boom room ga-doom chick dobbadee bee dop.

one day i'll make it into real music, but for now i just sing it to my cat.
                                  
-=[band-aids]=---------------------------------------------------------------

you gotta get the fabric ones, because the other ones just fall off in your
socks.  if you wear them on your toes.

-=[how to make your own candles]=--------------------------------------------

note: this is a bootleg recipe, i saw it on the Discovery Channel. (note the
      recurring theme...  i think this is one of those things we learn about
      in english, but i ferget the name...)

WHAT YOU NEED:
        other candles (A LOT)
        a pot you don't need
        a stove
        a string

HOW YOU DO IT:
!) melt the candles in the pot you don't need
@) put the string in, and pull it out.  a lot....
#) keep doing it, dumbass, you'll get a candle eventually.

lemme know if this works.  god only knows WHY you would want to make your own
candles if you have perfectly good ones you're melting, but hey, if you're
like "Lynette Jennings - Star of Homeworks" it's "just a really fun project
you can save for a rainy day".  I know what *I'M* gonna be doin' next time it
rains.

-=[SMaLL RoDeNTS, and how to keep yourself entertained]=---------------------

note: this is NOT a bootleg thing that I got off the Discovery Channel, but I
think it would be pretty phat if they had something like this...  it would do
ever so much to reaffirm my faith in their quality broadcasting.

1) HAMSTERPOWER

WHAT YOU NEED:
        Six Hamsters
        Six Hamster Wheels
        Six Hamster-O's (available at your local pet store)
        Six things that'll make Hamster Wheel power into Electricity
                (don't know what this is yet...   that's part of the fun!@#)
        A Light Bulb

HOW TO DO IT:
1) Hook up all the elctricity things to the light bulb.
2) Feed each hamster a Hamster-O
3) Let 'em loose.
4) Time how long they can keep the light bulb lit before they pass out.
        NOTE:  You will need to remove incapacitated hamster from the wheel
        shortly after it passes out.
5) Divide this number by six.
6) Your answer is measured in HAMSTERPOWER.

        i think this measurement would be real useful for small stuff that
        is measured in HORSEPOWER now, but is less than one horsepower.
        i can't think of anything now, but i'm sure they'll come up with
        something eventually, and i'll make a million biddiles...

2) Cryogenic Freezing.

WHAT YOU'LL NEED:
        Any small rodent, preferably with a terminal illness.
        Silly Putty
        A Tupperware Container
        A Freezer
        Water
        
HOW TO DO IT:
1) Put the water in the freezer for a while, until it's not frozen, but it's
REALLY cold.

2) Take the rodent, and put it in the really cold water.  It should stop
moving as soon as it hits the water.  If it doesn't, discard it, let the water
cool more, and try again.
        note: unless you have a very understanding family, hide this container
        under a slab of frozen meat or something.

3) Wait until scientists find a cure for the terminal illness.  This should be
no longer than six weeks, because rodents don't have to get their drugs
approved by all this FDA bullshit.  Use the silly putty to keep yourself
occupied in the interum.  Silly putty is a very fun toy.

4) Unfreeze the rodent, and cure it.  I don't know if this works, but hell,
i'd pay to watch someone try.

-=[okay, enough with the rodents]=-------------------------------------------

"that last thing was the worst thing I've ever read."

        oh...  THAT'S why it's not on the Discovery Channel...

-=[Professional Bowling]=----------------------------------------------------

Best Part: the little "POP" that the ball makes when some guys thumb is ripped
        out of the ball. I think ESPN makes this REALLY loud on purpose,
        because they know if it wasn't for that, no one would watch.

Worst Part: thinking about the degree of looserosity that the people who bowl
        professionally must posess.  it boggles the mind.

-=[UNICEF]=------------------------------------------------------------------

United someting something Childrens something Fund.

phear it.                                             ...this y0lk stuff gets
                                                         to you after a while
-=[more on band-aids]=-------------------------------------------------------

if you put band aids on all your toes, it feels like they fell off.

-=[leafmold]=----------------------------------------------------------------

sometimes, when a leaf gets warm and wet and in a dark place, it grows mold.

now i will write a poem about leaf mold.  you will love it.

                            l
                           eafs
                    o      ftree     s
                     fa   lltoth    eg
                      rou ndandge twe 
                  tbec auseitrained   la
                      stnightandnow the
                        yreinthedark
                          andguess
                           whatgr
                             ew
                              l
                              e
                               a
                                f
                                 mo
                                   ld
                                               hey...  it looks like a leaf...
                                               what a coincidence...

-=[allergies]=---------------------------------------------------------------

i'm allergic to leaf mold.

-=[names]=-------------------------------------------------------------------

i wish my name were bitchcakes.  then people could call me bitch or cakes for
short.  if they called me cakes, people might think i was a cake baker or
something, but if they called me bitch, people would think i was a pimp.

-=[MORE on band-aids]=-------------------------------------------------------

if you put them on too tight, your toes really WILL fall off.

-=[jargon]=------------------------------------------------------------------
                            (this is the part where I make up my own words)

palkay (PAL-k)-means the same thing as toothbrush (that word was just BEGGING
               for a synonym)

       USAGE: "Momz...  have you seen my fuckin' palkay, I need to brush my
               teeth."

gorzel (GOR-zel)-terminal skin condition where it falls off in sections.

       USAGE: "Ma'am, your son's got gorzel."

usium (BOOR-klum)-dutch walking stick (aren't you glad i included the
                  pronunciation with THAT one?)

       USAGE: "Svergie borgie hurgie slocklus usium block darge."

-=[ending]=------------------------------------------------------------------

One more quote from the discovery channel:

"a camera in a clock... whoo boy, they think of something new every day. kinda
reminds me of the good 'ol days when they used to hide cameras in girls locker
rooms... but we won't go into that right now..."

need i say more?



-=[notez]=-------------------------------------------------------------------

well, i love that spacephrog kid.  he's so funny.  he's my hero.

-=[index!#]=-----------------------------------------------------------------

.d&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&b.
$ ## $                            title                           $ author  $
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$ 01 $ the other white meat                                       $ creed   $
$ 02 $ several k-leet hax0rs sittin around a campfire and groovin $ creed   $
$ 03 $ nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars.              $ creed   $
$ 04 $ a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin         $ creed   $
$ 05 $ household uses for afghanistanian food                     $ creed   $
$ 06 $ pour cement down my anus                                   $ hooch   $
$ 07 $ hail santa!                                                $ creed   $
$ 08 $ hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties?             $ hooch   $
$ 09 $ lunchables rock.                                           $ creed   $
$ 10 $ t-shirts and toejam                                        $ bedlam  $
$ 11 $ nap-time - the dog prank - exclusive interview             $ hooch   $
$ 12 $ movie reviews [showgirls!@] - win95 vs. os/2 [sorta]       $ hooch   $
$ 13 $ straight outta' compton - dialchix - muh dawg!@            $ hooch   $
$ 14 $ i'm a tall, goofy, dorky, chink                            $ phorce  $
$ 15 $ bedazzled by the eliteness                                 $ creed   $
$ 16 $ how to blow your nuts out with cornstarch and orangina     $ creed   $
$ 17 $ i am a warez pup - who are you?                            $ hooch   $
$ 18 $ lemmings                                                   $ phorce  $
$ 19 $ the science of astrology                                   $ belial  $
$ 20 $ the notorious anticlimactic bastards of the zine scene     $ cd/h0   $
$ 21 $ dUcK 54uc3?!#$!?                                           $ phorce  $
$ 22 $ top 5000 reasons why i should kill myself                  $ creed   $
$ 23 $ citrus fruits for sale                                     $ phorce  $
$ 24 $ group masturbation                                         $ belial  $
$ 25 $ ethereal experiences for perverted pyromaniacs             $ creed   $
$ 26 $ catering for the warez eleet                               $ phorce  $
$ 27 $ brief mental pause                                         $ belial  $
$ 28 $ the army day camp                                          $ belial  $
$ 29 $ the geek theory, hickies, and another long day             $ creed   $
$ 30 $ nets, zines, and that chick from wings                     $ hooch   $
$ 31 $ mentos! the freedom giver!                                 $ mercuri $
$ 32 $ ramblings of a poseur                                      $ bedlam  $
$ 33 $ sitcoms, stereotypes, and satan                            $ creed   $
$ 34 $ fuck you - a note to all y'all on #zines                   $ hooch   $
$ 35 $ apples, oranges, and pears                                 $ phorce  $
$ 36 $ the little cultist that couldn't                           $ creed   $
$ 37 $ careening through hyperspace at a slug-like rate           $ creed   $
$ 38 $ snowday                                                    $ phorce  $
$ 39 $ creed is g0d                                               $ creed   $
$ 40 $ big hurt is ruler of the earth                             $ bighurt $
$ 41 $ dead people, nasty thoughts, and colored glue              $ bighurt $
$ 42 $ bbs softwares/internet                                     $ hooch   $
$ 43 $ abandon thy gods!  from yonder cometh y0lk!                $ creed   $
$ 44 $ mogel's own very special personalized $1 y0lk issue        $ phorce  $
$ 45 $ your burro is no jackass!                                  $ creed   $
$ 46 $ rollerskates, indians, eagles and cougars                  $ creed   $
$ 47 $ outer space, ice cream, streetcars and gophers             $ creed   $
$ 48 $ Evan the genius becomes enlightened and melts his face off $ creed   $
$ 49 $ 6 insignificant ziners in a bowling microcosm of life      $ creed   $
$ 50 $ the best of the worst                                      $ creed   $
$ 51 $ the prince of darkness versus some guy named dave          $ trip    $
$ 52 $ ode to my feet                                             $ creed   $
$ 53 $ hopelessly lost                                            $ poots   $
$ 54 $ the schoolhouse r0x!#                                      $ phorce  $
$ 55 $ campbell's chicken-noodle soup omen of death               $ creed   $
$ 56 $ dead cats                                                  $ juke    $
$ 57 $ my inner taco                                              $ handle  $
$ 58 $ my place, or yours?                                        $ mercuri $
$ 59 $ how to really use that spiffy monopoly money               $ lumpy   $
$ 60 $ struggle wif the giant pink elephant                       $ lucifer $
$ 61 $ why did the chicken cross the road?                        $ insane  $
$ 62 $ y0lk test pattern                                          $ mutter  $
$ 63 $ ELiTE LiT from the master himself                          $ creed   $
$ 64 $ creed's k-rad lit archives, volume two                     $ creed   $
$ 65 $ UNSOPHISTICATED FASCIST BASTARDS. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME. $ creed   $
$ 66 $ how y0lk saved my life (sorta)                             $ creed   $
$ 67 $ shiny nickles, no more TP, and shitty knuckles             $ ideal   $
$ 68 $ some puppet plays                                          $ phorce  $
$ 69 $ "... Hello operator ..."                                   $ mutter  $
$ 70 $ i bit my nail, now my finger is bleeding.                  $ traq    $
$ 71 $ battle of the ants                                         $ rage    $
$ 72 $ fun on the phone                                           $ ideal   $
$ 73 $ yabba-dabba do, scooby-dooby do, and many other mysteries..$ handle  $ 
$ 74 $ i love you as my own mother                                $ sphrog  $
$ 75 $ jamesy and the giant slinky                                $ jamesy  $
$ 76 $ do not fuck with the big and hairy bears                   $ murmur  $
$ 77 $ horror story                                               $ oeb     $
$ 78 $ dat wh0re                                                  $ s.sheep $
$ 79 $ the ewok rant                                              $ taraxis $
$ 80 $ the arcade avenger                                         $ tao     $
$ 81 $ the night before 2600                                      $ d.cheez $
$ 82 $ journey into the mind of a no-brained counterculturist     $ taraxis $
$ 83 $ a generic y0lk file                                        $ mogel   $
$ 84 $ cultural inclination?                                      $ m.head  $
$ 85 $ australia through the eyes of a spoon                      $ spoony  $
$ 86 $ the life of a demented sysop                               $ spoony  $
$ 87 $ little johnny carpenter                                    $ franman $
$ 88 $ phan male                                                  $ ideal   $
$ 89 $ bighurt is back!#                                          $ bighurt $
$ 90 $ the discovery channel                                      $ sphrog  $
"T$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$T"

-=[infoez]=------------------------------------------------------------------

     if you see your name on that chart, you are a y0lk member, whether you
like it or not.  if you are a y0lk member, you have a y0lk member board, et
cetera.

phoenix 201 is the official eleet telecom section of y0lk.
hooch is the stupendous chief shephard of y0lk.
phorce is the head samurai of y0lk!@  beware!#
mindcrime is a crazed oriental looking for revenge.
[clarification: mindcrime may actually be a y0lk member.  no one knows.]
heil creed.  <HEIL!#  HEIL!#>

to get all the rest of the y0lks, ftp to ftp.openix.com /ftp/phorce/y0lk

or... call our world headquarters, erebus, at 201-762-1373.  k-rad.

*or*... look for "y0lkb0t" on irc, efnet.  type "@y0lk (number)" for y0lks.

_OR_... ATTENTION y0lkies!#  join the y0lk mailing list!#  chat about y0lk
and all them other zines, too!#  email listserv@magsystems.com with the line
"subscribe y0lk" in the body of the message.

OR! *new* alt.zines.y0lk! subscribe today! yes, folks, YOU can READ the
NEWSGROUP alt.zines.y0lk! isn't that special? join y0lknet too.  thank phorce.
if you have ANY normal internet provider, you can read alt.zines.y0lk!@

don't you feel like you're getting a little too much information here?
couldn't we just show our ftp site and shut up?  it's just sad that we
have to advertise all our cheap media at the bottom of every textfile
like this.  what a bunch of losers we are.
