    Stuck In Traffic #2
    by Calvin Stacy Powers

    ==================
    Big Change In Cary
                                                                 
    A church on Walnut Street has been torn down and a Krispy Kreme
    Donut shop is going up in its place.  It would be easy, typical,
    to paint this as sign of the moral vapidness in Cary.  But I don't
    want to do that.  There's nothing wrong with Donut shops.  And
    there are still lots of churches.  Maybe the congregation moved to
    a better location.  Maybe they merged with another church.  I bet
    they didn't stop going to church and start eating donuts instead.
                      
    ========================
    Conspiracy Theory #4,562
                                                                 
    That game show of game shows, The Price Is Right, doesn't make
    sense to me.  When the contestants are bidding on a prize in order
    to get to come on stage to play the big games, the winner is the
    person who has the closest guess to the prize's retail price
    WITHOUT GOING OVER.  I have never understood this.  Why does the
    person lose if he or she guesses to high?  If an Item costs $1000,
    person A guesses $800 and person B guesses $1001, then person A
    wins.  I ask you, does that seem fair?

    I suspect that The Price is Right is actually a secret plot to
    encourage fiscal irresponsibility among housewives in the United
    States in an attempt bring down the U.S.  Economy.  Everyday
    hundreds of thousands of men and women see this show and receive
    the subliminal message that it's good to underestimate the price
    of things they want to buy.  Can increased personal debt be far
    behind?  How many broken family budgets can be attributed to The
    Price Is Right?  When Joe and Jane Sixpack appear before the
    bankruptcy judge what will they be able to say?  "Sorry judge, we
    just wanted to win our part of the American Dream, so we made sure
    our budget was under our actual expenses."

    The Price Is Right is merely the tip of the iceberg.  Who knows
    what other seemingly benign aspects of American culture are
    encouraging financial ruin among the populace?
                      
    ==========
    Eco-Alert!
                                                                 
    And I thought Greenpeace was vigilant about protecting the
    environment.  But sometime over the past few years, someone has
    stolen all the jungles throughout the world and replaced them with
    rain forests.  Who allowed this to happen?  Were all the
    appropriate environmental impact statements filed?  Certainly no
    one asked my opinion about it.  I think I much prefer jungles over
    rain forests.
                                                            
    I like jungles better because they are filled with wild animals
    and exotic plants.  In jungles there's a frenetic level of
    activity.  Animals are constantly on the prowl, eating and being
    eaten.  Some of the plants are dangerous, some are edible.  Some
    plants contain mysterious substances that can be used.  A very
    exciting place.  Rain forests are peaceful, idyllic, garden like
    places where it does little more than rain.  Rain forests are
    filled with warm, furry, mamby-pamby poster children of the
    ecological movement.

    I don't want garden-of-eden-like rain forests, I want jungles,
    where the wild things are.
              
    ===========
    Knicker Aid
                                                                 
    According to a Reuters news story, British women are organizing a
    campaign known as "Knicker Aid" to send their pre-diet
    undergarments, particularly bras, to women in Russia, where a bra
    can cost as much as a month's wages.
                                                             
    Now one level this seems pretty funny.  It plays off all the other
    -Aid suffixed charity campaigns we've seen over the past few
    years.  (I'm surprised we haven't seen an Aids Aid benefit
    campaign yet.)  Knicker Aid also plays off our stereotype of the
    Russian people and Russian women in particularly, i.e., relatively
    short and, ahem, heavy set due to their starchy diets.

    But on another level, it just goes to show how simple acts of
    charity know no bounds.  You can bet there were no multimillion
    dollar U.N.  studies about the dreadful condition of the Russian
    undergarment industry commissioned before Knicker Aid was
    launched.  You can bet that it did not require a gazillion dollar
    loan from the World Bank.  Instead, a bunch of individuals thought
    it up on their own and just did it.

    As far as I'm concerned, it totally validates the "thousand points
    of light" concept of making the world a better place, which has
    taken such a beating over the past few years.
               
    ============================
    Politically Correct Football
                                                                 
    There was quite a controversy here in North Carolina about the
    naming of Charlotte's new NFL team.  The new owners were under
    considerable pressure to come up with a name that didn't offend
    anyone.  Not an easy task these days.  So they came up with The
    Carolina Panthers.  Not bad.  There's good imagery in the Panther.
    And the Carolina Panther logo is designed so that the outline of
    the Panther's head vaguely looks like the border between North and
    South Carolina.  The only problem is that, as far as I know, the
    panther is not usually associated with this area. Oh well.

    My father came up with the best suggestion for the Carolina's team
    name that I've heard yet:  The Carolina Croatans.  As you may
    remember from your childhood history books, the first European
    settlement in America was "The Lost Colony" in North Carolina and
    they mysteriously disappeared leaving only the word Croatan carved
    into a tree, presumably indicating the native Americans in the
    area.
                                                             
    In any event, it got me to thinking about just what sorts of names
    for football teams would pass Political Correctness tests.  Here's
    what I and some friends came up with:
                                                            
    The Arizona Cardinals :  The Arizona Spotted Owls
    The Seattle Seahawks :  The Seattle Sperm Whales
    The New York Giants :  The New York New Agers
    The New York Jets:  The New York Ozone Layer
    The Washington Redskins:  The Washington Public Servants
    The Cleveland Browns:  The Cleveland Rainbow Coalition
    The Kansas City Chiefs:  The Kansas City 12-Step Support Group
    The Buffalo Bills:  The Buffalo Brotherhood of International
                        Football Players
    The New England Patriots:  The New England Social Workers
    The Los Angeles Raiders:  The Los Angeles Recyclers
    The Cincinnati Bengals:  The Cincinnati Sensitives
    The Chicago Bears:  The Chicago Reformed Chauvinists
    The Indianapolis Colts:  The Indianapolis Indigenous Peoples
    The Philadelphia Eagles:  The Philadelphia Non-Profit and
                              Philanthropic Coalition
    The Houston Oilers:  The Houston Bio-degradeables
    The Pittsburgh Steelers:- The Pittsburgh Natural Fibers
    The Los Angeles Rams:  The Los Angeles Leninists
    The San Francisco 49ers:  The San Francisco Friends of the Earth
    The Tampa Bay Buccaneers:  The Tampa Bay Socially Challenged
    The New Orleans Saints:  The New Orleans Primary Care Givers
    The Denver Broncos:  The Denver Disarmament Society
    The San Diego Chargers:  The San Diego Sandinistas
    The Miami Dolphins:  The Miami Maoists
    The Detroit Lions:  The Detroit D.A.R.E.  (Drug Abuse Resistance
                        Educators)
    The Dallas Cowboys:  The Dallas Vegetarians
    The Atlanta Falcons:  The Atlanta Anti-Vivsectionists
    The Green Bay Packers:  The Green Bay Sustainable Agriculturalists
    The Minnesota Vikings:  The Minnesota Victims of Testosterone
                            Poisoning
                        
    =============
    Reality Bites
                                                              
    Every now and then at work, Dana, who is my boss's boss, calls an
    "area meeting" where he tells us what's going on, makes personnel
    announcements, and stuff like that.  It's traditional at these
    meetings for him to provide munchies.  It's sort of a bribe to get
    everyone to show up.  (My theory is that the reason we have to
    have these meetings is so the managers will still feel like
    they're "in the loop".)

    So, a couple of weeks ago, Dana calls an area meeting and I
    dutifully marched to the conference room with my colleagues.  And
    as per tradition, Dana had brought munchies.  Cracker Jacks!  That
    caramel covered manna from heaven that rains down on blessed
    children everywhere.  Cracker Jacks!  I hadn't had any in years
    and years and I felt like a little kid again.
                                                            
    I was sitting in the back of the room so I was among the last in
    line as the boxes were being handed out and I was nervously eyeing
    the supply.  I was terrified that they might run out before they
    got to me!  I was dancing on the edge of my seat like a
    three-year-old.  But Dana is a good man.  There was enough for
    everybody.

    I don't think the design of Cracker Jack boxes has changed much
    over the decades.  At least it still looked the same to me.  Still
    the blue and white logo on the front under the name Cracker Jacks.
    Still the pictures of caramel coated popcorn and peanuts.  And
    most importantly it still had the same spot on the side panel of
    the box where you poke your thumb in to rip off the top of the
    box.  The same spot that still doesn't quite work.  Unlike most
    packaged products today that have crisp clean ways to open them
    up, you can't be halfhearted about opening a box of Cracker Jacks
    or the cardboard box will just sort of smush.  You have to shove
    your thumb into the side panel and rip the top off with gusto.
    And I did!  And ripping off the top of the Cracker Jack box was
    like ripping a hole in the time-space continuum.  It was like I
    was simultaneously sitting in that conference room and reliving my
    childhood.
                                                            
    I poured a handful into my hand and tossed a few kernels into my
    mouth.  YUK!  WHAT WAS THIS CRAP?  It had this heavy, heavy,
    almost burnt taste and it was way too sweet.  The popcorn was
    stale and the peanuts tasted like charcoal.  And the prize?  You
    would think that the prize would make it all worth while.  At
    least I could look forward to a miniature compass or a whistle or
    fake tattoo or something.  But NO.  All it had inside was a
    sticker of a Kansas City Royal pennant.  Big deal.

    I was so disappointed I couldn't focus on the meeting.  I just sat
    there, questioning my grip on reality.
                                                             
                 
     =========================
                                                                     
    "Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes."  --Thoreau


    ====================
    Learning From Rwanda
                                                                 
    (Note:  The following article originally appeared in
    Claustrophobia magazine.)

    President Clinton is sincere, I'm sure, about wanting to restore
    the "democratically elected government" of Haiti.  But his Haitian
    policy is fundamentally flawed because it puts the cart before the
    horse.  He needs only to look at Rwanda to see the error of his
    Haitian policy.

    It wasn't until the Rwandan President, Maj.  Gen.  Juvenal
    Habyarimana was killed in an unexplained plane crash in April that
    the Rwandan crisis broke through the media barrier and captured
    the attention of the world.  But the recent Rwandan civil war is
    just the latest chapter in a Rwanda's long, bloody history.

    Rwanda's entire history can be told in terms of ethnic conflicts
    between the Hutu majority and the Tutsi minority.  Until it was
    overthrown in 1961, the Tutsi aristocracy ruled the area, and
    'extracted agricultural tribute' from the peasant Hutu farmers in
    exchange for 'protection.'  The sharp inequality between the two
    ethnic groups was aggravated when Rwanda became an Belgian
    protectorate under the League of Nations in 1899.  But even under
    Belgian and U.N.  guidance the Tutsi continued to deny basic
    education opportunities to the Hutu and even imposed forced labor
    on many of them.  It wasn't until 1961, with the support of the
    Belgian colonists that the Hutu overthrew the Tutsi monarch and
    Rwanda was recognized as an independent nation.

    The Hutu, under Major General Juvenal Habyarimana, imposed a
    single party state in which the Hutu-led National Revolutionary
    Movement for Development (MRND) party was the only legal party.
    Under the MRND, all citizens were required to carry ID cards
    clearly identifying their ethnic origin.  Tutsi were denied access
    to government jobs, services, and education through elaborate
    quota systems and all citizens were denied gun ownership.  Hutu
    extremists systematically persecuted and killed the Tutsi minority
    with the tacit approval of the Hutu government.  Over half the
    Tutsi fled the country.

    In the recent Rwandan civil war, the Tutsi led Rwandan Patriotic
    Front (RPF) has taken control of the Rwandan government.
    Considering the history between the Hutu and the Tutsi, it's not
    surprising the nearly 2 million of Rwanda's 7.7 million citizens
    are fleeing the country in fear of Tutsi reprisals.
                                                            
    And so there is a lesson to be learned from Rwanda's history and
    recent civil war.  A government is a reflection of the principles
    to which its citizens already subscribe, not the creator of those
    principles.  And throughout the centuries that the Hutu and Tutsi
    have shared the same land, each has abused government power to
    persecute the other, regardless of the form of government.  Julius
    Paulus, a Roman jurist in the third century summed it up best:
    "What is right is not derived from the rule but the rule arises
    from our knowledge of what is right."

    A government instituted among men who are not committed to peace
    and who don't respect the basic worth of their fellow human beings
    merely becomes a tool of oppression.  Nowhere has this been more
    painfully evident than in Rwanda.  And if we're not careful, the
    same mistake is going to be made in Haiti.
                                                            
                                                                 
                                                                 
                                                                 
    ======================================
    They Don't Write 'Em Like That Anymore

    A couple of years ago, I used to get an electronic magazine called
    Desperado.  And it was truly one of the finest publications I've
    had the pleasure to receive.  It was something of a cross between
    an apa and a 'zine.  Sadly, it is no more.  I suspect that the guy
    who published it got laid off and no longer has access to the
    Internet.  Or maybe he just got tired of publishing it.
                                                             
    Anyway, Desperado was composed of odd stories and personal
    comments that had been sent from the readers.  The following song
    was published in one of the last issues.  To quote from Desperado,
    "This just gills me."  Enjoy.

           Love guppy                                            

    You mean all the world to me.
    Without you I can't be free.
    You make me pant considerably.
    You're my love guppy.

    You have the finest rosebud's taste.
    Without you my life is waste,
    I'll stick to you like Elmer's paste.
    You're my love guppy.

    I'd break through a citadel.
    I'd fight with a raging bull,
    Though winning would seem improbable.
    You're my love guppy.

    My love's as strong as the mid-ocean ridge.
    You shine like the rainbow bridge
    or like that light inside my fridge.
    You're my love guppy.
                                                             
    For you I'd consume haggis,
    or lose the joys of Bacchus,
    or live in sin with Mike Dukakis.
    You're my love guppy.

    No time's too long for me to wait.
    For you, I'd fight against Fate,
    though maybe you could lose some weight,
    You're my love guppy.
                                                             
    Without you, I'd be not whole,
    I would have to sell my soul,
    or gulp a quart of Tide-E-Bowl.
    You're my love guppy.
                                                             
    My passion is always mounting.
    I'm like a geyser founting.
    Well, maybe not, but who's counting?
    You're my love guppy.
                                                             
    The love that is the more intense
    always has the most silence,
    like quiet bursts of flatulence.
    You're my love guppy.
                                                             
    I know that my love is true.
    I know that you'll love me too,
    or I'll hold my breath 'till I turn blue
    You're my love guppy.
                                                             
    I'd not forget you if I tried.
    You make me all warm inside.
    My love's as pure as Naugahyde.
    You're my love guppy.
                                                             
    Then I hear the words let slip
    From betwixt impatient lips,
    "I want to have a relationship.
    You're my love guppy."

    ==================
    Truth or D.A.R.E.?
                                                              
    I recently read an AP news story sent to me from a friend of mine
    about the Drug Abuse Resistance Education (DARE) program.  This is
    the government program funded by the federal, state and local
    governments to try to fight the drug war in the classroom by
    educating young children about drugs.  The idea is to teach
    children early on about the dangers of drug abuse so that they
    will be better able to resist peer pressure to use drugs later on
    in life.  It sounds great.  DARE is a tremendously popular
    program.  Politicians love it.  The Police love it.  Parents love
    it.  Teachers love it.  Even kids seem to like it.

    Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to work.  The Research Triangle
    Institute, based here in North Carolina between Durham and
    Raleigh, recently completed an 18 month, $300,000 study of the
    DARE program, commissioned by the Institute of Justice, which is
    an arm of the Department of Justice.  According to the AP news
    story, the researchers concluded that "DARE imparts a considerable
    amount of knowledge, but has only a tiny impact -- if any -- on
    students' drug use."

    Of course, this is not what the government wanted to hear and it
    "invited" the researchers to "reevaluate" their conclusions.  But
    the researchers declined to change their conclusions.  You would
    think that if a program had proven to be so ineffective, it would
    be dropped like a hot potato.  But this is the government we're
    talking about.

    Can you imagine any public official, public school teacher, or
    police officer publicly stating that the DARE program should be
    disbanded?  It would be political suicide.  The peer pressure to
    support DARE is just too great.

    This reminded my of another story.  The October 1994 issue of The
    Atlantic Monthly has a scathing article about the failure of sex
    education programs in schools.  The conclusion is almost exactly
    the same as the conclusion of the DARE study.  Young kids today
    know more about sex than ever before but there has no indication
    that it works.  In fact most of the basic indicators, such as
    teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases are showing
    increases.  And just like the DARE program, no one has the courage
    to publicly call for the end of these programs despite the
    overwhelming evidence that it doesn't work.  How can anyone come
    out against sex education?
                                                            
    I think there are two lessons to be learned from these stories.
    First, it appears that objectivity and factual evidence take a
    back seat to emotionalism and peer pressure when it comes to
    public policy.  We can moan and wail about how awful that is, but
    it seems to be the reality.
                                                            
    But more importantly, these two stories demonstrate that knowledge
    and values are not interchangeable.  Teaching a child the
    difference between uppers and downers and all the street names for
    marijuana will not cause that child to place a higher value on his
    or her health than peer approval.  Teaching a young child how to
    use a condom (and in some cases, distributing free condoms) is not
    going to help that child make decisions about sexual morals.

    School teachers, policemen, and social workers can teach
    knowledge, but they can't teach values.  Values, if they can be
    taught at all, have to come from the family.

    ======================
    Advice From Honest Abe
                                                                 
    The list is the famous 10 Guidelines that Abe Lincoln used during
    his administration to help him and his administration in making
    policy and administrative decisions.

    1. You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
    2. You cannot help small men by tearing down big men.
    3. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
    4. You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer.
    5. You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
    6. You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than your
    income.
    7. You cannot further brotherhood of men by inciting class hatred.
    8. You cannot establish security on borrowed money.
    9. You cannot build character and courage by taking away man's
    initiative and independence.
    10.  You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they
    could and should do for themselves.
          
    ================
    I'm Not A Sheep!

    On October 1st, the Intermodal Surface Transportation Efficiency
    Act of 1991 took effect.  Under this federal law, any state that
    doesn't voluntarily enact mandatory seatbelt laws and motorcycle
    helemt laws will have their federal highway funds 'redirected'
    into other programs.  An entirely sensible law.  I can't imagine
    any politcian opposing it.
                                                            
    I would never argue against wearing a seatbelt.  If you decide to
    wear a seatbelt, I will applaud your common sense.  However, I
    typically do not wear one.
                                                            
    I choose not to wear a seatbelt as a small act of defiance against
    a world that has run amok with common sense.  I think it's time
    the legislators and other well-intentioned busy-bodies realized
    that everytime they force common sense down our throats with a law
    like this, they kill something in our psyche.  They kill the
    thrill of taking risks, they kill the spontanaiety of life, they
    kill individuality.  The do-gooders are transforming us from human
    beings into sheep.  Safe sheep, mind you.  But sheep nonetheless.
                                                            
    I know it sounds stupid for me to say that I refuse to wear my
    seatbelt in an attempt to preserve my individuality, but in some
    small way, it's true.
                                                            
    ==================================================================
     Stuck In Traffic is a bi-monthly e-zine edited by, and mostly
    written by Calvin Stacy Powers.  Copyrights of individual articles
    are held by their respective authors.  All unsigned work is
    authored by Calvin Stacy Powers, who holds all copyrights.
    Permission is granted to redistribute Stuck In Traffic provided
    that it is redistributed in its entirety (including this copyright
    notice), and that no fee is charged.  For commercial
    redistribution rights, or for permission to reprint/redistribute
    individual articles contact Calvin Stacy Powers at
    powers@rdu007.pdial.interpath.net.

    If you would like to receive Stuck In Traffic free by e-mail 
    subscription send e-mail to the address listed above.                                                            
