
 (!) _DUMMERCON 3_: The Text File Review (!)

        Visit the official Dummercon website for pictures of this year and
  previous years events!

                       http://www.dto.net/dummercon/

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

        I am pathetically trying to compile a list of all the people I
 remember who attended Dummercon.  My memory isn't perfect.  Sorry.

        Mogel, Murmur, Kaia, Shadow Tao, Jook, Quarex, Mercuri, Skooter, BUG,
 Metalchick, Evol, Spiff, Kurdt, G0ff, Whoops, ErisE, Moogle, Jamesy, Yumas,
 Pip the Angry Youth, Hacksaw, Ninja, Fake Puck, Kerropi, Swisspope, Ghort,
 Feival, Glynis, Obsidian, Hrothgar, Rick Chen, Rattle, Ilsundal, Rattle,
 Ilsundal, Trilobyte, Neko, Kraftwerk, Sighrik, Plexus, Gnarf, Vanir, Renee,
 Wallpaper, Darkland, Kilmer, Spirit, Ryuu, Captain Rat, Kheldar, Piglet,
 Windex, Suicidal Chicken, Dead Cheese, Poto, Graywolf, Sonia, Handle, Crank,
 Splatman, Goldy the Pimp, The Front Giant.

            Oh, here were the Dummecon King & Queen awards:

        Dummercon King Nominees        Dummercon Queen Nominees
        -----------------------        ------------------------

                         Murmur        ErisE
           *WINNER*! -->  Mogel        Glynis
                         Quarex        Kaia  <-- *WINNER*!
                         Jamesy        Feival
                          Ghort        Pixy

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 "dummercon or something like that"
 by murmur

        it's an odd feeling, the feeling that you were primarily responsible
 for assembling a group comprised of some of the most gifted and potentially
 successful high school and college-aged people in all of america, just do
 they could, as a mass, act like a bunch of fucking idiots.

        but such was the experience that was dummercon, a surreal event made
 even more surreal by the inexplicable appearance of a dazed and confused and
 frost giant and made seem no better than the glory days of pol pot as a trio
 of small children gingerly stepped their way through a sea of once-attached
 keys from a series of once-functional keyboards.

        it should come as little surprise that the master of ceremonies
 barely arrived on time and that the most-awaited of all guests somehow
 managed to be late.  as the event unfolded, backed by a soundtrack
 consisting of the likes of better off airport, jack drag, napalm death, and
 faxed head, slowly the masses arrived and went to eat and came back and
 wandered off and were basically more or less assembled through the greater
 part of the afternoon in an otherwise peaceful and beautiful central
 illinois park on a warm but not overwhelmingly hot mid-july day.

        the absurdity typified by a contigent of people from a portion of
 america that's never really sure what time zone it belongs in was a common
 thread throughout the day, as sailors wielding wacky noodles and conspiracy
 theorists wielding laptops raised the ante on previous festivals of text and
 gore with the previous threshold of a mere twenty-nine participants being
 buried by the onslaught of what may well have been eighty people from across
 the country, many of them smart enough to reach bloomington, illinois to
 attend an e'zine convention but of sufficiently little brain capacity that
 merely signing the log, intended to let the people who had masterminded the
 event, was such an ordeal that they could not figure out how to do so.

        the melting pot boiled over with otherwise ass-glued-to-seat geeks
 and dumbfounded quasi-transients along for the mayhem comprising a
 remarkable ensemble of personages who combined to make for no more
 federally-recognized nationalities than not-necessarily-federally-
 recognized preferences in a mate's gender (all, of course, with the
 recognizance that "VIKING" remains well off the list of federally-recognized
 nationalities), literally defining a generation of mostly middle-class white
 kids possessing neither rhyme nor reason but shitloads and shitloads of
 drive, desire, and in particular energy, though the energy seemed confined
 to the hands of perhaps a mere fifteen percent of the actual event
 participants, the rest content to stand around and look much like their
 parents, wasting away in the splendor that is a good economy but atrocious
 schooling.

        the circumstances having been painted in such a drab and bleak
 light, with the aid of a text file editor that has been configured to show
 me my beautiful characters in morose blue, can you but try and imagine the
 scene when some sixty or seventy freaks from across the eastern half of the
 country, plus one currently in nevada, tried to gather into a massive circle
 and introduce themselves as though it were storytime at vacation bible
 school for a bunch of impoverished inner-city second graders?

        well, try.

        although i've got to admit that i was a bit disappointed with the
 lack of innovation on the part of this year's attendees, certain things more
 than made up for that perceived lack, in particular:

 * modem bomb
   - though i'm not typically pro-pyrotechnics, i've got to give credit where
     credit is due, and credit is due to rattle for doing something so absurd
     as blowing up a modem.

 * the dumb stuff
   - an annual dummercon tradition, this year's dumb stuff was the best yet,
     with such oddities as a bunch of namecards, a mighty jim daubs t-shirt,
     and shadow tao's mcdonald's uniform being up for grabs.

 * the court
   - it was a dumb idea and it didn't work nearly as smoothly as we would
     have liked but it was still a nice touch, even though quarex nearly
     killed me in the aftermath of it for doing something or another.

 * the text-file competition
   - jamesy's team [teenage mutant ninja t-files] produced the single most
     intriguing spontaneus live text file i've ever seen.  unlike pip's team
     [slightly off center period], which turned out a very amusing text file
     indeed, jamesy's actually went less for amusement than serious writing
     in a timed setting, which was an extremely interesting (and unexpected)
     development.  still, goldy the pimp from pomona wrote for pip!

        there is still something fascinating about the premise of seventy
 people gathering in a park in central illinois because of text files.  at
 least with hacking or something like that, it's a community where you can
 smell some sort of identity - but text files, that's so vague.  granted, a
 lot of people that were there were local yokels who had no clue what the
 fuck pEz or cDc are, but that's forgivable, they'll know one day.

        also interesting was the fact that this year, unlike years past, we
 actually had more than six girls (or however many we had at fdr park philly
 for dummercon 2) and it somehow looked less like a bunch of total geeks
 gathering and talking about network cables (unlike the infamous tut-raping
 at dummercon '96, so elite it was a year ahead (it took place in '95, see
 (we were really fucking clever back then (so clever the name "graphomaniacs"
 was suggested as an early name for dto!))))

        there is a pretty strong consensus to move dummercon to the suburbs
 of chicago in 1998, but, of course, there's a lot of fucking suburbs of
 chicago, so i have no idea what will actually happen.  overall, i think a
 lot of people really liked it, a lot of people had their lives permanently
 changed for the worse (like mercuri, who is now evil), and a lot of people
 were just generally confused and don't want to think about it anymore, and
 that's our goal, confusing the fuck out of people to the point where their
 immune systems crash and we can rob them of everything they own through
 slick telemarketing schemes and/or those fake pet things.

        this file is very late in being written because i am slacker du jour
 and you should love me for that, for, well, i am murmur, after all, you
 slimy bastards.  motherfuckin' wu-tang.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 "In Retrospect: Dummercon"
 A Review by -- Mercuri

        I was supposed to write an extensive review of Dummercon.  Oh well.
 Here's what I thought of all you cool zine people who attended: 

        HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH
 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
 HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! 

        YOU ARE ALL LOSERS! 

        HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH
 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
 HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! 

        YOU WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING! 

        HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH
 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
 HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! 

        PLUS, YOU'RE ALL UGLY!! 

        HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH
 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
 HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! 

        UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY!!! 

        HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH
 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
 HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! 

        WEAK! WEAK! YOU'RE ALL EITHER CRACK WAIFS OR FATASSES! 

        HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH
 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
 HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! 

        IF YOU HAD FUN AT DUMMERCON, YOU HAVE NO SOCIAL LIFE! 

        HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH
 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
 HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! 

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

        The following material is from the annuel Live E'zine Contest.  This
 year, we decided to face-off Jamesy and Pip the Angry Youth once and for
 all.  The editors were given two minutes to create a promotional text file.
 Then, they needed to assemble writers to write for their 'zine.

 "slightly off-center period"               "teenage mutant ninja textfiles"

                               (FACE-OFF)

                                 Editor:

       Pip the Angry Youth          vs.         Jamesy

                                 Writers:

                  Ilsundal          vs.         G0ff
          Suicidal Chicken          vs.         Whoops
            Goldy the Pimp          vs.         ErisE
               Dead Cheese          vs.         Kaia
                     Spiff          vs.         Trilobyte
                    Rattle          vs.         Shadow Tao

 Here's the resulting live text-files, unedited:

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 greetings from the scene;s new zine... 

 SLIGHTLY OFF CENTER PERIOD

                           .  # 1
                      BY PIP THE ANGRY YOUTH
                    (jamesy likes little boys)


 ------------

pretty uch our zine is here to distribute new and stimulating poetry on the
information superhighway...

we want to be a forum for those of you who want to be heardj... shout out and
feel the angst just shoot out of your mouth and cover the deafened ears of
the unbeleivers...

   ==( .)==

  i like you
  smell like poo
  makes me think of a jew
  oh you...

  == (. )==

  jingle bells jingle bells
  chestnuts all the way
  oh what joy it is to ride
  in my hooptie while we pop a cap in your punk ass
  bitch.

  ==(. )

   we have hikus now
   they are nice things to write, man
   i like them alot

  ==(   . )==-
 
  uhm, ,this si a poem

  and it doesn't rhyme

  ==( . )==


  ==(  .  )==

  uhm... i can' treally think of anything else to write... so... yeha

 ------------
                               .
                           #2 
                edited  by pip the angry youth

 =(. )==

  ouch!#  by jill soublet

  oh you hurt me
  my inner child weeps
  i wish i could die
  i can't think of anything
  my mind is a blank slate built with pain
  i'll just fade away...

  =( .)===============

  you ripped me off by leroy the guy

  i can't beleive you charged me five bucks
  i wanted that album for four
  but no... you ripped me off.


  i waited for you outside of your store the next night
  you came out by yourself

  and i killed you... the end

  WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, HUH?!@3  I ASK YOU THE SIPMLE QUESION IN A MILD TONE
  OF VOICE...

  ARE YOU HAPPY NOW THAT YOU GOT THAT EXTRA DOLLAR?!

 == (.     )==

  enter night by james hetfield

  exit light
  enter night
  take my hand
  off to never never land

  ==(.                              )==

  the sweat on my nuts by mogel

  it's hot today
  sweat on my nuts
  i feel slippery
  sexy
  seductive

  i am woman, hear me roar.

  ==(. )==

  next issue we're going to start a new format...

  anything you want to submit, not all poetry#


 ------------

                                            . #3
                            by ilsundal
                            "fuck!"



hi hi hi!  :)

smiley dundle florfs ...
orange little posies in a field of white smoke.
we have lots of little june bugs flying in a
purple haze.

cake,
cake is nice like lilies on a warm beach with
rosie posies.
if we all had half the amount of cake snuffles
had, we'd be content. :) :) :)

---

smile, yellow flowers in an autumn bliss.
candles singing after a big big kiss.
people flying many kites.
people stealing the bill of rights,

if there was as much mustard as there was cheese,
we'd never ever have to please;
the summers of heaven dancing like the wind,
and then and then, there' no more toads to find.

;) :) :)  happy happy happy!

he he he!  not only that, but there's a lot more
sauce to go around.

"and don't forget to enjoy the sauce!"

------------

                     rant 
                 by  suicidal chicken


732? What the Hell?
-------------------

I guess the grass might be greener
on the other side;
But it will all turn brown someday.

The flowers may be sweet and bright
and beautiful;
But they will all wither.

The skies may be quite blue,
and the clouds brilliant;
but storms will come, they will come.

Where do you go when you get homesick,
and you realize,
you are already home?

P.S.  h0e sucks, GASP rules!

------------

             take a golden shower with me
                  by goldy the pimp from pomona

yo!  this iz GOLDY PIMP fro POMONA an me an muh
homies un chikls iz in da gahden!

i like wented to d markit an dis bouy he sez yo u
caint git none dat alchemy, it 2 late!  an like i
sez u i toest bouy an i whipps owt da gaTTTTTTT an
he sez sir u can have whiskey i sez no BIOTCH!  an
i GATTTTTTTTTT an i stealz all hiz 40zz!!!  an den
we iz hav lotz of poo-tang wif da poo-tang-biotch
pahty pahty crewss!!!  an we gotz drunkz!!!!

so i tellllz u wut i thunk abow da supream hoart.
it iz like, yo, they is da old men not da homiez,
what nose dey nthin:?/  jack boot bastARDLEY

i writz poem

fish fish fish fish
fish fish fish fish
FUQ U NIG-MAN HONK-MAN FAKE-HO-BAG

yah i writz gr8 poeZZ#

yo dis GOLDY PIMP fro POMONA an i iz OWT$&Q

------------

               i am cheese, and i am dead
                       by dead cheese


i like apples.

  hey everyone, where's the apples??  i can't find
them nywhere.  i've searched and searched.  no
apples for mr. bean.  sometimes i sit in my bed
and dream.  what do i dream about, you ask?  why,
apples.  what else could i dream of?  apples grow
from trees and they taste good and i like them a
lot.


  the night was cold.
  the man was old.
  he had arthritis.
  so he smoked a bowl.


  everyone thinks i'm just a normal guy.  i'm not.
i have friends named wallaby and effervescence.
effervescence is a frog.  he bubbles and chirps.
he's so silly!  i think that wallaby is my best
friend.  he likes to dress me and like him.  when
he puts on my underwear, he touches me in a
special way that makes me shiver.  shiver like a
crazy ol' goose!

  time for peeps.
  they ride in jeeps.
  i eat smelly mooses.

 ------------

                   grrrrr@#$#@@$#@#$
            _a collection of angry youth tales_
              by  spiff the angry youth

i connect on port eighty, you crzy sexy baby..

GET / HTTP/1.0

oh apache my dark lover,
what mime type shall we dine on this evening?

text/plain?text/html?

no, your audio/wav was never meant for me..

you close your connection on my heart... you never
were much for love... 

till we meet again.

---

skillz 4days,
my crazy ways,
i know all the plays,
i would've gotten all A's.
BUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING TEST HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH
THE CHAPTER YOU STUIPD FUCKING WHORE.

warez my diploma?

---

"DRIVING IN NJ"

over the bridge,
do it for the kid,
left,
right,
left/right
another ko.
watch out for the semi#@$#@#$@$#

------------

                ronald mcdonald
                   by rattle

"i have had good days, and i have had bad days.
today wasn't one of them"

i got this fucking job as this fucking
microfilming place working for fucking morons with
fucking idiots.

i fucking HATE it.

this wacked bitch told me yesterday that she
dosen't like me because i use big words.  what a
idiot.  i hate her, this make me hate her more..
in fact, i told her that god hated her, because he
told me.  bitch.  i hope she does not replicate.

the guy who runs the place is named jim.  this is
one count down already.  i have never gotten along
with a person named jim in my life.. (with like 3
exceptions)..  for some reason everyone named jim
is a asshole.  just for kicks i'm going to name my
first born male jim.. so he will stay away from
me.

punk.

yep.

anyway, back to work..  i film old law documents.
it fucking sucks.  the other day i brought in a
copy of hustler, and filmed a few pages in the
middle of some case..  so somewhere in the queens
count court archive, there are twatty pictures.

i am just SO cool it hurts.

ego is a good thing i say.  i am god, and i know
it.  you can't hurt me.

see!  that sounds like some lame ass song lyric,
and thouse guys make money.

lots.

more than me.

and they have lots of chicks.

damnit. i need chicks..  without mouths

 ------------

        that about wraps up   .  ... we have had a good run of about 34
 t-files... i love you guys,

 - pip the angry youth.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

##########	##		##	##		##	##########
    ###		#### 	     #####	######		##	    ###
    ####	######## 3######## 	#########	##	    ####
    ###		## 	 	##	##      #########	    ###


TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TFILES

"Mess with the best, die like the rest" - CRASH OVERRIDE

	hey, guys!  write for my fucking zine, nigaga!@#$!$!$R!#IU#RHJWEHJ

	this is like my ZIBNE and HSIT.  i hope you LIKE IT.,  here;'s
sone POETRY:

"Jews"
-By JAmesy

JEWS
NIGGA FUCK SHIT UP
I love the blood red sky in the morning as i open the flaming torch of
    a 


open winter fire morning

JEW in the spring smells slowly like green


---	q-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	


sok what does it take to submit to TMNT?  it's simple!

be at dummercon.,  write on this machine.  goi ahead and wriute over what
i type, i don't care.  

so like

all you ave to do is a boom boom boom baby zoom zoom

-JAmesy {the great white hope}

### SAFET-NUTS SAYS THUS FUKE US @ lines!!! CHUCK EATS POOP OOII HYDRATES

 ------------

YYYYYYYYY  O   O   N   N   IIIIIIIII   G
   YYY     OO Oo   NN  N       II      G
   YYY     O O O   N N N     III       G
   YYY     O   O   N  NN      III   
   YYY     O   O   N   N     III       G


TMNT-001.txt
by james hetfield.
"this file hsa no subject."

this file has no subject no adjectives no fuck up shit in the middle of a
wasteland in america working in a corn factory shooting birds out of the
ground with their piss assed smelly frat men slamming their feces into
the corvettes of sixty - five year old


				women

you can't escape.  you can't leave this pathetic hole we exist in.  you
won;'t make it.  you can't.  you can't even try.  oh, you THINK you tryu,
but you don't.  you make escapes of your own, little escapes from your
escapes from everyday life.  you think your little life saver and your
bullet  - proof vest is going to stop the jaws of hell from sleeping on
top of your teddy bear your father gave you in the 11th grade when the
mother was found head down in the colorado river?

and you think there's a reason?

i pity you.  i pity your attempt at living, your attempt at not living,
and your attempt at attempting to even create some sort of surreal
existential mish-mash gulag.  drown.  

flip through your personal yellow pages

			what do yuo find?

	a book full of advertisements, full of excuses of why you don';t
have anything inside of you.  you run through a cycle of mistakes that
will never break.  you eat your own shit, you wallow in your misery, your
ear is bitten off, and you wait for round 2.  your only consellation is
antilles' heel; your only prize is a squirt of urine in your face and
sleep deprevation under your eyes.

sleep well, my friend.  you'll need my regards.

 ------------

"Cran kitty cryong on my shoulder" -- by g0ff

In everyone's life, there is an experience which completely defines the
rest of everything wchih will come until death.  For me, it involved a
cat, a beverage, a parent, and another parent.

Let me paint the scene for you.  My mother, my father, and I were sitting
aroun the table in the living room, watching some duly banal television
show, eating our pitiful tv dinners, and drinking our preferred beverages.
My mother's beverage of choice was Ocean Spray Cran-Raspberry juice.

As qwe sat there watching, my mother suddenly came upon a sense of thirst.
She turned to my father and asked, "Can I have some cran-raz?"  At this
point, I should note that in _Zodiak_ by Neal Stephonson, the exact same
sentence appears.  Anyway, my father replied, "Here's cran-kitty," and
handed her Anna the cat.

They were divorced within a year.

And that's that, really.

251-5049.

 ------------

"The love of my life" -- by Whoops

It started off innocently enough. I was in class. 14 years old, a freshman
in high shcool. She passed by the door.. books in hand, hair swept up on
top of her head. 

Five years later, I see her again. I'm older now, a little wiser, a little
stronger. I'm sitting on a bench in the park, she sits down next to me,
books in hand. She says not a word, leans over and kisses me deeply. "I've
been watchin you," she whispers into my ear as she nibbles on it. "You're
the one." She takes my hand and I must follow.

She leads me along a path for a while, until we are alone. Strokes my hair
with her delicate fingers, massaging my head with her skilled hands. Her
gossamer hair neatly on her head looking somehow seducitve, prim and yet
wicked at the same time.

She takes me to her place, and it happens. You know how it goes.. Slow,
learning each other for the first time. I fall asleep in her arms, content
and dreaming of clouds. 

Wakin up two hours later; she is gone. A neatly typed note left on the
kitchen table: "Goodbye. Love, Mavis Beacon."

She's my type of woman, Mavis is. 

-kc

 ------------

 "blah" -- by ErisE

this is a story, not about warez, not about d00dz, with nothing leet
whatsoever involved. this is a story about "normal" fucking people.

hi my name is tori. i'm insane. this has been determined by multiple
professionals. i know many people who are perfectly sane. they are shining
examples of people. really. not one thing wrong with a single fucking one.

so there was this guy named bob. he had a girlfriend who was somehow
decided to be "attractive". he really hated her, to tell the truth, but he
continued to date her, to spend (waste) most of his time with her, and to
live for her. too bad she didn't give a fucking shit about him.

later in my life, i met a very nice woman named jane. jane was obsessed
with how much she sucked. no matter what she would do, she would always
hate herself, degrade herself, hurt herself, deny herself. everything that
happened in her life related to her. it was all her fucking fault,
regardless of how remote it may indeed be.

really fucking sane.

sanity, insanity, it's all relative. it's not even that. it's completely
meaningless. themoire i live the more im' convinced of this.

 ------------

"Time to make the marshmellow chicks explode" -- by Kaialicious

Once upon a time, the International Council oF zines, during their annual
Dummercon convention, decided that the next Great zine leader was a
five-year-old boy from Spokane, Washington, who never bled when he was
injured and could provide philosophically-sound advice from the likes of
Nietzsche and mOGEl upon request to anyone in the world.

So they flew the child to the next Dummercon.  He agreed that he was
willing to take over the world of Zines.  While making his way to the
mini-mart, however, he got run over by a train and lost both his arms
and legs so he could
never begin to write nor ever be a major track star.

However, driven by a need to create, he purchased a skateboard
 and went to Wildwood, new jersey, and sat on the boardwalk singing
"AMazing grace" and asking for donations.  One kid, however, was mean and
decided to wheel the kid into the ocean where undiscovered by the
lifeguards, he sunk to the bottom of the ocean and became a sedimentary
rock.

A geologist in the next century discovered a wonderful gem one day at the
bottom of the ocean, and decided to make it into jewelry.

 ------------

 "\yo" -- by trilobyte

this is bob, they say, wth grins on their faces.  bob is not loved by
many.  bob hates all, bob wants to die.  bob was born with eaten hair --
what exactly ate his hair is not to be disclosed.  sometime in the
formation of his head, little tiny stupid-things ate away the filaments
inside his scalp.  however, along came bob's dad, and offered to whoop
ass.

"i will whoop ass," he gleefully exclaimed.

crowds nearby paid no attention, but bob's mother cheered, broke water,
and ejected bob out of her body.  he landed on the floor with a hard
"thump", and began to cry immediately.

"waaaah," he cried.

but he had no hair.  he grew up to be a hairless motherfucker with no
hair.  rogaine couldn't help him.  nothing could help him.  he was
considered to be a stupid mother fucker and liked to eat bread.  not just
any bread, but the extra-se=pecial bread that you can't just get at any
old supermarket.  he needed to go to a nice bakery to get HIS bread.  he
needed to drink while he ate his bread because it was dry, rather like
german bread, but it was not made of wood.  or bark.  that would make a
break rather fibrous.  fiber is good, though, old people like fiber.
otherwise, they can't shit.  or if they do, it doesn't come out solid.
some of the old people have hair and some don't.  they might have lost it.
when you get old, even the old women lose hair.  there's no male-pattern
baldness for women -- because they're not males.  but the bitches go bald
anyway.  bob doesn't like that -- he feels sorry for them.  he feels their
pain.  but they bake him bread, cuz he's a stupid motherfucker.

 ------------

 "unlisted number" -- by tao

  she spotted him outside the market, wandering about the booths and
looking at pieces here and there.  she strolled up to him, casually
sweeping her stride across the stone, scraping her shoes along the rough
cobble.   "how odd to see you here, father.. i din't think you came down
very often to deal with the riffraff and such," she gleamed with a smirk.
	"oh, you know.. sometimes you have to know what it's like." he
cooly picked up a piece of pottery, turning it over.
	".. i doubt you know what it's like, father."  she loosened her
top a little.. pink jutting out from underneath the crimson.  
	" that doesn't work on me, lilith." he replied, steeling his
stare.

	"oh, you're cheating. no mere man can resist me."
	

	suddenly, a pillar of fire struck down from the heavens, reducing
her to ash.

	somewhere in the wind, the windchimes tinkled with a giggling
titter.

		"cheater.. cheater.."


	he looked back down at his piece, putting it on the desk and
walking away.

 ------------

this has been a dto production in DISGUISE!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, SUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

        So that was Dummercon 3.  I hope you're happy.

-eof
