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(   ____  ____  ____                                                        )
 ) |    ||    |\    \                                                      ( 
(  |    ||    |/____/    alfred                                             )
 ) |    ||    |\    \    ir file number 030                                (
(  |____||____| |____|   released 08.27.00                                  )
 ) |    ||    |\|    |   by nawleed                                        (
(  |____||____| |____|   we're just fucking with your mind.                 )
 )  _impulse reality_                                                      (
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	alfred was fat.
	
	alfred was so fat, in fact, that only his closest friends, who were
also fat, called him by his real name. other people called him "fatty" or
"fatboy" or "lardass."

	day after day alfred would sit alone in his room listening to NIRVANA
and tap-tap-tapping away at his computer keyboard with his chubby little
fingers and staring into his monitor. god only knows what he was doing.

	probably looking at porn.
	
	alfred and his other fat friends would go out time and again, and as
they walked by random people would yell obnoxiously loud and rude things at
them. it was not uncommon for alfred and his friends to be walking down the
street minding their own business, and hearing, all of a sudden, "AHAHAHAHA
GET A LOAD OF THE LARDASSES!@#% HAHAHAHA HAAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHA!@#$%"

	as you might imagine, this upset alfred a great deal, and he
eventually asked his father, who was surprisingly underweight, for guidance.

	"alfred, my son," his father said, "you can't blame the other kids
for calling you fat. you _are_ fat. right?"

	"well," alfred said, "i... i guess so."
	
	"you're damn right you are. lay off the cheeseburgers, fatty. anyway,
you shouldn't be ashamed of being fat. you don't, after all, have a whole lot
going for you. your fat is the only thing you have that other kids your age
don't! wear it like a badge of pride!"

	alfred, feeling somewhat better, thanked his father for the advice.
	
	"any time, pal. go get 'em, you fatass!"
	
	so alfred took his father's advice. he got a custom printed t-shirt
that read, "I'M FAT AND YOU'RE NOT." he wore this shirt every day, to let
people who saw him know that he had something they didn't.

	the people who used to make fun of alfred found his new, heightened
self-esteem charming, and befriended him. alfred stopped sitting in front of
his computer for hours on end, and instead started hanging out with his new
friends more often. girls were attracted to him. guys respected him. alfred
was happy.

	and deep down inside, alfred knew it was what he deserved.

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 )  Copyright  (c)  2000  Impulse  Reality  -  http://phonelosers.net/ir   (
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