---(moo)-----------------------------------------------------------------------
                   y0lk 36: the little cultist that couldn't
---(cow)-----------------------------------------------------------------------

        well, y0lk is at a standstill.  i don't feel like writing, but y0lk
hasn't released in quite a while, so i suppose i should put one out just so
everybody knows we still exist.  why?  i don't know, and i don't care.  i
just have to release this.

---(sob)-----------------------------------------------------------------------

        so what do you write when you don't feel like writing?  MINDLESS
GARBAGE!  yep.  that's what y0lks are made of.  but i'm always the one to spit
in the face of reality, so this issue, NO GARBAGE.  yeah, i'm deciding this
right now.  intense, quality writing.  yee-haw.

---(oh boy)--------------------------------------------------------------------

        i just read jonas #14, it was pretty good.  i suggest that if you
haven't already, you pick it up and read it.  but one thing that struck me
was how edicius responded to youth bad-asses.  at one point, he just ran off
a traditional bashing of cigarettes and drugs:

        "I know not to do drugs or smoke, because thats just paying to kill
yourself."

        there's nothing wrong with this quote, let me make that clear.  what
struck me was how i related it to myself.  i thought- "why don't i use drugs
or smoke?" and what i answered was a little disturbing.  i used to smoke a
lot, like... constantly.  and the reason i quit was because i knew people
WANTED me to smoke.  they see me, a kid who gets bad grades at school, doesn't
talk much, etc... and they want to label me as a certain type of person--
and smoking is something they expect- and want me to do.

        so i quit.  it sounds ridiculous, but who knows.  i feel like more of
a bad-ass by not smoking.  spitting in the face of reality.

---(yeah)----------------------------------------------------------------------

        hmm.  i think i'll write a story or something.

---(yay)-----------------------------------------------------------------------

        it was a normal day in apartment 113, home of "the devil dogs," a
satanic cult run by students of saint louis university.  the boys had just
finished their daily ritual, and were lounging around the apartment.  the
corpse of a recently-sacrificed goat lay on the floor under johnny's feet, as
he was reclining in his easy chair, finishing off a cigarette.

        "hey, you think satan listens to these guys?" johnny said to his
friends across the room.  the new smashing pumpkins video was playing on MTV.
the cultists replied with a round of laughs.  "no, i'm serious, don't you ever
wonder what music satan listens to?"

        "don't be ridiculous," said rick, "satan listens to alice cooper."

        "oh, yeah, that's right.  hehe."  johnny faked a laugh.  "but really,
does satan like music?  and what kind?  i mean, worshipping him is great and
all, but i wish i could know what kind of guy sata--"

        "SHUT UP and listen to the damn song!  i want to hear this."  the room
was silent for about an hour, when suddenly, an amazing thing happened.

        in a puff of smoke, satan appeared.  he was everything rick and johnny
had imagined him to be.  seven feet high, red-skinned, and angry.  johnny woke
up at the sound of his arrival, but rick remained asleep on the couch.  johnny
scrambled away from the devil and tried to wake rick.

        "RICK!  RICK!  wake up!  satan is here to talk to us!"

        "shut the fuck up, john.  i'm sleeping."

        satan sighed loudly and boomed, "let him sleep, johnny.  i'm here to
talk to you, and you alone.  i see you've been worshipping me for quite a
while, and i want you to join my legion and become a true servant of the
devil.  there will first be a test.  if you pass, you will become a general
in the army of hell."

        "whoa, cool.  so what's the test?  do i have to beat you at something?
i bet i could kick your ass at sega!"

        "no, johnny.  you have to kill for me."

        john was amazed.  "WHAT?!  i can't kill someone!  i could go to hell
for that!"

        "uhh... that's the point, johnny.  if you kill someone for me, you can
go to hell and be a general."

        "uhm, i'm not sure about this.  i think i kinda want to go to heaven."

        "what are you talking about?  why would you worship me if you wanted to
go to heaven?  are you out of your mind?"

        "well, no... it's just that... well, you're so damn cool, satan!  i
mean, god is just a big fat dude with a long white beard!  why the hell would
i worship a dork like him?"

        satan became annoyed and john's stupidity.  "because you want to go to
heaven.  listen, if you're not going to kill for me, then i gotta go.  there's
a pumpkins concert in chicago tonight."

        "fine!  i don't want you in my apartment anyway, you asshole!"

        satan growled, and stormed out of the apartment.  as he left, he
screamed, "a curse on the both of you!  your pathetic souls shall be eternally
damned!"

        johnny screamed back.  "yeah, right.  get the fuck out of my home,
you big red asshole!"  johnny growled, and as he fell back asleep, he mumbled
to himself: "what a moron.  i can't believe he thought i worshipped him."

        the rituals continued, every day at noon they sacrificed a goat and
danced around a small fire.  johnny never thought of the incident again, and
continued to worship his almighty master, the devil.

---(uhh)-----------------------------------------------------------------------

        yep, there ya go.  no garbage, just poorly-written literature.  well,
that's the end of the issue.  bye.  oh, and check out the new y0lk homepage,
http://nexxus.novasys.com/~creed/y0lk.html  ...seeya.

---(index)---------------------------------------------------------------------

.s&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&s.
$ ## $                            title                            $ author $
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$ 01 $ the other white meat                                       $ creed   $
$ 02 $ several k-leet hax0rs sittin around a campfire and groovin $ creed   $
$ 03 $ nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars.              $ creed   $
$ 04 $ a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin         $ creed   $
$ 05 $ household uses for afghanistanian food                     $ creed   $
$ 06 $ pour cement down my anus                                   $ hooch   $
$ 07 $ hail santa!                                                $ creed   $
$ 08 $ hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties?             $ hooch   $
$ 09 $ lunchables rock.                                           $ creed   $
$ 10 $ t-shirts and toejam                                        $ bedlam  $
$ 11 $ nap-time - the dog prank - exclusive interview             $ hooch   $
$ 12 $ movie reviews [showgirls!@] - win95 vs. os/2 [sorta]       $ hooch   $
$ 13 $ straight outta' compton - dialchix - muh dawg!@            $ hooch   $
$ 14 $ i'm a tall, goofy, dorky, chink                            $ phorce  $
$ 15 $ bedazzled by the eliteness                                 $ creed   $
$ 16 $ how to blow your nuts out with cornstarch and orangina     $ creed   $
$ 17 $ i am a warez pup - who are you?                            $ hooch   $
$ 18 $ lemmings                                                   $ phorce  $
$ 19 $ the science of astrology                                   $ belial  $
$ 20 $ the notorious anticlimactic bastards of the zine scene     $ cd/h0   $
$ 21 $ dUcK 54uc3?!#$!?                                           $ phorce  $
$ 22 $ top 5000 reasons why i should kill myself                  $ creed   $
$ 23 $ citrus fruits for sale                                     $ phorce  $
$ 24 $ group masturbation                                         $ belial  $
$ 25 $ ethereal experiences for perverted pyromaniacs             $ creed   $
$ 26 $ catering for the warez eleet                               $ phorce  $
$ 27 $ brief mental pause                                         $ belial  $
$ 28 $ the army day camp                                          $ belial  $
$ 29 $ the geek theory, hickies, and another long day             $ creed   $
$ 30 $ nets, zines, and that chick from wings                     $ hooch   $
$ 31 $ mentos! the freedom giver!                                 $ mercuri $
$ 32 $ ramblings of a poseur                                      $ bedlam  $
$ 33 $ sitcoms, stereotypes, and satan                            $ creed   $
$ 34 $ fuck you - a note to all y'all on #zines                   $ hooch   $
$ 35 $ apples, oranges, and pears                                 $ phorce  $
$ 36 $ the little cultist that couldn't                           $ creed   $
`$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$'


     if you see your name on that chart, you are a y0lk member, whether you
like it or not.  if you are a y0lk member, you have a y0lk member board, et
cetera.  woog.

        mindcrime is an official y0lk member.
