
                                    .
      _ ____________/\_________/\___|\_____ ___.        ____:___________ _
      |  _______      \        ^\\ _____  (____)_______/ _/ ^  ______ _  |
      |  ³    ______   \-  _______-   _/  _____         _/  :     /      |
      ³       \_________/       /   __   /    / -________- /__-  /       ³
   .......:..    .   \     ._ _/_.  ./__/_-  /_ \_____   /  .  _/_ __ _.......
      ³//__ /    |    \  ____/   /  :     /   /         /   :    / ___\\ ³r3p
      : .   _____|____ \________/___|____/___/______. //____|___/-^¿    .|
    ._: :    L ------ \/ --------------------------- \/ ---------- ³    ::_.
    | : |___ .                                                     ³. __|: |
   _|_____              relish ezine #1   "the awakening"          :  _____|_
   |_ _      .                                                     .    __ _|
    |    __  :            author: the masked marauder              :__ _ :_|
   .|.³......|                                                     |.....³..
   :  |     :³____________      _       _    _       ______________|:    | :
   :  |-----|::..................................................::|:------:
   :..|......- --------------------------------------------------- -:....|.:
                                                                         :

[-----------------------------------------------------------------------------]



            relish and the information herein is the sole biproduct of
          the maniacal musings of the masked marauder (chris) and cannot
          be reproduced, copied, or sampled without the express written
           consent of chris or a big, generous plug. relish totally and
          unequivicably supports the defense of any and all injustices
             carried forth by 'the system.' and all proceeds from the
             distribution of this zine go toward those worthy causes.


[-----------------------------------------------------------------------------]


tmm's editorial%

'i took off for a weekend last month just to try and recall the whole year.'
 -jimmy buffett "changes in lattitudes, changes in attitudes"
(---- --  --   --  -)
i had a wierd weekend. technically, it wasn't a weekend, but it felt like
one, so i'll call it that. me and 9 friends went to the lake monday morning
and came back today (wednesday) at around 4pm. and we camped. two of my best
friends are both eagle scouts, so we were by no means helpless. the lake
trip was planned for the sole reason of 'getting the hell away from here!'
but in a way, it has mirrored the way my senior year has gone this year. aww
shit, here comes another quote:
'some of it was magic, some of it was tragic, but i had a good life all the
way.'   -jimmy buffett "he went to paris" < note, that is going on my tomb-
stone. >
(---- --  --   --  -)
my life this past year has been somewhat similar to a roller coaster, i guess
sort of a soap opera on wheels. and our little trip showed it. the monday that
we were supposed to leave was one of the lows, i was sitting there at my bank,
begging them not to charge me for the five bounced checks i wrote last week,
then i left there and took my car to the shop to get the engine rebuilt for the
second time in two weeks, all the while thinking how much of a piece of shit it
was. all of this coming one week after getting caught drinking at a lacrosse
tournament and being suspended from the team and having my title of 'captain'
stripped from me. obviously, a stellar week. anyways, monday around 11am, we
all piled into our cars and drove an hour to the lake.
(---- --  --   --  -)
the campsite was pretty rad, we were all alone on a little peninsula with a
cliff of around 50 feet separating us from the big lake, and it was beautiful.
with the balmy sun beaming down on us, we set up the tents. there were four
tents, one for each couple. <i'll get to that later> and after getting every-
thing straight, we went climbing around the cliffs. things were beginning to
look up. the cliffs were soft, flat sandstone, and they surrounded a private
little cove of white beach and clear blue water. so we grabbed some rocks and
carved in four foot letters in the cliff our names and under that, plano
seniors '96. definitely something to remember. the rest of the group got there,
so the inventory of people was me<chris>, jim, paul, grant, nathan, joanne,
jaime, michelle, melissa, and kristen. we cooked dinner and blah blah, drank
some and made a campfire, had 'sex talk' and then all went to bed at 9pm, all
sorts of drunk. i ended up with this girl that i had never met, and fortunately
for me, she put out, and i got laid. as did everyone else that night. that was
probably the peak of the roller coaster. the next morning we woke up and went
down to the beach and stayed all day, and got tan as hell. we came back around
4pm and got showers <some camp site eh?> and started dinner; this is where it
started to go downhill. we ate dinner and cracked open a few beers, and just
as we did, mr. park ranger paid us a visit, wrote a few m.i.p.'s and made us
pour out something like 6 cases of beer. to put it short and simple, i made
another beer run, came back with lots more, drank too much, got blood-alcohol
poisoning, and came home today, puking the whole way home.
(---- --  --   --  -)
strangely, i don't think i had that bad of a trip. it was so very relaxing.
and besides a few small difficulties, a good time was had by all; for the most
part.i somehow have learned to find satisfaction in the roller coaster process.
yes, the lows really suck hard. there are times when you just don't want to go
on anymore, it just doesn't seem worthwhile. but when i was lying on that beach
basking in the glow of the sun, and relaxed beyond all rational bounds, i could
think of nothing else but this:
'i prefer the roller coaster, the lows are low, but the highs make it all
worthwhile.' - grandma, from the movie "parenthood"


[-----------------------------------------------------------------------------]


  .     .
  :     :____.-------.____.-------.____.-------.____.----_--.
  |-- - |    .       _    .       _     ________    \/      |
+-|    :|    |      :|    |      :|     ______:|          :/----------------+
tm|_____|____|      .|____       .|____       .|____/\    .\
   m        \________|   \________|   \________|   \________|

          --(#)----------(title)-----------------------(author)--
         ....0...........cool relish ascii..............r3ptile...
         ....1...........tmm's editorial.................tmm......
         ....2...........index...........................tmm......
         ....3...........welcome to relish...............tmm......
         ....4...........what the fuck is relish?........tmm......
         ....5...........letters.........................tmm......
         ....6...........interview with r3ptile..........tmm......
         ....7...........phear...........................tmm......
         ....8...........ode to cheetohs cheese..........tmm......
         ....9...........greetz, thanks, and what not....tmm......
         ....10..........closing.........................tmm......
         ....11..........another cool relish ascii.....kaleidas...
          ---(+)---------(+)-----------------------------(+)-----

[-----------------------------------------------------------------------------]


welcome to relish%

no, it's not 'welcome to _____ biznatch' shit, it's relish, and it's different.
it's irreverant, it's uncaring; it's me. i think it adds a little flavor to the
zine gene pool. relish is simply what i am interested enough in to write about.
yes it has been inspired by quite a few sources, and i think that those sources
each individually are absolutely great. so to do them the justice that they so
deserve, here they are. first and foremost, and it's probably obvious that
edicius's k-wrad zine jonas was a big part of it. i think that jonas is simply
k-eleet, and has it's own little place in my heart :). also, through both
action and work <his zine dto> mogel has been a big influence. he's real cool
and really deserves to be pheared. also, frannie's little hodgepodge pez
was a strong contributor, and for good reason; it's a great zine. anyways,
that is all the ass kissing i'll do for now, i'll let you get on with the
zine, i hope you like it. ta-ta..    chris <tmm>


[-----------------------------------------------------------------------------]


what the fuck is relish?!%

to put it simply, it's nothing.  to put it complexly (if that is even a word)
it is everything. and thats all.

by calling it nothing, i mean that it centers around no particular scene
or group or person or art or anything; except maybe me. the direction of
this publication will probably go along with whatever interests me at that
point in time. so on that note, it is everything, and nothing. a paradox
in text, with hardly any high ascii, strictly for your chewing satisfaction.

in this first issue, i think i will center it around me. not to be ego-
maniacal or anything of the sort, but only because once you know me, you
will know what to expect from the zine in the future. that is, if anyone
even reads it, and even if no one did, it wouldn't really bother me, i'm
not doing this for you. not to be rude, only to be blunt, i dont really
care. that is one of the reasons i picked the title of relish.

i'm not a complete idiot, in fact, many tell me that i am quite intelligent.
i don't know, i don't care; but i do know that relish was a pet name for the
old school art group relic. in fact, a couple of my 214 bros were in it,
namely nivenh and boomer. but i like the name relish. so its my zine name.
if you have a problem, shut up, i don't want to hear it.

anyways, i don't mean to start out on a bad note. really, i don't. so
if you are taking the time to read this, enjoy it. it is pure, unabridged,
unadulturated me. and so it goes..

the masked marauder <tmm>


[-----------------------------------------------------------------------------]


letters%

>dear relish staff:
>
>are you stupid or something? everyone and their dog knows that relish
>is the name of that old art group relic! god, are you trying to spoof
>them or what? sheesh..
>
>Gomer
>

gomer:

no fucking shit. but i have two responses. first off, i know and i don't
really care. they aren't around anymore. second of all, they never copy-
righted their name like acid, so they legally can't do anything to me.
additionally, their original name was relic, not relish. the reason the
name relish was picked was abstract and strictly for its musical quality.
simply put, i like the sound of the name.

relish staff


>yO tMM fewl:
>
>you are the coolest, most intelligent, profound, thought provoking fewlios
>i have ever seen. one day, after many long years of preparing myself, i
>hope to someday rival your sheer magnitude. did i mention that i loved you
>and all that you touch? give me some feedback cause i am dying to hear (see
>i guess) your beautifully woven literary mastery in person. thanks dude..
>
>gROUPIE#1
>

groupie:

thanks bro, i appreciate it. but you forgot to mention my k-rad ascii. i
thought that was the main reason everyone knew me. :)

relish staff


>To Whom This May Concern:
>
>Unfortunately, we will no longer be able to fund your internet research
>any longer. It seems that we in Management have decided that attempting
>to tally and gather every single pornographic .gif and .jpg and even the
>lovely (excuse me) entertaining mpegs is not high on our priority list.
>We regret any misfortune that may occur because of this, so as a means
>to reimburse you, we have decided that you may keep the 6 gigs of porn
>that you have collected thus far. Thank you for your time and effort,
>and once again, we apologize for your project's termination.
>
>Jim P. Bryant
>President, EDS Research Faculty
>

dOh! how did that get in there?!%  :)


>Dear Sirs:
>
>Where can I get a subscription to your magazine? We here in Spokane,
>Washington have started a Relish Lovers Club that offers some of the
>finest and most exotic types of relish around. Since relish is the
>world's most elastic food (it can be eaten on hot dogs, salad, chicken,
>shrimp, and most other items) we decided that publication of the world's
>most tasty condiment is a great idea. We would like to offer a catalog in
>your magazine. If you could provide us with the proper information to do
>so, I would greatly appreciate it.  Thank you and enjoy your relish!
>
>Sincerely,
>
>Herman T. Ginsberg
>President, Relish Lovers Club, Relish Lovers of America
>

hermie:

sorry bro, but i really can't stand relish as food. it is just an abstract
name that i picked for my zine. if you wanna contribute some money because
of the k-wrad name, i'll take it. god knows i need the money. anyways, do
you have anything better to do than eat relish all day? doh, i guess i can't
say anything about it, because i am sitting here writing about it. god i'm
such a loser. someone kill me. :)

relish staff



>d3wd!:
>
>c4n 3y3 pUt mUh k-Wr4d w4r3z r3vi3w aNd s1t3 l1Zt1nG iN y3r 3m4g?
>3y3 4m l33t s0 1t w1lL b3 k00l!!!
>
>w4r3z fr34k
>

freakazoid:

no! no warez shit in here. i may write about it, but i'm not going to end
up tainted by your lameness. sorry. try the inquisition. they take like
anything, look at their ascii headers for their departments. i think that
my little brother could do better than that.

relish staff


>tmm mang:
>
>derr.. is it me, or is this thing named after that shitty album by joan
>osbourne? why why why?!
>
>some guy who sounds like nivenh
>

niv-sound-a-like:

well, yes, but i decided to name it relish before i had ever heard that damn
'god was one of us' song. really, i did. so leave me alone, i'm not changing
the name, <and jolt: i'm not naming it electric boogaloo>.

relish staff


[-----------------------------------------------------------------------------]


tmm's elite interview of r3ptile%


<tMM> wewt
<tMM> ok
<r3ptile> ok
<tMM> lets get this party started
<r3ptile> like say "starting now"
<tMM> 'engage'
<tMM> ^^ shameless star trek plug
<tMM> anyways
<tMM> personal shit
<r3ptile> heh
<r3ptile> ok

<tMM> name/age/location/howmanylaysperweek
<r3ptile> jeff / 16 / united states / about .5

<tMM> drugs?
<r3ptile> no.  drugs give you low sperm counts and stupid shit like that.
          the only time i ever smoked was tea.  and that was about like last
          year or somtehing
<tMM> cool

<tMM> so how long have you beein in the scene?
<r3ptile> the art scene?
<tMM> any scene
<r3ptile> ok
<tMM> what scene were you in first?
<r3ptile> first one i was in was warez.  of course thats where everyone starts
          (i think).  i was in warez for about a month.  then this local kid
          'narcolept' (some of you might remember him) told me about #ansi,
          and i got started in the art scene from there.  he got
<r3ptile> me in quad-p, which pot merged with, and i started ascii
<r3ptile> that was like 2? 1.5 years ago

<tMM> what groups have you been in
<r3ptile> quad-p, roc, vapor, teklordz, motion graphics, saga, apathy (current)
          and basic (current) ...there are others i cant remember tho

<tMM> what kinda art do you do?
<r3ptile> well, when i was a kid, i started with crayons and stuff like that,
          then as i grew older, i found that jizzing on a canvas works pretty
          well, and now that ive matured past that stage, i do ami/x ascii
<tMM> dats all? :)
<r3ptile> yeappers

<tMM> cool.. so why did you drop the scene a few months ago and switch to
      lo0py?
<r3ptile> well, to tell you the truth, i got sick of the art scene...drawing
          wasnt fun anymore, and i couldnt find a group that i liked that
          didnt die. i decided it would be pretty cool to try and write a
          zine, so thats where dogma came in.  now that i am bored with
<r3ptile> dogma, im switched my names back to r3ptile and im ready to draw.

<tMM> you seem to be kinda indecisive.. like, you cant get no satisfaction..
      you think thats kinda true?
<r3ptile> yes.  i have never really had a girlfriend for that long either.
          im never satisfied with one.  in a few months expect me to start
          dogma up again
<tMM> cool.. short relationships rule
<r3ptile> yea i know
<tMM> :P

<tMM> anyways, what do you think of the scene as a whole?
<r3ptile> i think that al the faggots that bitch about it should bend over
          for tguardian.  the scene is what you make of it.  if you suck,
          you dont survive

<tMM> what have you made of it?
<r3ptile> well, personally for myself, i enjoy my time in the scene.  when i
          dont like it, i take a break

<tMM> (off the subject) what the hell is wrong with tg anyways?
<r3ptile> im sure he can be cool, but every once in a while he acts like he is
          gay
<tMM> once in a while? :)
<r3ptile> ok, alot of the time :)

<tMM> heh, if you could describe the scene in one word, what would it be?
<r3ptile> in one word i think the scene is "fun"

<tMM> why?
<r3ptile> because i like to draw, and i enjoy releasing my work for others to
          see (unless of course it sucks:)
<tMM> it doesnt suck dude
<r3ptile> its because hardly anybody sees that stuff :)

<tMM> what do you think yer role in the sene is?
<r3ptile> nobody really 'assigned' me a role, but i would say to help most
          doodleboys with irc, the net, and to draw
<tMM> cool..

<tMM> who do you think are the .. hmm.. 10 coolest people you hang with in the
      scene?
<r3ptile> in no particiular order :  whodini, the masked maruader, matrickz,
          ellisdee, epidemic, despair (you pussy :), and kaleidas
<r3ptile> wups
<r3ptile> thats only 7
<tMM> dont werry
<tMM> it dont really matter

<tMM> what do you predict for your future in the scene?
<tMM> how long will you be in it?
<r3ptile> i think i will probably stay in until college, then i know i will
          be way too busy

<tMM> where you gonna go?
<r3ptile> penn state i hope :)
<tMM> good school

<tMM> so, anything else you wanted to say?
<tMM> <shameless chance at greets and plugs>
<r3ptile> yes
<r3ptile> greets:
<r3ptile> tmm; yo
<r3ptile> whodini; werd
<r3ptile> mx; wh0rd
<r3ptile> vcx; word
<r3ptile> umm thats it heh :)
<r3ptile> shit
<r3ptile> woah
<r3ptile> heh
<tMM> heh, werd
<tMM> ok cool
<tMM> thanks bro for the interview
<r3ptile> no prob
<r3ptile> yeap yeap


[-----------------------------------------------------------------------------]


phear%

what is phear? i have it, i proclaim it, but i don't think it has been clearly
defined. well that is about to change.
(---- --  --   --  -)
i have a couple of definitions of phear, together they paint a nice little
picture of what phear actually is. first off, phear is utmost respect. just
short of demigoguery. in that sense, it is a verb, an action you take towards
another person. i don't care who you are, everyone phears someone else, be it
someone in the scene, or just one of your friends that you look up to, you
phear them. i also think that phear is in the same category as elite, actually
i think that they are synonyms. if mogel is pheared, then he is elite, just the
same way, if i phear this cd, then the cd is truly elite, quite rad actually.
(---- --  --   --  -)
that is basically my textbook definition of what phear is. hopefully it has
helped you define your pherocity. in my humble opinion, phear is a tool that
serves to galvanize and shape a person's character. use it wisely.


[-----------------------------------------------------------------------------]



ode to cheetohs cheese
======================>
by the masked marauder

lovely cheetohs cheese
how you stick to my fingers so,
staining orange all of the keys,
sticking to me whereever i go.
you are always there, no matter what
i say, uncaring of what i'm wearing
even if i had a three foot beer gut.
with you i can do no wrong,
i love it when we get together and
have a good old sing-along.
but when i finish the bag, all
thats left is two inches of crumble
my hopes and dreams fall,
and my stomach begins to rumble.
so i must drive and buy another
if i did not, your lovely resin would
most certainly begin to wither.
oh dear cheetohs cheese, what could
i do, if i lived my life without you?


[-----------------------------------------------------------------------------]


closing%

well, that is about it for the first issue of relish. i hope you enjoyed it,
i had fun writing it. if you have any questions, comments, or feedback, you
can email me at jlantz@netcom.com and i will promptly respond. i will probably
release issue number two in about a month so look for it then. also, i know
that i am a k-wrad ascii arteest, but i don't wanna do all the art for the mag,
so if you could do an ascii or a little, cheap-o ansi logo, i would readily
appreciate it. and you can just email those to me, or find me on irc in #ansi
or #zines or #dread. thats it, i'll just greet a few people now...


[-----------------------------------------------------------------------------]


thanks, greets, and what not%

thanks:
the following people helped greatly in the production of this mag:
r3ptile, kaleidas <both for art>; mogel <for advice>; nivenh <inspiration> :)
if i missed anyone.. sorry.
(---- --  --   -- -)
greets:
i'd like to greet a few people that have never ceased to be cool.
nivenh       i cant find the werds for it right now.. :)
kaleidas     i really cant think of one time where i have ever seen you be
             anything less than k-kool to everyone. you rewl bro..
r3ptile      thanks for all you have done for me in the last few months.
cerkit       you still owe me one.. :)
mogel        eye phear yew!#@
epidemic     glad yer back brah
trip         thanks for helping me clean up my shit.. :)
vitas        one werd, b33r. another, l1z.. :)
psybrrape    one day we'll get together.. when i get some gas. :)
whodini      trank rewls bro
enigmatic    i would never be able to run half the scripts i now run without
             you.. :)
thecomet     one day i'll have a system like yers!
(---- --  --   -- -)
what not:
music support          oasis, moby, nin, sonic youth, jimmy buffett,
                       lords of acid, smashing pumpkins, my elite house
                       music collection.. phear!, dee-lite, weezer
movie support          ferris beuller's day off, the breakfast club, hackers,
                       wargames, lord of illusions<rad!@cheqitout!> logans run
food consumption       coke, cheetohs, soft batch cookies
alcoholic beverages    bacardi, bacardi citrus, red dog, southern comfort
                       cuervo, bud, small number of fuzzy naval wine coolers.
other illegals         you don't wanna know

                           "between the light of truth and the darkness of
                            evil lies the future of terror" -clive barker in
                            "lord of illusions"



[-----------------------------------------------------------------------------]


            _____        _____   ____                   _____
     ,P""""`     `$P"""""     `$'    $kal!tk ___ $P""""`     `$"""""$
     $     °      $     $b           $$$$$$$'   `$     `"""""Y$     `"""""Y,
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     $     $ggggg$$     $      $     "      $          $      l     $      $
     P_____$$$$$$$$$ggggp_____,$$$$$$$yyyyy$$bgggb,____,ggggg$$ggggg$      $
       <put some cool stuff in here, like a tagline or something>   "*nnnn$P




                "thats it, its over. go home" - ferris beuller
