                          + evolution +
                         + issue  four +
                        December 16, 1996

                      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    Thanks to:

    subfarm, for hosting the evo web site
        (located at http://outside.wserv.com/toast/evolution/).
    Bryan and Aidan, for keeping me sane.
    Patrick, for writing such beautiful music.
    Anne, for giving me a hug when I needed it.
    Colette, for continued zine inspiration.

    Apologies to:

    everyone (and a certain someone if she read it) for issue #3.

                      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    [ToC]

    + reader comments
    + excerpt from Looks Yellow, Tastes Red
    + my new microphone
    + end-of-semester sko0l update

                      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    + Reader Comments +        

    I've decided to start including some comments I've received
about +evolution+ over the past few days.  No real reason for this,
maybe it's to boost my deflated ego a bit, maybe it's just to make
this look bigger.  For whatever resaon, here's a sample:

    dt, got ish 3, sorry to hear your story.  you're too much of a
    good kid.  - Tim, Hasbrouck Heights, NJ

    cold rain falls on my face
    i don't stop complaining
    about the rain, the rain
    and the way my toes are
    freezing up inside my boots
    suddenly seeming thin boots
    you soak up the whines
    like i soak up the rain
    into my hair and my scarf
    but i feel like it's into
    my absolute middle inside
    i see the pain on your face
    in your tired voice
    like i feel it in my knees
    my fingers and elbows
    and i know that it's harder
    to be angry at you
    than it is to be happy
    more work, like laundering
    rained on stuffffffffff
    ....or something like that.  my saturday night probably didn't
    suck quite as hard as your friday night.  yea.  goodnight.
            - Sarah, Wellesley, MA

    Notice: these have been reprinted without permission.  I'll
probably be inclined to do the same in future issues if you send me
mail or talk to me, so be warned. =)

                      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    I'm sitting in my dorm, listening to "Pedestal" by The Fleece. 
It's a really beautiful song.  Aidan and I played it at Meghan's
house for her birthday party, him singing and playing guitar,
myself on the drums.

    I have the amazing urge to write this zine, but I don't feel 
like I have anything to write about.  My mind is really just sort 
of empty right now.  The rest of me feels pretty empty too...

                      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    [excerpt from Look Yellow, Tastes Red #9 - this pretty much 
    sums up exactly what I've been going through lately.]

    I got scared of falling in love because I have been alone for
so long, so fearful of letting myself be consumed by another person
just to escape myself, so fearful of letting another person close
enough to me to see my worst parts.  I tried to tell myself that of
course there was some virtually painless way to orchestrate a
relationship, some way to completely guard against losing yourself. 
I hardly got past trying.  But maybe it's better to let the pain of
trying to relinquish yourself take its course -- then you _know_
you have lived through it and you can try your best to become what
you are again.

    Then there's the fear that's all about realizing that someone
close to you has thoughts about you and every single one is
positive.  I get the sensation that I am leaning out of myself,
fearful, focused so intently on this other person.  It's like this
with my mother and with Patrick and sometimes other people.  I feel
that every nerve in my body is tuned to their slightest reaction,
thought, feeling, I can feel the slightest disturbance in mood
filter through the air and sometimes there is so much fear in me,
fear for me and for them and for all that goes on between us.

    Now the winter is over and the realization of all that I;ve
done remains.  I don;t know where I got the strength to keep a love
or a person or even just a friendship over that time... other
winters have left me all alone and resentful of everyone who
wasn't, other winters have forced me to destroy the bonds between
other people and me, at any cost.  I have pursued people too
desperately out of fear, or driven them far away with my moods.  I
am so sick of being this way, of being lonely and resentful,
jealous.  Feeling that the whole world is mocking me but there is
nothing I can do or say to make one person look at me with
understanding.

                      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    don't want to hurt you
    act so sure
    but it's not me
    it's just a blur.
            - The Fleece, "Blur"

                      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    I bought a microphone the other day, a Shure SM-57.  I needed
one badly, because my four-track was just sitting around, useless,
collecting dust sitting on my stereo speaker.  So, the day after
buying it, I recorded a song.  It's one I've been working on,
refining, fine tuning since late August, just before I left for
sko0l.  It was really neat.  I went to the top of the stairwell, on
the 18th floor of my dorm, plugged in the four-track, and sang. 
There was such beautiful reverb in there, and it sounded really
good on tape.  I kind of made me a bit happy, despite being in a
really bad mood. (see the unfortunate evolution #3)

                      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    standing on the shoulders of giants
    leaves me cold.
            - R.E.M., "King of Birds"

    smell you on my hand for days
    I can't wash away the scent.
            - Weezer, "Butterfly"

                      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    Well, it's December 15 as I write this.  Classes are over, and
all I have left of this dismal semester is my Calculus final on
Friday.  I'm hoping I pass.  It would be nice to actually improve
my GPA and get rid of the potential for being put on academic
suspension, which is really not a good thing to be on since it
means I'm not allowed to take classes.  

    I'm changing my major again.  When I first came here last
september, I was a Sound Recording Technology major (actually Music
Performance with a concentration in SRT, to be technical), and then
switched to Computer Suckage, I mean Science, my second semester. 
I noticed a trend.  I took CS classes for two semesters, last
spring and the current semester.  Both semesters, I was depressed
and did extremely poorly academically.  So, I have decided to
change to an English major, possibly with a minor in Music.  I
think a major reason why I have been depressed and not motivated
academically was because music was no longer a distinct part of my
life and education.  For three years at Nauset Regional High Sko0l,
I was in Band and Orchestra.  My senior year, I was also in Jazz
Band and took 4 music classes out of 7 total that year.  I came to
college, took two music classes, along with Pre-Calculus, College
Writing, and a Chemistry course.  Then, I took no music-related
classes at all in the spring.

    I think I've made a wise decision.  I already feel good about
it.  And hopefully I'll actually pull myself out of this hole I've
been digging myself into for the past year or so.

                      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    so bring no guilt with you up above the flatline
    let's just hit the sky, exploding into one
            - Hum, "Suicide Machine"

                      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    [carriage drive, 27]

    my puppy dog eyes
    slowly scanning
    yr eyes, nose
    yr soft cheeks
    the sweet fruit of yr hair tickles my virgin nose
    i'm in heaven
    i've got you in my arms
    never want to let go
    never let go
    never
    i want to hold you - just like this
    feel you, a warm body
    in this cold existance
    the first with whom
    i have shared my self
    my hands, my arms, my soul
    yr love fused with mine
    in holy union
    this holy, embryonic embrace
    forever
    my fears die
    my thoughts subside
    and all that remains
    is you.

            [12.5.96]

                      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    Oh well, another issue goes by.  35 subscribers.  Yay me.

    Anyway, on the +evolution+ news front, the semester is nearing
a close, which means I'll be heading home for a month.  Due to only
having one phone line at my house (a problem I need to remedy), 
I'll have decreased net access, and therefore, evo will not be as 
frequent.  I still plan on releasing some issues when I can, but 
probably not on the frantic pace I've been keeping up so far.

    Again, apologies due for the release of evo #3.  I shouldn't
have.  General apologies to everyone, and a specific one to those 
directly affected by it.

    Catch you later...

                      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    + evolution +

zaphod@sidehack.gweep.net

P.O. Box 1631
Orleans, MA 02653

(c) 1996 60Hz Productions, a division of Angst Communications.
Angst Communications is a registered trademark, used under license
from Mono Boy Records.