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(   ____  ____  ____                                                        )
 ) |    ||    |\    \    WHICH I THEN DO NOT FEEL IN                       (
(  |    ||    |/____/    SUCH A WAY AM ANY MORE NORMAL                      )
 ) |    ||    |\    \    ir file number 023                                (
(  |____||____| |____|   released 08.15.00                                  )
 ) |    ||    |\|    |   by Phairgirl                                      (
(  |____||____| |____|   we're just fucking with your mind.                 )
 )  _impulse_reality_                                                      (
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        Seven years.  That's not much compared to some people, but far longer
 than many.  Seven long, deluded, twisted years.  That's how long ago I first
 dialed a modem and started talking to people.  That was the first moment I
 turned into a frenetic, retarded melty creature.

        During a particular two-year period, I had at least five CYBER
 BOYFRIENDS: you know the kind I mean, where you come into a silly chat room
 together and be all lovey dovey and make everyone wretch (including
 yourself).  It's utterly silly.  I was young and desperate and I was
 tracking down boys three and four years younger than me for SERIOUS INTERNET
 DATING EXPERIENCES that, in a couple of cases, ended up in WILD WEEKENDS OF
 SEX.

        I don't mean to glorify this.

        I had CYBERSEX, I wrote PORN, I was a super CYBERWHORE.  It was fun
 at the time I think.  I got caught up in a lot of craziness including being
 visited by some guy from New York City who fucked me over and driving
 halfway across the country to Utah with some guy from chat in New Jersey to
 go meet a brother and sister that we wanted to fuck until they split in
 half.  And as much fun as that week was, it didn't prevent the aftermath
 from getting really ugly.

        However, whenever I've met people for the explicit purpose of NOT
 having sex with them, it's been just fine.  You don't get frantic phone
 calls from people's RL girlfriends when you haven't been fucking their
 brains out, and you don't feel like a tawdry whore when you know you're
 going back home and you'll never see that person again.  There's something
 to be said for celibacy, I suppose.

        Oh, that's not to say I haven't TOTALLY WANTED TO JUMP on some of the
 people I've met.  Gods no.  I can think of two guys in particular (if not
 three, four, or more) who, in the right situation in the right lifetime, I
 would knock down and fuck like a wild rabbit.  I mean, we all have URGES,
 acting on them is something completely different.  And what the world really
 doesn't need is another stupid cybercouple.

        But all of this aside, the only reason I've even started pondering
 all of this again is because I was recently informed of some TOP SECRET
 INFORMATION regarding myself and others with dumb crushes.  Part of it was
 easy to handle; one of my female friends wants to jam her tongue down my
 throat.  No biggie, I mean, that won't lead to marriage or anything.  The
 other is a little more complicated, as it seems one of my close male friends
 has suddenly decided somehow that he likes me, and I don't mean in an "I
 like apples" kind of way.

        Now, given that I preface just about every internet conversation with
 a male with "I don't do cybersex and I don't date people online," you would
 think that this sort of thing wouldn't happen.  And coupled with the fact
 that this particular person ALSO prefaced his first conversation with me
 with the same disclaimer (and even went so far as to tell his mom that I had
 a boyfriend when he stopped by for a visit so he wouldn't get his mom's
 hopes up), then you would REALLY think that this sort of thing wouldn't
 happen.

        Fucking hormones.  Fucking testosterone and fucking estrogen, fucking
 pheromones and fucking horniness.

        This situation really isn't worth pondering.  I don't live anywhere
 near this guy.  My mind refuses to think of him as anything more than a
 friend.  No sparks.  No bells and whistles.  But I still am really happy
 with him as a friend of mine.  After all, how many guys will sit up until
 four AM with a girl online talking about DOUCHE and DOUCHE-RELATED PRODUCTS?
 Not many.

        But then again, there's that click in the back of my mind about how
 I'm 23 and haven't dated anyone in QUITE A WHILE, haven't gotten laid in
 QUITE A WHILE, and haven't really cared in QUITE A WHILE.  Not that this
 would get me laid, as there are approximately eight kizillion miles between
 me and this person whom I have no desire to have sex with.  But still, the
 mind wanders at this point.

        In fact, I've tried forcing my mind to think of him in a sexual way.
 And let me tell ya, it hasn't been easy.  My brain just ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT
 COMPUTE physical contact with friends of mine.  It's short-circuiting over
 this.  And, as incredible as this would be for anyone in RL to believe, I
 haven't been actively online for the past five days as I think about all of
 this.  That's right, NO IRC, NO INSTANT MESSAGER, NO ICQ, MY GOD I'M DEAD TO
 THE WORLD.  I can't remember the last time I went without contact online for
 five days in a row.  Granted, I'm cheating, I still read my e-mail and reply
 when necessary, but I have a 'zine to run, and god forbid I should miss new
 posts on my favorite websites.  Poo on me.

        Not only is all of this taking a toll on my CYBER LIFE, but also my
 SOCIAL LIFE AT HOME.  Why, I've been thinking about it so hard that my car
 started smoking yesterday.  Okay, so maybe the two aren't connected, but
 WHAT IF THEY ARE?  I couldn't even concentrate on watching the Pokémon
 movie.  That, my friends, is the biggest tragedy of all.

        I was debating quoting something famous and/or infamous here, just to
 give it that feel of symbiosis, however the only thing that's stuck in my
 head right now is german house music, and that's just not gonna cut it.  Or
 maybe my brain is onto something... yeah... that's right... german house
 music...

        DEINE BLAUEN AUGEN MACHEN MICH SO SENTIMENTAL
        SO BLAUE AUGEN
        WENN DU MICH SO ANSCHAUST WIRD MIR ALLES AND'RE EGAL
        TOTAL EGAL
        DEINE BLAUEN AUGEN SIND PHÄNOMENAL
        KAUM ZU GLAUBEN
        WAS ICH DANN SO FÜHLE IST NICH' MEHR NORMAL
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