{begin}

INTEGRAL.FUNCTIONS.005
dd/mm/yy = 15/03/96
file_siz = 026k
{=========================================================================}

{get FILE_ID.DIZ}

Integral Functions is a bi-weekly electronic 'zine that encourages both
stylistic and topical experimentation in all possible forms of literary
self-expression.

{get NET_SITE.NFO}

Issues will be available on the FTP site approximately one month after
their release.  Please read the instructions on the site to be sure that
you download and uncompress the files correctly.

FTP: ftp.etext.org   /pub/Zines/IntegralFunctions

Gopher: gopher.etext.org   Zines/IntegralFunctions

If you are having trouble connecting, this site also has two alternate
addresses: etext.archive.umich.edu OR locust.cic.net

{=========================================================================}

{get CONTENTS.LST}


00000001  Message #714, Yasuaki Kudo

00000010  SIGNIFICANT DIGITS
          
00000011  HATE LIST NUMBER ONE

00000100  Poems: March 07, 1996

00000101  procedure interface_7_human_conversation;

00000110  attempt frenchaise

00000111  Journal Excerpts 1996 - David Wilkins

00001000  FORest x0000'1b

00001001  PENIS
          
00001010  VIDEO MADNESSS blowout

00001011  oh sweet butter

00001100  Copyright & Submission Information

{=========================================================================}

 Msg#: 714
 From: MEH68277@?????.??.jp
   To: All                 
 Subj: THE SHIT LIFE
 Date: 08 Aug 95  22:33
 ------------------------------
 
 Jesus I really want to puke.  My father just came into my room.  Began 
 his monthly routine "What university are you going to enter?" I knew that
 I couldn't talk with this guy seriously anymore.
 
 It was probably 3 month ago.  He began throw things away to me. It 
 hurt. I remember I was telling stop doing  irrational.  As myself
 defense, finally I punched his...We have been to this over and over and
 have changed nothing.  
 
 If you're still reading my bad English text, I thank you, and if you're
 such a patient reader, let me tell you a little about my life so far.
 
 People keep saying me that I'm a unique person.  I haven't seen any of 
 my friends (or  *are* they my friends?) for 4 months though.  I've had 
 hated schools sometimes.  It wasn't *sometimes*  last year, and it was 
 shit. A sea of shit. I'm sorry about telling stories very randomly. It is 
 complicated so much that even I  can't explain it well to my self.  What 
 do you think of studying?   Math,  Physics,  things like that.  Have you 
 ever had any feeling "How do you know this is true?"  
 
 God,  if  you are still reading my article; you can make a good psycho-
 analyst.  You're so patient.  For the past 3 years, the question "How do
 you know?" was my life.  The main problem was in mathematics field.  
 I've been through a lot of  mathematical proof.  I really thought and 
 thought.  What do you mean proof? "A = B.  B = C if  D is true. since D 
 is true, A=C." stuff like this.  For me, every mathematical proof 
 *seemed* like true, but the bottom line was, I could not believe a single
 word deeply enough.  I was thinking that understanding was universal so 
 if something is true,like a lightning your brain just sticks to that idea.
 With that belief, I kept thinking, hoping it will happen to me which 
 *never* happened.  
 
 Are you still reading? Wow!   It will be so nice if  I had a friend like
 you.  The bad idea was occasionally crossing my mind that I was a real, 
 helpless, low IQ creature. I would tell myself, don't dare to think it
 that way. Those days, and even sometimes like today; the life has been so
 tough.  Yeah, really tough.   If some one compares me with the people 
 who lives in countries like Yugoslavia or Haiti, he might think "what the
 hell do I mean by tough?". I don't know how tough is tough. At least this
 very strange 18-year-old-Japanese  got a little silver hair.  Nobody 
 could answer my question.  Would you mind if  I go back to that math-
 story?  I told my pig-looking so called math teacher How I could not 
 understand math fundamentally and I've been through with it all the time.  
 Do you know what she said? "Are you going to college or not? Don't 
 think about that. Do it in college." that was the only answer I could get,
 but did I believe her?  It was *me* who popped that question to her,  I 
 was compelled to do that having nobody else to ask, but with the 
 knowledge how she taught and treated students, I could not a single word 
 she was saying.  
 
 Any way, I failed to enter the college.  Please notice we're changing the 
 topic.

 I could have entered  a college for 100% if I didn't care what college it
 was. Because I was not so bad in English in high school. Let me talk 
 about it later. I wanted to go to U.S. college 2 years ago so desperately.
 I was so anxious to get out of that fucking country. I thought Japanese 
 education system was nothing but full of shit. I didn't think U.S. colleges
 were perfect, but at least believed it was far better than Japanese ones.  
 What a pity. When I talked about it to my parents they became nuts, and 
 completely rejected and insulted me.  "You are such a foolish kid.  
 Shame on you.  your scores are so bad enough even here in Japan.  Do 
 not dare to think about it!"  I knew how important my grades were to 
 enter a U.S. college, and I could make it better if I could get out of
 that country.  I could have done anything to get out of  that country.
 We had fought it a lot of  times and I finally decide to enter a Japanese
 college first.
 
 I could not study at all. I didn't know why at that time but I finally
 knew what my problem was.  Until I found myself so obsessed with the idea
 that "If  I try, I could *understand*", days of  nightmares lasted. Study
 every day.  Scores don't change a bit. At the time I was finally deciding
 what college examinations I would take(in Japan tests are everything), I
 could only take one. I studied a lot; got plenty of pain; I could not have
 taken any bad-reputation-college.  My parents warned me I might not be 
 able to attend college another year. Well, I could not face the facts. I 
 was insulted enough 2 years ago.  I could not imagine a single image  of  
 my parents saying" Remember we said you were fool." The college I was
 trying to attend was the limit. I could have taken private college exams
 but it was too much. I could not  possibly pay so much money to a
 Japanese college.  
 
 Today we were again over it. The bottom line is; they are the ones who 
 have the money. Only thing I can do is to convince them that I'm on the 
 right track.
 
 The reason I could only study English was because there was no why.  
 To understand English, all it took was to understand what way do people
 say English.
 
 Did you read it?  Perhaps you are just looking at the bottom. Anyway,  
 send me a mail if you have something in common with me so that we can 
 share it.

 Yasuaki Kudo


 Origin: Usenet:??-???, Japan. (?:??/??.?)

{=========================================================================}

"SIGNIFICANT DIGITS"
(Angela Dreamblur)

0432904923 40329 40324 320 41049234321 40921 390821 48235782 348219 32184 402
439012904 92568329 6589234 812847 185 328965 32948 21948 4823 48328 548324236
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96532 59328 4592 369034 7802926892012806218692 693 4686 29 6293 601 0213 6823
215 923 50923 65230 698 347 02396021801 680 43968 20 6810 680436 8340 6824234
5 09250 285032 680238 65012 856032 4603486028502254 3294 3294021 498012 85912
520 34 0145 23059 913285091 0915 80123 8501 25901859812 50821 39054 21048 419
4 19202 401248 0284501 4801 258012 58102 5802135 0 2150 12840 12840 2185 0512
5921 41 850 12835032 1850 821501 850 58320 85018 50821 35082305815 8051 501 5
50 2138328 592 8501 8502 8350 35120851 085 02850286 0285 01 501 58032 8501 14
50932 95032 959 438896823 0959321058904386 021950 324865 0913285 923850 23594
520395 01 923590823 9681290 35812 49312 40921 453286791 235921 4592 86539 553
43290 483210 4 836 012593 058 9138 5092348 569342 50328 59 4839687 321096 326
4 92385 0328 68723 0458213 57329 589213 854912 598327 59832 958 32958 125 832

{=========================================================================}

    HATE LIST NUMBER ONE


    Photocopy machines that use pink paper

     Postcards from strangers

      Dust mites and their shit

       Electrical cords that are all bent out of shape

        Due dates and deadlines

         Dying suburban trees (held up by steel spikes)

          Styrofoam

           The sound of a thousand flushing toilets

            Shampoo that smells pretty

             Women that use way too much hairspray

              Women that use way too much perfume

               Women that use way too much make-up

                The sound of a dustbuster

                 Batteries that aren't rechargable

                  Rechargable batteries that don't last long enough

                 Plastic bags that fall apart at the handles

                Paper with visible chunks of wood in it

               Radio stations that play the same songs every day

              Radio stations that don't play any songs

             Itchy clothing

            Dogs that bark at nothing

           Stepping on a wad of gum

          People that spit constantly

         Tearing band-aids from my arm

        Cold toilet-seats

       Toilets that overflow all the time

      When cigarette smoke soaks into your clothes

     When your stomach growls loudly in class

    Birds that shit too much
     
     Religious fanatics

      Television on Sunday afternoon

       Television on any other afternoon

        People that think making fart noises with armpits is funny

         The smell of raw sewage

          Poems that rhyme

           Telephones and answering machines

            America OnLine

             Using a lot of extension cords

              Stupid billboards

               Tea/Coffee that is too hot to drink

                (...to be continued!)

{=========================================================================}

Gideon Hartwell
Poems: March 07, 1996
---------------------

ONE.

reasons wanted.

ignoring maybe,
thought rude i was.
was i?

should've been
silent and useless,
like the rest.

must not worry
about this thing,
trying no success.

needs time
to cool down,
think,
forget me.

shouldn't have
started all this.
too late.

-----

TWO.

what i really want
to be doing is
sipping coffee,
on public couch,
big band music
floats into ears,
looking at
picture-books.
someone i know
enters.
hello.

-----

THREE.

it was easy but i did
not effort. dreams
distracting on other
side of eyelids. maybe
tomorrow is better.

-----

FOUR.

smallness houses are
close. in window, that
could be someone i know.
that could be someone
i know. seen him around.
forget her name.
seems nice, from what
i've heard. gossip go
away. do they laugh
when sight is not mine?
need big randomness:
comfort in anonymity.

-----

FIVE.

walked through midnight field
with medium flashlights. mistaken
for supernatural. "what are you
boys doing out here at this
time of night?"
us and those police had a
good chuckle. shared coffee
w/doughnuts. must've
thought us crazy, or memory
fishermen.
did they once? when young. oh
memories. like fish they are,
jumping in boat.
careful to be sure, put back
in water before asphyxiation.

-----

SIX.

i've entered this contest that
you've created, decked out in
the most mordant contraptions.

advanced standing: the envelope
please.

-----

SEVEN.

through delicate persuasion you
uncurl your fingers,
allowing me to see what gift
you hesitate to share.

-----

EIGHT.

i sometimes wonder if
change is mistaken for
improvement.

maybe they are the same
thing.

-----

NINE.

cardboard complaints pop up
from the crowd,
rituals of discontent.

they don't realize what they
are doing, with
their wheelbarrows
full of signatures.

how embarassing it must be
for us, as a whole.

i suppose there can be no
such thing as
selective freedom.

what they must think. i am
ashamed for all of us.

-----

TEN.

being with you is like
walking around with only
one shoe on: everything
feels lopsided and
awkward.

i would rather hug my
pillows for comfort, as
i have done in the past.

-----

{=========================================================================}

procedure interface_7_human_conversation;

begin

   if eye_contact = true then
   begin

      if face[x] = 'unhappy' then
      begin
         vocal_p := ('are you ok?','what's wrong?');
         vocalize vocal_p;
         reinitialize eye_contact;
         fixate eye_contact;
         smile := 0;
      end;

      if face[x] = 'apath(y/etic)' then
      begin
         vocal_p := ('hello','how is it going?');
         vocalize vocal_p;
         hands := arms + fidget[y];

         if hands := 0 then
         begin
            randomize;
            actu1 := random(3) + 1;
            if actu1 = 1 then in_pockets;

            if actu1 = 2 then folded_on_chest;

            if actu1 = 3 then play_with_hair;

         end;

      end;

      if face[x] = 'cheerful' then
      begin
         smile := smile + 5;
         vocal_p := ('hi',name_nick,sarcastic_insult);
         vvolume := vvolume + env_factor + 2;
         vocalize vocal_p;
      end;

   else

   begin
      randomize;
      attention1 := random(3) + 1;

      if attention1 = 1 then clear_throat;

      if attention1 = 2 then
      begin
         vocal_p := 'hey you';
         vvolume := vvolume + env_factor;
         vocalize vocal_p;
      end;

      if attention1 = 3 then
      begin
         reinitialize legs;
         distance[a] := distance[a] - 1;
      end;

      check eye_contact;

   end;

   if reaction < 0 then
   begin
      vocal_p := ('do you want me to leave you alone?');
      vvolume := vvolume - 2;
      check face[x]

      if face[x] + tears > 0 then
      begin
         vocal_p := ('it's ok','tell me what's bothering you');
         initialize hug;
      end;

      if face[x] + body_language = 'negative' then
      begin
         reinitialize legs;
         distance[b] := distance[b] + 4;
         vocal_p := null;
         vvolume := 0;
      end;

      vocalize vocal_p;

   else

      repeat
         small_talk + intimacy;
         env_observation;
         check face[x];
      until face[x] <> face[x - 1];

      if face[x] + body_language > 50 then
      begin
         verify body_language;
         doublecheck;
         intimacy := intimacy + 2;
      end;

      if intimacy > 900 then comfort := comfort + 1;

      if comfort + env_factor > 10 then
      begin
         body_language;
         physical;
      end;

end.

{=========================================================================}

"attempt frenchaise"
(by Clotaire)


'oui oui,' he said
j'amais toujour tu est une fils!
elle aime les bicyclettes, mais pas
les autobus.  je
suis un grande mangeur des
vaches!  oui, c'est vrais.
voulez vous une tres beau visage?
moi aussi...oui.
est-ce-que tu pouver tenir mon
main droite.  je taime ca beaucoup.
donne moi une grande baiser! or
something...how do you say,
mange moi? vraimant?!
magnifique! oh, je suis desole!
hey! how do i do those little
accent thingys on the keyboard?
shit. merle! attendez vous, petite
mignon fille.  non..pourquoi pas?
ok, au revoir, you slut.

{=========================================================================}

  --- Journal Excerpts 1996 - David Wilkins ---


  *** February 13, 1996 ***


  Ugh. I feel like shit today.

  I've become addicted to those little instant coffees. My favorite
  flavours are French Vanilla and Swiss Mocha. I think they're fucking
  up my metabolic system or something. I don't know.

  Sometimes, when I'm making a cup of French Vanilla, the powder
  doesn't completely dissolve, and a lump of brownish-yellow powder
  floats to the top. This pisses me off, so I stand there stirring
  the damn thing for 60 seconds or more, until it finally dissolves.

  There's nothing I hate more than taking a slurp of coffee and having
  a lump of undissolved powder float into my mouth.  For some reason
  this only occurs with French Vanilla. I should write to the company
  and get them to fix this. I'll write a note to remind myself.

  I usually have about 4 or 5 cups of this shit every day.

  Anyway..

  Mark called today while I was having a pair of microwaved hot dogs
  and a cup of Swiss Mocha for lunch. He said that if I don't make up
  my mind soon, I can forget about having any sort of relationship
  with him. I told him not to be a prick, and to come to my apartment
  tomorrow night so I can give him my answer.

  I don't intend on being at my apartment tomorrow night when Mark
  gets here. I'll be at the arcade, or the bowling alley, or somewhere
  else, acting like a 16-year old, making an ass of myself, trying to
  recapture my lost youth. Mark will be so pissed off at me. That's the
  plan anyway.


  *** February 14, 1996 ***

  When I got home late last night, there was a message on my machine
  from Mark:

  "Hi. I was at your place. Where are you? Call me."

  He didn't sound pissed off. I wonder what he'll say when I tell him
  I'm not a queer. I should've told him when he first started expressing
  his affection towards me. He probably won't believe me. He'll probably
  say that I'm just making excuses, that I'm afraid of commitment, or
  that I'm denying my sexuality. Shit. What have I gotten myself into?

  Ever since Mark first started coming on to me, I started wondering.
  I wondered what it would be like...being with another man. Not
  seriously or anything. I've never really thought about it before. I'll
  watch television now and force myself to stare at the men, just to
  see if I'll get aroused. I'll imagine myself kissing them, etc., but
  nothing happens. 

  I'm thinking about calling Mark, and continuing to pretend that I'm
  gay. I am curious to see how far I can take this before I panic and
  bail out. This is like a personal science experiment, where I have
  become both the evil scientist and the innocent lab rat.


  *** February 16, 1996 ***

  Mark and I went to the movies last night. He apologized for making me
  feel uncomfortable about our relationship. I accepted his unexpected
  apology, and for the rest of the evening it was as if we were "just
  friends" again.

  We went back to my apartment after the movie and ordered pizza. We
  stayed up into the early hours of the morning, making fun of all the
  infomercials that were on TV.

  At about 4:30 a.m., when we were watching a horrible 1970s action
  movie on TV, I turned to Mark and made direct eye contact. Suddenly
  I was letting him kiss me on the mouth. He had pizza/morning-breath,
  but I guess I did too.

  Nothing else happened. The movie was over half-an-hour later, then
  Mark went home to get ready for work. I went to bed, but didn't sleep
  very well. There were moments when I awoke, laughing and crying at
  the same time.

  I try not to think about the kiss.


  *** February 18, 1996

  I found out that Mark doesn't like those little instant coffees that
  I'm always drinking.

  I guess it wasn't meant to be. I feel unable to draw any permanent
  personal conclusions from this experiment of mine.


  *** End Of File

{=========================================================================}

FORest x0000'1b


He Steps on twigs and sticks and twigs - Around trees he goes (brush
against white skin it does)...Those branches YES YES (indeed).  Scrape
Scrape as his gun drags on the forest floor (organic ORGANIC) - Do these
things hear him?  Yes...YEs they do.  Everyone hears the man as he comes.
They SEE him coming and ignore/andMOCK. Someone said that "The Devil hates
to be mocked"..(memory bad today).  That's what those creatures do to him
mock MOck M0CK they do.  This silly man he does - STOPS (gun against tree)
takes breaths; opens backpack; removes things: a paper, a pencilTHING. He
writes on a paper. He thinks he is IN TUNE with NATURE.....  He thinks he
is part of this system.  He thinks he is an OUTDOORSman.  He thinks he is
beautiful like the creatures, so he writes a poem.  A Bad Poem (that
rhymes).  Do those lyric sound nice?  Someone should write a song with this
lyric.  Yes YEs (indeed). Those white scientists that study animal
behaviour are dumb indeed say the animals to each other ANDthemselves.
dumb dumb they are (indeed).
The man shoots at fuzzy things and misses for a-day-and-a-half but only
kills trees (very good he is at that!).  They agree to themselves.  On a
Sunday Evening the man and his gun return to the city (JEEP to village, bus
to train station, train to city station, city station to subway terminal,
subway terminal to other subway terminal, other subway terminal to home
apartment over a small shop that sells dildos and other such things).
The man and his woodtree/scratches on arms and cheeks go to work on Monday
that day...MONDAY!  Yes YES (indeed).  Coffee slurpers eveyehwere + wall
dividers making tight corners where carpet has hardened gum squished in
really really deep.  Monday! Shit. He doesn't think he belongs with these
ROBOT-people.  He thinks he is in tune with NATURE.  He like being with the
animals and his gun Yes YES (indeed!). He is wrong (indeed) yes Yes YES.
Fuck Fuck FUck FUCk FUCK. (inddeeeeed). Ah.

{=========================================================================}

"PENIS"
(Dick Plexzur)

hey baby. .. . . .
lookin pretty hot in that little dress sugah.. ..
curves and mounds on display real goooood. .. 
come over here.. . .
yeahhh. .. 
wanna squeeze your chubby tits rough with my greasy fingaz sweet thang .. .
maybe pinch and nibble at your nipplez. .. .
suckle me baby. .. .
yeahhh. .. .
grab your ass and pull you up close to me.. . .
so i can stick my fucken dick up way up your warm cunt. . .
yeahhh. . .
impale ya on my pleasure pole baby.. .. 
mmmmm mmmm.. . .
and fuck ya up to your fucken brains. .. .
<animal grunt>
yeahhh. ..
shoot my stuff way up ya. .. .
in ya. ..
oozing out of ya .. .
done with ya.. . 
yeahhh .. .

<walks towards>
'you know.... you have the most beautiful eyes'
<sly smile>

{=========================================================================}

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blue eyes, blond hair, moustache,
considered attractive, 160lb, 7.5"
uncut. I looking to get together with
cross-dressers, transsexuals and
transvestites for good times."

GIVE US A CALL!
For Adventure. For Sex. For Dating. Forever.

{=========================================================================}

oh sweet butter

butter, you melt in the september
sun in much the same way that you
melt in the august sun.  and the
ants love you for it.  they don't
tell you this, but i do, i am a
messenger from the ants.  they tell
me all their secrets.  i know where
they hide the queen.  may i pollinate
you?  of course you can.  it's a
free country, don't you know.

{=========================================================================}

{get COPYRITE.NFO}

Reproduction of this 'zine (in any form) is permitted as long as it is not
sold and the entire text of the issue remains intact.  Material within
this volume is copyright (maybe) by their respective authors.

{get SUBMIT.NFO}

There are no specific guidelines for submitting material to Integral
Functions.  25 - 2500 words is acceptable.  Please specify if you wish
your contribution to be anonymous.

At the current time, Integral Functions does not have a stable e-mail
address where you can send your submissions.  This will probably not change
in the future, as the editor of this 'zine is not interested in finding a
permanant site to work from.  An adequate number of submissions are
received from the local area.  

{=========================================================================}
INTEGRAL.FUNCTIONS.005
dd/mm/yy = 15/03/96
file_siz = 026k

{end}
