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     SWEET FUCKING CHRIST! THE HOODLUMS OF THE IMPULSE BRING UNTO YOU...
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         ____  ____  ____
  _I_R_ |    ||    |\    \       Some Conversation Tips
   M E  |    ||    |/____/       For The Socially Inept
   P A  |    ||    |\    \       ir file number 126
   U L  |____||____| |____|      released 5.4.01
   L I  |    ||    |\|    |      by mogel
   S T  |____||____| |____|      we're just fucking with your mind.
   E Y   even_god_reads_it

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"Some Conversation Tips For The Socially Inept" by Mogel

It's the year 2001 and instead of riding in a god damn flying car, I'm
writing what could very well be my last text file ever, for some dumb
'zine because some dumb guy told me to.  I'll use that astoshingly clever
insult as the device for my transition to the article.  Here goes.

Dumb computer guys sometimes have this problem, see, and it's one we in
the biz like to call "being social".  Oh, right, this is post-'90s and
we're supposed to have entirely elimiated societal stereotypes by now, but
unfortunately it seems there are still plenty of jerks that want to latch
on these lame categories like they were starving men clutching to their
last cookie.

Anyway, the other day some EZINES GUY told me he was terrible at
conversation and so, being the god damn interpersonal relationship God
that I am, decided to give him some advice.

Well, the advice I gave him has nothing to do with how I behave or relate
to others... to explain that in a text file would require far more
patience than even I wield.  So, instead, I've got some tips for beginners
who really suck at this whole "carrying on a conversation with another
human being" thing.  

There's only 3 of them, because I'm lazy and uninspired.  I know that's
not much, but be happy you're reading this and not the first 3 lines of
another obtuse t-file poem.

1) Question Ambiguous Crap

	This is pretty easy and probably the most effective tool for a
	beginner to carry on a conversation.  There are times where this
	becomes very robotic--this is when you should stop using it.  
	Everyone gets bored when shit is repetitive, right?  Okay, using
	my text file writing history, one could make a case against
	that(!), I'm sure, but generally you want to avoid being Obvious
	and Generic.
	
	Oh yeah, I should explain what the hell I'm talking about.  
	Basically, whenever someone ends a sentence and it seems like
	they're finished talking, you have to use your limited brain
	capacity to think of a question to ask them based on the last
	sentence they've said.  This technique is especially cool because
	you don't even have to be completely listening to the other
	person.

	EXAMPLES:

	"My mom loaned me the car." -> "Gonna go anywhere COOL?"
	"I hate going to the beach." -> "How come?"
	
	Actually, "how come?", and "why?" are excellent questions to
	alternate between.  People who love to talk never even notice.

2) Summarize Stuff

	In addition to being very easy to pull off, this will effectively
	let the person know that you're actually listening to them AND
	does not require that you make the effort of introducing even a
	single shread of new information to the conversation.
	
	All you need to do is take the information, implied intent, or the
	overall point of what someone's saying and summarize it.

3) Free Associate Like A God Damn Lunatic

	While a challenging and vague device at first, when mastered this
	technique will get you through virtually and converstion situation
	imaginable.  More or less, we're simply talking about free
	associating.  Yeah, that's like the stupid psychology game where
	your therapist says "BLUE" and you respond with the first idea
	that pops in your head ("SKY" or "BERRIES" or "RHYTHM AND" or
	"SAD" or "MY PANTS").  Same deal here, 'cept the SKY is the limit,
	see.  Based on what someone says, you can associate a personal
	story that you remember.. or make a stupid joke... or anything.  
	Free association is easy.  Watch this.

	Brick -> House -> Haunted -> Casper -> Saturday Morning -> 
	Alarm Clocks -> Rooster -> Turkey -> Christmas -> Capitalism ->
	Karl Marx -> Carl Sagan -> Sega Dreamcast -> Dream boat -> 
	Love Boat -> Poop

	You get the idea, I bet!

	For those of you with short attention spans and the ability to
	tangent off on conversation and switch topics like mad, this would
	be ridiculous fun, right?
	
	Well, uh, at least it will be slightly less boring than sitting in
	silence or defaulting to the usual Tech.Geek chatter.  Please talk
	about poop and not slashdot.  Thank you.

   mogel@hoe.nu


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          OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD! IT WAS ANOTHER FUCKING IR FILE MAN!
    Copyright (c) 2001 IMPULSE REALITTY PRESS - http://ir.phonelosers.net
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