
 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
                            Real DOS User's Guide
                                  ver. 1.01

                         by Burnin' of UNKNOWN Prez
                               April 3rd, 2001
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 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
  Introduction
 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 DOS - old, primitive, basically forgotten. People are using powerful
 multitasking operating systems like WindBlows (yeah, right) and Linux,
 some younger computer fans don't even know what DOS is. But that doesn't
 mean a thing, at least until there still exist some REAL DOS USERS.


 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
  Real DOS users
 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 - IRL -

 Real DOS users are older than 15 years

 Real DOS users are plain looking
 Corollary: if they wouldn't look plain then they would be in something
   ultra-radical like neon-green or naked

 Real DOS users can speak in at least 2 different languages

 Real DOS users like T-Shirts
 Corollary: they don't have many

 Real DOS users like coats
 Corollary: if they had the cuts they'd look like Nicholas Cage as Castor Troy
   when he and his brother entered the plane in the beginning of "Face/Off"
 Corollary to the above: a real DOS user has seen "Face/Off"

 Real DOS users usually get hungry at that time when other people go to sleep
 Corollary: by the time real DOS users get sleepy common people are getting up

 Real DOS users, if let, sleep at least 11 hours

 Real DOS users, if let, don't get up before 12 o'clock

 Real DOS users can eat A LOT, but they can also live at least 3 days without
   any food without a problem

 Real DOS users drink at least 2,3 liters of liquid every day

 Real DOS users drink Coca Cola
 Corollary: they notice the different taste of Pepsi
 Corollary 2: The Coca Cola Company is the only corporation that a real DOS
   user supports

 Real DOS users know that coffeen+sugar is the basis of true human life

 Real DOS users don't watch sports
 Corollary: they know that sports is for making and not watching

 Real DOS users are amazingly healthy when considered that they try to keep
   the amount of physical movements minimal

 Real DOS users realize that capitalism is evil
 Corollary: they also realize that the so called democracy which governments
   say they follow is a mask to hide capitalism
 Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows that the cyber-age has come and
   so considers himself to be a basic cyberpunk
 Corollary to the above: he knows enough about cyberpunk to realize that the
   above lines aren't out of context

 Real DOS users are cypherpunks
 Corollary: they have the latest version of PGPi for DOS
 Corollary to the above: they know where to get it
 Corollary 2: if real DOS users wouldn't be so lazy they would re-build their
   place like Mel Gibson had it in "Conspiracy Theory"
 Corollary to the above: they have seen that movie
 Corollary 3: the handwriting of a real DOS user is hashed and then scrambled
 Corollary to the above: he knows what hashing means
 Corollary to corollary 3: he has enough brains to encrypt the text
   on-the-fly in his head
 Corollary to the above: his brain has also built-in wipe-after-successful-
   encryption function
 Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows also what wiping is
 Corollary 2 to the text 3 lines above: that also explains why people sometimes
   wonder "what the hell did this guy do in school"


 - OS -

 Real DOS users' computer boots to DOS by default (in case he has other OS' on
   the HD)
 Corollary: no matter if there's some other OS on the harddrive or not, the
   computer of a real DOS user is equipped with a boot manager
 Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows what a boot manager is

 Real DOS users know that the grooviest DOS ever is PhysTechSoft's PTS-DOS 2000
 Corollary: they spent the 5 minutes to find the byte which to patch to get
   rid of the 1 minute delay by booting

 Real DOS users consider only Linux without X-Windows as a possible
   alternative to DOS

 Real DOS users aren't RealDOS users

 Real DOS users have thought about writing their own version of DOS


 - HARDWARE -

 Real DOS users have at least three computers
 Corollary: at least two of them are turned in all the time
 Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows how to make the electricity
   counter of their apartment stop

 Real DOS users have at least a 286
 Corollary: a real DOS user would never, ever, use a machine which has a 68xxx
   processor

 Real DOS users have a modem of at least 2400bps
 Corollary: they wish they'd have a better modem

 Real DOS users have a slow CD-ROM
 Corollary: it's some exotic drive which doesn't work with universal drivers
 Corollary 2: real DOS users have most of their stuff on CDs
 Corollary 3: they use a CD cache
 Corollary to the above: they have enough upper memory to stuff another cache
   into it

 Real DOS users have a mouse but only because some weak programs need it
 Corollary: real DOS users use jTSR so they can hide the annoying mouse
   cursor when it's not currently needed
 Corollary to the above: a real DOS user is too lazy to load and unload the
   mouse driver just because of one or two programs

 Real DOS users have seen a 8" floppy

 Real DOS users have at least one 5,25" disk drive and seven 5,25" floppies

 Real DOS users have at least 10 CDs
 Corollary: a real DOS user has written at least half of his CDs himself

 Real DOS users can quite well live with a HD of 40MB
 Corollary: they have at least 50 diskettes

 Real DOS users have a COVOX
 Corollary: they didn't build it themselves

 Real DOS users have set the booting sequence to C: A:
 Corollary: a real DOS user is aware of bootsector viruses
 Corollary 2: a real DOS user would never, ever, use a BIOS where you can't
   set the booting sequence

 Real DOS users messed a whole day with BIOS setting to get a higher index
   from AT Performance
 Corollary: a real DOS user is a maximalist

 Real DOS users don't think that it's impossible to work with a 286/10MHz with
   1MB memory and MDA monitor
 Corollary: they used one themselves and still have it
 Corollary of the above: the eyes of a real DOS user ain't the best anymore


 - SOFTWARE -

 Real DOS users know that the best user interface is the 'commander' which
   was started by Norton Commander
 Corollary: real DOS users know that although NC 1.0 was a ground breaking
   program it's a real disappointment
 Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows where to get NC 1.0

 Real DOS users tend to use NCEdit for all kind of editing

 Real DOS users who have a decent machine use ACE for archiving

 Real DOS users who don't have a decent machine use RAR for archiving
 Corollary: if someone uses ZIP or ARJ for regular archiving then he
   definitely ain't a real DOS user

 Real DOS users know that the only REAL expanded memory manager out there is
   QEMM

 Real DOS users know that Norton Cache is the best disk cache there is

 Real DOS users find COMBI-Disk pretty interesting but don't use it

 Real DOS users know that Norton Speed Disk is the best disk defragmenter there
   is
 Corollary: they have the whole Norton Utils for DOS, 7.0 or above or at least
   know where to get it

 Real DOS users have some fast boot program loaded
 Corollary: real DOS users aren't happy when the boot takes 30 seconds
 Corollary to the above: they jump from joy if it takes only 26 seconds
 Corollary to the above: it would take 20 seconds but soon after a real DOS
   user installs that fast booter he finds a couple new programs which simply
   have to be include in his AUTOEXEC.BAT

 Real DOS users use TurboCopy

 Real DOS users know that SHSUCDX is the best CDX program there is
 Corollary: they noticed the lacks of CD-Link and MSCDEX
 Corollary to the above: if a real DOS user would use CLOAKING he perhaps would
   even use the modified version of MSCDEX
 Corollary to the above: real DOS users know which program provides CLOAKING

 Real DOS users have at least 15 TSRs loaded
 Corollary: they'd load more if they'd have more UMBs


 - WIN -

 Real DOS users think that Wincloset and Mac users are wimps

 Real DOS users know that almost anything that can be done under WinS*** can
   be done under DOS

 Real DOS users don't have Win on their HD, only the installation package on
   some CD

 Real DOS users own Winblows only because Soft-ICE, TR2000 and EDump II run
   under it
 Corollary: a real DOS user is advanced enough to use those programs

 Real DOS users know that the only good thing about WinToad is the start up
   screen
 Corollary: they use Blackout package to get the same effect

 Real DOS users find that long file names are only useful for MP3 naming
 Corollary: if a real DOS user is forced to use Wishhh95+ then he saves all
   the files under names with at least 81 characters
 Corollary to the corollary: he likes to annoy people


- PLAYING -

 Real DOS users play strategy games like WarCraft ][

 Real DOS users have an off-line version of MUD

 Real DOS users occasionally, for example in a situation of absolute boredom,
   play fighting games like Street Fighter or Mortal Combat

 Real DOS users think that first-person-shoot-games like Wolfenstein 3D and
   it's followers (DOOM, Quake, Half-Life and others) are only good for
   filling the HD space

 Real DOS users aren't players, they play only once in a while
 Corollary: real DOS users think that people who do nothing but playing should
   be shot


 - PROGRAMMING -

 Real DOS users can program

 Real DOS users know assembly

 Real DOS users who programme in Borland/Turbo Pascal use version 3 or lower of
   the compiler because it supports COM format

 Real DOS users use DG and TR for debugging
 Corollary: they think that Turbo Debugger is for wussies
 Corollary 2: a real DOS user debugs code which crashes TD
 Corollary 3: he knows that those two debuggers complement each other
 Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows which line in the CONFIG.SYS of
   most ORDINARY PC lUSERS prevents DG from loading

 Real DOS users know that the best hex editor is HIEW
 Corollary: real DOS users also know that all good hex editors are called *IEW
 Corollary to the above: they can name at least 2 programs which are named *IEW
   which means they know what the '*' stands for
 Corollary 2 to the corollary: they would never hack with something called
   HEXED or ZAP

 Real DOS users always have some project going
 Corollary: they don't get enough sleep
 Corollary to the above: if they do get enough sleep they never get anything
   done


 - VOLKOV COMMANDER -

 Real DOS users know that Volkov Commander is the coolest commander ever
 Corollary: they find DOS Navigator over-bloated

 Real DOS users use the 'quick execute commands' option of VC

 Real DOS users have a problem with the 511 bytes size limit of VC 4.x's .EXT
   files

 Real DOS users actually use the user menu of VC

 Real DOS users have mailed comments about VC to V. V. Volkov
 Corollary: they know his email-address

 Real DOS users have included most of their programs in the user menu
 Corollary: they still execute the program by typing it's name in the
   commandline


 - TV & CINEMA -

 Real DOS users take movie characters for role model

 Real DOS users have seen everything that's worth seeing

 Real DOS users watch shows like Simpsons, Beavis & Butt-head, South Park
   Futurama and Daria
 Corollary: as one can guess a real DOS user pukes on crap like Teletubbies

 Real DOS users like the sick humor of Beavis & Butt-head and Monty Python

 Real DOS users like comedies

 Real DOS users like horror and science fiction movies

 Real DOS users know who are the 3 great new age monsters of cinema
 Corollary: because of respect would a real DOS user never use the names Jason,
   Michael or Freddy as his alias, even if his real name is/resembles to one
   of them

 Real DOS users know that Neve Campbell is the coolest scream queen ever
 Corollary: they also know that Neve is the best female actor in this galaxy

 Real DOS users comments to others before most movies: "I've seen this one"
 Corollary: a real DOS user is considered by the surrounding people to be an
   expert in the subject of television/movies

 Real DOS users like to go to the cinema
 Corollary: they live near one
 Corollary to the above: they've subscribed to the mailing list of that cinema

 Real DOS users' TV is turned on most of the time
 Corollary: the TV of a real DOS user is plugged together with the computers
   so they all turn on together


 - MISC -

 Real DOS users love COM format

 Real DOS users like the real mode
 Corollary: a real DOS user most likely uses HiRAM, Last Byte MM or something
   similar instead of QEMM
 Corollary to the corollary: his PC doesn't have enough gadgets to run UMBPCI

 Real DOS users like to listen to MODs
 Corollary: real DOS users know what MODs are

 Real DOS users like to listen to MP3s
 Corollary: if a real DOS user owns a sound card then he uses DOSAMP
 Corollary to the above: if he doesn't have a sound card then he uses DSS
 Corollary to the above: a real DOS user can use every piece of software there
   is no matter what language it's in
 Corollary 2 to the text 3 lines above: a real DOS user can do practically
   everything he wants with the hardware he's using at that moment

 Real DOS users don't understand why someone produces an EXE if it's under 65kB

 Real DOS users have at least 15 different bootdisquettes
 Corollary: at least 12 of them are stored as disk-images on some unknown CD

 Real DOS users don't understand why some programs need EMS when there's XMS

 Real DOS users find sickening that almost every program nowadays uses a DOS
   extender

 Real DOS user have multiple configurations in their CONFIG.SYS

 Real DOS users' AUTOEXEC.BAT is at least 1,5kB

 Real DOS users don't like warez but use them because they don't have any money
 Corollary: real DOS users like GPL
 Corollary to the above: they rather not distribute their programs under it

 Real DOS users have setup their systems so that it has more passwords than
   some governmental security system

 Real DOS users have no problem filling 3 CDs only with DOS software

 Real DOS users have the source of MS-DOS 6.20

 Real DOS users don't use backup programs
 Corollary: they like to live dangerously
 Corollary 2: they've had at least two HD crashes

 Real DOS users like textfiles
 Corollary: they think that the inventor of PDF is a nut case

 Real DOS users have read the whole Jargon File 4
 Corollary: a real DOS user knows what the Jargon File is
 Corollary to the above: he would have used the opportunity to print the thing
   out on a laser-printer at his work if he'd just remember to do that
 Corollary to the above: real DOS users are almost lost if they don't make
   notes

 Real DOS users have at least 3 different versions of "The Anarchists Handbook"
 Corollary: they have also the version which some lunatic translated into their
   native language

 Real DOS users love ASCII art

 Real DOS users constantly monitor the 'Interesting DOS Programs', 'Freeware
   DOS Programs' and FreeDOS sites

 Real DOS users know that Bill Gates is the Anti-Christ
 Corollary: they'd rather use some other DOS than MS-DOS
 Corollary to the corollary: they still use MS-DOS because UMMs won't work
   with others

 Real DOS users aren't afraid of the DOS commandline

 Real DOS users know that computers are not meant for drawing, painting,
   picture editing or any other kind of messing with graphics

 Real DOS users know that the smallest program which won't hang has the size of
   1 byte

 Real DOS users know about most of their 3000+ files what those are exactly
   good for

 Real DOS users have at least 600kB free conventional memory after loading
   everything

 Real DOS users appreciate programmers who write TSRs which occupy less than
   3kB memory

 Real DOS users think that the 'loadhigh' command is the coolest thing since
   DOS 3.0

 Real DOS users know that DOS will never die

 Real DOS users resemble in many aspects to J. Random Hacker
 Corollary: they know who that is


 -=-=-=-=-=-=-
  Conclusion
 -=-=-=-=-=-=-

 Real DOS users are nothing more than dedicated fans. And they're quite OK.
 At least until you don't say something like: "DOS is dead" or "Windows is the
 best OS there is"

